[In early May 1967, w]hile the Redlands trio [Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, and Robert Fraser] awaited trial, DS [Norman] Pilcher raided Brian Jones’s London flat, busting him and his friend Prince Stanislas Klossowski de Rola, the extravagantly named son of the French painter Balthus. Brian and Prince Stash, as he was known for short, were taken down to Kensington Police Station in a blaze of publicity and charged with possession of cocaine and cannabis, Jones charged additionally with possession of cocaine and methedrine. They went from the police station to the new high-rise Hilton Hotel on Park Lane, where the Stones’ new American manager Allen Klein was staying, but the hotel management made it clear that Jones and de Rola were not welcome, which is when Prince Stash took a call from Paul McCartney, whom he knew slightly. Prince Stash explained to Paul that he and Brian couldn’t stay at the Hilton, and couldn’t go back to Brian’s flat because of the press. Brian had other places he could go, but Stash, a foreigner, didn’t know what to do. ‘I’m sending my car and driver right now. You’re packing your bags and moving into my house, and if they want to bust you again they’ll have to bust me as well,’ Paul said. So Prince Stash joined Paul and Dudley at Cavendish Avenue, running movies on Paul’s 16mm projector, taking drugs and entertaining what Stash describes as harems of girls, including a [woman] named Iggy [Evelyn Rose], while Beatles fans camped outside, periodically bursting in through the gates ‘like sort of cattle breaking through a fence’. They’d steal Paul’s laundry and empty his ashtrays—‘Did he smoke this?’—before being ejected.

[—from Fab: An Intimate Life of Paul McCartney, Howard Sounes]

ftm trans Eddie Munson gets turned into a chew toy for hell bats and rescued in the 11th hour by his friends who don't know he's trans, who have to run some triage first aid and can hardly make sense of the blood and gore that used to be his body as they cut off his shirt and pants to get access to the worst of the wounds, who definitely aren't in their right minds well enough anyway to think of anything other than stopping the bleeding and getting him to a hospital, which they do, and miraculously Eddie finds himself blinking awake in a bright, fluorescent room feeling exactly like he imagines a chew toy for hell bats would feel in the aftermath which is to say: like shit. Even more miraculously, he finds hometown hero Steve Harrington posted up at his bedside with greasy hair (!!! Eddie never thought he'd see the day) and bags under his eyes.

The overwhelming relief on Steve's face when he sees Eddie is awake is touching, the misty eyes and cracking voice when he says god, i thought you were toast, man are downright flattering and, let's face it, giving Eddie all the wrong ideas that he figures he has an I-almost-died pass for at the moment so he rocks with it, let's himself indulge in the fantasy for a moment. Then, gradually, Steve's relief becomes more and more obviously some brand of deeply felt pity (or sympathy, but Eddie's never been good at distinguishing the two), which bursts his bubble enough to call him out.

"I know I look like what comes out the business end of a meat grinder, but I swear I'm good, dude. They definitely have me on the good shit, I hardly feel it. I'll be good as new in no time." Big fat fucking lie, by the way, but he'll say whatever if it gets that wounded puppy look out of Harrington's eyes.

"I...yeah, Eddie, I'm glad." And whatever it is he doesn't want to say, whatever is putting that you poor motherfucker look on his face, he's absolutely the opposite of subtle about it.

Eddie can hear the manifestation of his panic on the heart monitor.

"What? What is it? Is everyone- is Dustin-?" He can't say it, can't even think it, would rather be slowly torn to shreds all over again than know he failed at his one fucking task to keep the kid safe.

"No! I mean, yes, he's fine, they're all fine. Henderson's got a broken ankle and both of Max's arms are broken but the docs say they'll be fine in a few months with physical therapy."

The release of tension in Eddie's body hurts almost as much as the relief soothes him. "Okay then, what the fuck are you not telling me? It's fine, I'm a big boy, Harrington, I can take it."

He sighs, looking sick with it. "Eds...I don't know how to tell you this."

Oh god, what the fuck. Eddie's right back to freaking out because Steve looks inexplicably guilty, pained in the face like he's about to deliver the worst news he could imagine but if everyone's fine then-

"It's your dick, man. It's- it's gone. The bats-"

And Eddie laughs so hard he tears about a dozen stitches, immediately stops laughing, and throws up over the side of the bed and thankfully not all over his freshly reopened wounds as Steve shouts for help.

Eventually, when he's all stitched up again and barely hanging on to his hard earned lesson to not literally bust his gut laughing about the look on Steve's face (he has to force himself not to tell Wayne the specifics of how he ended up back in the OR, because he's absolutely gonna crack up and Eddie will definitely be unable to help himself from laughing with him), he realizes he's going to come out to all his friends in the very near future because holy shit, he has to tell everyone about Steve's utterly devastated expression at the news of Eddie's Ken doll-ification by way of demobat.

I'll have you know that I talked with friends ages ago about Shepard resting her cheek in his palm about how much trust you have to have bc god turians could rip you(a human) apart!

Then you put it in writing and I nearly combusted. I have to take some floor time.

I can tell that the fic is gunna destroy me in the best way

Dude, don't get me started on the topic of physical vulnerability in romance/sex! You already have though, so here goes, sorry (I'm not).

As an unashamed monster fucker/monster romancer, this is what it's all about! There is something so moving, so entrancing about a character finding safety, comfort, and pleasure from a character that possesses traits that frighten others, especially physically. Scenes where Belle softened her nerves and touched Beast tenderly shook me as a child! The bravery, vulnerability, and kindness it took is so touching. His huge mits that just swipe wolves away, the sharp claws on his thick fingers...and she just puts her tiny little hand in his, trusting him to be gentle with her! UGH! My heart.

Have you watched or read The Ancient Magus Bride? It's probably my favorite monster themed story. There's this scene where Elias (who looks scary even in his "normal" form) busts out into full scary monster mode and just SHREDS something that hurts Chise, and when it's over he's self conscious and ashamed, not wanting her to see him like that, and her reaction is so beautiful! She accepts him as is, and offers him assurance and kindness. UGH! My heart!

Monster fucking/romancing, to me at least, is all about accepting someone who's different, but it's also about finding comfort and safety in something you're supposed to fear. It's about finding beauty and attraction in features you're supposed to fear, like sharp claws/talons, sharp teeth, etc. It's about a character allowing themself to be vulnerable and trust that the other character is going to be tender. Because that's what love really is, right? Exposing your vulnerabilities to someone and trusting that they'll treat you with tenderness. That you'll open yourself up to someone, letting them see all of your imperfections and insecurities, and they'll still love you, protect you, be gentle with you. Portraying this emotional vulnerability through literal physical vulnerability just works so beautifully. It's a literal "you could hurt me right now, but I'm going to trust you and give myself to you anyway."

Ok, and there's also a lot of great play between pleasure and pain in sex scenes, if you're into that. Talons pinching into thighs, teeth raking across skin, etc.

So yes I will jump at any chance to depict this. Garrus and Shepard fit this so well because turians are apex predators, their teeth and talons are sharp, they look fast and agile, and god damn are they beautiful. And they're tall and have huge hands! They're ripe for monster fucking/romancing themes. In this fic in particular (it was titled Invisible String originally but the rewritten version will be titled and posted as Singularity) vulnerability and trust will play important roles in Shepard and Garrus's relationship, so of course I had to bust out some displays of trust juxtaposed with scary anatomy. Garrus in Archangel mode is a threatening sight (which I effing love), so having Shepard meet him and find comfort and safety in his presence gets my heart beating.

I'm so happy you enjoyed that little bit where she rests her cheek in his palm! There will be lots of Shepard seeking comfort from a dom-leaning Garrus in that fic.

I hope to post soon, but my silly brain is telling me it's not good enough yet so I keep poking at it. Crossing my fingers that the rest of the chapter makes you combust too 😊

Thanks for sending me this! I'll always get up on a podium to talk Shepard/Garrus, romance writing, and monster loving ❤️

Appreciation Post!!

I've seriously been wanting to make a big post appreciating some of the dca content creators that I love (especially after getting to know some of them better) so here's a bunch of compliments and thoughts on them! (Also this is in no order, ily all very much ❤)

@madame-mongoose: Monnster!!! Oh, I love Monnie. Very bullyable (this is a pro). Always so funny and making me laugh. When Monnie comes online, I know there's gonna be some fun times to be had. Easy to talk to and my clone apparently. I wouldn't have made all these new friends if it weren't for Monnie and Sy, so I'm very appreciative of her uwu. Art is very shapely, bendy, very cartoonish in a pleasing way. And very unique to Monnie! I don't think I've seen anyone else with an artstyle like Monnie's. Characters are juicy, very well thought out and full of pain. Your mom.

@suokumi: You came crashing in one day and life has never been the same. Suo is full of love and passion and awful terrible disgusting sleeping habits. But they make up for it by telling everyone else to take care of themselves because they love you sososo much. Really talented, but don't tell them that or else they'll die. Anyway yeah, Suo Art my beloved and also Suo my beloved because we're married. Can bust out 50+ sketches in an hour and is like "dont look" even though I'm frothing at the mouth and shaking them. I love you Suo mwah ❤️

@opudontdonut: La Creatura!!! Bites everyone like watermelon. very fun, very gremlin. Pops in every now and again and throws everyone into a frenzy. A biting frenzy. Good Gaslighter. Take that as you may. Draws chibis really unique in a way I cannot replicate but is so so so so cute. Art is very distinct too!!! The line work especially is very noticable? Thick black lines. Draws the boys v skrunkly too. Nightmare and therapy au my beloveds.

@ariisonfire: TALENTED!!! Very, very talented. Animates, codes, arts, does just about everything and is good at it. Very funny doodles, very dorky. I love Ari!!! Very cute (cutest giggles this side of uh. Idk just really cute giggles) and provides me with Vector content. My spouse, no matter what Lily says.

@skittlewaffle: LOVE the way Kay draws the boys. Her art in general is so sharp and intentional. Precise. Very cartoony as well, good for animation me thinks. Has good AU ideas and brainstorms really well. Literally. The fucking paragraphs kay busts out that obliterate my mind. Also very fun person to hang out with, very silly.

@pillowspace: Beautiful, wonderful person. Somehow manages to draw on her 3ds??? Like a god?? Loves rotini (eat something else I'm begging you) KEEPS FUCKING REBLOGGING MY WATERFALLS PIECE Also has similar brain thoughts as me (ooie to Angel Tango jumpscare) Has a beautiful voice, fr. Sang a song for me which melted my little heart. Makes gut-bustingly funny gifs at the speed of light. Also says??? Things that make no sense but are very funny.

@vilz: Oof, what's not good to say about Val? You know that meme that's like "You're the funniest mother fucker on this webbed site" that's Val. Val's the funniest. Their comics always make me bark laugh like an idiot. Writes very poetically, reading their stuff is like. Like being punched but with a soft caress. Val art is good for the soul, me thinks. Even their doodles on receipt paper give me all the chemicals. Hanging out with Val leaves me smiling for the rest of the day, very fun company.

@cloudyvoid: SUPER talented. Can you believe they drew and rigged their own Vtuber model? I know, impressive right? Draws the DCA skrunkly and lanky just how I like 'em. BRAINS SO HARD WITH ME ABOUT DROWSIE AND GAIA!!? Very nice wonderful person as well, fun company. And ooughhh I just love the oc brainrot with her. Could do it all day, love you mwah.

@crazedauthor: Knows all the fanfics. Well maybe not all, but knows the ones I happen to be thinking about. Pops in mid brainstorm to add something juicy that adds fuel to the fire. Human gasoline. Got obliterated by 1 (one) chip. o7

@daunsun: Another sketch machine. Gives me Eclipse content. FIABC liker, which automatically elevates her status. Tries to shoot people who make fanart, but she deserves it so idk what to tell you. And then turns around and makes fanart for other ppl. smh double standards. Love the way she draws humans. And the boys, but that goes without saying. Honestly the way daun draws the boys is sooo good it's like. I can't even describe. It's like cupcake. Long cupcake.

@cakesfunhouse: Hi __ I'm Cole looking ass. Shoots me dead with fluffy ramblings all the fucking time. Brainstorms really well, dropping good ideas like they had them shoved in their pockets ready to throw. Actually really sweet and fun to talk to. Gremlin, though so beware, they bite. Draws biblically accurate dca fluff, so what's not to love. Will pop in randomly while you're talking to someone else to add something that kills me dead. Like wheezing laughter.

@nmfergus: Nikki my beloved 💜 such a sweetheart, loves to see people happy and excited, always asking questions and seeing how everyone is doing. CHICKENS!!! Farmville. Also Corndrop. Ask Nikki about corndrop. Can you guess what he sells? It's corn. The answer is corn.

@paper-lilypie: LILY!!! omg Lily real. Art is all soft lines and easy to read expressions and kisses and snuggles and basically when I see lily art it's like drinking a cup of hot cocoa. Also the way Lily draws hands? God, what a legend. Give me your hands. Little hater. And enabler. But she's my little hater/enabler so it's okay ❤️ love me a good Lily spotting. Has good au ideas too.

@sycopomp: SYBORG!!! I wouldn't be making this post if it weren't for them and Monnster. Sy writing makes brain go brrrr. Has this way of setting stuff up that pays off later? Like little hints into things that are really fun to pick apart/notice on your own. I can always picture what's happening in Sy writing really well which sucks for me personally when they write ouchie owies. But I love them for it mwah ❤️

@sinnabee: AH Sinna!!! Magician Au makes my brain neurons activate so hard. Very sweet as well, love doing magmas with her. Also funny and caring. Don't get to hang out with much because if timezones but I am always very happy when I do get to vibe with a Sinna. Has wonderful beautiful line work and cool ocs I want to know more about.

@spaciebabie: Chaos. (I'm tempted to have that be the only thing I put here) Also makes me laugh!! drops in and says some shit that has me giggling sillystupid. Art is bubbly. Round. Rotund. Want to get to know better!!! Pizza.

Special Mentions/People I want to get to know better:

@oobbbear: Bearz. Bearz my beloved. Your art makes my heart explode. And you're so funny even without knowing you well. 👁👁 The way you draw so chibi and yet so detailed? Like the way you draw hands? Impeccable. Also H mouth. H mouth so cute. I honestly don't think I would have gotten into drawing Sun and Moon fanart if it wasn't for Bearz' aus infecting me like a disease. So everyone say thank you to Bearz for roping me into this!

@hexheathen: MY NUMBER ONE FAN ❤ My bestie who doesn't know the jesties. I love you with all my heart, and I love spending time with you and the rest of our pals. This is my appreciation post and I say you get appreciated.

