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jilixthinker · 5 months

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embryos

☆ MASTERLIST ☆

PART 1 PART 2

pairing: felix × jisung

genre: angst, supernatural, smut

summary: "purity. those who possess it can have the access. it's like a key. only the pure souls who die in your world can enter in mine. the only requirement is a body. flesh in exchange for the eternal sun".

word count: 5.5 K (in part 1)

content warning: depression, death, mentions of suicide, pain and sufference, parallel universes, smut, jisung and felix are so in love it hurts, eventual happy ending

a/c: i wrote this a few years ago and never finished it, but i cared so much about the idea itself that i forced myself back to finally put an end to it. i still don't know how many chapters i will divide this into, but i guess it will be 3/4 maximum. please, enjoy it at least half as much as i did ♡

I have never been a diamond. For as long as I can remember, I have always sided with the useless. Many have tried to make me face who I am, and still, the only thing I could see were black eyes and no intention to exist. Even after years, when I look in the mirror, my image continues to show me something I do not recognize as myself. I never wanted to shine, I was always at the bottom of a hole. Never a diamond, just a lightless opal. Strings pulling a puppet without someone to maneuver it. A reflection.

Jisung wakes up the way incongruents do. He opens his eyes, blinks twice, maybe three times. As the light overbearingly invades the room, he curses and swears at everything around him. If he knew more than one language he would probably curse in that one too. He throws his legs off the bed and slowly stretches them. He arches his back like a cat and feels his vertebrae snap as if they were moving away from each other.

The first foot on the icy floor is traumatic, as always, and the second is certainly no better. With shuffling steps he makes his way to the window, the cause and fault of all that light, and behind the wide-open sashes he finds a busy Seoul, more alive than ever. Jisung snorts contritely and pulls the small rope that holds the blinds up. Only when the room stagnates in a lazy half-light, he lets out a sigh of relief. He takes two steps toward the mattress and for a few seconds he thinks about throwing himself back on it, fuck all commitments, classes, university, and fuck his phone that just decided to ring.

Groping around, with his eyes still half-closed, he slips an arm under his pillow and looks for the cause of all that noise. He brushes against the cover of his cell phone, which slides a few inches forward, slipping from his fingers. Oh, that's perfect. Thank you. When he finally manages to grab it, he unlocks the call without even looking at the screen.

"No".

From the other line he ears a grunt and a cough, then an overly deep voice.

"No, what?"

Jisung rolls his eyes and sits on his bed, crossing his ankles and shaking his head.

"Minho?"

"No, your majesty the queen. I won't take a no as an answer from anyone, especially not from you".

More noises in the background. Jisung thinks he hears a slap, another grunt, and the squelching sound of a kiss.

"Jisung? Sorry, that animal took my phone from my hands while you were answering me".

Another voice, much more graceful and alert than the previous one, rings inside his ear. Jisung barely pulls the device away while looking up.

"Do we want to continue with all this whining or are you going to tell me why you called me? I'm quite busy".

"Busy? Are you jacking off? Anyway, I heard you answering no. And you know I don't accept a no as an answer from anyone, especially from..."

Jisung stands up from his bed and stumbles over a slipper. Not that balance has ever been his best quality.

"Did you and your boyfriend decided to talk the same way to irritate me endlessly? Because you always do it without even trying, just for you to know".

The voice squeaks in a distinctly offended tone, and Jisung can imagine his interlocutor's lips curving into a grimace.

"Han Jisung, if you don't get your ass out your house and get ready in twenty minutes, I swear to God I will set fire to your life and everything I can find in it. You cannot miss another class. That is mandatory".

The sound of the closed signal wakes Jisung up from the morning fog. He runs a hand over his sweaty face and, with the phone still wedged between his shoulder and head, he whispers.

"Good morning to you, Chan".

+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*

After twenty minutes and many other curses, Jisung is standing outside of his elegant building. His lace-up shoes, combed hair, and an off-white shirt shine as if lit by stage spotlights. He glances at the expensive watch he wears on his wrist and he thinks that, if impressions were always right, then he would be a spoiled daddy's boy with a beautiful girlfriend and a perfect life. Instead, he reflects bitterly as Chan's car pulls up in front of him, he is a daddy's boy who hates his privileged status, with no one beside him and a nuclear explosion always about to burst his brain. But there is no need to worry. Impressions are everything.

"You have awful dark circles".

Jisung slips into the back seat of Chan's expensive car. He tosses his shoulder strap and smiles sarcastically at Minho.

"I wouldn't worry about other people's dark circles with an ugly face like yours".

Minho bursts out laughing, slowly driving back into the lane. Jisung leans toward the seat in front of his, hugging the backrest.

"Someday you will explain to me why you always let him drive your car".

Chan turns to look at him and pinches his nose. He does this on purpose to make him nervous because he knows how much Jisung despites physical contact.

"Because I can recognize my limits, unlike you. And don't try to deflect the topic. You missed a week of classes, the professors were starting to get impatient, and I couldn't take notes for the three of us. Can you explain what the fuck were you doing?"

Jisung shakes off his best friend with a vacant stare.

"The three of us?" He asks, sidestepping the question.

"You know that this animal", Chan reaches out to point at Minho "does everything but paying attention. However, an answer would be more than welcome".

Jisung huffs and crosses his legs against the seat in front of him. He does not want to answer. He has no reason to justify his absence from classes. He did absolutely nothing during that week. He procrastinated everything that could be done, ate very little and showered even less. He spent all his time lying on his huge bed in his huge house, alone, looking at the ceiling and thinking about how his life was going in a completely unfamiliar and negative direction. Starting with the university that had been chosen by someone else, his house that had been delivered to him already furnished, and all the relationships that he had that now seemed false, distant, and unattainable. Jisung felt like his essence was been split against his will and another person was living his life. His real self was behind a mirror, imprisoned and motionless, watching him silently, without uttering a word.

He closes his eyes and presses his fingers to the junction of his nose.

"I had a fever, I couldn't get up".

Chan sighs. He doesn't believe him for a moment, but insisting with Jisung is like yelling to a mountain to get up and walk.

+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*

Minho pulls over near the curb to let Jisung and Chan off. He said that he will not join them. He has an interview with a colleague of his parents who may decide to take him as an intern. Chan places a kiss on his boyfriend's lips. A kiss that, according to Jisung, lasts a little too long considering they are not alone, and then he runs into the cafeteria next to the university to get them two iced americanos. Jisung picks up his briefcase and smooths out the creases on his blue cigarette pants.

"You are not well".

Minho is looking at him as people may look at an underfed dog on the side of the road.

"Why do I feel like this is not a question?"

Jisung gets out of the car and closes the door, then walks over to stand next by the other boy and he scrutinizes him for a few seconds. Minho works as a model, it's inevitable for him to be attractive. He has muscular legs, fair skin, and big eyes. But Jisung knows that's not the reason he was hired. The truth is that Minho knows exactly what he wants, from everything. From his job, from his relationship, from life. He has a very strong determination that is impossible not to notice in his gaze.

Jisung instead, and he turns around to look at his image in the rearview mirror, has the gaze of someone who does not even want to be noticed.

"It wasn't. It was an observation".

"I don't need any help".

"I know. You and I are the same".

Jisung bursts out laughing, his laugh drained of any sort of amusement.

"You and I have nothing in common, for your luck".

Minho smiles at him accommodatingly as he places one hand on the steering wheel and one on the gear. Jisung steps out of the car and onto the sidewalk.

He looks at his reflection on Chan’s shiny red car. He can barely recognize the lips he was so proud of, even if it’s ridiculous to think about it now that it seems like centuries have passed. They are a lurid, wispy copy of what they used to be. He has absolutely no recollection of how long it has been since he last kissed someone with that mouth. There is not a single time he can look at himself without a sense of nausea pervading him from head to toe and forcing him to look away immediately. Despite his best efforts, however, his image haunts him wherever he goes and whatever he does.

A rather violent push wakes him up from his thoughts. Minho is still in front of him, huffing because the light is still red and preventing him from moving forward. Jisung turns his head to see where the push came from. He catches a glimpse of the back of a boy who is quickly walking away.

