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#anyway I'm super tired as usual (thank you insanely long bout of insomnia) so idk if any of this makes sense
I think a lot about all the “hahaha how did stede not realize he’s gay” posts, because as a 32YO who didn’t realize that 1) I’m actually solely into girls and 2) I’m not entirely cis, until roughly the ages of 1) 29 and 2) 31, I have a lot of thoughts on this.
Because Stede grew up in an environment with probably no other queer people, or if there were, they would be used as an example of what not to be in Respected Society. There would be no queer characters in his books, nothing to compare his feelings to, especially not on an island like Barbados, where he’d probably have to ship his books in from further away and they’d go through a lot of hands of people who know him, personally, before they reach him.
On top of that, there’s of course his peers and his parents, bullying all other-ness right out of him and making him try so, so hard to conform to what’s expected of him.
As someone who grew up in a small, very religious town in a rural area with a very limited library, limited access to internet, and no openly queer peers, I kind of know the feeling. (In fact, if someone as much as hinted at possibly not being straight the entire school would know and not shut up about it for weeks - and not in a positive way. I am unfortunately speaking from personal experience here.)
I’m not at all surprised he might confuse romantic feelings for friendship, might not fully realize what’s going on until Ed kisses him, might not allow himself to feel what he’s feeling (and revel in it).
Even if Stede did figure out what his feelings are, even if he did understand that at least half of his crew is queer as fuck, with all the bullying and the conditioning he’s gone through for all that time and those intense feelings of unworthiness and low self esteem, he could very well be pushing it all away, because not only is someone as amazing as Ed liking him back near impossible to fathom, actually acting on any of these feelings is a whole different matter too.
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