#because if i write fic then i'm not studying :(
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Lonely
Aaron Hotchner x Gn!Reader
Summary: Just a little hurt/comfort fic. It's one of those days where nothing feels okay, but to your surprise, your boss Aaron Hotchner is there to comfort you.
Soft!Hotch my beloved <333
TW: The reader talks about struggling with their mental health.
Words: 1.1 k
It was only you who was left at the office. You thought that occupying your mind with some boring paperwork would help you distract yourself from the painful feeling on your chest. It was one of those days where something as simple as a smile was impossible to fake. It was one of those days where a headache was creeping up by you forcing your tears not to spill all day.
If someone were to ask you why you were feeling that way, you would have an extremely hard time to explain. You couldn’t even explain it to yourself. You were just feeling sad. And feeling sad made you feel lonely.
The noise of a door closing made you drop your pen and turn your head to that direction. Yes, everyone else had left, but the word ‘everyone’ did not include your boss. Ever. At least for you.
“Y/N, what are you still doing here? It’s almost eleven,” he asked, approaching your desk. Looking up at him you immediately recognized concern in his expression.
“I thought I could just finish this all up tonight. You know, so I don’t have it on my mind all week.” You tried to sound casual, but you were pretty certain he was already not buying it.
“I don’t want you to overwork yourself. Especially for something as meaningless as paperwork. You already go through enough when we have a case.”
You sighed, figuring there was no reason to fight him on this. If you agreed he would just drop it. “You’re right.”
You started collecting your things to put them in your bag, expecting Aaron to wish you goodnight and leave. Instead you felt him staring at you in silence.
Bringing your bag to your lap, after securing all your personal things in it, you turned to the side ready to get up. You hadn’t realized that he had moved closer though - to the point where if you stood up, your face would bump into his chest. That’s why you decided to stay seated.
You looked up at him and took a deep breath, trying to calm your heartbeat that was going crazy, because he was completely towering over you.
“Y/N?”
“Yeah?”
“Is everything okay?” There it was again. That same expression of concern. You hated the way he could see right through you. Aaron was known for being able to read people – he was good at his job and you admired him for it – but it was never fun to be on the receiving end of his talent. It made you feel bare and vulnerable.
“Yes, everything’s good.”
He slowly squatted down so he could be at the same level as you. Your height difference hadn’t allowed your faces to be this close to each other before. Looking into his eyes from this new angle felt different.
“Listen,” he started. “I can understand why I would not be the first person you’d choose to talk to about a personal issue. I know I’m much older than you and might act a little like a drill sergeant sometimes, but I’m always here if you need to talk. I would love to help. About whatever it is that’s bothering you.”
You smiled sadly at him because, deep down, if you could choose one person in the world to open your heart to it would be him. But how could you randomly start talking about your feelings to your boss of all people? How does one get the chance to do so?
Except now you had the perfect chance. He was offering it to you.
“I don’t think I’m gonna make any sense, Hotch,” you answered; your voice small and ready to break.
“You don’t have to. This isn’t an exam, you know. You can just tell me how you feel. No need to explain.”
Tears started to blur your vision at his words. Your feelings for him got a hundred times more intense than they were before.
“I’m lonely,” you broke, crying properly now. “I’m so lonely.”
His hand reached out to take yours and his thumb started to move in a soothing motion. It helped.
“And I’m not saying I’m alone,” you continued. “I have my family, my friends, our team... I know I have people in my life who care for me, I really do. And I recognize how ungrateful I sound for saying that it’s not enough. But it’s not. I’m still lonely. And I’m still sad. And I don’t know why.”
“Sweetheart…” he whispered, his free hand cupping your cheek so he could wipe away the tears.
“I’m so tired of thinking I’m okay and then feeling awful again. It never ends,” you sobbed, leaning into his touch without really thinking about it. “I just feel so helpless when it gets bad. Like nothing can help.”
As soon as you finished your sentence he pulled you into his arms. The fingers of his one hand got lost between your hair, while his other hand was rubbing circles on your back. “Maybe this can help,” he said, kissing the top of your head.
You completely melted in his embrace. Your sobs got louder and your body was shaking, but it felt like release.
“Hotch,” you cried, “I just wanna be okay.”
“You will be, I promise.”
You pushed away, just enough so you could look at his face again. His eyes were red and your heart clenched at the thought of him caring for you enough to be this moved by your sadness.
His palms were cupping your cheeks again and his handsome smile made its appearance, looking sweeter than ever.
“Thank you,” you smiled back. It was through tears, but it was the only genuine smile you had given anyone all day.
“Of course,” he replied, leaving a soft kiss on your forehead. “And now…” He dragged out the sentence, while standing up.
You missed his touch already. You didn’t want him to leave you alone. But you prepared yourself for his next words. He probably had to get home to Jack, you thought.
“How about we go get some ice cream?” he asked instead.
Your eyes lit up like a kid which made him laugh.
