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estrxlar · 3 years

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The Ghost Of You

07 - Our Realization

This chapters songs:

New person, same old mistakes: Tame Impala

National Anthem: Lana Del Rey

Blackout Days: Future Islands Remix

I think it might be hell; Clarence James

—

Y.L. Perspective-

Seriously, what was it with tight dresses? All they would do was squeeze the living hell out of you, making every single step you took complete torture. Sure, people looked hot in them, and I wouldn't blame anybody for wanting to show off their looks. But me— me?! No. Especially not to a high school third-year party, where all anybody wants is sex.

"Come on, don't make such a huge deal out of it. You look so beautiful it hurts me." Giki tugs on my arms, attempting to pull me out of the car while the other two band members leaned on it, beginning to grow impatient with my childish behavior.

What I wore consisted of a very light blue colored dress with small ripples down the entire thing that tugged at both my hips and chest and the sleeves were long and oversized to trick the eye. It was small and snug and made my entire body look better than I imagined. Yes, it was a gorgeous dress, but I hadn't ever planned on wearing it. The only reason I ever even bought it was because I loved the way it looked on me— meaning it was never intended for other people to see. Plus, this wasn't even that grand of a party. I mean— yes, there were at least three hundred people inside singing and dancing from what we could hear, and it was quite a humongous house, but still: I didn't get the point of dressing so club-ish.

To my friends' relief, I gain the courage to step out, trying to avoid the couple of people that were glancing over to the new arrivals: us. My hands attempt to pull down the dress, but it simply stays above mid-thigh.

"So, what's there to see here, hm? Are we greeting anybody here, or what?" Toruku questions, locking his car and twisting the watch on his wrist. We begin walking towards the grand house, meanwhile talking silently.

"Pretty much everybody is here, so you guys can just runoff. I'm gonna try and find Miya since she invited me and all."

It wouldn't be any trouble to try and find our friends, since we had quite a few. Being a popular band at your school had to give you a few favors. The only thing was that I was scared of being lonely at this party. I didn't know what would happen, who I would meet, or if I would make mistakes of some kind.

The four of us slide through the crowds outside while muffled music was heard. But the second that Toruku opened the door, so much was happening. Flashing blue and red lights would appear, coloring everybody and their sparkly wardrobe. Many were dancing and shouting at the loud music that blasted through the noise, though I didn't mind very much. The music was almost hypnotizing, and so was the faint smell of marijuana and alcohol.

From my side, Toruku made an expression of excitement. "There's fun stuff!" He yelled, sliding his hands together. "I'll see you guys later!" Is the last we hear of him for a while, before he makes his way between the crowds of teenagers. I nervously crossed my arms, doing the same as him, and starting my way around the house to explore.

Suddenly, a voice calls out to me, sending immediate chills down my spine. "Y/n!" Yelled Kiyoko, as her arms widened for a hug, while a drink in her hand bounced in the cup. "I didn't know you were coming! We could've matched or something!"

"There's no need, you already look so good tonight!" I spoke loudly over the music, looking up and down at Kiyoko. She wore a red spaghetti strap silk dress that fit perfectly on her, but what didn't? "God, you're such a goddess!"

"Don't even, Y/n. I've never seen you so hot-looking before," she laughed, putting a warm hand on my shoulder. "Don't mind me if I act a bit silly right now, I'm tipsy."

I nod. "How about lead me to the drinks so I can be too? I'm getting impatient," I say back, before being led to the kitchen. It's big and grand, just like the rest of the house. In there, there are about two or three jugs of whatever, and a stack of cups as well. People were seen talking and laughing near them.

Kiyoko and I fill two cups of beer— or what I assumed was— and gave them both a bump. "Cheers to our third year, right?" I say, as we down what we have in our cups. The amount of carbonation in the beer is surprising, making my nose scrunch up while it goes down my throat. "Jeez, what's in this, crack?"

"Probably," Kiyoko's obnoxious laugh releases, as she leans against me, giggling over my shoulder. I simply laugh back, baffled by drunk Kiyoko. "Hey, you know who's staring right at you?"

My veins practically freeze. Staring at me? At what?! "Who?!" I silently yell at her, quickly turning my head side to side to spot anybody.

