#but i think just how rose also struggles with her loneliness and disconnect from others due to her Light aspect visions | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

misstrashchan · 3 years

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Since @im-the-king-of-the-ocean did a post about what TMA fear entities the RWBY characters are aligned/avatars of, I’ve been itching to do one myself because as a result of overlapping hyper fixations I think about this A LOT

The basic concept is that avatars in TMA become what they fear most or embrace a fear they have developed the most complex relationship with that plays into their motivations and drive as a character. What negative impulses they have to constantly fight themselves on, the shape of the monster that lives in their heart.

To quote the RWBY song Fear, “But our greatest fear will be realised, if we fall and lose ourselves to fear, we’ll become what we’ve feared all our lives” yeah that’s a very loose definition of what becoming an avatar is.

Since MAG s5 has proven that you can be an avatar of more than one fear, (Like Martin serving both the Eye and the Lonely) some of the RWBY characters might have more than one, but I’ll try to limit it to two to avoid getting complicated, but at the end of the day it’s all fear soup, we might categorise them according to Robert Smirke’s 14, but they all bleed into one another, like Gerard’s colour analogy in 111:

GERARD

I always think it helps to imagine them like colours. The edges bleed together, and you can talk about little differences: “oh, that’s indigo, that’s more lilac”, but they’re both purple. I mean, I guess there are technically infinite colours, but you group them together into a few big ones. A lot of it’s kind of arbitrary. I mean, why are navy blue and sky blue both called blue, when pink’s an entirely different colour from red? Y’know? I don’t know, that’s just how it works.

And like colours, some of these powers, they feed into or balance each other. Some really clash, and you just can’t put them together. I mean, you could see them all as just one thing, I guess, but it would be pretty much meaningless, y’know, like… like trying to describe a… shirt by talking about the concept of colour.

O-Of course, with these things it’s not a simple spectrum, y’know, it’s more like –

ARCHIVIST

An infinite amorphous blob of terror bleeding out in every direction at once.

GERARD

Now you’re getting it.

ARCHIVIST

Like colours, but if colours hated me. Got it.

Ruby Rose: The End. The fear of death itself, uncaring and unstoppable. Man this was hard to think about but I have a lot of Big Feelings about this one. Initially I really, really wanted to give Ruby the Eye simply because “can laser beam monsters with their eyeballs once they become powerful enough” and there is a fascinating overlap in how the Beholding powers and Silver Eyes function in the same way, (especially in how Cinder being exposed to the Silver Eyes fills her with an overpowering fear and reopens old wounds from trauma that have never properly healed; which is VERY similar in the psychological affect Jon’s has on his victims when he Beholds them) they’re both direct enemies/opposites to the Dark that expose their enemies/victims true nature and destroying them in the process at times. Only one feeds on fear and the trauma of others while the other feeds off of hope and love (Gerard says there’s no such thing as an avatar of hope and love, clearly he’s never heard of Ruby).

But nope! The fear and nature of the Beholding just doesn’t really match with Ruby at all. She isn’t driven by a need of knowledge, nor does she fear being watched, followed or having her secrets exposed. The End though? Death itself? Ruby outright states that’s her biggest fear in volume 5 to Oscar “It doesn’t matter if you’re standing in Salem’s way or not. She’ll kill anyone. And that, scares me most of all” to me Ruby’s fear of death itself is projected onto Salem here, I think. It’s uncaring, unstoppable, it doesn’t discriminate, and it could come for the people she cares about at any time. What matters though is the context she says this is in explaining her motives to Oscar. Her whole life has been shaped by her inability to process death, her relationship with grief, all starting with the tragic and abrupt death of her mother Summer as a child. She’s also surrounded by a lot of death motif too, the hooded cape, mostly wearing black, the giant grim reaper scythe. She’s the End.

