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#being chill about using different pronouns in songs/jokes/etc.
tonberry-yoda · 1 year
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Hi Tonberry! I'm so excited about this whole Valentine's Day event! I would like a matchup with a JJBA character!
I'm a small (153 cm ~ 5'2 ft) Hungarian straight woman (so I use she/her pronouns) with shoulder long wavy, dark blonde hair with thin blonde highlights. I'm slightly chubby. My eyecolour is hazel and I wear glasses because I have astigmia.
My favourite colors are black, yellow, blue and purple. Besides my native language I can speak German and English. For most of these MBTI tests I got INFP (though I don't believe in this I think our personality grows, changes)
I'm not the most talkative person, I have problems with communicating with others since I was in elementary. I have a hard time to warm up to others, got anxious about it, but if I find my people I slowly open up, and even crack some jokes and can be really sarcastic. I always say sorry about everything, even if it wasn't my fault.
I have a huge imagination and do a lot of day-dreaming. I don't like being dropped into a situation without being prepared, but if I can use some skills well, sometimes it looks like I can improvise. Like for example I got drama lessons in the local theater and I could pull off some characters better (mom, serious director etc.) than others.
I consider myself as someone who deeply cares about people. I want to help others but I don't know how and am afraid that someone only wants to use me. And no matter what philosophies I grab to navigate myself in this wild world, I always return to people. We are ugly and beautiful at the same time and it's so devastastating seeing people treating each other shit. I know these contradict each other. But MARINA's two songs, Savages and To Be Human explain my feelings towards humanity.
My hobbies: I love listening to music, it always got my back when I was alone. And reading some good character-driven book always moves my imagination. I like spending time with a friend of mine and talking about films, music, and dirty jokes (they're mostly about JoJo and JJK lol)and maybe I'm the one who would stop the chaos between the two of us. Like to search for different languages and cultures on Google and different playlists on youtube or 8tracks. Oh and watching playthroughs of videogames on Youtube.
I have a wide taste in music I guess? From Starset through Fall Out Boy and Panic! At the Disco to mashups and videogame OSTs I listen to anything. But my favourite band is Starset. I'm always afraid to show other people my music taste because one time I've got booed that it's not danceble 😅 (the song I put in then was Anna Sun by Walk the Moon) I have playlists on youtube, where I listen to music I like: [x] [x] [x] [x] [x]
I don't think I have a special aesthetic; my outfits are 99% simple T-shirt + Jeans combo. Indoor I wear one of my oversized band T-shirts I inherited from one of my cousins. So I would say my aesthetic is casual I guess? Though my favourite aesthetic is spacecore but I like dark, light, chaotic academia and a bit grungecore too.
My ideal partner would be someone who's suave, can listen to me (and I could listen to him too) and I can spend some quality time but at the same time assures me with words that he loves me and I'm not a burden to him. And while on the outside he could sometimes look like he's just a goofball or just a flirting idiot, he can be pretty serious, deep down he's more than just a clown. I would like to know more about his culture, language too (yes even if his native language is English) and would like to learn it. Or he can be a kind, empathetic guy, who cares about his friends, family, helps others selflessly. Who can understand my pain about people but always reminds me with his actions why I love humanity besides hating it.
Ideal date: honestly, anything that makes him happy. I mostly would like quiet dates where we can chill (I'm not into those big parties where hundreds of people are, they drain me and make me feel I don't belong anywhere) like laying down and stargazing, holding each others' hands, hugging, kissing. We would teach each other words from our language. (I would teach him some cussing words too 😏 We Hungarians are proud of our cussings XD) But sometimes going to a carneval or a city program or just to the town's marketplace looking for trinkets or just watching the wares and people there is good too.
Ah sorry this became too long! Hope you have a great day/night!
notes 💌: hello dear! I am so happy to be doing a matchup for you <3 and thank you so much for showing so much interest in this event! i have been loving planning it and writing all the matchups so far, even if ive just done one lol. i am excited for the next seven days! happy valentine's day, my dear and i really hope you love who I chose for you <333
The character Cupid chooses for you this Valentine's Day is...
DIO!!