"Koushi. And he's not taking his eyes off of you."

Not even a second after her seductive tone whispers into my ear, I spot the guy, with a drink in his hand and a couple of familiar volleyball players discussing with him. However, he didn't look too cheerful. Instead, he just looked me up and down, and right into my eyes, then taking a long chug of his beer.

I smirk back at Kiyoko, excited at the fact that he had spotted me so quickly. "Do you think he came with anybody? I wanna talk to him but if he's with someone then I'd rather not." I ask the girl, as she moved her feet to the beat of the song playing.

"Hm, I have no idea. Anyway, I gotta go. My date is waiting for me. Bye-bye, stay safe!" Her cheerful aura soon leaves the dim blue room, and I'm left alone in the kitchen, waiting on him to approach me.

The first few seconds I glanced at him, I only got a few of his stares. Each time I would attempt to look away, acting as if I wasn't beating myself up because he wouldn't talk to me. But once he tapped Daichi's shoulder, set the empty cup down, and mumbled something, I knew my wish came true; I wouldn't look like such a loner now.

His footsteps approaching me are the only thing I can make out from the music and nothing else, but that is until his voice catches my attention as if it weren't already all on him. "Hey, Y/n. I didn't know you'd show up today." He says, leaning his hips against the counter. "You look pretty."

"Thanks, you too!" I return the compliment, as the music gets louder. It's not until a few seconds after that I realize what I had just told Sugawara: that he looked pretty. I mean, it wasn't a total bad compliment for a boy. He did, in fact, look very good tonight. He wore a white t and grey button shirt over it, with dark baggy jeans and a few chains and rings, all topped off with his shaggy silver hair.

He smiles at me, reaching for one of the red cups that were stacked upon each other, and filled yet another cup up with beer. "You don't think you'll get a headache tomorrow morning?" I ask him, as his eyes turn to me while he drinks. It sure did seem as if he was using a hell of a lot of cups tonight.

"I think I'm fine. I know how to take my alcohol." He puts down the red cup that was now empty, ahead of tightening his jaw and giving me that same gloomy look he'd given me before. "You do too, don't you?"

'Yeah, I do.' I say internally, nodding. "You look upset. Are you okay?" My voice is shaky and loud, but not loud enough for him to hear, for his eyes rolled back and he leaned closer to my face. "You look a little down. Did something happen?"

He whispers into my ear, "I can't hear you right now. Let's go somewhere else." His hot skin rubs against my cheek, meanwhile, his nose tickles my ear. "Come with me." Sugawara gets a hold of one of my hands, and wraps his fingers in between mine, before leading me out of the kitchen and into a crowd of people, where I was lost in the whirl of shouting people. Every once in a while, he would turn his head, searching for any sign that I was uncomfortable. But I wasn't. Only curiosity was what I was feeling.

Soon after, he brought us two to the front of the house and opened the door. Outside was a few people smoking or trying to have a nice talk without the noise inside. But even if it was muffled, it was still really loud. Sugawara makes a turn towards two empty chairs in the front porch colored a nice light and dark grey with striped patterns. In front of it was a glass coffee table with a few empty and full cups of beer.

Suga set his cup beside the others, and sat on the far left chair, while I sat on the right, waiting for an explanation of why he had brought me out here. It wasn't as if I was angry, but simply wondering. "It's nicer out here. I saw you were pretty uncomfortable all alone, so I thought we could just stay out here for a little," he explained, while the dim porch light bulb hung above his head, making his platinum hair appear gleaming. He wasn't wrong, I was pretty stressed about being alone for measly ten seconds.

"Yeah, you guessed right." I fiddle with my fingers, taking in and off the ring wrapped around one of them. "I don't know why, but I'm just not feeling up for a party tonight. Usually, I'd be the one telling everybody to go so we could enjoy it. So much for wearing something I usually wouldn't, right? If I had known people were gonna start swimming I wouldn't have even come." I huff, leaning over onto my knees. Today was tiring, and being forced to a party wasn't what I expected.

As if he read my mind, he asks, "did something piss you off today? Was it your father? You didn't get to tell me how that went. I don't mean to be intruding on your life or anything, I just wanna know."