"Hey!"

He yells at him loudly enough so that the latter can hear him above the infernal noise of the traffic, but the boy keeps walking fast, almost quickening his pace.

Jisung moves forward and decides that no, he absolutely does not want to be ignored like that by someone who has just run into him.

"Hey!", he repeats, and starts running until he finds himself behind him. A few meters behind, the green light finally lets Minho turn on the engine.

"I'm not saying you have apologize, but at least you could turn around".

Jisung grabs the arm of the rude stranger who quickly walks into the crosswalk, dragging Jisung with him. He doesn’t even give him a glance and doesn’t turn around.

Jisung opens his mouth and now he is sure that he will not continue to be so kind if this guy is going to avoid him. He absentmindedly hears Chan's footsteps coming out of the cafeteria and he's about to tell him to wait for him just a moment, just long enough for him to clear a few things up with the stranger who has, he's pretty sure, hit him on purpose.

Instead, his ears catch only the sound of the two coffee cups slipping down from his friend's hands and a shrill quiver. He just has the time to turn his head and see Chan with his mouth wide open and his eyes terrified, standing motionless on the sidewalk, with one hand extended in his direction.

"What..."

But he does not have the time to finish the sentence because he feels a tug from the stranger he is still grabbing by the elbow, and then a dull pain.

The last thing he senses is an immense red stain in front of him, smell of burning tires irritating his nostrils and a loud ringing noise in his ears. Then nothing.

+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*

beep beep beep

-Jisung-.

Jisung hears a familiar voice calling him. Jisung? Was that the right name? His ears do not react. Another low sounding voice echoes around him.

"Jisung. Come back. We won't let you go".

Something touches his face, very lightly. A deep breath. Jisung tries to figure out in what position his body is placed. He feels forced into something even though he is almost certain he is lying down. He seems to be missing a piece, a part of himself. There is a strong foreign smell of disinfectant alcohol. He tries to open his eyes but cannot find the right muscles to do so.

"Please".

The first voice, the softer, more familiar one, continues to speak to him. He feels a hand caressing his face and eyelids. Once he feels that pressure, he finally identifies where his eyes are and manages to blink once.

"He is waking up".

It takes him a few moments to bring the scene into focus. There is too much white and the light is glaring. He sees, first blurred and then increasingly sharp, three faces leaning over him. Two of them he recognizes, one of them he does not know to whom he belongs. He closes and reopens his eyelids several times until he completely focuses on his surroundings.

"Where..."

He tries to speak but his voice is unfamiliar, as if he had just finished working in the mine. He coughs and regrets it bitterly a second later. Every breath causes him a painful twinge in his chest.

"You are at the hospital".

Chan speaks to him with shining eyes. Jisung turns his head and sees several tubes attached to his arm.

"What?"

Minho curls an arm around Chan's waist and pulls him close. The doctor, the man whose face he did not recognize, checks the IVs and the monitor beside his bed.

"Talk and move as little as possible. The more you try to rest the faster we can discharge you".

He gives him a smile, then looks apprehensively at the two boys next to him and leaves the room.

"What", repeats Jisung panting. His breathing quickens as he realizes where he is.

"You had an accident". Minho squeezes Chan tightly as he speaks. "You crossed the street all of a sudden, I was too close. I tried to hit the brakes but you were..."

He pauses for a moment, closing his eyes. He tightens his lips as he tries not to fidget like his boyfriend.

"Jisung", continues Chan. "I came out of the cafeteria and I saw you crossing the street with someone. The light was green, Minho was a meter away from you, he couldn't stop on time. He literally drove all over you. You were in a coma for a week. I, we thought ..."

His words are interrupted as he begins to cry his body shaking violently.

One week. One week of coma. Jisung's eyes are wide open and he feels his heart stop.

"We thought you wouldn't make it".

Minho's voice is terribly serious. It is obvious that he feels responsible for what has happened.

"What do I have now?".

The voice seems not to belong to him, as if it came from miles away and he heard only its distant echo.

"You have nothing, that's what no one can understand. You should have your pelvis broken, together with all your ribs, arms and legs. You should have a head injury. You should be dead, really. They did all the checks on you as soon as you got here. Nothing came up. In fact, you weren't even really in a coma. It was like you were asleep. No one has given a plausible explanation, Jisung. It seems like a miracle".

At those words, Chan detangles himself from his boyfriend's protective embrace and collapses on Jisung, crying on his neck and caressing his shoulders and all the parts he can reach.

"I will never be able to forget the noise the car made when it crashed into you. Never".

Minho lowers his head and begins to tremble as well before slumping down in the chair beside the bed. Jisung just lifts his arm to let it rest on Chan's head and stroke his hair. The movement costs him immense effort.

"It's not your fault, Minho".

Minho sinks his hands into his hair and a few tears line his cheeks.

"Yes it is. I should have gone slower, I should have tried to stop earlier, I should have..."

Jisung raises a finger to silence him and shakes his head very slowly. No, he mimes with his lips, it's not your fault. Chan seems to recover and looks up at him.

"I don't think I've ever been so afraid in my life". he whispers and caresses Jisung’s sweat-soaked forehead.

Jisung closes his eyes. He feels his head bursting as if he had a crowd of people inside of it, jumping and banging their feet on his brain.

A week asleep in something which is not even a coma. Nothing broken, no repercussions. Like it never happened. It seems so unreal to him that he thinks he's going to wake up in his room, with the alarm beeping annoyingly and no will to go to class.

Then, in a second, a thought hits him on the spot and he stiffens.

"There was another person. There was another person with me".

It’s little more than a hiss, but Chan and Minho hear him. The two boys look at each other, and Jisung clearly sees something snap. He can almost hear the sound of it when Chan takes his right wrist in his hands, gently.

"The other person died".

Jisung does not sleep that night and neither does the following.

+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*

Jisung is discharged three days later.

His parents called him from the US. The line was bad and he couldn't say much. Not that he had much to tell, he couldn't remember anything, and he wouldn't have wanted to hear their voices anyway. Their son could have died in a car accident, and they didn't even care enough to take a plane to visit him. But he expected it after all. In fact, he is not even that disappointed when he finds out that Chan and Minho were the only ones staying with him during the days he was unconscious.

Jisung decides not to ask the other boy's name. He simply cannot. And even though he does not believe in the existence of God, he thanks him. He thanks him all the way home, with Chan and Minho attached to him, afraid to let him move. He thanks him for seconds, minutes, hours. He thanks him, but not for being alive. He thanks him because he didn’t see his face. If he had, if the boy had turned around when he grabbed his arm, his face would have been sculpted in his mind like a firebrand.

But he didn’t see it, and that allows him a sort of detachment, some dignity. It spares him some pain. That’s why he is grateful to a God in whom he doesn’t even believe. Maybe Jisung will be able to move on without the remorse hunting him, reminding him that if he hadn’t chased him, if he hadn’t screamed and touched him, the boy could still be alive. alive. alive. alive.

"Jisung".

Jisung looks away from the buildings flowing behind the cab window. Chan smiles at him. Minho, two days earlier, confessed that he destroyed the car. He would never be able to get into it again after the accident.

"I'm fine". he answers to the unspoken question.

In fact, it's not even a lie. He is fine, he feels no pain whatsoever and he is able to move perfectly as nothing ever happened. But then he remembers the nape of that neck, the slim waist, the thin arm he grabbed, and he realizes that no, he is not fine at all.

They get outside of his building a few minutes later. Jisung stares at it, standing imposingly in one of the most luxurious parts of the city, and inside he knows he doesn't deserve any of that.

"I'll walk you upstairs".

Chan takes his hand and tries to open the door, but Jisung pulls him back and forces him to sit back in his seat.

"No need. I can go. You guys go and rest".

"Jisung, I will not leave you".

Chan crosses his arms over his chest and looks at him seriously, with a worried frown in his voice.

Jisung knows he just wants to protect him, but Chan doesn't understand how much he needs to stay alone with himself and his thoughts.

"But I need to be alone".

