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non-plutonian-druid · 2 years

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hello all i have an absolute monster of a meta essay for you that I like to call “The Umbrella Academy is so close to saying something about the concept of nuclear families and if the writers are doing it on purpose its going to be beautiful”. Its almost 2k words.

For the record, since i think its relevant and greatly informs my thoughts, i am a nonpartnering aromantic person and i strongly believe that the idea that a family is a pair of romantic partners and their children needs to go. Thats uh. Bigger than the scope of this essay. But it does inform a lot of my thoughts on this particular theme in the umbrella academy so there you go.

First, some semantics: technically the only family member to actually get to the point of “nuclear family” is Allison, who then divorces her romantic partner. Only her and, technically, Diego, have kids. Most of the others have love interests but because of the beauty of being different people with different life experiences, their particular romances often do not fall specifically into the the box “nuclear family”, though some could eventually given time (and some may not ever). That being said, associated with the term “nuclear family” is a pattern, historically, of children growing up and finding a romantic partner and moving out into a single-family home, where they have children raised only and specifically by them and their romantic partner, and they thus grow apart from their siblings and parents. This is a pattern that is held, at least in America, as The Best pattern, and anyone who does not achieve it is failing in some way. And that pattern, of leaving behind the family you grew up in to make a home and a family with a romantic parter? That’s everywhere in TUA. I would argue that the tension between the siblings’ urges to follow it, and between their urge to reconnect with each other, is one of the main themes and a main source of tension through all of the show.

Pre season 1, most of the Hargreeves build their own lives after escaping from Reginald, but only Allison creates her own family. Then, in season 1, a few relevant things happen

One, Allison is separated from her daughter, and desperately wants to return to her. Returning to her daughter inherently and repeatedly means separating herself from her siblings and returning to a family unit that does not involve them. I am not arguing that this is a bad thing, or that Allison should not be with her daughter; I am pointing out that the family Allison has with Claire is separate from the one she has with her siblings (There is one notable exception to this, based on my memory; Allison asks Luther to join her on her flight to LA in the Day That Wasn’t, after they rekindle their romantic relationship).

Two, Viktor begins a relationship with Leonard, who deliberately isolates him from them, which does fit the pattern but is kinda unfair to use to serve my point lol

Three, Klaus meets Dave. Klaus has the power to return to 2019 at any point he wants, and could even bring Dave if he so chose, but remains in the 60s away from the modern day and his family with Dave until Dave tragically dies.

and Four: the world threatens to end and the umbrella academy tries, badly, to fix it by coming together once again. Allison is constantly torn between wanting to help save the world and wanting to be with her daughter, Viktor is manipulated away from his family (not that the hargreeves probably needed the help lol), and Klaus breaks away entirely to spend months away from them with a man he falls in love with. Bad things? Not necessarily, apart from Viktor’s shitty boyfriend being abusive. But the beginning of a pattern.

Season 2. The Hargreeves have all had months or years in Dallas, and many of them are beginning new lives with new families.

Allison, once again, is married. Viktor has a blossoming relationship with a woman he loves and is devoted to taking care of her son, who he loves too. Diego has acquired a love interest as well (Lila my beloved), Klaus is trying to prevent his past-future boyfriend from enlisting, and Luther is trying to figure himself out. Obviously a major tension in this season is between Five trying to round up his siblings, and his siblings’ prioritizing their lives in Dallas, which they’ve built with hard work and are just getting used to. This does not involve a tension between a nuclear (or nuclear-ish) family and their siblings for all of them, but it does for Allison especially, and Viktor, and to an extent, Klaus. An important thing to note here is that the siblings are not averse to reuniting, as they often were in season 1. They have been worried about each other! They have been looking! and yet even once they reconnect their little lives stay separate. They talk about it, but do not invite their siblings into their lives. They meet love interests offhand, but do not integrate. All of them, even when trying to reconnect, still have two separate lives that they have to choose between.

Season 3. Oh boy.

perhaps not “oh boy” for the reasons that you think. The reason its “oh boy” is because there are three parts to how i will talk about s3: The romantic interests-slash-nuclearish families, the way the hargreeves talk about their own family, and The Ending.

First, Allison again. Allison begins the season once again wishing desperately to find Claire, and mourning leaving Ray behind. She leaves almost immediately, and gets to LA only to find that Claire does not exist. Getting to a world where Claire exists, or Ray exists, or both, becomes her motivation for the rest of the season, pitting her against multiple of her family members. Fair! She is more worried about the family she has lost than the family that is right in front of her and fine, which is perfectly reasonable. And obviously, she is considerably more invested in her toddler’s well being than her adult brothers’. What I point out is that once again, her family with her siblings and the families she’s made are separate entities from each other, and this fact is forcing her to choose between them.

Second, Luther. Luther’s relationship with Sloane begins similarly enough to previous ones in the show- Luther is making a choice between a romantic partnership and his siblings, it causes tension, the romantic partnership and his siblings form two different units and never the twain shall meet. But. Then Sloane gets folded into the Hargreeves siblings- or rather the Umbrellas, since she’s a Hargreeves too lol. Sloane is... not a character, no offense, but I’m presuming that she is supposed to be integrated with the Hargreeves since that is the impression of the writers intentions that I get and for the sake of being nice to them I will pretend that they succeeded. Interesting! A romantic partnership that is integrated into their family, and not existing as a separate one adjacent to the rest of them! That has never happened before. Even Allison and Luther’s romance is not Part of the family formed by the rest of the siblings; it is, narratively, treated as something separate

Three, Diego. And Lila. Once again, a change of pace. Lila comes here for Diego only at first, but quickly is embroiled in the Plot and the Family. Lila has always been more integrated with the family than other love interests, if only because she has much more plot relevance than most of them, but even then her primary real interactions have been with the Handler, outside of the family entirely; or Diego, with the occasional exception of trying to murder Five. This season she is fully and completely part of the family, and has one on one, meaningful interactions with not only Diego but Allison, Five, and Klaus as well.

Two love interests in one season that arent separate from the rest of the family, huh?

So what about the way the Hargreeves talk about their family this season?

Allison begins the season once again wishing desperately to find Claire, and leaves almost immediately. Viktor encourages her to leave, believing that Claire still exists and that finding her will help Allison. To do so, he encourages her to find her “real family”.

Later, Klaus goes on a roadtrip to find his biological mother. On the way, he commiserates with Five about their lives, and they both wonder if what they have could even be called a family.

Contrasting, there are multiple scenes on multiple occasions in season 3 alone where Allison, Five, Luther-- all of them-- declare their love for each other. They’re a family. No matter what.

Hm.

Now The Ending.

The Ending is one of the saddest parts of the show to me, and makes me desperately hope that The Umbrella Academy gets a season 4, because The Ending leaves the siblings utterly divided.

Luther is searching for Sloane.

Diego and LIla are presumably going to build a life together with their future child.

Allison is all the way in LA, living an idyllic dream where both Ray and Claire are alive and returned to her.

Even the remaining siblings, who do not have lives laid out for them, have walked away from one another to return to normal, nonpowered lives. If the story ends here, in the tension between the family you grow up with and the family you build with a partner, the siblings have prioritized their own lives, and the family they’ve spent three seasons trying to reconstruct falls apart under the weight of.... living a normal life.