I sigh lazily, leaning over to prop my elbows onto my knees as I gazed towards the moon. It was nice today and covered in small clouds. "It's nothing, really. I just got into this argument— this fight with him. He tried taking me somewhere nostalgic and then tried putting on this entire 'good father persona, while I just sat there dreading every moment of it. You have no idea how much torture it was." At the simple description, I can already feel my eyes watering. God, how much would I cry today? How many times would it be until Suga would go at least one hang out without me breaking down in front of him?! "Anyway, I told him how I felt. And all he could say is 'sorry', after what I explained to him. How he didn't deserve to try and boss me around as if he were even there when I self-harmed. Instead, I had to go to some grey-haired boy in the corner of my math class, right?" I giggle, sniffing up any fluids that left my red nose. Thankfully, Sugawara understands and doesn't hold back a cute snort.

"I'm sorry. I know what it's like to have a bad relationship with a father, trust me. And you don't deserve that. From what I know, you're such a strong, beautiful, good person, and although you grew up without them, I think you did a great job finding yourself." Although my eyes are closed, I can still imagine the way he looked at me, and the sweet stare he gave. What I couldn't imagine was his hand pressed on my knee, with his thumb softly massaging it. "You're a great girl, you know. Don't let him ruin your confidence."

As expected, a cheeky smile on his pretty pale face is what I see when I open my eyes, as well as a few fewer students outside of the house. But now that we're mostly alone, I don't bother feeling as if I have to hide from anybody. "Thank you. It means so, so much." My voice wobbles in the cold air, meantime one of his thumbs made its way towards my cheek to wipe the large tears that bounced on my bottom lashes.

"It's no issue. I'm only telling you the truth," he speaks, pulling his hand back into his lap. Soon after, he sat back in his chair, looking up at the sky that painted many glittering stars, and a pale white moon. I do so too, letting every emotion leave my body with each breath. Talking with Sugawara was as if being in heaven, if only for a split second. I wished that it could last at least two, or three, or even an entire minute. "Y/n, do you... do you wanna leave?"

My eyebrows curl at his question. "What do you mean by that?"

Before being able to thoroughly ask him more questions, he quickly clears things up. "I mean I don't wanna be here anymore, and I know you don't either. As you said, 'I'm not in a party mood.' I brought my car, and I'm not drunk. Not tipsy either. Do you just wanna hang out somewhere else?" He looks down at his wrists again, picking at his cuticles while waiting for my response. For a second I think about why I came. It was only so that Miya would trust that Giki brought guests. I'm sure that now she had at least four hundred people in her house she wouldn't mind. And besides that, I didn't know where we would go, or if we would get in trouble.

But in his luck, he was right; I didn't wanna be here.

—

Sugawara and I both agreed I'd meet him at the front door after I said bye to Giki. He brought up a clever idea that I should probably tell at least one of my friends we were leaving, or else they'd grow defensive and act as if I were kidnapped. And so, I'm approved to leave and plan to waste no time getting out of this house.

That is until I encounter what feels like a ghost.

"Y/n," my name is heard from a mouth, sending me to glance to my right. Looking up, there stood Oikawa, someone so distant, yet so familiar. All I could do is stare back at him, blinking a few times to check that I wasn't hallucinating some figure. He was tall, and his build was skinny but muscular, just like when we were kids. Except now, he looked more of a man than a boy. He ran a hand in his brown hair, turning towards me completely instead of a sneaky side stare. I had begged the gods to keep him away from me, but here we were.

Toru had no business being at this party— a Karasuno party— so why was he? Is this to run into me? Or maybe Toruku? So many thoughts ran through my mind, yet all I could do is stand there, staring at him. "W-why are you here?" I hesitate to ask, followed by one of his awkward laughs.

He rubs the back of his head, saying, "I was invited? Why else? I thought I would see you here, but I didn't mind. But if you are, does that mean Toruku is too?" I didn't understand why he wanted to know about us, but I also didn't care. I didn't need to be so stressed about this tonight. "Wow— I can't believe it's you. I thought... I thought you—"

"What, killed myself?"