Minho nods understandingly and holds his boyfriend against his chest.

"Call us if you need anything. You know we are here".

Jisung forces a smile. Minho looks at him and he knows it's not spontaneous, but he appreciates that he tried despite everything.

"I know. Thank you".

He gets out of the cab with his small bag containing his clothing, medications and tranquilizers, plus a prescription for a psychologist session that he is certain he will not use. The vehicle behind him disappears into the traffic.

Jisung looks around and everything seems so strange, unnatural, and different, almost frightening to him. With a sigh he crosses the threshold of the building and walks down the hall feeling everyone's gaze on him.

Before anyone can speak to him, however, he steps into the elevator and leans his back against the polished wall. He looks up and tries hard not to think about when, an instant before the crash, he pulled the boy against his chest.

When he enters in his apartment, it almost seems that time did not pass. Everything is still as it was the day of the accident. When Minho came to get his clothes he evidently did not touch anything else, and Jisung mentally thanks him for that. Jisung faces the bed, which is still unmade, and throws himself on it carelessly. The mattress bounces under his weight.

The window is closed, but Seoul's afternoon light filters inside from the large living room balcony. Jisung curls up and closes his eyes trying to silence the voices in his head, and he thinks that somewhere in the universe someone must really hate him.

+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*

He wakes up that it is barely dawn. A dim ray, too weak to really disturb him, hits his sleep-wrinkled face and softens his forehead. He has been tossing and turning in bed all night. Not that he thought he was going to sleep, but he hoped that his head would give him at least a few hours of rest before starting to replay in slow motion the full dynamics of the crash. He listlessly gets up and shuffles into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator in search of something to eat.

He picks up a jar of yogurt, but when he looks at the expiration date he tosses it into the dumpster. A black banana falls into his hand. Jisung shudders because he only eats unripe fruit, and he throws that too. Eventually he finds a box of rice cereals buried on the top floor of the pantry. He begins to eat it leaning against the peninsula of the table while chewing slowly and looking out from the balcony. The city has woken up before him, as far as he can hear from the sound of the engines and horns coming from outside. Living on the top floor of a building in Gangnam is irrelevant if you can't have some peace, he thinks.

When his stomach seems to have calmed down, he decides to take a shower. Maybe that will wash away the horrible feeling of heaviness, together with the hospital smell he has been carrying around for days.

He is about to take off his shirt and pants when he hears his phone ringing insistently.

"How are you?"

Jisung lowers his pants and boxers in one swoop while he puts his phone in an impossible position on the crook of his neck.

"As I should".

"And that is?".

"Like shit, Chan".

He hears a soft snort from the other line. He can imagine his friend pacing up and down in his apartment, trying not to wake up Minho.

"Do you want me to come over? You won’t have anything to eat. I'll bring you lunch later".

Jisung takes off his shirt too and stands naked in the half-light, crossing his legs and closing his eyes.

"Thanks but it's not..."

Chan interrupts him, the angry tone clashing with his pain.

"Han Jisung, don't tell me it's not necessary or I swear I'll kick your ass. I'll just bring you lunch. And don't you dare not to open the door. I spent the night thinking about you, all alone in that huge thing you call home, so I expect you to eat whatever I’ll get you. Did I make myself clear?"

Jisung remains silent a few seconds, waiting for his friend to finish his rant.

"You have made yourself clear. But now get a couple of hours of sleep. When I said I feel like crap I didn't mean I'm going to jump out of a window. Okay?"

"Not at all. See you later".

As usual, the sound of the line makes Jisung wake up completely.

"See you later". he murmurs to himself.

+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*

The water is warm and reddens his skin. Jisung stands still and looks at the ceiling. For a moment he forgets what did happen up to that moment. For a second he is just Han Jisung, he is twenty-three years old, a law student who has two very good friends, a beautiful house and no problems. A normal guy. Everything looks so right inside that steamy cabin where everything exists in its proper place, perfectly set in every corner of his head.

However, when he slides the transparent door open, everything reverts to its disordered state and evaporates along with the drops of boiling water. Jisung absentmindedly observes the skin of his stomach. There are no marks left to testify the accident, and the IV holes are disappearing from his arms. Perhaps time will heal his thoughts as well.

He takes a towel from the closet next to the shower and he vigorously rubs his hair and face. He has no idea about the conditions of his face, to tell the truth. He has not looked at himself for more than a week.

He places the spongy fabric on a shelf and he approaches the mirror. He crinkles his eyes and thousands of black dots appear in front of him, blurring his vision. He staggeringly leans against the sink and waits until he can see everything clearly again. The lights above the mirror are too bright, and Jisung quickly thinks he needs to replace them.

"I must look terrible". he murmurs to himself, laughing dryly.

"You do not".

A voice clearly resonates inside the room.

Jisung turns icy, motionless. A meaningless echo rumbles with the quick realization that someone is there.

Someone broke into.

Into his house. Into his bathroom.

Jisung breath quickens. He keeps his gaze on the sink, trying to figure out where that voice might be coming from.

No one has the keys to his apartment, he thinks disconnectedly. Only Chan knows where he hides them. But a break-in seems unreasonable to him. His apartment is on the 25th floor of a building which is under constant surveillance.

Then who, how, why

"Who are you?"

His voice gushes out rather controlled compared to the nuclear bomb that has just exploded inside his chest. Jisung barely straightens his back and, from the corner of his eyes, he looks behind him, searching for a shadow that would give him a hint of where the stranger is hiding.

"Look up".

The stranger's voice is calm, gentle. A simple observation.

Jisung straightens up a bit. The voice is not coming from behind, he is sure.

"Who are you?" he repeats.

This time his mask of fake strength cracks blatantly. He takes a fleeting glance at his hands and he is not surprised to find them shaking.

"Why don't you see it by yourself?"

Jisung's brain makes a space-time jump. He is no longer inside his bathroom, but in his parents' house. In the living room, to be exact. He is sixteen years old, with fairly long and neglected hair, and an uncertain smile on his face. His brother is sitting in front of him. He is talking to him.

"When you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation", he tells him, "and you can't make the right decision, you have to consider everything you see as a dream inside your imagination. A dream you are living as the protagonist. You think you don't know what is going to happen, but the only one who decides the fate of the ending is you. Even if you don't know it. Even if the events make no sense. You are the only master of your dream and the only director of your life. So, take a breath, open your eyes and observe. Don't get carried away by your emotions. Watch everything as if it doesn’t affect you personally. Because, at the end, it’s just a scene in the movie you are filming. Twists and turns are inevitable, but if you pay attention you will see that there are small discrepancies between the reels that you change. You just have to watch and breathe. Just that, Jisung. Watch and breathe".

Watch and breathe.

Jisung hears those words blowing in his ears. He lifts his head and, somewhere far away, he hears the ticking of water drops falling on the floor.

In front of him there is still the same mirror framing in perspective the bathroom where he is standing. Watching and breathing.

Jisung watches and breathes.

He watches the reflection of a fair body in front of him, a body with a small chest and narrow shoulders, eyes large and expressive, hair blonde, long and neat.

He breathes what must be liquid oxygen, because he feels it flowing differently inside his lungs, it cannot be just air.

He watches a pair of red lips, a small nose, and milky skin adorned with freckles. A face that almost seems to glow under the light of the bulb. He breathes sweat, and he feels as if it rests on his body in a veil, enveloping him completely.

He watches a shy smile, not bold or opinionated. A smile which is just overwhelmingly sweet.

He watches a face of a stranger he has never seen. And he breathes, breathes blood bubbling unsteadily under his enlarged veins.

The reflection in the mirror is not Jisung. The reflection in the mirror is everything Jisung is not. Because Jisung has a tan body, a broad chest and broad shoulders. Jisung has sharp, dull eyes, wet hair, and pale, wispy lips. His nose is bigger and his skin is dull despite of being damp from the shower. Jisung does not smile under the light bulb. Jisung has something that prevents him from pulling his facial muscles and curling his mouth. Jisung is naked in front of the mirror, yet he is wearing a mask. Jisung doesn’t shine, above all. He doesn’t shine.

