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beesmygod · 1 year

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HI EVERYONE: TODAY'S PAGE IS LATE.

im calling my shot too early, but i've spent the last 2 days getting my ass beat by lupus symptoms. im feeling so much better. the page is coming.

BUT in the meanwhile: i wrote this long post about why i left Hiveworks

ill put it under a readmore here on tumblr in its entirety:

intro: dont get your hopes up

look, i’m going to be straight up with you: there’s no messy drama or fallout that caused this. no juicy deets or salacious rumors to slurp down. you know if this were the case, i would have erupted across my various social medias in a frenzied rage with all the delicacy of a bull in a china shop partly for entertainment purposes. instead, this will probably be a boring at best navel gaze where i try to walk the line between pragmatically trying to explain why i left and moral grandstanding. because leaving abruptly looks weird externally, i do actually have to explain why instead of just mysteriously leaving during a period of time where i am being an obnoxious asshole. a combination of disdain for the current cultural zeitgeist and a growing culture of disrespect toward audiences has culminated in my online behavior devolving into the online version of grabbing people saying stupid shit on the street and shaking them very hard. this is something an insane person would do. i know.

the commodification and increasingly blatant commercialization of an art format that could once arguably be compared to other amateur transgressive arts (ex: underground comix, tijuana bibles) is borderline heartbreaking. not to be too dramatic, but i want to start smashing things like im a monster from the rampage arcade game to scare the NIMBYs away before they start building escape rooms where the fetish web comics used to be. there is no place unspoiled by the poison of advertising and sponsorships. except…

youtube

trying to make money in comics is a fool’s errand. go make furry porn commissions if you want to make money doing art! you’re completely out of your mind if you go into the arts to make money. full on detachment from reality if you choose comics. they should commit you if you choose web comics.

at hive:

i think people have a wildly different perception regarding the popularity of A Ghost Story so i have approximate data to give people an idea. having culled the SHIT out of my analytics results to remove bot traffic, i think i have relatively accurate results, i get about 1000 unique visitors a month (generously rounding up lol), about half of them are regulars, and 10% of them donate to patreon (this is, imo, an unfathomably large amount lol. shocking and humbling. thank you for your continued support of me in spite of [gestures]). i feel like a small comic 99% of the time, but man. 1,000 is a big number. i can at least reasonably assume, i’m PRETTY sure, that i was a comparatively small comic in hiveworks.

my monthly payout was roughly $100 a month (and merch sales, if applicable) and their services included web site help, dealing with any merch sales, and site hosting in exchange for running banner ads (which have been a fixture on web comics since the conception of google’s ad program; remember the homestuck bidding wars??). banner ads felt like a small and reasonable compromise to be included in something that felt like a weird pipe dream. in certain circles, a hiveworks invitation was a stamp of quality with prestige; i was very aware of the company i was invited into keep and was initially pretty concerned with how my presence reflected onto them and their work. i was going through some serious brain problems due to a deeply stupid relationship and, as a result, i did my best to keep my head down, stay out of people’s way, and focus on not bringing undue shame to something i was well aware i was completely unsuited for. i had (and frankly, still have) no idea why i was chosen as i had not applied. i cannot stress enough that i was under no delusions as to the quality of my comic lol. my perception was that someone had stuck their neck out to make a special exception for me and i was constantly on the verge of fucking it up and humiliating them.

it was a very off-balance exchange extremely in my favor, and i was aware of this. especially since, being frank and honest here, i was bringing absolutely nothing to the table for them. i don’t want to put words in anyone’s mouth, but its a reasonable conclusion that i was more trouble than i was worth, given the infinitesimal worth.

the vast majority of hiveworks readers completely bounced off my comic, which makes perfect sense given the hiveworks audience is i think more interested in the genre they primarily host: fantasy and magical realism. in comparison, “a ghost story” is a slow, slooow burn about federal bureaucracy and being insane with extremely amateur art; i know what i am! and that’s fine! but i became a little resentful (and i tried not to! honest!) after 7 years of perpetually being put on a back burner. it felt like i was being strung along for reasons beyond my comprehension or as the baseline of acceptable awfulness for the website’s quality. someone has to be the “worst”, objectively. it’s not a great feeling to know it, coming to terms with it i think was much healthier than trying to fight it. it was a really good driving force to keep my mind off the nightmare of my life at that point and improve my art a lot.

AGS’ irrelevance was underscored by it being mentioned once over the course of 7 years on official social media networks, upon which a great deal of importance was placed. but frankly, there is nothing worse than dealing with the guy who sucks whining for the spotlight as though they are clueless as to why they are getting the shaft. so i simply achieved enlightenment by getting over it and realizing where i was in the hierarchy and how lucky i was to have so much shit done for me. i was (am, unbelievably. it never gets less wild when i sit down and really think about it) making enough through patreon that the $100 became my monthly fun money while i lived in oregon. it was welcome, but not essential.

a lot of real life, awful things happened that suck and couldn’t be avoided: one of the main points of communication and organization became terribly ill, COVID happened and obliterated shipping and manufacturing rates for apparently all eternity, uhhh the fabric of reality began to unravel lol. it’s been a terrible couple of years. i want to underscore this stuff so that people understand i was not wronged greatly in the grand scheme of things.

there are things that started to chip away at me over time, which made me question if i was a good fit at all. genuinely: the only thing i want to do is to try to live happily within my morals doing what i love to do. even and especially if it means living very broke. that’s the exchange i’m consciously choosing to make when i pick up the pen every day. due to the generosity of the people who support me or have supported me at any time (special shout out to adam, who puts up with this shit for some reason), i am able to do that. i contribute a proportional amount to the household now but tried to be (was??) 50/50 or 25/25/25/25 when i had roommates. i don’t want my one unyielding selfish choice to be anyone else’s burden.

i was told by another artist in hiveworks that my confrontational behavior could be a poor reflection on the brand, which became the tipping point in my choice to leave. to be clear, no one in charge told me this, but even conceptually i was not comfortable representing a company that i felt i was a member of out of obligation or inertia. i didn’t belong there and my presence was an active detriment instead of a tolerated nuisance.

anyway:

when the offer to leave was presented, i didn’t feel regret, or anxiety, or upset at all. i felt a placid sense of relief. i COULD leave. that’s TRUE. i had been kicking it around on my private twitter for a few months going back and forth with myself over what was more important to me: being able to take care of myself financially or doing something about my own hypocrisy that kept me up at night. if my incessant argument is that advertising based commercialization is a societal poison, then i need to put my money where my mouth is. and if i’m consistently annoying, i need to leave as a courtesy to everyone else.

i don’t regret my time with hive at all, but the overarching transformation from a collection of cartoonists to a brand is not where i want to take my art. i can’t bring myself to work even within the proximity of seven seas, a deeply abhorrent company. i am completely disinterested in wasting time or energy worrying about “the algorithm” because i don’t make comics for the computer’s sake and recognize that there’s a finite number of people interested in web comics in the world and an even more finite amount of money to spend on luxuries (because none of us have any money lol). i don’t want to repeat the familiar cycle of lamenting the death of art as we know it every 6 months.

people who are choosing to spend their limited funds supporting me are making a deliberate choice to elevate my presence in their life. i want and need to keep this in mind at all times, because it drives my attitudes toward what i want to choose to focus on. i want to keep my art (“art”) free with additional goodies being as reasonably priced as possible in the hopes that in this way we scratch each other’s back. making money drawing comics is a ridiculous privilege granted to me by people willing to sacrifice their time and money to me; i need to be thinking more about all that i have instead of worrying about what i don’t.

#hiveworks #webcomics #webcomic #web comics #a ghost story #ags #Youtube

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ertrunkenerwassergeist · 6 months

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I remember you mentioning somewhere that at least once the Crystal/Eos skipped all legitimate heirs and picked some bastard kid that was hidden by the previous king and the rest of LCs didn't even know existed.

Any chance you will elaborate on that? Or at least confirm how long did it take Lucis to find their new king and inform them of their new "job"?

Yes, I did!

*rummages through notes of Lucian Kings*

Common believe among the people of Lucis and the Lucis Caelums is that the Crystal names the new Kings. Which is only partly true. Most of the time it's actually Bahamut who names the Kings using the Crystal's voice.

(It's implied in game that Bahamut hasn't been seen for quite some time, and I like that idea. Bahamut is acting like he's preparing an ambush, and so has hidden himself.)

But. Sometimes the Crystal Eos really does name a King. It's just that it she has rarely the power to cast off Bahamut's shackles long enough to do so.

That is exactly what happened when the bastard child got named King.

Said child's name was Lucius, son of Lucius, later known as one of the Light Kings. (A period in time spanning six generations where the Kings were either named Lucius, Lucianus or Lucia.)

The second of the Light Kings was Lucius The Preserver. He was heaviliy involved in the religious and cultural reformations that caused several rifts among the people at the time. He was also known as the Intolerant among his critics, and prone to prosecute anyone who didn't agree with his reforms.

The third Light King was Lucius The Late. Titled as such because for a few years after his nomination no one could find him. He's the basatard child in question.

The Crystal Eos nominated him because it she could not tolerate yet another King like The Preserver, who was slowly destroying everything in the name of Bahamut.

