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#anyways im desperately unwell about them
redminibike1 · 1 year
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okay hng ... i DID already do one of these so don't prioritise this but... j's lullaby by delaney bailey, for cdywan of course... the sun vs moon imagery makes me weak at the knees
!!! oh my god i legit spent the past two days listening to this on repeat.....sooooo unwell about SO MUCH OF IT WOUGHHHH
Reminder that requests are CLOSED! :D
Okay, this one is a little post-battle campfire thing, because I love those LMAO! Featuring sleepy Cody, a small discussion of peace, and Obi-Wan being a sap <3
WC: ~385
Cody placed his bottle gently down in the grass, eyes clenching shut tight as he yawned.
“It’s about time for bed, I guess,” Obi-Wan said fondly.
“Think so,” Cody agreed, but made no move to rise. “The moon is so bright.”
Obi-Wan craned his neck back to look at it, and nodded. “It is, isn’t it? Big tonight, too.”
“Like a sun,” Cody said.
He watched Cody rest his cheek against his palm, gazing up at the bright, watchful moon. Eyelids half-shut.
“What do you want to do?” Obi-Wan found himself asking, his voice startling in the quiet. But Cody didn’t even flinch. “When this is all over, I mean.”
“You shouldn’t ask that, you know.” Cody looked undisturbed nonetheless, smiling as his eyes moved to meet Obi-Wan’s.
“I know.”
Cody laughed. “I want to go for a walk someplace beautiful, and rest when I am tired, and listen to the birds call and watch them dart through the canopies above my head. That’s all.”
“We never see birds, do we.”
“Never. Except for nights like this.”
And truly, there was the soft call of birds in the trees, the slight rustle as they hopped between branches. The insects were singing too, from the tall grasses surrounding the clearing.
“This is all I want,” Cody said. “I have it right now, here. I’ve seen peace, and it looks like this.”
Obi-Wan stared, swallowing back the lump in his throat. Cody’s eyes sparkled, lips twisting sleepily upwards into a smile. “You should have it forever,” he said, rasping.
“I’ll remember it.”
When Cody fell asleep eventually, body curled inwards, Obi-Wan stayed where he was, inspecting the soft moonlight brushing across his hair, the curve of his shoulders.
Moved to his side after a while, shrugging off his robe and placing it over him, tucking it behind his back. Brushed a knuckle across his cheek, fleeting.
“I want everything for you,” he said softly. “Anything I have to give, darling, if you want it.”
He settled down next to him, folding his arms in front of him and leaning back against the old log. Added enough wood to keep the fire warm, and watched the sparks scatter up to the expanse of stars to join them. The moon shone gently down on them, solemn and yellow in the dark sky.
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definitelynotshouting · 4 months
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Hello I’m here!!
Raaah I meant to talk about the latest chapter sooner but I kept forgetting :,))
But anyway! This chapter really hit home for me and I really resonate with Grian, and I feel so SO scared for him at the same time. The idea that he’s so dead set on hurting himself so badly and mumbo has no idea - along with the rest of the hermits - is very scary, and very effective.
And the fact that they’ve already witnessed him trying to hurt himself in such a way and they’re all trying to cope with that is so. It’s so good. The way you show how each person is dealing with Grian’s attempt is so good because you’re showing them all experiencing different forms of grief.
Mumbo yelled because he was afraid. Tango is trying to help Grian any time he can. Scar is trying to make him laugh. X is dead set on finding a way to save him. Pearl is upset with him. It’s such a good way of showing that grief can manifest in so many different ways, and no one is perfect- they do things like yell because they’re scared, or overstep because they want to help. No one prepares you for grief, and you do an amazing job of showing that.
I can’t express how badly I want to hold Grian’s hand. To me he feels like such a lost soul that feels there’s no hope for him. I have so much sympathy for this depiction of him.
It feels so.. “doomsday” to me?? If that makes sense? The way Grian talks about wanting to go outside and experience the sun and the grass and the sky for one last time before he leaves for good. I feel the bittersweet feeling he must be feeling; not wanting to hurt his friends’ feelings but simultaneously feeling like there’s no other option for him and he just has to do this, so he wants to have a good last day.
It pains my heart so much but in a good way- this is all extremely /pos I cannot express that enough. I think it’s so impressive that you’re able to capture such intense feelings through writing- that’s seriously incredible and if what I’m feeling when reading your story is what you’re after; you’re doing an amazing job!
Ok, I don’t want to overwhelm you so I’ll stop there- but needless to say I’m super excited to see where this story goes and I hope you’re doing well <3
- binge reader
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BINGER READER ANON MY HEART....... ohhh this is such a sweet ask and im so unwell abt it /pos
Words cannot express how happy i am that you're resonating so hard with my fic 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 i feel so honored to be touching people's lives with this, i literally dont know how to articulate how much messages like these mean to me. And im just!!!! So pleased that you like what im doing with all these varying depictions of grief!!! From the start i truly wanted to explore different reactions and what i felt these characters would do when placed in such a fraught and urgent situation, and im indescribably glad im hitting the mark on what ive been aiming for.
Its been really enriching for me to explore all these myriad reactions to grief; i remember when i first wrote Mumbo in chapter 3, i was a bit worried about the potential reception-- but it felt so right to let him express his fear through anger. And with Pearl, ive loved taking a deep dive into her own fear and trauma and letting it play out in front of Grian during this situation. Literally everyone is so fun to dive into for all the reasons you've said-- Tango is in fix-it mode, Xisuma is pinning all his efforts on one desperate hope, and Scar is deflecting and trying to buy as much time as possible just to keep Grian alive a little longer. Their various reactions are so important to me, especially in how, like you said, nothing truly prepares you for grief-- and it often manifests in unconventional ways. Its been a real treat to depict that, and its something that i feel has some overlooked merit in the emotional realism department that im glad im able to bring to the table
Im truly so touched by this commentary, so don't worry about overwhelming me!!! Im just so genuinely happy people are getting so much out of my writing, its all ive wanted for such a long time, and finally being able to really reach people with it is a dream come true❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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smallsnzplz · 1 year
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Honey, Just Allow Me One More Chance pt 2
part 2 of i think prompt 14 motherfuckers !!! this one is like 4k im p sure so enjoy 😜
When Bob woke up and remembered what promise he’d made to himself the night before, he wished he could sleep for a week instead. However, he didn’t think he could handle knowing that Joan was as pissed at him as she was for that long. So, he got up, showered, and dressed himself all spiffy. He made sure to stuff a few tissues in his jacket pocket, knowing he’d be in real trouble later if he didn't remember to bring any.
There was a bit of time before he thought he should get to Joan’s, so Bob ate a poor excuse for a meal and wrote for a little while. As it hit early afternoon and Bob knew that Joan would be home, he headed out.
The walk to the market was nice and Bob was thankful that it was still open. He was desperately hoping that he wouldn’t find what he was looking for, then groaned as he laid eyes on some. Shit, they were pretty, too. Bob understood why they were her favorites.
He kept his distance from the stall of flowers and even avoided holding the ones he was getting until he had paid and it was time to leave. As the woman who owned the booth handed him the bouquet, he sneezed for the first--and most definitely not the last--time that afternoon. The woman gave Bob an odd look for buying flowers that had made him sneeze immediately upon handling them, but who was she to judge? He ignored her and moved on.
Bob had strategically chosen to go to a market that was close to Joan’s place, so he’d only have to hold the dahlias for the shortest amount of time possible. He kept the bouquet as low and as far away from his face as he could, but still found himself sniffling and rubbing his nose only a minute or two into his short journey. 
He sneezed twice as he was about a block and a half away from Joan’s, and then again a few feet later. Ugh, fuck. It was already setting in. He had been hoping he would have a little more time.
Nervousness washed over Bob’s body as he came closer to Joan’s door. Once in front of it, he let himself sneeze a couple times, as if he could just get it out of his system and then be fine. It didn’t bode well for him that his nose had become this irritated this quickly, as his torture was only beginning. He was already sniffling helplessly and was greatly annoyed that he had to use up one of his tissues so early on. In order to be able to use both of his hands, he had to wedge the flowers between his knees. 
After blowing his nose, Bob stuffed the used tissue back in his pocket, picked the flowers up, and knocked on Joan’s door. He let out a small cough against his fist as he waited.
Joan opened the door and immediately grimaced upon seeing him.
“What are you doing here?” Joan spoke coldly.
“Uh, I came-” Bob had to stop and clear his throat. Shit, he already sounded unwell. He hoped Joan wouldn’t notice. “I came to say sorry. Y’know, ahem, uh, to you.” He cursed himself for sounding like a moron and awkwardly scratched at the back of his head. “I mean, you know that, obviously, 'cause I, well, I’m here, but...um, anyway, you deserve more than an apology after how I...the way I treated you the other night.”
Joan looked down and saw the flowers. She tried not to smile at the fact that Bob had remembered which were her favorites. It made her warm up a little.
“Fine. Come in.”
Joan turned and walked inside, leaving Bob behind, so he took the opportunity to stifle a few sneezes against his wrist before entering her home. He didn’t want to make this about himself. He was here for Joan. Unfortunately, the restrained sneezes did next to nothing for the itch that was toying with his sinuses.
She hadn’t waited up for him, sitting cross-legged on a couch in the living room when Bob had finally removed his shoes and made it inside. He didn't want to be holding the bouquet anymore. His nose was on fire and he knew he only had so long before it started wreaking havoc.
“Oh, uh, I got these. They’re for you, I got them for you,” Bob said shyly, holding the flowers out in front of him.
“They’re beautiful,” Joan said, not moving an inch.
Bob pulled them back to his side. He stood there uncomfortably, not knowing how or where to start. Even though he’d been thinking about what to say to Joan for days now, no words were coming to mind.
“Well?”
“What?” Bob snapped out of his thoughts.
“You wanted to apologize?”
The pressure was being laid on thick. Bob nodded timidly and sniffled. He absolutely did not want to start talking now. The tickle in his nose was getting more and more invasive by the second. He was going to sneeze, and it was going to happen soon, but he knew he had to at least say something.
Bob coughed lightly and took a deep breath. “Yes. Yeah. I do. I-I’m sorry, Joan,” he said. “I was--hihh! Sorry, snf, I was in a real shitty mood and it wasn’t--snnf--it was not very, uh, very gentlemanly of me to take it out on you.”
Joan’s eyebrow cocked as his breath hitched. She could tell something was going on.
Pressing his fist against his nostrils, Bob kept talking, voice faltering, “I’m sorry for saying all those things to you. I dihhhdn’t mean it at all, okay? Any of it, at all, I swear. You mean a lot to me, and I hope you know h-how--hiHh--how much I care about you, I...I care about you a lot, and I...ahhHh--fuck, givemea--HIHh--second.”
Bob turned halfway around and sneezed. He waited a second or two and then sneezed twice more, followed by an aggressive rubbing of his pointer finger against his nostrils.
“Bless you,” Joan said. 
She still sounded hurt--rightfully so--but she was touched by how much he was opening up. She knew that it was difficult for Bob to talk seriously about his feelings, yet here he was, doing it anyway. For her. He was obviously struggling through it and it meant a lot to Joan that he was showing her this side of himself so willingly. 
Bob did share his feelings with her a lot more than he did with other people, but he’d never apologized like this before. They’d always just have a little chat and he’d act all sweet and they’d get over it. This time he recognized that he’d really screwed up, and he knew that the only way to get Joan back was to be completely honest. No jokes, no excuses, no little lies. It was hard for him and she could tell.
The act showed her that he truly cared for her, even more than the words themselves did. 
“Snnf, thank you. I, ahem, sorry, I do want you to care about me. I love it when you’re around ,when you're there for me, when you take care of me--all of it. God, Joan, I love it so much. I don’t want you to ever think that I don’t. I just--I--ihh--snf--I snahhpped 'cause I was so fuckin’...just, mad about the show, and I wanted to be upset, and I-” Bob twisted away again. He fought for his breath but it was a battle that he was destined to lose.
