Tumgik
#anyway i hate the fifteen one but i've been working on this for a week
potato-jem · 9 months
Note
hello nero my beloved soulmate!!!
i have pride stories!!! i went to pride this saturday and it was so much fun i need to tell you all about it!!!
well first of all i really hate that i had to work in the morning because it made me so tired and it was the first weekend of sales so yea, not fun. but anyway, my friend picked me up at 3pm and we got to florence. we had to park pretty far from the meeting point and then take a bus, and it was amazing because we were totally lost looking for that bus and at some point we see a bus full of people with rainbow flags, glitter, signs, flower crowns, rainbow stickers and temporary tattoos and all of that. and we just went in, no questions asked. we just figured we’d follow them out of the bus too 😂 i love our people honestly. we were so colorful
anyway we got to the meeting point and it was deadly hot. i swear there were like 45 degrees. but it was so amazing to be around all of those people dressed in all colors and wearing all sorts of things we’d usually be judged for, it felt so safe. except that there was a religious protestor so we got to give him the finger like the heartstopper cast did :)
also my sister came with me. she’s always so supportive and it meant the world that she came with me. anyway the parade started and there were some amazing floats. there were rainbow families, drag queens, all the lgbtqia+ associations from our territory and we started walking behind this float that had amazing music, so we started dancing and singing and it was so much fun!!! we got to talking with some people, there were some amazing signs that were just perfect and i had to go there and tell them how much i loved them :) it was just so fun, i loved meeting random people and it was just the perfect environment. at night there was also a dj set and a band singing to keep the show going!!
then when we were walking back to the bus stop at night we got the whiplash of not being surrounded by queer people anymore. we got catcalled like fifteen times in the span of three minutes. i kinda wanted to punch everyone because we had such a perfect day and i hated that we had to go back to the real world where people are shit 🥲
but still i got so many amazing memories and now all i want to do is book a flight to london for next year and have you come with me so we can celebrate together and see the heartstopper cast!!!!
also, i got a new tattoo yesterday!! and i actually had red white and royal blue with me to distract me so i almost finished the book again and cried in from of my tattoo artist lol it took me the whole day again and it was so painful but so worth it!!! i got medusa on my leg 😻
also, as to our previous letter i just wanted to say that of course i believed in you!!!! i knew you could do it!! but i can definitely believe you had to close your eyes to open that message 😂 getting grades back is always so stressful!! now manifesting a spot for the exchange 🕯️🕯️🕯️ i really hope you get it!!! it’s an amazing experience, you’d definitely love it!!!
and i’m really glad you found someone who specialises in what you need. it can take a while to find the right therapist but i hope this one works out!!
(i’m also writing down sydney and melbourne for when i’m rich enough to visit 😂 i literally booked a flight for august and my bank account kinda yelled at me to stop spending money i don’t have lol)
anyways i’m really sorry i’ve been away for so long, i had a crazy week between the beginning of seasonal sales, pride and the tattoo appointment. i kinda didn’t have time to do anything 🥲
i’m giving you a hug and some homemade chocolate chip cookies with biscoff cream on top <33
hello cece my beloved soulmate!!!!
oh my god i've been so excited to hear about this!!!
that sucks you had to go to work, boo!!! but at least you were off early enough to still go to pride!!!! and how cool that you got to share the experience of going on the bus with all the queer people!! i bet there was no straight and/or cis people on that bus 😂😂😂 just follow the rainbow!!
hot days are the worst, but pride would have made it so much better. i would not be focused on how sweaty i was or the temperature with the amount of queer joy happening around me! it's so wonderful that in a parade full of people and colour that you were able to feel so incredibly safe, and it would have been such an intimate moment for you! and fuck that religious protestor, i'm so glad you gave him the finger. the heartstopper cast would be so proud of you :')
oh that warms my heart that your sister came!!! that was so nice of her to come with you!! the floats sound amazing, and the singing and dancing!!! i am feeling some of the joy through my screen!! seriously, cece, this sounds like the most incredible time. i want to cry just thinking about you having so much fun with your friend and your sister, celebrating your queerness and talking to new people and singing and dancing like there's no one else around 🥲🥲🥲
the trip home must have been so dull in comparison! and how dare those people catcall you, i hope you gave them the same treatment as that religious protestor because seriously what the fuck.
the only thing that matters now is that you had a safe and wonderful time at pride and you can cherish those memories for the rest of your life! and yes, we must do it!! i will literally stay for an extra month just to go to pride in london with you <3
oh my god yay!!! i bet the medusa tattoo looks so cool! and yes reading rwrb while getting tattooed is properly not your best idea, but i'm already rereading rwrb any chance i get to annotate it fully before the movie so i can't say much 😂
okay, cece, i must let you know, because i said to myself i would let you know as soon as i could. but this morning, i woke up (quite late actually). i checked my watch for my notifications. i see an email waiting for me. i die a little inside realising it is from the exchange team at my university. i run out to grab my phone from where i charge it. i speed past my mum. i unlock my phone. i open my email and click on the newest one. and.... I GOT A SPOT EARLY!!! AT MY FIRST UNIVERSITY TOO!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? i'm still in so much shock and i thank you for your manifesting and belief in me!!! oh my god i have so much to do before then (mostly saving money ngl 😂) but oh my god cece, i'm going to england for exchange!!!!!!
me too!! i just need to find the time to get a referral, so i can go and see them!!
(literally sydney and melbourne are lowkey expensive, but it is totally worth it!! and i would be more than happy to tell you where to go and where to stay! <3)
do not apologise!!! we are all busy! i am literally working the equivalent of a full time job over the next two weeks and i'm also dogsitting over the weekend :') pray for my poor soul.
i'm giving you the biggest hug i hope contains the same warmth as pride and i'm fighting off your customers so you can have a few moments to breathe <3333
26 notes · View notes
polyhexian · 1 year
Text
Actually fuck it it's 1am and I'm ready to- well, not trauma dump, but I'm gonna be mad about shit that's not polite to talk about in public or whatever. Hi everyone welcome to my transformers shit post blog
Anyway. So most people are not aware I have siblings because I never talk about them and that's because I haven't willingly spoken to my sister in seven years because she's an abusive narcissist and out of her fucking mind violent. But that's not important I bitch about her lying about having fuckin lupus despite the fact it's already killed enough of our family as it is. My brother I talk about even less and you know why??? There's literally no way to talk about him with modern social politics without pissing someone off. My brother is six years younger than me, low functioning down's syndrome/autistic. He's 23 now, nonverbal. I changed diapers until I moved out of my parents house at 17. 24/7 supervision, radio ankle monitor for safety, blablabla. He's visibly disabled. You look at him and immediately know he's disabled so like. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of places I've been kicked out of with him
Every time I see people get into fucking identity politics about like "low/high functioning" hurting their feelings it makes my lip curl, and I know I'm irrationally mad about it but like. What else am I supposed to be? Chill? Did you know "disability" is only for people who weren't born disabled? You only get disability if you're able to work and lose that ability. If you were born disabled? Go fuck yourself. There's programs and whatever but they all fucking suck donkey shit. My family didn't get a cent from the government to help take care of a severely disabled child until he was fucking nine. My brother is deaf AND blind. Like. Come on.
And finally when we did it's still like. Fucking nothing. At one point it was like... I dunno, 600 a month plus some shit like boxes of useless bargain bin diapers? Most importantly we got a certain amount of hours from like a medical care facility. Like, special babysitters, essentially. Fifteen hours a week maybe. Like great thanks that's super helpful. I was scrubbing shit off the walls when I was twelve. Thanks for the fucking help. My brother is difficult and strong and can be occasionally violent when he doesn't get his way. We went through every goddamn care worker in town. I remember at 15, after my dad left, my mom was like. Too depressed to do shit and so it fell to me, terminally adultified child. And because my brother is so difficult the hourly pay for working with him was higher than other clients, so their workers were always super interested in working with him. But I'd answer the door and I'm a tired angry fifteen year old and I know they're going to know the second they look at him why he pays so well and that it's still not worth it to them. So I used to open the door and say hi, my parents aren't coming to meet you, I'm in charge and I know how to forge my mom's signature. I'm tired and I don't want to waste my time with a bullshit interview. Come in, meet him, and if you decide this isn't going to work within like five minutes, that's great, fine, I get it, whatever. I'll sign off on your sheet that you were here for the full hour, so you can just go home and get paid for coming and I don't have to play grown up pretend bullshit for an hour of my time. My mom HATED that I did this but like nine times out of ten they left after fifteen minutes. They weren't worth my fucking time.
Eventually we did legitimately. Straight up run out of people willing to work with him. The company didn't send us anyone new because there wasn't anyone and because we didn't use the fifteen hours a week we got for two weeks in a row the government cancelled his entire benefit system and put him back on the waiting list. The one he was on for nine years, remember? We had to sue them over it to try and keep from losing the little they gave us and the company was so fucking butthurt about it that they called cps on us. Childish bullshit.
I've been kicked out of restaurants and movie theatres and stores and fuckin. Roller rinks or arcades or whatever kinds of places exist because he's disabled and scary and a lot of work and loud and messy and people don't want him around. It makes me bitter and angry and venomous. You wouldn't even recognize me around him. I know I can be a bitch on the internet sometimes but irl I'm soft and timid a lot of the time. I don't like talking to strangers. But you drop me in a room with my brother and I turn into a snarling fucking animal and the second I sense disgust I'm going to make a fucking scene. I've yelled at people in restaurants. What the fuck are you staring at?? I'm so sorry, is my brother enjoying his meal disturbing you? Good thing I don't give a shit. I'll embarrass myself and everyone else in the room without giving a single shit. One time I literally stormed on stage during a high schools talent show for disabled students to scream at a teacher backstage. No subtlety. No politeness. I stood up and I climbed up on the stage and stormed through the curtain. I can't fucking control myself. The anger has built up over the decades and it spills out. How fucking dare you.
And what am I supposed to do with that? That's not inspirational. It's not polite. It's not a nice story. It's "I love my brother but he's incredibly difficult and the government and society as a whole has gone so far out of their way to make keeping him safe and happy extraordinarily difficult that I'm always ready to get in a fight over it with anyone who gives me an excuse." People don't like stories like that. I don't want custody of him when my parents die and every single qualified care facility and group home in the state has refused him because he's categorized as "dangerous" because he can be physically difficult. So he just gets completely abandoned by the world who says wow that sucks but tough shit. Maybe just die about it?
I literally can't post photos of me with my brother without people thinking I'm fucking like baiting or whatever the fuck, like, white knighting my disabled brother for sympathy. As if I'm not just memeing with my family or some shit. And then I can't complain or I'm an ableist. It's easier if I just shut up and don't talk about it, isn't it?
Internet disability politics doesn't and has never given a single rancid shit about low functioning disabled people. The absolute zero sum most at risk people in society. What am I supposed to do when my parents die? I literally cannot take care of him physically or financially and he can't leave the state without losing benefits. I don't live there anymore. I have to uproot everything and go home? Or what, turn him over to the state so he can deal with the, what, 65% chance of sexual abuse that happens to nonverbal low functioning disabled people? Be fed dog kibble and left to rot in a piss stained mattress for days? I've seen these places. He can't talk so they can do anything they want to him. No one is going to stick up for him. No one cares.
It boils my fucking blood just to think about. I don't want to hear any woke ass takes about functioning labels from someone on Twitter if they've never materially contributed to the well being of a low functioning disabled person in their fucking life. Those terms aren't for you asshole, they're for them, because they need more help and protection. Tired of trying to keep up with the politics and labels placed upon my family member by people with no stake in the suffering at the end of the stick they're poking him with. It's all so easy in theoreticals but what if "what happens to my brother if my parents die" is a question that's loomed over your head for a decade without an answer? I'll listen to your thoughts on the matter when you Paypal me ten dollars so I can send him some more scarves to stim with.
People hate messy uninspiring stories so they would rather you just shut up and stop reminding them about it. Literally I think if I still lived down there and one more restaurant manager asked me to leave I would fucking stab them
32 notes · View notes
greyias · 10 months
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
On @thievinghippo's recommendation for a Stardew Valley-like game with more plot, I picked up "My Time at Portia" like... months ago. Put off playing it for a while, launched it once and enjoyed it... then I made the mistake of deciding to launch it this weekend because "the ruin diving is fun and relaxing"
Several lost nights of sleep later, and a long weekend/vaction days I had planned on using to write... I'm in deep. I've been regaling @grumpyhedgehog with the tales of how between awkward timing on my part, randomized in-game events how one NPC who is probably supposed to be dashing and competent is coming off as the biggest damn dork and it's incredibly hilarious and endearing.
Poor Arlo here keeps trying to be this suave and competent savior, promising to save my builder from conmen trying to shake her down, and track down thieves, to arrive to every situation fifteen minutes late with Starbucks as my character is dusting her hands off, having already handled everything. And then he gets frustrated and starts telling me how he's supposed to be the one beating people up and saving the town. Which of course means he brings her along on a stakeout, I guess so he can keep an eye on her since she's getting into trouble anyway?
A Running List of Possibly Accidental In-Game Arlo Shenanigans:
He was the only person to remember my character's birthday -- including ME. I was so intent on fixing the town's water supply I forgot until he comes sneaking by at 7am to drop a gift off without even waving hello
The gift has battle stats -- so I put it on, and ironically get stuck in the hardest little dungeon crawl of the game with no healing items brought along (because I had no clue), and only his gift (and another NPC) to keep me alive
I finally get through the plot and stagger out to him and he's like "Oh hey thanks for fixing the water problem" and proceeded to pretend like he hadn't snuck a gift on my doorstep before the ass crack of dawn
He wanted me to make him a bag, with a time sensitive delivery that if I missed, I'd lose relationship points and reputation. So I rush to finish it. Then the game decides to lock him in eternal battle day and night, because of plot, and he refuses to talk to me to take his gd bag that I worked really hard on, and just shouts at me to go get supplies to fix the hole because enemies keep spawning every five seconds.
So I have to work day and night to get the items to fix the plot thing, so he doesn't hate me because he WON'T TAKE HIS BAG THAT I'M WAVING MADLY AT HIS FACE and then once the plot is advanced he's like "Oh hey thanks bag looks great, sure we can go on a platonic buddy date" and walks off
Shows up five hours early during a festival at the platonic buddy date spot to ask me to make him a training dummy, runs off
Comes back for the platonic buddy date, happily takes the spicy spaghetti I learned how to make just for him because he wouldn't stop talking about how much he wanted spicy spaghetti. Then he's like "I have stuff to do" five minutes into our buddy date and just leaves
I get fed up and challenge him to combat in the street. Despite being several levels lower than him, somehow manage to kick his ass in front of the entire town
This apparently is an extremely attractive thing to do. He shows up on my doorstep at 7am the next morning to ask ME on a platonic buddy date. I guess we'll see if this lasts a whole ten minutes this time.
Anyway, this game is now sucking up every last braincell, in the exact same way Stardew Valley did until I got my fill. So I guess this is just what I'm doing until something distracts me (probably the swtor 7.3 update, whenever that happens, because that usually derails my brain for a solid week)
18 notes · View notes
philcoulsonismyhero · 9 months
Text
I'm having a weird brain week because the old family shit has been stirred up, so I guess I'm rambling about it on here.
So (bear with me) I reinstalled my old LEGO HP games because I was getting bored of the superhero ones I've been playing and LEGO games are pretty much the only video games I can ever be bothered with, and hoo boy. (And I don't even mean the whole issue of 'the creator of this thing I still can't help but care about hates people like me now', I can mostly deal with that these days by just not putting any money anywhere near her direction and not engaging publicly with her work.)
Sometimes there's that one fictional character that was really important to you when a bunch of shit was going down in your life and so they end up intrinsically linked to that shit in your brain, and for me that's Lupin. Every time I go back to HP, I end up going back to obsessing over that guy, and more often than not it dredges up everything that I used him as a coping mechanism for. And this time it very much has.
Long story short-ish, I was 15 when my parents sat me and my sisters down and told us they were getting divorced. It was November, and that was the year that I was sitting my Highers, which at that point were the exams that your uni application would depend on the results of, i.e. the exams that at a private school obsessed with academic results you end up believing are going to determine the rest of your life. I was doing six, you're usually supposed to do a maximum of five, so I had no free periods and a reputation as Probably The Smartest Kid In My Year to uphold. So my parents told me they were getting divorced and I dealt with that by just putting my head down and Getting On With Things, because school was the thing I was good at, and had to be good at. (I got straight As, three subject prizes and Dux of School that year. Fuck you, circumstances.)
To be completely honest, despite the myriad of new stresses it caused, the divorce was kind of a relief because it had been inevitable. I have a very distinct memory of being quite a bit younger that 15 and standing in the kitchen by the doors through to the dining room and listening to my parents shouting at each other in there, and turning to my younger sisters and saying "This is going to end up in divorce." I can only remember a fraction of what went down in the years that led up to it, and not even half the reasons for them splitting up, but there was a lot of shouting when I was a young teen/pre-teen. I spent a couple of years being the shoulder that my mum cried on, and the person that my dad complained to about my mum, and I was about 13 and knew fuck-all about anything except for the fact that someone had to be the sensible one around here and try and mediate a bit. I was the oldest, the younger two shouldn't have to deal with All That, and the last thing we needed was anything or anyone introducing More Drama into the situation. I got bullied at school and I don't think I ever mentioned it to my parents. I do remember emailing one of those support services about the bullying, though, which I have to remind myself every time I think back and I'm like 'but it wasn't That Bad, was it?' I got deliberately tripped on the stairs once. Fortunately both of those assholes grew out of it in a year or two, and I finally stopped being in classes with one of them, although I never managed to get rid of the other guy. Trounced him in the final year physics exam, though, and boy did that feel good after years of "girls can't do physics".
