#but also all of this ^^^ shouldn't even fucking MATTER right now because i'm struggling enough with college prep and trying to cope
genuinely just want to lay in bed and cry all the time as of late but you know i can’t just like Do that so i need to find some form of outlet for this
edit: i did not expect the tags to be this long, sorry for that
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hello can i request dazai, kunikida, and fyodor with an insomniac s/o who's really tired after a busy day but can't seem to fall asleep no matter what and gets frustrated bc of it
"Can't sleep?"
♡ pairing: Dazai Osamu, Doppo Kunikida, Fyodor Dostoyevsky x gn!Reader
♡ synopsis: How do they help their S/O with insomnia get to sleep?
♡ cw: Reader is an insomniac (I genuinely don't know how that would manifest itself as a trigger but hey! I'm just one person in a sheltered world. Stay safe everyone <3), probably super inaccurate because I myself am not an insomniac and don't really know everything about it, Dazai horny, mentions of taking medication, mentions of alcohol, swearing
note: I feel like garbage cus my writing takes forever and I feel like I'm letting y'all down for taking so long with reqs, but I don't know what to do to fix itttttttt. Apologies for errors and I hope you enjoy x
Dazai:
Well reader. You're lucky you cuffed yourself a night owl
He'll help you calm down from your frustration and tell you that it's fully normal. Everyone has trouble falling asleep, and you just haven't figured out an effective routine yet. He doesn't really know what he's talking about but if it makes you feel better then meh
His first suggestion would probably be sex, to tire you out. Even better if you go for multiple rounds just to be sure~
Yeah right Dazai, like anyone's gonna wanna fuck every single work night (besides him lmao). Safe to say, the idea is thrown out pretty quickly
He'll throw some similar ideas around (not necessarily sexual but certainly 'if they're tired out then they'll fall asleep faster') but those are all just temporary solutions, so he gives up quickly. What else did you expect from him?
He might also suggest drinking yourself to sleep since alcohol is a depressant and makes you tired. You have to remind him that excessive drinking is actually not good for you and should NOT be used as a substitute for sleep meds
He reckons that it's best for you two to let sleep overtake you naturally, and so you may as well just stay up for now.
From then on Dazai treats every single night like a sleepover. He'll wanna watch movies, eat snacks, and talk all night even if it's a work night and you absolutely shouldn't do that
If you want, he's happy to do something more chill like cuddling while sharing a pair of earphones playing mellow music
Whatever it is that the pair of you decide to do, he'll likely find that it helps him just as much, maybe even more, than it helps you. And he's grateful for that
Kunikida:
I feel like Kunikida also has at least mild insomnia, so he knows just how you feel and is right there to help you out
He's got it all ready. Fans/blankets to balance out the room's temperature, a warm drink (milk, tea, whatever you prefer), basically all the stuff Google would suggest
He would do all of that stuff alongside you even if he's already tired enough to fall asleep on his own because he understands the struggle. He doesn't give up until you're asleep and honestly get you a man who would also do that
He also discourages you from things like caffeine before bed or napping during the day to help you get more sleep at night
He'd make a whole new bedtime routine for the two of you and adjust it based on what works, it'd be like a whole thing that he takes super seriously
He'd suggest reading before bed and recommend/lend you books that he likes, and also read to you if you really pleaded for it. He really enjoys reading and he would be thrilled if the pair of you had a little thing you did together <3
If they don't give any side effects/react poorly with any meds you may already take then he would also give you some of his sleeping pills (because let's be real he's fully stocked with them. this man)
Kunikida would let you cuddle him in your sleep whether or not he likes it or it makes him sweat, because let's face it you need the sleep and he needs the physical touch. It's basically a win-win
He gives you permission to wake him up if you can't sleep and need his help, or if you want company in your waking time.
He honestly does whatever it takes to help you because he cares so much about you. Perfect man fr
Fyodor:
Bold of you to assume that Fyodor sleeps. Like ever. He's too busy being evil or something
When he learns that you're an insomniac he's fully willing to let you stay up late with him while he's working if you're in need of company. He doesn't care whether you're just on your phone or reading a book or whatever
If you ask him he'll also let you sit in his lap and cuddle him (as long as you don't bother him- if you do he's sending you right to bed)
Fyodor knows that calming music is a good way to help people sleep, so if you're down he'd be willing to play something mellow and soft on his cello for you
He probably wouldn't admit it but he kinda likes that you find it hard to get to sleep since it gives him an excuse to spend more time with you
But if you really do wanna get to bed then he'll have some tea made for you and he'll read to you. His voice is very relaxing and nice to fall asleep to and he kinda knows it (he's smug about it too because he's a bastard)
If you find that you actually sleep better in his presence then he's more than happy to move a couch into his office and let you sleep there.
He's also happy to forfeit (SOME) work so he can come to bed earlier and help you sleep. And he's also happy to cuddle you because you're warm
Fyodor will basically just help you get to sleep with methods that he uses to get himself to sleep because it's the only way he knows how. Even if it doesn't work please give him credit for trying because he really is trying super hard T-T
taglist~ ♡
@gettinshiggywithit, @fyodorhatr, @flower-of-darkness, @bejeweledgirl, @kokoenjiandco
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ur dad is bzzt wrongo and 1 year is not a lot of HRT time. have some patience
(and increase the dose if necessary, remember that endocrinologists lie to you about the right dosage)
So yeah, I know 1 year is nothing in the whole grand scheme of things. The only reason that became a goal is because it works out very well with my plan for this year, and cleanly fits into my personal life as a point to come out and socially transition. I guess I got it in my head that socially transitioning will be easier if I pass. I don't think it matters much, though. Most of all, boymoding is just killing me, and dysphoria does too.
I know I'll never "fully" pass, and will always be clockable, but you can still be clocky while registering as femme overall. I'm okay with that long term.
My big, BIG hope is that I'll be able to go at least partially stealth by the time I graduate from my PhD and move locations, resetting the people around me. That'll be sometime between 2027 and 2029 most likely, 4-6 years on HRT. That's the big one.
As for doses, my gender care nurse has actively encouraged me to fuck around with doses, and treats her role mostly as an advisor and the person who writes prescriptions. She writes me basically whatever prescription I want, and now that I'm on injections, I'm fucking around a lot with doses. Also I'm kind of responding to the "diy is literally better" person in my inbox, cuz my provider is awesome and straight up encourages me to experiment and understand how to diy if I want to.
After a while on 6mg/day sublingual, I switched to injections. My initial prescribed injection dose was 4mg/week EV, which, based on the transfemme HRT simulator (I know, I know, I don't like it, it gives only vauge approximations and shouldn't be taken as a rule, but its good to think about the ballpark sometimes) should have put me at ~200pg/mL at midpoint, when I was last measured, and ~100pg/mL or higher at trough. Instead, I was at ~120 at midpoint.
