#anyway rn it's the sort of horrible which is wearing and nasty but definitely still this-too-shall-pass
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I was trying to define how I'm feeling rn and I came up with 'horrible, but in a good way'
#i mean yes horrible nasty#but not like yesterday or other days sometimes#(God be thanked that I forgot at the time that there actually is a knife in my room in a box bc if I'd remembered I'd wager anything#that I would not in fact have come out of that unscathed. I have buried the knife further in the box#so that in case such a crisis comes again I cannot easily get at it and hopefully I'll get some sense or tell somebody in the meantime.)#anyway rn it's the sort of horrible which is wearing and nasty but definitely still this-too-shall-pass#i can survive it without danger to life or limb in the least it's not as bad#and i know definitely that this is connected with having friend and her family staying over since wednesday#thankfully they're going home tomorrow at least#yes i am a horrible friend#yes this is making it worse#but i just - yes i love her and i love them. but i need space. i need alone time. i am at the end of my tether.#and yes apparently anxiety and uptightness and general wound up ness can get to the point it did yesterday#i only clawed up my face a bit and nothing lasting#only a few nail marks remain on my hands so im fine#but i won't deny that the evening of yesterday was honestly terrifying#if i'm like this emotionally still in terms of fragility by the time i go back to uni i don't think i'll cope with uni#at least without resorting to something desperate of some kind#i'm hoping getting a job soon if i can will pull me out of this slump#i need to do something about pursuing an adhd diagnosis or at least going to an educational psych like my doctor suggested#i cannot deal with it without at least one or the other of those#i mean i also need a referral from doctor to scoliosis review surgeon so if i can get an appointment with the specific doctor to get that#maybe i'll be able to get a referral to another adhd or educational person as well at the same time. i hope so#i don't know. sorry for having a breakdown all over tumblr#if im having a serious breakdown all over tumblr at any point that's probably my way of keeping me somewhere safe tbh#im sorry y'all have to be dumped with this but idk#and im sorry i can't promise to trigger tag or anything eithr bc i know if im in a state of crisis or my definition of crisis i will forget#guhh anyway idk why i dumped this all over the place sorry#to my followers who followed me bc of shenanigans: sorry#to everybody: sorry
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