#but everybody in this book is bisexual and poly
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#i thought of this and made it on my phone in about two minutes#so it's not very polished#but everybody in this book is bisexual and poly#mina and lucy very much included#mina murray#lucy westenra#jonathan harker#dracula daily#dracula
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Hey, I just wanted to thank you for your honesty and willingness to explain how queer spaces can be a lot less transphobic than discourse within the trans community can make it seem. A lot of the past few years for me have been spent closeted out of fear that reactions around me would be uniformly hostile. Things are obviously going to be different for me as a transfem, but I have a much easier time being optimistic now!
I am so glad! Listen, the people who post online all the time about how miserably hard it is to find a place for oneself as a trans person create a kind of reverse survivorship bias. They are the people who have already convinced themselves it's best to forever remain closeted or that forging any kind of accepting community for oneself is impossible. Often, they are also people who once harbored unrealistic fantasies about just strolling up one day into a pre-existing community that was perfect for them, not realizing that we must form our relationships painstakingly one by one (it tends to be the white eggs/unhappy lonely trans people who are most prone to thinking of community in that way). there's plenty of trans guys who are doomers like this too and they really tend to actively encourage one another to remain locked away. it's like incel kind of behavior when it's taken to its most extreme form. sometimes, it can be outwardly really nasty homophobic shit too (especially among "afabs" who complain about "cis gays" never accepting them and being super privileged). in its milder form, it's just extreme trauma brain.
The people you do not hear from so much are the people who are busy out in the world going on dates, acting in plays, getting their asses spanked in dungeons, playing tabletop roleplaying games, and going to farmer's markets with their three also transgender wives. Those are the people who know (that is to say, have learned!) how to interact with their fellow queer people, have spent some time out in the community, and in all likelihood have many rich friendships with cis lesbians, cis gay men, enbies, asexuals, bisexuals, straight ish poly people, and everybody else under our big umbrella.
I don't want to be overly pollyannaish because of course trans people have a tough time, and especially trans women have unfortunately to be on the lookout for really vile transmisogyny. But I think when people are wounded and traumatized by these things, they sometimes make the entire world sound incredibly unwelcoming, which creates a self-limiting feedback loop of isolation and mistrust. That is what trauma does! But it is not the truth. and we only learn otherwise when we give other people the chance to prove our worst fears wrong.
Like, just for an example, this Sunday I was at a silent book club at Dorothy, a gay bar on the west side that skews lesbian but is for everyone. I'd never been there before but it was an absolutely charming experience! Dozens upon dozens of lesbians draped over couches and curled up in chairs with their books, quaffing cocktails, alongside a few random dots of gay and/or trans men. Trans women were just a natural completely unremarkable feature of this environment. I couldn't even tell you how many t girls were there. It would be like counting plus sized girls or butches at this lesbian function. If it's a good lesbian function, there's gonna be a diverse crowd and it won't be weird or a big deal to anyone, they'll just be like any other women there. a lot of the big lesbian events here in Chicago (like Strapped) are organized by trans women, so of course there's a robust trans femme presence there.
And all of these groups at this function were getting laid. the couches were overflowing with women, so many that girls were grabbing pillows to sit on and huddle together with their books on the floor. Girls canoodled and cuddled on couches. I saw a cis alt girl covered in facial piercings flirting with a very prim and proper trans girl who was dressed like a victorian governness. they didnt know one another, but after the silent book club hour was done, they left for a while together, then came back with some food. across from me and my friends, i watched them gathering up on the couch, the space between their bodies slowly closing up into nothing over the course of the evening. they flirted and touched and then left the bar together to (and im no expert on body language but i could pick up on this one) fuck eachothers tits right off.
and of course plenty of other lesbians and wlw paired off or tripled off and had their fun too. again, just like steamworks, fat people, thin people, black and brown people, white people, disabled people, neurodivergent people, trans people, older people, younger people, everybody was there. like any good queer space, it was just a reflection of humanity. there is always more that can be done to make these spaces more broadly accessible to full community. but part of that is by putting ourselves there.
again i dont mean to make it sound like finding and making one's space is easy! especially not for trans women! but I also don't want people to get seduced by the hopeless jadedness that some foment online. there are spaces that some trans women I know will never go to -- even an explicitly trans affirming bookstore like Women and Children First gives many trans women I know bad vibes they cant quite explain but all feel (the store is owned and run by old white cis lesbians, it's not surprising to me that it's a little fucked no matter their good intentions) -- and ive heard people say transmisogynistic stuff at events, particularly from "ill date anybody but cis men" type t boys (my brothers, i hate you). shit can be tough. very tough. but also, the world isn't all uniformly as hostile as it's made out to be. there are people who are desperate to meet you. I hope you will come out to find them.
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Here's a list of sapphic books I've enjoyed for Femslash February and Valentine's Day 🥰🏳️🌈
romance
A Little Light Mischief Former scoundrel turned lady's maid falls for her employer's companion. This was my first foray into wlw period romance. Absolutely loved it, it packs a lot of UST, steam and feels into a short novella!
The Lady's Guide to Celestial Mechanics (Feminine Pursuits, #1) Olivia Waite's wlw historical fiction stole my heart. All of her books mention background queer characters too. This one is about a lady astronomer who falls in love with her widowed patron as they break down barriers in science and art. Smart and hot!
The Care and Feeding of Waspish Widows (Feminine Pursuits, #2) The widowed owner of a printing business must call for the help of a beekeeper trapped in a fake marriage. Middle aged women falling in love!! Being gay!! Looking after bees!! Having sex!! Defying expectations!!
The Hellion's Waltz (Feminine Pursuits, #3) A pianist who hates swindlers tries to stop a swindler from swindling. Literally "be gay, do crimes"! Less UST and build-up than the other two, but still hot and sweet and socialist propaganda. There's poly rep too.
The Romance Recipe Restaurant owner hires reality star chef to help revive her restaurant (boss/employee), full of UST and good discussions of bisexuality. It has no less than five sex scenes.
Something to Talk About Celebrity romance with an age gap and boss/employee dynamic, deals with sexual harassment in Hollywood. Veeery slow burn with one smut scene.
The Falling in Love Montage YA, set in Ireland, our heartbroken protagonist doesn't want to fall in love so her new crush proposes a trope-filled summer fling. Plenty of making out but no smut. Very cute for anyone who enjoys the silliness of romcoms!
Perfect Rivalry Medical romance between rival overachievers who love gaming! Neurodivergent and multicultural rep, everybody is queer! Wholesome and hot.
In the Event of Love Second chance love / friends to lovers, Hallmark holiday movie vibes. Even planner heads back to her hometown after a PR disaster and reunites with her ex-turned-into-a-lumberjane childhood friend. Tooth-rottingly sweet and spicy.
For Her Consideration A heartbroken email ghostwriter is asked to meet with the cute celebrity she's writing for. Plus-size and multicultural rep, everybody is queer. It has a lovely found family theme and lots of spice.
Honeymoon for One The protagonist somehow forgets to cancel her honeymoon after calling off her wedding, goes on a solo adventure to Canada anyway and meets a cute ski instructor she does not get along with. Very sweet and with a couple of tender smut scenes.
drama
The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo An aging Hollywood star hires a little known reporter to share the true story about her seven husbands - and her one true love. This one broke me.
Yerba Buena Follows the journeys of two girls whose families are impacted by addiction, and until their paths cross in LA. Deals with themes of identity, changes, growing up, grief, and healing with another person. Warnings for drug abuse, death, underage sex.
Milk Fed This one is a complicated story about a woman dealing with the fatphobia, body dysmorphia and eating disorders, and what happens when she falls for the Orthodox Jewish woman who sells her froyo. It's a tough and weird read - there's also homophobia, parental trauma, sexual fantasies, religious issues.
fantasy
Siren Queen A Chinese American girl willing to do anything to become a star in pre-Hays Code Hollywood. Really thoughtful urban fantasy novel about race and queerness and the Hollywood dream.
These Witches Don't Burn A teenage witch must work with her ex to find out who's working to destroy their coven, while trying to date the new cute girl in town. This one is way angstier that it seems!