Of course, her being an Avatar of the End means having to imagine the worst version of Ruby, one that is fully consumed by that fear. Avatars of the End are not malicious or destructive in nature but instead are… very apathetic. They don’t need to seek out victims to feed off of, nor do they have a ritual, because the End comes for all. And that fits with what Ruby would be like if that fear fully consumed her. It’s more or less established in vol6 during the apathy arc when she tries so hard to fight against their influence and how horrified she is when everyone around her falls prey to it. Giving up, not caring, accepting the inevitable demise of everyone and yourself? Ruby was terrified of that. And when looking at the vol8 opening where we see Ruby being dragged down by what looks like the arms of the apathy? She fights the hardest against it because it’s what she’s most afraid of, but because of her inability to process her grief properly is ultimately what will make her the most vulnerable to it when she’s pushed to her limit. All Salem needs to do to break Ruby is to remind her of Summer’s death. Not even what actually happened to her or how she died, just the death itself. Hell, the first time we see Ruby in the Red trailer, she’s at her mother’s grave, the first verse in Red like Roses that’s about Ruby “Red like Roses fills my dreams and brings me to the place you rest” in which we come to understand that the “Red like roses” lyrics in both part one and two of the song is referring to Summer’s abrupt death which Ruby apparently dreams about, which brings to mind Oliver Banks, our most prominent Avatar of the End, whose first statement to The Magnus Institute in 011 (underneath the fake alias of “Antonio Blake”) is concerning how he started dreaming about the deaths of others, which he didn’t begin to take seriously- until it was his father that he saw in his dream. Upon which Oliver realised how terrifying death really was and that fear began to consume him.

Okay I’ve probably gone off long enough about this but yeah. Ruby is the End. I mean, she also just got a song in the v7 soundtrack called Until the End

Weiss Schnee: The Lonely. The fear of isolation, of being completely cut off and alone or disconnected from the rest of society. I don’t really have to go too deeply into this one. It’s pretty cut and dry. “The loneliest of all”? And the Schnees basically are the Lukas family. Actually thinking about it the Lukas’ are actually somewhat better? They were the only ones in the whole of TMA that understood to raise a child to be an heir/avatar of their fear they needed room to reject it or actively choose it, even if that had an 80% success rate. Both are still awful though. (Damn, I can’t believe Jaques is an actively worse parent than an eldritch fear avatar)

When Weiss comes back to Atlas in v4 she’s more aware of her loneliness than ever, feels more aware of how she and atlas high society as a whole is disconnected from the rest of the world and its struggles. Whitley commenting on her being in her room for months implies she’s purposefully been isolating herself during this time as well, in order to avoid her family members “A pleasure to see you out of your room for a change” (sidenote; the fact that whenever Whitley shows up it always catches Weiss off guard, like she didn’t even notice his presence until he wanted her too. That’s. That’s a BIG Lonely thing. Given Peter’s siblings eventually ran away and he was the only heir I can imagine Peter being what Whitley would end up like if no one intervenes)

I’d say they might also be an possibility of the Stranger due to her struggling to find her own identity and inability to recognise oneself, but that can be an aspect of the Lonely too, as we see when Martin is in a house that is a domain of the Lonely in s5, and is unable to recognise himself in the mirror or recall who he is.

What I do have to say about this is it’s pretty interesting considering at this point in the show Weiss’ relationship with loneliness is actually somewhat healthy and something she can use to relate to and help others. She understands other people’s loneliness, that Blake in v5 needed space and in time she’d come back, and Weiss would be ready to be there for her when she did. And she also understands Yang’s loneliness in the same volume and that she needed someone there to support her.

“But you’re right. I don’t know loneliness like you do. I have my own version. And I bet Blake has her own version too.”

Speaking of Blake…

Blake Belladonna: The Stranger, I Do Not Know You. The fear that you cannot trust the perception of yourself or of others. The creeping sense that something isn’t right. I considered the Spiral, but the Stranger and the Spiral overlap more than any other two entities so I’m just gonna go with the Stranger. Especially with her semblance being a metaphor for disassociation, a coping mechanism for the abuse and gaslighting from her relationship with Adam being kind of the biggest thing here, since the Stranger and Spiral deal with that a lot. She literally creates false copies of herself, shadow clones which she uses to feint, distract and evade. As well as statues/mannequins when dust is involved, which the Stranger is known for manifesting. Her fighting style centres around misdirection, stealth and fooling people’s senses. She also used to be part of the White Fang, known within Sienna and Adam’s faction to wear the masks of monsters, appearing anonymous. And she literally disguises her identity as a Faunus in order to escape the White Fang and enroll at Beacon. Blake at first was hesitant to trust and rely on the others in the earlier volumes, to let her guard down, and when she finally did, the worst happened and her fears were proven right. In s2 Jonathan becomes more paranoid due to being marked and in close daily proximity to the Stranger (as Not-Sasha), much like how Blake in v2 becomes far more paranoid and less trusting of her team. She also does seek knowledge or answers even at the cost of her wellbeing, which is an Eye thing, but Blake’s desire for knowledge and answers isn’t really consistent or important enough with her character and motives beyond vol2 for me personally to consider her an Avatar of it, but I do think she is Eye aligned.

