#but for the past few years I've been too depressed to even attempt it
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Christmas cake for my partner's mum!
#birblr#birbs#robin#christmas#cake#I know it's super simple but I'm really happy I've been able to do one this year#this used to be something I really liked doing#but for the past few years I've been too depressed to even attempt it#so I'm really glad to even have done a simple design like this!#I hope she likes it at least
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For the Love of WIPs (Drarry style)
There's a lot of things I miss about LJ, but right up there was the weekly posting of the H/D Prophet run by @sassy-cissa and groovelover at the conclusion. It began posting in 2005 and It stopped posting in 2021. I know it was a ton of work for the mods to run it, but it truly kept Drarry fandom informed of all the one-shot fics, art released that week, and chapter updates for current Drarry WIPs, recs, etc... Also listed were the fests and what state they were in. Take a look at the links I posted above and see all the goodness. It was very centralized. *sigh happy times*
What made me think of this was I love reading Drarry WIPs but keep finding recent chapter fics that I missed while being posted and only found them completed and others that I'm currently reading but found by chance.
So, I thought I'd share the WIPs I'm keeping track of and those that have been completed recently that I've read.
Notes: Most WIPs (chapter fics) are long fics (over 50K and up to 1M). There are readers that see some lengths of completed fics and wince. That is one reason why chapters are often released weekly or whenever, so you have digestible amounts (5-15K). Sometimes as an author I feel in a Catch 22, readers don't have time to read long fics, but then won't read a WIP until completed. LOL
Below the cut are WIPs that I've read and that have been recently completed. I'll post ongoing WIPs that I'm reading tomorrow!
I'm not listing the Warning and Tags for these fics as I'll leave that up for you to decide on what to read or not. But, there are a few here that do have strong warnings in the tags and/or Author Notes.
One final note: I'm listing WIPs (chapter fics) that were posted over a time period, not completed chapter fics that were listed on one date as a whole.
OMG this is a long post!
Recently completed Drarry WIPs
Passing Stranger (53K) by @lettersbyelise This just completed yesterday! I have 2 chapters left to read. :)
Summary: Five years after the war, Harry, listless and depressed, stumbles upon Draco Malfoy playing the violin in an underground bar in Muggle London. The catch? Draco lost his memories five years ago. Ignoring his friends’ advice, Harry befriends an unwitting Draco, overlooking the fact that their mutual attraction might not survive if Draco’s memories return.
Comment: Haven't quite finished but I love, love, the Draco in this fic. You could feel that this is Draco stripped of all the heavy responsibilities he grew up with including having a bigoted father. The tension is palpable with Harry being attracted to this Draco but feeling that Draco needs to be Draco Malfoy to move forward. *ugh*.
2. The Boy from the Piano Shop (90.5K) by @soliblomst completed 2/25/24.
Summary: After going blind in a reckless attempt to avenge Ginny's death, Harry battles with severe depression. One day, he stumbles upon a quaint piano restoration shop in the heart of London and meets the owner, a kindly old man, and his introverted young apprentice, whose voice sounds strangely familiar.
As Harry and Draco slowly reconnect through private piano lessons, the small workshop becomes Harry's refuge, offering him a glimmer of hope in a world without eyes. Set five years after the Battle of Hogwarts.
Comment: I binged this fic bad!!! There is so much to love in this fic but one of the standouts is the OC Richard. You will love him, too. The gradual build up of Drarry is so well done. The dealing with Harry's depression is so raw and real. No cutting of corners. The ending was one of the best I've read in celebrating what is to come for Harry and Draco. And Draco, in the final scene will make you cry *happy tears*.
3. The Star Splitter (219K) by @oflights completed 3/22/24.
Summary: On a routine time travel assignment to the past, Draco stumbles upon 7-year-old Harry Potter and witnesses his neglect and mistreatment by the Dursleys. In the moment, there is only one solution, even if it goes against all his training as a Time Agent: he has to bring Harry back to the future with him.
In which Draco burns his life down for the sake of his former school rival.
Comment: I think I followed this one from the start as I do everything @oflights! OMG the action, the tenseness, the magical lore, the worldbuilding, and the sweetness of Draco raising young Harry will have you banging that "next chapter" button. The Drarry in this happens slowly and has its ups and downs but so so worth the wait. The bond is strong and at the end and you will recognize and cheer for this Harry who says Fuck it all, I ain't letting this go.
4. Spotlight (All Eyes on Us) (58K) by @pixiedunhoff completed 3/15/24. This is the 5th and final installment of the Dark Arts to Dance Floor Series (317K) which began posting in July '23.
Spotlight Summary: The spotlight can scorch.
“Has the wizarding world ever seen a couple quite like Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter? Though the pair remain frustratingly private and out of the spotlight, hardly ever seen in public together, our readers understandably demand to know more.
‘They’re happy together,’ Minister of Magic Hermione Granger exclusively tells the Prophet, before quickly ducking into a meeting for Squib Rights. ‘They’re so very happy.’”
- Daily Prophet, 2 February 2018
Comment: Pixie says in the notes, you may only need to read the 4th installment to completely get this fic, but hell, I say read them all. Pixie is newer to Drarry writing (longtime reader). I love the casualness and realness of the characters and how they interact. In Spotlight they so capture the feel of being backstage to a 'music rock star' (in the Muggle world) and on the rise in the magical one. As you're reading this fic, it might come across as being a lighter AU type fic, but don't be fooled there is much depth and layers upon layers to both Harry and Draco. Pixie just eases you into it. There were points that I just had to stop reading for a moment and digest exactly what was going on. Pixie will be on my Current WIP list, too!
5. Skybound (61K) by @xanthippe74
Summary: No matter how much Harry Potter wanted to believe he’d left danger behind when the war ended, it found him again anyway. All he had to do was step out his own front door on a Tuesday morning. A Drarry re-imagining of Howl’s Moving Castle.
Comment: I haven't finished this one, yet, but wanted to list it here. It's 6 chapters and I'm only 2 chapters in, but holy hell what world building and magical lore (and one very nasty curse). I'm not familiar with the original source, but that's okay. I'm very happy being carried along in one floating house! I'm a big fan of @xanthippe74 and am fully confident I'll love this as much as the author's other stories.
Okay, I'll be back tomorrow with a list of currently posting Drarry WIPs, including two stinging hot A/B/Os, but in very different ways.
Enjoy!
Rom
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Give me more morally gray characters ...
Let me interrupt my regular program for a brief rant about Downton Abbey and Thomas Barrow… well, not really regular as I've been too busy to watch anything with subtitles for the past few weeks. Instead, I passively binged on Downton Abbey while working.
I love morally gray characters, be it Tantai Jin from TTEOTM or Spike from Buffy. One of my favorite characters is Thomas Barrow from Downton Abbey. (Spoiler Alert, TW // suicide, homophobia, conversion therapy)
Thomas is everything I need in a character ... unhinged, angsty and gay.
I loved him from the first rude line to the last. He starts out as a delightful troublemaker with a cruel streak born of fear, hurt and the desire to be respected, fit in and belong. He is, as Baxter understands so well, his own worst enemy, having perfected self-sabotage over the years.
A supporting character for most of the show, the footman-turned-butler's story is usually prioritized over his character development - meaning the writers know where they want him to end up each season, even if it contradicts previous characterizations. This leaves the audience with a character who can be hard to follow at times.
The writing really got on my nerves at times. From conveniently forgetting his medical training when they want him to despair during his job hunt, to pulling any kind of cunning out of him when they want him to appear changed (and depressed), Thomas is always what the showrunners need him to be, but not necessary what would make sense for his character. I'm still annoyed that they made him go through medical torture in the form of conversion therapy and a suicide attempt, and then glossed over these traumatic incidents in favor of boring other storylines. Or how they portrayed his war injury as an act of cowardice rather than desperation.
What I love about him is that he was still a coherent character who remained a morally gray character (the last film aside, because they sort of forgot to give him any of his character traits back). Thomas would still lash out when he was angry or hurt, would still manipulate others for his own gain, and would still feel wronged by the world. Once the world has brought him to his knees, he understands that he has only himself to blame, and he tries to do better - which has its ups and downs. The Thomas we see in the final and in the films still wants to belong, is still a desperate romantic, but he is also so incredibly insecure in a rather endearing way.
Younger Thomas was rather stiff but dignified, trying to appear immaculate, trying to hide the fact that he felt he was anything but. Once the mask comes off, he goes from being a reluctant cat to being full of nervous puppy energy. As a neurodivergent person who has recently struggled with not being able to masks well, I can relate a little too much to this version of Thomas.
Most characters, that start out as villains, either change completely (like Tantai Jin), their behavior will be excused (like Mo Ran or Spike) or they sacrifice themselves for the greater good to redeem themselves (like Spike). Thomas stays more on less morally gray. We understand the reasons better, why he would lash out at others, and we can feel sorry for him. He had a harder life than most, but that still does not undo the harm he has done to others.
All in all, the last film was a bit of a disappointment for me, mainly because a lot of the characters felt a bit off. I had to watch the film twice to get behind the romance with Guy Dexter. What Guy meets is Thomas desire to be respected as a person, to be seen as worthwhile, to escape the life as decorative wallpaper and to finally have a romantic relationship with someone that is rather enthusiastic about him. A lot of their relationships seems to have developed off-screen, based on Guy knowing who Carson was during his proposal and understanding how uncertain Thomas still feels about his role in the household. I wish them well - but not at the expense of Thomas being excluded from the rumoured 3rd film. I hope it takes place in the USA and we get to see him again!
I really wish we would see more morally gray characters like this, even through a quick look into the fandom of Downton Abbey shows me, that not everybody can handle it.
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It was a good attempt
Hey friends. I've had something eating away at me for a while now; I was going to give it a bit more time, but the anxiety around not talking about this is getting to me, so I'll just be direct.
I'm leaving tumblr (sort of).
Without being too melodramatic about this: I've had a lot of complicated thoughts about social media, fandom, the internet in general, being an artist/streamer online, and a bunch of related stuff over the past few years. It's always hard to sort out these thoughts properly, and even harder to talk about them, because I don't want anyone to attack me or assume I'm treating my personal experiences as universal, or belittling something that's important and meaningful to them. I will say I firmly believe that for many people, the modern internet is more harmful to mental health than we're all willing to admit. But I also know it's a great source of connection and friendship where I've met some of the people I love most. If I had a more solid black-and-white conviction or thesis about these complexities, I wouldn't be struggling so constantly to make sense of it all, and the internet's place in my life.
That said, the evidence of my own life points to the fact that the less "online" I am (at this point in my existence), the happier I am. That the remaining sources of self-loathing depression in my life are almost entirely triggered by the internet. That social media is a disaster for my OCD. For many months, I was hoping tumblr would be different. It's not. Realizing that the same old problems I have were just going to resurface here again was a painful process, one I kept denying.
I thought I'd be fine if I only checked in once or twice a day, but the more I do that, the more I find it hard to get myself to check in at all. Because when I do, I feel like I just can't keep up with everything anymore. I don't feel like a part of anything, I don't feel wanted or needed, and it just exacerbates my problems.
But I'm not going to disappear completely. I'll still pop in from time to time and answer any asks, and maybe post doodles. My art account @altermentality will still be active, when I have something worth posting.
You can still find me on twitter for now, and bluesky, but my presence of being truly "active" socially online will be limited to:
Discord- because I enjoy the few smaller, private-ish servers I'm in, and it's my hub for keeping in touch with people one-on-one.
Twitch - At this point in my life, I still greatly enjoy streaming, although my capacity to do it reliably varies. I also love the communities I'm in that I've developed with other streamers.
I'm altermentality on all the places mentioned above. If you'd like to keep in touch, please reach out.
My queue will run until it runs out.
It's been fun and I wish you all the best. Be well.
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A little 4.4k Dreamling drabble involving retired!Dream! Written for @samsalami66, who chose the prompt 'Where have you been?' from this list of prompts here!
This is technically an epilogue to Shoulder the Sky (please look at the warnings if you want to read this! It is heavy) and takes place after it's partly-written sequel I've yet to post. It can be read entirely separately though, with little confusion :)
Warnings: References to Depression, References to Past Suicide Attempt. Neither of these are graphic or anything, but figured I'd mention them just in case!
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He thinks about it for a little while before taking pen to paper, admittedly.
