#at least half would fucking lie so they wouldnt look ignorant and i know this for a fact
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I wish I was still in college just so I could go around asking all the annoying film bros their thoughts on clock imagery and themes of the fleeting futility of building a legacy vs living a life in Scorsese's Goncharov (1973)
#at least half would fucking lie so they wouldnt look ignorant and i know this for a fact#the other half would make an excuse then spend the rest of the day fighting for their lives trying to find a link to download it lmao#goncharov#goncharov 1973#unreality#tw unreality
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𝑆𝑤𝑒𝑒𝑡 𝐶𝑜𝑟𝑟𝑢𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛-Final
Pairings: jaemin x reader
Genre: smut, fluff (mostly at the end but it's short 🤠)
<previous>
Warnings: dom!jaemin, brat!reader, brat taming, punishment, overstimulation, edging, face slapping (literally slaps her once), choking (wOw iM sO sHocKeD), hair grabbing, degradation, jaemins gets angrier throughout the story, fingering, finger sucking, praising, unprotected sex, soft sex, y/ns pretty dumb but I think we knew that by now, once again jaemin calls himself nana because shut up
Tag list: @ahgastayzen @allykookiez @wooyugta @dreamlesswonder86 @taetaeismy @nanaysa @patchi-chi @simplicitysbabe @sweetjaemss @huangvibez @kaitherring @xxjaemchenct
It was obvious how tense and awkward jaemin was the entire time you stayed at his house, which lasted longer than you thought. You stayed for two days, per jaemins request, and you thought what if he's finally angry and decides to break. No, it was the complete and utter opposite. Jaemin was sweet, something you've barely seen when he used to bully or make fun of you before all this happened. He made sure you were okay staying with him another night and took care of you when you weren't hungover.
Did anything special happen though? Nope, just you and jaemin cuddling every so often while binge watching Netflix shows while he sometimes cracked jokes here and there.
It was definitely a sight to see. Even made you wonder if this is what its like to date him.
"Nana," you spoke, jaemin lifting his head off your shoulders to give you his attention, "Get up, we need to go to school."
Jaemin groaned, putting his head down on your pillow like chest and began, "Can't we just skip school?" He whined, "Maybe play a bit too?" Jaemin lifted his chin up, placing it on top of your breasts as he pouted, waiting for you to give into his cuteness.
Wouldn't that be nice- but you weren't going to miss school to mess around with jaemin. No way. You weren't even his girlfriend yet and you were sure his little play thing, seulgi, wouldn't be too happy, shes been calling him since he brought you here.
"No." You grabbed him by his hair and peeled him off your body. Jaemin wasn't very amused by the action.
"Oh i get it." He mumbled, "You want to see jeno, right?"
The question caught you off guard. But jaemin being jealous wasn't unknown to you anymore. He was possessive, that much you knew, and he always found a way to guilt trip you about it.
"I mean, we have been talking a lot more so a lil bit." You smiled, earning an eye roll from jaemin as he got up with nothing else to say and stalked his closet for something to wear. You glanced at your clothes which were actually his. And since you never went back to your apartment to get another outfit, you had to wear what you wore at the party.
Eyes stared into your bare back after you threw off the shirt that covered your body. They lingered, but didn't settle on staying until you slipped the bralette on.
Jaemin was going to comment about it, yet kept his mouth shut because there was no use saying he could give you a t-shirt instead, youd just complain about how it didn't match.
But the skirt was a different story. It was a party skirt, something way too short for school. No wonder jeno liked it. And to be honest, jaemin didn't hate it himself, he'd just rather not have people like jeno staring at you and your thighs. You were his. At least in his head you were.
"Fuck!" You screamed, "My bags at home." Softening your voice, jaemin just about wanted to smack you for scaring the shit out of him. He actually thanked the heavens your bag wasn't here, it gave you a reason to change.
"Let's go to your place quickly before school starts." Jaemin grabbed his things and you nodded, following behind him almost speed walking because of how long his strides were. "And change when we get there too."
You looked down at your fit and hummed, stepping into the car ready for jaemin to go.
"I don't think I can handle trig anymore." You bit your lip at the paper in hand. Jaemin looked down over your shoulder and almost scoffed. It was the homework due today, of course it was also one of the hardest pages the professor had given the class too, making it ten times harder for you to finish.
"If you had come over these past few nights, you wouldn't be so stressed." Jaemin shrugged.
It was like you knew he would say that with the way you rolled your eyes and crumpled the paper up, "Im actually thinking of dropping that class." You stated.
"Dont." He rested a hand on your shoulder, "Come over later and I'll help you." It wasn't even a question, in fact it was him telling you to do something. Its clear jaemins had enough of you ignoring him and hes also fed up with your complaining. Even wondered why you held out this long.
"But-"
"I'm not taking no for an answer anymore." Jaemin stated sternly as he sighed, stopping in front of your classroom and put his hands in his pocket. "Stop trying to ignore me," he leaned forward, just inches away from your face, "its not working."
"Just because you think its not working doesn't mean its not working...." You tilted your head to the side questioning your own words, "Anyway, you're jealous." Crossing your arms and leaning against the wall, your ego fed off of jaemins glaring eyes.
"Bullshit," jaemin tsked, "why would I be jealous?"
You smirked despite knowing you were playing a dangerous game with him. And jaemins good at playing games, he's done it to you for years.
You took a step forward, ultimately getting closer to his still leaned over figure and said, "You kept staring at jeno and I at the cafe and you had an attitude the entire time. Its obvious you know." Slithering a hand up his cheek, you pinched his smooth skin, "Nanas jealous."
It was an understatement to say jaemin didn't feel shivers go up his spine from your low voice. For once jaemin didn't have anything to come up with. Nothing crossed his mind to tell you that what you saw of him wasn't him being jealous, but that would be the dumbest of lies.
"Quiet for once? That's a first." You snickered at the small shade of red on his cheeks. It was either anger or him actually getting flustered. Either way you still claimed victory for keeping him surprisingly quiet.
Jaemin pulled your hand away from his face and opened his mouth, "Admit that you're purposely doing it then. There's no way you and jeno are magically good friends now. You hate him just as much as you hated me."
"Im not purposely making you jealous," you lied, "And I never hated jeno, just strongly disliked him for being friends with you."
The older almost laughed in your face from how stupid your lie was. "If you want my attention, say it." He smirked, proceeding to push you against the wall behind you without a second thought making you uncross your arms, "Its not hard y/n."
His hands trailed down to your waist, intensly watching your face as you looked around him, afraid that what he'd do will go too far and some students will see a not so innocent sight.
"Youre full of yourself." You inhaled sharply as he leaned forward ever so closely, just barely brushing his lips over yours.
"And you'll be full of nana soon." Jaemin almost closed the space between you with his lips, but someone stopped him.
"Jaemin!!!" Seulgi came running up to jaemin in her cute high heeled shoes. Her hair bouncing perfectly against her back as she pulled him away from you and into a hug, not before she planted a kiss to his lips as if you weren't standing right there, "I haven't seen you in so long, babe. You didn't call." She pouted with more puppy eyes than normal.
You missed the way jaemin growled at her, almost throwing seulgi off him since you were so focused on them kissing. Never did you think you'd witness it either. Something about it made your stomach churn and you couldnt bare stand there for long before walking away, taking zero notice of the way jaemin called out for you.
"Let's get some coffee before the bell rings." Seulgi pulled jaemin, but his eyes still lingered on the door you entered.
You couldnt stop your mind from racing in class. It was like your mind was playing games on you, telling you that jaemin wasn't in the slightest interested in you and thats why he never answered you, because he was too embarrassed to be seen with someone like you.
But that was only you overthinking.
Obviously jaemin cared for you, he wouldnt have let you stay over his house, tutored you, or be possessive when it came to you. So why did he kiss her back? In front of you too? Was he actually dating her for real?
These questions ran through your head, giving you a mini headache from thinking too hard about it.
It was like you were in high school all over again where everything was dramatic for no reason, well in some aspects you made it this way, but your point still stands.
"Y/n," someone tapped the table repeatedly, bringing you back to reality, "Class is over." jeno looked at you with suspicion but brushed it off thinking you were probably tired.
You glanced around the empty room before looking back at jeno, "Oh...yeah."
"Well uh," he scratched the back of his head, "You should probably get to your next class."
That's the last thing you wanted to do. Jaemin would be there and so was one of seulgis minions that always kept an eye out for anything he did. As annoying as it was, you weren't surprised anymore.
"Im gonna skip."
Jeno grimaced as you stood up and grabbed your things, walking towards the rooms exit as he followed close behind, "You? Skip? What the fuck??"
You stopped in your tracks, jeno almost bumbing into you in the process, "Do I need to spell it out for you or something? S-k-"
"No shut up. Its just shocking that your skipping." Jeno half grinned at the way you stared at him stoically.
"What are you getting at?"
The man before you chuckled, "Im saying youre a goody two shoes and you've never done a bad thing in your life."
You can't say he was wrong, but you also have to admit that you have stepped out of your shell recently and maybe for the better.
"Everyone changes some time in their lives." You pointed out, strolling out of the class to nowhere specific. "Better run to class jeno, dont want the teacher calling you put again."
"Yeah yeah." He eye smiled, giving you a quick pat on the back before saying bye and walking to his class.
You couldnt help but smile at him as he moved further and further away. You had to admit, jeno wasn't as bad as you thought. Not anymore anyway. But as jeno soon disappeared around a corner, you sighed and sauntered to the library where you were going to do your work until class ended.
Students were scattered everywhere in the library, some typing away at their laptops or school computers while others had papers and books sprawled out in front of them. Unfortunately for you, you were going to be the ones with almost any school supply in front of them. And with a sigh and slouched shoulders, you sat at an empty desk near the front of the library, taking your homework out as well as some books.
Normally it wouldn't be a problem for you to focus, but it was stressful with so many things laid out for you. Face palming and groaning quietly at your trig paper, you attempted the first problem which honestly didn't seem too bad, but you weren't always so sure of yourself when doing these kinds of things. Mostly because you second guessed yourself making you pick the wrong answer when you were originally right.
"This is so fucking stupid." You threw your head into your hands, giving up on trying since it was useless anyway. You needed jaemin. He was the only reason you started getting some good grades on your work.
"Whats stupid?"
Speak of the devil.
"The trig home- wait why aren't you in class?" You gazed at him before averting your eyes, not trying to let them linger too long.
Jaemin pulled a chair out and sat closely beside you, raising a brow as you inched away from him. "I could ask you the same thing." He tipped the chair back a little, keeping his eyes locked on the side of your stoic face.
"Im doing something if you can't tell." You snapped, instantly regretting the way your voice raised once you noticed jaemin clenching his jaw out the corner of your eye. But you couldnt help it, you were still frustrated, embarrassed, and jealous from earlier.
"Whats wrong?" Jaemin calmed himself, not wanting to blow up at you.
"Nothing." You ignored his eyes that watched you do out the problem. Probably silently telling you that it was all wrong but you weren't trying to pay attention to him.
"Youre doing it again."
"Doing what? I'm just trying to do my work." After writing your answer down, you checked over tbe work before you smiled to yourself. This had to be the right answer.
"Stop playing dumb." he grabbed your chin, "You know what you're doing."
Wiggling out of his grasp was no use, jaemin managed to move his hand to your jaw to keep you still.
You winced at the sudden squeeze, "I dont know what you're talking about."
Jaemin had enough of this bullshit, now grabbing your neck instead. Your eyes wondered the room hoping no one was paying attention, "Im not playing games with you. Why are you ignoring me again?"
"That's a good question." You looked away and though jaemims grip was starting to hurt more each second, you still found a way to show your disinterest.
Jaemin sighed, letting his hand drop and you inhaled deeply without a second thought. "Whats wrong then?"
"I told you its nothing."
"Bullshit." Jaemin took the pencil out of your hand just as you were about to write, your hand flying up to try and take it back but he pulled away.
"You really wanna know then?" You asked sharply to which jaemin nodded, "You kissed seulgi. Happy now?"
Jaemins mouth fell at your confession. Yes he figured that upset you a bit, but he never thought it was enough for you to ignore him.
"I never even went that far with jeno."
"Never went that far, huh?" He snapped back, shaking his head in disbelief as his face once again was steaming with anger. "Need i remind you how you made out with him at the party. Or were you that wasted and cant remember?"
The new found anger overlapped the previous one with more than just anger, but annoyance. There was no way jaemin was telling the truth, you would never kiss jeno.
"No i didnt."
"Dont tell me you didn't, I fucking saw it." His hand found its way on the table creating a loud bam that startled not only you, but a few kids that even lifted their heads to see what caused the noise. "You were the first one to go that far, so blame yourself before you blame me."
Taking a deep breath, you had to calm down before you said something you'd regret. Knowing jaemin too, you already had something waiting for you at his house.
"I believe you." Jaemin was ready to open his mouth but you were quick and responded, "because i remember." The problem with this answer was because it was untruthful. You already dug yourself a whole from the beginning yet you knew what you were getting yourself into. There was something about playing with jaemins anger that made you go wild.
Determined with your lie, you kept the straightest face like it was proof you recalled that night. Jaemin too was focused only on your face, his hand balling into a fist ever so slowly.
"I remember....he was a really good kisser," you whispered, "And you looked so mad." Snickering away at your words, you placed a hand on jaemins lap and watched his expression go from anger to almost frothing at the mouth.
Bingo. He was too far gone to see through you at this point and this is where you smirked to yourself.
"You're unbelievable." He scoffed, rolling his eyes thinking about how fed up he was, "Lets go."
Despite being told what to do, you sat looking between jaemin and your sprawled out homework. "I have things to do."
Jaemin literally shoved all your papers into your bag, not caring how they crumpled in the small space as you complained and swatted at his arm. Of course though, jaemin payed no mind to it, grabbing your hand and bag before dragging you out of the library.
You fought and struggled to get out of his grip. From the start you knew what you were getting into, that's why you did what you did. Now being dragged to his house it dawned on you that it was time to suffer whatever he had in mind.
"When we get to my house," jaemin locked his eyes with yours as he led you to his car, "We'll study trig, and depending on my mood and your attitude after, I might go easy with the punishment later."
"Im not going over to study and then be punished afterwards." Your voice faltered as you saw a familiar someone walking towards you and jaemin.
Jenos eyes lit up sadistically, smiling at you, telling you to smile back for one reason: to set jaemin off.
You did without hesitation, jaemins hold getting tighter and tighter as he glared at his best friend who walked by, holding the proudest grin on his face.
Once at the car, jaemin shoved you inside the passenger seat, slamming the door before he situated himself in the drivers side. Your eyes watched in annoyance yet you were intrigued. Maybe because you haven't had any action with jaemin since about a week ago.
Resting your head against the headrest, you stared outside the window. There wasn't any way you could hold another conversation with the man, it would only drive your hormones insane.
Its been thirty minutes and to say you were paying attention would be the stupidest thing ever. every word that jaemin said went in one ear and out the other. Some part of you was purposely choosing to ignore him, but your attention span was almost non existent in the first place. So listening to jaemin talk about trigonometry was only boring you.
You tapped out, playing with your pencil or doodling on the paper. Each time you weren't paying attention, jaemin would ask you to write down the answer or a land a slap right on your thigh. It stung and made up jump with shock in your eyes as jaemin told you the same thing each time: "pay attention." But did you? God no. It was impossible. With the thought of a punishment too, it made your mind run like it was in a marathon.
"Little girl," jaemins voice once again brought you back to reality, "what did nana just say?" You shrugged your shoulders slightly, keeping your head down like you were shy yet you were far from it, holding a small grin on your innocent face.
"I dont know, nor do I care." You finally looked up. Jaemin was none too happy, letting his chest fall.
Shaking his head, he said once more to listen and pay attention.
Jaemin took your pencil so he could write out the problem for you, deciding to be nice even though you weren't returning it. You watched the way his pretty hands flexed with every number or letter he wrote. The subtle veins showing every so often too made you almost drool at the sight. Oh what you would do to have him wrap his hands around your neck again.
"Solve it." Jaemin threw the pencil down in front of you, resting his head in his hand to watch you. But you didn't move, not even a simple budge.
"No."
"Y/n its not that fucking hard, just solve it."
You glanced at the paper then the pencil that laid on the table before grabbing it and snapping it in half.
"Im not doing it." You faked a smile, ready for jaemin to snap just like the pencil.
"You need to pass this class, y/n. Stop messing around and pay attention."
You shot up from your seat, "I. Dont. Care. I'm going home."
It wasn't long before he suddenly stood up too, grabbing you by the hair and threw you on his bed, "Okay you wanna act up?" He hovered over you, pinning your arms down on the soft bed as he straddled your lower half. "I dont get why you continue to act like a brat when you know you're going to be punished. Unless you want it?" Jaemins face was merely inches in front of yours not until you blew into his face and smirked when he flinched and pulled away.
"Ever wonder why I act this way? Your easy to push, I can get in your head and make you get mad so I get exactly what I want." You snickered, "Not to mention its to make you suffer for not answering my question." A hand was placed on his covered chest, rubbing small circles on the fabric of the shirt.
Suddenly, jaemin laughed. Though, it wasn't a joyful one. It was more sadistic and filled with amusement, "How is it making me suffer if you're the one about to be punished?"
"Cuz i still get what I want in the end."
"My dick or my attention?"
"Both."
Jaemnn chuckled dryly, quickly sitting back and tearing your clothes off without a second thought.
You were ready to protest about your clothes until jaemin took matters in his own hands and shoved his fingers nearly down your throat to shut you up.
"Im tired of your voice." He spat, "All you talk is shit."
Whimpering around his fingers, you tried anything in your power to try and pry them out. He never moved back, sticking his fingers deeper and deeper until he heard you gag and whine the best you could. Your throat felt so tight and it was getting harder to breathe. Jaemin didn't care, deciding to just fuck your mouth with his fingers as he started pulling your pants and panties down, lifting his hips up so he can take them off all the way.
"It would be so much nicer if you weren't a brat you know." Jaemin began, easily shoving two fingers inside your dripping cunt, "Nana could've stuffed you full of his cock, made love to you, and made you happy. Instead," his fingers that were buried in your heat, curled and pushed in a certain way that made your eyes roll, "You wanted to be a little bitch."
You drew out a long hum, the pleasure felt so good after pushing jaemin for so long. All his anger was going to this one punishment and you should've felt scared, but you weren't. You were excited and loved every bit of it.
The way he fingered you was almost too surreal. It made your body crumple against his will and he wasn't even fucking you yet.
It was getting harder to breathe being filled by his two fingers. Just barely becoming too overwhelming so you tapped his hand to signal you needed to breathe. Jaemin took his hand out, watching your face to make sure you were okay as you gasped for air.
"Are y-you try-trying to kill me or s-something?" You moaned at one particular hard thrust that made your breath hitch.
"Oh shut up, I know you liked it. Probably imagined my cock down your throat." He bit his lip, taking in the thought of what you would look like on your knees for him before shaking it off.
"I-i was n-not."
Jaemin smirked devishly, scissoring his fingers to stretch you out more, but you kept clenching around him. Your hand grabbed his wrists in a death grip, moans fell from your open mouth and jaemin ate that all up. Loving how your body shook, knowing you were so close.
Right when you felt your orgasm coming, jaemin ripped his fingers out of you, essentially letting your juices flow out. But you didn't cum, no you were just that wet.
Your hips lifted up like you would get friction but there was nothing to get friction from, you looked dumb and pathetic.
"Not fair..." you mumbled, frowning at the annoying smirk on jaemins face.
"Punishments aren't supposed to be fair," he said a matter of factly, pushing your hips back down on your bed as he grazed his fingers over your wetness before pushing back in again.
This time setting a ruthless pace, taking in your fucked out expression.
"Jaemin- please im s-so close." Fidgeting and clawing at his wrists, the orgasm built back up. It got closer, closer, closer. Right there, it was right there, but jaemin took it away from you again.
"God, I love this way more than I should. Breaking a brat is so much fun." His fingers dripped with your arousal. He stared at the strand connecting his fingers. It was so much and so lewd, it should've been embarrassing to you yet it made him want more from you. "How many times should nana edge his pretty girl? Maybe-"
"Fuck you." You cried, ready to take this into your own hands and finish yourself off.
Jaemins hand made a perfect necklace on your neck, tightening his grip on the sides so you felt all his anger, "Thats the last thing I would say if I were you."
"W-what are y-you gonna do? Spank me?" Thinking he actually would if you said that, you were slapped across the face, eyes not staring at jaemin anymore but the wall next to the bed.
"Dont test me anymore, your already in for it." He growled into your ear. Leaving his hand wrapped around your neck, he slipped back inside, this time fucking his fingers into you at an antagonizing slow pace.
You wanted to scream and push him away for being a tease, but you reminded yourself that this is what you wanted, this was what you'll get. You had no idea how long this pain will continue though. All you could think about was cumming. In fact, that was the only thing on your mind as he fingered your tight pussy. The pain of not being able to orgasm was so unbearable, it just about made your eyes tear up. Were you that desperate that you'd cry over it?
"I wanna...c-cum so bad..."
The man above you stared at you in disbelief. He basically just started and you were already a mess.
"You really want to cum that badly?" You nodded hastily, tears at the brink of falling, you couldnt hold it in anymore, "Then apologize for all the shit you put us through. Starting with you ignoring me, fake dating jeno, and purposely pissing me off for the hell of it." Jaemin said with his whole chest. Being able to say it out loud reminded him of everything. From the time you started this crap, to now.
"I-im sorry- I'm so f-fucking sorry, jaemin." You forced yourself to look into his eyes, his angry red eyes that tore into your soul to find any lie, yet you had none. You meant what you said with full honesty, "Please nana, l-let me cum."
Jaemin simply gave you a nod and thats when you let everything out. You came all over his fingers but jaemin didn't stop nor slow down. He kept the same rough pace as before and you could only scream and cry from the sensitivity.
Then jaemin started rubbing and pinching your sensitive clit before giving your cunt a slap that made you jolt and cry out.
"Ahh- w-wait jae-mmm....s-so sensitive."
Jaemin rolled his eyes, "thought you wanted to cum? I'm giving you what you want, babe."
Your legs closed around his fingers though it didn't stop him from curling and fucking them inside. He could just easily push them open yet he found your sensitivity amusing which led you to cum again without warning.
"What a pathetic little fucking brat you are." He gathered the white substance that leaked from your clentching hole and shoved it back in, "Making such a mess of yourself."
Your back arched, even more sensitive than before.
The hand on your neck moved down to your breast, squeezing at your nipples and playing with everything he could get his hand on. Your nipples were so sensitive that that alone could make you cry and moan just from a simple touch.
His fingers brushed against your sweet spot where you screamed his name. Being over sensitive made everything feel more pleasurable and painful. Every small touch on your pussy brought you to a shaking pleasure that you couldnt control. It was becoming too much and too overwhelming.
"Fuck, are you gonna cum again? It hasn't even been five minutes." He watched, eyes filled with amazement as you shook and once again, came on his sheets and fingers.
Your shaking didn't stop though, it was like the kind of shake you get when your cold, though you were far from it. The intensity of this orgasm was just too much where even jaemin had to pull his fingers out and let you breathe for a moment.
"You okay, baby?" He asked quietly, kissing your temple as you nodded your head, "Can you give nana one more then?" Not wanting to stop, you nodded without a thought causing jaemin to smile and lean back.
Jaemin finally got rid of his clothing, crawling back on the bed before giving you a kiss so you wouldn't notice how he slipped his cock inside.
Surprisingly jaemin took his time pushing in, savoring your sweet little moans that drove him crazy. He started and kept a slow pace that made the overwhelming feeling dissolve away. Now you were wrapping your legs around his waist and staring into the soft eyes of jaemins that were just red a second ago.
Every vein against your walls made you feel ecstasy. Jaemin was careful with each thrust and it felt like pure love. They were passionate and he didn't fail to show it.
"Taking nanas cock so well, just like the good girl you are." Jaemin smiled at your beautiful face that contorted into pleasure. Both of your moans filled the room. More cuss words were thrown from you like it was the only thing in your dictionary.
The lewd sounds of your bodys bounced off the walls as jaemin fucked you slow and steady, grabbing your hips gently as he kissed all over your face, neck, and breasts. He sucked on your skin here and there, creating small bruises that looked like a tattoo as you grabbed the back of his head, lifting him up by the hair to bring his face to yours so you could place a kiss to his red lips.
The kiss was sloppy and slow. Neither of you cared though, both focused on your orgasms that kept coming closer.
