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mean-hare · 2 years

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i wrote diary about my stupid life. my book about may. pathetic but here you (me?) are

disclaimer: the following writing is very bad, loosy, full of mistakes and can cause headache or nausea because of how shitty text is. im sorry, i am really terrible writer. also i am not promoting any of these things i wrote there (dont do it, kids), its just my life without a word of lie and i really dont enjoy it

MEAN HARE WILL NEVER BE CUTE BUNNY

chapter 1

1.50 am and i am laying here on the floor, nott really hungry but sleepless as a fuck. my heart is crumping in harmony with the melody of darkjazz. i drank too much milk. i drank too much tea. i accidentally poured water on bedsheed so now im shivering under blanket too thin for thiscold hours of deep night

may, 1 of course i overeat. of course i blame myself. of course i hate myself for this wicked crawings maybe not for food but for something unsolved and looked like food can tame or replace it. of course it cant

may, 2 oh the gold horned field creature, that breath taking cage of ribs. vertige of warmth of the grasslands and cool air of spring night. why i can not be near you? why do i betray you?why dont you let me be good with you?

may, 3 after the day full of sweets and energy drinks and drowsing till 2pm after sleepless night i drank few cups of cold tea and was thinkin about palacsintas (flat pancakes filled with curd) my mom made them as if she can read my mind. few ones, maybe for 800 calories, thats good.

i love late night online connections with schizofrenic bois. theyre few years older than me, much smarter than me, and they smoke and use dope and everything like that. they love me and i dont know why but i adore them too (sometimes)

may,4 i need more tea. this fucking house slightly becomes tealess. how should i satisfy my cold inner void now, huh?!?!?!????!?! 04:37 am (technically its 5th of may now) i shouldnt eat and drink that much. oversaccharined, overcaffeinated sleepless night. soundtracked by slowed down danish spermetoxicosed rockers. nurtured by my usual longing for presence of my dearest boy danni, my only friend, my love. he is smarter than me so he is sleeping now

may,5 still bad, still fat, still overeaten, sugary and oiled failure, a covered a little by few hypomaniac hours, and that hours crashet down cruelly by merciless night tiredness. anyway last time my sleep was only 2 hours long

may, 6 today i am a meme kitten: full of milk,. little sleepy fat one

may, 7 i dont want to write about another failure, once again and again and again

may, 8 pretty little morning like a golden curls on a head of little child with ugly stupid loudly arguing mom, yeah, that morning i had cookies and popcorn and what else whatever, its not necessary to talk about that but i still talking and i do this, you cannot stop my mouth and my hands from what i say and what i do. im throwing up in old bag of chips that was waiting fof its time until today. no matter how quiet i would throwing up in toilet, my dad can hear the vomit sounds going throught the ventilation pipes so i knee before the god of junk and trying to spitting this vomit and sweet saliva into that black junk smelling bag but failure is here, its always was, i vomit everywhere, floor is wet all in liquid brown mass warmed by my itchy organism, how pity and how shameful could be that if it wasnt so funny? my long guitar nails on right hand are painful for my victimised throat. my not so long nails on left hand are cracked, are broken and oh how dirty they are, all the dirt on them, how many calories in dirt?/???? fuck me, fuck my vomit on the floor, vomitting was sweet so it was fun but now its time to clean it all. no vomit in the flat ov my parents (they shouldnt know, i dont need the 4th asylum story in my bio) what can stop you from overeating?i asking myself. not motivaton, not plently of tea, not fear, not greedy economy, even not love or punishment. its just the pain in bullymia-beaten stomach, the hardness and exhaustion of fine throwing up. how tiring it always was for me. and hOW gREAT that clean empty stomach becomes after that. im feelin almost saint

may, 9 failed by overeating again but i want to speak about a memory that evening i ate bread with apricot jam i guess that was winter (december 2020) where i was searching some soul that can be close to me, so lonely and crawing i was and found that girl or i should say women, she was 27 and i arrived to the centre of the city. she was drinkin hot wine while waiting me and when i stood near the opera theatre, she came to me: lilac coat (her only coat), ski glasses, long dark hair as eastern as her dark eyes, thin lips on her slightly sharp face, thin arms holding hot paper cup. the asked me am i waiting her. she said that known i am Yora at first sight. we walked a hour or more, we talked i cant remember about what we were talking clearly, i guess she told about her life, she travels a lot and she is very interesting person not only for me, she knows many people and many things, and she is so sincere unlike the most people. we entered a marked to buy some tea and i saw her bare hands there, they were abstracty tattooed, that few years old tattoos looked so good on her thin hands, on somewhere red and very dry skin we came to her flat and she made me tea and something to eat with tea bc many people love to eat something sweet with tea. she gave me black bread and cherry jam, so dark and a little reminiscented of blood. it was the only sweet food in her home. its very unlikely for me to eat a bread with jam, and i like to drink my tea without any food, but that was special day and special feeling of find a new friend. we were so close that winter and spring. her name is masha, shes living in prague right now as i know