Mostly because it needs to be perfect. There’s a lot of thought that goes into something like gift giving. Even before—before this, before Hob took care of him, gave him a place to stay, offered him all the care and affection Morpheus could ever need—it was something he put a great amount of effort into. Gifts are…important. Significant. They mean something, and Morpheus thinks this one means a lot.
Because this is a gift for Hob, and he loves Hob. He loves Hob like a heartache, a physical thing he feels when sitting next to his partner. His boyfriend, a term which still manages to make him so joyful he’s tempted to use the word ‘giddy’ for it even two years after they established their relationship.
It is not just that he loves Hob. That is a big part of it, of course. Morpheus cares about him, and wants to do something for him. It is as simple as that, a lot of the time. Morpheus does not gift things to just anybody.
This time, though? It is…also a token. Of appreciation. For—well, for everything.
The two of them have been through. A lot. Morpheus’s gradual spiral into depression—he has a diagnosis now, which does wonders for when he feels as though this is some kind of weakness—until he found himself unable to continue with his function. His brush with Death, who offered him a way out that was not the Sunless Lands. Hob grieved over him for a while. At first, this knowledge inspired a kind of wonder. Morpheus truly did not think he was the kind of being one would miss at the time. He was always in the background of things. The architect of s and nightmares, the king of the realm, the caretaker. That is all.
Yet Hob cares about him enough to have grieved for him. It is a heady thing, that knowledge. When he first learned of this, it made a part of him ache. He couldn’t quite understand the idea of somebody missing him enough to cry over him.
Now—now, this knowledge makes him ache with age-old guilt. Much of it, Hob has worked hard to alleviate, determined to tell him whenever the guilt grew too poisonous to deal with that he has no need to be sorry. To be guilty. That in the end, Hob is merely glad he chose another way out, that they get to live with one another for longer.
Morpheus thinks he is glad for it too. There is little more he has ever wanted than the ability to sit besides Hob on his couch, head resting on his boyfriend’s thigh as he runs his hands through Morpheus’s hair as the TV drones on, the touch soothing and gentle and so, so lovely. There is little more he has ever wanted but that simplicity—than the act of simply existing in another’s space, with few expectations and no functions to cage him.
It is a blessing, one he is glad he took the chance to take. He does not know what led him to take Death’s offer but a faint but determined spark of hope at the idea that things truly can change, even for him.
This—this life he has made for himself with Hob’s help, this new, wonderous life—is proof of that. That things do not have to be all bad.
It is progress, this thought process, that he knows Hob will be proud of, and as he walks away from the library—the library he works at, now, because he is human and he has a job and he can still connect with this part of himself because it wasn’t taken away from him during his transition from Endlessness to humanity—with his gift clutched tightly to his chest, he is glad. He is so, so glad that he did not take Death’s hand that day. In a year, as promised, he will tell her this.
(She will smile, he thinks. It will be tinged with old sorrows but it will be so glad. He cannot wait to see his dear sister Death simply so he can show her how much better he is doing now. This is what she has always wanted for him—the ability to find joy in life, the ability to look at the world and decide to live again and again. He is proud that he can do this.)
When he makes it to Hob’s apartment—their apartment, now that he has let himself officially move in, located above The New Inn. He avoids the establishment itself, slipping into the building through the back door used only for staff and heading straight up the stairs. He has found joy in spending time inside The New Inn. Things are not as…as terribly loud, these days. He finds himself overwhelmed occasionally—far less than before, and he is pleased with this obvious development—but overall, it is good.
But he has other pressing matters to attend to. He has a boyfriend to greet and a gift to give and he will be damned if he does not do these things as soon as possible.
When he unlocks the door, he calls out, “Hob?” There is a ritual—an established one, one he has been performing for a good year now—to entering the house after being out. He locks the door again and toes off his shoes, carefully placing them on the shoe rack against the wall. It is all neat in a way that pleases him. (His doing, this. Hob had never been particularly caring about where he left his shoes. At some point during his period of…transition, he supposes, Morpheus had stared at the pile of shoes in the corner and decided it needed organising, simply because the haphazard look of it seemed so impractical. Hob was more than willing to indulge him.) Then it is his coat, shrugged from his shoulders and hung beside the door, right next to Hob. That sight brings out a sliver of joy, too, the sight of the two articles of clothing hung up side-by-side. It says they are together, and Morpheus enjoys the reminder.
It is something he did not think himself capable of keeping a year ago. Relationships have never been his forte. Yet—yet this one, he has worked hard on. This one, he has done better at. And now they are together, and he is happy, and things are…lovely. Golden, almost, in a way he never quite thought himself capable of having.
He has proved different to himself. He is proud of doing so.
”In here, love!” Hob calls out to him. His voice sparks a smile across ’s face. They hurt less than they did those first few days adjusting to his new found humanity. The other day, he looked in the mirror and saw the faint impression of laugh lines around his mouth. A strange thing to notice, that—he has never been so outwardly changed by something he has felt before. He has always loved the marks Hob wears—the crows feet, the worry lines that become more pronounced when he glances at Morpheus in concern, the dimple in his chin that becomes all the more pronounced when he grins.
He found himself happy for it, the visible proof that things can change and get better. That he is happier now. Those marks serve as proof. He has seen Hob staring at them a couple of times, the joy in his eyes bordering on reverence. Sometimes, he traces them with ever-gentle fingertips. He holds himself at bay always, Hob does. Always unwilling to hurt him despite his previous inclination for violence.
He follows Hob’s voice, ignoring the way anxiety worms its way into his stomach. It is easier to ignore now, and though he clenches the leather-bound journal held tightly in his arms a little more, he allows himself to breathe. This is Hob. There is nothing to be nervous about, he knows. If anything, Hob will love his gift. He is confident of that.
Hob is, strangely, already in bed despite the fact that it is only late evening. Morpheus leans against the doorway and watches him for a moment. He is lovely to look at, his dear Hob. All soft and golden as he pays close attention to the book he holds in his hands, so very concentrated. The sight widens the smile that has already made itself home on his face. He does not mind it at all.
”Hello, love,” Hob says as he glances up. His eyes land on Morpheus as easily as ever, familiar and comforting, and Morpheus is alight with the knowledge that this is his. That he is allowed the sight of Hob’s eyebrow raising curiously as he notices the journal he holds close to his chest, almost protectively, as he smiles in that little way he does whenever he sees Morpheus. It is a heady thing, the knowledge that he is allowed all of this, and it is not one he thinks himself capable of getting over. It will always be a miracle, this love. This life, small but his, full of choices he made on his own. Independently, with Hob’s helpful advice, with his boyfriend’s cheerleading.
He is lucky, he knows. And he is so, so grateful.
”Where’ve you been, my dear?” Hob asks him. There’s a bit of concern there, thinly veiled, and it tugs at a part of Morpheus that once would’ve found offence in that small thread of concern. Now, it is an honour to be cared for by one such as Hob. He is glad for it. “I believe your shift at the library finished up early, didn’t it?”
He smiles, tentative and more than a little nervous. This is it. “I stayed at the library for a little longer. I was…finishing something. For you.”
He blinks, slowly as though unsure he processed Morpheus’s words correctly. Eventually, something fragile and lovely breaks over his face like the sun rising at dawn, and Morpheus is sure this is all he can ever want out of this life of his. Just this. The ability to come back to Hob, time and time again, and find joy in the quiet moments between them. “For me?”
”To show my…appreciation,” he says softly. He hopes it is enough to convey all he means by this. It is not only appreciation, but it is love too. Gratitude also, for all Hob has done for him.
There is less guilt now, but nothing quite lessens the impact of the knowledge that, ultimately, Hob went through a great deal aiding him. It is something he has grown to feel less shameful for, but not something he is well-equipped to show his appreciation for. But he thinks this will be a good way to show it—words have always come easier to him in stories, and this has been no different.
”Oh.” He frowns softly, and though he still looks happy at the idea of Morpheus having done something for him, his expression turns serious for a moment. “You know you don’t have to do anything for me, right? You’re my partner. Before that, my friend. I will do it all again and again, no matter how many times, if it means I get to keep you in my life.”
Unbidden, his eyes sting with tears. He stares at Hob and that declaration rings bright and true, and he laughs softly. “This is supposed to be about you,” he protests. It is weak, even to his own ears. He has always appreciated some reassurance, and he still does now. “I know, Hob. That’s not what this is. I only…wanted to do this for you. That is all.”
”Oh.” Hob’s eyes shine with what looks suspiciously like tears for a moment and Morpheus is momentarily plunged into panic, but it eases quickly. A grin takes over Hob’s face, bright and beautiful as the sun, and Morpheus is glad that this is how his life turned out like. He would go through it all again a thousand times if only to get back here again, to this moment. “In that case, I’d love to see it.”
It takes him a moment to move from the doorway. The journal in his hands remains clutched tightly to him, some part of him reluctant to let it go. It is a lot, he is aware. After he thought about it for a little while—a couple of weeks, admittedly, as he went back and forth over the idea until he decided to simply bite the bullet and commit. It meant something, he figured, that he continued to return to the idea, and so he began. He took pen to paper and started to write, and for the first time since his imprisonment, he found so much joy in a story. In the act of creating one.
Writing it took a while, too. All of it was done at the library, simply because he knew he’d be unable to stop himself from telling Hob everything if his boyfriend were to ask about it. Once he began, he was excited for it.
It was a slow process, of course. There are human limitations to contend with now. Cramps, for example, he found to be rather painful. After so long, he began developing calluses, too, which also hurt. It was worth it, though.
And now the pages inside are full of every little thing he can fill it with. There is an intimacy to writing with a pen and paper he has yet to find elsewhere that gives him the ability to write truly, from the heart. It infused each page with everything he isn’t quite able to say in person.
He does not mind Hob knowing him like this, but there is a latent fear that he is too much. It is irrational, he knows now, but it is there. He acknowledges it for a moment. Stares at Hob’s eyes, slightly widened in wonder and looking at him with curiosity, and decides to just get it over with. Realistically, there is nothing to be too nervous about. This is Hob he is talking about. It is only the act of gifting something that bares his soul so blatantly, the act of giving something he himself had written with his own hand. It is different to have created something directly, instead of being the inspiration behind it.
But he is proud. And he thinks Hob will be too. He also thinks he knows his boyfriend well enough now to know that he will like the contents of his journal.
It is that which prompts him to move forward, gingerly sitting on the edge of the bed. Hob sits up properly so he no longer slouches against the headboard, all barely contained excitement with a smile on his face. He takes his bookmark from the bedside table and slots it in place. The book he was reading when Morpheus entered gets abandoned beside him, all of Hob's attention focusing solely on him.
It is just as wonderful, that attention, as it was the first time. It is something Morpheus thinks he will forever be affected by, and he counts his blessings in the comfortable silence that grows between them as he holds the journal out in front of him for Hob to take. It's a pretty little thing, the journal, bound in faux leather and the pages of decent quality. It was the first thing Morpheus bought for himself, with the money he earned working at the library. Hob, of course, made sure to tell him that he need not work for his own money--that his experiences in the 1600s had made Hob determined to never fall to such lows again. I have more than enough money saved up for the both of us. Would easily last us another century or two, love.
Morpheus had heard that and considered it, though only for a little while. In the end, he only...he wanted to do something for himself. Wanted to have the ability to live his own life independently. If he were not living with Hob, he knows he would manage well enough on his own now, even if he'd stumble a little initially as he learned the ropes. He does not regret his efforts in looking to work, nor does he see the time spent as a library as a waste. It gives him the ability to live for himself without having to rely so heavily on Hob, which he needed, if only to prove to himself that he could.
It is helpful, too, that he quite enjoys the work. He is surrounded by books on the daily, and he finds any of his difficulties with social interaction become so much less when he gets to talk about stories. It is a pleasurable experience he is glad he pushed himself to take, and he knows he will not regret a thing.
Hob takes the journal with gentle hands, holding it like it is something important. Special. Morpheus's heart aches in his chest at the sight. Hob does not even know what the journal contains yet, besides something Morpheus has done for him. Yet despite his ignorance, he treats it with reverence. Morpheus loves him dearly. "Are you sure?" he asks, looking up at Morpheus for a moment.
The concern is welcoming, and it is sweet of him. Morpheus smiles and though his heart feels a little like it is determined to beat fast enough it may fall out of his chest, he says, "Yes. It is yours. I would like for you to take it and read it."