@bones-of-a-rabbit: SHY BEAN. Drops some cute ass shit and skitters away. Wish I could know better! They have a lot of good ideas and honestly I see them as one of the best fluff writers for DCA content. It was in Reality Not Fine my beloved. I've said it once and I'll say it again: They really capture the word "Lovestruck" with their expressions. When people say, "They looked at them like they hung the moon and the stars," I imagine the way Rabbit draws sun and moon looking at y/n. It's honestly such a talent.

im new to the terror so forgive me for this v broad question but ... what are The Ships here ... i know fitzier is big but what else is ... jopzier? is that what they're called? i wanna b in the kno so bad lol also feel free to use this space to talk about dynamics (romantic or otherwise) that ur rly interested in ^_^

AGH OKAY.. trying to wrackmmy brain into remembering all the relevant pairings . it's 4am forgive me if i forget.

fitzier - self explanatory, fitzjames and crozier. somehow speedrun being worstie coworkers to being in a 10 year long tender marriage over the course of a two/three year long expedition. my favorite to read fics for / talk about. they look like this to me 🦭🦙

joplittle - jopson and little. i will be real i don't care for them as much just because i care too much about jopson and crozier but i do get it. what if we were both busting our ass for a guy and only one of us got the praise from him for it ❤️ what if we we became responsible for an entire ship's worth of men on a doomed arctic expedition becahse our captain was too sick to think...together ❤️

bridglar - bridgens and peglar. one of the two canonical couples on the crew. very in love very married i'm not big on them but i understand why. they'll only resort to cannibalism if it means they'll both survive they fit together perfectly and when they die they'll wake up in the afterlife with the other in their arms. what's there not to love!

jopzier - jopson and crozier! dutiful steward and the captain he's dedicated himself to out of sheer love and respect And also because he sees him as a mother figure but i won't get into that. okay this one's my actual favourite i can't even pretend i'm not batshit about them. crozier does not deserve that man but it's okay whatever makes jopson happy ❤️ also when i mean jopson sees him as a mother figure the Him in question is himself. i don't believe in that He Wants Crozier To Mommy Dom Him line of thinking. anyways. what was this thread about. oh yeah pairings.

goodsilna - goodsir and lady silence/silna. i wish i could talk about these two more but i'm not articulate enough to convey what i think about them. they're traumabonded siblings they're the only ones who truly see the other for who they are they're completely incompatible they're all the other has they couldn't have possibly loved the other but they did. i need to rewatch the show just to solidify my feelings on them more but god they're one of the best dynamics the show has

hickeygibson - gibson and hickey! RAT MARRIAGE and the cause of most of my mental anguish ❤️ my two beautiful wives who love each other fiercely until the need to survive tears them apart what's not to love

hickeytozer - tozer and hickey. cop boyfriend with the mr beast haircut and his frequently unemployed gay boyfriend that puts his cigarettes out on tozer's arm. they're great i love hickey and his stupid dog he feeds chocolate to for fun

hickeycrozier - hickey and crozier. um. well. what if your captain loved your men more than god loved them but just fucking hated you in particular and used you as a scapegoat for all his frustrations and failings as a captain leading you to become the gay racist joker of the seven seas. and also what if you said a slur you couldn't reclaim in front of him and like 2 years ago he gave you a drink all flirty. well this all happened to my friend cornelius so you can imagine how he feels about that.

fitzfranklin - sir john + fitzjames. This is a sneak they're not at all popular but I have to shove them in somehow. You know how jfj is constantly trying to get older men to praise him like. Haha best walker in the service i told sir barrow that without blushing ❤️ Hey francis can I talk to you about how my dad didn't care about me and also how we're like brothers ❤️. This is the natural culmination of that to me especially considering how hard she dickrides for franklin in the beginning. Please consider them even though they barely exist. For me.

omg elaborate on your traumatic childhoods for hibihiyo + takane .... iirc takane is raised by her grandma right?

oh!! well it's nothing super awful compared to everyone else's

my hc for hibiya comes from the fact his parents lock him out of the house when he asked to go to the city😭😭😭 the only way they agreed was bc he said he'd study but even like that they didnt want it he had to lie abt a special course abt india and pretend he was obsessed with india. which is a very funny bit BUT yeah they lock him out of the house at night. with WOLVES.👎 awful move amamiyas.

my hc actually leans a bit more to what the anime shows since in the novels both his parents do that but in the anime it's the dad. so my hibiya hc is he comes from a Toxic Masculinity Household. he's from an old fashioned farmer family in a small village yknow (they have a dojo in the anime buuuut farmer hibiya is real 4ever👨‍🌾 idk why the anime did that. idk why the anime did many things)

anyways so his dad biggest piece of shit person alive. his mom. his mom is NICE hibiyas definitely close to her while he's afraid of his dad but i think she is maybe the kind of mom to break down all the time and be like oh poor me my life is misery and hibiya feels responsible for her. like she is not bad shes just been married to an awful awful guy for many years, she's a victim but also makes it very known she's a victim. hibiya definitely is the type of kid who feels like he has to shield his mom. hibiya's mom i love you. she is said to pour him tea in the hallway while he waited for hiyori to call him (before locking him out of the house but like i said im ignoring that it was just the dad 2 me💥👨‍🌾)

FOR HIYORI look ayaka literally ESCAPED from her parents. hiyori didnt KNOW she had a sister. and they're rich people. i think they're very old parents and hiyori is a last minute kid bc their first one was a Bust according to them so they'll have another Heir and this time do it RIGHT that means eyes on her all the time, giving her 0 autonomy but also absolutely everything material she asks for so we keep her under control. something like that. just very controlling parents but i also hc hiyori is so off the rails after the august in the city and they're pretty old already so they're like Ohhh god. and they're always fighting lol but before that hiyori was like Yes sir with them. think the northwests in gravity falls lol

and for takane I've obviously talked of her. but answering what u said, honestly we dont actually Know if she was raised by her grandma. and if she was, it's her grandparents! both!! her grandpa was around til his death, which is implied to be a little before or after takane starts highschool since he picked that school for her. her parents work overseas but her grandparents take charge to the point they're choosing what school she will go to etc, you know?? these arent headcanons btw that's all canon. we just dont know.... why. im so curious bc it's so oddly specific lmao like why werent the grandparents just. parents. but no. she's said to live with her grandma but used to also have a grandad and her parents work overseas. like. what. what was the need to come up with all this bro

anyways my headcanons. i do hc she was raised by her grandparents. since the parents work overseas im assuming they're very career oriented, and since the grandparents are both individually mentioned to be super worried about takane's illness, im assuming the grandparents were like can you STOP taking this sick kid from place to place and the parents were like fiiiine. here u can have her😐 and that's it lol i dont think they're rich parents or HORRIBLE PEOPLE i know it's popular to hc them as these Awful Horrible People i personally think they aren't Mean. they just are not AROUND. i dont think they'd be mean to her if they saw her i think they'd just sit there rly awkward like so... how is school going.... but they Won't because they Don't care👍

my extra hc is that the grandparents dont get along with the parents bc of this, or they're like wtf how did we raise someone who ABANDONED THEIR CHILD. so they raise takane with that in mind a lot and amd and and they're family.... and love each other... we do also gloss over takane losing her grandpa i know it's cuz its BARELY MENTIONED AND ITS AN ODDLY SPECIFIC DETAIL WE JUST. HAVE. but she was like 15 or 16 when he dies bro u_u fuck the tateyamas crying for ayaka can i see how my girl ene was doing losing unnamed grandfather

Hi I love your blog so much! This might be a long shot but do you know of any fics of Isaac/Jackson? Or any well developed Isaac/Scott?

@kevaaronday found these Isaac/Jackson fics for you!

Fits Just Right by FiccinDylan (1/1 | 6,544 | Mature | Jisaac) In the city of Beacon Hills, most of the teenagers wait for their presentations to tell them if they're alpha beta or omega, patiently. They simply let mother nature take it's course and understand that once they turn 15 or 16 they'll find out. 

Jackson is 17 and pretty sure Mother Nature hit the snooze button on his presentation like 20 times by now. He was getting irritated and it was time for that bitch to get it moving.

On top of that he has to deal with Stilinski's "don't go chasin' waterfalls' busted tap ass and Derek Hale's knot that's hotter than the fucking sun. Those two jerks get their presentations before Jackson? Now how is that fucking fair?

This is me trying by HopeSilverheart (1/1 | 5,676 | Teen | Jisaac) “You have so much potential, Jackson, you just need to stop worrying about your image so much and start doing what you do best instead.”

“And what’s that?” Jackson asked, hoping he didn’t sound half as vulnerable and unsure as he felt.

“Helping people,” Isaac answered, kissing Jackson sweetly and taking all the tension out of his shoulders. “You’re a good man, Jackson Whittemore, you just have to start believing it.”

Or: Jackson doesn't start off as the world's best social worker, but he'll get there eventually.

Somewhere in Beacon Hills by ash_mcj (1/1 | 4,040 | Teen | Jisaac) Isaac, plagued by PTSD-fueled nightmares, lets himself find comfort in an unlikely person. And if Jackson lets himself do the same...well, that's between them.

(Teen Wolf Bingo Square: Touch-Starved)

A Stroll at Midnight by Castiels_honeybee (1/1 | 3,880 | Teen | Jisaac) “Oh my god what the fuck is that?” Jackson says, only mildly hysterically, from behind the group. 

“Why does he smell like that?” Isaac winces, choking off a gag. 

“Is he actually a fucking zombie?” 

“No, I don't think so?” Derek means for it to be reassuring, but it comes out more of a question.

-OR- 

an unexpected visitor makes his way into the hale pack territory uninvited and the pack has no idea what to do with him.

Embrasse-moi, asshole by tiniestawoo (1/1 | 3,588 | Explicit | Jisaac “You can stop staring any time now,” Isaac said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“What are you doing here?” Jackson repeated.

“I already told you I work here, I know you took some hits to the head, but you were never that–”

“In France, dumbass,” Jackson scoffed, “Why are you in France?” 

Isaac bit the inside of his cheek to stem the rising swell of emotion but from the look on Jackson’s face he failed. “I didn’t have anywhere else to be?”

--

Or the one where Jackson goes to France with friends, runs into a ghost from the past and realizes that maybe there's more to life than just surviving. Jackson Whittemore Can Sing by stilinskihalefamily (1/1 | 2,908 | Gen | Jisaac) Isaac follows the music up the stairs and down the hall lined with doors. He passes by Stiles’ room, he rarely uses it, he says Derek’s bed in comfier. Passes Erica and Boyd’s shared room. With each room he passes the music gets louder until he’s standing outside of Jackson’s.

The pack don’t really have boundaries, which they should, he’s seen things. But he walks in without knocking anyway. He’s definitely not expecting what is in front of him.

At first Isaac can’t do anything but gape at Jackson. Safe Haven by skargasm (1/1 | 1,290 | Mature | Jisaac) The only thing he would allow Jackson to do was be his safe haven..

Rare Pairs @ 1 Million Words glitter under club lights by ash_mcj (1/1 | 1,027 | Teen | Jisaac) “Do you wanna dance?” Jackson asked casually, as if it were a completely normal thing to suggest. As if they were friends, instead of two bastards that came from the same hell hole, who hadn’t spoken in years.

Isaac raised an eyebrow at him. “With you?”

“No shit.” Jackson rolled his eyes as he stood up straighter—making the diamond-studded mesh crop top he was wearing hug his torso deliciously tighter. “I mean, the last time we danced together, you were trying to stab me in the neck with a tranquilizer, so…”

“So, what?” Isaac chuckled, turning to face Jackson. “You think I owe you a dance?”

Jackson shrugged, coyly biting his lower lip. “I think that’s only fair.”

[or: the jisaac reunion we all deserved, since they were both in europe]

Sorry I'm late with the women's FS review, you-know-which dress took me out, and now I'm also reeling from H/B's WD. Why does god hate me? Anyway, redemption fashuns from many this time around.

Young - a decent dress, very pretty skirt, but I'm wishing away the darker shade at the top. If she's already skating to an autumnal theme, if the soft yellow had continued up and they'd just used rust-colored rhinestones, she would've looked like a leaf changing colors and it would've been light and bright, which she needs rn. One of several kinda stereotypical skating dresses here, but what're ya gonna do. I feel really bad for her because we can see the sadness in her eyes and I wish she'd allow herself to take a break. The Korean ladies already look tired and we know why 😡.

Our poor baby Clare. Her presence here is less reflective of her preparedness and more of her coaches' seemingly pathological need to insert themselves into the conversation at any cost, regardless of whether they have anything to say. A mindless Yuna knockoff with matching styling from 10-15 years ago. Truly random stoning on the dress, and don't even get me started on the back. It's like they fed Yuna programs into ChatGPT and this is what it spat out. If we're doing over-the-boot tights, then why not cover the heel as well? Somebody pull this sweet child out of Colorado because she did incredibly well considering the material she was given.

Seoyeong - massive improvement, beautiful colors, great shading, but again - we've seen this exact dress in a million different iterations. Nevertheless, it doesn't offend me because it follows the lines of the body amazingly and it enhances rather than detract. They might wanna work on opening her shoulders a little bit. Exogenesis is officially overdone.

Hana is so cute! She kinda looks like a blend of Riku Miura and Akiko Suzuki, don't you think? The construction of the dress is good, but the appliques and rhinestone shapes seem truly haphazard. I don't know what the deal with the one red glove is, but I would've put it on the other hand. Kinda random combo of music pieces. A bit of a leg wrap they'll want to address but there were some moments of real sensitivity in this, I'm excited to see how she develops.

Omg Nini again. This could've been a spectacular dress, which is why I was in physical pain watching this. The color is fabulous, I love the lacy shoulder straps and neckline, but everything going on between the bust and the knees is a felony. Why is the bodice so narrow? Why are the side cutouts so big and asymmetrical? Wth is that medallion in the middle of her back? Why the chewed-up skirt? Just imagine if the tan gloves were purple lace matching the dress. I'm livid, I'm filing for emergency custody.

Okay, Katya - possibly the best dress she's ever had, but lbr it's a low bar. Nice colors and ombre, but I wouldn't have slit the sleeves and I would've just had them run to a point over her hands for extra flowiness and sense of extension, since she's itty-bitty. The V in the back and front is well-placed and the flowers I didn't mind since the front needed something, but they're a bit outdated. Not a fan of the opening signature Russian miming, but they're clearly working with her to mature her, it'll just take time. And can we please retire the arms above the head in the jumps? Btw, didn't Brian get a hip replacement, like, yesterday? I didn't expect to see him here at all. I see his tie is from the same fabric as Ilia's FS shirt and for that, he's canceled.

This will again be in two parts out of consideration for those who will have to scroll past my ramblings.

Correct opinions were shared.

Up To Heaven and Down To Hell

Chapter 1: Coal Miner's Daughter

(Screenshots of warnings and notes under the cut. Story starts after warnings and notes. If anything in this fic triggers you DO NOT PROCEED. This fanfiction is property of Wendyeve24! [me!] I will be keeping the text in the Tumblr uploads of my fic big for the visually impaired who have trouble reading small text. I hope you enjoy!)

"Do I have to wear this?" Lexi asked with a sigh as she gazed at her reflection in the mirror.

"Lexi. You look beautiful. You look just like your aunt on her wedding day." Suze replied as she straightened the train of Lexi's wedding dress and brushed a bit of hair back from her daughter's face.

"Yeah. I wish she could have seen it... it is her dress anyways..."

"You're lucky you could fit into it without any alterations. The same can't be said for your sister. By the way..." Suze walked over to the other side of the room and knocked on the bathroom door.

"Cassie? You alright in there hun?"

"Yes!"

"You and your sister need to get going. The church is thirty minutes away. We need to see you in your dress, make sure it fits this time!"

"Alright."

A moment later, Cassie emerged in her wedding dress, the bust showing an ample amount of her cleavage but it still fit perfectly.

"Oh, you look magnificent! I never thought my dress would fit so well on you."

Lexi turned around and saw her sister in their mom's wedding dress. She would be lying if she said she didn't feel jealous in that moment. Though both dresses were hand-me-downs, Lexi felt as if her dress was slightly swallowing her frame a bit, while Cassie's dress seemed like it fit like a glove despite her tits nearly popping out of the top of the dress.

"Alright. You girls look absolutely beautiful. I think it's about time for us to go." Suze said as she smiled at the both of them.

Lexi sighed for the billionth time that day and grabbed her bouquet, Cassie grabbed her bouquet as well and Suze grabbed her purse, made sure her flask was full of wine and led her daughters out of the little wooden house they lived in located in Butcher Hollow.

Lexi buckled up her seat belt in the backseat of the VW Beetle with her sister. Their mother would be driving them to the church.

She tightened her grip on her bouquet as she looked back at the home of the Howard Family. It would probably be the last time she saw it.

"Lexi, your knuckles are completely white." Cassie said as she poked her little sister's shoulder, snapping the brunette out of her morose thoughts.

"Oh. Yeah, well... how could they not be?" Lexi said with a sad tone.

Suze started up the car after taking a quick swig from her flask and started to drive away from the house.

Cassie rolled her eyes before speaking.

"Cheer up Lex. God you're so depressing! It's a happy day, we're getting married!"

"To men we don't know, Cassie. We don't know who they are, what they look like, where they're from, if they'll like us, if we'll even like them, we don't even know their ages or names!" Lexi replied as she cut her eyes towards her older sister, glaring at her and exuding annoyance at the situation.

"Mom! Tell her to shut up, she's sucking the fun out of my day!" Cassie complained.

