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#anyway this is how griddelhark can still wi--
theriverbeyond · 1 year
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spinning around in my head like a microwave how Harrow just spent her whole life wanting Gideon and specifically never really wanting anything from Gideon. like yeah she talked big about "duty to the Ninth" but at the end of the day she just. wanted Gideon. like i am pretty sure Gideon didn't even have a job. on the Ninth, so poor in its resources that one would assume that nothing would be wasted. but she was more or less free to run around with a sword staring mournfully at skeletal constructs reading pornographic comic books and generally having a none-to-negative impact on the Ninth House's operations.
how for Canaan House Harrow went through all the trouble of having Gideon trained with the rapier and brought her along only for her to not want Gideon to do anything!!! she was like YES you will train nonstop for 3 months and YES you will now sit silent in our joint rooms twiddling your thumbs. sir this is my emotional support Griddle. and Gideon was so bored and confused because she's a butch down to her service loving bones, but Harrow just wanted Gideon to stay safe and out of the way and stay hers. how when Gideon went and did it, sacrificed herself for Harrow, how of course Harrow didn’t want that, and of course she would then destroy herself in order to undo it. because Harrow never wanted Gideon's service or Gideon's sacrifice or anything else like that. she wanted Gideon.
and I am thinking about being butch and the specific ways our view of our self worth and value so often gets all tied up in what we can do for other people and how Harrow loves Gideon in a way that is totally outside of that framework. Harrow just wants to come home and for Gideon to be there. and Gideon just doesnt understand. because of course she doesn't. pain.
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