So he does so, taking the journal from Morpheus and holding it before him. His excitement is palpable, and Morpheus watches the way he runs his hand over the faux leather as he opens the journal.
Inside, the pages are full of writing done in Morpheus's hand, all swooping, elegant cursive. This, too, is something that remained solely his upon transition. The more he learns about his latent abilities, about the things he continues to enjoy--art, sculpting things with his hands, stories--the more he is glad that he is still him. Glad that, in the end, these things are not Dream's. He is no longer Dream of the Endless, with a function and duties to attend to, with a purpose for his existence, yet he is still him.
There is a novelty in that. In the knowledge that he truly is somebody, and not the culmination of the collective unconsciousness's dreams. That he truly is a person, as Hob has tried so hard to tell him. He believes that now.
He watches the spark of curiosity in Hob's eyes grow larger, lighting them up. It is the same curiosity that inspires him to continue to live, that fuels his incessant love for life. Morpheus adores the sight of it on his face. "These Dreams of Hope," Hob reads, and it is when he reads the name underneath it that his head shoots up fast enough Morpheus fears he may hurt himself and stares at him wide-eyed. "You--You wrote this?"
That nervousness grows, but Morpheus nods. He trusts Hob. He trusts Hob with his life--he can trust him with this little thing too. "Yes. Nearly every page."
He laughs with an air of incredulity and doesn't tear his eyes from the journal. It is, admittedly, much thicker than most notebooks Morpheus himself has come across, and of a rather decent weight too. "How many pages even is this?"
"Around three hundred," Morpheus supplies. "I didn't fill in all of them, but close enough."
"You hand wrote nearly three hundred pages of--of what?" And that is wonder in his voice, and Morpheus knows he has not done wrong by choosing this as his gift to Hob.
Gently, he urges, "Read it. You shall see."
Hob looks at him for a second longer before nodding. "Alright. Would you lay with me while I do?"
"Gladly," Morpheus murmurs. He wants, he realises now, to see Hob's reaction. Wants to hear his reactions as he reads, wants to see if it moves Hob as it moved himself as he wrote it. He wants Hob to read every word on that page and see him, and he wants to be there when he finishes it. They could stay up all night until he does and Morpheus would not mind a single bit.
He settles in beside Hob on the bed, curling up against him. It matters not that he has yet to change out of the clothes he wore to work, or that it is still a little early in the day to be laying in bed like this. It is comfortable, and it is warm underneath the duvet, and despite the fact that it will make reading somewhat more difficult, Hob wraps an arm around his shoulders and pulls him in close until Morpheus's head rests on his chest. It feels safe, and lovely, and Morpheus is glad he chose this.
"Comfortable?" Hob asks him, and there is a smile in his voice, and Morpheus is suddenly aware of how content he is. There is none of the raw, aching things harboured inside his heart. The wounds have long since healed, little more than tender scars that sometimes stung left behind. He is glad this is his life now. He is happy, and that is a glorious thing that has seemed impossible for so long.
"Very much so," he murmurs softly, and he hopes Hob understands it. He hopes Hob hears it all. "Come on. Read it. I want to know what you think.
In the end, the two of them read it together. Hob gets past only the first page and asks, "Is this about us?" in a tone so fragile and careful that Morpheus moved enough to be able to press a gentle kiss to his cheek as he confirmed it. After that, Hob starts reading out loud. It is soothing, each word said with such clarity, and Morpheus finds it is...it is lovely to have these things he wrote in his own hand read out loud by one so near and dear to him, and it is lovelier still to be able to acknowledge how well-done his writing is.
Eventually, they have to turn on the lamps on either side of the bed, bathing the room in soft, golden light. They take a couple of breaks for the sake of Hob's voice. And they both read the story of one immortal man who hoped with such insistence, with such power, that it rubbed off on the king who did not wish to be such, until he found the ability to take control of his own life once more.
A story of love, and of choices. Of friendship.
When Hob reaches the end, he lets the book fall against his chest. Morpheus squirms around in Hob's hold so that he can look up at his face. There is something so fragile there, something delicate. His eyes shine with tears, and Morpheus panics for just a moment until Hob moves suddenly until he is leaning over Morpheus and kissing him. It is a little rushed, and Hob's aim wasn't entirely accurate, but it is perfect regardless simply because it is them. It is him and it is Hob and it is lovely and warm and tender and Morpheus makes a soft little noise against his boyfriend's lips and holds him close.
This, he thinks, is what he wants for the rest of his life. More of this. Of the love and care offered to him; of the chance to move Hob with nothing but a story; of late nights spent reading to one another.
After a couple of moments, Hob pulls away. He looks down at Morpheus with such obvious adoration that he cannot help but preen, and he smiles softly as he cups Morpheus's cheek in his hand and watches him lean into it. The warmth of Hob's palm bleeds into his skin, joining the heat in his face that Hob's kisses tend to inspire in him, and he is so wonderfully happy it feels like a miracle. "It is--it is lovely, dear heart," his boyfriend murmurs. "You write beautifully. I'd say you should get it published, only I am terribly selfish and want to keep it all to myself. Shall I frame it? I'm sure I can do that."
He laughs softly. It comes easier to him, these days. "You are ridiculous," he informs his boyfriend, only he cannot keep the fondness from his own voice. Of course he can't. It infuses every part of him--it only makes sense that it would seep into his voice, too. Morpheus has always been one for feelings that resembled a wildfire, so all-consuming and bright. It is no surprise that, even when he is human, he fails to keep it all contained inside his chest.
"You love me anyway," Hob teases him.
And Morpheus does. He loves him, and he has the freedom to do so now. Has the freedom to lean up and brush his lips against Hob's and grin softly without worrying about ruin, about rules and warnings. "I do," he agrees, because though speaking his feelings aloud is certainly not his forte, it is something he is trying to be better at, simply because Hob deserves to hear it. Because he deserves to know that he has consumed so thoroughly, so completely. "And you need not worry. Every word I wrote in that journal is for your eyes only, my love. Though. I am not opposed to the idea of...writing more stories. Of publishing, perhaps."
"Yeah?" He kisses Morpheus once more, little more than a simple brush of their lips, before he says, "If that is what you want to do, my love, you know I will help you with anything at all. I think you'd be great at it."
"Yes," Morpheus agrees. He is honoured to have Hob's support so easily, and more than grateful for it. "I believe I would be."
"You would." He moves to lie back down and they are so wonderfully close that Morpheus makes a pleased noise and snuggles up to him, and Hob laughs softly. It is lovely, and it is everything Morpheus has ever wanted. "So? Am I allowed to frame it?"
"If you must," he says with a sigh. He doesn't mean it. In fact, he thinks he would quite enjoy the sight.
"Wonderful," Hob says, and he wraps his arms around Morpheus's waist.
Neither of them are dressed for sleep, but they remain there for a little longer before deciding to move, far too comfortable and happy with their current arrangements to do much about it at all. The entire time, Morpheus clings onto him tight. He has never been so glad to have made one choice before, but humanity has proven to be rather wonderful so far, and he cannot wait to see where it leads him next.
#the sandman#dreamling#dream of the endless#hob gadling#dreamling fic#morpheus dream of the endless#the sandman fic#eris writes things#i will post this on ao3 as soon as i come up with a title XD
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Okay so I've done some write-ups for various fandoms in the past, and having been in the Stardew Valley for a little while now (I'm soo LATE to the game but I'm glad I get to experience it!) I thought why not a Shane fiction seeing as he is my absolute favourite character! Really be addicted to this man istg ;-; anyway, I'm not sure what write ups are like here, but I wanna share! Hope y'all like it! It's short and sweet, not great either, but I enjoyed writing it all the same ^^
The Long Walk Home
(Fic based on Shane's 8 heart event during the storm)
Pairing - Shane x Farmer (Female Y/n!)
Warnings - Mentions of sui*ide, depression, anxiety etc. Hospitals, alcoholism...
Description - After spending your evening speaking with Emily about your previous encounter with Shane at Marnie's ranch (previous heart event) an early storm roles in as you leave, taking the long walk back to your little farmhouse. It isn't until your foot bumps into something odd that you realise not everything is as it seems in Cindersap Forest...
Thunder rolled overhead. What had previously been predicted for the end of the Summer season had come early: a torrential downpour of fat, heavy luke-warm raindrops and the whip-cracking sound of clouds crashing into eachother at such an outstanding velocity that the sky tore in two with the claws of lightning bolts.
You had been perched upon a stool inside the cozy Stardrop Saloon of Pelican Town, head buried into your muddied arms with your right hand clutching onto a half-empty glass of water after a long day in the fields. Work hadn't intended to be so difficult, albeit the thought of what had happened the day previously had you wracking your brains with guilt and worry for the past several hours - even as you attempted to sleep.
"I'm sure Shane will be fine." Emily sat opposite you, her hand working a cloth inside one of the Saloon glasses as she continued, her expression attempting to be cheerful with a splash of hope, "I've known him ever since he moved here with little Jas. He's always been to himself, always here drinking..."
Your head snapped upright with a frown, "That's the point. He's always drinking, and he's always to himself..." You wavered your hand in a gesture that could only explain your worry further, "I mean- who has actually spent the time to ask him how he's really feeling?"
Emily replied with a shrug and a frown, "Nobody really gets much else out of him than the snarky replies, so nobody really bothers." She buried her hand deeper into the glass as she spoke, your eyes watching closely as the squeaking became louder, "I do tend to get more of a friendlier conversation mind you, but that's about it, poor guy..."
"Guess I'm just worried about him is all, he does seem like a lovely person. I've spent enough time with him at the dock to see that." You murmured with a shrug.
Another splitting crash of thunder had the walls of the Saloon shake. You narrowed your eyes upward towards the celling as if you expected the entire thing to collapse under the sheer malice of such a storm. Emily too shared your concerned expression and took a step back, tipping her head a few times towards the door, "You best be off if you want to get home in one piece."
"Yeah too right," you agreed whilst scooping yourself up and fixing your boots into place, "Thanks for the chat though. I'll go see how Shane's doing tomorrow. Gonna be passing that way back home actually, I fancy a walk."
With a wave and a bow of farewell you were on your way, arms crossed to shield yourself from the debris that the wind had managed to strip from the trees as you made your way back through Cindersap Forest. The rain had practically flooded you by the time you'd taken five steps out of the Saloon, but you welcomed it. Summer had been unusually hot this year, and you and your crops needed the much needed water to moisten your dry skin.
Now with such dark, thick clouds overhead, you struggled to see a good few feet ahead of you, and the jet stream of rain didn't seem to help either.
Of course I forgot my flashlight... how could I possibly-
Clank!
That wasn't thunder...?
There it was again. That same clanking noise that sounded awfully familiar to "Beer cans...?"
There now resting cold and wet in your hand was an empty beer can after you had bent down to investigate. It had to be the same brand of alcohol as the cans you had seen in Shane's room yesterday. That's when a heavy gust of wind disturbed the forest floor and with that the sound of various other cans echoed down the pathway leading towards the edge of the forest, close to the cliffside.
Curiosity always got the better of you, you'd admit, but this was a different sort. It was anxiety bubbling away in your stomach, a knot so tight and horrifying it urged you to just go and follow that ominous trail - it was fear gnawing away at your bones...
So you followed with a frown.
A can here, a can over there... until you saw it through the flash of lightning. A silhouette of a man face down, teetering on the edge of the cliffside, surrounded by empty cans.
You could barely feel your throat vibrate when your chest constricted, letting out a terribly frightened yelp. Your feet charged aimlessly towards the scene, your heart rampaging inside your chest. You collapsed next to him, hands gripping onto the drenched blue rugged jumper as you begged for him to show you any signs of life, "Shane- come on Shane wake up!"
There was a sudden shift, and you felt yourself flopping back onto your knees with wide eyes and a slack jaw, hands now buried into your lap.
"...Y/n?" Shane barely managed to wheeze out at you, jaw clenched and eyes shut firmly. He stifled a sob, "I...I'm sorry..."
You found yourself silent and unmoving, as if you had a complete understanding of the situation and knew what to do: let Shane speak his truth. Regardless, you couldn't make much noise from your voice box through the shock anyway.
The man let out a drunken hiccup and barely managed to take in another breath as he continued, "M...My life... it's a pathetic joke."
