a real sad goldsick!thorin headcanon i just thought about
bearing in mind it's 2:30 in the morning and i've not slept so it's probably a mess but
so i'm rewatching botfa (again, no i have no shame i fucking love it), and in the scene where thorin finds out bilbo betrayed him, i've always noticed the heavy tears in his eyes. i honestly must have watched bofta near enough one hundred times, but this time i suddenly thought, that what if those tears are the real thorin underneath? i mean, just look at him as he gets real angry at bilbo and threatens him and tries to kill him.
and here he is in tDoS when he holds a sword to bilbo and confronts him. bilbo can see there's a shift in thorin, he's completely struck that he's threatening him like this.
but i rlly wanna talk about thorin at this point. now, richard is an absolutely incredible actor, especially when it comes to the eyes, and i can't help but think there's confusion there and resistance and worry for what he can feel the gold sickness doing to him, what it's making him do to those we all know he fiercely cares for. also, see his scene with dwalin when he threatens to kill him, too.
also, the acorn scene (because i can't not mention it, it's like shakespeare if bagginshield were poetry);
in the acorn scene, the real thorin comes back, only once, just for a few minutes, and so thorin's tears are no longer hurt or confused or panicked. they're soft, overwhelmed with emotion and fond bewilderment at how bilbo can find such solace in simple things like this. they are just relieved to be out from the suffocating sickness. this scene was supposed to show us the thorin as we all know him to be, before the paranoia and defensiveness of the fever steals him away again. but more importantly, thorin knows this is the real him.
what if thorin can feel and experience and know what the gold sickness is doing to him, to bilbo, erebor, to his nephews, to his company, but it's overtaken him?
idk just the thought that he's threatening everyone and starting wars and being a shit king and becoming his grandfather/father and leading everyone he cares abt into peril, and thorin can't do anything.
the idea that thorin is in there all along, somewhere but very clearly still in there, might explain what nudged him to tell everyone to stand down and then go walk around the gallery of kings and break free from the madness. thorin's also sort of continuously being brought back slightly by his company; bilbo's "the dwarf i met in bag end would never have gone back on his word ... doubted the loyalty of his kin" // gandalf's "thorin son of thrain" etc, so he's always close to coming out of the sickness but he barely can because it's controlling him, he has no power over it, until the tears win and thorin breaks free from the sickness at the others' words.
i also wanna mention this bit of richard talking about thorin's relationship with the fever, experienced directly through his family line; "... so when it [the sickness] starts to manifest itself in him, he knows exactly what is happening to him, and it's terrifying." so yeah, just the fact that thorin is canonically at all times conscious to what is happening and the fact that, in richard's words, it scares thorin to his bones but he's helpless.
and okay yeah ig you could say there tears in his eyes because thorin's emotions were intensified for obvious reasons, but i like to think that it's because the good heart thorin so obviously has is still in there, showing us the kind of leader he still is, that we've seen him be. but it's also tragic.
it's like the tears are like windows into the real thorin, but the real thorin has tears only and nothing else. he can feel his own movements as he tries to throw bilbo over the ledge, can hear himself threatening to kill dwalin, but he's unable to do anything about it.
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Alright! Jumping to the other card here for “Soulmates”.😁 Now I let myself get carried away here so let’s say it’s “bittersweet” 😅 but now I have this whole plot for what happens when they get to Erebor and needless to say, I have another AU. 😒
Pairing: Bilbo x Thorin
Words: 1072
Bilbo knew from the second Thorin walked into his home that he had found his soulmate. One single word, Gandalf, and Bilbo recognized the voice he had been dreaming about since he was old enough to know about soulmate dreams. When he had imagined this moment in his head, he always thought there would be soft looks and touches, undying confessions, a flower or two. Instead he got: he looks more like a grocer than a burglar.
Bilbo couldn’t exactly blame him. Not after learning the truth. He had wondered how it worked. If every person in Middle Earth was blessed with the gift of their soulmate’s voice in their head, what in the world did Bilbo sound like to his? Did he have a voice? Or was it more like silence accompanied with vague images? On the Carrock, after Bilbo had saved Thorin’s life and earned his respect finally, Thorin confided in him.
“Of course I hear my soulmate’s voice.” He chuckled. “Why kind of person couldn’t…I’m sorry. I didn’t think. Can…you not…?”