may, 10 i woke up at 2 pm again so i awake after a good sleep. almost all day i read portugalian modernist writer, distracted for sing to urfaust songs, draw on walls of my room, make and drink tea(a lot of tea!), pissing (because there was really a lot of tea), searching for books about dogs, looking at old portraits in book about fashion story, reading about antarctic, drawing some confused young lads, thinking about danni, staring thru the window at blue may sky, as you see i was busy. at the late evening i decide to have 1 piece of bread with honey and half of banana. honey was very liquid and strange..i aint sure if its regular honey or some honey alcoholic brew, idk why the brew stored in 0,5 l jar but heck its smell and taste are so weird… but considering my state of mind and behaviour i think i just out of my mind today… fuck im so flyinnnnnnnn mmm yora is blue doged and sunstabled a lil right now, dead organed, dying outside and so uhm uhmm i cannot recall this word, its like a greemhouse one, im drinkin my mind is breathin warm greenhouse air

may, 11 i drank so much coke zero and pepsi black bc they tasty and help me with my headache. after that i cracked the walnut shells to reach walnutsfor for few hours. i like to do it but now my fingers are covered in dirt and tiny aching scars just like a battlefield. i never can do it carefully.

i ate a homemade pizza at evening and tried to count calories in it.

guy i tried to make friendship with replied me at night. he asked me if i have some dope or money for it. of course i have nothing. nincs es sincs

may, 12 64 kg or maybe more, (weight myself is scary). jusst like my height witho 1m. thats the weight my stupid body likes most of all i guess. so ok, i shouldnt listen to it. fuck this shitty ugly body and its stupid "needs", it never desserves them and never should be cared for. it serves its right!

may, 13 i can name this day (night) as a fuckin shitty one, no no i can not because it was much worse. i overeating of course but no, thats only one problem. i become restless during evening. iwalk my dog then i return haz and start to roaming thru this empty rooms. parents spendtheir weekends in the village and thats great that they cant see me in my psychic times. i started to eat. i ate bread and cheese, fruits, yoghurt, what else? i dont know why i did that, what hole i tried to fill, but something ate me so painfully at the end of the day which started so fine. roaming, chewing and finally i sat down and talking with people online, those shyzo narco cuties online, and something started punching my soul again, i felt the guilt, i ran to toilet side and throwed up, i throwed up everything i ate and it was not that disgusting i thought it would be and everything was fine again, i even consider myself cool and good looking despite all that slobs and snivels covered my whole bloated face and right hand but the weakness return and spread my mind like a cancer, so miserable i was, so disgusted by myself, and then i asked my szhizo narco pals "do you despise me? do you disregard me????" they said yes, of course they do, i knew it. i know i am miserable! i was beaten by convulsions, crucified by selfhate. lonely, i write my dear friend dani who was offline. i thought he dont like me anymore and i throwed a webtantrum. i cried "dont go dont hate me please, i will do everything, please i know you hate me i hate me too,but i adore u and dont want you to leave me" and all the same bullshit. he text me back after few hours, said that he dont disregard me. he says he love me. i dont know how somebody can love me, especially after all the mess i do. he begged me to not kms when i tried to and i dont understand him, it will be much easier for him if i die. and for me, to make this restless mind rest. poor danni, im so sorry for myself

may, 14 so strange. i become so coldfull. im feeling cold even in warm places when sit still.like all those an0 suffered stereotypical ppl. funny thing that almost all this month i didnt `lose weight (and maybe even gain some ;_;), i didnt restricted, ate like 1500-2000 kcals per day like a normie (like a loser, said ed. szervus, inner romantisation of eating disorder. its me, im just trying to survive by romanticising part of my life that tries hard to kill me)

may, 15 went to the library, took 3 books about animals. they say that future skinny beauty should be perfect and smart but i never was and never be i guess. i just love to read about animals. humans are also animals. i am animal too but i am not human. i am antropomorph, a humanoid. you may not believe me but i do not lying. i knew this almost all my life mostly instinctively. and people around me feel this somehow. they always reject me without knowing why. they feel that i am not human. i am alien. a am lonely one on this strange sour planet

may, 16 i am broken and wrathful. but i look like an angry minxy teenager and ye liekk eet(i like it). i think i can get through all this shit and im goin to do it. they will regret about everything and it all will be too late, haha. i will exhaust my body to became cool-lookin bastard. theyll be flooding by respect for me and regrets about me and i have no regrets about everythin now. im becoming divinity

may,17 the day is more than warm, the night is cold but blanket works good. pills help with a headache finally. i eat apples and white bread because its the only tasty food in house for me now. and tea. green tea that always becomes cold too fast

may, 18 it becomes harder every day to find some fine food for money i have (in ukraine). when i walked down the street eating icecream i saw little exhausted woman, she looked miserable but i paid attention on her thin thighs. of course i should be exhaused and starved out to have legs like this. thats pretty weird and very abnormal wish i guess