“I know a place that’s open all night. Let me drive us there,” he said offering his hand, and you took it without a second thought.
“I’d love that.”
You started walking towards the elevator, holding hands.
“Nothing like some ice cream after a good cry, right?” he joked and you giggled.
His hand dropped yours, only for his arm to wrap itself around your neck, pulling you close to his chest.
Maybe you could learn to love the way Aaron could see right through you. It made you feel cared for and understood.
#aaron hotchner#hotch#criminal minds#aaron hotchner x reader#hotch x reader#criminal minds fic#hiding in the tags so i can be insane here hehe#not me writing this when i should be studying 💀#but i'm so sad today lmao#for what? that's a secret my brain will never tell#i just feel really lonely and sad and thought i could use my sweet man for comfort#and thought i'd share in case anyone needs some comfort too#maybe it's because i'm on my period 😔#anyway if anyone's reading this i hope you enjoyed the fic#it's provided by my mental illness <3#hotch 🪐
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i love reading peoples' opinions on trigun but sometimes i will see an opinion that is so like. bewilderingly wrong it actually makes me doubt my own interpretation of the source material
#rora rants#AND THIS IS ON ME.#because sometimes i assume something is obvious when maybe it requires a bit more textual analysis#but then sometimes people TEST me and it's like#i need to write my 200k vashwood character study ten times faster clearly#because what in the world are you people talking about#granted i'm not often fully devoted to the most popular ship in a fandom so the experience of people constantly#banging them over the head with pots and pans#isn't a familiar one to me. because usually in the rarepair fandoms people are OBSESSED with the characters in a#really textual analysis way#so you dont get that#unfortunately vashwood is more popular so... more margin of error#and frankly i'm not incredibly picky i can still enjoy things when i dont completely agree with them#some of my favourite vw fics are ones where i'm like he would not fucking say that but... this is so good#but then other times i'm just baffled! because how did you come to that conclusion#sorry HAHAHA i just had to get this off my chest
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still trying to piece together the late-roman empire jakesyb au and fl;asdfj it really is just putting my own personal hc for jacob's bisexuality on blast wherein, in this au, he is mostly interested in men (ie, his fellow soldiers/his boytoy staci) but then there's also something inexplicably alluring to him about syb's strong, lithe, barbarian warrior's body
#he sees a woman not easily conquered and. in true roman fashion. says 'i need to conquer her.'#like. at this point i think jakey's driving motivation in this fic#is joseph being like 'hey. you GOTTA produce a son. idc that you're fucking your military buddies but our family NEEDS an heir'#anyway this au is so fun because i get to explore various realms of influence in the late roman empire#militarily with jacob and syb. the political with john. and the religious with joseph and faith#which is all fairly new to me#when i was in school my area of study was more on the republic than the late empire#but considering *gestures at the canonical fc5 cult* having this au set during the collapse of the western empire just makes sense#but. now i'm gonna go jump back to the canon-verse because i gotta boot up the game to scout out the whitetail ranger station#so i can accurately write syb's combat there#whining wombat
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There's a certain type of despair in finding out that the writer doesn't like or try to understand the character they're writing about and either takes it as an opportunity to bash them or make them incredibly one dimensional
#cough cough leona cough cough sebek cough cough vil cough cough trey#people will either make them terribly ooc that i'd prefer to be in a saw trap then read it#or they very blatantly show off that they hate this character/didn't even think about reading a character study about them#because holy shit sometimes you just need to stick to characters you give a shit about#I'M NOT EVEN A TREY STAN BUT I WILL FIGHT FOR HIS HONOR CAUSE SOME OF THE FANFICS I'VE SEEN TREAT HIM LIKE HE'S THE NEXT MAMA ROSEHEARTS#JUST SAY TO WHATEVER ANON THAT REQUESTED THE FIC THAT YOU DON'T LIKE HIM AND DON'T WRITE ABOUT HIM#WRITE ABOUT CHARACTERS WHO YOU ACTUALLY GIVE A HAIR'S LICK ABOUT#twst x reader#twisted wonderland x reader#simper says stuff
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trembling hands for vitali? 👀👀
TREMBLING HANDS [x]
characters >> nick vossler (oc), vitali dobrynin (oc)
context >> november 2067; it's the morning after this fic takes place, vitali is in college and in general not dealing with everything that's going on in his life well
total >> 2.2k words
warnings >> alcohol mention, drugs mention, nick being a bit of a dick in general, nsfw mention, portrayal of a toxic relationship (these men make each other worse)
The old and decrepit apartment building in the Glen was freezing cold. Not all that surprising for that time of the year; and stacking overdue electric bills had put an end to Vitali’s access to the place’s central heating, but he was not allowed to complain. If anything, he was lucky to still be able to call it his home at all to begin with.