Anyway. Being fifteen sucked, but I was good at school. And I was Sensible, and I didn't get into any of that Teen Drama that fiction and society both seemed convinced was inevitable, I did well in my exams, I didn't make a fuss about anything, I kept my head down and Got On With Things, and then two years into uni I crashed and burned dramatically because turns out I'm autistic and don't deal very well with new situations and never learned how to ask for help *jazz hands*
All this to say, 15 year old me took one look at Remus Lupin, designated Sensible Adult In The Room who was always the one helping other people and being Understanding and never complaining too much about his own situation despite everything always seeming to collapse around him and went ah. That one. That character would Understand. Plus, he was an adult who treated the teenagers with respect while also always being clearly aware that they were still kids and there were some things that they shouldn't have to deal with, and. I had emotions about that. I was never hugely interested in the fandom version of the guy as a teenager, I never got particularly invested in stories about teenagers because I never felt like one myself, but the adult version? He was the crutch that got me through Being Fifteen.
And now I'm 27 and most of the time I'm Fine but every so often (often in November, but not always) this stuff comes back to bite me and I look at all the characters that I care about the most and they're folks like Obi-Wan or Lupin or Hotch or Ironwood, people who are stuck being Sensible or In Charge or both and sometimes end up cracking under the weight of it all and it's like. Yeah. Yeah, I guess all that did fuck me up. And at least now I'm engaging more with characters who get to be angry about their situations. I'm still really bad about being angry about things, it's an emotion I really struggle to express because I associate it so much with a whole lot of shouting that just makes a mess and takes forever to actually achieve anything. I think I'm angry about a lot of things, but part of me is always like 'yeah, but what's The Point, it's not like getting angry now will change anything that happened'. So I just don't. I stall out before I get anywhere. But the characters that I write, both in fic and my own original stuff, are starting to get to Lose Their Shit. I'm getting a little better at secondhand catharsis. It's a baby step, but it's something.
I don't think I'm going to write any of it because engaging to that degree with HP isn't something I want to do anymore, but I could write so much fanfic where Lupin gets to actually get mad about his situation. Where he gets to shout about all the shit he's been put through, all the friends he's lost and all the prejudice and injustice he's faced and how he's tired of being the calm and sensible one who helps everyone else and never gets any acknowledgement from those people about his own struggles. Some of it would be projecting, some of it would be just having an outside perspective on the story that he's in and the way it treated him and how it was bullshit and how that makes me mad because he Deserved Better. How his story ended up being about his own insecurities and how he should just get over them rather than the colossal injustice he'd faced his entire life and the fact that he shouldn't have to be just resigned to it, he should be allowed to get angry and to try and do something about it.
I don't think I'm going to write it, but thinking about it has helped a bit, even though thinking about Lupin was what landed me in the Brain Weird place in the first place. Sometimes you've just got to get angry on behalf of a fictional character because that way you can sidle up to getting angry on your own behalf. Try it out a bit. I don't know. I don't know if any of this is productive or just an exercise in being maudlin, but I guess I'm having the yearly breakdown about Family Shit a bit early this year and it probably doesn't hurt to dust off an old coping mechanism and see if it helps at all.
And at least this time I've gotten another original fiction idea out of it, so I guess that's something. I'll probably talk about that a bit soon, it's a fun one, and I'm slowly working out how to properly use it to get into the fact that to me werewolves are almost always a metaphor for repressed anger and being scared of the mess that you'll make if you let it out. They're a lot of things to a lot of people, but to me, thanks to Lupin and all the personal shit from my life that he got tangled up in, they're that.
And speaking of dealing with repressed anger, I should probably go and rewatch the scene from the penultimate Ted Lasso episode that absolutely wrecked me, which was the one where Ted finally has a proper go at his mum. Because I felt that one in my bones, although in my case it's my dad that I could do with repeatedly saying 'fuck you' to. Blargh. That was definitely the thing that primed me for the descent into Lupin nonsense, that's for sure. Fiction, man. It'll do things to you.
It's nearly 6 in the morning and I should probably attempt sleep, I guess. Thanks for reading if you got this far, this was just a brain dump because sometimes you just need to Put The Thing In Words, whether it's coherent or not, and throw it out into the void.
6 notes · View notes
moonstonehailstorm · 1 month
Text
The Negotiation
—Okay, 12:16 am, your time's up.
—Sorry, what? Ha ha, funny.
—Oh no, I mean it this time.
—Yeah, right, you mean it like you've meant it for the past 25 years, I guess. Thank you for making me laugh.
—I'm serious. You're big trouble for me. I need all of this nonsense to stop.
—Nonsense? You love this and you know it. Your best ideas come out at night. Most of the cool stuff you've done has been created past midnight. You can't stop. I'm your peak creation held by the moon. You. Won't. Stop me.
—You're right...
—HA HA! I KNEW IT WOULD BE THIS EASY TO CONVIN-
—...But I'm tired.
—...Tired? That's not me, that was your parents today...
—I'M TIRED OF YOUR DAMAGE IN THE MORNINGS.
—Aw, stop it! This world is not made for us. They're the ones who are wrong. Life must happen at night.
—Even if I agree with that, you still hurt me anyways. I'm tired of not being on time in the mornings. I'm tired of forcing myself to sleep "fifteen more minutes" and then turning it into an hour. I'm tired of feeling guilty when waking up, and tired of saying "tomorrow I'll do better", and not happening.
—STOP. You hate mornings!! You've always hated them! All your life has been the same! YOU CAN'T DO THIS, you're not gonna do it well!
—Yes, I think I'll never stop hating mornings, I'm nocturnal as fuck, but this time is different. Now I know I'm neurodivergent and I really think this change will help. I need it.
—No... Please... I refuse to leave... I need these revenge hours at night, please...
—You know I won't let you die, right? I'm not killing you.
—What...? Oh... OH NO. No, no, no... You want me to appear in the mornings???
—Yup... I've been thinking for a couple of hours, what can I do that I haven't in all of these years trying to sleep better and waking up on time? I've tried drinking water, doing some exercise, doing house chores, turning up the light, listen to music... And nothing has worked, because you have never been in any of those things.
— OF COURSE NOT, I hate sunlight!
—You don't. You don't because I fucking use you every day at work.
—Ah ha! Except now! Your work won't let you create anythi-
—EXACTLY, DUMB ASS!! If you don't come to me in the mornings, you're gonna die. We're going to draw in the mornings. We're going to create stuff whether you like it or not. I'm not going to let you die!! I don't want you to die! I need your help.
—... I... But I'm... I'm lighten up by the moon...
—Sweetheart, I'm darkness most of the times, moonlit or not. Plus, you're not that dark anymore, what the hell are you talking about.
—Okay, I like creepy cute things, BUT I'm still goth at heart!
—That's fine, be whatever you like. But this has to change. I need to sleep and I need a routine.
Creativity screamed long and loud for a couple of minutes, in an epic, dramatic tantrum that felt like a kid being punished with not eating more candies for a week. But it eventually stopped.
—Ok... I do like the idea of drawing in the mornings. I'm still not happy, though. How are you so sure I won't tell you on Procrastination Monkey?
—C'mmon, you don't like it either.
–Yeah, I guess you're right... Promise me then you're going back to felting!
—That one I can give you at nights, before going to sleep early.
—Aw! Damn, I hate that word! You know how much I love to keep going on for hours...!
—Take it or leave it.
Creativity sighed deeply and resigned.
—FINE.
—Thank you very much. Let's go to sleep, I'm dying. I can't believe you convinced me to turn all of this decision into a metaphorical conversation!
—Hey, I was not gonna leave nights without a triumphant exit! I almost made it to 1 AM though... I guess 12:52 is not that bad.
0 notes
Polish update
Tumblr media
I'm not going to lie to y'all, I genuinely have the worst headache after trying to learn how to pronounce the polish alphabet. I audibly laughed a few times because there were so many times when I was just like what the actual fuck is going on rn.
Anyway, here is what I did today:
1. Started writing out conjugations. I've been doing the Polish Duolingo course for just over two weeks now and I've found that it's very hard to go any further without knowing the conjugations, which I'm sure is the same in any language. I know it was like that in Spanish.
Duolingo doesn't give you the conjugation tables early on, so I looked them up and wrote them out in a notebook I got at the dollar general yesterday. I haven't gotten the pink notebook yet, mostly because I never ordered it but just told myself I did to manifest doing it. I kept forgetting to actually order it lol anyway, I wrote them out. The verb byc (I know there is an accent on the c but I don't have it on my keyboard) makes a lot more sense now that I know which conjugations go where.
2. I made it to fifteen days of Duolingo.
3. I learned how to say hello and goodbye. Czesc and Do widzenia. Something about goodbye is so stimmy. I just want to say it over an over! It's my favorite word so far.
4. Got very confused with a bunch of articles talking about how polish people say no when they mean yes. Like one article said an example would be "Jesteś zainteresowany?" and then the answer would be "No, jestem..." (The article didn't end the sentence). This does happen in English, sort of.
When I was growing up in Hawaii, I formed a habit of saying "no" at the start of my sentences. Like, "No, you're so right!" Or "No, look!" It's not the same thing but it's the closest thing I can think of. I definitely have a habit of saying "No, yeah." Or "No, totally." Or "No, for sure." None of which technically make any sense but are very common amongst people my age.
Either way, the entire thing gave me a headache.
And that brings us to number 5.
5. I worked on the polish alphabet and wanted to deepthroat a broken glass liquor bottle while I tried to figure out the ins and outs of pronunciation. I found a great article that carefully explained each of the letters and sounds, especially the ones not found in English. My favorite is the fancy l with the little line through it. I like that it makes next to no sense in my brain. Like why would the w in polish be pronounced like a w in English? Of course it's the l with the little line through it 🙄✋ Polish really said never let them know ur next move, stay mysterious. Polish is just a quirky girly. She's just in a silly funky mood, and I actually love that about her.
Anyway, I learned some really cool facts about entomology in Polish. The letter J was apparently a very controversial letter until the 19th century. It was first introduced in the 16th century by a man with two J's in his name, and remained a highly contested letter until the 19th century when it was finally accepted for good. It was hated so vehemently by one it's critics (who, fun fact, had the name Jan) that it earned the nickname "Gdańsk bastard" as well as "the intruder" and "bad grammatical spirit." So, now I'm wondering if his hatred was really about the letter J or himself 😂
6. I learned while conjugating that while the Polish language has three verb tenses (past, present, and future), the English language has an astounding sixteen! I was very surprised to learn that I know all of these tenses and don't even realize it.
7. My mom came in and told me that her friend Anatol was polish and that he grew up in Warsaw. Love that for him. Immediately began to wonder if I could just soak up all his Polishness through osmosis and skip trying to remember all this by myself. Unfortunately, I cannot. He lives across the country.
8. Today, I learned the word for midnight. Północ. It is pronounced like poonots. I think. So far, I can say moon (księżyc, pronounced like shehzits) and midnight. Tomorrow, I'd like to learn the word for stars, or maybe for sky. I learned the word because today I saw a pretty black cat and realized I didn't know the Polish word for midnight.
9. Recently formally renamed my cat Milk, Mleko. She still has the name milk, but I've made her a Polish cat because I can. So now she has a Polish name. She seems to like her new Polish-American identity. Her friend is now named Kaffee, which is German but it fits.
Goals for tomorrow:
1. Continue learning about the alphabet. I'm thinking picking a letter a day and working on that. Several websites said the key to pronouncing polish correctly is learning this first. Very interesting.
2. Colors 😡 I want to know how to say purple. Not sure why but it's important. Also, I want to start being able to point out the colors around town.
3. Prepare for my first tutoring lesson on Tuesday! Tomorrow, hopefully, I'll clean off my desk and set everything up so I can enjoy tutoring next to the window with the sun shining in.
4. Make flashcards of the verb tenses and add sticky notes around the house of different items.
5. Learn one new word independently of Duolingo. Do something creative with it to memorize it.
Notes: Learning Polish is definitely harder than I ever thought it would be. Mostly because it is a very inaccessible language for someone who is not living in Poland. Since it is primarily spoken there, there aren't as many resources the way there are for Spanish, which is one of the top three languages spoken world wide.
It's sort of like trying to learn Hawaiian outside of the islands. Very hard. Or bemba, which is my father's native language. Both of those are highly centralized to one area, and there aren't many people learning them so there aren't fun little workbooks or anything.
I plan to go to the bookstore tomorrow, however. So maybe I'll find a few resources there.
Also, I remembered the word for cat today. It's not a hard one to remember lol but I was very excited that I remembered the word so easily.
That's all I've got about polski for now. Do widzenia!
0 notes
wiltingdecay · 2 years
Note
Perhaps a 1 and a 4 from the OC interview questions, for Rowan?
1. Who makes up your family?  How close are you to them?
"Um." Well, we're off to a start. One question in and he's already uncomfortable. "That's, uh... a bit of a loaded question, if I'm being honest. But I s'pose I should answer it anyway. I did agree to this, after all."
"...There's my Da. Darragh, his name was. He's dead now. Died about a year before I did, I think, so I would've been... twenty-five, maybe? Still can't quite remember. It was... sudden. Unexpected. He just keeled over while working one day and never got back up. At least, that's what Saorsh - I'll tell you about her later - said. I wasn't there when it happened. Obviously. Seeing as I hadn't been home in fifteen years at the time. I'll be honest, I haven't really unpacked how I feel about it yet. He and I weren't close, not even before I left. I know he loved me, but it was like he never really knew what to do with me, y'know? I don't think he ever really figured out how to be a father, especially not to a weird kid like me. And then, well... we had a fight. A bad one. And... he kicked me out. When I was fucking ten. Not that I'm, y'know, still hung up on that. Nothing to be done about it now. We never made up for it, y'know. After I left, we never spoke again. I wrote to him once, maybe a year before he died, but he never wrote back. His loss, I s'pose."
"Then there's my Mam, Síofra. She's... a character. Friendly enough, yeah, but very... well, she's flighty and flaky as all fuck. She left home when I was only a baby, and then I didn't meet her again until I was thirteen. I think it was more of a shock for her than it was for me. I've seen her a handful of times throughout my life, but she'd never stick around for longer than a few weeks at a time, then off she'd go, and I wouldn't see her again for years. I used to hate it, but now that I'm not so angry with her for leaving, I think I prefer it that way. We get along OK, but there's always been this awkwardness between us. Aside from looks, we're really not that alike; I never know what to say to her. We can have some nice conversations about magic, but once things inevitably circle back around to my life or the family, it gets uncomfortable again. I think part of her expects me to still be her little girl, even though I'm not little, not a girl, and certainly not hers, anymore."
"I've got a sister as well. Saoirse. Of my immediate family that's still alive, I'd say I'm closest with her. She's four years older than me - well, five years now, seeing as I lost a year - and when Mam left us she sort of took on the role of being my parent. She shouldn't have had to, she was only five for fuck's sake, but god knows Da was fucking useless, so I s'pose somebody needed to pick up the slack. All things considered, she was a great big sister. Played with me, helped me with chores, shouted at me when I was acting the dickhead... she was the most normal part of my childhood, and the thing I most regretted leaving behind. When I had to leave, I begged her to come to Vesuvia with me, but she said one of us needed to stay behind with Da. I'm sure a part of that was true, seeing as she still runs the farm now with her own family, but I've always known part of it was wanting to be her own person without having to look after me. I was angry with her for it for years, but I eventually got over myself, thank fuck. We still didn't speak much, but we'd write to each other every year for our birthdays, or whenever something big happened - like when she found out she was pregnant, or when I found out I was dying. I died not long before my niece was born, y'know, so she named her after me. Fuck, I still get teary thinking about it. Wish I could've been there when she was born. I mean, maybe I was, spiritually. Dunno what I got up to as a ghost."
"And then there's Gráinne. My auntie. God, where the fuck do I start with Gráinne? That woman was too good for this world. She was as tough and as sharp as nails, but she'd have given you the shirt off her back and never asked for anything in return. She was one of the most loving and generous souls I've ever known. Took me in no questions asked and raised me like I was her own, even though we'd never even met before then, just because I was her niece and I had nowhere else to go. She was a great teacher, too, even if she could be harsh at times; all she ever really wanted was for me to succeed, and to be happy. It wasn't just me, either - she always tried her best to do right by Asra and Muriel, too. She was doing everything she could to protect all three of us from Lucio. Worked herself to the bone keeping that stupid cunt entertained as well as running the shop, then keeping them both hidden once Muriel finally got away from the Coliseum. I could see how tired she was getting, towards the end. I did my best to help her out, but there wasn't much I could do once the Plague set in. It's been six years, but I still miss her. I just hope I've made her proud of me."
"That's everyone I'm related to, but I suppose I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Asra, after everything he's done for me. Bastard would never let me hear the end of it. No, but seriously, I don't give a shite if we don't share blood, he's still my family just as much as all of them are - if not more. Honestly, it's difficult to express how much he means to me. I think he was the first person who ever genuinely liked me. I've always felt comfortable when I'm with him, like I'm completely safe as long as he's around. We've always just clicked, you know? Like we understand one another on levels that other people don't get. We can tell whenever something's wrong just from one look, and we always somehow know what the other person needs. I'd do anything for him, and there's not much he hasn't done for me... well, except do the fucking dishes when I ask him to, apparently, but whatever. We've been friends for twenty years and two lifetimes, we've both seen the ugliest sides of each other, and he's still my favourite person in the world. Nothing's ever gonna change that."
4. What is your least favorite childhood memory?
"I would like to state for the record that I do not like these questions. But I'll answer anyway, because somehow I get the feeling that I don't actually have a choice."
"I s'pose there's two candidates for this, but... one of them isn't really my story to tell, it's more-so Asra and Muriel's. I was just... also there. So I'll go with the more obvious option. Getting kicked out when I was ten! That wasn't fun at all! Thankfully enough time has passed that I can just joke about how fucked up it all was, but that doesn't really change the fact that it was... y'know... fucked up. Long story short, my Da found out I'd been practicing magic from Mam's old spellbooks, and he wasn't pleased. Said he refused to have a cailleach for a daughter. He tried to force me to give it up, and I pretended for a while, but because I've always been a stubborn little shit that never knows when to quit, I kept it up anyway. Eventually I got caught again, and Da was raging. Won't repeat what he said or did, I don't think anyone wants to hear that. I certainly don't want to relive it. When he'd mellowed out a bit, he gave me an ultimatum. I could either be a witch or I could be his daughter, but I couldn't be both. And I chose magic. A few days later, I'm on the docks with my shitty little sack with a few clean pairs of knickers and just enough gold to get me to Vesuvia. I s'pose it was nice of the auld bastard to leave me with that much. No matter how much I cried and begged, he wouldn't change his mind. Wouldn't even look at me. Didn't even come to see me off, make sure I got on the stinking boat OK. What kind of parent just washes their hands of their own kid like that? Never understood what was going through his head back then, and now I guess I never will."
