.

7 months into 2022: an update...

Here it is, already July.

Well, I will just start by cutting down to the chase. Keith didn't turn out to be what he made me believe after all. Which is what leaves me all baffled because we never fought, we never argued, we never even had a slight disagreement in the 9 months we were officially together.

Let me backtrack a bit. Sometime last month, a few days before our 9 monthsary actually, a whole day went by where I realize we hadn't texted each other. I remember it being a Wednesday morning, we sent out our usual good morning text with the response of whatever the other had asked or talked about last. I said "I love you" and his usual reply which was "I love you more". I texted him later that evening stating the fact that we didn't text each other through the day like we usually do. This was around 10pm which normally would have been his lunch break at work. Next day, I noticed there was no text back. Then comes another day with no text. By Saturday with no word my PTSD from Greg starts to hit. Last time I didn't hear from Greg for 3-4 days, I call and get the news that he had passed away 3-4 days ago. Naturally, I'm worried and blow up his phone. Text, calls, DMs on all the social medias we are connected to, everything. By then, I'm slightly freaking out but I was still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and not let my mind wander. I just wanted to know if he was alive!

Sunday morning I call again and leave him a long voice message. I finally hear from him around 3pm Sunday afternoon saying "Hey love I lost my phone jus found it yesterday before work. Ima call you when I get up". I didn't take a look at the message again till I got home that night and realized what it really said. I know his work schedule very well and it irked me that if he found his phone before work on a Saturday (meaning before 4:30 pm) but doesn't tell me or respond to me till almost 24 hours later?! After I've done blown the shit out of his phone with 4 days worth of text messages, calls, etc.?! OF COURSE that didn't sit well with me and pointed it out to him. So, I waited for him to call and talk to me that Sunday. Nothing. Monday...nothing. I text him Monday telling him that I get the hint and that I am just gonna let him be. Here Tuesday comes, what was supposed to be our 9th month by the way, and I'm feeling crazy and heartbroken and confused as all hell. I text him a very long message that morning letting him know what he's making me feel. I know I said I was gonna let him be but I couldn't let MYSELF be. Later that afternoon around my lunch break, I sneak to the bathroom and call him. THREE rings into it, he sends me to voicemail. I'm livid. I'm still listening to the voicemail message when I get a text from him with "I'll call you later". That's it.

I was a rollercoaster of emotions that whole day BUT I told myself I didn't want to let sadness control me because of yet another man that didn't hold up his end of the relationship. I told myself I WILL wake up tomorrow and all the rest of the days that GOD wills me to open my eyes, to have a better than an OK day. And I did. I was oddly at peace and calm considering the situation. My acceptance of it all came at me so fast it was almost scary but it was the good kind of scary. Now I did text him a week later, just to ask him a simple yes or no answer. I said he didn't have to give an explanation, it's just the technical part of my brain needed an answer. I asked "Are we done?". It is now Saturday, July 9 -- over 3 weeks since I sent that text -- still no answer. Clearly he wants to for some reason pretend I no longer exist. So, for myself and my sanity, I declared that it was over between us. I have alot going on this summer that he was supposed to be a part of. If this is how he wants it to be then it is what it is. I have to keep it moving. It's just unfortunate that I'm making the moves without him.

Do I regret him? Never. I'm not the type to regret a moment in where I shared a time of my life, no matter the duration, with someone I had deep feelings for, gave my love to, had a piece of my heart. The only thing that really makes me sad is that I honestly opened myself up to the idea of love and a relationship again to him after the things I've gone through and losing Greg abruptly. My closest friends know I was closed off and felt no kind of love, want or emotion until Keith came along. And of course the future plans we had talked about. I'm sad that he chose to go about it this way instead of just speaking to me, knowing full well of the things I needed us to be on the same page on before I even agreed to be IN another relationship, let alone a long distance one.

I really REALLY thought he was different. That we wanted the same things. That we had that love and understanding. It literally feels like a switch went off on him towards me and our relationship. I was hopeful. But then again, maybe I'm just that unlucky when it comes to love.