Your eyes, heavy with sadness, caught sight of the tears that escaped his ducts. Even with such heavy rain, you could just tell that those droplets sliding down his cheek grew more heavy than the downpour itself.
Shane continued, "Look at me... why do I even try?" Sobbing again, much harder this time, Shane recoiled into himself. He felt his hand slip over the edge of the cliffside and narrowly opened an eye to take a look out into the horizon, "I'm too small and stupid to... to take control of my own life. I'm just a p... piece of soiled garbage flittering in the wind..." He jerked, having almost thrown up the incredibly high amount of alcohol he had consumed prior, and felt himself nearing the edge some more, eyes now focusing on the border of the cliffside, "I've been coming here often lately... looking down... here's a chance to finally take control of my life... these cliffs..."
You could have sworn you felt your heart shatter. You knew Shane was struggling but not like this... it had you completely broken listening to the pain in his voice. Your hands shook uncontrollably as you continued to listen.
"B... but I'm too scared-" Shane jolted again, forcing his mouth shut, "... too anxious. Just like always..."
You felt Shane's attention focus on you this time, "Y/n... all I do is work, sleep and drink...t... to dull the feelings of self-hatred." He was now angling his head towards you, deep green eyes focused on your own as you silently gasped with a visible flinch, "Why should I even go on? Tell me... T... Tell me why I shouldn't roll off this cliff right now."
A moment of clarity finally hit. You knew this was your time to speak. Shane gazed at you expectantly, deep purple hair clinging to his drenched face.
You took a deep breath, barely holding back a sob of your own, before steadying yourself to speak with a broken expression, "The decision is your own. Just know that I'm here for you."
Shane remained silent for a moment, and another roaring crash of thunder echoed overhead. The storm should surely pass soon.
Finally, he answered, a small glint of hope now shining through the dark shadow behind those eyes, "... Thanks. I appreciate that. I really do."
Your head tipped to the side, a sad frown formed upon your face as you attempted to place your hand upon Shane's, but ultimately pulled back. Shane let out a gurgled cough and groan before attempting to lift himself, though he barely managed a few centermeters before collapsing back down, "Y/n... I think you should take me to the hospital now."
Your eyes widened, and you barely had time to even think before you were on your feet and gently scooped Shane up, letting him wrap his arms around your shoulders to keep him upright, "It's gonna be a long walk... but I'll get you there. Just don't give up Shane. Stay awake. Let me know if you need to stop or anything, okay?"
Shane whined out in pain but stabled himself against you, wincing in pain as he barely managed to stand straight. He nodded, gripping onto you as if his life depended on it- which it did, of course.
You gave him a squeeze for comfort and began your perilous walk, "I'll get you there Shane. I promise..."
***
White hospital lights hummed overhead. You found yourself waking from a short nap, head against the pearl-coloured sheets of a bed, but not your own. As you rose to sit upright, your tired eyes caught sight of Shane. He was tucked neatly under the sheets, hair now mostly dry and fluffed up, sticking in all different angles but mainly falling over his closed eyes. His chest rose and fell softly in such a way that at long last showed relaxation for such a mentally exhausted individual.
A sigh of absolute relief escaped your lungs, finding yourself gazing at the man's face in awe of how peaceful he finally seemed.
"How are you Y/n?" The voice that jolted you upright was none other than Harvey, the town doctor and one you knew well. He came to stand bedside your chair, looking down.
You offered Harvey a reassuring smile, "I'm doing okay, thank you Harvey. Just a little cold."
A small nod from Harvey reaffirmed his content with your own wellbeing. You hadn't come down with a fever, nor a cough, so you were going to be fine. He then turned his attention to Shane, "I've pumped his stomach and re-hydrated his body. He's going to be okay."
You gave Harvey a slow nod, sighing in the process as you frowned softly, eyes locked onto Shane's face as he slept. You felt the warmth of Harvey's hand meet your shoulder to offer some comfort as he spoke, "It's good you brought him in, though."
A wave of concern washed over Harvey's face as he spoke, "Too much alcohol is terrible for the body, but I'm more worried about his mental health..."
Me too... you wanted to speak that out loud, but something stopped you. For now, you just wanted to remain silent.
"Once he comes to," Harvey continued, "I'll have a chat with him about his treatment options. I know an excellent councelor in Zuzu City."
Ha... something that concrete jungle is actually good for...
You felt yourself shudder. Shane seemed so peaceful now... so content. You could hardly believe that you could have lost him tonight. If you hadn't made your way back through Cindersap, who knows what would have happened... Harvey's hand squeezed your shoulder to bring you back round, and you gazed upward to meet his eye.
"Life can be painful, sometimes..." Harvey spoke with a spark of confidence, "But there's always hope for a better future. You've got to believe in that." With that, Harvey removed his hand and gave you a smile before exiting the room. You heard the audible click of the door as it shut and felt your gaze drift back over towards Shane.
Your head tipped to the side, and with a small smile, you placed your hand upon Shane's. He stirred slightly, fingers twitching, before he too began to smile ever so slightly. You felt a jolt within your chest, a warm fuzzy feeling that completely shrouded each nerve ending within you. Tonight's events... the way you felt yourself gazing so protectively over the man ahead of you, and the idea of almost losing him had your head spinning until finally you felt realisation dig its claws into you.
You'd fallen for him. You had fallen in love, and you'd almost lost that all in one night, but here you were with your hand against Shane's own.
Now you were just thankful you had taken the long walk home.
#stardew shane#stardew valley#stardewvalleyshane#sdv#stardew#shane x farmer#shane x reader#stardewvalley
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Cielpansyhive multichapter WIP list!
All of these are in various stages. Some fics are completely plotted, hence the chapter count, some chapters are to be decided still. Others are mostly figured out, a few are vague ideas. A handful of them already have a chapter mostly written that just hasn't been posted yet. I'm including works I have posted on AO3 but haven't finished in this list. I've been busy the past few years, I just haven't been posting or talking about my works. I'd love to answer questions about any of these, without spoiling anything of course.
Kuroshitsuji:
Revamp – Heavy LGBTQ+ characters and themes, modern setting. Sebastian rents out a room in Ciel’s house. After much flirting and interests are made aware, Ciel will have to admit to Sebastian he’s a trans man that has been living in stealth. Sebastian was never able to explore his identity freely. Both have old trauma they must navigate as well as society and family’s expectations. Friends to lovers sebaciel. Found family and discovery of identity. Drag queens galore! Background Alois/Lizzie, Grell/Madam Red, Agni/Soma. Slice of life, smut, sex positivity, mental health, trauma, angst with happy ending. (20 chapters) Currently under revision as this was my first fic!
Skilamalink – Crimson Peak AU, early 1900’s. Two brothers and their mysterious butler must find a way to get their hands on a small fortune. Their inheritance is sinking into the red clay. Ciel Phantomhive searches for a new bride in hopes of marrying into wealth. Tragedy follows the Phantomhives like a dark shadow. Astre Phantomhive is deathly ill and in need of treatment. While he knows there are sinister things that go on behind the scenes, in his wildest dreams he could never imagine what is being kept from him. When Elizabeth Midford comes into the picture secrets begin to unfold. Horror, whump, mystery, murder, ghosts, dark fic, smut, romance, multiple ships, implied incest, satisfying ending. (6 chapters)
Freakshow – 1930’s circus AU, The Great Depression era, prohibition. Sebastian has searched the city only to have every door slammed in his face. Reluctantly he turns to the only place he hasn't tried, the circus. The last thing he wants to be viewed as is a freak, but he doesn't blend in society very well with Marfan syndrome. Circus owner William T. Spears is falling apart at the seams. His circus is failing, though he'd never admit it to anyone. Too many people depend on him, namely his twin sons, Ciel and Astre. Ciel is the star of the show, the biggest and brightest. His acts include knife throwing, magic, and good old fashion card tricks, made even more impressive by his blindness. Even with the crowds dwindling, he's not ready to move out from center stage. Especially not for the rookie new act. Astre is bored to death. The circus has been the same for years. Same people, same acts, same crippling anxiety that keeps him from performing. People try to make the circus seem spectacular, but to Astre it's just dull, everyday life. Astre has a difficult time making friends due to his inability to speak. Heavy angst, some dark themes, slow burn, past Snake/Astre. (Chapters TBD)
Rumors – Famous AU. Modern setting. A model and a rockstar couple, how original. Sebastian and his band are at the top of their game. Everyone wants to interview them, the paparazzi won’t leave them alone, and rumors fly in an instant. Ciel’s a well-known heir and model, finally making his first semi-public appearance since he was held for ransom. People want his story, at least what they can’t already see. Ciel is never without his eyepatch and gloves, he refuses to talk about that day. He attempts to move forward with his modeling career. Ciel hasn’t been laid in years, of course he won’t turn down the handsome rock star that approaches him at a party. For Sebastian it’s been…a few days. Sebastian has never had a serious relationship, but Ciel interests him. Sebastian invites Ciel to join them on their mini tour. Ciel would have to leave behind the security of his home and his own personal bodyguard for the first time in years. It’s all sex (a lot of sex), drugs, and rock n roll. Sebastian and Ciel try to navigate a relationship they must hide. Both are on the edge of self-destruction. Angst, intense themes, trauma, drug use, self-harm, eating disorders, mostly hurt/barely comfort, betrayal, lots of smut, hopeful ending. (9 chapters)
Bloody Bastian – American Mary AU. Modern setting. Sebastian is a surgical student getting ready to start his residency. Med school isn’t cheap, financial aid didn’t even cover books and materials and his bills were piling up. It was difficult to locate a job that would work with his schedule. He finds an ad that a local strip club has posted. They state women or men can apply, it’s worth a shot. Sebastian enters the club. It looks clean enough, not just a hole in the wall that won’t pay minimum wage. The owner, Bard, takes an interest in Sebastian even though he seems overly qualified. Sebastian’s schooling comes in handy as he becomes involved with illegal surgeries that pay fast cash. He remembers his vow to, “do no harm,” but when do the lines blur? His world becomes tangled in revenge and body modifications. Bard pines over Sebastian and will do whatever it takes to make him happy. Detective Ciel Phantomhive is investigating the disappearance of Sebastian’s previous professor. How long before the pressure causes Sebastian to crack? Dark fic, graphic content, angst, murder, non-con, trauma, slight Sebard and Sebaciel. Vague/open ending. (7 chapters)
Razor’s Edge – Black Swan AU. Modern setting. Ciel has finally landed the role as the Swan Queen. Sebastian, an award-winning dancer from England is to be Prince Siegfried. What could possibly go wrong? Nothing bonds two people in a blooming romance like covering up a murder. Stress is high on the duo as it is. A shadow from the past seems to follow Ciel. Sebastian may have signed himself up to be Ciel’s unofficial bodyguard as threats rise. Dark fic, open ended ending. (7 chapters)
In the Woods Somewhere – College AU with Bird!Bastian. Modern setting. Ciel Phantomhive has been murdered…or at least he would have been if he didn’t make a deal with a strange man from the forest. The man who becomes known as Sebastian finds himself trapped on the surface level. The fine print of Ciel’s contract has bound him for the entire ten years. Ciel is a sickly human that could benefit from someone like Sebastian, if he’s willing to be his student. Ciel is missing half a year’s worth of his memory and can’t recall who tried to murder him or why. Sebastian follows Ciel around campus and attempts to help solve his murder. Between classes Sebastian teaches Ciel a little magic. They visit the woods often for Sebastian to stretch his wings and Ciel to take nature photos. Ciel would have never guessed he’d fall for this strange, bird demon or that it would be reciprocated. Mystery, humor, magic, hurt/comfort, whump (Chapters TBD)