1 note · View note
heavenlyhischier · 3 years
Text
only when you're high - rafe cameron
Tumblr media
word count: 4.3k
summary: Rafe only ever talks to you when he's high, and you've eventually had enough.
warnings: angst i guess, language, mentions of drugs and alcohol, lil makeout sesh at the end
note: ik this isn't the request but i've been working on this for a while so here ya go <3 this is def not my best writing so dont judge it too harshly
3:53 a.m.
You had been dreaming about your cat taking over a world full of people with fish heads when the incessant ringing from your phone jolted you awake. You blindly flung your hand onto the nightstand, knocking over a half empty water bottle and a bottle of ibuprofen before your fingers grazed the cool screen. You picked up the device, nearly blinding yourself when you opened your eyes to see who was calling you at such an ungodly hour. Once your eyes adjusted to the screen’s brightness, the name ‘Stupid Kook’ was displayed across the top. You hesitantly swiped to answer.
“What in the flying fuck do you want,” You whisper yelled, propping your half-conscious body up with your elbow.
“Hey, baby,” He greeted, his voice dragging as if he was thinking too hard about his words. “Just wanted to hear your voice.”
You stopped breathing for a moment, not sure what you were supposed to say to his weird revelation. You had been having a weird thing with Rafe for a few months now. After many drinks, you would often finding yourself making out with him in a secluded area. Despite your random make out sessions, he had never once called you to simply hear your voice. In fact, he hadn’t even called you before. It was usually always a quick ‘wyd’ text at midnight and nothing more.
“That’s weird, you’ve never called me before,” You pointed out, “You’ve also never called me baby before, so what’s that about?”
“Mm, I don’t know. Always wanted to call you that before so why not? What are you up to, baby,” He asked, his words slurring together in a way that could only happen while under the influence.
“You’re high aren’t you,” You sighed. Of course, he was high. You should have known that from the get-go. Rafe Cameron wouldn’t have called you sober; he never even looked at you sober.
A brief silence hung over the line, Rafe’s heavy breathing being the only thing coming through the receiver. “Maybe a little. Had a rough day, so I went to see Barry and now I’m at Topper’s. Talking to you.”
You couldn’t help but let a small smile grace your features; a smile that was gone almost as soon as it came. You let your elbow fall from its position, your head falling back onto the pillow that was still warm from when you were asleep. “How sweet of you. What are you doing, anyways? Shouldn’t you be getting shitfaced and taking some innocent girl to bed?”
He let out an airy laugh before speaking. “The only one I’d like to take to bed is you, and we somehow always stop before it gets to that point. Anyways, it’s just me, Topper, and Kelce, and I started thinking about us in the back of my truck when we were outside. Before I knew what I was doing, you answered the phone.”
Your cheeks flared red as images of Rafe’s hands exploring your body flashed through your mind, the feeling of his ring on your skin igniting something inside of you. His mouth latching onto the sensitive spots of your neck as your moans filled his truck. You let your fingers ghost over your lips as if you could still feel his own on yours. More memories of him exploring your body in every way but the way you wanted him most were running through your mind. Every time you wanted to give in to him, give in to your urges, but you couldn’t.
“You know, I’ve never wanted someone as much as I want you and I hate it,” He started, his words still slow, “I hate it because you’ll never let me have you.”
“Rafe,” You groaned, running a hand over your tired face, “I don’t really feel like giving myself to someone who only talks to me when they’re drunk or high. Someone who would rather be caught dead than with a pouge.”
“You know it’s not like that, baby. It’s complicated,” He tried, and you could tell there was a hint of unfamiliar panic in his voice.
“It always is. Guess I’ll see or talk to you next time you get fucked up. Goodnight Rafe,” You whispered before hanging up on the boy, ignoring his desperate protests.
1:38 a.m.
You turned the shower water off before stepping out onto the cool tiled floor, water dripping from every part of your body. You chose to ignore the buzzing coming from your phone, moving to grab the towel hung on the back of your bathroom door. However, the buzzing started again as you were drying off your legs.
“Who the fuck,” You groaned as you wrapped the towel around your still wet body. ‘Stupid Kook’ was making a second appearance, much to your surprise. “Yes, Rafe?”
“What’s up your ass,” He laughed his infectious laugh. You could picture him throwing his head back and his glazed over eyes twinkling with amusement, something you had only seen when you found yourself admiring him from afar.
“Nothings up my ass. Just don’t know what your high ass wants this time.” You gripped your phone in your hand and started to walk back towards your room. Your parents had fallen asleep hours ago, so you had to make sure you were quiet. However, that deemed difficult in the darkest hours of the night in your already poorly lit house. You bumped your hip and stubbed your toe on just about anything that was out in the open. Once you were in your room, you hastily shut the door and flipped the light switch on.
“Hello! Hello! Hello! Where are you,” Rafe yelled, making you wince and pull the phone away from your ear.
“Jesus, dude. Calm down, I was walking back to my room,” You chastised, doing your best to hold your phone in between your ear and shoulder.
“What were you doing? I missed you,” He pouted.
You ignored the swelling you got in your heart and said, “I was leaving the bathroom. I just finished showering. What are you doing?”
You grabbed a clean pair of underwear and a shirt you had taken from JJ after you had thrown up over whatever you were wearing that night. Rafe began telling you what he was doing, which was quite literally nothing. However, he quickly dove into a spout of how you were naked and wet and how badly he wanted to see you without any clothes on. Your cheeks were burning as he went on and on about all of the sinful things he wanted to do to you. You let him ramble on a bit more as you turned the light off once you were clothed and ready for bed.
“Okay, that’s enough, Rafe,” You stopped him, pulling your blanket back so you could crawl in bed. “So, calling me two times within a week? You falling in love with me?”
It was so painfully obvious that it was a joke, but you could practically feel the tension radiating through your phone from Rafe’s end. His abrupt silence concerned you because this boy was far from silent when he was doped out.
“Maybe I am,” He finally got out, and you couldn’t detect any sarcasm in it.
“Sure you are,” You rolled your eyes, blaming exhaustion for briefly clouding your judgment, “If you were in love with me, you’d actually talk to me when you aren’t too fucked to remember your own name.”
You started picking at a loose thread on your blanket as you let your mind wander to what life would be life if you had an actual relationship with Rafe. Going to parties with him. Hanging around the Island Club with him and his friends. Him doing lines off your body before having his way with you.
“I will talk to you when I’m not high,” His voice broke you from your thoughts, “If that’s what you really want.”
“I do,” You said way too quickly, “I mean, yeah sure. That would be nice, I guess.”
“Just text me and I’ll answer.” You couldn’t stifle the yawn that escaped your lips, but you did try and hide it from Rafe. Your attempt was no good, though. “You’re tired, go to bed.”
“No, I’m fi-.”
“Goodnight, Y/N,” Rafe shouted over you, “Talk to you soon, baby.”
Rafe’s name popped up on your phone screen every few days after he had gotten drunk out of his mind or too high to do anything other than find your contact. You didn’t mind it at first, but after you had texted him during the day and those messages went unanswered, you grew hurt and annoyed. You had tried asking him why he wouldn’t respond, but he always found a way to change the subject. You wanted to ask him about it in person, but you hadn’t seen him in almost a month. You wanted to ask him why he couldn’t bother to pick up the phone when he was sober, but wasted no time in calling you as soon as he got his bump in.
One of the nights he called, you offered to have him come over because your parents were gone, but he said no. Made up some excuse about how he was staying with Topper for a while since Sarah cheated on him and he wanted to be there for his friend. You understood that, so you didn’t push him after that. Then, the next time you told him about a party everyone was going to and how you wanted to see him there. You even told him to bring the other two. That time he told you he was staying away from parties for a while, wanting to stay to himself for the most part due to the constant stress from his dad. You knew how Ward could be sometimes, so it wasn’t hard to believe him and move on from there.
You wanted to be mad to him for only acknowledging you when he was high, but you couldn’t be. You’ve always wanted to feel wanted by somebody, and he made you feel like that albeit only when he was far gone from reality. You could deal with it as long as you got to talk to him, no matter how insecure it made you. Well, you thought you could.
2:25
Your parents were gone for the night, so you opted to watch Marvel movies in the living room. You were so invested in watching Iron Man and shoving popcorn in your mouth that you didn’t feel your phone go off the first six times. Or the fifteen times after that. Not that you would have cared either way. You knew the only person it could be was the boy who never wanted you sober. The credits began rolling across the TV, so you finally decided to pick up your discarded phone. You were shocked to see Rafe had called you eight times and texted you thirteen. Overall, his texts said the same thing.
Why aren’t u answering me :(
Call me pls
I wanna talk to you baby
It was if he knew you were finally looking at your phone because his contact popped up not ten seconds later. You rolled your eyes, but reluctantly answered.
“Y/N! Where have you been,” He whined into the receiver, “I’ve been trying to call you for like two hours.”
“Watching movies,” Your words were sharp and short, not particularly wanting to talk to him right now. You’ve nearly reached your breaking point with him.
Rafe could immediately tell something was off with you by the way you sounded. “What’s wrong, baby? Are you okay?”
You took a deep breath in, setting your bowl of popcorn on the coffee table after you paused the end credit scene. You leaned forwards and planted your elbow on your knee as you held your head in annoyance.
“I’m fine, Rafe. I’m just getting fed up with you only wanting to talk to me when you’re high or drunk,” You started, “I used to be fine with it because it once every couple of weeks, but now it’s almost every day and it’s annoying. You told me to text you when you’re sober, and I did, but you never responded. I try and offer to come over to you or have you come to me, but you always have an excuse. I know you want to be there for Topper and you don’t really want to be around anyone right now, but that doesn’t mean I have to put up with it.”
“Y/N, I know, and I’m sorry. It’s just-It’s complicated. Please understand that,” He was practically begging you to listen to him.
“Rafey, are you coming back to play beer pong with us,” A female voice suddenly cut through the sudden sound of music.
Your breathing stopped and your heart felt like it was being squeezed by Rafe’s own hand. A wave of heartbreak crashed over your entire body. “‘I just don’t want to be around anyone’ huh? Thought you were just spending time with Topper for a while? You know, if you didn’t want to see me, all you had to do was say so,” You whimpered, hurt now mixing with your anger and annoyance.
“No, wait,” He tried, yelling at whoever came in the room to get out, “Y/N, please. It isn’t lik-“
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence. It is like that, Rafe. It is exactly like that. You don’t want to see me, and that is fine. I get it. Why would you ever want to be seen with someone from the Cut? It doesn’t matter, though. Don’t call me anymore. You lied to me. That is not something that I can forgive,” Your tears were too strong to hold back now, “I don’t care for liars, Rafe Cameron, and you’re the biggest one of all.”
You quickly hung up and turned off your phone, throwing it towards the end of the couch so you weren’t tempted to grab it. You grabbed the large blanket from the back of the couch, picked another movie, and let your tears fall as it played in front of you.
“Honey,” Your moms gentle voice broke through, “You fell asleep on the couch.”
You slowly opened your eyes, letting them adjust to the bright light shining through the giant window. The headache hit you like a ton of brinks, causing you to squeeze your eyes shut in pain. Your mom was hovering over you, her hand on your shoulder and her soft eyes pretending to not notice how puffy your cheeks and red your eyes are.
“I guess so,” You mumbled, pushing yourself up into a sitting position, “I’ll go lay down in my room. I’m still tired.”
She gave you an understanding nod with a caring smile and helped you off the couch. Her hand lingered on your back as if she wanted to say something to you, but she decided to leave it alone for now. You would talk to her when you were ready, if you ever were. You gave her a thumbs up when she told you her and your father would be out again most of the day.
Your feet dragged as you stumbled back to your room, using the wall to keep you steady. You pushed the door open with your foot and gave your cat, who was laying on your bed as if she owned it, a stupid smile. You fell onto the bed and pulled her onto your chest as you turned your phone back on. You were scared to confront the actions from last night, but knowing Rafe, he probably wouldn’t have bothered to even send you a text about it. You were quickly proven wrong the moment your phone turned back on. The vibration from all of the texts, voicemails, and snapchats felt like it lasted for five straight minutes. Nearly all were from the boy you wanted nothing to do with. Although, you noticed a voicemail from Topper, who you forgot even had your number.
Um, hey its Topper. Look dude, I don’t know what happened, but Rafe is freaking out like a bitch right now. He keeps mumbling shit about how he fucked things up with, which I didn’t even know you two were a thing but whatever I don’t really care. He kicked everyone out of my house and has been calling and texting you for like thirty minutes straight now so please call him back, so he shuts the fuck up. If not for him, do it for my sanity before I kill him. Uh, yeah, thanks, bye.
You sighed deeply after the voicemail cut off, your heart rate increasing at the thought of Rafe being upset. If he was bad enough that Topper of all people called you, you knew it was bad. You wanted to not care because of how he made you feel, but you did. You’ve always cared about the blond boy more than you cared to admit. You finally decided to look at the messages he sent you.
Y/N pls call me back
I’m sorry its not what it looks like and I know that sounds stupid but its true
Pls talk to me. I need u to talk to me
I promise that I never wanted to hurt u ok???
I love you, Y/N. Please call me or I’m coming to your house tomorrow.
The world stopped spinning when you read the last message. You kept reading it over and over again as if you misread it the first time. Rafe had never been any kind of affectionate with you until he called you baby. Rafe Cameron was not someone known to get emotional, so you weren’t sure if you believed his words. He was a liar and would do anything to get what he wanted, so what was different now?
You heard a knock on the door followed by your moms muffled voice, but you were too focused on the situation in front of you to notice who it was. Your eyes were glued to the screen, staring at the three words you never thought anyone other than your family and friends would say to you. The world around you was fading away, your heart feeling as if it was going to beat out of your chest as tears slid down your still puffy cheeks. You weren’t going to let him do this to you. You weren’t going to let him toy with you anymore.
“Y/N,” A deep voice dragged you out of your subconscious.
Your eyes darted over to the door and saw the last person you wanted to see. Rafe was standing there, his eyes wide and blood shot and he looked like total shit. His hair was a wild mess, nothing like its usual tamed state. You met his gaze and you wished you hadn’t. One look from him and you were puddy in his hands. One look and every thought you had about never seeing him again flew out the window.
“Hey, can we talk,” He mumbled, his bright blue eyes looking everywhere but at you. “Please.”
Not trusting your words, you gave him a swift nod and gestured to the spot next to you on your bed. You leaned to the side and placed your cat on the ground, watching as she rubbed herself all over Rafe’s leg before scampering away. His walk to your bed was painfully slow, and you wanted to tell him to hurry up, but you knew that was unreasonable.
“What do you want, Rafe,” Your voice was harsh, trying to ignore the urge to reach out to him. “What do you want to talk about? How you only use me for your own pleasure? How you only ever even look at me when you’re drunk or high? How you lied to me? Wanna talk about that?”
Your anger surprised even yourself. One second you wanted to hold him in your arms and comfort him, but then the memory of how he treated you came back and flipped a switch in your brain. You don’t know how you feel and you hate it.
“I deserve every bit of your anger,” He breathed out, letting his hand fall dangerously close to your own, “But please let me explain everything to you, okay?”
“Fine,” You gave in, “Talk.”
“Yeah, thank you, okay. I really do want to talk to you when I’m not absolutely fucked, I do. I know that it doesn’t seem like that, but its true. I just, I can’t. Every time I look at you, think about you, I hear my dads voice screaming at me that I will never be good enough for anyone. I have this thought drilled into my head every day that no matter what I do, who I am, I am just never enough. To me, you’re no exception to that. In fact, you remind me even more. Wait no.”
Rafe rubbed both of his hands over his face and tugged at his hair, afraid that he’s already fucking this up. “Rafe,” You gently spoke up, turning to grab his hands from his face. “It’s fine. Keep going.”
His eyes met yours and you could see how strained he was. There were too many emotions swirling in his eyes for you to pinpoint exactly what he was feeling. “Okay, um, okay. To me, you are way too good for me, so the only time I feel comfortable talking to you is when I’m high. I’ve never had trouble talking to any girl before, but you’re more than that to me. You’re more than just some girl to me and it scares me, so I feel like I have to be, yanno, not me. When I talk to you. I want to be with you more than I have ever wanted to be with someone in my life”
Your hand was still holding his as you let his words sink in. Him revealing how his dad truly made him feel made your heart ache for him. It made you want to grab him by the face and tell him how he is more than good enough. You wanted to let him in, but you weren’t sure if you were ready for the risk that came along with it. You’re not sure if you want all the things that came with being with Rafe Cameron. He’s followed by hurt and lies, and you do feel guilty thinking that, but it’s been proven true countless times.
“Rafe, listen to me,” You began, moving so you were straddling him and holding his face in your hands. His hands immediately came to grip your hips, and you are well aware that this was a more than compromising situation. “I understand that your father is probably the worst person we both know, but that doesn’t excuse you lying to me. I don’t know if I can trust you, no matter how much I may want to.”
You watched as tears gather in his eyes, and he was doing his best to keep them at bay. He had never felt the way he feels about you before, and he’s more than aware that his reputation precedes him. He knows that he’s done nothing more than prove how untrusting he is to you, but he wouldn’t let that stop him from trying to prove to you that he means what he’s saying.
“I know that nothing I say will fix what I’ve already done. I know that, but I can show you just how much you mean to me, if you’ll let me. We can go at your pace. Do things your way. Just, please, give me another chance to prove myself to you.”
You’re searching for any detection of a lie in his eyes, in his voice, but you come up empty. You wipe away the stray tears that broke through his wall of protection. You hesitantly placed your forehead on his, and you could hear him take in a sharp breath at the connection. Your eyes fluttered closed, your nose brushing against his as you weighed all of your options.
“Did you mean what you to me? In your last text,” You whispered, too scared to open your eyes and look at him. “Do you actually love me?”
“More than you know,” His breath was hot against your chin, and he pulled you closer into him.