The boy behind the mirror watches him and breathes. He watches him and breathes in a way that is the same of Jisung, but so much different that it almost hurts. So he reaches out his hand and rests it on the surface of the glass, as to reassure him.

And that’s when he speaks again, when his voice echoes inside that room, that Jisung knows that he is really what he will never be.

"I have always been here". he says.

Then all the lights turn off, or perhaps it’s Jisung himself that is turning off. He closes his eyes and it almost feels like an abomination because he was finally seeing a light.

The last image he sees it’s a hand on a glass in a bathroom, in a building, in a city whose name he cannot remember.

But that's okay.

Because Jisung believes him.

+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*

©️ jilixthinker, 2023. please do not copy, translate, or republish my works anywhere.

#stray kids #skz #han jisung #lee felix #felix #skz angst #skz supernatural #skz smut #han jisung smut #felix smut #skz imagines #stray kids imagines #skz imagine #stray kids hard thoughts #stray kids smut

74 notes · View notes

pretty-little-howtown · 1 year

Text

Han Jisung x Idol!Reader

Genre: Suggestive, Fluff, Angust

Warnings: None (I know of, if there are any please let me know)

Word Count: 9569

Masterlist

You are a part of a 6 member girl group (CELESTE) under JYP

The group has a sort of ethereal almost mythological vibe

Each member represents, a mythical creature

The group had two previous comebacks before this theme

Mihi (lead dancer and sun vocals): fairy

The closest to the two previous comebacks

glitter purples pinks

art deco inspired, ordinary objects are pretty and ornate

Flowers, petals, some wind motifs as well

Hee-young(main vocalist, visual, makne):angel

sky heaven themes

Has a massive pair of wings in the MV

Gold, light blue

Wind motifs feathers

Yuri (main dancer, main vocals and sub rapper): elf

Also, elegant but there are glimpses of something darker

tree themes (think Galadriel LOTR)

Foresty, vines, some crystals mostly opal diamond selenite moonstone and white howlite

honestly, Lord of the Rings stylez

Aera (lead vocalist, visual): nymph

floral themes, water lilies, some more water themes

Perhaps suggest a sort of rusalka vibes (not explicit, just some sort of implication the nymph may be a vengeful spirit???)

The darker parts are more obvious but with a brighter colour palette that acts as a kind of misdirect

(Sugar Rush TXT vibes)

Y/N (main rapper, main vocals and sub dancer): vampire

The dark parts are now on full display, and fully embraced

deep red blues greens

Lace, silver

gothic with a splash of grunge

Title track has scream’s (dreamcatcher) styling with the lacy dress parts not the magic in the MV lol with a cross between Odd Eye and Nxde (with it’s sampling of classical music)

B side track is the one you got to go crazy on. It’s full rock/ metal think I Miss the Misery by Halestorm with Odd Eye’s styling)

Nam-Gli (leader and lead rapper): witch

The dark parts continue with as much elegance, but there’s a certain finality to it

dark purples, black, gold, and silver

Misty, foresty but a darker green to Yuri similar to Odd Eye MV

(As an aside: the birth order is Nam-Gli, Y/N, Aera, Mihi, Yuri, Hee-young)

Each comeback is based on one of the mythical creatures of one of the members

The group is very popular, but because comebacks are rarer than for most k-groups not massively successful

A lot goes into giving the perfect vibe, a lot of you do brand deals and modeling on the side. Aera has two dramas under her belt

You, Yuri and Nam-Gli have your own lil side trio, with you and Yuri being a duo when Nam-Gli is busy. y’all cover your favorite songs usually by other trios

The three of you had covered 3RACHA songs several times and the fans loved it

The three of you settled on the members that complemented your rapping styles with Nam-gli usually covering Han’s lines Yuri Changbin’s and you Bang Chan’s

The fans absolutely adored your little trios 3RACHA covers so JYP had the grand idea of getting your groups together and you started doing more activities with them

It started off slowly, with the label testing the waters

At first it was just your trio and 3RACHA doing a lyric challenge of sorts where they would have to rap the next line of yours and your group members verses while you would have to do the same with 3RACHA songs

The atmosphere was really nice and to your surprise you seemed to bounce off Jisung the most

You didn’t really think much of it at the time, the company probably wanted to strike while the iron was hot and get both groups some more promotion

You didn’t really think you’d see any of Stray Kids again

The company, however, had other ideas. After the fan response they knew they struck gold and quickly set up more activities for both groups

Despite initially being shocked to see Stray Kids again you found yourself natural drifting towards Jisung in the group interactions

Really quickly it was easy to see you and Jisung had wonderful chemistry in the group shows and so you ended up doing separate vlives just the two of you

The very first one started off a bit strange, the two of you had no idea what to say to each other when it was just the two of you. During group activities, the two of you would sit next to each other either piling on top of one another in fits of laughter when another member said something you found funny; defending something either of you said that you agreed on, or playfully arguing whenever you inevitably disagreed

One time, both groups were asked if a sauna was burning, what would you rather cover your private parts or your face. You and Jisung collapsed in on each other when Seungmin said the question was probably which would you protect from burning

In short, you could always rely on other members to say something for the two of you to react to

You both awkwardly asked how your morning was at the same time before bursting out with laughter, slightly diffusing the tension. While the rest of the live was slightly awkward, the initial icebreaker allowed you to joke with each other a little more

From then on, the lives usually consisted of you guys catching up with each other, Jisung excitedly telling you about his busy days while you filled him in on yours

The lives had different vibes depending on where they took place, if it was in the Stray Kids dorm the lives were far more chaotic; one day he threw a pillow at you. You glared at him, beckoning with your finger for him to come over. He looked terrified, and you struggled to keep your grin in. You subtly grasped the pillow he threw at you in your hand and hit him with all your strength, starting a pillow fight which, much to your chagrin, Jisung ended up winning

He would always do mildly annoying things to get a rise out of you, but you dealt with it with a Stoic patience, only occasionally giving in. Every live always ended in laughter

You would often stay round afterward as both of you had a break, he was remarkably chill when the cameras weren’t on him, it was difficult to get used to but refreshing

After a few hours of being high energy, you were both tired, so you’d either put on a movie or scroll through your phones, showing each other memes and catching each other up on things you couldn’t say on camera

You told him about all the comebacks for Celeste. He asked more about the groups' concept in general, and you happily explained how with each comeback a certain member is focused on as it’s their theme. Celeste's last comeback was fairy themed, so Mihi was featured the most, and she had more freedom to implement her vision. You joked that for this comeback, she became the group's pseudo leader

Jisung quickly asked when your theme would come up.

You said not for a while, as the company wants the group to establish themselves with more feminine themes first. You said Yuri’s was next, and you were still super excited by it. The concept she talked you through sounded amazing

“What concept have you got?” Jisung quickly asked. He was leaning towards you on the couch, and he’d put his phone down, listening intently

You were extremely taken aback, you’d talked at length about it with your group, seeing if they were okay with all your ideas, and they were annoyingly accommodating it made you want to cry a little.

They’d suggest ways to make your vision come true without compromising it in any way. They said it was because you did the exact same thing with their ideas. It made them really happy, and they wanted to make you happy as well

You shyly started with the mythological creature your theme was about and Jisung’s eyes went wide, “Vampire?! That’s so cool!!”

