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lapinedomme · 5 months

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Healthy D/s Dynamics 101:

I have never met any two kinksters who "play" in the same way, so I feel it's appropriate to lay out exactly the manner in which I approach BDSM. The long and short of my approach is based on experience, discussing at length with others, and various literature on the subject. I try to be as well-informed as possible.

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Non-negotiables—

Safewords.

This should come as no surprise. These are the single most reliable way to ensure safety and prevent boundaries from being crossed.

Communication.

Constant communication is critical to a healthy relationship and particularly a healthy dynamic. Check-ins, re-negotiation, etc. should always be honored.

SSC.

This stands for “safe, sane, and consensual.” It’s a pillar of BDSM in general. Any kink or scene you partake in should be approached in a safe manner, in a sane headspace, and with the enthusiastic consent of all parties.

Boundaries.

These are hard limits, soft limits, and rules. These are inalienable lines you draw for your own safety and sanity. These should never, under any circumstance, be intentionally crossed. However, it is up to each individual to reiterate and establish them through communication and safewords.

Mutual Respect.

Despite the power exchange, each role in the dynamic should receive the same amount of respect as the other. All players should respect each other, and their limits.

No Surprises.

No punishment should come as a surprise to a sub. If the sub takes a misstep but was not informed prior, the most they should receive is a warning for the future. The sole exception to this rule is in pre-negotiation, but that technically takes the surprise away anyway.

Negotiation.

This is what makes the world go ‘round. Negotiation is a vital aspect of any D/s dynamic, as it establishes each player’s desires within the relationship. It establishes their needs, limits, safewords, interests, abilities, and more. Re-negotiation is encouraged. This is a huge part of good communication. Negotiation is brought up constantly because of how important it is. It is the ability to make requests, share ideas, veto decisions, and more.

Aftercare.

A BDSM dynamic can be strenuous on even the strongest will. It can erode emotional stability over time if anyone is neglected. Due to sub drops and Dom drops/breaks, aftercare is always a necessity.

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Expectations—

>> unique to each individual dynamic

Expectations are generally established during the very beginning of a dynamic. These are discussed between all involved parties. There are a few general expectations that are prevalent in EVERY healthy dynamic, however:

The sub holds as much influence as the Dominant, and their word (concerns, critiques, etc.) should be respected. Although the submissive relinquishes power to their Dominant, it is an "illusion". The sub holds an imaginary big red button that stops everything, no matter what, if they push it. They have every ability to leave the dynamic, re- negotiate, pause, etc. While the Dominant is also capable of these things, they inherently have the advantage of the play power being in their court.

All parties should constantly strive to protect and improve the relationship. This is true of any relationship but is essential for D/s relationships. Any mistake on the Dom’s side could begin crossing the line to abuse; any hesitation on the sub’s end could result in harm.

Submission is earned, not taken. Many abusive Dominants will assume subs ought to submit to them, no matter what, and take advantage of submissives who struggle to set & maintain boundaries. It is important to remember that a sub is NEVER obligated to submit to anyone. They have inalienable rights and autonomy that cannot be infringed upon.

Dominance is given, not coerced. Just as submission cannot be taken, dominance can not be forced, either. It is a sign of an unhealthy sub if one tries to manipulate a Dominant into being in a dynamic with them or Dominating them at all.

Everything is mutually agreed upon. This circles back into communication, negotiation, and respected boundaries. No one should ever be made to do something they don’t want to do. Consent is critical. Always.

It’s all an illusion. As mentioned in the first general expectation: the sub doesn't actually have their autonomy or rights taken away. They're never truly made to do anything against their will. Their Dom serves them too, by offering them a safe space to release themselves of worldly stressors and submerge their psyches into the dynamic. Despite the constraints on a sub (such as the negotiated rules or habits), this offers many people freedom from responsibilities they have to do daily: decisions, initiative, etc. In this way—even in a slave/owner relationship—the Dominant is helping their submissive. By treating their sub well, a Dom earns their sub feeling safe to relinquish power and influence. A healthy Dom relishes this power exchange, and will never abuse it.

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Wants & Needs—

This is a challenging topic to cover, as it is up to each individual to determine what their wants are versus their needs.

Everyone’s needs MUST be honored; wants should be heavily considered, but aren’t as necessary to remain happy.

The hierarchy of wants vs needs: The sub’s needs.* The Dom’s needs.* The Dom’s wants. The sub’s wants.

*Both are essentially equal in importance, but for simplicity's sake, they are listed sequentially.

“Needs” are imperatives. They are conditions that must be fulfilled in order to survive. Food, water, shelter, and a sense of safety are obvious needs. In the context of a relationship, there are also certain psychological and conditional needs, many of which revolve around a sense of emotional safety and security. These soft needs are every bit as important as the obvious hard physical ones. Needs should be communicated clearly between D/s partners as early as possible and updated as necessary as the awareness of new ones arises. There must be room within the dynamic for clear communication of needs by a submissive and the ability to revise or add to them as necessary…at any time. It is the responsibility of a Dominant to meet the needs of a submissive to the best of their ability at all times. Period.

“Wants” are things that are optional. They are desires, perhaps very strong ones, but are not necessary for physical or emotional safety or survival. Not getting what you want may sour your mood, ruin your day, or leave you feeling empty or unfulfilled, but they are not going to result in physical harm or long-term emotional decline or death. It is the Dominant’s prerogative to decide whether to grant or deny wants. This is, in point of fact, the place where the power exchange actually occurs. By giving the discretion over wants to a Dominant partner you are creating the space for the power imbalance to occur. A submissive does not get to choose when, if, or how wants are granted. That is the role of the Dominant, at least within predetermined and agreed-upon boundaries. Every relationship is different, and the guardrails of this space are highly individualized. Defining the scope of wants that are handed over to the authority of a Dominant is the reason we need to be clear and upfront with one another over the span of power being exchanged.