Bilbo was quick to shake his head, signing his answer with his hands. He may have been born without vocal cords, but he had a knack for picking up language. Whether it was some sort of magic granted to him for his disability or Bilbo just had a talent for it, he knew not. It had just been a couple of weeks on the road that Bilbo was able to confidently sign to Bifur in Iglishmek, much to the elation of the dwarf.
I hear them. I worry they don’t hear me.
Thorin nodded, gently patting Bilbo’s back. “I’m sorry all the same. No person should have to worry if they have a soulmate or not.”
Tell me what they sound like? Please.
Thorin took a long drag from his pipe, releasing it in the form of a perfect gray ring.
“He doesn’t sound dwarvish, of that I can be certain. There’s…a lithe to his voice that makes him sound jovial, content, appreciative of the smaller things in life. My brother used to tease me that he thought my soulmate was an elf, but I was always certain that wasn’t the case.”
Why?
“Just the thoughts he would have. I don’t think he’s had an easy life, but…”
Thorin looked so downhearted, it caused something in Bilbo to ache at the sight. Even though it broke him to know Thorin heard someone, he wanted to do whatever he could to alleviate that pain.
You can tell me.
Thorin nodded. “I’m sorry. For how I’ve been treating you. His thoughts have changed, and I took out my frustration on you. That was uncalled for.”
Bilbo didn’t sign again, but he placed his hand on Thorin’s forearm, and patted it. Letting him know that he was there for him if he wished to continue. The dwarf tensed under the touch, before relaxing, an appreciative smile touching his lips.
“I’m afraid there’s someone else, and the part that irritates me the most is he doesn’t feel worthy of this person. All his thoughts are centered around ‘does he think I’m good enough’ or ‘I hope he doesn’t hate me’.” Thorin’s hands ran through his hair as he gave a mirthless laugh. “I’ve waited years just to meet him. And here I am on a quest that I might not make it back from, and all I want to do is run to him. Wherever he is, and say ‘You will always be good enough for me. I would give you all that I can and more. Don’t settle for him, give me a chance.’”
Thorin sighed as he gave Bilbo a miserable smirk. “I don’t know. Am I just the most pathetically hopeless romantic you’ve ever heard?”
Bilbo gave a soundless laugh as he quickly shook his head, tears escaping without his consent. Thorin winced slightly at the sight.
“I didn’t mean to upset you, Master Baggins.”
Bilbo shook his head harder as his fingers flew.
I’m not sad. Want you to be happy.
Thorin ducked his head at that, but his eyes almost seemed to burn with pleasure. Bilbo wanted to tell him. He wanted to tell him so badly, but what if Thorin didn’t believe him? After all, Bilbo didn’t have a voice to match the one in his head. Even though it sounded exactly like the thoughts he had towards the beginning of their quest. His fingers tightened into fists around each other, and Bilbo suddenly understood the phrase ‘tongue-tied’.
“In any case, I suppose it doesn’t matter now. I can’t do anything about it until after the quest anyways…but I do appreciate you listening to this foolish old dwarf.”
Thorin.
“Thorin, it’s time to change those bandages, lad.” Oin called out, causing both Bilbo and Thorin to swivel towards the rest of the Company.
Thorin grimaced as he tapped out his ashes and stood once more. He gave Bilbo one last look, opened his mouth like he was going to say something, before shaking it quickly.
“Get some rest, Burglar. I’m sure tomorrow will be a long day for us all.”
Bilbo watched Thorin walk back towards the camp, and his fingers flew in his lap as he curled in on himself miserably.
It’s me. I love you. It’s me. I love you. It’s me. I love you.
He wasn’t aware of anyone else until Bifur kicked softly at his foot. Bilbo gasped and looked up sharply.
You tell him.
Bilbo shook his head wildly.
No. Not now. Don’t tell, please.
Bifur grumbled about it making a few more points on how idiotic he thought it was before finally nodding. Bilbo couldn’t help sighing in relief. Thorin was right. The quest needed to be their focus right now. He could tell Thorin after the quest, once he had regained Erebor. That way either he would accept the truth of it, or at least when he sent him away, there wasn’t any lingering guilt over leaving them to face a fire-breathing dragon.
Bilbo settled down for bed that night, trying to convince himself he was okay with this. However, for the first time in his life, he prayed to the Valar that he wouldn’t hear Thorin’s voice that night. Because he didn’t know how he could handle Thorin’s thoughts going out to a soulmate he loved so much without ever once suspecting it was the very hobbit he hired.
Stop me from getting a bingo. Next update is for the spicy bingo card on Wednesday.
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