This boosted your confidence a little and you told him everything. How you wanted it to be inspired by classic vampire literature with a modern rock twist. You listed your inspirations from Dracula and Carmila to Halestorm’s music. You said you wanted the music video set to be in a gothic revival house (you didn’t mind if it was a replica or green screen as long as it fit the vibe) like Strawberry Hill in London. You realized that the rock vibe probably won’t be accepted by the higher ups, but you were sure as hell gonna try

Jisung looked at you in awe, you were amazing already, but even more so when you talked about your project. The determination in your eyes made him smile

Lives in your groups' dorm were a lot more chilled out, both of you having chill conversations perhaps scrolling through your phones if there was a lull in activity on the vlive but mostly responding to comments made by fans

This is where the fans really got to see a different side to the both of you. Often you would be working on something while Jisung read out the comments. You stop what you were doing and join in the conversation. Then you would switch, Jisung would put in an ear bud and work on his music while you carried the conversation

Occasionally you would set out vlives where people could just work with the two of you, usually when you had deadlines coming up

In the vlives at your dorm you would always be draped over each other in some way, just general keeping physical contact

For some reason after these vlives Jisung was full of energy and would end up causing a raucous, the two of you had a makeshift lightsaber fight, and you enjoyed it so much the two of you impulsive brought lightsaber replicas after

When yours arrived, you raced over to the Stray Kids dorm ready to challenge Jisung, you burst through his door activating your white lightsaber, but your eyes went wide when you noticed he was in the middle of a live

You blinked a couple times trying to hold back a laugh, “I’m so sorry, I’ll wait” you left the room with your lightsaber making whooshing noises as you left the room and closed the door

You could hear Jisung burst out laughing as Minho passed you, saying “told you so”

You quickly checked the vlive to make sure the fans weren’t mad that you interpreted, thankfully only a small handful said what you did was really disrespectful, while most were clearly enjoying themselves. There were lots of laughing emojis, with loads asking if it was a lightsaber

Jisung replied smiling saying how after your last vlive together you impulse brought yourselves lightsabers, “mine actually came today” he enthused and took out a purple lightsaber

You laughed as he swooshed it around, hearing the replica make the noise

Your cheeks heated up when all the comments started saying “lmao y/n’s a massive nerd’ Jisung laughed on your phone screen nodding his head

His eyes seemed to light up as he talked about how much you loved Star Wars and how you knew so many historical facts and how much you knew about architecture

Your stomach pleasantly twisted, causing a shiver to run up your spine

You saw Jisung sign off and quickly pocketed your phone, but not before you saw a comment teasingly saying he ‘shouldn’t keep his girlfriend waiting’

You hopped Jisung didn't glimpse that one, you knew he’d overthink your friendship and might stop acting in the same way he did

Besides, you didn’t need him overthinking at the same time as you were

He swung the door open and stared at you, expression unreadable. He took his lightsaber from behind his back and activated it, the purple glow lightly illuminated his upper body

You activated yours, and you dueled each other throughout the dorm before collapsing on the sofa and watching a movie like usual

A couple of days later, your two groups had to complete a series of challenges pulled from a challenge pile, you read yours out loud “challenge someone on the opposite team to a lightsaber duel”

You and Jisung burst out laughing, confusing both of your band members

You fell first. On a separate vlive someone asked how you’d managed to find such a good friend in Jisung, you look at the comment a little shocked, you didn’t know how to answer

Of course the content your groups make was thought of by the company for further promotion and without that you doubt you would have ever met Jisung

You tell the truth: you’re not sure, “but he always takes care of me. He always checks if I’ve eaten and checks in to see how I’m feeling, and I return the gesture in kind.” He’s always drinking energy drinks, and you’ve been trying to get him to cut back at least a little. “You’ve all seen the vlives I’m sure, and it thinks it’s really easy to tell that we’ve got a good rapport with each other and I think we’re gonna be good friends for a really long time”

Your heart clenches when you say friend, and you realise you want something more than just friendship

Jisung takes longer to come to terms with his feelings but where you lacked in action on your end he did not hesitate to initiate

Every time someone asks about you on one of his vlives his eyes light up as he compliments you to no end “she’s so nice, she always checks in on me, makes sure I’ve eaten. Oh! She’s trying to get me to cut back on energy drinks because the caffeine is bad for you and I drink way too much.” He’ll then go on to talk about your stage presence and how it absolutely mesmerises him and how you were the first member that caught his eye when your group debuted even though the fairy theme is the complete opposite of yours, you killed it

It takes relentless teasing from his band mates before he realises his feelings for you

He walks in after one of his vlives and his band mates are all talking about the will they won’t, they between the two do you

When they mention it to Jisung he obviously denies it saying he’d know if he had feelings for you, and he doesn’t, you’re just friends

Minho looks at him incredulously and pulls out an edit he saw of the two of you made by, clearly a very dedicated fan, “you look at her like you’d look at a girlfriend, and you say you don’t have feelings for her” he scoffs. “I do not look at her like that, and I do not have feelings for her. Can we drop this?”

That same night, he can’t help but reach for his phone and search your names on TikTok

The more edits he watches, the more he notices how he’s staring at you. His eyes really do betray him, and he remembered back to his vlive how his heart pounded when he talked about you and how he couldn’t stop smiling

He’d fallen hard

And just in time for your theme to be the centre of your group’s comeback

You kept it from Jisung because you wanted it to be a surprise you knew how excited he was for your theme to come up and every time he said it you willed your heart not to explode

Loads of your friends were excited, Jisung was no different, you told yourself

The comeback was steeped in deep blues, rich reds and engulfing greens, silver necklaces and black lace. The music’s tone was darker, like something watching from the shadows; it sent a chill down his spine as he watched the MV

You sampled a lot more classical music as well as used more classical instruments (violin especially) to give a more gothic feel to the comeback, all somehow perfectly intertwined with some fully rock songs.

At the very end, you let out a splendidly sultry laugh, showing off the fangs made especially for the comeback. If you had to be honest you kinda liked them, probably too much

JYP decided it would be good publicity for both groups to have Stray Kids react to your group’s most recent comeback, especially as the two groups were still close despite your groups popularity rising and thus having less activities together

There were lots of shocked expressions and ‘whoas’ coming from the group in general. They were used to the bright colour palettes and upbeat feelings of your group's songs

Despite there being a lot of posing and standing, the boys found it endlessly compelling, there were bursts of quick movement where the screen would go blank, and you would end up in a different place on the screen

Similarly, there would be a blur of motion followed by one of the members changing their position in the room

Jisung watched intently whenever, you showed up on screen of the title track’s MV, by the end he was brimming with pride knowing you were the main driving force behind the comeback

He watched you fully sink into the role, more than he’d ever seen you do before, you embodied the vampires of legend, you were dangerous but endlessly enticing

While most of the scenes took place on a set that resembled and old mediaeval castle, the choreography scenes were set inside a hall clearly inspired by Strawberry Hill

Chan, mostly impressed with the composition of the song, asked who’s theme the comeback was, before someone from behind the camera could answer Jisung beamed and yelled “Y/N’s it was Y/N’s.”

When the group looked at him questioningly, he said you had told him everything about your vision, he just had no idea it was coming up next. You must have kept it from him as a surprise

The group talked more about what they thought was really good about the comeback’s title track, from the lyrics to the set design

Next, they showed the boys the album’s B-side track; even Jisung, knowing everything he did, was utterly shocked. Like you mentioned, he didn’t think the company would allow you to do a fully rock song

The lyrics seemed to hit really close to home, the song expressed the frustration in knowing your feelings for someone but not being able to do anything about it, having to hold back every time they’re around you. Not allowing yourself to give in and the hurt that carried with that

Not to mention, the visuals were heartbreakingly beautiful, seeing you laying in a forest with a—very familiar to him—band hoodie and ripped bell bottom jeans just staring at the sky made him feel things!