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Gotta Be LGBT+
This is a list of just some of the LGBT+ content out there. Anything on this list was contains LGBT+ characters or was made by LGBT+ creators. All entries on this list were sent in by followers and have not been confirmed by the mod. (Entries with ‘rep not given’ next to them mean that the suggestion did not include what kind of representation is in the content)
Put everything under the cut since this list started getting really long
Books/Comics
They Both Die At The End - Adam Silvera (mlm)
Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe - Benjamin Alire-Saénz (mlm)
Symptoms of Being Human (genderfluid)
Lily and Dunkin - Donna Gephart (trans/trans woman)
The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo - Taylor Jenkins Reid (wlw/bi)
The Gentleman’s Guide To Vice and Virtue - Mackenzie Lee (mlm/gay/bi)
Been Here All Along - Sandy Hall (gay/bi)
History Is All You Left Me - Adam Silvera (mlm/gay)
Blue Is The Warmest Color - Julie Maroh (wlw/bi/lesbian)
Mask of Shadows - Linsey Miller (bi/genderfluid)
Once and Future - Cori McCarthy (wlw/mlm/gay/bi/nonbinary)
Simon vs the Homosapiens Agenda - Beck Albertalli (mlm/gay)
Leah on the Offbeat - Becky Albertalli (wlw/bi)
Grasshopper Jungle - Andrew Smith (questioning/mlm)
The Rest of Us Just Live Here - Patrick Ness (mlm/gay)
Flying Tips For Flightless Birds - Kelly McCaughrain (mlm/gay)
I’ll Give You The Sun - Jandy Nelson (mlm)
Point Pleasant - Jen Archer Wood (mlm)
True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys - Gerard Way (mlm/wlw)
The Wayfarers Series - Becky Chambers (wlw/aro/trans man/nonbinary/genderfluid)
Vesuvius Club - Mark Gatiss (bi)
The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller (mlm)
Radio Silence - Alice Oseman (bi/mlm/demi/gay/pan/wlw/lesbian)
Of Fire and Stars - Audrey Coulthurst (wlw/lesbian)
Magnus Chase Series - Rick Riordan (genderfluid)
Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan (gay)
This Is Kind of An Epic Love Story - Kheyrn Callender (mlm/wlw)
Gracefully Grayson - Ami Polonsky (trans woman)
If I Was Your Girl - Meredith Russon (trans woman)
Call Me By Your Name - Andre Aciman (mlm)
Red, White, and Royal Blue - Casey McQuinston (mlm)
I Wish You All The Best - Mason Deaver (nonbinary)
Dreadnaught + Sovereign - April Daniels (wlw/trans woman)
The Art of Being Normal - Lisa Williamson (trans)
The Gone Series - Michael Grant (mlm/wlw)
One Of Us Is Lying - Karen McManus (mlm)
Six Of Crows - Leigh Bardugo (mlm)
Crooked Kingdom - Leigh Bardugo (rep not given)
The Last Sun - Author Not Provided (rep not given)
Romeo and/or Juliet - Ryan North (rep not given)
American Gods - Neil Gaiman (mlm/gay/bi)
The Mage Wars Series - Mercedes Lackey (gay)
Scott Pilgrim vs The World - Bryan Lee O’Malley (mlm/gay/wlw)
Boyfriends With Girlfriends - Alex Sánchez (mlm/wlw/bi/gay)
Will Grayson, Will Grayson - David Levithan & John Green (mlm)
This Is Where It Ends -Marieke Nijkamp (lesbian/wlw)
Carry On - Rainbow Rowell (mlm)
Stranger Than Fanfiction - Chris Colfer (mlm/trans man/gay)
The Reader Trilogy (The Reader, The Speaker, The Storyteller) - Traci Chee (mlm/wlw/nonbinary)
I Was Born For This - Alice Oseman (trans)
Heartstopper - Alice Oseman (mlm)
The Broken Earth Trilogy - MK Jemisin (trans woman/poly/pan/mlm
A Boy Worth Knowing - Jennifer Cosgrove (mlm/bi/gay)
The Rifter - Author Not Provided (mlm)
Snapdragon - Author Not Provided (wlw/ trans woman)
The Priory of the Orange Tree - Samantha Shannon (wlw/lesbian/mlm/gay)
Tipping the Velvet - Sarah Waters (wlw/lesbian)
Fingersmith - Sarah Waters (wlw/lesbian)
The Paying Guests - Sarah Waters (wlw/lesbian)
I Am J - Cris Beam (trans man)
Little And Lion - Brandy Colbert (bi)
Autoboyography - Christina Lauren (bi)
Felix Ever After - Kacen Callender (trans)
Birthday - Meredith Russo (trans)
Stay Gold - Tobly McSmith (trans)
You Should See Me In A Crown - Leah Johnson (lesbian)
Girls of Paper and Fire - Natasha Ngan (lesbian)
The Henna Wars - Adiba Jaigirdar (lesbian)
Let's Talk About Love - Claire Kann (ace)
The Lady's Guide To Petticoats and Piracy - Mackenzi Lee (ace/aro)
The Vanishers' Place - Aliette De Bodard (wlw)
Ash - Malinda Lo (wlw/bi)
The Little Homo Sapiens Scientist - S. L. Huang (wlw)
Everfair - Nisi Shawl (wlw)
Dread Nation: Risse Up - Justina Ireland (wlw/bi/ace)
The Gilda Stories - Jewelle Gomez (wlw/lesbian)
The True Queen - Zen Cho (wlw)
The Devourers - Indra Das (genderfluid/bi)
We Set The Dark On Fire - Tehlor Kay Mejia (wlw)
Smoketown - Tenea D. Johnson (wlw/lesbian)
Falling In Love With Hominids - Nalo Hopkinson (wlw)
The Fox’s Tower and Other Tales - Yoon Ha Lee (nonbinary)
Her Body and Other Parties - Carmen Maria Machado (wlw)
Beneath the Citadel - Destiny Soria (mlm/gay/bi/ace)
Witchmark - C.L Polk (mlm/gay)
The Prey of Gods - Nicky Drayden (trans/bi)
An Unkindness of Ghosts - Rivers Solomon (wlw/trans/nonbinary/intersex)
The Root - Na’amen Gobert Tilahun (mlm/gay)
Gods & Monsters: Snake Eyes - Hillary Monohan (wlw)
Labyrinth Lost - Zoraida Cordova (wlw/bi)
The Winged Histories - Sofia Samatar (wlw)
The Weight of Stars - K. Ancrum (wlw)
Huntress - Malinda Lo (wlw)
Will Do Magic For Small Change - Andrea Hairston (bi/pan/nonbinary)
The Last Chronomancer - Reilyn J Hardy (aro/ace/genderfluid/lesbian)
A Taste of Honey - Kai Ashante Wilson (mlm/bi)
Deadline - Stephanie Ahn (wlw/lesbian)
The Read Threads of Fortune - JY Yang (wlw/bi)
Not Your Sidekick - C.B. Lee (wlw/bi)
Timekeeper - Tara Sim (mlm)
Ascension - Jacqueline Koyangi (wlw)
When The Moon Was Ours - Anna-Marie McLemore (trans)
Amberlough - Lara Elena Donnelly (mlm/gay)
The Perfect Assassin - K.A Doore (gay/ace/mlm)
Afterparty - Daryl Gregory (wlw/lesbian)
Borderline - Mishell Baker (wlw/bi)
The Cloud Roads - Martha Wells (bi)
An Accident of Stars - Foz Meadows (wlw/bi/aro/trans)
The Last 8 - Laura Pohl (aro/bi)
Failure to Communicate - Kaia Sonderby (wlw/bi)
The Luminous Dead - Caitlin Starling (wlw)
The Wrong Stars - Tim Pratt (wlw)
Full Fathom Five - Max Gladstone (trans)
A Memory Called Empire - Arkady Martine (wlw)
Silver In the Wood - Emily Tesh (mlm)
The Raven Tower - Ann Leckie (mlm/bi/trans)
Ariah - B.R. Sanders (mlm/bi/nonbinary)
The Raven and the Reindeer - T. Kingfisher (wlw)
Planetfall - Emma Newman (bi)
Black Wings Beating - Alex London (ace/gay/mlm)
The Scorpion Rule - Erin Bow (bi)
Inkmistress - Audrey Coulthurst (bi)
Into the Drowning Deep - Mira Grant (wlw/bi/lesbian)
Vengeful - V.E Schwab (ace)
Blackfish City - Sam J Miller (nonbinary)
Daughter of Mystery - Heather Rose Jones (wlw/lesbian)
Stranger Grace - Tessa Gratton (bi/pan)
The Brilliant Death - Amy Rose Capetta (nonbinary)
Chameleon Moon - RoAnna Sylver (wlw/trans/ace)
19 Love Stories - David Levithan (trans/queer)
It’s Not Like It’s A Secret - Author Not Given (wlw)
Picture Us In The Light - Author Not Given (mlm)
Two Can Keep A Secret - Author Not Given (mlm/bi)
Death Sets Sail - Author Not Given (wlw)
Becoming Dinah - Author Not Given (rep not provided)
Witch Wolf series - Winter Pennington (wlw, lesbian, bisexual)
Underrealm series - Garrett Robinson (wlw, mlm, nonbinary, trans man trans woman, trans, pansexual, bisexual)
A Cloak of Red - Brenna Gawain (wlw, lesbian)
Blood Canticles - Naomi Clark (wlw)
Podcasts
Welcome to Night Vale (mlm/gay/wlw/nonbinary)
Dreamboy (mlm/gay)
Alice Isn’t Dead (wlw/lesbian)
The Penumbra Podcast (mlm/bi/genderfluid/nonbinary)
My Favorite Podcast (trans men)
Within the Wires (wlw)
The Adventure Zone (mlm/wlw/trans/gnc/nonbinary)
Limetown (wlw/lesbian)
Getting Curious With Jonathan Van Ness (nblm/nonbinary)
Friends at the Table (mlm/wlw/nonbinary)
LezHangOut (wlw)
Bright Sessions (mlm/demi/ace)
Queer As Fact (historical lgbt)
History Is Gay (historical lgbt)
Always Here (historical lgbt)
And That’s Why We Drink (nonbinary)
Magnus Archives (mlm/ace)
The Two Princes (mlm/gay/bi)
Girl-ish (trans women)
The Bright Sessions (gay/ace)
TV Shows/Movies/ETC
One Day At A Time (Remake) (wlw/lesbian/nonbinary)
Love, Simon (mlm/gay)
A Single Man (mlm/gay)
Brokeback Mountain (mlm/gay)
In The Flesh (mlm/gay)
Weekend (mlm)
RWBY (wlw/trans)
Jessica Jones (wlw/lesbian)
Critical Role (mlm/gay/bi/wlw/lesbian/nonbinary/genderfluid)
Pose (trans women/gay)
Schitt’s Creek (pan/mlm)
White Collar (wlw)
Lucifer (bi)
Umbrella Academy (mlm/wlw)
Call Me By Your Name (mlm)
Brooklyn Nine Nine (mlm/gay/bi)
Steven Universe (nonbinary)
Sailor Moon (wlw)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (wlw)
Sense8 (mlm/gay/wlw/lesbian/trans woman)
Doom Patrol (?/rep not given)
Good Omens (nonbinary)
Gentleman Jack (wlw)
American Gods (mlm/gay/bi/two-spirit)
Orange Is The New Black (wlw/trans)
Blue Is The Warmest Color (wlw)
Shameless (mlm/trans)
Euphoria (wlw/trans woman)
Modern Family (mlm/gay)
Daisy Brown ARG (wlw/lesbian)
Deadpool (pan)
Deadpool 2 (pan/wlw)
Alex Strangelove (mlm/gay)
Wynonna Earp (lesbian/gay/wlw)
She-Ra (wlw/mlm/gay/bi/lesbian/nonbinary/trans man)
SKAM (rep not provided)
Gotham (bi)
The Haunting of Hill House (wlw)
The Haunting of Bly Manor (wlw)
Kipo and the Wonderbeasts (mlm/gay/nonbinary)
Billie and Emma (wlw)
Carmen & Lola (wlw)
Carol (wlw)
Disobedience (wlw)
Elisa & Marcela (wlw)
Good Manners (wlw)
The Handmaiden (wlw)
Heart Beat Loud (wlw)
Portrait of a Lady on Fire (wlw)
Rafiki (wlw)
Stranger Things (wlw)
Handsome Devil (mlm)
Pride (wlw/mlm)
Musicals
The Prom (wlw/lesbian)
Be More Chill (mlm/bi)
Fun Home (wlw)
Spring Awakening (mlm)
A New Brain (mlm)
Falsettos (mlm/wlw)
Rent (mlm/wlw)
Firebringer (wlw/bi)
A Very Potter Musical (mlm/gay)
The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals (wlw)
Bare: A Pop Opera (mlm)
Everybody’s Talking About Jaime (mlm/gay)
Yank! The Musical (mlm)
Octet (wlw)
Ghost Quartet (wlw)
Spies Are Forever (mlm/gay)
Willow: A New Musical (wlw)
Over And Out: A New Musical (nblw/nonbinary)
Video Games
Fallout: New Vegas (mlm/gay/wlw/lesbian)
When The Night Comes (mlm/nonbinary)
The Arcana (nonbinary)
Dream Daddy (mlm/gay/bi/pan/trans)
Dragon Age (mlm/wlw/gay/lesbian/trans/pan/bi)
Smile For Me (wlw)
Undertale (trans/nonbinary/wlw/mlm)
Monster Prom (nonbinary)
Cookie Run (nonbinary/mlm/wlw/bi/pan)
The Missing (wlw/trans woman)
Fable 2 & 3 (wlw/mlm)
Borderlands 2 (mlm/wlw/bi/gay/lesbian)
Gone Home (wlw)
Prey (wlw)
Dishonored 2 (nonbinary/wlw)
Deus Ex Mankind Divided System Rift (rep not given)
Assassins Creed Series (mlm/wlw/gay/lesbian/trans)
The Last of Us (wlw/lesbian)
Mass Effect Series (mlm/wlw/gay/lesbian/bi)
Life Is Strange (wlw)
Overwatch (mlm/gay/wlw/lesbian)
Animal Crossing (pan)
Night In The Woods (pan/mlm/trans woman)
The Elder Scrolls (trans/wlw/lesbian)
Dreamfall Chapters (mlm/gay)
Dishonored: Death of the Outsider (wlw)
In the Outer Worlds (wlw/ace)
Elder Scrolls: Skyrim (mlm/wlw)
Fallout 4 (wlw/mlm)
Hades (mlm/bi)
Obviously this list is far from complete so feel free to add to it or let me know of anything else and I’ll edit the post to add it as long as you include the category it belongs to! Be sure to include what representation it has though otherwise I can’t add it!