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are you surprised?
cuz I sure was
i was not expecting you to pair with him, but it honestly fits
so hear me out
dio is the kind of man who is very easy to open up to
and sure, he can be manipulative to others, but i think that he wouldnt be that way around you
you are just a very real person and he is amazed by that
he wants to listen to what you have to say, not what he wants you to say
he likes hearing your true feeling and he's just so romantic omfg
he thinks that you are so talented and amazing
the reason i thought you two would fit was because of your philosophies on people
the way you think about them is amazing and really hits close to home for dio especially because he is a vampire
he could honestly listen to you talk for hours on end
he would goof off with you and your friend and definitely surprise you the the dirty jokes that come out of his mouth
you two also listen to the same music
especially MARINA
he's not a huge fan of your fashion sense tho
so expect him to dress you up LMFAO
and if you dont want to, thats totally fine, but he thinks you could show off a little bit more
he would love to teach you about his culture and all the culture he's been around
the man has traveled a lot, so you get some amazing stories out of him
he will never stop expressing how much he loves you and will always listen to your stories and even joke around with you <3
he may be an evil vampire, but he's your evil vampire <333333
💌 How would he ask you to be his Valentine??
I think he would wake you up to kisses that you cant help but roll over and giggle to, trying to push his face away. He would keep kissing you everywhere until you open one eye and see him holding a teddy bear with a heart on its chest that says "will you be my valentine?" who are you to say no?
💌 Valentine's Day Date
The two of you ate a lovely dinner and even dressed up for the occasion, even it it was just at home. You had spent the entire day together just spending time together and doing whatever romantic activity you could on valentine's day. But DIO had told you that he had something planned for the evening, but you had no clue what. DIO led you upstairs after doing the dished and you both put on some warm pajamas that you had that were 100% matching. He grabbed both of your hands and brushed his lips over his knuckled and you could feel his fangs hit your hand a bit, but it never hurt. "I want to show you something." He said, pressing a kiss onto your temple. He led you downstairs and to the backyard where you found what looked like a pillowfort with the ceiling cut out so you could watch the stars together and fall asleep under the moon. There were fairly lights strung on the fort and snacks everywhere over the fluffy blankets DIO had set out. You turned to DIO with a huge smile. "Babe!" You jumped into his arms, nearly making him fall onto the grass. He picked you up and led you to the fort where you cuddled all night, watching the stars pressed against each other. "Did you have a good day?" DIO asked, rubbing your arm and pressing little kisses all over your cheeks. "Yes," you smiled, squeezing his hand. "Did you?" "Of course I did. Happy Valentine's day, my love." You ended up in each other's arms all night and talked about whatever came to mind. <3
~~~~~
mystery date rules | pinned post @tonberry-yoda
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Hi there, I'd like to sign up for the match ups if there are any spots available!
My name's Ren, I'm 23 and use they/them pronouns. I'm bi with a fem lean but any gender is fine with me! I'm pretty short, about 5'2.5, I've been told I look younger than I actually am most of my life because of that and that I have a baby face lol.
Appearance wise I have mid-back dark brown hair that I bleached last year but then grew out so it's practically two toned horizontally and brown eyes. I'm pretty pale with freckles but my face tends to be a lil red and I have eyebags for days lol. Also resting sad face.
Personality wise I'm a lil quiet and shy until I'm comfortable, then I can talk for hours but I do get nervous about talking too much or being annoying. I love puns and horrible dad jokes, the more people are groaning and shaking their heads the better, just making people laugh in general makes me happy as well.
I do have a bad habit of not thinking before I speak and my well meaning words sound a bit harsh or overly blunt. I really want to seem chill and laid back but unfortunately I'm often over-analyzing past conversations and events until late at night.
Hobby wise I'm pretty creative, I love reading and writing stories, although I haven't done much of either as often as I'd like to, I'm also huge into true crime, dark web stories and those 3 hour long iceberg dives into occult/witchy topics (tarot, astrology etc).
I almost always have headphones in listening to music, it helps my mood and setting whatever vibe I want to have. I listen to a ton of different genres but it's a lot of songs I found on Tiktok, old 2000's emo songs from my childhood and cheesy 80's music sprinkled in. I also love cooking or baking for people I really like.