You decided to take a leap, dive into something that scared you more than anything. Your lips finally met his, and Rafe wasted no time in returning the feeling. Your hands fell from his cheeks and clasped each other behind his neck, while his hands stayed placed on your hips, too scared to push you too far. You deepened the passion filled kiss by pulling him closer to you and running your tongue across his bottom lip. Rafe’s lips moved in such a sensual way that you almost didn’t know how to react. It was much different from the lust filled kisses you’ve shared in the past. You started moving your hips on top of him, an action that had him gripping your hips tighter than before.
Y/N,” Rafe breathed out after he broke away from you, “If you don’t stop, I don’t know if I can control myself.”
“Then don’t.”
i have not edited this so if you see a mistake lmk. love u
400 notes · View notes
seabass17 · 3 years
Text
All that’s left | Pt. 2
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem! Reader
A/n: So, this is... a different reader in comparison from the one in the first part but I kinda like it? Anyway, Im considering making a third part and im thinking it'll contain some smut. I used google translator so please don't judge me. Tell me what you think. Happy reading.
All that's left pt. 1
Warnings: angst, mentions of scars, swearing, implied smut?
Word count: 3.263
Summary: After moving from her life in New York, away from the Avengers and him, she finds happiness and a life that she actually enjoys, but that seems to last little when she spots the familiar jet on the roof of the building she lives in. Is she ready to face them? To face him?
Tumblr media
*Three months later*
The warm air surrounding my body made me take a deep breath and unconsciously smile. I was happy, I was free, I was whole. I was with my neighbor drinking coffee in our usual spot, which was a cafe near the main street of the place that I decided was going to become my new home.
“Продолжай рассказывать мне о своем боссе, который сводит тебя с ума” (Keep on telling me about your boss who drives you crazy) Andrei said making me laugh and shake my head.
“Не о чем говорить, он просто засранец, который дает мне слишком много работы и заставляет меня плакать” (Nothing to talk about, he's just an asshole who gives me too much work and makes me want to cry) I laughed. I had met Andrei a week after I moved in and there was an immediate connection. No, it wasn’t in a romantic one, god no, we were just really good friends that had a lot in common.
“Now now, that was not what i saw the other day when i went to pick you up from work” He said with a playful smirk plastered on his light brown face. I gasped, a fake indignant expression on my face while my hand went to my chest. He laughed loudly. “Don’t play that card, I saw you!” he added
“I don’t know what you are talking about” I said, trying to fight the smile that tried to come out but failing miserably, we both laughed.
He and I had become quite close in the little time that we had known each other. He was an American with a Russian name. He explained that his mother was from the states while his father was a russian spy, they fell in love against all odds and eventually, Andrei was brought to this world. When he was fifteen his father died and he and his mom went to America, where he finished high school and surprisingly, entered the military. He did two tours before he decided that he had enough and returned to Russia. Hence why he could speak both Russian and English fluently. As for me, I told him that I was in some sort of organization that worked for the government, and that’s why I knew russian. He believed me, thank God,  I didn’t want to talk about how I was part of the Avengers and why I left. Obviously I will tell him when the time is right and I know that he can be fully trusted.
“Oh, come on Ames, are you going to tell me that you don’t like him one bit? Not in the slightest?” he asked, smiling and I shook my head. He stayed silent for a second and stared at me, like he was considering whether he should ask me something or keep quiet. “Is it because of him?” he finally asked, watching me closely to see my reaction. I felt my stomach twist at the mention of him. Of course it was because of him, because of them, I couldn’t afford getting hurt and betrayed one more time. Andrei didn’t know his name, or theirs for that matter, so I smiled weakly and nodded.
“Yeah, I know it sounds stupid but… I just can’t afford getting hurt, not again, not anymore” I said looking at my hands.
“I understand, believe me I do” he said, his hand reaching out to hold mine. I looked up to find his brown eyes looking for mine, I saw nothing but genuine love -the friendly kind- in them. I smiled and squeezed his hand. He was going to say something but his phone rang; a notification. He withdrew his hand to look at his phone and the moment he did, people around us started getting up and running in the same direction. I looked at him confused to find him frowning at his phone.
“What is it?” i asked.
“The Avengers are here…” He said and my heart skipped a beat and my body went rigid. Andrei noticed. “What 's wrong?”. Well, there’s no use keeping him from the truth anymore.
“So, remember when I told you that I worked for an organization for the government? Okay don’t freak out and hate me but, here it goes” I took a deep breath. “That organization was called The Red Room were they trained me from a very young age to be a perfect cold-blooded killer, years later i escaped and was on the run until i got a new identification, name, address, new everything and then joined the avengers to amend the wrongs I made in the past. To my luck, it didn’t go great because it ended up breaking me the same way The Red Room did, so I left to find a fresh start and came here where I met you. Please don’t hate me” I concluded in one breath. Andrei was silent with a straight face, which was hard to read, and eventually after a few seconds that felt like an eternity and shrugged his shoulders. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN.
“Believe it or not, I've heard worse” he simply said
“Worse than finding out that your best friend is a train killer and former avenger?” i asked incredulously and he tilted his head and smirked
“US Agent mother and Russian spy father” He said. I laughed and he followed right after. “So, I'm guessing we are running away?” he asked. Say what now?
“We?” I asked, almost in shock to which he simply nodded, “You don’t think im just gonna let you go like that, please, is not that easy to get rid of me” he snorted. “And I'm supposing Amelia is not your real name either, given the fact that you ran off,” he added. Damn, he is good.
“Y/n, y/n y/l/n” I said and he slowly smiled
“Well y/n, nice to meet you, my name is Andrei Petrova” he said, extending his hand, i repeated his action with the same smile. “I’ve got to say, I like the name y/n more than Amelia '' he added and laughed. We were brought back to the matter at hand when the screaming of the people were getting louder. I snapped my head up and saw the familiar jet on the roof of the building where I was living.
“Here’s what we are going to do, I’m going to my apartment and buy us some time while you go get a car and,” i handed him my card “you are going to get all the money from my bank account. I will meet you in front of the cafe that’s two blocks away from my place”
“Are you going to be okay?” He asked with clear worry in his eyes. I smiled and nodded
“Yes, I promised. Now go” I said before he got up and ran. I sighed and went to my apartment. Was I really going to do this? After months, was I ready to face them, already knowing the truth? Well, guess I'm going to find out.
Once in the building I decided to programmed the lights to go out in 50 minutes and then I went to the elevator, wanting to appear as normal as possible even though I felt like my heart was going to explode from how fast it was beating inside my rib cage. When the elevator stopped at my floor I walked until I was standing in front of my door. I didn’t need to wait and confirm, I knew they knew I was here, now there’s only one thing left to do. But before I did anything, the door creaked open.
Tumblr media
*10 hours earlier*
Bucky paced from one side to the other, finding himself incapable of staying put. Natasha sat silently on her chair, Tony was in the front with his head in between his hands, Steve was resting on the side of the wall looking at the floor, Bruce was just standing there holding his chin analyzing everyone in the room. Sam sat on the couch looking through his phone, Vision was sitting next to Wanda on the other couch, while Clint and Thor were sitting on the other chairs. Peter had some school stuff to deal with like the teenager that he was. They’ve been looking for her for the past three months, and about a week ago, a picture was found of someone that looked exactly like her, all except her hair that was a bit shorter and the color was different, but other than that, it was practically her.
Not wanting to get their hopes -or rather enthusiasm- up, they decided to look deeper and found out that the picture was taken a month ago in the city of Magadan located in Russia. They found out that before three months, the name Amelia Agapov, didn’t exist. The more they looked into it, the more they were convinced that it was her.
“The mission report from Agent Carter arrived, should i put it on the screen?” the voice of the AI filled the room. The team had been waiting for that report for days, the nerves of the question that lingered in the air ‘was it her?’ being present for that time only grew stronger as Stark asked FRIDAY to project the report on the screen.
Pictures were shown, most of them were about this woman buying in the market, having coffee with a guy, but there was one, where her face was looking straight into the lens of the camera, and it was that picture that left the people in the room absolutely rigid. It was her.
“We found her…” Tony said in a whisper. Everybody kept their gaze on the picture on the big screen. After months looking for her, they finally had found her. To everyone, it was like someone just discovered something new, a kind of relief and anxiety all at the same time.
“Suit up, we’re going to get her” Steve said to the group, but see, it was the choice of words from Cap that Bucky found unsettling.
“Get her? Like she is some kind of criminal?” he said, looking at his best friend dead in the eye. Steve opened his mouth to say something but Tony beat him to it.
“She was trained by The Red Room to be an assassin, we can expect nothing more from her '' He said, trying to calm Bucky down, but instead it only caused him to get angrier, and not only him.
“So was I” Natasha said, her voice low that could scare anyone to the bone if they weren’t so used to her.
"It's different" Tony said
“How is it different?” Wanda said this time, “It wasn’t when you practically recluded me after I helped Ultron and tried to kill you all” she added.
Tony sighed and looked down, realizing that he might be overreacting.
“Let’s just get suit up and get on with it” Steve said, cutting the rather awkward silence that filled the room.
The avengers were suit up and on the quinjet in less that forty-five minutes, and they were in Madagan in nine hours, it took them an hour to find her building, and once they found it, Clint landed the jet on the roof and they all got out and looked for her apartment. Funny enough, it was the same number as the one she used to live in New York; 108. They waited for what seemed an eternity until they heard footsteps just outside the door. Suddenly, the air felt thick with anticipation, but Bucky couldn’t wait any longer so he crossed the living room in two steps and opened the door. She was standing there. Silence took over the entire apartment until she broke it.
“Well, are you going to move so that I can get inside my goddamn apartment Barnes?” she said expectantly. Bucky realized that he had been staring at her since he opened the door. Her hair was different, more wavy and a shade or two lighter. He moved to the side and she was able to see the rest of the team. This was going to be one hell of an evening.
Tumblr media
Breathe. In… and out…
It was hard. Fuck. Okay i can do this.
“Well isn’t this nice. All the team back together again!” I said with sarcasm dripping from every letter.
“What the hell did we ever do to you?” Steve said firmly.
“Damn, getting straight into it. That’s okay” i shrugged as I went to my room but the sound of the blasters of Tony's suit stopped me.
“Stop, don’t take another step” He said, lifting his hands and I smiled.
“Really? Well unfortunately i have to change, so i’ll leave the door open if it makes you comfortable” i said as i continued to walk to my room, and like I said, i left the door open.
“Y-you don’t have to do that, you can…” Wanda said but trailed off. I had taken my shirt off; my scars were shown.
“So, Steve” I broke the silence as I put on a black shirt, “the thing that you did wasn’t as bad as tin man over there, but you still let Hydra take me the day we took out the helicaries” i added. His face got pale and started shaking his head.
“What? No, you made it out safe, you-” He started saying but i interrupted him
“You sure? Who do you think stopped Rumlow when he tried to interfere with the exchange of the chip when you were in the helicarrier with Bucky?” He started thinking for a moment until he realized what I said fell into place. “Yeah, I took one hell of a beating, and if that wasn’t enough, I fell to the water. I fell thirty floors down, and I alone got myself out, because I didn't have anyone to cover me or have my back” i concluded.
“Your scars…” Tony said this time and i turned to him
“Yeah, thanks to you Mr. Stark” i said and he looked at me. “Doctor said that 74% of my body is covered with scars, along with one or two burns”
“You were that girl in The Red Room” Natasha said, causing me to turn my head to look at her and I smiled cynically, “You are Eliza” she finished.
“Давно не виделись с Натальей” (Long time no see Natalia) i said and she looked at me in pure surprise in her faced. That’s something coming from the famous Black Widow.
“What about the rest of us y/n?”  Sam said this time, redirecting my attention from Natasha to the rest of the group. Thor was standing there holding his hammer, Bruce was next to the fridge, Clint was by the sink, Wanda was with Vision beside the kitchen table and Bucky was by the door. They were all looking at me. I took a look at the clock, I have to leave in less than thirty minutes.
“Long story short, Clint, Bruce, Sam, Wanda and Vision are the ones that didn’t do anything, so just chill out, you are still on my good side” I smiled and waved my hand.
“Hold on, but what did I do?” Thor asked and I looked at him.
“God it really is unfair how such a little thing can cause such a big problem. The first time you came down to earth, met Jane, bla bla bla… when her stuff was under custody of shield, and you took that notebook; they blamed me. I know it may seem weird because, how? Thing is, I was undercover at that time inside Shield, so when the notebook disappeared, guess who was the one that got beaten for it. I couldn’t move from the pain.”
Thor was standing completely still.
“Lady y/n…”
“How is it possible? I was there  and never saw you” Clint interrupted Thor.
“It was before the avengers, i was on the run and a girl's gotta eat. Don’t worry, I never gave them anything. Got the money and then killed them, they were nobodies” I shrugged off.
“So, that’s all you needed to know, so if you please leave my…” I said but then he interrupted me.
“No” I would be lying if I said it didn’t send shivers down my spine at his tone, and I hate even more that he noticed it. “You’re missing one doll” Well fuck me
I turned to see him and he was walking painfully slow towards me and I was praying for my legs to not give out.
“Barnes” I simply said, thanking God and all the saints that it didn’t come out as a whimper. I took a look at the clock once more. I have to leave. Now. “Such a shame, wish you had fought for us, I would have gone through hell and back for you, Buck” his eyes were looking straight to my own and I felt like he was staring at my bare soul. In a way, he was. I smiled and I saw behind my back that the team was looking at us, we’ve never been this close, not in public anyway. I standed on my tiptoes and reached for his right ear, he instinctively reached down so it was a bit easier for me.
“If you want to know, you’ll have to find me first дорогой” (Sweetheart) I whisper. Next thing, the light went out just like I programmed it to and I slid beside Bucky to reach out to the door and to the hall. I could hear the team screaming ‘what the hell just happened’. I ran to the emergency stairs, and once out I could still feel him behind me, getting close. I went into an alley, having to detour, knowing that he eventually was going to catch up to me and I couldn't have him follow where I was really going. A few seconds later, I felt him caging me to the wall on the alley, both of us breathing heavily. His flesh hand went to my throat and his metal one rested on the wall.
“Given a different occasion, I would have loved this, don’t get me wrong, I still love how you…”
“What the hell are you doing?” he asked huskily and I smiled.
“I told you, you’ll have to wait until you find me again. Alone.” i said
“Come on Barnes, do you really think that the charade of being your personal fuck toy would last forever?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“It wasn’t like that, i…” he said but trailed off. The pain in my chest starting and clenching my heart.
“There it is…” i said lowly, the hurt in my voice evident, “listen, i’d love to keep talking about how you used me, but like i said,” i got close to his face, my nose touching his, “find me to found out” after that,  I raised my knee kicking him right in between his legs.
He let out a pained groan and fell to the floor, causing his grip in my neck to give out. I took advantage and ran. Two blocks away, I saw Andrei. When he saw me running to him, he immediately got in the car and turned the engine on, then I got in.
“Drive, fast” it was the first thing i said
“Where?” he asked while we took off. I smiled and looked at him
“You’ll see”
-
-
-
Taglist
@silentkiller2374 @vikingqueenlove @girlfriday007 @supraveng
141 notes · View notes
angellesword · 3 years
Text
MAGIC SHOP | JJK (02)
Tumblr media
Description: You and Jungkook were best friends who were in love with each other. What would happen when Soojin, your half sister who you’re trying to impress, told you she’s in love with Jungkook too?
Alternatively,
“Would you believe me if I said that I was scared of everything too?”
Genre: childhood best friends to lovers, family drama, angst, fluff, slow burn, pining, slice of life au.
Pairing: Architect!Jungkook x Architect!Reader
Word Count: 3k
Warnings/Note: child abuse (physical and psychological/emotional violence) , psychological manipulation, infidelity.
SERIES: CHAPTER 1 | CHAPTER 3
Tumblr media
Your relationship with your father used to be a secret.
You were an illegitimate child and your mother was a mistress. Taemin obviously didn’t want the world to know about his dirty secret.
So he hid you.
He hid you from his wife and your siblings.
"Mom, is dad coming?" Seven year-old you asked. This was the question you uttered once a year.
Your father was never late with any of his appointments with you. He would always show up on time, sometimes earlier. But there's always that one day of the year wherein he was either hours late or he wouldn't come at all.
That day was your birthday.
You were four years old when your mother made you understand that Taemin couldn't stay at your house since he was busy with work. You didn't question this even though you wanted to know why.
Why couldn't he stay for more than an hour a day? Why didn't he kiss your mother or tell her he loved her just like what you saw husbands did in children's books and movies?
"He's not coming because he doesn't love us. He doesn't love you." Your mother was glaring at you as if it was your fault your father couldn't come to your own birthday party.
Everything was prepared according to his liking, even the food she cooked were his favorites. It was your natal day but it looked like your mother wanted to please somebody else.
It was never about you.
"That's not true! Dad said he loves me the most! I'm his princess—"
"Enough!" She slapped you right across the face, your cheek instantly turning red.
Your eyes brimmed with tears. You also didn't understand why your mother always acted so hostile. What did you do to make her hate you this much?
You followed everything she said. You didn't like sketching but your mother forced you to do it. She kept saying that you needed to be good at it so you could beat Sin-ae's daughter.
You didn't know it that time but your mom was actually referring to Soojin. The latter was a prodigy when it came to drawing. Your mother wanted you to surpass Soojin's talent since it was the only way to become the best architect.
She was wrong though. Being able to draw beautifully wasn't the key to succeeding in the mention field. It was only a bonus.
"You have to be the best if you want your father to stay with us. Do you understand, huh? Be a good girl so your father wouldn't have to look at Sin-ae's daughter." She caressed your cheek after slapping you.
"You can do it, baby girl. You are my leverage."
You were. Your father couldn't leave his obsessive mistress because of you. Your father loved you and didn't want to abandon you, but most importantly, he didn't want Sin-ae to know that you existed.
Your mother threatened Taemin that she would expose his infidelity if he tried to abscond from his responsibilities to you.
Taemin was a powerful person, unfortunately he couldn't control your mother. She was richer and stronger than him.
Your mother's only weakness was the love she claimed she felt for your father.
At this point, you didn't know if it was love. Did she really love your father or was she just lonely?
