period orrr

march 18, 2018

big apple, lil shuco

I am experiencing tremendous moods on this period. It is so hard to distinguish if they are real of if they are just maximized due to mother nature. Today i have felt nothing but sadness and a strong desire to give up and call it a day. I definitely snowball my feelings and its for good reason, i feel in the same place from last, having to hide what I actually feel in fears of being criticized and minimized. All i want to be is acknowledged, I don’t need to be right or wrong just simply acknowledged that i have feelings and emotions. I also realized that it doesnt feel right. It doesnt feel right that I am constantly inventing plan b in my head because I feel the ground under me can be swept up at any moment. I dont feel secure in any aspects of this relationship, i dont feel emotionally secure or financially secure, here are a few examples of plan b (while we are at it)

-b) keep pennies ready to find sublet in ny for the summer, put deposit down, land job, land nu nu PAID internship, begin marketing self and finding new marks. be frugal, save stack, and get ready for a rough and new patch. 

-b) break up and change phone number and procede w plan b numero uno

-c) dont go to la and dont talk to him for the rest of my life and change number

-b) stay in ny, i think is an accurate portrayal of plan b, there is more opportunity here and distraction than nashville could ever give. I understand that i coudlnt run away from the consequences of my feelings and that could make it a tough transition into a new life in a new city. 

whatever. anyways im feeling like I want out and through and through its becoming clear to me he isnt the one for me and hes also not exactly what I want for myself or for life. I guess i have been misleading myself into beleiving what society wants me to beleve and primarily what s wants me to believe, that love is love and love is this and it is that, and it is the most highest, most purest concept, and that bc i am a girl, i want love and bc of that when someone says they love me or claim theyre actions reflect love, i must adhere and adopt this conept as my own. and unfortunately, i never wanted love, i dont care for it, i want coins- not love. I dont feel anything when it comes to love, i merely understand it as a concept, and to my understanding again, its like a trap. Romantic Love equals too many things to be adopted in as my own, it means being selfless, it means sacrificing, it means constantly compromising, it means talking to someone about a decision (permission), it means settling for what is given. 

I am not down, I really am not. Everything provided for me I am thankful for but tbh i dont need shawn to pay my bills or get my pennies up, but I guess he needs me so he doest feel so lonely or miserable about his existence. In a way, he is a dull star merely shining from light years away, while I am a cosmo twinkling as bright as the sun throughout the vast depths of the solar system .. but i am getting drained of my shine and i dont like it. 

i can work but not under these circumstances, and i know people are critics of wanting the perfect circumstances as being unrealistic or unfeasible to my generation or age, but when else will anything be at an arms length. It is feasible and realistic bc i work for it and believe it can happen. 

 and people say relationships aren't easy but worth it? WHERE SWAY and how and for why for the sake of a societal institution called love, for prison? In this expose it has been exposed I might be emotionally under developed or quiete the opposite, emotionally over developed. 

i daydream about cheating, i think about just moving on and changing my phone number. I think confrontation is obviously the biggest challenge i have here. but in a weird and oposing twist of events, i have mislead myself into believing i have morals and righteous character by not allowing myself to cheat, but the truth is i care bc it would make me look like a salty bitch trying to get back at someone, or thats how i would look to myself i guess. 

I am just over it, i am beigging to have little tolerance for this and no longer want to be in this no matter if it means going to europe or traveling bc i can do that my damn self. ookay/ also I am a hoe at heart, i like flirting with guys and getting to see what they can do for me, i also like being out and about on the scene, i like being a whore and working for my money, i like being in the company of older wealtheir folk, i like the surroundings, i like learning, and i dont like being all that stable, i like having friends. I like being a smart thot, i like being that bitch, beauty n brains and thats that. 

in light of these thoughts, here are some of the most annoying things this week: 

- “young hot girls”,whatever right? yeah except it really does bother me,why bc of the circumstances we met in its almost like being disrespectful of me or our progress and reminding me that i am replaceable. putting himself on a pedestal of desire, thats cool expect we are trying to get past that and it seems he is ever so obsessed with these stories, and the mere idea that this is him inflates his ego. its just greasy n disrespectful. you dont here me constantly talking about wealthy old men and they this and they that. my disgust turns into anger and the anger turns into a sort of vengeance, i imagine myself being a hoe again and going out taking advantage of men in turn stacking bands and exploiting the young hot girl phenomena but not with him, bc hes gross. 

-my way or no way. Pouty pout pout. how fucking old are we, I think i am constantly taking care of people in very twisted ways. Literally he has been acting like a teen age boy, emotionally underdeveloped from years ago, he can throw temper tantrums about this or that and i listen, i look to see what i do wrong and i change..maybe not all the time but for the most part, i havent asked for anything since our conversation and i also havent brought up or complained about any sort of travel. I must be the perfect stepford gf and never complain about anything..noo i must only be thankful and grateful that somehow in nashville this godly man was given to me and i must take care of him and obey him for another man will never come my way and omg they will NEVER EVER provide for me like he does and omg they will never ever ever evr care for me, and I will always just be a hole to men, so i must keep this one happy and i am lost without him, i dont do well on my own. I must have the direction of this omg man that was sent down from the heavens, a once in a lifetime chance at anything and this is the pinnacle of my life and omg HAAA. right. 

-not being listened to. I dont know wht the hell i have to do around here to be fucking acknowledged as a whole ass human, cool you keep me fed or clothed but not really actually now that i think about it. i cant compalin about shit without being made feel like shit. I cant get a fucking word in without being argued against, i can barely get through half an idea before i start hearing why my logic is wrong. if i was to express that i am utterly disrepected and disgusted when he mentions the phrase young hot girls, im deemed irrational, jelouse and that its just a joke, that i am too sensitive and take things too personally, that its not real until i hear it again. im just taken for a joke in this relationship its liek i dont really even exist and for what? for what? for fun trips that i only get to enjoy with this person i dislike, for a few coins in the bank? I can do all of this shit by my self, i can! If something doesnt give I am out, i no longer have the energy to be carried around only to be unacknowlded and barked at. and of course, if he was to read this it would be a “false narrative I invented“ 

men r so predictable

anywyas im gonna write my paper now.