My astrological big 3 are Sag Sun, Taurus Moon, Leo Rising, I'm an INFP and my hogwarts house is hufflepuff! I also included a picrew and a spotify playlist I made for a self-insert OC that has my personality lol
Picrew: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/728637356822888491/957845743593476106/download20210705202452.png
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3pwl2HXdByfzQQwvLh2gSZ?si=5cd8dcd7d9404065
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Hi Ren (@soft-spirit-ren )💖, nice to see you here. I'm not really sure when you sent this, but I found it this morning and as I was reading, only one character came to mind
Your match is
Larry Johnson
(Post below cut due to length)
Okay so I know you said fem lean, but hear me out
The height difference between you two is adorable
Larry especially agrees
He likes to randomly lift you
Like you'll be talking to someone and Larry comes up behind you and just *lift*
Larry says it's so you can see what it's like to be tall
Larry calls your freckles "angel kisses"
And he welcomes you into the eyebag elite (welcome, btw, Captain Allergic Shiners, reporting for duty)
One of Larry's main goals in life is making you smile
Because of your resting sad face, this usually involves either hugs and cuddles, lame jokes and puns, or a combination of both
Which normally gets you started with the jokes and puns.
This results in you sitting in Larry's lap as the two of you speak in only puns for the next few hours
Larry tries to make you feel more at ease with new people.
He's continually assuring you that you aren't talking too much
He engages you in topics he knows you're confident in
And gives you hand encouraging little squeezes
Larry helps you out with your bluntness by having this attitude:
You say what you think and what you know the person needs to hear. If it's blunt, it needed to be heard.
If anyone likes it, they can take it up with him. Personally 😤
To overcome your overthinking, Larry finds it best to be completely open and transparent with you
This cuts down on confusion or second guessing, trying to find deeper meaning to his actions, etc
Communication is key!
I have this image in my head of you and Larry, hyperfixating together on your respective art and writing, playing a joint playlist the two of you constructed one sleepless night, on shuffle
You and he take small breaks away from your projects by coming over and checking out each other's progress, then dropping a kiss on one anothers cheek.
Larry likes to get stoned and ask you about your latest deep dive
He really gets into it
Asking you questions that incite deep, long conversations
Will offer to smoke with you
But won't pressure you into it if you don't want to
He'll just go smoke outside really quick
Or smoke in the bathroom with the exhaust fan on
Sitting in the floor next to the toilet
Blowing smoke down the toilet as he flushes it
He swears it helps with the smell
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Themes of secrecy in Reputation
Anyone who’s remotely paying attention knows that Reputation is absolutely brimming with references to secrets, duality, double meanings and private revelations. The album explores these ideas from a lot of different perspectives, and I thought it would be useful to get some analysis in one place. Let’s take it song by song, shall we? 
“...Ready For It?” -- This song has obvious public/private parallels that I’ve written about before, with the verses tracking Taylor’s dark public bearding and the choruses tracking her light, airy private loves. (ht @bikertaylor for being the first to point out to me that the verses and choruses seemed to be tracking two different ideas.) The theme of secrecy that I’m interested in exploring here, though, is even more personal: When Taylor writes, “In the middle of the night, in my dreams, I know I’m gonna be with you, so I take my time,” she’s writing about a hope so dear to her heart that it’s buried in her subconscious, bubbling to the surface only in her dreams. (Of course, a dream can also reference a wish or a fantasy, but I think the literal meaning is interesting here and shouldn’t be overlooked.) If you read this song as a conflict between Taylor and her own inner desires, fighting to break free, the music video can be read more literally as well: This song is about a fight Taylor’s having with herself. The battle rages within her own heart, and the “you” in the title might refer to us (her fans, the world) being ready for her to reveal her secrets -- but it might also refer to whether Taylor herself is ready. 
“Endgame” -- The line that piques my interest here is, “I bury hatchets, but I keep maps of where I put ‘em.” The first reading here is about her seeming apologies for her public dramas, a joke that she forgives but doesn’t forget. Many of those dramas, though, concern heartbreaks and bearding narratives -- and I’m really interested in the idea that each of these might be considered a hatchet, a weapon, an instrument of pain but also a tool of survival. She buries these hatchets one by one, but she doesn’t forget them, and they become a map of her psyche,
“I Did Something Bad” -- The line that sticks out here is, “For every lie I tell them, they tell me three.” A lie is of course one kind of secret, and it’s telling that Taylor and her “boyfriends” so regularly keep secrets from one another. Additionally, I like the way “every lie I tell them” might connote that she’s telling the same lie over and over -- namely, the lie about the true nature of her feelings and their relationship.