Yang Xiao Long- The Eye. The Ceaseless Watcher, It Knows You, as well as The Hunt. For the Eye, the first time we see Yang is her trying to find information on her mother, and we see Raven in bird form at the beginning too, as she has followed Yang her whole life, never actually interacting or doing anything for her, just… watching her. We learn in vol2 that her search for answers surrounding her mother has been a part of her entire life, almost overwhelmingly so to the point where in her childhood she and Ruby nearly lost their lives to the Grimm when she decided to journey to a shack in the woods she thought would lead to clues in finding her mother. She is adamant because of that experience to never let her need for the truth and answers control her, but it is a need that is always there. When she finally meets Raven, she’s encouraged to “start questioning everything she knows” which, she does. Questioning and knowledge is a big part of Yang’s character, even now. She’s the one who questions Ozpin the most, as well as Raven herself, and in the recent volumes is the one who challenges and questions Ruby’s leadership the most. There’s also a moment in vol7 of her drawing parallels between herself and Robyn and relating to her when she says “I won’t stop until I find out the truth” Her being the one to take the relic of knowledge is hugely significant in this too, especially given the context that she acquires it right after confronting her mother, getting the answers she’s searched for her whole life, holding an artefact possessing infinite knowledge, and she sinks to her knees and cries because there is no sense of closure, that anything is better because of her knowing who and what her mother is, and that her choosing this path might have cost her ever having a relationship with Raven (which is more Raven’s fault of course, and Yang knows that, but that’s not how she’s feeling at that exact moment).

For the Hunt, this one’s a bit simpler. The thrill seeker aspect to Yang’s character and motives in becoming a huntress and enjoying the chase and fighting in of itself. There’s another element in that as most Avatars of the Hunt start out as monster hunters who then develop the need to hunt and kill monsters, and gradually what qualifies as “monster” starts to blur more and more as they become consumed by the need and thrill of the chase and hunt itself. I bring this up because in vol3 Blake draws parallels between Yang and Adam after she is disqualified for attacking and injuring Mercury, worries with how familiar this all feels and that Yang might turn out the same as him (and just for the record Adam is a full blown Avatar of the Hunt, and the Slaughter too most like)

“I had someone very dear to me change. It wasn’t in an instant, it was gradual. Little choices that began to pile up. He told me not to worry. At first they were accidents, then it was self-defence. Before long, even I began to think he was right. This is all just… very familiar.” What Blake describes is… kind of similar to Basira’s relationship with Daisy with how Daisy, an Avatar of the Hunt, would justify to Basira and explain away how the violence and murders she committed as being for the greater good.

Also just one more, because I have to

Pyrrha Nikos: WebwebWEBWEB. Hoo boi Pyrrha is the Webbiest of Web Avatars as they come. Her whole character’s themes surrounding destiny, control and agency, feeling like her whole life had been decided for her, the fact she’d been blessed with incredible talents and opportunities meant she was supposed to be a huntress, the fact her talent as a world champion meant she was placed on a pedestal without her realising, becoming separate from the people who placed her there in the first place, that Ozpin and his inner circle tell her she has been chosen as the next Fall Maiden, but the method in which she must become so might result in the loss of her identity, that though they ultimately leave the choice to her do pressure and manipulate her into it. The idea of destiny being a predetermined fate you can’t escape is Pyrrha’s greatest fear, and rejects that idea in that she will not let her life be manipulated but will be the one to take control it instead, which is manifested in her having a semblance that she uses to subtly control and manipulate her surroundings. As Cinder puts it, “People assume she’s fated for victory when really she’s really taken fate into her own hands”.