What I want from the Umbrella Academy, what I hope we get if there is ever a fourth season, is the Hargreeves figuring out what family works for them. They have constantly been pulled between their siblings and their own lives, and have almost never allowed the two to mix. I find the story of the nuclear family, where all people are expected to find a partner and have children and for that and only that to make a normal life, to be depressing and isolating. I desparately want the Hargreeves, who have been trying so hard to reconnect, to find a better story for themselves. Every season so far has been building a stage for this storyline. Season 3 is literally ending with many of the Hargreeves getting idyllic little family units while walking away from each other, and if that doesn’t spell “we’re going to be Dealing With That” then I don’t know what does. They really could be telling a story that says “Leaving the family you grew up in behind doesn’t have to be the only answer”. It could be so good. But do i trust the writers to realize what they’re doing, or is their writing just littered with unexamined assumptions about how families are structured? I just don’t know.

#tua #the umbrella academy #luther hargreeves #diego hargreeves #allison hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #five hargreeves #viktor hargreeves #i mention ben exactly zero times so he doesnt get tagged but hes here in spirit #ha #lila pitts #i dont think anything after the first five tags shows up in the main tags but whatever #writing this made my brain melt out of my ears and then i had to edit it? gross #i didnt have to edit it but i did want it to be like. readable and not complete nonsense #i could do an epilogue about five who also kind of has a little family off with delores #that is simultaneously necessary for his sanity and also always always second to his siblings #but i didnt really have anything to say about it other then 'thats a thing that happens!' so i didnt include it #not that this whole thing is THAT much more than 'thats a thing that happens!' but #anyway when talking about all this 'the little families they build with a romantic partner' and #'their lives they build away from their siblings that may or may not include a romantic partner'#are easy to get tangled up and i think i fell into that a few times #but im specifically trying to get at the common narrative of leaving beihind your old family to make a new one with a romantic partner #and how that doesnt need to be the only narrative to exist #you dont need to leave your siblings behind to build a family #the two do not need to be separate #they can be if that is what is good for your life #but they do not have to be #tua s3 spoilers #s3 spoilers #tua spoilers

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roturo · 1 year

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Eve, Psyche & The Bluebeard’s wife

“I wish for what’s forbidden

Get it like boom-boom-boom.”

WARNINGS: SMUT. (NO PIV) : MASTERLIST.

Gojo Satoru x AFAB!Reader

English it’s not my first language so i’m sorry if I have some grammatical errors. This is my first jjk fic, and I always wanted to make one! Basically my content is based from songs, the song title will always be the title for the Oneshot/fic/etc. I haven’t wrote in a “long” time, so it’s not one of my best works. But I still hope you enjoy it!. 🩵 Might do a pt2

Since you were a little kid, your parents always teached you about the jujutsu world. The curses, and of course, the strongest clans. They mentioned a lot the Gojo clan, which always intrigued you.

Gojo Satoru. The celebrated and strongest sorcerer. Millions of money, every girl he wants, and gets everything he wants. Was he really all that?

You were always taught to respect your seniors, give them the smile of a doll, listen to them with a kind face, and eat up the shit they say to you.

“Oh Ms.(L/N) you’re one of the strongest female sorcerers, have you ever thought of forming a family with another strong sorcerer like you? I can help you with that”

“You’re already getting old, how do you pretend keeping the strong blood going?”

“It’s clearly you need to train more, you’re getting out of form. How boys will like you if look like that?”

You keep covering and covering everything like emotions. You hate it, you’re not a doll. What if you never wanted to have kids? Or even a partner?

Now you’re 19 years old. Almost 20. Living alone, and you started assisting to Jujutsu school. You’ve been always training with your dad, but as time passes and you get stronger, your dad can’t keep up with you.

First day of school. Feels weird, since this isn’t a normal school, neither a place you’re going to learn normal things.

You started walking towards the big white building until you noticed some people training, a pink haired boy excitedly looked at you and started waving at you, next to him was a tall black haired looking pineapple frods hair, a… panda?… and a greenish colored hair girl. At least they looked nice?…

You were wrong.

Well, not totally, Yuji and panda were nice, full of energy, but still.. nice.

The others… Well.

They weren’t mean, but not as friendly as the other two.

But anyways, they were waiting for the sensei. Talking about how handsome he is, how you shouldn’t fall for him since he’s a what they call “rolling stone” (for going from women to women) basically a womanizer.

… What a dick.

But still, apparently he’s really strong, and a good friendly sensei.

But you never thought your sensei was the forbidden man.

Your heart was beating, but don’t get it wrong, it wasn’t in a romantic way, more of a “is this really the Gojo Satoru?”

The strongest man on earth.

Wow.

They were right.

He’s indeed handsome.

“Ms.(Y/N L/N)! Glad to see you here! Your dad told me a lot of you.” He said, with a stupid smirk of clearly what they called: a rolling stone.

You really didn’t understand how both of your families got along, but never in your life till now you met with Gojo Satoru.

“Hello sensei Gojo. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” You said with a doll smile, like they taught you.

“Great! I guess you already introduced to everyone here, what about warming up to see what you got?”

You did as he said. Your curse was mind controlling. You didn’t like it, you didn’t used it for your favor neither for curses, it only brought bad things to you. Like your mom forgetting you, losing your first boyfriend..

It really was a strong but delicate curse.

You started fighting with Maki, a easy fight even if you were still rusty. Great warm up.

Next was Panda, heavy when trying to get him of you but still. Nothing too special.

Last one was Megumi, you were out of breath, some bruises here and there and you were pretty sure your head was bleeding but hey! You were fighting with no use of your cursed energy! You had to use it somehow now.

So, it was easy, just in time of 2 seconds, you quickly got into Megumi’s head to use his own shikigamis against himself and quickly end the fight with some damage here and there but nothing serious. Hopefully no one noticed what you did.

But for what you can tell, everyone was astonished. You overcome all of them.

You were in fact, one of the strongest, so, what else but to prove it with fighting Gojo Satoru?

The kids were trying to get you in a battle with Gojo, someway they had to see you beaten.

He let out a small laugh, knowing the outcome of this battle, then he got in position

“Let’s see what you got doll.”

Asshole.

Okay, you were definitely beat up. He really was all that. You tried everything in you but couldn’t even land one punch. You really started to hate this man.

So you began focusing you energy and unleash some power out of it. You’re not pretending to die today. And less to this man. So while he was being the asshole he was and showing off his power and how beaten up you were thanks to him, you slowly worked your way into Gojo’s mind, slowly taking control of his thoughts and actions.

The usually unmovable Gojo Satoru seemed to be lost in your mind control. He was now in the same place but nowhere around him but you.

“Where am I?” He said, you felt his body tense up so, still controlling him, you tried to relax him a little bit.

“Don’t worry sensei, this is just for time, you were almost killing me in there you know?” You giggled, getting closer to him.

Gojo couldn’t believe this, your father had told him about you having a strong curse but he never thought it would be this strong for you to control him.

He was trying to get back control, and you sensed that, so you had no other way of beating this rolling stone, but to play his own game.

You started waking closer to him, you hear his heart beating like boom boom, but you didn’t expected him trying to fight with you in his own mind. You felt a punch in your left side of your face, then a heavy body knocking you down into the floor.

“Stop this now.” His voice changed. The flirty tone changed into a darker one.

You’re not letting him win this game.