"I'm not sucking the fun out of our day, Cassie. I'm being honest. We shouldn't even be in this situation! Why do we have to do this!? It's 1977! Not 1877!"

Suze hit the brakes and whipped her head around in her seat.

"That's enough! Shut up, both of you! I won't hear another goddamn word about this! You girls are getting married today to two men you don't know! Yes, it's scary... terrifying even. The same thing happened to me and your aunt, may she rest in peace. I married your father in the same church you're going to get married in, and I went through with it because I had no other choice! Girls, we're poor. We live in Appalachia. I want a better life for you both, a life I can't give you because your father is a broken man who can't get his shit together. You girls are lucky, you're going to be marrying supposedly well-to-do men. These men want wives, and their families seem nice, but they told me through the ad in the paper they want families of their own, and you girls are the right one's to give that to them. You both are going to need to endure. You must. You don't have a choice. You'll get to know them in time and they'll get to know you. You probably won't love them right away... but I want you two to try. Now quit arguing and relax. Today is a happy day... a great day. A great fucking day!" Suze said before taking another swig from her flask and resumed driving down the road.

Lexi looked out of the window silently, watching the scenery pass by as a tear streamed down her cheek.

Once the Howard's faded yellow VW Beetle pulled up to the church. Suze got out of the car and opened the door for Cassie first. Cassie straightened her wedding dress and stepped into the church entrance, hugging her best friend and maid of honor Maddy as soon as she saw her.

"Oh you look amazing!"

"Thank you! Where is everyone?"

"They're already sitting down in those dusty ass pews. Kat told me to tell you that her and Ethan cut their honeymoon short for this wedding, so it better be worth it." Maddy said.

"They didn't need to do that! I could've mailed them some photos."

"You know Kat, she wouldn't miss this for the world. And neither would I. Speaking of missing this, where the Hell is your sister?"

"She's coming. She's extra mopey today. She really doesn't want to go through with this. Maybe Rue could talk some sense into her?"

"Oh no. You and I both know that's not happening Cas. Rue is just as against this as Lexi is. I heard her mom is trying to get her to marry some random guy or else Gia is gonna have to get married instead. I told her, at least her mom gave her the guy's name, where he's from and what he does for a living, you and Lexi aren't so lucky."

"What guy is trying to marry Rue?"

"Some guy named Elliot. He lives in Tennessee. I heard he's a musician... you know the type. One of those hippie drop acid kind of guys that loves music but hasn't managed to get a record deal. Basically a loser. I heard Jules went to Tennessee last week... I think she's been trying to find him, she might be interested."

"Oh. Well, I hope it works out. Gosh I'm nervous. Have you seen him?"

"No. I've seen his parents though. His dad's name is Cal and his mom's name is Marsha. I saw a guy with them. I think it's the guy's older brother. Heard his mom scolding him, I think she called him Aaron? He looks handsome but there's no telling if your husband is the runt of the litter or not." Maddy said.

Cassie took a deep breath.

"Okay... I just... hope and pray he's at least handsome. Did you see Lexi's husband's family?"

"No. His side of the church is... practically fucking empty except for one pew. There's an old lady who looks really mean, a boy who looks mean, and a blonde girl who looks like she has no idea what she's doing here. It's so tacky to be honest. They look like... I don't know like they're from up North or something. Like New York. Seeing Northerners around here is so weird."

Cassie had an unreadable look on her face, though deep down she was slightly concerned upon hearing that. Was her sister's husband going to be mean? If he was from up North, would he take Lexi back with him? How would she even adjust in such a big city? Her mind started to race slightly before seeing her little sister broke her thoughts.

Lexi finally walked over to them and hugged Maddy.

"How're you holding up?" Maddy asked.

"I'll be better once this is over." Lexi replied simply with a frown.

"Where's Rue?" She added.

"She's coming, you know how wedding stuff freaks her out."

"Do I look freaked out to you?" Rue said as she stared at Maddy, a hand on her hip as she walked over and hugged Lexi.

"You look like a knock-out, Lex."

"Thanks... I don't feel like one though."

Rue held Lexi's hand and gazed at her.

"I'm not gonna lie and tell you that everything will be fine, because we don't know... but, what I do know for sure is that if he hurts you... I'll kill him. Oh and if you need a getaway driver I'm available." She said with a reassuring smile.

Lexi smirked a bit as she heard her maid of honor speak.

"Alright, let's do this." Suze said, her breath smelling of cheap wine and cigarettes. She had taken a quick smoke break after she parked the car.

She began to straighten her daughters veils and she put them over their faces before locking arms with both of them.

The organ started and everyone in the pews stood up.

Maddy and Rue walked down the aisle and took their places to the side of the altar as the maids of honor. Maddy on the left, Rue on the right.

In the town, tradition was everything and in this instance of arranged marriage, the bride or brides would walk down the aisle first and the groom or grooms would walk down the aisle to the woman they would marry afterwards. For a double wedding like this that was popular in town amongst the citizens who were poor, one priest would officiate the wedding.

"Are you ready?" Suze asked her daughters.

Lexi let out a nervous and shaky "Yes" as her grip tightened once again on her bouquet.

Cassie pushed up her boobs with her hands and happily held her bouquet before she smiled, giving an excited "Yes."

The organ got louder this time as Suze walked her daughters down the aisle, the veils covering Cassie and Lexi's faces. Suze walked them to the altar and sat down in the empty row behind Lexi's soon-to-be husband's family. She quietly introduced herself to the older woman that sat in front of her.

At the altar, Cassie and Lexi stood there. As was tradition, they faced the priest and waited to hear the wedding bell ring to signal the arrival of their soon-to-be husbands..

Rue gave Lexi a comforting gaze, as she noticed that her friend was trembling a bit.

Lexi gave Rue a smile before turning her attention back to the priest.

Rue then gazed at the guests in attendance, she smiled a bit at Jules, who silently waved at her from the pew she sat in.

Then, the wedding bells rang and the guests who remained sitting in the pews all turned their attention to the doors that had opened, and in walked the grooms as the organ played once again.

Kat and her husband Ethan briefly whispered to each other as they gazed at the two men who walked past their pew.

Rue's sister and her mother looked on in silence at the two men who walked past.

The church was full of whispers and the guests who didn't whisper simply looked on in curiosity.

Once the grooms made it to the altar they stood next to their respective brides.

Because of tradition, the grooms had been instructed to not turn towards their soon-to-be wives, both the brides and the grooms had to face the priest as he officiated the wedding.

"Dearly beloved... we are gathered here today to witness the holy matrimony of these two couples. Is there anyone here who does not approve of these impending unions? Speak now or forever hold your peace." The priest said.

Lexi wished that someone would stand up and object. She prayed that someone would. She didn't want to get married to a stranger. She wanted to go to college, get an education, live her life to the fullest the way she wanted to. She was nothing like her sister who was carefree and eager about becoming some rich stranger's wife and having his babies and becoming a housewife. Sure, marriage worked for their friend Kat and her husband Ethan... but it had taken them a while to get used to each other, and even now they would still get into bizarre disagreements with each other because of their stark differences. Lexi wanted love, and if she were to be married she wanted to marry for love, she wanted to one day have children out of love. She didn't want any of this to be an arrangement. But unfortunately... it was, and now she was here at the altar and she couldn't do anything about it.

No one objected. Everyone stayed silent. Lexi wanted to scream and run. But she couldn't. Because she knew her mother and her family would be the laughingstock of their society if she became a runaway bride.

After a moment, the priest continued.

"Good. Now do you men take these women as your lawfully wedded wives, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish in sickness and in health until death do you part?"

Both men said "I do."

"Do you women take these men as your lawfully wedded husbands, to have and to hold, to love, to obey and to cherish in sickness and in health until death do you part?"

Lexi cringed at the addition of "to obey". She strongly believed that all spouses should be equal to each other.

Cassie on the other hand didn't care about the addition of "to obey".

Both sisters simultaneously said "I do" and the priest continued.

"Do you gentlemen have the rings?"

Both men nodded wordlessly, knowing that they couldn't speak out of term until the ceremony ended.

Cassie's soon-to-be husband had a ring bearer who gave him the rings on a satin pillow, while Lexi's soon-to-be husband took his rings out of his pants pocket.

"Good. Place the rings on each other's fingers, you may now face each other."

They did so, though neither Lexi or Cassie could see their respective husbands faces through their veils.

Cassie could feel the weight of the diamond ring that was now on her finger, the diamond was huge. It made her feel absolutely giddy. The ring was a perfect fit.

Lexi however couldn't feel the weight of the diamond on her finger. The diamond was nice but it was relatively small and the ring was slightly big for her finger.

The sisters put the groom's rings onto their fingers. Cassie noticed her man had long fingers. She heard rumors about men with long fingers and she automatically wondered if he had big feet to match.

Lexi felt her man's fingers as she put the ring onto his finger. It was slightly calloused yet he had nice fingernails.

"By the power vested in me you may lift your bride's veils and you may now kiss your brides and speak before you walk down the aisle in holy matrimony. Amen." The priest said.

Cassie smiled as she felt her veil be lifted, and she grinned as she saw her new husband. He was tall, his hair was dark, his eyebrows defined. He was handsome. Cassie couldn't help but blush as she saw him. Without a word, he leaned down and kissed her intensely, his lips dominating hers. Cassie kissed him back, he was a really good kisser. Once the kiss was broken, he gazed at her, a smile on his face.

"Hello, Mrs. Jacobs." He said as he looked down at her, a pleased look in his eyes at his beautiful blonde busty bride. He already wanted to skip the reception and jump into bed with her... besides... she was all his now anyways.

Lexi felt her heartbeat in her throat. She shut her eyes out of fear as she felt her veil lift.

"Open your eyes ma. I ain't gonna hurt you." He said.

His voice sounded... different than any other man Lexi had ever heard, yet his tone was gentle and slightly soothing. She was hesitant, but eventually she opened her eyes.

He was a ginger, his hair was short almost close to being a buzzcut, he had a bit of a beard but it was short as well. His eyes were stunning. They were blue, bright blue. Seeing him, nearly rendered her speechless.

"I... I'm Lexi." She said.

"I'm Fezco. You can call me Fez, everyone does. I uh... we gotta kiss now. It's... you know, it's tradition or somethin'." He said, seeing her for the first time made him super nervous. She was beautiful, much more beautiful than he had imagined.

"Oh yeah... that's right." Lexi said with a nervous laugh before leaning in a little bit.

Fez decided to take the lead, sensing her nervousness and he kissed Lexi gently, he didn't want to frighten her.

Once the kiss was broken, Lexi looked at Fez and smiled. She took a breath before speaking.

"What... am I now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Oh I... I mean, what's my last name now?" She asked sheepishly.

"O'Neill." He responded.

Her new name was now officially Lexi O'Neill. It sounded... strange... she knew she'd have to get used to it.

"Well Mrs. O'Neill, I rented a limo to pick us up and drive us to a motel where the reception is being held."

"Oh. Okay. Thank you Fez." Lexi replied with a sheepish smile before turning around and looking at her sister. Cassie was actually making out with her extremely tall husband.

"Damn." Rue muttered under her breath as she stood and watched.

Lexi rolled her eyes at the scene and blushed slightly.

"Alright man, save some for the wedding night." Fez teased as he tapped the tall groom on the shoulder, sensing that Lexi was getting uncomfortable.

"Huh?" He turned around before looking down at Cassie in his arms.

"Oh yeah." He added.

"Do you... have a limo?" Cassie asked him.

"I'm richer than everyone in here, of course I have one." The tall man scoffed.

"Then... can we continue in the limo?" Cassie asked.

"Yeah, come on." He responded as he grabbed her hand and pulled her away from the altar, walking ahead of her as he practically dragged his bride out of the church.

"Uh... oh! What's your name by the way?" Cassie asked quickly.

"Nate. Nate Jacobs." He said as he led her over to his limo and got into the backseat with her.

"Aren't you going to ask my name?" She asked.

Nate didn't care about talking to her, he wasn't a fan of women who talked too much. But they had just gotten married and were complete strangers. He decided he might as well get to know her a bit... even though he could truly care less.

"Yeah. What's my wife's name?" He asked, acting as if he was interested in her.

"Cassie." She replied with a smile.

"Cassie... that's a nice name. So, Cassie... you wanted to continue where we left off?" He asked, flashing his pearly whites, knowing that his smile always had an effect on women.

"Yeah... but, I do wanna get to know you Nate. We are strangers." Cassie said.

Nate felt annoyance in his gut, though he fought it down. He'd let her know what he wanted her to know about him... simply put he loved control and having it... absolute dominance. She'd know her place soon enough.

"Alright. My dad owns two sports companies in Cincinnati and Vegas. My mom is a housewife. My older brother is married and he lives in Maryland. As for me, I live in Cincinnati and I'm next in line to inherit my dad's company, so I run the Cincinnati branch of the company. I've got a mansion, a pool, and I specifically told my parents to arrange for me to get married."

"Why?"

"I'm a red-blooded American man. Why do you think?" He asked sarcastically as his hand started to travel up her gown, he felt her left thigh and squeezed it. His hand soon roamed over to her pussy where he noticed immediately that she wasn't wearing panties as he started fingering her clit.

Cassie moaned and whimpered audibly.

"Tell me about yourself Cassie." He said darkly as he continued rubbing her clit.

"Oh! I... well, I was a cheerleader in high-school and now I usually do odd jobs around town to help keep the lights on at home. I've always wanted to be an ice skater and I... mmmm... I'm a... ah! I'm a virgin."

A poor cheerleader with dreams of being an ice skater who was also a virgin. Nate could laugh right about now... but he didn't. Oh no, he wanted to know more... delve into the deeper things... he wanted to know exactly who she was. He removed his fingers from her wet pussy and shook his wet fingers in disgust as he looked at her as if she were the dirty one.

"That's too basic. Tell me more. We are husband and wife now after all. I told you everything, now you do the same. It's only fair. I only saw your friends and your mom in the church when we left... funny, I didn't see your dad." He said questioningly.

"H-He's not around. He's a junkie and an alcoholic. He left my mom and my sister and I. Because of that we don't have much money at all coming into the house." Cassie said breathlessly, stunned after he had removed his fingers so suddenly.

"And you're telling the truth to me, that you're a virgin? I mean... any girl that looks like you... you had to have done something before... right?" He asked, his aura becoming intense suddenly.

"I... I..."

"You wouldn't lie to your new husband would you? A sweet girl like you with daddy issues. You know, if you tell me the truth... I can give you everything you want... everything your daddy never gave you. I can be your new daddy, Cassie. You just have to be honest with me." Nate said darkly as his hand started roaming up her side, brushing against her tits before wrapping around her throat. His other hand reached under her dress and his fingers teased the area around her pussy.

"I... I... I'm not a virgin... I... I had sex with a guy in town after graduation." She managed to choke out.

"I didn't mean to lie daddy. F-Forgive me." Cassie rasped as she felt his grip slightly tighten around her neck, making her light-headed before his grip slackened and he removed his hand from her throat. She started to cough before a moan emerged from her lips as he started rubbing her clit again and inserted his fingers into her pussy.

"Good girl. You deserve a reward for telling daddy the truth. You get to have daddy's fingers. But you don't get daddy's cock until our wedding night... and especially not before you do your duty in pleasing your new husband. Is that understood?" Nate said.

"Yes!" Cassie moaned as she vigorously nodded, tears running down her face at how good it all felt. She hadn't expected this at all. The pleasure was currently overtaking the feelings of alarm bells going off in her head. She wanted a husband, she had always wanted a husband... and if this was what marriage was, if her husband could be the only man in her life that would fill the void of how much she missed her father... then she'd put up with Nate and his behavior. Perhaps this would be fun for her and take away the constant boredom she felt at home... maybe it would bring some spice into her life... the spice she thought she so desperately needed. Perhaps he would become gentler and mellow out with time...

Cassie sat in the backseat, moaning and writhing, her arousal building up and she allowed him to bring her pleasure as she welcomed the beginnings of her role as his submissive slutty wife... which was exactly what Nate wanted. His mission in breaking his new wife down, had officially begun... and it was already a huge success.