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calypsoff · 3 years

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Ninety Three. Part 2

Robyn being abusive as hell to me right now, also banging doors like why are you angry. Because I don’t want you to drink your life away, because I care about you. I am just watching her from the top of the stairs, I am sat on the step as she just smokes again, and again. Like what is happening, I am just confused on a lot of this situation because we went out and she drank and we had a good time but then what happened, did I trigger something. She’s very off, nothing like I have seen before. This is a whole new persona with her, and I just don’t like what I am seeing but that’s my wife, I am going to ride for her and support her and stop her from doing anything stupid. She’s not herself and I hate it, she’s smoking heavily too out of thin air. She’s in one place but is angry at me for stopping her when she is the one speaking to men, speaking to other guys here for what. I am her husband; she should be talking to me unless I missed something somewhere along the lines. My phone started ringing, I know it will be Monica because she’s been after her since I said we are going Vegas which I supported her in this, now I feel I made a big mistake, that I shouldn’t have done it. Answering the call “hi” I am going to put a poker face on and act like things are fine “why isn’t my daughter answering my calls? Where is she Chris? She is a mother, Rylee needs her. I am taking her to Barbados if she does not come home, I want her home!” I am getting threatened from every end “you not taking my daughter there, if you need to go then go home, my parents are there. I can’t make your daughter speak to you!? You know that right?” This is crazy “if she is there then tell her I want her” I sighed out “Robyn?” I shouted from the top of the steps “fuck you” that is her answer “she’s gone to the bathroom; Monica I will get her to call you soon. Ok?” I don’t know what else to do “please, just to hear her voice” nodding my head “will do” disconnecting the call and getting up from the step, I want to go home to Rylee now. I feel so bad, my daughter is back home.

Dragging my feet towards Robyn “shall we go back home? I want to go home to our daughter, she needs us” Robyn blew the smoke out from her lips “me, she wants me. Now you want to be in her life huh!? Now it suits you, now you’re not in Canada you want to be a dad!? You’re sick, you men just think you can come in and out, destroy hearts, destroy childhoods because you want fun!? Now you want to be a dad when you weren’t there for her in the first place, huh! I struggled, I was alone like a single mother while you were there out, having fun. Now you care! Nigga you’re funny” she is really biting “Robyn, like. I don’t want to argue with you but if you want then we can, you were out there speaking to some niggas. Kissing fucking dices!? Who the fuck do you think you are” Robyn put the cigarette out and got up from the seat “I’m being you!? I want to be just like you men? I am sick and tired, why should I be obliged to be at home while you did nothing, I want to know why it feels so good to leave your daughter out in the cold” Robyn and I just stared at each other “I don’t feel a single thing, but loneliness. I am tired of being there for people that take advantage of me, and then here I am being the world’s worst mother, my daughter gasping for breath. I am tired of being used, tired. What about me? What about what I saw, now you know how it feels yeah? His name is Mark, luckily it ain’t India. The one you found attractive” Robyn walked off, but I grabbed her arm “get the fuck off me nigga, I am going out” shaking my head half laughing “the hell you are, you kidding? You’re going to sleep or whatever and then we can talk, you said we need to talk more so let’s talk” she snatched her arm from me and walked off, she hasn’t swore at me but left.

I am sitting downstairs now, just because I do not trust Robyn to not go out, she is being so sly with everything. But I did need a pee break, I can hear her moving. Quickly moving out of the bathroom, I jumped back seeing Robyn in a robe, her body exposed but she has lace bras and panties on “you good?” I asked, I am hoping she has calmed down at least “yeah” she breathed out smiling “you want to talk or?” I dragged out, she came up to me and wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me down to her lips. Pressing a kiss to my lips “hey, you want to talk? I think we should talk” she bit her bottom lip “why talk” she said before licking my lips, my mouth attacked hers hungrily, her lips opening undermine, trying to move back from Robyn but she has a firm grip on me, she is not letting me go. My hands gripped her hips, I pressed her hips tightly into me. I picked her up, my hands cupping her ass. Her long legs wrapped around me; our lips never left each other’s. I love Robyn so much; she is so fucking sexy. Pressing her covered core to my growing erection. Making my way to the bedroom, slowly going up the steps. The kiss broke, looking up at Robyn “you are so fucking sexy” she said smirking down at me.