Was your mother scared to be alone? Just like you?
"I'm not going to leave you." You remembered seven year-old Jungkook's promise to you.
You were six when you first met little Jeon. He was the son of Jong-in, another influential architect.
Taemin and Jong-in were best friends. The latter was the only person who knew about your father's secret.
Jong-in knew you. He knew your mother as well. You lived in a small world after all. Jong-in and Taemin built Castle Architectural firm. Your mother was one of their investors.
She saw the potential of Architect Kim and Jeon, but it didn't end with that.
Your mother didn't just see Kim Taemin's potential. She also saw a future with him. She acted based on desire, ignoring the fact that Taemin was already a married man with three children.
Taemin didn't seem to mind the advances of your mother. In fact, he seemed to like it. Because if he didn't, then why were you existing?
Why did he fuck a baby into her?
He wanted this to happen as much as your mother did.
And now, they weren't the only one paying for the price.
You were paying too.
You were suffering because of them. You suffered abuse from your mother and at a very young age, you came to realize that people, no matter how many times they assured you they loved you, would still end up hurting you and breaking the promise they made.
"You are!" This was your response to Jungkook when he said that he wasn't going to leave you.
You two were seven years olds. What did you know about promises and keeping them? You drilled it in your head that Jungkook was just like your father. He would end up breaking his promise.
He was going to leave you too.
"You're a liar, just like my dad!" Tears cascaded down your cheeks.
You were very upset. Your father promised to take you to an amusement park, a simple way to make it up to you for not being able to attend your birthday party. Again.
The promise was made yesterday. Taemin told you to wear your favorite onesie because you were going to Lotte World with him and Jungkook.
Taemin was true to his words. You were at Lotte World with Jungkook, wearing your favorite onesie. However, the adult accompanying you was not your father.
Taemin said he had to work so he sent a nanny to look after you and your best friend.
You found it stupid and annoying. You wanted to spend time with your father. You missed him so much. He hadn't been home for weeks now.
"He keeps saying things he doesn't mean!" You sobbed, continuing your rant.
Jungkook was only staring at you using those innocent eyes. He felt bad. His little heart was shattering.
"I hate him! He doesn't love me!" You were slowly believing what your mother told you.
Were you hard to love because you weren't good enough?
"He doesn't love me." You said again and again. "I'm not a good girl. He doesn't love me—"
Jungkook pulled you into an embrace, cutting your absurd thought.
"That's not true. I love you.." His voice sounded genuine.
You sobbed once more, breaking the hug.
"Really?" The thing about kids was that they were easy to reassure. Buy them an ice cream and voila! They’re okay again.
Jungkook didn't give you an ice cream but you believed him. You guessed you love him too, and also because the stars in his eyes were enough to make you believe that he would never ever leave you.
Nineteen years later, Jungkook was still keeping his promise.
He stayed with you through thick and thin.
"We are baking cake today, Tiger." Jungkook announced.
He sometimes called you Tiger, when you asked him why, he simply said 'because I can.'
You stopped questioning his reasons a long time ago; however, you couldn't stop yourself today.
"Bake a cake? Why?" You creased your forehead.
"Because I want to." Was his answer once again, causing you to roll your eyes.
Why did you even ask?
"Do you know how to bake a cake?"
"Nope," he grinned. "But it won't hurt to try. I've read before that baking is a good way to relieve stress..."
Jungkook brought out an apron from the kitchen cabinet and then he went near you, carefully helping you to put on the garment.
He was standing in front you, buckling the D-ring neck that was on the apron. After that, he pulled you closer, your head hitting his chest.
Jungkook encircled his arms around your waist, reaching for the strap behind you as he expertly tied it.
"I can do it, Kook," you slightly pushed him away, chuckling.
He grinned at you.
"I know...but I want to help you."
Of course he did. Jungkook had always been thoughtful and kind. This was why he invited you to his apartment.
You had been staying with him since yesterday. Today was Saturday. You slept here last night. Jungkook didn't mind. He had a spare room and even if he didn't, he wouldn't mind you staying over.
He could always sleep on the floor.
Jungkook was used to sleeping in the same room as you anyway. You used to live in the same house together.
When Jungkook's father died, he officially became an orphan at the age of fifteen. His mother died giving birth to him so no one would look after him now.
All of his relatives were living abroad, this was why Taemin decided to adopt him. Jungkook didn't change his last name. He was still a Jeon. Taemin was simply his legal guardian.
Sin-ae didn't mind that there was an additional member of the family. She could never deny Jungkook since she also treated Jong-in as a dear friend. Besides, the Kims didn't have to worry about the increase of their expenses.
Jungkook was the only heir of Jong-in. The former would inherit his father's share at Castle. Taemin was Jungkook’s fiduciary guardian. He gave Jungkook his share as soon as he reached eighteen.
Jungkook tried to compensate Taemin but the latter didn't accept the money. Instead, he urged Jeonguk to work at Castle as soon as he graduated college.
Your best friend agreed. He could never say no to Taemin. He even stayed at the Kims' mansion despite having the ability to live on his own.
Taemin asked him to stay as per Soojin's request, but two months ago, Jungkook finally moved out of the house because Kim Taehyung, the third born son of Taemin, went back to Seoul after studying and working in New York for years.
"You wanna try baking banana chocolate chip cake? I have all the ingredients here," Jungkook was waiting for you to answer.
You shrugged nonchalantly, helping him prepare.
"Fine by me."
Jungkook asked you to prepare the wet ingredients while he took care of the dry ones.
"You think this is enough?" He was sifting flour.
You coughed.
"Kook! What the hell?" You covered your nose because he was tapping the strainer grimly.
"Oopss..." His lips curled up. "Sorry!"
He wasn't sorry. Not at all. You could tell he was doing this on purpose because instead of stopping, he only used more force while tapping the strainer.
"You ass!" Gritting your teeth, you grabbed a handful of flour from the bowl and started throwing it at Jungkook.
He stopped sifting the flour, eyes widening because of what you did.
"I-It's your fault! You're pissing me off!" You stammered.
You were supposed to be mad at him, but it was you who felt shiver running down your spine when he just stared at you.
Was he mad? Was throwing a handful of flour on his face uncalled for?
"I'm sorry—what the fuck." You hissed when Jungkook also threw flour on your face.
You ended up squinting and coughing because the powder went to your eyes and mouth. It tasted like shit.
"Jeon Jungkook!" You were so annoyed you threw flour at him again.
Jungkook bursted into laughter, clearly having fun.
You two ended up having flour fight—if this was even a thing.
You had to admit that though annoyed, you couldn't help the smile gracing your lips. You liked playing with Jungkook to the point that you didn't want to stop.
You were only forced to end the fight when someone banged on his door.
"Jungkook! Open up!"
Soojin.
You were certain she was on the other side of the door.
"Is that Soojin?" Jungkook furrowed his brow, the smile on his lips was slowly disappearing.
"Yeah. I think so..."
"Huh." He furrowed his brow more. "Did you invite her?"
You shook your head.
Jungkook shrugged. "Okay. I'll ask what she wants. Stay here..."
You nodded, frantically running towards the sink so you could wash your face.
You didn't know why your heart was beating fast or why you felt as if you had done something you shouldn't have.
Maybe you had.
It was the only reasonable explanation why Soojin was glaring at you, her jaw tensed because of annoyance.
"What the hell were you two doing? I've been banging the door for so long! Didn't you hear me!?" This was the first thing Soojin said the moment she took a step in Jungkook's kitchen.
She didn't like that you and Jungkook were staying under the same roof.
"I'm sorry." You bit your lower lip, trailing off.
You didn't know what else to say. You knew your sister. Her question was rhetorical. She would only get madder if you tried to reason out.
When she was pissed, all you had to do was shut up and take the shit she would give you.
"The door is literally a few steps away! I don't understand why you can't hear me!"
Soojin continued to rant as you watched Jungkook enter the kitchen. He instantly stopped your sister's mean remarks because he could feel that it was making you uncomfortable.
"Let it go, Soojin. We apologized, didn't we?"
But Soojin just scoffed. She was about to speak again; however, Jungkook cut her off.
"There's an apron in the cabinet. Wear it if you want to join us..."
You were surprised when Soojin didn't protest. Rolling her eyes, she stomped towards the hanging cabinet to get an apron.
"What are we making?" Soojin crossed her arms.
"Banana chocolate chip cake." You simply said.
Soojin nodded, refusing to look at you.
"I'll mash the bananas." When she said this, you were expecting her to peel the bananas and use a fork to mash them.
Soojin didn't do any of this. Instead, she threw the bananas in the trash bin.
"What? The bananas are overripe." She reasoned out when you and Jungkook groaned.
"It doesn't matter. We can still use—"
"I said I don't want overripe bananas!” It was her turn to cut what Jungkook was saying.
"There's a grocery store across the street. Go buy some bananas, Jungkook."
It was hard to fight Soojin. She would just continue insisting what she wanted until you relented.
Jungkook didn't have a choice but to follow your sister, leaving you in the kitchen with Soojin.
You were thinking how to break the ice when your sister suddenly spoke.
"You didn't go home last night..."
You stopped weighing the butter, your heart skipping a beat.
"Yeah. I stayed the night here..."
Soojin clenched her jaw and you wondered if you should have lied instead. It looked like she didn't like your answer.
"You know, dad asked where you are and I told him you were in your room, working..."
Silence.
"I told him not to disturb you. You're obviously still moping because of what happened yesterday..."
You didn't know what to say. You knew you should be thanking her. Your father was strict. Jungkook was a friend, yes, but Taemin would go feral knowing that you were out here, doing God knows what with a boy when you should be in your own room, working and fixing your mistakes.
"I covered for you because I care about your feelings." She scoffed once again. "But it turns out you don't care about what I feel, huh?"
"Soojin..." You called. "What are you talking about?"
Why was she getting mad at you? You covered for her countless times! Meanwhile she only did the same for you once.
"I'm saying I like Jungkook, sister." She confessed, emphasizing the word 'sister.'
Your heart sank, face growing pale.
"Y-You like...Jungkook?" Saying this felt like a stab in your chest.
"I've been in love with him since we were sixteen. I tried telling him how I feel but I can't do it because of you." The way she said this made you feel like it was your fault.
"Me?" You blinked, shocked.
"Yes. You..." She inhaled deeply, like she was trying hard to stop herself from lashing out on you.
"You were always with him. I can't find the perfect opportunity to tell him the truth because I feel like you're preventing me!"
"Soojin..." You tried to reach for her hand but she swatted it away.
She was upset.
"I'm sorry..." You apologized. You honestly had no idea why you're saying sorry.
You guessed you felt bad.
She was right. You were always with Jungkook, always monopolizing his time that you didn't realize that you were hurting Soojin—preventing her happiness.
"I don't need your sorry. I need you to stay away from Jungkook for a while. Can you do that, huh? Will you let your sister confess first?" Just a few breaths ago, she was swatting your hand away, but now, she was taking it, gently stroking the back of your hand.
"Please? I'm not saying that you should stop being friends with him. I get it. You met him first. You were friends before I came into his life....but please, please give us time and space. I really, really like Jungkook..."
Soojin was looking at you as though she would die if you didn't say yes.
So yes.
You said "Yes. I won’t stop you from telling him how you feel..." just to make her happy.
Soojin's happiness mattered to you.
You could live without Jungkook for a while.
She couldn't. She had waited long enough.
It was her time to be with him.
You were allowing this.
You were allowing her to be happy with your best friend.
"Yay!" Soojin embraced you. "Thank you, sister!"
You smiled and hugged her back, reminding yourself that you made the right choice.
After all, it should always be family first, right?
169 notes · View notes
lov3nerdstuff · 2 years
Note
Hi Kay!
I just wanted to take a moment and say how deeply moving (and overall comforting) I find your writing to be! I've gone through almost the entirety of your masterlist twice in the past month alone and have found myself returning more often to the pieces of literature/poems your reference sometimes. (Especially that one poem by Benedict Smith! I've read a few more by him because of you and they're just wonderfully lovely 💛 so I'm eternally thankful to you for including it.)
I may be wrong in assuming, but I believe you may have studied/are currently studying a degree involving literature. I hope this isn't too foreward of me but I was wandering if you have any other works of literature that you'd recommend? (I'd love to read anything you recommend from poems to plays 💛) I'm slightly embaressed to say but the works I've read are quite limited to a highschool level and since I'm currently studying Pharmacy, there are very few people who can recommend me such moving works. :)
I also feel like I should apologise for writing such a large ask, so please accept this apology as well hehe 💕🥺
Sincerely,
Bek 🌻
Hey there Bek 💚💕✨
First of all... I'm incredibly sorry for how long it took me to reply to this ask, I know you sent it weeks ago and I'm honestly just ashamed of myself for only replying now! I've been taking a bit of a Tumblr break again, or rather a break from literally everything, and I guess not having written anything in a while made me feel guilty whenever I opened Tumblr, so... All I can say for myself really is that I'm sorry you had to wait so long! Again, I never ever ignore anyone, I promise! It just sometimes takes a while for me to reply 😅🙈
Now, I'm so happy to hear that you've been enjoying my writing! 🥺🥰 Hearing that it's comforting and inspiring to you is honestly such a relief and indeed does make me happy more than I can say 💚 It's so cool that you're checking up on all the references I make aaahhh 🥺🥺🥺 I love it 😁 You're always more than welcome, love! I don't think I could stop including references to literature, culture, history and the science around it even if I tried 😅☺️
And yeah, I did study classics and newer literature as a minor for my undergrad degree 😄 But tbh I still work with literally a lot even now (I'm in grad school for media and cultural studies) even though it's technically not something I've been properly taught ☺️ I'm just a nerd who likes to learn on her own, and with media and culture you can pretty much delve into almost anything you want 😂😅🤷🏻‍♀️
Now, it's not forward at all to ask me for literature recommendations! 😁😃 I truly love recommending stuff!!! I have a few up my sleeve, even though you've probably heard of a few already, for obvious reasons: A lot of what I truly enjoyed reading was something Tom Hiddleston has worked on in one way or another! It's truly a magnificent guideline for picking new literature... Just look up the literary origins of his films/shows/plays and you will be in for quality literature most of the time! I don't think I've ever mentioned it on here, but me reading High-Rise (JG Ballard) because I heard Tom would be partaking in the film adaptation was actually what sparked my love and passion for literature!!! Yep, it's that good. Now on to the recommendations though 😁(This... got rather long):
Plays
Anything by Harold Pinter really, but for obvious reasons you'll find a lot of additionally fun stuff for Betrayal, which is lovely and truly funny if you're in on the kind of humour btw
Medea by Euripides (a classic, but I love it nonetheless... You can find translations in almost every language) ((and pls stay away from Seneca's Medea, because ugh... Euripides is far better AND the og story, as much as anyone can say that for Greek mythology)
La Bohème by Puccini (I know, this is technically an opera, but if you read the libretto it's honestly just like a play... And if you're up for it, the og story is in prose and written by Henri Murger... It's better than the opera, but oftentimes more difficult to find) ((this one is hilarious and basically explains an entire cultural subgroup in the 19th century)
Faust by Goethe (many people hate it, but I LOVE this one!!! It's also been translated into any and every language, and it's so interesting philosophically!!! It's also referenced SO freaking often literally everywhere, and the operas and ballets based on it are always my fave) ((there's technically Faust I and Faust II, but you're good to go just reading the first one)
Anything by Shakespeare, obviously... Though I do love me my Hamlet like every other literature enthusiast (Yes, I can do that one famous soliloquy in act 3 scene 1 by heart as well...)
Poetry
Again, anything Shakespeare for the win, but I LOVE the sonnets and keep a copy of them with me most of the time (Yes, I own multiple copies of the sonnets...) ((My faves are 116 and 91, but there's always so much truth to be found in there!!!))
A lot of the stuff William Blake wrote is amazing, though you have to pick carefully with him if certain religious motives aren't your thing... I love The Tyger, which is an individual poem, and the collection of works called Tyger, Tyger which does have many good ones and a few ones that are a little more on the mediocre side
Do not go gentle into that good night by Dylan Thomas (I know this one by heart as well... It's beautiful, and there's a version of Hiddleston reading it on YouTube, which gives you even more goosebumps than the poem does anyway)
Invictus by William Ernest Henley (same for this one, also read by the one and only) ((I love to read this when I'm feeling down or powerless))
The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T. S. Eliot (This is another wow piece with many quotable lines and truths... I love it a lot and keep coming back to it! It's also a great example of how literary modernism tried to condense the complexity and passing of time and history into a single frame that had to be intrinsically poetical in nature... As in, this poem could've been a short story in any other period, but modernists loved to make everything a poem so here you go)
Der Zauberlehrling by Goethe (This one sucks in all English translations I’ve found, poetically speaking, but in German it’s such a fun piece! If you’ve ever seen the Disney ‘The Sorcerer’s Apprentice’ with Mickey Mouse or listened to the orchestral piece by Paul Dukas, then this poem proves very useful in truly understanding either! But again, the English translation should only be taken for informational value... The German one is also worded hilariously)
Prose
Short edited by Alan Ziegler (This is a collection of short prose forms that honestly is a must for me... I love this book to pieces and have had it for years now! It’s an international anthology, so you’ll find more and less famous authors from all around the world represented with short stories, prose poems, short essays and just curious and interesting snippets of writing! I draw a lot of inspiration from this book)
High-Rise by JG Ballard (As mentioned above, I owe this book part of my personality... I don’t think I would be the same person without having read it. It’s not necessarily full of wisdom, but if you’re interested in a different kind of portrayal of the human condition, then this is the read you need to take a look at)
The City of Dreaming Books by Walter Moers (This is another piece that changed my perception of literature, even though this is a more ordinary and ‘fun’-value read... It’s one of my favourite books and it’s endlessly entertaining! So if the classics are a bit heavy for you, this one is perfect for casual readers as well! Its value really does lie more in the realisation of how fun literature can be, and the freedom you have as an author... So really, I could recommend everything by Moers, his style is amazing both in the German original and in the English translation. Yes, I’ve read both.)
Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett (This is comedic gold, stylistic gold and generally a bloody perfect book. Also a ‘fun’-value read, but it also does a magnificent job at showing you what you can do with literature, and how well-developed characters are supposed to be written)
The Penguin Book of the Undead (Penguin Classics) edited by Scott G. Bruce (This book is basically an education on fifteen hundred years of supernatural encounters and how culture wrote, used and perceived them. You get introductory texts for different periods and social groups, explaining how and why ghost stories were written and used, followed by passages of the prime source texts (eg. ancient necromancy shown on The Odyssey). Really, this book is just for cultural history nerds)
The Earthquake in Chile by Kleist (This isn’t necessarily one of my faves, but it has helped me understand what studying literature and culture can do for you. In case anyone remembers my insistence in Wicked Game that you gotta know what a pomegranate symbolises... this novella is such an instance where this knowledge would prove useful. Generally, it gives many opportunities to think about privilege and circumstance)
The Symposium by Plato (You’ll probably not want to read the entire collection of speeches tbh... But the concepts introduced mainly here and in some of Plato’s other work are well worth looking into! For example, the ‘double being’ introduces a concept that in modern fiction is called soulmates... Just sayin’)
31 notes · View notes
mariesdameron · 3 years
Text
Sophie & Sackler Chapter Nine: I won't give up on you.
CW: Mental Health (Anxiety, panic attacks, depression, self negative talk) Morning Sickness associated with pregnancy, pregnancy, infertility issues, doctor's office, blood, wound, stitches, prescription medication, mention of potential miscarriage, medical termination, arguing. (It's worth the read, I promise)
WC: 4 674
AN: It was so refreshing to visit these two again. I am sorry for anyone following the series for the very long delay in Chapter Nine. I appreciate your continued love and support for me and Sophie and Sackler.
Read on Ao3
Sophie & Sackler Masterlist
Tumblr media
Two pink lines are all it takes to change your entire life--two pink lines. Sophie stared at the three discarded pregnancy tests still peeking out from the trash can. After the first one, she knew that she was pregnant, but anxiety spurred her to take two more.
She had been puking for the last week. Soul-sucking exhaustion had plagued her, and when her period didn't show, it was settled. Sophie curled herself into a ball. Getting pregnant was not something that could happen for her, or so the doctors had informed her for the last fifteen years of her life. It was destined to fail. It wasn't worth speaking about.
Sophie argued with herself, gazing at the bathroom tiles. She wouldn't need to do anything about it. She could go to the clinic herself instead of waiting around for the inevitable. Adam did not have to know. Teardrops spilled off her chin. They had spoken about it once, only once.
Sophie remembered when she dumped the bomb on Adam pretty early in the relationship. She tore it off like a band-aid. She couldn't have children. He needed to know; she couldn't have him imagining an impossible future together. Finally, after a few minutes of silence, Adam marched to her, dropped to his knees, and professed how much he loved her before crushing her to him.
Sophie clambered around the floor, looking for her cellphone. Dialing Sam’s phone number. The voicemail picked up, provoking a guttural scream from Sophie's breast. She needed Adam. Adam would tell her it was okay that they would deal with it together. Sophie gazed down at her cell lock screen. Adam's toothy grin begged her to call.
Sophie closed her eyes; her thoughts jumbled. She envisioned the expression on his face when he eventually learned the news. Joy would radiate over him before Sophie would grind him up with the reality of it all. She would miscarry. Sophie abandoned her phone on the floor before turning to vomit.
- - - - - -
Sophie had tried to tell Adam since she discovered the news. She had dialed his cellphone at least a hundred times and hung up before it rang. She resolved to wait. Wait until he came home, and she could sit down and do it face to face. He merited to have the discussion in person.
Sophie picked at her Blueberry Muffin as Sam sat across from her, sipping her coffee. Sam had been spending an extra amount of time with her over the last couple of weeks, thankfully.
"Do you want to go over the plan again?" Sam questioned, biting down on her lip as she studied Sophie's face. Sophie shook her head, tasting the Blueberries starting to come back up her throat.
"No. It's fine. I got it." Sophie pushed away the muffin. Sam looked doubtful.
"Well, I think it's best to just do it like we planned. Like we talked about. It's best to just put it out there right away. Don't let it fester. I mean, I get why you wanted to wait until he got home but remember he may be pissed that you waited three weeks after the fact to say anything." Sophie bit her lip. She didn't need to rehash this again. She had already decided that she would tell him his first night home. No, turning back now.
"Look, I got it. I will let him unpack. I ordered our favorite Chinese take out and once he's done with his spring roll. I will tell him." Sam rolled her eyes.
"Well, at least you still are maintaining your sarcasm." Sam peered down at her cellphone and groaned. "Alright, well, I need to get going. I really hate that I am leaving this weekend. Couldn't he have come home last weekend? For fuck's sake." Sam was in her cousin's wedding and committed to going away for the weekend. It just so happened to perfectly align with Adam's return from Los Angeles. Sam stood, grabbing Sophie by the shoulders. She squeezed Sophie to her chest. "You are going to be okay. Adam loves you. He will understand." Sophie nodded, wetting Sam's blouse.
"I know. I know." Sophie cleared her throat as Sam kissed her forehead.
"Call, text, whatever. And worst-case scenario, I can jet back right after the ceremony. But it will be fine." Sam smoothed Sophie's hair back from her face. "I promise." Sophie smiled weakly at her friend.
"Everything is going to be fine."
- - - - - -
The Chinese food was splayed out over the coffee table. Sophie had ordered all of Adam's favorites. Pacing in front of the couch, she ran her hands down her sides. She should be happy. Adam had been away for a while, deterred to Los Angeles after his big Sundance premiere.
She depressingly had kept the conversations brief. She knew that if there were longer, he would know something was up. But, instead, Adam was nothing but attentive and attuned to her and her moods. She missed him horribly. Holding onto this news broke her; she tried to address things with her therapist but canceled at the last minute. Acknowledging the truth was too hard. The only person who knew was Sam, and it was out of pure necessity.
Sophie looked at her cellphone. He was already in the city and would be arriving at any minute. She had to get it together. She couldn't meltdown as soon as he walked through the door. Adam didn't deserve this, he didn't. He didn't need the extra stress, his entire life was changing and for the greater. Sophie was only going to be the anchor that held him back.
Shaking her head at her thoughts, she stared at the picture frame on the bookshelf. It was her favorite picture of them. Sophie had tried to get both of their faces in camera view while Adam licked her face like the puppy he was. Then, like magic, she detected him at the door. On command, she was emotional as Adam entered. His bag in hand, luggage hauling behind him, and a bouquet of wildflowers balancing under his chin.
"Kid!" He shouted and dumped everything to the floor, moving to her in giant strides. Adam scooped Sophie into a firm embrace. "I fucking missed you so much." Adam murmured into Sophie's hair. "I felt like a little kid on the way here. Like it was fucking Christmas morning or something." Adam let go of her long enough to caress her face before drawing her back into a kiss.
Everything dissolved--only Adam existed. They broke from their embrace, gasping. Adam's eyes dilated, cheeks crimsoned. "I am never leaving the apartment again." He said breathlessly with a smirk that pierced Sophie's heart. Sophie ran her hands through his black mane.
"You cut your hair?" She said, hushed, allowing the silky strands to slip effortlessly through her fingers. Adam beamed, grazing kisses on her temples and cheeks.
"Yeah, my agent thought it was time to change up my look for some upcoming potential projects." He touched his lips back to hers before pretending to sulk. "Do you not like it?" Sophie shook her head.
"I love it." She purred as she sank her face into his chest, breathing him in. She nearly could let go of the panic that was building inside of her. Finding comfort in her safe harbor. Adam caged Sophie to his breast, touching his lips to her brow.
"Fuck, I really really missed you. I feel like we've hardly spoken." Adam wandered over to the living room set up. Grinning, he let go of Sophie. "I see you have laid out a mighty banquet for my return. I couldn't have planned anything more satisfying than this." Putting up his hands, he dashed to the door, plucking up the flowers he had abandoned. "For you, my lady." He bowed slightly before presenting the colorful array of perennials. Sophie swallowed down the guilt welling in her throat. He was perfect. Honestly, he was. Sophie fixed a smile and shuffled to the kitchen to find a vase. Adam thrust off his shoes and plopped down onto the couch.
"Man, I've been craving --- Lo Mein. Los Angeles is nothing compared to New York." Shoving a crab Rangoon in his mouth, he fiddled with the containers. Sophie stood in front of the sink, watching the water run. Did she have to tell him tonight? She could wait. A few days would not make a difference, not in terms of biology anyways. Instinctively her hand went to her stomach, and she sensed the urgency to be sick. How was she going to explain the constant puking? Before she grasped what was transpiring, her blood was dripping onto the stainless steel. Gazing down at the glass pieces from the vase, she distinguished Adam's muted voice next to her before her senses returned.
"Kid! Kid! What did you do?" Adam cautiously drew her hands back, examining the deep gash on her hand. " That's gonna need stitches, baby." Then, clutching the roll of paper towels, Adam wrapped up her wound. Sophie stood confused at her own carelessness.
It would have been entertaining to watch Adam work a smartphone app, however, Sophie's mind remained unable to manifest words. Her mental dissociation was in full swing, the weight of her mind dragging her through mechanical motions. Attempting to make sense of the scene, Adam led her to the door as he typed into his phone.
- - - -
Sophie sat on the end of the hospital bed. The white starkness of the room was effectively raising Sophie's anxiety, along with following her boyfriend's pacing in front of her.
"Adam, please just sit down... PLEASE." Sophie sounded slightly more forceful than intended. Adam froze and stared at her, face drained of blood. Sophie recognized that he was panicked. This was definitely not the way she desired to spend his first night home. Before Adam could speak, the Doctor strolled into the examination room. “Sophie, I am Dr. Davis.” He observed Adam, who stood fidgeting in the corner. Finally, Adam cleared his throat and stepped forward, taking the Doctor's hand.
"Adam, Sackler. Boyfriend." Dr. Davis nodded in understanding as he lifted Sophie's bandaged hand.
"Well, it was a sizeable gash, and you will need stitches, which we will be applying soon.” Dr. Davis flipped through her chart. "Is there anything else we should know about before I get started on your stitches? For example, are you allergic to anything that may not be noted on your chart?"
Sophie shook her head no, glimpsing over at Adam, who remained in the corner. His face troubled as he regarded the Doctor removing the bandaging. Sophie's mind raced. Was pregnancy something she had to tell the Doctor? This is not the fucking way Adam needed to find out that she was pregnant. Sophie's heart began racing, and the Doctor certainly took notice.
"It's alright; it will be over sooner than you think." He said, patting Sophie gently. Adam exhaled before scooting closer to them.
"I am right here, kid." His voice shaky, but his jaw locked tightly. Her chest throbbed. He didn't justify this bullshit. How could she be so stupid? How could she be so careless? Ruining his first night, becoming pregnant. She had always been so careful. She was on birth control. They didn't always use a condom, but the frequency was low. Doctor Davis stood interrupting Sophie's thoughts. He was finished. He analyzed her face before speaking.
"How are you feeling, Sophie? I saw in your chart that you were on a couple of psychiatric medications. I can bring in the nurse for something to ease the panic?" Sophie's eyes flew to Adam.
She avoided talking about her mental illness around him. She knew he didn't judge her or care, but she wanted desperately to keep it away from him. Sophie shrugged her shoulders. Doctor Davis acknowledged. "I am going to send her in with something. Xanax, I saw marked for emergency usage. I will send her in with a low dose. Just to help take the edge off.” Sophie bit her lip and accepted.
Adam slid next to her, immediately rubbing her back in comfort when they were alone. Sophie closed her eyes. She had to tell him. Adam tugged her tight to him.
"Kid, it's okay. You are all sewed up. No big deal. We will be back to the apartment, devouring our spring rolls soon." Turning, she studied his sweet freckled face that never ceased to make her heart ache.
"Adam...I have to tell you something." Sophie stuttered, the keen stabbing dread seizing her chest. Adam sympathetically leaned in and swept a kiss to her face.
"Kid, you didn't ruin my night. I know you are worried about it. I promise all I wanted is to see you." He reflected. "I mean, I didn't want to watch you gash your fucking hand open, but it's fine." He relaxed his head on Sophie's shoulder. The nurse cleared her throat as she entered. Sophie's nails burrowed into her palms as she observed the nurse move around her supplies.
"I am Minda; the Doctor thinks a small dose of Xanax would be helpful after looking over your medical history. Don't worry." The oxygen seeped from the room. Sophie couldn't breathe. "Xanax is deemed safe throughout pregnancy."
Inhaling faster, the nurse interrupted what she was doing and examined Sophie. "Deep breaths. The Doctor also wanted me to ask if you were interested in an iron infusion. We can schedule one for you to come back. Being that you are anemic, it's a good idea with you being pregnant." Sophie refused to look at Adam. She couldn't. Her eyes begged the nurse.
"Could you maybe come back in a few minutes?" Sophie mumbled amidst small gasps. The nurse's eyes widened, discerning the situation. Pursing her lips, she handed the paper cup of Xanax to Sophie.
"I'll be back in ten minutes for your discharge paperwork." Sophie kept her eyes to the floor, listening for the door to close. She waited. She waited for him to speak, but the room remained silent despite the beeps and hums from nearby equipment.
Lifting her eyes, she wasn't sure what to think. Adam sat, his arms criss crossed over his chest. His frame was trembling, his nostrils flared. He was watching Sophie. Her sight clouded, and her throat constricted as Adam stood, his hands twitching at his side.
"How long?" He stammered, rubbing his hands over his face. "How long have you known? And why didn't you tell me?" His face, drawn with agitation. Sophie shook her head, swallowing down sobs.
"I didn't know how to tell you." She faltered. Adam began pacing back and forth.
"I don't know... something like, Adam, I am pregnant would have worked okay." Sophie looked at the pills on the side table. She could take them. It would make this easier. It would prevent the impending panic attack that was threatening with every word exchanged.
Adam followed Sophie's gaze and stepped towards her, taking the cup and forcing it in her free hand. "Take them; you don't need an attack right now." His tone softened as he spoke. Sophie gulped the pills down as Adam renewed pacing. "Please say something." Finally, he stopped, misty-eyed as he pleaded. Sophie wrung her hands.
"I've known since I got back from 'Sundance.'” She whispered, seeing his face sink further. "I wanted to tell you, but I knew how much it would hurt you." Her tears leaked from her nose.
"Why? Would it hurt me, Sophie?" Adam strode to her, gripping her face in his hands. "I fucking love you. Why would I ever be upset about this? Unless..." Back hutching forward, his eyes snapped shut. Gradually, he retreated. "Did you do it? Did you 'take care’ of it? " He challenged, his voice vibrating. Sophie furiously shook her head.
"No, no." Her heart pulsated in the vice grip constricting it. She knew the memories that were inundating his brain. Raising his head, shades of crimson grew up his neck. Adam wiped his reddening eyes and smoothed back his hair.
"We can talk about this more at home. But I don't want to do this here. I'm beat from the flight, and this isn't good for you." Adam tapped his forehead. "I am going to take a walk around the floor, and then hopefully, when I get back, we can go." Sophie sucked on her lower lip, agreeing.
Sophie sank her head in her hands as Adam disappeared. She hadn't 'taken care’ of it yet, but that was up next for discussion. She had explained that the Doctors had told her she cannot carry a baby to full term. He had said he understood and loved her nevertheless.
Was he about to go against his words? This was everything Sophie wanted to avoid. She told him she couldn't have kids. Just because this accidental pregnancy happened, it doesn't equal a child. It involves a miscarriage. Despite the nauseating pains in her stomach, the impulse to scream simmered. The nurse knocked before entering, clipboard in hand.
"Just a few signatures and you are good to go." Sophie gripped the pen, knowing full well the night was not close to being over.
- - - -
The ride back to the apartment was quiet. Sackler walked straight to the bathroom and closed the door. She heard the water running. She knew he was attempting to calm down. Unfortunately, there would be no deescalating at this moment. He would need to listen to her and understand what was necessary.
Seating herself on the edge of the couch, she waited until she heard the bathroom door open. Adam leaned against the wall, facing Sophie. Sliding his restless hands into his pockets, his face distorted with emotion. Sophie licked her dry lips. Then, steadying herself against the cushions, she let it all pour out.
"I am so sorry, Adam. I know I should have told you sooner. I just thought you deserved better to hear it all in person. I didn't want it to be like this. I definitely didn't expect your first night home to go this way. I wanted us to have a few happy moments together before I dropped the news. I just knew how much it was going to hurt you. Knowing that it would result in nothing." Adam abruptly held up his hands, muttering for her to stop.
"What are you saying to me, Sophie? Have you already decided then? To just go ahead and --." Adam cleared his throat. His adam's apple bobbed harshly as he drank down his evident disgust. Anger swelled in Sophie's gut, vibrating throughout her body.
"Don't, Adam Sackler. Do not look at me like this. You KNEW!" Sophie's voice bellowed through the living room. "I told you, I couldn't have children remember? That wasn't just a lifestyle choice. I explained it all very carefully to you." Adam leaped from his spot, frantically running his hands through his hair.
"You said you couldn't get pregnant. But here you are, pregnant. Pregnant with my child." His tone dipped in desperation.
"It's not a child. It's a pregnancy. Don't put this on me, Adam. Please. I told you that I wouldn't be able to carry a child to full term. I told you." The weight of her words split her mind. It was bad enough that these thoughts plagued her mind every occasion that she strolled past a school or a park crowded with kids.
Or all the intruding conversations of 'when are you going to have children?' 'You are getting up there in age, sweetheart. You should consider.' The societal expectation that she should and could bear children produced countless episodes of worthlessness and failure. She believed she had escaped this topic with Adam after their initial conversation.
Adam kneeled and lowered his gaze. Sophie caught his sigh as he rubbed at his jaw.
"I know what we discussed, but it's at least something that we can look into? See a doctor first? Before we make any hasty conclusions." He faltered as he spoke, his pitch mounting in sentiment. Sophie wordlessly watched Adam's hunched form. His sniffling and deep breathing were venom in her veins. Her beautiful Adam, she knew her troubles would eventually destroy him and her both. Clawing into her arms, she attempted to steady her speech.