He woke up with a throbbing headache and a heavy weight pressing down on his chest, and despite the good amount of sleep he had managed to get he still found himself struggling to properly wake up. His ailments were the result of mostly dehydration- though taking the amount of drugs and alcohol in his system the night before, it was safe to assume it was not the only problem at play.
Vitali rarely suffered terrible hangovers. Nothing a glass of water and an ibuprofen couldn’t fix; and whenever he had classes the next morning he still always showed up on time, wearing his best fake smile as always and a mood that was still of questionable quality but never worse than it usually was.
Though that morning was different.
The bleak sunlight that poured in from underneath the curtain of the single window in the living room barely raised the temperature inside his apartment. All it did was cast a single, bright ray of sunshine directly into Vitali’s eyes, an annoyance greater than his comfort on the twin size mattress on the floor to the point he found himself unable to fall back asleep.
He groaned and carefully rolled himself on his side, dragging the covers with him as he slowly attempted to get up. His entire body was sore; had not slept in the greatest position, but the sex he’d had with Nick the night before- pressed against the wall of the expensive nightclub’s hallway- had absolutely not helped either, and the moment he finally managed to stand up he nearly sank through his knees again from the pain in his upper right leg.
Consequences of his own actions.
Vitali knew better than to wallow in his misery, well aware he had caused it entirely himself, no one else to blame. It was not as if he would learn; next week he would make the same old mistakes all over again, a broken record doomed to play on repeat until his trembling hands would lose their grip entirely and he would spiral down into a freefall.
He managed to find his way to the kitchen, still wrapped in the covers as he opened one of the mismatched cupboards to look for a clean cup; could not find any and instead took a dirty one out of the sink, rinsing it a few times before pouring himself some apple juice.
His gaze caught his phone as he brought the glass to his lips, the cracked and dirty screen lighting up from the kitchen countertop beside his keys and wallet and showing- nineteen unread messages and eleven missed calls?
‘What the fuck?’ he mumbled under his breath, lowering the glass again and setting it back as he grabbed his phone instead, blanket over his shoulders dropping down on the floor.
Unsurprisingly so, all of it was Nick’s doing. It would not be the first time he had obsessively tried to get Vitali’s attention; far from it, in fact, a man desperate for validation as well as forgiveness each and every time he had done something wrong. Though as far as Vitali was concerned, nothing out of the ordinary had happened when they’d seen each other in the club- and his curiosity was winning over his exasperation.
Naturally, he did not hesitate when Nick’s name popped up in the middle of his screen again.
‘What do you fucking want?’ Vitali asked, voice possibly a little harsher than he had meant for as he quickly pulled his half-opened flannel back over his exposed shoulder when he heard loud knocking on the front door. Nick did not respond at first- and Vitali quickly figured out why, swinging the door open and instantly being met with the other man, holding up his own phone with an annoyed frown on his face.
‘Eleven fuckin’ times, V,’ he said, lowering his hand at the same time as Vitali did. ‘What’s wrong with you?’
‘Twelve, actually, counting this one,’ Vitali simply spat back, demonstratively hanging up and tossing his phone back on the kitchen counter from where he stood. ‘And you’re the one showing up at my place at fuck o’clock in morning.’
‘It’s two in the afternoon!’
‘Same thing.’
Nick cursed under his breath and stepped inside, tugging on Vitali’s flannel- drawing a protesting, somewhat startled scoff from his lips- to then button it all the way to the top.
‘You need to learn to put on some clothes,’ he muttered, brushing some of Vitali’s hair out of his face to prevent it from getting stuck between the buttons. A surprisingly gentle touch; Vitali sometimes forgot he was still capable of that, after everything that had happened.
‘I’m wearing clothes.’ Vitali paused, noticing Nick’s eyeroll and he punched his shoulder in response, not too hard but not being playful either. ‘Comfort of my own home! Get out if you don’t like it.’
‘More clothes,’ Nick sneered, gesturing at Vitali’s mostly naked legs. ‘And wear ‘em properly. I could see your tits.’
‘So? You’ve seen them before. Did not hear you complain yesterday.’
‘It’s freezing in here!’
‘What’s your fucking point, Nick?!’
Vitali’s voice nearly echoed through the whole hallway behind the other man and silence washed over the apartment, both of them taking a few steps back at the same time. Vitali watched as Nick clenched his jaw and briefly turned around to close the front door, then vaguely gestured around into the room.
‘Was worried,’ he said, and shrugged. ‘Didn’t hear anything from you when I texted if you got home safely. Jackie couldn’t tell me where you were. Jen has me blocked now, wasn’t of any fuckin’ use either- no idea what that’s all about. Where did you go?’
Vitali was not entirely sure how to answer him.
He could barely remember it, was the truth. Everything that had happened after he had walked away from Nicky in that sweaty and suffocating hallway was merely a blur to him now, though he did remember spending another good hour or two stumbling around before he had been able to find his way to the exit.