Joan watched intently as Bob’s body jolted forward with another double.
“Bless you.”
“Thank you.”
Bob wanted to blow his nose but he needed both hands for that, and he didn’t know how to get Joan to take the flowers from him. She hadn’t seemed to want to earlier. All he could do was sniffle and hope that she wasn’t disgusted by the sound it made.
“I was being a jerk, and you were right to call me one. Snnrf, I didn’t deserve you bein’ there and-and trying to look out for me, I didn’t deserve that at all, and you definitely didn’t deserve me giving you shit for it. Uh...also, I know I-” He paused.
He leaned away from her to let out a barely contained stifle, groaned, sniffled, and then put pressure against his septum, waiting until the tickle backed off just enough.
“Bless you.” Joan sounded more than a little suspicious by now.
“Thank you, snf-snnf, um...I...? Oh, uh, I know I lied to you about not being drunk. I was very drunk and I shouldn’t have...that was wrong of me, to lie to you about that. You were just try-hhh--snf, trying to help me, and I wasn’t-” He sneezed but didn’t waste any time picking his words back up, “I wasn’t appreciative of-”
He sneezed two more times.
Joan cut in before he could keep going, “Are you alright?”
Bob nodded. “I’m fine,” he said, hand still squashed against his nose. He was pushing even harder now. “I should’ve appreciated you bein’ there for me, trying to cheer me up. I just...it hurt, Joan. I was really hurt that night, I was--the way the audience was...what they did and said, it hurt like hell, man, snnrf.” 
He rubbed at his nose with incredible vigor in an attempt to reclaim control of his nose, but the dahlias wouldn’t let him. Three sneezes kept him tucked into his elbow for a moment, wiping his nose on the fabric before he could safely remove it. 
He didn’t leave time for Joan to bless him before he carried on with his  explanation, “I couldn’t just get over it like you wanted me to, y’know? Snnf, I sang like shit and I played like shit, too. Everyone just...they hated it, hated me. And even, ahem, even after we got home I just couldn’t quit hearin’ ‘em jeer at me, shout at me, tell me I was terrible. I neehHhded, snf, I needed to--hieHhh! Sorry, I needed to let it-”
His breath hitched a few more times but he refused to sneeze.
“Hey, you can let yourself-”
“Just--I just need a--hihh-snf-heHh--a minute, alright? I’m fine!”
He was not, in fact, fine. Five impressive sneezes threw him against his elbow. He felt like he could keep going but tried his best not to. It was getting harder and harder to hold himself together, not that he had been succeeding in the first place.
“What is going on with you?!” The scene in front of Joan was starting to distress her. 
“It’s fine, can you just-” Bob sneezed again. “Can you take these?”
He held the flowers out to Joan who swiftly grabbed them and put them on the coffee table. Bob wrestled to get a tissue out of his pocket, then used it to catch a handful of sneezes that all came out on top of one another.
“God, Bobby, you’re absolutely not fine!”
Bob blew his nose quickly. “I am, snf. I am, I swear. I just--I need you to hear me out.”
“We can do that la-”
He ignored her. “I wasn’t getting it, that you were on my side, snnf, not against me. I thought you were trying to piss me off, snf, contradicting whatever I was saying just for the hell of it, but I-I know that’s not true, it was never true!”
“We don’t have to get into this right now, okay? Let me--bless you--let me get you some water and some more tissues.”
“No, Joan, please. I-I’m alright.”
This wasn’t what Bob wanted. It was the opposite, actually. Joan was too caring and it was making him feel even worse, not only for having taken her for granted but for berating her because she was trying to comfort him.
He continued speaking, “I started a fight just ‘cause I wanted to fight, and you didn’t deserve that, for me to pile all my...my anger onto you.” He had fought hard to get out the whole sentence before sneezing again. And again. And again. “I--snnrf-snf--ahem, I wanted to feel worse, I think. I didn’t think I should be happy. I didn’t, snnf, I didn’t want a solution. It had nothing to do with you, you were just thehhehre, you were there, and-and I was drunk as hell and I was fuming, and I’m just-” 
Joan had lost count of how many times Bob had sneezed by now. She didn’t even notice that she had been counting until she tried to add this next pair to the total but was unsure where it left off. 
The image in front of her was so pitiful she couldn’t help but want to do everything she could for Bob. She could hear how disappointed he was with himself, and she knew that he did care for her very deeply. They’d still have to talk later about how unfair it was of him to say things like that to her, especially since he didn’t even mean it, but Joan wasn’t going to let this ruin them. Bob seemed to fear that it would.
“Bless you. Can you sit down for me, Bobby?” Joan asked softly.
Bob couldn’t resist. He thought about how he’d do almost anything just to make her happy. Joan moved from the spot she had been sitting in so that she was next to Bob. Close to him.
“I’m really sorry, Joan-”
“Hey, let’s talk about that in a bit, okay?”
Bob still felt like he needed to make amends right this second. He knew, though, that all Joan wanted right now was to help him, make him feel better, like she always did. Instead of being belligerent, as he had been the night in question, he gave in.
After a bout of rough sneezes occupied Bob for about a minute, Joan took him by the chin and looked into his eyes, wiped away his allergic tears. Bob sniffled and tried not to sneeze with her so close.
“What’s got that nose of yours all sensitive, huh?”
Bob didn’t want to answer. He wanted Joan to keep the flowers; he knew how happy they made her, how much she loved them, but that she’d still throw them out in an instant if she found out he was allergic. Still, he couldn’t help but glance at them out of instinct.
Joan turned and followed his gaze. A small gasp left her lips as she suddenly remembered a conversation she’d had with Bob many months ago. 
~~
“What’s your favorite flower?” Bob asked. 
Joan hesitated, although she knew exactly what her answer would be. 
“What? What is it? Tell me.” 
“I mean, they’re all beautiful,” Joan said. 
Bob rolled his eyes playfully. “Oh, don’t give me that shit. I know you got a favorite. C’mon, just tell me already!” 
Joan teased, “Why do you want to know? You gonna buy me some?” 
Her comment made Bob blush. She always knew what to say to make his stomach feel like a pound of butterflies had just been released in it. 
“Hey, can’t a fella be curious about somethin’?” He deflected, but followed it with a sweet smile. “Seriously, tell me.”
“Dahlias.”
Bob chuckled. 
Well now she felt embarrassed. “What?”
“Oh, nothing,” Bob said. 
“What’s so funny?” Joan asked. 
Bob rubbed at his eyes. He explained, “Well, it’s just...it’s funny you say that. Those ones, in particular. Um, what I’ve learned from personal experience is that I just so happen to be ridiculously allergic to them. To dahlias. Well, a lot of the Asteraceae family, actually. Y’know, daisies, chrysanthemums, goldenrod...God, that one just makes me shiver, it looks like somethin’ that just radiates allergicness. Or pollen, I guess, some might say. You ever seen it? Christ, it-it’s, bleh! Ugh, my nose itches just thinking about it.”
He swiped at it unconsciously. 
“I never knew that about you.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t advertise it. I try to avoid ‘em as much as possible,” Bob said. “Never around ‘em unless I gotta be.”
~~
“Oh, you fucking halfwit!”
She stood to take the flowers and throw them in the garbage, but Bob lunged forward and got his hands around them before she could.
“What are you doing?”
Bob stuttered through hitching breaths, “You’re not getting rid of ‘em.”
“God, Bobby, look at you! They’ve turned you into a complete mess! I’m tossing them.”
“No.” Bob shook his head. He sneezed four times against his bicep, refusing to loosen his grip as they came out. He knew he was right to do so, as he then felt Joan’s hands try and strip them from his while he was distracted.
“Let go!”
“No!”
With the flowers so close again and both of Bob’s hands being occupied, it was much harder to stop himself from sneezing. He tried to keep the dahlias as far away from his face as possible while still covering his nose with his arm.
“Give me the flowers!”
“No!”
Bob wouldn’t let up.
Joan hated how miserable he looked, how he sounded. It made her feel terribly guilty that Bob was only enduring this so that she would forgive him. As he sneezed several times in a row, Joan tried to think of how to get him to let go of the flowers.
Bob had resorted to wiping his nose almost anywhere on his sleeves in between sneezes. God, he could really use his fuckin’ hands right now.
During a bit of respite, he said, “I need you to have these. I’m just sorry, Joan.”
Tears were welling up in his eyes again, his body was so reactive. The fit was tiring him out rapidly and all he wanted was for Joan to forgive him, to accept his peace-offering. Another sneeze took him over.
Once Bob looked up at her again, Joan smiled at him lovingly. “I know you are. I’m not mad, we just--bless you--we just have some things we need to-” Bob got a hazy look on his face and started sneezing again. Joan waited politely until he was done. “We need to talk about some things later, okay? That’s all. You don’t need to make anything up to me.”
“I do,” Bob said.
“You don’t, I promise. I don’t want you to go through this, I mean look at what they’re doing to you!”
Bob sneezed just once. He hated to be proving her point.
Still, he refused to give her the flowers. “I bought ‘em, so, so you have to do what I say with ‘em!”
“Bobby, I don’t...”
“Please.”
Joan noticed how Bob was really struggling with not being able to use a tissue (or three). That’s right...he couldn’t use his hands. An idea struck her.
Bob had sat back down after grabbing hold of the flowers, but Joan had not. She realized that she could easily pin him, thanks to her current height advantage.
She got closer and climbed onto his lap. Bob held the flowers behind his head, still using both hands. Joan put one arm against Bob’s, holding his in place. He had thought she was just going for the flowers, but now that she wasn’t doing that, Bob was extremely confused. And boy, did he have to sneeze.
“Joahhhn, get off!”
Joan did not get off. Instead, she reached out to put her finger under Bob’s nose. He jerked his head away but Joan went after him again. Eventually she had him positioned so that he couldn't move. She slid her finger up against his nostrils. They were slick.
“What the fuck! Gehhhht-hieHHh! Get off!”
Bob was having a really hard time. He didn’t think he had ever needed to sneeze so badly, but there was no way he was going to allow himself do so now. Then, Joan started to slowly rub her finger back and forth, incredibly too lightly, teasing his poor, irritated nose. It was killing him.
“Give me the flowers.”
Trying to scramble out of Joan’s reach was an unsuccessful endeavor, and holding back was becoming extremely difficult.
“N-hhh-no! Get off!”
“Give me the flowers and I will.”
He was going to sneeze any second now. As much as he didn’t want Joan to gain possession of the dahlias, he really didn't want to sneeze directly onto her hand.
“Fuck! Fine!”
His hands unclenched and Joan took the flowers.
“Move-”
Joan finally listened. The second she stood, Bob was pitched over into his hands, sneezing like a mad man. He sounded awful. Joan put the flowers down on her kitchen table and returned to sit next to him. She rubbed his back and had tissues at the ready for when he resurfaced.
When he was done, he wouldn’t move his hands from his face or turn to look at her. Joan put a few tissues on his lap and Bob carefully maneuvered them so that she wouldn’t see anything he didn’t want her to. He blew his nose first before wiping his face and then his hands.
“God, fuck, Joan! What the fuck was that?” His voice was nearly unrecognizable and his breath was still unstable.
“I’m not keeping these and watching you get worse,” Joan said. 
Joan understood that it really meant something to Bob for her to keep the flowers, but they were making him terribly unwell. She’d feel guilty if she didn’t get them out of here and away from him.
Bob really wanted to respond, but he was still having a lot of difficulty going more than a few seconds without having to sneeze again.
“I have to get rid of them.”
Bob shook his head. “Please don’t.”
“Bob...”
“It’s just ‘cause theyhhh--snf, they were so close. My nose was practically buried in ‘em. I’ll be fine-” he corrected himself, “I’ll be better soon 'cause you moved ‘em, they’re farther away now. I’ll be better.”
Joan was starting to believe him, but a set of three sneezes that tore out of him took her back a step.