Back in the church, Lexi had briefly talked to the rest of her friends, before her mother introduced her to Fezco's grandmother, brother and his friend.

"Lexi, this is Marie O'Neill. Your new husband's grandmother." Suze said happily.

"I've got a mouth, Mrs. Howard. You're real sweet. What do youse people call it around here... oh yeah, you're a peach. Mind if I talk to my new granddaughter in-law?" Grandma O'Neill said to Suze, giving her a slightly scary look.

"Oh I'm sorry, of course! Go ahead." Suze said before excusing herself, sipping from her flask and going over to the opposite side of the church to speak with the members of the Jacobs family.

Lexi smiled at Fezco and at his grandmother as the elderly woman sized her up.

"Hm. Ya know, that dress really swallows you up. Can't tell if you got good birthing hips on you or not." Marie said.

Lexi was taken aback.

"Oh I um... I... I think I have good uh... birthing hips?" Lexi responded.

Marie's eyebrow quirked up.

"I'm sorry, I really don't know what to say." Lexi added apologetically.

Fezco and his grandmother looked at each other before laughing.

"Uh ummm... what did I say?" Lexi asked.

"Oh quit sweatin' girl. I'm only pulling your fucking leg. Oh you country girls really do not get Northern humor do ya? It's alright. You'll learn. What's your name hun?" Marie asked after she stopped laughing.

"Lexi."

"Nice name. You ever been outside of Kentucky?"

"No. I've always wanted to travel though."

"Well, you're in luck. We O'Neills hail from Boston. It's nothing like the fucking sticks, thank God. You'll get used to it. Only thing I ask of ya is to make my grandson here happy. That's it. I ain't some fucking difficult nana that got a bunch of expectations. We'll see how well ya really do in Boston."

Lexi was slightly afraid yet excited to hear that Boston would be her new home.

"Thank you, uhhh..."

"Call me Marie."

"Alright, thank you Marie."

Fezco's grandma nodded with a smirk on her face before leaving the church, fanning herself and muttering about the heat as she went outside.

"I think grandma likes you." Fezco said.

"Really? You think she does?" Lexi asked in shock.

"She's rough around the edges... and tough as nails on the inside but when she loves she loves hard. She don't like everybody she comes across but you'd know if she didn't like you Lex."

"How come?"

Fezco scratched the back of his neck before smirking a bit.

"Well... let's just say she'd probably lay you out with a crowbar or a wrench if she ain't like you."

A shocked look came across Lexi's face.

"Really? She's... beaten people up with crowbars and wrenches?"

"Yeah, I've seen her. Hell, she actually taught my little brother Ash a thing or two. Hey Ash! Come here man, come meet your new sister-in-law or whatever. Don't be rude."

A young boy came over to Lexi with a frown on his face.

Lexi loved kids, so naturally she bent down to speak with him just in case he was nervous or shy.

"Hi Ash. I'm Lexi. I'm your brother's new wife. It's nice to meet you." She said gently.

Ash gave her a weirded out look as he gave his brother a glare briefly before looking at Lexi again.

"Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not a damn baby." He said in disgust before turning around and leaving.

Lexi was absolutely shocked as she stood back up.

"I'm sorry about that. He's a rude little motherfucker sometimes. He just gotta get used to you being around is all." Fezco said apologetically.

"Yeah, I understand." Lexi said softly.

She felt a tap on her shoulder and turned around to see a blonde girl with big lips wearing a tan fur coat, a loose fitting floral dress and platform boots. She was smoking a Virginia Slim and waved at Lexi.

"Hi. I'm Faye."

"Hi Faye. I'm Lexi."

"Oh yeah... Lexi, this is my friend Faye. She's from New Jersey originally but she lives with us in Boston." Fezco explained.

"Yeah. I used to be a porno star but I got fired in 70."

Lexi looked absolutely shocked.

"W-What? You did... porno?" She asked hesitantly.

"More importantly she got fired from doing porno." Fez pointed out.

"And... how does that happen?"

"Pissed my boss off by being too high to film." Faye said nonchalantly.

"Oh."

"You're gonna find that Faye is really chill." Fezco said.

"Yeah, I don't like mean people. Are you like, mean?" Faye asked, an absent-minded look on her face.

"No. I'm definitely not mean." Lexi replied with a smile.

"Good. I think I like you. Let's be friends. What's your name again?" Faye asked before taking another drag of her cigarette.

"Lexi."

"Yup. She's Mrs. O'Neill now Faye. You gonna be cool with that?" Fez asked.

"Yeah, that's like so groovy. Is she like... your mom now or something?"

"Faye, you literally just witnessed us getting married. She's not my mom, she's my wife."

"Oh! Is that why I'm here? I was wondering where the fuck I was!" Faye exclaimed.

Fez shook his head in disbelief.

"What the Hell did you do before you got here, Faye?" He asked.

"Acid." She answered before she took another drag of her cigarette.

Lexi simply stared at Faye.

"Alright kid. I gotta go to the limo with Lexi, I'll see you, Ash and grandma at the reception. Your ass better be there, go find grandma and stick with her so we don't leave your high ass behind."

"Alright, alright. Nice meeting you Fexi." Faye said blowing cigarette smoke from her big lips.

"Oh it's Lexi, and nice meeting you too Faye." Lexi corrected with a chuckle before she started walking out of the church with Fezco.

They got to his limo and after he let her inside, he got in and closed the door behind them.

Both of the newlywedded couples limousines started moving to the hotel the next town over for the reception, the wedding guests followed in their own modes of transportation.

"Your family is nice." Lexi said.

"There's no need to sugarcoat shit to make me feel better. My family is no Brady Bunch, Lex... I... hope that's okay with you." Fez said, a genuinely apologetic look on his face.

"It is. Actually, it helps me get a better idea of who you are. And though they seem rough around the edges, they're quite welcoming. And I like that." She replied.

Fez released a sigh of relief.

"I'm glad. I wouldn't want you to not like them. I just really wanted to make you feel comfortable, even though we don't really know each other yet. Uh, speaking of... though I don't know you yet and I hope to get to know you, I was wondering... about where you came from? You don't seem like a Kentucky girl, but shit how would I know?" Fez asked sheepishly.

Lexi couldn't help but giggle a bit.

"No you're right. I'm from Kentucky. From Butchers Hollow."

"Really? You don't seem like a Kentucky girl."

"How so?"

"You just seem more... advanced. More worldly... more educated. I dunno. I think it's the way you talk. You sound more Western than Southern actually."

Lexi was in awe after hearing him say that.

"Thank you. No one has ever really realized that about me. Not even my own sister."

"Well shit... I'm glad to be your first in that regard." Fez replied with a reassuring smile.

There was a slightly awkward silence between them before Lexi decided to break the ice.

"Uh so... Fez? Did you want to get married or were you forced into it?" Lexi asked, she at least knew that the men had a choice in the matter, the women had less choices when it came to marriage.

"I was kinda forced into it. My grandma, she ain't gonna live forever you know, Ash is still real young and Faye is... she's like a sister to me, a dumb little sister. My grandma told me she arranged a match for me cause there's not too many chicks in Boston that would be a good fit for me. They all like their hair and makeup and all that shit, they also like money and sex way too much. They don't have no real connections with emotions and shit. So, grandma said that a Southern girl would be a better fit... help me run the store I own and just live life y'know? She doesn't want me to be alone anymore so she basically forced me into this whole thing."

Lexi nodded before gazing at him.

"Do you... do you regret being forced into this?"

"Nah. Not at all. I mean, we don't completely know each other yet, but from what I do know right now is that you're fucking fearless for asking these questions, and you're beautiful in that dress, ma."

"Really? You like it? Your grandma said it swallows me up..."

"I love my grandma but fuck what she says, that dress looks fucking cool as hell on ya."

Lexi couldn't help but laugh.

"Thank you Fez. And... you look really handsome."

"Thanks. You're really sweet Lexi." He said with a smile.

"Thank you. Ah, I guess I should ask more questions so we can get to know each other better... like, a game of questions?"

Fez looked impressed.

"You just read my mind ma. What are you a mind reader too or some shit?" He asked.

"No." Lexi said with a chuckle.

She already liked that Fez was the kind of guy to constantly make her laugh, maybe humor was a key to getting used to being married, if so, she could definitely work with that.

"I ask you a question, then you answer it and you ask me a question and I answer it and the game goes on until we run out of questions." Lexi explained.

Fez nodded. "Aight, I gotchu. Go ahead, ladies first."

"Okay, um... What do you do for a living?" She asked.

"I own and run a grocery store in Boston, we sell all kinds of groceries and cigarettes and liquor, all that shit. Grandma retired from it some years ago and passed it down to me and Ash. We get a lot of customers everyday, it's a pretty popular place." He answered with no hesitation.

A grocery store. It sounded quaint. It definitely eased Lexi and her fears as to what he did for a living.

"Your turn." She said.

He looked up in thought before gazing at her with a smile.

Lexi felt herself sweat as she gazed into his piercing blue eyes. He was devilishly handsome.

"Am I... what you expected? Y'know... for a husband?" He asked.

"No. Not at all. I... I honestly thought I was going to be married off to some old man with dentures who would try to have his way with me the second he got me away from my family." Lexi responded as she crinkled her nose in disgust at the mental image of what she had thought her husband would probably be like.

Fezco gave her a surprised look before an amused smile washed over his face.

"Well ma, I'm sure as Hell not an old man, I don't have dentures and though I want a family, I'm not gonna have my way with you. I don't own you, and we're still strangers to each other. Whenever you wanna consummate, I'll be here." He replied.

Lexi was absolutely speechless. She really wasn't expecting this at all.

"I... I... Wow... I really thought you wanted to consummate our marriage tonight. I mean, we were all taught that the marriage isn't legal unless it's consummated."

Fez shook his head upon hearing what she had said in her confused tone.

"Nah. Fuck that. I want you to decide when you're ready for all that Lexi. I'm not gonna force you to have sex with me just cause we're married now. I've heard of enough dudes getting into the organization just because they wanna fuck a baby into their poor new wife just cause they can. I hate that shit. Hell, I've heard stories of the husbands not even knowing their wives names and they still fuck because they don't care about the woman they married. I fucking hate those kinds of dudes." Fez said in a serious tone.

Lexi simply stared at him. She was in shock. Fez seemed as if he really respected women... and Lexi hadn't really ever been around men who openly respected women like that, but here she was... married to one! It was extremely refreshing to her.

"Thank you Fezco." She said softly, gazing at him with a newfound admiration.

He nodded wordlessly before smiling at her and looking out of the window briefly as the limo moved through the town, headed to the hotel.

Lexi slowly moved her hand to his, the two of them looking at each other wordlessly.

"I... got a question..." She said softly.

"Shoot." He replied, his eyes never leaving hers.

"How old are you?" She asked.

"20. You?"

"18."

Fez nodded.

"What's your biggest dream?" He asked.

"To go to college and graduate... but... that's an impossible dream now." She said with a nervous laugh.

"No it's not. You still plan on going to college, right?"

"Yeah. I... still planned to go to college but then..."

Fez noticed that Lexi suddenly had a sad look on her face as she spoke. She immediately looked down trying to hide her sadness from him but he gently raised her face with his fingers on her chin so they could gaze into each other's eyes.

"Hey... you could still go to college." Fez said softly.

"No... I can't... I'm... your wife now." She replied as she shook her head, biting her lip to keep it from trembling as she used all her willpower to keep from crying at the thought of not going to college.

"Bullshit. You're my wife and you're gonna go to college." Fez said with a determined tone.

"Fez-" Lexi started as she gazed at him before he cut her off.

"No. I'll pay for it. I've got the money. You're gonna fulfill your dream. Being a college educated wife sounds so much better than just being a wife. I'm your husband now Lexi. I gotchu, ma. I know it's a lot to ask but... trust me?" He said as he absentmindedly held her hand to his chest, gazing into her eyes.

Lexi was silent for a moment before she smiled a bit and scooted closer to him, their faces close to one another, so much so they could feel each other's breath on their faces.

"Fez..." Lexi gazed at him as a tear ran down her cheek.

Fez ran his thumb across her cheek gently wiping the tear from her face.

His lips parted as if he was about to say something, before Lexi's lips found his... swallowing whatever words he was about to speak.

He kissed her back. Their kiss was gentle at first like it had been at the altar... but it soon got heated. Lexi moaned into the kiss as Fez practically pulled her into his lap. As the seconds passed the kiss got more heated as Lexi gripped the fabric of Fez's suit to pull him in closer. Fez's calloused hands explored their way up Lexi's wedding dress, and found her thighs as she straddled his lap. He found the closest area to her ass and stopped before Lexi moved his hands to her ass. He gave her ass a teasing squeeze, causing her to throw her head back and moan. When she threw her head back, Fez started kissing her neck which only managed to arouse her further.

"Fez... Fezco... tonight... I wanna consummate tonight... Oh! I don't wanna wait!" She whimpered.

Fez pulled away from her neck and looked her in the eyes.

"Lexi... are you sure, ma?" He asked cautiously, wanting to make sure that she was certain.

"Yes. Fez... I've never met a man like you. I don't think I ever will again. I just... really want to do this with you. We've only been married for an hour and you've already made me feel really comfortable with you... like I've known you for a long time. I'm ready... I want this. Fezco I want you. I want us to consummate our marriage on our wedding night." She answered breathlessly, before she started kissing his neck, making him moan shamelessly.

"But... are you sure, Lex?" He needed her to say it.

"I'm so sure about this Fez." She replied with a smile.

He smiled back at her, holding her in his arms as she held his face between her palms. He leaned forward and kissed her, feeling his cock awaken in his pants he broke the kiss.

"Shit... Lexi... don't move." He said quickly.

"Why?" She asked before she felt something poking her ass.

"Oh... Uh... does it hurt?" She asked.

"No. Just uncomfortable as fuck in these pants."

"When will it go down?"

"Soon ma... soon. In the meantime don't move a muscle." He advised.

Unfortunately for Fezco, they had arrived at the hotel for the reception with the other couple and the wedding guests. One of which was Suze who was already tipsy from her flask of cheap wine, and just so happened to open the limousine door so she could talk to her youngest daughter who to her, had more common sense than her older daughter... but she was immediately shocked upon seeing Lexi in Fezco's lap, it was obvious the two of them had been up to something.

"Oh God! I already walked in on your sister in her limo getting her husband's digits inside of her, and now I see you straddling your husband in your limo!? Can neither of you wait until the wedding night? Jesus!" Suze yelled as she rolled her eyes and went inside of the hotel, she was headed straight to the bar to erase those images from her mind.

"That... was my mom... I'm so sorry Fez." Lexi said as she covered her face out of embarrassment.

"Don't be sorry Lexi. Besides, she helped me out a bit."

"Huh? What do you mean?" Lexi asked as Fez eased her up off of his lap.

"Getting caught by your mom made me go limp."

Lexi couldn't help but laugh as she got out of the limo.

"Oh yeah? Keep laughing. You won't be after I get done with you tonight Mrs. O'Neill." Fez said half teasing half serious as he spanked Lexi on her way out of the limo, causing her to squeal and giggle a bit. A chuckle escaped from Fez as well as he got out of the limo as well.

Lexi took a deep breath. Yeah, her mom was shockingly right for once... it was a great fucking day.

Cassie emerged from her limo, her veil covering the bruise around her neck, her legs shaking a bit from the soreness and pain she felt from Nate's long fingers up her vagina earlier. She was sure she had bruises on her thighs as well, and she was thankful her dress covered her shaky bruise covered legs. Nate came out of the limo after her and put his arms around her, causing her to flinch a bit. He kissed her forehead and smiled down at her.

"Today is a great fucking day... isn't it Cassie?" He asked, his voice reaching saccharine levels of sweetness towards her, though in the limo he had been the complete opposite. He was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

"Yes Nate... it is a great fucking day." She answered with a forced smile, gazing up at him before her eyes focused on the hotel in front of them.