He vaguely remembered the rain; could vaguely recall getting soaked and taking a cab elsewhere, the air-conditioning inside freezing him down to the bone. He had not gone home yet- had needed more to be able to forget, to wash off the feeling of Nick’s hands on his body and to drown out the voice in his head screaming at him to stop and go home, get his act together while he still could.
‘Took the long way home, I guess,’ he finally managed to say, hesitance dripping from his lips with each and every word he spoke and Nick’s eyes narrowed a little.
‘Couldn’t find a moment to text me back?’ he asked.
‘Did not think you’d care.’
‘Oh, that’s foul.’
‘Usually you don’t. I don’t know what you want me to say.’
Another silence as a sharp, exasperated sigh left Nick’s lips and he averted his gaze to the ceiling. Acting annoyed, but on the losing end- Vitali was right and both parties knew that very well, Nick’s sudden concern entirely out of the blue considering he usually left his phone off for several days after an argument.
‘Why are you really here?’ Vitali asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest and taking another step back, keeping as much distance between himself and the other man as possible. Not out of fear; moreso disgust, unable to believe he’d let Nick do whatever he wanted to him, again, the money much needed but the aftermath and the memories of it embarrassing him to his core in a way he hadn’t even known was possible.
Maybe Jenny was right this time.
Not as if that mattered much. She hadn’t reached out to him at all anymore.
‘I just- wanted to apologize for yesterday,’ Nick mumbled in response. ‘Wasn’t all too nice to you, from what I remember.’
‘You weren’t, no.’ Vitali paused, licked his lips, and gestured at Nick. ‘Go ahead. Apologize.’
‘I just did.’
‘You didn’t.’
‘Fucking hell, Dobrynin-!’
‘What! Saying you want to apologize is not the same as apologizing-’
‘You’re so fucking pretentious, you know that?’
The sharp edge to Nick’s voice made Vitali scoff and he sucked in a shallow breath, adrenaline rushing through his system until the hairs on his arms stood up straight. His body was bracing itself; not expecting a physical blow- even Nick knew better than to sink that low- simply another mental one, a blow to his ego he would carry with him into the next week until his next mistake would come along and take its place.
‘Maybe you’re right,’ Nick bluntly said and threw up his hands in exasperation. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t’ve come. You’re not making it very easy to be worried about you, you know that? And then one day when you do need the help I won’t be here. No one will.’
‘Right, because every time before today when you weren’t there for me by your own fucking choice, that could not have happened, of course,’ Vitali mockingly replied and gestured at the door. ‘You are just trying to cover for yourself now. Get out if you don’t have anything nice to say.’
‘I love you.’
The statement caught Vitali a little off guard and he slowly lowered his hands, standing unmoving as Nick walked closer to him and cupped his face in both hands, strands of Vitali’s long, bleached hair getting caught between his fingers.
‘I love you,’ he quietly repeated himself, thumbs running in circles over Vitali’s cheeks, ‘and I just wish you’d let me.’
Vitali’s eyes slowly moved over Nick’s face- the little marks covering his cheekbones, the acne scarring roughening the skin of his cheeks and jaw, the little bump in his nose caused by a broken bone that had not healed all too well-
He reminded him of Mikhail, sometimes.
But they were not the same.
‘I’ve given you enough chances and you walk away every single fucking time,’ Vitali quietly replied, moving up his hand to place it over Nick’s and he softly kissed his palm. ‘What do I need to do to make you stay?’
Nick couldn’t answer. And Vitali knew that.
Both of them had fucked up more than enough times; both had walked away before, justified, sometimes not, in the heat of the moment or when things just got a little too boring for their liking. They got annoyed about everything they were and fought about everything they were not and instead of talking things out like normal people they would get drunk, get naked, and pretend like nothing had happened the next day.
‘You’re complicated,’ Nick finally said, gently brushing some of Vitali’s hair out of his face.
‘So are you,’ Vitali merely replied, making a biting motion at Nick’s hand who in response cupped his face and leaned in closer to kiss him, a somewhat metallic taste to his lips Vitali could not quite place.
‘I love you,’ he mumbled into the kiss, slowly draping his arms over Nick’s shoulders and pulling him closer until there was no space left between their bodies. He broke the kiss and buried his face in the crook of Nick’s neck- and the other man reciprocated the hug, one hand on Vitali’s back and the other in his hair.
‘Have somethin’ to eat, take it easy today,’ he quietly said, slowly pulling back and fixing the collar of Vitali’s flannel. ‘I’ll see you again tomorrow, okay?’
‘Okay.’
The silences that followed were always the worst.
Watching Nick walk away again, leave through that very same door he had only just arrived through and wishing he would stop, come back inside, stay just a little longer. Whether Vitali had fucked it up for himself this time or not, he was no longer sure; it was impossible to tell what Nick’s true intentions were. Vitali usually was nothing more than a stopover to him.