So you moved your bodies in a way you’re now on top of him, but you felt a punch of energy hitting you in your chest. You really have to be faster.

Never in your life you thought you were going to be on top of Gojo Satoru straddling him to get you stopped from being beat up. It was getting hotter for him, something so unexpectedly for him. He never thought this is how someone will get into him.

Gojo still in shock you started moving your hips back and forth letting a small sight. He parted his lips making eye contact with you. You had to focus or you would stop having control over his mind.

You breathed in, “Kiss me.” He looked at you and agreed almost immediately.

He barely even knew you, he only noticed you thanks to your dad, you were a pretty girl, and had a nice body too, but why is he falling so quickly for this girl? Never in his 28 years of being in this earth he never imagined he would be letting his guard down just for a lay with a girl. When he’s supposed to make the girls let their guard down so they could have sex with HIM.

Why were you so special? Why is his body feeling so hot right now?

He leaned back from the kiss amusingly and watched you frown. You were obviously dissatisfied. “More,” you sighed and pulled him by his neck.

You crashed your lips onto his and moaned while doing so. He put both of his hands on your hips and rubbed circles on them while dominating the heated kiss for a while. You pushed him, now being able to straddle his hardening bulge as you tried not to break the kiss. You held onto his shoulders and ground faster, your hips moving sensually against his. He was grinding with you at the same pace, lips still on yours as he let out low groans of satisfaction.

His right hand slowly went underneath your skirt to rub your inner thigh. You moaned and wiggled a bit, trying to get his hand off your damp panties, but he put his hand back to your side again. This was not part of the plan. Focus. You silently cursed and glared at him before he parted his lips to say something. He was still looking at your body.

“I think i’m about to cum” This was the first time he’s coming before the girl he’s fucking. What were you? What are you doing to him?

You kept grinding into his now hard dick, getting your hands inside his shirt and started playing with his nipples making him let out a small whine from the unexpected action. You kissed his jaw, everytime lowering more the kissed until you had to get his shirt off. to start sucking his nipples making him moan while still straddling him.

You had to focus. So when you felt him having some shock waves from the pleasure you stopped, leaving him hard and confused when you got into real life again. This was your time, you caught him out of guard without his infinity and punched him hard on the face making him fall down.

But when you got on top of him to give him a last punch you never expected him to push you back with a strong wave of energy, making you fall and hit yourself with a tree.

Everything started fading away, making you dizzy, the last thing you saw, was a white haired man looking at you without his blindfold with a impressed but still dark face inspecting you.

“You’re definitely a mess.” That’s the last thing you heard before everything turned black.

What was he looking for? If you want now we fall...

Hope you enjoyed my first jjk fic! I might do a pt2 if this gets support! Remember to give a heart ♡

#gojo x y/n #gojo smut #gojo satoru smut #gojo satoru #gojo satoru x reader #gojou satoru x you #jujutsu gojo #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen x you #Spotify

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shopcat · 1 year

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i do believe that sta/ncy suffers from a huge case of two people just standing next to each other like i genuenly can't remember a single memorable conversation they've had besides that insane love confession in the woods

literally i just cannot understand the appeal and can't even describe how ... BASIC i find it like i've loved some random little m/f couples sure objectively but those two don't even come CLOSE i just literally don't get it 😭😭. even typing that sentence out made me feel insane bc imagining them together in any context gives me secondhand... terror. like shipping a ruler with a pencil sharpener like what's going on. stop that. secondhand NIGHTMARE what the hell are people going hard for here. like beyond that they were presented literally to Be broken up he was Already the boyfriend. and i guess maybe if we'd seen them ... in literally any way at all actually get together to get some background some context some stakes in it all initially i would potentially understand but we DIDN'T because s2 st4ncy were literally just the backstory for j4ncy to form at least at this point 😭

like they were a high school couple that dated for like what a YEAR they are not love's greatest trial the 5 seasons of this show aren't Steve And Nancy's Road To Ending Up Together it's literally ridonkulous i don't even find it TRAGIC and dramatic the way some people do i just find it boring... anyone who likes them together is like the type of person who would have a galaxy print t-shirt. i don't find the embarrassingly stretched out love triangle back and forth cute or a tragedy or the height of romance i don't find steve being hung up on her anything other than kind of depressing but also understandable and at (most) times character assasinating which also goes for nancy as WELL like oh my god. anyone who genuinely thinks if they like for some reason end up together in season 5 a WIN for either of them well.. i worry for their mind and soul not even fucking around. it's not even like potentially funny in the divorced teenagers way it's just like okay. they dated she cheated on him they broke up he said he got over her and realised valueing building friendships and solid relationships beyond potential romantic trysts is far more worthwhile she found a new partner who she is... still dating... then for no reason at all beyond Because the world is ending they actively regressed before our very eyes whilst literally talking about crawling backwards they Crawled Backwards. then he said "i want a big family and a normal life" and she said "that sounds nice" <- has been fighting for the past 2 years against being pigeonholed into a suburbanite housewife nightmare.

i dunno i think i'm like 2 seconds from getting incredibly heated about it if i think about it more it just drives me crazy ESPECIALLY when people act like this is all intentional and well thought out and not just accident after fumble after mischaracerised nosedive even though i personally do enjoy taking these scenes and interpreting them in a way that doesn't reduce nancy to "strong independent woman!!!! but her storyline will always inevitably fall back to Her Relationship With Thing One Or Thing Two" and steve to like. that he was never intended to be anything more than "nancys jerky boyfriend" despite them literally trying to flesh his character out more they chain him down at the same time he is the stagnating pillar in their rotted storyline and the only way for it to HAVE a nice conclusion would them being FARRRRR away from one another maybe after some actual closure. and i don't find it compelling i don't find Those stakes to be interesting or satisfying let alone even ?! HEALTHY. anyway...

#asks #i'm doing that thing where i feel like i can't explain what i'm really thinking UGH it's so weird...#i hate them beyond the reasons to hate them anyway like i just find it stupid and idr think there even needs to be a reason #if i think about how people just see steve as her ex who stuck around and nothing more including the writers themselves i think i'll kms #sts

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phoneybeatlemania · 2 years

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Do u ever of think about Paul obsession with John? My view on Paul always intense compare to John. By intense i mean by his love towards John maybe slightly more than just friend. Get Back really shows his jealousy to Yoko, he hate Yoko in studio, he hate Yoko seat near to John, he hate Yoko influence on John. This just show how much possessed the man had towards his friend. He’s acting weird play passive aggressive towards John, building fences around him so his partner cant reach him just because how John hurt him by replacing him with Yoko. As for me i think theirs relationship is more than friends because the way Paul describe them as play hard to get in beginning doesn’t fit if they just normal friends. Always something intense between them. I just want your opinion on Paul that’s all, because u already talk about John to some extend i need more on Paul’s part. Anyway thank you.

I think definitely Pauls feelings towards John, and their relationship as a whole, clearly went beyond just being friends. Friends just seems too lacklustre a term to describe them as, and I agree that theres an intensity towards one-another that existed on both their behalf’s. What I struggle with is what I can define them as beyond that though, because theres just so many facets to their relationship, that I would find it impossible to elect one term (i.e familial, romantic, platonic) to summarise it in. To me, the best term for John and Pauls is kindred, because I find it a good way of concisely summarising their deep-connection, but also vague enough to leave room for exploration of other facets within that bond.