For the Howard Sisters, it was turning out to be a great fucking day indeed...

jetru is absolutely hilarious bc from a single glance you’d assume that haru is the competent calm one and jet is the impulsive unpredictable one

but jet is the one who completely reworked his plans the moment he discovered that aang and katara were waterbenders and also appeared to have an entire planned mission routine and patrols around the forest, waiting for the right moment to strike down fn camps. he’s in charge of an entire handmade base of competent kids high up in the trees and has been shown to be a capable leader

meanwhile haru has had exactly three plans in his entire life and they were “don’t get arrested”, “pretend to be a nonbender”, and “throw rocks” 

guess which one of the three actually worked

im aware im about to bust open a can of very intense worms but i passed a church the other day and the sign said "praying for the dead is an act of supreme charity" and i'm jewish and this has been baffling me for days. like. i can't get my head around it. the words involved must mean something else and i want to know what the fuck.

like, to me, charity is something you do to help people. it meets their needs and improves their circumstances. i'm aware the christian concept of charity is more about voluntarily earning enough Good Person Points to go to heaven, while the jewish concept is a non-negotiable responsibility god laid on you to address injustice. so the whole christian concept of charity seems a little iffy and haphazard and sanctimonious to me.

that being said, what is the point of praying for the dead at all. what's that do. if someone dies, doesn't god handle whether they go to heaven or not? isn't that on their actions in life? isn't it already sorted out at the time of death, except maybe for cases of ghosts and saints? are you just praying to make sure they don't get lost on the way to judgement?

if someone is stuck in hell or purgatory, because they weren't themselves a good person, is there really an exemption for if they get enough Go To Heaven Anyway prayers? can i just put in my will that i want a thousand christians to pray for me and they'll just veto me getting sent to hell? do i get to not believe in jesus my whole life and just tag along to heaven anyway because apparently divine judgement has this Phone A Friend option? or is it like, dead people hear your prayers for them whether they're in heaven or hell, and it's just sort of like getting a nice email? like hey, so a demon is flattening your dick with an enormous flaming scorpion, but sarah h. greene of denver colorado sincerely hopes that isn't happening! thanks!

and if none of the above is how it works, if prayers don't actually change the fate of the dead, then what's the point? how is it charity, let alone supreme charity? if praying for the dead only makes you, the person doing it, a better person, then isn't that just acting in your own self-interest and therefore not charity at all? if charity doesn't help anyone but you it's like giving yourself a dollar and calling it a donation. can you really just do morally good things that don't actually take any effort or help anyone and still have them improve your soul situation because you meant well? how is heaven not chock-full of lazy douchebags if this is the case.

i'm baffled and i want answers. if you're christian please weigh in on this. also please be nice to each other in the comments or i'll see you in hell.

Whacky Gotham, Goofy New York, and Chaotic Paris.

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7) (Part 8)

Chapter 6: Evade The Bats, and Beat The Crows

•—–—–·†·–—–—•

The girls are in the old living room setting up clues (that are absolutely... useless) around Gotham. One being a picture Harley and Multimouse took earlier that day.

"They might think to look here after they realize the clues are fake." - Steph

"Then where else would they not think to look?" - Maria

"W.E, I can get you and Harley in without them knowing easily." - Barbara said with a confident smile.

"But they'll have to go incognito... especially you Harley, no offense, but your outfit stands out just a tad." - Steph

"Ehhh, none taken, I'm sure I can tink of somthin' else tuh wear." - Harley

"I can help with that, but I'll need some clothes and some sewing supplies." - Maria said already thinking of what she could make.

Cass gave a nod and headed out of the room, after a few minutes she came back with t-shirts, jackets, sweaters, shorts, jeans, etc. and droped the pile of clothes infront of the group. She then handed Maria a sewing set she got from Alfred.

"Thanks Cass. I'll get to work on making our costumes." - Maria

"Let me help yuh wit' dat hun." - Harley said as she picked up most of the clothes for Maria

"Thanks." Maria

•—–·Let's see the Chaos shall we·–—•

"You never told us she could use magic!" - Red Hood looking under the table

"I wonder if she can infuse magic with coffee..." - Red Robin said looking in the cabinets for the third time.

"Stop looking for coffee!" - Red Hood

"She could've hidden in here." - Red Robin said while crabbing a mug

"I haven't had enough sleep to deal with this." - Selina then walked over and flopped herself on the couch and proceeded to fall asleep on impact.

"Maria get your tiny self back here right now or else!" - Tony

"Or else what? She Knows MAGIC! What else does she know that you haven't told us?!" - Red Hood

"... I never told you becuase it's meant to be a secret!" - Tony

"Oh, so now you agree with keeping things a secret?" - Red Robin grabbing the coffee

"What else can she do Tony." - Batman

"Well... she's great with tech, can kick butt in a LOT of different ways, has magic, and if she wants to, she can find and know where everyone or anyone is, but I think she gets massive headaches from a wide search like that." - Tony

"Anything else?" - Batman

(Tony thinkng of all the tiny gods she has in jewelery, and that she keeps Paris/friends and family safe on a daily basis, and that she is the well known designer MDC...)"No..." - Tony

As ivy was listening to them talk, she continued to search her garden, until one of her plants had a message fo her.

"Hello Ms. Ivy, please don't help Batman and Iron Man find us, we promise we'll be careful." - Maria

"Where are you?" - Ivy asked whispering into the plant.

After a few minutes Ivy got a detailed plan that Maria, Harley and the girls came up with to evade The IronBat group (Maria thought that would be better than ManMan group 'But it's Bat MAN and Iron MAN, so it has tuh be The ManMan group.' was Harleys defence, but Maria won that one.) and Ivy agreed to help as best she could.

•—–· Over to the Miraculous gang ·–—•

Plagg is cackling like there's no tomorrow.

"Guys something must be wrong, Plagg won't stop cackling, he won't even touch the cheese I gave him!!!" - Adrien

"There's no time for that, we need to find out where the hell Maria is!!" - Chloé

"Hahahaha, Ti- heheh Tikk- pffhaaaaaaahaha!!!" - Plagg

"He's trying to form words!" Adrien cradling Plagg in his hands "What is it my friend? Don't do this, you're to young...*sniff * you're to beautiful!"

"Hehehehe Shhhh- hahaha, she- she- haha...heheh- I'm so p-hehe-Proud wahahaha " - Plagg

"Proud?! She?! Where?! Who, is it Maria?!" - Chloé

"Hhhhhhhhahhaaaaaaaaaa" - Plagg

"Oh God he's wheezing!" - Adrien

"Hey guys, Peter and I got the snacks, found out where Maria might- oh kwami." - Alix walking into the room to a zombie looking Chloé, a panicked Adrien and the Kwami of death/bad luck/chaos laughing himself to death.

"Has he finally lost it?" - Peter

"She has become a true cat! hahahahahaaaaa heheheheeeeeee." - Plagg

Everyone in the room but Plagg "Oh fu-"

•—–· Over to the Batfam ·–—•

So everyone is panicking because for the past hour none of them could find Multimouse. Robin is sitting on the couch next to a now fully awake Selina, Red Hood and Nightwing are once again feeding each other the worst possible situation she could be in, Tony may or may not be hyperventilating, Red Robin is drinking coffee, and Batman is as stoic as ever... well on the outside anyway, on the inside, it's a warzone. Ivy is drinking her tea, slightly worried, but also hiding a small smile.

"What if we ask Oracle to try and help us find her?" - Red Robin

"... Right... Yes, ok let's do that... Bats you do it, I need to sit down." - Tony

•—–· Back to the girls ·–—•

The girls moved everything to the Bat-cave so they could set the route they would take, then the Bat-Computer started ringing.

"Hide!" - Steph

"Where, dere's nuttin' tuh hide behind!" - Harley

"Quick under the Bat-Computer." - Barbara

As soon as Harley and Maria hid under the Bat-Computer, Batman and the rest of the Batfam was on video call.

"Hey guys, what do you need?" - Barbara acting like nothing happened

"We need you to search for Maria, she's in a dark gray suit with pink accents, and she's with Harley." - Batman

"Ok, no prob, I'll contact you when I've found something." - and with that Barbara exited the call.

"Should we start heading out?" - Maria

"Yup, and here are your ID badges, don't lose them. I'll give our Batfam fake sightings, and lead them far away, then once you reach W.E I'll slowly start leading them closer to you." - Barbara

"Thanks, keep in touch if they decide to split up." - Maria

"Roger that." - Steph said giving a solute

•—–·–—•

Soon Multimouse and Harley are running over roof tops again, doing tricks, and stopping petty crimes, Barbara is leading the Batfam all over Gotham, and then they got to W.E, after Maria transformed back, they entered the building. Thanks to Babs, they entered without any problems and had free roam for the entire building, with some exceptions like new weapons designs, or the roof. They were hiding in the building for about an hour on the 7th floor when Barbara called in.

"Hey girls, you might want to be careful, I spotted some of Scarecrows goons a few blocks away, they seem to be heading in your direction, I'd say about 6mins tops until they reach W.E. Best to find a good room to stay in, or get out of there." - Barbara

"Thanks fawh de heads up Babs." - Harley

"Ok, we'll try to get out, let us know if we should turn back or not." - Maria

"Got it, and be careful." - Barbara

Maria and Harley then made their way back down, they were taking the stairs, because they figured it would be quicker, once they were on the second floor, they started to calmly make their way through the doors of the stairwell. That's when Scarecrows goons busted in, shouting for everyone to get down, Harley made sure to stay as close to Maria as possible as the goons gathered everyone to a wall. They were told to not move, talk, or do anything to anger them, once everyone was up against the wall, that's when Scarecrow came in. As he entered the room some of the employees started to look very scared, when Maria looked over to Harley, she saw her mouth 'it's ok', afterwards the goons had them all tied up and on the floor sitting down. Scarecrow scanned them before speaking.

"One of you will be testing my newest and most potent fear toxin as of yet. We can do this one out of two ways." He said lifting up two of his needle syringed fingers. "1. You can be a hero, and let yourself be my newest test subject, aka the boring way or 2. I pick whoever I want, aka the slightly less boring way. Now, who wants to go first?"

•—–· Over to Batman ·–—•

The Batfam was running around the other side of Gotham, now without Tony, because someone ( ehem Thor, ehem) was making a giant mess at Avengers Tower, and was fighting Loki... again. It was when they decided to call Oracle that things took another turn.

"Oracle have you foun- " - Batman

"They're at W.E. and Scarecrows there, I can't get in contact with them, and I can't get into the cameras at the moment, I need you to get your butts over there now!" - Oracle

"Wait you were in contact with them?!" - Red Hood

"Not the time! Just get over there before someone gets hurt!" - Oracle

"We're on our way." - Batman

They all then kicked it into high gear and were running to W.E, and out of everyone, Damian seemed to be the most visibly panicked, if him running twice as fast as everyone was any indication. At the speed they were going, they would be there in 20mins or less... hopefully.

•—–· Back to Maria and Harley ·–—•

So while Scarecrow was giving his little speech, Maria whispered into a plant to let Ivy know their situation, she wasn't able to get an answer before she and Harley were pulled away from the crowd.

"And what do we have here? Harley Quinn and a child. How interesting, well then, which one of you would like to test my new fear toxin?" - Scarecrow

"Eh, do me, I bet I got a lot o' trauma and fears from my time wit' Mistuh J. dat yuh would just love tuh see." - Harley

"... As tempting as that sounds I think I'll test it on your little friend here, after all, I know better than to mess with one of the Sirens." - As Scarecrow said that, one of the goons dragged Maria over to him. She didn't panic, she was actually really calm, which worried Harley even more because, remember all that emotional trauma she saw Maria had? Yeah, not the best match for the fear toxin.

As Scarecrow grabbed Maria, she locked eyes with Harley, and gave a brief smile before she felt a sharp jabbing pain in the side of her neck. Her vision went hazy, and from Harleys' point of view, she went a little limp from it.

As Maria started to see again she could hear screams, car alarms going off, and explosion in the distance, when she looked up, she saw them, her friends, her team... her family, they were all there lying infront of her... none of them moving, all of them were lifeless, looking as though turned into a gray husk of what they once were, and beside them were all the Kwamis, and their respective Jewelery, broken and shattered. She felt the tears fall as she looked around. Paris, the once beautiful city of lights, was now a wasteland, everything had a gray tone to it, people, animals, everything that had life... was dead.

And then she heard laughing, a sick disturbing laugh that was all to familiar... Lila. When she turned and saw Vulpina, she felt sick just looking at her.

"You have failed Maria, everyone you knew and loved is gone, all because you weren't here." - Lila

All she felt in that moment... was pure anger, she began to struggle, but somthing was holding her. She kept hearing that stupid laugh, and kept struggling harder and harder.

"You were never good enough, you were meant to always be our everyday Ladybug, but you never were, you never cared for us, and that's why, they're all gone, because you weren't good enough." - Lila

The last four words kept playing over and over in her head, until something clicked, she wasn't in Paris, so how did she get there? The last place she was at... was with Harley, she was in the W.E. building, and had fear toxin injected into her. As she came to that realization, she could hear the laughing fade just a bit, she closed her eyes and focused on finding everyone's souls, when she did, she saw that Scarecrow was right infront of her, a goon next to Harley, and a goon behind her, the other goons had left and were on the first floor. She snapped back when she heard Lilas' voice again.

"You always were stubborn and never accepted the real truth, as class president aren't you supposed to just roll over and do as you're told." - Lila

Maria was done listening to her, and decided to kick Lila in the face (since someone didn't think to tie up her ankles.)

"Just go rott in hell already you lieing fox!" - Maria

Maria didn't get any answer, all she knew was that she hit whatever was really infront of her hard. Maria then heard Lilas' voice morph into a heavier, more distorted voice.

"That's a first, guess I'll have to increase the dosage." - Scarecrow

She then felt another jabbing pain in her neck, all she could do was scream from the pain, her head was spinning, and all she could hear was laughing, sickening laughter that came from both Lila, and now Hawkmoth. One thing Scarecrow didn't account for, was the deep hatred Maria held for both individuals he made her see. Because soon after he gave her more fear toxin she got her footing, pushing back into the goon behind her before using the goons' grib on her to do a half backflip into kicking the guys face in, quickly knocking the goon out, when she stood back up she only saw Hawkmoth, surrounded by her lifeless team and family, she only saw red, and charge right at him. She kept punching and roundhouse kicking him, giving one final charge, ramming into Hawkmoth before she felt weightless. She never heard the panicked scream Harley let out, she never heard the shouts that came from the Batfam just reaching the second floor, before she hit something... something rapped around her holding her from falling any further, causing her to start thrashing around thinking it was Hawkmoth, before seeing he was also grabbed by something. She struggled ignoring the slight pain that went through her harms and legs. She slowly calmed down as she felt her feet touch the ground again, she then saw another Hawkmoth that was now mixed with Lila hug her, she tried to break free, but realized that it wasn't Lila or Hawkmoth... It was calming, and her voice was gentle, it was Ivy. She only heard a few words, that's when she felt something blow on her face, and after a few seconds, she lost conscientiousness.

Harley came sprinting down and was by Ivys' side in less than a minute. Ivy could tell Harley was worried and joined her in hugging a now sleeping Maria.

"I'm sawhry Ives, It all just happened so fast, and she was so awesome at kickin' Cranes @ss, I din't get her out of dere quick enough." - Harley said as she looked Ivy in the eyes, with tears threatening to escape.

"It's alright Harley, none of this is your fault." - Ivy replied comfortingly to Harley

As the two hugged Maria Batman came over.

"We'll take it from here." - Batman

"Hell no. We ain't leavin' her side." - Harley

Batman just let out a sigh, after he dealt with Scarecrow and his goons, Batman, along with his sons, Ivy and Harley, all headed back to the Bat-cave where the other girls and Alfred were waiting.

If anyone noticed Robin looking over to Maria with a concerned look, they just ignored it, and continued their way back home.