It took the Amicitias nearly three years to find Lucius The Late. And even then it was a chance encounter. (Or maybe devine intervention, but sshhhhh)

Those three years are known as the Years of the Empty Throne. Or as the Blood Wars. Because The Preserver's other two children were Not Happy about any of this.

Did The Preserver know he had an illegitimate child? Probably not. Because he would have most likely killed him. He was that kind of a 'nice' person.

Lucius The Late was also very much Not Happy about any of this once he found out he was the missing King of Lucis. The Amicitia who found him carried him into the throne room like a sack of potatoes and dumped him on the throne with the words "Do your fucking job."

#ask #raven-6-10 #ffxv #the kings of lucis #deep city #since this idea spawned as part of that story #the light kings #lucius the preserver #lucius the later #he's the 80th king of lucis #his own kid was named lucianus #and he was titled the witcher #I'm just rambling now #geist answers

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sylleblosscm · 1 year

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@galahdborn:

❣️ + Luna/Nyx :3c

---

Important Survey [accepting]

Who is the little spoon? In this cruel world, it is snuggle or be snuggled. Though I wouldn't say "spooning" is the right term for their situation so much as "Luna makes herself comfortable, and there they stay". Like so.

Who sings in the shower? Luna, often forgetting that motels have thin walls. Enjoy the show while you can, Nyx.

Who plays pranks on the other? I wouldn't say they play a lot of pranks, so much as Nyx is just a very mischievous person, and brings out Luna's inner gremlin.

Who is the one who listens to pop music? To be honest, I think Luna has had a lot of fun with the radios in their various stolen vehicles. Some people would search for gil or weapons - Luna pries through their music collection.

Who brings the other a random cup of joe? Nyx makes the food and Luna makes the drinks. It's a balanced partnership. She likes to try different teas that they find.

Who picks the cheesy movies for date night? I could see them channel-surfing and landing on whatever seems the least boring, since goodness knows they're going to chat through the whole thing anyway. Between them, these two do Not have the focus for an entire movie.

Who is more likely to feed the other in public? Once while they were on the road, they had to go undercover as a couple for Reasons. Nyx played it up a great deal, just because it's fun to watch Luna squirm.

Who gives the other random little compliments? Nyx probably gives more by sheer volume, but Luna is the most direct. Once she gets over her hangups, ofc.

Who is always stealing food from the other’s plate? Nyx does it then dares her to take it back so she will come closer and he can steal a kiss. It's very smooth and all, but after a while, it might just be easier if they share a plate.

Who is more likely to let the other borrow their car? Nyx drives, period. Unless they need to make a quick getaway, because Luna drives like the laws of physics don't apply to her.

Who makes the list before they go grocery shopping? Nyx makes the list, partly because he knows better what they'll need, and partly because he knows Luna will inevitably get distracted looking at interesting things she's found. ("Nyx, look! It's candy but it's shaped like little chocobos! Isn't that novel?") (He always leaves room in the budget for her because she's too cute to say no to.)

Who makes sure the other takes their meds when sick? Oh, they're both stubborn when they're sick, but at least Luna will allow her injuries to be tended before charging back into battle. They could fund their entire journey if Luna had a gil for every time Nyx pretended to be fine, it's just a scratch Luna, don't worry about it - and she had to calmly explain that one does not build an immunity to gunfire or stab wounds.

Who watches sports and has to teach the other the rules? Luna has no idea what's going on, no matter how many times Nyx explains it, but she's glad he seems so excited. Conversely, she's dragged him along to a few live Tenebraean sporting events, but they're all hopelessly complex and look more like performances than athletics anyway.

Who pulls the other to their feet for a dance in the living room? They're both the type to do this. Once, Nyx pretended he didn't know how to dance just so Luna would "teach" him and he'd get to hold her and also mess with her at the same time, the sly dog.

Who has to keep reminding the other to hurry or they’ll be late? I wouldn't say either of them are inclined to be regularly tardy. But if they don't want to be there, they will complain to each other the entire event and talk so much shit.

Who is the one most likely to get a tattoo with the other’s name? Ok this is actually an interesting one - because of royal protocol and public image and whatnot, I don't see Luna as the type to get inked in any way, shape or form usually. However, those small tattoos are an important part of Galahdian culture, presumably marking something about the person or their life events. So I could imagine her getting something as part of a major event in their lives as per tradition, as a way of embracing his culture. Nyx, obviously, has no qualms with cultural tattoos, and there's probably something traditional for commitment, so. It's all very sweet, they're doing their best trying to bring their worlds together.

#( listen these two are actually after my heart okay )#answered;#galahdborn #⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡˚☽˚｡⋆ where i stand is where i fall / headcanons

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arsonist-chicken · 2 years

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I am giving you questions and you may be giving me answers: 2, 5, 20, 49, 51, 79,

2. What kind of emotions do the stars evoke for you, if any? The ocean, the sky, the moon?

The stars!! The sea!! The sky!! The moon!! So pretty!! Not that I see the sea more than every few years but still. I mean look at that sky!

Emotions? It depends I guess. It can be absolutely wonderful to sit by a sunset or under the stars with friends and talk about anything and everything. It can be really peaceful to hang up the laundry late at night outside and look up and see stars forever and ever. It can also feel incredibly lonely to look out the window and see stars or a sunset and hear your neighbors have friends over and wishing so badly you were with friends right now too. If you're already sad or upset, it can become especially bad to look up at the sky at night all by yourself and be reminded of every bad decision you ever made and wish you could just quit everything and run away, or turn back time.

5. Do you see your parents in your appearance or behaviour? Are they favourable traits?

Laura coming for my throat here, okay. My parents made me help them build a shelf today and once again I was reminded that I inherited my father's impatience and how much I hate that in myself (but at least I only direct that inwards instead of yelling lol), as well as my mother's tendency to cry easily which I hate even more, especially when it's because I'm angry or otherwise upset but not sad. Appearance-wise, there's pretty much nothing, I think the last person who had blonde hair too was my great-grandmother or so? Oh yeah, the tendency to weigh a little more than average, pretty much all women in our families have that.

20. Do you think about your past or future more?

I spend an awful lot of time regretting things I did or said even if they're pretty long ago. I do wonder a lot what my life would look like if I'd made better choices and planned ahead more. I also wonder a lot about what my future will look like and honestly, that's terryfying, and only partly because I absolutely cannot imagine it. Daydreaming about it is nice, but actually thinking about it, especially right now shortly before going back to uni now that finally all my friends are done and moving on with their lives here at home? No thanks.

49. If you have a nickname, where did it come from? Did you choose it, did someone else, did it naturally form?

I mean.. I generally use Jess online as a short form of my full name, just because it's shorter and I don't like my name too much, and Jessi is only allowed for friends who've been using that forever. There's also Regenwurm which I do Not like but oh well. Don't ask me how that started, I don't remember either. Definitely someone else chose that though.

51. What can make you dislike someone very quickly?

Just like... being disrespectful to others and their rights in general. If you're rude to retail staff or listen to music loudly in public, I'll probably not like you right away; if you make stupid jokes about "haha you're angry are you on your period" or are against the right to abortion, I will want to punch you. Also a petty reason but if I don't know you yet and you start a conversation by talking about your exercise and food intake plans, I'll not want to keep getting to know you probably, yeah.

79. What stupid thing are you really insecure about?

Uuh.. does my weight in photos count as a stupid thing? I can usually forget about it by now in everyday life, but when I see pictures of myself, I'm always right back at "I should lose weight". Maybe just the way I look in pictures in general, but I know that's because of your face being mirrored or not in photos and that making your brain irriated. Or something. Also my time-management/planning realistically and then following through skills. Or the lack of it.

#sometimes i try to think about my future and it's like #----- head empty nothing found but a black empty void #not so fun fun fact: one of the major points of conflict between my oldest friend and me is her always voting green and then #turning around and saying stuff about refugees that should be said by someone who votes for the övp or fpö #and i'll listen to my friends' food and exercise discussions but only because they're already my friends and i can zone out when #it gets too much #yesterday this woman from my club i already don't like said she'll have a piece of my cake but then she has to go on the treadmill #for 2h because she's 'a fitness freak now haha' and i had to hold back SO HARD from rolling my eyes in her face #do those count as stupid things?#those were.. questions to think about for sure #chaoslaura #ask game #abortion mention

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vegancas · 2 years

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i am actually so excited about getting my first t injection done tomorrow!! no more rubbing cold gel on myself everyday!!! but also hopefully i'll actually start to see some changes happening faster, coz my levels barely went up after doubling my dose of the gel

i wasn't planning to say much when i started this post but now i am thinking.....

i've been on t 7 months now (like almost to the day), and i honestly can't believe it's been that long because barely anything has happened. I've got like the tiniest bit more body hair (and what's on my chest is probably at least partly a result of having top surgery), my voice is still the same, i haven't built any muscle, my bottom growth has like plateaued. i want stuff to happen!!!

the big thing i wanted when i first started t was for my voice to drop, and maybe it's just because i had 2 months off work when i never really talked to anyone that much, but i don't care as much about that anymore

i always wanted the bottom growth and still do, that motivation has still remained at least

but the desire for muscle mass and body hair has kinda grown, like before i kinda accepted those things as just necessary parts of the transition, but now like i want my body to be more masc. not like i wanna be super muscly or anything but it'd be nice to have some muscle lol

i am soooooo desperate for my period to stop too. like it's definitely got a bit lighter since starting t but i want it gone!! especially coz i don't want to have a hysterectomy anytime super soon. it's definitely something i want done in the future but i need so much more time just being in my body again before having another surgery

i will say i do think being on t has helped my iron levels though. i don't feel as tired as i always used to (even when supplementing) and i don't even feel like i need to eat as much?? I've been fine on two meals a day a lot lately (plus snacks of course), i wish i was eating more though, maybe i could actually put on some weight if i did, but eating is so annoying lol

emotionally i feel like nothing's really changed, i'm not any angrier (although i do think the idea of going on t making you angrier is kinda bs?), i can still cry pretty easy. i might be happier but that's probably due to a lot of things lol

anyway, tomorrow! tomorrow!!!!

