do u think when lilith went through the portal a second time, she finally understood/remembered what happened after she got taken by the tarask in s1??? n why she comes back validly shaken n desperate for ANYONE to understand? 

do u think she understood that adriel n reya know each other n he was her best bet at understanding her monster nature? i think thats why she went to him, scared out of her mind but hiding it well, n just going with whatever he was doing cuz she knew, as much as her sisters love her n care for her, they got no fucking clue whats going on. its not their fault, but she did leave toledo n her mother’s house knowing she needed to find answers fast, knowing she could never be the warrior nun and what that entails, knowing she shouldve made peace with that a long time ago but fuck that was her WHOLE LIFE thrown away by a complete newbie who made her like this!!! the very monster she was supposed to hunt!!! 

my bby knew jack shit of what she was doing either, she just traded a bad situation for another bad situation that she could at least understand. i think thats why she trusts adriel so blindly, he SOUNDS like the answers she needed, she feels understood. but its also why at that ava n lilith scene where ava ends up hurting lilith on her face at the end, lilith is so fucking emotional n angry n scared when ava tells her to go back. 

how can she go back when she fucked up like this? how can she go back n act like shes truly at their side when they cant n will never understand hers? how can she go back to a place where it felt like home, like her destiny, when she failed them so horribly? she can never go back. she doesnt believe she can or should. shes heartbroken, n she cares so deeply abt ava n her sisters but those hours spent on the other side showed her some truth she cant ignore. n now she has to live with it. 

she wants to do what the warrior nun would do, save the world of evil, help her sisters. well, sometimes that job has difficult decisions. sometimes ppl die. im thinking abt the first ep when lilith tells mary that she knows what needs to happen. n shes right!! if they want to get rid of evil n save ppl, they need to be objective n follow the protocols. i think her siding with adriel n then her, at the end after he dies, when she warns beatrice of the war, helps ava to a place where she knows she can heal n survive, n literally does not give a single fuck abt adriel afterwards, just needed to warn her sister n go away, maybe to prepare herself for this war, was lilith’s way of doing what a warrior nun would do. 

she thought adriel could actually give her the tools n maybe even help her save the world. but then he died n she understood that maybe she needs to do this shit by herself. so she flies off, no fucks given. her business here is done, n now there’s war preparations to be done. i dont think she was ever in love with adriel, they were using each other for their own goals. 

would i have preferred if lilith found her new monster identity by herself n with the help of her sisters?? yes. do i like that she trusted a crusty white men to do it?? no. but i cant stand when ppl say that lilith loves adriel or smth. bby she didnt blink when the guy died. she was like “oh well, time to help beatrice save ava” like??? that scene shocked me n gave me hope that maybe lilith matured in a way that made her harder to manipulate. doubtful, but im hopeful. 

that girl is still very much driven by ambition but also by praise. those are her weaknesses for sure. 

also im pretty sure shes gonna get killed off next season cuz im used to shows like these to disappoint me so. yh.