“Don’t Blame Me” -- This song is absolutely rife with themes of darkness, secrets, and hidden truths, and I love how these references are overlaid with religious iconography: “the darkest little paradise,” “halo hiding my obsession,” “I would fall from grace just to touch your face.” This song is also a continuation of Taylor reckoning with her own desires: “Lord save me, my drug is my baby, I’ll be usin’ for the rest of my life” isn’t a lyric about wanting to return to her past self, the one who plays by the rules; this is a plea to find acceptance for who she is and who she intends to be for the rest of her life. That’s why this song makes more sense as an LGBTQ narrative than, for example, a song about pre-marital sex -- once you get married, you would return to the “halo” state of playing by the rules, but if your “baby” is a queer relationship, you can’t play by the rules without changing who you are. That’s why Taylor’s name is whatever you decide, and that’s how she changed from an existence that was poisonous to herself and others into a daisy, a symbol of innocence. She’s using words associated with nature (and therefore associated with paganism and lesbianism) to redefine the traditional religious ideas of innocence and sin, darkness and light.
“Delicate” --  This is a song about a literal secret relationship (or the beginning of one), so of course I’m more interested here in the metaphorical lines, namely “Is it chill that you’re in my head?” and “Are you ever dreaming of me?” In this song, the first on the album that seems grounded in specific details of Taylor’s current relationship, Taylor is creating a distinction between the secrets she keeps from the public (that the relationship exists at all) and the secrets she keeps from her lover and even herself. 
“Look What You Made Me Do” -- Hear me out on this: What if LWYMMD is a song (at least partially) about bearding? Read this way, we can see that Taylor hates being made to play the role of the fool who can’t make a relationship work, that she had to get smarter and harder in order to protect her real relationships, that she accepts her role as an actress pretending to be someone she’s not. Many critics and listeners have commented that the chorus leaves them cold -- without a melody, without emotion, without the payoff promised by the rising action of the pre-chorus. But if Taylor is telling us that “what we made her do” is live a fake life pretending to be someone she’s not, it makes perfect sense that the chorus would feel lifeless and robotic. The fact that it’s a sample of “I’m Too Sexy” could also be a clever nod to the fact that the performance she’s giving is as a conventionally acceptable, heterosexual being appropriate for consumption by mass audiences. 
“So It Goes...” -- Now we come to the part (i.e. the majority) of the album where secrets are no longer subtext; they are straight up text. The brilliant lyrics about magicians and illusionists show us that the secrets Taylor is keeping are now public -- she is being honest with herself and her partner. No longer is she in her head and her dreams: “I know what you know, we can feel it.” This song marks a transition in the album, away from Taylor reckoning with her own secrets and toward her reckoning with how to keep those secrets away from prying eyes.
“Gorgeous” -- Our explicit secret here (“you touching my hand in a darkened room”) leads to an opportunity for Taylor to confront her own emotions about having to keep this relationship secret: She uses the words “furious,” “hurts,” “hate,” “sad,” and “mad” -- not exactly the kind of language one typically uses to talk about the excitement of meeting a new love. These negative words are juxtaposed against a joyous beat and melody (typical Swiftian genius), but we shouldn’t overlook the fact that Taylor’s circumstances are clearly making her feel horribly upset. Is she upset by meeting a new person? That doesn’t make a lot of sense -- it’s much more likely she’s upset that she can’t be with that person in public.
“Getaway Car” -- I like reading this song as an accurate retelling of her switching beards from CH to TH. “A circus ain’t a love story” is a great way to think about the media circus surrounding all of Taylor’s het relationships, and the narrative of she and TH being criminals fits with them perpetrating duplicity and lies. (More secrets!) Once we get to the outro, though, we see the true emotions behind this lighthearted heist: She was crying and dying in that car. If she didn’t have feelings for TH, as this song would suggest, and if she was ready as hell to leave her ex, why was she so upset -- if not for the deeper secret she was keeping?
“King Of My Heart” -- “Your love is a secret I’m hoping, dreaming, dying to keep. Change my priorities, the taste of your lips is my idea of luxury.” Here we see the unity of Taylor’s inner hopes (her dreams) with her outer identity: She has found the solution to her secrecy problem -- glass closeting. She changes her “priorities” to her “friendships,” and is then able to bring the person who rules the kingdom inside her room out into public. 