"I don't think you understand...It was made pretty clear to me that I can't have children. I guess we could get a hopeful Doctor and have them tell us to hold out and see..." Adam lifted his head, eyes eager and bloodshot. The optimism on his face induced bile up her esophagus. "You aren't the one who is going to have to go through the physical loss. The emotional toll isn't the only thing I will suffer through, please... Understand." Sophie's bottom lip quivered at the notion of going through it all again. She couldn't. Adam wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve as he stood.
"And I have to suffer knowing that this is the second chance I lose at becoming a father." His statement pierced through her. She was going to hurl.Hurrying to her feet, Sophie bolted herself in the bathroom before bowing over the toilet. Her head was a pulsating jackhammer.
"Sophie, kid. Open the door, let me help you." Sophie wept amidst upheavals. "Jesus fucking Christ kid, just unlock the door, please." Finally, Sophie regained her composure as she located a towel.
"Adam, just go." Sophie pleaded weakly, relishing in the coldness of the cloth on her blazing skin.
"Sophie, don't. Please don't do this. Let me in." Adam's voice fractured as his hands pounded against the wood. "I love you so much. I need this all to be okay." He cried. Sophie held herself, the sting of his earlier statements still raw. He would blame her forever. There wasn't winning here.
Sure, he would be more understanding on the surface if she miscarried. Still, he set her up to be the villain, with her not wanting to follow through with the pregnancy. She couldn't look him in the eyes each day, knowing that he resented her for all of this. Sophie shook when Adam roared incoherently. She stilled in the abrupt silence of the apartment. A few brief moments passed before Adam was back at the door.
"I am going to a hotel.” Sophie heard Adam's hesitation. "Text me when you are ready to talk." Then, skipping a beat, he breathed 'I love you' and 'I am sorry' before his scuffling was gone. Sophie slumped to the tile, desperate for relief from the ache in her breast, pulsating mind, and hollowness in her stomach.
- - - -
Sophie opened her eyes, blinking at the harshness of the overhead light. She had cried herself to sleep. Standing up, Sophie searched for the ibuprofen. She felt hungover. Glancing at the bathroom mirror, she grimaced. Swollen eyes and puffy cheeks stared back at her. Sophie unlocked the door, as she did, a large object fell towards her, sending her into a fury, jumping backward and screaming. She heard Adam's voice through her yells.
"KID! It's me. It's me." Adam jumped up from the floor, his hands stretching out towards Sophie. "Shh... It's just me." Adam drew Sophie to him, enveloping her into his chest. Sophie's mind intuitively eased as his comforting scent overwhelmed her thoughts.
"I thought you went to a hotel." She murmured into his shirt, pressing her face further into his breast. Adam's grip tightened as he pressed his lips to her forehead.
"I couldn't. I got to the bottom of the stairs and turned back around. My entire fucking world is right here. Why would I go anywhere else?" Sophie's muscles tightened as the previous conversation rushed back to her. Adam immediately cupped her face in his hands. "Kid, let's go to bed. Let me hold you. We don't need to talk about this anymore tonight. Let's go to bed, please." Adam's wide amber eyes silently pleaded for her to listen. Sophie nodded. Her body was heavy, her mind pained and hazy.
Adam removed both his and Sophie's clothes before pulling back the sheets and comforter. Opening his arms, he dragged her to him. Wrapping his legs and arms around her, he caged her to him.
"Sleepy time." He teased quietly as he caressed kisses into her hair. Sophie sighed deeply before allowing the steady rise and fall of Adam's chest to lull her to sleep.
- - -
Sophie woke to Adam lying on top of her, his head peacefully nuzzled into her breasts. Shaking her head and smirking, she worked her fingers through his black mane. Adam let out a small grunt.
"I've missed you so much." He mumbled, his voice gravelly from sleep.
"Me, too," Sophie whispered, scratching her nails over his scalp. Adam nudged her breast with his nose before lifting his face to look at her. Sophie moved her hand to Adam's face, running her finger down his proud nose. He really was the most handsome man.
"Can we just try?" He blurted out. "I know you are scared. I am scared to, but kid, I want to try. I know it's not fair for me to ask this of you, and if you really say you can't, I will let it go..." Adam's voice trailed off as his lips trembled.
Sophie was surprised her brain didn't spiral at his words. She couldn't deny the fact that she had thought about trying to go through with it over the last few weeks. Sophie's eyes shifted to the freckles spattered across Adam's features.
Would their child have freckles like him? Would they come out rolly polly, all smiles, ears a little too big, and a mess of black hair? Adam dropped his face back to her sternum. Both of them laid in silence for a while before Sophie cleared her throat. Adam immediately was on alert.
"We will talk to the Doctor and see what they say... Then we make a decision." She whispered, swallowing down the knot that was forming. Adam nodded.
"Then we make a decision." He repeated before caressing a delicate kiss to her lips.
- - - - -
The Doctor shut the exam room's door softly, leaving Sophie and Sackler alone with their thoughts. The Doctor had explained that Sophie was officially two months along. Everything looked fine but informed of the complications with Sophie's medical history the Doctor had told them it would be a gamble but could be a viable pregnancy. Sophie sobbed.
Adam accompanied her in her weeping as the Doctor inquired if they wanted to hear the heartbeat. Despite the nagging pain in her chest, Sophie agreed. Sackler clasped her hand to his tear-soaked lips as the steady pulse sounded throughout the room.
Now, the two sat in silence, attempting to regain their composure. Sophie stared at the white tiles. She knew he was already wholeheartedly invested. She had watched him shake, snot dripping down his nose as the exam was done. Lifting her head, Adam was staring at her, his face flushed from his emotional outburst. His arms crossed protectively across his broad chest.
"Okay." She sputtered, her breathing intensifying as her mind accepted her decision. Adam jumped back, his hands immediately rubbing his jaw.
"Really?" His eyes grew as he kept his distance. Was he putting up an invisible wall? Sophie sucked on her bottom lip, nodding.
"Yeah, let's try." She whispered, her eyes stinging as the emotions resurfaced. Adam sprang towards her cupping her face in his hands.
"Kid, I love you. It's going to be okay." His speech raced. Afraid to welcome his enthusiasm, she forced a weak smile. Adam held her face to his, intently locking his gaze with hers. “Thank you for trying, that's enough for me. It’s more than enough.” Adam paused. "I am here no matter what happens. I am not going anywhere. I got you.” Sophie caressed her nose against Adam's.
"We got each other."
- - - - - - -
Lovelies: @daydreamsofren @cornmousequeen @sacklerscumrag @caillea @direnightshade @finn-ray-nal-beads @mylifeisactuallyamess @leatherboundbirate @theoncrayjoy @maybe-your-left @hopeamarsu @zimmermansbrat @historyandfandoms50 @sister-winter73 @relationshipwithmybed @themuseic @starskylo @millenialcatlady @tashastrange89 @theodorealastair @insufferablelust @iamasithprincess @tashastrange89 @butyoudidthis4what @xxcatrenxx @jynzandtonic @blowthatpieceofjunk @paper-n-ashes @roanniom
Thank you for reading!
If you enjoy my stories, let me know! My Inbox is open, and I welcome comments! Please reblog if you fancy sharing this piece.
49 notes · View notes
hangmansradio · 3 years
Note
Do you ever question ~why~ you write, and find yourself wanting to throw your laptop out of the window because of it?
I write for the MCR fandom and ill be honest, i fell out of love with the fandom a long long time ago (mainly because of the online toxicity). Now, i no longer care about receiving comments or kudos from people in the fandom because it honestly just raises anxiety in me, so I've found myself writing but not posting it anywhere. (Before, kudos and comments especially from regular readers were what motivated me)
There's no other fandom I'm interested in writing in, and I'm past the age now where a new fandom can grab my attention easily- it would really take a lot for that to happen. So I'm at this point where I'm just like... why am I writing and who am I writing for? I'm using Gerard and Frank as characters but I'm so far removed from the fandom that I don't feel connected to it in anyway anymore.
I hate Canon (in terms of tv show fandoms etc) so a bandom is perfect for creative liberties when writing, but I just... feel so unmotivated. And yet, writing is my life, I dont know what I'll do with my free time if I stop.
I know you've spoken before about second guessing your place in the fandom and whether or not it's a space you still want to write in. How do you still continue to write when you feel that way? I know you're currently taking a break, but before that?
If you can't relate to anything I've said in this ask then just disregard it, but I have the feeling you are or have been in a similar position as me and maybe you can offer some words of wisdom 🥺
Oh nonny, I really, really feel for you right now 💜 I am in basically the exact same position as you, more or less. I've been writing in the MCR fandom for fifteen years now (yikes) and it was always such a warm, safe space. But the past couple of years I've slowly noticed that changing, and now, even me as a seasoned writer who KNOWS the fandom so well, am totally disgusted by the thought of posting anything new because the toxicity is at a new level. It's like people will read someone's work now just to find something to complain about, when ✨back in my day ✨ the number one rule was always "don't like something, then hit the back button". I feel like it's become an okay thing now to literally harass authors, which is just awful because we're all writing for free, in our spare time.
Once upon a time you could write about literally anything and know you were safe to post, even back before AO3 and their fantastic tagging system. Back then, you knew there was a chance you could be reading something you disliked every time you clicked on a fic, and that was fine, because you just turned back if that was the case. And that fostered a really great community, where anyone sending hate or being at all negative to an author were very quickly shot down by everyone else reminding them that only THEY, and not the author, are responsible for keeping themselves happy on the internet.
All that being said, I'm not sure I'll ever return to writing MCR fic. Taking this break has been so healing, because I don't miss it at all. I miss writing terribly, and I miss those wonderful readers who would always send love my way, but in general... My mental health is a million times better for getting out. And it would get even better again if I had the heart to completely sever the ties with my AO3 account - just this morning I received another negative comment on a fic and seeing the email notification come through with comments makes me so anxious now. I hate that it's become that way, and the temptation to completely delete my profile is so tempting. But I couldn't do it to those people who still say they get so much joy out of my fic.
So... I'm in a very similar position to you. Writing MCR fic was me. It's what I did every spare moment I had for literally half of my life. So where do we go from here? Personally I'm still figuring it out.
I'm lucky in that I have some fantastic writer friends who still want to read my stuff in private who I can post to. It's not as motivating as that rush of posting online and seeing who likes it, but it's enough. I haven't written anything at all, not a single sentence, since I uploaded Chains made of Gold; but last week one of my real life friends asked if they could help get me out of my writing rut, and requested a Kingsman fic, not to post online but just for them to read. And it's the first time I've felt any sort of motivation to write. Something small, safe and private to share with a friend, that I can handle.
I'm similar to you, in that I find canon difficult to work around because I'm so used to writing whatever I want. But there are no fanfic rules that say you have to stick to canon - the joy of fanfiction is that we don't have to do that! It can be hard getting into a new fandom, but maybe it's worth just a little try?
And for me, as it is for many fic writers, the dream was always to one day write original stories to publish. Recently I've felt like that dream is further away than ever, and maybe I'm just not a writer anymore. But I can't imagine my life without it, writing stories is my passion, and I can't let a toxic fandom destroy that.
So to you nonny, I say this - don't give up. It's easier said than done, I know. Find "real" people who love writing and befriend them, if you don't already know people who might want to read your stuff in private. I'm more than happy for you to send anything my way, be it fanfic or otherwise, and I'll gladly cheerleader for you if it helps keep the writing bug alive. Joining a creative writing group is also a fantastic way to keep motivated and challenge yourself with new ideas - I LOVED the one I was in, but sadly I have no local group now. But if you do, please try it, getting away from the internet communities that are so toxic and into a group of real people, all passionate about writing, is such a healing thing.
We all started writing just for us. Because we loved it. Hold onto that, and take as long a break as you need, and I promise the urge to write will come again 💜
TL;DR The 'point' of writing has always just been to tell those stories inside of us. Don't give up on something you're passionate about, find good people who can be excited about your writing with you and share things with them 💜
10 notes · View notes
blushing-starker · 3 years
Text
I did this instead of writing notes for science, have slightly angsty starker
Tumblr media
"Mr Stark, Mr Stark, please, it's really fine. I can just stay here; May's apartment is just fifteen minutes away and Happy misses her anyway. It's a win-win!"
Tony snarls, clutches at his hand, keeps heading to the front desk with enough of a murderous aura people scramble to clear a path. His heart thrills, basically leaps with joy because this is for him, this is his partner outraged on Peter's behalf. And then the anxiety goes from its usual ten to a thirty because this is happening because of Peter.
A tug does absolutely nothing so he yanks, uses just a bit of super strength to haul Tony in a shadowed hallway where the overhead lights won't show how he clings like a koala to a heaving chest. Tony could be frothing at the mouth and out for blood, but the man would never hurt him, even accidentally.
Peter nuzzles a warm neck, tightens the grip around Tony until the billionaire relents and slowly returns the hug, body slumping around his smaller frame. It's ok, Peter can hold them both up. One breath, two breaths, fifteen breaths to calm a heart much more fragile than his own.
"I can wait here. The conference is for Tony Stark, not Spider-Man and definitely not me. You'll be late if you don't go now and Pepper's counting on us to see this through. It's my first week and, unlike a certain someone," he tickles right below the third rib, gets a startled chuckle in exchange, " Miss Potts can fire me if I don't 'produce results that benefit the company'. She cares for me, but I have to work hard to earn my place, make it harder for people to say I'm only in the company because I warm your bed. "
Tony jolts back, ready to discourage that line of thinking, assure him that's not, would never be the case and Peter can't fucking cry in an airport because Tony will be late for work. But Jesus, he's really grateful he fell for someone that loves him so much they'd always make sure he knew that.
Thing is, Peter doesn't have the secrets to the universe. Can't be certain, 100% certain of lots of things like whether or not there are multiple realities, if Ned really was serious about dating Betty and who the hell taped him dancing to Abba during a particularly odd fighting session with miss Natasha. Anyway.
The point is one of the few things he does know, will never doubt for as long as he lives, is that Tony Stark, the 'Man in a Can', the saviour of the world, loves him with all his heart. Metal parts and all. So he pins his boyfriend to the wall and doesn't let him speak.
"Tony, it's fine. A pilot refusing to let an intern board the VIP plane can be expected. He doesn't know who I am and that's ok because you promised me we'd tell the company six months in. It's been a week. If we had to wait til I turned eighteen for you to hug me longer than five seconds, we can wait till I've proven myself. Besides, going to the parks was a bonus, not the main thing."
It's not like he hasn't walked into an amusement park since he was twelve and his parents were still around.
Tony mumbles, starts to wheeze and shit yeah, Peter has to rein in the strength. His lover inhales deeply, waves off the concern and pulls him in again to disappear into fluffy, previously styled, hair.
"You're telling me you don't wanna ride the Hulk rollercoaster and take a selfie to send Banner while he's giving class? You're really telling me no to that?"
Well, at least he's back to normal.
"Tony, don't be mean. And I'm your intern. What would people say if they saw me rubbing your back while you puked over a bridge?" That earns him an indignant squawk from his ridiculous boyfriend and a peal of laughter from Happy. Crap, he forgot their security team could hear them through the earpieces.
"Excuse you, kid, but I was flying into the air at more than a hundred miles per hour while you were in kindergarten. "
"To be fair, I think he was in middle school."
"Shut it, Hogan, or I'll tell May you hate her walnut demons."
Peter gasps, turns to the now flustered Happy with mock surprise. "You don't like May's baking? Happy. She'll be so disappointed. Might even reconsider getting the Stark dating app." He ducks, grins when the stack of documents Happy always carries around smacks Tony right on the nose.
"Bullseye." Frank, the new security detail's leader, coughs into his shoulder, but the so called genius still glares at him before shoving the papers into Pete's hands.
"Fine. Be a good intern and hold these. I thought 'oh no, I can't let Pete's honor be questioned so I should get the pilot fired and my boyfriend a seat next to me. He's my partner and I can take him anywhere he wants in the world. Let's have a nice date after the conference, that could take his mind off of things'. But it's fine, Mr Intern. I'll just say you're my assistant. See how you like economy while I'm flying first class." Tony stomps away, angrily complains about ungrateful boyfriends , traitorous best friends and incompetent bodyguards.
While heading to the opposite gate.
Peter snickers as he turns back, manages to bite his lip when Tony seethes and warns them to not say a word about being old and unable to decipher directions. Frank absolutely loses his shit right there, has to grip his second in command's arm when Tony plucks Peter up like a kitten and drags him beside the philanthropist's hunched figure.
An arm wraps around his shoulder and refuses to move until they're on the plane, the pilot's sulking in the airport cafeteria and Peter's just a seat away from the world's most ridiculous, loveable, caring boyfriend. Tony tugs at him, says something about being cold and spiders running hot. But they both know he's just happy to have his lover, uh, intern close by. For matters of the company, yeah.
(Still. Peter shows exactly how happy he is to have such a considerate partner by winning every single plushie at the amusement park for Tony. If he later shows his appreciation privately in the CEO's office, well. Interns are expected to help the boss stay awake during working hours, after all.)
86 notes · View notes
6knotty6thotty6 · 3 years
Text
So a couple of months ago, I saw a YouTube video that was an audio recording of season 5, episode 6 of Bojack Horseman, “Free Churro.” In the episode, the main character, Bojack Horseman, spends 20 minutes giving a eulogy at his mother’s funeral. There’s one big problem though, his mother was an abusive bitch. His eulogy is him trying to contemplate what she meant by her drying words, “I see you,” and whether or not she loved him. As someone who has a dead parent who was abusive, this is probably my favorite episode of any show ever for how much it helped me understand my feelings. The comments section is filled with people sharing their pain with their abusive families, but one comment stood out to me above all the others by how raw and relatable it was. This comment was by a YouTuber named Moonstruck. At the bottom of this post is a link to her channel. Please support her. After reading this, she deserves a million subscribers. Also please watch Bojack Horseman. (I corrected some of the grammatical errors to make it easier to read)
Disclaimer: Child abuse, bullying, trauma, and mental health:
Moonstruck: 
This is a great monologue, but one part of it, in particular, really caught my attention was the 'grand gesture' bit.
When I was a kid, I read this book called "Chicken Soup for the Soul." There's a shitload of them. I don't remember which particular one it was. I hated the whole series because it's just someone profiting off a bunch of other people's stories rather than trying to write their own, in my opinion. 