I don’t quite see how Paul playing ‘hard to get’ in the beginning (Im assuming you mean from Woolton Fete, 1957) immediately means their relationship went beyond friendship. I was actually just talking with someone about this yesterday [you know who you are ;)], but I don’t understand why the intensity they did feel towards one-another necessarily has to have begun from the moment they met. It just feels a bit too cinematic to me I guess, and I just don’t think thats generally how people work in real life. Paul might have been playing ‘hard to get’ in the beginning, but I feel like sometimes you just Do That if you think somebody’s cooler than you? I mean, Ive done that myself with people—Im aware its dumb—but it doesn’t mean I instantly felt an unbreakable bond or attachment to that individual: in all honesty, it probably just means I thought they were cool and I wanted them to like me. It’s not that Im outright denying they felt some kind of connection from the beginning, because they might have done! But what Im trying to get at is more that using strange little mind-games when we first get to know a person (i.e acting “cool”, playing hard to get) isn’t really an out there thing; its something Im sure everyone has done at one point or another. So that was just a quick note on that, since I just wanted to get that off my chest. As I said before, I agree John and Pauls bond was deeper than mere friendship, but I just don’t see why it had to have begun From The Moment They Met; bonding with another person takes time.

On the part of Paul’s jealousy/dislike/hate towards Yoko (as you described it), while I agree that these were elements of his feelings towards her within his relationship with John, I think theres perhaps a few things you’re not accounting for.

Firstly, that John wanted Paul to feel this way. I think John was purposely trying to evoke this sort of a reaction from Paul, employing use of triangulation in some vein in order to spark a kind of jealous/hurt response from him [will refrain from elaborating here because anon only wants my take on Paul lol; but please note that Im not trying to vilify John here]. I understand your argument as well in saying “he hated Yoko’s influence on John”, but in a lot of ways I think that was a rational response from Paul. To Paul it would have seemed that, starting from around the time John got with Yoko, he’d been being pushed further away and John had progressively become more and more withdrawn, argumentative and difficult to communicate with. For whatever reason one might ascribe, Johns personality and sense of self had changed since getting with Yoko, and it wasn’t only Paul who was confused and aggrieved about that [see: the argument between John and George in this quote]. Plus there was Johns heroin addiction, which practically went hand-in-hand with his relationship with Yoko. Taking these things into account, I can understand from Pauls perspective why he would be resentful of Yoko’s influence on John.

On another note though, its been awhile since I last saw Get Back, but during my watch of it I didn’t actually get the sense Paul was bitter/jealous of Yoko irrespective of whether she was having a good or bad influence on John. To me, it doesn’t seem Yoko was inherently problematic for Paul, in that I don’t think Paul would have necessarily taken issue with John getting remarried to someone else. It’s more that Yoko, in her own right, offered a threat to Pauls relationship with John (again, going back to that point about Johns self changing since beginning his relationship with her) and so I feel that Yoko’s individual actions and intents were his real qualm with her, rather then broad idea of John having a wife/girlfriend. I also don’t feel like Paul was outwardly mean or vitriolic towards Yoko in Get Back—but it’s been awhile since I watched it so maybe I missed something?—but instead I actually got the impression that he was making efforts to get along with her, and to make her feel welcomed during the sessions, i.e during this (very) awkward (but very funny) encounter. Its not that I don’t think Paul was annoyed about her being there during song-writing sessions, because Im sure he was, but Its that I still the impression that he was making an effort to at least try and get along with her; almost like he’s working with what he’s got.

Secondly, I want to touch upon the point of Paul experiencing feelings of “possession” towards John. I agree that there was a facet of possession Paul felt towards John, but that feeling comes in many forms. i.e in a purer form you could point to a parent feeling possession of their child; in a darker vein you could point a jealous partner. When we truly care about a person, we want to protect them, and in part this leads to feelings of possession. I think Paul is just the type of person whose protective of the people he cares about, and its been quite well documented that he felt both this protective and sympathetic instinct especially towards John—see for instance:

John was going through a lot of pain when he said a lot of that stuff, and he felt that we were being vindictive towards him and Yoko. […] But we were actually quite supportive. Not supportive enough, you know; it would have been nice to have been really supportive because then we could look back and say, Weren’t we really terrific? But looking back on it, I think we were OK. We were never really that mean to them, but I think a lot of the time John suspected meanness where it wasn’t really there. — Paul McCartney in interview w/ Chris Salewicz, 1986 (x)

McCartney is quoted as telling Billboard: “[John] didn’t say, ‘I’m now fat and I’m feeling miserable.’ He said, ‘When I was younger, so much younger than today.’ In other words, he blustered his way through. We all felt the same way.”

“Looking back on it, John was always looking for help. He had [a paranoia] that people died when he was around. His father left home when John was three, the uncle he lived with died in later, then his mother died. I think John’s whole life was a cry for help.” — Paul McCartney in interview with Billboard (x)

I always find myself wanting to excuse John’s behaviour, just because I loved him. It’s like a child, sure he’s a naughty child, but don’t you call my child naughty. Even if it’s me he’s shitting on, don’t you call him naughty. That’s how I felt about this and I still do. I don’t have any grudge whatsoever against John. I think he was a sod to hurt me. I think he knew exactly what he was doing and because we had been so intimate he knew what would hurt me and he used it to great effect. — Paul McCartney in Many Years From Now, Barry Miles, 1997 (x)

“I’m kind of expected to say, ‘[John] was a saint, he was always a saint, I remember him as a saint’, but it would be a lie. He was one great guy and part of his greatness was that he wasn’t a saint. He was a great guy but he was pretty sacrilegious. He was pretty up front about it. But it was half the fun.” — Paul McCartney, Dec. 10 1980, The Dream Is Over: Off The Record 2 by Keith Badman (x)

The impression I think you, anon, get from Pauls sense of possession of John is that it was one largely based in jealousy and irrationality; that Yoko had no right to infringe upon his relationship with John, in Pauls mind. [correct me if Im wrong about you anon]. But to me, it just seems more like a sense of possession driven in part by him valuing his relationship with John, and in part by a protective instinct he felt towards him. And both these things Im sure did involve degrees of jealousy, envy, bitterness etc. because Pauls only human after all, and as much susceptible to these feelings as anyone else. But overall, my impression here—based upon the things Paul has stated in interviews himself—is that there was good-intent underpinning this “possession” of sorts, at its very core.

Third and finally, I wouldn’t even say Paul was necessarily ‘building fences’ between himself and John as a conscious thing during the early recording sessions of 1969. I think he genuinely wanted to re-establish both the connection and affection that had existed between them not long before. But in terms of why he might have responded to John with passive-aggression or spite, I think you have to consider that, similar to my first point, John was trying to cause these types of responses from Paul. I cant really see Paul acting in such a manner unprovoked, and thus I think the influence John would have had on Pauls behaviour has to be taken into account.

Anyway though, thats some of my feelings on Paul [yes Im John-girl, but Im a Paul-apologist too 😩]. Let me know if you have any further thoughts or disagreements anon!

#omg okay this got too long lol. I like to ramble SORRY #anyway intrigued about how people are going to respond? since I think ive said a lot of this a lot of people will disagree with lol #asks #john and paul #john lennon #paul mccartney #anon #quotes #sources #beatles #beatles psychology #johns psyche #pauls psyche

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wanderingwomanwondering · 2 years

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Buddie 518 - General Thoughts

I enjoyed 518! There was less Buddie than I’d hoped but I always want more Buddie. Always. So…anyway. Still, there were clear moments laid down as additional building blocks for the evolution of their *romantic* relationship in s6.