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Strange Books official bookmarks are now on sale!!
Choose from 12 unique designs at $6 each, or you can commission specialty bookmarks crafted with your specifications for $12*! Shipping included; if you're in the Atlanta area, you may be able to stop by one of my book signings to get bookmarks free of shipping charges ($5 and $10 respectively)!
Current designs include 4 book-specific designs from They Call Me Strange, Book Of Alice, Chillers, and Faerytales, Mermaid Myths, And Other Fantastical Legends, as well as pride designs for eight* different sexualities, orientations, and genders, including: gay, lesbian*, bisexual, transgender, pansexual, asexual, non-binary, and polyamorous!
Each bookmark comes with ribbon tassels ranging from one to three colors, as well as two charms! All sales come with a free Strange Books sticker!
Below the cut, you'll find the specific variant choices for each bookmark (such as ribbon color and charm selection), commission info, and a few disclaimers about the asterisk'd info
If you're interested, please message me!! Payment will be through my ko-fi!
Disclaimers:
*I don't usually charge double for specially made products but considering that bookmarks are rather expensive to make and that I have to order each design in a minimum of five, I need to price them atleast well enough to recoup my cost, and since all of my current bookmarks are already strung and charmed, even requesting a different charm or ribbon will incur commission pricing, however, if these do well I'll be able to afford to order higher quantities or more frequently order small quantities and will be able to drop the cost of commissions to something more reasonable!
*I know there are many more orientations than just what I've been able to represent, but sadly because of the expense I could only afford to do these, if these end up being successfull, however, I can expand and start making more designs, hopefully, someday, I'll be able to add a larger variety and hit even less represented orientations like aromantic, agender, genderfluid, and even some of the other pride flag variants for orientations I already have!
*I know the inclusion of the lipstick lesbian flag is controversial as it doesn't represent all lesbians, and I recently learned that the creator of the flag is apparently transphobic and racist (wich I didn't learn until after the bookmark was already made, I'm afraid) but I wanted to do a bookmark specifically for lesbians rather than just placing them under the traditional rainbow flag, partly because lesbians deserve to have their own bookmark just like the other orientations, but also partly because I could only fit three book quotes onto each bookmark and I didn't want to try to cram gay-male quotes + lesbian quotes all onto one, it may come off as sloppy, this way there are two different bookmarks individualized to both groups <3 As for why I chose the lipstick flag instead of another one it simply comes down to recognition, the only two lesbian flags widely recognized are this one and the lambrys flag, wich not only is less known than the lipstick flag, but also would have been difficult to do, as you probably can see with the poly bookmark, using symbols on these would be difficult as the image forcefully stretches, a lambrys would have looked really bad so I would have needed to keep it more color-based, less symbol based, hopefully though this is still ok and identifiable with plenty of lesbians and by not including the lipstick mark, I hope to make it more inclusive to all lesbians, not just the lipstick portion <3
Designs
All bookmarks feature themed quotes from several of my books, please feel free to message me if you'd like to know the specific quotes on any particular bookmark!
Strange Bookmarks- Featuring the cover of "They Call Me Strange", as well as dark red ribbon, and golden wolf and Little Red Riding Hood charms
Alice Bookmarks- Featuring the cover of "Book Of Alice Volume 1", as well as white ribbon, all bookmarks feature a mushroom charm, please choose from a rabbit, a teacup, a cat, a book, and a "Follow your dreams" charm
Faerytale Bookmarks- Featuring the cover of "Faerytales, Mermaid Myths, And Other Fantastical Legends Volume 1", as well as seafoam green ribbon, please choose your charms from the selection of: a wolf and & vampire fangs, a faery & a mermaid, a fox & a witch, a dragon & a unicorn, or a tree of life & a princess carriage
Chillers Bookmarks- Featuring the cover of "Chillers Volume 2", as well as dark red and black ribbon, all bookmarks feature a tombstone OR a spider's web charm, and your choice of a ghost, a skeleton key, a zombie, vampire fangs, or a snake
Gay Pride Bookmarks- Featuring the traditional six-color rainbow pride flag, as well as three colored ribbons of your choice combination*, all bookmarks feature a unicorn charm as well as your choice of a snowflake, a dragonfly, a tree of life, a shooting star, and a "Believe" charm
*Color combinations for ribbon include: Blue/purple/red, purple/red/orange, red/orange/yellow, orange/yellow/green, and yellow/green/blue
Lesbian Pride Bookmarks- Featuring the seven colors of the lipstick-lesbian pride flag, as well as light pink, dark pink, and white ribbon, all bookmarks feature a unicorn charm as well as your choice of a shooting star, a tree of life, a butterfly, a flower, and a "Believe" charm
Bisexual Pride Bookmarks- Featuring the three-toned bisexual pride flag, as well as pink, purple, and blue ribbon, all bookmarks feature a half moon charm as well as your choice of a flower, a shooting star, a tree of life, a snowflake, and a "Believe" charm
Pansexual Pride Bookmarks- Featuring the three-toned pansexual pride flag, as well as pink, yellow, and blue ribbon, all bookmarks feature a dragon charm as well as your choice of a tree of life, a snowflake, a flower, a shooting star, and a "Believe" charm
Asexual Pride Bookmarks- Featuring the four-toned asexual pride flag, as well as black, white, and purple ribbon, all bookmarks feature a dragonfly charm as well as your choice of a snowflake, a flower, a tree of life, a shooting star, and a "Believe" charm
Transgender Pride Bookmarks- Featuring the three-toned transgender pride flag, as well as pink, blue, and white ribbon, all bookmarks feature a butterfly charm as well as your choice of a shooting star, a snowflake, a flower, a tree of life, and a "Believe" charm
Non-Binary Pride Bookmarks- Featuring the four-toned non-binary pride flag, as well as purple, yellow, and black ribbon, all bookmarks feature a seahorse charm, as well as your choice of a flower, a snowflake, a shooting star, a tree of life, and a "Believe" charm
Polyamorous Pride Bookmarks- Featuring the three-toned "Pi" polyamory pride flag, as well as black, red, and blue ribbon, all bookmarks feature a triple-flower bead charm (please choose pink or blue) as well as your choice of a shooting star, a tree of life, a snowflake, a flower, and a "Believe" charm
Commission Info
All bookmark commissions are $12, HOWEVER, if you order more than one of the same design pattern, each additional bookmark will only be $6!!
You can choose any of the 12 existing design patterns, or request a specific pride flag or book cover for a new pattern! If you'd like a bookmark that's non-specific to any of my book covers or pride flags, please message me and perhaps we can work something out, for copyright reasons I'm a bit tight on pattern options, plus, these are, after all, still promotional material for my books, wich is why my options are somewhat limited here
After choosing a design pattern you can also choose to keep the original quotes- if you're choosing a pre-existing pattern- or my choice of quotes- if you're choosing a new pattern- or you can choose the quotes yourself!
You can also choose up to three ribbon colors, as well as two charms of your choice- for charms, please feel free to message me if you want something specific, I have a range of well over FIFTY different charms, ranging from animals to symbols to supernatural/fantasy designs to hobbies or careers, and if I don't have something, I might be able to order it- at no extra charge to you!
If you are ordering a commission peice, please allow up to an extra two weeks for shipping, as I'll have to wait for the actual bookmarks to get made and shipped to me, then pretty them up myself before being able to ship to you
If you're ordering a commission peice with custom charms that I don't already have, please allow up to an extra FIVE weeks for delivery, as my charms almost always come from overseas and I'll have to wait on them to come in
Birthstone and zodiac specific charms are readily available! Looking to up your customization? How about a pride-bookmark with your birthstone and zodiac sign on it?