•—–·†·–—•

Chapter 6 complete! Hope you'll liked it, and are havin' a fantabulous day, stay safe and rock all those positive vibes. !BUG-OUT! 🐞💮🐞

〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜 Tag List 〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜

1st Place★: @animegirlweeb☕ , 2nd Place★: @jumpingjoy82, 3rd Place★: @zalladane, 4th Place★: @jayjayspixiepop, 5th Place★: @arty-shadow-morningstar, 6th Place★: @smol-book-nerd, 7th Place★: @irontimetravelflower, 8th Place★: @fandom-trapped-03, 9th Place★: @meme991001, 10th Place★: @buginetye, 11th Place★: @blackroserelina, 12th Place★: @jessigurl-design, 13th Place★: @adrestar , 14th Place★: @moon5608, 15th Place★: @little-bluestar, 17th Place★: @myazael, 18th Place★: @our-preciousss, 19th Place★: @wolf2118, 20th Place★: @nyx-in-line, 21st Place★: @kking13, 22nd Place★: @lunerlover2024, 23rd Place★: @moonlightstar64, 24th Place★: @corporeal-terrestrial, 25th Place★: @kashlyn, 26th Place★: @tbehartoo, 27th Place★: @heart-charming, 28th Place★: @solangelo252, 29th Place★: @t1dwarrior-of-earth, 30th Place★: @lady-phoenix-of-tardis, @lupagrimm

I rarely watch promos for any show, but the gifs found me and I had to. Now, for how things are going, it's not baiting. However, the fact that after these scenes we're getting, they'll leave us hanging with no more moments or build-up for a while. That's the baiting part. They should add something a little extra to confirm it, to erase all doubts. Something that says yes, they are most definitely going there someday. Like, when they're done dancing, Tim stares longingly after Lucy, then someone on the team (preferably, Angela) walks up to him and says something like: "Oh, what's that look?" "What?" Tim replies, distracted, still staring at Lucy across the room before turning to his friend. "Ah, Tim. You poor, poor thing," Angela says, shaking her head. "What are you talking about?" "Nothing." Angela covers her smile behind another sip of her glass. "You drunk already, Lopez?" Tim quirks an eyebrow. "Hardly." she studies him for a bit. "Huh. Maybe, it's a good thing you're this oblivious." "Yeah, I have no idea what you're going on about. Maybe, I should cut you off." "Try it, Bradford. I've been busting my ass all week. I need this." Angela smirks, grabbing Tim's arm. "Come on, pretty boy, let's dance. You look lonely without your partner." A cliché, I know, but you get it. Something to that effect, just to acknowledge the romance aspect of it all. We need those kinds of scenes because they move the whole thing forward, and they make us a promise that they have to keep. With how the show is going, I don't want them together now, but we need scenes, lots and lots of scenes where they explore various plots that will get them there, eventually. Watching that clip made me realize just how long it's actually been since we've seen Chenford together with a decent plot. And God, seeing those affectionate, fleeting looks they shared in that clip–they've hooked me. Especially, the looks from Tim. Dude's in love. I'm eating those crumbs right up, damn it! I'm in, I'm beyond excited, you win! But there obviously better be at least three other scenes, it's only logical. He was telling her she's a good cop in a way that implied that he was trying to apologize for something or clear up some kind of misunderstanding. I don't know, but things have to happen to lead up to that moment, and if it's not baiting, then it should continue down that road. Otherwise, just shut it down completely and make it clear that they will never happen. And as much as I'd miss it terribly, I hope next episode leads to Lucy not being his Aide anymore. It leaves so much room for so many storylines, and it needs to happen at some point, anyway. I've just finished watching 4×17, and I'm just really glad we finally got to see Lucy confront her trauma in some way, at least. It was an okay episode. Also, it's kinda weird that I'm writing a fic right now where Tim does cook for Lucy and they're being angsty, amongst. . .other things and they also talk about their feelings and stuff. So, it made me want to see Tim there instead of Chris even more. What a waste, yet again. Oh, well. They're gonna be dancing next episode, like, with each other, in the same vicinity, with arms and hands and looks and twirling! I know that, ultimately, it's probably going nowhere after that and that they will probably never mention it again, but I've missed them so much. I just want to see them together on screen, regardless of anything they may or may not be.

Two-Faced Jewel: Session 9

The Slaying of the Bobbledragon

A half-elf conwoman (and the moth tasked with keeping her out of trouble) travel the Jewel in search of, uh, whatever a fashionable accessory is pointing them at. [Campaign log]

Since slaying a serial-killer dragon is a little outside the party's expertise, they're off to Cauterdale to enlist the aid of the Deathseekers' Guild! Having gotten a good night's sleep at a druid village, and not eaten, they're ready to take on, uh...

Well, some sort of very large monster that Zero kindly drew for me.

In the morning, they rather uneventfully get up and get back on the road, thanking the villagers for their hospitality. And the remainder of the trip to Cauterdale is likewise brief and uneventful, right up until the fire.

Saelhen du Fishercrown: the what Benedict I. (GM): The fire.

Yeah, the forest and the road up ahead are ablaze, sort of blocking passage. The dirt road isn't actively on fire, but the trees on both sides are, making it pretty risky to proceed. The team opts to send Oyobi up ahead to scout the situation- and pretty soon she comes back with a report. Apparently, just past the visible fireline, the forest is totally burned down- just charred stumps as far as she could see, right up to the city walls. The fire itself is just, like, 10 meters wide or so, so it's totally something they could just dash through.

It takes some Animal Handling checks to coax the giraffes through, and the ones that balk get them and their riders a little bit of chip damage from heat and smoke inhalation, but the party is pretty much able to push through to the blasted wasteland of charred tree stumps surrounding Cauterdale.

They notice a few people in strange armor in the distance, doing something near the fire- from the seemingly controlled nature of this burn and the name of the town, they conclude that those are fire squads doing this deliberately, and don't get involved. It's a fine conclusion, and the party begins walking the remaining mile to the city.

As they approach, they notice... a little ways off from the main gates, something is attacking the city walls. Guards atop the walls are manning some sort of huge harpoon guns, and they seem to have already slain several of the... whatever these things are. The remaining one, though, seems larger and more resilient than the others, continuing its assault despite the several harpoons already lodged in its flesh.

What they see is a huge reptilian monster. It's probably not a dragon- no wings, and it doesn't appear to be using a breath weapon- but it's the size of a dragon, with tiny arms, headbutting the metal walls of the town repeatedly.

Orluthe makes his Nature roll to recognize this thing- he's heard of them before. They're called "bobbledragons"- some sort of deformed mutant offshoot of true dragons, incapable of speech or flight or magic but still possessed of monstrous strength and durability.

Luckily, the bobbledragon doesn't seem to be in between them and the main gate- the fight is far enough away that they could potentially just walk up and head into town, assuming they'll open the gates during a situation like this. Hell, they don't even need to open the gates- if the guards just drop a rope, they should be able to just climb over. That seems like a decent plan, so Saelhen and Looseleaf begin working together to draft a use of the Message spell to ask the guards to help them inside.

Then they notice that I've been moving Oyobi's token on the map in the direction of the fight.

Oyobi, blinded by bloodlust and/or extra-credit-in-Severe-Zoology-lust, is determined to help fell the bobbledragon. Their attempts at persuasion fail, and Oyobi, undeterred, continues to charge the giant fucking T-rex that is making huge dents in the walls of a city.

As Oyobi runs for it, and as the party follows behind in hopes of stopping her from making a terrible mistake, the bobbledragon jumps and seizes one of the guards on the wall in its jaws, demonstrating its +10 4d12+7 bite attack by immediately oneshotting its victim.

Looseleaf: oh god we're all going to die. you're using the real t-rex statblock. that thing is challenge eight. it is made for a party of four level eight adventurers, so either we are all going to die here, or the guards are going to show us why they are professional fighters and we are students. Benedict I. (GM): "Shit! It can jump!" "No!" The guards seem upset.

Not promising.

Looseleaf: This thing does sufficient damage to oneshot any of us with a perfectly mediocre hit. Looseleaf right now is kind of thoroughly convinced that Oyobi is actually literally about to die. In that light, Looseleaf is going to message Oyobi again. And she is not going to get any closer. Actually, she's going to back off, put distance between herself and the monster. [Oyobi that thing is going to bite you in half get back here you are going to die.] Benedict I. (GM): Roll Persuasion! DC 20 again. -Looseleaf: 17 / PERSUASION (1)- Oyobi Yamatake: [I'M GONNA LIVE FOREVER!!!]

So... that's a bust, and Oyobi finally reaches the dragon and begins her assault. Miraculously, her flying leap hits, and she digs her sword in... for thirteen damage.

The guards return fire against the bobbledragon, and one of the harpoons catches it in the chest- but it doesn't go down, and the second harpoon- manned by just one guard, after his partner got crunched- misses. Another guard, without a cannon, throws a spear- and gets not only a critical hit, but a max damage critical hit, spearing the thing right in the eye.

...for eleven damage, because these are ordinary CR 1/8 Guards, but still!

Saelhen tries to distract the bobbledragon so Oyobi can run and hide, but... her arrow goes wide, and Oyobi isn't interested in running and hiding anyway. The bobbledragon, targeting whatever did the most damage to it recently with its bite attack, jumps and bites the whole damn harpoon gun out of the guard tower, leaving the guards without heavy weaponry.

And then with its tail, it tries to slap the insect that just stung it in the rear.

...and rolls a 3, meaning Oyobi gracefully backflips over the attack and strikes a dramatic pose.

Looseleaf: God, she did not deserve that dodge. She got so fucking lucky there. Saelhen du Fishercrown: she really didn't Oyobi Yamatake: "When you get to Dragon Hell, tell them Oyobi Yamatake sent you!!"

Looseleaf, in the interest of communicating to Oyobi how much danger she's in, makes use of an upgrade to her Rend Spirit attack she learned while studying Lumiere's notes on pain. With Painread, she can get some feedback back from something whose spirit she disrupts, and figure out exactly how bad a shape it's in. She does so (dealing a cool 16 damage as she does), and learns how huge this thing's remaining hit point pool is, so she can tell Oyobi how unlikely she is to survive long enough to take it down.

...It, uh, it was already pretty hurt when they arrived, and it, um, has nine hit points left. And it's Oyobi's turn.

Oyobi Yamatake: Oyobi dashes forwards, Naruto-runs up to the T-rex's throat, and does a spinning leap that slashes open its jugular. It roars, and the roar swiftly fades off as its breath escapes. Saelhen du Fishercrown: God dammit, Oyobi. Oyobi Yamatake: "YES! YES! B-S-U! B-S-U! B-S-U!" "THAT is how it's DONE!" She is jumping up and down, doing a celebratory dance, the works. "Flawlessed the boss! Hell yeah!"

Yeah, so... I had kind of been planning on her getting oneshot and laid up in the hospital, as a sort of character growth thing and also keeping her out of the way of certain events in town, but, uh... the dice... didn't exactly... share my priorities.

With the bobbledragon slain, and Oyobi doing an extremely obnoxious victory dance, the rest of the party springs into action to stabilize the guard who was used as a chew toy. Thanks to his plate armor, he hasn't lost much blood, but he's got more broken bones than not, and his prognosis wouldn't be good... if it weren't for the healer's kits Looseleaf had the foresight to buy for everyone. Saelhen stabilizes him, and Orluthe calls on his goddess to Lay On Hands to save the guard's life.

Then there's this guy- the captain of the guard, who fought in the battle with a fancy crossbow that shot flaming bolts. He demands to know who the party is, seeming kind of annoyed that they rewarded weakness by saving the guard's life.

Benedict I. (GM): He looks down at your medical kit. "Y'know, all of my men are prepared to fight and die for our home. You really want to take away this man's glory?" The injured guard looks up. "Uh, sir, I- it's fine, actually..." "Feh." Looseleaf: This guy immediately seems like a bad boss. Saelhen du Fishercrown: Oh, he's ridiculous. Okay, that changes the tenor of this conversation somewhat! "...I apologize, sir," says Saelhen, bowing to the guard on his stretcher, "if I have diminished your victory with my carelessness."

And rather than give this guy any more of the time of day, Saelhen asks the random guard his name. (And then I have to give him one and make him a character, whoops.)

Medd Cutter here is thankful for Saelhen's assistance saving his life, and Saelhen pledges to remember his heroism. The commander feels- by design- somewhat left out of the heroism-remembering, and declares that he is REX SCAR, and Saelhen kind of blows him off. He's not happy, but...

Captain Scar is still the sort of person who is very impressed with anyone who rolls up and kills a bobbledragon just because they felt like it, and despite Saelhen's calculated snub, tries to get buddy-buddy with the group of obviously very powerful people who just arrived. He decides to help them through customs without going through the usual processes, much to the chagrin of...

...Long-Tongue, Cauterdale Customs and Border Inspection Officer of Cauterdale, who's very loquacious and wordy and redundantly repeats what she says in different words to phrase things differently in a somewhat unnecessary fashion for no real reason. Rex bullies his way past her, but Saelhen- as another snub, and just to be... nice? (What's her game...?), hands her the 300-page history of the de la Surplus family as collateral for a deferred border inspection.

Inside the walls, Cauterdale is a very crowded place. It's like 80% slum, choked with buildings constructed of a patchwork of scrap metal and discarded siding, without much wood to speak of. The streets are narrow and bustling, and the general vibe around the place is impatient.

The remaining guards escorting them (Rex went off someplace) inform them, when questioned, that the town indeed burns down the forest around them- since they're near the jungle, horrible dangerous things tend to come out of the trees to attack them, and their harpoon defenses are most effective when they can see their attackers coming from a mile away, with no obstructions. Looseleaf asks if bobbledragon attacks are common.

Benedict I. (GM): Another guard shakes his head. "No, that one was pretty crazy. Usually it's just the giant spiders, or the giant mosquitoes, or the mushroom demons." "We've had a few bobbledragons before, but that was like, four at once." Looseleaf: "Oh gods there's already giant spiders?!" "We're not even at- I thought this was a pine forest still!" Benedict I. (GM): "No, that's usually after it rains," Medd says. Looseleaf: Looseleaf casts Druidcraft. Please tell me it's not going to rain. Benedict I. (GM): Nope! Clear skies for now. "Whoa, cool." Looseleaf:"Thank the gods of sea and sky and weather and everything even tangentially related to weather," she says. "No rain." "I hope it never rains, ever again." Benedict I. (GM): "Haha, better stay away from..." "Wait, where are you headed?" Saelhen du Fishercrown: "The rainforest," adds Saelhen, mildly. Looseleaf: "Ttttthunderbrush, and yes I know that place is crawling with spiders NOERU SHUT UP,"

Then Looseleaf asks about what they're there for- the Deathseekers' Guild. Unfortunately, the guards tell them that the Deathseekers... probably still exist, but they're like, a weird secret club of old people who think they're too cool to join the guard. They give them a couple leads- apparently the Temple of Andra keeps tabs on them, and also a guard by the name of Mags was the last to see them as they were recently seen leaving the city.

The team splits up- Looseleaf and Orluthe head for the temple, and Oyobi and Saelhen head for the guardhouse to talk to Mags. (Vayen... is still gone, after vanishing as soon as the bobbledragon fight started.) The latter group does their thing next session, so...

After dropping off their rental giraffes, they head inside to meet...

This guy, working the reception desk. He seems to be made of rock, and when he talks he rumbles.

As Looseleaf explains their dilemma and their need for Deathseekers, this guy takes a keen interest in their plight. He's very "hmmmm, iiiiiinteresting, oh i see, you don't say?" about the whole thing, making a very normal interaction seem as ominous as possible.

He tells her that the Deathseekers, to his knowledge, should be back in the city from their unspecified errand inside two days, and offers to take a message.

Looseleaf: "I don't suppose they're looking for a green dragon, are they?" Benedict I. (GM): This guy's smile keeps getting wider. It's kind of creepy. "Hm? What makes you say that?"

As she explains about the dragon, he offers her and Orluthe a candy from a bowl on the desk. After some hemming and hawing out-of-character because the creepy rock man is offering you suspicious candy, they eventually opt to have some, because really, Looseleaf isn't suspicious of this guy. Hers is lemon-flavored. It's tasty.