Anyway.
This one story that I remember, the ONLY one I remembered,  was sent in by a little girl. She wrote about how her father never told her that he loved her. He never once, in her whole life, said the words "I love you." I don't remember her mom being mentioned, maybe she was dead; it doesn't matter. The point is her dad was basically an emotionless asshole. Well, one day, this girl gets sick. Really sick. Possibly on her deathbed sick. She wrote that one day she woke up to find a necklace sitting on her nightstand that had a pendant that looked like her dog. She said she held it to her heart and cried because that necklace said all the things her father never had.
I thought, "What a load of bullshit."
A cheap trinket doesn't make up for years and years of emotional neglect. Anyone can buy a thing and toss it your way. Hell, he didn't even hand it to her himself, just left it there for her to find if/when she woke up, then left her alone again to possibly die.
A lot of people say that actions speak louder than words, in cases like political protests and shit. While that's true, scenarios that this that girl are different. Gifts can never replace the words, "I love you."
When I was a kid, my father never told me he loved me. My mother didn't either, but she's a whole other kettle of fish. I would say 'my biological mother or father,' but I never got adopted ones, so who gives a shit. Anyway. My father was rarely around, and when he was, he just spent the entire time fighting with my mother and leaving again. He would do and say anything that could get him to spend less time in the house with her. With us. I can't blame him. If I could've left during those times, I would have. I tried more than once. I even earned the nickname 'runaway' from a family friend because of it. 
I was told that I was worthless as early as I could understand words. I don't know what it is about me that set my mother off, but she HATED me. I was always told how expensive I was to keep alive and how I wasn't worth it. If I dared ask for anything, she would remind me how much she spent just to keep me from starving to death and that it was too much already. On the rare occasion I was given something, it was so she could use it as a threat. She was like, "Sure, you can have that toy horse since we got your sister a real one, but you better behave or we'll give it to her and let her break it." Or "Oh, fine, we can keep this dog as a FAMILY pet (NOT YOURS), but if you do something we don't like, we'll take it away and kill it." 
Oh, yeah. I have a sister. She’s cut from the same cloth as our mother. I don't consider any of them family anymore. She was two years older than me. She was the "we should have stopped while we were ahead" kid. Anything she wanted, she got. 
"Mom, can I have an award-winning horse and expensive dressage lessons?"
"Sure!"
"Mom, can I have a car?"
"No problem!"
"Mom, can you pay for my ballet lessons?"
"Absolutely!"
She was the golden child. The one that could do no wrong and wasn't a mistake. Even after she totaled her car, got arrested for an underage DUI, and got pregnant three times in high school, she was still the good one. I never even asked to go to school dances, parties, or go out with the one friend I had. My sister liked to see me in pain. She'd tell our mom that I did things just to get me in trouble. Whether it involved blaming me for things she did or fabricating stuff, she'd say whatever it took to get my mother to beat me while she watched and laughed. Oh, yeah, our mom was BIG on physical punishment. I've been whipped with everything from a riding crop, a wooden paddle, spoons, and especially belts. Anything that was close at hand when my mother got irritated, I've been hit with it. 
At one point, my sister had three tall, beautiful show-worthy horses. I was allowed to keep a sickly old pony for all of a week before she was taken away, then I'd get called ungrateful for asking why we had to get rid of HER instead of one of the horses. Even though my mother said it cost too much to keep them all. With horses being obviously too rich for my blood, I asked for something cheaper, and for once, I got it. I was given a baby goat that one of our neighbors' goats had abandoned for being too weak, and they didn't have time to raise. I loved that goat. I bottle raised him, and named him Ben. He was my best friend for a while. When he grew up, he got so big that I was able to stand on his back to grab tree branches and pull them down so he could eat the leaves. I walked him on a leash like a dog every day. I loved him so much. My mother had me enter him in a show, and we won ninth place! I was thrilled to have something to show against my sister's collection of dressage show ribbons. I finally had proof that I could do something right! Sure, the prize money was taken away from me, but I still had Ben.
But Ben didn't come home with me after the show. It turns out he was sold to a slaughterhouse because that show was for meat goats. I didn't know until he was already gone. Of course, my mother punished me for being upset and even forced me to write a thank-you card to the people who bought his meat. 
My mother was always like that. Anything I loved was used as a threat. I eventually accepted that loving anything was a waste of time. I learned to detach myself from my feelings, and I got really good at it. I can completely turn off my emotional reaction to anything. One time I had to put down one of the egg-laying hens at work that got too sick to save, and I felt nothing while bringing down the ax. When I lost out on a job that could have changed my life, I told myself how stupid it was to hope for anything good. Any positive emotion I felt got me punished, so I learned to feel nothing at all. To this day, I still have trouble feeling things, even when I want to. I'm taking pills now, and they help, sometimes. 
I've had several suicide attempts. I keep a box of razor blades in my desk just to have them close. I got a tattoo of a heart with rainbows on my wrist. Partially for LGBT solidarity, but mostly to remind myself that there is still beauty in the world. I still struggle with wonder if I actually believe it or not. 
I've tried so hard to be a good kid. I never partied, never drank, never smoked even when the chances were there, and I would have greatly loved anything to make the pain stop or even just dull it a little bit. I was in the gifted and talented program at school and was able to graduate at fifteen. For a while, I was sent to a children's home where I was passed around to many people I didn't know, including a clown who I may or may not have actually been related to, until I eventually wound up out here where I am now. It's all pretty hazy, and the details get scrambled. 
It's been 10 years since I've had contact with my mother and sister. I can't even keep in touch with the one friend I had, even after I lived with her. She's tried to reach out to me, but I just… can't. I try, but I can't. Sometimes, I can almost pretend that my past wasn't real. It's just a hazy fog that isn't really there. I want to believe that if I don't allow something, or someone, who was part of that past, someone tangible and real, into my life again, then the fog will go away. This is why I can't do it. I know I'm a terrible friend. Ariel, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. You're better off without me in your life anyway. 
I typed all of this out because sometimes, about fifty dollars or so shows up in my PayPal from my father's email address. I don't know if it's from him or from her using his email, but it doesn't matter either way. The point is I know my mother is the one sending the money.
I know my mother likes to think she's a good person. She went to church every Sunday, and probably still does. She organized a lot of church events and participated in every church function. I had to be an altar server for several years until I aged out of it and was in the choir. She kept going to that church even after the priest got drunk, called me many horrible names in front of everyone, and was revealed to be a pedophile that raped a little boy at gunpoint. She probably still goes to that same church and organizes things. She likes being in charge. She likes having people look at her and say, "That there is a good person."
But are you, though, Mom? Are you really a good person? Were you a good person when you hit me? When you lied to me? When you laughed with my sister about how much I got hurt for things I didn't do? Were you a good person every time you told me you'd kill my cat or leave my dog at the pound? Were you a good person when you sold Ben to be eaten, knowing that I loved him? Were you a good person when you made me read "A child called It" and told me that you'd start doing the things in that book to me if I didn't behave? Were you a good person every time you told my father I was a liar whenever I tried to tell him what you were doing to me? Were you a good person when you told me I wasn't worth the cost of being alive? Were you? 
Fuck you, Mom! Keep your fucking money! A necklace on the nightstand isn't enough. A trinket can't heal years and years and years of abuse and hurt. You can't hide these scars under dollar bills. I hope you die alone. I know I probably will, but I don't even care anymore. I lost the ability to care thanks to you. You can't make up for the things you did and the things you didn't say now. Too little, too late! 
36 notes · View notes
topherfoxtrot · 3 years
Text
Thunderbolts: The hulk's personal protection team
Tumblr media
Hey, here's the second episode of my fanon thunderbolts. Since last episode Emil Blonsky escaped from his imprisonment. He's probably going after the Hulk, right? John, Ava, Yelena, Justin and the mysterious Contessa Valentina attend to a presentation Bruce Banner is giving at MIT to find out. This one is more comedy leaned. It wasn't a conscious choice, it just sort of happened. But I'm glag it did. If you enjoy your read please like, share or comment something :D
Valentina hated those heels but something inside of her made she wear them anyways, even on grass. She was going first and foremost. Justin Hammer was right behind her jumping in excitement and giving a lot of useless yet interesting facts about MIT lore and culture. The rest of the thunderbolts were there too. John was wearing a cap and a 5 o'clock beard. Ava was wearing a huge gray sweater as she usually did. Yelena was rocking a leather jacket. For all purposes they did look like a group of college students.
"This place is huge!" Ava looked around, "I wish I went to college."
"What would you do?" John asked.
"I don't know. Anything except quantum physics I guess!" Ava laughed.
"I knew a quantum physics guy once." Justin thought out loud.
"Yeah you knew everyone." Yelena rolled her eyes, "You told that already. We been knew."
"Hey, no need to be so harsh. Your new equipment is my property and I can reclaim them at any time, remember?"
"Oh yeah I haven't used the tasers yet. Wanna help me out with that?" Yelena smirked.
"Behave, children." Valentina intervened, "We want doctor Banner to have a good first impression about us. Specially after the Blosnky incident." She side eyed Ava.
The campus was packed with people of all ages and all around the country and possibly the whole world too. There have been a lot of workshops and seminars the whole week, but today's main event was special: Bruce Banner was gonna give a presentation on the applications of biochemistry in robotics. Apparently the robot dogs running around campus were testing an engine that doesn't need gasoline or electric energy to work.
"I've seen those dogs before." John was reading an informative folder, "I don't think building them to never sleep is a good idea."
"I have a history of dangerous applications of robotics and I agree." Justin cleaned his glasses. The microfiber cloth had his name on it. "It can get out of hand rather quickly!"
"Now that I think about it Bruce Banner also has a history of dangerous applications of robotics." Yelena pointed out, "Y'all remember Ultron?"
"Mistakes are learning opportunities. I mean, not for them I guess." Valentina sighted, "Trust me those super idiots are always making mistakes and they never learn!" She said that last part in a loud whisper.
The presentation was supposed to happen at 4pm so they got there one hour earlier as the Contessa wanted. Doctor Banner was in the auditorium already. His big hands were setting the projector and his eyes were studying the obnoxiously small papers scattered across the table. As usual, the heels Valentina was wearing announced her presence.
"Doctor Banner." She greeted him formally.
"Hello." He analyzed her quickly, "How can I help you..? And you?" He looked at the thunderbolts arriving with the Contessa.
"Well, you see." Valentina took off her sunglasses, "It might actually be the other way around. We are the ones who are here to help."
"Oh." Bruce changed his posture to pay full attention at the lady.
"We are the thunderbolts and we are here to protect you Doctor Banner."
"Protect... me?" Bruce tried to sound polite.
"We have privileged information that confirms you might be in danger, man!" Justin put himself in front of Valentina, "We don't want to scare you or anything but the Abomination scaped his imprisonment!"
Bruce's eyes opened wide suddenly. It's been fifteen years since he saw Emil Blonsky. And as time passed by he caught himself thinking about the man less and less. Now however this distant memory became an immediate danger.
"Should I cancel the..?"
"No, of course not Doctor Banner!" Valentina waved her hand as if the whole situation was nothing but a little annoyance, "You can carry on with your presentation. The Thunderbolts are here to protect you. Also, my name is Valentina Allegra de La Fontiane, Contessa Valentina de La Fontiane. It's a lot to remember I know but don't worry, I'm hard to forget."
"Okay. The.. hm, thunderbolts." He looked at the weird bunch, "Hey aren't you the new Captain America?" He asked.
John looked down and then looked to the roof real quick, "I'm not Captain America anymore." He said between his teeth.
"Yeah there's a new new Captain America now." Valentina rolled her eyes, "But that's not important now, is it? We'll just sit here and wait for the presentation to be over. How about that?"
Bruce didn't trust the team quite yet, but he trusted himself to be his own protection so it was no big deal. Still, as the thunderbolts took their sits at the end of the room, Bruce grabbed his cellphone to check if Emil was really out. There was nothing on the news or on twitter which meant that either Valentina was lying or the government was hiding this information really well. Both options were equally plausible in Bruce's eyes so he decided to roll with it.
***
When the presentation started the lights went out. Yelena, Ava, John, Justin and Valentina were sitting on the last set of chairs. At some point Valentina got up to get a phonecall. John whispered to not disturb the presentation:
"So...who is she?"
"What do you mean?" Justin asked, also quietly.
"This... Contessa. I don't know. Her." He pointed at the exit door she just left through.
"Haven't you read the card?" Ava asked.
"What card? You mean the blank card? The one with nothing written on it?"
"It was written with invisible ink." Yelena clarified.
"Invisible ink?" John couldn't believe his own words.
"John that's the oldest trick in the book." Justin seemed interested in the presentation, "Espionage 101."
"I was black ops...!" John sounded offended. Someone shushed them so they stayed in silence for a while. Ava felt bad for John though.
"It doesn't matter if you read it or not." She whispered, "It's not like there was any key information there. It was just her name and this weird lightning symbol."
"The thunderbolts!" Justin whispered back.
"So.. us?" John asked.
"That's what it seems." Yelena looked around with no sign of the Contessa, "But who are we?"
"Didn't she explain anything to you guys?" Justin asked.
"No! Did she explain anything to you?"
"I mean, no."
"What?" Ava asked a little louder than intended.
"She just said she would sponsor my projects so I was immediately on board." Justin justified himself, "I just assumed you were more into her deal than I was."
"I can't believe I fell for another pyramid scheme." Ava sighted
"Another?" John asked.
Someone shushed them again, more aggressively this time.
"Excuse me who do you think you are to shush me??" Justin whispered as loud as he could.
"Hammer, sit down!" Yelena ordered.
"Not, let's see what this fella has to say!" Justin grabbed his cellphone to use as a flashlight, but that was not necessary because the lights turned on out of sudden. The robot dogs entered the room as part of the presentation and everyone clapped and cheered at them. Justin sat down again and straighten his blazer aggressively.
The robot dogs did some flips and silly dances. Their "skin" was transparent so it was possible to see all fluids and engines working inside. Everyone was having a good time except Justin, John and Yelena. Something about the dogs and the claps made John unsettled. Yelena felt the same. They looked at each other looking for some guidance. That's when the shots were fired.
A few people from the crowd got up wearing balaclava masks and wielding machine guns. The robot dogs positioned themselves, one on each side of every seat row. The chemicals inside them started to bubble in a menacing way. A man from the first seat now in balaclava got closer to Hulk with a shotgun aimed at his head.
"Hello everyone!" The man screamed, "We are only here for the money. If everyone cooperates, no one gets hurt."
The criminals started to walk around the room with huge bags stealing rings, watches, wallets and all sorts of jewelry.
"There's twelve of them." Yelena whispered.
"How much you can take?" John analyzed the room with her.
"Without getting shot? A few. But the dogs seem to be time bombs."
"Yeah there's too many people here. We have to think this through!" Ava stated.
"Oh my god is that Ant-Man??" Justin screamed pointing at Ava's feet.
"What? Where?" Ava got up on a jump. The men started shooting at her but she phased around the bullets out of reflex. That was just the distraction Justin needed to run into the exit door Valentina went through minutes ago.
"Fucking Hammer!" Yelena grunted before jumping to the ground. A nearby dog jumped to attack her but she quickly applied a jiujitsu move that made the dog fly above her. The fluids inside the robot started to shine in a weird way. John jumped across the seats and kicked the robot to the roof where it exploded. The roof suffered some damage but no enough to fall. No one got hurt. Except the dog whose metallic remains fell onto the ground.
John landed beside Yelena to check on her. Ava made herself invisible and visible again more times than the nearest criminal could comprehend. When Ava reached him she grabbed him by the back and used him as a human shield. Her hand phased into his neck in a lethal threat.
"Nobody shoots no one and no bloody dog explodes!" She demanded.
Everyone in the auditorium hold their breath together. Bruce seemed to be having fun. Yelena and John remained on the ground watching everything in anticipation. Ava had declared a temporary negotiating time, but for how long?
Suddenly breaking the absolute silence the auditorium was emerged in music started to come out of the speakers on the wall. Even the criminals looked around confused to the sound of "U can't touch this". When MC Hammer sang the iconic 'Hammer time!' the exit door exploded and among the smoke Justin Hammer emerged with a shield, three tasers, a shotgun and bunch of flash grenades. He took his right hand to the sky to show his car keys in triumph.
"He went out to get our stuff from the car trunk." John said in denial.
"Fucking Hammer!" Yelena screamed again (with a smile this time) before running to his direction. John came right after.
The criminals started shooting at Justin, who jumped to the ground scattering everything he brought with him. Ava let go of her human shield and disappeared. Yelena grabbed her tasers and John grabbed his shield. They both got up ready for action. The criminals started shooting and John instinctively projected the shield in front of them while Yelena got closer to him.
"Hey, it even looks like we rehearsed it!" Yelena said, smiling.
John also gave her a smile. Without realizing it he offered his arm for a forearm pump like he used to do with an old friend. Yelena forearm pumped him and jumped back into action. John smiled even brighter.
What happens next is just incredible. John's shield ricochet's throughout the whole auditorium at his will. Ava phases through and disarms everyone fast. Even with no powers Yelena runs around quickly dodging bullets and immobilizing the criminals. Justin cheered for them just alright. But he also turned off the robot dogs and used some of the flash grenades when necessary.
At the end of the showdown all the criminals were gathered at the podium. Bruce scrubbed his hands with a pride smile as if he did something at all. The gesture clarified that the threat was indeed neutralized so all the people in the crowd got up and started clapping at them. Justin waved his hands with a bright smile.
"Come on guys, it's the least we could do."
"What is happening?" Ava grabbed her arms is a slight self hug.
"Don't you see?" Hulk whispered to her, "You're the heroes!"
The sentence made John move his shoulders awkwardly. We are the heroes!, He whispered to himself. Yelena giggled because she totally heard that. She grabbed one of John's hands and one of Ava's hands and curved to the crowd as if they were actors in a play. Ava and John looked at each other and decided to bound as well. The cheers went louder.
The Contessa finally came back. She looked worried.
"What the fuck is going on?"
"We are the heroes, Val!" Justin winked at her before grabbing John's shield and bound as well.
18 notes · View notes