#2022

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declanowo · 7 months

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31 Days of Horror - Day 2

Day 2 - Driller Killer 02/10/23

Day two! I didn’t get up to too much today, tomorrow will probably be the same, but it’s a nice routine! I say I didn’t get up to much, but that’s downplaying what I have been up to, which is both stressful and fun! Can’t wait until my book is out! In fact, today was pretty tricky as I worked through some stuff for that, so watching a film in the evening was a nice way to chill :)

I roll my films in the mornings to see what I will be watching, partly because I’m so excited, but partly because I want to make sure I don’t start a three hour movie at midnight when I want to sleep soon. Anyway - the film!

Today I landed on Driller Killer, released in 1979, and directed by Abel Ferrerra. The similarities between this and yesterday's film Night of the Howling Beast are fun! This is another low-budget movie released in the 70s, another video nasty, and another movie where the protagonist is played by a crew member, this time being the director. Some weird similarities, considering I only have a handful of films on my watchlist in the first two categories.

I have wanted to watch this film for a while - when I think of it, two memories pop into my mind! The first is of my favourite YouTube channel, Dead Meat. There’s a video where the main host, James, simply goes through all his dvds and blurays, and he mentions how he would love to discuss this film in depth. Secondly, I remember towards the beginning of this year, my sisters boyfriend was discussing how he had a box full of video nasties, and how he would buy them under the counter of shops. He offered them to me, but he was very drunk so I never got them, but one thing that stood out was his mention of this film - I can’t remember any of the others he said - but never had I heard mention of such an obscure film from a person I knew.

Anyway, the movie itself! I wanna structure this discussion differently, looking into different strands of the movie, in a less linear structure! I guess I should also say I would recommend any movie I discuss, it’s important to form your own opinion :) This is just a fun writing exercise for me hehe.

The opening title of this film is so exciting - “This film should be played loud” like wow <3 It really encapsulates a lot of themes within this movie, and I think the sound in the film is very fun! At least, the diegetic sound is amazing! From the titular drill, to the band living near our protagonist Reno, sound is key to creating a dark atmosphere. Similarly, the non-diegetic sound does work too - although for me this wasn’t as constant of an effect. Sequences such as the one where Reno murders someone at a bus stop has a rock band on the score, intercutting the attack, and presumably his every thought. It feels busy and gritty, which really worked for me. Even the moments without a score worked well, the glimpses of silence as the protagonist falls into fits of rage, the bouts of shouting feel like they’re directed at you.

Although I did not live through the late 70s - not even close - the film certainly paints a raw image of New York during this time period. Once again, the gritty appearance of the film works so well with this backdrop of poverty, crime and pessimism. We follow Reno and his two roommates as they struggle to make enough money for rent, and to me, it works perfectly. I truly felt that, even down to the design of the apartment. Nothing feels permanent here.

Before getting too far into the themes, I want to discuss the characters! Having a murderous main character is very fun, the film acts as a character study almost, as we watch him decline to these depraved ideas flashing through his mind. He feels deeply fragile and masculine, the image of the power drill alluding to this excellently. He has a desire to feel powerful, to feel like he is making money to pay for the apartment and help those around him. Yet, he isn’t the breadwinner - far too much of a perfectionist. Here we see his clashing ideals and desires break in on him, and even through the sometimes less than stellar acting, I truly enjoyed this character. He felt real and dark, pathetic and yet somewhat empathetic. When his art is shunned, you feel the pain, yet by this point, you know what he is capable of, he is scary and twisted, maybe because of how real he feels.

Secondly, and maybe my favourite, is Carol, who is played by Carolyn Marz. Her character is so interesting, and maybe deserves her own essay discussion, but that is neither here nor there. Carol pays the bills for the apartment - groundbreaking stuff for a 70s audience I am sure - yet this factor is understated, which works to its strength I feel! We see her dating other people - even having a husband! I’m unsure if this acts more as a reflection of her character, or Reno’s, but I love both sides of the coin. Truly, a vividly interesting character.

The ensemble band are also interesting, although a group I feel I don’t know enough about to discuss. All I will say is, I believe they portray themselves excellently, and the constant cacophony of noise they bring to this apartment complex is perfect.

On to the theme of art! Perfection is important to Reno, a skill he strives to reach, yet never can. This element of his character makes him so scarily relatable, any artist of any form will tell you how badly they have wanted to create the myth of a perfect piece. Nothing can ever be perfect, as shown through the painting he makes, which appears to hardly, if at all, change. Constantly, he strives for that which he cannot reach, which financially plunges him into dark depths, while ultimately not mattering. It juxtaposes perfectly with the image of the murders, they’re quick, thoughtless actions. Finally, he has an outlet that he doesn’t have to pour all of himself into, while receiving nothing back. This theme also leads to my favourite quote:

"You're becoming simply a technician. there's nothing there. There's no feeling, no drama, no passion. a work of pure, unadulterated ego."

Before discussing a more important point, that pizza looks so gross wow! I would not have that anywhere near me - is it meant to look this way? Did they actually eat it? So many questions raised from that gross pizza! Also just peppers on it? What!

Finally, I want to discuss the ending, a truly haunting image, that reminds me of Black Christmas, an all time favourite of mine! It is bleak and terrifying. The thought of it is pure horror and I love it. Truly, a good for no one horror film, even as Carol appears to escape, Reno still manages to find her, the simple sound of his grunting in the darkness as he pretends to be another man is terrifying - there is no other way to put it. An ending that is sure to stick with me.

In conclusion, a very very good film that does a lot for me personally! I don’t think this will be for everyone - many technical aspects of this film are poorly done, yet it has heart, and I adore what it is doing so very much! It exceeded my expectations! I love this so much.

9/10!

#horror #halloween #horror movies #horror movie #video nasty #spooky season #driller killer #slasher

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blahandwhatever · 7 months

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still consumed by the sleepy

yesterday I had to wake up only slightly extremely late instead of extremely extremely late

taste-tested the most bewildering set of unflavored protein shakes

they all tasted like dry oats

the beautiful Matrix Sciences birch was already partly bare

fall in full swing and summer returning

took myself for a walk before dark, got a poke bowl (not the best)

today I didn't want to get up but had to make myself eventually

had to skip washing hair because late and feel greasy and unpretty

had to get to Costco for eggs before fucking 6 PM

at least it got me out of the house before sundown

people at stores talked to me more than I was prepared for

at home I had the quickest nutritious dinner I could make (still slow to eat)

took a long nap, woke up with jobs on my mind

there hasn't been anything more important in months

(at least not in my own life, besides self-care)

my sense of direction is strong right now, but my action-taking is slow as ever

and I puzzle again and again over the lack of payoff, and what to improve (without money for new credentials)

I did hear back from two jobs this week

one had me do an assessment - still waiting to hear back about that

one asked me to set up an interview, and I wonder if the effort is worth it for a low-paying job - it's temporary, and it's something, but I'm hoping another will work out; I have a few days, so I'll see if the other hires me

none of the higher-paying jobs have given me a chance

there's a good one I want to apply for that asks for references

most of them don't, but when they do, it's always three

I have two and can't think of another good one

makes me realize I need to be more careful about looking good in the eyes of higher-ups

I usually haven't bothered enough, and I've had some tensions with most of them

then there's jobs that were just too brief or where I was just a number

a year ago I was doing so good

I knew it might be too good to be true

but it got worse partly because I messed it up

I flew a little too close to the sun

I went too fast for my big-bucks-in-a-few-hours

but I still have the job, and I still hope it'll pick back up

it's October

two years ago I got a set of glasses that brought me inordinate pleasure

last year I found a bottled water that bought me inordinate pleasure (don't buy the little bottle six-packs anymore because they marred the design with a green recycling symbol. also concerns about the recycled plastic. also lack of money. the bigger bottles are still good but less delightful.)

before I had little birthday parties, this year I probably won't given the state of everything, unless someone suggests something (doesn't bother me, I just wonder how everything will be going forward)

if I did, I'd have less to clean than usual

little by little, I get more on top of things

to be fair, there also isn't the mess or busyness of all the shopping I was doing

ohhh I want to do this month better than last year

need to fix my sleep schedule, fix my sleep schedule

I reached a point where I was feeling super-good and starting to sleep less

one day I slept four hours (morning study), and I think it was the first time I ever didn't feel dead on that amount of sleep

then I slipped up a bit again with the iron supplement schedule and my mood and appearance got a bit worse again

I course-corrected, but that brought me back to the long sleeps, which I see the healing effects of, and surely won't last too long, but it would be so much better if I just didn't slip up

crazy to think of all the low/weird periods I had in the past year and how this was probably at least partly responsible for all of them

it really has shown itself to be one of the most powerful things in my life - in like, every way

truly the mineral of strength

and so I must treat it like the god that it is, prioritize it at all costs

why be a lesser self when it's so easy to avoid

I keep feeling the need to rebalance things in my life, reduce some types of stimulation

it's great to have plenty of stimulation - and kind of amazing how much I do with the constraints I'm under

still, too much consumption can mean not enough introspection (or creation), and I've been feeling not as in touch with my own journey as I'd like

there's also just the all too quick and effortless nature of browsing stuff online that too easily steals time away from consuming somewhat more challenging and rewarding things

there's so much to genuinely love here, so much I'd like to not miss out on, yet somehow I have to continue the difficult work of culling my Tumblr browsing to make more room for other things

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hungeringheart · 7 months

Note

3-player session with a Thief of Mind, Sylph of Doom, and Mage of Rage. how would that play out would there be any hope of it ending well

I don't see why not! I think it almost has to end well, really. Let's examine why.

