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#at least we're HAVING this conversation it's so so much worse on twitter
raytorosaurus · 1 year
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Sorry that this post is long but I would appreciate it if other white people read it and thought about it. I've been reading a lot of posts and the tags on them and I just want to make it very clear that this conversation isn't really about Ray getting 'attention' or his talent getting acknowledged. We should not be minimising this to “we need to acknowledge that Ray is an excellent guitar player” because everyone knows that, all you need is ears. True, it went largely unappreciated by fans at the height of mcr’s fame, but at least that's different now. What we're talking about now is about so much more than that - in fact, part of the problem is Ray getting reduced to nothing but the guy who shuts up and does the solos. We're talking about a pattern of behaviour that has been so deeply rooted in this fandom for so long that it's almost invisible to white people. It's a collective problem but it's perpetuated by individuals and needs to be addressed at an individual level first before it can begin to change.
I will acknowledge that, at least in my circles, things have started to change a little bit this tour in regards to people noticing him and discussing him beyond just his solos. But on the flipside that's only highlighted the larger issue, which boils down to how differently Ray is treated from the rest of the band. This is a consistent pattern. If he's not being ignored, he's behind separated out and set apart from the others - either being put on a weird pedestal or given suspiciously backhanded compliments.
Back in 2020 when I'd be lucky to see three posts about him a day on my dash I used to spend a lot of time scrolling through old inactive blogs to queue Ray pictures. Back in the pre-breakup days, if he wasn't being called "princess fro fro" he was being called ugly or he was the target of straight-up racial slurs. There was a weird narrative that he like, lowkey bullied Frank or took more credit than he deserved for mcr's guitar parts (which is painfully ridiculous and only proves that nobody paid attention to a single word Ray's ever said). Until very recently, the punchline of one of the main "jokes" (quotation marks because the word joke implies it was ever actually funny in the first place lol) in this fandom relied on Ray being at least casually homophobic. And these were blogs that posted Ray - I can only imagine how much worse the people who actively didn't like him would have been.
Nowadays, I post a lot of Ray content so I see a lot of tags from people outside my circle of mutuals. Let me tell you, there are Patterns. First of all, there's the classic "tags that completely ignore Ray to make the Ray post about Frank and/or Gerard instead." But more and more often what I'm seeing is if he's not being infantilised, he's being treated as some hyper-masculine, omni-competent, suave sex god or something - each of these things are equally reductive and dehumanising - and each of them are different manifestations of racist stereotypes and common fandom attitudes towards people of colour. Sure, Frank also gets weirdly infantilised a lot, but in a very different way - Frank is woobified in the way people often treat their fictional faves out of affection and horniness, whereas Ray is just reduced down to a personalityless nice guy - something that is also very common with fictional characters of colour. Then there are people who act like he's some kind of long-suffering untouchable genius who puts up with the little weirdos in his band because they worship his talent or something, as if he's not on equal footing with them as their peer and creative partner. And then you get the people characterising him as some kind of rough macho domineering dude because he's…tall? I guess? And plays guitar with confidence? Or is it just because he's brown.
I just..genuinely want you to sit down and think about a reason Ray might be singled out and separated from the rest of the band like this.
Is it because he's quiet in interviews? Mikey was always quieter. Also, Ray has done a lot more interviews than you think, they just haven't been circulated by fans as much. Also, he's literally the second-most featured band member in lotms - you know, the almost sole source for their fandom-driven personalities back in the day.
Is it because he's less feminine than the others? Both Mikey and Frank regularly present as more traditionally masculine in their fashion choices and mannerisms etc. The only thing “more masculine” about Ray than the others is...his body type I guess. There’s a whole conversation there about the intersection of gender and race and racist perceptions thereof.
Is it because he's private and keeps out of the public eye? So does Gerard.
Is it because people historically found him less attractive than the others? I shouldn't have to explain that that was the racism all along (yes, I know there's no accounting for taste, but Ray was regularly and actively mocked for his non-white features, and noughties beauty standards, especially in the alt music scene, were overwhelmingly white and racist. I regularly get tags to the effect of "when did Ray get so hot???" and honestly it's pretty telling that he's only widely acknowledged as attractive now that he's lost weight (whole other important discussion on fatphobia in this fandom here btw) and his hair has changed texture and beauty standards have shifted so certain racial features are fetishised rather than mocked.
Is it because he wasn't involved in one of the iconic bandom boylove duos? News flash, all "ships" are made up fan theories. Rpf and/or tinhatting is based on what fans notice and what rumours they perpetuate. Besides them kissing on stage a few times to make a point over 15 years ago, you know frerard lore because people talk about frerard lore. You know petekey lore because people talk about petekey lore. The truth is nobody cared enough to pay attention to Ray back then. (To be clear, this isn't me trying to tinhat anything about him, I'm just once again pointing out the obvious disparity in how Ray is treated compared to the others.)
I consistently see people acting baffled at how he's been behaving this tour - skipping or bouncing around the stage, eating his solos up, being physically affectionate with his bandmates. I can tell you he has literally always acted like that. Sure, this tour is special - he's certainly a lot more confident than he used to be and seems happier than ever, but really the biggest thing that's changed is now we get full footage of every show so it's literally impossible to overlook.
I also see people acting baffled when others point out the way Ray's been mistreated by fandom - being shocked that anyone would crop Ray out of band photos etc. I guarantee you that almost every single one of you has reblogged pictures where he's been actively cropped out, because some of the most iconic Frank-and-Gerard pictures that constantly get passed around on here are just that. "But how would we know" - sure, it's not your fault, but it's a small example of the way the more blatant Ray erasure from the past gets passed down to new fans and perpetuated by them unknowingly in turn. Cropping him out of pictures is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of how his talent and personality and significance to the emotional heart of the band has been overlooked. I can't tell you how many iconic well-known quotes from interviews or paragraphs from Not the Life it Seems directly precede facts about/quotes from Ray that nobody seems to have heard.
So again, this is not really a popularity thing - it's hard to measure but I'd say in the past few months Ray's overtaken Mikey in terms of mass popularity, at least on tumblr. You don't need to performatively post once a day about how Ray Toro Is God or how much you want him to rail you or how much you want him to rail your white fave because "he's the only one who can top" (you Realise how this sounds right?). I'm just asking you to confront your internalised biases and the external biases ingrained in the culture and history of this fandom, and start treating Ray the same way you treat the rest of the guys. He's not an untouchable god and he's not a sunshine cupcake, he's just Some Guy who's really fucking good at guitar. He's a proud stay at home dad, he's cringe as fuck, he loves to cook, he listens to podcasts about fucking Apple products for fun, he writes (very) shitty poetry, he takes his sons to women's rights marches, he invests in bitcoin, he cries when his mom sends him postcards, he drives a douchey car, he loves children's cartoons, he's a corny liberal just like the others, he loves his friends wholly and openly. Just…please acknowledge the history of racism in this fandom, think about how you as an individual might knowingly or unknowingly perpetuate it, and try to do better. And please just treat him like a human.
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golbrocklovely · 3 months
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these asks are very oddly similar. almost like the same person wrote both. but maybe i'm wrong about that lol
imma keep it a buck fifty with you, we're just gonna have to agree to disagree. and that's totally fine.
you have every right to never indulge in conversations you don't want to partake in, and that includes ones about colby's love life. if that is not your cup of tea: totally gucci, anon. feel free to ignore when i get asks about it or talk about it in general.
that being said, there are a couple things, in both asks, i want to discuss.
first, i wasn't defending myself in the previous ask you were mentioning. i was explaining my thought process, which i guess came cross as defensive.
second, i need to express that while i agree with you there are fans that do take it too far and go above and beyond when it comes colby's love life, realistically - even if i were to say "hey, stop talking about his love life. it's weird" to every anon i get, that wouldn't stop anything. just basing it off the numbers on youtube, they have ~11 mil + ppl watching them at any given time. that is ~11 mil + ppl paying attention to their every move. that's more than the population of nyc looking at them rn. do you know what would happen if i ignored an anon or if i told them they're weird for wanting to know something they think i know? they would go to someone else. and the longest game of telephone plays on.
(and of course, not every ~11 mil + ppl talk about his love life. obviously i know that. however, if you genuinely think a good majority don't partake in some way... you're wrong. before i even knew anything about snc, i knew about colby's love life. and this was back when they barely had over 2 mil subs.)
they'll go to twitter or tiktok, even worse, to see what ppl know. and there, they'll be told lies or hearsay or rumors. at least with me, when i get an ask saying "hey is colby dating X" i can tell them directly "no he's single", and hopefully that ends the search. i know in most instances it won't, but i'm not here to police what ppl do in their free time. i'm not the snc police. it's not my job to do that. and if i were to ignore asks that i get about his love life, which i do often, ppl would just find someone else that knows. so again, the cycle doesn't end.
but i agree that some fans go extremely far in their search to know about colby and who he's with. i've seen how fans befriends girls that were seen with colby and act like they are their biggest fans, only to drop them when colby does bc they no longer have a connection to him. i've seen the hate his girl friends get. i've been in this fandom for a long time. i've seen the lowest lows. i've seen the stalker-adjacent fans, and actual stalkers. it is gross. which is why i do my best to call out ppl when they are freaking out too much about him being seen with a girl. or i try to calm ppl down or straight up hide the identity of the girls he's apparently seeing bc i don't want them to get hate.
reality is, i'm not the only one who talks about his love life. hell, i'm not the only one that talks about his love life on here. if it wasn't getting talked about on here, it would be happening somewhere else. and it already does. does it make it right? i'm not here to argue that. if colby had a deep issue with it, he's a big boy. he can tell the fandom to fuck off. and he hasn't. the most he's ever said is "i don't like being shipped with my girl friends bc it makes it weird".
i do my best to defend colby bc there are plenty of ppl in this fandom that see him negatively bc of his love life. but i can't exactly defend him if i can't mention the thing that has caused the problem, aka his love life. it's a catch 22 of a situation. and i do know about the contracts you've mentioned. it's a shame that that occurs. and it's a shame that fans feel the need to hate on anyone that they're a fan of or that their idol is seen with. i don't get it personally. i think a lot of it stems from jealousy and believing you own your idol. and of course that applies to colby. but i think in an odd way, him having a love life shows others that they don't control him or own him, which is why i wish him to go and do whatever the hell he wants. it humanizes him in a way, especially when so many ppl see him as this untouchable "person".
also if you genuinely believe that "human curiosity" does not play a major role in why ppl seek out anyone's love life and info about it; gossiping - which is essentially what ppl do on here and other social media sites, has existed in its modern definition since the 1500s. the first ever printed newspaper, circa 59 BCE, is believed to have HAD gossip in it, along with other social related things. we are social creatures, who seek to learn about ppl. part of that includes love and romance, and the gossiping nature around secretive ppl. sorry, but this type of shit existed long before fandoms were ever a thing. granted, it's definitely evolved in both a good and bad way since then bc of the internet, but let's just be honest here.
again, you don't gotta listen to what i say or do. if you don't like these topics, feel free to go ahead and move about your day in other ways and ignore me. when i'm not on here, i don't really think about snc or what colby does with his free time. and i imagine a lot of other fans are the same way.
