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orchestratetheopensky · 7 years

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As my values and self image change, so does my taste in men

You heard it here first.

“Mina doesn’t have a type!” Damn straight, Mina doesn’t have a list of like top 10 things I NEED in a man etched on a huge ceremonial stone in my living room and worship occasionally.

I read in an Ayn Rand book (and yes, I’ve read multiple) some quote about how one’s sexual choices are revealing about your core values. Your choice, your taste in men is a reflection of who YOU are and how you perceive the world around you.

So it makes sense that my taste in men has changed so dramatically in such a relatively short period of time. I’ve had a really rough past like 5 years! I wouldn’t recognize my 5 years ago version of myself AS MYSELF if I met her face to face today, just like I wouldn’t be seriously into the same guys I was into when I was 5 years younger than I am now. Times change, I change, and I like different kinds of men.

I don’t text post very often anymore and that’s largely due to the fact that I am in love with memes and I spend a lot of energy on more important things than the internet (HA half truths)...but I felt like this was important.

Last week I was out with a girlfriend at a local bar, known for being slightly ratchet but like a young, spoiled, ‘i just graduated from college’ version of ratchet... anyway, so I met a guy. It always comes down to stories that start with “I met a guy.” SO THIS GUY... I didn’t notice him at first and honestly I spent a lot of the night dodging his advances while still engaging socially. There was a little bit of flirting involved on my end, maybe not the most honest thing to do, but we’re only human right? Earlier in the night I had picked him out for my friend- basically IMMEDIATELY when he entered the room, and this is because he’s tall. My friend is a tall woman, about 6 ft, so when an attractive and super tall male enters the room I feel obligated to do the shoulder nudge and whisper (loudly) to her, “I FOUND ONE!!!!” followed by a pointed finger, that is subtle to Drunk Me but really obvious and embarrassing for Less Drunk Mina’s Friend and Varying Degrees of Drunk fellow bar homies. My friend and the tall dude hit it off, and his friend was into me. I kept the socializing going mostly, in my mind, so that my friend and the tall dude could continue to hit it off without being pulled away by their friends. I wasn’t initially into this guy, tall dude’s friend, let’s call him Bill, because: A) I am kind of dating two guys long distance- not that those will probably ever pan out, but it’s hard to let go for practical reasons when two people care about each other and there’s no reason to break up other than something stupid like distance, yet distance is still a big deal (whatever) B) My initial impression was that he wasn’t my ‘type.’

He has a big nose, ok? It doesn’t bother me now, but it did at that time. Part of me didn’t want to entertain being interested in someone else and another part of me was adhering to my Drunk Type instead of my Actual Type. I think everybody’s Drunk Type is just very primal, based purely on physical attraction. Some people’s Actual Type is the same, but those people aren’t very intelligent people. My Actual Type is extremely different from my Drunk Type.

So it turns out this guy is definitely more my Actual Type, despite not being my Drunk Type.

My Actual Type has changed so much. A good indicator for me to pick up on what those changes are is...what turns me on. Weird things turn me on now. Things like responsibility, low drama, MEMES (Bill and I bonded over memes and mutual hatred for Donald Trump and it was very, very attractive), when dudes are COURTEOUS, etc.

Weird phenomenon, but the bottom line is: When I was insecure, believed whole heartedly in western beauty standards for all genders, tied my self worth to my success, my appearance, and how many guys were interested in me, my Actual Type was basically my Drunk Type- Attractive. Plus douchey, emotionally unavailable, dramatic, dark, and a tease. I liked that. I liked not being able to actually have what I wanted, and it always reinforced in my mind that I wasn’t good enough- but that was addicting. Very unhealthy cycle.