Combination designs ARE available!! Bisexual transgender? I can combine those, want a pride flag with one of my covers on it? I can combine those too!
Customization is my specialty so PLEASE feel free to ask for anything you have in mind and we'll see if we can work something out!!
Strange Books is working on a couple of new products that will be posted in the coming weeks, and the next set of books is currently in the editing process, so look out for those over the coming months, here's to a great spring everybody!
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Episode 13: Six Degrees of Virginia Woolf, Part 1
Gretchen and Leigh are pleased to announce their very first special guest to History is Gay, Dan Arndt of Write to Survive Podcast and The Fandomentals, to talk about Virginia Woolf and Vita-Sackville-West. This episode has everything: modernism, gay love letters, dramatic queers, queers with mommy issues, and a story of gay lovers running away to Europe and their spouses chasing them down that’s so cinematic we really are surprised they haven’t made a movie of it yet. Just how gay was Virginia Woolf? So gay we’ve got six degrees episodes to work with! Join us for Part 1 of an ongoing series.
A Closer Look at Virginia Woolf and Vita Sackville-West
Vita Sackville-West's Other Loves
We mentioned in the episode that unfortunately we didn't have enough time to go over all of Vita's many lovers, but we wanted to put a nice handy list of the "greatest hits", so to speak here for y'all to enjoy, straight from our outline notes (which you can get full access to by becoming a Patreon supporter!:
Mary Garman (bohemian woman who's husband hated the Bloomsbury’s)
Margaret Goldsmith Voigt (American Historian), 1928
Hilda Matheson (BBC Director of Talks), 1929
Evelyn Irons, Journalist, first female winner of Croix De Geurre, 1931 (this was a threeway with her and her lover Olive Rinder).Met while she was doing a piece on Vita
Christabel Gertrude Marshall (Christopher St. John), Suffragette and Writer, lived in poly relationship her whole life 1932-1934
Gwen St. Aubyn, (Vita’s HUSBAND’S SISTER) 1934
Violet Pym, 1947
Edith Lamont, (painter) 1947
Bunny Drummond, (her elderly neighbor’s daughter in law) 1947-1952
Her husband, Harold, who was also bisexual, had an open marriage with Vita, and may have slept with Violet’s husband as well. Other loves include writer and critic Raymond Mortimer. He wrote to her that he often would spend time in Paris with young men while she was away, and the two never shared a bed after 1917. Harold, his son said “viewed sex as incidental, and about as pleasurable as a quick visit to a picture gallery between trains”
Content Warning: Vita Sackville West's Memoriam and Virginia Woolf's Suicide Note
IN MEMORIAM VIRGINIA WOOLF
Many words crowd, and all and each unmeaning.
The simplest words in sorrow are the best.
So let us say, she loved the water-meadows,
The Downs; her books; her friends; her memories;
The room which was her own.
London by twilight; shops and unknown people;shops and Mrs Brown
Donne's church; the Strand; the buses, and the large
Swell of humanity that passed her by.
I remember she told me once that she, a child,
Trapped evening moths with honey round a tree-trunk
And with a lantern watched their antic flight.
So she, a poet, caught her special prey
With words of honey and lamp of wit.
Frugal, austere, fine, proud,
Rich on [in] her contradictions, rich in love,
So did she capture all her moth-like self:
Her fluttered spirit, delicate and soft,
Bumping against the lamp of life, too hard, too glassy,
Yet kept a sting beneath the brushing wing,
Her blame astringent and her praise supreme.
How small, how petty seemed the little men
Measured against her scornful quality.
Some say, she lived in an unreal world,
Cloud-cuckoo-land. Maybe. She now has gone
Into the prouder world of immortality.
V S-W (The Observer 6 April 1941)
Woolf’s Suicide Note
Dearest,
I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can't fight it any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that—everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V
If you want to learn more about Virginia Woolf and Vita-Sackville-West, check out our full list of sources and further reading below!
Online Articles:
A Timeline of Slang Terms for Vagina/Vulva
How Virginia Woolf’s Orlando Subverted Censorship and Revolutionized the Politics of LGBT Love in 1928
Harold Nicolson on Spartacus Educational
Vita Sackville-West's erotic verse to her lover emerges from 'intoxicating night'
10 Very Gay Excerpts from Vita and Virginia’s Love Letters
A Thing That Wants Virginia
Books and Print Articles:
Virginia Woolf by Susan Rubinow Gorsky
The Letters of Vita Sackville-West and Virginia Woolf edited by Louise DeSalvo and Mitchell a. Leaska (Editor)
Diary of Virginia Woolf Vol. 2 (1920-1924)
Diary of Virginia Woolf Vol. 3 (1925-1930)
Portrait of a Marriage by Nigel Nicolson
Congenial Spirits: The Selected Letters of Virginia Woolf edited by Joanne Trautmann Banks
Vita Sackville-West: Selected Writings edited by Mary Ann Caws
A History of Homosexuality in Europe: Berlin, London, Paris by Florence Tamagne
Virginia Woolf: The Impact of Childhood Sexual Abuse on her Life and Work by Louise DeSalvo
Until next time, stay queer and stay curious!
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Okey, so I’ve been sitting on this one for a while…but I did get a request for Lelu for the OC tag - I just didn’t have any shots of her that were satisfying enough to show her in ultimate Sith badassery…
Full Name: Lelu Kallig aka Darth Nox. Birth Name Unknown.
Gender and Sexuality: CIS Female. Poly Heteroromantic Bisexual (I asked her to label herself and she just rolled her eyes at me - that’s the best we could come up with together. It’s a mouthful.)
Pronouns: She/Her
Ethnicity/Species: Human
Birthplace and Birthdate: Unknown. Raised on Dromund Kaas.
Guilty Pleasures: Chocolate. Power Ballads. Republic Boys. May or may not actually be reading smutty fanfiction when supposedly nose-deep in historical texts.
Phobias: Failure. Being Alone. Losing Herself. Endangering Loved Ones.
What They Would Be Famous For: Darth Nox, one of the youngest Dark Councillors in recent history. Commander of the Alliance.
What They Would Get Arrested For: Murdering her former slave master, an Imperial Moff, though no one would dare now, if any even remain who could associate her with that particular individual.
OC You Ship Them With: None. She was physically involved with the Empire’s Wrath when they were both students at the Sith Academy on Korriban, but that was more a mutual understanding and friendship than anything else. She also almost fell into bed in an AU encounter with @cavalier-life‘s Lyorek. However the encounter was interrupted before it went very far.
OC Most Likely To Murder Them: If Lelu had met Razi’ilziveri prior to the founding of the Alliance, or without Theron as a buffer, things would not have gone well. But that was only because they were enemies by default. In reality, they get along very well.
On the other hand, Lelu could easily pose a danger to Gloriana. Gee may or may not have had a bit of a thing with Andronikos over the course of her confinement in carbonite. It was never anything more than mutual attraction and release. Gee is a free spirit and has only ever loved two people in her lifetime…Darmas Pollaran and herself. And Darmas respects (and loves) his wife’s independence. Nik, of course, was just being Nik. Lelu could never fault him…she wasn’t there, and she would have done the same thing if the tables had been turned, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s a Sith. *shrugs*
Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Cheesy Rom-Com’s and Smutty Smut Smut (with plot!)
Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: Tacky love triangles that end in forcing a choice. ;)
Talents and/or Powers: Force Lighting. Force Choking. Acrobatics. Saberstaff.
Why Someone Might Love Them: Two men have fallen in love with Lelu for being different, at least when compared to the stereotypical depiction of what it means to be Sith. Then again, both of those men were born in the Republic. Lelu operates in shades of grey. She will do what she has to, but she is not a fan of killing senselessly and without purpose. Nothing Personal. It’s Business. In one breath, she could go out of her way to save a squad of Republic troopers, treat with them, and leave them intact…and in the next breath she could be the end of an entire planet. She has a bit of a savior complex, often to the detriment of her own health and well-being. She values outspoken partners, those who will stand up to her and treat her like a person rather than a Sith. Because of that, she has only romantically been involved with Non-Imperials. And unlike most Sith, Lelu looks on her Force Sensitivity as a burden. She has risen to the top out of a skewed sense of duty (that savior complex), when in reality, she would be most happy living as a pirate with Andronikos…feared for her reputation and not her station or titles. She cherishes the rare bits of time she gets to spend as a nobody…unrecognized…normal.
Why Someone Might Hate Them: There are Sith who feel that Lelu is weak, that her leanings toward diplomacy go against the teachings of the Sith Code, and do not agree with her belief that everybody has the right to interpret the Code as they see fit. “There are as many interpretations of the Code as there are Sith.”
She has also made an enemy of former Supreme Chancellor Saresh. After being humiliated on Ziost, Saresh vowed to see her undone.
How They Change: Lelu changes quite a bit. She has always struggled to reconcile herself as a Person and herself as a Sith. Oftentimes, she found they were in conflict, and it took her a long time to realize that she could be both at the same time. She learned to rely more on others, take help when it was offered…and to let those in her life make their own choices…be equal partners.
Why You Love Them: I love Lelu because she does grow so much as a character. She’s been through so much…started out in one place…as someone so insignificant as to not even have a name…and then ends up as the most powerful figure in the galaxy. She’s a leader of the Sith…a Dark Councilor…who falls in love with not one…but two men from the Republic…two Force-Blind men…one of whom has ties to very important people on the other side. How can she possibly reconcile all of that? But somehow, she does.
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With reading some self-help books, a lot has come to the front of my head. A lot of repressed trauma I had about being viewed as a lesbian.
When I was younger I was bullied a lot about my mom being a lesbian. I was so young I don’t even remember what age it was. But it was in the beginning of middle school, and on. My mom would find notes from girls in my backpack. There would be threats. There would be girls trying to make everybody else hate me. There would be rumors spread about me. Every single day. It got so bad that the cops had to be called, and I remember sitting in the principals office sobbing. Not understanding why this was happening to me. I was always taught from my mom that you can love whoever the hell you want to. And I didn’t understand why nobody else felt that way.