Break Your Halo – Angel/demon AU. Modern setting. After a church collapses three survivors are sent to the hospital. Two civilians are unconscious and in critical condition while the priest is awake. He demands to know if the basement is still intact because “it” must not be let out. Both civilians begin to heal impossibly fast and without their memory. They go by Ciel and Sebastian. They are put in a semi-private room and become friends. They start noticing some odd things and confide in one another. The doctors would think they’re crazy, they already think there’s something wrong with them. They were both at death’s door and overnight they’ve healed as if they’ve been there for months. Maybe they aren’t human, they need answers. Whump, smut (5 chapters)
Nymph – Canon divergent AU.Ciel sleeps with everyone except Sebastian and Sebastian is not having it, that’s it, that’s the fic. Adult Ciel being hit with all the urges he missed in his teens. Every chapter starts out with a frustrated Sebastian complaining in his journal. Yes, a demon keeping a journal is cracky. Some humor, but mostly smut. Ciel/Finny, Ciel/Bard, Ciel/Mey-Rin, Ciel/Soma/Agni, Ciel/Snake, Ciel/Undertaker, Ciel/Charles Grey, Ciel/Nina (8 chapters)
Phantom – Phantom of the Opera AU. Set in 1880s France. Sebastian finally debuts as the star the “angel” trained him to be. He has devoted his life to music and the voice he’d talk to in the dead of night. Sebastian is pleasantly surprised to find out his childhood love, Bard, is one of the opera house’s biggest patrons. Their reunion doesn’t go unnoticed. Sebastian is visited by his angel of music, and he is much more flesh and blood and possessive than Sebastian imagined. Soma is not taking being knocked down a peg well. The audience comes to see him and his darling Agni, not Sebastian. Soma won’t play nice, but what does he do to when he’s faced with the man behind the mirror? This opera ghost won’t go without a fight. Bard desperately wants to free Sebastian, yet Sebastian doesn’t want to be freed. Angst, smut, dark elements. Sebaciel and Sebard. Background Soma/Agni. (Chapters TBD)
Slice of the Scalpel – Nip/tuck AU. Modern setting. Brothers Sebastian and Claude run a plastic surgery practice. They have very different ideas of beauty, which helps build their clientele. Sebastian prefers to enhance natural beauty and balance what is already there. Claude prefers to alter and exaggerate things beyond clients’ wildest dreams. Receptionist and Sebastian’s boyfriend, Ciel, is eager to start his schooling to be an anesthetist. Angst, drama, smut, humor. (Chapters TBD)
I Like U for Your Brainz – izombie AU. Modern setting. A newly turned zombie, Sebastian, is a medical examiner working under Ciel’s leadership. Together they try to find a cure for zombies as well as solve murder cases with detective William T. Spears. Sebastian had to leave his old life behind him, give up his dream of being a surgeon, his fiancé Bard, even his sister he keeps at a distance. His extremely extroverted roommate, Soma, must work even harder to cheer him up. Sebastian would give anything to be human again or at least to have someone besides his boss to talk to about being a zombie. He couldn’t be the only one out there, right? Turns out there’s someone that’s making more zombies in the hopes of getting rich and another that is plain ignorant to the problem. Angst, humor, smut, gore, happy ending. Past Seb/Bard, Seb/Agni, Ciel/Soma, Seb/Ciel, Seb/Violet, Ciel/Violet, Agni/Soma, Bard/R!Ciel, Bard/Finny (Chapters TBD)
Star Boy – Actor AU. Modern setting. Actors Ciel and Sebastian are the celebrity couple everyone’s talking about. They are known for co-staring in action movies, their chemistry was unmatched even before they started dating. Their latest film calls for more stunts, more explosions and effects, it’s over the top. Like many actors, Ciel has a stunt double, Alois. Sebastian does as well, Claude. Alois loves performing stunts and he gets along well with Ciel. He gets his own limelight doing extreme sports off set. Claude isn’t as happy with the arrangement. Sebastian gets all the fans and praise, yet Claude is the one doing the hard work. Worst of all, Sebastian gets Ciel. Sebastian doesn’t deserve the life he has, Claude is sure of that. Angst, whump, crime, dark fic. (Chapters TBD)
Another Life – Modern setting reincarnation AU. Sebastian works at an antique shop, one day Ciel comes in to shop around, looking for something “old” to gift his cousin for her wedding day. Sebastian knows he’s never seen him in the shop before, yet he seems so familiar. Oddly enough Ciel is drawn back to visit Sebastian week after week, he is compelled to. There’s a tug on the red string of fate and neither can ignore it. (Chapters TBD)
A New Heart for Christmas – Modern setting. Ciel needs a heart transplant. It’s been years and he’s finally next on the list. He’s tired of keeping batteries charged for his artificial heart and worrying about people thinking he’s dead if he passes out and doesn’t have a pulse. The twins decide to do their annual birthday outing early this year, seeing as Ciel might be recovering still on their actual birthday. His new heart comes much sooner than he anticipated and with challenges he never imagined. Whump, sad, somewhat body horror?, angst. (3 chapters)
Nightshift – Modern setting. Five Nights at Freddy’s AU. Sebastian and Ciel have been hired as night security guards to a “new” pizza joint. Sebastian only moved to the town for college, but Ciel had lived there his whole life. He knew the establishment well. How dare they reopen after what they did to him and his family. Ciel searches for answers to what happened. He knows his brother had to be murdered, he wasn’t just abducted. Sebastian helps him investigate as the restaurant comes to life. With so much dark history it’s no wonder something lingers in the background. Time is running out as opening day nears. Horror, no smut, dark themes, happy ending. (6 chapters)
Free Love – Raver AU. Modern setting. Just a big party, not a lot of plot. A bunch of smut and ships. If house music was a fanfic, this is what you’d get. Seb/Ciel(/Bard), Ciel/Alois, Ciel/Soma, Ciel/Finny, Ciel/Violet, Ciel/Snake, Ciel/Sieglinde, Ciel/Agni, Seb/Agni, Seb/Violet, Violet/Alois, Finny/Snake, Lizzie/Sieglinde, Agni/Soma(/Snake), Violet/Snake/Sieglinde (Chapters TBD)
Phantom Occult – Supernatural AU/paranormal investigators, modern setting, on indefinite hiatus. The Phantomhives have been on the road most of their lives, taking out all the nasties that go bump in the night. Vincent and his twin sons have teamed up with a half demon named Sebastian and a witch, Sieglinde. Sebastian has very little memory of his past. He was found by Vincent and Cedric (Undertaker) on one of their hunts. In search of answers, Sebastian is trying to track down his demonic father. Sebastian has proven his loyalty to the Phantomhives time and time again. He will, as Vincent’s last request, ‘look after his boys.’ Following in their father and grandfather’s footsteps the twins take on cases involving the supernatural. Vincent Jr. has his work cut out for him with Ciel’s fragile health and Sebastian’s ever changing and out of control abilities. They may need to seek out a higher being to help them and save the world from damnation. (Chapters TBD)
Phoenix – A/b/o dynamics, FBI agent AU. Modern setting. Partners Ciel and Sebastian are given a case that has similarities to Ciel’s own capture from his childhood. It puts Ciel on edge, but he’s determined to solve it. Sebastian is not the playboy alpha everyone assumes he is, he’s in fact an omega. He’s been having horrible side effects from being on suppressants since his teens. He’s never even had a heat. For his own safety his doctor forces him off suppressants for at least a year. Ciel is hurt and confused to find out his partner for the last ten years lied to him about his dynamic. It’s not long before Sebastian is hit with his first heat. What is Ciel to do? Angst, smut (5 chapters)
Thought Contagion – Cyborg sci-fi AU. Future setting. Sebastian wakes up in the storage section of a lab. Half of his body has been transformed, he’s now a cyborg. He breaks through the facility and finds Ciel in the process of his brain being programed. Sebastian rescues him and they flee the factory. On the outside they discover the horrors of their government and what is being done to the citizens. They befriend rebels and try to take back control. (Chapters TBD)
T’hy’la – Star Trek AU. Future setting. Sci-fi. Captain Ciel Phantomhive and his half Vulcan second-in-command, Sebastian, explore space with their small crew. Slow burn sebaciel. (Chapters TBD)
Aquamarine – Merman Ciel AU. Modern setting. Sebastian whump, Ciel takes care of him. Crime, magic, and smut. (4 chapters)
Voltron:
Atlas Ocean Rescue – Merman Shiro AU. Modern setting. Keith works as a marine life vet at a rehabilitation clinic. He saves merman Shiro and develops a crush on him. Cute friendships, humor, healing, growth, a dash of smut and gore/whump. Slight angst with happy ending. (9 chapters)
Empire – Royalty AU. Set on Altea, not Earth. Shklance with trans Lance and cis Keith. Love triangles, magic, betrayals, war, planets coming together, and a healthy dose of smut. Ends with a wedding. (8 chapters)
Affinity – Modern setting. Shiro hasn’t adjusted well since his new diagnosis, so he joins a support group recommended by his doctor. Keith has been going to group reluctantly for years. His seizures are somewhat under control. He has the company of his service dog, Kosmo, but he’s otherwise alone. Both of their lives are turning out far different than they ever envisioned. Will they give love a chance? Slow burn. Cis Keith. (9 chapters)
The Eighth House – Modern setting. Werewolf Shiro and vampire Keith AU. Shiro is a newly turned werewolf and Keith volunteers to help him. Keith was turned into a vampire in the 80’s. Keith’s best friend, Lance, is also a vampire. They hang out at a supernatural bar that’s run by ex-hunters. Lots of blood and some smut. (8 chapters)
Zombie – Zombie apocalypse AU. Modern setting. After Shiro is labeled as a burden, him and Keith are kicked out from their community. Keith must take care of Shiro and find a new shelter or community for them to join. They find one run by a sadistic creep that was a cult leader pre-apocalypse. It’s not ideal, but where else can they turn? Keith plots to overthrow the tyrant as soon as he can, for everyone’s sake. Angst, whump, gore, smut, dark elements, happy ending. (5 chapters)
As Many Times as It Takes – Canon divergent AU. Keith goes feral and must be confined for everyone’s safety. The team works to find an antidote for Keith. Shiro tries to get his husband to remember their life together as well as remind him how to be human. Hurt/comfort. (3 chapters.)
Euphoria – A/b/o AU. Modern setting. Keith Is a hopeless afab alpha that seems to want the impossible. He’s not attracted to the stereotypical omega and his last relationship with another alpha left him with literal scars. He decides to try out a match service that’s prided itself on hard to match cases. Shiro is tired of being rejected and his body is telling him he desperately needs a mate. It doesn’t matter that he is no longer fertile, his omega body didn’t get the memo. With irregular and intense heats, infertility, being a large omega, and a list of ‘flaws’ a mile long Shiro has been the one unmatched client the service can’t seem to help. Owners Allura and Lance have become family to him and are personally invested in finding a mate for him. Keith and Shiro could be perfect for each other if only they allow themselves to be happy. (6 chapters.)
Club Atlas – Scent club a/b/o AU. Modern setting. A new alpha, Shiro, arrives at a scent club under recommendation by his therapist. Following a serious accident Shiro lost his sense of smell. When it eventually came back everything was overwhelming. He could barely handle his own scent and couldn’t leave his house. His anxiety and trauma have caused his life to spiral out of his control. A scent club is the perfect place to go to for exposure therapy. Omega scents are naturally calming to an alpha, booths are well sealed and private, and clubs take care to thoroughly remove scents of previous clients between rounds. Shiro meets Lance and Keith, two of the omegas that work at the club. They interview him and add him to their client list. Lance is always enthusiastic about his job, he loves it. Keith on the other hand isn’t too fond of the job or being an omega. But there’s something about this client that he likes. Maybe he can make a real difference in someone’s life. Angst, a lot of smut, brief klance. (5 chapters.)