Fast forward to now. My Actual Type includes a baseline level of attractiveness, largely screwed by whatever his personality traits are and how he socializes, kind, responsible yet humble, nonembarrassing in social situations, low drama, fun, up for adventures like I am. It’s more based around what they can do for me, based on what I can offer in a relationship. Instead of finding somebody who will ‘fix’ me, or solidify my underlying ideas about my own self worth, or somebody who connects with me on dark shit and together we can just magnify it and spiral into the abyss together. NO. None of that shit anymore. I’m old and tired, life is hard, love is harder, and I just want a nice guy who believes in God, isn’t a dick, doesn’t embarrass me in public, can laugh, actually follows through on plans, and has a job (not because I need the money, but because I also have a job and I just want somebody who’s on that same playing field as I’m on. A compatibility/life situation synchronization thing). Surprisingly there are many men who fit the above criteria and that’s proving to be a whole new kind of challenge for me, as I’m dating multiple people. While that concept is solid and I believe in it as being a good thing, I don’t think that’s standard procedure for society anymore, or at least for my generation. I don’t think these guys know how to live in that limbo between ‘hey i just met you’ and ‘we are together and might get married within the next 5-10 years’. There is a happy medium, live in it, love it, abide by its non-rules of exclusivity of which there are none, hence ‘non-rules’.

I like this Bill guy. I have gone out with him a few times this past week and he is great, he wants to keep seeing me. I haven’t figured out yet how to bridge the conversation of ‘I’m dating other guys and even if this goes well, I have a dude I’m dating visiting me from CA in a month and a half so I can’t be exclusive or anything before then no matter what. I have a schedule for these things. By the way he’s sending me a valentine in the mail too.”

What the hell am I supposed to do for Valentines Day? I’m just gonna assume Nothing, unless proven otherwise by some human OTHER than myself.

And because I lost the overall direction of this text post in the first place and i’m already in stream of consciousness mode.... my ex Adam (his real name, because fuck you Adam, not that you’ll ever see this but it’s still satisfying) keeps texting me that he misses me and wants to talk and see me again and he’s sorry etc etc etc after 5 MONTHS OF ABSOLUTE SILENCE. I had deleted me on fb, I have a request from him just chillin in my friend requests list. I didn’t have his number in my phone anymore, I am not adding his name as a contact. I’m mentally referring to him as the last 5 digits of his phone number, like Jean Valjean in Les Mis, 24601.

Happy scrolling and yes, there’s a person running this shit blog :)

#life blurb

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garynsmith · 7 years

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The Inman Files: House drama, Goldberg and low-tech ‘iBuyers’

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I’m working on a new weekly email featuring my thoughts on the industry and more. Here’s my first crack. Send me feedback at [email protected]. And if you would like this in your inbox every Friday, sign up here:

The House Drama: Episode 1 (coming soon to Netflix)

When my wife Yaz and I bought a house in Southern California last month, a brown patch in the tiny green front yard annoyed me to no end. It was not that important, and my eager Realtor Byron made sure the gardner fixed it before we moved in.

The homebuying process also had a brown patch; if I’m honest, it was actually two or three big, ugly patches. They too annoyed me and they too can be fixed, but it will take lots more than watering the grass.

Here is the setup for our crazy experience: I found my agent on the internet, confusing a Zillow Premier Agent advertiser for the listing agent. Fancy-pancy real estate expert — me — got duped. We got lucky; Byron is a good agent.

As we all know, the real estate industry is hyper-competitive. And because there are few better catalysts for innovation than competition, real estate is constantly blazing new ground. Real estate expansion teams -- teams that do business in multiple markets -- are one of the industry’s latest, and hottest, innovations ...

The house was an off-market– in fact, a premature off-market listing, like a banana that is way too green to eat.

It also became a dual agency listing by a prominent broker in town.

To add to the Hollywood drama, the seller was seemingly having a relationship problem as we closed the transaction, causing his partner to get cold feet about moving out of the house.

The entire deal got icky when the off-market listing + dual agency + a nervous seller added up to an iffy closing.

If this was a treatment for a true-crime Netflix series, we could call it “Blood on the Deal.”

Look out for Episode 2 of Season 1 next week.

Outside/Inside Inman

Drum-beating or beating a dead horse?

Put a bow-tie on Rob Hahn and you get Fox News gadfly Tucker Carlson. Their politics are not the same, though a libertarian streak runs through both. They like to bite the horse. That is what a real gadfly does. And as annoying as they can be, they do it with some intellectual fervor. They are characteristically obsessive, which is common among this particularly persistent but entertaining media archetype.

Take the National Association of Realtors (NAR) CEO search. Hahn carried the cross for mapping out what NAR should do when hiring its new chieftain and then painted the outcome with a single stroke — How could you?

Part one of his 5400-word rant was dubbed, ‘The Silence of our Friends: NAR CEO Edition,” trashing almost anyone who applauded or who didn’t publicly criticize the Bob Goldberg choice. He cast them as cowards.