Jaemins thrusts stuttered and his cock twitched inside you. The hand in jaemins hair pulled and messed up his locks, sure to create a messy sight later on.
" 'm gon-gonna cum." You moaned, lifting your hips up to meet his along the way.
"Cum, princess."
The final orgasm left your body feeling like it was on a cloud while all you saw were stars making jaemin coo at your fucked out face.
Pulling out, jaemin finished on your stomach before letting his body fall next to yours, wrapping an arm around your hips and pulling you into him..
You both panted out of tiredness, neither one bothering to move as you were both spent.
"Did I hurt you, princess? Are you feeling okay?"
You smiled into his chest, "no you didn't hurt me and I feel fine."
"Good." Jaemin smiled, petting your hair before laying his head on top of yours, "Wanna go on a date?"
You swear your heart stopped as your face heated up, "Jaemin, you're doing everything backwards."
"So is that a yes or no?"
"Of course its a yes!"
It was a peaceful restaurant that jaemin brought you to, saying it was supposed to be a place a lot of couples went to which you thought was absolutely sweet of him.
"So...uh." jaemin looked anywhere but your face like he didn't just have sex with you for the second time.
You snickered and sipped the drink in your hand, "Why are you so awkward all of a sudden? Its just me."
"I know it's just- I feel like I can't say what I wanna say because I'm afraid." Jaemin sighed.
"Of what exactly?" You placed the drink down, watching as jaemin fumbled with the menu before he covered his mouth and mumbled something you coulsnt quite grasp, "What did you say?"
"...nothing."
"Jaemin."
His doe eyes stared into yours like it was some sort of contest, wanting you to look away first but you and he did, "Alright fine. I said I'm a bit nervous if I were to ask you out."
Tilting your head to the side, you puffed your cheeks out in confusion, "Why?"
"The last relationship I had, the girl cheated on me. Afterwards she said it was because i wasn't good enough." He frowned, returning his attention back to the menu where you presumed was his hiding place for the time being.
"Well she's a bitch and is missing out on an amazing person." You pushed the menu down, "Is that why you acted that way when you saw jeno and I at the cafe? Did you think I thought you weren't good enough?"
Jaemin nodded slowly, "Kind of. I didn't want to lose someone I loved again."
"Loved? Na jaemin-"
"Dont say it." He groaned.
"You've gotten soft! Does this mean what I think it means?" You quirked a suggestive brow at him causing him to put his head in his hand.
"Yes, ill be your boyfriend." He said in his hand before you took it away and grabbed his face to kiss him. "I- princess when did you become do confident?"
"When did you become so shy?"
"Fair point."
Everything felt right all of a sudden. No more of jaemin being your bully. No more coffee being poured on your head. No more stupid high school drama that wasn't even drama in the first place. It was all right for once. And you couldnt say you could complain. After weeks, you got what you struggled to have before; na jaemin.
#you honestly dont need to read the last part🧍♀️#it was just something soft#whoever actually likes this story#why? i feel like its trash😭#nct#nct smut#nct fluff#nct 127#nct 127 smut#nct 127 fluff#nct dream#nct dream smut#nct dream fluff#nct u#nct 2020#wayv#wayv smut#wayv fluff#na jaemin#na jaemin nct#na jaemin smut#jaemin smut#jaemin nct#jaemin nct dream
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Heres the small teaser for chapter 18 of The Chemicals between us. Keep strong guys! Over 4000 words in!
Junkrat was lying on his back half underneath the hydraulic lift with an array of tools scattered around him “Ok just hear me out right, say like the big fuck off killing machine suddenly turns. Waddya do?”
“His name is bastion.” Mei corrected him.
“Whatever-whaddya do?”
“Bastion wont do that, and neither would Zenyatta for that matter”
“Pretty sure they said that before the bots started killing everything with a pulse.”
“Can we talk about something else?” Mei stood beside him, his legs at least, she could not see his upper body.”
Well excuse me for making sure you know how to survive in a life or death situation.
Mei smiled knowingly, "I think I can handle myself.
He pulled himself from under the lift, dots of oil speckled his face as he grinned up at her. “I'm sure you can snowflake..you punch hard enough.”
“You're never going to let that go are you?” Mei asked, returning the smile.
“Nah. Never. Now see what I would do is take that pigeon as bait and-”
“Jamison.”
“Alright alright, don't come crying to me when it all goes south.”
“I hope you fixed that lift if you reckon you got time to chat away lad.” Torbjorns voice called from the opposite end of the workshop
“On a break aren't i?”
No breaks till that baby is going up n down without a squeak, ya hear?
“Im sorry Mr Lindholm i'm causing a distraction.” Mei apologised with a small bow
“See? Blame her.” Junkrat complained, sitting up and grabbing a rag close by, he wiped his face and the oil specks now looked like streaks of warpaint. “What ya doing here anyways?”
A band of oil crossed over one of his eyes, the contrast of black against bright amber irises distracting her momentarily. “Hm?”
“Well, I guess you didn't just come here to get me in trouble.” He joked, standing up.
“Oh? You need help with that?” Mei teased back.
“Look, im being a good boy and don't need you coming here mucking it up.”
She giggled lightly and absentmindedly tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Something about that small, unexceptional action instantly struck out at him, he just couldn't put his finger on why and that was gonna piss him off till he figured it out.
“Actually I came here to use the propane torch, the blaster could use some repairs.”
“Ah yeah right your lil water pistol.” He laughed, ignoring her ‘Hmph!’ “Bet ya wished you had that few days ago, mind you i’d be worse off.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re that quick to throw a right hook its only fair to assume you got an itchy trigger finger. I’d bet you woulda speared me right through the skull!”
“Don't you have a job to do?” She replied coolly.
“Not anymore.” He said, casually tossing a wench behind him. Torbjorn swore loudly as it landed with a clang. “Soo…” He said nonchalantly, leaning on the desk where Mei had set up to work on her blaster, she had put safety goggles on and was testing the flame of the propane burner. “..Ya know how to handle a tool that big?”
She blinked a couple of times before the joke dawned on her. “Oh..oh my god..” Mei whimpered, putting down the torch and covering her goggle-covered eyes. “That was so bad, please stop smiling.”
“I’m not.” It was a lie, he could barely contain his laughter. “You made it weird..I was just making sure you know what you’re doing.”
“Yes thank you!” She said quickly, hoping not to encourage him further. “I did work on an ecopoint in the middle of Antarctica, fixing things was part of the job.”
“What's an ecopoint?”
It was an overwatch science initiative..” Mei began to explain, testing the flame again. “Ecopoints were set up across the globe to study the climate in each area.
“Kay..so why did you end up here? Wouldnt ya rather be at one of those?”
“Unfortunately they were all shut down along with overwatch.” She quickly began to work on melding the metal around the barrel, hoping that making herself look busy would deter him from prodding the subject. It wasn't like she didn't want to tell him, it just did not feel like the best time, wielding an incredibly hot flame, Torbjorn grumbling to himself in the background. It was too casual to reveal that part of her life.
The problem piece of metal she was working on fell off onto the worktop with a clang, the edges glowing bright from the heat. Mei knew he was watching her and was half preparing what to say back when he would no doubtedly make fun of her skills. She picked up a spare piece of metal and sautered it in place of the problem piece.
“Yer full a surprises aren't ya?” He commented as he watched her.
Mei paused slightly and looked up at him through her goggles. “What do you mean?”
“Like..you're super smart yeah? Book smarts right? Then ya doing all this and that's a different smarts like Brig and Torb. Don't get huffy but its not what I expected from ya.”
“Thanks.” Mei mumbled, smiling shyly and tucking her hair behind her ear again.
“Ooo Fuck thats why ya hair looks weird!”
“Excuse me?!”
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~ON PRIMAL EGOS OF THE ZODIAC~
Aries Primal Ego- You cant ignore me! Why arent you answering the phone at half ring? What's taking you longer than a few seconds to entertain me? Who is more important than me? Ignoring me for a few minutes means I dont mean anything to you. Look, I dont even need you AT ALL!! you being able to access my time and attention is a goddamn priviledge. You dont even have half my balls to earn it.
Taurus Primal Ego- How dare you tell me to hurry up! In my world the time slows down for me. What makes you think you can make me move at your beck and call?
"Asap" does not apply to me. Dont ever nag me to quicken my pace or I wont even budge until that kind of disrespect has died a violent death. I will move slowly until I am comfortable at the rate I am moving.
Gemini Primal Ego- You are not even that interesting or stimulating. I am near dead out of boredom yet I stayed for you hoping to find something below that painfully basic intellect of yours. I entertained myself by entertaining other conversations in my head while you talk just so I can weather that level of intelligence. (Or lack thereof).
Cancer Primal Ego- You are unworthy of my care, cooking and mothering. I held on to you until it would have killed me.
You do not deserve to be invited in my home- I cant believe I cried on your shoulder. You do not deserve to see me in that level of vulnerability! I am ashamed that I even took care of you. Me taking care of you is like winning the lottery! I would have given you my soul, my love, my heart and my tears of pearls for fuck's sake. I could have born you the most well taken cared of children and gift you the kind of family anyone can only dream of!!
Leo Primal Ego- You cant outshine, eclipse or upstage me dahling. You are just a tiny speck of dust dependent on my brilliance and light for direction. You are nothing without my generosity, peasant. Dont talk to me like you know my struggle in keeping this crown on my head. No, we are not close until I accept you in my inner circle. Until I say we are you orbit away from me. I'll send you solar flares if I need you to serve me but dont hold your breath waiting. Right now there's a much better peasant than you who deserves the charity of my time and attention. But tell me, Dont I look golden in my dress and mane?
Virgo Primal Ego~ I am the neatest and most outwardly calibrated individual you will ever meet. You cant be better than me. Everything you do is wrong. I can see it glaring like the neon lights in Las Vegas. Its repulsive! If i stare too long at your flaws im going to list them down and have anxiety attacks in my sleep.
I cant believe you have lived without planning every moment, everyday, every month and every year of your life. No wonder you are such a loser. Dont even worry outgrowing it. You cant do anything worth a penny unless I help you FIX every single thing that is wrong with you.
Libra Primal Ego- Who is the fairest of them all? Its me. I am loved by all because who wouldnt? Im beautiful, diplomatic, refined, elegant and perfumed by a thousand scents too! Its not my indecision thats the problem, the problem is being able to have everything I want offered to me on a silver platter.
It must be my great beauty. That is my superpower. I am flawless and impeccable. This is why I choose all when I cant decide. An exquisite goddess like me deserves all luxurious offerings.
Scorpio Primal Ego- You think you can lie to the greatest crime scene investigator of all time? I can take one look at you and see the blueprints of lies on your tongue! Look at me, these eyes are infrared! I can see through that weak soul of yours! I can uncover all your secrets but i didnt! I wanted to save you some respect even though deep down you know your secrets make you unworthy of my intense devotion!
Sagittarius Primal Ego - You were the only one whom I tethered my freedom for! I could be out experiencing three different sunsets in one day! But here I am tied up the rope myself so my mind couldn't wonder about the adventures and exciting travels I left beyond the fence FOR YOU! I could leave you anytime.
Like Now.
Capricorn Primal Ego- You cant make me feel emotions unless its about money, traditions being challenged, and status quo being questioned. I cant even with you. I have earned my rights to not change my points of view at any given time. Im not saying out loud that I have superior intellect because I dont buy your new beliefs and theories. I just think it does not carry equal weight to what's long been tested and tried with.
Aquarius Primal Ego - I am like light years ahead of you. Steps away from where you are, scientifically. Dont teach me your common ways. I cannot live with myself knowing I obeyed a single rule that opposes my rebellious nature. There's no fulfillment in submission. You have never truly lived unless you have overthrown an imaginary dictator, a stupid rule or an oppressive regime. (Even if its just in computer games.)
Pisces Primal Ego - I am psychic and definitely the least impressionable person on earth!! The only reason you get past my truth radar was because I chose to do a little self sacrifice.
No you couldnt hurt me, you have no power to.
Im not even mentally present all the time to feel the pain. That is my secret power. My ability to escape at will.
Art by Deborah Klein
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Obi Wan x Padawan Reader Never Lie to Me
Pairing: Sith Obi Wan Kenobi x padawan reader
Summary : Reader misplaces something important and tries to find it before her Master can find out.
Warnings: language, sexual themes, *slight smut*
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Hello my loves! Ok so I absolutely love Sith obi wan but for some reason I struggle to write him. I tried something and hopefully it's not complete trash like I think it is lol anywaaaaaaays enjoy😚
18+ readers only!
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Oh this was bad...this was very very bad....
Okay y/n don't freak out, you can hide this! You can totally hide this!!
Fuck no you couldn't
You groaned sliding down the wall of your chambers. How could you be so stupid?! Losing your lightsaber like that?! Did you have a death wish?!
You could only imagine how enraged your master would be.. you shook your head violently dissipating the horrible thoughts.
No no no, it would not come to that becasue you would find it. It probably fell somewhere by your speeder. Yeah it's there for sure.....probably.....
Sighing you stood up and grabbed a cloak to cover your hip and the usual missing weapon spot that hung there.
You couldn't help but imagine all the horrible scenarios that ran through your mind if Master kenobi found out.
One included merciless unending training, not letting you rest for even a moment.
Another image had you bent over his knee whilst he.... ughhh you could already feel the sting.
Your master and you had a...unique relationship to say the least... he was your master in the ways of the dark side, so you had a strict student master dynamic during training.
He took your training very seriously, leaving little room for error. But as some point his punishments got more....creative..
You couldn't help but feel your face heat up remembering that time you screwed up a mission and he saw to your reprimanding. From then on your relationship became more....personal.
He didnt give you any special treatment, and didnt allow any distractions during training. But the times after training...when he would call you to his chambers and.....
You couldn't help but feel your heart skip a beat, or two, or twenty, and you couldn't help but to recall those moments..
That scent...
Those whispers..
His fingers.....
"What are you thinking about?" A smooth voice cut through your indecent thoughts like butter. You whipped around startled that the man in question was now standing right behind you.
Quickly you made sure your shields were up, something you had made sure to refine. You didnt want him hearing all your dirty thoughts during training...
"I-I was just thinking about the mission.." you took a step back trying to regain your composure. Why did you always manage to act like a floundering idiot when he was around?!
"Hmm, is it really the mission that has you so flustered?" He mused stepping closer.
"Or something else?"he smirked knowingly.
Bastard, he must've read my thoughts before I realized he was here...
"It's-" you attempted to change the subject before he cut you off.
"And I know you know better than to lie to me don't you?" He said slightly more serious. A familiar dark edge to his voice.
You gulped, "Yes master..."
"I was thinking of other things..." you trail off averting your gaze hoping he wouldnt make you say it out loud.
Although he'd technically seen you naked quite a few times now, you still felt so embarrassed regarding anything or your "intimate moments". This was due mostly to the many embarrassing things he made you do....well ok to be fair you didnt REALLY try to stop him...but the second those moments were over you could barely look him in the eyes.
You felt those familiar warm finger gently lift your chin. You met his deep gaze,
"Speaking of other things...you did rather well on the mission, we were able to conquer the planet thanks to your efforts, so I suppose a reward is in order...dont you agree darling?" He whispered the last part in your ear making you shiver slightly.
Oh how you enjoyed those rewards of his...quite possibly the only time he would treat you gently. Well there were those times he wasnt so gentle either...actually maybe you liked those more...
AH WAIT WHAT AM I DOING, I NEED TO FIND MY SABER!!
You place you hands on his chest and gently push.
"A-actually master I wondered if I might have your permission to leave the ship I..wanted too...look around a bit more before we have to leave!" You hurriedly came up with an excuse.
He stepped back, eyeing you for a moment before nodding his approval, "Alright, be back before nightfall" he warned and continued walking down the hall.
As soon as he was out of sight you let out a sigh of relief. Hopefully he bought that story. You quickly made your way to the ship's exit and onto the lush planet known as Misano.
Normally you would've liked a chance to explore and maybe even sneak some souvenirs back. But you had no time for that now. If you didnt find that saber soon you were toast. And it didnt help that Misano turned from a tropical paradise to a frozen tundra trap by nightfall. It was truly a unique planet.
But you could admire it another time, preferably when your life wasn't on the line...
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You looked up at the setting sky as dread washed over you. You had scoured and searched for your blasted saber for hours but it was no use. You had retraced your steps multiple times and even question some of the citizens to see if they knew anything.
You didnt want to even humor the idea but now it was the most likely truth. Some lowlife had probably picked it up and would soon be rolling in credits.
You pulled your cloak tighter around you as the wind started to pick up. You knew you should start to head back before it got too cold but honestly freezing to death sounded better than whatever punishment you master would enforce...
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You were now full on shivering as you made your way back to the ship. The sun had set long ago and you now knew why everyone kept warning you to get inside. Your boots the only reason you could trudge through the many layers of snow.
You must've questioned every suspicious looking citizen however no luck. Your saber was probably gone forever and on top of that punishment you were sure your master was going to be angry that you disobeyed and stayed out later than he permissed.
Ughh I should just let myself freeze over...
Another half an hour later you finally made it back to the ship. Immediately you dragged yourself through the halls to your room and ordered your droid servant to run a hot bath. You were extremely lucky that master kenobi hadn't spotted you yet.
You could barely feel anything and felt horribly tired. Even the steam rising from afar felt like heaven as it reached your frost bitten skin.
You removed your practically stiff cloak but had no energy for the rest so you plopped fully clothed into the steaming water, immediately sighing in relief as you slowly felt feeling returning to all parts of your body.
You rested your head back and took a deep breath, inhaling the warm air.
*achoo* fuck...
you could already feel your nose becoming stuffed and there was a slight scratch in your throat. Perfect, getting sick was just what you needed.
After you were fully warmed up, you drained the water and lazily wrapped a fluffy towel around you. You felt the exhaustion of the mission plus everything afterwards tenfold as soon as your body hit the mattress.
You spread out lazily letting the cool sheets relax your now warmed body, covers discarded on the floor.
Your eyes drooped slowly closed once, focused on the space by the end of your bed, you tried to fight off sleep but it was proving difficult,
You opened them but slowly they drooped closed again,
The third time however you saw a blurry outline of a man.
"M-master!" Like a rocket you sat up, heart beating out of your chest. You quickly pulled up the towel over your chest.
"Y-you scared me..." You placed a hand over your beating chest trying to catch your breath. You had been too tired to even sense him coming.
He stood with his arms crossed, an unreadable expression on his face. "I distinctly remember telling you to be back before dark did I not?" He stepped closer until he was right at the end of the bed.
Oh Crap hes mad.... you sat up a little straighter trying to ignore the fact you were practically naked in front of him.
"I'm sorry master, the time got away from me..." your mouth feeling unnaturally dry as the lie left your lips.
You hated lying to him. Well you hated what usually happened when you lied to him and he found out....
He eyed you silently before leaning over the bed intimidatingly close. He leaned next to your ear before speaking,
"You're lying" a dangerous edge to his voice now
You felt your heart stop and a rush of panic fill you. Fuck fuck fuck.
Slowly he came back into view.
His eyes were a threatning color now. A silent deadly warning to choose your next words carefully. You had just broken his one rule. And he knew...
You felt a million emotions running through you. Fear, for getting caught breaking his most important rule. Shame for being stupid enough to lose something so important. And Guilt for lying to the one person you never ever wanted to lie too...
"Ah I-I'm Sorry!!" You blurted out suddenly. "I-I didn't mean too! But so much was going on with the mission!! A-and I must've been distracted and I swear I tried master I really did! B-but no one knew anything and then it started getting dark and cold a-and I didnt know what to do so I came back, but I didnt want you to be disappointed or mad so I didnt tell you the truth and I'm so so so sorry!!" You bowed your head breathing heavily, hardly realizing that your explanation made no sense. Your eyes shut tightly shielding you from his whatever horrible expression he surely had on his face.
A few moments of dreadful silence passed before you felt him shift.
"Look at me" you barely felt the ghostly touch of his fingers guide your chin up.
You sucked in a nervous breathe when you realized you were only inches from his face. His eyes were dark and penetrating. Whenever he looked at you like this you felt completely exposed. Like he could see right through your soul.
"Now calm down and tell me the truth little one" he said dangerously calm. Sometimes that was even scarier then when he yelled...
Taking a deep breathe you gathered your wits and with a deeply ashamed tone you confessed, "I lost my lightsaber.." you could feel burning at the corner of your eyes but you continued through it, "I looked for it everywhere but..." you looked down again dejectedly. What a dumb apprentice I am.. hes probably so disappointed in me.. "I'm sorry Master.."
You waited for what felt like hours until he spoke, "I know" he said in an even tone.
Your eyes shot open in surprise, "w-what?"
"How many times must I remind you nothing happens without me knowing about it."
"So then..." he knew you were lying all along...
"Yes my apprentice" he grasped your chin slightly harder now but still somehow gentle, "When will you learn..." he slowly ran his thumb over your bottom lip, dragging it down, "that you can't hide anything from me.." he said, his voice barely above a whisper.
"I know..I'm sorry, I was just afrai-" he cut you off with a sharp slap to your thigh.
"What have I told you about lying to me?" he caressed your bare thigh making it harder for you to focus.
"That-that I am never to lie to you...no matter what..." your breath hitched as his hand inched closer across your thigh and to your most sensitive area. However just when he was inches away he abruptly removed all contact.
You immediately felt sad at the loss.
"Exactly, and yet you did exactly that" he nodded his head, "I'm disappointed little one, especially since if you had told the truth..." he reached behind him grabbing something and bringing it forward, "you could've saved yourself alot of trouble"
You let out a gasp, "My saber!!" He let you take it from his grasp, you beamed finally feeling whole again.
"But how did you..?" You asked confused where and how he had found it.
"It fell when you jumped on your speeder during the battle" he explained nodding slightly in exasperation.
So this whole time he had it?! And that means he knew all day that you.....
"I shouldnt have lied" you apologized sincerely. "I just didn't want to disappoint you..especially since I did so well on the mission..." you mustered the best regretful expression you could. "Are you angry with me...?" You couldn't help but ask.
After a moment he smiled slightly, resting his rough palm on your cheek, "No..well not anymore, I was more upset that you risked your health by staying out too long, however I do sense your deep regret, so this time I'll let it slide"
Whoa did I hear that correctly, hes going to let it slide?? My master?? Had he hit his head during battle??
"Thank you Master, I promise it won't happen again" you meant it this time.
"Oh I know it wont pet" you shivered at the pet name he called you. He suddenly force pulled you closer until you were basically straddling him. You let out a shriek.
"Because this time.." he placed a firm hand on the back of your neck pulling you in for a possessive kiss.
He pulled away slightly and you felt his hot breathe by your ear, "I'll make sure you remember what happens when you don't." Suddenly you were on you back, towel thrown across the room.
"Whaa what?! I thought you said I was off the hook?!" You blushed fiercely as he force held your hands and legs to each corner and stood back to admire your helpless form.
He smirked wickedly, "I said you were off the hook for staying out too late.. however..." you gasped as you felt invisible fingers begin to tease your most sensitive area.
"For lying to me.." he eyed you with a gaze now hooded with lust and a dangerous glint, "You will be punished until I am certain you've learned your lesson my darling..."
***************************************************Thanks for reading!! I had alot of trouble writing sith obi wan but I tried my best. Let me know if you guys liked this enough and want to see similar Sith obi wan x apprentice fics. Alsoooo 👀if enough people want a mini 18+ continuation of the *cough* punishment.....lemme know🙈
#obi wan x oc#obi wan x y/n#obi wan imagine#obi wan x reader#sith obi wan kenobi#sith obi wan x reader#master#padawan#apprentice#oneshot#clone wars#ewan mcgregor#obi wan kenobi#x reader#fanfic#obi wan kenobi x reader#obi wan smut#obi wan x you#obi-wan x reader#obi-wan kenobi#sith obi wan#obi wan fic#self insert#star wars fic#love#obi-wan#obi-wan smut#obi-wan fic#punish#never lie to me
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I’m Crazy...
I’m insane...
I've lost the plot..
I'm hopeless..
I'm worthless..
I'm unloveable..
I'm pathetic..
I'm weird..
I'm strange..
I'm not okay...
I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)
BUT...
I AM!!!
Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...
oh woe is me! am i right?
well... thats where you're wrong!
(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)
I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!
i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.
i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.
Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)
In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.
The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!
i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.
depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.
A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.
As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)
This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!
Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.
my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.
They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.
so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.
heres how i cope...
Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.
For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.
Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.
It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.
it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.
i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.
i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.
i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.
because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.
you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!
nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.
i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.
i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)
In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!
everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.
everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!
Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.
do what makes YOU happy!
live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.
open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.
but remember most importantly:
You ARE NOT Alone..
You ARE NOT Crazy..
You ARE NOT insane..
You HAVE NOT lost the plot..
You ARE NOT hopeless..
You ARE NOT worthless..
You ARE NOT unloveable..
You ARE NOT pathetic..
You ARE NOT weird..
You ARE NOT a psycho..
You ARE NOT strange..
And..
You ARE okay...
You ARE Beautiful..
You ARE Worth it..
YOU ARE Loved
i hope this helps...
thank you ☺
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🐍 abel 👹🍏🍇vasily 🔮☀️ tal
thanks king <3
abel:
🐍 Is your OC a good liar? How easy is it for them to tell lies? What is the biggest lie they’ve ever told and did they ever get found out? On the other hand, what is the biggest lie someone has told your OC and did they believe them?
OK Well they arent really developed yet but umm abel is one of my nicer ocs so they wouldnt lie out of malicious intent or to manipulate people BUT in stressful situations they would try and convince themselves that everythings fine even though it Obviously isnt to try and stay calm which i dont think counts as lying but well. its smth. going off of that maybe theyd lie abt theit own wellbeing to other people just to keep them calm
vasily:
👹 How does you OC act around different people and how does their personality change to match the environment they’re in? How do they act with: friends, family, strangers, children or their lover(s)?
vasily has a weird relationship with their family and doesnt stay in contact not out of avoidance they just dont deem in necessary i think. they generally ignore strangers and dont bother talking to them unless they get Really Bored ans decide to fuck w people. when a stranger DOES decide to pester them vasily just starts being cryptic and weird to scare ppl for fun. around friends he is surprisignly nicer but that doesnt say a lot lol drops the weird act to make fun of them instead. but also he is just a weirdo still its just less creepy and scary when you know him . he is the nicest and most open w his boyfriend but they still tease each other a bunch its jist the least threatening from vasilys end
🍏 When your OC says “I had a bad day” what does that tend to mean? Is it really as bad as they’re saying or are they being a bit dramatic?
OK well vasily passively denies his own trauma and doesnt acknowledge anything bad happening to him 99% of the time bc hes used to seeing fucked up shit from being raised into hunting monsters. also i guess the being an avatar part dillutes those feelings too. so if you on the rare occasion DO hear him say that (ie watching his boyfriend die but shes fine now?) it was. genuinely really bad
🍇 Does your OC have any bad habits? Does your OC have any addictions like smoking or drinking? How did they fall into these habits and why?
oh they smoke but thankfully isnt in any health danger bc avatar rights. anyway the wiki talks abt the hunt being like an addiction for hunters so i guess i can talk about that. not really their fault for falling into it bc avatar family BUT they worsen it awfully by going way too far into their head after self isolating and as a result pretty much completely devotes themselves to hunting for like 2 and a half years like they straight up werent a person functionally. it took some physical trauma to snap them out of it and realize Maybe I Would Like To Atleast Live As a Person Half The Time. but it takes a bunch of work for them to feel and act. normalish. establishing relationships again is what helps the most bc self isolation drove them to being like that in the first place and i always joke about this but i think getting pets to take care of is also smth that calms them down
taliesin:
🔮What does your OC think is their best trait. What is actually their best trait? What about their flaws? Are they one to admit these flaws or do they like to pretend they’re perfect?
he isnt much of a narcissist usually BUT he does think his looks r the best thing abt him he is really pretty. his actual best trait i think is his persistence n willingness to dig deep to find out the truth and devoting a lot of time and energy to it. as for worst traits id say th fact that he just does not talk about his own problems because hes scared of ppls reactions and prefers to deal with them alone. also around other sylvari (except those close to him) he is an uncharacteristic people pleaser like he doesnt seem like one at ALL bc hes scared of more rejection BUT after not living in the grove for a while he eventually stops with that
☀️ How well does your OC take care of themself? Do they tend to put others before their own wellbeing and if so how often? What is their favourite way to pamper themself?
he is pretty normal on this front except again if its w other sylvari but its not as extreme as completely neglecting himself and his own needs. his favorite way to pamper himself is to take a lazy day off and spend time w his pets
#i am just i am just sitting here#sorry if any kf this is incoherent i just write down whatevers jn my head <3#asks#abel (oc)#vasily (oc)#taliesin (oc)
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"so, you met the sprog yet?" Allison asked
"sprog?
"the baby up there . He's kind cute actually- considering that he's a - “
"baby? what baby? I havent seen any baby why would a baby be here ali? “
" the baby monster? Andrew's kid? Didn't you know, you didn't did you? Did he think he came with no strings attached? she nearly laughed
“Andrew's kid? No ,That can't be right? You must mean someone else. He doesn't have kids ,”
" you really didn't know? Those three got a baby rooming with them and im
telling you it's Andrews. a minyard baby"
"that's ridiculous ali he would've told me something like that”
“Go and see for yourself if you don't believe me.
"Apparently you lot are hiding a kid up here “ he accused the monsters still not really believing it which is why he found himself surprised when Nicky protested" ." we're not hiding him he's allowed to stay with us. " he had partially excepted it to be a joke
"Allison reckons that's he's yours “ he remarked to Andrew icily , annoyed at being the last to know that even Allison whom andrew veremently disliked knew before him. it felt like a deliberate slight
"does she now? “ said andrew expressionless
"why didn't you tell me? “ he hated how whining that sounded
“I don't see how it's any of your business" Andrew told him flatly”
“ it wouldnt change things ,you know”
wouldn't it ?“ Andrew raised an eyebrow” Do you want to see to him? This secret little boy of mine? is that it? Interesting. I didn't take you for the "meet family" type. You're too late anyway . He’s already asleep . I'm not going to wake him up just so you can gawp at him. He'll only scream the place down. "
"so,it's true then . There is a kid in here . Who's is it?"
" mine-" Andrew replied it a dark look "-and don't call him" it." . His name is Aaron ."
"you ignored the question" Neil pointed out. Andrew’s look darkened even further.
"come back tomorrow if you really want to meet him -Or don't . I won't care either way. “
"I don't believe that"
"Believe whatever you want. get of my room loudmouth . there's a child trying to sleep in here you know.
Andrew was sat on sofa the following morning with a buddle in his arms. He wordlessly motioned to Neil to sit next to him . Nicky was on the opposite side watching them closely
”this is Aaron." Andrew explained gruffly "indicating the blanket swaddled bundle he cradled" he is my brother. " he carefully held him up so Neil could see a little face and head of fair hair the rest covered under fuzzy blankets." looksee "
Neil gazed obediently at the infant. Andrew seem to waiting for a reaction but he was unsure of what was he expected to say
" your brother? so he's not... I thought... You said he was yours"
"he is. My brother. " he said like that was the obvious conclusion all along . "I don't fuck women I thought I made that perfectly clear to you at least"
I just.. I never know you had a brother is all"
"neither did I. Until after the crash." he turned to glare at Nicky at that but his gaze quickly softened again when he refocused his attention to the bundle on his lap he began to rock it gently back and forth " well? have nothing to say for once? you wanted to see him." he felt he should pay the bundle a compliment to appease andrew but he couldn't think of what to say. It looked like alien. Andrew had told him not to to lie to him but doubted statements on weird appearence of the parts he could see of the blanket covered infant would be appreciated when Andrew gazed so fondly at it.
"He's.. He is... Very... Small." Neil attempted. Andrew made a sound half way between a laugh and a huff of frustration. Yes. He is that. Observant as always " he remarked coldly.
"you everyone thinks he's-"
"I don't care what they think. Why should I?"
.The bundle wriggled and made a sound not quite a cry but more a grizzle . "oh now look, you woke him" Andrew growled
"I did?"
"Hello " andrew murmured gently at the baby as he stirred changing tone effortlessly " "hello Aaron." neil watched silently marviling at the unfamiliar softness the bundle provoked from the Andrew
“say hello to Aaron " andrew ordered coldly. large eyes blinked up at neil from andrews arms ."hello" Neil awkwardly greeted the bundle. The bundle gurgled incoherently in response .
" I know " Andrew answered fondly as if he understood the noise ." he is so stupid " Neil snorted and rolled his eyes knowing the gibe was directed at him but he couldn't help feeling emotional watching them both as andrew continued to rock the baby
Andrew holding a baby was not a sight he thought he'd ever see especially when he looked so serene about it. Andrew's smile was warm and loving a million miles a way from twisted smirks he was used to seeing on Andrew's face. His eyes shone bright with genuine happiness when a tiny pink fist reached out from the blanket cocoon and gripped his thumb.
" do you want to hold him?" Nicky asked Neil
"no!" Andrew hissed curling over the child protectively. "you can't. You'll make him cry. He only likes me holding him. "
" Neil won't hurt him " Nicky coaxed
"no , no ,Andrew's right. I.. I shouldnt.." neil stammered backing away. Alarmed by the sudden anger. He didn't particularly want to hold the bundle anyhow.
"okay, then. if youre sure.. . actually I think he needs changing anyway..,'drew let me.." Nicky reached for the bundle with imploring look.
"no!" growled Andrew again " dont touch him!"
"Andrew.. .he needs... “
" I know what he needs. I can do it. Get out of here. Leave us alone" he snarled shielding the baby to his chest. Neil gave Nicky a look. Nicky held his gaze and shrugged " if you want. Are sure you know how to... " Nicky started
"of course I do. Didn't you hear? I said get. out. Both of you get out."
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Don’t You Love Me Now?
wow this acct is back from the dead after a yr bc its @letanafuck week and i plan on... hopefully... writing some kinks that i wouldnt on my main (but still horny) acct
todays prompt was old/young which tbh ive written abt on multiple accts before (two ghosts on here and scars & shadow both on my main) but u know. i gotta let ana fuck. so heres more new Content ig
ao3
Pairing: Anamercy
Rating: M
Words: 3.5k+
When she looks down to meet Angela’s eyes, one leg moving to hook over her lover’s shoulder, she does so over the same body which survived the Omnic Crisis, which bore a child, which once was unmarked, unmarred, but thoroughly untested. Now, despite the shifting geography of her form, new marks and rolls appearing over time, she knows her body better than she did when she was younger, is far more at peace with who she is.
Or,
Angela may be getting older, but Ana realizes that she herself is just plain getting old, and isn't quite sure how to feel about it.
Aging was something that snuck up on Ana—a grey hair here, an age spot there, change so gradual that she did not notice it in herself, never taking the time to observe any one change in particular until, one day, she realized that she had come to look entirely different—and this does not bother her, particularly. If she cared about any of it, she would have taken more note as it were happening, but it is one thing to recognize signs of aging in oneself, and quite another to see them in one’s lover, particularly when said lover is notably younger than oneself.
When Ana began to notice wrinkles around her own eyes, it did not bother her at all—if anything, she was pleasantly surprised to realize that, despite the Omnic Crisis, and all that followed, she had lived long enough to have any—but it does bother her, shortly upon being reunited, when she sees those same lines around Angela’s eyes. Were anyone to ask her why, she could not say, because she does not find them unattractive, nor is it particularly surprising that Angela might have a laugh line or two at her age, but there is a nagging worry there, something she cannot quite put a name to which bothers her nonetheless.
That same feeling returns two weeks later, when, while Angela is looking for clothing for some event or another, Ana notices that one of her favorite dresses, memorable if only for how its bright color stands in contrast to the rest of her wardrobe, is conspicuously absent. In response to Ana’s inquiring as to where it went, Angela just laughs, shrugging off the question by saying that in the past three years or so she went up a size or two, and that she does not mind it much, given her age, thinks it is only to be expected. There is little reason to press the issue, particularly given that Ana quite likes Angela’s current weight, and does not want to give the impression that she feels otherwise, but still there is that something about the statement.
Another three weeks go by and Angela is frowning into the mirror at herself, fingers pushing her bangs out of the way so she can more carefully examine the roots of her hair. While Ana cannot see precisely what her lover is doing, from her place outside the doorway of the bathroom, she has a fairly good idea.
“Staring won’t make the greys go away,” she says, and watches in some amusement as Angela drops her hands quickly, almost guiltily, turning at once to face her. That amusement fades quickly when she sees the expression on Angela’s face, far from happy.
“Are they that obvious?” she sounds almost resigned as she says it, crossing an arm over herself in a way that Ana knows, by now, means she is nervous as well, “I hoped that maybe they wouldn’t be so obvious, in the blonde, but—”
“They’re not,” Ana reassures her, before she can continue the thought, “I wouldn’t have even brought it up if you didn’t seem so worried about it.”
“Ah,” says Angela, but it doesn’t seem to calm her any, for she bites her lip and turns her gaze away, towards the shower in the corner. There is a considerable pause before she speaks again—they have known each other long enough, by now, that Ana knows when to push, and when to wait—but speak she does, “I don’t like it,” says she, “Feeling like I’m getting old. Before you came back I was the oldest woman here, you know.”
Before speaking Ana shifts her weight, rests against the frame of the door, making sure that there is enough room that if Angela wanted to, she could push past, will not feel trapped during the ensuing conversation. If her lover were to ask, that is her reasoning—not that she needed time to gather her thoughts, to choose carefully what to say next, although that is the truth. It would be a lie, she knows, to say that Angela is not getting older, because certainly she is nearing middle age, and it would do neither of them any good to pretend otherwise, but that Angela is older than she once was does not make her old, particularly not in Ana’s eyes. It clicks, then, what has been bothering her: for all that Angela is clearly older, she is still far younger than Ana herself; if Angela is old, what does that make Ana?
“You’re still younger than I was when we met,” says she, and it is true: eighteen years later, and Angela is still five years from the age Ana was then, even though just a few months under half of her life—and less than a third of Ana’s—has passed.
That does not seem to comfort Angela in the slightest, as she is still staring resolutely in the direction of the shower curtain when she speaks next. “That doesn’t make me young,” she argues, and she is not wrong, necessarily, but certainly she cannot seem old to Ana, who only recently began to think of herself as being old.
“No,” agrees Ana, “It certainly doesn’t.” Another pause between them, before Ana asks, carefully, “Is that such a bad thing, though?”
The hand Angela does not have pulled across herself now grips the sink so hard her already pale knuckles turn white, “You tell me.”
“I’m sure I can’t know what you mean,” Ana tells her, and tries not to sound too sharp, even if the comment immediately puts her on the defensive. Outside of the subject of work, of their differing interpretation of what is right and what is wrong, the two of them rarely argue, but on the rare occasion that they do, neither is inclined to mince words.
“What are we doing here, Ana? Sneaking around, never talking about our relationship in front of anyone, keeping everything a secret the way we always have,” she turns, suddenly, to look Ana in the eye, gaze sharp, “It made sense then—with how young I was, and you being so much older—but now? I’m not young anymore, Ana. Why are we still hiding, unless we don’t know what else to be?”
“Angela,” she begins more sharply than she wants to, pauses and takes a breath before continuing, “There was a rather stringent anti-fraternization policy then, if you’ve forgotten, and you haven’t made any mention of our relationship since my return, either. I didn’t know it bothered you.”
Angela opens her mouth as if to object, but Ana is not done, has more to say about the matter, “And your age didn’t have anything to do with my attraction to you—if anything, I was worried I was too old for you.”
“Don’t lie to me,” Angela says, and if she were not so obviously angry it might sound like a plea, “You’ve been strangely quiet every time I’ve mentioned my age since you got back. Did you think I wouldn’t notice?” In her anger, she had straightened up, moved forwards, but now she shrinks into herself again, leans back against the sink when Ana, too surprised by the turn of conversation to argue, does not respond quickly enough, “You don’t have to stay, if you don’t find me attractive anymore.” When she says this, her eyes flick over Ana’s shoulder in the direction of the door.
“I’m not lying,” Ana says, trying not to be annoyed by the accusation, or at least not to show annoyance. “It’s just… become harder to ignore, recently, how very much older than you I am, and always have been. If either of us is too old for the other, it isn’t you.”
Angela laughs, then, relaxing at last, and grins at Ana when she says, “I daresay that’s part of your appeal.”
Hearing that should not surprise Ana, really, not with how eager to please Angela has always been, the way she flushes when Ana calls her a good girl, the age of the various celebrities Angela has mentioned finding attractive before, but it does surprise Ana, nonetheless—perhaps because she always avoided thinking about how young Angela was, preferring to focus, instead, on all the ways in which they were equals.
She really does not know what to make of this.
(Whatever allusions Angela might have made in the past
“That’s… interesting,” is what she settles on, after a considerable pause.
“Does it bother you?” Angela asks her, and Ana is surprised to find that it does not.
“No,” says she, without hesitation, but then, “It’s probably something we should discuss, though.”
“Probably,” Angela agrees easily, and then, stepping forwards to close the gap between them, “Later, though. For now,” she moves a hand upwards, cupping Ana’s jaw and leaning down just slightly so that they are level with one another, “I can show you just how much I appreciate your current age.”
Who is Ana to say no?
In the years prior to their separation, Angela was never interested in taking control, always content to allow Ana to initiate sex and decide the pace; in the ensuing years she has grown bolder, although she has never said why, and Ana has never asked. Seven years ago, Ana would not have wanted this, to be lead backwards and then pushed down onto the bed, for she had so little control of the rapidly unravelling Overwatch that she felt she needed to take it where she could—but now, older still, and maybe even wiser, if she is lucky, it does not seem like such a bad thing to let Angela take control for a short while.
(There is also the fact that it is easier, these days, for her to not be the only active partner. She can only kneel or thrust or do whatever else for so long before she grows sore, and needs to change positions, and Angela stepping up and being less passive is certainly beneficial for the both of them, in that regard.)
So she allows Angela to divest her of her clothing, even if she is moving not nearly so quickly as Ana knows she could, nimble surgeon’s fingers pretending to fumble with the fly of Ana’s trousers, and toying with the hem of her shirt. Ana wants to complain, to urge Angela to just hurry up, to joke that she is not getting any younger, anything if it would make Angela move faster—but she does not know, yet, how far she can push when Angela takes charge, and rather wants to see how their evening will turn out.
Eventually, it seems Angela has had enough with her teasing, and finishes pulling Ana’s clothes from her, kneeling above her on the bed, a knee just outside either hip. Ana shivers, from the cold and the scrutiny both. It is one thing to know that she has aged, and to accept it, but quite another to have just discussed it, and to find oneself wholly bare before another person. When Angela looks at her she will see scars she does not know the origin of, for they have not discussed them since Ana’s return, including a rather grotesque one along her side, a jagged, light depression against the surrounding tissue, will see breasts that never returned to their original firmness after breastfeeding, and have only grown saggier with age, will see an abdomen which was once well muscled and that now, while still strong, does not look so.
(Angela, too, has changed, has more moles in more places than she ever did when she and Ana were first together, and from this angle her weight gain is more visible—even if it is difficult to know which changes in her silhouette are attributable to HRT and which are aging—but Ana is not looking at those things, is watching Angela’s expression as her own body is scrutinized.)
“Beautiful,” she breathes, before bending down to kiss Ana’s neck, one hand moving to cup a breast, and when she says it like that, Ana can believe it. She lingers, with each kiss, moving slowly downwards towards Ana’s breasts, murmuring gentle praises between each kiss, stunning, gorgeous, strong, and it may have been decades since last Ana last let sweet words sweep her off her feet, but the increase in her heartrate is not purely due to arousal.
Perfect, Angela tells her before wrapping her mouth around a nipple. Normally, she would only tease at it, licking it and flicking at it with her tongue, but perhaps emboldened by their earlier conversation, and her admission, this time she sucks at it in earnest, and Ana threads one hand in her hair to encourage her to continue, the other reaching down between the both of them so that she can touch herself.
These days, it takes time for her to be wet enough for a partner to comfortably touch her, and any embarrassment she might once have felt when tending to her own needs during sex has long since faded—and it certainly does not hurt that she knows Angela finds it arousing, a fact which shows as Angela redoubles her efforts at Ana’s breasts.
For several minutes, they are in a holding pattern, nothing escalating between them, and pleasant as it is, Ana finds her patience is beginning to dwindle when suddenly the timing of a particularly hard suck from Angela and her own thumb pressing against her clit coincide, and her hips roll involuntarily, breath hitching in response.
That, finally, is enough to spur Angela into action again, and after a brief—but necessary—pause to fumble around in her bedside drawer in search of lube, continues moving down Ana’s body, lovely whispered into the large pockmark left by shrapnel just below her ribcage, wonderful as Angela’s lips find her cesarean scar, and mine as she moves her hand out of the way and Angela finally, finally reaches her labia.
When she looks down to meet Angela’s eyes, one leg moving to hook over her lover’s shoulder, she does so over the same body which survived the Omnic Crisis, which bore a child, which once was unmarked, unmarred, but thoroughly untested. Now, despite the shifting geography of her form, new marks and rolls appearing over time, she knows her body better than she did when she was younger, is far more at peace with who she is. It may be a surprise to look down and see Angela’s face amongst white pubic hair, but her heartbeat still picks up when Angela traces around her clit in little circles, and she still feels that familiar pull of arousal when she feels Angela’s free hand begins to creep up the inside of her thigh.
(There are, of course, some small concessions made for age—that Angela is careful not to move her hips beyond what is now their maximum comfortable flexibility being the most prominent adjustment. And while once Angela might have dedicated a good deal of time to teasing, she does not do so any longer—it takes Ana longer, now, to come, even with greater stimulation, although those single orgasms are stronger than the multiple ones she might have enjoyed when younger—concentrating immediately on Ana’s clit.)
Years of practice have ensured that Angela knows well what it is that Ana likes, and it is not terribly long before she feels herself beginning to draw close to an orgasm, hips moving in time against her lover’s mouth. If she were the type to beg, she might say more, or please, or something to that effect, but she has never been the type to ask permission for anything, and particularly not permission to come, when she has always worked at least as hard as her lovers to ensure that she orgasms.
Instead she presses insistently at the back of Angela’s head with one hand, pulling at her hair in the way her lover enjoys, brings her free hand up to her breasts, tenses her thighs in anticipation, holds her breath and—
—Does not come.
A deep breath in, and out, and she tries again to let go, good eye closing this time as she focuses inwards, tries only to feel, not the sweat on her skin or the cold on her nipples—still damp—but the tension of her approaching orgasm, the pressure of Angela’s mouth on her, the warmth and wetness and pleasure.
She is right there, and she thinks yes, please yes, I need—
—Yet, still, she does not come.
After some thirty seconds, she has to breathe properly again, and she untenses her thighs for a moment as she resists the urge to huff in annoyance; normally, this would be enough, and she still feels like she is there, like she could come at any moment, but for all that she tries the orgasm which is so close eludes her.
Angela must notice something, her frustration or the movement or the way her grip on her lover’s hair tightened and then relaxed because she looks up, for a moment, asking, “Is something wrong?”
“No,” Ana is quick to reply, and then, embarrassed, but firm enough that it is a request and absolutely not a question, “I just need a bit more, sometimes, now that I’m older, so…”
“Ah,” Angela says, and then, “I do have a vibrator, if you’d like me to get it out?”
“No,” Ana says perhaps a bit too quickly. From personal experience, she knows that she is very particular about the settings she likes, and doubts that taking the time to find the right configuration on Angela’s vibrator is worthwhile. “You don’t actually have to do anything differently, it just might take a bit longer than usual.”
(In truth, the added sensation of something inside her might speed things up quite a bit, but even after transitioning, Angela is not terribly fond of penetrating anyone with anything, and Ana does not want to make her feel as if she needs to do anything—they can discuss it another time, when there is less pressure.)
When Angela begins again, she is more forceful in her movements, focusing more on Ana’s clit, and it is nearly at the point of being too much, of Ana wanting to ask her to slow down or ease up—but she is so, so close. It is all she can do to stay put, to not pull away from the intensity of the sensation, because she feels again that she is right at the edge, and she does not want to lose the orgasm by twitching away at the wrong moment.
A minute passes, another. Ana tosses her head and fights the urge to whimper, to beg.
Another minute, and Angela rubs soothing circles on her thigh, nuzzles closer into Ana, reaches her other hand to try and hold Ana’s, the way she likes to when she comes—and nothing about the sensation of it is terribly different, but suddenly Ana is there, tipping over the edge and trying not to buck her hips too hard into Angela’s face.