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powerofmettatonneo · 2 months
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Hi, i’ve been looking at your post, talking about it, and sharing it with some friends. Honestly i’d even say i’m a fan of you and your work despite how little of it there is right now. I have a couple question.
First, I was wondering if you had any other accounts that I could follow your work on, like twitter and such.
Second, I saw that you took classes in etholgy and talked about advocating for the personhood of animals. I mean, I know they’re smarter than we sometimes give them credit for. Take for example the recent study with scientist communicating with whales with their own language for the first time. But I was hoping to get your insight in what you mean by personhood of animals and thoughts on the topic. (And also table napkin thought on how anthropomorphizing can harm or help our understanding of animals)
Third but a little more obscure, is that you use humanity, personhood, and the being of « more human » a lot. I was hoping if you could expand on the differences of these terms and how they interact with one another.
Sorry for all the questions, just honest to god fascinated with your perspective of things and the topic in general.
Here’s the whale communication study I mentioned: https://globalnews.ca/news/10182116/humpback-whale-conversation-talking-to-aliens/amp/
Oh my gosh thank you so much for your kind words! This, AO3, and YouTube are actually my only accounts online that I post anything on, and I just use my YT account to reupload other people's deleted videos. I used to use Reddit but I'm trying to distance myself from that account since half a decade of hot take type comments starting when I was 15 isn't exactly the best look for anyone.
Your last two questions are linked so I'm going to address them at once. Human is simply the term used to refer to a member of the genus Homo. There's nothing all that special about it philosophically when separated from personhood, which is more or less the description of what beings do and don't fully matter morally. Speculative fiction and philosophy tend to equate it with sapience, which is more or less a meaningless term made up to separate humans (or worse, specific groups of humans) from other animals and make ourselves feel superior. There have been attempts to give it meaning, but nearly every definition uses traits that are found in at least one other species of animal and/or are not universal to every group of humans (with the notable exception of artistry but I frankly find it absurd to discount something's moral worth over that). As such, if we're going to approach the topic logically, then some animals at the very least have traits of personhood.
Language, for example, isn't exactly common in animals, but it isn't unheard of either. Bats, cetaceans (whales and dolphins), pinnipeds (seals and sea lions), elephants, songbirds (a group that contains crows btw), hummingbirds, and of course parrots all learn different "words" that they apply meaning to and then use. Cetaceans, parrots, and some songbirds even use something akin to grammar.
Ritual behavior has been shown in chimpanzees, dolphins, and elephants as they grieve for their dead.
Self-awareness, the trait most commonly held up as making humans special, is hard to measure due to the language barrier, but there is still some evidence for it in certain animals. The mirror test isn't perfect when it comes to discounting a given animal's self-awareness, but if an animal can identify itself in a mirror, it's hard to argue with the idea that it has a sense of self. Animals that passed include various dolphins, great apes, elephants, magpies, and even certain fish. Furthermore, an African grey parrot named Alex once asked a question about himself, being the first recorded instance of an animal asking anything, and bottlenose dolphins use names for themselves and others in their pod.
I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. I don't really have a definitive list of animals that I believe should be considered "people", especially given all the legal implications of that sentiment, but you've probably noticed that same groups of animals showed up again and again. Dolphins were there in all of the different categories, and elephants only failed the grammar category because they largely communicate using vibrations which work so differently from regular sound that they're hard to meaningfully compare to human languages. Parrots, corvids (crows and relatives), and great apes all have stand out members that showed up in two or three of the categories in the African grey, magpie, and chimpanzee respectively, and the other members of those families as well as whales are all intelligent and social enough that I am of the opinion that they all deserve certain philosophical rights and even legal protections. It's so easy for us to see personhood as a black and white thing that something either has or doesn't have, but like most things, it really is more of a spectrum.
To answer your "table napkin thought", while I won't deny that anthropomorphizing real animals can often lead to a lack of true understanding of them, the harm done by people trying to avoid doing so is both more common and so, so much more horrific that I hesitate to critique it too much. I mean, I have straight up seen very influential people say that acknowledging the extremely well supported fact that other animals are capable of feeling pain is "anthropomorphizing" them because one specific area of the brain that is partially responsible for processing pain in humans is only present in primates, and that of course can, and historically has, lead to horrific abuse.
I really don't mind all the questions! I love talking about things I'm passionate about, and this topic is certainly up there among the the things I care most about.
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mdhwrites · 10 months
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Thoughts on Helluva Boss?
I really liked the pitch!... I also haven't watched any of it since the episode where Blitzo and Moxxie get captured.
So I really like slice of life and sitcoms and just general comedy and I thought the premise of "Murderous The Office" was actually a fun one. Have fun with the fantasy, the religion, the world, etc. like that most sitcoms can't do because... You know, they're theoretically grounded in reality. Effectively, this was going to be Family Guy or Archer but with no breaks.
And I found there were a lot of breaks. Just a lot of "Okay, I get this, is actually the Blitzo and Stolas show, easily the two least interesting characters to me at introduction because Blitzo is just an asshole and you're having to go hard on the abusive wife angle to try and make how Stolas CONSTANTLY is trying to get fucked by someone other than her something we all can just ignore." It just... Wasn't the show that was originally pitched to me and nothing I've seen on Twitter makes me change my mind. Otherwise, for what I did see... I absolutely get why people find the show polarizing. It's like Dane Cook. It's thinking that somehow sex, gore and profanity are really that shocking anymore while still not being as grotesque or violent as something like Happy Tree Friends because it uses that veneer to tell a real story. The show has the modern problem of billing itself as one thing until it changes into something else the minute the plot shows up.
If you just want to do a plot focused show, JUST DO THAT DAMNIT. Or have a point to the build up but if Stolas isn't in an episode, you can mostly skip it it feels like. Or that's how it felt to me. And I'm not even saying that its shock humor is all bad. It has some good jokes, it has some bad jokes and for me it mostly depended on if it was a real character response and conversation or pure profanity. That's why Moxxie was EASILY my favorite character in the show. While he felt out of step with the setting, or even his job at times, he has easily the most real responses. Not even just human but like... Real responses rather than just more profanity. I REALLY liked him trying to prove himself to Millie's family. Honestly, I just wish the show was way more about them.
Because the melodrama with Blitzo's backstory and Stolas' failing marriage? I don't know. It just all felt really standard and boring to me. Like... This would be a comic book plot/backstory with humans involved and you wouldn't need to change literally anything. And that's just... Not interesting. Frankly, that's probably also what made me lose interest. The more it focused on its plot, the less it did with its actual concept. The less these characters felt like demons or that felt like it mattered. We have shows where every human being is awful, murderous, addicted to drugs, a part of a gang, etc. like that. Just look at fucking Riverdale.
And that's a problem with Vivzie's entire brand really. I'm not even against Vivzie, I'm still excited to see what they do with Hazbin Hotel, but... the brand is "We're the violent, edgy cartoon" and like... Really, how much worse is it than some Family Guy episodes? Helluva Boss sometimes just feels like the real pitch is "Every character is Roger from American Dad" and that's not a good brand pitch.
Though yes: It is GORGEOUS and the designs are great. It's a treat for the eyes, even if the writing isn't particularly special.
I also just don't think this attitude leads to interesting or creative writing and like... The biggest thing with their concept that Helluva Boss does is Angels actually being terrible... Which isn't new. Or is it the secretly homicidal rednecks because that's literally just a horror genre? This stuff isn't interesting because it's not asking genuine questions about its setting or its characters.
It's just "What is the most aggressive and/or offensive thing we can do?" and that's just not a storytelling style I like and it's very one note. It's why the show has to go so hard the other way to try and make Blitzo and Stolas 'sympathetic' and at that point... What the fuck was the point of the show? There's always more shit to shovel?
Because shit ain't interesting.
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hanzajesthanza · 1 year
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new year, ni-mue...
get it? it's like "new me," but "nimue"... haha...
tl;dr i'm going by a pseudonym now!
personal update
in the new year, as i'm going to try to make more witcher context (no promises, it's just a goal of mine—it's simply a matter of initiative and positive thinking!) i'm going to stop using my real life name online, because i realized that's probably not a very bright idea.
the thing is, my "real life" name used to not be my real life name—it used to be my online psuedonym, but for gender reasons, it was more comfortable than my real name, and i began to use it in real life, so now it basically functions like my "real name."
this didn't bother me too much on tumblr, because "nobody really cares" about tumblr, but since tumblr has become a twitter-alternative at the same time that i've realized i also have a penchant for using other social media sites other than tumblr, more public-facing ones, namely reddit and youtube, i've realized i should probably phase out using my real name for a pseudonym for general internet safety rules. and please, i know i'm not a child, but internet safety is important at any age. a good example has also been made for me by some of my internet friends who do use pseudonyms, and i've somewhat always regretting not going by one.
if we're mutuals or have spoken before or you just happen to know my name, don't worry about switching out my name or calling me something else *if it's a private conversation.* you can call me by my real name on discord or in DMs.
i still completely identify with my real name and i'm not switching my name for any gender-related purposes—i just don't want to have my name written down publicly on social media sites like tumblr, youtube, reddit, etc. where anyone who's never spoken to me before can just show up, find my name, and start calling me by it, or worse, trying to cyberstalk me.
so, what pseudonym will i be going by?
after giving it some thought (a lot of thought, as included in the read more), i have decided to go by the pseudonym nimue.
reflections about fandom experiences, explanations of my concept, and other ideas and disclaimers under the cut. skip to the end for answers to some anticipated questions.
experiences in the fandom
around one to two years ago, i began thinking about the witcher fandom and my role in it with more seriousness. ... that sounds ridiculous, i know—i'm literally just some guy on the internet.