I laid her down on the bed on her back, I undid her legs from around my waist and stood up. Robyn moved to sit up, but I pressed her back into the bed “lay down” I said, standing up. She rose up so that she could lean back on her elbows, watching me. I kissed both her ankles before pulling her high heels off her feet, dropping them to the bed. I ran my lips up her calves, enjoying the smooth skin of her legs. I let my tongue reach out to taste the skin behind her knee. She moaned, her breathing slowly beginning to pick up pace. I continued my exploration of her legs, making my way up to her lace panties. I smiled at the way the muscles in her legs tensed whenever I placed my lips onto them. I dipped my fingers into the waistband of her panties and teased them down. She lifted her hips, making it easier for me to take off. I kissed each new patch of skin that was exposed, placing deep, sucking kisses along her pussy lips. She gasped, letting her head fall back, lifting her hips towards me. Pulling her panties off her body, I tossed them to the ground. She is now naked from the waist down and I just licked my lips.

She leaned up and grabbed me, crushed her mouth to mine, pressing her naked body against my clothed one. Her arms cupped my face, holding it securely to hers. Her nipples were tight and hard as they pressed into my chest. I groaned and grabbed her hair in my fingers, attacking her tongue with mine. She moaned and I ate it before it became sound. Her hands went to my pants, cupping my erection. Moving her head back, she shuffled off of the bed and frantically pulled my pants down. She is so quite vicious, but if she wants to do this then why not. She got out my member and that was it, I was gone. She had taken my dick in her hands like it was a lollipop and crawled forward towards it, her mouth open and her tongue out. I was finished, it’s been so long since I have felt her mouth around my member “oh yes” I said breathing out, Robyn started bobbing her head on my member, I am gone.

My eyes shot open in shock “no, no please god no” jumping out of bed; she fucked me to sleep, I can’t believe that this is happening to me again. Dragging open the bedroom door and running down the steps, I am butt naked too. She isn’t here, I know she isn’t. Running back up the steps and back into the room, her stuff is here still so she is around, the casino. She has to be there again; I am going to lose my mind right now. She had sex with me and then disappeared because I fell asleep, oh she’s bad. Pulling my boxers up and grabbing my phone, I need answers right now, I need to know what the fuck I’m doing and the best person for this is Mel, she will get it, but I don’t want to say I keep losing my wife. She’s hanging with men and then saying I did it so can she, tapping on Mel’ name. She will maybe tell me what to do, I am just at a loss with everything. Pressing my phone against my ear “please tell me she is there” Mel said down the phone “not exactly” I mumbled “Mel, what is happening. Robyn has been going missing on me, she is not her. She is just angry, hurt and then pointing fingers at me, I don’t know. She’s gone missing on me again, I said to her she isn’t going anywhere, and we had sex and then she ditched me.” I am stressed out.

Mel snorted laughing “that bitch” she is laughing but is not hearing the seriousness of this situation, like my wife is going awol “so she used the charm on you and put you to sleep, she’s an asshole that girl. So where is she now? Monica is going crazy; she left her daughter like that and we all trying to say look she needs some time she’s had a lot on, and it’s just got on top of her. It’s wrong that she can’t just have her time, and by the way there is a video of you two in the elevator, she hit your arm or something. No audio” my eyes bulged out “Mel, she is on some war path. She hates me” what the fuck is happening “she is taking it really bad that her no good for nothing dad didn’t care, she mentioned it to me, and I goes look Robyn let it go, he has always been this way, but he’s popped up more now because of money, I try to say he don’t actually love you like that, but I can’t. She said when she called him, she called him and he said I want to marry my girlfriend, we are getting on so well. She is making me a better father, to her kids. She has a daughter or whatever. Robyn said she was like my daughter could have died. He said she has the best care, she is ok but help me choose a ring, she goes you mean buy it and he laughed and then after that she was angry. She started saying Chris didn’t care about my daughter she is getting same treatment what is it with men leaving their kids, why me. But she seemed to have got over it so I thought. Monica is aware because Rorrey said about Ronald. But she doesn’t know about the conversation. It’s hard because she is the only one in denial when we see it, she just wanted that love. She felt jealous, said to me I see you with your dad, daddy girl. I wanted that, I felt I didn’t have that protection. Men didn’t respect me so help me god if Chris doesn’t for Rylee I will be crazy, I said like Monica is with you. She’s going through it. Erm, shit yeah. So she is where?” I dropped the phone from my ear, my heart sank. My heart sank for her because I know how much she wanted a dad. She said it to me, she looked to my dad. She said she never got that love, just pain from the shit she seen him do, and I know she is hurting so much but I didn’t know.