The unexpectedness of the orgasm makes it feel almost torn from her, and she is surprised by the intensity of it—though perhaps she should not be, given how long she teetered at the edge. Angela helps her to ride it out, and when she is finished moves up the bed to lie next to her, propping her head up on one elbow and idly stroking the side of her face with the other hand.
After a moment to catch her breath, she turns so she can better look at Angela, who is at her blind side, “Your turn?” she asks, not certain if Angela—still fully clothed—will want to do anything, but more than willing should she prove amenable to the idea.
“Once you’re one recuperating, sure.”
“Recuperating?” Ana demands, and then, teasingly, “Just how old do you think I am?”
“I don’t know,” Angela says with a smirk, “I seem to recall someone saying just earlier today how you were much too old for an only slightly-old person such as myself. And you do seem rather out of breath.”
Ana clicks her tongue, and rolls on top of Angela without any warning, pinning her to the mattress, “I’ll show you out of breath,” says she, using one hand to move a now compliant Angela’s hands above her head. She leans in as if to kiss her lover, waiting until Angela’s eyes have drifted shut, face pointing upwards, to release her grip, instead bringing both hands suddenly down to Angela’s sides to tickle her.
The sensation is no doubt dulled by the fact that Angela is still wearing one of her many thick sweaters, but she shrieks nonetheless at the sudden sensation, unable to squirm away, pinned as she is.
Perhaps they are, both of them, growing older, but that hardly means that they need to grow up, nor change in any other way. They can be happy just as they are.
#anamercy#ana amari#angela ziegler#i was gonna write mommy kink for this but u are what u eat so im pussy#later in the week... i hope
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Steady Feet, Don’t Fail Me Now
AO3 Link
Pairing: Reddie
warnings: NSFW- THESE CHARACTERS ARE 18 AND THEY DO SHIT TOGETHER OKAY? IF YOU ARE NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO HANDLE THAT DO NOT READ THIS also some fluff and swearing but what else is new
word count: 9,870
Summary: “You know how to dance?” Eddie demands, still skeptical, and Richie is almost offended.
“Yes, actually,” he scoffs with a good natured laugh. “Is that so hard to believe?”
Eddie opens his mouth, but Richie cuts him off before he can tell his friend that yes, that’s incredibly hard to believe.
“Don’t answer that, dickhead,” Richie says as he gets up, wiping his sweaty palms onto his jeans. “C’mon, get up.” He instructs and holds out a hand to pull Eddie to his feet. “I’m teaching you.”
also known as the fake dating fic
LET ME JUST SAY THAT THIS FIC WAS BEING IN THE PROCESS OF BEING WRITTEN FOR WEEKS NOW AND I WOULDNT HAVE POSTED IT IF IT WEREN'T FOR SOME OF MY BETAS (ROSE AND TORI) LIKE I COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT THEM AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH SO THEY ARE THE REASON FOR IT BEING POSTED SO YALL CAN THANK THEM @killerxqueer @delicateloser
“I have this stupid wedding to go to next month,” Eddie says casually, eyes still fixed on the living room TV, instead of looking at Richie who was lounging on the couch beside him.
“Yeah?” Richie acknowledges.
“Yeah,” Eddie repeats. “One of the bridesmaids is a family friend, and our age, and my mom is trying to set me up with her,” he explained, rolling his eyes.
Richie lets out a low laugh, “Sounds like something ol’ Mrs. K would do.”
“That’s not even the worst part,” Eddie sighs, playing with a loose strand of string on one of the pillows.
Richie looks up at Eddie from his slouched form, “What’s the worst part?”
“I have to dance with her,” Eddie groaned.
“What’s the problem?”
“A slow dance, Richard ,” he says with an exasperated sigh.“Not only do I have to pretend to like girls, but I have to dance with one, too. And I don’t know how to dance.”
Richie barks out a laugh, but when he see’s Eddie’s face fall, immediately apologizes.
“Stop laughing at me,” Eddie complains, and hits his chest lightly.
“Why is that such a bad thing? That I can’t dance?”
“It’s not,” Richie giggles, “I- um. I could teach you if you want me to,” he offers, and hopes that Eddie won’t notice how nervous he feels.
“You?” Eddie asks incredulously, raising an eyebrow at his best friend.
“Yeah, I could.”
“You know how to dance?” Eddie demands, still skeptical, and Richie is almost offended.
“Yes, actually,” he scoffs with a good natured laugh. “Is that so hard to believe?”
Eddie opens his mouth, but Richie cuts him off before he can tell his friend that yes , that’s incredibly hard to believe.
“Don’t answer that, dickhead,” Richie says as he gets up, wiping his sweaty palms onto his jeans. “C’mon, get up.” He instructs and holds out a hand to pull Eddie to his feet. “I’m teaching you.”
Eddie gives him a look.
“Okay, don’t look at me like that, first of all,” Richie says, rolling his eyes. “You’ll be fine. Great, even. Second of all, take my hand,” he says, holding out his hand once more.
Eddie slowly reaches out for it and inhales deeply when Richie is drawing him closer, his eyes widening a fraction that he hopes isn’t noticeable to Richie.
“Take one step.” Richie whispers.
Eddie does… Right onto Richie’s foot.
“You suck at this,” Richie laughs causing Eddie to glare back at him, and Richie’s laughter softens into a smile that almost looks sweet. “Just take your time,” he says as a kind of apology. “Let’s try this again,” and with that Richie gently corrects Eddie’s position.
Eddie takes a deep breath, and after clearing his mind and listening to Richie’s instructions, Eddie gets his footing correct within minutes.
“You’re doing well. Now do me a favor, yeah?” Richie lifts the other boy’s chin up, “Stop looking at the ground. Keep your eyes locked on mine.”
Eddie can’t move after that. Richie’s hands feel like they’re burning on his hips and the second their eyes meet and bore into one another, he feels like he’s being held in some kind of trance.
Neither of them hear the front door open.
“Eddie are you and- oh.”
The two leap away from each other as if they’ve been burned, when they see Bev standing in the archway, looking startled but with a mischievous glint in her eye. She looks like the cat who’s caught the canary.
“Was I interrupting something? Shit, I was, wasn’t I?” She asks, the smirk on her face growing dangerously.
“No, we were just-” Eddie tries to explain, but Bev cuts him off.
“It’s okay, Eddie!” Bev insists, grinning wildly. “No need to hide your relationship.”
“There’s nothing to hide!” he insists, “because we’re not dating.”
But it’s no use.
“You don’t have to lie,” Beverly laughs, “We kinda figured... Anyway, I was just coming over to tell you that we were waiting for you both at the quarry, but I can see you’re busy, so…” she winks and Eddie can feel his face burning. “Yeah. Bye,” and with that she rushes out, very likely about to tell the others what she saw.
Eddie finally brings himself to look up at Richie once more, cursing the fact that he can still feel the warmth spreading from his cheeks to the tips of his ears. Richie is smirking down at him and he does not like that look.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Eddie demands, and pushes Richie further away from him.
“Like what, boyfriend ?” Richie teases, eyebrow raised and god, that should not be making his stomach do flips like that.
“You know we’re not together, stop that,” he snaps, trying to fix Richie with a glare but he knows he’s never been very good at being intimidating. Especially not to Richie.
“We could go along with it.”
Now that causes Eddie to do a double take and he stares at Richie. “Why the fuck would we do that?”
“Why the fuck not?” Richie asks, holding his hands up in an exaggerated shrug. “Plus, you know nobody’s going to believe us if Bev tells them what she thought she saw.”
This should not make sense. He should turn around right now, and say no to Richie. He’s going to say no to Richie because this is a terrible fucking idea.
“Yeah, you’re right,” he finds himself saying instead.
“It also gives me the chance to hold my best friend’s hand in public without being questioned,” Richie says with a wink and grabs Eddie’s hand.
Eddie cracks a smile, and tugs his hand out of Richie’s grip. “That’s gay.”
“That’s the point,” Richie says with a grin.
Eddie doesn’t know why he agreed to this.
The next morning, Richie is standing at Eddie’s locker, loudly complaining about how his mom cancelled his subscription for some comic book.
“I’m so upset, Eddie. You don’t understand ,” Richie whines. He’s practically ready to start stamping his feet.
“I don’t,” Eddie agrees, opening his locker and rummaging around inside instead of looking at Richie. “Besides, you’re eighteen, do you really need to be reading comics?”
Richie clutches his heart dramatically. “How dare you say that. You wound me.”
Eddie laughs, crinkles forming at the corners of his eyes as he looks up at his friend, “I’m serious, Rich! I-” he stops talking when he sees Bev coming their way over Richie’s shoulder.
Richie goes to turn around but Eddie pulls at his shoulder, “Don’t look. Beverly is coming.”
“Right, okay. What do we do?”
“I don’t know, touch me or something- wipe that grin off of your face, asshole.” Eddie hisses, trying to move his lips as little as possible so that Bev won’t see.
Richie ends up leaning against the lockers, placing a hand on Eddie’s hip, and dragging him closer.
Eddie tries to ignore the way it feels to have Richie touching him like this in public and begins a staged topic, “You can come over tonight, if you want,” he says, trying to sound flirtatious as Bev walks into earshot and feels ridiculous. “My mom has some board meeting and won’t be home until late.”
“Yeah?” Richie asks, smirking down at him suggestively. “I’ll be there… Oh, hey, Bev,” he says, faux casually as she joins them and he turns to look at her.
She grins, “Morning, lovebirds.”
“Where are the others?” Eddie asks, with a roll of his eyes.
“Bill, Ben, and Mike are in the library studying for a test they have next period. Stan should be here third period.”
“Oh, yeah. He has a doctor’s appointment.” Richie remembers.
“Good luck to him. He hates needles.” Eddie says, hyper aware of Richie’s hand that is still resting firmly on his hip.
After a few seconds of awkward silence, they’re saved by the bell. Literally.
“See you guys later,” Richie says and turns to leave, his hand finally moving from it’s resting spot and Eddie tries not to think about the fact that he’s disappointed by that.
“You’re not gonna kiss your boyfriend goodbye?” Bev challenges with a teasing smirk. Just because I’m here doesn’t mean you can’t show affection,” she teases and Eddie can tell that she’s having way too much fun with this.
He and Richie give each other a nervous look as if asking the other if it’s alright, before both of them are cautiously leaning in, with a quick peck to the lips. To say at the least, it’s bad. Richie’s bottom lip goes over Eddie’s top one and he’s half kissing his nose. Eddie can hear Beverly giggling behind them and Eddie himself is burning with embarrassment.
Richie bolts after that.
That night, Eddie is sitting at his desk and finishing up his homework as it’s nearing midnight. Just after he puts his books away and is about to get ready for bed, he hears a familiar, faint tapping sound at his window. He lifts it up in one swift motion. “Richie? What are you doing here?” he he hisses, careful not to speak to loudly for fear of waking his mother.
“I came to see your mom,” he taunts as usual and pauses. “But she’s not here so I guess I’ll have to settle for my boyfriend instead,” he finishes with a wink.
“You don’t have to call me that when we’re alone, you know,” Eddie groans.
“Yeah,” Richie agrees with a nod. “I just figured that I should get used to saying it, though.”
“I guess so,” Eddie mumbles and it does make sense.
“Anyway,” Richie continues, and Eddie looks up at him. “Speaking of the situation, you are a terrible kisser,” Richie laughs and pokes his side.
“Excuse me, but that wasn’t even a kiss,” Eddie snaps, thinking back to how Richie had almost completely missed his mouth that morning. “It was a disaster.”
“I agree,” Richie nods. “Which is why we should practice.”
Eddie freezes at that, his mouth gaping slightly and his eyes wide.
“What?”
“Yeah, Eds. Did I stutter? We should practice,” Richie repeats himself as if it’s the most obvious choice in the world. “Make it look believable - Because that mess we pulled earlier, that was the furthest thing in the world from believable.”
He’s right and Eddie hates that he’s right.
“Okay, okay,” he agrees. “Yeah, you’re right.”
“Always am,” Richie says with a grin and there Eddie’s stomach goes again. “Now come here,” Richie says in a low voice, and pulls Eddie against him. Eddie’s face is flushed and he can feel his heartbeat quickening. He watches Richie lean in and then he’s pressing his hands against Richie’s chest to stop him.
“Wait!” he gasps. “ Wait .”
“What’s wrong?” Richie asks, his confusion evident, but he doesn’t let go of Eddie.
“I’ve- I’ve never kissed anybody before.” Eddie says quietly, clearly embarrassed.
Richie smiles again, but this time Eddie can tell Richie isn’t making fun of him. The smile is soft and sweet and it makes Eddie’s heart skip a beat. “I’ll be gentle, Eds,” Richie says, his voice slipping back into it’s usual joking cadence. “No need to worry your pretty little head.”
Eddie bites his lip, but nods. “Yeah,” he says, looking down at where their chests are still almost but not quite meeting and taking a deep breath before looking back up at Richie. “Okay.”
The two both lean in slowly, Richie’s hand finding Eddie’s cheek. Their lips brush over one another’s carefully. It’s chaste at first. Then, Richie is guiding Eddie’s arms to rest around his his neck and nudging his face with his nose. Eddie opens his mouth slightly, getting the hint.
To anybody else, this would be weird. Kissing their best friend in the middle of their bedroom. It should be weird for Eddie too. It’s not, and that’s what scares him. Having Richie’s lips brushing against his feels so natural and right and-
Richie has stopped kissing him. Eddie’s eyes fly open and Richie’s lips are swollen and red. Eddie wants to tug him back in.
“Can I stay the night?” Richie asks abruptly, and Eddie is surprised - Richie never asks permission.
“Y-Yeah, of course,” he says.
Eddie eyes Richie as he moves to lays in his bed, acting as if what just happened didn’t. He already knows he’s fucked. He stares for a moment longer and then climbs into bed with his friend.
See, get a hold of yourself, you’re fine, Eddie tells himself. But then Richie throws an arm over his waist, and it shouldn’t be different, but it is. They do this all the time, but now Eddie sees Richie as more than a friend and now nothing is the same.
“Night, Eds,” Richie mumbles into his neck.
“Don’t call me that,” Eddie whispers, and tentatively places a hand on Richie’s as it lays across his chest. “Goodnight, Richie.”
It doesn’t take long for the two to get the hang of this whole “fake dating” thing, and Eddie tries not to think about that fact. Whether it be holding hands in front of their friends, using pet names for each other, or a quick kiss to the lips - you name it and they do it without hesitation or a moment’s thought.
That’s the thing - they know they only have to put the act on for their group of friends. And they stick with that. That is, until Eddie oversleeps one day and walks into school late, only to see Richie talking up some girl. His blood boils. He tries to calm himself down - he knows he doesn’t have the right to be angry. They’re not even a real couple. Yet, that doesn’t stop him from storming over.
The girl looks over in his direction, “Oh, you must be Ed-”
“Excuse us for a second,” Eddie interjects. He takes hold of Richie’s arm, pulling him into his space, and kisses him without a second thought.
Richie’s eyes widen for a moment, and then he’s relaxing, closing his eyes and putting a hand onto Eddie’s cheek.
When they pull away, the girl is gone.
“What was that?” Richie asks. “Are you.. Are you jealous ?” he says, and he looks far too happy with this realization.
Eddie pales and tries to backtrack. “You can’t just flirt with some girl. We’re supposed to be dating. What if one of our friends were to see you?” He’s surprised at how quickly the excuse comes to mind, and is satisfied when Richie seems to take it at face value.
“I didn’t think of that.”
Eddie rolls his eyes. Of course he didn’t.
“We’re a team now,” Eddie says seriously, and looks into Richie’s eyes. Richie smiles and Eddie’s heart starts beating wildly once again.
“We always have been,” Richie agrees.
The second time they kiss without their friends around is that same night. Richie’s laying on Eddie’s couch while Eddie sleeps on the armchair across the room. They were having a movie marathon, but the smaller boy had fallen asleep not even two movies in.
Richie checks the time. It’s half past one AM. He sits up, stretches, and picks Eddie up from his curled position in the chair and cradles him to his chest, carrying him bridal style up to his room.
He places Eddie carefully onto the mattress, but when he turns to leave through the window, Eddie grabs his hand, making him stumble back.
“Why are you leaving?” Eddie mumbles, his voice thick with sleep.
Richie touches his cheek and tries desperately to ignore the thundering of his heart. “You need to sleep,” he replies softly, and brushes back the hair on Eddie’s forehead.
“Come lie down with me,” Eddie asks, and that’s that.
Richie can’t say no to him - he never could. He slides under the blankets next to his friend. “You’ve been asleep since ten o’clock,” he says with a soft smile.
“Why didn’t you wake me?” Eddie asks, slowly starting to sound more awake. “You know our movie marathons are my favorite.”
“You looked so precious,” Richie says, hoping that it sounds as teasing as he normally does instead of how genuine he feels saying it.
“Fair,” Eddie hums and gives Richie a small smile.
“Aren’t you a little cocky?”
“The cockiest.” Eddie laughs.
They fall into a comfortable silence. Richie shifts closer and slings an arm around Eddie’s waist. “You know, you’re the best cuddler out of all of our friends,” he says quietly as he pulls Eddie in closer to him. His chest is pressed against Eddie’s back and he’s afraid Eddie might be able to feel how hard his heart is beating.
“Yeah?” Eddie asks. “Why’s that?”
“Well,” Richie starts, “Bill thrashes everywhere- can never get comfortable. Stan refuses to cuddle at all so that counts him out. Mike says it’s weird. I’m convinced Bev is gay, and Ben would always rather be reading a book.”
Eddie snorts.
“So, it comes down to you,” Richie finishes, and squeezes the arm that’s wrapped around Eddie’s waist just a little bit tighter.
“I feel honored to be able to claim that title,” Eddie says with a grin, and if he burrows a little closer into Richie’s warm chest, neither of them say anything.
“You should,” Richie smiles, resting his forehead on the top of Eddie’s head, completely unbothered by the feeling of Eddie’s hair tickling his nose. “Although, your mom comes close to it. You’re gonna have to step up your game, Kaspbrak.”
Eddie turns in Richie’s embrace so that he’s facing the taller boy, and weaves a hand through Richie’s hair. “I don’t think it’ll be a problem,” he replies. He blinks a few times then impulsively presses a quick kiss to Richie’s lips.
“You’re getting better at that,” Richie comments, and Eddie can feel his cheeks heat up.
“Yeah?” he asks, looking up at Richie’s face and biting his lip.
“Yeah, I think you’ll have to do it again though,” Richie says seriously. “Just so I can confirm that it wasn’t just a fluke.”
Eddie shoves Richie’s shoulder, “Richie!”
“What?”
“You can’t say that,” Eddie grumbles. “We’re best friends,” he says, and tries to pretend that the thought doesn’t make his stomach sink like a stone.
“Who are pretending to be in a relationship,” Richie says, as if that explains everything. “We might as well play the part.”
“What do you mean?” Eddie asks, and drops his hand from Richie’s hair.
“If it wasn’t for Bev and her loudmouth, we wouldn’t be in this mess, right?”
“Right,” he confirms.
“Well, who knows how long we’ll have to keep this up for.”
A voice in the back of Eddie’s mind tells him that they could easily just tell their friends the truth but Eddie pushes the thought away. That would be much too simple and besides... he was enjoying this. He might as well take advantage of it while he could.
“So.. you’re saying that we should.. Kiss more?” Eddie makes a face.
“Yeah, why not? I mean, it’s great for practice. Plus, you’re not half bad.” Richie nudges Eddie’s face with his nose, and his lips are just a breath away from Eddie’s.
“God, this should be so weird.” Eddie whispers against Richie’s lips, reveling in the feeling of Richie’s hands on his lower back..
“If it’s weird, we don’t have to,” Richie says quietly. “Just figured it could help our situation. Make the best of it and all,” he offers.
“No, yeah, it’s fine.”
Richie searches Eddie’s eyes for a moment, trying to find any hint of hesitation. When he finds none, he closes the gap between them completely, kissing Eddie soundlessly. Eddie wants to melt into the touch and let Richie kiss him all night, but stops himself.
Eddie pokes his friend’s face. “You should sleep,” he says quietly, silently reminding himself that while he might be enjoying this, he shouldn’t get too carried away.
“Why? There’s no school tomorrow,” Richie whines and rests his forehead against Eddie’s.
“Yeah, but if you don’t go to bed at a reasonable hour, you know you’re going to complain about being tired in the morning.”
Richie sighs, “Okay, mom, no need to be a smartass.”
“I hope you don’t kiss your mother with that trashmouth of yours,” Eddie says with a laugh.
“No,” Richie agrees, “but you don’t seem to have a problem with this trashmouth kissing you .”
Eddie chooses ignore Richie’s comment and instead focuses on trying to slow his rapidly beating heart. “Go to sleep, Richie,” he says softly.
If they sleep closer together than before, they don’t say anything.
Richie wakes up the next morning to the delectable smell of bacon wafting up the stairs to Eddie’s bedroom. He stretches out his long limbs in the bed and yawns before pushing himself out from under the blankets and prodding down the steps.
“Good morning,” he greets Eddie from the doorway of the kitchen. “What’cha makin’, boyfriend ?” he teases.
“Stop calling me that,” Eddie laughs, looking up to see Richie leaning against the doorframe. “Bacon and Sausage. I can make Eggs, too, if you want.”
Richie strides across the kitchen and wraps his arms around Eddie’s waist and presses a kiss behind his ear. “Sure, if it’s not a problem,” he murmurs, taking in the scent of Eddie’s shampoo.
“Of course not,” Eddie says quietly, blushing bright red at the affection but not pulling away.
The two sit at the kitchen table when Eddie finishes cooking and eat their breakfast off of Mrs. Kaspbrak’s perfectly matching dishware in an amiable silence until Richie looks down at his phone and speaks up.
“What do you want to do today?” he asks Eddie, causing the smaller boy to look up from his breakfast. “Bill texted and said we should go to the mall later.”
“Don’t wanna.” Eddie says through a mouthful of food.
“Why not?” Richie asks with a smile, thinking about how Eddie is just too fucking precious.
“Because we just went to the mall, like, two days ago,” Eddie grumbles. “Just tell him you’re gonna chill at my house today.”
Richie raises his eyebrow and gives Eddie a lascivious grin as he whips out his phone, “Oh so that’s what we’re calling it?”
“Type, Tozier,” Eddie commands as he rolls his eyes at his best friend.
Richie chuckles and does as he’s told.
“What did you say?” Eddie asks.
“I said, ‘not today, Bill. I got better things planned,’” Richie says with a waggle of his eyebrows. “And I even added a winky face for good measure.”
“Richie.”
“Lighten up, Eds, I’m supposed to be your boyfriend, aren’t I?” Richie teases. “I have to say things like that,” he says with a roll of his eyes.
Eddie huffs, “Yeah but it’s just another lie that we’ll have to keep up with.”
Richie is silent for a moment after this, and Eddie eyes him warily. Richie and silence rarely mix well, and given the strange circumstances they’ve found themselves in lately, Eddie is immediately suspicious.
“Then let’s be truthful about this one, yeah?” Richie says quietly, breaking the silence after staring at Eddie for a long moment.
“What do you mean?” Eddie asks, looking at Richie quizzically.
Richie stands up from his chair and walks around to Eddie, taking his hand and leading him to the couch. He sits himself down criss-cross in front of Eddie and Eddie doesn’t like this at all. He hates not knowing what’s going on, especially when it comes to Richie and this whole fake dating thing they’ve gotten themselves wrapped up in.
“I don’t-”
Richie cuts him off, placing his hands on either side of Eddie’s face and says what he had texted Bill out loud. “I’ve got better things planned.”
He swoops in and places his lips onto Eddie’s. He couldn’t hold it in anymore, and he’s so grateful that Eddie isn’t pushing him away. They move slowly together, and much to Richie’s surprise, Eddie is the one the one to run his fingers down Richie’s back, pulling him closer. Richie groans into his lips in appreciation and squeezes Eddie’s hips firmly.
The rhythm of their kiss changes, suddenly becoming wet and open-mouthed. It’s the first time it’s been more than just a peck, without the excuse of it being for ‘practice’ behind it.
“This okay?” Richie asks against Eddie’s mouth, as he breaks away for air.
“Yeah,” Eddie gasps breathlessly and leans back, gripping Richie’s collar and attempting to pull Richie down on top of him.
“Having fun there, Eds?” Richie teases, placing a hand on the couch next to Eddie, bracing himself so he doesn’t fall onto him.
“Shut up, Richie.”