but i seriously enjoy writing long posts about the witcher and having long discussions about the witcher on the internet. and apparently, there are people who also enjoy reading these posts and having these discussions. i've always wanted to prioritize this kind of interaction and spaces, as i find them incredibly fulfilling. maybe it sounds pathetic, but the witcher and fandom has a genuine priority in my life—it's a great hobby, an interest i focus on almost every day. so it stands to reason that i'd like to identify in this space and create spaces where this kind of interaction can flourish.
i don't know if it's the general direction of the fandom at the moment, but this past year, especially these past six months, have been pretty great in relative terms of fandom interaction—at least for me. the discord server is active, there seem to be new witcher book fans joining tumblr, and i've started using and posting on r/wiedzmin and r/witcher with some unexpected success and appreciation.
i'm trying to be mild here, but i feel like this fandom is growing and has a lot of potential—perhaps it's wrong to say this about a fandom that just turned, indeed, 36 years old, but i just mean—in my experience. when i joined the fandom in 2017, it felt like there was virtually no books content. most everything was witcher 3 content, which was great, but personally? i remember feeling deeply unsatisfied—and more than that, i was deeply lonely. yes, there were friends and mutuals (shout out to the longterm mutuals and homies!) but there was no daily conversation. this really continued for some time. of course, the n*tflix series made it a worse situation, even more despairing.
until march of 2020, when i promoted the first discord server (now a private server) and people—who became my good friends—to my surprise, actually joined. this bastion of book fans, as i'll call us, went on as a kind of cultural hub, and i was very encouraged by this. today, the new books server i created six months ago has taken this torch and functions as a hub. and in these experiments i realized—there are people out there, we just need to find each other.
but, i also realized, this will not happen by itself. we need to take the initiative.
by this hand—yes, all of that about fandom experiences was a huge non sequitur—i have pondered the creation of a witcher fandom persona, along with a youtube channel, also for a long time.
i began to think of this in mid-2019, with no shame i admit it was in anticipation for the then-upcoming n*tflix series. i, foolishly and naively, thought that i could create videos comparing the n*tflix series to the books and assessing what was accurate to what was made up. of course, it turned out that december that it was all made up, and there was little serious analysis to be had, because what could be created was either overwhelming—explain every single mistake they made, which would take forever—or nothing at all—it was not even worth watching and reviewing.
after that, i felt very turned away from the thought of a channel, and somewhat creatively stifled. it became a challenge to not compare, every single day, between what the books had VS what the n*tflix series had—not only in terms of lore, but in terms of fans. it suddenly felt even more lonely and futile to make witcher book content, even when it would have been the time that people perhaps needed it the most.
i perked up a little bit in december of 2020, but i ran out of time to create anything of substance—did i mention, throughout all of this time, that i was in college? i was free for a month for winter break, then had to jump directly back into the spring semester. and i did not fool around about my studies—i put every single bit of effort i had into school, then into work. so, of course, there was little to put into the witcher.
of course, the pandemic hit, and everything went online. i barely remember these months, they're all a blur. i had some great conversations and friendships online during this time, because all socialization was moved to online, but i can't remember if i put any effort into the channel during these months or not.
channel concept: inis vitre
then, in december 2021, i was suddenly plagued by some visions and motivation to put into the channel. i had this idea, along this line of thinking:
"i'm very nervous and insecure about creating videos online. my voice, my face, my body, to put it all on the internet feels too accessible. i need to hide under layers of pretend, of fantasy, of escapism, in order to feel confident enough. what to do?"
i came up with the idea of a youtube channel called "nimue's tower"—of course, after re-reading lady of the lake a bunch during the fall of 2021, i came to have more appreciation for ch. 2 and 7. there is a very lifelike, fleshed out world of nimue's island, her tower and all of its aesthetics and philosophy. adding to this that it seems almost untouched by fans, so why not create something around this identity?
i later changed the idea so that "nimue's tower" would be a sort of canon-focused, lore-focused segme—one of many segments—which would appear on the channel named: inis vitre. (that's the name of the island, if you haven't read ch. 2 of lady of the lake in a while). perfect! and this would open it up for other kinds of themed segments to appear on the channel—"condwiramurs' corner," for instance, which would feature headcanons, theories, and other "source: it came to me in a dream" type of content—literally.
so, my plan was that i would loosely roleplay as the sorceress nimue on her island inis vitre, who is receiving a guest—condwiramurs, you, the viewer—to help her with seeking the legend of the witcher girl. in united scholarship, we would "explore the legend" together in various videos analyzing different scenes from the books and the "lore".
cute concept, right? hopefully not too cringey? i'm still set on this, by the way, so i hope to do this sometime in the future—!
the amount of "roleplay" and acting "in character" is a variable i have yet to see to. is it nimue... as a youtuber? is there a more meta "hey guys, what's up, welcome back to the channel"? or is it a more serious "you're finally awake, come and eat breakfast, and then we can discuss your dreams" type, where there is heavier storyline? is it video-by-video, or are there consecutive, chronological episodes with a progressing storyline? ah, decisions, decisions. but this is the general concept i want to pursue, and the kind of title, image, persona i want to create. this has all been sitting in my head for around a year now, so i just have to write it out on the internet, to say: "i thought of this, this is what i am going to do."
reasons i chose inis vitre & nimue
again, this is possibly cringey, but i wanted to write out the reasons i resonate with nimue as a character and inis vitre as a place.
inis vitre, to me, is a metaphorical, figurative place. an island in the middle of a lake where no one goes unless they want to be afflicted by the mania of the legend of the witcher. a somewhat remote place, where only nimue, the fisher king, condwiramurs, and the serving maids reside. a place of scholarship and pursuit of the legend - with a library and gallery, filled with memories, facts, and dreams. thinking of it this way, i already live on inis vitre - on my own little "island", apart from everybody else, where i give into my obsession about the witcher to analyze and daydream as much as i like. and of course, the natural setting with its pine trees, beaches lined with mussels, pristine waters, and cool air reminded me of my real-life setting, too. so to me, inis vitre is a lot like a home.
as for the reasons i identify with nimue:
nimue describes her relationship to the legend of ciri in terms of pathology, a "mania" which "simply everyone knows" that she is "afflicted" with.
nimue is very curious and motivated, especially when she was young, emotional, and passionate about the legend (in season of storms).
nimue is very methodological in how she approaches the legend. she has a library of sources for this very reason.
nimue prefers, and seeks, the "real" legend, wanting facts and reality. owing to this, she is neat, and tidy, and demands respect for both herself and her work. she's studious, and treats it seriously!
nimue is regarded as short. yes, this is a serious reason why i relate to her. she is short, yet no one disrespects her anymore for this fact. it doesn't affect how her opinions are perceived.
of course, i also identify with condwiramurs:
condwiramurs describes her relationship to the legend of ciri in terms of love, calling it like the early infatuation and romance being replaced by something like the coolness of marital duty.
condwiramurs is, literally, a dreamer. her job is to read inbetween the lines and envision what was not stated or recorded. she also seeks the truth, but by using her own abilities and powers on top of the research.
condwiramurs prefers the "beautiful" versions of the legend, the story-like ones, where ciri throws behind her an apple, a comb, and a handkerchief as she is leaving the world of the aen elle.
to me, "nimue" and "condwiramurs" are just representations of the fans of the series, and the kinds of internal discourse we have. this is also why, in my opinion, these two sorceresses are not described in such individualistic detail, unlike the sorceresses of the lodge, for instance.
answers to anticipated questions
no, this is not kinning. no, this is not me losing my grip on reality. i just want a fun, witcher books-related name that i can give to introduce myself, but one which also resonates with me. the name is intended with a dash of some wry referential humor, it's not a serious, "i am this character, treat me as such" kind of deal. as i stated, the name "nimue" is representative of an attitude, a philosophy, the passion and curiosity of a fan of the witcher. it's not a literal name. that's why it's a pseudonym.
yes, i know some people find it cringey to go by a character name from the fandom you are participating in. my way of thinking is this: only the fans which have read up until lady of the lake will understand that my name is a witcher reference, and nimue is a minor character whom many fans already forgot about, or didn't care much of in the first place. thus, not every fan that interacts with the witcher will, upon first glance, find it an unbearably distracting name, so much so that they are unable to interact with me (like, it's not like there is a legion of "nimue fans" who make headcanons for the character, ship the character, etc. so that it would be distracting to call myself by this name). additionally, i'm not going to be compulsively introducing myself by this name in every post i make, it's more like... a business card. something to call me by, something to introduce myself as, a number you can put in your contacts. that's really how i think of names functioning in society, anyhow.
yes, i know that nimue is a female sorceress and it is a "female name." well, my real life name is also a "female name," and does that make me female? no. my relationship with my gender is my own. don't worry, i know what i'm doing. i don't care if this leads to me being more misgendered on the internet, because i don't need to prove my gender to anybody, i know who i am. and i can just hope that people will respect me for what i say and take me seriously.
yes, i know that this doesn't mean complete safety on the internet. remember that that is only one of the reasons i am making this change. my thinking is, better late than never, better to start now than never at all, and best to do it when it lines up with a creative venture and something i want to put my heart into.
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autumn-foxfire · 1 year
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The whole thing about Toorus cover has already been frustrating enough but whats even worse is the amount of ppl that had come out of woodwork to yell 'its not even the first time he sexualized a minor!!!' or 'this is shonen what did you expect??? Other mangaka do it too'
Like you understand that first is just worse and second is no excuse. Like yeah Hori probs wont see any of the outrage and that cover will sell like hotcakes but these are still important conversations to have in fandom about the standards of the way women are treated in manga. Like why no try to build a mood in fandom where mangaka are held to higher expectations instead of just giving up cuz 'its shonen standard'. Drawing cute girls for teen boys to swoon over is one thing, putting an almost completely naked minor on the cover of ur very popular (and publicly sold like i cant imagine how this will look on BOOKSTORE SHELVES) is another. I also see many ppl bitch about like 'oh ppl who complain the most are those who write explicit bakudeku smut' which like, wild conclusion to some to and probably not true but also i think ppl have to understand that influence of a random fic writer in a fandom (even if a popular one) is Very different from influence of a popular mangaka whos work influences the fandom culture anyway. Like there will be ppl who write freaky shit in every fandom but the mangaka very much sets up the bar there i feel.
Like, Witch Hat Atelier is extremly non sexual manga (aside from Qifrey whos sad and wet) and the only sexual content ive encountered for it was between the two adults in it. There IS a creator there that draws minor x adult explicit stuff (as i said freaks in every fandom) but the only reason i know of them is cuz there were warnings from other users like 'hey this person is posting yxz art tagged under the main manga tag, it can be p upseting so make sure to block them!' its a whole different climate for real.