She said, “I don’t know, Bobby.”
"Christ, Joan, after, snnf, after how much of a fuckin’ asshole I was, the absolute least I deserve is a little allergy attack.”
Little was an insane understatement. 
“That’s ridiculous-”
Bob looked her dead in the eyes. “I’m serious.” He blew his nose a few times, sneezing during the first one. Joan sat there silently, watching. “Snnf, really, I just, if I wash my face and my hands and keep my distance from ‘em, I should be better. I will be better. I just want you to have ‘em.”
“Are you sure?”
Bob couldn’t believe it--Joan was going to keep them.
“Yes.”
Joan asked, “And you’re sure that if you wash up, you’ll be okay?”
It certainly would help. He’d still be sneezing for a while though, but Joan didn’t need to know that yet.
“Yes. Positively certain.”
Joan shifted uncomfortably. Bob sneezed a total of seven more times while she wavered over the decision for about a minute. He was trying to keep it to a minimum so she would agree not to trash them.
“Okay, fine. I’ll keep them.”
A fantastic smile spread across his face. This was the moment in which Bob realized that Joan had forgiven him. She wouldn’t have been so worried about his reaction to the flowers if she was going to just kick him out and never speak to him again. She wanted him there. He was practically beaming.
“Get that stupid grin off your face,” Joan teased.
Bob couldn’t help but laugh.
They sat on the couch together for a few minutes, the only sound in the room being Bob’s allergies getting vicious again. He let out a cough that didn’t sound too good, and Joan decided she needed to take care of him.
“Let’s get you cleaned up,” she said.
She stood and stuck her hand out to help Bob up. He was about to take it but then hesitated, drew his hand away.
“I think maybe I should wash my hands before we...they’re all gross, probably, y’know, I may’ve uh, sneezed into them many times,” Bob said awkwardly.
Joan relocated her hand to Bob’s cheek. She could feel his features shift as he sniffled.
It was an intimate moment. Bob tried his hardest not to sneeze--he didn't want to ruin it. He wanted Joan to keep her warm hand there forever. Unfortunately, it wasn’t up to him. He darted out of Joan’s reach and curled into his elbow to sneeze twice.
“Bless you,” Joan said gingerly. “Come on.”
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a-whispering-echo · 9 months
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Prolouge for a little something something im working on....
CW: this story is set in a really shit mental hospital, and i want to state that most mental hospitals are NOT like this at all. While some can be bad, most are there to help, and none are even NEARLY as bad as the one described here!
Also, im using mentally unwell characters, and while i myself am mental unwell, most have disorders i myself do not have - so inaccuracy's may be present - i did a bunch of research, but obviously i havent lived with them
okay, with that out of the way, tell me what you think :)
The air inside Moonlit Halls Mental Hospital hung heavy with despair. Fluorescent lights infrequently flicker, casting eerie shadows on the cracked linoleum floor.
The once sterile white walls had turned a sickly shade of yellow, stained by years of neglect and the suffering that permeated every corner. The pungent scent of antiseptic did nothing to hide the overall lingering stench of decay, scaring anyone it held within its grip.
The corridors echoed with both whispers and screams of tormented souls, inescapable, much like the building itself. Scratches littered the surface of forlorn cells - futile and desperate attempts of those trapped within to leave their mark on a world that had forsaken them.
In purgatory, time has no meaning. Day melds into the night, as the line between reality and delusion blurred. Tortured cries of the patients were almost in tune with the haunting echoes of their own minds; a composed maelstrom of madness.
The few patients who had families left had long since given up hope of seeing them again. You cannot
It was a horrible place, and it was run by even worse people.
The staff members had long lost their compassion and empathy a long time ago, leaving only cold callously and cruelty behind. Their eyes, once filled with hope and a desire to heal, now held a threatening gleam. Their smiles, twisted and devoid of warmth, were the only outward sign of the animosity that sat behind their masks of professionalism.
And the few patients who had families who cared for them left had long since given up hope of seeing them again, their queries met indifference or threats if they dare voice concerns or question the facility's practices.
After all, the doctor knows best for you.
You can forget about getting the right medication, as the staff are much more interested in maintaining control than in providing genuine care. The cycle of medication only ever worsens their state when they end up overmedicated one moment, and under-medicated the next.
Their fragile minds that once sought solace shattered by the very people who had promised to help.
Well, Killer had always hated promises anyway.
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resident-cake-anon · 7 months
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teatime asks (inhales long breath) 3, 5, 8, 13, 23 -- or just any combination of those if you don't want to do all of them lol
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long ask post ahead!! questions here
3) Who would they have a sleepover with, and what would they do during it?
❀. the besties heather & perseus ofc!! need more content of them together desperately, their sleepovers are full of pining (and teasing from heather ofc @justrandomselfships)
❀. other than them, i can see her having sleepovers with marianne and hilda, hilda hosting obv and maybe leonie and lysithea join in too! love my golden deer gals <33
5) What's their fave and least fave chore?
❀. SKY WATCH catherine loves riding pegasi sm (especially if claude’s assigned the same chore) she loves being able to see outside the monastery and the feeling of the wind in her hair, she feels…free
❀. stealing a little bit from three hopes but equipment management is her absolutely least fav, if you’ve looked at her wiki you know she hates being around weapons, reminds her too much of her the responsibilities her father has given her and all those lectures on how the mechanisms of ballistae work…
8) If at the monastery at the time, would they take part in the fishing tournament, and how well would they do?
❀. i think catherine has watched more fishing tournaments than she can keep count
❀. i don’t think she’d participate since she isn’t fond of being around most of the church staff a ton, also fishing isn’t super common in mecali nor is it common in any of the dishes so she can’t even enjoy that part either
❀. but i think once she was officially enrolled in the academy, she’d become a little more fond of the feast thrown by a certain house leader that followed the tournament
13) If they're a mounted unit what would they name their mount?
❀. YAY I WANTED TO ANSWER THIS ONE i hadn’t properly thought about it before i saw this prompt but i REALLY should’ve
❀. anyways OFC catherine names her pegasus and i think she would go for Luz (pronounced “looz” or “loose” if that helps)! i could see her and and her pegasus have a really close bond since she’s become such an emotional support for catherine over the years so a mecalian name meaning “light” feels perfect
❀. also she affectionately calls her Luzita!! full of brainworms for them now omg
23) What skill or ability are they proud of that they don't get to show off often?
❀. i think catherine would be good at animal first aid! mecali streets are filled with stray dogs so when she was little she learned quickly how to take care of sick/injured animals
❀. while it wouldn’t be perfect i think she’d understand more than most how to take care of horses and cats depending on how well the skill would translate
❀. i can imagine that the horse girlies of garreg mach would come to her if their horses were unwell (im looking at you marianne & dorte)
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noxiatoxia · 10 months
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k so like, saw ur reply and got so flippin excited its unreal. thank you so much for the art tips btw :)) u are just so cooll for that
and ALSO LIKE I HAVE SO MANY MUCH OURAN THOUGHTS I CANT FUCKING FOcus especially referring to the shojo weasley twins auughh i have this one thats been eating at me for awhile.. (ive been really wanting to write a fic about it actually) cause i was reading up on codependent attachment styles and the more extreme ways they can manifest, particularly when things start getting delusional, and i started thinking like. kaoru and hikarus issues dont just solely stem from codependency, they literally never had a solid identity of their own. the whole "pretending to be the other" thing they do particularly irked me; they were each others shadow, so one of them couldnt even define their personality as separate through being "less than" or "the unnoticed twin" or something. they might as well have been one whole person to the outside world right? so like, how long before someone starts believing its completely true? like literally true. that this one person you are so desperately, suffocatingly tied to might as well have been yourself? and more importantly, what would happen if one day that person disappeared? what you would be left with, psychologically? would you start believing that you ARE that person now that theyre gone? or maybe not even that theyre really gone per say, youve just become them, or theyve become you? just to cope with the loss? and everyone would believe that youre actually them too, only reinforcing the delusion... you and your other half were identical, afterall.
okay its a really dark and angsty concept but like i live for the angst and im so so interested in the idea of them being separated for like excruciatingly long due to some really dire circumstances, maybe before they meet the host club? or maybe in this au im coming up with on the spot they never join the club at all? so theyre even MORE vulnerable to the consequences of something like this happening, and the need for the other steadily increases until they reach like a breaking point. what would that breaking point be? if/when they reunited, how unhealthy would the new anxious foundation for that relationship become? How possessive and/or protective would they get over each other and their shared identity as exclusively a couple? how scared would they be to even acknowledge themselves as individuals? how would their individual reactions differ? (i have A LOT of ideas but id love to know your thoughts) AND HOW FUCKING CATHARTIC WOUDL IT BE, IF AFTER ALL THAT, THEY GROW TOGETHER OUT OF THAT DARK PLACE?? THROUGH A STEADY JOURNEY OF LOVE AND HARDSHIP??? AND THEN JOIN THE HOST CLUB STARTING OUT AS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT DYNAMIC??? WHAT WOUDL THAT EVEN LOOK LIKE???? god i fucking need to write about thuiss ugghhh i need promptss anyway i know this was long lol but i am ACHING to hear some thoughts on this
HI DUDE HI!!!!!! firstly. your header. im looking at your blog header. i am holding a gun to your head. send me that image. i need it. i need it. what the fuuuck............WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!
OKAOKAY secondly...i also live for angst and exploring psychological effects n stuff which is a big part of why i love the twins' interactions. they are so mentally unwell it is insane.
I DO really like your commentary on how they are "each others shadow" because that is SO true. I know a lot of people portray kaoru as thinking he is "lesser" than hikaru and while i do think that's true, i think it's also true that kaoru knows (at least, until things started changing in highschool) that both of them were equally needed to "create" one person, at least that's how he viewed it. he specifically said "the one who isn't me is hikaru, and the one who isn't hikaru is me", implying the only difference between them was this undefinable trait of simply...they aren't the same person just because they have two different physical bodies. of course deep down they know they are different, at least kaoru does, but idk if they even realize how different they are. after all, being confused for another person your whole life and being interchangeable would fuck up anybody's self perception. in my personal opinion/theory, its only after the host club starts and differences between them become more noticable to the point not only themselves but the outside world, little by little, can start actually ascribing concrete and tangible traits to "hikaru" and "kaoru". I think it's at that point kaoru begins to think he's the "lesser" twin, or whatever.
anywho, BIG fan of the idea of one of them going missing/dead/etc etc and it affecting the mental health of the other big time. i've read multiple fics where one of the twins dies and the other twin just completely loses it, even begins to assume the identity of the dead twin as some sort of coping mechanism. it's horribly fucked up but that's what makes it so interesting.
what's interesting is, i have two different stories i wrote (well one at least, the other exists just in my head sigh) and in both of them, one of the twins either dies or is missing, and the effect leads the other twin to adopt more traits from their sibling.
to elaborate, i wrote a short story (less of a story, more of a whole premise post, you can find it on this blog it was to an ask i responded to) where kaoru passed due to taking his own life, and hikaru was left to pick up the pieces of that. the situation left him to be more introverted, secluded, and quiet, much like kaoru was. this included even picking up traits of his unknowingly, like blocking the world out by reading, something hikaru never really did but kaoru did a lot.
on the other hand, i have a fic i might write.....maybe.....some day.....where kaoru is forced to enroll in a different school separate from hikaru, and this includes living away from hikaru in a different estate (idk why their parents prob caught them engaging in incest who fucking knows with these two. do they know what they do in that club. surely they cant be cool with it). anyways, kaoru, feeling lost, scared, and indignant about being forcibly separated from hikaru and in an unfamiliar house, begins acting rude, snappy, and irritable. first day at the new school all he does is get in trouble with teachers and other students for being rude and instigating fights. he basically becomes full of raw emotions that he doesn't know how to handle and just. rages at people. kind of like hikaru would.
idk, i just think its an interesting concept, esp if their behavioral changes are not intentional and it just sort of...happens. could be a coping thing, who knows.
ughhh your concept tho..........exquisite. it reminds me of a fic i was writing here that....i need to finish.......where kaoru gets critically injured via an attempt on his life by someone and hikaru goes ballistic. but, taking that a step further, if something happened to one of the twins or they were, like u said, separated for a long time, i cannot IMAGINE how they would act once together again. somehow even more clingy and protective of one another i'd assume. hikaru would be very loud and obvious with how controlling and worried he is, just wanting to keep kaoru by his side 24/7, while kaoru i think would be quieter, just...silently following hikaru everywhere, being overtly anxious and voicing concerns over things that could go wrong all the time, generally not letting him leave his sight. the co dependency is real....