Dramatis Personae

Thief of Mind

Sylph of Doom

Mage of Rage

Lay of the Land

The first thing we should note here is that there is neither time nor space in this session at all. That means the game can't be won normally, as designed -- but that doesn't mean that it can't be won!

You've actually got classpects that will help tremendously -- a Sylph of Doom recontextualizes, repairs and heals destinies, and a Mage of Rage understands despair and doubt and sees a path forward despite what's set in stone. The Thief of Mind is mostly just doing their own thing tagging along with the big damn heroes, collecting information and decisions from let's say the pawn royalty because it interests them -- but mostly what's important here is that you have two classpects capable of filling the niche (through a certain lens) of all the others.

That said, the presence of a Thief of Mind means that Mind is in desperately short supply, and should be present otherwise -- we can interpret this to mean that their instance of SBURB is an MMO, or rather the abandoned shell of one, still online but no longer winnable -- once there were a lot of different minds there, and now there are so few that people invent ways of playing that make it seem like the npcs are people. Kind of like Black Desert -- it's up, but the people in there are mostly all the same kind of weird and uncooperative racists, and the fun of playing with friends is one thing but opening the chat is something entirely different.

Of course the npcs here actually are people - but the Thief doesn't know that, do they?

The Altogether

Your party isn't going to be focused on breeding frogs. I think they come in on a pirated copy of the game and the DRM kicks in or something like that; maybe the disk is scratched, depending on the period you write them in. (I've actually written SBURB as a ritual ARG with characters who antedate digital computing, it's doable!)

As they explore their worlds (which because of how late they came in and who they are, are in ruin and obviously not tailored to them but to other earlier players), they start to come across the consequences of earlier play -- traumatized carapaceans with opposing saint and sinner player cults, whispers from horrorterrors tormented by some past active-class Void or Doom or Light player, all the relics of a responsive SBURB MMO that in its heyday was played mostly by the same unwashed, angry, unquestioning demographic that used to play World of Warcraft.

I think it's safe to say that this is core to the development of your Mage -- they experience firsthand all the rage and pain of what is, after all, a ludic abstraction populated by entities that are perfectly capable of feeling and living whole personal lives, that never chose to be instrumental to anyone's process of maturing even if they literally came into existence as species to do so. (This is sort of what happened to the canon kids, and why Earth C is partly settled by consorts.)

They're probably the type to care strongly about their Consorts, and as a result they're the first to take them seriously and realize that having the status of a game abstraction as the game manual designates you doesn't mean much about whether you "have a soul", to the extent that concept applies to anyone.

The Thief of Mind realizes the same thing in a similar way, but I think they might at least initially go in a different direction with it, trying to consolidate power and solve problems through manipulation, since there are in fact people in there behind those cute little salamander button eyes, and that means they can be psychologically moved and maneuvered into optimal positions, much as the Thief probably does with their friends without thinking.

The Sylph of Doom observes all this and comes to the conclusion that the game is rigged and the situation is fucked and that's a fundamentally unfair position for both the kids and the chess guys and consorts to be in -- their journey is about envisioning a different way and then helping to make it real. Ultimately that might look like pushing the boundaries of the limits of the game, investigating whether the constructs claimed to be necessary really are, and communing with the agents of the ultimate end -- the Horrorterrors, who might in this story be the Dersite gods...

To nobody's surprise, and to further our theme, I don't think the Horrorterrors are exactly in positions they enjoy either.

The way this game is won, then, is probably not by an individualistic if collective victory by the players that erases the world they came into --instead, victory here looks like understanding and giving place to your characters' own rage and the rage in the world around them, influencing and taking on and changing the mentality that that rage produces, and repairing the world and the laws of the world, with input from everybody.

I think this would actually be a lovely story to write and even lovelier to read : )

#session analysis #homestuck

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p-antomime · 3 years

Text

just so fine.

— minors don’t interact

— wc: 4,7K

content + warnings: 18+, including: dilf!toji, manhandle, spitting, daddy kink, choking, unprotected sex, creampie, a bit of school girl!reader maybe, breeding kink, overstimulation, squirting, degradation, age gap, a bit of size kink, thigh riding

pairings: toji fushiguro x fem!reader

— note: this is a bit inspired by: Love Without Tragedy by Rihanna. — jjk masterlist.

Red lipstick and a broken heart trying to be concerted by the petals of your conscience and your friends who said that "he didn't deserve you anyway". And honestly, you didn't know where exactly you were getting the strength from to get out of bed that Monday and go take a shower before heading painfully to your first class in the morning.

He used to be the boy you loved with every cell of your body and soul, he stole the best years of your freshman life at the university, and now you were a senior who had neither the animation nor the patience to welcome the incoming freshmen that year. Despite having Kugisaki and Megumi fervently cheering you on while Itadori was too busy still dealing with the problem of sending documents to the college, your heart was still fatally wounded and your dignity no longer existed as your tears had wiped it off the face of the earth during that morning shower and you couldn't help but be tempted to put on makeup good enough to mask your dark circles under your eyes and downcast face.

"Are you coming today?", Nobara asked excitedly on the other end of the line as you were already leaving the house and taking the long way to college.

— Do I have the option of not going?

"No, of course not.", Nobara replied with a slight laugh that was well intended to cheer you up a bit, "We can have a movie night tonight, to cheer you up."

— At whose house? At mine that won't be, it's a mess. — You grumbled.

"At Megumi's or Itadori's, of course. During lunch I'll buy soda and food with Yuuji and you convince Megumi to let us break into his house today.”

— Why do I have to convince Megumi? You came up with the idea.

"Because I'll be busy, simple. And Fushiguro doesn't take me seriously.", and then you sighed heavily, already noticing that you were less than a block away from entering the college grounds.

— Okay, I see what I can do.

Kugisaki told you that she was waiting for you in the classroom, and you replied that you were already there. And then something distinctive caught your attention. It was strangely easy to spot something different in the landscape of the university entrance because usually it was always the same: university students rushing to settle personal matters or to classes they are late for, or also students who came to see what the college was like before the university application period.

But today was different. There was a tall man fully dressed in black and gray leaning against a motorcycle that looked as if it had been taken from an action movie because it was so well equipped and large. He looked relaxed, and yet he still possessed an aura that could kill you with a single punch. Attractive and devilishly dangerous with that leather jacket highlighting his strong arms and broad shoulders. Forcing your eyes a little, you could notice a scar close to one of the corners of his lips.

— What's the matter, little girl? — His deep voice reaches your ears, but your mind whispers to you that he probably wasn't talking to you at the same time that your heart starts to beat out of control and your head turns from side to side trying to check if there is someone behind you. — Yeah, I'm talking to you. — He smiled sideways.

— Uh... hmm... none, sorry. — Your cheeks started to heat up and you wanted to punch yourself in the stomach because usually a simple man couldn't disconcert you like that, and then your eyes fell on his collarbones, well marked by the black shirt he wore under his jacket, and your mouth suddenly felt too dry.

— What exactly are you apologizing for? — The man asked as he placed one of the helmets on the motorcycle seat, if there were two helmets maybe he brought some college girl? — For eating me with your eyes or staring at me? — And then you choked on your saliva and coughed desperately for air trying not to drop the folders in your hands and he seemed amused by your reaction.

— I-I... — Your fingers squeezed the folders and you had to look away to think straight. — I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I didn't mean to.

— I am not, it's great to be lusted after by younger girls. — He replied, but before he had a chance to continue his onslaught someone approached from the diagonal.

— Dad! — And then you choked again seeing that the one who was referring to the man in front of you as "dad" was Megumi. — Oh, Y/N? — He looked confused looking from you to his own father. — Anyway, they didn't have what you wanted at the pharmacy, next time you'll buy it yourself. — The young Fushiguro spoke to the older man, but seconds later, noticing the mortifying silence that settled over the place as you stared at his father, he spoke up: — And we are almost late already, let’s go, Y/N. — Megumi took one of your arms and started to guide you away from the motorcycle and closer to the interior of the college.