A little while later I was shunned out of the church that I was going to. I went every week. It was a small town so everybody knew everybody’s business. People talked about us, looked at us differently.
In my teen years I grew up with crushes on girls, all the time. And of course I rarely really did anything about it. I was too afraid.
I think about me and Chris’s relationship. And I remember that a lot of the time, I used to fantasize about women. About being with women. But I repressed that too. Because he also was verbally abusive about things like that. And would just make fun of you.
Then later I was in a poly relationship. I found I was always leaning towards the girl. I wanted to hold her, spoil her, bond with her, be the big spoon. I didn’t really care about being with the guy in the relationship. And of course he got jealous and told me I was turning her into a lesbian. That relationship was never going to work anyways, trust me. Lol.
On top of all that, my dad really hated my mother. He used to call both of us Dykes all the time. He used to tell me that I was going to end up just like her. He’d make fun of me for calling my step mom, dad. (my step mom used to do drag and she liked being called dad). He would leave messages on the phone threatening her, of course always bringing up that she’s a lesbian. I saw so much hate in my life.
I’ve always labeled myself as bisexual or pansexual, and I still do. But I think after coming to all these realizations about my trauma in the past, I do prefer women.
Reading that book about trans partners made me realize why I was having such a hard time with some of those things. I wish I would have realized it sooner.
Nobody should be taught to repress these feelings. Nobody should be taught that it’s wrong to feel this way. Nobody. But from this day forward, I have no shame. Only acceptance and love. For the life that I want. Not for the trauma that tries to hold me down. Neither should you 🖤 🏳️🌈 and that’s why I feel like it’s very important to share this.
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I don’t want to strengthen the sluggish label that all bisexuals are greedy
I donвЂ
t want to strengthen the sluggish label that all bisexuals are greedy
By Dom Peppiatt, Monday, 16 September 2019 13:10 GMT
We donвЂ
t want to strengthen the sluggish stereotype that all bisexuals are greedy but on Wednesday September 11, 2019, once the Tokyo Game Show trailer for Final Fantasy 7 Remake dropped, i really couldnвЂ
t do any work with three hours. Along with just about each of games Twitter, I happened to be swept up in a thirst publishing social media marketing cyclone that basically revolved around yeeting photos of last Fantasy 7вЂ
s fundamental cast into the void and gushing on how fucking hot all of them are after their 22 12 months radiance up.
TifaвЂ
s arms, RenoвЂ
s chest, BiggsвЂ
cheekbones, Aeris for the reason that dress, JesseвЂ
s asymmetrical bangsthem, Pygmalion style, into an Unreal Engine 4 character creator… itвЂ
s like Square Enix took a composite of all the most common features from my Tinder match list and trained an AI to sculpt. Literally making my aspirations become a reality.
“Tell me Ifrit isnвЂ
t bait for probably the most intense type of bear/daddy fan art” Those eyes!” exclaims Rude as he views Cloud for the time that is first. “I understand, friend, I’m sureas I melt into a feckless pile of goo” I whisper at my monitor. Clearly, RudeвЂ
s commenting from the Mako coursing through every molecule of our spiky haired protagonistвЂ
s human anatomy, nevertheless the headcanon IвЂ
m shipping has a lot more of a вЂlove in the beginning sightвЂ
kinda vibe.
Then we arrive at Reno the cocky, open redhead that is shirted very very first aided me be prepared for my bisexuality when Square Enix first circulated Final Fantasy 7: Advent kids in 2005. This cunning flirt, this CGI catnip in human form in the film, Reno evolved from this podgy clump of polygonal limbs to this androgynous nymph. Minimal did i understand it, but RenoвЂ
s appearance for the reason that terrible animated spin down film would instigate a lifelong attraction to (and subsequent dating of) androgynous people, redheaded people, and individuals that prefer to wear matches with a lot of buttons undone.
If Square Enix has a leaf out from the last Fantasy 15 book of вЂhow to flog a dead horseвЂ
, possibly we’re able to see an Episode Reno DLC once all the chapters of Remake are call at the crazy an statement that, if my Twitter feed is almost anything to pass by, would deliver gamers of all of the sexual identities into meltdown, IвЂ
m yes.
Thus far, weвЂ
ve seen Jesse, Barret, Tifa, Aerith, Biggs, Wedge, a fresh (since yet unnamed) SOLDIER, Cloud, Sephiroth, Reno, Tseng, Rude, and also two summons Shiva and Ifrit. All are fit. Yep, perhaps the spirits. You appear at Shiva and let me know she actually isnвЂ
t radiating Big Domme energy. Let me know Ifrit is bait that is nвЂ
t probably the most intense sorts of bear/daddy fan art.
IвЂ
ve also seen pouches for the deep, dark internet thirsting following the sleazy vibes of Mark HamillвЂ
s Don Corneo, drawn in by the thrall of his greasy lilвЂ
moustache and daft, tufty mohawk appearing like most of the worst individuals at a Kasabian gig. The main point is, in terms of IвЂ
m stressed, IвЂ
d swipe close to every one of those individuals (and spirits) on Tinder. And now we have actuallynвЂ
t also seen Yuffie or Vincent yet. Be nevertheless my emo that is beating heart. Yes, IвЂ
m being glib and foisting my unadulterated thirst you solely for activity value, but i actually do think thereвЂ
s a spot to be produced in switching every one of one’s in game characters into a whole thirst trap: it is progress.
ItвЂ
s another action away from that hackneyed videogame attention roll of just attractive to a man look of creating ladies attractive (browse: big upper body, quick dress) whilst making most of the guys a palette swap of Marcus Fenix or Doomguy. Last Fantasy 7 was always a location for https://www.camsloveaholics.com/ thirsty gamers to project their lustful dreams a cursory search of any hentai imageboard will show that in a heartbeat therefore in switching those poly that is low models into these genuine angels that appeal into the the greater part of sexual choices… well, just what has Square Enix surely got to lose?
A palette swap of Marcus Fenix“ItвЂ
s another step away from that hackneyed videogame eye roll of only appealing to the male gaze of making women attractive whilst making all the men”
Right individuals, homosexual individuals, greedy bisexuals like myself and whatever other mixture of sex identification and sexual choice that enjoys gaming has one thing to love right here (except, evidently, my primary partner). No accounting for flavor, eh?
In a weather where designers have criticised for virtually every thing they are doing, personally i think it is crucial to commemorate Square Enix to make a cast of figures that everybody can fall deeply in love with yet again, for his or her characters and their character arcs, as well as their God that is frankly tier visual. We wonвЂ
t be objectifying the heroes and villains of Final Fantasy 7 Remake or playing the video game solely for intimate satisfaction, IвЂ
ll be playing it with a huge, dumb Labrador laugh plastered across my face because I’m able to reconnect with a game title that piqued my interest as being a hormones addled tween whilst being awed by way of a cast of characters that is simple on the attention.
I really hope everybody else plays it exactly the same way: interested in the figures that do it for you personally, and appreciating that even although you wouldnвЂ
t share a sleep with Cloud heвЂ
s a fucking gorgeous ottery twink that may cleave you by 50 percent with simplicity (interpret that while you will). Many Many Thanks, Square Enix, for creating a cast that sacks down appealing to your male look and alternatively appeals into the individual look rather. The thirsty females, gays, bis, pans, aces and whoever else when you look at the ever expanding Fantasy that is final fandom you.
Of all of the modifications Final Fantasy 7 Remake is making towards the game, it is maintaining probably the most essential element of its legacy intact: back when you look at the 90s, the Enjoy Doh character models and glimpses of gorgeous spiky haired heroes in low res cutscenes somehow been able to capture the imagination of the generation of horny teenagers. The Remake is performing all of it once more but this time around, I’m able to even appreciate it more because IвЂ
ve arrive at terms utilizing the proven fact that IвЂ
m a greedy bisexual that simply canвЂ
t get sufficient. Sometimes we consist of links to online stores. We may receive a small commission if you click on one and make a purchase. To learn more, visit here.
Nguồn bài viết : I don’t want to strengthen the sluggish label that all bisexuals are greedy
source https://vinachali.com/i-donv%d1%92t-want-to-strengthen-the-sluggish-label-2
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Poly Role Models: Kitty Chambliss of Loving Without Boundaries
PolyRoleModels: Okay cool. Alright. So welcome to PolyRoleModels. Thanks for taking some time to contribute to my little project.
Kitty Chambliss: Absolutely. I'm excited to be here. Thanks for inviting me to be on.
PolyRoleModels: Awesome, awesome. Would you like to introduce yourself?
Kitty Chambliss: Yes, I am Kitty Chambliss and I am the creator of Loving Without Boundaries, which is a website, a movement, a blog, a podcast and I also offer relationship coaching through that house and name as well. I also run workshops around the country when I'm able to at polyamorous conferences, and I am in the business of making the world a more beautiful and loving place, one conversation at a time. So thanks for conversing with me today.
PolyRoleModels: Yeah, thank you. Thank you. So how long have you been polyamorous or how long have you been practicing polyamory?
Kitty Chambliss: I would say it's going on about seven years now. So I've been practicing some sort of consensual non monogyny for over a decade, but actually identifying specifically as polyamorous for about six or seven years.
PolyRoleModels: Okay, and what doe your relationship structure look like?
Kitty Chambliss: So, I have been married for 11 years tomorrow.
PolyRoleModels: Oh congratulations.
Kitty Chambliss: And we dated, my husband and I for about two and a half years before that, and we were both former cheaters, who didn't want to cheat anymore. So we didn't know what that meant at the time. I didn't know the word polyamory yet, but we just decided that we were going to develop our relationship and eventually our marriage the way that we saw as fit, despite how society told us it was supposed to go. So we knew that meant some sort of openness, but with honesty of course, and integrity and just letting each other know if we were attracted to somebody else.
So eventually that led to swinging in the beginning, and then I read the book Ethical Slut-
PolyRoleModels: Okay.