All he could do was stare at the screen watching the credits roll by, and he kept noticing your name a lot more than in the title track

Everyone was in awe and thought they’d seen it all

The video ended with the whole of Stray Kids wishing your group the best of luck throughout your promotion and that they’ll see your group at your comeback stage

Needless to say it was an absolute hit, within the first couple hours there were already thousands views on the title track’s MV with the number was steadily growing

You and your group prepared frantically for the comeback backstage. Everyone was rushing about getting makeup and any clothing alterations done

Yuri rushed over to you to make sure you were okay, judging from your expression you were very anxious, “hey, what are you worried about?” she asked

You were taken slightly aback that she was able to tell, but realistically, who wouldn’t. It was very clear you had been a ball of stress ever since before the comeback was even released. “I don’t know, just-what if it all goes horribly wrong? It’s on me, I suggested the concept. I picked all the outfits, set the staging, sure the video has enough views, but they’re a meaningless metric of popularity for the company. If they don’t receive a high profit from album sales and promotions, that’s it. It’s the end-”

You continued rambling until Yuri interrupted you, “you were not the only one, if the company saw something they knew wouldn’t work they wouldn’t have let it happen. Besides, this comeback was awesome! I, for one, loved every second. I don’t think that’s the only reason you're nervous. I think it has something to do with a certain boy group member you often hang out with and his opinion”

You gave her a warning glance, taking a deep breath. Yuri just patted you on the back and let you finish getting ready

Jisung watched the entire comeback stage in awe, his expectations were utterly blown away, you looked stunning in your outfit and the looks you gave on stage were perfect

You brilliantly embodied the essence of enticing but deadly on screen and stage

The red skirt opened and closed around your thighs with every movement, contrasting with the tucked in baggy band T-shirt, that was also in the B-side music video. He smiled, you thought of every detail

God, he wanted to kiss you so bad

With the very last beat of the stage, fake blood was poured all over you and staying in character you smirked at the camera running your tongue over your teeth as you grinned bringing attention to the fangs you’d worn for the performance

You got a small break where you promote the album more, telling them there were more performances still to go

You did all that without paying any attention to the blood still dripping down your face, seeping into your clothes and Jisung couldn’t keep the image of you grinning as blood dripped down your face out of his head

you took one last gulp of water and set yourself in position for the B-Side track performance

It was just as high energy as the title track but with more intricate group movements usually surrounding you singing your lungs out in the middle

At the end you all bowed and one of the staff came out in stage whispering in your ear and ushering you off stage

Everyone was confused until Nam-Gli clarified the staff wanted you to get changed because the dripping blood was a bit of a safety hazard, all while avoiding several pools of fake blood on the floor

The audience and group laughed at the side steps, but thankfully staff came out with mops cleaning the blood patches

As they’d finished you ran back on stage and Jisung nearly choked, there was no way you could have looked more stunning on your big day yet here you were. Pulling out surprise after surprise

The entire outfit was skin tight, a stark contrast from the previous look, under the black jacket's front buckles was a black bustier top that slotted inside the hem of the leather chained and pleated skirt

Jisung was relieved to see you kept the thigh highs, he’d never admit it, but they were his favourite part of the ensemble

The stage continued with renditions of previous songs as well as a rehash of the title and B-Side until, tired and ready for bed, your group bid everyone goodbye leaving the stage

Turns out Stray Kids left early because they were all stood backstage waiting to congratulate you all

Jisung launched himself at you as soon as he saw you, enveloping you and in a tight hug. He breathed in your scent as he buried his face in your neck and refused to let go, until Chan cleared his throat at which point you separated

After several congratulations and cheers, the conversations started separating off

You stood next to Jisung with Changbin and Yuri, all of you conversing about the coming days both for your group and Stray Kids

You barely paid attention to their words, hyper focused on how close your hand was to the Jisung’s, you could feel the heat radiating off it

One tiny shift and your pinkies would be intertwined, another small shift, and you’d comfortably fold your hand into his

Your hand twitched a little at the thought, so desperate to follow through on your desires but ultimately stopping short

You couldn’t do it, you made up excuses for yourself, he hasn’t given any clear indication he likes you, the dreaded dating ban. Not that you followed all the rules, but this one was just too convenient

When you left your daze Jisung was staring at you and once you made eye contact he reached for your hand folding it into his own

Your heart jumped, did this mean what you thought it meant ?

“Can I speak to you?” you saw a small flash of pink dust his cheeks, “privately”

Your heart lurched again as you nodded, not breaking eye contact

He dragged you into a dressing room and stood in front of you, this time holding both your hands

“I wanted to take a moment to congratulate you, personally. You were amazing. I mean, I couldn’t take my eyes off you. You were mesmerising,” he grinned, and you smiled back, your heart swelling with each word.

“I’m so proud of all you’ve accomplished already, and it’s only the beginning”

Meanwhile, the group were placing bets as to why Jisung pulled you into another room, he wasn’t exactly subtle

“They’re definitely gonna bone?” Minho deadpanned

“Ew gross, they’re not gonna do that”, exclaimed Mihi

“No I agree, Jisung’s too much of a chicken, probably hasn’t even kissed her,” Changbin teased

Felix then chimed in, “it’s weird he’d go for Y/N. I was always under the impression Nam-Gli would be more his type”

“Please,” she dismissed Felix’s claim, “I want someone who can take care of me, I’ve already got my hand full raising these four”

“What about Y/N?” Chan frowned

“She’s an equally stressed parent” Nam-Gil smiled and the group laughed

Back in the dressing room, Jisung continued, “I can’t wait to see my best friend grow and become even more famous!”

Wuhoh, ‘best friend’ your brain wouldn’t stop repeating the word, it packed onto it and refused to let go

Jisung regretted it as soon as he said it, it felt so wrong, it made his stomach churn

You managed a weak smile and replied, “thank you so much,” you slipped your hands from Jisung’s warm hold, “we should probably head back and all go home. It’s late, I don’t want the girls to think I’m doing anything weird”

“Oh yes, totally, this was just a casual conversation between best friends,” Jisung really couldn’t stop himself. He had no idea what else to say, my crush? A conversation between two people who could possibly grow to have a long and beautiful relationship? Maybe start a family that spans a generation, with each child being more successful than the previous?

At least ‘best friend’ wouldn’t freak her out as much he thought

‘Best friend’ that infernal title was stuck with you all the way to your bed, nagging you and telling you we're stupidly misinterpreting the signals. He was just being friendly

Soon you fell into a flat dreamless sleep

When Jisung got back instead of sleeping, he looked up his and your name again. On TikTok, YouTube, everything. He found several edits that made him smile a little

Twitter, however, made him blush the most, it was filled with playful ‘wish he looked at me like that’ followed by screenshots of his staring at you in joint lives

Others were from the video filmed of his group's reactions to your comeback. The tweets talked about how absolutely whipped he looked for you, mostly with, ‘we all know who that look’s for ;)’ and ‘jiy/n dating when?’ comments

Part of him hoped you’d see these and know, he didn’t mean that he only wanted to be best friends but the other hopped to god you didn’t see them to save him the embarrassment

He fell asleep to an edit of the two of you with the classic sickly love song played in the background

You weren’t able to see Jisung as often as you had previously, the comeback schedule was gruelling, but perhaps it was for the better

At least not seeing him meant you didn’t have to hear ‘best friend’ emerge from his lips and painfully lodge itself inside your heart

Jisung, however, couldn’t help but feel upset. Every time he saw you his heart filled with a strange mix of pride and adoration with an insufferable anxiety because why were you only just texting him back it’s been an hour?

Your comeback schedule kept you too busy for Jisung’s liking. He understood, he really did, but after the so dubbed ‘best friend’ incident he was constantly on edge seeing you

Maybe ‘best friend’ did freak you out and your comeback was nothing but a perfectly convenient excuse to ignore him

You sat on a raised bench behind three of your bandmates in between the other two, there was no missing you

Each of one of you was given a pointer for your ‘most likely to’ game

You enjoyed some fun ones like, “who’s most likely to stack it on a night out?” “who would not realise they stayed up all night because they were too busy playing video games?” etc.

It was hilarious getting to know new things about your members you never would have before

When the next question got asked, you froze, ‘most likely to fall in love with someone from another group?’

Act natural you thought as everyone pointed at you

You tried to diffuse some of your nerves by delaying your point for comedic effect, the MC laughed, so it must have worked a little

“Me?” you mock gasped, “I would never!” all the members laughed, and you chuckled along with them

“Oh, are you sure?” Yuri teased, “it seems exactly like something you’d do”

“In all seriousness is it?” the MC asked

“I mean, if it happens, it happens” your heart skipped a beat thinking of one person in particular. “I’d like to say, I’m aware our group's dating ban isn’t over yet, so I wouldn’t do anything I’m not supposed to. Besides, feelings aren’t always reciprocated” you ended with a bittersweet smile

Feeling the tension you left in the air, you spoke up again, “unless of course your Yuri, who responds to so much fan mail she can barely keep up,” you smiled brightly

Yuri blushed to the backdrop of all the members laughing, “aww don’t be embarrassed, it’s cute” you smiled again, and she shyly smiled back with the rest of the members giving small chuckles at the interaction

Jisung had finally decided on something to occupy his time with.