In response, my provider said that I could experiment if I was willing to put myself through it. I said yes. I went from 4mg/week to an 8mg injection. That is way over any standard SubQ EV dose. I physically felt it being too high, and I had a few side effects at peak (headache, irritability, cramps, bloat, and stomach problems), so I went down to 7mg, which seems to be fine. I'm going to go down to 6, which is where my provider probably said I'm at, because I know my baseline is increasing at the same time, and I'll be tested again next week. If 6 turns out too low, I'll bump back up to 7 and probably stay there.
I think my body has a weird aversion to hormones of any kind. My T tanked almost instantly, even on low dose sublingual monotherapy, but I've struggled to raise my E even with that. Maybe I just have a very vigilant liver, or shit, I also could be intersex. Whatever it is, my dosages are something I'm very aware of and experimenting with.
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hey, sorry to come out of nowhere with this, feel free to ignore! just wanted to get a bit of perspective on the c3 negativity i've been seeing for so long, which i've tried and failed to avoid and has been bumming me out more than i would like. this is my first campaign, it has brought me so much joy and company, but every time i end up reading a deeply negative take i can't really shake off the feeling that they're actually right, cause some of it makes sense to me and i can't unsee that. i know i'm being paranoid about it and truly setting myself up to be miserable and ruin the whole thing, which at this point i might've already done, but i just get sad wishing i could've had experienced the things everyone raves about (like different pacing and a lot of RP) for this campaign, which i'm so close to. do you think c3 is actually, objectively, worse or shallower than the previous ones? is there truth to the criticism (about it being too plot-driven, about the characters making each other worse and not being a good fit for this story, about the cast not being as into it and so on) or is the internet being the internet, and i should basically touch grass? it's not like i would drop it, honestly, i'm just sad thinking about how this story and these characters could've worked out if the "quality" was the one i keep seeing everyone talk about in regards to c1/c2. i know it's not that deep and it shouldn't matter in the long run, i'm just struggling a bit to not give in to the negativity and wanted to get your take on it, as someone's who's navigated this fandom longer! and again, truly sorry for the unprompted rant and thanks in general for being cool and taking the time to make gifs and recaps :)
you said it's brought you joy and company and it's seeing the negativity that's starting to ruin it, which is, honestly and sadly, a common thing that happens in online fandoms. negativity will bring the mood down regardless, because it just spirals into further misery. personally i stopped looking at fandom opinions and i've been a lot happier ever since! half the stuff you've said in here i've never heard before, that's how off the grid i am now lmao.
to answer your question, no, i don't think c3 is necessarily "worse" because, while people are entitled to their opinion, i think that's such a lazy, basic ass way of looking at it. also i just don't think a dnd game with people who are storytellers for a living can be shallow unless that's their goal, quite frankly. are there aspects of c3 i dislike? of course! but the same is true for all campaigns. there were parts of c2 i thought were very weak, despite the entire internet praising it like the second coming of jesus. there are things i think c3 does better than c2, even. and there are things c1 does better than both c2 and c3, and so on.
do i like that most of the campaign has been bells hells vs. a ticking clock? not really, it does mean certain sacrifices are made. do certain characters get on my last nerve? absolutely (but that's not exclusive to c3 lmao). at the same time though, i get the three women front and centre of the main plot, which has never happened before. i get a laura/marisha character romance after watching them have great chemistry for years. i get c1-level stakes and fantastic female npcs/villains, which c2 was mostly lacking. i get ashley full time (!!!) coming out of her shell and being her best and most chaotic self. and i get SO MUCH of the c1 characters? i'm fucking spoiled if you ask me.
maybe some of the criticism is very real and warranted (again, haven't seen it and don't plan to) but at the end of the day, this isn't my game of dnd or yours or any of the viewers'. we are literally watching other people play an improv game where they're crying one minute and making dick jokes the next, you just have to be along for the ride. going into the campaign with certain expectations is really silly and critiquing it the way you would a tv show just doesn't work. also unless these people are friends with the cast and speaking to them irl, how could they possibly know they aren't enjoying it as much like be serious 💀
i'm gonna be so honest here: idk if the people who are constantly spouting negativity are just miserable, but they sure look it! also stupid! why? because normal people who hate something simply ✨ stop watching and move on ✨. sure, hatewatching can be fun if you and your friends are in someone's living room or discord call shooting the shit, but doing it online day after day after day? honestly i just feel sorry for those people. happy people do not spend their time throwing essays worth of negativity up for the big wide world to see! how do i know this? because i was that person in my teens and i was severely unlikeable!
if you've enjoyed something without the bias of someone else's opinion, then you've enjoyed it! but your opinion can also change as the campaign goes, that can also be true! i would be interested to hear the reasons you loved it initially, because i think you'll find that most of that core stuff is present in all three campaigns.
the recent plot of c3 has been more stressful than any plot in previous campaigns, so understandably people have big feelings. my advice: the block button is your friend but so is the follow button! criticism is healthy, find people who deliver it in a way that's not some whiny entitled baby. letting someone else's opinion influence yours will never make you happy.
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Euthanasia: Aftermath
Characters: Willis Todd, Jason Todd (mentioned), Bruce Wayne (mentioned), Sheila Haywood (mentioned), Joker (Mentioned)
Warnings: Death, violence, implied/referenced torture, Willis loves his son but makes a lot of questionable choices, he also explicitly blames Bruce for Jason's death, this story can be read within the same universe as Spotlight Overture but like WAY in the future
Willis stares blankly at the grave in front of him. The weeping angel looms above, wings relaxed and stone gaze piercing. The word it's holding looks real, almost out of place on a silent mourner. A vigilant protector, a sentry to look after it's charge.
He hopes she's more successful than he was. Than the Bat was.
He's surprised Wayne buried Jason in a public graveyard, but maybe he shouldn't be. Men like him don't react well to failure. Why would he want a reminder in his backyard?
Willis would scoff, but he's here to pay respects, and his little boy deserves better. Slowly, he reins in the cold anger simmering in his gut, the grief settling cold and heavy on his skin like mid morning fog.
"Hey kiddo," his voice is gruff but he doesn't care, he's honestly impressed he can speak at all around the lump in his throat, "it's been a while." What's it been, six years? Seven? He'd like to say he's been counting the seconds, but mostly it's been a struggle to make it to the next day.
Jason was supposed to be safe. He'd been content to never see his son again, as long as he was being taken care of. Jason wasn't supposed to die anyway.
He'd had so much ahead of him. School, and college, and marriage, and kids and whatever else he damn well pleased because he was a Wayne, and Wayne's always got what they wanted.
It's not a Wayne's name on the grave. This is the resting place of Jason Todd, and Todd's have always had rotten luck.
He avoids making eye contact with the grave next to Jason's, the tall headstone with the little cherubs carved into it. Sheila was no mother, no matter what that plaque says. He knows two wrongs don't make a right, but when he held Jason in his arms the first time he'd been sure his boy was the exception.