Richie doesn’t need to be told twice. He slides a leg between Eddie’s thighs and kisses him harder, almost sure he’s bruising their lips, and not caring one bit. They spend the rest of the morning that way, sometimes pausing to watch something on the TV, but always gravitating right back to one another.
It’s around lunchtime and they’re so caught up in each other, they don’t hear the front door opening as all their friends come spilling into Eddie’s house.
“Hey you guys- okay, holy shit, holy shit!” Mike’s voice breaks the silence, making the two jump apart.
“You weren’t kidding,” Bill blinks, eyes wide.
“Do you ever fucking lock your door?” Bev asks with a grin.
“My mom likes to leave it unlocked when she goes to work, if I’m home. I should really start though, shouldn’t I? Since you never knock ,” Eddie snapped, glaring up at his friends from his place on the couch, still trying to catch his breath from the kissing and the shock of being interrupted.
“In our defense, we didn’t think we would need to,” Ben explains weakly.
“If you guys were going this hard at just kissing, I don’t wanna know what your sex is like.” Stan makes a face.
Eddie’s face goes as red as a tomato and shakes his head, “We- We- We haven’t had sex !” he spits out as soon as he can get his tongue untied. The ‘yet’ lingers awkwardly in the air.
“ Anyway ,” Bill says sharply in an attempt to change the subject. “W-we have to come t-to retrieve you in g-going to the mall,” he announces. “Your p-plans can w-wait.”
Richie groans. He hates his friends.
After an hour or so of wandering as a group, the other five ditch Eddie and Richie to go to the food court, and Eddie decides to find a suit.
“Yeah, that wedding is in like three weeks,” Richie says, swaying their hands between them.
“Two, actually,” Eddie corrects him.
“Even worse. It’s not like you to wait until the last minute for this sort of thing,” Richie says, but he’s smiling as he says it and he squeezes Eddie’s hand softly. The gesture feels incredibly intimate and Eddie fights back a blush.
“Well excuse me, but I’ve been spending all of my time with you as of late,” he snaps in an attempt to not let on exactly how much the small gesture was affecting him.
Richie pulls him in by his hand until Eddie is pressed up against him. “Yeah, you’re right,” he murmurs. “I like that choice better,” he licks his lips, staring at Eddie’s.
Eddie’s face reddens. “Yeah, me too... ” he says, and presses a chaste kiss to the corner of Richie’s mouth before taking a step back and pulling Richie in the direction of the tuxedo shop.
“C’mon, Romeo, help me pick out a suit.”
Richie picks out two, and Eddie has three as they head to the dressing room. Eddie walks into the corner stall and changes into the first one, admiring the way it looks in the mirror before walking out to show it off to Richie.
“I like this one.” Eddie comments.
Richie is sitting on the chair in the waiting area and his eyes widen when Eddie emerges.
“Me too,” he says lowly, eyes dragging up and down Eddie’s body. “But you still got four more to try on.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Eddie says, before turning over his shoulder to go back into the stall and undress, hanging the suit back up on the hanger.
He puts the second one on, having trouble getting the vest on. “Hey, Rich?” he calls. “Can you come in for a second?”
Eddie unlocks the door, allowing the other boy to step in.
“What’s wrong?” Richie asks as he shuts the door behind him and steps up behind Eddie, putting his hands on Eddie’s hips and kissing his neck softly.
“Trouble getting the vest on,” he explains. “I don’t think I like this suit though, anyway,” he adds as an afterthought, looking at himself in the mirror.
“I don’t either,” Richie says from behind him, and as his grip on Eddie’s hips tightens, Eddie looks up to make eye contact with him through the mirror. “You should take it off.”
It’s quiet for a moment until Eddie speaks quickly, “We need to go home. Right now.”
Richie’s eyes darken, spinning Eddie around to help him take off the dress shirt and vest, and when Eddie reaches down to undo the button on the trousers he had been trying on, Richie can’t help himself anymore. He dives down to capture Eddie’s lips in a kiss that the smaller boy gasps into, and Eddie clutches at Richie’s own shirt, the trousers forgotten for a moment.
Eddie tears away a moment later, his chest heaving and shoos Richie out of the stall so that he can change back into his original clothes. When he emerges, he takes the first suit up to the nearest register, leaving the other four abandoned in the stall.
“Are we just leaving them?” Eddie asks, breathing heavily. They’re practically speed walking to Richie’s truck.
“They can call an uber or something, I don’t know,” Richie said. He honestly couldn’t care less how their friends got home, and he grabs Eddie’s hand. “But we’re leaving.”
Eddie shoots a quick text in the group chat: ‘Something came up! We gotta go. Hopefully you can call an uber. Sorry guys!’
As soon as they see that Mrs. Kaspbrak’s car is still not in the driveway, they race into Eddie’s kitchen, and Richie slams the door shut behind them, making Eddie jump. Richie pushes him against a wall, kissing him hard and pressing his groin into Eddie’s as he grips the smaller boy’s sides.
“God, Eddie,” Richie mouths at his neck, dragging his lips down his throat. “You’re so hot ,” he groans, and uses the grip he has on Eddie’s hip to pull him closer until there is absolutely no space between them.
“Have you seen yourself?” Eddie says breathlessly, and yanks at Richie’s hair, eliciting a loud moan from him.
“Upstairs,” Richie growls in Eddie’s ear and Eddie can’t move fast enough.
Eddie kicks his bedroom door shut and actually leaps onto Richie. Richie catches him and holds him up on his waist, kissing him feverishly as he stumbles back toward Eddie’s bed, falling onto it when he feels it against the backs of his knees.
Eddie is straddling his hips, their lips moving together in a perfect rhythm.
It doesn’t take long before Richie is sliding his hands up Eddie’s torso underneath the fabric of his shirt, moaning underneath him as Eddie grinds his hips into Richie’s. A moment later he’s pulling Eddie’s shirt over his head.
“Richie,” Eddie hisses as he breaks away from the kiss to allow for the removal of his shirt..
“What do you want, baby?”
Eddie doesn’t answer him, but promptly goes back to kissing him, shoving his tongue inside of his mouth.
Everything seems to be going fine...perfect even, until Richie squeezes Eddie’s hips and flips them over so that Eddie is laying on his back. Richie is still between Eddie’s legs and is moving his hands up Eddie’s slender, bare chest, and begins leaving a trail of hickeys from his behind his ear to his collarbone.
“Richie...” Eddie’s voice sounds like a warning but Richie pays no mind, to engrossed in Eddie’s neck as he licks and bites marks into his skin..
“Richie,” he tries again, but Richie is kissing down his chest now.
“Richie!” he all but shrieks, and that is enough to startle Richie from his ministrations.
The curly-headed boy finally sits up, staring at Eddie with wide eyes. “What? What’s wrong?”
“Get off of me,” Eddie scrambles up and hastily slides his shirt back on.
“What happened?” Richie asks, genuinely confused. “What did I do?’
“We are best friends, Richie!” Eddie is saying, spitting the words out between deep gasping breaths. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”
The words hit Richie like a slap in the face and he gapes at Eddie, half shocked and half furious.
“Who’s telling you that?” he demands. “ Yourself? Because clearly, you didn’t have a problem with it when I was seconds away from sucking your dick.” Richie snaps.
“See! Right there!” Eddie says desperately, hands gesturing furiously. “We’re best friends in a pretend relationship .” and with that, Eddie turns his head away from Richie to look at his lap, afraid to look at Richie when he continues. “Pretend, Richie. Not real.”
“It started out that way, didn’t it?” Richie says coldly after a moment of deeply uncomfortable silence.
“What do you mean?” Eddie asks, looking up at Richie’s pained face.
“What if I don’t want it to be pretend, huh, Eddie?”
Richie looks angry and Eddie doesn’t understand. This was Richie’s idea in the first place, so why should he be upset with Eddie if he doesn’t want to do it anymore?
“Then we can just tell the others the truth if you don’t-”
“No. That’s not what I meant,” Richie insists, exasperated. “I want it to be real. I want to be your boyfriend,” he explains and realization begins to dawn on Eddie as he sees the pain in Richie’s eyes increase tenfold. “The kind that kisses you all the time, not just in practice for this stupid charade or as an act in front of our friends. Do you understand me, Eddie?”
Richie is staring at him now, waiting for a response. He looks raw and torn open, and Eddie nods after a few seconds, finally getting it.
“You’re...in love with me?” he asks tentatively.
“Yeah, I am.”
“Why didn’t you fucking tell me?” Eddie says, inching closer to him.
“Because I knew you’d freak out like this!” Richie says and he looks like he might cry.
“I’m not freaking out because you’re in love with me,” Eddie says quickly. “I’m freaking out because we’re best friends-”
“If you say we’re best friends one more fucking time -” Richie snaps, but Eddie plows on.
“-pulling shit like this, while I’m falling for you, too,” Eddie finishes, dragging Richie in by his shirt. “And it’s so fucking hard to stop when you’ve got these-these big brown eyes and I just… You are doing things to me, Richie Tozier.”
He looks up at Richie’s eyes and the shock on his face is evident, but Eddie watches as it fades away and a hopeful smile takes it’s place.
“Do you want me to stop?” Richie asks as he touches Eddie’s cheek.
“God, no,” Eddie says with a laugh, and pulls him down, kissing him. His arms immediately find their way around Richie’s neck.
“You are the worst,” Richie says, moving his hips in hopes of receiving some sort of friction. Eddie can feel him against his thigh.
“Richie, holy shit.”
“You gonna do something about it, loverboy?” Richie teases with a wink. “Or will I have to take care of it myself?”
Eddie narrows his eyes and pushes him back down on the bed, climbing into his lap with his knees on either side of Richie’s hips once again. He presses his hips down, slowly but firmly, eliciting a long broken groan from Richie’s throat. Eddie revels in the noise for a moment, and then he’s rolling his hips down into Richie’s repeatedly, and Richie is losing it.
“Oh my god, Eddie-” Richie gasps, digging his nails into Eddie’s hips.
Eddie picks up his pace, letting one of his legs move between the other boy’s thighs. His face is in his neck, panting, mouthing at his skin, but not biting and sucking like Richie had been.
“Mark me,” Richie says breathlessly. “I’m all yours, sweetheart.”
Eddie does as he’s asked and though he starts small, it quickly devolves into sharp bites that he sucks into his mouth. This isn’t a cute trail like Richie had left on his neck; he’s leaving giant purple bruises all over Richie’s throat.
Richie can feel himself shaking beneath Eddie and he’s struggling to get the words out, but he needs more. “Faster,” he begs. “ Please , Eds.”
Instead, Eddie stops his movements abruptly, leaving Richie a whining mess.
“Shut up, Richie,” he groans, and slides his hand between them and underneath the elastic of Richie’s sweats and the waistband of his boxers. He takes Richie into his hand, gripping firmly but not squeezing. He jerks Richie’s length slowly, pointedly not giving Richie what he’s asking for and delights in the sight of Richie falling apart underneath him.
Richie begs him again, and Eddie takes one last long, slow, pull and Richie is already chanting that he’s going come. Eddie squeezes Richie at the base of his cock to stop him from coming just yet, and as Richie lets out a wrecked gasp, Eddie leans forward, slotting his lips with Richie’s and biting at his lower lip. He shoves his tongue into Richie’s mouth, and brings his unoccupied hand up to Richie’s hair.
He weaves his fingers into Richie’s curls and gives an experimental, teasing tug and Richie whimpers into his mouth. Eddie smirks against his lips and begins slowly sliding his hand up and down once more. He yanks on Richie’s hair again, much harder this time, pulling Richie’s head falls back and Eddie could listen to the noises Richie makes at this all day. But he doesn’t waste time thinking about it, and bites down on Richie’s neck as he swipes a finger over his slit, and that’s all it takes for Richie to release all over his hand.
As the tension releases, Richie collapses back against the bed, shaking and gasping for breath, his fingers still clenched in the fabric of Eddie’s pants, and Eddie draws his hand out from Richie’s pants, fingers dripping with Richie’s release.
“You gonna go wash your hands?” Richie asks with a hazy grin when he finally catches his breath.
But Eddie doesn’t answer, locking eyes with him, and Richie watches as Eddie’s tongue emerges from between Eddie’s swollen lips and just licks the liquid from his hand.
Richie nearly comes again at the sight.
Eddie crawls down to lay beside him, tracing shapes with his fingertips on Richie’s stomach.
“Can we just stay here forever?” he asks as he rests his head on Richie’s chest.
“I’d be okay with that,” Richie says with a smile, and leans his head down to kiss Eddie’s forehead. They spend the rest of the day in Eddie’s room.
Later on, Richie is muttering something in Eddie’s ear about how pretty Eddie is, making him giggle, but he stops short when they hear a knock on his door.
“Eddie? Those aren’t your shoes, downstairs. Is someone with you?” Mrs. Kaspbrak’s voice is muffled from behind the door.
He looks at Richie, panicking. “U-uh,” Eddie knows he can’t lie to his mom, “Yeah, just Richie, mom!” he calls to her. “We’re just reading comics!”
Mrs. Kaspbrak is quiet for a second, “Okay, Eddie… Just tell me next time you want someone over.”
Eddie breathes a sigh of relief when he hears his mother’s footsteps travel back downstairs. He looks up at Richie, who’s already staring at him, a smile playing on his lips. He smiles back, reaching up to cup his cheek, and presses his lips to Richie’s.
In the days following, Richie and Eddie are even more inseparable than usual, and they’re just always touching.
They get caught, more than once and by multiple teachers, making out against the lockers - being threatened to stop with the PDA, or they’d have to stay in detention.
Richie thinks that detention would be worth it.
Eddie tells him that it’s not, and that they have more than enough time to make out when they get home.
-
“Richie,” Eddie gasps out suddenly between kisses.
They had found themselves back in Eddie’s living room after school that day and were taking full advantage of the time they had before Mrs. Kaspbrak would come home.
“What is it baby?” Richie asks, sitting up on Eddie’s waist. He has Eddie trapped between him and the couch, pinned between his legs, and god, is that a beautiful fucking sight.
“I want you to be my date to the wedding next week,” Eddie says nervously. He knows that they’d already discussed their feelings for each other but they had never actually talked about how things would change going forward.
Richie claps their hands together and pinches his cheek, “Aw Eddie bear! You want me to be your date ?”
“Yeah I want you to be my date,” Eddie says firmly. “But I don’t want you to go as my date.”
“What do you mean?” Richie asks, suddenly feeling nervous himself.
“I want you to go as my boyfriend.”
“Oh…” Richie blinks, realization dawning on him. “Oh. Eddie, you sap,” he grins, and leans forward to kiss him. “Of course I’ll go as your boyfriend. God, I love you.”
“I love you too,” Eddie replies, grinning against Richie’s lips.
Eddie feels Richie’s hands slid under his hips and then flip them over so Eddie is seated on Richie’s lap. “I didn’t realize that you liked me on top,” he says with a raised eyebrow, the shadow of a smirk playing across his face.
“Hmm... only sometimes,” Richie teases and pulls Eddie’s hips down, lifting his own up to rut against him and watching as Eddie’s head rolls back at the contact. “Love watching you fall apart above me,” he groans, biting his lip at the sight.
Eddie looks down at him, just as he opens his mouth to let out a moan. If that isn’t the most sinful thing that Richie has ever seen, he doesn’t know what else to compare it to.
“You know I can’t believe you’re real sometimes,” Richie says, meeting Eddie’s crotch with his own.
“Why is that?”
“Fuck, just look at you-“ Richie groans, and trails his hands up Eddie’s thighs. “I’m drowning in you.”
Eddie smirks down at him and fuck, Richie thinks he might actually explode at the look in Eddie’s eyes.
“Oh yeah?” Eddie taunts, and grinds down into his lap even harder.
Richie throws his head back and groans at the feeling of Eddie pressing against him, his eyes closing tightly as his fingers fist in the fabric of Eddie’s shirt just above his hips.
“Nuh uh,” Eddie scolds and pulls at Richie’s hair, yanking his head up and forcing Richie to look at him as he let out a long, guttural groan at the feeling. “ Look at me,” Eddie demands. “I want you to watch me. Keep your eyes on me, alright, gorgeous?”
At this point, Richie doesn’t think he can look away even if he wanted to. “O-Okay..”
“Stop holding your breath,” Eddie tells him, and until then, he didn’t even even realize he was doing so.
Richie grabs Eddie’s thighs, helping him align their hips better. He was already done for, though. They both know this. One touch and it was over, but it’s always that way for Richie. Electricity runs throughout his veins, hormones shutting down the logical side of his brain. From there on in it’s all intoxicating, the way Eddie intensely moves on top of him, and he needs more.
“Richie...” A sinful sound escapes Eddie’s lips, leaving him taking in an extra breath, “I want... I want...”
Richie looks up at him with glazed over eyes, knowing the answer, but needing to hear it.
“Use your words, princess,” he says softly, instructing Eddie.
“I...want you to...Fuck me...” Eddie says between gasps, grinding his hips down into Richie’s with each gasp.
“Fuck…” Richie shudders. “Okay, yeah...yeah,” he says, sounding incoherent.
Eddie lets out another high pitched, keening moan as Richie ruts up against him involuntarily and Richie thinks he might melt.
“Do you...Have any-” Eddie gasps.
“No, fuck...baby,” Richie groans. He had no idea this was going to happen today and he was totally unprepared. If they had just gone to his own house…Richie grabbed Eddie’s hips to still them, wracking his brain for an alternative. “But I can-”
Eddie surges forward and kisses the words out of his mouth.
“Hold on,” he gasps, breaking away from Eddie’s mouth. “Hold on, hold on.”
Eddie whines, and Richie reaches up, grabbing Eddie’s throat and pulling him down, “Eddie, shut up.”
Eddie has his eyes closed, his mouth is parted, and he is shaking, “O-Okay,” he can feel Richie’s eyes dawning on him, full of wonder and realization.
“Is that... Is that a thing for you?”
It’s almost enough to distract him, but Richie flips Eddie over onto his back, and leans in to kiss him softly, before pulling back. Eddie tries to pull him back in, but Richie grabs his hands and pins them back down on the couch.
“Stay here,” he says firmly, “Don’t move...I’ll be right back.”
Eddie whines but obeys and stays on the couch, Richie looks down at him as he stands and his knees almost buckle as Eddie’s hand slides down to grip himself in Richie’s absence. He shakes himself out of it and runs to the kitchen and starts frantically slamming open the cabinets, rifling through Mrs. Kaspbrak’s neatly organized shelves until he finds a jar of coconut oil, and races back to the living room with it.
When he gets back, Eddie has already taken his pants off and is laying there, hand slid under the waistband of his boxer briefs and pumping himself slowly, head thrown back with his eyes closed. Richie gapes at the sight for a moment, before kneeling onto the couch, one foot on the floor and one knee between Eddie’s legs.
“Getting started without me, huh?” he asks, leaning down over Eddie once more and pulling Eddie’s hand out from his waistband. Eddie lifts his head to look at him and Richie nudges his nose against Eddie’s, before kissing him again, setting the jar of coconut oil down on the floor as he does.
Eddie’s hands find their way to the hem of Richie’s t-shirt and start pulling it up. Richie breaks away from Eddie’s mouth to allow him to pull the shirt over his head and as soon as the shirt hits the floor his lips are back on Eddie’s. His thumb begins rubbing circles into Eddie’s hip as the smaller boys hands slide up his torso to grip at Richie’s shoulders, and Richie hooks his fingers into the waistband of Eddie’s boxer briefs.
“Is this okay?” he asks softly, pressing his forehead to Eddie’s as he grips the elastic.
Eddie nods frantically and lifts his hips slightly as Richie slowly pulls them down his bony hips. They get tangled around his ankles and Richie laughs softly, leaning back off of him to free Eddie’s legs and pull them off. Eddie grab’s Richie by the belt buckle as soon as his underwear has been tossed aside and pulls him back down on top of him.
He fumbles awkwardly with the buckle for a moment and Richie must be able to tell how frustrated he is because he hears his boyfriend laughing, and looks up to fix Richie with a glare. Richie smiles at him and reaches down between them with the hand that isn’t holding himself up, and unbuckles the belt with a flick of his wrist, before sitting up to pop open the button of his jeans. Eddie reaches forward to pull down the zipper and starts pushing them down Richie’s hips.
“Get these off,” Eddie grumbles, eagerly yanking them down and Richie huffs a laugh and kicks them off behind him.
“Geez, you’re so impatient,” Richie teases, rolling his eyes but sighing affectionately, and leaning over Eddie again, ducking his head down to nip at Eddie’s throat.
“Yeah well,” Eddie gasps at the feeling of Richie’s lips traveling up his jawline. “I’ve been thinking about this all day, so jot that down.”
“Is there any time of the day where you’re not being a sassy little shit ?” Richie mumbles against his ear, and bites at the soft skin below his earlobe.
“Are you really gonna complain about that right now?” Eddie snaps with a raised eyebrow, his hand sliding between them to hover at the elastic of Richie’s boxers.
“I guess I shouldn’t be when your hand is that close to my dick, huh?” Richie asks, and presses his hips so that his groin is up against Eddie’s hand, shuddering as Eddie slips his hand beneath the waistband to take Richie in his hand again.
Eddie squeezes him, “Yeah, you really shouldn’t.”
Richie’s eyes are rolling to the back of his head, “Stop teasing,” he groans, and then pauses as a thought occurs to him. “On second thought, let me take care of you,” he says, and bats Eddie’s hands away, despite his protests.
Richie sits up to grab the coconut oil off the floor and dips two of his fingers into it, feeling it melt into the warmth of his fingers. He places a hand on the inside of Eddie’s thigh and holds his fingers up, looking at Eddie as if to ask if he was ready.
“That’s not going to burn, is it?” Eddie asks nervously.
Richie lets out a surprised laugh. “No, baby, of course not,” he says. “I promise.”
Eddie nods and spreads his legs slightly, though there isn’t much room for them to go on the couch. Richie hooks his dry hand under Eddie’s leg, lifting it up to rest his calf on Richie’s shoulder. He presses a kiss to his thigh, smiling against the sensitive skin as Eddie shivers beneath him, and presses his fingers up against Eddie, rubbing the oil against his skin.
Eddie jumps slightly at the touch and digs his fingers into Richie’s shoulder. Richie looks up at him.
“Are you okay?”
“Y-yeah,” he whispers shyly. “It’s okay,” and smiles at Richie in a way that he means to be encouraging, but Richie can tell how nervous he is.
“We can stop if you want to, baby, just say the word,” Richie says, moving his hand away to rub soft circles into Eddie’s thigh.
“No!” Eddie says quickly. “No, I...I want you to keep going,” he says, taking a deep breath and reaching between his legs to grab Richie’s hand and guide it back to its previous position.
“Okay,” Richie smiles at him, kissing each of Eddie’s knees as he presses one of his fingers inside of Eddie, pausing as Eddie breathes in a sharp gasp of air. “You’re doing so good, baby,” he says encouragingly, crooking his finger slightly and making small circles with it, feeling Eddie constrict around him. “Just breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.”
Eddie lets his head fall back against the couch and tries to do what Richie is telling him to. He takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly, trying to relax around the foreign feeling of Richie’s finger inside him. Eddie winces, the pain not fully subsided yet.
“It won’t hurt the entire time,” Richie promises, “I’m gonna add another finger, okay?” he says, but waits for permission before he goes through with it.
Eddie nods, his eyes screwed shut, “O-Okay...I trust you.”
Richie pauses for a moment, a smile forming on his lips. He grabs Eddie’s hand with his free one, entwining their fingers together, his heart skipping a beat as Eddie squeezes his fingers. He pushes another finger in, nearly stopping when he hears a squeal forming in Eddie’s throat.
“Keep- Keep going, I’m fine,” Eddie insists, sensing Richie’s hesitation. “It won’t hurt the entire time,” he says, repeating Richie’s words back to him. And, fuck, Richie fucking loves this boy.
He continues pressing the second finger into Eddie and starts pumping them in and out slowly. As Eddie begins to relax slightly, he pushes in further and bends his fingers, brushing against a spot that draws a long, low moan from Eddie’s throat, and Richie watches, mesmerized, as he starts to fall apart before his eyes.
He begins to scissor his fingers back and forth, stretching Eddie open and thinks he might explode when Eddie pushes his hips back, further onto his fingers.
“I.. I’m ready,” Eddie mumbles through a moan, and Richie looks up at him as he audibly swallows.
“Are you sure?” Richie asks, kissing his thigh again.