Compliance – Kidnapped AU. Modern setting. Shiro is held captive by his long-lost twin brother Ryou. After going into the adoption system as infants, they were split up. Shiro wasn’t aware he had a twin until he was staring him in the face. Apparently, Ryou had been keeping tabs on him from afar for over a year. He happened to access Shiro’s patient file and felt he could do a better job taking care of Shiro than his current doctors were. Ryou only wants the best for his brother and that means he can’t leave his sight. Still, he does have to work, and being confined he knows Shiro is bound to get lonely. Ryou decides he should get a boyfriend for Shiro, and he found the perfect one. Keith has been recently released from the psych ward. He had no family or friends. He was fired from his job and probably couldn’t even pay for his hospital bill or antidepressants he clearly needed. They could keep each other company. Their living quarters would be cozy, the basement wasn’t tiny by any means…but two people trapped on the same floor, they’d have to share. Ryou wasn’t a monster, the basement was nicer than any apartment that either could afford. The chains were temporary, an exercise of trust if you will. They’ve had yet to earn his. Dark fic OBVIOUSLY (Chapters TBD)
Strength in Gentleness – Shiatsu massage therapist & Reiki master Shiro/autistic Keith. Modern setting. Keith often hangs out at his mom’s work. Recently her and Kolivan’s business has moved location and joined with Allura’s salon. They also hired a new bodyworker that Keith develops a crush on. Fluffy, slice of life, hurt/comfort, humor. Music heavy, I kid you not, every chapter will have a playlist. Lots of cute Krolia and Keith moments. Giving all “The Blades” a happy lifetime. Probably the fluffiest thing I’ll ever write. It won’t be 100% free of trauma, but Shiro has healed and Keith and Krolia have processed their grief. Anxiety and meltdowns can get a bit intense. (Chapters TBD)
The Ring – Boxer Shiro/body worker-therapist Keith. Modern setting. Cute and smutty. Slight whump cause boxing injuries. (Chapters TBD)
Galaxy University – College AU, teacher Shiro/student Keith. Modern setting. Angst. (Chapters TBD)
Vanitas no carte:
I Trust you to Kill Me – Canon divergent AU. Vanitas turns into a vampire. All he knows is his craving for blood has taken over his life. He’s not a curse bearer but he fears he might as well be. Worse yet, he can no longer assist Jeanne, he tries to obtain a solution that works for them both. Noé confesses his feelings and tries to keep Vanitas alive. Angst, whump, smut, romance. Vanoe, possible vanijeanne (Chapters TBD)
#cielpansyhive#some of these might sound familiar from 2018/2019#some I haven't talked about before#I make notation of cis Keith cause 98% of the time I write him as trans#though not stated in the summaries BB ITWS and Another Life Ciel are all trans#Another Life Sebastian is nonbinary#Free Love has multiple trans and nonbinary characters#not all themes and warnings are tagged as this is just a general idea list#adult Ciel Phantomhive#sebaciel#sheith
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If it's ok for me to ask on your personal, which version of Dal do you think has the longest journey/arc as a character?
It's totally fine! I don't mind :)
It's gotta be Dalamus Rex, his original TES self. He's been through so much, not just backstory-wise, but also in the RPs and short stories I've written on his blog. He's the version I've written the longest (it's been 12 years, isn't that wild??) even if writing has slowed down significantly over the past few years, and especially with my interest in writing his BG3 version.
His life has been a veritable roller-coaster of emotion.
He started out life in a bad home to a terrible father and a mother who tried her best despite it all.
He escaped and made his way to Skyrim, having learned to only look out for himself, jaded and angry.
He gets sick, and has to rely on someone to take care of him, falls in love, plans a life with her, starts to mellow out as he lives with her.
At her behest, he tries to help mercenaries clear a vampire den, but gets knocked out and unknowingly infected, himself. No good deed goes unpunished.
The vampirism wakes him and he kills his to-be fiance. This shatters him quite thoroughly. This is the first person he has loved, and he's killed her.
He goes into hiding and vacillates violently between being guilt-ridden, feeling like a monster, and being drunk with power, determined to be the monster people see him as.
Multiple times he has almost been killed by vampire hunters.
This goes on for several decades until he starts to even out and reach a relative equilibrium that allows him to infiltrate towns seamlessly and choose his targets that way, be it for thievery or blood.
This is where his blog comes in!
He starts talking to people, initially to lure them to be his dinner, to manipulate them, but inadvertently begins bonding with people instead. This is a terrifying liability.
A few people catch him doing Vampire Things and yet are forgiving (either out of fear or curiosity). He isn't sure what to do with that.
He starts making friends, people he sees regularly who care about him and his health and safety and happiness. It has been a long, long time since he's had that. They even give him gifts? It's incredibly overwhelming.
He accidentally finds a father figure who attempts to be the father that Dalamus' father never was, mending wounds with patience and understanding, firmness without cruelty.
He makes friends with people he would have never thought he'd connect with--dragonborns, other vampires, bandits, werebeasts, even vampire hunters who know he's a vampire.
He falls in love again, gets married, has a child, gets an actual job to support his family (if the Thieves Guild is considered an Actual Job lmaoo, but he occasionally does mercenary/bodyguard work, too. He's just picky about it. To be fair, his wife's job was Assassin, so). Raises a daughter!
He fucks it up. Old habits rear their head and he forgets to communicate with his wife to figure out boundaries, and ultimately damages her trust beyond repair, testing the strength of her forgiveness until it snapped. Even his daughter leaves, hurt by some of his behavior.
This shatters him once more, he falls into a deep depression, and it takes all of his friends and found family to keep him afloat until he can get back on his feet again. He even goes to the temple of Mara to try to ease his guilt and worry, despite not being particularly religious.
He starts learning new skills, like cooking, despite being unable to eat most foods, himself. It is something he can provide for others. He starts reading Teachings of Mara in an attempt to better himself, learn to be more sympathetic and empathetic, more open-minded, more willing to accept when he is wrong and when he has hurt others.
He reconnects with his daughter, and finally stops feeling like his world is ending.
He connects with an Agent of Mara, who has been a stalwart and resilient friend throughout Dal's marriage troubles, and they begin courting. They are now partners, and their relationship is healthy
Amidst all this, in no particular order (I'm terrible at timelines and chronology), he's also had to deal with:
moral differences between him and his friends/family, trying to figure out how much of him can change before he loses who he is, and the cost/benefit of it all
mixed feelings about his vampirism, whether it makes him a danger to his friends, or allows him to protect his friends better
having his vampirism suddenly taken away via magic, and dealing with the terrifying reality of being mortal, having had all his senses and skills changed. and then--having it suddenly returned after he was getting used to being mortal.
hurting his friends, emotionally and sometimes physically, because of his temper, and seeing whether or not he can repair those relationships and improve himself
the reality that many of his friends are mortal, and the risks that come with that--example: he's had his best friends nearly killed in a werebear attack, and one of them became a werebear himself
people coming to him for advice and him realizing that he actually has experience worth sharing to help others
trying to be a reliable friend, good boyfriend, and good father
realizing the one who turned him into a vampire did so on purpose to toy with him. Dal eventually managed to kill his Sire
As a newly turned vampire, he was once subjected to cruel experimentation by necromancers, a large factor in why he fears magic with such intensity
realizing that the world, in general, is not black-and-white, and most people are in the grey area, everyone is complicated, and you just have to take it a day at a time to figure out if someone is trustworthy--I mean if a vampire hunter can be close friends with him as a vampire, then surely anything is possible.
he has battled a werewolf, Vigilants of Stendarr, a Vampire Lord, a Troll, his Sire as previously mentioned (not all at once of course)
still struggles with trauma given to him by his biological father and the sometimes self-destructive behavior that comes with it
being a good person is not something you Just Are, it's what you Do, and requires effort. It's a lot of work but is often worth it. Being mean and evil is simpler, but comes at a great cost
Despite all the pain he has endured, he is happy with his life as it is right now. Nothing is perfect, but he is surrounded by loved ones he never thought he would have, and at one point, never thought he deserved. But, thankfully, it's not up to him. Get loved, idiot!
He's definitely gone through the most trials and tribulations of all his versions, the benefit of being the Original, I suppose! And the oldest! TES Dal is 250, as is Modern Dal. BG3 Dal is 200. FFXIV Dal is only about 30ish, having a human-comparable lifespan.
Dal's FFXIV and Modern selves are more tempered. While tragedy and a cycle of violence is often a theme in all of his verses, they turned out slightly different.
FFXIV Dal, for instance, had a happy, healthy family until the Seventh Umbral Calamity forced him away from home to seek a solution to the changes that Dalamud caused in his tribe. This version of Dal probably seems like an odd one out, because he didn't have to deal with the angst of vampirism nor an abusive home.
Modern Dal, while he is a vampire like his TES self, chose the vampirism on purpose, as a means to get revenge on his cruel father and save his mother from the household. Unlike his TES self, he got to save his mother and live with her for the rest of her natural life, tempering his rage and aggression and allowing him to heal sooner.
BG3 Dal is not a vampire, but is a Lolthite drow born in Menzoberranzan, where he is brought up under those twisted and cruel practices demanded by the Spider Queen. His is a story of trauma and conditioning, but he is too close to the problem to even see it--until he is exiled and forced to work with Surface Dwellers, and starts to see how the rest of the world functions. Let's just say it's Culture Shock to the extreme lmao.
I have a feeling BG3 Dal's journey will be just as fraught with peaks and valleys of emotional realizations and healing of trauma as TES Dal's was. I sure hope so :3
#ask#Anonymous#idk if a timeline of events was exactly what you wanted but I was more than happy to provide it either way xD#my oc#dalamus rex#missy rambles#missy writing#long post
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I attempted a circus elephant. Didn't quite turn out like I wanted but alls good.
I had a horrible headache since Thursday evening and its finally given way this late morning. I was over it but once it wore off I was able to do a lot of stuff. The weather was great today. I walked outside in a skirt and I was actually warm. Just a couple days ago I was layering up still. I don't think the weather will last. Last year there was a snow storm around this time of year so I'm sure its false spring. I think I do get a bit of seasonal depression. I like cozy cold of Thanksgiving and Christmas but once the holidays are gone I was hot weather now.
I purchased a jean jacket which I've never had before that I can ever remember and I purchased a couple base layer summer dresses to layer with it. I hope they don't look dumb is all. I'm ready for farmers markets and brunch and sitting outside in the warm weather.
I did a lot of backyard work. I mean I guess it looks better but Im no landscaper. I think my neighbors were looking at me weird as I was mowing the lawn. All the grass is flattened and dead and its possible its not even grass but just a web of weeds. But I was using the mower as a leaf vacuum to try and pick up all the leaves rather than rake them. I did rake a good 10 bags of leaves but I don't have enough room in my dumpster. There was also a dead bird D: I had to pick it up. Probably gonna be bugs everywhere soon. I honestly think tomorrow Im just going to buy a ton of soil and grass seen and cover the entire yard. Im aware Im moving this year but I cannot let the sticker/goathead get out of control like it was when we moved in. My dog needs the back yard.
I have some weird work drama too. I always wanna talk about it but Im afraid of privacy issues. My boss bought us sub sandwiches for lunch a few days ago and I ended up being forced to take them all home. Ive been eating cold cut subs for the past 3 days (maybe thats why I have a headache). I gave some to the gate guards and my dog walkers family. Still had a bunch remaining. My dog walker is moving too btw in a couple months T_T my husband should be back by then but still. She said she has a replacement for me if I need it.
I've also posted this everywhere bragging on my spouse. He really did call me several weeks ago like "uhhh can you show me your Lion King collection I think I made a mistake" he knows I like TLK products and collect them but he's as clueless about my collection as I am if he asked me to buy him a gun. Like Idk what to buy. I guess its a little different because I own..a lot...and none of it is on display because we've moved so much the past couple years. So I had to take him into my closet and show him my breakables based on the boxes. I knew he found something online. I just wasnt sure which one it was.
Ive briefly scoured the internet for some sort of TLK 30th anniversary anything and havent found much. So this was a surprise to me. I would have found it eventually (and probably real soon) so he's lucky he got it to me. It was a very nice gift. It looks beautiful on my computer desk. I wish I had some of my other figures out but they'd just have to go in boxes again in a few months. One of these days I'll get a display case.
#illustration#sketchbook#watercolors#sketch#drawing#realmedia#traditionalart#mixedmedia#artblog#animalart#thelionking#disneymerch#thelionking30thanniversary#elephantart#disneyinspired
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Screaming (gently) Into The Void Post:
Goodness, I really don't even know where to begin. This last 14 months has been a wild ride for me, as some of you who have followed me for a long time will already know. I never expected any of what has happened to happen, but I have to say that overall I'm really grateful for the opportunity for growth.
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When I left home last September, I was more or less a shambling mess of a human being. I was apathetic, cold, and depressed. I've been bouncing from place to place for my work for the better part of three years now, and it caused my issues to intensify, to the point that in November of 2020 my wife had to drive me to a psychiatric hospital to avert a suicide attempt. It wasn't my most shining moment, but it's the truth. I was prideful at the time, foolishly thinking I could handle what I was going through on my own, and refused continued care. I made excuses of being too busy and yada yada yada, but the truth is I was too scared to face my past.
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I left a few more times between then and September 2021, and I just completely shut down by the time I got to where I am now. After about a month of being here, I knew I couldn't handle it on my own anymore; this job has too many stressors, too many triggers, too much death and pain. I finally went after help. I started therapy and I was so good at it that one of my two therapists said I should go three times a week for a while! Jokes aside, I needed it. Things started to change in me. I started picking up old passions. I felt like I could start to breathe again.