“Dancing With Our Hands Tied” -- This is where we get into the dark side of glass closeting, namely kissgate. This song is all about secrecy: “I loved you in secret,” “picture of your face in an invisible locket,” “I’d kiss you as the lights went out.” All those golden secrets Taylor and her partner keep tarnish and revert to poison when brought to the light of day. The “sacred oasis” of Taylor’s relationship is subjected to biblical plagues -- fire, avalanche, flood -- when they dance in public. Their only option is to go back into hiding.
“Dress” -- And, as it turns out, keeping secrets can be hella sexy! This feels like a yin/yang pair to DWOHT, the ecstasy of getting away from public toxicity and back to a golden secret paradise. But though their kingdom is small and secret, Taylor takes care to note its permanence with lyrics like “a golden tattoo,” “carve your name into my bedpost,” and “inescapable.” If a “beard” is the woman a man wears to seem straight, then it only makes sense that a queer woman would wear a “dress.” In that reading, J*e is actually Taylor’s “dress” -- the costume Taylor bought to show a good public face, while in private she removes her armor and becomes her true, permanent self with the person she loves.
“This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things” -- Here again, I’ve got a suspicion that Taylor is writing about more than her public feuds. “I’m shaking my head and locking the gates” feels like the same retreat into private described in DWOHT and Dress. What if -- in addition to the obvious narrative -- this song is also discussing why Taylor can’t have the life she wants in public, and we (her fans, the media, etc.) can’t have the true details about her life that we crave?
“Call It What You Want” -- Taylor taketh away but then, oh then, Taylor giveth. Because this is the moment where she lifts the curtain and lets us spend time with her in her golden oasis, behind her crumbled castle walls, her guard evaporated. She’s got her code here (het pronouns), but otherwise her secrets are all gone. I’ve written before about the language she uses in the chorus to reinforce the idea that her relationship is a secret escape, but the beauty of this song is that she invites us to run away with her -- if we’re willing to see the truth. Karlie what you want to; her name is whatever we decide.
“New Year’s Day” -- A circus ain’t a love story, but this song is -- literally! “Don’t read the last page” means that Taylor already knows the ending: she’s going to stay with her partner for the whole long road. In private moments cleaning up the apartment after a party, squeezing hands in the back of a taxi, recognizing each other’s laughs, they have found comfort, longevity, and lasting love in their secret world. They will hold on to each other, and despite the deep fears that the world would divide them, their joy and their memories see them through. 
This album is one long rumination on secrecy and how it affects us -- the secrets we keep from ourselves, from our lovers, and from the strangers who think they know who we truly are. In the introduction to Reputation, Taylor writes very explicitly about this idea -- but in her lyrics, she gives us an intimate view into her own emotional process in grappling with the secrets that have dominated her life. The album charts a beautiful progression from Taylor coming to terms with her own secrets, finding someone else to share those secrets with, and, finally, finding a comfortable and happy way to live with those secrets despite the public and the media bearing down on her from every angle. In refusing to give interviews during this era, she is living the solution she has shown us on this album. 
To state the obvious, Taylor’s het relationships are public by definition, charted in press releases and pap walks. It just doesn’t make sense to me that she would write an entire album about the idea of secrecy unless her life were riddled with secrets. Taken with the specific ways Taylor uses gendered language on this album, it seems abundantly clear to me exactly what secrets she’s keeping.
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hellyeahrpmemes · 6 years
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※ JENNA MARBLES SENTENCE STARTERS, PT. V ※
here’s sentences from 10 more of jenna’s videos! feel free to change names/pronouns/zodiac signs/etc.! I • II • III • IV
OPPOSITE CONTOUR TUTORIAL
“What’re you gonna do…?”
“It’s fun for me…!”
“This does exist on the Internet, and it looks amazing.”
“I’m a professional.”
“I can see up your shorts.”
“I’m just gonna get started here.”
“I’m getting mindfucked already.”
“My cheeks don’t look broken, my nose looks broken.”
“You’re already looking mad fucked.”
“Well, finally, the outside matches the inside. Broken, beaten down, sad, tired, mad fucked.”
“Don’t judge me, okay?”
“I look like Voldemort.”
“Please ignore all of his Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie jokes from a decade ago.”
“I look like an amphibian that belongs in a river.”
“Oh, no, Jenna…”
“I thought you’d be a little more open-minded.”
“Don’t look at me directly, no, don’t…!”