“Yeah,” Eddie says, nodding at him and smiling, and Richie is reminded of the sun because Eddie’s smile is so beautiful it might actually blind him. “I’ve never been more sure of anything, other than you.”
Richie’s heart is in his throat and he feels like he might cry, but fuck, that would be so embarrassing. So instead, he pulls his fingers out and leans forward to kiss Eddie one more time, before sitting up and reaching behind himself for his jeans. He fumbles with the pockets for a moment until he pulls out his wallet and slides a condom out of one of the folds.
He tears the packet open with his teeth and squeezes the tip of the condom between two fingers before sliding it on, and tossing the empty packet aside.
He positions himself back between Eddie’s legs and slides a hand between them to press himself against Eddie. He kisses his thighs one last time before pressing in, grasping Eddie’s fingers in his as he does so.
“You look gorgeous,” Richie whispers, watching Eddie fidget with his tie, and rolls his eyes. “Come here.”
Eddie sighs in defeat and shuffles over to his boyfriend, letting Richie fix his tie. He’s shaking with nerves and he’s sure Richie can tell. “Essentially, I’m coming out today, when I don’t dance with that girl.”
“How is that coming out?” Richie asks, scrunching his face up in confusion.
“I’m going to dance with you instead,” Eddie explains, taking Richie’s hands in his, and smiling at the way Richie’s eyes soften and the small smile that alights on his face.
“You don’t have to do that, babe,” Richie says quietly, squeezing Eddie’s hands affectionately.
“I know,” Eddie says, looking down at their intertwined fingers before looking back up at Richie’s smile. “But I want to,” he says, disentangling their hands so that he can reach up to grasp Richie’s neck, pulling him in for a soft kiss. “How can I not? You were the one who taught me how.”
“How to what? You’re going to have to clarify because I’ve taught you a lot of new things recently.” Richie smirks, his tone suggestive.
“I’m going to choke you if you don’t shut up,” Eddie snaps and glares at his boyfriend.
“Sorry, baby,” Richie says with a grin. “You’re the one who’s into that, not me.”
“Get away from me,” Eddie blushes, and narrows his eyes, jokingly pushing him away. “You’re the worst.”
Richie smiles and wraps his arms around Eddie’s waist, “Nope, you have to stay here forever.” He drags them playfully back onto Eddie’s bed, tugging him down, blowing raspberries into the crook of his neck.
“Richie,” Eddie laughs, “Stop it!”
“Make me.”
Eddie closes his eyes, trying not to let Richie’s words go straight to his dick. Yet, he looks down at him, leaning in to kiss him softly. He opens his mouth, letting Richie’s tongue invade his mouth. Just as he goes to entwine his fingers in Richie’s hair, his mom is knocking at the door. Eddie tears his lips off of Richie’s.
“Eddie, Richie, come on, we’re going to be late,” his mother calls from the other side of the door.
They both stand up, fixing their suits.
“This almost feels like..” Eddie trails off.
“...Like we’re getting married?”
“Y-Yeah…” Eddie swallows.
“All in good time, sweetheart.” Richie presses a kiss to his temple, opening the bedroom door, letting Eddie walk out first. He follows behind, a smile fixed on his face.
The bride and groom are finishing their first dance, when he hears his mom speak.
“Eddie, go on,” she says, the excitement in her voice making him cringe. “There she is, There’s Anna, go dance with her.”
Eddie blinks at his mother before turning away, his hand shaking, and reaches for Richie’s. He pulls him up, taking him to the floor.
“You remember how to do this or are you gonna step on my foot again?” Richie jokes, placing a hand on his waist and pulling Eddie in close to his chest.
“Listen, asshole, it was an accident.” Eddie snaps, but there’s no malice in his tone, and the smile he’s wearing definitely overpowers the attitude. He places one hand on the back of his neck and lets Richie take the other in his own.
“I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” Richie smiles and leans down, resting his forehead onto Eddie’s. He spins them a bit, Eddie giggling.
“You are the love of my life,” Eddie whispers.
“How did I get so lucky?” Richie asks, smiling at Eddie, unable to tear his eyes away from the beautiful boy in his arms.
“In which way?” Eddie asks, grinning at Richie mischievously.
“That was good, Kaspbrak,” Richie grins and a laugh bubbles up in the back of his throat.
“I know,” Eddie smiles and bumps his nose against Richie’s. “How mad does my mom look?” he asks.
Richie peeks at Mrs. Kaspbrak over Eddie’s shoulder and he tries not to laugh. “Very.”
Eddie knows he’s going to get an earful from her as soon as she can get him alone, but he can’t find it in himself to care right now. Not when Richie’s hand is on his waist and they’re swaying to the music.
“Kiss me for good measure?” he asks, tilting his head back to look Richie in the eye as he smiles at him.
“Eddie ‘Savage’ Kaspbrak? More likely than you think.” Richie muses but leans in, capturing his lips with his own. They linger for a second, pulling back slowly, savoring the moment between them.
Eddie hums when Richie pulls him closer, “You think this is gonna be us, for real one day?”
“I know it will be,” Richie says, and he finds that he really means it.
“Promise?” Eddie asks, resting his head on Richie’s shoulder as they continue to sway.
“I promise.”
Eddie leans up once more, pressing his lips to Richie’s. “That’s all I could ever ask for.”
“You’re all I could ever ask for.”
Tag list: @reddie-to-go @january-embers-beverly @kathrynew30 @eddiesrichie @hallmarkhanlon @reddieforanything @celerystyk
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Episode 9 | “Autumn's World”- Jakey
ok i really wasnt going to make a post tribal confessional because my last one was so long but like i have to get this off my chest... can i just say the irony is NOT lost on me that im the one who got the power to visit the pre jurors and plead my case on who i think they should vote for and......they voted for ME???? at least that's what my common sense is telling me because almost no one said anything to me during my trip there so... i doubt they voted amir because im pretty sure liam did?
like..... this game is REALLY starting to make me extremely self conscious like wtf i literally havent even met half of these people and the majority of them voted for me without even knowing me.... has my whole life been a lie? am i not actually the bomb dot com?? like i dont think im this amazing person or anything and obviously i know not everyone is gonna like me but WHAT is it about me that's clearly so polarizing with people and NOT in a good way... first people in the game i didnt know wanted to vote me out now people i dont know want me out too
do i have a sticker on my forehead that says hate on me? like trust and believe i hate myself enough i dont need yalls negativity too !
maybe im just too ahead of the times for certain people.. at this point i dont care, im a tough cookie and i guess im a little mean and judgemental so this is just my karma but whatever, pity party over, i guess you know you that bitch when you cause all this conversation zzzzzz
okay so i filmed two video confessionals while walking the dog but i think i just flipped the captain vote?! i truly do think i just flipped the captain vote while walking the dog which is so exciting. i knew voting jordan was stupid to scorn him for no reason, so i decided tj would be better, spoke to who i needed to speak to, and now its happening hehe [the two videos i filmed should explain why i did what i did].
this is the first time this game i felt like montenegro ali is not gone completely - i set a goal for myself and i made it happen. now no matter what this season i can be proud that i made something happen hehe. tj's target is gonna inflate like a balloon now hehe.
the way i did it was i spoke to autumn first, who i knew also had the connections with the beauties who would need to be flipped, then talked about my reservations with jake/devon/augusto. i knew autumn would push tj, and i just got to sit back and here them all say tj to me?! i feel so proud that i made that happen tm, now we have a scapegoat set up. i think update so:
Ideal Bootlist: Kendall > TJ > Jordan/Augusto > Jordan/Augusto > Duncan > Amir > F5: Me/Autumn/Jake/Devon/Adam
Ranking as a Juror: autumn > jake > amir > duncan > jordan > augusto > devon > adam > tj > kendall
okay so... i think as a consequence of the trust rankings, i think i'm now set up very well to be shielded by both my closest allies, jake for his idol play and autumn for the perception of her as someone who runs the tribe. ideally next two votes are maybe kendall then tj? idek
im gonna say something, that i NEVER say and im gonna OWN IT.
.
.
..
....
IM A DUMB BITCH. ok i say that a lot but THISSS time i really mean it, ive been playing this game so short sighted and completely narrowly, focused on getting these old beautys out for almost voting me out in the beginning, and today i find out, that little old ME is the one who's actually been the president of the clown academy smh
obviously, i do still think i was semi valid in not trusting any of those 3 at first, but today, amir approached me finally to clear the air, because like i said before, the reason ive had no interest in working with like him or augusto was because i knew what they were plotting against me, HOWEVER .... i guess i lacked some common sense that shouldve told me well look at it from their perspective, it's just very hard for me to trust when i was lied to so, i know for a fact someone went to amir and probably told him i wanted him out last round instead of liam, and i also learn that the REAL CLOWN OF ALL THE LANDS IS DUNCAN. I had a call with jordan today, and he basically spilled the beans that duncan wants my head on a silver platter?? first of all, duncan, you're a fool. I was completely on your side and actually trusted you, so thanks for nothing! I would not be surprised if he was trying to go to amir to plan to vote me out
I also talked to autumn on call today and she confirmed that to me as well, and it made me feel a lot better because i think duncan thinks that IM overconfident in the game which is NOT THE CASE...have yall seen my confessionals??? is it or is it not tea that all i do is sit and guess multiple scenarios for my paranoia...granted i KNOW im a diva and i have fits and my moments, but i genuinely try not to get comfortable, so the fact that HE thinks he can get comfty and get me out, boy you got another thing coming because i may not know what the HELL im doing 85% of the time but i think that's one of my best traits, im a wildcard and elusive and adaptability is what i try to go for more so than being that person in charge, because clearly anytime i think im in charge, thats NEVER the case... and congratulations because now there's an angry adam on the loose and duncan is now my biggest target out of no where. Funny how so much can change in less than a day huh? at this point i literally trust no one i feel like im at the liar convention of the century, i want to say i trust autumn, jordan, and kinda ali the most but idk anymore. I feel like Jakey is 100% in with duncan to get me out too but idk i dont have any proof, just a conspiracy because they both messaged me at the exact same time after ignoring me for hours so it made me think they had a call together of some sort and talked about me
I'm kinda upset with myself because every time i play i do this stupid thing where i refuse to look at the bigger picture, and im glad there's still enough game left i can kinda start to snap out of it and see where it takes me from here, even though ive played twice and done decent placement wise both times i feel like i have a lot to prove as far as people just thinking im an idiot and will never catch on to things, and i definitely think duncan thinks im an idiot now but you know what, ill let him think that because the fact that people are letting me in on things, shows me i must be doing at least something right
....although it could get tricky, because i really do love autumn and me and her both agreed jordan is a huge threat down the road, but jordan is also on my side right now so i need to treat carefully with that
i also need to get to WORK on connecting and mending my relationships with amir/augusto, at this point all i can do is try and be honest with them about whats been going on and hopefully they dont rule me out, BUT ... in my slight defense i never wouldve been so against them if they just owned up to it and not lied to me over and over again in the beginning xoxo
but i do hereby take away all the SHIT ive talked since like..... day 7 dajfks
ok last thing i want to touch on is im STILL confused why no one trusts me in this immunity challenge i got second to last after KENDALL..... like all shade at myself yall are giving me WAY too much credit... they all still think im stacked with idols and advtantages and even though i MAY have cracked the pyramid im not good at solving shit so FUCK 2048 FOR GETTING MY WAY OF GETTING THIS IDOL
just called with amir for ages and he was 100% misting me but i'm at peace with it he is super sweet.
Adam, welcome to your tape.
im not even sure where to begin .... ive never YELLED at a gay in my life like this... that gay being ME.... so here i am, having a breakdown going boo hoo hoo for me thinking people must just HATE me for whatever unknown reason, only for me to find out I UNKNOWINGLY GAVE EVERYONE A REASON DHAJKFDHAJKD
rewind back to survivor auction....obviously i knew with an anonymous auction people were ALL gonna start lying about what they really got and what not ... however, im sure none of them were STUPID ENOUGH TO TELL A BLATANTLY OBVIOUSLY FALSE FABRICATION LIKE ME I LITERALLY DIDNT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT ... SO I JUST WANTED PEOPLE TO THINK I WAS AT LEAST TRYING FOR IMMUNITY SO I TOLD EVERYONE I BID ON THE IMMUNITY NECKLACES THEN WHEN I DIDNT GET THEM I WENT FOR THE ADVANTAGE, MEANWHILE NOT USING COMMON SENSE AND REALIZING IF I BID ON THE NECKLACES....I WOULDNT BE ABLE TO BID ON THE CHALLENGE ADVANTAGE
i literally pulled a cirie trying to play officer sarah's own steal a vote against her but no not really because cirie is a LEGEND and im just a DUMB DUMB. AT LEAST CIRIE CAN SAY SHE WAS PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY EXHAUSTED WHICH IS WHY SHE MESSED UP BUT WHAT CAN I SAY?? ive never made such an idiotic mistake so obvious before.... i was probably high so ill blame the weed for some of it but mostly just me being dumb.
ive been sitting around DRAGGING people for lying to me and now here i am lying right to everyone BUT IN MY DEFENSE.....it really is such a MINUSCULE lie but considering i devoted my entire first part of my game to being against people for telling me the tiniest of lies, i must look like SUCH a hyprocrite
but one thing about me is at least ill own it, however, im now one of the biggest and easiest targets in the game because of what ive done so it's time to come up with something real quick (but not another lie NO MORE....)
i completely deserved #9 in that challenge but dhfakj its time to completely change my game because now no one is gonna want to work with me and it's my own fault, im a dead fish being asked to come back to life, im gonna have to find a way to play this off or even just come clean and hope it doesnt completely screw me....
but wait..... i just got 9th on all these people's lists and completely lied to everyone and.....somehow they decided to let me have immunity??? what the HELL is going on? i mean logically speaking if im the biggest target here now why not keep me around because im so stupid, at first i was just trying to ACT dumb but that i actually am just dumb, it makes it a lot easier that's for sure! so yeah .... gonna lay low for a bit and not dig myself in more holes
tj and jordan really. really. think they can vote autumn out to scoop me up? like do i look like a sheep, do i look like a clown? because i do not have wool nor do i have a clown wig on.
im so done with jordan he can pretend and preach till the cows come home that we are working together and that threats need to stick together.... but actions 100% speak louder than words, and his actions are nothing but shady so
yall: confess!
me, who's already made 10 confessionals per round and the 1 person yall weren't talking to: ok sure !
anyway im still an idiot just a tiny update, ive decided to come clean about that damn auction even though everyone already knew oop, lying clearly wasnt working for me even tho i got immunity so maybe it did work in some sick and twisted way??? I really just tried to play it up by telling everyone that i only did it because i have trust issues and didnt know who i could really trust until after the vote, which is kinda true, but obviously my lie was just stupid nonetheless like GOD i literally couldve been in a better spot by being honest all along, but its like.....i willingly stopped in the middle of the race to put a hurdle in front of myself.... but anywho, as long as i have immunity this round, it gives me time to do damage control and see if i can salvage any of my game dafshkj
I also talked with amir and augusto finally both on calls separately, to bury the unnecessary hatchet ive been holding onto, amir really did make me feel better about everything between us because he actually apologized because he was able to admit that everything that happened....was literally their own fault ctfu, like had they just been honest with me, we wouldve moved on, but i NO longer hold any ill will towards them about it from a game point, i liked being able to talk with augusto again too because i really did genuinely feel like he was someone i really wanted to play with, and i just dont want to be against the only other 3 brown gays in the game like me and autumn had such a long and great talk about the RACIAL bias in survivor YEAH i said it. I think we should have that conversation.
As far as the vote goes it's actually kinda crazy to me....autumn was just talking to me earlier about wanting jordan out because he is definitely a threat, and she's somehow single handedly gotten everyone on board to do it which is scary but im just like....in awe of watching her play like i truly believe talking with her is the reason i won immunity, and i truly think if i didnt have this immunity i would be the one leaving because of my damn big mouth and my own antics. but jordan's kinda been on my side giving me select tea, however i know for a fact he's been holding out on me, but voting him out is still absolutely gonna suck for me tbh, im gonna feel like a bad person, but if there's anything ive learned the last 24 hours of this game is that whatever, this is truly just a game and i need to stop being so overtly sensitive to everything and play smart from here on out. I cant beat jordan in the end. He also just has more loyalties to other people than me so, the plan right now might be to vote him out and he might think it's autumn so he doesnt do anything crazy? i mean part of me WANTS to let him in on the tea just so he can cause chaos but it would get back to me....and im not sure him staying would benefit me enough to piss everyone off, so for ONCE watch while i sit back and shut up
I should have done this yesterday, but I guess I'll spill now.
So yesterday was easily the worst day of this game so far for me. I was taking the LSAT, which I thought would give me some amount of a break from being talked about, but it turns out that everyone is going to vote me to be Captain. That part doesn't bother me AS much. What bothers me more is that Duncan and Autumn, who pent so much time genuinely connecting with, apparently turned on us to work with the Beauties over the alliance me and Jordan had with them. I understand that Autumn and Ali are close, yes, but I really thought the connection I had made with those two would allow them to at least stand up for me when people threw my name out there for Captain and have Adam voted as Captain WHEN HE WANTED TO BE IT!
And then I choose to save the Bottoms. I wanted to do this not out of revenge, but in order to have a potential in with the Beauty trio of Augusto/Amir/Kendall (on top of if I save the Tops, there is no way I win immunity). So I go with my gut, and then Jakey tells me there was a chat made with the Tops about how to get Adam/Amir/Augusto or some duo of those three safe in spite of my choice. So Autumn of all people, who we went to the same fucking university, decides to vote me out of spite. That just sucks so much to know because I genuinely thought I was going to work with her and Duncan. I truly thought there was something there. And now I feel I have to start back from square one. The day has come where I think I want to work with the Beauty trio; three people I've never been on the same tribe as, but at least they understand the situation I'm in since they have a similar one. Now we can hopefully prevent this stupid Brawn vs. Beauty grudge match that the Brains had created. No more.
The Ginger is done being Mr. Nice Guy. I won't sit around any more and let people take advantage of my kindness. I want to win this fucking game, and I intend to do exactly that.
This is likely the most 'dangerous' round I have been apart of.
Jordan/Duncan/Autumn/TJ have been involved in an alliance for quite some time. At 8:58pm EST (2 mins before the deadline), I jumped on and asked who I should eliminate. Instead of anyone telling me publicly who to eliminate, it was Duncan of all people who privately messaged me and said to eliminate his buddy Jordan.
Since then, I have had the opportunity to talk to a lot of people. I exposed the alliance to those I knew could play a role in breaking it up.
For now, the plan seems to be Jordan. However, almost everyone knows about it, and idols/advantages could come into play at any point.
Duncan should be safe for now, but his time is coming. I just need to be able to time everything.
Kendall, if you see this I just want you to know that I love you so so so so so much! I know these people for whatever reason don’t give you the time of day but it’s because of that that they don’t see just how amazing you are! Your crown is slipping ma’am, but don’t let it because you’re a queen and I love you tons <3
If I had to sum up this round, I would say that overconfidence is a weakness in this game. Just look at the MESS that has transpired this round. 1) Autumn pushed for Jordan a LOT as she was in a power position 2) It ended up falling on TJ due to Duncan initially voting that way and Autumn telling others to do that 3) TJ decided to save the bottoms instead of his alliance members for some reason 4) Duncan thought he could do the most and veto my immunity to “save” Jordan only to get Devon to do it instead so his hands are clean 5) Autumn and Duncan tried to control the entire round 6) Jordan thought he could pull a fast one on Autumn by approaching people to blindside her despite not building connections with a lot of players… BASICALLY, people need to humble themselves a bit. I understand that in these games, everyone thinks they are the smartest person here but like… these people tried to have their cake, ate it too, and then threw it up and caused a mess. It’s just… wow (‘:
While I would love to blindside Autumn soon, I’ve wanted Jordan Pines out since I got to the merge because he is a dangerous player. Going into the round, I didn’t see it as a possibility given that I alongside Autumn and Amir were the only people to feel like Jordan should leave. But now? He’s Public Enemy #1 and I’m all for it. Getting Jordan out helps me a lot because now I can possibly have TJ on my side, Autumn trusts me now more than ever, Jakey and I are getting closer, Duncan did all this craziness only to have the person he tried to save leave so he’s a target, and yeah… it just is in my best interest to do so so that’s what I plan on doing.
Ngl, I played victim this round because everything that has happened to me has been because of me being scapegoated in one way or another. Granted, I did tell Kendall and Amir to place me low on their lists but I’m sure I was #8 because of the Beauty trio. In a way, I’m using that to my advantage. Even Duncan deciding to veto my immunity and not Jordan’s has been something I’ve capitalized on a lot this round and I think that decision by Duncan is what turned the tides against him ultimately. Strangely, this round has been super amazing for me? yay?
The amount of TEA I have been given this round is insane. I know Amir has an idol, Devon has a double vote, Adam has a challenge advantage & he got to talk to the prejury, the existence of the TJ/Jordan/Duncan/Autumn alliance, I was the first Beauty Jordan approached to get Autumn out, Autumn told me that if she leaves she wants Amir or I to win, I was pulled into an alliance with Autumn/Devon/Amir/myself, Adam and I agreed Amir is dangerous so Adam wants me here more than Amir, and Jakey told me about the Tops group chat when it was made and told me everything that happened there (same with Autumn). I’ve been a tea collector this round and I’m not mad at all. While I love Amir, I do fear that our games are a little too intertwined and that if I sit next to him at the end, I’ll lose badly… but I think people also seem him as a major target so in a way he’s a shield? I need to find a way to separate myself gameplay-wise. I do think I’ve done a lot for our partnership (it was my connection to Devon and my connection to Autumn that got us in these good positions) so yeah we’ll see… I just want to win yknow ;-; love Amir sooooooo much tho
im gonna write a longer one in a bit but the summary rn is jordan pines can legit go peace out and send his white male rage somewhere else im not about to listen to him get mad at me when he wanted to blindside me this round like... get that energy somewhere else im not the one
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
THEY WERE GONNA MAKE ADAM CAPTAIN
AND WE PUSHED FOR IT TO A BRAWN
AND NOW BRAWN IS MAD AT BRAIN
IM GOING TO TRY
AND FINESSE IMMUNITY OUT OF THIS
okay okay so basically, ewkjfnekwfnew i spent all morning not wanting them to vote adam as a captain, and then for my list, i basically got multiple people to rig my position, aka devon jakey and augusto to put me mid low, and tried to make ppl put brain + ali at the top. now the lists are exposed, adam wants to work with me again, and ppl are scared of brawn + ali. I am trying to make that i can win immunity this round, and then i can shut my mouth and these people can fuck each other up
so PLEASAAAAAAASEEEE LET ME WIN IMMUNITY
So here we go let me spill some tea about these people, so last round, I had devon come to me and tell me that Adam said my name, Liam was the vote for me, and many people were entertaining it and were purposely leaving me on read. Like for the entire first round, Adam liam tj jordan and Ali all didn’t make a single effort to talk any game with me.
This round comes around, and it’s a damn trust list when I’m currently in the most notorious beauty threesome of all time, and Ik it’s not gonna go well cuz everyone wants us out cuz me kendall and Augusto are so prettty and they r jealous
But early on in the morning, autumn wants to call, and we do, and she’s like let’s make Jordan the captain vote, which makes sense cuz that’s what jakey and Augusto told me the night prior, so like all good I agree to make the captain Jordan. Basically, being the captain in this, SUCKS, cuz u won’t win immunity and u piss off 4 people, so miss autumn, hangs up on me to call other people and suddenly tj, who mind you is doing his LSAT exam, comes back to autumn and Duncan making him the vote for the captain.
They fucked him OVER LMAO, and then the trust list comes out, and allllll the beauties and jordan on the bottom, and alllll the brains at the top with Ali and jakey . So suddenly, tj has a change of heart and he messaged me about how wants to get to know the beauties better, and he cuts the tops and the bottoms live. But like, Duncan autumn tj and Jordan literallt had an alliance and the they fucked him over so like Dkndkdndkd
Anyway, the immunity challenge is happening, jakey and Devon help me win immunity discretely, And now I’m IMMUNEEEEE I suddenly love this crackhead competition , and with the list order, everyone can tell the brains are playing ALL SIDES. So adam and I finally decide to talk cuz we’re both at the bottom, and I’m like okay sis are we good, and he’s like I heard some shit and I was just really honest about early hathor and I think him and I are okay rn?? So like that’s good for me,
So me and adam are safe, and all hell breaks loose, cuz Jordan apparently was super convinced with his safety but autumn and Duncan cut them out of the competition. Duncan was so shady about it, he actually asked devon to do it, and he decided to do Augusto, so like Duncan’s way of being loyal to Jordan is to tell someone else to do it so he’s being extremely messy. He’s not telling me about his alliance STILL, playing dumb with me,
So autumn calls me and she IS POPPINGGGGG OFFFFFFF and dragging the 2 white boys from brawn to FILTH, and organizes this entire plan for them to think it’s between tj and Duncan, but we tell them autumn, and then we all vote Jordan.