Kitty Chambliss: And learned the word polyamory, and then we started dive our toe into other relationships. So I first had one boyfriend for about five years, and that ended, and now I'm with my current beloved, who we're having our two year anniversary next month, and he lives with us. So at our house, it's my husband, myself, my boyfriend, and our two cats.
PolyRoleModels: Awesome, awesome.
Kitty Chambliss: That's the current structure.
PolyRoleModels: Nice. So what aspect of polyamory do you feel you excel at?
Kitty Chambliss: I would say I'm pretty darn good at communication, and it's partly because I've studied it intensively. So I've kind of made it my business to learn how to communicate well, and also my love language is words of affirmation, and I'm also a relationship coach. So talking and using words and figuring out how to get to the underlying things underneath conflicts, I really enjoy. So I like helping somebody else along that journey as well. So I would say communication is where I excel at.
PolyRoleModels: Okay, what aspect of polyamory do you feel like you struggle with?
Kitty Chambliss: I would say sometimes I struggle with envy and jealousy, which is partly why I wrote a book about it, because I'm also ... When I have an issue, I end up diving deep and studying that issue to try and figure it out. So I compiled everything that I've learned into a book that I recently wrote. So even though I've struggled with it, I've really worked hard at it, and I'm constantly working at it, like a practice. So yeah.
PolyRoleModels: Yeah. Alright, well I was going to ask how you address those struggles, but you kind of leaned into it, unless you want to elaborate anymore?
Kitty Chambliss: I would say a lot of it, just to elaborate a little bit, and that I go into in the book, is really working on yourself first, and you're looking inward to see where maybe your insecurities are coming from, and learning to handle those emotions without lashing out, and you just let them go through your body, so to speak and explore them and be curious about them, instead of fearing them. Then, when you're ready, if you think it's relevant, then going ahead and opening up a conversation, but doing it in a very respectful way that's being very sensitive to the other person as well. That's really worked for me.
PolyRoleModels: Nice. Now in terms or our risk aware, or safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?
Kitty Chambliss: Well we ironically are all infertile. So my husband and I, we tried to have children, it didn't work. So that's how we know we're infertile. My boyfriend had a vasectomy. So pregnancy is off the table, and we both ... All three of us, I mean, go to our local health clinic about every six months, and we just routinely get tested. So I would say that's really our preventative measure, because we don't use barriers. Again, because pregnancy's kind of off the table, and we just make sure that we're all safe, and physically health, and we're fluid [bonding 00:05:22] in that respect.
PolyRoleModels: Alright. Now, what is the worst mistake you've ever made in your polyamorous history? And how did you rebound from that?
Kitty Chambliss: I would say the worst mistake I made was forgiving a little too much with my last relationship that I was in for about five years. Now, I know that there were many signs that he was cheating on me, which is ironic in an open and polyamorous relationship, and I didn't ignore them, but I just kept forgiving him, thinking that he would improve and finally, when a sherif showed up at my door ... Actually, it was even after that. I forgave him after that. He ended up getting a restraining order from somebody, so it was a long story. It got ugly, and I probably should have ended that relationship earlier. But I did end it when another incident had happened several months later.
How I rebounded was I took about two months off, three actually, and just looked inward, and tried to make sure that I was okay, that my relationship with my husband was okay, and really practice a lot of self-care before I went back out there into the poly dating scene, and that really helped me a lot.
PolyRoleModels: Awesome, awesome.
Kitty Chambliss: Yeah.
PolyRoleModels: Now, what self identities are important to you, and how do you feel like being polyamorous intersects with, or affects those identities?
Kitty Chambliss: I would say I'm a cisgendered female. Very happy being a woman, and feel fortunate that that worked out well. Some other identities, I would say that we have an open style marriage, but I do like to qualify that by saying that we do practice polyamory, 'cos to me that is a very specific way that you have an open marriage, and I think sometimes ... I'll say the word open relationship, because sometimes that's what people understand if they don't know the word polyamory for the layman. But I like to explain it further, because I think sometimes people get the wrong idea when you say open relationship, like it's a big free for all, and you have sex with everybody who comes along, and a lot of those assumptions get made. So I like to explain that polyamory is more about love and relationships and hey, if sex is there, great, but it's not necessarily about the sex. Also, you're still choosing your partners. It's not just a "hey, let's have a big orgy." 'Cos I think that's definitely one of the assumptions that happens often.
So on other ways I identify, do you mean more in a sexual sense?
PolyRoleModels: More in the personal identity sense. Race or gender, orientation, able body status.
Kitty Chambliss: Sure. I would say I'm heteroflexible, meaning that I view it as kind of a spectrum.
PolyRoleModels: Okay.
Kitty Chambliss: So like if this is all the way heterosexual, and this is all the way homosexual, I'm somewhere over here. So I'm mostly heterosexual, but I have an open mind. I have had sex with women, and I find women beautiful, but I don't identify personally as bisexual, because I've never fallen in love with a woman, and I don't know if I have the capacity for that. That's kind of how I describe it.
PolyRoleModels: Okay.
Kitty Chambliss: I also, I identify as an infertility survivor. So I mention that, partly because you mentioned about being able bodied.
PolyRoleModels: Yeah.
Kitty Chambliss: Physically, I am generally able bodied, but I am an infertility survivor, and I like to be open about that because it is another minority in the world, and I am all about reducing stigmas of any kind.
PolyRoleModels: Yeah, and it does affect your polyamory to some extent.
Kitty Chambliss: It does, you're right. It absolutely does. Yeah.
PolyRoleModels: Alright, well do you have any groups, projects, websites, I know that you do, blogs.
Kitty Chambliss: Yeah.
PolyRoleModels: That you're involved with that you'd like to promote?
Kitty Chambliss: Sure, so my website is lovingwithoutboundaries.com all spelled out, and that's where you can find my blog, and my podcast of the same name. I am also on Twitter @polytalkbykitty. I didn't have the foresight to get Loving Without Boundaries there. I also literally just wrote a book that went live about a week ago, called The Jealousy Survival Guide: How To Feel Safe, Happy And Secure In An Open Relationship. I purposely said the word, "open relationship" since a lot of people don't know the word polyamory.
PolyRoleModels: Yeah.
Kitty Chambliss: That will, right now it is available in the Kindle version, but there is going to be a free promotion from November 1st to November 5th, where you can download the book for free, and there will also be a print version soon. I just need to lay it out.
PolyRoleModels: Awesome, awesome. I can't wait to promote for it.
Kitty Chambliss: I also will be at Beyond Love in Columbus, Ohio, December 1st through the 3rd.
PolyRoleModels: Okay.
Kitty Chambliss: I'll be attending. I won't be speaking. But it's a great event, if anyone ... So I'm happy to promote that as well.
PolyRoleModels: Yeah, I always hear really good things about it.
Kitty Chambliss: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah.
PolyRoleModels: Alright. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for taking your time, making the time to be a part of PolyRoleModels.
Kitty Chambliss: Thank you. I've loved every minute of it. I love talking to you, and getting to know you. So thank you for that.
PolyRoleModels: Yeah. I'm glad I could show up in your work, as well as you've shown up in mine.
Kitty Chambliss: Absolutely, I love collaboration, so we can do it again some time.
PolyRoleModels: Awesome, awesome.
—
Support Inclusive Polyamorous Representation at https://www.patreon.com/PolyRoleModels
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Cristina, Mark and Kieran: A MESS
i´m just gonna rant rn, feel free to ignore it.
I still don’t understand why cassandra is trying to push this forced pseudo-poly ship as canon and endgame, when it’s pretty clear is not healthy and credibe at all.
i think by now, we ALL can agree that kieran is one of cassandra’s favorite characters in TDA (if you still haven’t noticed, you just have to look at all the bad developed attempts to redeem him in LoS lol) and we also know that she loves M/M ships, but it´s a known fact that Kierark as a relationship is unhealthy and toxic, Cassandra knows that too, hell, even Mark knows and says it in LoS, then i wonder, why is she still trying to make it happen? and why is she trying to bring Cristina, a great and decent character, into it?
Instead of first trying to fix ALL the problematic issues in this ship (Kierark), she, cassandra, is turning into a Polyamory rs to make it ~less~ toxic, and to seem cooler and Fake ‘’Progressive” (let’s be honest), when she should use that “screen time” in the last book to:
A) TRY to properly develop Kieran and Kierark into a healthier ship (not only an hypersexualised one for the Aesthetics™) and ACTUALLY fix their problems (not adding people as an excuse to “Balance them out” lmao, in a real poly rs, or any relationship for that matter, no one should be USED to blance someone out, you are the one who have to fix your own problems and NOT use your partner or partners as your therapist or pretend that people have to put up with your bs bc you are ~broken~ or have been hurted or abused in the past). Or
B) Keep going with Marktina, an actual potentially healthy relathionship, Which has plenty of representation too, and doesn´t need another partner to make it ~less~ heterosexual or to validate Mark’s bisexuality.
And if you are one of those thinking like “Why choose between one of those, if we can have a “super mega ship” as kierarktina?
Well , if you are able to move past all the flaws, unhealthiness and too convenient OOC behaviors through the book: Cristina is kind and compassionate, yes, we know that, but she doesn’t trust people that easily, but she is trusting kieran??someone who is not really trustworthy (at least at first)?? and suddenly being ~sexually~atracted to him??and all of that OUT OF NOWHERE with no explanation. What about the “i do not want a body without a heart’’ in lady midnight??. Also, she was just in a relationship with diego, and after the whole engagement situation she realized that she wasn´t really in love with him, plus her confusion about her feelings for mark, she had a lot to deal with already.... and now having feelings for kieran too??and jumping in a poly rs?? CC, give the girl a break please. I have a feeling she just doesn´t know what to do with cristina, so she is using her into her m/m ship to give her some “relevance”, though cristina can be perfectly relevant by herself (she doesn’t need a rs)
Kieran being okay with sharing mark’s love when he was SUPER possesive and jealous of everybody around mark (Bitter of tongue, Lady Midnight) and telling him that he should be the only one in his heart and not wanting him to go back to his family and refusing to listen to him (Lottery party scene) and NOW they both (Cristina and kieran) falling in love with each other?? really?? that’s impossible, or maybe not impossible, but not credible.