Of course the wall repair scene was fan-freakin-tastic. Buck was in the room again helping Eddie to make repairs but that scene was also about Buck acknowledging that he needs to fix some things in his life too. I liked the way that his conversation with Eddie had multiple layers of meaning.

It was Eddie acknowledging that Buck’s endless desire to fix things had helped Eddie himself, hence Buck’s adorable Eddie-only smile.

It was also Buck being a little behind Eddie in making repairs. It was symbolic of him feeling like he couldn’t help Cap and of him avoiding Taylor.

It was Eddie dispensing sage advice and laying down wisdom left and right. It was hilarious and awesome because he like JUST got his shit together but he was talking like he had been healed and recovered and in deep spiritual reflection since the dawn of time. Like. The way he interjected with “fix it?” and laughed sweetly at Buck was so damn precious I almost expired. It was a beautiful way to show how far Eddie has come on his journey. Glorious.

The firetruck scene with Ravi talking about what’s important in a partner was just the writers being Absolute Monarchs because of the callback to the solemn vow that Buck and Eddie made to one another (to have each other’s back) in 201 when they decided to be partners husbands and best friends.

The balcony scene with Maddie was also solid gold. Buck described what love looks like in times of challenge and adversity and realized that he DID NOT have that with Taylor. He also had the audacity to say those sweet and true things about real love while wearing the outer shirt/jacket that he wore during Eddie’s 513 breakdown. How dare he make me feel all my damn feelings!

Of course the inevitable breakup happened and it was GLORIOUS. I deeply appreciated the “clean slate? yeah. just not together.” of it all. He just looked SO DONE with Taylor’s selfish shenanigans and for a guy who’s pretty oblivious to his own worth, that was a huge growth moment for him. So proud. Also, friggin’ finally bro! Damn!

It was also not lost on me that the Bathena honeymoon plan happened during the Henren vow renewal. The Madney reconnection was overlaid with the ceremony. Buck happily reclaiming his key and letting Taylor go was overlaid too and so was Eddie talking to Chris about scary things and therapy. It seemed SO SIGNIFICANT that Chris said that talking about scary things in therapy can make them less scary. My favorite little man said that to Eddie and it was overlaid with the queer vow renewal! I’m thinking thoughts, yall! s6 Eddie has some queerness to explore in his upcoming therapy sessions and beyond, and I will be here for it!

I’m glad that s5 ended with everyone mostly okay and ready to move to the next chapter of their lives. Buck will figure out his worth and what he wants in his love life. Eddie will bring some deep feelings to the surface and let them himself be happy. Yes!!! Buddie and the Buckley-Diaz family will be moving forward together and I can’t wait.

#buddie #911 meta #911 5x18 #911 fox

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avaritia-ffxiv · 1 year

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I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?) Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about their partner? Do they remember every little detail they mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?) X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Not fast. Very slowly. Give him several years and he might. I did some semi-incoherent rambling about it here (nine months ago apparently? Gosh time flies), with the gist being that Sidurgu most likely said it first because Saahe just didn’t. He doesn’t take these things lightly, period, so like I said in those messages, he’d need to be fully certain of his own feelings and intentions before he confirmed them out loud.

So it’d probably just take the push of the other person saying it first to force him to decide in the moment if he’s going to reciprocate or try to slow things down. A partner that ever tried to move too fast just wouldn’t work for him because he won’t rush these things, but Sidurgu takes it slow too so they work for each other.

I’m still figuring out the timeline of all this, by taking notes while playing Runa through the MSQ and DRK quests to see how they correspond and what happens when, so I couldn’t give exact dates and times but yeah it was. Years.

He will also say it in a familial way, though; he doesn’t reserve it for just romantic feelings, but as he has no blood family and instead builds all of his familial relationships from the ground up as well, it takes him about as long to say it there.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about their partner? Do they remember every little detail they mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

He remembers, because to him, if he wouldn’t remember, that’d mean he didn’t care. He doesn’t remember every last thing, his memory isn’t good enough for perfection and sometimes he’s a little distracted and doesn’t pay full attention, but a very good deal anyway.

But yeah, most things he’ll make a note of, so over time he’ll know many random things about his partner, and can also address a lot of things seemingly out of the blue because he remembered it was mentioned once somewhere.

On the flip side, if his partner didn’t remember any random tidbits about him in return, he’d get offended because he would take that as a sign that they don’t actually care. He doesn’t keep track of what you do and don’t remember or intentionally sow things that you need to specifically remember, but he does notice if no signs are ever displayed about remembering any little things.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Head bumps are their version of showing affection in lieu of kissing because Saahe’s horns make a lot of things kinda hazardous, if not entirely impossible. They never have had a first kiss, but I’d fully argue that the first time they pressed their foreheads together was just as intimate and took just as much building up to (keeping in mind the guys function on an eternal slowburn. We talking about years again).

I don’t know if this means Sidurgu has never kissed anyone (in the romantic manner), but it sure does mean Saahe has never kissed anyone ‘cause his horns had already grown into place by the time he was old enough to start gaining interest in these things. He gave smooches as a child, though, before his horns got as big.

However, as Sidurgu’s horns don’t cause limitations like these, he has kissed the top of Saahe’s head and stuff like that, which absolute melts Saahe.

#morganaux #asks #headcanons #thank you for the ask <3

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randomlyritchie · 2 months

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Sooooooo…this is why it’s important to read the Bible for yourself. Because all I have ever heard about Solomon is that he was so wise & this made me pray for wisdom. Imagine my surprise when a few weeks ago I flipped in my Bible to see that this was coming. AFTER GOD GAVE HIM ALL THAT HE GAVE HIM, HE TURNED ON HIM OVER A BUNCH OF WOMEN!!!!!!! I often struggle with feeling like God rewards the foolish. This is not to say that I’m so perfect because I’m not. But I was raised to believe that I would be so blessed if I was a good little girl. I am blessed…but I don’t have these kinds of riches. And he was old doing this. If you go on to read you will see that HE BUILT IDOLS OF OTHER GODS FOR THESE WOMEN!!! AND WHY DID HE NEED THIS MANY WOMEN AND CONCUBINES??? CONCUBINES???

So, yeah, Solomon built all of that stuff for God & then turned around & built false gods. It’s very disappointing & disheartening. I think we all should continue to pray for wisdom but perhaps continued wisdom AND APPLICATION needs to be the goal. What is it to know things but not apply them. But I’m so blown that this man really built these false idols. I’m so disappointed! Like, please never talk to me about Solomon again. ✌🏾 Read your Bible, kids. The church just grazes over stuff sometimes. I also just want to say that there are people who hold positions in ministry that don’t necessarily endorse reading your Bible heavily. When I talk about my infamous darkest time in my life, I told people that I was going to read the Bible to try to heal myself. They acted like this was not necessary. And it wasn’t like a thing of maybe I should take more measures…like medication. It was like I didn’t need to be reading my Bible that much.