Jakey tried to make it duncan but I refuse, because Duncan is necessary to be against Ali and Duncan’s whole ass game is blown up now. No one trusts him, so I want him here. and jakey was like fine hehe and honestly okay I love jakey so much, like I plan on being loyal for as long as he’s loyal to me but I feel like he’d cut me in a couple rounds. Rn we are tight tho and we tell each other everything.
Augusto and Kendall AND I MIGHT MAKE IT ANOTHER ROUND LMFAOOO DKDJDKNDD,
And the MESSIEST PART OF TODAY IS HOW AUTUMN GOT US FROM POINT A TO POINT B. Like she literally woke up, fucked over tj, then cut the brawn out of the comp, and then felt betrayed by them, for her fucking them over, and has now taken control of the game. Like I’m just gonna say, she betrayed her alliance with brawn and she’s starting to work with me and Augusto and for that I fuckin love her. She’s also super cool I’ll do a merge cast analysis next round
Anyway yeah good night love y’all xoxoxox
okay so today jordan calls me and hes like heyyyyyy sisterrrr lets all vote autumn and i say ok ok lets do it, but in my head im like nonononoonon, cuz jordan has spent 5 days talking about getting my out, and he literally doesnt even have the votes so i cant consider this cuz jakey isnt down at all, he simply doesnt have the numbers, so the plan is me tj jakey augusto kendall jordan vote autumn but we all rat on jordan, so everyone is suppose to split on jordan and tj but someone ratted to them and now no one is paying attention to me as much LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO
ps, jordan pines, i really really do like u and enjoy talking to u and i would love to get to know u after the game <3 , im still gonna slit your throat tho, sorry for that
okay so tonight jordan pines is going to jury. drew in my host chat said "i hate when my faves fight" and let it be known. im not going to fight jordan, im going to send him to jury so he can complain there. his rage and aggression im not in the mood to deal with.
its crazy how jordan brought the tribe together and his reign of terror tribe calls are not working. you cant come at people with rage, when your whole strategy has revolved around treating people like your pawns. like you treated this like chess but the one in checkmate is you.
cut to me being voted out but im sick of jordan and his attitude, this is a game in a serious time in the world. its coronavirus quarantine and portraying everyone as literal satan is fucked up and i have zero time for it so. he can take his bad energy to being the world's most bitter juror.
i really liked jordan, but this was a really toxic ugly side that came out tonight and i hate it
this lil challenge yall came up with it? I'm not with it
https://drive.google.com/open?id=1K3cO8KqOtvKoz6bPPlZ1IoTgrBWY5-7-
if yall dont come get Jordan Pines so I don't beat his ass because I wish he would pipe up to me. He got all the kids scared but not me. Bitch this vote is solid and you wouldn't be doing the most if you could save yourself so bloop. Ali ain't flipping, Devon ain't flipping, Jakey ain't flipping, and the POC's ain't flipping so you can have TJ and the little vote steal cause that's all you got. Wait til Duncan walks in and find out Jordan is trying to put the vote on him he'll really vote his ass out
Fuck an idol- if it gets played it gets played but it's not like he's getting to the end so if I walk into jury, so be it. Maybe I'll actually get to finish Cagayan since every time I get hooked in an episode, some fuckery goes down in Akhmim. ALSO WHO THE FUCK SNITCHED???? WE HAD TWO AND A HALF HOURS TO GO YOU SNAKE. I bet it was Duncan or Kendall cause they're the only ones messy enough to still be up Jordan's ass after aaaaaallll of this. Devon really thought about flipping because Jordan promised him he'd reveal the rat if Devon voted with him. Girl really??
https://giphy.com/gifs/oxygenmedia-bad-girls-club-bgc-bgc10-10hUQ2QszsZ75S
I'm so sick of these white boys I don't know what to do. Get back in line!!! You don't want the smoke and you know it!!! That's why Jordan's dumbass is trying to switch targets cause it's rock. solid. over here. And it's gonna stay that way too! We can kill Duncan on Thursday but tonight?? We ARE doing Jordan Pines, no I'm not taking any questions at this time. Fuck you mean "I'm tempted?" Bitch I'll end you right here right now. Tribal is minutes away so for fuck's sake stick to the damn plan. And when he goes, we got some things to discuss
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today was such a hot mess, first someone leaks the plan to vote jordan out, to jordan, first of all how DARE them because THEY BEAT ME TO IT......ok i dont know if i actually wouldve but i was considering spilling the beans which is why im surprised someone else did, as soon as this happens gorl MY messages were blowing up me and autumn messaged each other at the same time like BITCH DO YOU SEE THIS HASFDKJ but anywho it was actually sad, jordan gave me good tea in the game, so i did try and create a new plan to vote duncan out, because at first jordan wanted to do autumn but i said i didnt want to do that now, maybe eventually, but not now. She helped me win the immunity so i think she genuinely wants to work with me at least for now, but im no dummy i know she's a huge threat, and im well aware that's a move that ill eventually most likely need to make even though she is easily my favorite person to talk to next to augusto/devon/amir/jakey just on like personal levels, but.... ask jakey, im loyal as long as youre not a threat to me, but the minute you become a threat, their aint no team in i ... or whatever the saying is, but yeah i said no to autumn NOW, and i said if you want me to vote with you, help me get the votes to get DUNCAN since i know he's playing everyone and targetting me directly... it almost worked, but jordan making some of the other people feel some type of way hurt him and my chances of pulling this off because in the end i couldnt risk making that move without some of those people on board because i wouldnt want to sever my loyalties to them let alone blindside them (just yet at least), and that would have also forced me on a side with tj and kendall whom i just havent completely clicked with in the game nothing against them tho, but we'll see if im next out then i deserve it for not making a move i just hope i have time to make my move still
i think im doing maybe decent at trying to recover from the stupidest move of the game thus far being my POORLY thought out lie, me always quoting sandra "ill lie, but ill make up a GOOD lie.." in my head 24/7 really did not come through on that one... but anywho, devon has told me some piping hot tea, that he has the extra vote, ali has since he told me he has the nullifier, even kendall has made amends with me and ive never had a true problem with anyone personally but kendall was against me strategically and i think on call we at least cleaned the slate for now? ill probably still vote her out next round but at least i wont feel as bad
but duncan....oh duncan, sweet duncan, while i adore you as a person, i dont adore you lying right to my face when i straight up asked if you wanted me out originally, when both jordan AND autumn have told me what you been up to sis.... ask my fellow beautys i can hold a grudge so dont poke the bear! and not only that but i will start plotting getting you out and that's 100% the move i want to make next if i have any say in it. Because i think everyone sees now that he's trying to play everyone and recover from his own foolish move of getting exposed from his alliance... so now that i cant believe a word you say, you can no longer believe a word i say! We can keep chatting it up and acting like bestie boos and i do genuinely like him, but from a game point his usefulness has run up.
but who knows, im just the local town fool to these people, which is fine because at least i can acknowledge i am but ill probably just be voted out next fajdsk especially if my theory about duncan/jakey being in kahoots is true but guess we'll see
Okayyyyy soooo I have been socializing! It's pretty hit or miss! Ali and I talked briefly in the morning he showed me his doggo, she was absolutely precious. 10 out of 10 lost beauty tribe member will sacrifice my game for her. I talked it out with Jakey, while I don't trust him as far as I can throw him, I feel better about our relationship. Like I said I have better things to do then hate someone because of a game and I feel better knowing that he doesn't hate me on a personal level and vice versa. My call with Duncan was very informative. Turns out Scott and Duncan were the duo rather than Autumn and Duncan and the entire Devon situation wasn't as convolutedly stupid as I had initially thought. Devon I'm so sorry I called you stupid many times in these confessionals I meant it affectionally but I guess you really aren't lol. I am so sorry you are not stupid maybe game botty but you aren't dumb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He also agreed to work with us, I don't know if that means he's going to vote out a Brawn this round but he will probably keep me around if only for a spare vote. I tried messaging Liam to see if we can call... he hasn't message me back. It's been day... goddamnit Liam... Adam has been talking smack about me, Augusto, and Amir. Which fair enough I guess, we did try to kill him early in the game. But between us and the NuHathor, you'd think we'd be the better option to work with? Idk, Duncan said he'd talk to him but I don't hold out too much hope. I like talking to TJ quite a bit, he reminds me of Jimmy from Malaysia. He's pretty quick witted and a fun conversationalist. God I miss Jimmy :(. If worst comes to worse I really hope my fantastic personality will help me get out of this shit hole.
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Final thoughts on NDRV3
posted under cut because spoilers!
So I want to write a little review for.. i dont even know whos gonna read that? probably nobody that still wants to play the game afterwards, haha. Anyway I felt like writing a final report on what I liked or... disliked, at least for the record I guess.
Starting with characters:
When I first watched the trailer, there were quite a few characters that caught my eye. Especially Yonaga and Amami, also Saihara and talent wise I was really looking forward to Ultimate Magician cause?? Nice? Also the promo pictures oh my.. Akamatsu and Harukawa?? Hell yeah. Saihara and Momota? Yeah alright! Amami and.. whos that again? Ah yes Ouma.. well I don’t really care but sure? (haha)
Actually playing the game made me think twice on a lot of characters really quickly. First of all I immediately fell in love with Chabashira and the fact that she and Akamatsu got along was just suuuper exciting!! Also Shinguuji seemed interesting but his story seemed a bit difficult for me to understand in Japanese. After getting to know Hoshi for a bit I also became really attached to this character cause he was kinda relatable for me? and I dont mean because of the same alias, I just felt his kinda nihilism and will to sacrifice himself for the others cause they have more “will to live” hit home really closely. I think if it were me, surely I’d behave similarly. Halfway through the story I suddenly realized I really love Ouma, I don’t even know how that happened cause at first I was kinda meh towards him but smh it happens quite often that characters who pissed me off before suddenly become my bias, soo we are stuck with him now I guess? but ill talk about him in more detail later. Saihara turned out to be a true “meh i dont really care about this guy” character, Harukawa was annoying cause in the end her behaviour changed nothing and it was just plain boring. Hagakure.. I mean Momota was same, and it was even worse that these two kinda became a romantic pair cause that just made them even more boring. I could only acknowledge Momota after it was found out that he agreed to Oumas plan.
Also I ended up disliking most of the other characters, ESPECIALLY Yumeno cause she was equally boring and useless and dont act like you ever cared about Chabashira cause Im not buying that. Angie WOULD have been interesting if she had killed someone after all, but yeah whatever. Shinguuji had the potential but they decided to completely fuck over his character in his trial.
The game mode:
Tbh at this point, I cant really complain much? I gotta say I disliked logic dive and forgot how its called.. the sword mode something something. But then again I played this on pc and I think both wouldve been a lot easier with a controller. Now lets look at brain drive, which works similar like logic dive and... what? i have to pick up sex workers? Saihara’s car is full of sexy ladies? WHAT
seriously i dont know what they were thinking but that just weirded me the fuck out. The rest wasnt so bad. The new game mode they brought in wasnt so bad, relatively easy to win but to this day id need so much more time to figure out how to clear every block. The showdown thing?? pretty shit. I liked panic talk action in the previous games, but now it became a button mashing rhythm game that was.. pretty difficult aint gonna lie. Also the fact that you literally tear off their clothes until they are half naked in the end.. what. the. fuck. Climax logic was alright, but the pictures got really tiny i think? sometimes it was hard to get what was going on unless you read the description. Scrum debatte was great, and the new feature to lie? ... Meh. Smh from the trailer I got the impression that i could either lie or tell the truth. Maybe I was just too stupid to do that, but i dont think i ever had a choice to do either. If someone was able to do different, please tell me cause I was a bit disappointed.
Ah also, weak point panic talk(?) where you have to listen to many characters at first. if im not wrong it was introduced as something only Akamatsu can do? because of her musical ear I mean. Well guess that was a lie,
The trials:
Probably THE main thing in dangan ronpa I mean hey we all came here to enjoy a little murder mystery right? (jk im here to romance the characters in peace mode) Let’s say I wasn’t... too impressed with them.
The first trial was pretty interesting, well done too, if it WASNT for the point that the player character herself was the killer and got executed. Wait what, you just took my character away? after the FIRST trial? Yes exactly. I’m not sure what they were thinking except adding a bit more drama and man pain for Saihara but ill write more to that later. At the end of this trial, everyone cried more for the killer than for the victim just because her motive was something as noble as “I knew we wouldnt make it in time so one of us had to kill someone.”
second trial was... incredibly weird and unnecessarily cruel, and I’m not saying this because Hoshi is my bias. Okay maybe I am. But seriously first he gets drowned and then his corpse is eaten by piranhas so theres not even anything left of him anymore? The whole creating a ropeway with a pool floating thing just felt weird to me as well but sure I wrote it off as “after two games theyll eventually run out of ways”. Speaking about the motive... it was similar to the first murder in dr1, but the fact that Toujou turned out to be some president of a country (if I got that right, I was bored and didnt bother checking unknown words) and she wanted to get out to save her people just.. what? And I said this before but I dont believe that Hoshi just “let himself get killed”. Why’d he fight for his life otherwise and leave all those scratch marks on a fucking stone sink? After the trial, again, nobody cried for the victim, they were all ridden on the killers noble idea of getting out.... okay? what
the third trial!! hell yeah!! that was finally one i could really enjoy, despite my waifu getting killed (but she was beautiful until the end). I actually dont know what really got me to like this murder, but the fact that it was definitely plausible maybe helped. Also when it happened right in front of everyone was just really exciting! The trial was... good, until Shinguujis “real identity” was revealed. His motive was pretty gross, I mean the fact that hes romantically in love with his sister and kills for her, which also implied hes a serial killer just.. idk that was weird, but FINALLY they didnt cry for the killer but for the victims.
trial four was a PAIN to get to, istg this stupid game world pissed me off to the point where i didnt wanna play anymore, also cause i heavily suspected Ouma to do something and I didnt want him gone haha. The death itself turned out to be pretty interesting (tbh i wouldve never thought theyd kill of a ero character like Iruma! ) so I’d say i liked this trial.
Dude trial five!!! hyped me up so much. I was so torn between hoping Ouma is the killer and also Ouma being the victim... if I ignore the stupid romance interval between Harukawa and Momota, I could even say this was my favorite trial. But it also heavily reminded me of Komaeda’s trial which was a bit.. weird. I got pretty pissed that in the end, Momota didnt go through with Oumas plan, therefore making his death basically useless. But boy the trial gave me so many Ouma feels, so that was nice...
The sixth and final trial... where do I even start? Well its where the whole plot comes to an end right? And the kotodama looked pretty interesting, just like the build up but then.. I understand that 4th wall breaking is cool, but do it too much or at the wrong time and its just a pain in the ass.
The trial almost had me throw away my ps vita in frustration also it was so boring i ended up skipping a lot of dialogue cause what are you even trying to get at? Not even the end or some more 4th wall breaking could fix this and literally until the end i was so bored that i just skipped through so i could unlock bonus mode... i almost feel like telling everyone, dont play this game now lol.
The story
If the beginning had you wondering, isnt that normal for all dr games? at least i thought so. normal game, normal killing, great. But the new main character! Akamatsu was pretty lovable. I enjoyed the way she brought in her talent into conversations (and left others stunned cause they couldnt relate). She was just really refreshing to play as, just the small romance-y sections with Saihara were boring (but at this point i thought its just being friends so okay) . Compared to Naegi who was seen by the others mostly as a “loser” or weakling who sometimes says something good, and Hinata whom everyone really liked, Akamatsu seemed to me like having some people who really trust her, and those who are somehow against her. AND THAT FELT RIGHT.
Too bad she literally gets killed as the murderer during the FIRST trial and replaced by Saihara who evidentally gives off a ~Naegi vibe~. Seriously why would you even do that.. It was stupid as heck, but the only good thing is that it saved us from possible Saihara and Akamatsu love story.
Continuing, Saihara loses some of his weakness thanks to Momota, and also it is hinted that Ouma can’t really be trusted or can he...? Cause what he did that was thought to be evil and possibly harmful for the others actually turned out to be a way to at least prevent one killing. After that I got the feeling that he actually grew just a little bit closer to the group and became even more helpful again.
Then we have these weird scenes with Harukawa and Momota, which are just weird and Harukawa herself was a boring character, but if you care for some tragic background and forseeable character development that of course has to end with romantic feelings, sure.
The student council thing to prevent murders from happen was actually pretty interesting and i wish theyd gone through with that just a bit more, but it was a nice turn of events.
Talking about Ouma, the moment you think hes on your side, theres this weird scene with him and Monokuma and you know somethings up. I made a post about this earlier too, wishing for him to double cross everyone and eventually turn out good, but that suddenly turned into a pretty far fetched wish after the fourth trial where hes portrayed as ultra evil and later on reveals that hes the mastermind (wait, is he really? should his black and white clothing scheme have given him away sooner?)
i guess i... didnt mind it so much except for the fact that Ouma wont appear that often anymore. he even goes as far as to say that the killing game is over, but isnt it kinda boring that the character who hinted that he was evil, turns out to be evil after all? Well a lot of things in this game were a bit boring, so... sure. We even learn that Ouma is a remnant of despair and what?? how does that even make sense. If they are supposedly students of the new Kibougamine Gakuen which was built by Naegi, Junko and Despair wouldve long been dead! Alright then? Oh yes also the whole setting ins in SPACE and those students are the last 16 humans from earth who were put in cryosleep until they reached a new planet to live on. Oh...kay? Why not I mean.
For Hope to win, everyone sets out to kill Monokuma to finally make the Killing game end for real and.. look, Ouma is helping them! Somehow that is really giving me hope for his character even if his insane laugh and incredibly creepy sprite (seriously what the fuck) are a bit unsettling...
And then.. who wouldve thought? Another killing happens but this time with a twist. Ouma wasnt actually the ultra bad guy everyone thought and guess what! Hes not even the mastermind! Thats my son. I was super happy that some faith in Ouma was restored, even tho his plan to snuff out the true mastermind reminded me of Komaeda going crazy to single out the traitor... especially cause there are quite a few similarities between those two.
So for the final trial, it seems that there are quite a few hints linking to the true mastermind being Enoshima... again? How did she even get here. But theres some weird plan from the government and the fact that Monokuma is here as well might be that someone implanted some sort of virus like in sdr2? We also know that theres definitely someone who is watching the whole killing game. And thats... where it all goes to shit.
This dangan ronpa is the 53rd installment and the people watching are actually dangan ronpa fans! surprise youre all just fictional characters who chose to be here, and so is every other dangan ronpa character! nothing is real, you dont even really exist! lololol
do i need to say any more
I think that was the worst plot twist ive ever seen? You couldve just somehow figured something out, even make it a reality tv show for crying out loud but not some bullshit like ohh the dangan ronpa fans wanna see you despair! they wanna see you have hope!
fuck. off.
if it wasnt for that ending, that game wouldve been a solid 7/10 I’d say, especially with the last 3 chapters really getting me fired up. But that shit.. Its a literal, oh we just made this game cause you fans wanted it? we didnt actually wanna make this but you keep asking for more?
HOW ABOUT YOU DIDNT EVEN MAKE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE
im gonna go romance ouma in peace mode now bye
#hoshis adventures at uni#hoshi plays ndrv3#ndrv3 spoilers#ndrv3 review#this is nothing but a salty rant i lied
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I waited until i got to work to type this.
The end of this month crosses the 1 year mark. only one year ago my world was completely different, and on the Verge of Collapse. A little backstory is needed before i continue.
Yesterday was a normal Tuesday for me. Work didnt stress me, no problems arose. My parents texted me and my brother to eat steak for Dinner. The Food was delicious, and i was preparing to head home, hit a Nice Big Dab, play a round of Smite, and hit the sack, seeing as how i hadnt slept in over 24 hours, and the only thing fueling me was the Gram of Coke i bought on Monday lol.
So as i Get up to Put away my dishes and say goodbye, i get a FaceBook Message. Its my Cousin, Isaiah.
He says he got into an Argument with his dad and got kicked out. He needed somewhere to sleep for the night.
Sure, I tell him. I cant just ignore him if he has nowhere to go. He meets me at my house 5 Minuets later with a backpack full of beer, a bottle of Vodka, and half a loaf of bread and sandwhich meats. My Cousin is crazy lmao, he has the Apache Blood in him more than me. Anyway, since hes staying, i ask if he can find some Wax, so i wouldnt be taking from my Brothers Stash. We meet up a half hour later and pick it up.
so were in my garage, passing the rig back and forth while i Showed him how Smite Worked. And then suddenly he pulls a rolled up baggie out his pocket.
A rolled white Baggie full of powder.
“well we can finish this off, then. since youre letting me Crash here.”
Im not one to ask for payment to crash at my place, but i wasnt gonna say no either lol.
he pours it out on the glass i had been using myself and began to chop it fine with the razor blade i used too.
i had taken a couple pretty good sized dabs in quick order, so i was pretty toasted when he handed me the glass and rolled up dollar. I only saw the 2 lines he had cut on it, so i just assumed he cut two for both of us and i was going first. So i just aim the dollar at the line on the right and Snort away, dragging the dollar quickly, then my Nostril Burst into Flame. I had made a mistake, he cut one line for Me from the PILE on the left.
The PILE i just Tornado’ed up my nose, and was now drinking water to keep my throat from going numb from the river of coke mucus running down it. I hear my Cousin laughing next to me.
“youre a maniac, Cuz! you railed that whole Fat ass pIle!”
Well Fuck. so much for sleeping. Lighting Coursed through my Veins 5 minuets later, and i started drinking Beers to fight the Drip.
Now Isaiah told me that it was Good Shit, but i hardly take his word for it Nowadays. hes off mark most of the Time. Not this time, Though.
15 Minutes Later im Chainsmoking Cigarettes out front of my Driveway Drinking beer and my Jaw was shaking in my Head.
You know its Good Shit when it makes someone who spent the last 24 hours doing Coke often, gives him the Jabber Jaw.
me and Isaiah just began to talk bullshit into the NIght. at Around Midnight he was talking about a girl he knew for awhile now liking him. And him liking her too but he didnt think a Relationship would be good at the Time.
Then Youre Face appeared in my Head. Like it always does. I havent Gone a day yet where i dont see you in my head.
I dont know what caused this, Perhaps it was the Coke in my System with the Beer. Or Maybe it made me finally push past my Insecurities.
i Began to talk about how i Felt the Same, how i couldnt really talk to other women or really want to because of the Luggage i was Still Carrying with My Ex, Maria.
And from there i began to talk and Talk and Talk. I couldnt Stop, the Words i had been saying in my head Every day this Past Year came out. I sat in my Garage all night Long, Until 5:00 AM, Talking to Isaiah About Her.
I didnt hold back, and surprised myself as my eyes stayed dry and my Voice Stone Cold.
I told HIm about How every Woman i ever Dated All Cheated on Me and Left me without a Second Glance. About How My First Girlfriend Megan roped me into a 3 year Lie and ruined my trust in people. I talked about how the girls i dated afterwards all did the same thing, and how i wished i was joking to him.
I told him about how i blamed myself for each failed relationship, and how id spend nights trying to figure out a way to fix myself. How i felt like i wasnt meant to be Happy with anyone and how i stuffed it all down deep and dealt with it only in my most private moments.
...And Then i told him about How I Met her in my Junior Year of High School. The Class was Anatomy, a class full of 24 teenagers with the worlds Laziest Teacher. It was the First Day, and I walked in to a semi empty classroom with kids walking around, picking out a seat for the rest of the semester. the desks all faced forward, in groups of twos in four rows across. I took a seat on the outside Left side around the Middle. I just dropped my Bag and sat in my Seat, waiting for the class to start, checking my phone every now and Again.
And the seats began to fill up, the Desk next to me taken by a Tall Nerdy looking kid with blonde hair and Garth Glasses, A KId i Befriended. Daniel Butttruck. Thats not how you spell the last name but thats how it sounds lol. So i named him Butt Truck and thats his name to this day lol.