Uhhhh long story short like ppl are allowed to discuss weird stuff a mangaka pulls, thats good for the fandom, why is everyone on twitter so damn ready for this to be their hill to die on lmao all ppl are saying is 'wow pretty gross for Hori to put a naked teenager on the cover' hows that controversial
....long time no rant at foxy i hope i made sense
I completely agree with you, Lucy and I'm mad that the attitude in fandom a lot of the time is "well there's nothing you can do about it so why complain?"
Why aren't we allowed to hold Mangaka, grown men, accountable for the shit they draw and sell to a wide audience. Why can't I be upset that yet again a female body is being exploited by a grown man for sales.
Yes, she's fictional but that's not the issue! It's an issue that it's okay just because she's female and this has been normalized! Imagine the outrage in public that would have caused if it was Deku in such a pose?! It probably wouldn't be allowed to be printed, let alone on the cover of such a popular magazine that is sold to young boys.
It's because people brush it off that it's everywhere that NOTHING WILL CHANGE. Yes, my voice will probably go unheard regardless but at least I'm saying something about it, at least I'm supporting people who are also upset that their bodies are used like this. It's better than ignoring it and the people hurt by Hori's choice (which you'll notice are mostly females).
And the argument that fandom creates content just as bad is null. Firstly, a fandom creator who barely gets over 100 views most of the time will NEVER carry the same influence that a man who draws in over 10s of 1000s. Not to mention, it's deflecting the issue. We're not talking about the creation of porn, we're talking about how Hori has exploited the female body, using a character of his that is a minor, for profit as representation for his work.
My question is WHAT DOES THIS COVER DO. It doesn't represent Hagakure as a character nor it doesn't represent his story of heroism. It exists just for people to, frankly, jerk off over. As a fan of BNHA, I don't want what was once one of my favourite stories represented in such a way! I don't want a character to be reduced to this!
If Hori wanted to draw sexy females for young males, he should have created an ecchi manga, not a shonen one. At least then I wouldn't have to see this bullshit with my own eyes and have it supposed to represent something I used to love.
I'm upset as a female because I'm tired of shonen artists getting away with using girls like this, especially teenage girls.
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power-chords · 2 years
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I'm not going to point exclusively at Twitter and be like "this is the reason there is so much shitty art now" when there are innumerable great minds out there who would probably be producing great work if not for the bills, rent, and exhaustion. The fact of the matter is that basic needs are not being met, which is as toxic to creative flourishing as it is all other kinds.
But the effect is there, and it is so, so bad. I don't think we're going to get a true sense of just HOW bad until another 10 or 15 years down the line maybe, but it's going to get worse before it gets better. I don't even think the problem is necessarily Twitter in and of itself. The problem is that it is standardized and COMPLETELY functionally inescapable if you are a working commercial artist or someone who enjoys that art, who pays any amount of attention to it. The worst thing about it is that even if you don't use Twitter, or use it sparingly, your mere basement-level awareness of its continuous and omnipresent pop cultural mediation affects everything you make (if you're the artist) or how you interface with it (if you're the audience).
Which is not to say that the basis of that relationship is new, or the least bit problematic. There has always been the conversational (often adversarial!) feedback loop between artist and audience, artist and critic, nudging the mass market ship's wheel toward one directional zeitgeist or another. Talking to each other, listening to each other, exchanging signals.
But that dialogue used to occur on a delay, with processing time, a built-in rendering period that enabled for some bare minimum of thought and consideration. Now it is occurring in real-time, at light speed, in everyone's pocket, inside the device they spend three to six hours out of every day staring and thumbing at. On the app that actively encourages the worst of your attention-seeking impulses, whether that's dunking on nerds or serving up hot takes or whatever else makes you feel like the smartest, funniest person in the room. It’s not a conversation anymore. It’s just winks and nods and elbow jabs.
I was talking to a friend of mine about this, just how insane it is, and how new. TV shows, for instance — even very good ones — are in discussion with their audiences in a way that even recent and very influential programming did not have the social and technological infrastructure to allow. The Sopranos was not caught between the online funhouse mirrors of people reacting to The Sopranos, reacting to each other's reactions, or the writers reacting to people's reactions. Breaking Bad (again, great show) may be the prototypical example of this phenomenon, which is now totally normalized. There is not a thing produced without the constant, acute awareness of the means through which it is being consumed, while it is being consumed, and with that awareness having an almost immediate, direct effect on its own production. Combine that with the normalization of fandom, which used to exist in its own designated Weirdo Silos, and you're eventually going to get this insane proliferation of intellectual junk food trying to pass itself off as balanced nutrition. Homogenization at warp speed.
I think it's a bad habit to get in, and a dangerous road to go down, to try to give people exactly what they're telling you they want instead of what they didn't even realize they want. But it's gotta be profitable, right? And now everyone is telling you exactly what they want. So why risk it?
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itsclydebitches · 2 years
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I don't think it's as bad in my rp fandom as what you're describing in OFMD, but only because what you're describing is so extreme it's pretty bonkers. (Also the fandom is 2+ years old so some of the in-you-face hostility died down in favour of people staying in their communities and doing a whole lot of vagueing.)
I think it's something that got worse with time. The fandoms known as toxic during the mid 2010s were so much different than the current fandom culture (or maybe just internet culture) we have now. My experience then (so obviously it could be subjective) was that there were a few toxic elements that got emphasized but were relatively easy to avoid, but now the toxicity seems to be the default.
Idk, it seems to me like with every fandom I get into the last few years it feels more toxic than the last. And maybe it's just recency bias or something but it really doesn't feel that way when every time some new brand of toxicity turns up.
I definitely don't want to be that old man shaking his cane at the sky going, "Back in MY day fandom didn't have drama!" because of course we did, it just took on different shapes. We could write whole histories dictating the changes fandom has undergone through the zine era, early Internet, the turn of the century, and now, but whether each change is better or worse really comes down to what we'll personally tolerate + how much we experience it in our circles + how much the past is colored by our nostalgia. All that being said, it certainly feels like fandom toxicity is worse nowadays, though I wonder how much of that is due simply to the exponential growth of "fandom" as a concept. It used to be that fandom (or rather, transformative fandom. Sports fandom is a whole other conversation) was a pretty niche thing and websites devoted to it were themselves fairly isolated corners of the Internet. Now we've reached an age where the average person can at least give you a basic rundown on fanfic (I can remember a time not too long ago when everyone I met irl needed a definition), where actors and writers are encouraged to directly connect their work to the community's interests ("What's your opinion on x ship??"), and the websites where fans gather double as everyone's social media go-tos: Tik Tok, Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, even Facebook. And as we've all probably experienced, the bigger the fandom, the more potential for drama. Now that we've reached a place where everyone is instantly connected and "everyone" is involved in fandom somehow, is it any wonder that the toxicity seems to have exploded? Or, even if it hasn't, we're in an age where it's so much easier to see it. Back in the day, you were kinda forced to better cultivate your online circle simply due to the limitations of technology. Now, alongside a hefty dose of algorithms, we're bombarded with more takes per hour than we ever would come across during the earlier days of social media. The forums of old really can't compete with the posting intensity of twitter, nor even the new-ish trend of creating enough content to keep pace with the canon. With shows dropping all their episodes at once and all but forcing fans to binge lest they encounter the dreaded spoiler, we've got intense responses where everyone is simultaneously voicing opinions about the entirety of the story minutes after cramming it all into their head over 10+ hours. That's one of the (many) reasons why I miss a weekly schedule: it allows fans to slow down, consider the content, discuss next week's potential, and generally not indulge in a crazed desire to say All The Correct™ Things Right Now.
It's a lot and yeah, I'm not easily able to separate my own biased nostalgia from the objective changes that have occurred. Did more people really understand tl;dr better back in the day, or are my memories just highlighting the good times and the way things were structured meant I just never came across others' drama? Are writers and actors getting involved in fandom really the downfall we sometimes paint it to be, or was it inevitable given that so many of us grew up and got involved in these industries precisely because they sparked our passions? I can remember the days when we were begging for a better site than FFN, when the legality of fanworks was a legitimate threat, when celebrities publicly made fun of fans, going so far as to paint them as dangerously obsessed. We imagined a world where we could enjoy our hobby safely and without ridicule... and now we can! For however many problems have popped up alongside the change in fan culture, I do try to step back on occasion and go, "Look at how much better other things are too. You're not getting cease and desist letters in the mail. No one can erase all your hard work overnight. The actor you respect is celebrating you, not laughing at you on SNL." Objectively speaking, fandom may indeed have gotten more toxic and I definitely will never stop pushing the old courtesies in the hope that things will get better, but if any of that is a result of fandom going mainstream enough to secure these benefits... then fuck, I'll take the tradeoff. Especially because at the end of the day, tools remain in place to cultivate our own community. Yeah, it's frustrating when it feels like there's nothing but drama going on and getting anon hate always sucks, but provided there are filters and a block button, we can personally tackle toxicity in ways we couldn't personally fix a lot of the shit fandom was dealing with in the past.
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josiestargirl · 1 year
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Justa Vent
Well this whole Twitter thing hit me at an awkward time. I just moved to a new city, and I don't know anybody outside of the house I live in. I have nobody to talk to outside of those I live with. And I'm worried (almost certainly overthinking, but worried all the same) that I don't fit in, and that I'm not cut out for handling living here.
It's easier than where I came from, but in different directions? I don't know how to make that make sense. Basically, I can be myself as far as being trans, living as a woman, etc. That's great! I have been accepted 100% as far as that goes. That was the whole point behind moving here, and that's been going without a hitch thus far. But once you get past me living as a woman, the other aspects of my personality may not be a good mesh.
See I'm autistic. Not a huge deal, everyone in the house has experience with autistic people. But it seems my autistic ability to put my foot in my mouth is truly special. If I say something, it's the wrong thing. If I say the right thing, it's too loud. I talk too much, or too little, or the moment slips by me without me saying anything. I just have not found a groove when it comes to successfully interacting with these people and not feeling like a gigantic fucking loser when I walk away.
The person I know the best, and who wanted me to come here, I've known for quite some time. We've previously had some no-strings-attached sexual encounters, and those have gone well. He's expressed interest in me domming him again, but I wanted to wait until I got at least the majority of my body shaved. He himself is trans, so he doesn't care about body hair, but dammit I do. So I got the shave done, everything except my groin area because I just wasn't capable of tackling that after getting everything else, and I made a joke about climbing Everest later and being satisfied with Kilimanjaro for now. Except I spoke too loudly, and the whole fucking house heard and laughed at my joke about my body hair when it was part of a conversation meant for one person, and I'm fucking mortified.