And of course he wished it was different. If he could have it his way, Nick wasn’t such an asshole all the time. Wouldn’t just be using him for his own pleasure, wouldn’t just come and go as he pleased without taking Vitali’s feelings into account. And in return, Vitali wouldn’t have to return the attitude.
Had Nick even started it all? He wasn’t all that sure anymore.
Vitali scoffed at nobody in particular and walked through the room to the window, sitting himself down on the windowsill to stare outside. He was still cold, but it did not do anything to him anymore- his head was elsewhere, and the shivers running up and down his spine were the least of his worries.
At least I’ll see him again tomorrow.
At least he would always come back.
#asks#devilbrakers#writing asks#nuclearwriting#HEHE THAMK YOU. i've been meaning to finish this fic for a while now but never got to it#but this prompt was perfect for it >:^)#vitali being such a fuckup in his younger years is something that can be so special to me actually#the amount of work it took to get to where he is in life now is so admirable and also makes me insane#because so many people still believe that he got all that he has now because of the status of his family. when that's not true at all!!!#he lost everything at several points in his life and had to start over and over and over again and he fought so hard for what he has now#anyway i'm normal about this man yes why do you ask#finally gave nick a last name also <3 i do not like him but also i'm studying him like a bug in a petri dish
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i don't usually write the style of sick fics of like... stomach aches/emeto area, but like... my brain cannot stop thinking about the fact that Mobius M. Mobius probably only knows how to make horrifying 60's 70's foods that he wants to cook for Loki. and Loki at first is says "absolutely not" only to find Mobius later picking at a piece of it by himself. so Loki sits down and has a slice of... whatever monstrosity it is with him and it's not terrible. but it definitely doesn't like Loki. cue guilt from Mobius about "poisoning" a god and a little panic about not knowing how to take care of him in this sense because he's studied Loki! he knows Loki! but this? this is new!
so Loki just requests to be held for a while, touch starved trickster he is.
#just bex talkin#L/oki#fic ideas#m/arvel#very brief emeto mention but not description#tw emeto#i'm posting this so if anybody wants to write it go ham! i'm consistently wavering on energy levels rn#also idk how much people who follow me would enjoy a fic like that so if i write it dunno if it'll get posted?#even if there's very limited engagement on stuff i'll usually still post it because it's what *i* wanna write#but mostly its i've never actually tried to write an emeto fic before and i feel like i'd either go Too Hard or Too Soft#not my kink i'm just a perpetually nauseous individual so i don't mind one way or the other#do i use sick fics for character studies? yes. yes i do. what of it?
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While it was.. not great to have to leave home before 6 this morning in order to get one of the few trains that are going despite the strike (plus the usual bauarbeiten), the upside is that I have some time to work on my end of year fic list while sitting at a nice cafe with a coffee and a pistachio croissant 😌
#another upside: i did not fall with my bike on the way to the station#despite part of the path being a slab of ice#tbh i was hesitant about making a list this year#because of well...#because what does it really matter? who cares?#ehm yeah i've been feeling like in general i'm not adding anything to the fandom#no fun thoughts or insightful character studies#not much writing either#but then this is my blog#i know i don't have to *add* anything--it's okay to be here just to enjoy myself#and i do enjoy going through fic again and rereading bits and pieces#it's a lovely way to wrap up the year#so! there will be a list!
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It appears that I may have been a dumbass
#i just realized that monday is Tomorrow#i have. a massive exam that i haven't studied for whatsoever#y'all quick what's an integral. because i feel like i don't actually know <- i probably do i'm just stress panicking. maybe#damn i really thought it was saturday today#everything's fine everything's great everything's wonderful everything's awesome (hopefully)#you know what who needs taylor series anyway. im so close to being free of this class i cant fucking wait#shouldve made a tag for this given how often it happens. somethignn like arjuns calc stressing or somethin#gah. agh. ahhhhhhhhh#august rambles#one more day and then i swear i'll finish every fic i promised to write and then didn't
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GRAAAAHHHH i need to read triangulum but there is so much going on in my life
#SO TICKED OFF#because tangy's art is SO TASTY#AND FROM WHAT I'VE READ OF THE PROLOGUE HIS WRITING FUCKIN SLAPS TOO#but i feel guilty reading stuff when im supposed to be studying HSDFJSDJCJJSD#oh well. not liek the fic will go anywhere if i wait for a week to read it. realistically it's Fine#but i'm just excited for it and so sad that i cant consume the entire thing Neow#yk how it is </3#ferret rambles
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY @jann-the-bean!!!!!