— You never told me you were interested in girls. — His father shouted more to embarrass his son than you, but the effect was the opposite, since you were the one with the burning cheeks.

— Shut up, Toji. — Megumi shouted back as he continued walking. — Did he say shit to you? — He asked you when the two of you were already walking down the halls to your classroom for the first class of the morning.

— Not really, no. He seems... fine. — You tried to talk as if you didn't have dirty thoughts running through your mind especially after remembering the older man's collarbones and scar, and still Megumi gave you an accusing look.

— Don't try to fuck my father, that's disgusting. - Your eyes widened.

— I wasn't thinking that, you idiot. — And then Megumi let out a loud laugh.

— I know, I was just trying to amuse you. — He shrugged and left you standing in front of the door. — See you at lunch?

— Yes, of course. — You answered, and then suddenly remembered Nobara's request on the phone earlier. Your hand held one of his arms so that he wouldn't walk away without listening to you. — Megumi, can we have a movie night at your place tonight? Nobara came up with the idea of doing this to cheer me up a bit. — He seemed to become suddenly tense.

— I'll have to at least let Toji know that there will be people coming home today. — Megumi answered vaguely and shrugged. — I'll send a message to Kugisaki and let her know if it's on or off.

Nodding your head positively, you gave your friend a slight smile, and then for the rest of the day your mind concentrated on paying attention to your classes, your scheduled seminars and the pile of work you still had to do. There was no time for your heart to pound with grief over the loss of your now ex-boyfriend, but there were several minutes when you had to chase away persistent thoughts of Megumi's dad. But looking at him wasn't enough, your hands wanted to explore his body and leave marks everywhere, that's what you thought until you felt ashamed, pushed the thoughts away for a few brief minutes and then thought about it again. In a vicious loop.

When you were having lunch with Itadori, Fushiguro and Kugisaki, your head tried to focus on their conversation as much as possible, but looking at the man with black hair and beautiful eyelashes reminded you of Toji and your hands started to break into a cold sweat. It had been a frustrating, tiring day, but secretly you were a little excited to see your friend's father again.

— Don't take too long, okay? — Nobara spoke after dropping you off and leaning against the hallway wall, and you nodded positively before going to your room to pack a backpack with some pajamas and an outfit in case you and the other two friends ended up falling asleep while you were at Megumi's house.

It didn't take long before you two were ringing the doorbell of the Fushiguro’s house and from the loud sound from inside the house you both could tell Yuuji had already arrived. Suddenly, Y/N felt nervous not knowing who would answer the door. Would it be Toji? "Damn", you thought as you saw exactly him calmly opening the door. This time he wasn't wearing very dark clothes, it was just gray sweatpants and a white v-neck shirt that still highlighted his beautiful collarbones.

— Is that them? — Itadori shouted from another room in the house.

— Yes. — Megumi, who was looking at the two girls standing in the doorway over Toji's shoulder, answered. — You may come in.

Toji moved to the side letting you two into the house and, using the personal excuse of being embarrassed, Y/N walked in with her head down. And partly, in fact, it was true that you were embarrassed, but your mind knew that your eyes wanted to take a good look at the older Fushiguro's thighs and cock. It was impossible not to look at those parts of his body, especially with that kind of pants.

But then Toji gave himself the right to go up the stairs to the upper floor of the house and out of your field of vision when Megumi asked you and Nobara which movie you wanted to watch and she answered that a drama movie. And then the four of you started to watch the movie comfortably, until you started to feel the straps of your own bra start to press painfully against the skin of your shoulders.

— Can I go to the bathroom? — Y/N asked Megumi, who pointed to the steps of the staircase diagonally across from the sofa.

— First door on the left. — You nodded and walked up the stairs carrying your backpack, intending to get rid of your bra and also put on the comfortable pajama top that had been brought.

From the hallway you could hear the low sound of another TV escaping through the gap in a tall door. It was probably Toji's room, such a thought raced through your mind, and you shrugged as you entered the bathroom, leaned against the door, and began to remove your bra and change into your shirt. It was inevitable to sigh in relief as you felt your shoulders less tense and sore and your hands groped your breasts just for the personal pleasure of feeling them free now.

— Hmm, may I come in? — A muffled voice was heard behind the door and instinctively you quickly removed your hands from your breasts.

— Just a minute. — Y/N answered, shoving the previously worn blouse into her backpack and almost running toward the door, slowly opening it.

You looked forward and found yourself facing a bare hard chest as you waited to see a long hallway with four different doors. Toji was now shirtless in front of you and your cheeks burned a little, which got a little worse when your brain short-circuited, your hand rested two fingers against the warm, somewhat soft skin of his chest, and you pulled away slightly so that you could look him in the eye.

— I'm sorry. — Your hand finished opening the door and there was again a sideways smile on Toji's lips

— Are you going to sleep here? — He asked, sliding his gaze over her shoulders, breasts and abdomen freely, without any embarrassment.

— No, actually. I just changed my shirt to be more comfortable.

— Got it. — Toji looked you straight in the eyes again, but yours were already gliding across his face until you found the scar close to his lips.

— How did you get this scar? — You felt the need to prolong the conversation just to get a better record of his face.

— You're pretty curious for someone apparently shy. — He remarked, his eyes sparkling with a gleam that you couldn't quite identify what it was. — When I was younger, we could say I wasn't the friendliest person in the whole world, so I got into a few fights. — Toji shrugged, as if this was not relevant information

How old are you? — A mischievous smile slowly drew on his lips.

— Old enough to be your dad.

"Then maybe I can call you Daddy", was the first thing you thought, but there wasn't enough courage in you to flirt shamelessly, especially with Megumi or the other two able to eavesdrop from downstairs.

— I think I've been here with you long enough. — Y/N answered, putting the backpack on her back and walking past Toji, but just as her feet were about to start down the steps, the older Fushiguro called her out.

— I think you forgot something, little girl. — You turned back in confusion, and in his hands was your bra. Toji threw the piece of clothing toward you through the air without much force to fall gently onto your palms that had opened toward him. — The next time you forget something like that inside my house, I'll keep it for myself. — You frowned, assuming that he was implying that there was possibly something between you and his son.

— Me and Megumi, we don't... — Your shoulders shook without your mouth finishing the sentence.

— I wasn't talking about him exactly, you're very naive, not that that's a problem for me. — He went into the bathroom and eventually you were alone again.

Feeling more embarrassed than the first time you had seen Toji earlier at the university entrance, you joined your friends again in the middle of the movie and were grateful that none of them had bothered to ask if anything had happened in the bathroom because of your delay. Eventually Nobara fell asleep on your shoulder after eating two pieces of the pizza Megumi had asked his father to buy, and Yuuji began to yawn almost pushing the son of the owner of the house off the couch.

— I knew they would both end up sleeping. — Megumi grumbled, pushing Itadori aside and getting up from the sofa. — There are two guest bedrooms upstairs, you and Nobara can use both of them and Yuuji sleeps with me, or one of you can sleep with me and the other and Itadori in the other bedrooms.

— I think it's better that Yuuji better sleep with you. — Y/N replied looking at Kugisaki, who was starting to fall off her shoulder.

And then Fushiguro woke the almost sleeping Itadori to go upstairs while he carried Nobara up the stairs and you accompanied him carrying both your and your friend's backpack. After tidying Kugisaki up in bed and getting Yuuji changed, Megumi spoke to you before leaving you alone in the guest room:

— If you feel hungry, you can go in the kitchen and get something to eat during the night. And, well, you already know where the bathroom is, and so does my room. If anything happens during the night, you can call me or him. — Megumi pointed to the door of Toji's bedroom, and you nodded positively.

And then you laid lazily on the slightly uncomfortable bed in the room and tried to relax. Almost, almost, sleep caught up with you, but your evil brain began to make you think about the fact that Toji was only a few miserable doors away, and the anxiety began to corrupt you rapidly, like a corrosive acid. But even though you wanted to go knock on his door, you forced yourself to sleep, especially since the day had been exhausting.

The next day, just like the rest of the week, Y/N didn't get to see Megumi's dad, and he didn't make much of a point of talking about his father either, after all, why would his friends be interested in him, right? All the other days of the week, her mind focused more on trying not to think about her ex-boyfriend and also not to think about Toji, just college business.... And then came the next Thursday of the successive week.

And there was Toji Fushiguro, leaning against his big motorcycle, but this time with only one helmet and different clothes. Honestly? You didn't know if you should go talk to him or not, if you should just walk right by or not. But, in the end, your mind tricked you into choosing the second option, and your feet awkwardly made their way to the college with your eyes struggling not to check the man's reactions.

— Can I have your number, little girl? — Toji asked in a tone loud enough for you to hear.

— What? — You looked away, wringing your hands nervously.

— I asked if I could have your number. — One of his hands swung his cell phone toward you.

The first thought that crossed your mind was, "What if someone sees us together and tells Megumi?", but honestly, Megumi probably wouldn't be interested in your sex or love life, even if it was with his father.

— Maybe, if you take me for a motorcycle ride today.

— You're wearing a skirt, are you sure you'd want to do that? — Toji suppressed a playful laugh. — You could have a ride somewhere more comfortable than my motorcycle today.

You narrowed your eyes and bit the inside of your cheek, realizing that you were entering dangerous territory in a game of seduction that Toji knew and played better than you.