There is in fact something worse than a joke nobody laughs at, at least for non-comedians. A joke that wasn't meant to be heard by somebody, but when you finish telling it you hear them laughing.
Glad you thought it was funny. I'll just go and hate myself for the rest of my Friday night for my utter incapability of being able to be the slightest bit subtle.
I tried starting the body hair conversation with (I don't wanna use real names, we're calling him James) over Discord but he doesn't check his fucking Discord regularly, so I broached the subject by joking about him never checking his Discord (notice the coping technique of using humor to approach difficult topics). He didn't check his Discord, he said for me to tell him now, and out comes the stupid Everest joke at maximum volume of my bass AMAB voice.
So hey, if you have a person in your life that prefers to communicate over written channels, and they tell you they sent you a message, don't ask for them to spit it out in person. FUCKING CHECK THE GOD DAMN MESSAGE I PROBABLY SENT IT TO YOU ON FUCKING DISCORD FOR A FUCKING REASON IT MIGHT BE SOMETHING I DON'T WANT THE ENTIRETY OF THE FUCKING HOUSE TO OVERHEAR!!!!!
I can't be mad at *checks name scrambler* Alex for overhearing the joke and laughing, but dammit I'm mad at James over not just checking the Discord. Don't even need to do it right then! Just at some point tonight! Fuck!
I feel better now. Eh, maybe having a longer form blog will be more conducive to me actually typing in the fucking thing rather than trying to be clever in 280 characters or whatever and locking up and just lurking. Obviously from this rant, I lack the wit to aspire to brevity.
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qwhlz · 3 years
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Bakugou X Reader
Okay, well, I wrote this a while ago, so I'm posting it as my first post haha. Um. Ok here are the TW so if you're not comfortable please don't read!
Also, please read until the end :D it gets better
I was listening to this so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ~
Tw: slight smut, fluff, described violence (mineta yk), coronavirus
"So everyone stays inside, no going to the grocery store, the food will get transported every week. The school will be off until health is guaranteed. Understood?" Aizawa sternly announced over Iida's phone as everyone in the UA 1A dorms stood around it, in the common area.
There had been a deadly virus spread, and they called it Covid 19, or Corona.
No one really understood how the fuck this virus started, more so why the most infected was Asia, but they understood the rules they were given.
"Yes sensei. Thank you for telling us. Have a good night." Iida answered as he hung up. It was currently around 7 PM, so most of the students were in either PJ's or workout clothes (khm Kiri).
"What the fuck?!" Bakugou yelled as he rubbed his eye. He was about to go to bed, actually, so this was pretty annoying. I mean, they're under literal house arrest. How the fuck are heroes supposed to act?
"Well, everyone heard Aizawa sensei. You can keep doing whatever you were doing, just no going outside. As long as we're inside, everyone will be okay." Iida said as he quickly bowed to everyone, leaving to go to his room.
"Sounds kind of made up, don't you think?" Denki said as he fell on the couch, his head falling on Sero's lap.
"Kind of," Mina said as she sat down next to him, putting his sprawled out feet on her lap.
"Everyone inside at all times. Girls. This is heaven." Mineta mumbled as he drooled next to the table in between the two couches, before getting a kick to the face that sent him flying to the other side of the room.
"Shut the fuck up you perverted asswipe," Y/n said as she sat down next to Mina, resting the back of her head on her shoulder as she opened her phone, going on social media to check if this virus is actually real. Which, if it was, concerned her a lot. The crimes are definitely gonna go up and isn't this the perfect opportunity for the LOV to attack, AGAIN?
"Thanks, babes." Mina said as she pat Y/n head, earning a tiny smile.
"Yup, it's real. Twitter is swarming with it." Y/n added, answering Denki's earlier question. By now, everyone was either on the couches or the floor in front of the couches.
"Damn, lemme see," Denki answered as he put his arm out, palm open as he quickly made a grabbing motion.
Y/n went to hand it to him, but it got snatched away by the angry blonde she always kind of adored. He was mean, but have you seen him blush? It was the cutest thing in the world.
He scanned the phone as he scrolled down, reading a load of media bullshit before his eyes widened, groaning. He threw the phone back at Y/n, which ended up hitting her flat on the face. "Ow." She said bored as she scanned her phone, seeing a random, and obviously photoshopped, Kamui woods nude. She laughed as she showed the poorly edited picture to Mina, who also laughed.
"What the fucks wrong with you," Bakugou mumbled as he rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger.
Y/n shrugged as she hid the photo, before handing the phone to Denki like she originally planned. He read over the news, sighing as he handed her back the phone with a black phone case on it.
"How stupid," Denki added as he snugged his head into Sero's lap.
"Whatever. Im gonna go to my room. Goodnight to all the bad bitches and Mineta. No, actually, fuck you, Mineta." Y/n said as she stood up, Kissing Mina's cheek.
People mumbled goodnight as she walked to the elevator, feeling the sensation of being followed. She glanced behind her, seeing the angry blonde as she smirked to herself, before regaining her composure. She favored him more than Mina, which was pretty weird.
"Sleepy?" She asked with a smirk as the two of them walked into the elevator, both with their hands deep into their pockets. She pulled one hand out, clicking the number for the 4th floor. They had actually gotten much closer ever since the summer training camp incident. Bakugou actually had a lot of PTSD and nightmares, resulting in serious panic attacks in the middle of the night, as well as the middle of the day, and since he knew Y/n used to go through it too, he somehow got forced to tell her. Y/n was glad he did because he was able to text or call her whenever he had one of them, making her always be there to help. She never asked for anything in return, which Bakugou found weird. He wondered why, anyone really, would want to help him without asking for something in return. He was also really weirded out by the fact that she was awake at 5 AM every other night.
"Tch, shut up. At least I sleep." He answered as he leaned on the glass wall of the elevator. The glass was clear, but thick, for safety and family-friendly reasons.
"Oh shut up. It's not my fault I have insomnia." She averted her eyes as he furrowed her brows a bit. She had insomnia ever since Bakugou got kidnapped. She had actually really liked his personality, meaning she liked him. Not in a romantic way though. (Yet)
Once she saw him get taken before her eyes, it was the only thing she saw when she fell asleep, as well as worst-case scenarios. So, she gave up on trying to sleep. Once he was safely returned, she expected everything to go back to normal, but it didn't. She even tried taking melatonin, but it didn't help. So, over time, she developed small purple eye bags. Nothing too serious, but everyone knew she had insomnia. And why. Except for Bakugou. She asked everyone nicely (which wasn't her best trait) not to tell him, so he doesn't feel guilty. Even though he would deny it, she knew he would feel that way at one point.
The elevator let out a ding as the doors opened, letting them exit as they both went the same direction. Since Y/n wasn't allowed to live in the dorms at first, and most of the rooms were taken, they put her on the boys side, the fourth floor, far far away from Mineta. Y/n was actually caught beating the shit out of him 2 times behind the school. Well, she did it more than 2 times. That was only when they caught her. To be frank, Mineta annoyed and frustrated her to no ends, and the fact that he didn't even bother stopping after being beaten up multiple times, says something. Yes, that was a bit violent, but sexual harassment was not a joke. At least not to her. She would've been suspended, but then they'd have to suspend Mineta as well, which wasn't their top priority. Not that he favored him or anything, and by he I mean Aizawa, he actually hated the little shit, but he couldn't admit that to anyone. Mineta was still a student.
She opened her door as Bakugou took a couple more steps, opening the door right next to hers. "Good night B. Call me if anything happens, okay?" She asked seriously as she smiled at him.
"Tch." Bakugou retorted as he nodded his head, barely, but she noticed as she smiled before going in.
Bakugou was really grateful for Y/n. Not that he'd even admit it to, even himself, but he actually was. She was one of the blunter and mean people in the class, except for those she liked, so he felt like someone actually cared. Everyone else was way too nice. And, to be real, he actually admired that. She always told the truth, no matter how harsh it was, but if it was to someone she liked, her words were more gentle. She wasn't a person to lie to either. Every time, anyone really, lied to her, she knew. It was like an instinct. She was really special. To think someone random he met would comfort him and try more than his own mother is unimaginable. She never lost her temper around him, and if she did, she would smile as leave for a minute to cool off. The scary thing about her was, she knows how to control her emotions. She knows exactly what to say every time. She knows self-control better than anyone.
Bakugou sighed as he stepped into his room, taking his shirt off as he went to his closet, taking out towels, pajamas, and his toothbrush and toothpaste. Bakugou liked to go to sleep early since he was disciplined, but he also liked to hope that would make his nightmares go away. He hated his PTSD. It was his worst enemy. Worse than any villain. He felt like he was weak. Not his body, but his mind. Like he was too weak to take one traumatic experience, when people had many.
Y/n set her phone on her bed as she took her pajamas and towels, as well as her hygiene stuff. Her room was pretty clean, some random clothes were thrown around, but the rest was pretty nice. Her bed had pretty, white sheets, some faint stains on them, and it was in the corner of her room. Next to that was a balcony, and then her closet. The rest of it was just random decorations and paintings she made and liked.
She left her room at the same time as Bakugou as she looked at him, smiling before waiting for him so they walk to the showers together. He rolled his eyes playfully as he tried his best not to smile. "Wanna shower together?" She said as she winked at the slightly taller boy, whose face erupted into a blushing ness at her comment making her chuckle. "Shut the fuck up." Bakugou mumbled as they stepped into the elevator, which was surprisingly still there, clicking on the first-floor button.
"If that pervert tries anything, tell me." He said as he tried to start a conversation, barely think about his words.
"Pft, why? I beat him up multiple times. At this point, I know all his weak spots and how not to leave marks." She smirked as she nudged Bakugou's shoulder with her elbow, before resting her head on it. "But thank you for worrying. I appreciate it." She said as she softly smiled. The elevator seemed to move slower as Bakugou's heartbeat increased. Every time they made physical contact, he'd get flustered. It kind of made him annoyed that his body could give in so easily.
"Do you want me to sleep in your dorm tonight?" She asked as she glanced up at him, still leaning on his bare shoulder.
Bakugou shook his head no, as the doors opened, causing her to pull herself away from him and walk out together.
Y/n and Bakugou were known as best friends around the class. Even Aizawa knew it. He also knew about Bakugou's nightmares, hence he let Y/n sleepover in Bakugou's room anytime she wants. Aizawa, as well as the rest of the class, knew that she was the only one able to calm him down in said situations. Some girls were jealous since Bakugou had a soft spot for her, but she never used that to her advantage.