"N-no! No, of course not. I just thought you moved again. At least that's what you told everybody. Iwa and I had been trying to get a hold of you guys recently because it being our third year. We...we thought it was best to say bye properly, y'know?" Even though his voice is so low, I can still hear him over the blasting music and obnoxious talking. "Listen, I just. I just wanna see how you guys doing. I know you're in a band now. That's cool, right?"

I nod, with an expressionless face. Annoyed, I cross my arms and relax my posture. "Yeah, I guess. I heard you're at a preppy little school now. Isn't that fitting?" An unexpected attitude is heard in my tone, which soon made me feel a bit sorry. But what was I to say? He can't expect to get so close to me after three years. This conversation is useless. I need to go.

Oikawa takes notice of this and has no second thought of grabbing one of my hands, requesting for me to stay. "Please, I wanna talk more. I..I have so much to say. Can I at least have your number?"

I attempt to resist his grip on my fist, but he simply pulls back harder. He must really wanna talk. I say, "I have to go right now. We can talk some other time. Please, just let me go." All of a sudden, another arm is wrapped around my wrist, but not Toru's. Instead, it's Sugawara, giving him the most intimidating stare. Both setters stare at each other for long seconds, before Suga gently slid his hand from my wrist to my hip, as the warmth of his fingers makes my back curl.

"Is everything alright, babe?" He asked, looking down and smiling at me. Ahh, I get it. The old boyfriend-saving trick. He makes sure to give Oikawa a two-faced smile, letting him know he would be able to confront me no longer. Going along with his ploy, I lean on him, grabbing his arm in security. "I'm fine," I mumble, looking anywhere else but towards Oikawa. "Let's just go."

—

Closing the front door that I had walked into just about an hour ago, Sugawara let go of my hand, "Who was that? Why were they so demanding?" He asks, looking at me for a response. Although I try to act toned down, I can't help but feel overwhelmed by everything. But luckily, I'd just for tonight, I could escape from my problems.

"Just an old friend. Thank you, though. I didn't feel like talking with them."

Sugawara and I walk towards the end of the street, where he has said his car was. And once we'd reached it, he pulled open the door for me, and I sat in the passenger seat. It wasn't a big car, but it wasn't small either. Its paint consisted of a darker matte grey, and inside the seats were beige leather. He had two small cans of car freshener; one lavender, the other cherry almond. Hanging from the rearview mirror was a string attached to a small volleyball plush and a necklace. I wasn't sure what the necklace was about, but it wasn't any of my business. Overall, it was a nice car, which I could tell was kept clean.

"Sorry if it's messy, or weird looking. I just got it last year so I'm still kind of beginning to get used to it."

An entire year? Looking over at Suga I say, "if you don't mind me asking, why has it taken so long?" He swallows hard, tapping his fingers on the black leather that covered the steering wheel. "It was my moms. She gave it to me before she passed away." He says, stuttering. It seemed that Suga wasn't very comfortable talking about this subject. "A-And besides that, it took me a little to learn how to drive. I only ever take it when I don't have a ride somewhere. Other than that, it stays at home."

What he said had cleared up some things I was wondering about: why hadn't he taken it to school? But now that I was aware of the situation, I thought it's best to not ask. "Oh. Well, that's okay. There's no need to be ashamed or anything," I tell him, backing up my words with a sweet tone. "I don't take loss very well. Not any better than you did, at least."

"Ha! You have no idea." Surprisingly, a remark leaves his mouth, soon followed by an apology. "Sorry, that came out rude." His low voice cracks at the last word. I felt nothing but sorry for Suga at the moment. Whatever he didn't tell me about in the kitchen was itching his ear this entire time, and I wouldn't go on without knowing what it was.

He licks his soft lips and folds his hands within each other. I assumed it was about some girl, why wouldn't it be? Suga is truly a handsome young man— a man— not a boy. I wouldn't blame any other teenage girl to fall head over heels for him, but I wouldn't be okay with somebody causing him trouble. After what I've heard about Sugawara, he didn't deserve any more dreadful events to occur in his timeline. "What's up with you, Suga? You seem upset today. Well, not upset, more like down. But are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I just got in this fight with my dad today about volleyball. He makes it such a big deal, more than before my mom died. I think he just worries I'll end up throwing my life away. But after everything, it feels like that doesn't even matter," he explains, as the engine now roared, and I quickly strapped on my seat belt. "Anyway, where do you wanna go, hm?"