And Jason was. Smart, and witty, and sweet, and brave. Maybe if he'd been born somewhere else, to someone else, he'd have had a little more time.
Willis doesn't notice when he sinks to his knees. Doesn't care about the mud staining his pants or the rain drops starting to beat down on his worn leather jacket. He traces the letters of his boy's name with numb fingers.
"...Cathy said you were named after a hero." He tells Jason absently. "Did you know Jason means healer? You...you told me you wanted to be a doctor once. And you always made sure we kept the first aid kit full, even when the cabinets were empty. And you'd stay up late even on school nights for me to come home so you could put dinosaur bandaids on all my little cuts and bruises." His voice breaks on a wheeze and his vision blurs.
"Oh my sweet boy," he chokes on a sob, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry m'sorrym'sorry-"
He wonders, distantly, who it was Jason called for. Who he considered his dad when he took his last breath.
Wonders who Jason would be more disappointed in, if he could see both of the fucking idiots he'd trusted now.
If he were a good man he'd say he was equally to blame, that he doesn't resent Bruce Wayne, that he doesn't care who the last person Jason thought about was as long as it brought him comfort.
Most would say that he is stubborn, vengeful, and possessive. He wouldn't argue with them. Wayne had possibly the easiest kid to take care of in the world, and had still fucked it up. Wayne had all the means to take care of Jason, and yet Willis is kneeling at his son's grave. His son. His little boy. The baby he'd held in his arms, the toddler he'd helped walk, the kid he helped with homework, and took on fishing trips. The boy he taught how to fix a car and throw a punch.
He loves Jason. Has always loved him, probably won't ever stop until he's in the ground right beside him.
But there is a debt to be paid. A life lost is a life owed. The Alley has rules, and Willis although Willis has never been good with those, this is one he wouldn't hesitate with.
The clowns back in Arkham, cheerfully locked away with hands drenched in Jason's blood. The Bat will not protect it from him. Willis will hunt it down and repay every blow tenfold.
He unzips the duffel bag at his side, digging around until under autopsy reports and bolt cutters he finds the tool he's looking for. The crowbar is long, a little rusted but sturdy. More than good enough for this job, he decides, gripping it loosely.
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this is going to be a bit of a ramble but re: the way people respond to transmascs on HRT, the mocking of the effects of T, telling transmascs "sorry if you didn't want to be ugly you shouldn't have transitioned" type of shit, etc.
it just. hurts. not just because our bodies are being insulted, but because it seems like no matter what we're viewed through a lens of sexuality that removes our autonomy, even within the queer/trans community. Growing up in my body i was sexualized against my will for features that i never wanted, AND degraded for not trying to become even more "sexy" or aesthetically pleasing.
Then when people like me go on T to craft our bodies into something that feels right, aligns with our true selves, transphobes tell us we're ruining our "beauty" and mourn for the loss of a fuckable "woman", reduce us to a body without autonomy, existing only for the aesthetic and sexual pleasure of others- but then other trans people do the same damn thing. tell us we're giving up being beautiful, that we're ugly now and if you wanted to be attractive you shouldn't go on T, it's the same shit that strips us of our autonomy and reduces us to how attractive we are to other people. it hurts. it's not true. but it seems to happen without pushback so fucking often, from every fucking angle.
I just want to be viewed as a person exercising my autonomy to be who I want to be without being reduced to the aesthetic/sexual value I have or don't have to others.
Yeah. This. Just all of this.
Also I don't think it's crazy for trans men and transmascs to want to be beautiful. I'm sure cis men struggle just as much if they start to experience male pattern baldness, even if they already knew it was coming.
Hell, I'm sure even people who aren't men and experience this aren't fucking happy to hear baldness be described as a punishment. Be it cis women or trans women or nonbinary people, etc.
But with trans men and transmascs* it's like people think we asked for it, so we should suffer in silence or go back to being women.
*I put the asterisk because I see mostly people racking on transmascs specifically when it comes to this.
And I don't know if it's because they think transmasc is the spectrum and trans men is one end of it, or if they think saying transmascs will make it sound less bad.
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"why are you even talking about this when we have bigger problems?" applies to stuff like people saying bi lesbians aren't valid or how you can't be both transmasc and transfem at the same time because doing exclusionism and gatekeeping in times of trans genocide situation is silly and actually helps the bigots
but it does NOT apply to nonbinary people disliking the fact that we have to do safety maths on whether to assert our name, pronouns, identity etc, because that is literally a symptom of trans genocide
nonbinary people and all trans people should have the right to be ourselves authentically, safely at all times. it fucking matters if we have to choose between asserting our gender and risk getting attacked or if we basically have to recloset ourselves. both of these outcomes is what they want and both of these outcomes might end deadly and HAVE ended deadly.
nonbinary people having to compromise on our genders and no longer talking about how it hurts isn't gonna make trans genocide away, it is literally the trans genocide already happening because we know what recloseting and not having one's gender affirmed does to trans people.
they want us gone, either they'll kill us theirselves or they'll make it so unsafe for us that we go back into the closet and kill our fucking selves
and the fact that there are some trans people out there who are convinced that "pronouns aren't important right now" just means that the bigots partially got their way in pitting us against each other
completely giving up on asserting your identity anywhere because it's unsafe is literally basically forced detransition, even if it's "just social".
socially transitioning saves lives. but it can also get us killed.
trans people being unable to be themselves is literally what they want. none of this has ever only been about binary trans people or about trans people who medically transition. this has always been an attack on all of us.
this is again one of those things that's thrown disproportionately at nonbinary people, especially those who don't medically transition, as if our transition doesn't matter. it's like they treat social transition as only part of a whole when for many of us, a full transition is a social transition and nothing else. it's not like they're not attacking social transition anyway but it's always seen as a "kids' thing" because it mainly happens at schools or in transmisic homes and they can't exactly tell grown adults what name they can go by. people think the attack on and attitude toward social transition only affects trans kids and attack on medical transition is the only thing that affects trans adults, when even trans adults are harmed for socially transitioning and asserting their gender, even if there are no legal restrictions in place. it's simply the societal attitude.
it also doesn't help the fact that it kind of paints only transitioning socially as a childish thing when it's done by adults, or frames people as baby trans for not medically transitioning. like i don't need people who've been out half as long as me that i'm not really trans or that i'm still growing into it or whatever just because they're on HRT and i'm not.
there is no transition hierarchy or at least there shouldn't be one. cis people already tell us enough that being nonbinary and/or not medically transitioning isn't "committing enough" and we don't need other trans people telling us the same thing or how our struggles don't matter.
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I am sick of The Hardys, especially Jeff
I never thought I'd even have to make this post, but the recent comments Matt and Jeff made, I just can't anymore. I am done with them.
