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withoutyouimsaskia · 1 year

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Remember Me, Special Dreams

Part X.

GIF: Originally posted by @sic-vita

Summary: Self-insert. You're having trouble with recurring night terrors and Morpheus pays you a visit. (Title from the lyrics of Placebo’s Special Needs)

Warnings: language, angst, mentions of night terrors.

Word Count: 1.4k

A/N: Good evening wonderful peeps. Hope you've had a good week. It's just been announced that Tom Sturridge and Mason Alexander Park are going to be at London MCM Comic Con next weekend and the thought of it is too much for me to handle. I think I might be having a day in London... 😉 Anyway, please enjoy this next one. All my love, Saskia xx

Sandman Masterlist

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The instant that yours and Morpheus' lips touch, you feel him tense. There’s an acute intake of breath. Then he is a statue. Carved from ice.

You consider pulling back but then the ice begins to melt.

He’s kissing you back.

Only very slightly yet it’s all the encouragement you need to keep going.

His lips are just as perfect to kiss as they are to look at.

Soft. And combined with his smooth skin, it is like being caressed by silk.

Within seconds, you are lost in him.

The reaction your body gives is unlike anything you have ever experienced before from a first kiss, or any other kiss for that matter. You are completely overtaken by the oxytocin binding to your neuroreceptors, and there's an additional layer of bliss to cushion your aching heart. It laps over you like a wave soaking the sand at high tide.

An otherworldly sensation.

You presume it is because he is that entirely. Not of your world.

The thought is sobering. He’s a powerful, ageless, visually stunning being. And you’re a human.

A human going through a crisis.

You know full well that trying to solve it through intimacy is wrong, regardless of the physical attraction and the burgeoning connection you feel with him on an emotional level.

You pull away.

Out of his personal space and further still. You withdraw into yourself.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

Morpheus speaks your name in a whisper.

It takes a great amount of force for you to feel able to look at him.

His eyes are gleaming with tears. He looks so vulnerable.

Vulnerability caused by your actions.

Shame floods through you.

What must you think of me? You question inside your head.

He had been dutifully trying to help you, attempted to bring you comfort, shared what it meant to be the guardian of dreams and apologised for upsetting you, and the only thing you could think to do in that moment was to take advantage of his kindness by kissing him.

You feel despicable.

You're pushing your hands shakily over your scalp.

He says your name again. There’s real confusion on his face.

"Please can we forget that happened? I've literally just told you about my break up and kissing you, well, it’s a classic rebound reaction. I should know better.”

"Rebounding is a concept created by humans to bring shame to those who have the fortitude to act on their desires."

His words, though they sound seductively logical, do not sway your resolve.

“That may be true, but it was still massively impulsive of me.”

You watch as his walls go back up, cleaning his face of all feeling and freezing his eyes to a dark, frosty blue.

"Then I will do as you ask and ignore its occurrence."

You exhale with relief.

"I appreciate that."

Morpheus changes the subject so quickly, not even allowing for a second of unease.

"We should return to the library."

"Okay."

You shift into a better position to be able to stand but then he is in front of you and extending a long-fingered hand for you to take.

You hesitate.

"Please, Y/N."

You slip your hand into his grasp.

The skin on skin contact creates a buzzing sensation in the back of your head. Your body was going to take some convincing to detach.

You think back to his choice of adjective.

Desire.

That was what had happened. A heady moment of desire. One that you had enjoyed, yes, but nothing that could be pursued.

He helps you up gracefully.

"Thank you."

He simply nods and begins to walk back the way you had both originally come.

You fall into step beside him.

You occupy your thoughts by looking at every detail of the dense, green forest.

The textures of the tree bark, the colours of the leaves, the smell of the air.

It’s easier to distract yourself when you get closer to the palace. In your upset, you had completely missed the details of the gorgeous structure before. The pale stone and gleaming copper of the domes and towers. Statues dotted in amongst the architecture. A dragon and a Pegasus that move with their own autonomy greet you at the entrance doors.

It is fantastical.