The Chair in front of Daniel on the right was taken by a Friend of Daniels, A glasses clad Girl name Aly, And all you need to know about her is that she has a IQ just North of a Bedroom Slipper.
And lastly, A Girl In crutches slowly approached the chair in front of me, and slid into the Chair as the class started. She had a big black velcro Boot strapped to her Leg, and it stuck out into the walkway on our left a bit. She had Dark Hair that was cut into a really cute short style. At first i didnt really notice her until a few weeks into the semester where the Teacher flipped the front two desks around, making Pods of 4. So Now She Faced me and Aly faced Dan on the right.
Thats When i noticed her.
She had Brown Eyes that shone slightly, like Fine Wood Tarnished to a Dark Brown Mixed with Lighter Browns. Her nose was a small little Button Nose between her prominent Cheekbones that raised when she smiled. She didnt Wear much Makeup, or at least looked like she didnt. I remember to this day about how i would see her smile and laugh a bit as we all got comfortable as a group, me cracking Jokes and being dumb some days, with Days. As time passed i began to Notice her more. I began picking her out in the hallways as i walked to class. Sometimes I would say Hi and see her reaction.She was like me in some ways, wasnt a morning person, and had the same sense of Humor. I remember the time Dan Told us about how he Broke his Leg at Blizzcon.
Yeah, if youre not 12 years old, Dan was the Kid who Broke his Leg in like 2006 at Blizzcon Dancing like a Zombie. He was on Tosh.O or was going to be? ill ask him next time i see him lol. Anyway, hes telling us this story and Maria and I are Freaking Out because we realized he is Internet Famous, and Laughed Like Crazy.
Soon enough, I went from saying hi when i saw her to stopping by her morning class to say hi and chat, since my morning class was down the hall from hers, then sometimes wed walk toward our next class. Mind You, i Was a Junior at 17-going on 18, and Maria was two years younger than me. I never tried to flirt with her, but i enojoyed talking to her. I remember clearly One Winter Morning as i walked in from the Bus Lanes to my Morning Government Class, I see her standing by her Morning classroom, i dont remember what it was. She had her phone and was tapping away on it. I quickened my Pace as i passed her, and called out, “Maria!” she popped her head up and looked at me, and i Flipped her off. She gave a look of Confusion and laughed, walking into her classroom as the bell rang. I remember giggling to myself as i sat down, then asking myself, “Why the fuck did i do that for?? Idiot!”
That was the beginning of my Senior Year, Graduated 2011. We didnt have much contact after i Graduated, while i did the little schooling i did do, and work at that God Awful Produce Factory that first year out of High School.It wasnt until about a year or so later, when i started my job at Wal-Mart and Moved in with Christian. i remember it being Spring When i Saw Her Again. I Was collecting carts to put back in the cart corral, when i heard a Girls Voice Call my Name out in the Parking Lot.
I look out towards Barros Pizza in the plaza and i saw her Again.
It was a Bright Sunny Day, Not too Hot yet in the Summer. Her Hair had grown a bit longer, but still had its shape. She wore a Bright Yellow SunDress with Sunflowers on it. I remember how Cute i thought it was on her. I remember this moment so clearly because it was in that moment i felt something inside my heart. Like a Spark running through it.
I smiled and walked out to meet her, she had two of her other friends with her, they had been eating at Barros. Maria Hugged me and Asked me how i had been, and i told her about how i started working there and i live on my own now, looking into colleges. We chatted for a few minutes before i had to go back to work. I asked for her number to text with and, she walked off. As i went back inside i remember the times in Anatomy with our little group, and how i used to enjoy chatting with her. it also made me Remember the day i flipped her off, Years ago. As i lay down in bed that night, I remember thinking of her and telling myself, “you know, i think she would be an awesome Girlfriend.”
Months Passed and i hadnt had much Contact with Maria. I had my own problems at the time and i remember that period of my life to be so unstable i didnt want to date a girl and Live there lol. But i would text her every now and then and wed talk for a bit. I remember her dating someone at the time, and living with them. One Night in Particular I noticed she was posting on Tumblr and it seemed like she was Upset. So i Texted her and asked if she was doing alright. She said she was fine, but shes too much like me, i say that just to get people to leave me alone. I text back that she can talk or vent to me, that i didnt mind. And she did. She began to talk about her Relationship with her BF and how they rarely see each other because of work schedules and School. She told me she was thinking of just packing her things and leaving while he was at work. I told her, “Do what you have to do. if you arent happy, why are you there?”
i texted about a week or so later. She left him. She Began talking about moving to Portland With a Friend, and Getting out of AZ. I remember being bummed out at the news, my feelings for her had began to grow. I decided to step away for awhile, let those feelings go away. It must have been around 3 or 4 months later, or longer? But anyway, i see her posting on Tumblr Again, and i send her a DM asking how shes been, and if she moved to Oregon. She replied back and said her Friend Flaked, and that she really didnt want to go anyway. She says to text her, and i Ask for her Number Again.
From then on, we talked semi often every couple days, more and more often as time passes. Finally, one Day i ask her to hangout sometime, go to the arcade, play air hockey. We had been talking pretty often by then, but no obvious flirting or anything. We meet up at the arcade and we take turns playing different games, Giant Connect Four, Air Hockey, Ticket Games. She bought me a little T rex with her tickets, i named him Revan. Then we just sat on a couch and People watched those who walked in. I remember feeling her arm against mine as we sat together, and Me leaning in Quickly and kissing her cheek, and Seeing her Smile.
About 4 or 5 more little Dates Later, I ask her if she would be serious, because i wanted to be.
Her Face Brightened as i saw her give the biggest Smile i ever seen from her, and she said Yes.
I told Isaiah how as the first year passed, i had been drunk off the happiness i had at the time. As i learned more about Maria, the more attractive she was to me. She is unlike any woman ive ever met before, or have met since. I told him about how i talked about her to my friends all the time, how smart she was, how she volunteered at a Funeral Home Embalming Bodies and playing with Corpses like a Badass.
Then came my 22nd Birthday, on the first year we were dating in 2014. I didnt even want a present from her, she was all i wanted any day. I dont know why i never told her things like that. She Baked me Fudge Brownies after work on the week of my birthday, and i was more than happy.
Then she pulled a box out of Nowhere, Smiled That Warm Smile i Had come to Adore, and Said “Happy Birthday Babe!”
Before that Moment, i Cant recall a time that i was genuinely Surprised like that. I remember the words stopping in my throat and jumbled with the ones i had tried to say Next. Genuine Excitement as i opened the Long Brown Box. I opened the top flap and pulled the Styrofoam Casing to the Rectangle stick inside, Bright White with a Black Line going Down along the Length of it. And inbetween the space in the Line at the Hilt, Was the Red and White Sigil of the Uchiha.
A fucking Uchiha Sword! Like i was in actual Disbelief when i Realized. And what i explain next i never told anyone other than Isaiah that night.
I had to Try my Hardest to keep from Crying in that moment. Not because i loved the Gift she had gotten me, and how she made it a surprise, Something no one has done for me before.
It was because i remember a couple weeks before,as we scrolled Netflix one evening, i Saw Naruto on the list. I geeked out and asked you if you ever watched it, and began geeking out about it to her. I Made her watch some of my favorite episodes, and she would playfully Tease me about it. As My birthday neared, i came home from work one day to watch some Naruto Myself, and Booted up Netflix.
Someone went about 4 episodes ahead of where we Left off Last. I was at Work, and it was her Netflix Account. She actually started watching it because of how much i told her i liked it. Then She picked out something SHE thought i would like, instead of asking what I wanted like My Lazy Ass does.
No one had ever shown interest in Me like that before, and it touched me right in that moment. I blocked all emotion and was all smiled as i Hugged her Maria and told her how much i loved it. That thing was glued to my hip for like 2 months straight, i would get high after work and watch old Samurai and Ninja Movies, and act out the sword fighting with it. I even slept with it for the first Week.
In the days after that, i saw Maria in a whole new Light. I always knew the Maria who had her walls up to Anyone, the “i really dont care,” attitude she had when she was grumpy in the mornings. I got a glimpse at the Maria That was Behind that wall, The Real Maria.
Who Was sweet, considerate, and Generous. Loving and who could make me laugh.
Ever since that i saw that small glimpse of Her, My heart swelled and pumped blood thrice as hard, and my hands would shake and my mouth would get dry.
I was Falling in Love with you.
Hours have Passed, its Around 2 AM. The Line of Coke has me at Full Speed still, having plenty to say still. Isaiah just sits and drinks, giving the odd acknowledgement every couple of Sentences.
The months after my Birthday have passed, and things seem great between Maria and I. If i only knew what i know now.....
If i had just Put more Faith in You, and in my Heart. It Kills me to know how things would be if i had just manned up and told you how you made me feel....
After the first year, the strain began. We both worked. I had the accounting Job with the Contracting Company, and Maria was Working at a local Kids clothing store, and Volunteered at the Funeral Home, Along with her classes, AND she tutored.
i understood she had a full plate alot of the the time, not to mention the headaches and pains she would have. And that time of the month the poor girl was in pain Constantly. So i didnt get upset or mad when she didnt have time to visit or was too tired from work. we were always talking.
But eventually the Strain and My past would come to Signal the End. it was August, 2015. My brother had fallen Behind on his Mortage Payments on his house, and needed to make a payment ASAP or he would lose the House. Naturally i gave him all the spare cash i could to keep a roof over our heads.
Unfortunately, It left me Penniless during the Month of August, which Marias Birthday was in. I Felt Like Complete Shit but i was in a corner. I apologized to her and promised to make it up to her. It wasnt a big deal to her, but i just hated that it made me look like i dont give a shit.
I had an Ace an hole, Though. i Saved a link to a site that makes Custom Rings that Maria had posted in Tumblr that she really liked and wanted. I ordered it and did it early enough to get it before Christmas. It was already Too Late.
Maria was beginning to grow distant, not replying as soon or as often before. the replies getting shorter and shorter, the tone colder and colder. As we approached My birthday again, I plan a Group event with my friends and family, cause last year we went Paintballing and Maria wasnt there, she had work and class.
So im thinking of what i could do for a group, and i see that Charlie Murphy is doing a show ON my Birthday, a Friday! It was Perfect. I called and Reserved seats for everyone, ordered Bottle Service, i was so excited!
I texted Maria Telling her About the Comedy show and Date of My Birthday. She says she cant make it cause of work, she gets off at around 12. I was Bummed, but I understood.
The Big Day comes and it starts off great. Work was a Breeze, and Maria greeted me with a Warm Happy Birthday first. As the day progressed Everything seemed Normal. As evening sets, we all get ready to go to the show. 8 o clock, Showtime!
it was a Fantastic Show, me and all my Friends and Family drinking and Laughing our Asses off. The only thing missing was Maria. I texted her before the show saying id text her after it was over. it woulda been near to midnight, and she coulda met up with us. The show ends around 1040, and the manager says we can finish off the bottles in the bar. Me and my Friends stay, and start getting Tanked.
Midnight Comes, and i text Maria asking if she was off yet and if she wanted to come meet us. Time passes, and no reply.
she probably went home and crashed, she was probably tired, I think, as it wasnt Abnormal for her to Nap during the Day or whenever she could. So i check Facebook, and it Hits me.
A friend Tagged her and some friends at Westgate, not Long ago.
My heart Goes into FreeFall in My stomach.
Why would she be at Westgate After work? did she Ignore my Text...? why...?
My insecurites flared, and i assumed the worst. I remember everything going Quiet around me, My heart Hammering in my chest, blocking out all other noise.
i Shouldve just called. i Shouldve had more Faith in you, and what i Meant to you.
When every girl you date cheats on you and leaves, in a Row, it was hard not to assume the worst, when the worst is what always happens to you.
I remember the tears welling up in my eyes as i get up to go outside the bar. She went to go out with her friends, and she knew it was my Birthday Today....
It didnt make any sense to me, it all seemed so unbeliveable. But ive been wrong before. And add the excessive Alcohol, you get a Recipe for a Terrible Mistake.
I wasnt Dumb, I knew Maria and I were Drifting apart, Our schedules getting more and more hectic. My job stressing me the fuck out day after day, Marias Packed Schedule.
I was so fucking stupid. Why did i wait? Why didnt i just drop to my knees and tell her when i look at her eyes, i feel like i could do anything. That when she was in my arms i Felt like i needed to become a Better man for her. Why did i wait?
December. Jerkoff Hipster making her ring is falling behind, gonna need a couple more weeks. delivery date mid Janurary. I Threw A fucking Fit. i could feel it all slipping away, no matter what I did. Why did i Wait?
I was so Terrified of Opening up to you, and you not feeling the same way. The Thought of looking into your eyes and telling you that i was in love with you, and i wanted to be with you forever, or until i died. I was Terrified of looking into your eyes and Shooting me down. The texts got shorter and shorter. only strengthening My doubts and Fears.
Christmas. The Ring wasnt Ready yet. Another Fucking Embarassment. She got me a Captain Phasma Painting and some Marvel Shirts. I tell you, “look, i ordered this is time to get it for Christmas, but the Guy Got Delayed and it wasnt ready yet, but... i showed you the Ring on my Phone.
It was the last smile i Saw on you in Person.
So many oppurtunities, wasted. so fucking Stupid. I promise to make it up to you.
Down to One Word Answers, or no Reply at all.
Janurary 2016. Hiroshima.
Valentines Day is Coming, Ill have the Ring Then! and i ordered a Cute little Stuffed Corgi to go with Some Flowers and a nice Romantic Date! i order everything and wait.
You came over one week, and seemed in such a foul mood, i couldnt place it. I thought you were in Pain Probably. I tried to cuddle you, kiss your cheek, you clearly dont want the affection. I try something alittle more...Adult.
You Grabbed my Wrist, and Yanked my Hand away, throwing it off you. I was in Shock. I still remember the look you Gave me that night, Clear as day. That Piercing Glare, Looking Right at me. Pure Anger. and Pain.
Youre replies, in thier Rarity, lacked no padding for thier sharp edges. I believe its all Over Now.
Late January 2016.
You came over one Last time. We had Sex one last time. I remember grabbing you after the first go around as you got up and laid you back down. I was such a Fool.
The Ring was Delivered that Weekend. Monday i text you to see when your free to visit next, your ring is ready and i wanted to see if it fit correctly. You reply your busy tomorrow. i ask with what? you reply with: Concert. i ask What concert. You say: Tribal Seeds.
You stopped Replying After That. The Next Day i texted you again asking when can you come hangout and see your Ring?
You Broke up with me after that.
It felt like everything around me had fallen below me, and all that was left was the dark and Silence. Typing about it now makes the Hole in my heart Ache. I remember how hard the Rain Poured that Night.....As i Cried along with it.
And it was only the Beginning for me.
The first weeks after that day are a blur to me. Either Too Many Drugs Or too Many Drinks, take your pic. i was Broken. One moment you were there, you were mine, and i was gonna fix everything come Valentines Day. I had a Nice Romantic Dinner planned, then a Scenic Walk where i would show you the ring and tell you that even though were having a Rough Patch right now, that i loved you and i wanted to do everything i can to prove it to you.
But you Had other plans didnt you?
God i can still feel my heart when I saw pictures of you and Him....I dont know how to Describe how Painful it was to see. It was only Feb, and you were already with someone else? Posting Valentines Shit? I cried for hours, I begged for you not to be like the others, To just leave me for Someone Else so Fucking Fast, like i was Nothing to you.
But thats how it went down, though. Didnt it?
Friends for over 5-6 Years, Lovers for 2.
I couldnt even get a goodbye.....Just a Text. Was that all i was worth, to you?
You got with him within Weeks of Dumping me. Yet your Tumblr youre heartbroken and sad. It was like i had Entered into some NIghtmare.
within the First Two Weeks, I dropped four Hits of Acid at Once. I wanted to Escape. Instead i jumped right into it. I see you posting on Tumblr. Sad, Depressing things. Your Tags show how you deleted the texts from your phone, even though you didnt want to. How you could literally see in your texts of your declining Affection for me. In the end, It was my own doing.
With the Courage of Acid, I messaged you. I ask if your okay, and you ask why, like i dont see your posts, like i dont possibly know why you could be feeling so sad. Even then, at the end, you couldnt be honest with me.
I ask you Maria cant we please Talk?
You say About what? Like you thought i was stupid.
And thats when i just finally, for the first time, although Far too Late. I opened up to you.
I remember Anatomy.
I Remember You At Barros that Day
I Remember Air Hockey at the Arcade.
I remember The Birthday Gift.
The Words poured out then like they do now, The Spark you set in my Heart was the most important thing to me.
Whatever i needed to do to make it work, no matter what, just please dont give up on me.....
You may as well as shot me dead with your reply.
“if you had said that before, things would be Completely different.”
“saying it Now doesnt Mean Much to me now”
Those words still Haunt Me, A Year Later. And it is not even the worst to come.
You Had the verdict long before i even knew. You Found my “dating Profile” Online, and didnt say anything. just let it stew inside you. As we grew apart it hurt to see you just blatantly ignore my messages. So i used that profile to look at women, nothing else. It was only on My Birthday i Night i Made a Mistake i Will Regret forever. Maria wasnt there, she was with her friends. she didnt want to come here, or answer my texts. she chose to be with my friends. I was always the girls’ Second Choice. I got Drunk. I got Upset. I wanted Petty Revenge. I cheated. I Dont even Remember her Name or what she really looked like. Never should have done it.
A month Passes. March. I ask to still be friends, and how i missed you. We start talking again, almost like how it used to be. Tagging each other in posts again.But i also See him. Concerts, posts, tags. It tore me apart. Some Days i would wake up at 4 AM from my alarm for work, and Your Face would be the first thing i see in my head. The Tears would flow before i could even open my eyes for the first time. I try to get you to meet up with me, so we can talk. After i opened up that night you agreed we should talk. Then you just changed your mind....You Said give it time, walk the path, smell the Roses, and maybe we can start again...
My heart is Pumping like a cannon as i go into detail for Isaiah, how i became a madman, was so motivated by the mere notion that MAYBE there was a CHANCE we could work it out later. I couldnt be stopped. I drank Nothing but Water, ate only Chicken, Raw Veggies, Salmon and Fish, and cut out ALL sugar and breads. I dropped 30 pounds in a Month, and was in great shape for a fight at the gym i trained at. I would watch these Inspirational videos everymorning at 3 AM, just to run for an hour. I posted everything on Snapchat, Only Because i Wanted Maria to see it. I was so Optimistic...
April 2016.
Family Vaction in Mexico. A week with a private beachfront Villa and as much Booze as i can drink. i go in with Gusto. The Villa Has Wifi, can keep up with your posts.tagged me in some. Then the posts about him.
I hated how it made me feel to read them. He had what i wanted for us. Our own Place. Just Us. and a Dog.
He took My Place and it Ate me Alive from the Inside.
I stayed up all night, drinking tequila by the shot, playing Toro Y moi and Chain smoking. I watched the reflection of the moon dance on the waves, and thought of you. When i hear the Ocean, and nights when the Moon is Large and Beautiful, i think of you.
I Broke that night......
I knew there was no Path, no flowers to smell.
There was no Second Chance.
I Lost her.
And i couldnt get her back. She didnt want me anymore.
she wants someone else now, and when i Think about it I have to imagine Flames burning the thoughts away.
I guess after that night, i lost my motivation, i Wised up.
And i knew i had to come clean to you. It was the hardest thing i ever did.
It hurts so much still, looking back. Im So sorry...
Even after i hurt you that day, i still saw a sliver of you come through your walls.
I begged for you in time to forgive me, and over time we could be friends again. Let me earn back your trust, understand i made a Terrible Mistake and im willing to do anything to make it work.
Most people would have told me to go to hell and never talk to them again.
But not you. Not even then.
You Said, “ Maybe in time i will forgive you. maybe i wont. Depends on how i feel. for now you should make yourself scarce.”
I was stunned,,,those words hung on me for months after. Did you really mean that, Maria?
And that was the last time i heard from you for awhile...i remember Breaking down at work....The Silence hurt the most. No Texts, No Posts, Nothing.
Not only did i lose the woman i Love, I lost a dear Friend as well...
When i Returned home, i Quit Training, I quit the fight, I quit Dieting. That deep, Dark Hole you brought me out of, Maria.....when i saw you that day....I went Right Back in.
since May 2016 i was in a hole that i could not get out of. sure, i made it look like i was living the life on snapchat, but in reality, on the inside, i was so broken. Then Life Decided to kick me while i was down, and Took my Bonnie away from me. As if it couldnt get worse. My Brother and I Bawled as they put her to sleep. I was so fucking Lost.....
So i texted the one person who maybe might put up with my Bullshit....You.
and you were nice, you coulda kicked me when i was down and wouldve been justified. But you heard me out....More of that Real you shining through.
It is 4 AM now. i have spent all night telling this story to Isaiah, who has listened intently this whole time.
I tell him how after the months of Bonnies Death, I just didnt leave the house. Tried my Best to leave you be and not see shit that would kill me on the inside. The days became Quiet and Lonely. your presence in Tumblr becomes less and less active.
I hardly see you or your posts anymore...
i harden my heart and try move on.
Then i see your posts about your health. the doctor scare, Lupus.
I felt so bad, and worried i wanted to see if you were okay, even though i knew you hate my guts.But i worried and Worried and finally said fuck it and just sent a message saying i heard what youre going through, im sorry, i hope you get better soon, if you need anything, please ask
I wasnt expecting a Response, Yet you sent one : Thanks for Caring.
couldnt expect more than that, so i leave it be.
That Night, Maria makes a post.
Its About me.
My heart jumped into my throat and got stuck. My hands shook as i held my phone.
I didnt completely erase you out of my life.
i still think about you, from time to time.
Thank you for texting me today.
thank you for still caring about me.
Despite the shit i post on here, I still Care about you too.
And No its not the drugs Talking.
I read and Re-Read that post thousands of times in the following months. On Bad Days, Days where i wanted to give up. I read that post and it kept me going. First time reading it i Cried for hours. It was as if God heard a prayer.
To see you say that you still cared.....you will never know what that did. how that felt for me. Even Now it makes me tear up.
My heart didnt hurt as much after that, it healed some of it. I was always confused with Maria. One moment she says she cares, then comes off as your nothing to her. i never knew which was which.
and now, as the year came to face my Birthday again. There was only one thing i wanted. truly wanted. and if i got it, getting nothing else from anybody wouldnt even fucking matter.
I just wanted you to say Happy Birthday.
I didnt think you would. i thought you would have moved on by now, enjoying youre new life with him. I couldnt bleed about it any longer. i took the pieces of my heart and piece it back together again. i began to accept reality. and the pain began to dull.
NOV. 20th 2016
Saturday.
Woke up Early and went out to the woods to do some shooting. all day there. Head back for some Missouri BBQ, and get ready to get Blackout drunk Tonight. Night Goes well, Got trashed, had fun, Fought a couple dudes, enjoyed myself.
Got back to Devins Late that night. Eat Chocolate BDAY cake drunk.
Head off for bed. I sit on the edge of the bed and look at the time. 9:40 PM
She isnt gonna say it. Oh well.
go to your blog to lookup your post to make me feel better.
Read the words, smile and Remember. Pain Begins to set in.
back out of tags to leave, see another tag you never seen before.
“C and I”
click tag link.
Heart Explodes in my Chest, Breath Frozen in throat.
Its a picture. of us. Smiling.
the Caption Read:” I know i have trouble expressing my emotions and feelings and stuff but this guy right here means the world to me. Hes sweet, caring and Funny and---”
I couldnt read the Rest. I began to Cry Non Stop, Like someone Just Told Me my mother was Murdered.
I couldnt stop it, couldnt control myself. The pain was so much. Each one more painful to look at. How did i never see them? How??
I couldnt do it anymore. I couldnt keep taking the pain of it. I deserved to be Happy too..
its been two months since that day.
its been over a year since i last seen you with my own eyes, heard your voice....
And now we reach the end of this story. i force myself to block out the memories, remember nothing.
I have to move on with my life....
and yet....after saying all that Isaiah, which After i had finished, 8 hours had passed. 8 hours i poured out my soul. such a weight had been lifted, it felt so good for someone to hear me out...
so i finish this sad story, and Isaiah asks me one question: How do you feel about her now?
I stayed quiet for a good amount of time. i mulled it over. every memory. Good. the Bad. The Ugly. and i finally settled upon:
I miss her, Isaiah. Not like a lover misses his spouse, but like a friend who helped another Grow.
I hope to see you again one day, Maria.
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