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sanchoyo · 1 year
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arc v 31-40 thoughts. um. um well, yes………these kids need therapy, to preface this…holy shit ? wow. a lot happened in this stretch of episodes, answered some questions and raised 4000 more. anyway.
-SHINGO TRYING SOOOOO HARD TO BE COOL BUT BEING A MASSIVE DORK IS JUST ENDEARING ME TO HIM SO MUCH MORE. HES LIKE SHOOTING UP MY RANKING. which right as im typing this on 31, is yuzu, shingo, sora, masumi, reiji, and michio as my favs (probably in that order, too. im just as shocked sora got up so high, considering i was ANNOYED when he showed up first LMAO his friendship with yuzu is so endearing tho…)
-new opening! interesting imagery in it, but def liked OP 1 way more song-wise. -_-
-every word out of shingo's mouth im like . yeah ok im loving him hes SO funny JSDHFJK . his deck is furry samurai too, which is. well. its very good.
-reiji seems more concerned with his own goals to see yuya as a proper rival! I think he just sees him as the son of someone he admired, and someone of interest bc of pendulum! I dont think he thinks of this 14 yr old as a threat to his status or anything! which is the usual ygo rival MO…feels like shingo really is that rival character, which makes more sense to me given my expectations for a rival lol! 31-32 were the eps that made me start rly like yuya more (not that I disliked him before! just…he felt more like a protag when he started getting super into it!!! yes show some passion tomato boy!!!)
-wasnt too crazy about the new outro, either (the visuals were nice at least!)
-ok shingo is def the rival, right? right. a lil gay with it. theyre so CUTE firing each other up so much, its actually pretty fun and theyre both having a good time getting the crowd worked up together…wholesome! like, very very wholesome! 32 might be one of my fav eps, along with the yuzu/masumi 2nd duel…
-cannot fucking explain the drop in my stomach when getting to an episode just titled 'neo heartland city' and nothing else. NO NONOONO. NOT MY FUCKING CITY WITH MY FUCKING BLORBOS. EVEN IF ITS SOME KIND OF AU SITUATION IM SO SCARED.
-called it with the masumi being some kind of brainwashed to think shun was always lds! me and yuzu are on the same page
-ok seeing heartland city field spell was DISTURBING LIKE WATCHING A ZOMBIE OF A LOVED ONE BEING REANIMATED. all of the charas are calling it futuristic.. so is... is arc v chronologically in the PAST???? are all the dimensions also on different YEARS or??
-christ alive! reiji is doing the heartland city field spell on PURPOSE TO UPSET SHUN??? 'he should be happy' BITCH HE ISNT HAPPY. SHUN IS A HEARTLANDER. WHICH I ASSUMED BC XYZ, BUT YEAH. YEAH. WHAT HAPPENED BUDDY TELL ME!!!
-oh god
-oh god
-oh god. what the fuck, sora.
-ok. well. i knew this would happen. could not have predicted HOW or the fucking tone shift. I have whiplash. this was hard to watch, I literally had to keep pausing to get up, pace, breath, then come and sit again. several times. the actively being super fake from sora, trying to be cheerful and nonchalant and a bit bratty but still trying to hype the crowd, then the gradual, then frantic build up to someone clearly UnWell and Maniacal and SADISTIC and DESPERATE to Say the Least...insanely well done, hard to watch bc it HURTS. LIKE.
-what the hell, sora. -what the HELL. its not like I ever ENTIRELY trusted him, but my GOD. the execution was flawless
-'hunting you all is FUN and not hard at ALL and I LOVE IT' OK???? 13 YR OLD LOVES GENOCIDE. AND THE OTHER 14? 15? YEAR OLD CLEARLY TRAUMATIZED. BUT IN A RESISTANCE OF SOME KIND. COOL COOL COOL. ALL MY FAVS ARE PROB DEAD OR IN CARDS AUGH.
-both of them need therapy. this whole ordeal, soras scary creepy faces, making children cry, using the scariest creepycute monsters ive ever seen? endears him more to me somehow. hes a littol fucked up actually…more than expected…I can VIBE with that. I LIKE characters that are a Little Fucked and yugioh has NO shortage of them. might have to swap around that fav charas order list immediately.
-I felt bad for shun the entire duel, my god it was cruel of reiji to pull this field up! its! fucking heartland city! AAUGH IM SAD TOO, SHUN.
-fucking . horrifying how desperate sora is to win. shun is fighting for resistance and for survival, sora is trying to prove he can easily 'hunt' xyz users…which, he obv Cant Easily Do, he gets Squished, loses, passes out and has to go to the hospital. thru out this ordeal yuya and co are becoming progressively more horrified, but still care for their friend! awful awful painful to watch. but also, they might be the only ppl sora has in this dimension and I think. i think we can Fix Him. hes YOUNG we can FIX that mindset, right…or am I being too optimistic. idk the way it was framed and how much yuzu and yuya care abt him…I feel like he'll be helped (I hope??? child soldiers bad)
-the next ep opens with yuya, gongenzaka and yuzu actually TALKING ABOUT ALL THIS, swapping info, and thank GOD for that!!!! I felt like yuzu was the only one of them involved heavily in the main plot for a while there!!! yuya was actually pretty serious about it, which is Nice to see (again, hes starting to feel more like a 'protag' to me now…)
-sora and yuto confrontation leads to an escape from the hospital and a duel, of course…that shun doesnt WANT to continue bc sora is obviously! hurt! and yuto isnt HEARTLESS. sora is desperate to Prove Himself (making me wonder if academia punishes ppl who dont…do well or agree to help them…) and fucking yuya finally steps in to help. altho given the context clues. well buddy it doesnt sound like soras on the Correct Side! it sounds like! hes the bad guy here! (or, raised in that mindset at least, not the main bad guy but def needs to be treated carefully) n u shouldnt be dueling yuto at all bc u dont understand the situation!! AUGH. I GET it tho, the little blue freeloader has been eatin pancakes with u everyday for how long,, hes grown on ME TOO SO I CANT SAY ANYTHING. AUGH.
-sora got Sucked Back to fusion dimension bc his identity was compromised. THATS why he couldnt tell anyone! actually very understandable.
-yuto and yuya stopped their duel, realizing they have absolutely NO reason to fight, and yuto was very reasonable and explained everything! im shocked at the straightforward answers to a lot of my questions (I still have a lot more…interesting yuya's dimension is 'standard'…hm)
-they analyzed soras memories without consent while he was unconscious………………dude. dont DO THAT!!!
-banana hair is here! on a bike! I'm a lil confused at synchro's role in the war? they were recruited by fusion?? to help crush xyz?? or just yugo was?? or its a misunderstanding somehow bc they both seem to think the other stole something (someone, right?)... is my ASSUMPTION (at the start of 37 as I type this) which is…ok, reiji's dad is behind it for Some Reason. Why? why just target xyz?
-also where is dm in all of this? (…ok I have a THEORY with NO basis, that arc v/standard dimension is the direct branch of dm but years later. NO basis for this but it would explain where dm fits in, maybe? like arc v being an alternate branch instead of gx, and gx being the actual odd one out on the timeline?? I dont KNOW yet. I think zexal implied 5ds never happened at one point, right?? VERY confused LMAO)
-yugo? (sub says HYUGO which is very funny to me, I know theyre all yu-boys tho. cant fool me) is SILLY.
-ok, theres def four yuya-lookalikes (and yuzu, based on the ruri stuff). I've seen their designs before so I knew that obv, and one for every dimension. why…? whenever they summon their lil dragons and those start resonating they start to go. um. murder-y! yuya snapped yuto out of it, but STILL. I'm assuming this has something to do with…why theres four lookalikes, and yuzu and yuya's Magic Accessories. somehow. I assume maybe…not everyone has alternate dimension counterparts, maybe the accessories have a lot to do with it (~dimension magic~ ??) and them being too close starts to make them go a lil. crazy. (like. saying destroy everything jkdafjk) bc theyre all diff versions of the same person? like just born into diff dimensions. (insert trust no one not even urself memes here lol) and they have diff personalities based on their diff lives/families ofc…this is my theory For Now. lets see yuzu and ruri get close together to see if they also go crazy or What. I Am Waiting
-….yuto didnt DIE die just now right? he vanished. maybe he went back to his home dimension. it LOOKED like a death scene, but my god its ep 37! out of 150ish! he was set up as a main player right?? hes not DEAD dead??? yuya passed out for TWOOOO DAYS AFTER WITNESSING THIS???? he has the constitution of a sickly victorian maiden. (but also, is he just in his room and NOT A HOSPITAL??? HES IN A COMA!!! take him to the hospital tf!!! why are they entertaining meirus crystal spiritual healing!!! )
-oh my god YUZU is the one the bad guy wants? shes an important PIECE. NOT YUYA. AGAIN MAIN CHARACTER STATUSSSS I KEEP SAYING IT BUT. SHES SO IMPORTANT. (can I assume this shadowy bad guy figure is reijis dad? like thats gotta be, right)
-omg last yuya lookalike from fusion dimension is SQUIRRELY EVIL YUYA. I love this flavor of character I can tell just from his vibes hes fun. and hes pink and purbly. good! (LMAO at them translating his name as joeri. its yuri right? theyre all yu-names, furthering my idea theyre all the protags of their dimensions lol)
-…i forgot the maiami championship was even happening LMAO would yuya and yuzu just not have participated further if he stayed in a coma??
-….sora being like 'PLEASE PLEASE LET ME GO BACK TO STANDARD I WANT TO MURDER REFUGEES FROM XYZ SOOO BAD' while on some kind of medical table is. so. like do I laugh or cry about this KJHJSDJ
-SORRY BUT YAIBAS 4 SECOND LONG DUEL?? WAS SO FUNNY. GUY WHO JUST BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF YOU WHILE PLAYING A CARD GAME. SURE!!! OK. guess THATS not against the rules! THEY HAD TO CARRY HIM AWAY ON A STRETCHER. and yuya duels this dude next…I hope yuya returns that energy LMAO
-HEY what the HELL yuya is not responsible for your issues kachidoki LMAO how is it his fault he was having fun with his dad as a kid and you werent?? big jealousy match (also, what the hell @ his sensei telling him he wont have 'childish or fun' duels…when he looked like, 5? HES A BABY AND ITS A GAME SIR)
-'so far you've been walking a sunny path without a single shadow' my god dude, just bc yuya SEEMS happy doesnt mean he has no problems? he HELD A BOY WHO DIED(?) IN HIS ARMS 2 DAYS PRIOR TO THIS DUEL. HES GOT AN INTER-DIMENSIONAL MYSTERY ABOUT HIS LOOKALIKES. POTENTIAL DIMENSIONAL WAR TO DEAL WITH. HIS DAD WENT MISSING WHEN HE WAS A KID!! HES GOT!! PLENTY OF ISSUES!!!
-just as I type that. yuya is having a fucking TRIP about yuto and. looks fucking POSSESSED. RED EYES GLOWING HAIR UP. DID YUTO POSSESS HIM?? WHAT THE HELL. yugioh standard I Guess but is yuto for real just a spirit now?? LIKE, did he ACTUALLY KIND OF DIE DIE. UNSETTLED. (yaaaay xyz protag moment tho ^_^) I guess protags going dark/having a dark side IS ygo standard, theyve all been there! (I mean, ik about vrains, go rush or sevens yet…but up until arc v its been a consistent!) yuto was def not THAT level of scary tho (except when the dragons were resonating and he was all 'destroy everything . um.)