Then, as she describes the empty tower with the corpse of the torture wizard in it, this guy's demeanor changes suddenly from "creepy wry amusement" to "genuine concern". He tries to put on a poker face, but him having a poker face when he's until now been all creepy-friendly chewing the scenery... stands out. He gives her a strong assurance that the Deathseekers will handle this problem for her.

Benedict I. (GM): "I... thank you, for this information." Looseleaf: "You're welcome. Please, uh, make sure that the Deathseekers get this information as quickly as possible. The dragon eats a corpse a week and there's only three corpses left in the tower, there's a very real deadline on this." Benedict I. (GM): [rolling 1d20+4] (Insight) 17+4 = 21 Looseleaf: Belatedly, Looseleaf realizes she's made a mistake. Benedict I. (GM): "You say... the dragon eats three corpses a week?" "Only three corpses left in the tower?" Looseleaf: Namely: Looseleaf has no good reason to know the fact that the dragon eats a corpse a week. Since she's never met the dragon. Benedict I. (GM): "Curious information." "How did you come across it?" Looseleaf: "Uh, erm, uh." Shit.

Looseleaf opts to tell the truth about Arnie, to avoid spinning a dangerous web of lies for herself- after all, Arnie's not worth lying for. She does describe him in as sympathetic terms as she can, though, and asks this guy not to harm him if possible- she doesn't want to break her word to Arnie if she can help it.

Benedict I. (GM): He takes a moment to process this. "...Very well." "My people will be the soul of discretion." "I thank you very much for your generous contribution to the Ecumene of Understanding."

Looseleaf notices that something is wrong.

This guy is the receptionist. He's not a bishop or anything. He's not even wearing priestly vestments- just a nice suit. And he's speaking as though he's in a position of power- "my people", he says.

And after considering various possibilities, she tries something. A shot in the dark, but...

And the way Looseleaf plays this, is... "quit acting like you don't know what I'm talking about, c'mon, the jig is up". She takes out the letter she found in Lumiere's tower and shows it off, as proof!

And this guy keeps denying it, and getting increasingly more panicked, and looking nervously over at Orluthe, and asking her to please stop, shh shh shh shh, and it's when he begs her to have a conversation with him in private please that she makes the connection. If this guy is affiliated with Lumiere, who's apparently affiliated with some sort of secret conspiracy that's affiliated with some sort of deific usurpation... he maybe doesn't want to have that conversation in front of a cleric.

Looseleaf:"Okay, Orluthe, uhm. Sorry, so," Looseleaf whispers into Orluthe's ear. "Long story short, turns out my sister, who left my village way before I did, ended up falling into some kind of magical secret society. The kind of secret society with Hal Lumiere, i.e. 'the torture wizard who came up with all those pain knives that we all got stabbed a lot with', was apparently a very active member of." Benedict I. (GM):Oh my god, um. Looseleaf: "So, uh, I'm kinda freaking out about that, right now, but if my hunches are right then I'm the sister of someone important in their organization?" Benedict I. (GM): As you start whispering, he tries to interrupt. "Please do not say things to him!" "Please let us speak in private!!" Looseleaf: Oh he's freaked out now huh. "Anyways that's why I am actually indeed going to speak, with this guy, in private," Looseleaf finishes. "And if I don't show up in a half-hour or so, then things have probably gone lopsided." "In which case you should find everyone else and tell them to, I dunno, come save me or whatever." "You got all that?" Benedict I. (GM): The rock man looks distraught. Orluthe Chokorov: "I, uh... think so? This is really... I'm not sure it's safe..."

With a good Persuasion roll, Orluthe agrees to stay behind, and the rock man leads Looseleaf into a backroom whose doors and walls seem warded heavily with some sort of abjuration magic. A secret saferoom.

The man describes the problem: the gods don't know that they exist, or didn't until Looseleaf went and told a cleric of Diamode that they existed. Clerics, in this setting, channel divinity literally- their gods come into their heads to do magic for them, meaning anything a cleric knows is something a god can know, if they care to check.

Benedict I. (GM): "Because if the next time Diamode is in that kid, if she goes looking for that memory..." "I mean, she might not. And you didn't mention anything about our aims, so she might consider it beneath her notice." "But that, right there? That was nearly game over." "And I can't just kill you, because if I did, Yomi would end me." Looseleaf: "Yeah, I'm not incredibly foolish, I haven't actually shown anybody else Yomi's letter." "Nobody knows that Lumiere was involved with... deicidal blasphemy." "That's what this is about, right? Thereabouts, in terms of sheer magnitude and hubris?" Benedict I. (GM): He sighs. "It's not like that." "At least, it's not all like that." "The Project is... fractious." "The less you know about the project, the less you're able to carelessly blurt out about the project your cleric friends, or to anyone who tries reading your mind or tricks you into a Zone of Truth..." "The safer we all are." "With as much as you know, you're already dangerous. It'd be best for us- and you- if you dropped this. Never spoke of it to anyone."

Looseleaf points out that it's good that she found the letter, because that tower was sitting abandoned for a year- anyone could've walked in and read it, since it was lying on a bookcase in the open.

This is somehow not taken as good news- when he finds out that the letter could've potentially been read by anyone, that there was a security breach for a year...

Looseleaf: "Look, my man, next time you want to send a letter, by the way, use... use some encoding." "Don't just write things in plaintext like a chump, by the gods." Benedict I. (GM): "He was supposed to burn after reading." Saelhen du Fishercrown: he's too dead for that! Benedict I. (GM): "Wait, you said it was... out in the open?" "But he's dead?" "Either he was an idiot, or... someone else opened his mail." "Except... Yomi should've hand-delivered it, so..." "...well. We'll definitely look into it."

He brings up sending for someone to do memory magic to handle the breach- but he realizes he can't have that done to Looseleaf, because Diamode would notice if someone tampered with her cleric's memories, and someone needs to still know what's up so they can keep Orluthe away from the truth. (Plus, she figures she'd notice the inconsistencies and end up sleuthing it out again.)

Looseleaf asks if Yomi is doing well, and gets... that she's intense, and powerful, and she probably thinks she's "doing well", but... he doesn't know about happy.

Lastly, he shows Looseleaf a symbol- a blank circle, with the elvish character 人 drawn underneath. The symbols of gods are typically circles with a design inside- so the meaning of this and its relationship to the nature of the Project is fairly easy to infer.

Benedict I. (GM): "If you need to prove to someone you're in the know, without blurting out a bunch of dangerous details, this is the mark." He then eats the paper and the graphite stick he used to draw it.

Next time: Saelhen and Oyobi grill the guard Mags for information on the Deathseekers, and connections are made with powerful individuals.

