it's insane to me how back then my teachers thought i had a problem because i didn't participate in class or barely talked with anybody when i was just fine and because of that they would always send me to psychologist and my mom would go insane because every single one of them would tell her i didn't have a problem so after all of that i genuinely thought there was something wrong with me when it's just... my personality...?

we r sooo back (sadface)

i know with every passing day that i am not meant to be a teacher. seriously. i wish i could go back in time and tell my past self that this is NOT the path for you because at some point you have been bestowed anxiety issues and so store so much stress in your cells. i know the stress is killing me from the inside. i know that it is turning my hair gray and giving me bad skin and terrible digestive issues and turning me into a shell of my former self. i literally hate this. i have never hated anything more than this except for probably organic chemistry but at least i was suffering with friends. meanwhile instead i have teachers telling me how stupid kids are and how much everything sucks and i am seriously going to snap. i already did yesterday and i am having a serious anxiety attack about the repercussions. there have been none so far but we were off today. i feel like i am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for them to tell me i cannot finish the program because of my "behavior" or whatever. which typing is sounds ridiculous but honestly parents are so stupid and crazy that they WOULD demand a student teacher be removed from the classroom for making a stupid comment not thinking because she's under immense stress every single day and gets no help and no money and all the kids are so stupid. i know this is a website where we're like 'ahh the education system is failing these kids' and yes honestly i agree. but there's only so much i can do for an 8th grader who just does not care. they did not learn to read beyond third grade and do not care to. they get no help at home and i give them a zillion chances and they do nothing with it. this is why i can't be a teacher. i get so frustrated when these kids don't care about something i'm really passionate about. i know its my job to instill this passion in them but they just suck the life out of you. please don't ask me to sharpen your pencils for you, eighth grader. you see everyone going to sharpen pencils. you have done it before. you can go do it. but no. here i am and it's 12;20 and i'm having an anxiety attack because i snapped at you because you were too lazy to go sharpen your god damn pencil and now i feel like i'm going to get in trouble. which fine. don't snap at a kid. i get it. but seriously you're going to kick me out over one comment that was so stupid? maybe if you had actually taught these kids any sort of critical thinking skills or respect at all they would just go sharpen their damn pencils. yes i snapped at a kid. i have felt terrible about it for over 24 hours. it is literally decaying my body. i shouldn't be kicked out over it. that's stupid. it's a stupid thing to kick me out over and what does it matter anyways. i've learned my lesson. i do not want to work with kids. they are overwhelming. if i have learned one thing from student teaching it is that i am not going to change the education system.

i would have been a great teacher. i truly believe that i would have been a great teacher. but i cannot stand the amount of BS that comes with teaching. the lack of respect from everyone around you. everyone is miserable all the time. i will gladly take a job where i am working with none of those breaks if it means i won't need them. i can vacation when i want and not confined to a school schedule. i won't have to worry about the teenage boys looking at me in a gross way. i can leave my work at work and have time to myself. teachers are literally always on call always on alert. so much is expected of them with little in return. i can't live on all this stress. i take everything to heart and i take things so seriously and i want to do well and i have come out of this experience feeling so terrible about myself. i don't know why anyone would want to do it. i can't be like the other candidates in my program that are so excited and ready to change kids lives. it baffles me. i just don't feel like they do. i'm not the kind that is so motivated like that. i love working with kids but maybe it shouldn't be my career. adults are no better but i don't have to be on eggshells around them like i do with kids. maybe i should have student taught somewhere else. i havent connected with these kids like i did my camp kids. i connected with those so easily and right now its like week 13 and i haven't connected with them at all. they don't care. none of them want to be there. i can tell. i don't want to be there either. i need a balance of indoor and outdoor and this is not it. i need outside time i need respect i need a fucking bathroom privilege. why are teachers so limited in their bathroom time and then there's only like 3 teacher bathrooms in the school. seriously? i can't be a teacher with my problems. my stress is too high and my digestive system is too weak to be a teacher. i think if i was a real teacher i'd die.

i literally had an anxiety attack tonight thinking about going in tomorrow and i couldn't even admit that to my parents. i kept thinking about how i made a stupid snip at a student that didn't even come out right that i immediately regretted and i know that's not an excuse and i'm not trying to excuse it and they're going to kick me out and then i won't graduate and then what. all that money wasted. i don't think that would happen though. it was an honest mistake and my teacher would defend me. she wouldn't leave me to the wolves. she's been good to me and kind and helpful. she knows it was a mistake and that i regret it. and if it came to it she would defend me. and she wouldn't let them remove me. what kind of a waste would that be. they're going to let me finish because no one cares about a stupid student teacher. if it becomes a problem i will just tell them the truth. you do not have to worry about this happening in the future because i am not going to teach in this or any district ever. because i hate this profession. no offense to the teachers and administrators in this imaginary scenario. you have all been very nice to me and i am sorry for what i said. but 1. it could have been WAY worse and i didn't even mean it in a bad way and 2. i think teaching sucks. im just here because im not a quitter. so you can't remove me. i will finish out the session and you will never hear from me again.

ok i think i've calmed down. even though i'm still anxious about that actually happening and i'm not discounting it from the realm of possibility because some parents are crazy and WOULD complain i think it is not as likely to happen as i think it is. because it's not really worth the effort. i'm leaving anyways. it was a mistake and it won't happen again. the end. it would be stupid for them to escalate it more than it needs to be.

i think i am ready to try sleeping.