-lmaoooo kachidoki rly got what he asked for. he said ur gonna taste the darkness. and YUYA WENT FULL RUTHLESS SCARY MODE. GOT EM SO FAST. yes yuya everyone is scared of you a little bit HOWEVER consider that I LIKE scary characters who are a Bit Fucked up. keep it up bestie
-my god reiji is basically holding shun hostage, not letting him do anything, or not telling him abt yuto's duel disk being found….mean!
-we're 40 eps in and I still have SO many questions. however we must pause the plot for MAGICAL IDOL GIRL DUEL. SHES SO CUTE!!!!! girl duelists > everyone else. of course we dont get to see yuzus duel, we cut to reiji dueling some rando guard of not yuzu's while not yuzu stands to the side. very cool how they keep not letting the girls do Anything
-reiji is like 'yo why da hells there (2) of yuzu too' me too bud go solve mysteries for me scooby doo!
-very nice how reiji is like 'seal this area and dont let anyone enter until I say so' while theres danger, like, feels like he actually gives a shit despite his cool and levelheaded personality, which is nice. hes not gonna be my number one probably, but I do rly like him as a character so far… (except when he chose heartland field for shun, that was FUCKED up and I still cant tell if he was being sincere in thinking shun would like it or purposely being an asshole…)
-oh my god its not ruri this girl is named serena. JSDFKDJF WELL. IN MY DEFENSE. I MAY BE STUPID. I was prepared to type a full paragraph abt how its so scary academia seems to have taken ruri and brainwashed her so she'd think she was on their side,, and serena. is not ruri. theyre two diff characters. like I thought they were the same person. omg. I was just abt to type 'how does anyone genuinely mistake yuya for yuto theyre SO different looking' then I DO THIS. incredible! thats a great stopping place LMAO
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katstratfordfanclub · 3 months
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december 17, 2023
dear tumbr,
finals are over and i have an abundant amount of time to just get lost in my own mind. i spent the whole day cleaning my bathroom for fuck's sake.
life since the last update has been full of complete ups and downs but i kinda want to focus on my emotional shit right now because thats the thing im struggling the most with.
so ive always been a huge mess emotionally. change is something i struggle with really bad too. my mom stayed home with me until pre-school where it was decided that I needed to go so that my separation anxiety could have a chance to get better. it was hard. going to school continued to be hard for me until the third or fourth grade, long past when it was normal. i would cry when i would get dropped off for the first week or two but the older i got the more ashamed i became of crying. it wasn't normal but i couldn't help it, i would try to stop it but i couldn't. i could only try to hide it to the best of my ability. my emotions were to sensitive according to those around me. being sensitive shouldn't be a bad thing but the word 'sensitive' is frequently used as an insult. i internalized it. i didn't let myself show anything that could be construed as weakness past the fifth grade. it helped. once people stopped seeing a reaction they were less likely to pick on me. this has lasted to nineteen. i have become uncomfortable showing any emotion that is unguarded to others, even those who i desperately want to be able to show how much i love them and that i know want to know when i'm not doing well.
i've taken to experiencing my emotions in private. the dull ache of yearning for connection and the pressing weight of the worlds standards and wanting to be better. i want to be better. better in both in terms to my health, mental and physical, and for those around me. i fear i don't do enough. i don't want to be clingy or rather i don't want to be seen as clingy. i know i'm clingy, i alway have been. but my clingy nature has made me scared that i'm annoying. i don't want to be annoying. i don't want to give anyone a reason to leave.
i'm scared to show sides of myself that are unsavory. especially with clar. the more of myself i show him, the more reasons i give him to leave. at the same time, i want him to know me, in my entirety. its almost like i want him to have all the information before he makes a decision. i truly don't know what keeps him with me. he has done nothing but support me and i've been a complete mess for the past month. i try to pull it together but i don't want to lie. i don't lie to him. that's one vow i've told myself is that i wont lie to him. i don't know why he's with me though, its the one thing i can't wrap my head around. i don't know why he reached out in february about valentines day. i don't know why he reached out in march. i just don't know what is appealing. don't get me wrong, i'm glad he did. i love him. but he could do so much better than me. he could have someone who isn't like this.
anyway, it's christmas time i shouldn't be sad.
i've been crying for two hours now, i cant think straight about what i want to write about.
tldr; i'm insecure and mentally unwell. i hate who i have become.
kat out <3
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mushroom-for-art · 11 months
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Context I was thinking about my like version of the Pokemon world so obviously the one inhabited by my ocs but was also considering the crossover au of the Rosy Maple Moth squad and how in my friend Cinnatwos lore their mew Maple is the mother of Mewtwo and Newtwos as their offspring were stolen. But Moths lore he canonically had a run in with a mewtwo that tried to kill him and I don't think that makes sense for it to have been one of Maples kids especially as he would've sensed similar aura but is completely unaware of her lore
SO to get around this and also desperately try to be unique for my pokemon world I tried to come up with new lore for my version of the og mewtwo, if other blogs get to have the og then so do I XD so in moth squad au there's like 2 separate version of the og, too powerful lmao
My version of mewtwo is similar to xxtcs who was originally a mew first, but unlike Scarfy he had lived most of his life as an adult full grown mew before his capture, the initial string shot did not register as malicious and the speed drop left him incredibly overwhelmed when he was grabbed by more shots of webbing before being hit by a powerful dark pulse, he basically got like 10 speed reduced status effects in one instant mobility severely limited then smacked in the back before his head was yanked back with yet another string shot to receive a nose breaking Shadow Ball.
The metal electric cage thing was inspired mostly by Phlurri (do check out all these brilliant artists BTW I haven't @ them as it feels inappropriate but like go look), but also by the canon ones used in multiple movies like on the legendary birds, the electric fidget spinner thing in the Celebi movie, the zappy shock machines in the second mewtwo movie and those used on newt, the electric netting in the Latios Latias movie, the metal box cage in Zoroark...im seeing a pattern here... Pokemon really likes their bad guy with electrical restraint devices
Anyways these guys clearly knew what they were doing and mew was overwhelmed and severely injured.
My thinking is as its never said what Amber died from/how she died (and like, I checked! I was on her wiki page this morning I couldn't see anything), I've decided Amber had some kind of genetic disease/issue which killed her likely very quickly just she's suddenly really unwell and then she's gone and they couldn't have predicted this. Now you'd think then cloning a new Amber who'd have the exact same genetic structure and would have the same disease and die the same way would be cruel but Dr Fugi had what he considered a big brain moment. Mew is the genetic pokemon, humans and Pokemon were at some point the same, so he wants to splice Mews perfect dna into Amber's to fix and replace the damages to her dna structure to clone a better healthier Amber and maybe even add more benefits like better immune system expression of human Psychic powers ect which that's leaning into very heavy genetic tampering of your own daughter there Fugi. Of course Ambertwos dna genetics rejects the mew sequencing because that's Pokemon dna you absolutely tool. So Dr Fugi goes "the dna is too different, I need to make it easier for Amber's genetic sequencing to accept it," which sir, just get therapy it's probably cheaper. And so he splices HIS dna into the mew because adding Amber's damaged dna into the mew would be counter intuitive but as her dad she has half his dna so by using his which is healthier (tho still a carrier of this genetic disease I imagine), Amber's body should be less likely to reject it. If you're an actual genetic scientist please don't come for me I know this is probably vastly incorrect. So mew gets forcefully spliced with human genetics, resulting in becoming mewtwo.
At some point they likely give the now mewtwo LOTS of drugs both painkillers because of the genetic splicing rejection, forceful immune system suppressant and subsequently merging of dna and altering of his physical form as the new dna is incorporated is hella ouch and also they try to amnesia him when he tries to fight, won't want to escape if no memories of freedom. So Dr Fugi kind of because Mewtwo human genetic father. Also while Ambertwo rejected mew dna, mew probably is unable to reject Fugis dna because of a mix of drugs and probably a lot more aggressive implantation of dna they would've added significantly more of Dr Fugis coding into Mews body to force acceptance but would've been more delicate with Ambertwo naturally.
The new mewtwo dna is then taken and put in Ambertwo and it stabilises her for a while allowing her Psychic access to Mewtwo. I think Ambertwo holds some awareness of things and sees the scared small traumatised confused mewtwo struggling to grasp at fading memories and knows what has happened was wrong, so very wrong. And like in the movie she still dies, I think to some degree she willingly kind of goes "I don't want my life to be made this way," and let's herself slip peacefully back to sleep once more leaving Mewtwo alone.
And then like usual plot lore he starts growing bigger due to human dna, wakes up, kills people, gets manipulated by Giovanni, commits crimes and murder, questions Giovanni and bails when he realises he was lied to and used and goes fuck it I'm taking ALL you bitches out. A very grumpy man
He's probably a lot more cynical than others due to his vague memories of being a mew knowing his life was stolen because of one selfish human and he hates the mew he encounters in the movie as they're like a mockery of himself giggling blissfully at his agony a reflection of look what you were look what you've lost.
He's a lot more hateful of other twos as well he thinks generally they shouldnt exist ever, he has a lot of projected hate, he believes the others genetic freaks and abominations because they're made as twos off the bat, he's different he tells himself he's better than them because he was a natural creature first. But really he hates himself the most because of what he lost and envies the kind of innocence the others have of not having lost a life. He's just going through a lot don't worry he'll get put in therapy
But yea this is the weird short comic thing of my boy and introduction to him and if I never draw him then oops.
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nobody0805 · 3 years
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Soulcember day 10
Taglist: @xeina @tamakiisimp @error-loading-sorry @o-oxd @chihirochan @bakugousbreathmint @shyerue @shadowinthedarkknight @freyafolkvangr @sarahbear8771
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Liar
You and Tamaki got to know each other when he transferred to your school. You and mirio had the same idea of going up to him and talk to him and you three have been inseparable since then.
You actually felt more close to Tamaki than to Mirio.
And when you started planning a surprise birthday party for Tamaki and had to lie to him, you found out why.
Tamaki noticed words appearing on his wrist when you said ”nothing is wrong, don’t worry about it“ to him.
Those exact words were on his wrist for a few hours, you didn’t notice though since he didn’t tell you about it.
The party was still surprising to him and he was really glad that you only had lied to him because of something like that.
You on the other hand noticed it when Tamaki caught a cold one day and lied to you about it.
He was visibly feeling unwell and after you had asked him how he was feeling since he was really pale, the words ‘I’m fine...‘ appeared on your wrist after he said them.
Your eyes widened at that, showing him your wrist and startling him. He das forgotten you were soulmates.
You two started dating shortly after that.
Both of you weren’t really fans of lying. It had no use anyway since the other would know if it was a lie. You two were open with each other.
But recently, Tamaki was keeping a secret from you.
Whenever you asked him about it he would dodge the question, change the topic or walk away from you, finding an excuse as to why he’s leaving. Those excuses mainly being something like ”I’ll go cook dinner” or ”I wanted to call Mirio...“
You were scared that he wanted to break up with you. Being soulmates didn’t mean you had to be together.
So you decided to corner him when he got home from work.
”Tamaki please talk to me...“ he noticed the desperate tone in your voice, averting his eyes to avoid looking at you in fear of telling you what was wrong.
He didn’t want to tell you, at least not yet.
Sighing, you stepped away from him.
”I guess it’s no use then huh...“
Tamaki looked at you, trying his best to keep quiet.
”please just... if you want to break up with me just tell me! Don’t try to ignore the problem and make it worse!“
Break up with you?
Tamaki’s eyes widened, realising that him keeping this secret made you think he wanted to break up.
”(y/n)-” he tried to talk to you now, but you were too far gone in that idea that you didn’t hear him.