Once inside, you re-trace the steps you had taken so hurriedly not an hour ago. Through the corridors with their abundance of arches and pillars and swathes of red carpets trimmed with gold.

Once back in the library, Lucienne greets you with a glowing smile.

You all sit down around the table.

Morpheus nods for Lucienne to present their findings.

“We have found the moment when your night terrors started. You were thirteen years old and you had a hallucination about a spider.”

You nod, remembering that well. You had been so convinced that it was dangling above your face that you had hit out at it with all of your limbs in turn.

“The exact same night, there was a small disturbance recorded here.”

Lucienne takes off her glasses.

“Every parasomnia episode that you have had from that moment on has coincided with some unexplained event in the Dreaming. However, because they were low magnitude and happened so infrequently, there was no cause for concern. Until now, of course.”

You wet your lips nervously. You are fearfully replaying Matthew’s words from earlier in your head about what happens to vortexes.

“What course of action are you going to take to stop it from happening again?”

“Well, it appears that it only happens when you are severely stressed or afraid and then have a nightmare,” Lucienne replies.

You look at Morpheus.

“So you could just stop me from having nightmares?”

“I cannot do that. I do not think it wise. Nightmares serve a purpose. They are a necessary means to help you confront your fears.”

His stance is regal and tone unyielding.

You visibly deflate, there will be no persuading him, you are certain.

“What I will do is grant you a reprieve from them until you are less unsettled in your waking life.”

You blink as you process his words before becoming alarmed.

“And what happens the next time something bad happens? I can’t just stay inside and avoid everything and everyone that could potentially upset me. That’s no way to live.”

“I will step in,” he says this like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Wait, let me get this straight. You are going to stop my nightmares every time I feel emotionally out of control?”

“Yes.”

You stare at him in shock.

“If that is agreeable to you,” he adds.

“It is.”

He stands.

“Then it is decided.”

***

You and Morpheus return to the main doors of the palace and stand on the bridge side by side.

His hands are clasped formally behind his back as he watches you looking out at the gates in the distance that are book-ended by mountains.

Subconscious life bustles in the landscape around you and beyond. Dreamers have been dreaming the entire time you have been here, completely oblivious to the threat you pose to them.

You look up at Morpheus and gesture before you with both hands.

“So you made all of this?”

"Yes.”

“How long did it take you?”

“Eons.”

"I feel privileged to have experienced it in such a lucid way. It's more beautiful than anything I have ever seen.”

“I am pleased you think so.” His voice sounds strained despite his choice of words.

A murmur of Starlings are suddenly dancing in the sky. Clearly someone is dreaming about bird watching.

“You will need to wake up soon,” Morpheus says.

“Oh, okay.” His comment is so abrupt that you can’t help but feel like you are being kicked out.

“I will come and check on you in two weeks.”

He goes to raise his hand and end the dream.

Your heart lurches.

“Morpheus, wait.”

He pauses.

“Thank you. For everything. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve your kindness but I am really grateful for what you’re doing for me.”

His eyes soften to an ocean blue.

“I meant what I said to Lucienne. I will do my utmost to protect you. You have my word."

---------------------------

"I used to be overwhelmed by every little thing. Torn apart, unravelled at the seams. I think it rooted in the way I breathe."

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tiffanylamps · 2 years

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I am wondering how did JW get through the first couple days or weeks after DS’s and HGH’s arrest? We watched the drama for 16 episode then many developed the serious brainrot. What does it feel like for JW who has spent the last several months in the case, developed the deep relationship with DS and Manjang people, twisted and turned and endless late nights…then all of a sudden everything came to an end at that night…. Cannot imagine the hollowness he must have felt. How did he get through with just himself ? I bet Hyuk must be there for him but must still be very very hard. I am wondering how YJG and SHK feel after this project. Have they experienced similar withdrawal like us? #mental-dump #just-want-to-chat-with-someone #it-is-good-to-see-jw-smile-after-a-year-but-he-must-have-gone-through-a-lot-of-xxx

Firstly, thank you for your message. I appreciate that you took time out of your day to contact me <3

So... Heartbreak interlude/Post-Canon Han Joo Won? The man of my (albeit minor) worries and concerns? The small baby cherub himself that... gosh, simply put, he needs therapy.