— Will Megumi be at home?

— He has an internship today. — Toji replied, drumming his fingers on his helmet.

— Wait for me after four o'clock then. — You replied and walked back toward the college as you felt his eyes fixed on your ass.

Throughout the day you felt uncomfortably nervous and Nobara even asked you if everything was okay several times at different times. The only answer your mind formulated was a simple positive head movement, because honestly you felt embarrassed to be interested in a friend's dod, even though this father was extremely attractive and did not reject your shy and restrained advances. He was just so nice, fine.

Fine enough to make you press your thighs together to try to relieve the sexual tension as your legs walked towards the Fushiguro house. And when you got there, it didn't take long to see Toji opening the door wearing only black sweatpants. You went inside and closed the door, nervously watching the older man, who sat comfortably on the sofa in the living room and called out to you with his index finger. As you stopped in front of him, one hand patted his lap and the other was placed on your thigh covered by your skirt. Slowly, Y/N took her seat sitting on his covered cock.

— Why do you look so tense, hm? — Toji asked, squeezing your thigh without too much force and you moved slightly against his hip. — Are you a virgin by any chance? — Your cheeks heated up.

— N-No, you just make me nervous. — Y/N replied, shrugging slightly.

— Do I? — He pretended to be surprised as he slid his hand up her skirt and pushed his fingertips against her covered pussy. — Do I make you get your panties wet too? — Toji pressed his hips against hers and her hands rested on his shoulders for a few brief seconds.

— Fuck, yes. — You groaned, taking your fingers to the buttons of your shirt to undo them. — I've been thinking about you more than I should, I've been thinking about everything about you.

— So, why don't you show me how much you've been thinking about me, huh? — Fushiguro pulled her panties aside and stroked her pussy in slow circular motions while he brought his other hand to her face and pulled her closer to his. — Show me how much you want me and cum on my fingers like the dirty slut I know you can be. — His thumb slowly brushed over your lips and you opened them, your mouth filled by long fingers.

You grabbed his wrist close to your intimacy and guided two of his digits into your interior. And, fuck, they filled you so well. Toji's fingers were thicker and longer than yours, so the times he repeatedly curved them inside your cunt, their tips easily brushed and pressed that spot that made you roll your eyes having your body spasm with pleasure. "What a beautiful vision", the man would be thinking as he watched his beautiful college girl choking on his fingers while being fucked by the others.

However, he didn't move his hand against you much, meaning that he let you choose the pace and intensity, until you whimpered against his neck in a silent request for his fingers to move against you:

— Please, Toji, move your fingers. — Y/N said as she pulled away from Toji's digits that were preventing her from speaking and forced her hips against his hand.

— Can't you cum on your own? — He asked squeezing your chin to make you keep your mouth open. — Pathetic. — Toji spat on your tongue and closed your mouth to force you to swallow. — Pathetic slut. — And then he began to finger you in a relentless rhythm.

If Fushiguro wanted to make you cum in his hand, that's exactly what he got, and he even got a great view of your trembling body, your breasts rising and falling rapidly because of your rapid breathing and your head falling back in an intense pleasure you didn't know your body could achieve. While you were still clouded by ecstasy, his fingers snuck up to finish removing your panties and getting rid of your clothes covering your upper body. He wanted you only in your skirt.

— Look at my pet slut with her beautiful cunt leaking. — His fingers spread the folds of your pussy to see you twitching around just at his obscene words. — Just so nice. — Toji pressed the thumb against your sensitive clit and gave you a smirk before he sat you down on one of his thighs, began to move you there and also slowly stimulated your clit.

His body leaned down and his lips latched onto your breasts, sucking and licking them more intensely as your hips moved faster against his thigh. And occasionally Fushiguro would pull up her skirt and slap her ass hard enough to leave several finger marks across her skin; and it was on one of his slaps that a short, gasping, "Daddy" sneaked out from between your lips and hit Toji's mind as a twinge of intense pleasure coursed through his entire body.

— Say that again. — He ordered, grabbing her neck with the hand that had been slapping her ass before.

— Daddy... — Y/N groaned breathlessly as she continued to move her hips against Toji's thigh in a desperate attempt to cum again.

— Keep calling me that, be a good little whore for me. — His other hand continued to stimulate your clit, now at a more intense pace that managed to push you straight into the abyss of a orgasmic pleasure that you so desperately needed.

After that, Fushiguro held you still in place as he continued to press his fingers against your clit. He definitely wanted to bring you close to the level of almost passing out from so much lust running freely through your body, and so your legs instinctively closed around his hand. At the same time that you desperately needed to breathe because you felt like your lungs were burning from your intense panting, every fiber of your body was still clamoring for the stimulation that only Toji could give you at the moment, so it wasn't hard for him to force your legs open again with a sly smile on his lips:

— Come on, my pretty girl, give me everything you've got. — He made scissor-like movements against her walls and her hips automatically forced themselves against Toji's palm, even though her intimacy was already quite sensitive.

— Daddy, please... please, more, daddy... — Y/N sank her face into the curve of Toji's neck trying to stifle her own moans.

— What a great fuck toy you are. — His fingers curved and you gasped, feeling again that same pressure as before against your bottom that indicated that your third orgasm was approaching. — No matter how much I make you cum you keep asking for more.

And the more he moved his fingers frantically against your pussy, the more you felt your thoughts disappear completely and all that was left was only Toji Fushiguro, and his fingers, and the cocky smile he had no matter what the situation was. Those same fingers that made you squirt for the first time against his abdomen in a third, overwhelming orgasm and your cheeks heat up violently, especially after seeing Toji bring them to his lips looking more than just satisfied with his work with you. Fuck, you could fuck him several times, you could pass out from pleasure, and you still wouldn't ask him to stop or slow down with you.

— Think you can handle one more, pretty girl? — He asked, his hands reaching for his pants and underwear.

— Yes, Daddy. — Y/N tried to speak as firmly as possible with her heavy breathing.

Toji put one hand on your waist and the other on your chin and took the opportunity to pull you in for a kiss as he entered you slowly, which made you lose some focus on the kiss and moan against his mouth as your nails dug into the skin of his shoulders. He didn't let you get too used to the recent intrusion and started thrusting himself against you hard.

After leaving yours, his mouth slid down your neck and shoulders to leave sucking and biting the area before placing the hand that was on your chin on your neck. Eventually yours moans went from simple gasps and sighs to little "Daddy" that made Fushiguro's dick twitch against yours insides several times and grunts escape his lips.

— I will breed you like the desperate little whore that you are. — Toji stroked hard against you while squeezing your neck a little harder. — I bet you're going to love this, aren't you?

— Y-Yes, daddy, breed me, please. — Y/N moved her hips against his while maintaining eye contact with the older man's predatory eyes. — Fill me up completely, until I'm leaking.

Toji squeezed your waist tightly, tilted your body slightly until your hips arched a bit, and started a rhythm of thrusts against you that as a result made your mind go blank and your nails leave scratches on his shoulders. And your fourth orgasm didn't even take long to hit you almost as hard as the third because your whole body had been extremely sensitive for a long time; after fucking that man incessantly you would definitely be addicted to him, to his touch, to his dick, to his lips. Everything about him was addictive.

After making you cum for the fourth time, Fushiguro kept thrusting inside you until his cock forcefully contracted against you and filled you full of cum. By that point you had definitely become just a bunch of holes for him to fuck, and if your body wasn't already so sensitive you might want him to actually fill every possible place in your body with cum. When he withdrew his dick from inside your pussy, Toji pulled your hips up to watch the white liquid escape your entrance and used his fingers to push it into you again.

— Come here. — He patted his chest lightly, and you leaned your sweaty body against his as you lifted your head to look at him. His hands caressed your body and soon you found yourself being carried up the stairs. — I'm going to give you a long shower, and then I'll take you home. — Toji left a gentle kiss against your forehead, and you felt more comfortable than you really should have in his arms.

— Thank you, daddy. — You replied, and he couldn't suppress a satisfied smile.

And maybe from then on you continued to take advantage of the times when Megumi wasn't home or you weren't so busy with college to spend hours together.

#toji fushiguro #toji smut #jjk toji #toji x reader #jjk smut #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen toji #i4nanami #daddy toji #toji supremacy #tw.daddy kink

1K notes · View notes

captains-simp · 3 years

Note

Natasha x reader, readers period starts in the most horrible way. Reader wakes up in the middle of the night with cramps and she realizes her period came so she crawls out of bed and panics, not wanting to disturb nat so she cleans up in the bathroom then changes and she decides to sleep on the couch since her side of the bed was bloody and she couldn't change the sheets without waking up and nat wakes up without reader there so nat gets concerned and looks for reader and you can take it from there

R, I feel you 🤧

1k words

[ masterlist ]

Buy me a coffee ☕

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Waking up in pain was probably your least favourite way to wake up. You easily preferred stirring to your girlfriend's hold around you or her familiar voice that was unbelievably husky in the mornings. A couple of times Natasha had even woken you up to breakfast in bed, you still remembered the exact placement of the waffles, fruit, juice and coffee. She just loved to please.

So if you could somehow choose, waking up to period cramps would be a hard pass. You were even more irritated by their late arrival.