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I became tremendously better at communicating with my wife and our relationship for the first time in a couple of years, really felt like it was going well, despite the distance. But the weight of sin is heavy, and you will always reap what you sow in the end. She expressed to me she needed to explore options outside of our relationship, it hurt, but I understood and gave her the green light to do so; we separated. I'm thousands of miles away and she had no evidence that my changes would be lasting on my return. I can't blame her; she put everything into us for three years while I was so broken and ungiving. My life and traumas had simply finally caught up to me, and the timing was awful; my refusal to do anything about it was worse.
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Things got pretty dark for me again, and my therapist suggested that I find an outlet to express my emotions, so for the first time since I was in high school I started writing poetry. I really didn't know what to do with it, to be honest, but I wanted someone to see it, to try and connect with people. Once again she came in clutch for me and suggested starting a anon blog, and here we are.
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You have all shown me so much love and support as I've been going through this journey of healing and self-discovery, re(dis)covery. I finally feel like I'm me again, something I don't remember how long it's been since I could say. You've messaged me encouraging words; a couple of you have even become some of my closest friends. You've been there for me in lonely and dark moments to lift me up and I just wanted to take a moment to thank each and every one of you from the absolute rock bottom of my heart.
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I start traveling in the next day or so, and I'll be back home in a couple of weeks. I mean, this truly, it's because of you wonderful people that I made it this far; it's because of you that I'm not scared to keep pushing forward. Despite the fact that I'm about to lose contact with my therapist and I'll have to start over with a new one. Despite that, at this point, my marriage is all but over. It's you lovely and beautiful souls that give me some hope, and let me know that
I am not alone.
and hey, neither are you.
BL
#i am not alone#you are not alone#thank you all for how much you support me and lift me up every day#I love you guys.#screaming into the void
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Things just don't feel right and I feel empty. I'm confused and lost and I just want to sleep.
I consulted with my psychiatrist today and there was a lot of things I unpacked today so I'm drained and kind of moody. She told me feeling empty is a sign of depression, but because I recently finished with my exams and studying for something so major, that is a likely reason why I feel empty, too. Even with everything I've accomplished, I still feel empty. But I'll give it a few more weeks to see if it's not something related to depression. I feel like I'm missing something even though I have everything. I just want to jump in a pool and swim.
She also chewed me out for being judgemental towards one of my friends. I didn't realize I was judging her, but I'm glad she pointed it out. Still, i got everything out and admitted I felt guilty for passing my exam when my friend hasn't been able to pass it. I cant let myself celebrate my own achievement because I think of her, and I don't WANT to think of her. I'm so TIRED.
I also talked about my relationship with God and things I'm scared to admit even to Him. Something that's been bothering me so much about the church and what they preach is when they talk about the LGBTQ+ community, one lady is always speaking as if it's so scandalous. The pastor says he loves them, but they will not be saved by God if they don't regret their sins (their sins refer to their lifestyle). And I've been thinking about this for a while. I've even attempted to talk about it with God. But i can't bring myself to regret identifying as bisexual. That's just part of who I am. I can't take that part out of me. I have a relationship with God and I dedicate time to Him and I do what I can to honor him. The church doesn't understand that. They don't understand this community. I'm so drained from even thinking about it. It took my mom a long time to be supportive of me, and even then she really wasn't truly supportive. So now, she makes backhanded comments disguised as homophobia and I just ignore her and the church because I can't be bothered to even care anymore. I spent years being depressed over this subject because of the catholic church so I refuse to be depressed over this same subject because of the baptist church. They can keep their judgement and hypocrisy.
Finally, I'm just tired because I'm finally getting over the insurance agent that asked me to dinner the other day. I didn't change agents because my mom convinced me not to. She told me to grow up and to keep being his client because he is good at his job. And okay? They just want to keep him because they want him as an agent. I just don't want to talk to him. I've asked him questions regarding the insurance, but nothing past that. My dad constantly needs help with his insurance, though, and I'm helping him translate the insurance letters so he can read them to the agent. But I made it very clear I do not want to speak to him. I do not want to talk to him. My parents have to respect at least that, seeing as they didn't let me change agents. I just wish my dad could do things for himself.
Addition: my parents have toned it down on the arguing, but they still have smallish spats.
#so if i start to feel depressed again then i get a higher dose on my happy pills?#does that mean the pills reach a tolerance level?#bc ive just been low for a while and i want to cry okay#fran talks#idk what to think#nothing makes sense and i want for these people to leave me alone 😭#but i live with them and i don't want to be a jerk or think this way bc i feel like garbage
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Tw domestic abuse, sexual assault, suicide, self harm and eating disorder mentions (those last two not in detail, just mentioned)
Nickname: turquoise
Looking for advice, either on how to get out or just come to terms with this being the rest of my life, either way.
So I have a situation kind of similar to this ask posted just now.
https://www.tumblr.com/traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors/712807834009665536/tw-romantic-partner-violence-hey-so-ive-known
I've been with my wife for seven years now. A lot of her issues come from childhood trauma, but it's just...been wearing me down lately. Nearly from the start there were emotional issues between us, and physical violence and one sexual assault within the first six months (she said I agreed to let her do stuff while I was asleep but I don't remember that, and either way she didn't stop when I asked her to). I'm honestly not sure why I stayed but that's neither here nor there. Maybe I kept thinking it would get better but it didn't and at a lot of points I was genuinely scared for my safety, especially since the one time I did try to leave she found me in under a day and the friend I'd run away to decided I should go back home with her since, in her words 'well, you are kind of a bitch'. Anyway, there would be times when things got better but they'd always get bad again. We're in one of the better periods, though recently there's still been a lot of emotional stuff, some minor physical stuff (only small bruises and no lingering pain) and two sexual assaults last week. Still, things have definitely tapered off from a couple years ago, and she has been putting in more effort to be nicer, so if nothing else it's been a while since I've been balled up on the floor trying to be a small target so that's something. Still, as much as I should be happy about that I just...honestly I feel like shit a lot of the time, and I can't seem to stop being on edge no matter what happens, even though she gets mad at me whenever she notices that.
Also over the past two years she's developed significant anxiety, to the point where even after being on meds and in therapy for over a year she says she can't work.. We have no income now and I have a lot of my own mental difficulties that have made jobs difficult for me for most of my life (not self dxing, but likely autism and ADHD and a PD that have never been treated, along with a lot of past trauma from her and people before her, that's she's sometimes triggered on purpose or been dismissive of, though she is trying to stop that), but more difficult since I met her, especially since I've spent the past year at least in one of the worst depressive episodes I've had in my life, with my self harm and eating disorder getting worse again (both of which she knows about and does not respond well to at all), to the point that I'm pretty much always passively suicidal and have attempted a few times. At the very least I'm out of the bout of drinking I dealt with for a few months. I'm not outlining this to make anyone feel bad for me, just to point out that a full time work week, especially in the kinds of fast paced, people centric jobs I could reasonably get, would be very difficult for me to handle at this point. I've asked her if we could both work part time, since I thought a few days a week for each of us would be easier to handle, and at first she said yes but now she's flat out refusing, saying that since she supported us for a while she deserves a long break too, completely glossing over how often she hit me during that time and how generally shit she made me feel every day, or the fact that the abuse didn't stop when I went back to work, or that the circumstances that led to it being best for only her to work in that time were out of our control.
Basically, I want to leave. Ideally I'd just leave her, but she says she can't survive without my support, and that she'll kill herself if I actually go. I don't know if that's true or not but I don't want to find out the hard way, but I also know I can't handle both working full time and taking care of her full time (she refuses to do anything at home or to manage and organize our lives either, sometimes to the point of yanking me out of bed after only a few hours of sleep to make her food even though she is able to cook, arguably better than me).
Im basically never happy, and I want to leave but I can't, not with the way she is mentally now, not with what she might do, especially since the only person I know she could go to is her mother, who wouldn't be accepting of her being trans which isn't something I want to put her through. I've been thinking of asking a friend or relative of mine (what few I have left after she isolated me for so long, since I can't drive and for years she's been in charge of if I leave the house or not, which she rarely lets me do), to let me stay with them during the work week, since it would be easier to find and keep a job that way. I'd have limited contact with my wife, only seeing her on the weekends and preferably not talking much during the week, but still with me supporting both of us.
I don't know if she'd go for this, or even how to ask, but I know I can't handle dealing with both work and her and my own issues at the same time. I've tried to say this a bit and she's said I'm just being whiny and lazy, so I just don't know what to do or how to fully broach the subject, but I'm just so scared for the future between us in general.
I'm sorry this was a long post my thoughts are just not organized sometimes. Thank you for everything you do.
Amendment from turquoise. Abuse mention.
I just really wanted to clarify that I don't want anything I said about my wife to be attributed to the fact that she's trans. I don't think any of the mods of this blog would do that, but I just worry that others would, or that it came across as me saying her abuse and her gender are somehow connected but I swear I don't think they are and if anything came across that way I never meant for it to. I know most trans people don't hurt others (not to mention I'm trans myself but that just didn't seem relevant, still not sure if it is here)
Basically I just hope I didn't paint an entire group in a bad light and I really didn't mean to if I did sorry I was just worried about that.
Hi turquoise,
I'm so sorry about what's been going on. Also, I wouldn't worry about potentially coming off as transphobic, I don't get that vibe at all and I see what you mean to say quite clearly.
Just because the abuse has been tapering off doesn't mean you should tolerate it. Being assaulted violates your boundaries, and it's important to respect and assert them. Just because it's tapering off doesn't mean you're supposed to be happy in this relationship. It makes absolute sense why you still feel like shit. You're on edge because you may have developed trauma responses and you're around someone who your brain has been conditioned to perceive as a threat.
Emotional availability is essential for the longevity of a relationship. For your partner to not be there for you or respond well to depressive episodes or even suicidal thoughts is definitely a problem. I feel like if she truly cared about you she would make a better effort to be there for you, especially when you're contemplating suicide.
It sounds like your partner is refusing to share the responsibility of any productive or reproductive labor, which puts unnecessary stress on you. Just because she's been working doesn't mean you have to do everything. Most people just continue working without breaks, you know? So how is it fair for her to refuse to work when that means no income? It would make more sense if she was overwhelmed with burdens, but she really has pushed virtually every responsibility of hers onto you and is expecting you to be absolutely fine with that.
It seems like you've tried communicating with her but she's given you a hard time. If it is safe to do so, it may be helpful to simply assert a boundary such as "I feel x when you do y. If you continue to treat me this way, this isn't going to work." Just letting her know where things stand may be helpful in terms of communication, but if this would be unsafe to do, then it may be best to simply leave without warning.
Like I said in the other ask, if she is going to choose to mistreat you then it is your right to leave if necessary. It's a hard decision though of course, because you don't want her to go back to her abusers, but really, that's not your problem. If you need to leave then you need to leave, where she goes is not really for you to worry about. It's important to assert your boundaries and put your foot down when you've had enough, even if it doesn't benefit everyone.
Abusers often block the exit in various ways, and that can include threatening suicide. Please know that it is manipulative for someone to blame suicide or self harm on someone else. It is your right to leave when you want or need to. Your partner's actions are her responsibility alone. Breaking up does not hold you liable to what your partner chooses to do as a result.
If anyone else has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.
-Bun
#mod bun#trauma talks#tw abuse#tw sa#tw r#tw emotional abuse#tw self harm#tw sui#turquoise#trauma details
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Orange
Before I write anything, I would like to put a Trigger Warning to anyone who might read this. This post may tackle about depression, suicide, death, and mental health. Please read at your own risk.
I watched this anime titled Orange. It's been on my list for a long time, but I always watch a different show. But now, I've watched it. And, damn, I'm not very okay after. Not in a bad way, but due to the heavy topic in the anime, I was crying every episode and now, my eyes are still hurting. And I thought, I need to post and write this ASAP so I can release some of the burden I got watching it.
Orange was about 6 friends in highschool who buried a timecapsule that they would read after 10 years. 6 letters, only 5 were able to read their own letter. They lost one of them in an accident, or so they thought that it was an accident. SPOILERS up ahead. I won't hold back because this is for me as well.