you know i had to draw this lil precious baby again because my GOSH-!!! too adorable<333 (i believe she is capable of murder with how full of rage she is tho- gremlin behavior<;3333)
there's only so many ways i can say how much i adore your art and writings before i become a broken record because SERIOUSLY!!!! you are my biggest inspiration when it comes to writing and i swear if i hear you saying ANYTHING otherwise i'm breaking into your house no matter how far away you are cause i'm not tolerating such lies!!!! you are an AMAZING bean and i would hug you to death if i could >:'Dc <333
mocha belongs to jann
mobster au is both by @help-im-a-gay-fish and jann
#art#my art#gift#mobster au#mocha#mob!mocha#human!mocha#because seriously how can a human be so HUGGABLE#i wanna be her friend but she would be too cool for that</3#hhh xD okay okay but seriously if i catch you having a bad day- on your BDAY of all days!!- me and your brain's gonna have some problems-#my vocabulary is poor man idk how to tell you you're like. the most fantastic kind and supportive talented writer AND artist ever#without repeating myself!! you've heard all of these before but they're still TRUE!!! you're just!!! so COOL!!!#still remember the days before my blog and if i could describe what it felt like to be followed back by you it would be. insane#IT WAS CRAZY i was literally shaking!!! you absolute MASTERPIECE maker like name me ONE fic you made that you don't like-#and i'll cite all the things that make it a literal banger like don't try me!!!! i WILL bury you with love you menace to society!!!#i have so many fond memories of your past writings tho i think i'm just gonna re-read them once i finish my studying :')#just came back from school and i rushed to my computer to post this hhh >:'D please don't forget how much you mean to all of us!!!#amazing. you are AWESOME AND GREAT like always!!!!#happy bday mÖther- queen of angst and sweet precious boys >:'Dc <3333
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So I think I'm finally getting a contract and I'm going to start my new studies (as a youth/school counselor) in my old school. I met the principal today and had a talk with him, and he said he was pleased to see me there and would like to have me there because I already know my way around and seemed to manage things just fine when I was still their student. So, that's great, I'm finally getting somewhere.
But I'll have to wait until Friday because he's still not quite sure who's going to be my supervisor, so he's going to have a talk with a couple of staff members about it at first.
And then my teacher in my new school is already pressing me with contract matters and stuff, wanting me to start earlier than I had originally planned or at least get the contract done by then, so uhh. I'm going to have a Teams meeting with her on Friday at 8 o'clock in the morning (I'm not a morning person at all), and I'm sure we're going to have such a lovely discussion about my schedule and study plans and all that stuff.
All this phone-calling and paperwork is giving me a headache. And I still have some school assignments to do and to return before next week, and guess what - ya girl just wants to read and write fanfiction all day and all night. 🤪 Priorities, I has them.
#personal#no seriously i went to bed around 4am because i was writing a fic. and then i got up at 8:30 after snoozing the clock for an hour#because i had the appointment with the principal around 10am so#but anyway despite my poor sleeping schedule i am actually happy about this opportunity#i should be able to work in the evenings if they can just find me a supervisor. which would be super because then i'm not going to have to#wake up early. unless i get a side job because i need money and this is only training so i don't get paid for it. but remains to be seen#i am not feeling awfully energized for school/work combination right now so uhh#but then i'd also get to work as a special needs assistant because this school has a lot of special needs students#so that sounds pretty good actually. it was something i was also thinking about doing before#because i was kind of a special needs student myself when i was younger and i didn't get the help i needed so#helping others with that could be great. a great opportunity indeed#and i may have to help with this other type of class as well#i think they're calling it preparatory education for vocational training in english. i'm not 100% sure what it even means#but well if i get a chance then perhaps i'll find outl#so all in it sounds like they have need for me and i get to do a lot of different stuff so. it should be good#it's. just this. studying itself. and like i said. all this paperwork and making phone calls and stuff. it's stressing me out#so uh#let's just hope that friday makes me a little bit wiser
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A WIP I didn’t end up having time to finish and I’m not sure when it’ll really be “IP” again sdkjfhsk, BUT since it’s still February 15th in some time zone somewhere, HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIM DOKJA!!