Y/n waved, wiggling her fingers as they went separate ways, each into the bathroom of their gender.
Y/n set her stuff down as she stepped into a shower, turning on the water as she did her hygiene, as well as washing her body and hair. Once she was done, she put her PJ's on and brushed her teeth after.
Y/n turned her body as she went to leave the bathroom, but her knee hit something. Y/n looked down, spotting the familiar purple sex offender in front of her, smirking with only underwear on.
Y/n groaned as she tilted her head back, rolling her eyes.
"Hey, sexy." He said with a lisp as he walked into the girl's bathroom, closing the door.
Y/n looked at him, already knowing what he was going to fail at trying, so she played along. Y/n smirked as she leaned over, locking the door behind him, before going back, crouching down to his height. She was still smirking, which somehow only made Mineta horny, instead of alarmed.
"Okay. I guess I was playing hard to get. Come here." She smiled as she stood up, walking further away from the door. Mineta's eyes widened as he jogged up to her, placing his hands on her hips. It took every muscle in her body not to puke, but she managed to keep calm.
"But I'm more into tying." She said as she took one of the towels the girls used to clean the floors, putting it around the gremlin's eyes. He was smirking hard as Y/n noticed a tiny thing sticking out of his pants.
"Oh, you naughty girl." He said as he allowed her to tie him up completely, hands and ankles involved.
After she was done, Y/n stood up, chuckling.
"Did you really think I was going to fuck you?" She laughed as she picked him up by the hem of his shirt easily, walking over to the door, ignoring his voice filled with confusion.
"This is the last time I beat you up. If there's a next time, you won't make it out alive. I don't care if Im suspended or expelled for committing murder, as long as you're dead." She said slyly in his ear as she slammed his face into the tiles on the wall, earning a cry and groan from him. She actually held back a lot. She could've broken his skull with that hit, but she held back. His nose wasn't even
broken.
"Y/n? What the fuck was that? Are you okay?" Bakugous voice asked roughly from the other side as the doorknob jiggled. Y/n was still smirking as she scanned Mineta's bloody nose. She unlocked the door as she looked at Bakugou with an innocent smile. "I'm okay. He just tried to do something with me, that's all." She said as she stepped out to see a very angry Bakugou glaring at Mineta in Y/n's hand.
Bakugou went to jump on him, and probably kill him, but Y/n put a hand on his chest, gently pushing him back as she kissed his cheek. "It's okay now. You can go to bed." She smiled as she left, entering the common room, earning a few confused looks from students that were still in there.
"Uh, Y/n. What are you doing?" Denki asked as he scanned the bloody and tied up Mineta, furrowing his brows as Mina laughed next to him.
"Oh, nothing, just my usual nightly activities. Sero, could you help me?" She asked as she smiled at Sero who looked at her concerned.
"Uh, sure? What's up?" He asked as he stood up, walking over to her, ignoring Mineta's yells. "Just some tape. Thank you." She said as she smiled at him. Sero reluctantly shot some tape out, ripping it as he handed it to her, earning a kiss on the cheek.
Y/n walked up to in front of the common room TV as she took a chair, ignoring everyone's stares as she taped Mineta up to the wall above the TV. "If anyone takes him down before the morning you come to talk to me okay?" She said as she looked at everyone who nodded, before she smiled, bowing. "Thank you." She said as she left the common room, taking Bakugou's hand as they walked back to the elevator. Bakugou's hair was damp, the ends of his spikes tilting downwards as she smiled, ruffling his hair.
"What did he do?" Bakugou asked, almost in a growl as she cracked his knuckles. Y/n put her hands over Bakugou's, stopping the cracking. "Don't crack your fingers. It's bad for your joints." She said as they went into the elevator.
* * *
It was around 3:26 AM, and Y/n was in her dorm, eating ice cream and watching TikTok. She chuckled at a random video as she scrolled, eating a spoonful of chocolate ice cream. As she went to take another bite, she heard two knocks on the wall behind her head. Her head shot up as she set her phone down, carrying her pint of ice cream as she quietly left her room, opening Bakugou's door as she went inside, locking it behind her.
In front of her, on his bed, was the same scene she had been seeing almost every night. Bakugou, red puffy eyes, and cheeks, sitting leaned onto the wall, on the other side of which was Y/n's bed, with his arms hugging his knees.
Y/n sighed as she took the spoon out of her mouth, walking over to Bakugou as she set the ice cream next to her, cupping his cheeks as she made him look into her eyes.
"It's okay my love. It's okay." She whispered as she pushed his knees down, straightening them as she sat on his upper thighs, hugging him tightly. Y/n started calling him the nickname a while ago, so it wasn't weird to either of them. He actually found it very comforting. And she was just happy to be able to help and connect. Well, maybe she needed some reassuring as well.
Bakugou squeezed her tight with his arms wrapped around her waist, intertwining with each other. He sobbed into her shoulder as he shook, making the girl sigh. She hated that he had to go through this, but it had gotten better. He used to have nightmares even when napping but after some reassurance from Y/n, it had gotten better. Y/n's goal was to just get him to feel good again. No nightmares. He refused to go to therapy, so Y/n started researching and going to a therapist herself to learn how to help him. It wasn't the best, but she tried.
"I know. Focus on my breathing okay? On my heartbeat." She mumbled as she started balancing her breathing, hoping he'd follow along, which he thankfully did. Bakugou inhaled, shaking, as he tried to follow her breathing, trying his best. Since Y/n and Bakugou were room to room, they both put their beds on the same side of the wall connecting them and using a knocking technique to decipher. 1 knock meant a flashback. 2 knocks were a nightmare. And 3 knocks was a full-on panic attack. Bakugou rarely ever used three knocks, even though he had panic attacks more than nightmares, but he wanted not to be seen as weak. He thought that she had already seen him in such a weak state, she didn't need to think he was even more of a crybaby.
Once Bakugou managed to calm down a bit, she pulled back, still hugging him as she put her forehead on his. She looked into his piercing red eyes as she blinked slowly, smiling at him. Bakugou's view went to her lips for a second, before quickly returning back to her eyes. Y/n smiled surprised. He had done that a couple of times, but she always ignored it, thinking he just didn't want eye contact. But, this time, he started leaning in slowly. At first, she didn't notice it, but when she did, she looked at his eyes. He looked back as he blinked a couple of times, finally closing the gap as he kissed her gently. It wasn't a french kiss or anything. More like a long peck. Both of their eyes closed as they kissed before Bakugou pulled back. Y/n chuckled as she raised her hand, putting it in his hair. "Didn't think you had the balls for that." She whispered as she smiled at him. His brows furrowed as he made a tch noise before kissing her again, this time a bit more passionately.
Y/n kissed back as she smiled into the kiss. She had never thought he'd do this, and she could bet her life he'd regret it in the morning. This is just the heat of the moment, and she was sad that was all it was, but she had made peace with the fact that the only label Bakugou wanted, was the #1 hero. Not a boyfriend.
Y/n felt a warm sensation on her bottom lip as her eyes shot open, looking at Bakugou's closed ones. She felt a gentle tug on her hair as she opened her mouth slightly to protest, but he had already put his tongue in her mouth, twirling it around hers. Y/n blinked a couple of times before he pulled back, licking his lips after. "Do you have chocolate?" He asked as he looked at her confused.
Y/n rolled her eyes as she moved off of him, taking the pint of ice cream with a single spoon, setting it next to her as she sat to the right of him.
Bakugou's arms extended as he grabbed her hips, pulling her back onto his lap as she yelped quietly. He smirked at the small blush he could see in the moonlight as she rolled her eyes and picking the food up, taking a spoonful and putting it up to his mouth. Bakugou's mouth opened as he took the ice cream. Y/n went to have a spoon herself, but a hand snaked up to the nape of her neck as his arm pushed her lips back onto his, transferring some of the ice cream into her mouth with his tongue. Y/n's eyes widened as she pulled back, swallowing the ice cream and licking her lips as looked at him with a grimace. "Ew, you're disgusting!" She said as she chuckled, wiping her lips with the back of her hand.
Bakugou chuckled as well as he licked his lips, swallowing the treat in his mouth. "More." He said as he opened his mouth, motioning to the ice cream.
Y/n rolled her eyes as she took another spoon, putting it in his mouth as she moved her hips a bit to make herself comfortable, shifting her feet as well. Bakugou's eyes widened as he blinked, grabbing her hips roughly. "Don't. Move." He said as she furrowed her brows, before feeling something poke her from underneath. Her eyes widened as well as she looked down, before looking at Bakugou again, who aggressively swallowed whatever was left, groaning as he put his head in the crook of her neck. "This is all your fault." He mumbled into her shoulder as she blushed hard.
She did NOT expect that at all. She just wanted to comfort him at 4 am without thinking about getting railed, but here we are.
"So what the fuck do I do now." She whispered as she blushed even deeper, staring at the wall in front of her. This wasn't uncomfortable or anything, but it was quite awkward. She might have been a virgin, but she knew stuff. And she knew boners don't leave on their own.
"Ugh. Fuck." Bakugou groaned as he dug his head deeper into her neck. He was embarrassed, yes, but the thing that annoyed him was how he already knew what he wanted her to do. He could picture the whole scenario in his head, making him even harder. He really just hated himself right then.
"Um. So. I guess we're stuck." She said as she felt an itch on her inner thigh. "Oh no." She whispered as her eyes fell. How was she gonna explain this one.
"What." Bakugou mumbled as his voice was muffled from her hoodie. It was pure agony. But, he'd rather this happen with her than anyone else.
"Um. My thigh itches. Like...bad." She said as she gripped onto his shirt from the mix of horniness and itches. It was almost getting painful, so before Bakugou could answer, she moved her hips back and forth a couple of times as she felt his member poke harder. A small smirk made its way to her lips as she heard Bakugou's low groans. She knew exactly what she was doing, and she felt like she was in charge.
"Stop. Ugh, stop moving." He managed to groan out as he squeezed her hips tighter, resulting in a  low moan from her. Both of their eyes widened as she blushed again, and Bakugou got even harder.
"Can. Can I just like. Ugh, it feels annoying saying it." She said as she put her head on top of his, wanting to disappear.
"Then. Ngh. Then just do it." He said as quickly as he could before she took a deep breath.