Let's get into it. I'm going to overshare my headcanons and hopefully give satisfactory answers to your questions along the way...

[grab all of the snacks and stay hydrated. I go on about it for about a decade because I don't know how to stfu. As always, excuse my dyslexia pls]

[EDIT 12/07/22: I added some more thoughts because i cannot be stopped... someone stop me pls]

Okay, firstly, look at that gif, look at the Joo Won we are being presented in the ending scenes and tell me he's okay. He looks so worn out, emotionally suffocated; as if he has put all of his emotions into a glass jar and has been huffing on it just to get a hit. Joo Won is vein and yet, he hasn't had a haircut, he's wearing the same clothes, he has bags under his eyes, he walks with a shyness that isn't like him, etc, etc.

Han Joo Won is a confident (not to be confused with his arrogance) man. We do not see that confidence at the end of ep. 16. I read his body language as someone who has been strung up to dry, through his own doing. He has spent an (almost) year emotionally self-flagellating because of what he did. Joo Won is semi-responsible/directly involved in three people's murders. The guilt must be weighing a tonne on him. That, including his overwhelming feelings of guilt/complicated feelings toward Dong Sik... well, I don't think he would be dealing with it in a healthy way.

Joo Won doesn't scream like he's a "i go to therapy and take my meds and openly talk about my trauma in a healthy constructive way, whilst learning to slowly forgive myself" kind of guy. Quite the opposite.

(yes, hit your chest with a loaded gun whilst you have an anxiety attack... people, his finger is on the trigger!!! what are we going to do with his man?)

How did JW get through the first couple days or weeks after DS’s and HGH’s arrest? (my thoughts only, based on my wild imagination and lack of knowledge) Joo Won was one of the lead investigators in the national /international scandal of the decade: the murder and cover-up case of Lee Yu Yeon, involving the lead suspect, General Commissioner of South Korea's police force, Han Ki Hwan. He was not the arresting officer but he was a leading detective of that case, working undercover/behind everyone's backs with his colleague from the Inspection Inquiry department at headquarters (from my understanding, it's basically Internal Affairs), who also happens to be the deceased twin brother. [He's also the arresting officer for Lee Chang Jin, Park Jung Je, Jo Gil Goo, and Do Hae Won. that's a lot of paperwork and a lot of court hearings.] Yeeeah..... that's a sticky situation. I fully believe that the South Korean version of the CPS (crown prosecution service) would have wanted Joo Won off that case as quickly as they could because his involvement will make it very messy in court. [Personally, I think HKH would have a solid appeal and I think it might even go through because of Joo Won and Dong Sik's handling of the case. A half-decent lawyer could make a meal out of the relationships/dynamics at play here.] He is also the arresting officer of his partner/ his father's arresting officer... Which is just... yeeeeeeeah. a. lot. So, he'll be doing a lot of paperwork, following procedures, answering SO many questions and I think, just going through the motions, completely and utterly numb to it all. Emotionally, he would have checked out in order to assure he brings justice to the victims and their families.

But that emotional numbness won't last for long...

I fully believe he would become a media sensation but not because he wants to be. I think the press would follow him around and dig every ounce of his life as they can, so they can sell more papers/get more clicks regarding HKH's case. (they follow him to and from work, sit outside his flat, find all of his favourite spots, contact everyone and anyone who could have dirt on him... basically, make his life a living hell). Also, the fact that Joo Won is handsome and annoying is a factor. He was also correct about the Manyang serial killer, investigated his own father and arrested his partner- gosh, well, there's a lot to be said about him.

(come on, the insta pages created in his honour would be bountiful. he has nice clothes, great hair, that face, a nice arse that doesn't quit, and a funny personality... He's the young "star" of a modern Shakespearean scandal. it's bound to happen.)

So, I think he would be harassed by the media/public throughout the duration of his father's trial. He'll be ostracized by MANY people within the police force because he's uncovered the extent of the institutional corruption. He'll be a very busy boy, who is on the edge of falling apart 24/7 because life is a lie/gone to shit.