I look out the window, as we begin to pass the house that held so many. But soon we reach the end of the street, and almost all of the noise is gone. If only for a few hours, I can finally relax. "I dunno. I just wanna leave."

"Maybe you wanna get some clothing from your house? I can drive you there, and we can go somewhere else afterward," Sugawara mentions, shifting his vision towards me if only for a second. But I deny it. I wouldn't wanna be anywhere near home right now, or at least home is what they call it. For me, it's simply a hollow shell full of regret.

"No. I don't wanna go home." I turn my head towards Suga, whose eyebrows raised in surprise at my demand. "I don't even care if I'm uncomfortable. I just.. I just don't wanna go home."

"I don't either." He smiles meekly. "Look, I have a t-shirt in the back. But it's only a t-shirt, nothing more"

"That's okay. I snuck pajama shorts under my dress tonight," I giggle, lifting the blue skirt to reveal bright pink cotton shorts with cartoon monkeys and bananas covering them. "So, where to after?"

"I'm not sure. I think I'll just park at this old skatepark I know, and we can just stay there for a while until you decide we wanna go."

"Orr," I make a request. "We could stay there all night. I don't mind sleeping in the trunk or something, that's what makes it an adventure, right?"

Sugawara shrugs, as a smile appears on his face. Soon, we're out of the neighborhood, and out on the main road, where anywhere go is a mystery to me. "I.. I dunno. What if your parents get angry at me? What if you get in trouble?"

"I don't think they will, Suga. They don't care much." Quickly, I begin to unstrap my heels, placing them next to my feet, and take off my seat belt. To his surprise, I instantly climb towards the back seats of his car, getting low immediately after I succeeded. "You said the t-shirt was back here?" I ask him, glancing to the middle seat. Usually, if you pulled it down, there was a compartment that had a shortcut to the trunk. I put two fingers between the small loop the divided the seats and the storage, pulled it back, and pushed a small button that pulled back. Surely, my predictions were correct.

"Hey— be careful back there. I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself." Sugawara says, without any notion that I had done times many times before when I went out with the band. Carefully, I reach my hand into the dark space, feeling and touching on items that might feel like a t-shirt. The only thing that is in reach is a duffel bag, a volleyball, and a box until I catch hold of thick cloth.

Carefully pulling it out of the dark, I observe thoroughly, to discover it's a jacket of some sort. When I cautiously unfold it, I reveal a large hoodie, with big orange letters painted on the front, 'Karasuno.' "Oh, you can just wear that if you'd like. I don't mind, and besides, it's not dirty or anything." Suga turns briefly to glimpse at me who help the sweater, making sure to adjust his eyes back onto the road afterward.

"Haha, just don't look," I chuckle, bowing behind his seat for furthermore privacy, before carefully but hastily pulling the blue dress over my head. Finally, I'm released from its threshold. Then, I take the hood, and slide it over my torso, and pull it down. The size was just perfect for me to lounge in. Once I'm comfortable, I toss the dress into the front seat and make my way there too.

"Thanks, Suga. I didn't wanna be in that all night. Anyway, where are we going again? To a skate park? Great, do you have skateboards?" I asked, digging in my purse for some extra socks. Once I find some, I pull them over my feet, glad that the ache of the heels was almost over with.

"Uh, no. I don't know how to skate. But my friends usually come here a lot, and there's never any security, so if you'd like we can just stay here for a while until you wanna go home." He says, pulling into a small lot with a few small buildings around it. The further he drove went to show that it was a skate park. In fact, one of my favorites. When he finds a spot that isn't too obvious to the main street, he parks his car and rests both hands on his thighs. "It's nice out here, isn't it?"

I agree, nodding whilst staring at the lit-up park that contained many loops and poles for tricks. "Yeah. Listen, thank you for rescuing me from Miya's. I know you probably had better plans than to have to take me here." As the words leave my mouth, I realize how strange it was that we left and decided to hang out for a while. Although Sugawara was a friend, I still had much to learn about him, including his instincts.