Jeff Hardy says he feels like a ghost in AEW
"When I first came back (to AEW), it was pretty exciting. I didn’t know what was going to be happening in the near future, but I think the last time I was in this extreme dimension of y’all’s podcast, I said that in WWE, I felt like I was a ghost, just walking around backstage. Honestly, man, I kind of still feel like that at AEW, just because of not being involved in something cool. I feel like there’s something so special that we (Jeff and Matt) have within us to really bring out."
I love Jeff Hardy, but I'm just tired of him at this point. I have no sympathy for him whatsoever. He fucked up time and time again and he wonders why he's lost in the shuffle in AEW.
Maybe you shouldn't have driven intoxicated again right after getting signed. Tony Khan was going to give you guys the Tag Titles, but no, in usual Jeff fucking Hardy fashion, you fucked up.
Jeff immediately showed that he can't be trusted beyond doing jobs in the lower-midcard. Jeff Hardy has no one to blame but himself.
Jeff Hardy was primed for a main event spot against Roman at the Royal Rumble and was promised a Hall Of Fame Induction, but then Jeff pulled that house show stunt and flushed a career down the toilet.
And before anyone comes at me with the "Jeff would've lost" he was booked strong and he fucked up anyway.
Then even after he fucked up, WWE offer him a hof spot, probably similar to Rey Mysterio role now and dude declined it. I never understood his “ghost” comment about the wwe because they clearly had huge plans for him either way.
I’ve got no sympathy left for Jeff at this point for multiple reasons, most of all for his continued determination to drive intoxicated and put him and others in danger. It's only a matter of time before Jeff becomes the next Tammy Sytch.
I just don’t know more what more Jeff could have wanted at this stage in his career. What is he expecting? He should feel extremely lucky to even be given chance after chance despite being a washed up criminal.
I know he likes to pride himself on being a creative guy. Well, work on your music and art to get your creative fix and just be glad you are still getting a paycheck
I'm just done with Jeff Hardy at this point. I can sympathize with someone suffering an addiction and I want that person to get the help they need, but Jeff has shown time and time again he doesn't want to get help and I am done feeling sorry for Jeff Hardy.
Jeff, I say this as a fan who grew up loving you. I say this as someone who broke down in tears of joy when you finally won the WWE Championship. I say this as someone who was willing to give you another chance after Victory Road. You are all the things that are wrong with you. It’s not the alcohol, or the drugs or any of the shitty things that happened to you in your career or when you were a kid. It’s you. All right? It’s you. Fuck, man. What else is there to say?
And let's go to Matt.
Matt Hardy talks about recent frustrations: I’ll say, just creatively like just the way we’ve been utilised, like the last four months, it’s been very frustrating. We’ve been very patient but there has been a lot of frustration with things we’ve done and kind of how we’ve been utilised in some ways.
Okay Matt. You can barely walk to the ring and your brother can't be trusted. You don't have any interesting character to make up for that fact. You might as well go Broken again. What do you want them to do with you.
Matt wants to put younger talent over and that’s both admirable and a good perspective on what his job should be if he wants to wrestle. But also he can barely walk and his brother can’t be trusted to be in any sort of long-term program due to his struggles with sobriety. I don’t know what you can reasonably do with the Hardy’s at this point, and that’s a bummer.
A Hardy compound crazy match every year as long as they can keep up with the cinematic stuff and I'm content. Hell a Hardys vs Copeland and Cage in a Hardy Compound match would be great, but that would never happen because Matt can barely walk and no one will ever trust Jeff Hardy with a prime spot again.
The Hardys were what got me emotionally invested in Tag Team wrestling, now they are broken shells of their former selves trying so hard to stay in the spotlight. Now I want nothing to do with them and I actually do not want to see them in AEW, I would rather see Private Party get an actual tag run.
Just a reminder that the Hardy’s were scheduled to WIN THE AEW TAG TITLES before Jeff Hardy got a DUI while wearing a Jacksonville Jaguars shirt on the police bodycam.
I'm sorry, but I need to be blunt. What does anyone even remember from Matt Hardy in his AEW run? All anyone will remember is Matt Hardy being dropped on his head, the idiots refusing to stop the match, ruining Private Party and all anyone will remember Jeff Hardy's run is fucking up what could've been The Hardys final chance at Tag Team gold. Matt will be remembered for being dropped on his head and having his Twitter account hacked. All Jeff will be remembered for is fucking up his and his brother's last chance at glory. And in the end Matt will be remembered for enabling his brother's worst devices instead of getting him the help he so desperately needs.
I will share what I said when Jeff returned. Wrestling is the last thing Jeff Hardy needs, but maybe wrestling is the last thing The Hardys needs and they should just retire. What else is there to say? I am just done with Matt and Jeff Hardy.
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Issue I'm dealing with right now is a great example of why I hate people who push the "DID isn't a disorder it's an uwu quirky super power" idea. (Obviously no shade to those who view their own system hood as a net gain but I see people treat 'disorder' or 'maladaptive' as dirty words in general and I find it really demeaning to those who do struggle, myself included obviously, as though it's just a matter of perspective and I just need to turn that frown upside down 🙃)
TW for needle stuff under the cut
So being trans and chronically ill, I have to get blood tests, like, a lot of blood tests. I also use estradiol injections as my primary HRT method. So needless to say, needles are a huge part of my life and healthcare. A couple years ago this was completely fine, I just stare off into space for a 20-30 seconds and it's over before I know it. I dissociate. Very useful skill, been great all my life yay no fear of needles I'm a big girl with my big girl sticker (bandaid).
The last couple years however, things started to go a bit wonky, I've started to pass out during blood tests. I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine and then suddenly the lights go out and I come to with a very apologetic and worried nurse. This led to one hospital visit where I needed to get several tests and so they put a cannula in my arm. Oh boy my brain did not like that solution, my wolf alter fronted and needed to be actively prevented from ripping it out with her teeth.
With my estradiol injections however, something different started happening. I do them weekly on the same day, Thursday, and first I would keep "forgetting" to do them. No Biggie, though, would just do it the first opportunity I remembered to. Then, I started drinking. Every Thursday, without fail, I would remember to do my shot and realise I've been drinking alcohol without even thinking of it. I was getting sabotaged.
Then last week, things got stepped up a gear. After administering my shot it hurt much more than usual. The next day, my jeans waistband was pressing on the bruise(?) and rather than just feeling ow, I started panicking. Every time I would move in a way that hurt it I would instantly be filled with dread. Dread that I had been stabbed and was going to pop my stitches.
Then, as if that wasn't enough, I've been having nightmares about needles getting stuck in my veins and needing to squeeze them out like zits.
So why is all this happening? Because of the dissociation. My brain relied so heavily and readily on dissociation as a coping mechanism for all this needle business, that it became a trauma. All those repeated chronic minor routine events, by not being integrated due to such an inherent tendency to dissociate are bouncing around in my subconscious and upsetting the system.
As such, protectors and persecutors are getting royally pissed off, because it keeps happening, and I keep doing it to myself. They're screaming out at me to stop doing this absolutely horrendous horrible life threatening thing because being mostly locked inside they don't actually understand why I need to do it. They don't care about the outside world, they just care that I'm repeatedly triggering parts of the system and want it to not happen anymore.