How did he get through with just himself? I bet Hyuk must be there for him but must still be very very hard.

Okay, so let's get to my headcanons and talk about my juicy (unhealthy) theories of what Joo Won's (almost) year away could have looked like.

It's either he:

He works very hard and keeps his head down. He's quiet and tries his best. He applies himself to prove that he's not his father's son. Perhaps, over time, he reconnects with his mother's side of the family and that helps him develop an identity outside of his father's shadow. Or.... my preferred theory... (it's dramatic, just HJW)

Joo Won is a fucking mess. He is someone who cares more than the average person, he holds himself to a very high standard and is his own worst enemy. He is suffocating with guilt, it drenches him to the point he is soaking; heavy and unable to move. His day-to-day life is a slug that he endures because it is the right thing to do. But at night, or when he's alone, he's a trainwreck. I believe Joo Won has substance abuse issues (as hinted with his drinking in the show) and I think that would get much worse post canon/the interlude. Joo Won drinks to punish/numb himself, he drinks alone and during the day. We never see him drunk but that could be because he's very good at controlling that side of himself... Well, as someone who has control issues like him (wanting to be in control but also, has a very bad temper/easily loses control with the right pressure/if Dong Sik pushes his buttons), what if something so traumatic happened to him that it forces his self-control out the window? What then?

(this boy loves to punish himself. He's a masochist, I tell ya. Maybe he'll get into BDSM, who knows? it might be cathartic for him; losing control in a controlled setting)

I think he would allow the sides of himself that he's been repressing his entire life to come exploding out. It's messy, ugly, and painful but germination isn't a pretty process. It's a cold undertaking that happens alone, in the dark corners of one's mind, and doesn't always succeed first-try. But like many seedlings, Joo Won can survive in the dark and has an abundance of perseverance. He just needs to spread his roots and keep reaching toward the sun; with patience, he will eventually see the sky.

But he can't do it alone.

There are three important men in Joo Won's life:

His father: Han Ki Hwan

His partner: Lee Dong Sik

His other: Kwon Hyuk

He sent one to prison (who gave him massive daddy issues, let's be honest), he arrested the second (who he had a complicated/queer-coded relationship with) and that just leaves one behind. One left out of three... and you know what? I think in pure Han Joo Won style, he would have become desperate, compulsive and obsessive over Hyuk.

(there aren't enough gifs of Hyuk. It's a crime. I love him so very much.)

They are the remaining sons of a dying dynasty*; a defamed house that is burning down to the ground, ignited by the molotov cocktail that Joo Won threw himself.... lit with the aid of his partner. HE WOULD BECOME SO RELIANT ON HYUK, I can't even begin to explain it.

*someone play Dynasty - Rina Sawayama

Hyuk would become his everything. He would do anything; he would self-sabotage to hell and back if it meant he got to keep the only person left to him. (his last remaining family member) Hyuk is his friend, his forced rival, his pseudo brother, his sore spot, his sweet spot, and someone (depending on your interpretation of the text) he may felt some non-platonic feelings for, at some point in time (i.e, adolescent crush/sexuality awakening/first love kind of situation.... they gave each other funny looks, okay? don't blame me, the Han family is weird!) Joo Won means a lot to Hyuk. He would LOVE Joo Won relying on him, so he would really step up. [[ I think that in the future, this would cause tension between Hyuk and Dong Sik (kind of like: I picked up the pieces you left, bitch. ) ]]

Anyway, anyway, anyway, in summation: I think Joo Won will have a horrible time of it. He would be so focused on keeping himself accountable that he'll end up punishing himself through self-destructive means. He would reach a point where Hyuk is like "enough is enough" and drags Joo Won's self-pitying arse home and sets him straight (lol). Joo Won would try to reconnect with his Lee family (his mother's family) either physically, or privately/mentally, so he can try to find his true identity (outside of his Han heritage/father). I think they'll be a lot of self-discovery, punishment, and an explosive release of 28 years worth of tension. He'll make many mistakes and it'll be a very sad and lonely process. But through Hyuk's guidance and his own need to carry on, he'll learn to grow and uphold his promise: to never treat anyone the way he treated Dong Sik (never hurt ds again). (ep. 12, 34-ish minutes in) I fully expect him to gradually (over many years) finally accept to go to therapy but I think it would take a very troubling (police) case to get him there. I also believe that it would take years for him and Dong Sik to get to a point where they could even consider exploring what the hell they had going on. They need a lot of time to heal and grow; to accept and forgive each other, and themselves.