”come on! Do it! If that would make you happier I wouldn’t mind!“
Those last words slowly appeared on his wrist.
”(y/n) please stop!“
”why should I if you’re too scared to tell me what’s wrong?!“
”because I’m trying to tell you-“ now his voice was getting desperate, but it fell on deaf ears.
”Tell me what?! That you want to break up? That I’m too clingy? That you found someone better? That you’re maybe cheating?!“
”NO! I’m trying to tell you to shut up!“ startled by his loud voice, you shut up, unable to look at him.
”(y/n)... please look at me...“ slowly, you complied.
What you saw made you tear up.
He had a small box in his hands, in this box was a ring with a (f/c) gem
”I... planned on doing this in a few days. I wanted to go out with you and then do this but... I don’t want our relationship to break over me not telling you what I’m planning...“ his hands were slightly shaking.
”(y/n) please, you know im not lying to you. I love you and... I’d like to take the next step if you’ll allow me to...“
When he got down on one knee in front of you, your eyes widened and you teared up even more, tears now spilling from your eyes.
”will you marry me?“
You nodded, immediately hugging him and saying ”yes“ over and over again.
After you had calmed down a bit, you immediately apologised for your behaviour earlier. Tamaki forgave you of course, the words on his wrist slowly disappearing again.
During the whole confrontation your wrist stayed normal, no words appearing and assuring you that he told you the truth the whole time.
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sharongoodnow · 3 years
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ughhhhhhhhhhhh i like desperately want to write and it’s been that way for like. since february. lmao. and like ive tried to get to the bottom of this straight up it was like honestly the driving force for me wanting therapy because if this part of my life is fucked up like. the reason i even started writing fic in the first place was that i was sick out of my mind on my couch and i read an article about how you’re uninteresting unless you Do Things and i was like okay all i ever cared about was writing but i stopped doing that because i was like. getting abused that’s a different story ANYWAY so like. there i am. basically dying. like you know those cytokine storms you hear about with covid? i was straight up having one of those just with a different disease. i lost ten pounds that week that stayed off. constant paranoia constant panic being too dizzy to stand barely able to eat. my medications required me to eat twice a day with the pills and i remember staring down a meal bar like staring it down and being terrified because i knew i would spend the next four hours in agony because i’d eaten, feeling that about to puke lurch every five seconds, just like. Sick out of my mind. and just staring down the stupid meal bar and having to force myself to eat it. and that would be the only food i ate all day because i just couldnt take anything else. like i was That Sick. and even like FURTHER LORE ive had panic attacks for like Ever and my primary coping mechanism for them was exercise and suddenly that was taken from me so i was running out of options. which then led to a minor b*nzo add*ction but we’re also not talking about that! so like. i was at the end of my rope. and that wasnt even the sickest i ever got alkdsjgalskgjd but either way i was like i need SOMETHING so i started writing shitty fanfiction (and it was shitty. like it was REALLY BAD) with the intention of like. this does not need to be good. it just needs to serve a purpose for me and hopefully for others. like. people are desperate. and people read it out of desperation <3 lmaooooo so i mean it worked. so like. having a huge block come up that months and months later i still hadn’t resolved like. Like i had a gut feeling that there was something Really Bad brewing. like i straight up dont remember how i came up with my pen name because again i was sick as hell on my couch and half the things i remember from then are hazy. i didn’t have internet access or cell service and no one was home so i was basically losing my mind and at some point i ended up with redbox dvds that i dont remember picking up but that none of my family members picked up either. i wore the same dog pajama pants for four days straight. like. i was Unwell and i still did this. so now im like. okay i’m psychologically circling the drain if Right Now i cant do this. and then therapy uh Backfired to say the least. and now i straight up still can’t do this and it’s driving me insane. i think it’s just emotional exhaustion and burnout. i am so sad all the time alkgdjalgkdjadkgj like. And there’s legit nothing i can do about it. EXCEPT I CAN WRITE! except i cant. lmao
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borealopelta · 3 years
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Starting off well in ep 9 with Lady Jane and the stark contrast of the high society of London and their faith and optimism and the cold dead empty desert that is the Arctic, the brutality of their life up there once again so horribly omnipresent especially in this episode
Mr Crozier is really throwing out speeches left and right like it’s nothing… let them be warm as they go…hit me hard the first time and hits even harder now. He’s such a good guy by the end
Mr Gibson and Mr Goodsir in the tent and how Mr Goodsir has lost all his good will…one might say he became… Mr Badsir as he tells Mr Gibson how he’ll suffer with such resignation. It’s so upsetting to see, but not as bad as Mr Hickey as he [redacted] his boyf…but at least he was gentle with him. Poor Mr Goodsir has to do things he never imagined in his worst nightmares…oh how the turns have tabled…”Don’t you also want to live?” No. Had he survived this would’ve made for an excellent villain origin story
And then…and Then…Mr Gender looks so dead, like a soggy rag doll that’s been in a trash compactor and it hurts to see him like this, so broken, so sick, so desperate to be of use even as he’s dying Christ Almighty this is the worst scene, I love it (I shan’t say any more about this because it hurts too much)
“I’m not losing two friends in one day” Mr Francis Sir you used to hate one of them not that long time ago, but. The despair in his face, he knows how hopeless and doomed the situation they’re in is yet they’re laughing in the face of death quite literally…this is fine <3
Mr Blanky finding the thing they were looking for all these years and not even getting a chance to tell anyone…what a tragedy, though I’m glad to see anyone seem genuinely happy at this point
The difference in their reactions to their newfound source of nutrition in camp Hickey is so interesting to see, as revolting as it is, it makes me want to watch this scene over and over again. And Lt Hodgson’s confessional to Mr Goodsir hit me right in the religious trauma. I can’t believe I missed that so hard the first time round
“Go be with your brother now” and “You and the others will live” I’m going Insane, the things they say hurt so much looking at the big picture
And another beautiful final shot with Mr Blanky and his forks. He seems so unfazed by their entire situation even as he’s staring into the face of death, we love to see it
This was another long one, but there’s just one episode left so bear with me as I prepare to have my heart broken entirely
Oh the cut from lady jane to uhhh was it hoar??? anyway the bitten in half head is always on my mind it's so good when i saw it for the first time i was literally like :0!!!!!
Let them be warm as they go is. You know. Activates the mental illness. Also you know you are talking to thee cardinal "had a panic attack about the death fitzdeath scene" sin so Preaching To The Choir and all that it fucking SUCKS and i keep skipping it on my rewatches like No Thank You i do not have the time nor mental capacity for a forty minute breakdown <3 and then,,,you know how in all his life james wanted to be Seen like properly with a capital S and then Francis gave him that and told the men to,,,,make him invisible,,,, coming casually undone at the seams <3
Mr Badsir is having a bad time and also he was like,,, abducted so it makes sense that he doesn't have sympathy for the mutineers (who also made it so silna aka the only sensible person around aka Goodsir's wcw had to go) but it does hurt bc i do love Billy Gibson™ and like,,,Hickey,,,,i wish to kick him in the head <3 it was a super duper cruel death and i need two minutes to be Ill about Billy.
The I'm not losing two friends in a day thing,,,the "jesus christ thomas" when blanky shows him the legg and then he's literally Crying and has to Walk Away because he's having a sexy little breakdown about it,,,once again the acting choices,,,, because that's his best friend and he knows Blanky will die either way so of course he'll say yes in the end but the if you have to sit on a boat I'll put you there myself... he can't imagine losing blanky and gets so angry at even the Thought of It and it says a lot about their friendship that blanky gets him to agree to this suicide mission and then manages to cheer up and comfort francis. Oh it's just that i know you speech we're really in it now. That's his best friend!!!!
Hodgson in ep9 is one of my favourite character storylines. His sitting apart with his china. The confessional. That he's only here because he got lost and stumbled upon Hickey's camp by accident,,,he could have been spared this. [Pulls out my I Love Lt George Hodgson Club Membership Card] he deserved better and i should be able to give him a hug.
And listen. Sometimes i get the tommy hartnell feels and watch the second half of ep 9 for that scene alone. Crozier really takes tom under his wings from ep 7 onward and it's so special and im just dhcbchbfjxnxkdhfkdjd i am Unwell. the go be with your brother line makes me want to Die as well as Tommy's little face,,,,he gets shot because he calls out to his FRIEND who is perhaps the most under hickeys influence and he's looking out for him and,,,god he must be in so much pain,,,hes just a BOY!!! i am infinitely emotional about tart and jart and this is Not Helping.
And yeah Blanky...i'm actually super fond of his last scenes? He gets a beautiful ending bit with finding the passage and smoking his pipe with that manic smile because he did it. He just sits there.....the amount of thomases is getting confusing but i AM balls deep in love with mr thomas blanky. and his forks. and his one (1) amc approved swear. thomas blanky says fuck
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prcphetess · 4 years
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greetings ladies, theydies, n gaydies !  it’s officially pride month / my birth month which means my power and chaos are both at their absolute highest so i apologize in advance :/  ANYWAY i’m hannah, i’m twenty but only for a couple more weeks, i’m kickin it in the est, n i use she/her pronouns !  now onto what you’re all here for ...
enter LOURDES CLEMONTE .
her app / bio are kind of Wild Rides but if ur in the business of reading i did send her app in the discord server n i also have Just her bio linked on her navigation tab as well as a stats page !! but i’ll try my best to summarize all the important stuff here !
also before we get started .. a quick TW for child loss, non-descriptive mentions of grooming, sexual harassment/assault, abuse, car crashes, n death and i THINK that’s everything
HISTORY.
it all started w her dad .. leopold clemonte.. in summary: fuck that guy !
he’s a hot shot author turned movie writer man but in order to gain all of his success he had to make a series of shady deals w none other than our petty king apollo
deal #1 was the life of her twin brother :(
deal #2 was her mother’s sanity aka she became like.. a ghost essentially who no longer speaks or interacts w anyone it’s very sad
deal #3 was meant to be lourdes 
now to backtrack a minute, our girl lou went to school to become a playwright bc her whole life she was desperate to make herself seem worthy to her father n unfortunately leopold knew this and used it to his advantage when apollo demanded he pay off his debt
leopold essentially groomed her to please apollo and promised that she would have a hand in his business forever if she could do tht so she was like okay :)
until .. apollo’s price got too high... u know... n she dared to say no and for that she was Punished
aka cursed
but more about that later
anyway bc she royally pissed off apollo by rejecting him, leopold ALSO lost all his help in being famous and had to turn to a famously wealthy family in california known as the grimaldis 
in order to get them to fund him, he forced lourdes to marry their son brooks who was Not A Nice Man 
2 years into their marriage brooks died in a car accident tht lou Might have caused.. for legal reasons i can neither confirm nor deny whether tht happened but the police didn’t charge her so do with tht what you will 
but she kind of went on the run anyway bc post-curse her doctors were like “nah this bitch is straight up crazy” and she knew her dad wasnt gonna b happy with her for another deal going sour so .. she ran !  and she’s kinda been hotel hopping between towns for the last 3 years trying her best not to interact w anyone !