This is so endlessly frustrating for me, because I had no issue with needles whatsoever. Everyone else I know who has issues with needles gets exposure therapied into being fine, but for me? I get new trauma from things that shouldn't and wouldn't have been traumatic if it wasn't for my brain operating on automatic responses.
So yeah, fuck dissociation, all my brain homies hate dissociation and I'll bite the next person I see saying that it's inherently a positive force for good in everyone's lives that does it.
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So that's it. That's the truth of our case. We know who our killer is. In a way, we've known for a while. All that's left is to clinch it.
The deepest, darkest, and most tragic secret of this case. How did a murderer penetrate the inner lab?
The answer is, we wore Yakou like a hat. A hat made of knives. So, Kung Lao's hat. We wore Yakou like Kung Lao's hat.
Poor Halara. They're up there trying desperately to resuscitate Yakou but he's a) dying of incurable gas and b) about to get Soul Reaped anyway. I hope they don't blame themselves when it happens.
Fortunately, if all Fubuki did was crack the Panel Room with us unknowingly, she's off the hook and in no danger. Servan was more involved in Shachi's murder and the Labyrinth let him off with a stern glare.
Obviously Yakou. Also a part of me considered that the woman in question might be Yuma's mom but that's just because she has purple hair. I shouldn't make assumptions. Not everyone with purple hair is related to one another.
It's not even the right shade of purple. Though it could be tempered by Yakou's blue, maybe? Anime hair does that sometimes.
I'm way off base here. Moving on. Our killer is, beyond a shadow of a doubt....
So we can now say pretty confidently that Jawline is Fink the Slaughter Artist. But Fink never set foot in the lab. He was here to conceal the truth behind why Yakou is dead.
Probably to avoid blowback on the Master Detectives when their boss murdered Amaterasu's most important scientist. I said before that the stabbings seemed a) unprofessional and b) emotionally motivated. Both of those things make sense now.
Oh, that's why the photo was here. I figured he simply carried it around on him.
Did Jawline know that Yakou was his client? Or did Yakou wrestle the photo away from him during the struggle?
Sephiroth Vader has been defeated but Vivia's still going to defend Yakou from the cruel grip of the truth.
I'm sure Yakou sincerely meant that. Emotionally motivated. But it was also part of the ruse to disguise the crime as a professional hit. It ensured everyone would be looking at FInk, not Nocturnal Detective Agency, when the smoke settled.
At least, in theory. Didn't work out so well for us in practice.
Or that. I was right on the ball when I said it's weird that Fink would send us a note, and makes more sense if Yakou sent it to us himself.
That also covers his OOC behavior when he's suddenly gung-ho to rescue some dipshit Amaterasu scientist after weeks of telling everyone to lay low and keep our heads down.
In fact, a paranoid part of me wonders if this was the plan from the start. If Yakou was discouraging us from making waves because he didn't want us getting our jolly asses killed by the Peacekeepers before he had a chance to finalize this plan.
To disguise the truth, is what I've been going with. Let's see what Yuma says.
Nobody would think twice about four new corpo-cops suddenly patrolling the halls if everyone's running around trying to thwart Jawline. That makes sense. So it wasn't about protecting us.
That makes my heart sad. :(
That's when he went to the airlock. He didn't go the other direction; He used his lead to get there first.
Jawline was the only person who could have been responsible for the blackout. But since we now know that Jawline isn't complicit in the lab intrusion, it makes more sense. The blackout was part of the plan to kill Yakou, per Yakou's instructions.
For Yakou, it gave him a cover story. "Oh no, a blackout, we need to hurry up and get Huesca out of there before the killer gets him through all that non-powered security!" was what he used to separate from us and instill in us the urgency we used to crack the Most Locked-est Room Ever.
This is why the blackout was the most inscrutable piece of the puzzle. It couldn't open doors or disable Huesca's security. If anything, it made doors more locked until backup power switched on and it didn't matter anymore. It couldn't do fucking anything. There was no practical reason for it. It contributed nothing to this plan.
The reason it was useless is because it's a placebo. It was an empty threat designed to instill in us a sense of urgency and get us moving. Yakou used the blackout to get us in gear and push us towards our steps of the plan.
Yakou spent a long time working on this. It's super premeditated. And reliant on insider knowledge of Amaterasu's classified lab. Photo Lady had to have worked there. Maybe the second desk in that office was Yakou's?
Yakou put his faith in us to ferry him to Huesca. We did not disappoint him.
Y'know, it's weird but I'm proud of that. I mean, a man is dead but fuck 'im. Huesca's far from a sympathetic victim. I know that and I don't even have the full details on Yakou's motive. I know enough to know Huesca got what he had coming for him.
We did this, y'all. We worked together to make this happen. This isn't Yakou's victim. It's all of our victim.
Yuma's sitting here wrestling with the awful truth, trying not to crumble under the pressure of his world shattering. But I'm over here respecting Yakou more than I have since the day we met him. You did it, man. You beat Amaterasu's highest possible security in the bowels of their HQ and pulled off the crime of the century.
And since the plan called for him to die triumphantly anyway, a legitimate argument could be made that he unknowingly beat Shinigami too while he was at it. Yeah, go ahead and reap his soul. Take the last 45 seconds of his life from him. Not like it fucking matters anyway. He's already won.
Murderer Yakou is infinity times cooler than Detective Yakou ever was! Holy shit, where was this guy in all of our hangouts!?
More than anything, Yakou wanted nobody to know why he did this. Even after his death. I'd thought he was trying to protect the agency but it feels like this goes deeper than that.
I want to say he wanted to discourage us for our own emotional wellbeing but my guy was about to slit Yuma's throat before Ghost Yakou intervened. So. Yeah. This was definitely more about protecting Yakou than anything else.
He wanted to do both if he could help it but if push came to shove, he was ready to kill Yuma to defend Yakou's reputation. It was only Yakou saying outright, "Do not do that thing," that convinced him otherwise.
And. Yeah. We talked about this before but. Like. We're in this mess because the Peacekeepers decided apropos of nothing that we dunit.
Well guess what, fuckos! We did dunit. A stopped clock is right twice a day. Yomi's equation is belligerent nonsense but his result isn't wrong. If anything, the truth makes our situation worse. We have accomplished nothing by learning all of this.
As much as Vivia doesn't outwardly show much of his feelings, he believed in Yakou. He liked working here and he liked Yakou enough to trust Yakou implicity. He doesn't know why Yakou did this, but he also doesn't care. It doesn't matter. He stands behind it, whatever the purpose.
I don't have that same kind of respect for Yakou but I do find myself nonetheless in the same boat as Vivia. I don't know why Yakou did this, but I've seen enough - both of him and of Huesca - to believe he had the right of it.
The grave-dancing Robot Researcher was right.