"Don't hate me in the morning." She whispered as she closed her eyes starting to slowly sway her hips back and forth. The thin biker shorts she was wearing were starting to get wet from her already soaked underwear, and he could feel it. Low groans escaped him as his breathing deepened. He never thought this would happen after a fucking panic attack, especially not in the middle of the night, but never say never I guess.
Only one thing was on Y/n's mind as she swayed a bit faster with every move. That was, how did I even get here? She never even wanted to lose her virginity in high school, and even though this technically wasn't it, she was sure this wasn't the only time it would happen. Whimpers left her slightly open mouth as she gripped her arms around his neck, the small sounds turning Bakugou even more as his brain just said 'fuck it'.
Bakugou swiftly turned the tables as Y/n was now kissing him, still in his lap, but pushed down a bit more. Her eyes widened slightly as she finally saw his red, sparkly eyes again. They were red from crying earlier and half-lidded, making him look even more attractive. He broke the kiss as his hand traveled up, behind her head, on the back of her neck as he hugged her again, stopping her movements.
She was confused. Was she doing anything wrong? Was he done? Is this what it's like? One way or another, she felt small kisses on her collar bone as her eyes were closed. Small bites and sucks were what Bakugou did to her collarbone, leaving tiny red hickeys. Once she realized what he was doing, she smiled as she pulled his head up. She smiled before kissing him as he stood up without warning, setting her on his bed next to him in a cuddling position. They were still facing each other as his hand was cupping her face as he looked her deep in the eye. "Go to sleep, my love." He mocked tiredly as he closed his eyes with a tiny grin, earning one from her.
"Fuck off." She mumbled as she rolled her eyes, placing her forehead on his. She hadnt expected any if this, but she was glad it happened. And, sure enough, she fell asleep. The funny thing is, Bakugou didn't have any other attacks that night.
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sunnykeysmash · 4 years
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S14's theme of Trust: How Global Warming reaffirms the Macden meta we already know
Or, a half reworked set of discussions from my Twitter about the underlying themes of FAITH/TRUST and CHANGE present in this season. Particularly between macden because I don't give a damn for the rest. Sidenote: my twitter thread about trust that takes up half of this post was actually written BEFORE GW came out, and despite that it got reinforced thanks to GW meta.
I apologize in advance if the reading isn't as fluid as it could be, it's hard to order the threads in a single cohesive explanation but I still tried my best. Plus, english isn't my first language.
This post contains speculation that links to my previous meta posts, tagged under "iasip meta". That's where I discuss the theme of change more in detail, not here. They're a little outdated in terms of episode prediction but the meta analysis in them holds up and was reinforced in GW.
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The bible = Trust/Faith
So, how does faith/trust get in the way of their relationship? Who has it, who doesn't?
Let's address it. This might be long but bear with me I guess. First we need to address what broke their trust.
North Dakota
(aka the element that broke the link of trust between macden for good, from which they are still trying to recover; and how we got there; their shift in dynamic because of it and how it's a vicious cycle that feeds itself until a breaking point, with no possibility for rational discussion. "How Mac will reject Dennis as a final test to restore their trust")
Part 1: how it affected Dennis
It is my understanding that dennis has been left profoundly scarred by how his decision to leave to north dakota went and he has been blaming the gang for failing to stop him from leaving, and especially blaming Mac. Which lead to the events in Chokes.
Where he felt frustrated at Mac for doing everything Dennis says and never going against him. He's constantly pushing him and being abrasive because he wishes for him to snap and act on his own volition.
Because aside from feeling like he can't trust anyone, and like no one in the gang cares for him, he most of all feels like he can't trust himself. He has been scarred by the consequences of his own actions, and doesn't know what else he might do that could have a similar effect.
Of course a person who can't really trust himself would feel paralyzed, they would not act or do anything. Which is why we are moving away from that, slowly. We need to have this progression in order for Dennis to Realize anything at all.
So Chokes as an episode is sort of a milestone, it runs really deep in multiple overarching events and developments. It's not just fixing macden's dynamic, it's beginning to fix a core problem that stops dennis from reaching macden and that has been prominent at least ever since Tends Bar.
It's something that has been going on in the background for a while, that is touched upon sometimes. Dennis desperately wants the gang to care about him.
So when he is surprised by the RPG on the day that for him is most emblematic of the gang not caring, I think it hit deeper than what we're assuming. His feelings were challenged.
DDL is a result of many things. On the surface it's him wanting to be a dad for his child the way Frank never could for him. I think it was also a test though. If they truly cared, they would stop him. They wouldn't want him to go away.
Now. They don't. That stings. Then things possibly go south in North Dakota. That also stings. It's easy to mentally connect the two and realize the hurt he's experiencing. "If they had stopped me, none of this would've happened" I assume is the correlation he made mentally.
So then he probably thought about Mac, and the gesture he made. He thought that meant something, but then him, like the rest of the gang, did nothing. So he's even more angry at him. "For a moment I really thought he cared, why wouldn't he do something?" Betrayal.
So that to me explains why he's been acting like shit towards Mac. And he's been slowly trying to work through his feelings on the matter, as S13 sorta showed initially, with him not wanting to address it at all for a while, and when he tried again no one cared. He's been trying.
I wonder if it's a possibility that, as we reach the resolution to this circumstance, he will try to bring it up again. I wouldn't count on it necessarily, but character wise it would simply make sense. If he's getting over the problem, he's leaving ND behind. He should, I mean.
Part 2: how it affected Mac
But this isn't just a circumstance that hinders Dennis, it has deeply afflicted Mac too, in a way that is just as personal. "No matter what I do for a person, they can still choose to leave me", it is no wonder to see that side of him exacerbated, then.
Before ND, Mac trusted Dennis' words, enough to let him leave if he said he wanted to, even if it hurt. Before ND, Dennis trusted that Mac would always "be there to catch him if he faltered", that he cared, especially after the RPG moment.
These were true. They could always count on each other, trust each other. ND changed everything, and altered their dynamic in a way that we are still feeling, and still trying to remedy. That Mac and Den especially are still desperately trying to remedy.
They /want/ to go back to their codependent dynamic, they /need/ to. But the way they are desperately trying to is only making things worse and worse, and it's a terrible cycle.
[ The more Dennis rejects Mac in hope that Mac will finally go against him, the more Mac is desperately trying to appease Dennis so that he won't leave him, the more Dennis is annoyed and dissatisfied of Mac's submissive behavior and becomes more abrasive in return. ]
Which is why I think discussing that event is a necessity in order for macden to even happen at all. They theoretically need a face to face conversation to resolve these core insecurities that are getting in the way of their friendship (and possibly more).
It doesn't have to be a romantic thing either, it is just necessary for this conflict to be addressed in order for their dynamic to go back to normal. But that can't happen without a breaking point. We know them enough to assume that they're not gonna just discuss it rationally. It would be the correct way to handle the situation, but they're not like that.
Whether everything resolves positively (as in, their dynamic finally shifting back to before ND) depends on how much they want to stay together and what they are willing to sacrifice or compromise for it. Whether certain grievances can be stronger than their bond itself (and I'm pretty sure they can't, or mac and den would've parted already, long ago).
Mac's internal conflict is likely what will make it so that we have to wait a year. If it just isn't resolved, then he would want proof that Dennis isn't /just saying/ stuff. Den might assure him that he isn't but is that enough for Mac?
How do you resolve a conflict that is basically just a huge almost debilitating fear of abandonment and mistrust of the other person's words? In what way can you possibly prove it wrong?
We know Mac loves Dennis, of course he does. But does he trust Dennis? The way he has been behaving towards him tells me otherwise. He doesn't stand up to him.
Not only that but, more specifically, he's always "interpreting" everything Dennis says, you can see it in Texts for example. He knows den never means what he says, and always has an ulterior motive or hidden meaning. He doesn't take den's rejections at heart too much because he knows they're fake.
So now imagine Dennis has a change of heart. Now he goes to Mac, and he tells him Exactly How He Truly Feels. Knowing the way Mac is used to interpreting Dennis, I don't think he'd believe him. He'd want to, but he probably couldn't.
And I don't think Mac even realizes this lack of trust at all. I think it's gonna hit him exactly as it's happening. He might feel happy at first, then be confused at his sense of uneasiness like he's been used and lied to, like Dennis is saying it to manipulate him.
But that's just for words. Physically speaking, I think Mac is very much aware that Dennis has no intention of ever leaving again, nor can he really. That's how it seemed to be in tggr at least.
The abandonment Mac is afraid of is purely emotional at this point with Dennis. It doesn't need to be a "what if he moves out". More of a "what if he doesn't like me anymore and is using me".
So anyway, about the cycle I mentioned earlier.
This feels like a build up. They can't go on like this forever, they will reach a breaking point. I don't expect them to have an honest and open and calm confrontation and solve their differences before a huge snap of both of them happens, I expect the snap.
You know, either Dennis gets too abrasive and Mac finally "snaps out of him", or Mac gets too submissive and Dennis grows tired of him.
However thanks to Chokes and now Global Warming, we can safely predict it'll be the first one. Chokes set us on a path of Mac making his own decisions, which thanks to GW we know will backfire.
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They'll fight, Dennis will be overwhelmed by it as Mac ""leaves"", more on that later, first let me finish my discussion on trust.
I find it suspicious how all the episodes with a semblance of resolution that we have had so far only seemed to fix Dennis' conflicts with Macden. We have failed to address Mac's lack of trust in Dennis' words, even in Texts I think. Especially in Texts.
In Texts it wasn't communication that solved the problem, it was an act, a stare. And we only ever heard Dennis' side of it. Mac at this point already believes that Dennis likes him, so there was nothing new for him to discover at the end.
If anything, it reinforced his belief that Dennis says the opposite of what he thinks, that he isn't honest. Because despite how he's been acting all day, he still saw affection in his eyes, I assume.
But Mac has already always paid attention to what Dennis "really meant", I mean, he does it throughout Texts, thought in the wrong way because it was still through text (miscommunication) and he didn't like to consider the alternative.
I put "really meant" in quotations because Dennis doesn't really work like that. Sure a lot of times Dennis doesn't say what he really means so of course Mac would start interpreting him like that, but there are still many times when he's actually honest. This is just Mac's black and white way of seeing den.
Anyway.
As a result of not feeling heard, Dennis actually developed a heavier and more frequent use of sarcasm. Because if people won't do what he says, then maybe if he says the opposite they'll listen to him. It's a reflex born out of frustration.
Back to the "trust" thing now, because see, all this time Dennis has been acting under the underlying assumption that Mac will choose Him every time. Mac doesn't have this assumption, he has been acting to Prevent Dennis from NOT choosing him.