"Uhm, Suga?" I utter, avoiding contact with him. But even so, I still sense his stare. After grabbing his attention, I ask, "I don't mean to sound like a loser, but why're you so accepting? Not that it's bad, it's that I haven't really met anyone other than my close friends that actually enjoy spending time with me. You're just.. very flexible. You make time for people, you're helpful, you're caring. I wanna know what makes you that way?"

The question stirs in Suga's mind, bringing about a long silence. For me, I always perceive people to be too careless and flamboyant. Yes, I try to look at both sides of the stories, but I always let people's opinions get to me. It's what makes me so insecure about letting people get to know who I really am. "After everything that happened, I decided that I wasn't who I wanted to be. I'm not saying I completely love who I am, but I try to be a better person. Especially to people that mean a lot to me."

"Oh, yeah. I get it." I say, leaning my head back in the seat. "After everything that happened at the beginning of high school, I decided it was best to pick myself up. I wasn't gonna achieve anything by sitting around and throwing my life away, right? I think I'm just confused because.. well... after being comfortable with who I am, I don't let people get to know me. I just feel like everybody is too judgmental, and I'm gonna seem like I'm still a burnout."

"I get it. But people do change, Y/n. People like us. I guess— time flies so fast. Everyone changes so quickly that in a blink of an eye, your entire perspective of something is completely altered, and everyone you know— or at least used to— they're on a completely different level than what you expected. It feels like you're realizing that it's not as simple as you thought. It's realizing that you'll be somewhere totally different than four years from now. You've gotta have that realization things are never gonna stay the same." As much as I wanted to deny it, Sugawara was right. Even if I'm somebody who's approved by everyone, I'm still my own person, whether they like it or not. How I develop has only to do with me, and no one else. "And besides, you're a very likable person, Y/n. I'm sure you don't have to worry about being enough for other people. You're more than enough."

I couldn't help but chuckle bashfully at his sentence. "Yeah, I bet you say that to all the girls you let in your car," I say jokingly, meeting eyes with Sugawara. But he isn't laughing very much, just lightly smiling, and shaking his head 'no'.

Suddenly, one of his hands meets with my cheek, brushing against the peach fuzz that stood upon it. I could do nothing more than stare at him, observing the way his chest rose so fast while doing so."Y/n," he mumbles, making my heart beat faster than light speed itself. His eyes did more than observe every inch of my expression but search for something other than panic. "I'd like for you to know that you're someone so incredibly valuable. You're beautiful and talented and sweet. God, you're so sweet. Don't let anybody tell you you're anything less, which includes yourself."

"Kou," I whimper to him, placing my hand on his, and feeling his thumb slide towards the corner of my lips while feeling him come closer towards me. Any longer I waited for him to touch mine would have resulted in a heart attack.

"What is it?" He whispers, oblivious to the action of parting my lips with his finger, feeling against their softness. What made it even more desirable was the way he stared at them, imitating the way they would move when kissing him. And I did so, impatiently waiting for him to touch them, I demand of him, "Koushi, kiss me already. Please, I want to. I.. I do."

Sugawara rapidly grabs my wrists to make sure I don't squirm and finally takes initiative to press my lips against his. At first, he feels them softly, but once I show the bit of resistance, he soon lets go of one wrist and grabs the back of my neck, bringing it closer to him than ever. Our mouths can barely get rest, inflicting a dangerous amount of sharp intake from our noses. Every second of being gripped in his hold felt so much more heated than I had expected. If I wasn't such a prude, I probably would have gone further as to let him kiss my neck.

The small groans that echoed throughout my throat made the both of us feel just as nervous as before, but still, it made the process of making out more enjoyable. Especially the heat of his mouth, along with the way his tongue grazed mine ever so gently. With the way that Sugawara had kissed me, I couldn't remember a time I had ever kissed someone so meaningfully as this. So passionate, and loving.

So damn long.

—

Hey guys, thank you for making it so far in the chapter. I know it was a long one. Pls remember to note and comment! Love you all <3

- estrxlar

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