Usually you got got cramps a couple days before your period to warn you it was coming, but clearly the wetness that clung to your pajama bottoms (that you just knew had soaked through to the bed) was a declaration of it's surprise arrival.

You were barely half awake when you knew what had happened. You sat up as quickly as you could without disturbing Natasha - she always looked so beautiful when she slept. You pulled the duvet back and felt sick when you saw the red stain on the freshly washed sheets. If Natasha wasn't sleeping you would have put the sheet in the wash in an instant but you didn't want to disturb her, partly afraid she would be annoyed at you for not checking to see when you were due.

Idiot. You scolded yourself internally as you got some clean clothes and went into the bathroom to clean up. You only felt guilty and gross as you ran the hand towel under some warm water and ran it over your body. The cramps weren't helping either. At one point you had to sit down on the toilet seat because you couldn't stand any longer.

When the stabbing pain turned into something more dull and bearable you left the bathroom and put your clothes in the wash. It was the hot water bottle you needed, but much to your dismay you couldn't find it anywhere. Tears quickly sprung to your eyes in frustration and pain until you couldn't walk any longer and gave up.

You put a towel down on the coach and made up your make shift bed for the night, not feeling confident that you would even get any sleep.

You couldn't sleep back in your bed and you couldn't bear the thought of making another mess so with a light groan you held onto your stomach and glanced at the clock.

00:12, this is gonna be a long night.

Natasha turned over onto her side and slung her arm out next to her, expecting to feel your familiar body close to hers. She frowned when all her arm felt was your pillow and slowly opened her eyes to confirm that you really weren't there.

Looking around, Natasha's eyes landed on the blood stain on the covers and she immediately sat bolt upright and reached for her gun under her pillow. Now fully awake, the Russian scanned her surroundings and soundlessly slipped out of bed and crept towards the door. She ventured through your shared apartment and tried to ignore all the fears rushing through her mind until she spotted your sleeping form on the sofa. Natasha sighed and put her gun down when she realised what had happened, only then thinking about the placement of the blood.

"Baby." Natasha whispered as she approached your sleeping form. You groaned softly when you started to wake. "It's okay."

"M'sorry." You mumbled and went to sit up but the pain hit you again and you whimpered.

"Hey, I got you." She assured softly. "And don't you dare apologise for that. Have you taken some pain killers?"

"We're out." You croaked.

"I bought some more yesterday." You paused.

"You did?"

"Yeah." Natasha chuckled and you couldn't help but smile.

"And the hot waterbottle?" You asked.

"Under the bed." Natasha smiled back as she brushed some hair away from your face. "I'll be right back." She promised and kissed your forehead lightly.

Natasha started to rush around your apartment and began with replacing the bedsheets and got extra blankets from the closet, like hell she would let you sleep on the sofa for the rest of the night. Then she took the hot waterbottle and filled it two thirds of the way full just how you liked it. And last but definitely not least, she took the painkillers out and got a glass of water for you.

"Thank you." You mumbled as she handed the pair to you. You downed them both, desperate to feel the relief they would provide as quickly as possible.

"Now come on." Natasha said as she put an arm under your legs and one under your neck to lift you from the sofa. You groaned from the sudden movement but held onto Natasha's neck and felt overwhelmingly comforted by her being so close to you.

The redhead carried you to your room and lay you gently down on the bed before pulling the duvet and all the blankets over you. You smiled sleepily, loving being back in what could possibly be your favourite place in the world with Natasha, but worry soon kicked in.

"Wait, Tasha. What if I-"

"Then I'll change the sheets again." Natasha assured as she climbed into bed next to you. "It's not hard." She laughed.

"Yeah yeah." You giggled back, the hot waterbottle already easing your pain. Natasha held you close to her gently and ran her hand over your back in circles.

"I don't know what I'd do without you." You said honestly. Natasha hummed as she kissed your head.

"I'd be lost without you too."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

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yanderechuu · 3 years

Text

Short-winded

yandere!Class 1A x fem!reader

[3K]

Summary: You are being forced out of your shell by your classmates, but now it seems more for their on benefit than that of your own.

Warning: anxiety, stalking

│

For someone who resented public attention, it came with shock when you announced you had wanted to become a hero.

You were the definition of social anxiety, often finding solace within the four corners of your room, and if not, then the kitchen of your house would do. So the worst form of betrayal your guardian could ever do to you was to send you off to U.A. dorms, practically miles away from the comfort of your own home. In the worst attempt to guilt-trip them, you claimed they were disowning you; still, they were adamant of the opportunity that you’d ease on socializing.

What you didn’t know was that your guardian had warned your homeroom teacher of your current ‘predicament’ (they’d call it a predicament; you’d call it your own nature), and requested if possible that you’d be compelled to engage in social interaction until you were comfortable with it. Aizawa agreed, seeing to it that if your own guardian personally addressed it to him, then it must really be a matter not to be taken lightly of. He had seen your tendencies, too - like when you would be called out for recitation, always having the answer at the tip of your tongue, wanting to roll it out so you could sit down. In the end, you would never find the courage to respond, and your classmates would assume that you didn’t know the answer to the question, while only you and your teacher would know otherwise. You were silent about your opinions during group hero training, only ever abiding whatever your classmates’ plans were, despite the little hiccups and uncertainties you would recognize in secret (but they were rare, anyway, as most of the time you only heeded those of Bakugou’s or Midoriya’s or Yaoyorozu’s).

Only when your guardian had approached him did Aizawa come to realize that, oh, he had never really heard you speak. Now that he thought about it, what did your voice sound like? The last time he heard it was when you had asked an incoherent query after homeroom lessons regarding hero laws. He had asked you to repeat it again, and again, and again, until when he had said, “sorry?” you bore this flushed, troubled look, raising your hands in front of you and waving them, exclaiming, “n-nothing, never mind. Sorry.”

He never understood what you were supposed to say, that was until he rectified the short essay quizzes held by the end of the period, where you got less than half percent correct. You had a different perspective of the hero law discussed, and Aizawa was willing to bet that your attempted question was about the lesson prior. Ever since then he took it as a habit to ask if you - specifically - had any questions regarding homeroom discussions. You would cower in embarrassment, knowing that the root of his habit came from when you had asked him something he couldn’t even hear, nevertheless you found it in yourself to respond by nodding. At least now you didn’t have to muster up the courage to approach him since he would approach you instead.

Anyway, it was already much apparent to him that you had a dilemma with your social life (if you ever even had one), and so he addressed this to the class once when you were called to the faculty to ‘discuss’ things with Present Mic, your English teacher (Aizawa just told him to keep you busy as he spoke to his class).

Most expressed their concern, especially when he said that this could affect your hero affiliation in times of inevitable joint cooperation or recruiting of sidekicks and whatnot. It was not necessarily their responsibility, Aizawa expounded, but if possible, then they should get you to interact with them as much. Mina was most resolved in getting to befriend someone like you, a little bit ahead of Izuku, who wanted to befriend you partly due to his curiosity of your quirk. The rest thought of this as a casual ordeal, and a few saw to it as a bothersome matter that could be handled by the social butterflies of the class.

Well.

Being approached by Izuku and his friends was the least of your expectations when recess began. Usually, you’d prepare your own lunch to prevent having to go to the crowded place, and eat in peace inside the classroom with Aoyama who normally paid you no mind. He would give you a cheese or two, but it was nothing that you couldn’t deal with. Besides, the cheese actually tasted delicious.

Izuku insisted you come with them to the cafeteria, and when you gave him only an anxious and weirded-out look, Uraraka saved you both from awkwardness by pushing you out of the classroom door - to which her touch you quivered at. In the corridors, Iida gave a lecture about how being with friends helped with your general health - you didn’t know whatever the hell he meant by that, because you weren’t even friends with them. Shoto kept giving you glances from time to time, and when you both met eyes, you were the first to break contact; he found himself smiling lightly in amusement. You ransacked your brain for excuses to avoid being around them, but before you knew it, you were urged to sit down on their usual table, where also Jirou, Momo, and Hagakure sat. You were on the corner of the table - across Izuku and beside Uraraka - overwhelmed and irate by the abrupt proceeding of things. This was coercion - they didn’t even ask if you were okay with it - and, quite frankly, a burst of your own personal bubble. You wanted out, but how could you, when you couldn’t even find it in yourself to stand up?

Their conversations were sundry; in any of them, you engaged in none. Even Shoto was more participative than normal in attempts to get you along. It was then when they realized they had not a single information about you. Hagakure didn’t even know your first name, as Aizawa only ever called you by your last, and when the rest of your classmates clarified it was ‘(y/n),’ she complimented it, as if it would help you be at ease around them.

“Oh, what a pretty name!” She exclaimed. “It kind of fits well with... (n/n)[nickname]. Can I call you (n/n)-chan? Like Tsuyu-chan!”

“...well,” you voiced out in the most minimal volume, and their happiness upon hearing your voice was sickeningly evident. You sighed, “sure.”

Even Iida dedicated himself to calling you that. That was okay, you thought, because it wasn’t like you would be spending almost all the time with them. Right; this was a one time thing. Never gonna happen again. You’d commit unalive before it could.

But you didn’t commit fast enough.