***a good example of this is NEEDING emotional connection to flourish within the dynamic, but WANTING spanks whenever possible.

Wants vs Needs inspired by fortheloveofasubmissive's post.

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The Players—

The Submissive:

The “passive” player. They consensually give up their agency and power within a relationship. They choose, instead, to act in tandem with their Dom’s lead: enthusiastically engaging in their loss of control.

Bad Subs…

Are disengaged. They expect their Dom to pull all the weight with no personal responsibility.

Do not use their safewords. They do not honor their own limits, or boundaries, and fear putting their foot down when necessary.

Do not represent themselves. They tailor their personality and interests exclusively to the Dominant they play with, without honoring their own desires.

Do not actually submit. They engage in the dynamic hoping to “flip the script,” sabotage their Dom, dominate their Dom, or otherwise are unwilling to act their part.

Expect their Dominants to do things their Dom isn’t comfortable doing.

Good Subs…

Are enthusiastic and engaged. They go along with the relationship happily, offering ideas, asking for negotiation, scenes, and reminding their Dom of their needs and wants.

Always use their safewords. They communicate when they’re approaching their limit, and pull the plug BEFORE their limits are broken. They keep in mind their own and their Dom’s safety.

Represent themselves unapologetically. These subs show up as their authentic selves, knowing what they need, what they want, and how to communicate this. They do not tolerate neglect.

Genuinely submit. They find freedom and joy in putting aside their control, to allow their Dom to take the reins for them. They love the release it brings and the escape from everyday mundanities.

Respect their Dom’s limits. They’re aware that the Dominant’s limits are just as important as their own, and do not take it personally if their Dom turns down an idea or rain checks something.

***What is a “sub drop”?

A sub drop is an emotional and physical low that can occur anywhere from a few hours to a few days after the emotional/hormonal high of a BDSM interaction. It’s most commonly experienced after a heavily intense scene, but may be triggered at surprising times. Due to the submissive’s conditioning, a sub’s brain will fill with endorphins, serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin. This is a huge positive imbalance in their psychological chemistry. This is the rush that people feel when submitting. After, without proper “wind down” or “cool down,” the brain will experience a massive negative imbalance, as the brain returns itself to normal by depriving itself of these chemicals temporarily. It can cause anxiety attacks, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, depression, and many awful side-effects.

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The Dominant:

The “active” player. They shoulder the lead position in the dynamic, and the burden of responsibility to maintain the sub’s best interests and safety at all times. They agree to assist their sub in escaping the displeasure of vanilla life.

Bad Doms…

Act out of selfishness. Everything they do is for their own benefit, with little to no regard for their sub.

Disguise abuse as BDSM. This is unfortunately easy to do. The D/s dynamic, in any other context, would be an abusive one. Without the safety net of negotiation, communication, and the dynamic as an illusion; the sub would be in a heavily abusive situation.

Expect submission. However, they do nothing to earn it. They simply engage in the dynamic to take advantage of subs who don’t know any better.

Prioritize their wants and needs over their sub’s needs and comfort. They hold apathy towards their sub, and use their sub to fulfill their own desires with no regard for their s.

Don’t give their subs a voice. They do not encourage negotiation or communication. They ignore sub’s ideas and wants.

Disregard safewords and boundaries. This is obviously a huge issue. Ignoring such things can risk a submissive’s safety and health; mental health included.

Can’t handle the responsibility. They find maintaining trust and the sub’s happiness to be “too much.” They don’t strive for their sub’s soul safety, and do not put in the work to be a happy place for their submissive.

Good Doms…

Act with selflessness. While their wants and needs are important, they are also happy when their sub is happy. Everything they do will help their submissive flourish in some way.

Put in the work to strengthen safety nets. They don’t ever allow the dynamic to cross the line into abuse. They are diligent in keeping things kosher and healthy.

Always earn submission. They understand the submissive’s independence and inherent value. They never attempt to take submission through force.

Prioritize their sub’s needs and comfort over their own wants and needs. They understand that, in such a power exchange, it is fundamental to fulfill their sub first and foremost. A fulfilled sub is a fulfilled Dom.

Will always respect their sub’s wishes. They never remove the sub’s voice and ability to make negotiations, ask for things, or offer ideas. Their sub is an important aspect of the dynamic’s success and they know this.

Never ignore a safeword. They will always respect boundaries. This includes consistent check-ins, breaks in heavy scenes, and aftercare.

Love the responsibility. Knowing they can uphold a place of peace for their sub gives them a rush. They love the exchange of trust—sometimes more than the exchange of power—and will do everything in their power to keep the dynamic healthy.

***What is a “Dom break”?

Also known as “Dom drop” or top drop.”This is the same thing as sub drop physically. Once you understand what sub drop is, and how it works, you will already understand Dom break. It is the same neurological consequence of riding such a hormonal high during scenes. As with sub drop, this can occur outside of scenes, too; and may be caused by surprising things.

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Most everything written within has been gleaned over years of being involved in kink, personal experience, and various literature. Most may be considered "common knowledge," although citation for "wants vs needs" is included as a footnote above. Sources for included images are linked through the images themselves; simply click on the graphic.

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