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hey perisex trans people can yall like... not ignore intersex trans people's experiences
it doesn't happen on purpose, i'm fully aware of that, but it's also frustrating talking about my experiences with hrt and how srs affected me and how now as an adult it makes it impossible to go on the hrt i want (as opposed to hrt that i have to be on to manage my health) and having people scream that it must mean i'm purely a cis man or cis woman. i'm tired of trying to explain how srs both positively and negatively affected me and how the lack of information or consent fucking violated me before i even had a choice and getting told that i should just be glad they mostly guessed right and i won't have to get it in the future. i'll mention that my chest gives me dysphoria and people will tell me that i should be glad i have anything at all. i talk about how i get called fucking slurs on the street and they tell me it shouldn't matter because i'm "not even trans" as an intersex nonbinary person. i get the wrong types of doctors, deal with medical neglect, etc. because they're so focused on changing me to be exactly like a perisex cis man or woman or putting me in a box. and plenty of my experiences aren't even exclusive to intersex people - it's just suddenly a problem when i speak about why it can happen or how to work around it.
and when intersex people are allowed to speak on their identity and struggles, it feels like we often have to shove ourselves into boxes for convenience. there's a heavy pressure to separate and identify transmasc vs. transfem, and when we pick one, we're interrogated and harassed if we don't pick what they think we should. if our experiences don't line up with the "norm," we're just told that can't happen. if we have to change transition plans, well, were we really trans in the first place or were we just "fixing" ourselves?
is itbreally that hard to let intersex trans people speak on our own damn experiences without assuming it's an attack on perisex trans people?
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I wanna ask, from a parents perspective is having kids young worth it?? I turn 25 soon and have been thinking about having kids before 30, it started recently as all my friends have kids already and it feels like I'm missing out on something. I have a great partner and a few cats but we both still feel that....void i guess?? Do you wish you had your daughter at an older age??
okay baby listen everyone is different and parenthood might work for you and it might not but I'm gonna talk to you right now about all of the reasons why I regret not waiting. this will be kinda long.
I was 23 when I got pregnant, 24 when my daughter was born. it was not planned and I barely knew the guy. like he was literally just a sneaky link and we both have a breeding kink so 1+1 = 3 in this case. I was already knocked up by our 3rd date (yes it's that bad but hey I fucked around and found out)
I was in a bad place when I met him (sad girl with daddy issues whose daddy just died that's a whole different side story tbh it never ends) and I deserved better but I was honestly just happy that someone was giving me attention. plus his dick was huge and he knew how to use it so it was like "maybe I can change him. maybe he'll realize I'm worth loving." again daddy issues.
now you're probably wondering why I'm oversharing all of this but it's gonna make sense by the time we come back full circle. I promise.
things went south after i got pregnant and in order to protect myself and my wee lil dew drop, I ghosted his ass.
so now pregnancy alone is its own little monster. my body changed a lot. I gained so much fkn weight that I didn't realize that I wasn't as big as i thought I was. my face shape is different (lowkey to the point where I don't even look at old photos because it will ruin my entire day and I will cry) my bladder is fucked. I went from a c cup to a triple d cup so bra shopping is hell, my back hurts most days from the sheer weight of having big tiddies and I truly hate them
now as far everything else, your time will never be yours again. any parent worth their salt is gonna catch some hell. I have anxiety so a lot of my time is spent wondering if I'm going to outlive her. my dad used to say that even when your kids grow up, you'll be wondering if something bad might happen to them that you could've prevented.
now I have a daughter and men are scary enough so like... yeah.
now I had my daughter in the middle of the pandemic. that paired with my anxiety, trauma from what her father put us both through, and my poor decision to use her as comfort instead of going to therapy made her clingy.
your mental health matters so much and of course none of us are perfect and mental health shouldn't completely dictate whether or not you become a parent but you need to be self aware and honest with yourself or you'll fuck that kid up and fuck yourself over. my daughter is clingy as fuck and even now, if I can get a half hour alone, I'm lucky.
I have adhd and I'm bad with time and organization so keeping on top of the house and getting to places on time is hard as hell. I also lost my social skills during the pandemic so if you struggle around people, remember you're gonna have to socialize your kid and for me, that's hard. don't like doctors appointments? You're gonna have to deal with it. don't like going out? get used to it. even down to small talk with random fkn people who think your kid is cute- get ready. I literally had a whole ass chat with some random lady on the train the other day because she thought my daughter was cute so we chatted about her grandkids. random chats with random people are inevitable and will happen sometimes multiple times a fkn day.
now as far as having a second parent, I can't tell you about that. I absolutely do wish I had her father around but I also wish I could trust him enough to share this beautiful chaos. since I can't, I have to do it alone. I have my village but a village can only do so much and the village can't ever truly fill that void.
now I think communication is important for you and your partner. you both need to do it for you. if you have family pressuring you, ignore them. don't let them pressure you into making such a big and final decision. you're bringing a life into the world, not putting up a Christmas tree.
out of my friend group, only one of my friends has a child and she felt like she was missing out because picture of my daughter gave her baby fever. she also has some regrets.
you and your partner need to really talk about that void you feel because a baby will not fill it. figure out where that emptiness is coming from and work on fixing it because a baby is going to feel great and make you proud and all of that but at the end of the day, that baby is a shitting, burping, farting, helpless little human that has their own destiny. their job isn't to fill that void. their job is to grow and thrive while you pour into them. you'll never fill a void when you're pouring into that child's life.
parenthood is beautiful. hearing my daughter tell me she loves me, cuddling her, hearing her pronounce words wrong, watching her eyes light up over things she likes- the list is infinite. the love is infinite but before you both take that leap, you need make sure you're happy with yourselves, happy with the changes that will come, and ultimately happy with the chaos because even with this long ass tangent I'm going on, there's still so much more beauty and madness and hard times. some days I love being a mom and I couldn't imagine being anything else. some days, I wish I wasn't a mom and I envy parents who just walk out and never look back.
I think I'm learning to just be in each moment but if you need any more help or someone to talk to, I'm here for you. I'm a huge believer that not everyone deserves children and a lot of the time I think I'm one of those people because I'll never be able to look my daughter in her face and honestly tell her that she was planned and that those were happy tears when I found out my pregnancy test was positive. I think I've redeemed myself? who knows maybe not but I feel like Gru and she's my little Agnes.
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The read more is just bc I'm thinking out loud about wrestling stuff that's been on my mind/bothering me and I figure this might end up being long edit nvm it ended being about the usual depression stuff too lol
I think part of my issue as far as burnout is that I can't figure out where the line is supposed to be for work that you want to be done that no one else will do vs when you do not want to do the work any more. Like I do a lot of stats tracking for wrestling shows that I've done for a while now purely bc I had a lot of fun doing it and found it interesting. But I've sort of reached a point with it where I don't really think I'm learning anything particularly new or interesting with it but I realized it is taking a fair bit of time, so while it's hard to break the habit of doing it for every show it makes sense to drop it at this point, or at least cut back.