It would be more productive to make a great and maningful “love story” with one of those couples than make the three of them be together so people don’t get mad or to have “representation” , even tho that representation makes the whole arc seems forced. I think a polyamory rs would have worked for characters like Tessa, Will, and Jem, people that loved each other unconditionally, they wanted the best for each other even if that meant putting their own happiness aside. And cristina, mark and kieran are not like that, they still don’t know or love each other like that, they may feel “atraction” or desire but love is a different thing and to PROPERLY develop it into a poly rs through one last book in which there is plenty of other arcs to tell?
Btw, I’m sorry for any grammatical mistake or the poor vocabulary, english is not my native language.
*And, this is not an attempt to attack Cassandra or anyone, it´s just my opinion, i love her books, but i still can criticize some things that seem off to me.
#lord of shadows#TDA#the dark artifices#Cristina Rosales#mark blackthorn#kieran of the hunt#Marktina#queen of air and darkness#LoS#los spoilers#qoaad#Kierark#Kieraktina#kierarktina#Rosethorn#lady midnight#kieran#OT3#black rose triad#cassandra clare#rop
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Sexism Is A Problem In The Polyamorous Community, Too
New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/love/sexism-is-a-problem-in-the-polyamorous-community-too/
Sexism Is A Problem In The Polyamorous Community, Too
Some polyamorous men claim they want equality, yet their rules for women say otherwise.
The morning after a date, Hannah* woke up with what she described as “all the feelings.” She and Greg* had met the night before for scotch and cigars. She had dressed up in an “uber-feminine” outfit, even painting her nails to match her purse. The night had been fun and sexy. But even though she was excited about how well she and Greg clicked, she was uncertain about what would happen, because Greg already had a primary partner—his wife. While Hannah had been in polyamorous relationships before, she had never dated someone with a primary partner.
A self-proclaimed “relationship anarchist,” Hannah was worried that being with someone who already had a primary partner would leave her feeling lonely or unimportant. That had been a problem in her previous relationships, even monogamous ones, and she wondered if it could be avoided when more than one person was involved. But more than a year later, Hannah and Greg are still happily together. They are constantly in contact, often by text, and are devoted to addressing any insecurities the other has. She has met and likes his wife, and the two sometimes talk independently of Greg. Both partners agree the keys to their successful relationship are communication and respect.
While Hannah and Greg’s relationship is deliberately egalitarian, some polyamorous relationships do not fit that description. Instead of being feminist, they are sexist, and even sometimes regressive and misogynist.
“The difficult thing about alternative lifestyles in general is that they tend to be easy places for shady characters to hide,” Diana* said. An advocate of what she calls “compassionate communication,” Diana has been in a polyamorous relationship for four years and has happily embraced the lifestyle. She and her partner (whom she refers to as a “nesting” partner to remove some of the implications of the word “primary”) do not have any rules or veto power in their relationships. But she has observed dynamics that, perhaps unintentionally, treat women like commodities. Some of those dynamics, she theorized, might result from heterosexual men having fewer choices in the polyamorous community than bisexual women and thus imposing rules in their relationships in order to feel control or power. They can also result from misunderstandings about what being polyamorous involves.
“Sometimes the misconception is, ‘Yeah, I totally want to be poly because I want to have sex with all the people. Sign me up,’” Diana said. “This is a situation of know thyself. You’ve got to know your boundaries, your bandwidth, how much time and energy you have, how much alone time you want. ‘Do you have a desire to live with one partner?’ There are questions to ask yourself other than, ‘Do I want to f**k a lot of people?’ Because the answer’s always going to be yes to that one. When you get into the nitty gritty, what does this stuff actually mean to you?”
The desire for multiple partners can motivate some people to enter into polyamorous relationships, but if a partner desires the same freedom, and the other doesn’t support that, problems can arise—something Diana has occasionally witnessed online as well as in her local community.
“A lot of men approach consensual non-monogamy thinking about how much fun they will have having multiple lovers,” said Elisabeth Sheff, the author of several books on polyamory. “I would encourage them to also think about their partners having other lovers. That’s a deep part of true consensual non-monogamy of that variety. [If] you’re full of glee and erections when you’re thinking about having sex with other people yourself, but the instant you think about your partner having sex with someone else you get all pissed off and jealous and freaked out and really upset—then deal with that before attempting non-monogamy. Otherwise you’re expecting your female partner to do all of this emotional labor for you to have this sexual playground.”
Tackling the One-Penis Policy
An often-seen method in which male dominance is enforced in polyamorous relationships is the “one penis policy.” In a partnership typically between a heterosexual man and a bisexual woman, both are free to have other female partners, but the woman is not permitted to have relationships with other men. If enforced by one partner, rather than chosen by both, the policy is often seen as sexist, and a reflection of regressive patriarchal thinking by many—a contrast to the egalitarian goals of polyamory.
“Polyamory is a relationship style that—at least in theory—provides equality and freedom for everyone, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, or any other potentially stratifying factor,” Sheff wrote in Psychology Today. “Gender parity is key in polyamory and one of the primary distinguishing features that differentiates polyamory from more traditional or androcentric forms of consensual non-monogamy like polygyny.”
“I have definitely seen a lot of situations where people have the OPP. It makes me really angry, to be quite honest,” Hannah said. “That’s not fair. You get to have all the stuff that you want, and why shouldn’t they?”
As a blogger called the Polyamorous Misanthrope wrote, “To put it bluntly, why is it the woman’s responsibility to face culturally programmed insecurities and not the man’s?”
Western culture has a long history of viewing of a woman’s sexuality through the male lens, Sheff said in an interview with AlterNet. “Women are viewed as sexual creatures on behest of men. Everybody from Freud certainly saw women’s sexuality as derivative of men and not at all focused on the women themselves.”
Citing Lisa Diamond’s Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire, as well as The Hite Report, Sheff said female sexuality has been proven to be much more fluid than male sexuality.
“You’re going to see a lot of problems and defects when you look at women’s sexuality from a male perspective. It’s going to be very problematic,” she said. “But women have not generally had their sexuality on their terms. Certainly not until they had easy access to reliable birth control, which is less than 50 years ago for most people. Some women still don’t have access to that, and given the power dynamics and economic inequality women still have, it’s not like they have ultimate access to their reproductive identity anyway.”
Diana, who has seen couples engaging in the one-penis policy in a prescriptive manner, said she often questions the motives of the men in the relationship, even if they think their intentions are loving.
“It may be coming from a very genuine place: ‘I don’t want to share your heart with anybody else,’” Diana reflected. She mentioned the one-penis policy’s evil twin: the one-vagina policy. “I would never be a part of that kind of arrangement. I try very hard not to be judgmental of people who genuinely desire that, and as far as I’m concerned, if every person who is involved in that relationship is genuinely happy with that arrangement, then great, awesome. As long as no one is being manipulated into that kind of arrangement, or coerced. To me, saying, ‘We can totally be poly and you get to date as many women as you want and so do I, but I don’t want any more men in this relationship and if you want to date another guy, you’re totally free to do that but I’ll break up with you’—to me, that’s coercive. It’s implying you’re free to go, but it’s an emotional ultimatum: Do I what I want, or I’ll leave you.”
The one-penis policy (also known as one-dick dominant) is not a method Greg agrees with, crediting it to male insecurity. He said a common scenario regarding the policy is a straight man in a relationship with a bisexual female who wants her to seek other women and have sex with both of them.
“It’s an awful situation… If you want open range on who you can see out of everyone you’re interested in, so should everyone else. I see it often, and if there’s anybody involved that I care about, I will point it out to them,” he said.
Diana said she isn’t able to understand why men who seek polyamory frequently engage in relationships with monogamous women, and finds herself wondering about their motives.
“I always say, question who you’re attracted to,” Diana said. “And if you seem really attracted to a lot of monogamous people but you want polyamory, you’ve got to ask yourself some questions. And if, at the heart of it, you want a bunch of women who are going to fight over you, who do you think you’re going to date? You’re not going to date a bunch of poly women. You’re going to bring new monogamous women into the community and watch them struggle with their own emotions.”
“I’ve definitely seen the men on the make and women’s reactions to them,” Sheff said. “I think it really depends on how they do it—how many women there are for them to choose from, how big the pool of potential partners is. Can they spread themselves around so people don’t get completely sick of them? Sometimes if they’re charismatic, they can collect themselves a little harem of women who are wowed by them and either come right out and say, ‘You’re not allowed to date other men,’ or not say that and say, ‘Oh, sure, date other people,’ but then have all these weird manipulative rules that make it so they can’t really date other men.”
Confronting Abuse
A popular misconception of polyamory is that people are simply seeking multiple partners—a misunderstanding Hannah has witnessed as well.
“[From] what I’ve seen and heard from people who are not in the community, there’s this assumption that people are just waiting to sleep around and there are people who want to do that and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as that’s what they’re saying,” Hannah said. “But the poly thing is about relationships.”
“I’ve found that especially men are becoming more aware,” she continued. “I think there’s a lot of people out there with good intentions. But they have deep-seated patriarchal and misogynistic ideals that they don’t necessarily recognize they have.”
Hannah encountered those ideals herself, when dating a man who told her he would be more jealous if she dated another woman than if she dated another man. His reason, he said, was that a woman could offer sexual experiences he was unable to provide.
Manifesting in sexual relationships, this dynamic has also contributed to some abusive relationships. It can be difficult, Diana said, to determine if abuse has taken place in the polyamorous community, because of varying experiences among multiple partners. While a partner may be abusive to one person, he may not have abused others. When a person has been banned from certain parties, people often do not bring charges because the fear they won’t believed or their statement alone is not enough is a common feeling among victims.
“There’s been an ongoing discussion about, how do we keep each other safer from violations? How do we listen to victims of assault?” Diana said. “How do we make sure that you’re looking for enthusiastic consent always in everything you do? Sometimes that translates to over-asking. But good on men for at least being aware to ask than not.”
“Some women in polyamorous relationships have little to no power. And some women in monogamous relationships have very much power,” Sheff said. “But with the sexual double-standard giving men implicit permission to have multiple partners but women none, to actually have a social setting where women have explicit permission at least evens the playing field.”