Naho received a weird letter from herself from the future. She read a few of it that seems to match to what us currently happening. There is a new student, Kakeru. Naho, Suwa, Azusa, Takako and Hagita befriended the new student, Kakeru. They became close, and all of what's written on the letter from the future seems to be happening. Naho is relying on the letters so much that she forgets to ask her friends for help. Until, one of them, Suwa, revealed that he also got a letter from the future. Turns out, all 5 of them got a letter. All letters were talking about on how to save Kakeru. Kakeru, even though he smiles a lot and enjoys the company of the 5, deep inside, he's in deep trouble. Due to the trauma he has after he lost his mother. His mother was having mental problems and Kakeru blames himself on why his mother decided to end her life.
The current time setting, Kakeru was no longer with them. 10 years after they lost Kakeru, they all thought it was an accident. But they read Kakeru's time capsule letter to find out that it may not have been an accident. They went to Kakeru's home and found out that it wasn't indeed an accident. Kakeru did ended his life as well. This is why they attempted to write for their past selves. No guarantees that it will arrive but they still did. They all wanted to save Kakeru, a precious friend. These 5 have too much regret about Kakeru that they were willing to do anything to make sure Kakeru will be happy if given a chance.
Alright I have to stop, I'm crying again. But if you will watch this anime, I have to rate this a 9/10. It really gave me a roller coaster of emotions. I was crying when they are sad, I was crying when they're happy. I felt every emotion they had. On a personal note, I felt I may have been like Kakeru at some point, as to why I feel I am so affected by this. I love also how they treat each other so well and how they love each other. Suwa was even willing to sacrifice his love for Naho just to make sure Kakeru and even Naho will be happy. Everyone was so selfless that they made sure that they wanted Kakeru happy in this world. Hagita, Takako and Azusa was always there too to make sure Kakeru will be happy in this world. The way the 4 of them supports Naho and Kakeru will be the best thing they can give. I just have to add, these people are the kind of friends that deserves to be treasured. Thinking about the world where they didn't know about losing Kakeru, they already treasured Kakeru up until their future, and in the world where they were trying to save Kakeru, you will see how much Kakeru mean to them that they made sure he will be happy and taken care of.
Always talk to your friends. Don't be pushy at all times, you can say something to them at one point, but not always. Make sure they feel you and your sincerity towards each other. You don't need to be physically always there, but make sure they know that you will be there. It's also good to breakdown once in a while. ~Yes I'm about to breakdown in tears anytime~ Regret will always be here, so we need to make sure everything counts.
Ahjumma
P.S. I can't even talk about the romance much because I was really focused on the topic about saving Kakeru. But there is a romance involved in Naho and Kakeru. These two are cute and a bit frustrating but still, it was good. This is the only anime that made me cry every episode. The top on my list that made me cry episode will always be One Litre of Tears.
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Okay, I'mma ask... Edgeberry (my beloved ♥) with the prompt exes! In which Edge and Blue used to date but broke up (up to you as to why). Only if you're still accepting those, of course!! ♥♥♥ (I might come up with a few more if you want!)
((Bro, I started this list within the ask rather than a word document, hoping that would solve the formatting issues I've been having and now it's not letting me add anything without the bullet lmao... ))
EDGEBERRY Angst with a happy ending!
These are going from headcanons to drabbles real quick... I need to reign that in or I'm never going to get these done haha. Still, this was fun. :)
--
They broke up two years ago and for two years they had not seen each other.
The whole reason for the break up was Edge's inability to soften his heart.
As much and as deeply as he loved Blue, the relationship was one-sided in most aspects.
Edge wants control. Wants Blue to be soft with him and only him.
But not too soft!!
They are both incredibly loyal. Neither would cheat or even think about it, no matter who they were dating.
Blue is a very tactile, caring person and he desperately loves to show it. He's deeply loving.
Edge just couldn't let him in, in that way. His heart is far too guarded. Even kisses and softness have a limit because Edge believes that not only does he not deserve such kindness but....
Accepting it would make him weak. Reciprocating would make him desperate. Pathetic.
In the end, Blue broke up with him. He needs more softness in his life. The harsh reality of Edge's life was too much for him and Edge refused therapy. Was repulsed by the concept of compromise.
Red can't understand how Blue could end things, when Edge and Blue's relationship had been so good otherwise. Similar interests (cooking and fitness and cats and walks on quiet forest paths), similar passion, similar energies, and an intense love for each other.
Despite how cordial their relationship had been, Red turns venomous when Blue breaks up with his brother.
Red hates seeing how much pain Edge is in and yes, he is in immense pain, even if he struggles showing it. And having similar trauma as Edge, he has problems processing all emotions, good and bad, into coherent thoughts and words.
All in all, things ended poorly, despite Blue's best attempts at keeping things calm.
In the two years since then, they hadn't spoken once. Blue blocked both the brothers on everything.
It had felt like his life had ended and he was forced to start completely over.
His tired oaf of a brother was little help with his, as he was bad with words and words of love were exactly what Blue had needed in that moment.
Despite sort of berating Edge for refusing to get therapy... Blue refuses to get therapy. He discovers that it's easier to pretend it doesn't effect him, how much his soul aches...
How much he regrets the break up and knows he can never go back.
He is absolutely certain Red would kill him for trying. Or at least tell his brother to run. To not bother trusting Blue ever again.
So Blue just avoids them at all costs and chokes down his depression with fake smiles and over working himself.
Despite all of this, a little over two years after their break up, Blue runs into the brothers on the sidewalk of a random city street. The busy roads seem to melt away and all Blue feels is a painful emptiness.
Blue noticed Red first, before Edge turns the street corner into view. They make eye contact and Red, awkward as ever, pulls his hood closer around his face and stares at the ground as he is quick to walk by.
If he notices his brother isn't following him, he doesn't show it. Continuing to walk on despite lacking the towering Edge stomping behind him.
When Blue turns back around his soul sinks in his chest. Edge isn't running past him or cursing him or throwing any heart-wrenching insults at him. He's just staring him down.
Blue finds it hard to breathe, staring up at the man who cheekbones he would pepper with kisses while he slept, because he couldn't do it any other time. The man who he would spend hours admiring from the sidelines at his work, or as they worked out, or did anything together. Edge was so incredibly talented at so many things and Blue had been so proud-
Until he fucked it all up.
Because he wanted the perfect relationship.
And now he had none. Because he felt unworthy of another persons trust and....
He couldn't fool himself, there was only one person he could be happy with.
A person who stood still as a mountain in front of him.
Despite the sharpness of his face, Blue could read his expressions perfectly still. Edge was sad.
It made Blue want to cry - but historically, Edge would only see crying as an attempt at manipulating him and always completely disingenuous.
It made Blue want to fall to his knees and beg for him to come back, that he'd do anything and be any sort of person if he would just... come back....
But Edge wasn't fond of begging either and Blue was sure if he begged, the emotions he had been swallowing for the past two years would flood his bones - his soul - and he'd end up sobbing and unable to speak anyway.
As he's sitting contemplating all the things he wants to do, but cannot, Edge sighs a large sigh and looks away from Blue to the path that Red had taken behind Blue.
Blue is certain that Red hadn't stopped, or he would have been hurling insults and demanding that his brother follow him, by now.
For one scary second, Blue thinks that Edge is just going to walk on by him, as though his soul isn't bleeding between them.
Edge speaks up, voice softer than Blue had ever heard it with a simple 'I'm in therapy now.'
Blue is shocked out of his stupor and can't stop himself from lurching forward into Edge's arms. He wraps himself around Edge's large ribcage and buries himself into the front of his scarf as he softly cried.
Edge slowly puts his arms around Blue, then squeezes him tight, so tight that Blue almost can't breathe again, but neither of them are willing to break away.
Blue looks up at him, watery eyes and all and realizes that Edge has a small tear of his own that has already made its way to his chin.
Suddenly, Blue feels very childish for grabbing at Edge, but now he couldn't let go if he wanted to. "I still love you. I'm sorry... I'm so sorry......"
Edge's breathing hitches and he sounds shocked when he replies again "Is this... do you want... Can we try again? I swear I can be better... I've worked hard on myself, with the hope of bringing you back... is this... I can do whatever..."
Blue stops him from rambling by unwrapping his arms and pulling Edge down by his scarf into a kiss, which is returned with such vigor that Blue's soul feels as though it wants to burst out of his chest.
When they're done Blue feels like he's in a daze, elated but terrified of his own feelings... Could this be real and even if it was, could they possibly make it work again?
Edge just seems elated, holding tight to Blue, afraid to let him go again.
Edge begins to ramble about dates and plans for their future, about how he understands that they are starting from scratch and he's willing to put in the work to be a better lover, though it still may take time and -....
Blue stops listening, is overwhelmed with everything. He trusts Edge. Knew from the beginning of their very first date, many moons ago, that Edge would never hurt him. He just needed to be careful not to hurt himself again...
If Edge was willing to finally change for him.... perhaps they really could work out and the past two years of wishing he wasn't so incredibly selfish and stupid might just wash away with this outpour of love.
#Angst with a happy edgeberry ending because I'm sorry but i can't do that lmao#edgeberry#fontcest#sorry if anything doesn't make sense im still on meds from the surgery and can't really edit rn#god i hope the formatting doesn't fuck up#sin-cognito
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Just a warning there are a few sensitive topics in this
I really need to talk to someone about this but I'm too scared/embarrassed to talk to someone irl and I just suck at talking to people in general.
For years I've been having frequent suicidal thoughts and have been self harming but I didn't really do much about it. Now though, things have gotten a lot worse. I've attempted a couple of times just in the past month and my self harming has gotten really bad/frequent and I think it's becoming more noticeable (I always wear a jacket now to hide my scars).
I just don't feel like anything is worth it anymore and no one that I know irl would care if I was gone. Sometimes I make subtle mentions about my thoughts when I'm talking to online friends and they all tell me that they would miss me and that they care about me and when they do it makes me feel better but it still doesn't change my mind about wanting to die.
I feel like maybe if I really did talk to someone irl about it though, they would ask why I feel like this and tbh, I'm not quite sure. I guess it's just everything? But honestly my life isn't terrible, I have a few close friends and I have things that I enjoy, but inside I just can't convince myself that anything is worth it.
I feel like maybe its could be because of my mental state possibly. I have really bad anxiety/depression (undiagnosed but I'm positive there's something going on) and I have panic attacks every day and sometimes multiple times a day. That could be a contributing factor but I also don't know why any of that happens either. It's like I'm living a whole other life in my brain that makes everything just awful.
Anyway, I'm sorry this was so long but I really felt like I needed to explain this and maybe ask for some advice or help? I really just don't know what else to do anymore.
Hey friend, I’ve been where you’re at and I know it sucks. Sometimes brain chemistry just gets a bit wonky and makes you feel down no matter what’s going on in your life. The feelings are still very real and can hurt just as bad though.
I know it will be hard, but you need to let some people in real life know what’s going on, people you can depend on to look out for you. Trying to find the words when you’re talking face to face can be really difficult so it might be helpful to write it down to give to them instead (either a letter or a text works just fine).
The good thing about wonky brain chemistry is that it’s fixable. I’ve personally never been on any antidepressants, mostly because I never had access to them as a kid when I really needed them, but I’ve known people that they’ve been really helpful for. It’s just like any illness where your body isn’t producing enough of the chemicals you need so you take medicine to make up the difference.
Again, I am not a mental health professional, but I’d highly reccomend you see one. In general, they’re very lovely people and can be so tremendously helpful. Look up your local suicide helplines and they can help you get connected from there.
I spent most of my formative years where you’re at and I remember how bleak everything felt. It was like the whole world was painted in gray and I couldn’t imagine how anything could make all the hard things worth it. But then one day it was like a veil was lifted and I looked around me and saw the colors, and it was beautiful. I still don’t really understand what happened, weather it was something different happening in my life or the brain chemicals finally evening out, but I’m so glad I made it through to that day. I had no idea this whole other world of colors and feelings and dreams was out there waiting for me, but it was, and I’m so glad I made it through to see it. It’s waiting for you too. Don’t give up before you’ve had the chance to see what it really means to be alive.
#tw depression#tw suicide#tw suicide mention#tw suicide attempt#cw depression#cw sui mention#cw suicide mention#cw sui ideation#cw sui thoughts#suicidal thoughts#mental health#anxiety#please let me know if there’s anything else i should tag this with#big bro advice
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