It's gonna be really interesting, if this turns out to be correct, to see the tables be turned and find out that Dennis was the one with faith. We are used to see Mac believe have it, in god and in their relationship, but ultimately it's Dennis that is trusting Mac to make the right decisions. Which includes choosing Dennis every time.
That's a bigass trust to have for someone who says they have no faith. In contrast to that, what faith has Mac put in Dennis? None that I can think of, he actively does stuff that will please dennis, so far.
"leaving"/"rejecting" Dennis in the finale would constitute, again, Mac's faith in Dennis. He would be choosing something that goes right against everything Dennis wants, having faith that this won't mean they grow apart, and maybe even trusting that it's what Dennis actually needs. And it's what Mac would need as well, as proof that Dennis is serious. Because if he doesn't change his mind, then he is. And you can finally see how the whole season has been constructed as a way to move away from the ND conflict in order to fix their dynamic and broken trust in order to make macdennis work.
This calls back to my meta reading for the first half of the season. Again. This is old stuff. But still accurate.
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Some snippets.
I now have a more detailed speculation on how Jumper will go which is no longer the one I had in that meta post, but I will spare you the useless talk and get back to my point. Maybe save that for another post. All I need to say here is that Dennis will be adamant that the answer is SHOULD WE: NO, Mac will want to prove him wrong but Dennis will be proven right, subsequently starting the path for Mac's change of outlook. And what will make him say "no"(t yet) even once Dennis believes they should. Boom, karma.
ANYWAY.
Dennis knows he can depend on Mac or at least he's learning so, Mac isn't sure if he can do the same.
As the two bicker over who had trust in who, and who broke the other's trust, it'll come to the surface, through text, that the roles have shifted. Dennis was trusting Mac all along, Mac wasn't.
Which is why Mac deciding for himself, deciding something that goes against Dennis, saying "no", is the biggest leap of faith Mac can take, the thing that would show us that yes, finally, Mac believes Dennis will still choose him.
TGGR's final part of macden's plot itself shows us Mac accepting Dennis' cynical point of view and losing faith. "I guess we're not gonna get that romantic comedy ending after all". But that is not the note the episode ends with.
Right as Mac accepts that it's not happening, we see Charlie and Frank's ending part of their plot. They're reaching back, they have a new realization. Nikki says that they feel the same way, but they still say no for the time being.
How does this all link to Global Warming, finally?
The Global Warming meta
The jump, the realization, the acceptance, in all the meta I have analyzed in the episodes, it all comes AFTER the explosion, the rejection. First things explode and Mac "leaves", THEN Dennis is overwhelmed and changes his mind, reevaluates. Think of the Nikki&Alexi and Charlie&Frank plot as a frame of reference for this. Think of Chokes also, first Mac says "No", then Dennis is satisfied.
NOW, Global Warming macdennis meta, at its most basic, goes as follows:
Dennis thought what he liked was the sexy girls dancing, then they revolted against him and literally overpowered him, and in the aftermath he has a new outlook on the japanese guys that he once disliked. At the same time as this happens, Mac isn't there to help him.
At the same time, we always see Dennis trying to rationalize his way out of conflicts, and it never working, not with Mac, not with the people in the bar.
Basically, we reach a breaking point in the conflict, and Dennis is overwhelmed by it, Mac doesn't help him in GW, he "leaves", I imagine this symbolizing that Mac finally agreeing with Dennis in the actual final conflict would feel to Den like Mac is "giving up on them". Dennis took Mac choosing him for granted, and he now learns how much trust he had in Mac despite saying otherwise (Chokes) and how much it meant to him. Dennis comes out of it changed.
They both do.
This, as I posted about previously, is all part of "God's plan". Dennis gave Mac back his "free will" in Chokes so that Mac's harsh final decisions could ultimately aid their relationship and trust.
We need Mac to turn Dennis down for the time being AND for Dennis to not change his mind during the wait, for the trust to be restored for both of them. To remedy North Dakota once and for all, and move into the macdennis territory. In a year, aka next season.
So finally, we can see how TGGR, Chokes, Texts and now GW all work together as milestones that set us in that direction.
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ouraidengray4 · 6 years
Text
Marriage Counseling Made My Relationship Worse (but We're Working on It)
When I married my husband, I expected challenges, and as a psych major, I even anticipated some of them. But six months into our marriage, my husband and I were considering divorce, and it just didn't seem normal. We decided to take what seemed like the only reasonable next step: marriage counseling. Little did we know that rather than saving our marriage, counseling would nearly end it. Of course, our experience is unique to us, and not reflective of counseling as a whole. But let’s start the story at the beginning—all the way back to eighth grade.
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That’s when I first fell in love with the boy who would eventually become my husband. He had the cutest face (and dimples!), but what drew me to him most was a melancholy expression he always wore. In hindsight, this sadness was indicative of the struggles we would have to overcome, but at the time, I just felt it meant that he needed me, and oh, how I wanted to be needed.
My first love only lasted a month. We both moved on with our young lives, but reconnected when we were in college; I was determined to avoid any interaction with him, but he persistently asked if I would video chat with him. One day, I was bored at my dad’s house, and he convinced me to Skype with him. Somehow during that conversation, he charmed my phone number out of me. He wasn’t a sad, silent little middle schooler anymore, either. He was more direct, less reserved, and at least ten times as fine. At first, I was shocked by just how clearly he expressed he wanted to be with me.
I wasn’t prepared for this change to be significant enough to make me fall in love with him, but it was. Within a few months, we were inseparable. We would video chat for 14 hours straight, go to sleep together on video chat, wake up, and continue the conversation the next day.
By the time I graduated, he was serving in the armed forces, and we knew that what we had was more than just puppy love. Less than a month later, I walked across the stage to receive my diploma, we got engaged, and quickly decided to elope. It was romantic and exciting, but most of all, it was terrifying.
We went to marriage counselor No. 1
Several fights and threats of annulment later, we made the decision to attend counseling at our local church. But when we told the marriage counselor about our situation, she concluded that the issue straining our marriage was us sharing living space with relatives and not having a place of our own. Her recommendation: We should stay at the local homeless shelter in order to have our own space. This advice did not exactly sound helpful to us.
So we tried out counselor No. 2
So we found a new counselor, which was great until he informed us that we were beyond his skill level. Being told by a marriage counselor—a chaplain, at that—that your marriage appears to be unsalvageable felt like a slap in the face. I began to lose all hope that things would ever get better, even as we made the decision to see the next counselor.
Then we tried No. 3
The third counselor on our list was pretty nice, and he tried his best to give us equal time to express our concerns. But unfortunately, the style of every counselor isn’t a fit for every couple. Following his advice communication style ended up causing extra conflict for us. At the time, our biggest issue was which room would be the baby’s nursery; I was five months pregnant and furious that I wasn’t getting my desired room for our kid. We fought a lot, so much that I packed my car with all of my belongings and was fully prepared to make the 12-hour drive home back to my hometown.
My husband and I are both stubborn people, and it’s hard for either of us to admit defeat. One of the goals we set in counseling was to work on communicating our frustrations to each other in a non-antagonizing way. However, I found that for us, addressing issues in counseling could reopen wounds that we’d already healed.
Since sessions were often one or even two weeks apart, bringing up topics we’d already resolved was really frustrating. We’d arrive at counseling feeling like we’d made progress toward communicating differences and leave angry and resentful. Our counselor did not believe in letting us agree to disagree, so after our sessions, we’d both be upset for a few days.
And finally, the disastrous No. 4
In the beginning, the sessions with this counselor felt great to me. Finally, I thought, I’d found someone who understood my struggles. But it soon became clear that she sided an uncomfortable amount of the time with me. While that felt great at first, I didn't yet understand that my temporary joy was coming at the expense of my husband’s victimization. After our first counseling session with her, my husband was so affected that he went to bed without dinner. Session after session, I watched as she actively antagonized him, telling him he would soon lose his wife, and that he reminded her of her ex-husband. Clearly, she was overidentifying with me and losing her professionalism.
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Sadly, it took four sessions with her and a large conflict between this counselor and my husband before I admitted that it was time for us to stop seeing her. In our last meeting, I met her alone to end the relationship and finally stood up for my husband.
And at that moment, after five counselors, I decided that maybe counseling just wasn't for us.
So we went on our own way.
Instead of talking to more professionals, we decided to talk to each other. I began to notice the love in his intentional actions… like the very fact that despite having a negative history with therapists of any kind, my husband went to four different counselors with me. I tried to pick up more on little things, like when he brings me my favorite chocolate bar without my asking, and big things, like still being willing to give me a hug 10 minutes after a huge fight. He tries his best to love me the way I want to be loved, even when it's not easy for him—and that means the world to me.
That first year left an imprint, but I’m aiming to change it through positive intentions. I learned to seek change in myself before seeking it in him. Previously, my anxiety would cause me to spend hours wondering if the counselors were right about our incompatibility. Those moments made me pull away more, which made it more difficult for us to connect. But now, I’ve learned to stop thinking so far ahead. Instead of letting a bad day allow me to panic and contemplate divorce, I do my best to see each day a just that: one day. We still have our ups and downs, but I’ve learned to see each “tomorrow” as a reset button, and seeing him try so hard motivates me to give it all I have.
Our relationship is far from perfect, but I know it’s better than it was, and that’s because we learned to better consider each other feelings. I’ve noticed that he tries hard to check in before making decisions and gives me ample notice of plans with friends. We’re trying to prioritize spending time together; we’re not always successful, but the intention matters. Surprisingly, a lot of the improvement came from realizing he can’t be everything to me. He doesn’t have to be my best friend; I have friends for that. I’ve invested more time in doing things I enjoy, and that means less time to be critical of us.
Counseling just wasn’t for us; whether it was because the counselors we saw were especially bad, or that counseling wouldn’t work for us generally, I don’t know. But we found that we were treated with cookie-cutter routines for cookie-cutter marriages, and that didn’t work for our unique relationship, which has its own set of struggles. In the end, we've learned that no one knows us (and how to work on our relationship) better than we do and that just because things are hard doesn't mean they’ll always be that way.
A. Rochaun Meadows-Fernandez is a diversity content specialist who produces materials relating to mental and physical health, sociology, and parenting. Her work can be seen on several national platforms. Check her out on Facebook and Twitter. from Greatist RSS http://ift.tt/2hGnnOj Marriage Counseling Made My Relationship Worse (but We're Working on It) Greatist RSS from HEALTH BUZZ http://ift.tt/2iEjsm7
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