Evening up the playing field, so all relationships are fulfilled, is the goal.
*Names have been changed to protect privacy.
Carey Purcell is a New York-based writer and editor.
This originally appeared on Alternet. Republished here with permission.
Other Links:
The Uplifting Story Of Putting Down Our Dog
How ‘The Broken Hearts Club’ Changed My Life
I’m Done Being A ‘Good Girl’
The post Sexism Is A Problem In The Polyamorous Community, Too appeared first on Role Reboot.
0 notes
Text
Sexism Is A Problem In The Polyamorous Community, Too
New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/love/sexism-is-a-problem-in-the-polyamorous-community-too/
Sexism Is A Problem In The Polyamorous Community, Too
Some polyamorous men claim they want equality, yet their rules for women say otherwise.
The morning after a date, Hannah* woke up with what she described as “all the feelings.” She and Greg* had met the night before for scotch and cigars. She had dressed up in an “uber-feminine” outfit, even painting her nails to match her purse. The night had been fun and sexy. But even though she was excited about how well she and Greg clicked, she was uncertain about what would happen, because Greg already had a primary partner—his wife. While Hannah had been in polyamorous relationships before, she had never dated someone with a primary partner.
A self-proclaimed “relationship anarchist,” Hannah was worried that being with someone who already had a primary partner would leave her feeling lonely or unimportant. That had been a problem in her previous relationships, even monogamous ones, and she wondered if it could be avoided when more than one person was involved. But more than a year later, Hannah and Greg are still happily together. They are constantly in contact, often by text, and are devoted to addressing any insecurities the other has. She has met and likes his wife, and the two sometimes talk independently of Greg. Both partners agree the keys to their successful relationship are communication and respect.
While Hannah and Greg’s relationship is deliberately egalitarian, some polyamorous relationships do not fit that description. Instead of being feminist, they are sexist, and even sometimes regressive and misogynist.
“The difficult thing about alternative lifestyles in general is that they tend to be easy places for shady characters to hide,” Diana* said. An advocate of what she calls “compassionate communication,” Diana has been in a polyamorous relationship for four years and has happily embraced the lifestyle. She and her partner (whom she refers to as a “nesting” partner to remove some of the implications of the word “primary”) do not have any rules or veto power in their relationships. But she has observed dynamics that, perhaps unintentionally, treat women like commodities. Some of those dynamics, she theorized, might result from heterosexual men having fewer choices in the polyamorous community than bisexual women and thus imposing rules in their relationships in order to feel control or power. They can also result from misunderstandings about what being polyamorous involves.
“Sometimes the misconception is, ‘Yeah, I totally want to be poly because I want to have sex with all the people. Sign me up,’” Diana said. “This is a situation of know thyself. You’ve got to know your boundaries, your bandwidth, how much time and energy you have, how much alone time you want. ‘Do you have a desire to live with one partner?’ There are questions to ask yourself other than, ‘Do I want to f**k a lot of people?’ Because the answer’s always going to be yes to that one. When you get into the nitty gritty, what does this stuff actually mean to you?”
The desire for multiple partners can motivate some people to enter into polyamorous relationships, but if a partner desires the same freedom, and the other doesn’t support that, problems can arise—something Diana has occasionally witnessed online as well as in her local community.
“A lot of men approach consensual non-monogamy thinking about how much fun they will have having multiple lovers,” said Elisabeth Sheff, the author of several books on polyamory. “I would encourage them to also think about their partners having other lovers. That’s a deep part of true consensual non-monogamy of that variety. [If] you’re full of glee and erections when you’re thinking about having sex with other people yourself, but the instant you think about your partner having sex with someone else you get all pissed off and jealous and freaked out and really upset—then deal with that before attempting non-monogamy. Otherwise you’re expecting your female partner to do all of this emotional labor for you to have this sexual playground.”
Tackling the One-Penis Policy
An often-seen method in which male dominance is enforced in polyamorous relationships is the “one penis policy.” In a partnership typically between a heterosexual man and a bisexual woman, both are free to have other female partners, but the woman is not permitted to have relationships with other men. If enforced by one partner, rather than chosen by both, the policy is often seen as sexist, and a reflection of regressive patriarchal thinking by many—a contrast to the egalitarian goals of polyamory.
“Polyamory is a relationship style that—at least in theory—provides equality and freedom for everyone, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, or any other potentially stratifying factor,” Sheff wrote in Psychology Today. “Gender parity is key in polyamory and one of the primary distinguishing features that differentiates polyamory from more traditional or androcentric forms of consensual non-monogamy like polygyny.”
“I have definitely seen a lot of situations where people have the OPP. It makes me really angry, to be quite honest,” Hannah said. “That’s not fair. You get to have all the stuff that you want, and why shouldn’t they?”
As a blogger called the Polyamorous Misanthrope wrote, “To put it bluntly, why is it the woman’s responsibility to face culturally programmed insecurities and not the man’s?”
Western culture has a long history of viewing of a woman’s sexuality through the male lens, Sheff said in an interview with AlterNet. “Women are viewed as sexual creatures on behest of men. Everybody from Freud certainly saw women’s sexuality as derivative of men and not at all focused on the women themselves.”
Citing Lisa Diamond’s Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire, as well as The Hite Report, Sheff said female sexuality has been proven to be much more fluid than male sexuality.
“You’re going to see a lot of problems and defects when you look at women’s sexuality from a male perspective. It’s going to be very problematic,” she said. “But women have not generally had their sexuality on their terms. Certainly not until they had easy access to reliable birth control, which is less than 50 years ago for most people. Some women still don’t have access to that, and given the power dynamics and economic inequality women still have, it’s not like they have ultimate access to their reproductive identity anyway.”
Diana, who has seen couples engaging in the one-penis policy in a prescriptive manner, said she often questions the motives of the men in the relationship, even if they think their intentions are loving.
“It may be coming from a very genuine place: ‘I don’t want to share your heart with anybody else,’” Diana reflected. She mentioned the one-penis policy’s evil twin: the one-vagina policy. “I would never be a part of that kind of arrangement. I try very hard not to be judgmental of people who genuinely desire that, and as far as I’m concerned, if every person who is involved in that relationship is genuinely happy with that arrangement, then great, awesome. As long as no one is being manipulated into that kind of arrangement, or coerced. To me, saying, ‘We can totally be poly and you get to date as many women as you want and so do I, but I don’t want any more men in this relationship and if you want to date another guy, you’re totally free to do that but I’ll break up with you’—to me, that’s coercive. It’s implying you’re free to go, but it’s an emotional ultimatum: Do I what I want, or I’ll leave you.”
The one-penis policy (also known as one-dick dominant) is not a method Greg agrees with, crediting it to male insecurity. He said a common scenario regarding the policy is a straight man in a relationship with a bisexual female who wants her to seek other women and have sex with both of them.
“It’s an awful situation… If you want open range on who you can see out of everyone you’re interested in, so should everyone else. I see it often, and if there’s anybody involved that I care about, I will point it out to them,” he said.
Diana said she isn’t able to understand why men who seek polyamory frequently engage in relationships with monogamous women, and finds herself wondering about their motives.
“I always say, question who you’re attracted to,” Diana said. “And if you seem really attracted to a lot of monogamous people but you want polyamory, you’ve got to ask yourself some questions. And if, at the heart of it, you want a bunch of women who are going to fight over you, who do you think you’re going to date? You’re not going to date a bunch of poly women. You’re going to bring new monogamous women into the community and watch them struggle with their own emotions.”
“I’ve definitely seen the men on the make and women’s reactions to them,” Sheff said. “I think it really depends on how they do it—how many women there are for them to choose from, how big the pool of potential partners is. Can they spread themselves around so people don’t get completely sick of them? Sometimes if they’re charismatic, they can collect themselves a little harem of women who are wowed by them and either come right out and say, ‘You’re not allowed to date other men,’ or not say that and say, ‘Oh, sure, date other people,’ but then have all these weird manipulative rules that make it so they can’t really date other men.”
Confronting Abuse
A popular misconception of polyamory is that people are simply seeking multiple partners—a misunderstanding Hannah has witnessed as well.
“[From] what I’ve seen and heard from people who are not in the community, there’s this assumption that people are just waiting to sleep around and there are people who want to do that and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as that’s what they’re saying,” Hannah said. “But the poly thing is about relationships.”
“I’ve found that especially men are becoming more aware,” she continued. “I think there’s a lot of people out there with good intentions. But they have deep-seated patriarchal and misogynistic ideals that they don’t necessarily recognize they have.”
Hannah encountered those ideals herself, when dating a man who told her he would be more jealous if she dated another woman than if she dated another man. His reason, he said, was that a woman could offer sexual experiences he was unable to provide.
Manifesting in sexual relationships, this dynamic has also contributed to some abusive relationships. It can be difficult, Diana said, to determine if abuse has taken place in the polyamorous community, because of varying experiences among multiple partners. While a partner may be abusive to one person, he may not have abused others. When a person has been banned from certain parties, people often do not bring charges because the fear they won’t believed or their statement alone is not enough is a common feeling among victims.
“There’s been an ongoing discussion about, how do we keep each other safer from violations? How do we listen to victims of assault?” Diana said. “How do we make sure that you’re looking for enthusiastic consent always in everything you do? Sometimes that translates to over-asking. But good on men for at least being aware to ask than not.”
“Some women in polyamorous relationships have little to no power. And some women in monogamous relationships have very much power,” Sheff said. “But with the sexual double-standard giving men implicit permission to have multiple partners but women none, to actually have a social setting where women have explicit permission at least evens the playing field.”
Evening up the playing field, so all relationships are fulfilled, is the goal.
*Names have been changed to protect privacy.
Carey Purcell is a New York-based writer and editor.
This originally appeared on Alternet. Republished here with permission.
Other Links:
The Uplifting Story Of Putting Down Our Dog
How ‘The Broken Hearts Club’ Changed My Life
I’m Done Being A ‘Good Girl’
The post Sexism Is A Problem In The Polyamorous Community, Too appeared first on Role Reboot.
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