I can hear Mel shouting my name, leaning down and picking the phone from the floor “I am sorry” I managed to say, I am so fucking upset “Mel, I didn’t know. Why didn’t she speak to me, all that time when we would be in bed together just talking she didn’t even once say Chris, look my dad. This happened, I would be there for her. I didn’t know” it makes sense “it’s fine Chris, erm. But where is she? You need to stop being weak, my girl is good at that shit and dipping” Mel said “Casino, look. Don’t judge me, but how do I handle this, she is very abrupt and very in my face about shit, she hates me too” she actually does “she doesn’t hate you; she is pushing you away. She doesn’t feel worthy, she is hurting that she feels she has been a terrible mother too, you need to be on her level Chris, just don’t mention if she is drinking too much. Or whatever, just be on her level, coax her into going back to the room. She is hating you because of men, that is it Chris” clearing my throat “she did say that to me earlier, it makes sense now” I mumbled “you got a long day ahead of you, even night but you need to be there. Love her Chris, she wants love, she wants to be wanted. She has been without that for a few weeks Chris, without you. Yeah she has been talking to you but like have you ever thought of asking how she feels when she was breaking down, she broke anyways but then put a wall up to be there for her daughter. She has left her here and is there, just side with her and I don’t know Chris use your charm, she does love you so you can do it” Mel believes in me, but I just feel so bad about it all “where did you see the video?” I asked “TMZ” rolling my eyes, this is an actual mess.

#chrianna fanfiction #chrianna #chriannaff #chrianna ff #fanfiction #fanfic

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imdrew · 5 years

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an autobiographical playlist

Link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0969nlIzBIXZZB9ClnyYHN The telling of my personal story is much harder than I thought it would be, for several reasons. I’ve seen a lot, been through a lot, and conquered a lot, and finding music that helped tell that story actually ended up being far easier than I had anticipated. I, of course, had to leave numerous songs on the proverbial cutting room floor, but that’s the blessing of a deadline—at some point, I have to call it a day. I’m happy to report that I’ll be calling it a day with a triumphant smile splattered across my slightly aged yet youthful, angular visage.

The story I chose to tell was my coming of age, and my rise from intellectually gifted, mentally ill drug addict to intellectually gifted, medicated, sober, bisexual academic that rediscovered an appreciation for the gift of life that had previously escaped me. For years, I was a person who would consistently get in his own way, impeding the potential I was constantly told I had…seriously, teacher after teacher after teacher told me how much I was capable of accomplishing, “if only…”

However, because I’m a glutton for punishment, I chose to challenge myself a little more by telling my life story mostly through songs that have come out in recent years, rather than using songs from those earlier days that undeniably left an impact. Those songs are still very critical and will always have a special place in my heart, but I thought it might be a fun side experiment to see how music from the last few years can just as accurately communicate life experiences that pre-date it by almost a decade.

The first and last songs on this playlist come from the same album, Mac Miller’s latest and, unfortunately, final album Swimming. Released a month before his untimely death of an overdose, Swimming is the artistic peak of Miller’s career, an album made solely for him, to let himself know that he was okay rather than appeasing the rest of the world. The opening track, “Come Back to Earth”, is one that hit me square in the chest when I heard it for the first time. The opening passage says it all: “My regrets look like texts I shouldn’t send. And I’ve got neighbors, they’re more like strangers

We could be friends. I just need a way out of my head. I’d do anything for a way out of my head.”

From the age of six, I dealt with both auditory and visual hallucinations that increased in severity as I aged. When I was a junior in high school, my illness completely manifested, and as a result, I don’t remember a large chunk of my adolescence. Between the hallucinations completely obscuring the lines between reality and fiction and my rapidly increasing drug use (coupled with my reluctance to tell any of my loved ones about my mental deterioration), I was a complete wreck. I truly needed a way out of my head, and while I absolutely had friends, I felt a considerable disconnect because I was unable to open up about the most personal parts of myself. In addition to struggling with my mental illness, I was coming to terms with my sexuality while grappling with an internalized homophobia that had been reinforced by my Catholic education and the people I was surrounded by on a daily basis. I was in desperate need of an escape, but that wouldn’t come for several more years. I continued to suffer silently into my freshman year at Muhlenberg College, which culminated in me failing out after the first semester with a 0.00 GPA. My parents’ own Blutarsky—oh how proud they were (I hope my sarcasm is palpable).