To this day, I will tell anyone that the Bible got me through that time. I also did take medication for a while. However, it was the Word that did it. I will never speak against going to church, but I will always say you need more than that. And this is only for those who want to be Christians. If not, I’m not preaching to you. I grew up & consider myself to be religious, so I speak the language. However, I also know how to just be a human friend without bringing my beliefs into it. And all of my beliefs are not every Christian’s beliefs. I will be the first to say I don’t understand why certain things are in the Bible & it’s hard for me to reconcile it. But my relationship with God is not even based off of the church. It’s way more personal than that. I read the Bible because it helps me…but I have trouble with some of it. I feel like I always have to say this. I can’t please everyone…but I never want to hurt anyone either. And I’m being so honest. I kind of just block certain things out when it comes to religion because I don’t understand it. Yes, the Bible is the Bible…but I didn’t write it.

Anyway, this post is all over the place. 😂😂😂 If you are still here, I just want to say to watch who you tie yourself to. This is not just in the way of romantic dealings. It’s family, friends, business partners, & just anyone. Sometimes God takes us away from people because He knows they are going to get us off track. This can be VERY painful because it can hit home in a real way. Sometimes the closest people to you will mess you up. Some of them are not following God the same as you. Some appear to have it all together, but their hearts are not completely with God. David was a man after God’s own heart. If you compare David to Solomon, they were different. David did sin against God…but His heart was with Him. Apparently, Solomon’s heart wasn’t in the same place. It’s so hard to process because Solomon did all of that building for God. It just goes to show that you can’t judge a book by its cover. If God pulls you away from something, try not to go back to it. I’m talking to myself because I dealt with that this week. “No contact” is not just for romance. It’s for anything that you know is not good for you.

Sooo, these are just a bunch of thoughts after my fasting time. Sorry if it’s chaotic…but this what it’s like to have a conversation with me… at times.😂😂😂 Happy Sunday! I love you all! 🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾

Also… I still fast every week, I just don’t always post about it. :)

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itsmerachael5 · 3 months

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thinking about toxin. more so with her whole "family timeline"

i mean.. if i really think about it.. when chaos agent (then issac) and toxin had met -- not going by the dumb retcon after chapter 2 s3, they were lab partners. working in a lab with many people, eventually they fell in love and had chic; rather quick, but in terms of Issac's character this makes sense to me. when he finds someone he likes he's very quick to show this and favor them.

but anyways.. after the whole event that created chaos agent and made him the 'person' he is. she chose to follow him, and stayed just the same. he's changed, unsure if he's even the same person telling her he is for the sake of an easier time. but she's the same and accepts this change whole heartedly, pushing Chic to as well. Even after he admits that he may not be the same man she knew, she's okay with this to his surprise.

so they together build up enough numbers to create a sizable company (?) creating alter. She would help him with any sort of medicine/science related tasked he'd ask for. She was just as smart as when they first got together and the chaos agent wanted to utilize this, however their relationship began to slowly take a toll.. Issac i could imagine is very affectionate, but soon they would argue over things, and their relationship would start as marital to something more professional and strained -- but they still had a daughter together, and treated this as a family situation. you wouldn't even be able to guess they were married, as Chaos Agent doesn't refer to Toxin as many pet names.

skip ahead to when Chic dies, Chaos Agent lost in what to do, he knows he doesn't want to be a good guy. and neither does she, but she's the one to call them parents, bringing it up saying they'll grieve together. This doesn't happen, not on screen at least. if anything they become more distant than before. her working in steamy stacks, and he's all the way in Pleasant Park, trying to rebuild what he once had. even admitting to Skye, when she worked with him, that he felt no need to see or catch up with Toxin during this. They would have a zoom call a week. and even then that to me seems more business than relationship.

before i continue the rest of this. my assumption is that because of Issac becoming one with The Chaos Agent, it would only keep emotions that were necessary. Romantic feelings for Toxin seemed to dissipate but his fatherly love and desperation for acceptance from his daughter remained. he wanted to be there for her and be a father and be in her life, but he didn't know how to do this as she hated him.

Maybe he felt the need of acceptance from her because Toxin was already okay with the change. maybe he wanted to do this for evil manipulation reasons but im strong in the belief that he just wanted her to know that he still cared for her. She was still his little girl, and he could never harbor hate for her. Even though, he treated her with sarcasm and harshness when they she was first introduced, i think this was just ryan trying to figure out the dynamic. or possibly chaos agent reacted this way to her because of how she treated him with such hostility already, he didnt know how to be kinder til the party, when he truly understood why she treated him this way.

But back to Toxin, after the death of Chic, i'm sure she greived. she had snuck out to go to her funeral, and to comfort chaos agent. I wished that we were able to see more of this though, how her death affected not just Chaos Agent but Toxin. As she didnt even get to see or hear her own daughter before her demise. i want to know what it was like for her. was it just as hard as it was for Chaos Agent? did she lose sleep to waking nightmares, unable to prevent what was already done? or did she bury herself in whatever work he would give her trying to distract from the truth? They clearly didn't talk much during this, and i think thats maybe the saddest part to me, that during all of this hardship and grieving, all they would share is a weekly zoom call. i couldn't imagine how that would feel.

This puts a larger strain on the relationship i think.. and they surely don't think of each other as fondly as they once did. I wonder if seeing him reminded her of Chic, and vice versa. Did they ever argue about it? did they bring it up after that moment at the funeral?

sadly so many unanswered questions. because Chic didn't get alot of screen time.

but after Rue, when chaos agent found out that she was a clone of Chic, he was shocked. but i wish i got to see more of it, when he was happy to finally be reunited with his daughter, a second chance to do things better and he sort of had closure for her death as she has been reborn, she even has Chic's memories. so they aren't entirely the same, but she remembers Issac, she remembered growing up with her mother and father working late in the lab, she remembered the things that Chic does. but we're never sure how much of that memory is retained, its all just speculation. But for sure the only people who have that memory is Chaos Agent, Toxin, And Cameo, who she thankfully reunites with. and cameo is just glad to have her friend back

but now, after this, chaos agent changes again. after the defeat of Fusion and sacrificing his body, the chaos agent remains , keeping Isaac's memories eventually it and Isaac have become one. So, to survive it needs a new body, and through its greed and evil decides to take Rue as she was the closest. Now chaos Rue, the people Toxin is supposed to be closest to have changed again, and she remains the same. Her husband and daughter now entangled in a disgusting fusion, and this is all unknown to her. assuming chaos agent had died. And she had come to accept this, but Chaos Rue would tell her eventually and Toxin would still continue to work with it. Barely holding on to any similarities between her old life and this new one.

Maybe she was okay with this, not realizing til then how much things had changed, maybe she wanted to separate herself from the person she was before Chaos Agent arrived. But nonetheless she was still deep down the same person, when the only family she had left were only imitations of those before them.

More time would pass. Chaos Agent would eventually make a deal with Isaac to separate from Rue, and let her be at peace. The guilt from this is probably what drove Isaac to ask such a thing. he didn't want to harm Rue anymore than he had when she was Chic, and because the Chaos Agent still had Isaac within him it folded and allowed for this to happen. all it wanted was for Isaac to push for total control of the island again, something he would be able to manage now with Midas gone.

And now Toxin and Chaos Agent are still separated. She would barely if ever visit and Chaos Agent is now more enamored with Tek.. i mean, maybe not intentionally but he certainty was trying Something.