“It’s looking like day 3 or 4 after a bad sunburn.”
“You calling me dirty?”
“Who you calling dirty, daddy?”
“I look like my father.”
“I think it looks good.”
“We went off-roading for dick, and we found it.”
“I thought this was gonna be a little more dramatic than it is.”
HOW MANY BALLOONS WILL IT TAKE TO MAKE MY DOG FLY
“I mean, I’m curious, aren’t you?”
“I love my dogs more than I love people.”
“I wanna see how many balloons it will take to lift Marbles off the ground.”
“You gon’ fly, boy.”
“Let’s start with 10 and see if we can fit them in the car.”
“We have a lot of balloons already, I don’t know how many more we need.”
“His feelings are very hurt by that.”
“It takes 72 balloons to get this off the ground.”
“Welcome to our new living room, it consists only of happy birthday balloons.”
“Are you ready to take flight?”
“The people at Party City hate us.”
“He doesn’t even care.”
“He doesn’t know where he is no matter what.”
“We really thought this was only gonna take 15 balloons.”
“It took us six car fulls of balloons.”
“Is he asleep in space?”
“He does not give a fuck.”
“I did not think he was gonna be this chill.”
“He’s asleep. He’s fucking asleep.”
“Alright, well, this is our dog, now.”
“There’s not much else to do.”
“This is too many balloons.”
“I was happy, bitch.”
“I’m too old for this shit.”
“You’ve been dealing with me for 8 years, you’re a very patient guy, you know that?”
“I hope that this brightens your day a little, because it brightened mine.”
“What a fucking mistake this was.”
“I’ll never let go. Just kidding, I’m letting go.”
“Well, this was stupid.”
GOOGLE DEEP DIVE WITH ME
“So I’m having one of those days where I can’t make a good thought if I tried to think it.”
“This is all I do, which is why I’m so fucked up.”
“You just start googling things and watching videos and clicking on things until you just don’t know where you are anymore.”
“See, that’s what the fuck I’m talking about.”
“This is like my pet peeve in life.”
“Oh, this fucks me up.”
“God, I’m so fucking turned on right now.”
“Okay, that’s actually highkey dope.”
“Here it is, my favorite picture of Kylie Jenner.”
“This is so fucked up.”
“The Internet is fucking brutal.”
��Happy Australia Day, y’all are nasty.”
“If breastmilk is vegan, why hasn’t someone opened a booby cheese café?”
“Whole Foods ain’t that weird.”
“What’s the word for this? No.”
“Stop putting your boobs in my mouth.”
“Where is he going!?”
“This is like, highkey beautiful.”
“That is lazy as shit.”
“Why don’t you smoke a blunt while you’re at it?”
“It’s only $649, to be the laziest fuck you’ll ever meet.”
“She got all the way to the park to do that…?”
“This is the single dumbest thing that costs 600 dollars.”
“Exercise is free, don’t you ever forget it!”
“She’s dead inside.”
“Hello, 911, there’s a lady walking around, she’s terrifying…!”
“Wait, what the fuck is a zorilla!?”
“It’s like a gorilla, but it’s a fucking skunk.”
“Is this everything you hoped for?”
“I’ve never been happier.”
“Look at how many Air Buds there are!”
“So how many dogs are Air Bud?”
“Damn, I forgot how good Air Bud was.”
“That is the same person…!”
“I’m actually crying.”
“There’s literally no way that’s all Julia Roberts.”
“My head hurts. I have a headache now.”
DOING MY MOM’S MAKEUP
“Have you ever gotten your makeup done before?”
“I’m beginning to wonder why I said yes.”
“Step one of getting ready is just don’t have bangs.”
“That brush is sharp.”
“He actually wanted to die.”
“What, are you tired already?”
“I don’t have any blush, so I’ll just rub this dirty brush on your face.”
“You look like J-Lo reborn.”
“Have you ever been so illuminated in your life?”
“You look like a new woman already.”
“I just got insulted in my own salon.”
“If you didn’t want shit on your face, you shouldn’t have agreed to this.”
“You’re looking like a million bucks already.”
“Do you trust me? You shouldn’t.”
“Isn’t this the worst?”
“Drink away your fear of looking beautiful.”
“It sounds nothing like The Police!”
“I know you can’t see, and you think I’m massacring your face right now, but you look cute as fuck.”
“Farther away is better.”