By the time dismissal came you rushed out of the classroom and to the restroom to avoid meeting with Izuku and his friends just in case they also had plans on robbing you of your personal time in dismissal. You went to a restroom that was not on the floor level of class 1A - you were sure your female classmates would spend minutes upon minutes in there - and waited for thirty minutes. You literally counted 1,800 seconds in your mind as it was the only way to withhold the bubbling anxiety inside you without looking like an oddball, doing box-breathing techniques alone and all that - though some students from different classes were wondering why you remained on your spot in that restroom.

Upon mentally saying the last second, you dashed out of the restroom and to the school building entrance, passing by your homeroom teacher on the way but not bothering to spare him a greeting. You hoped he would assume you just did not see him as you were brisk-walking. He would later on probably ask why you were still in school thirty minutes past dismissal.

U.A. dorms came to view and never had a bigger wave of relief washed over you. Today had been a hectic day, and you congratulated yourself for enduring the school hours that included socializing; perhaps you deserved a reward after all this. There was a quaint café a couple of minutes away from U.A., beside a convenience store; maybe you should try the sweets there on the weekend. No one knew about it, as it did not look like one, but that was why you decided to try it out. Small, tranquil, and picturesque - exactly what you needed.

Quietly, you opened the entrance door, and slipped in headfirst to see if you could go inside undetected. Unfortunately for you, you came in unexpected eye contact with Denki.

“(Y/n), hey!” He called from the dining area, smiling brightly. That was weird; you didn’t remember being first-name bases with him, and were disarrayed with the fact that he just greeted you when he normally wouldn’t. “Where’d you come from that you returned this late?”

“U-um, uh,” you looked down, “I... walked slowly...”

“Well you sure took your time. C’mere, Bakugou’s cooking.”

“I’m only doing it ‘cause you won’t shut up unless I do it, damn Pikachu!” Yelled the cook.

This time, you just had to refuse. “N-no thanks, I’m... I’m busy.”

Just as you proceeded to stroll your way to your room, you came into an abrupt halt by Kirishima, who was sitting on the common room, waiting for Bakugou’s cooking.

“Busy with what?”

“Huh?”

“We have no homework given for the weekend.” He explained, looking at you from over the sofa. “So... what’s keeping you busy?”

At this point, not only was he the one to stare at you, but so were Denki and Bakugou, who skeptically raised a brow in anticipation of your answer; in anticipation of your presence in the common room, as if he was expecting that you’d try out his cooking, too. Shoto and Izuku ended their conversation at once upon seeing you by the dorm elevator, halted and wide-eyed, like a deer caught on headlights.

For your small, silent, anxiety-stricken self, this was too much.

“C-can you...” you pleaded, voice scarcely above a whisper, “can you not...”

You wanted to voice out if they could stop looking at you like that - surely they could, couldn’t they? You felt supremely inferior to their stares and it didn’t help that most of them were deemed a few of the strongest in the class. It felt like they were going to use their quirk on you and, against them, your quirk was rendered futile.

You ran to the opposite hallway, opting to walk the set of stairs to your dorm level in lieu of using the elevator. You heard Kirishima’s yell of your name - “(y/n), wait!” - but made no attempt to slow down for him to catch up to you. He didn’t follow you, anyway, only abruptly standing from the cushion when you made a run for it along the hall, then falling back down in defeat, with a sigh escaping his lips.

“Man, she’s like Amajiki-senpai but kind of worse.”

“Well?” Denki queried. “Aren’t you gonna go after her?”

“I want to, but I feel like she’ll just... ignore me.”

Denki sighed. “And you say you’re a man.”

“Hey, I am!” He slumped on the couch. “I just know the right timing, which isn’t now. Probably later, or when Mina’s around. Maybe she’s more comfortable with girls.”

That was a funny joke, because your anxiety doesn’t discriminate, and you were uncomfortable around boys and girls and nonbinaries and basically everyone and everything in and beyond the gender spectrum either way.

You didn’t think of going out to fill your stomach before going to sleep, fearing the tension between you and your classmates who had witness the small encounter prior. By the time evening came, though, a knock was heard on your room’s entrance. You opened it begrudgingly, and in front of you appeared the face of the pinkette. Beside her was Kirishima.

“Hi, (y/n)!” Mina exclaimed brightly, much like how Denki had a few hours ago. “I know you haven’t eaten dinner yet. Come on!”

You were about to decline such a generous offer, but just then, your stomach churned in agreement against your will.

“...fine.”

As you three walked the corridor towards the stairs, Kirishima sauntered beside your form.

“Hey, uh, sorry about a while ago. I knew you weren’t comfortable with us but I still persisted with asking.”

He appeared to be genuinely sincere with the apology, with his palm on the back of his neck and eyes averting to everywhere but you, and the faint red on his cheek made him look less intimidating.

“It’s... it’s fine, you know.” Again, your voice was practically just an exhale. You turned the other way. “I’m sorry for running away like that. It was rude.”

Because of your consideration to apologize on your behalf, he found the confidence to grin at you without guilt. “It’s completely fine! At least now we’re on good terms, yeah?”

“Mm.”

This interaction didn’t stop you from preferring to be alone in your room. But you were hungry, and your stomach wasn’t relenting. As you sat on the corner of the sofa in the common room, Sero, with a grin, handed you your plate of [favorite dish].

“It’s your favorite food, right? Bakugou insisted to make it just for you.”

You slightly smiled at the thoughtfulness.

Then your face dropped in shock.

And so did the others’.

You blinked once, twice, then slowly looked at him in unnerved suspicion. “How did you know?”

“You sound like a stalker, Sero!” Denki whined abhorrently. “Freaking creep. Trust me, (y/n), it’s just that we noticed you always pack that for lunch. I got to say, though, I don’t blame you for liking [favorite dish].” He took a piece from your plate.

Alright, that sounded reasonable. Anything to keep you from the aching paranoia that they were actually watching what you did.

“And here I was trying to start things pleasant with (y/n).” Sero dramatically heaved, though somehow he still exuded this chilling vibe. It barely helped you with having to be around all these social butterflies.

From the other side of the common room were Momo, Jirou, and Hagakure, who played with a bunny borrowed from Koda. It didn’t help you at all that they spotted you from your place in the sofa.

“(N/n)-chan!” Along with your gaze, the rest of your classmates with you looked at them. “Wanna hold Koda’s pet rabbit? Right here!”

“No!” Yelled Mina right beside you, bringing a faint ring to your ears. You weren’t used to noise, having been always keeping to yourself. She brought you into a tight side embrace, and although she felt you tense under her hold, she ignored it for the sake of saying, “(y/n)’s staying here.”

“Unfair! You’ve had your share of time with her,” what? There was a planned time of when you were supposed to hang out with one group and the other? “now it’s our turn!”

“Please, you’ve had your time during recess! The rest of the night, she spends it with us.” Mina explained, nodding in agreement to herself. Her friends within her clique seemed to like the idea. Oh no. You did not want to spend the rest of your night with people you barely even knew. What would they do to you? Why were they being so revoltingly clingy all of a sudden?

Again, you wanted out, pleading yourself to convene the courage to say that-

“No, I don’t want to hang out with you, I just want to go back to the solace of my own room, just watch or read or sleep or anything else that won’t have anything to do with socializing with you all!”

Unfortunately, that was all just in your head.

“I don’t mean to intervene personally, but,” Momo started, promptly leaving her cup of tea on the table, “during recess, she talked mostly to Midoriya and Uraraka. I think it’s about time I get to be with her.”

“But I didn’t get to be with her at all.” Sero counterargued. “Therefore, she’s staying right here.”

Jirou derided, “As if she wants to get along with you. (Y/n), you wanna pet this rabbit or not?”

“Don’t bribe her with something that isn’t even yours!” Exclaimed Kirishima.

“Well, is she yours?”

“N-not at all, but neither is she yours!”

“(N/n)-chan, come here, pretty please?”

“I’m telling you! She's already comfortable here. See? All snug and comfy in my arms.”

“You’re not giving her a chance to decide where she wants to be!”

“Shut the hell up, you damn extras.” Bakugou’s voice, albeit neither soft nor strong in volume, was the loudest of them all. His presence was also the strongest and most intimidating, and you were unable to suppress the reflex to recoil when he leaned on you from behind the sofa, breathing practically against your neck. “(Y/n) stays here.”

The decision was determined from then on. Frustration was prominent on Momo and Jirou’s countenances, and Hagakure was silent for the rest of the night, going back to Koda’s room in order to return his pet rabbit. Mina moved you to the center of the couch so Bakugou could sit on your other side, and when he did, you felt the strong radiance of heatwaves from his body. He would be a perfect cuddler for the winter season. It always felt too cold or too hot whenever you were with people, but you refused to make a personal heater out of him.

“Alright!” From beneath you where he sat, Denki exclaimed. “Who’s up for a horror movie?”

It was not like you had much of a choice, anyway. Whether you loved it or not, a horror movie was being played in the common room’s television, and you had to sit throughout the whole two hours of it with all of Bakugou’s squad hovering around you. You weren’t sure what was scarier; the film, or the fact that discourse broke just a few minutes ago regarding whom you were ending up with. But if anything, you’d rather watch this alone than with these outlandish people claiming to be your friends and acting as if they didn’t ignore you and tend to their own business just yesterday.

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