#anyways this is maybe the primal wound that has made me so fucking weird/intense about every friendship I've ever had since
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got dinner with the sisters tonight and I had the oh fuck, you're an adult realization about the youngest one.
#it's so wild how being around them brings up so many of my old wounds from childhood (self-inflicted)#that are so clearly just baked into my being at this point#—how I feel really lame in comparison to them#how I find them so keenly social and blossoming in ways I never really felt I could achieve—#but the middle one is adjusting so so well to living alone and coming into her own as an adult in a huge city. it's really awesome to see.#she suffered from middle child syndrome a bit but it made her strong in ways me and the youngest aren't#I think my very desperate need for my sisters to find me cool is SO transparent and close to the surface when I'm with them#and that I fundamentally think they are much cooler and more worldly and experienced than me also feels very close to the surface lol#(those are The Old Wounds ahahaa)#idk I'm not sure I'll ever NOT feel this way. even if I'm the only child who moved out of our state;#even if I've been living alone for many years and they're just freshly out of home#I think it's one of those things that will always be with me because of [mumbles] several influential factors in growing up#and the sort of ... awe and jealousy I've always felt towards them because of how the birth order worked out#with the gap between me and them larger than the gap between the two of them and how our schooling choices broke down#anyways this is maybe the primal wound that has made me so fucking weird/intense about every friendship I've ever had since#I love them more than anyone in the world; I want them to be as impressed by me as I am impressed by them;#I find myself ultimately unimpressive in comparison and that childhood thought will stay with me for -- perhaps -- life#anyways I love them so much and it was awesome spending most of the day with the middle one and getting to make conversation with her.#she is so cool
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