“If you’re scared of eyeliner, drag makeup isn’t for you.”
“We’re off to Walgreens.”
I SUCK AT VIDEO GAMES 4
“Julien is here, mostly to laugh at me.”
“Who would’ve thought that you actually had to do something?”
“I did it. It only took me three minutes but I did it.”
“I’ve never laughed at a pun out of anything other than a courtesy.”
“Stop making everything about aliens.”
“Here I come to fuck yo bitch.”
“You know it’s my dream to make a Twitter account talking nothing but trash to NASA 24/7.”
“There is no 5-second rule. If you drop something, you just fucking eat it at your own free will.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“I think you can eat food off of the ground.”
“Goodbye everybody. Goodbye everybody. Goodbye everybody!”
“I like to fuck all day, forever.”
“Guys, I don’t have a job, I just fuck for a living.”
“Look at these sick moves.”
“Damn, is my family annoying.”
“I would be the most talented male stripper the world has ever seen.”
“Why can’t I shoot my gun underwater?”
QUADRUPLE DOG SWEATER
“He thinks that Cher, Shakira, and Celine Dion all have the same voice.”
“He thinks that Anne Hathaway, Julia Roberts, and Sandra Bullock are the same person.”
“It’s trash and garbage and why would I ever see it?”
“It’s a trash movie and he thinks it’s a cinematic masterpiece.”
“I looked for it on the Internet, and it doesn’t exist.”
“Watch out, kids, because when you turn 30, all you’re gonna wanna do is craft.”
“I wanna do it all the way out, and not in a practical way.”
“I want it to exist.”
“They are so tolerant of my fucking bullshit.”
“This is gonna be a disaster.”
“This is so much harder than I had anticipated.”
“This is a fucking mess, a fuckshow of an idea.”
“Goddamnit, this doesn’t work at all!”
“That’s a different email than you gave earlier, and a song.”
“I did it, I’m so proud of myself!”
“Oh my god, you are so mean.”
“If this doesn’t get me in the Guinness Book of World Records, nothing will.”
“Don’t do this, this is a bad idea, but I’m glad I did.”
SEE YOU IN 2017
“I hope you guys are having a great holiday.”
“I want to say thank you so much.”
“We had a really, really wonderful time.”
“Me in all of my beautiful, everyday glory.”
“We got a leak in the ceiling, very dangerous, very fun.”
“I organized my spice cabinet.”
“I went to the grocery store and held hands with my boyfriend, it was great.”
“This dumpster fire of a year is almost over.”
EXTRAS 2016
“I’m gonna pee my pants.”
“Never say that again.”
“I just want everyone to know this video has been the highlight of my life.”
“I can’t feel my eyes.”
“It burns.”
“Nothing like being fully clothed in your bathtub.”
“She looks like she just did a bunch of steroids.”
“I can see your hands in my periphery.”
“It’s like, never not funny.”
BODY MASSAGE
“I want a body massage.”
“Who wants a body massage?”
“Everybody likes a body massage.”
“It doesn’t have to be a sexual massage.”
“I mean, you guys were asking for it.”
“I make shit like this every week.”
CHRISTMAS GLITTER BEARD DIY
“I don’t ever wanna have a goatee.”
“Why are we doing the goatee?”
“We’re having fun, it’s Christmas.”
“If you’re gonna have that kinda attitude here, then get out.”
“Wow, I hate it.”
“I can’t do your makeup when you’re staring into the abyss.”
“You’re putting that on my face?”
“Oh, god, there’s glue on my face.”
“I’m divorcing you.”
“We’re not married…!”
“Maybe we should cross that shitty, stupid bridge when it comes.”
“Where I am on the moisture spectrum is my business and my business alone.”
“Don’t choke me, don’t choke me.”
“Choke me, choke me…!”
“For real though, is this gonna come off?”
“It looks like, all of a sudden, you just started feeling yourself.”
“Who describes their own penis as chunky?”
“Let us write your Grindr profile.”
“No, please no.”
“I look like I just got beat up.”
“You actually just made me Halloween Santa.”
“You look fucking terrifying.”
“This is not what I wanted at all.”
“I made a terrible mistake.”
“You look so festive…!”
“Don’t, you’re gonna make a mess…!”
“Do you know who I am?”
“I look like I just finished killing someone.”
“Meet me outside and kill me please.”
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