Later now touched by Jules' "gift" from Midas, and becoming empowered by the golden touch. he becomes more sinister, but this time Toxin isn't sure what to do, she wants to follow him as it's everything she's know as of the past at least decade. but he's become so corrupt.

but she does so, and stays with him. But after this we don't hear much from her.. and her death is tragic. Midas, possessed by his most evil self kills her crushing her in the rubble of steamy stacks. Chaos Agent says his goodbyes and she's done.

i havent seen the episode which this happens in a while so im sure theres more to it than that, but still. After Toxin dies, so does Chaos Agent, being defeated by the current cast of heroes.

and what's left is just Rue. The clone of Chic, an imitation of someone she'd never met. Accepted by a family who cared for her because she was that imitation. and Toxin was also the last piece of Chic left. the only person who was still organically themselves through the whole timeline of events.

#text #a #ill put that for analysis. i dont want this in a main tag #this does bleed into being about chaos agent and rue but #thats because theyre So intertwined with Toxin's exsistance that i couldnt refrain from mentioning them #but yeah.. i feel like in my obsession w chaos/tek/rue i never gave toxin the attention she deserved #because shes just as important than they are and the effects that chaos agent's choices have on her are just as important #blahh i dont have to explain myself #nobody reads these!

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wavesoutbeingtossed · 6 months

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I love that “peace” has been popping back up on my dashboard of late, because I could just talk about the song forever.

I’m actually fascinated by how much unease lurks beneath the surface in the song. I wrote a post about how much I love how the pulsing beat and guitar set the mood for the song, how it’s just instant vibes as soon as it begins.

I said back then that it was a romantic song, but I think what I feel like elaborating on is that it’s romantic in a broader sense, in that it demonstrates how the narrator is building a life that is hers and theirs, in spite of the obstacles in the way both personally and from the outside world. It reads very much as, I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I know that you’re the person I want standing by my side come rain or shine.

But the really interesting thing to me is that, it’s not a love song in the traditional sense of making declarations directly to the love interest. As I said back then, it feels like a conversation with herself, voicing her deepest worries and wondering if what she can give is enough. When it opens with, “our coming of age has come and gone, suddenly this summer it’s clear,” it’s like she’s saying, “we’re not kids anymore and we’ve finally grown up, and now I’m sure this is who I want to spend my life with; is it fair to them to do that?”

I think it’s why the sadder parts of the song make sense to me, e.g. “I’d die for you in secret,” “your integrity makes me feel small/I talk shit with my friends, it’s like I’m wasting your honour,” etc. Are they sad? Concerning? Absolutely. But to me it’s because it feels like she’s talking to herself, giving voice to her demons and the reasons someone could decide to pack up and leave.

Yet, she hasn’t completely given in to the monster on the hill anxieties by the end of the song. She knows these are things she will always have to live with, and anyone who makes their life with her will as well, but she’s come to the realization that in spite of the pain, the fears, the external forces putting pressure on them, she will always do her best to make the person feel safe with her. She’s gone from, “no I could never give you peace” (This life will never be easy on us) to “would it be enough if I could never give you peace?” (I may not be able to make it easy, but could my love be enough to weather the storms?)

It’s open-ended. It’s a little uneasy. There is no definitive answer, because these anxieties are always in the back of her mind by virtue of who she is. I know there’s an argument to be made that the song is concerning because if her partner was making her feel that way then the relationship isn’t secure to begin with, which is a totally fair question, but my interpretation, for whatever it’s worth, is that these are anxieties the narrator (e.g. Taylor) would feel regardless, because these are her deepest worries rising to the surface. (The “Anti-Hero” of it all.) Maybe it’s specific to the partner, maybe it’s just anxiety/depression rearing its head and permeating whatever peace you feel you may have. There is anything but peace in this moment.

It just feels so human. The juxtaposition between realizing that this is who you want to spend the rest of your life with, who you want to build a family with, who you want to protect and defend, and the things outside of your control (e.g. anxiety, depression, personalities on an individual level, but also, outside pressure whether it’s from work, media, etc.) that can invade the plans you want to make. The idea of “peace” being nothing but an ephemeral concept in their lives is kind of heartbreaking, but the faint hope of chasing it anyway is kind of what being human is all about.

I don’t know, this is kind of a rambling mess, but the song just hits me.

#folklore my beloved ❤️#me thinking too hard about taylor lyrics #Taylor swift #peace #not meant to shade anyone who thinks the song is problematic just to be clear!!!#I totally get it!!!#and I absolutely get the argument that if she were feeling this way then there must have been a reason #I’m just saying that within the context of it as a song #it reads to me like a narrator battling her own demons and trying to convince herself that it’s at least worth trying to overcome #writing letters addressed to the fire

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stormboundscholar · 8 months

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Love and Ambition

Another day at school has passed. So it's time to write another entry.

It was a cool summer day again. Yesterday I wrote that fall was coming soon, and if the trend continues we might be ready to leave the heat behind.

I love autumn. I just think that it has the best parts of every season combined, and more! I can choose whatever I want without worrying about freezing to death or frying myself alive. Add bugs dying out and rainy days, it's just the best time of the year!

All that aside, let's get to the part where I talk about my day.

It was quite a calm day. I studied like usual, and even spent some time with my friends, but I my mind was still busy with an issue.

I have been thinking about something that has been troubling me for a long time. I have never been very close with people, maybe it is temperament, maybe it is my trust issues. I have been yearning for something... Closer for the longest time. I never even had a date, and I never was closer than friends with people in general.

I have cleaned myself up lately, I picked up better hygiene and tried to improve my fashion sense, I even lost some weight. It was nice to get closer to my ideal body image and I have gained the confidence to at least try my hand at romance.

But I... Couldn't.

But I didn't...

I am a man of ambition. I always loved my work and the advantages hard work gave me. To be completely honest I had no choice because I was largely isolated at childhood, and everyone had high expectations from me. They still do, and I am sad to say that I sometimes expect a lot from myself as well.

When I wanted to try my hand at the dating scene, I sadly found that my ambition stops me from trying. Maybe it's just an excuse, but I have filled my schedule up so much that I just can't spare the time that I need to hold up a stable relationship. Even when I get a good lead on a possible partner, I take too long to make the right moves and the mutual interest just fades away...

There is a person I am interested in again. She's a very nice girl! I met her years ago in middle school, right when I was starting to recover from depression, and I would have considered her as a friend, even though I was pushing people away back then (actually the same problem of ambition turning into obsession) she was always nice to me. In recent days I couldn't help but notice that she was closer to me, and she started hanging out at similar places to me in recent days even though she is in another class. We chatted a little this evening and I thought for the first time if I would be interested in her romantically, and I had swallowed the bait. I would be interested. Maybe she just sees me as a friend/acquaintance but... Maybe I am looking for more.

Could have tried my luck, maybe I could have asked for a date, their number or maybe I could have just put more effort in the conversation to be closer to them. But I... Didn't. I am building a future, but I wouldn't want to ruin hers in the last year before college exams, and I can't spend the time that could help me go to the college of my dreams. Or at least that's what I told myself.

Damn it all! I want to love someone and to be loved in return. I want to be completely vulnerable to someone who would be vulnerable in return. It isn't even about what you think anyway, I just want a confidant, an equal to complete me. But I keep pushing everyone who could be that person away!

The girl haunting my dreams lately just has a personality is really similar to mine, and similar experiences as far as I know. She may be interested in me and on top of all that she's cute,she's beautiful. But I can't...