Then there's the stuff I actually worked on, like translations primarily and stuff like that. I'm behind back to stuff that happened in May, and I'd been thinking of it as a backlog, but just deciding to not do any of it does have an appeal. If it sucks hit da bricks. I know I have no real obligation here, but I don't know, thinking about totally dropping this stuff does hurt. On the one hand, I was genuinely very desperate to try and find some way to turn some part of this into actual paid work, to the point where I did way too much of it on top of my actual job and life and the stuff I wish I did have the option of just dropping and ended up having a pretty bad breakdown. So just not working on it at all any more is depressing, an acceptance that I failed and I'm still stuck exactly where I was a little over two years ago and nothing has changed at all. Maybe even worse bc when I started I was still working from home.
On the other hand I also feel bad leaving people who genuinely enjoyed my work out in the cold. I met some really great people thanks to it and had some really good conversations and stuff. But I also kind of hated the twitter clout because it's a lot of nice words that doesn't actually count for anything or do anything, and on top of that for every person who really seemed to get where I was coming from it felt like there were 5 more who claimed to appreciate my work who didn't get it at all. And that wears me down probably more than it should.
I'm a big believer that in any sort of work like that you shouldn't do it for an audience you may or may not even have or keep, you should do it because you want to do it and if people show up for it then that's on them. But I don't really know how to put it aside when it is still something I want to do but I don't know if I can. Even just things like reading comments on my own or watching shows feel like such an unbelievable timesink and I don't know if I have the energy or the mental health to keep it up even for myself. But I don't want to give these things up either. So I'm just. Stuck suffering in both directions.
And then on top of that there's all the feelings of disconnect and isolation that I've been struggling with for quite a while now. I mean like beyond the general ones every day like the wrestling specific ones. Reading and translating comments and press conferences and everything began as a way to feel closer, I think, to the wrestling I love so much. I think part of what fucked me up so badly when Unagi left was that it made clear how much that had not happened. Sure you can see the signs of her farewell tour in hindsight, but at the time I hadn't seen it coming in the slightest. No matter how well I understood these characters, no matter how much, even correct, insight I had into every word choice they made and every emotional beat of every story they told, I still don't know them, I'm not a part of this.
And beyond that, would I even want a part of it if I could have one? If I had some sort of magic golden opportunity to be part of the joshi scene right now, would I even want to see behind the curtain? What if I really am just a delusional himejoshi and it ruins everything I love about it? Would there even be a space for me there, what if I were just rejected? None of which matters because I still have no connection to it in the slightest, I've never even been to Japan and my current savings are supposed to be for computer upgrades so who the fuck knows when even that much might be an option.
I just. I feel so lost, and stuck. I don't know what to drop and what to keep working on but I don't know how to keep working on any of it in the first place. I can barely even make it through a single match without getting endlessly distracted these days, even when I WANT to watch it, even when I'm actively enjoying it! I want to drop everything in my entire life except for this but this also takes energy I don't have and feels like the only thing I actually can drop. This thing I love so much and have no attachment to whatsoever, that might not even want me if that was an option to begin with. I need to change something about my habits or my workflow or my life or something, anything, and I can't. I can't do any of it
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Talking about the things we can't talk about
In the following thread (which I think was the first thread on Cafe Chesscourt to begin with), Salby is arguing with "rtho" about the Caves fandom. I have not bolded the differences of opinion yet, but will do so in my later posts.
rtlhs (4/16/15)
Lads, I'd hate to butt in here, but it seems to me there's a simple, widely accepted distinction between Salby as a writer and Salby the person. As a writer, I think it's obvious that Salby was an exceptional talent -- one who produced works which stand apart from anything else in the history of Western literature, and I don't use those words lightly. However, Salby the man was a human being, and the two were clearly not identical. The Salby who now resides in my computer is nothing like the Salby who was alive twenty years ago. And the Salby who is alive now might be nothing like the Salby who is alive one hundred years from now.
placid giant (4/16/15)
rtlhs,
I don't think this is a useful way to think about the issue.
salby-as-writer did not spring out of nowhere; he was a man with a personal and public life. as you say, a talented man. but also a very strange man, with a very strange private life and a very strange reputation even before he died. Salby-as-writer is the same way.
the act of creating and performing art is a deeply personal act, which touches upon the essential qualities of the artist as a person, and one doesn't have to look very hard to understand that salby-the-writer was formed in large part by salby-the-person. conversely, a corollary: most if not all of the people who have found inspiration in Salby-the-writer find it because, on some level, he seems like them to them -- a part of themselves. a part of who they want to be, or a part of who they still hope to become.
think about A Dance to the Music of Time, which I'm assuming you've read. think about all the different ways people have been inspired by it -- because the book has significance to them, capturing something important and unique to their experience of living.
those kinds of connections are a big part of why the humanities exist. not just as a guild. but as an expression of a fundamental human bond. people are moved by the lives and struggles and friendships and romance and tragedy and comedy of other human beings, because it's all the same stuff that we face every day.
my point is: that's what we've found in Salby.
no, I don't mean the objectionable parts. I mean the novelty, the life, the tragedy. the flawed yet heroic figures. the sense that we could be there, doomed and alone. we could be him, could be her, could be them. we could, and we must.
eccentric-nucleus (4/16/15)
Finally someone says it.
grimdark (4/16/15)
seconded.
rtlhs (4/16/15)
Yes, I've read the novels, of course. My point is that the novels are not about Salby, except in the sense that anything about human experience is "about" Salby.
The North Central Positronic Metapolice Officers' Mess (4/16/15)
Ha, we can talk about Salby the person as long as we like. What's the matter, rtho? All of a sudden you don't feel like discussing the topic that started this whole conversation?
rtlhs (4/16/15)
*sigh*
Moderator: This topic is dead. Please don't resurrect it. It's not hard to ignore the things you don't want to think about.
theboest (4/16/15)
rtlhs is still the Moderator. You can't get away with this shit now.
rsl21 (4/16/15)
No, because we all know RtLhs doesn't "mod" for me.
theboest (4/16/15)
fuck you
rsl21 (4/16/15)
who was that?
RtLhs, can you answer for yourself?
RtLhs (4/16/15)
2nvrmr, 1 don't.
placid giant (4/16/15)
right, but i'm not the only one who enjoys rtlhs as a persona. isn't there some sort of rule against that? that he shouldn't mislead readers as to who he is? he's the moderator here, for fuck's sake.
rsl21 (4/16/15 16:14:25)
Or even a rule that, as an admin, he has to answer to the Board of Directors about anything relating to moderatorship?
torgo (4/16/15 16:15:11)
No, that's not really relevant here.
rsl21 (4/16/15 17:00:48)
(And what rule would that be?)
rsl21 (4/16/15 20:51:47)
(And what rule would that be?)