[ID: a digital sketch depicting several characters from Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint, posing for a photo. A young Kim Dokja lays asleep in a hospital bed in the center of the frame. A slightly older Lee Gilyoung and Shin Yoosung crowd his sides; on Kim Dokja’s right, Lee Gilyoung half-climbs onto the bed to rest his elbow on Kim Dokja’s shoulder, while on his left, Shin Yoosung kneels beside the bed and rests her hand on Kim Dokja’s arm. In front of her, Yoo Sangah rests her right arm on the foot of the bed, a somewhat wistful expression on her face as she kneels on one knee so as to not block the people behind her. Han Sooyoung stands behind the bed with her arms folded over the top, chewing a lollipop stick as she stares at the camera with a tired yet determined smile on her face. Finally, Lee Jihye stands in the right foreground, grinning at the camera and making a peace sign as she takes the picture. /end ID]
#orv#omniscient reader's viewpoint#kim dokja#yoo sangah#lee jihye#shin yoosung#lee gilyoung#han sooyoung#it is very important to me that you know ysa is wearing a leather jacket but that ID was getting so long already :(#thank you ljh for blocking all the body parts I didn't want to draw skdjfhsk#LSH JHW LHS YJH and JHY *would* be there if it weren't 3 A.M. and I didn't have work tomorrow#alas#if HSY looks incredibly tired it's because she's pulled three consecutive all-nighters trying to get as much writing done before The Launch#also known as a scene from a fic I haven't written yet lol#perhaps some day...#anyways hopefully you do not hear a peep from me until mid-March#because I really really really should be studying so I don't die in approximately 2.5 weeks#but realistically#I'm sure the procrastination will strike again#ahhh but this felt good it's been ages since I drew anything#my attempts at art#sincerely hope I can call this a wip but I have no idea when I'll be able to come back to it#so I'm just gonna go ahead and post this and then hopefully some day post the ‘finished’ version#ideally with everyone else#maybe a background#maybe even a splash of color who knows#although I kind of like the sketchiness tbh#ANYWAYS TIME TO SLEEP
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What's one line/small section of your work that you are incredibly proud of/the most proud of and why? <3
this was actually really tough, but since i did reread it last night, i'll give you the following excerpt from this fic (which is titled in my docs as "kestrel and keef lol", aka the au where cassian and jyn had a different first meeting, five years prior to rogue one):
It’s there, in that moment she can finally inhabit, that she notices a bruise on his face for the first time, just above the swell of his cheek. By the look of it, it isn’t fresh; it’s several days old at least, or a week, or maybe more. Whatever had done that wouldn’t have been worse than getting shot, no, but it had to have been painful.
She thinks: he’s like her, isn’t he? Taking pain on top of pain, gritting teeth through it, shouldering it all alone, because in this fucking galaxy, that’s the only choice available to anyone who isn’t privileged, lucky, or selling away pieces of their soul. That’s just the way it fucking is. But maybe, for a moment —
Almost as if it’s acting on its own, without her brain’s involvement, her hand reaches out, lightly ghosting fingers over the purpling skin of the bruise. The sharp breath he sucks in is audible, and for a second, he visibly tenses — but then his exhale is slow, and he relaxes, markedly more than she’s seen him do in the short time that she’s known him. (If she can, really, call this knowing.)
Her touch, then, becomes more certain, with her whole palm flattening, gently, against his face and resting there, her thumb tracing the line of his jaw.
That one simple motion locks them into a space, an orbit that neither are making a move to escape. Her heart is racing now, and her breath is caught, but she’s hardly paying attention to any of that; it’s as if the man in front of her is the center of her own personal universe, holding it all steadier than she’d ever thought possible.
She doesn’t know who first definitively closes what’s left of the distance between them — or if it’s both of them, or if it’s neither, tethered along by gravity — but their lips meet in the middle, a soft collision.
and, like... i probably have passages that are better written than this on a technical level, but i remember when i was writing this, and it was this specific part that took the whole story to a place i wasn't really expecting? but i really liked the tentative but profound tenderness of this, how such a small thing meant so much to two isolated people who both hadn't had much in the way of meaningful connections in a while, and it's like... idk man. i really liked that story a lot.
#thank you!!! <3#asks#anonymous#talk shop tuesday#my runner up is that daredevil kinktober fic that i turned into a character study on faith because like#i had some really great writing in that fic honestly#like it was very matt murdock to have a crisis of faith and be slutty about it#just like it was very jyn and cassian to connect so profoundly over one small gesture that neither are used to in this fic#when i feel like i get my own themes. that's when i'm like ah yes. i got it
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lewis hamilton, king of my heart 🥹
#draftze by enchantze#i don't think i've been this excited writing since adore you kimi and holy shit i truly live for writing fluff >>>>>#now that i'm finished with seb/web the remaining fics is doab are fluff!nn#minus the alo one but i'm ignoring that because i know what will happen and i'm choosing not to thibk about it#i'm halfway through voodoo doll hahahahaha#and i'm also trying to make doab!lewis different from wnt!lewis#nico makes an appearance in both and i'm excited hahahahaha#maybe i'm thinking of wnt and not doab but we deal with it#i wrote a lot but i also studied the whole morning and yesterday night so//// it's a win for me#the last two fics were on queue so next week i might post part two of wish you hell which has been in the drafts for a while#i'm cooking up multiple things so hopefully they all get posted within the week#enjoy this week's posts 👍#also!!! license to drive it's living in my head rent free and i can't wait to upload the first chapter which is also in my drafts...... wbk
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There's a few "league gets adopted by Rei / Rei takes care of the league" fics out there and I love them dearly even if i have to admit that they're all quite unrealistic, mainly because they tend to paint Rei as a better parent than she actually is. Sort of what happens to aizawa in fanon, too, completely accepting and eternally affectionate. The "comfort" in hurt/comfort personified. I get why this happens, it hits like a truck watching people who were denied parental affection finally get it.