Sad Times.

Let's talk about my current romance partner, I guess.

I spent hours with my true love today. Hours and hours with my studies. Sadly, I wasn't as productive as I was yesterday, but weirdly I found myself spending more hours working anyway. I was a guest at a family function and I had to study harder material which led to slower progress, but I am still happy to say that I was reasonably productive. My day finally came to an end at 11pm.

So now I have become sleepy, the catcher of Z's (:

Good night everyone, and good luck!

#diary entry #self improvement #self help #romance #crush #ambition #productive

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watchyourdigits · 8 months

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Eventually I'll do a write-up on the minor OCs in my fics. Perhaps build them their own little universes because they deserve it. Especially Alice and Eileen, my beautiful lesbian babies. Some backstory and faceclaims below for those who don't read my fics because I LOVE these two sm (general Night Letter ramblings as well below the cut, lots of rehashed stuff heh).

For those who don't read Night Letter, Frankie is my Sole Survivor OC. He's a gay (cowboy-adjacent) man born in TN. He was moved out to/raised in TX when he was ~4 by his father (who became an alcoholic) after his mom passed away while having his younger brother (who also didn't make it). He's got three older sisters who were very protective of him.

Frankie shipped up to Boston for the military after his dad caught him kissing boys & this lovely lady named Alice at a bar near her college/his station. They hit it off really well and found common ground in being closeted gays. They met up a few more times before deciding to get married to keep up appearances and maintain an "acceptable" social life. And also to appease both their families to remain in their respective inheritances, of course. Gotta do what you gotta do.

Eileen was Alice's live-in "friend". Or long-distance cousin, depending on the day. So far as anyone in Sanctuary Hills knew anyway lmao Surprise! They were partners and met in college. Frankie loved them both so so so dearly. They reminded him of his sisters back home, whom he missed constantly while settling down in Boston. Alice and Eileen doted on him furiously and were the only reason he stayed sane when Malcolm - Frankie's first true love that he met in the military - was killed in action. They kept him grounded.

Shaun was born from Alice and Frankie in the technical sense only. The ladies really wanted a kid together, and Frankie was willing & available to help with that (via sperm donation). He always felt more like an uncle than a father, and that's what they always called him: Uncle Frankie. I might be reconning my own fic here, in all honesty. I actually can't remember if I mentioned the term "uncle" specifically in Night Letter. Also I'm pretty sure I just said he was available to help in that department and never specified that he didn't fuck Alice!!!!!! ALSO he does strategically refer to himself as Shaun's father in the post-apocalypse because he thinks it legitimizes his cause to find him more than if he were just his uncle, saying it for the sake of emotional appeal to those he might need help from. You bet your ass he'll go back to being Uncle once Shaun is living with them :')

My FCs for Alice and Eileen are Elizabeth Taylor and Jane Powell (respectively) because I saw this one picture and couldn't help myself bc they are so goddamn cute

Do note: they are merely mentioned in the fic (posthumously obviously). I have ~problems~ because I have way too much in my head for them despite them not being relevant at all. Like how their first date was a total disaster because Alice stupidly suggested they get milkshakes. Alice does not like sweet things. Eileen does, but they're both lactose intolerant. Neither said anything because they were both just so nervous and trying to be romantic. The date itself was fine, but they couldn't meet up the next day because they were both SUFFERING. Both made elaborate excuses as to why they didn't show up, only to find the other hadn't showed either. They didn't talk about it, calling it a wash, and only found the truth out after two years of being together when wine drunk one night in Eileen's dorm room.

In other news, is it bad that I've considered making Eileen into a ghoul?? Alice was Frankie's legal wife so she was in the vault. But Eileen was out of the house when the bombs fell (not that she was registered for the vault anyway). I like to think she went ghoul instead of being struck from earth okay let me be 😭😭

Less important, but Malcolm (aka Mal, aka loverboy) and Frankie (aka Franklin Lee Barr aka don't fuckin' call me Franklin) are Sal Mineo and James Dean, respectively:

#i give pay them an homage in raise hell (in name only) because i think about them all the time #but they exist within the Frankie-verse #oh no regg is being annoying about OCs again what a SURPRISE #oc: alice #oc: eileen #fic: night letter #throwing this there because of the FCs #oc: malcolm #oc: frankie #a lot of this is in the fic already but i'm putting it all in one place so i can pull it up when i need to #// implied homophobia

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zebrashavestrips · 2 years

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oooooh all the q's

Hello anon! I’m guessing you mean the wlw + mlm asks so here it is!

1. describe your crush / partner.

I’m not really crushing anyone right now tbh, just hanging out with friends and trying new things.

2. describe your perfect date.

The simple answer, going to a brewery and playing board games. I love any competitive activity tbh but with the right vibes, we could also go walk around the streets and have deep talks. maybe lay down at the beach or a park and look at the sky.

3. describe your dream house.

I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS SOOOO MUCH but thats also because its a near life goal right now. Anyways room#1 a game/ hangout room to watch tv, read, play board or console games, and work lol cant forget about working. Then room#2 would be a guest room with a murphy bed to save space. Room#3 would be my bedroom with a closet with enough space to separate my clothes and gear. The livign room would have what i like to call a scream box, basically these like conference call soundproof phonebooths but could also be used to scream the stress. Bc i have a whole bunch of stuffed animals from family and friends, i want to build a claw machine to store them and thats like another gaming device in my house. The kitchen i actually havent thought that much about but i think i want a lot of counterspace and idk how else it would look like rn. The garage would store all my gear and the camper van i would use for adventures. I would also like a grass patch in the front but theres no more space in the bay area so the park will do. OHHH and a straight roof or patio to watch the skies.

4. describe your dream life.

i see my life with two lifestyles: one like a day job, where most of the week I'd work during the day and hang out with friends afterwards or chill at home and wind down; another full of adventure - hikes, climbing, camping, some day trips to hang out somewhere. some combination of that with friends and we kinda just keep doing that.

5. describe your ideal partner.

Someone to do most of my hobbies with, to challenge and grow together. Kinda someone that I can continuously learn from in any aspect. I really enjoy having people around me just doing our own things together so things like that.

6. morning cuddles or night cuddles?

Night cuddles

7. big spoon or little spoon?

Little spoon

8. hugs or kisses?

Hugs

9. walks on the beach or walks in the forest?

Walks in the forest

10. sitting on your partner’s lap or them on yours?

Them sitting on my lap

11. favourite lgbt movie?

Imagine me & you… soooo cute

12. favourite lgbt book?

I actually don’t really read that many books but I love a good enemies to lovers, fake dating, soulmates angst. I’m in the middle of We Are Okay by Nina Lacour. But I did read a lot of fanfic and there was this soulmate AU with a name tattooed on each wrist and you don’t know which one is a platonic soulmate and which one is a romantic soulmate.

13. favourite lgbt character?

Fictional, Laura Hollis. Real, Hayley Kiyoko

14. favourite lgbt ship?

The og hollstein! Ughhh I miss them so much

15. favourite lgbt song?

Oooo this is hard, I actually have a few… can I give top 3? Whatever, it’s my blog. Top 3 are sleepover by hayley kiyoko, kiss the boy by keiynan lonsdale, and sick of losing soulmates by dodie

16. what’s your favourite thing about your partner / crush?