Then like someone stacking too many pancakes on a single pile, he took NAR president Bill Brown to task for objecting to his first post. The message was “I dare you!’ — very Tucker Carlson-like.

All of this was fair fodder. And we should be grateful the industry has Tucker Hahn to remind us that the decision certainly looks like a classic inside job.

Who is the X Woman?

Here is what I heard through the Realtor-vine. The NAR search committee recommended at least three candidates to the seven-member NAR leadership team for the CEO position to replace longtime exec Dale Stinton — Bob Goldberg, Alex Perriello, an X-woman, and maybe one outsider. Was there an order to their recommendations? Not sure; I heard two conflicting scenarios.

Then, the NAR leadership team, who made the final decision, voted. But they were allegedly split. As often occurs in these sort of split votes, at the end of the discussion and the vote, the Chairman (2017 NAR President Bill Brown) asked for a voice “acclamation,” which is a form of unanimous consent once one candidate has enough votes (four was the magic number).

This happens so that it can be reported out that everyone agreed, and — technically — they did.

Eventually, someone will get drunk in a hotel lobby bar and spill the beans on all of the details. Transparency, meet your best friend: Alcohol.

Though touted as such, this was not a transparent process. NAR was paranoid enough about keeping the process secret that their legal counsel sent us a letter about our reporting on the CEO selection decisions.

But at this stage, who cares. Goldberg is the choice. Good luck, Bob!

My advice to you: The end is near for top-down leadership trying to rule the roost. The empowered agent runs the real estate industry, no one else. Not brokers, not franchisors, not Zillow and not you and the NAR leadership team.

The old hierarchical system needs some work to adapt to this bottoms-up reality.

Trade groups play an important role, but the days are over for them trying to control the universe.

Outside Inman

TV and video games explain economic purgatory?

Like a deceivingly stable rollercoaster, we see unemployment down, job growth up, interests rates low. The housing is market recovering and the stock market is celebrating some sort of weird Wall Street party. Yet economic growth is anemic, the equity divide is unresolved and consumers are uneasy. We are stuck in that economic middle ground between heaven and hell — limbo. What’s up?

The researchers at the Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco work late to figure out these economic Rubik’s Cubes.

Their latest: “The Disappointing Recovery of Output after 2009” aka “Why are We in Purgatory?”

They note “the slow growth of total productivity, and the decline in labor force participation,” a trend that started before the recession and is now hurting the economy.

Normally, people pursue employment to get out of their economic ditch. Unemployment comes down and people go back to work after a recession. But not this time, say the researchers.

Interestingly, poorer families went back to work at increased labor participation rates. But not families with higher incomes. And this is what is dragging down the economy and accounts for low rates of growth.

Source: “The Disappointing Recovery of Output after 2009” report

If time spent looking for a job went down, which it did for higher income families, what were these folks doing with their time?

“Personal care and leisure [went up], which include a large amount of TV watching and other video-based entertainment, especially for men,” say the Fed analysts. “The drop in hours devoted to other activities included a decline in housework for women. Basically, time use shifted toward enjoyment and away from work and investment activities.”

America got lazy.

Inside Inman

(McMansion) Hell on earth: Blogger vs. Zillow

This fiery but short-lived story is important because the fight over photo intellectual property has just begun. What did we learn?

Zillow can’t sue third parties for photo copyright on the behalf of agents, brokers and MLSs, but it can flex its muscles in the legal land called terms of use with arguably some success. Kate Wagner won’t be taking photos off Z’s turf moving forward and, given the internet’s reaction to Zillow’s threat, I’d be surprised to see more threatening letters anytime soon.

Past post from McMansion Hell

Flop or flop: A new HGTV series about real estate startups

These startups will become relevant if one of the models actually catches on. Hundreds, if not thousands of predecessors, have tried and flopped.

Bots vs. agents

A website chat tool is betting on agents over bots. This face-off is more than a debate, changing the role of agents.

BREAKING NEWS!

Cutting-edge instant offer/iBuyer platforms breaking out all over the country. Talk about convenient.

Comment of the week

“Poaching of agents gets old and makes the industry look like a car lot full of used car salesmen,” said Jim Weix, referring to the brokerage that got punished with a $5M verdict in agent poaching case brought by Douglas Elliman.

Email Brad Inman

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