may, 19 sitting in bath of very hot water, it merely overflows.its so hot, air is full of evaporated hottiness like sauna and i sweat, my chest feels squeezed uncomfortably under the hot liquid, skin turns red. i almost pass out there. i dont know why. later girl online answered me that this is a form of s harm. but i dont know. after last bathtime in that hot water i heard buzz and bells sounds in my ears. this time i dont hear them. it remains me the time when i made myself vomit at the first time. i saw little bright stars before my eyes, they flying down lightly, and at the second time but the third time i saw no stars

may, 20 my blanket is cooler than your i know it its black and red in color and have images of KISS band on it

may, 21 my restrictive e.d. looks like tall boy, pale, very thin of course unhealthy thin. he has long blue hair with fringe, black eyes with yellow iris, long hands with long nails, his mouth is full sharp white teeth. how sad and tender is sight of his unnatural eyes, how meek is angle of his noded head. but its a lie. he is master of it all, he is punisher, he loves to pick my favorite poppy blossom and snash their helpless soft petals that bleeding my blood under his weirdly strong hands. he always says bad thing about everyone, sometimes even about himself but its just to blame me in diffrent tactic. but after all he wants to make me happy. he just dont know how. he loves to recite stef heerens songs to promise me tanarian hills, nebulous dreams, gentle breeze, cornflowers at the mountain tops and feathers of the wings of the angels and other things from these songs but all he giving me is flowing black on walls weltuntergangstimmung

may, 22 watched repaired old movie in almost empty cinema. after that i was eating popcorn i bought before movie just to realise i cannot eat and watch movie at the same time. and went to pizzeria with mom. feelin just like a normal person, like a humans feel i guess? at evening of same day i was very angry at my dog. he did the bad things but my anger was unproportionally big and strong and scary. exhaustingly wrathful? maybe i am grieving at something lost, grieving with anger. maybe i am just going insane. yes i am going insane

may, 23 i want to s harm but i am too lazy now for searching razor or matches in this garbage room and i need sleep now

may, 24 exams is hard not only for students but also for ones who love them. my dear friend, my szerelem danni, i miss him and his free time he spends on me, hes always quiet and dont talk. we cant spend time together in life and i am constantly touch starved. it hurts so bad. because now i am word starved for him and every even tinier word i should beg him for every sign for every word because i cant stand it. i want to talk with him all night, i want to kiss his narrow paled by sigaret smoke lips, i want to beat him till blod on both his and mine hands and bite and make him feel pain, i want to shout at him senslessly till my mouth go sore and burn everything around and then take the sharpest razor and cut my throat to mess all his clothes and body by blood, i want to lay on his lap and pet his tender hot skin, i want to give him all my love and everything i really have, i want his dear love, i want to make him suffer because me, no i just want his love, at least something from him but he dont talk to me when im going more insane every day, every second, he said he has hard times but how hard is lose every chanses to feel better. to lose the only one last dear person, the last one who loved and cared and dont push the pain down my throat but now hes threats me silently, torments me by neglect, leaves me in tears with all the reminiscence of fake words of fake love. but he just have no time and i am just mean brat. i cant tell who is right anymore

may, 25 i woke up at 15 after hard, almost sleepless night so i had not too many hours for eating. and i dont really want to. i miss my friend, i miss conversations, i miss normal me. theres nothing to do, id better sleep more

may, 26 i want chips so bad. oh my god how i want chips. its 16:39 now, i should wait at least until tomorrow, maybe tomorrow i ll forget about it, or maybe i could fit in my daily limit of calories, and could buy a bag of chips, maybe chips with crab flavor, or maybe my favorite spicy one or anything else, i really should stay inside today to not buy one, to drink so much tea to forget about it, to be full of this hot dark liquid without calories, fats and carbs, i ate bread with cheese already so i shouldnt eat more. balance!!!

id better be eaten chips honestly…

may, 27 i got chips =) [=(]

may, 28 i was busy today but everything i do is awkward and loosy. i played on untuned guitar, skated on unpleasantly warm streets, burned some paper rubbish. after that i walked to the marked and saw cool long haired guy in sunglasses there. i stared at him a little. he stared at me a little. i returned to flat under the rain while eating icecream. i tried to find a rainbow in sky but there was none and its ok i ate today not a little but neither too much because i counted. i drank an bottle of cheap blue energy drink and now its 4:23 am and 29 of may. i still can feel the smell of burning paper. i dont know why i burn it

may, 29 i bought new jeans in which i look good i screamed at my mom, shoutin at her about all the bad things she done to me few years ago, how she ruined me.i screamed and shouted by text and not by voice because i am numb i ate nutella, that jar was from poland. and drank almost a kg of hell energy drinks i gave all the love i can give to ny last 2 friends online. nobody else can love me still

may, 30 im eating cheesecake, lying under blanket and watching memes all day long and even at night instead of sleep. WTF

may, 31 i think now that my constant overeating may be a form of s harm. s.harming every day, pissed of!

#mhwnbcb #disorder eating #male ed #ed bllog #mental disorder #ed life #eating disoder things #disorder #ed vent #bpd #binging #purge #pain #whining #stupid

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