He had been working on lyrics to a new song

The frustration that came with the “best friend” incident gave him a sick sort of inspiration, making him want to write his feelings into song

One song was about how one person can make you want to be the best version of yourself while the other, he imagined, as a sort of sister track to your comebacks b-side track

He quickly looked up from his notebook to his phone, still pinging with a notification

He picked it up immediately, hoping it was a text from you

Sadly it was just a YouTube notification for your group’s newest video

He was curious and couldn’t stop himself from clicking the notification and watching the video

He laughed a couple of times thinking how he would have probably picked the same members having known them for so long

All of a sudden, all the pointers are on you

The answer to the question sparked hope in Jisung, if you were most likely to get with someone from another group he could shoot his shot

Perhaps the “best friend” incident was long forgotten, but his heart wrenched when he heard your response

To him, it was clearly aimed and didn’t miss

As a result he decided to drop hints like Hansel and Gretel dropped crumbs in your next vlive hopping the trail would lead you to his true feelings

He started the live before you came in so the two of you could get right to it, and he could have your usual alone time with you quicker

You walked into his dorm room with heavy steps

You’d rushed over after recording the relay dance for the B-side track and were exhausted, but you really couldn’t miss this opportunity. You hadn’t properly interacted with fans in weeks

Jisung noticed immediately and asked if you were okay. You just tiredly looked at him and sat down with a lopsided smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes

You didn’t want to admit in front of fans that you were exhausted

Jisung noticed and did the first thing he could think of to distract the fans

“Where's my hug?” he pouted, and you looked at him confused

Jisung continued his half serious pout, “I really wanted a hug but since you won’t give me one I’ll have to take it!” he grinned and quickly wrapped you up tightly in his arms

“Jisung come on, let go,” you lightly chuckled

“Nope, I’m not letting go until you hug me back,” Jisung proudly stated

You rolled your eyes smiling and wrapped your arms around his neck burying your head in it, and he did the same

You breathed in his scent and whispered in his ear, “I feel a lot less tired now, thank you” then pulled away and smiled

“You happy now?” You teased out loud

Jisung’s heart beat so fast in his chest the rest of his body couldn’t seem to keep up, but he smiled nonetheless

He started at you and gave you a killer grin, “I’m always happy when you’re around”

It was your heart's turn to explode. You bit your lip and turned round to the screen seeing the comments full off, ‘ew guys get a room’ with Jisung quickly replying that they’re already in one making your eyes go wide

He then quickly and expertly changed the topic asking how everyone was and what they were up to, picking out and responding to the ones he managed to catch in the sea of comments

The live went by smoothly, and you noticed Jisung would bump your hand with his every so often almost like he wanted to take your hand, god you wanted him to take your hand

He pulled away to switch the song that he’d put it on in the background and carried on talking to the fans

You really tried to stay in the conversation, but you zoned out singing along to the music under your breath (imagining 2/14 by the band CAMINO)

Jisung noticed and smiled before joining in

You both fell into the rhythm of the music, vocals effortlessly moulding together into a beautiful concert

The fans adored it, with comments of ‘you guys should perform together!’

You smiled at each other and said that maybe one day you’d be able to get it organised

When the live ended, he grasped your hand, fulfilling your deepest want of the moment before leading you away to the sofa when he draped himself over you as soon as you sat down

“You sure you’re okay?” Jisung asked, “you looked absolutely exhausted.” He looked at you with care and sympathy. You replied that you were better now, just tired from filming

He, still draped over you on the sofa, tangled your legs together and asked you to tell him what you’d been up to

You indulged him relaying the events of the day

Jisung didn’t look away for a single moment, his eyes betrayed warmth as he inched closer to you

You drew out the last syllable of your sentence and went silent, looking into Jisung’s eyes

Your breath hitched, and your eyes were half closed as his face closed in on yours. “Ji,” you breathed, “what are you going?” you whispered smiling and glancing at his lips

“Call me that more,” he sighed, looking up from your lips to meet your eyes; a fire just behind his pupils

This was it, it was the moment you’d know Jisung didn’t mean the stupid friend comment, there’s no way you could be friends when all he wants to do is kiss you until you were out of breath

There’s no way he could only be friends with you when he wants to nip chains of bruises down your collarbone

There’s no way he could only be friends when he wanted you to rake your hands through his hair

Time slowed to a crawl, you were in a parallel universe where time didn’t move and the consequences of a kiss didn’t matter

A parallel universe with just the two of you, no company, no toxic fans, nothing that would get in the way of your affection for one another; where your connection wouldn’t be denied but accepted and encouraged

You focused on his lips, and you felt his searing breath on your lips

He was so close, you were impatient

Before you could launch yourself at him, you heard a sharp knock on the door

The two of you threw yourselves at opposite ends of the sofa as the voice that belong to the knock said “I’m coming in”

The door opens, revealing a mildly annoyed Minho “are you coming or did you forget?”

Jisung stared at him blankly, you could see the cogs moving in his brain, and he yelled apologies

He shot up from the couch, and you knew this was your cue to leave

You walked to the door but were stopped by Jisung who wrapped his arms around you and quickly whispered “I’ll see you soon”

Your lips were still blazing on the way back to your dorm

Your members were enjoying their free time by watching a new drama on Netflix as you walked through the door

You took off, your shoes and sat down next to Aera on the arm of the sofa

Everyone turned to face you and Nam-Gli asked, “So how was it?”

You gulped and yelled, “such a normal time!”

“Why are you being weird?” Yuri asked, eyeing you up suspiciously

“I’m not being weird, you're being weird,” you rapidly released the words

“Very chill response,” Yuri responded in a flat tone, “now tell us what happened”

“Me and Ji- we,” you took a deep breath, “we nearly kissed. Minho interrupted. Turns out he had to go to an event but forgot about it”

You looked away as they yelled in surprise

“What are you gonna do when you see him next? You guys have another vlive in about two weeks, don't you?” Mihi asked

“Honestly, I don’t think I can face him after this. What am I supposed to say? ‘Let's continue where we left off?’” you grimaced

“YES,” Yuri yelled, “just get together already! Do not use the dating ban excuse, I know for a fact you couldn't care less”

The two of you argued about the importance of the dating ban, with you trying to defend yourself because ‘it’s not just an excuse’

“Okay, we get it you disagree,” Nam-Gli quelled the fire. “How about you give yourself until your next vlive together to see him? That way you can put it out of your mind?”

You nodded, grateful for her intervention, you relaxed and continued watching the drama with the rest of the group

You woke up feeling refreshed until you remembered why you wanted sleep to refresh you

Your heart started racing, remembering the events of the last day, and you couldn’t help but smile

There was hope after all

Be quickly the hope turned to anxiety, the dating ban was still in effect and would be for another few weeks, and you promised fans you and Jisung would perform together

That meant weeks of working closely with him every day after the two of you nearly kissed

You took out the switch you’d saved up for a booted up Legend of Zelda, hoping it would distract you, and it worked for a couple of hours

You finally found one of Links missing memories and as the cut scene played it was strangely captivating

Usually you would have skipped over it, having played this game to completion several times already. But something about the way Zelda looked at Link was familiar

You couldn’t help it when you reached for the phone you had been religiously ignoring since waking up

You clicked on his contact, seeing only one unread message when you expected more: ‘how do you want to pitch a song cover to the company?’

You couldn’t decide if you were relieved or angry that he said nothing about yesterday’s incident

You ignored it for as long as your mind would allow you before you huffed and picked up your phone

You replied with a mostly generic response about how the fans really wanted it and it would give both of your groups exposure

The two of you texted back and forth until you had a plan of action and before long you decided to meet with the company in a couple days as Jisung already managed to set up a meeting with the execs somehow

Overall the conversation was painfully professional. Neither of you cracked any jokes or referenced your favourite shows. It was so unlike you

Despite all of this you still hoped, he set up the meeting way too quickly.