I LOVE the idea of them being messy idiots for years. Who continuously make mistakes and drive the other insane. But they both stubbornly stay by each other's side like glue because they're cut from the same cloth. (Come on, let's be real, has Joo Won been ever been this comfortable with anyone else? So open and real, so himself in every way; even the ugly and immature parts. Dong Sik has seen every side of him and still accepts him. beautiful. and Joo Won wants to be in Dong Sik's life so desperately, he wants to be good for him and bring him happiness- he wants to make his life easier. according to the script, Dong Sik sees Joo Won as his saviour...... that's heavy. what a beautiful bond) No one understands them the way they understand one another. No one will accept them the way they accept each other. No one else will have the shared trauma and therefore, the patience they need to be with one another. I love the idea of them developing a deep friendship. I read their dynamic as romantic, so I would suspect that at some point along the way, they would explore that side of it. Whether they could make it work or not... I don't know (I hope so)

I am wondering how YJG and SHK feel after this project. Have they experienced similar withdrawal like us?

I'm not too sure. But considering Shin Ha Kyun received an award for his wonderful performance and made a rare appearance on social media to celebrate the 1-year anniversary of Beyond Evil, says that he hasn't forgotten about it. Yeo Jin Goo, on the other hand, can't escape it. He's currently starring in Link: Eat, Love, Kill which is basically a (headache of a show that has massive problems with its tone but is still very charming) het romantic comedy version of Beyond Evil, including basically the same storyline, just told from a different perspective, even including a few of the same actors. So... I don't think he's going to be forgetting any time soon. [We need a season 2, mainly so we get more of these wonderful characters and 10/10 cast/crew. but also because we didn't get an editorial fashion shoot with these two (SHK & YJG) and that is a crime. I said it, someone needs to do time. Joking aside, I don't think they ever will (make a season 2) because if they were to follow jwds's story, they would have to explain some stuff... the actors could see, the audience can see, and the creative team leaned in towards it... so, do they have the bravery to make the show queer? like 100% canon no-second guessing queer. I don't think so.]

So.... yeah. Before I write a 20-million-words about Han Joo Won (which would make me more pathetic than him lol), I'm going to leave this here. Joo Won is a delicious character with so much depth that he can be interpreted in many different ways. I think that's just wonderful.

Just because I see him as a little weirdo who uses kinky sex, drugs and alcohol to punish/explore himself, whilst pretending everything is fine on the outside, and still somehow making it to work (just) on time, *inhale* doesn't mean you or anyone else has to see him that way. He's fab, this show is fab, and you are fab.

Thank you for your message. I hope this answers your questions. I also love talking about this show, so thanks for choosing me to be the person you chat with.

[EDIT: I should include that I think the majority of Joo Won's grieving and destructive behaviour will happen during the almost year-long interlude. I do believe that once he knows that Dong Sik doesn't blame him and actually still feels affection for him, the weight will be lifted and he go down the path of self-forgiveness. He'll mess up and be silly along the way but I fully can see him one day living a relatively normal life, living with someone (preferably a certain someone) who understands and supports him. His future is FULL of love and discovery.]

As always, if anyone wants to add to the conversation, please feel free to do so. I'm sure many will disagree with me and that's okay, this is just my opinion of one of my favourite fictional weirdos.

May he grow and learn to love himself (he deserves so much love, bless him).

Bye for now!

#beyond evil #jtbc beyond evil #han juwon #han joo won #beyond evil analysis #beyond evil replies #beyond evil meta commentary #jwds #lee dongsik

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