The second and third songs on the playlist are meant to transport the listener back to my first college years. With what I saw as a new lease on life, I developed a persona that was the antithesis of the mild-mannered, even-tempered, very sick and awkward kid from my youth. Brent Faiyaz’s “Gang Over Luv” perfectly encapsulates my new “too cool for school” attitude, whereas the weird but wonderful “Cool” by Zack Villere harkens back to my more genuine insecurities that would pop up whenever I was by myself, which admittedly was more than I’d like to admit.

When I was away at college, it was my first exposure to what I believed to be true independence. I was indulging in everything that would come my way, be it drugs, sex or both. Despite having a bit of a novelty pick, Lil Uzi Vert’s (in my mind) under-appreciated “XO TOUR Llif3” and RAJAN’s “Cocaine Fantasy” paint that picture perfectly. I was lost in a drug-induced haze that painted permanent rose sunglasses on my face and allowed me to act without any worry for the consequences. Yet, at the same time, I felt nothing but isolation, which is the main theme in Benjamin Booker’s “The Slow Drag Under.” Everything about the tone of this song reminds me of how I would feel in those brief moments of sobriety, which would only last so long as I lived literally three doors down from my primary drug dealer.

Frank Ocean’s “Solo” is that lilting but not-entirely-transparent tale of a self-effacing kid trying to find any way to cope with his issues other than actually addressing them head-on—it’s not exactly a cautionary tale, but it certainly doesn’t glamorize the frequent weed smoking and sexual indulgence that I had been embarking on throughout the semester. The haze was starting to break, and I was realizing that pretending things were fine wasn’t a sustainable way to live. Hence, “Fake Happy”, Hayley Williams and Paramore’s foray into self-analysis and social critique, a summer-y yet brutally honest mirror being held up to the listener:

“Oh please, don’t ask me how I’ve been

Don’t make me play pretend

Oh no, oh what’s the use

Oh please. I think everybody here is fake happy too.”

By the day after Christmas, the illusion had broken. Sitting in my bedroom at home, my parents presented me with a letter confirming the inevitable: I had, indeed, failed out of school. I was asked to take a semester off and return in the fall on probationary status, but considering how severely my mental state had deteriorated, it was clear I wouldn’t be able to return. Eryn Allen Kane’s sobering “Have Mercy”, a completely acapella track, conveys almost perfectly the loneliness I felt; like I was floating in space counting my blessings yet failing to account for most of them. I was slipping down into the water, without a care or sense of direction. I needed more help than I realized, and finally, I asked for help.

Chance’s “Same Drugs” and Ariana Grande’s blissful “breathin” are reflections on my move from hard illicit drugs to mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, and cognitive behavioral therapy. My hallucinations completely disappeared by the end of the spring, I learned how to meditate, and started seeing a therapist, which helped me find the mental fortitude to enter the first serious romantic relationship of my life, which lasted a year and I have learned, over time, to be tremendously thankful for. Frank Ocean makes his second appearance on this playlist in the form of his single “Provider”, a smooth, watery track that analyzes the role a relationship or loved one plays in the life of someone who is learning how to deal with feelings that hadn’t experienced prior:

“Feelings you provide, I know I know.

Tonight I might change my life, all for you.”

I thought I was ready to change my life for her, and in a lot of ways, I did. That said, even though I stopped using hard drugs, I still would indulge (secretly) in copious amounts of weed when I would visit my friends at my single-semester alma mater. Considering how much I fought to keep my drug dependency from my family and especially my girlfriend, I still had a good amount of work to do on myself before I could fully commit and make those changes. The relationship ended in tumult, but thankfully as we’ve gotten older the ice has thawed and civility reigns.