Of course there was the possibility he wanted this partnership over with as quickly as possible but there was no way that could be true. Not with the fire behind his eyes when he looked at you

Jisung waited impatiently in the building lobby for you to appear

You hadn’t brought up the nearly kiss at all and he was worried. Did you think he was weird? Maybe he should have waited and dropped more hints. Was he moving too fast?

He nerves stilled when you walked through the door, despite your smile being slightly awkward it made Jisung feel light

“So shall we?” you asked

It was a simple phrase that meant nothing but what was on the tin but it made Jisung soar, he hadn’t heard your voice in longer than you would like

The two of you talked to the executives who loved your idea

Jisung watched as you professionally presented all the benefits this collaboration would have and how this is something that the company would be able to carry on into the future

He wasn’t expecting you to say anything about the future especially after the last incident

As you wrapped up your pitch the execs asked what song the two of you wanted to cover, Jisung hadn’t even thought that far but it seems you had. Immediately with confidence you said ‘PING PONG’ by Hyuna and Dawn

He could feel heat crawl up his face but despite this he still nodded his head and smiled after seeing your own impossibly infectious grin

“Great the matter is settled, you guys can work on it in time for the next award show” one of the execs said with a grin

The next few weeks you and Jisung saw each other every day for at least and hour if not more

Both of you decided to work on learning the choreography first because at you listened to the song to learn the choreography you’d pick up the lyrics easily

As a result your joint lives were mostly updating fans on how the rehearsal process was going

Despite your worst fears the vlives weren’t as awkward as you pictured, the energy flowed between the two of you effortlessly

However, you noticed how where previously he’s have a hand on some part of you body be it you are or your knee, he now refused to have any part of him closer than would be considered disrespectful

You missed his warmth. You were upset because you could tell he was holding himself back

You could imagine why, but it’s not like you pulled away during the incident. In Fact you distinctly remember yourself moving closer, until Miho barged in

Between the bittersweet lives and standing nearly every spare moment practising with Jisung the award show hd rolled around quicker that you expected

For some reason you signed yourself and Jisung up to be the opening act for the award show and regretted it

It hit you that you were supposed to perform a song made for a performed by a couple

Just you and Jisung. Just you and the one person you wished desperately to be in a relationship with but couldn’t

It was all well and good casually running through all the moves in rehearsal but this was serious

You felt nervous as you thought about what the fans would say

Most would not doubt enjoy it but you couldn't help but focus on the ones who believed they owned the idols they admire

All of a sudden you were hyper aware of the dating ban that had ended only a couple days prior

If the two of you were too close it would not doubt cause a scandal

Your mind spiralled as you imagined the headlines calling you undignified, loose, easy

“Hey, you’re gonna do amazing,” were the words that stopped your spiral, they were soft and reassuring. You knew painfully well who they belonged to

You took a deep breath and looked Jisung in the eye and he smiled

It made you insides melt and you were certain he could see it on you face because his eyes darted to you lips for a split second

You recalled how close he was to kissing you in his dorm room and once again thought back to the dating ban

If it was finished surely there was no harm right?

“Yeah, we’re gonna smash this,” you smiled back. “We’ve rehearsed this song so much it might as well have been made for us to perform,” you joked begging no one noticed the implications of your statement

Jisung only hummed and his eyes looked to your lips once again, this time they stayed there for longer than they should have

You licked your lips gently, part of you wanting to make sure they were ready for Jisung to capture them after so long

The other knew it wouldn’t happen as you saw the PA approach to tell you you were on in less than three minutes

Just like in the original you started off the show, the train attached to the right side of your body suit swayed along with your body

You felt confident and full of energy until you felt Jisung’s hand trail all the way up your leg confidently brushing your ass

Thankfully you were facing away from the audience allowing you time to collect yourself

You knew this would be more intense than rehearsals but you didn’t expect Jisung to go this hard

It fired you up and you decided to give it your all as well

Jiung could feel the heat crawl up his face as you shake your ass dangerously close to his crotch

He couldn’t help but smirk as you bit your lip looking him directly in the eye as if to challenge him

He eagerly accepted and the while performance had a push and pull effect to it

The two of you goaded each other on stage testing the waters every time your faces got too close to be called innocent

The built up tension culminated in Jisung dipping you and you holding his face in you hand ready for him to bend don and kiss you as the song ended

The two of you stayed in that position with massive grins on your faces until you couldn’t hold it anymore and Jisung pulled you up and you buried you face i your neck as he laughed and waved at cheering crowd

Once you recovered your turned around and waved at them as well smiling widely

Jisungs hand never left your waist

The two of you left the stage and you shot like a bullet towards Yuri who was silently screaming and telling you how good you were

Chan came up to Jisung and clapped him on the back but Jsiung couldn’t keep his eyes off you

He knew this was the moment to tell you. He was sure you must have known but he still gave you your space

He couldn’t lie and say he was entirely confident, there was a part of him that was worried because you hadn’t made any moved

But he had to tell you

Jisung walked over to you still smiling and took you hand in his, “can I talk to you, privately?” you glanced at Yuri who nodded and gave you a knowing look

“Sure,” you replied, content with your hand in his. You could get used to this you thought

He lead you towards a dressing room and closed the door behind you

You basked in each others presence just looking at each other

“You really went for it didn’t you?” you questioned with a smile

“Sorry, was it too much?” Jisung answered taking several steps closer to you

“No,” you breathed out, “it was perfect.”

You stayed still for a moment and Jisung admired the grin on your face

The silence was comfortable and electric, calm and expectant

“I really hope I haven’t misinterpreted things but I really like you-”

You cut Jisung off before he could say more, “I know. I really like you too,” you trailed off

“But?” Jisung asked with a mixture of hurt and frustration. If you liked each other what could possibly be stopping you?

“But, I’m not sure we should do anything right now. My dating ban’s only just been lifted and I don’t want to make things more difficult for either of us” you explained

Jisung was ready to argue, he was ready to present every piece of evidence that supported the two of you dating but this wasn't one he had prepared for

Much to his dismay he couldn’t argue with you on that point

Whatever happened he knew, that he would come out unscathed but you on the other hand. Well it would be a lot harder for you

His mouth opened and closed as you apologised before leaving him in the room alone with his thoughts

You gulped and went to perform your groups stage, you put on a show for the cameras and tried not to betray heartache in your eyes

Jisung did the same he finished his group’s stage and after neither of your groups won this particular award he went home disappointed

The rest of the members were getting slightly worried for him, exchanging glances

Minho ended up sitting down next to him on the sofa of their dorm

“I’m guessing talking about your feelings didn’t go well?” he asked tentatively

Jisung choked out a ‘no’ and repeated your exact reasoning

“That’s bullshit,” Minho stated

Jisung stared at him shocked, waiting for him to explain

“Sure dating is terrifying but hiding behind the dating ban is nothing but an excuse,” Minho expended

Jisung replied with his reasoning and Minho refused every claim

Jisung bit his lip, “ok well it’s not like I can do anything now,” he explained how he’d agreed and you would have to be the one who comes to him and tell him you’re ready

But Minho frustrated mumbled something under his breath and left

Thanks to your stellar performance the company said you and Jisung can have a break from your activities, that included your collective vlives, much to your relief

You couldn't imagine facing Jisung after what you told him. Not to mention you had already had an argument with Yuri about what you’d told Jisung

It was much the same as always; Yuri telling you to stop hiding behind the dating ban and you trying to explain you weren’t hiding behind it and this is the ebay option for everyone

You reached for yet another tib of ice cream hoping it would stop you from wanting to text Jisung

Any thought of him was painful but what was more painful was being apart

You missed your vlives, you missed hanging out with him after them, you missed the way his body melted into yours when he was draped over you on the sofa

Jisung tried taking his mind off the situation but nothing worked, not properly

Instead he dived back into work and finished the song he started all those months ago

At least this way he could work through his feelings

He frantically scribbled lyrics rewriting them to fit the beat of your bride track

He wanted the two songs to be connected even though the two of you couldn’t