CURSE.
lou’s curse is all abt prophecy baby !
okay so basically she can see the future of things/objects via touching them which was a whole big symbolic thing in the app bc she “deceived” apollo w her hands .. idk man here’s the line from the bio tht says it best
he  binds  her  wrists  and  says  because  it  was  your  hands  you  used  to  lie ,  now  your  hands  will  see  the  truth  as  he  renders  her  incapable  of  touching  anything  or  anyone  without  foreseeing  an  imminent  doom .  you  will  see  but  never  be  seen ,  he  says .  you  will  hear  but  never  be  heard .
ofc in true cassandra style, if she tries to talk to anyone abt her curse ever it’s like the earth swallowed her whole.. nobody can hear her.. nobody can see her.. nothing.. 
she also has absolutely no idea how to control it at all so like sometimes they’re very vivid images of something going to happen sometimes theyre more like bad feelings abt things .. it’s like a fun game where she never knows whats gonna happen and the prophecies ruin her life !
another quote bc im too lazy to resummarize things
the  general  rule  of  thumb ,  however ,  is  that  the  smaller  the  vision ,  the  easier  it  is  to  see  clearly .  small - scale  or  individual  prophecies  —  like  her  university  president  having  a  heart  attack  —  are  generally  more  easy  to  distinguish .  in  comparison ,  the  years  of  anguish  that  brooks  would  later  cause  her  were  much  harder  to  pin  down  and  presented  themselves  more  as  a  more  general  sense  of  danger .
 the only way she can stop it is with a literal.. physical barrier so she sometimes wears gloves but she can only have them on for a small amount of time before her body starts to reject it and make her Physically Unwell so she has to pick n choose man its unfortunate
EXTRA INFO.
man homegirl is Lonely.. big time... she’s just been avoiding human contact for such a long time she’s ALONE !
she has 2 major scars from the car accident, one on her left cheek from the windshield and one down her right shoulder/bicep from the window and both are very much noticeable :(
she very much loves this small town feeling bc she loves to b invisible and it’s so easy to in sleepy nowhere towns like this
she lives off the database property in like .. a tiny run down house that she’s putting all her time and energy into fixing up n she likes it a lot bc she hasnt had a home of her own in a long time
she also has a black cat named ernest, named after the play the importance of being earnest by oscar wilde
she’s also been working on a PLAY for the last few years, it’s a greek-esque tragic “romance” between the sun and the moon, where the sun is based on apollo and the moon is based on her and it does end with the sun realizing tht the moon is the only person w the power to eclipse him and extinguish him so get fucked apollo !
also speaking of writing she writes a letter home to her mom once every couple of months even tho like .. she can’t really read.. it’s very sad, lou is very sad, thank u for listening
ok this is already like .. stupid long.. so im gonna call it a day WHEW but thank u for reading n i think i’ve honestly already plotted w most of u but feel free 2 like this anyway n i’ll either slide into ur dms either to plot or just to say hey KSDJFSK :)
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inksplit · 4 years
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i don't know if you answer asks on this blog, but i've been following for awhile and only just discovered that you have an oc named ren. my name is ren (it's short for aaren), so i was wondering if you could tell me about them? because i think it's really cool that you have an oc that shares my name. thanks!
I absolutely do answer asks here, my main is @blookmallow if anyone wants to know but it’s cool to message me here too 
im very very slowly working on an adaptation of dracula, “ren” is my nickname for my renfield, and distinguishes stuff im tagging for my renfield vs other versions of renfield (that’s also why I have a “drac” tag, that’s for my dracula separate from just Any dracula, other characters im just doing by first name, so thats jonathan, mina, quincey, whoever else ive started tagging for) 
ive run into a problem with lucy westenra though because. my. name is lucy, :’)
so i dont really want to have a character with my name, im most likely gonna call her lucille but everyones probably gonna be like ‘why would you change just one character’s name slightly thats weird’ but whatever
anyway yea thats for my renfield. its a very early work in progress. im going for a kind of... mad jester aesthetic/speaks in riddles and he’s very, very unwell but frequently somehow Knows Things He Shouldn’t/violently shifts between emotional extremes/desperately in love with dracula because he once saved him and he’s become The Savior, My Master, My Love in his mind now
its a really complicated dynamic to work with because on the one hand, renfield (mine and every renfield,) deserves so much better and i WANT dracula/renfield to work but it is so abusive in most versions especially the original and it’s an inherent... power imbalance sort of thing so I’m not sure where to take it right now 
basically i dont have a lot to say about it right now because it’s nothing other than a pile of scribbles and half-ideas but maybe it’ll be a thing one day
there’s, like, a couple things in my tag for it on my main but i dont really have anything substantial yet 
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reeree1500 · 5 years
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The Return- Part 9
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Disclaimer: Im so sorry for keeping you guys waiting, but Ive been trying to figure out my new schedule and had literally no time to write anything down 😬 This part contains lots of angst and honestly I don't feel like its the best🤣 I want to thank y'all for all the love and support💕☺️And forgive me in advance for this is 100% gonna be utter shit😭🙏🏽 So don't kill me😅
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 10
Taglist: @yanii-the-hippie @oceans-daughter-3 @peaceisadirtyword @laketaj24 @camatsuru @youbloodymadgenius @calum-hoodwinked-me @cutegyrl927 @wuxiesalt @readsalot73 @cindy-exo @amy8220 @affection-rabbit @mel0nch0ly @queenofallthyfandoms @limbo-limbo-limbo @ragnarssonsbitch @supernaturalvikingwhore @ifihadwings128 @paintballkid711 @jenny-the-lover @funmadnessandbadassvikings  @blonddnamedhandz @hallowed-heathen @pinkrockstar19 
- Sorry if I missed any of you💕 Lemme know if you want to be tagged. Also requests are open, and I’ve got a ton of them to do and finish. Hopefully Ill be able to post them soon enough
Warnings: Angst, Violence, bad grammar + spelling.😂
Your POV
“My wife...” At Ivar’s words you had felt as if your heart had been ripped out of your chest, crumpled, and stomped on by him right in front of you. You just looked at the blonde beauty and thought about how perfect she was and how you could have never compared to her. “(Y/n), are you alright? You seem pale and quite unwell.” Freydis says to you with what would seem as genuine concern in her eyes. Your mind was at a loss for words, something that did not happen often to you anymore. You didn't know whether it could've been out fo jealousy or if out of shock and what seemed like a flare of anger rising in you. “Just a little light headed, that's all. Anyways, are you alright if we go up to the castle now? Or are there anymore people on the ship?” You say through gritted teeth and a fake smile on your face. Freydis exchanges a look with Ivar and he then turns to you with a smile on his face nodding. As the three of you turn to walk towards the hill leading to the castle, you noticed how Freydis gushed over Ivar in front of you. Occasionally she would turn and pretend to admire her surroundings and meet your eyes trying to show off. You promised yourself that for the love of your siblings and family that you would go along with the facade and pretend as if you didn't want to kill her every time she clung onto him like that. But it was proving much harder than you had initially thought. “Freydis, I would like a moment to talk to (y/n). You can continue making your way to the castle with a few of my men, just be careful love.” You heard Ivar say to her as his lips grazed hers. 
Why had you been so jealous? You were happily married now to Arthur and had 2 beautiful children by him. As you would not let yourself think otherwise as to who the possibility of who the father could be. Not paying attention to Ivar or his “wife” you kept looking out towards the gardens and the townspeople. Your body is then whisked around rapidly by your so called “brother” and you come face to face for the first time in 4 years. “Why?” “Why what Ivar?” You say rolling your eyes at him trying to avoid this touchy subject. “You know exactly what!” He says pulling you off to the side and out of hearing range of anyone around. “How could you keep my children away from me!” 
Ivar says as his grips tightens on your arms, surely to leave a bruise. Back then you would have cowered with fear at his tone of voice. But now you were a queen and Arthur had made you realize that no one not even himself could ever trample over you again! “First of all, you are not the king here and you DO NOT! Call the shots!” You say gripping his hand and forcing it to unclasp your arm. “Secondly, my children have a father and his name is Arthur Pendragon. The King of this land and I am his queen and I will not have you disrespect him with such blasphemous words leaving your mouth!” You say to him, with as much venom as you could muster laced into your words. His eyes showed shock and admiration in them. Surely in his mind he thought about how much you had changed and how the once scared girl that graced the land of Kattegat was now gone. Ivar knew the answer to his question though. You could not bare to let him in on the fact that you had bared him children, it would have placed everyone you cared for in the danger you had placed so far away from you. Not waiting for him to answer and get his words together you turn around and leave him behind in the dust. Walking away you felt empowered and for the first time like you had the control over him and it felt good.
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Making your way through the halls of the castle you finally reach the hall to see everybody gathered and chatting with each other. Marjorie notices you enter and springs quickly from Arthur’s lap and makes a bee line for your arms. “Mama! You're just in time, Uncle Bjorn is telling us stories of when you were my age. Frankly you were quite boring, but it’s okay you’ve gotten a wee bit more fun!”  She said as she clung around your neck. This child you say as you internally roll your eyes. She could always leave a whole room without words in seconds. But it was a quality that you were quite fond of. Carrying Marjorie in your arms you made your way towards Arthur and sat beside him. Marjorie then jumps from your arms to Arthurs lap and starts to play with the buttons on his jacket. Marjorie adored her father and it was evident to everyone who would look their way. Especially Ivar who sulked and gritted his teeth every time his eyes laid on her playing with Arthur. 
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Arthur lived to serve our children, but Marjorie was his mini-me. However, Erik was all mine. At that I call Erik away from the candies I know that he so desperately wants to eat, but that I will not let him. This boy is hyper enough as it is and I cannot handle so much excitement and emotions today. His little eyes turn to me pleading for a small bite of the sweets that are bestowed upon him. However, I am firm in my decision and although disappointed he makes his way to me with a huge smile on his face and his arms outstretched. Holding him in my arms I cannot resist, but spin him around as we both giggle and fall to the floor in a fit of laughter. “You're an exceptional mother (y/n), I always knew you would be.” Bjorn says whilst looking toward me with tears brimming in his eyes. “I feel incredibly proud of you for pushing past all the horrible things that have been placed in front of you and you coming out on top.” At that tears begin to form in mine. “Ok, Ok. No more crying. I feel as if there has been enough of that in our lives to last us the rest of them.” Hvitserk says whilst laughing. At his comment everyone laughs and that is when Sara enters the hall. “Your highness it is time for their majesties’ lessons.” She says whilst bowing her head. At that Erik and Marjorie stand up and rush towards her. They loved Sara and treated her as if she were their older sister. In fact she was Mira’s younger sister who was sent to me by Gisela when she found out about my pregnancy. I could not have asked for a better tutor for my children. Saying my goodbyes to them I turn to walk towards my husband, but come to notice a certain look on a certain bear like man. Bjorn’s eyes hold an astonished look of admiration and adoration. The look of a man who's been taken to heaven and does not wish to come back. 
Arthur taps my knee to grab my attention, but he notices what Ive just witnessed and a smirk is displayed on his face. “It seems that our little Sara has caught your interest, Bjorn?” Arthur says playfully to him. “Yes, it appears to be so. Ive never met such a beautiful woman in my life.” Bjorn says still in what seems to be a trans like state of some kind. “Bjorn, surely you’ve met more beautiful women than a simple tutor and maid, have you not?” Freydis says from Ivar’s side. Her comments made by blood boil, which Arthur noticed and took quick action against. He placed his arms around my shoulders and whispered sweet nothings into my ears. He then lays one of his hands on my lap, to then which I place my hands on his, holding him ever close to us.
The way she caresses his hair and the way she positions herself beside him is bothersome to me. It goes to show that Freydis is a woman that will do anything to keep him, even if that a means worshipping him like a God. Trying to lighten the mood and ease the tension that quickly seems to be building up. Arthur asks about Kattegat and how it has been since we left. What we didn't know was that at this very moment just a few feet away was the person who would bring about sorrow and grief everywhere they went. Especially to me.
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Bjorn’s POV
When Arthur asked about the current state of Kattegat, my hands balled into fists. Not by his question, but because the ruin of Kattegat had come with us to England. “Well, it could be better, but I will not ruin our visit with such an ill subject.” I reply in a tone in which everyone understands that the subject matter at hand should not be one to be discussed. At the moment (y/n) decides to turn the attention upon Ivar and his new wife. It was obvious that she was hurt by it, however knowing my sister she would never admit that to a soul. She was moodier then I could remember her being, but it could just be the fact that people in England are moodier then everyone. “When and how did this come about, and why had we not heard sooner about this union Ivar. Where you hiding your wife from me? Or did you simply want to take us by surprise when you brought your whore to a place where my children reside? Huh!” (Y/n) says while she stands up, rage very much evident in her eyes. 