I also had more work to do when it came to learning how to love myself for every part of myself, and that included my sexuality. It was something that I still hadn’t explored, and frankly, I wasn’t ready to until recently. I met a boy named Kevin, and while things never took off for us, he nonetheless played a tremendously pivotal role in my path to the self-love I possess today. Daniel Caesar’s “Get You” is a slow, psychedelic love song that cherishes the passion and intimacy that a fulfilling relationship brings, and Tyler The Creator’s “Garden Shed” is an anthemic, soaring coming out song that so perfectly puts my own experience into words I couldn’t have written it better:

“Garden shed, garden shed, garden shed, garden shed

For the garden

That is what I was hiding

That is what love I was I in

Ain't no reason to pretend

Garden shed, garden shed, garden shed

Garden shed for the garçons

Them feelings I was guarding

Heavy on my mind

All my friends lost

They couldn't read the signs

I didn't wanna talk and tell em' my location

And I didn't wanna walk

Truth is, since you kid, I thought it was a phase

Thought it would be like the phrase poof, gone

But, it's still going on.”

Kehlani’s acoustic celebration of same-sex love, “Honey”, continues this theme, echoed one final time by Whitney Houston’s timeless “Exhale”, which doubles as both an acknowledgement of my current emotional and mental state as well as a thank you to all of my previous romantic partners whom, though I wasn’t ready to love them all the way, taught me valuable lessons about both life and myself.

Enter the greatest song of all time (I’m only half kidding) in the form of John Mayer’s “Gravity”. I don’t really need to say much about this song, except that it means a lot to me. It’s a song that continues to bring me peace on every listen, a grounding presence when I need it most and one that focuses me and brings me back down to Earth, which if you’ll recall from the beginning of the playlist, I had been searching for my entire life.

The final three tracks on the playlist kind of wrap everything in a tight, pretty bow, and bring us back to the present. First we have Miles Davis’ “Take It or Leave It”, a quick, hypnotic instrumental track from his Bitches Brew sessions (a sonic palate cleanser, if you will), followed by “SAN MARCOS” by BROCKHAMPTON, a relatively new hip-hop group from South Central Los Angeles that I think is tremendous. This song sits near the end of their latest record and addresses everything from members working through their various mental illnesses, coming to terms with fame and realizing that while they’ve come quite far from where they started, there’s even more that life has to offer that they have yet to find.

“Maybe I'm broken, either way I'm clinging on closely

I know it's not healthy

Appreciate your patience, I know that I'm selfish

Do my best to be selfless, I know that I'm changing

I know that I'm changing.”

The thing that strikes me the most about BROCKHAMPTON is how unflinchingly honest they are in their lyrics. I felt the same way about Mac when he was alive—this willingness to put it all out there, to put your fallibility on paper, to epitomize humanity for the world to see is a show of breathtaking strength, one that I hope to achieve and am continually working towards.

The playlist comes to a close with the closing track from the aforementioned Swimming, “2009”, which shows Miller finding clarity and mental solitude that he had been chasing his whole life, much as I have. I see a lot of myself in Mac, honestly, but I’ll leave that for another time (that’s honestly a paper in itself…and maybe a therapy session or two.) “2009” is chillingly beautiful recognition that while we may not have it all together, that’s okay, because we’re getting there.

“Yeah they ask me what I'm smilin' for

Well, because I've never been this high before

It's like I never felt alive before

Mhmm, I'd rather have me peace of mind than war

See me and you, we ain't that different

I struck the fuck out and then I came back swingin'

Take my time to finish, mind my business

A life ain't a life 'til you live it

I was diggin' me a hole big enough to bury my soul

Weight of the world, I gotta carry my own

My own, with these songs I can carry you home

I'm right here when you're scared and alone.”

With that, you have a general idea of who I am, where I’ve been, and where I am today. I won’t sit here and act like I have it all together, because I don’t. With that said, though, I’m sober, mentally stable, in a happy and loving relationship with an incredible woman, and allowing myself to be vulnerable and transparent with the people I hold close. I feel alive, and ready to come back swinging. For the first time in my already very long and simultaneously short life, I am awake, and I am happy. I have a renewed sense of purpose, an appreciation for life and the things that bring me joy, and a desire to pursue a career in education or anything that involves some sort of writing/literary analysis…

…which I’m sure you can gather from the fact that I just wrote the equivalent of my usual eight-page paper replete with SAT buzzwords even though I swore to myself I wouldn’t. Oh well!

#writing #personal #playlist #mine

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