The secret language you develop after knowing someone for so long words and turns of phrase only one person on the planet understands, all the jokes you make, all the actions your neural pathways remember, this reminds you of them, when they feel this way you give them a kiss, they love that thing, when you get a hug a thumb runs along your back. It's all bleeding out of me and I've never seen that show where she says "where do I put it? All the love I have?" But my friend is worried and I want to kiss the top of her head and another friend says "dumpling" I repeat a phrase from a joke they've never heard and when people hug me they all feel wrong and there is no thumb gently smoothing my rumples and my worries.