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[Also please reblog if you use or like this stuff, it really helps!]
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From "look what you helped me do":
“Raylan used necessary force to subdue a threat to life. He acted in self-defense against a weaponized empathy attack that triggered a feral episode.” Tim’s tongue feels like a stick of chalk inside of his mouth as he draws the story. “But it’s like I said — the bonding is on me. I instigated.”
That last part doesn’t need to be said. In fact, all their sensitivity training instructs them not to say that shit. You’re not supposed to blame the Guide. No matter what they were wearing or how they were acting or where they were. Bonding outside the purview of the Tower is the Sentinel’s fault, always, and that’s the only way the rhetoric is supposed to go.
But Tim can’t parrot it.
Because it ain’t true.
This is his fault. Raylan is the one that bit him, but Tim is the one that lulled him close enough to do it. He’s the one that made Raylan show his teeth.
Gold Star Guide verse.
Thanks for asking for this one! I fucking adore Sentinel/Guide AUs and I was so excited to write one for Justified. I'm going to come back to this one day with follow-ups fics. I have it all outlined and know exactly what I want to do with it but I digress.
This is mostly just going to be me talking about the worldbuilding that went into this AU because this passage is perfect to talk about it.
In this world, Guides are oppressed and disenfranchised. They've only in the past few years won rights, so there are political and cultural implications to what Tim says and how he thinks here.
Tim came to age when Guides were still forced to go into the Tower at 18 and had zero to little say with who they bonded to. He didn't enter the military because he enlisted, he went into the military because at 18 a Tower Matchmaker decided he'd make a good Guide for the military so he was bonded off to a Sentinel already in the army.
This detail will be important later.
While Tim is young, he's the very last generation of Guides that were bonded off in that way so he still holds some of the "old school" attitudes about Sentinel/Guide bondings and relationships. Sorry all, but in the political landscape of this dystopia world he's not all that forward-thinking and is content to play his role in the machine even if he's also hugely disenchanted by it all. As a former military Guide and a Guide now working in law enforcement, he's considered the cream of the crop of the Guide population and has education + life experience + special freedoms that civilian Guides aren't permitted.
One of those old-fashioned ideas he still carries around is that Guides who bond outside the purview of the Tower are to blame for their bondings. Whether they're bonded forcefully or it's consensual. You know how it goes. Sentinel can't control themselves, the Guide shouldn't have tempted them, etc etc. This is in contrast to more modern and progressive attitudes where it's expected that Sentinel take responsibility for their own behavior and that their actions can't be excused by biology.
That's the internal struggle that's at play during this moment. Tim's new hip LEO training tells him he should never blame a Guide for an unsanctioned bonding VS his upbringing where it's his fault solely because he's the Guide.
And then this is even further complicated by the fact that Raylan wasn't in a coherent state of mind when they bonded. Raylan went feral and Tim initiated bonding to calm Raylan down...and more importantly, try to protect Raylan from the fallout of killing Boyd Crowder (a Guide).
“Raylan used necessary force to subdue a threat to life. He acted in self-defense against a weaponized empathy attack that triggered a feral episode.”
Also, the first part of this is just a fucking lie lol. Tim is lying, he's already thinking about how to cover for Raylan and clean up the cowboy's mess...because they're bonded and Raylan is his Sentinel now.
Yes Timmy is a lil bastard in this one 😌
(author commentary ask game)
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rose i've come here to bug u w questions 🐛
first of all what are ur thoughts on james potter 👀
2. u have to fight one of the marauders (think long and hard about this), and they get to use magic BUT you get to be a vampire (like twilight style with the sparkly skin and vampire powers). who are you fighting and what would your vampire magic trick be to fight them. both u and the character are at full potential
and 3. what is ur hottest marauders take?
MAGGIE
I was on the Tumblr app and I had to grab my laptop and pull up Tumblr.com just to respond to this first one. I have all the thoughts about James Potter. Always. Everyday. Everywhere.
James Potter to me is just. He is everything. He is naturally charismatic, and lovable, and maybe he doesn't even think about it, but he brightens spaces. But, in my head, he's also trying so fucking hard. Because he's had it so good, he loves his parents, he loves his friends, and everything is right, but it shouldn't be, you know? Sirius is struggling, Remus is struggling, Peter is (quietly) struggling, and James sees that, and he's just. trying to pick up the slack. he is trying to rest the world on his shoulders for the people he loves, and that's beautiful to me.
BUT. what's most beautiful to me about James, in my head, is the way he feels. Obviously we are limited with what we know about him in canon, but even canon aside, he's just this character that to me is operating under the pretense of helping/"fixing" the people he loves, and he's fucking it up. He's making it harder for himself. He's causing collateral damage. he's doing what he can and what he can do isn't always enough.
He's trying, and it's slipping through his fingers.
I DONT KNOW MAGGIE. I've gone on plenty of James rants to you, but I love him deeply, and I see him clearly in my head, and I just get him. I get his struggles, I get his guilt, I get his arrogance, I get all of it. He's doing his best, and he's a kid who's always had it easy, and he's learning now that sometimes your best isn't always enough. Sometimes it's out of your hands. Sometimes you hurt people. It's all growth, and I love that.
2. Maggie BABES thank you for this question.
I'm not even worrying about the marauders character yet. I am first and foremost thinking of my twilight vampire power, and I think the answer is obvious.
I can have any power in the twilight universe world? I'm taking Zafrina and Senna, who have this visual projection power. Like these bitches can completely change your perception of reality with their MINDS. That's what I want.
I could fight anyone with that power and still win (cocky assumption probably idc) but like. You wanna point your lil wand at me? where am I? you don't know. We are now in the amazon rainforest and there are 6 of me. Try to figure it out.
to completely finish your question, though, I will choose someone. I'm gonna go with mmmm... James. my angel. I think I hc ADHD (bc same) onto him, so this is unfair, but I could just completely overwhelm him and win. and if the goal is to win, that's the choice I'm making.
3. oooooh my hottest marauders take. I feel like I could go a few ways with this.
first of all, I think the fandom as a whole is too discourse-y. Especially for a fandom that is like. completely made up. Like how are you about to argue about how a character is portrayed when we have almost 0 basis in it? just let people think what they think. it does not matter that much, just don't engage with what you don't agree with.
for a hot take on the actual characters??? I think that Sirius would not freak out about jegulus. SORRY. but like. I love the idea of dramatic Sirius, and I get it, but also, no. Maybe I'm just biased because I have younger sisters and I can't imagine being that dramatic over what they do, but idk. Realistically, I imagine Sirius would just be like "ew. Okay. don't hurt each other bc I don't want to deal w it." and that would be that. I can still accept a dramatic Sirius freak out, but it's just not the way I see it typically going. (this is also based on the backstory, and I do think there is sometimes reason for Sirius to freak out, but usually it would be more for James than for regulus. idk)
anyways! thank u for the questions Maggie I love writing random essays <3
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