But, as always, with fanon tropes, there is a part of me that's melancholic for all the potential that gets left behind. Because there's a kernel of truth in these fics that i'm sad isn't highlighted enough, there's something that could draw rei to the league outside of one of them being her literal thought-to-be-dead son or some nebulous perfect motherly instinct. And that truth is: Rei is not an amazing parent. Her faults are mostly of inaction, and the whole thing with Shouto was due to the abuse she suffers herself. But she has- and she knows this- failed her childen as a mother.
And what that gives you is a woman with a deep massive guilt over failing to be there for her kids when they needed her. She believes one of them died and it was, in part, her fault. Shouto she can reconcile with, but Touya, she thinks, will be a wound that never heals. And why wouldn't you, as a fic writer, use that?
What i'm saying is, if you were to- in the right circumstances- throw a traumatized child also failed by their parents her way. (Perhaps, say... a child rejected by her parents explicitly because of her quirk, wink wink?) And it reminded her just of how much she herself had failed as a mother, specifically because she was too scared to do anything, then she would absolutely want to take care of that child. She just wouldn't be all that good at it. Really, she'd be terrified to even try. But she'd want to try. And wouldn't that make for a story worth telling, one that could be just as cathartic in the end as the 'perfect mom takes care of her new murder children' fics?
#bnha#fandom#fanfiction#fanfic writing#of course as always with fanwork if you want to see something you'll have to do it yourself#what i'm saying is i'm writing a 'rei meets toga' fic#it is itself still very self indulgent because the premise kind of HAS to be#and it'll take a long while before it gets here#but i am trying hard to keep rei's character in the bounds of canon accuracy#and it sure is funny when dabi realizes who exactly the nice pretty lady toga has been talking about for weeks is#this isn't a critique of fanon and fix it fics as i said i understand why they exist#just need more rei character studies and deepdives into the guilt she feels for hurting her kids through inaction#and i'm just saying that a bunch of kids who were hurt by both parents and societal inaction are a pretty good narrative tool for that
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Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: 龍が如く | Ryuu ga Gotoku | Yakuza (Video Games)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Relationships: Majima Goro & Sagawa Tsukasa
Characters: Majima Goro, Sagawa Tsukasa
Additional Tags: Genderfluid Majima Goro, Mentioned Saejima Taiga, he's not here though, majima gets dress coded (devastating), Solitary Confinement, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, yeah this one's not pretty sorry guys, Homophobia, Mental Breakdown, thinking about sagawa's sparrow thinking about sagawa's sparrow thinking about sagawa's sparrow th, featuring an oc: majima's shitty unnamed landlord, Abuse, look i don't know how to classify it in particular but it's. Not Good. You Know How It Is With Them, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, in a very traditional sense like. the warnings are no joke, Hurt/Comfort, In The Worst Way Possible, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, ooh yeah forgot those tags exist. need those for sure, THE PLOT CAN ALSO BE DESCRIBED AS FIVE NIGHTS AT MAJIMA'S PLUS BONUS NIGHTS, also majima accidentally almost gives himself a gay earring situation, which. in hindsight is not explained well, basically around that time gay men used to wear an earring on their right ear, to signal that they were gay. majima's is on his left he's just scared, and sagawa is either messing with him or an old fart who doesn't know hip gay things, take your pick, Relationship Study, Canon-Typical Violence
Summary:
"Woaahh, hold up there, Tiger. What's going on here?" Sagawa said.
"What?"
Sagawa reached for his face.
Majima tensed up as Sagawa's hand brushed the taut cord of his eyepatch. He couldn't tell what he was doing until his hot, sweaty fingers pinched his earlobe.
"You pierce this yourself?"
"Yeah."
"God, it looks awful."
or, in short, majima gets dress coded and sent to gay baby jail
HEY I UH. I MADE A FIC IF YOU GUYS WANNA READ IT. NO PRESSURE OBVIOUSLY
#I MEAN YKNOW. IF YOU WANNA#anyway this has made me think about majima getting a job at claire's#me: oh i'll make fic someday because i love to write and also i love gay people. it'll probably be mushy romantic stuff though#I SHOULDA KNOWN. CHARACTER STUDY ASS (vine boom sfx)#anyway majima gets grounded for stepping out of line and doesn't fucking take it well for obvious reasons#featuring Thoughts about sagawa. i hate that guy but he's soooo interesting. fuck's sake#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#majima goro#sagawa tsukasa#tsukasa sagawa#listen i'm tagging him twice and majima only once because i know you sagawa fans will take anything alright. no one makes content for him#why'd i phrase that so mean. sorry lol#yakuza 0#god if people hate this or hate me for it or whatever i'll actually combust. i'm nervous#it'll probably do mediocrely and just become part of the soup of my content and that's okay. i just need to get over it because i've never#posted my writing online before. i've had it published in like. my high school litmag. but never online and NOT fan works so like. hoo scary#anyway if you like the way i write stuff here then maybe you'll like this. especially if you like my darker and/or more analytical content#which is less common than my goofs and gaffs but i still like it
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