At that the room became silent and servants who seemed shocked and outright astonished by the fact that (y/n) was behaving this way. Arthur stood up from his throne and pulled her body into his as a way to try to calm her down, but we knew that it would not be so easy. “Control yourself (y/n), please. This is not good for you and you know it. The doctor said you should rest and not become stressed. Please I beg of you, listen to me and stand down.” Arthur whispers into her ear. After what seems like ages (y/n) looks down and Arthur softens his hold on her. A quiet Im sorry leaves her lips and she walks out of the room towards what seems to be her quarters. I would have to check up on her, this was very unsalted behaviour for her and it worried me.
 Arthur clears his throat and asks the servants to shows us to our rooms, but not before asking Ivar to stay behind. “Ivar, please stay. I would like to have a word with you and apologize for my wife’s behaviour towards you both.” As everyone moves Freydis seems to stay in her place by Ivar’s side. Obviously not getting the fact that she was not part of the conversation that was to be had. “Alone.” Arthur says while facing the window and his back to them. Something that I knew bothered Ivar very much...Authority and power which he could do nothing about. 
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Arthur’s POV
“So, what is it that you wanted to speak to me about, besides your wife’s ridiculous outburst?...Your majesty.” Ivar says through gritted teeth. Turning around I keep my face stoic as ever, however all I wanted was to punch this man in the face for all the pain and suffering he had not only caused my wife, but her people as well. I had heard of Ivar’s actions against his people from my spies in Kattegat and from Bjorn himself. I knew that the once respect that I held for this man had gone out the window the moment he started burning everyone who opposed him. “Come, I wish to show you something out on the balcony.” I say to him as I walk without waiting for his reply. I can feel his eyes burning holes into my skull, but I care not for this as I have more pressing matters at hand. 
Stepping out onto the balcony I look over the lands that had been bestowed upon me by my father. “These lands, were given to me by my father, who which in turn got them from his father, and so on. One day when (y/n) and I are gone these lands shall go to Erik or Marjorie... Our children.” In this moment Ivar scoffs and I could see him roll his eyes at me. “Your children? We both know who damn well! Fathered those children Arthur! It wouldn't take much to see the resemblance between us!” He yells at my direction. “I invited you to my home so that my wife would be able to see her family once again away from the dangers of Kattegat! But I now see that it was a mistake to invite you here. Erik and Marjorie are not and will never be yours! And on top of that you come with a “wife” who's sole purpose of your marriage was to get your mind off of my wife! MY WIFE! Whom shall never be yours!” I yell at him as my patience wears thin. Unable to hold back the anger and resentment I feel towards him anymore, I grab him by the collar and push him towards the railing. Grabbing him so that he may not fall, but just enough to try and scare him. 
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However, I underestimated him and feel my footing quickly fall from beneath me. Ivar then lunges himself on top of me and begins to throw punches left and right. I dodge and fight back as much as I can, but he is able to get a couple of punches in. Spotting an opportunity I quickly flip us over and start punching him for everything he has done. At this point I see red and fear that there will be nothing to stop me from killing him. Except my wife. “Arthur! Let him go! What are you doing!” She says as she runs towards us. In that moment I forgot about ivar and stared at my wife, but it only took a second for Ivar to kick me and cause me to crash against the railing itself. “Ugh!” Before I could lunge myself at him (y/n) threw herself in front of him. And I stopped dead in my tracks. How could I have been so foolish to think that she could have ever loved me back. To think that we could have actually had something. NO! She will always choose him, she will always choose Ivar. 
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Your POV
I couldn't let them go on. I couldn’t let my husband kill the man that I once loved. No matter how much he deserved it, but Arthur didn't understand that. He didn't understand that I had put Ivar behind me and that now all I wanted and all I needed was him. Arthur looked like as if his world had been flipped upside down and like his heart had been ripped out of his chest, by me. Shaking his head he looks down and heads inside. Not before stopping and turning around to face Ivar one last time. “If you ever utter the words that Erik and Marjorie are yours, I will not hesitate to kill you on the spot. Im done showing mercy and being the fool.” And with that he walks inside bloodied and leaving me astonished. “(y/n), I...” “Shut up! Just shut up! How dare you! Did I not warn you that something like this would happen! You need to stop Ivar, Erik and Marjorie are not yours and will never be! Arthur has been the father that they need and deserve. You on the contrary will never be their father, because all you do is bring me pain!” I yell at him through the tears that fall down my face like a cascade. 
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“How could I have proven to you that I could be great father, when you didn't even give me a chance! I gave you a way out of the situation you were in! I told you that we could have run away together and lived together as a family away from it all. But you! You decided that I wasn't good enough for you!” He says standing up from the ground cradling his side, obviously showing that Arthur had got in a good punch or two. “I couldnt have and you know it! Floki he...” I begin to say before I stop myself and think about that night. “What! What did he say to you (y/n)! What lies are you gonna spew out about the only man that has ever cared for me my entire life!” He says getting extremely close to me, his eyes showing hints of a side to him that I had never come across but had heard from the gossip and read from the letters Bjorn sent to Arthur. “Your precious Floki threatened me with your life and that of everyone who is close to me, if I didn't leave Kattegat! So yes! Blame me Ivar for being so selfish that I placed your life and the lives of everyone I cared about before my own!” With that I left Ivar standing there in the balcony by himself, just like I had left him that night 4 years ago.
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1 month ago...
“What do you need of me, my queen?” Freydis said to Aslaug. “Ivar and his brothers shall be visiting England fairly soon and I will need you to be my eyes and ears into everything that occurs there. I wish to know exactly what (y/n) and her husband have been up to, I hear that their union had been blessed with children. Find out more about them and if you ever get a chance, take this.” Aslaug says as she pull out a vial. “This will ensure your reign as Queen of Kattegat and will finally put an end to that Christian child. I do not care of she's miles away, while she breathes Ivar will never be yours. And he will never grow to be the man that I wish him to be.” Aslaug says with a cold heart and an even colder face. “But, she's of no danger to me. Ivar is mine and he always will be, its been fated by the gods themselves.” Freydis says giving the vile back. In that moment Floki comes out from the shadows. “I have lost all whom I care about, because of (y/n). Ragnar, Bjorn, Ivar and Helga have all turned their back on me because of her. I was forced to kill my own wife because of what she did in order to save this child. And you too will lose, if you do not comply with our demands.” He says whilst placing the vial back into Freydis’ palm. “You must do this if not for us, then for Ivar and all of the gods.” 
“I will...”
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modern-oedipus · 4 years
Text
Kinda a personal post that is not required to read but just first line is enough
Also I couldn’t get back to much of personal messages today because:
• i threw up in the morning and it shoookth me
• was running on 2 hours sleep
• had 8 hours of continious lecture and barely made it home just now, eaten, and calmed her shit down
•has 3 assingments and 2 quizzes due tomorrow
•did I mention, I can hear my own breath making Z z Z z Z z z Z sounds due to post-asthma hypersensitive body or SOME anNOYING THING that doctors said
• im mentally unwell because someone I love is mentally unwell and I can’t do a thing to help him regardless of my efforts and also i feel quite sad and desperate in general even though I do my best to not just let it go and get in a depresso mood
• so like. Responsibilities piled up, emotionally at my limit, physically sick, but at least not in so much physical pain.
I haven’t let anything go, though! I take care of my sick body regardless, I try to eat healthy, I /am/ doing the responsibilities one by one and making sure I finish them even if it costs me some sleep, I am trying to mentally reassure myself to things and although I haven’t got to write them down yet I planned some 2020 resolutions and cleaning; they have been on my mind for a long while now so if it all goes well I am planning to get a better start at the new year! I think I have done fairly well in 2019, most of my resolutions came to true by my own efforts anyway.
Anyway I didnt have to give a long explanation about why I was like this, I’d just say “I’m unavailable” if I didn’t want to share, but since I know that most of you care about me as friends (and I care about you as friends too, obviously, that’s a two sided thing), I thought those who care may read, just to have somr sort of idea about why Nila is shitposting but not individually replying. Those who don’t care (with no offense in them since no one is obligated to) have long scrolled past this, anyway.
Ihh I’m tired! Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, I’m tired at all aspects but worse? I objectively don’t think it will get better. But I also objectively know that I hve no choice but to work to make it better because I love my life that I regained after so much hard work and battling with d, I love my family and friends whose days we brighten together, I (sort of) love my scientific research even tho science doesn’t seem to love me, I love the stories I am writing and the newspaper I am managing, I love walking in the soft wind, I love coffee talks and fun dates and hook ups, I love my pets and I love everyone who reached out to me and befriended me here on this account, I love reading/writing comments to the ao3 and reading/writing replies back to them, I love the fandom stuff we organize, I love working out and then having that serotonin boost, I love offering a newly baked recipte to family/friends, I love casual hook ups and if and when I’m in a relationship (my last rl lasted 3 years sooo... rip.. that was most of my life) I do love loving and being loved in return, I mean, I even love doing laundry like it is such a nice feeling to put all dirt in a machine and then take it back perfectly clean and cozy and nicely smelling, like idk, because of all these things (and more that I forgot to add) I can’t give up from my life and I can’t stop fighting for it to be better. I can’t give up from myself or my loved ones. There is so much to live for.
P.S. I also low key live for the days Given, To Die For, the “photographer Ray” au whose name I forgot, and the teacher/student norray fics ( ;) ) gets updated. I mean I’m sure I’m reading many more fics but these are the stuff I have been looking forward to ever since August or something and just knowing that one day I /MAY/ read a chapter of them sometimes make me motivated enough to go through a day. Also spaceomania’s (damn did I spell that right?! I’m absolutely NOT tagging anyone to this long ass post, don’t want them to go trouble reading it aLL) comments like I’m sure they made not just me but many other authors write a lot more happily than they normally would, oh I also live for Ardency but I am too scared to read it because itnis eNDING so I will procrastinate it, but like, yes.
I have reasons to keep going, I have reasons to stay strong. I may not be feeling my best now and my problems may not be fixed overnight but I have no choice but to have faith in myself & people I love & things I believe in (now, “believe” sounds so non-scientific but that’s subject for another day), so, I’ll go on.
I usually don’t like opening up about suicide or depression since I just think that’s way too personal to talk about (I still havent declared why it happened and I dont think Iw anna talk about it anyway), but, in case someone with suicidal tendencies is reading this (first of all congrats for coming thru this essay idk what kept you here but you’re amazing), just, remember that a year ago I was at where you are and, well, THIS is my mindset now. I am not telling you to compare your journey with mine or anyone else’s. I am just proving you that a way out of that dark tunnel is perfectly possible for you and even if my current situation may not be ideal (to be honest, is there even an ideal life? Problems will always exist), I’m gratefulthat I have got enough reasons to fight for. Sure, my energy still drains sometimes (hence why regular text talk with Nila is difficult. No she doesnt have adhd or anything. She has a fairly good attention span. She just lacks the friggin energy), but I restore it before it gets out of hand. Stuff like that. It’s possible, not for just me, but for you and for everyone. I’m not a publicly-spoken-social-norm-warrior or anything but I will always stand up for anyone who is feeling suicidal tendencies because no—
As someone who went through that, just, no.
Don’t.
Let’s make 2020 better.
*and here my friends, you went through a good representation of what it is like to be in my brain changing 485858 subjects. Anyway NOW that I let ut out I need to do my assignment. I want to reply back to you insividually bevause texting you all makes me feel warm and happy and i also wanna check on you but i need ti restrore my enrgy (i actually tried texting whdn my mood was low and I think I frightened some people over sudden agression so I’d rather text you wisely than text you randomly), so, see you all soon!
I know it is not just me going through shit in her life. So, know that I’m cheering for you and I am always in for friends bringing best of each other, so if you really read this far go do the thing you procrastinate!! Bud!! Go do it!! It’ll feel better!
What a conclusion tho
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