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: That hoodie was yours anyway so welcome for finally getting it back Jimmy: Knew the 🚬 hole weren't you 🤓 Janis: cheek Janis: I've took well good care of it Jimmy: 🏆 Janis: it's too early for your condescension Janis: 🤐 unless you're saying tah for not having to walk home in a mini skirt Jimmy: but not too early for your 🤓 words, eh? Jimmy: I get it, only one of us is allowed to show off Janis: showing off your pins in the PM is a different vibe completely to the AM, trust Janis: be well 💔 if you got molested/hate crimed Jimmy: Oi, it's well 💔 that you've forgotten how 💪🏆 I am, pisshead Jimmy: 👻🥊 Janis: 1. you were AS wasted, you didn't even get home so, worse, some would say 2. you pretty much pissed yourself when the kid came charging in so I might need reminding before I believe that again Jimmy: Bollocks Janis: is it though Janis: 🤓 Jimmy: you heard Jimmy: but if you need it SHOUTED, alright Janis: gonna need 📣 and then some Janis: back in the middle of nowhere now Jimmy: should've said, you could've had the 🐑 costume Jimmy: Gracie'd never 👀 you Janis: had to happen eventually Janis: the last thing I wanna do is #twin Janis: hopefully she ain't here Jimmy: easy, just steer clear of the ✨ Janis: not so easy at this time of year Janis: shit gets everywhere Jimmy: if you ain't up to the challenge, Jill Janis: seeing as I avoid them a lot better than you do Janis: pretty confident on that Jimmy: #whenshesnotthelassyouthoughtshewere 😭🎻💔 Jimmy: but it's alright I'll ❌ out the bollocks and leave the compliment about how you look Janis: 🙄 cry me a river, dickhead Jimmy: nowt challenging about that Jimmy: 👍✔ Janis: glad I ain't gotta fake my 😍 right now Jimmy: too 🥺 about leaving me an' all, obvs Jimmy: ALWAYS on the same page, us Janis: Obvs Janis: don't worry, christmas with my family is shit enough that's what they'll all reckon from the 😒 Jimmy: weren't Jimmy: only 1 of 'em is in our target audience Jimmy: and if she were a 🖍 it'd be no dickhead's fave colour Janis: just 💪 that I don't need the day off Jimmy: DUH Jimmy: so impressive, you Janis: tah for the validation Janis: christmas came early Jimmy: long as it's just 🎄 Jimmy: don't need that rumour spread about, tah Janis: 😂 Janis: save it for the bitter breakup Jimmy: for all the dickheads in my DMs it'd put off, there'd be lasses taking it as a challenge or compliment Janis: true Janis: just go with my original plan and pretend you never existed Janis: what's more damning Janis: 👻❓ Jimmy: sir weren't having that Janis: number 1 fan? Jimmy: of me having a beard so he can have me behind shut classroom doors Janis: an idea Janis: I'll just out you Jimmy: new lad with no mates ✔ Jimmy: shit home life ✔ Jimmy: worked it all out, him Jimmy: gutted he can't do the same with you and your 😈💡 Janis: how many teachers they need for an official ring? Jimmy: dunno, tried to google it, well distracted now Janis: 🚨🚨 Jimmy: undercover 👮🚔 perks Jimmy: it were all for a case, mate Janis: too real Jimmy: 💰 on Mia's dad trying that one on an' all Janis: oldest trick in the book Jimmy: #defensesquad Janis: in good company Jimmy: first time he'll have heard that Janis: except from his delightful daughter, obvs Janis: no news on how in the shit she is Janis: I'll 🔍 Jimmy: I'll ask Asia, nowt that lass won't tell me Janis: aren't you #blessed Jimmy: 🎁 that keeps on giving Jimmy: and you reckoned 🎄 came early for you Janis: 🤢 Janis: too early for that as well Jimmy: if I open my DMs to find she's wrapped a bow round herself you don't wanna know, I get it Jimmy: 🤐 Janis: I really  don't Janis: 'til you're gonna go there and then give me 48hrs notice tah Jimmy: never gonna be that pissed, you're alright Janis: 😏 never again, is it? Janis: my grandparents were in a mood so maybe you did spray their bathroom with puke Jimmy: never her Jimmy: and you could be proud of me for finding their 🚽 dickhead Janis: never said I weren't Janis: they don't know how challenged and northern you are Jimmy: what I'm hearing is you're dead proud they never heard me 🗨 Jimmy: 🔇🏆 Janis: you must've been signing Janis: I dunno Jimmy: if that's what I were doing with my hands I'm chuffed you can't remember owt Jimmy: be a piss poor review Janis: I weren't THAT drunk Janis: but I'll keep that 🤐 in my general daily praise of you for the socials 🙄 Jimmy: 👍 Janis: I weren't Janis: twat Jimmy: 👌 Janis: U G H Janis: what are you doing on your day off then Janis: 'cos yeah, I caught that bit of their 📞 Jimmy: whatever he wants Janis: cute Jimmy: leave it out, I know you caught how 😁 he were an' all Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt ain't just for you, Joan Janis: I was being sincere, actually Jimmy: were you? Janis: yeah Janis: it's cute he likes you so much Jimmy: he don't know any better Jimmy: give him a bit Janis: you've got a few years 'til hormones are an issue Jimmy: tah for the reminder Janis: 🤷 Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: better off 🤞 there ain't any more Janis: could always book him a vasectomy for his 🎁 Jimmy: least my mum dunno which doorstep is ours to leave any 👶 on Janis: silver lining Janis: my sister'll be here with her brats now Jimmy: I should've got you a 🎻🎁 Jimmy: Have you got Libi an' all? Janis: you should've booked me a medical coma Janis: yeah, we usually all get together, at least for the meal Janis: it's ridiculous Jimmy: tah for my invite Janis: 🎟 to the 🎪 Janis: nah, you're alright Jimmy: so what, been working on my 🤹 for nowt? Jimmy: 💔 Janis: you could come to midnight mass Janis: that's a fun thing my sister forces me to do Jimmy: I get it, you didn't get your 🎄🔥 Jimmy: as a stand in goes, any heathen'll do Janis: it's Catholicism Janis: all 😈 happily welcomed Jimmy: alright then Janis: 😂 yeah right Jimmy: if our kid ain't asleep, he can do my sister's head in for a bit Janis: you want a chance to piss off my other nan? Janis: she'll probably love you 'cos shit home life ✔ Jimmy: I were in it for the 🎨 but you've sold that an' all now Janis: 'course you were Janis: why not Janis: if I HAVE to go Jimmy: can I borrow your 👼🏽 ootd or is it too fucked from last night? Janis: Sadly that literal piece of fabric I'd wrapped around myself did not last the evening Janis: you'll think of something, I know Jimmy: it'll be round a 🎄 by now Jimmy: whoever's got the 🥇 shrine going Janis: graced by my 🍑 Janis: what could be more 🙌🙏 worthy Jimmy: nowt OBVS Janis: tah babes Jimmy: [a picture of all the carnage Twix has caused with these decs cos she's a naughty bab] Janis: 😬 uh-oh Janis: no more nice list Jimmy: can kinky Jesus top that for 🎨? Janis: top of the list always Janis: favourite son Jimmy: me an' all Jimmy: I get why you 💕🙌🙏 me now Janis: ha Janis: fairplay I'll lead with that comparison when introducing you Jimmy: it's a good shout Janis: it's not but it's blasphemous Janis: might get an exorcism out of it 🤞 Jimmy: I can't help being white, soz Janis: this is my 🤶🏾 so she'll be vexed x2 Janis: well done Jimmy: not calling you a slag again but if you wanna give me my 🏆 in a way that'd have Jesus chuffed to bits and her fuming, I'll live Jimmy: 💭 on it for a bit Janis: 🤔 Janis: washing your feet with my hair or??? Janis: ask Gracie, hers is detachable Jimmy: I know you don't wanna twin but about the only place I ain't found strands of yours is between my toes Jimmy: tah for not making me hold it back last night Jimmy: two handed job, that Janis: if that's what you were doing with your hands, loads to brag about in the review Janis: I dunno then, fish supper? Jimmy: stick it in the group chat ❌🤮 bit and we'll see if 💀👑 still has her phone Janis: about my lack of a gag reflex? Janis: #hardrelate and they're 😭😭 they lost it Janis: more valuable 🍒 Jimmy: her dad wouldn't agree and he'll not have stopped 😭😭 about that lad Janis: can get surgery to pop that back Janis: her ma will know Jimmy: 🎄🎁 sorted Janis: he'll still KNOW Janis: no going back to being 👸 Jimmy: 💔💔 Janis: who's not got a dad now, like Janis: #disowned Jimmy: if she kills herself and I get stuck with her 👻 Jimmy: that there's a REAL rom com, soz babe Janis: happily let her take you off my hands Jimmy: 👍 Janis: forever ever is an awfully long time Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: gutted I don't have a 💍 to do you a fake proposal at midnight mass Jimmy: need a Sharon leaving her tat about, sort it out Ian Janis: leaning into the hallmark romcoms there Jimmy: your nan not a fan? Janis: god knows Janis: literal, probably chats about her daily with him constant Jimmy: 😂 Janis: poor bloke Janis: not even a nun, stop bending his ear like you 💍 him Jimmy: #godssidechick Janis: she's used to it Janis: 😱 Janis: LOVES the priest and all Jimmy: OMG how fit and mysterious is he? Janis: Well there's a NEW one, can you believe it Janis: haven't been in years, like Jimmy: !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jimmy: @graciegurl I NEED a makeover RN Janis: she'll be too busy trying to match with a baby Jimmy: 📷 tah Janis: what? Jimmy: come on, I wanna 👀 see who's 😭 more, her or the 👶 Janis: oh Janis: [probably already harassing ruster and the kids so have at those socials] Jimmy: what did you think I meant? Janis: that would wanted her to 📷 her motd for you to copy or something Jimmy: 🥇💡 out serve her 👗 in the eyes of god Janis: is that really a challenge though Jimmy: nah, which is why I won't actually bother Janis: sure she won't either Janis: not in a 😍 way, just the wholesome 😇 thing Jimmy: as excuses go, it's a 🏅 for participation again Janis: well you'll see why when you get there Jimmy: LOVE it when you bust out a threat Jimmy: 🤤🤤🤤 Janis: it's not a threat really but again, sure you will be Jimmy: SO 😁 me Jimmy: sod off 🎅 I'm waiting for god to hand out the 🎁🎁 Janis: ugh don't Janis: she does think she's a fucking gift from god Jimmy: I wanna hate her but obvs that's where you get your big head from, girl and I 💕 that about you Janis: shut up Janis: I ain't nothing like her Jimmy: 🤐 Jimmy: one of a kind 🏆 Janis: just not a cunt Jimmy: thank GOD we're faking this 'cause that's totally my type Janis: 👍 Jimmy: 👍 Janis: go on Janis: go have a good day Janis: see you later Jimmy: say piss off like you mean it Janis: come on Jimmy: what? Janis: I just don't want to talk about my family Jimmy: alright Jimmy: crack on slagging off mine for a bit if you want Jimmy: piss easy 🎯 Janis: I'm alright for it Janis: I'll go put myself in that coma Jimmy: nice of you to give Lucas a 🎁 Jimmy: I'll fake not feeling left out Janis: oi Janis: I gave you presents Jimmy: not an induced coma though, were it? Janis: crack on if you've got a spare 5 minutes Jimmy: for you, always have 💕 Janis: so goals Janis: isn't that another Sandy film? Jimmy: not her in the coma Jimmy: but there is sibling bollocks that Gracie'd lose her shit over Janis: yeah but she does fuck a dude in a coma, more or less Janis: is what I'm getting at Jimmy: she's desperate for it, til she ain't Jimmy: not fake dating the way we do it Janis: so she pussies out at the end Janis: 🙄 Janis: expected better of you, Sandra Jimmy: it's ages before then, trying to crack on to his brother as soon as he shows up, her Jimmy: ain't a kink unlocked, Lucas'll have to elsewhere to feel seen Janis: you know the best sites, share the wealth 👮🚨 Jimmy: might if he's got a 🎁 for me Janis: it's the detentions when we get back Janis: no patience, you Jimmy: be long gone by then Janis: sucks for you then Jimmy: you'll have to tell me about it Janis: what, in my 💌s Jimmy: slide into my DMs, baby Jimmy: won't be that many J's in there Jimmy: if we're going back up north no dickhead knows their alphabet that far Jimmy: 👶 names stop at G for Gaz Janis: yet your ability to think up obscure J names knows no bounds Janis: weird flex but alright Jimmy: 🖋🎨 Janis: oh I get it Janis: Bill talking right now Janis: 👋 lad Jimmy: valorous m'rning, wench 👋 Jimmy: at which hour art thee going to leaveth this daw and runneth off with me? Jimmy: that gent cannot coequal readeth 'r writeth Jimmy: 😱😱😱 Jimmy: how shall thee knoweth thou art did love?!! Janis: I feel like Asia any time any lad opens his mouth Janis: don't fully know what you're saying but I know I like it Janis: 🤤🤤🤤 Jimmy: he's taking the piss out of me, 'course you do Janis: of course Janis: SUCH a bully, me Jimmy: the angelics were last night Jimmy: you've got today off Janis: s'what 💀👑 crying on in my inbox right now Janis: not like she actually makes it her life's mission to be a massive bitch to everyone or nothing 👌 Jimmy: show us Janis: [Mia acting the victim like THAT WAS TOO FAR I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE DONE THAT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE etc] Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: bit rude of her to give me fuck all credit Janis: the obsession is real Janis: plus why blame a lad when you can a girl Janis: more drama more fun 🙌 Jimmy: do you wanna do something? Jimmy: no challenge to go further Janis: Don't know Janis: if she's bullshitting how serious it actually is, there's always NYE to fuck up as well Jimmy: alright, do you want a night off instead? Janis: it's christmas eve Jimmy: and? Janis: only the really unlucky work it Janis: and 🎅 Jimmy: there you go then, be piss easy to do 📵 Janis: but you've got your brother Jimmy: weren't gonna put him on a selfie ban an' all Janis: he would be gutted Jimmy: he's already watched Rudolf get bullied by the 😎 lad who looks like he were in a reindeer boyband, bit of the glowing red nose for him it were, but we know how it ends Jimmy: he'll dry his eyes and be alright Janis: that film is brutal Janis: should come with a warning, tbh Jimmy: that'll be why Ian put it on for him Janis: seems like his cup of tea Janis: if your difference makes you useful, then we'll start being alright to you Janis: dunno how being deaf is gonna get all the prezzies out on time but you know Jimmy: toughen up and get a job, lad Jimmy: dunno what you're pissing about at Janis: being 6? psh Jimmy: when he were 6 he were down a mine, DUH Janis: and that's why you're short Janis: got it Jimmy: and that's why I've gotta wear 👠 Janis: Alright, you can borrow a pair Janis: don't beg Jimmy: soz that I wanna be a slag for Jesus Jimmy: his foot fetish is well known, gotta go above and beyond 🏆 Janis: 😂 Janis: slags4jesus is the name of the women's group she runs so Janis: fit right in Jimmy: sign me up Janis: 'course Janis: really, you just try to one up each other with the best 🍰s and who the father LOVES more Janis: well like the gals, so easy Jimmy: well in, I'll do a 🥧 Jimmy: cut my 👶🦷 on crusts 🍺s and 🥔s Janis: down the mines, I remember Janis: she LOVES a sob story Janis: obvs, the bible is one big 😭😱🤯 read Jimmy: that's him, my only job were being a MASSIVE letdown, obvs Jimmy: employee of the month every time Janis: even barista boy is preferrable Janis: at least you can't be a mistake, being the first, like Jimmy: still managed it 🏆🥇💪 Jimmy: middle kid's the only one they wanted, bit awkward she's a girl, like Janis: 👎 unlucky, Ian Jimmy: unlucky for me I am his Jimmy: 😒 an' all Janis: you don't need to tell me Janis: nothing more disappointing Jimmy: 🤞 for my sister she ain't Jimmy: be nowt better as a 🎄🎁 Janis: What do you mean? Jimmy: having a different dad would be #ultimategoals Janis: or something to have a complex about Janis: go find the other cunt and he's just as shit Jimmy: he'd have to go some Jimmy: or be 💀💀💀 Janis: give a bloke a chance and he'll just disappoint you Janis: 2 of my sisters have a different dad, and he's just as shit, just not dead Janis: not like your mum was hiding a 🤴 right Janis: fairytale shit Jimmy: Oi, that don't sound like you've been taking notes from Rudolf's #rideordie missus Janis: obviously you're the exception to every rule Jimmy: late but decent save, mate Janis: no point diving 'til you need to Janis: always premature, you Jimmy: not with ankles like yours Jimmy: and I were born late, ALMOST like I knew how grim it were up north Janis: shut up Janis: like I'd play goalie anyway, though they always try it 'cos I'm the tallest Janis: typical you too, awkward Jimmy: not enough 👏👏🌹 for you, I get it Janis: just boring Jimmy: 👌 Janis: you know, you're a lad Jimmy: @iantaylor8 Jimmy: SUCH a lad, me Janis: just an observation but take it as 👏👏🌹 if you're hard up for it Jimmy: tah Jimmy: not having 💀👑 in my inbox is a real blow to my big head Janis: if her dad ever lets her out again Janis: hit you up to 💔 me hard, I'm sure Jimmy: I'll have the 🥀 ready Janis: if that's a metaphor for your inability to get it up for her, get Jimmy back, Bill, trying to talk here Jimmy: 😏 Janis: can you even imagine Janis: have more fun with a cheese grater, seriously Jimmy: 💰 on Asia's dad being a right good time Janis: yeah, well you 💘 her Janis: got to have got that sparkling wit from somewhere Jimmy: hang on, these reindeer are proper starcrossed Jimmy: behind bars and all sorts Jimmy: 📝 Janis: despite what Mia reckons, don't think her daddy can jail us for this Janis: have to go a bit harder Jimmy: count me in Jimmy: reckon I'm gonna have to go a bit harder to get Ian's feet out from under the table here an' all Janis: 👍 Janis: sooner the better Janis: festivities are doing my head in Jimmy: me an' all Jimmy: if Sharon gets namedropped any more than he has done, I'll be 🍽 for her tomorrow Janis: ew Janis: Sharon, you not got a family of your own? Janis: someone we can call, like Jimmy: sounds like she's got kids she'd be bringing Janis: 😬 Janis: that's hell Jimmy: 🤞 he's all 🗨 and ain't gonna risk showing her what his happy family's like Janis: nothing better than a 'best behaviour' christmas Jimmy: I dunno, today's gonna win some 🏆🏆🏆 Janis: you're loving rudolph and your #ladsladslads time, don't lie Jimmy: finished that, about to go on a massive 🐕🏃 before I smack Ian Jimmy: so festive Janis: I'm pretending I'm 😴 Jimmy: top fake snores, yeah? Janis: that and hiding under the covers 'til they fuck off Jimmy: 🥇 Jimmy: I can piss off if it'll give you away Janis: don't worry Janis: they know I ain't, as my oldest sister rudely came in and tore my blankets off me Janis: still ignore them just the same Janis: sign language you taught me is well helpful Jimmy: you're welcome Jimmy: still loads of time to get more lessons in before the hol is over Janis: 🙌 Jimmy: 👍 Janis: least the kid will enjoy your walk Janis: and the 🐕 Janis: obvs Jimmy: 😒🚬 and 😎🖍 Jimmy: 🐕💔 'cause you ain't here Janis: 😏 Janis: tell her it's mutual Jimmy: tell her yourself, you ain't mute Jimmy: 🗨💌 Janis: am too Janis: 🤐 Jimmy: should've said you lost your voice last night Jimmy: what could be more #goals or a better alibi for not grassing up 💀👑 Janis: should've had this 🥇💡 last night Janis: idc, she knew it was us, it was obvious, half the point Jimmy: talk to me then Janis: I am Jimmy: 👂? Janis: oh, I get it Janis: you wanna chat so you look 😎 too Janis: yeah, alright Jimmy: the health of your vocal cords is well important to me and my nursing kink Jimmy: nowt else Janis: practice makes perfect Janis: go ahead, least then I can pretend this is a private conversation Jimmy: [sings her a song from the Rudolf film like hey] Janis: [dramatic late 90s slow jam that it is lmao, how could you not lol] Jimmy: [Bobby may be deaf but the other peeps out and about aren't so I'm loling, oh jimothy] Janis: [just like, have you considered going on whatever x factor equivalent is a thing now] Jimmy: [talking about how much their fans would love that and they'd be starcrossed af while he's doing it] Janis: ['dedicate every performance to me, pretend I'm dying in some hospital somewhere, miraculous recovery for the finale'] Jimmy: ['be a top plot twist when you kill me'] Janis: ['press'll have a field day'] Jimmy: ['Ian'll be chuffed to bits' because we know his mum's disappearance got some attention locally hens] Janis: ['lives for attention too, yeah?'] Jimmy: ['you'd be a great match, you're right'] Janis: ['you'll have to introduce me'] Jimmy: ['come round tomorrow, more the merrier, clearly' thank god I'm not actually gonna make you spend it with Ian's gf though] Janis: ['just tell the kid he's got to be a dick, not all cute and friendly, she won't wanna come back'] Jimmy: ['hang on, I'll get him practicing, have him kick this dog or something'] Janis: [noise equivalent of an eyeroll] Jimmy: ['what were that?' as if we don't know] Janis: ['you're a dickhead' but a light tone we're not fuming lol] Jimmy: [say it back but likewise not in a fuming way] Janis: ['any fans out?'] Jimmy: [sending pisstakey pics of people who definitely aren't fans that she won't see til this phone call ends to make her lol 'nowt we could go where there wouldn't be' like we're SO popular which is another pisstake but honestly where's the lie] Janis: ['true, even the sheep rate us'] Jimmy: ['first class representation'll do that' because that sheep costume was great and we all know it] Janis: ['good times' not even lying] Jimmy: ['the lad'll be heartbroken you ain't here an' all if he wants to craft in a bit' because also true] Janis: ['he don't need my help, or yours' lil art hoe but we sad 'cos bored and fuming about xmas lol] Jimmy: [noise equivalent of like mhmm without being that cos he's not one of the gals, when you open your mouth to say I need you though after that but obvs can't and don't] Janis: ['you twirling the cord 'round your finger?' like he is one of those gals] Jimmy: ['might be'] Janis: ['alright, tease' 😏] Jimmy: [a noise like he's so OTT offended like call me a slag or anything else but not that] Janis: ['soz, but if the secretarial role and blank expression fits, babe'] Jimmy: ['I ain't trying to be my dad's type, you want Mia on your other line, babes'] Janis: [a noise like ew, okay, this is weird 'I'll stop'] Jimmy: ['stop what?' like we're playing but really we're like don't stop talking to me ILY] Janis: ['you shouldn't have provided such a compelling narrative, but her in my inbox is enough, if I have to HEAR her attempt at a Southside accent, like you're not from here as well Mia'] Jimmy: [a noise because we sincerely and genuinely hate her so much] Janis: ['caveman works better, who's type is that but mine, obvs'] Jimmy: ['hang on, I'll do a twitter poll'] Janis: ['you're meant to be having a day off' the affection in our voice] Jimmy: ['I don't want one' true but we'll pretend it's fake if we have to] Janis: ['junkie' and a jokey tut] Jimmy: ['that's every dickhead I ain't made a latte for all day'] Janis: ['the shakes are real, Gracie's fucked her steady hand, like'] Jimmy: ['explains the shit make up' harsh sir] Janis: [lols but gasps like we're so SHOOK hunz 'you that wanted the makeover earlier, like'] Jimmy: ['never said I could do any better'] Janis: ['you don't need any, bastard'] Jimmy: ['neither do you, no need to mard at me' again where's the lie] Janis: ['I ain't, but I can see why they obsess over you, don't know whether to punch you or fuck you'] Jimmy: [a lol] Janis: ['choice is made easy with me by how straight they are, especially Mia and Ella' like lofuckingl hen] Jimmy: [a bigger lol] Janis: [silently 😍] Jimmy: ['if you wanna do the full face of silver again, won't mard at you' cos what a look tbh] Janis: [hmms like we're pondering 'how many hickeys do you still have?' adds 'that'll be on show' quieter, because we know and we remembering 'if it's not a lot, a red lip might be a fair shout to show how much we're sinning'] Jimmy: [lost in our thoughts being distracted af for a while there because we already missed the bae but now we MISS her as well 'not as many as you' isn't even true but 1. we're competitive  and 2. we're shamelessly asking for more here like it isn't christmas eve and we aren't starcrossed rn] Janis: ['can't have that...' also distracted, obvs 'he'll be going to sleep well early, yeah? so santa comes sooner' 'cos I do remember going to bed earlier like the sooner you're asleep the sooner he'll be here 'could do something more fun than singing hymns before, maybe'] Jimmy: ['he's got the tracker but if nowt else I'll cause a sugar crash' because kids all do be tracking Santa now on an app like gotta get to bed before he flies over your area lol but jimothy is like you WILL go to bed early Bobert because he already wants to get away 'reckon I could pick you up without causing an actual one though' because not above stealing Ian's car and abandoning it somewhere on christmas eve, it's very deserved] Janis: [makes an ugh noise, like don't even with that bloody tracker lmao 'but I can walk now' 'cos just assuming that's what he means, as per] Jimmy: ['but Ian deserves to more than you' because he does and how funny is that as a visual him trying to find his car, sucks to suck sir 'he might like the middle of nowt, move us there an' all'] imagine the next door neighbour cliche haha] Janis: [catching on like lol, alright 'never mind wifeswap, houseswap it is'] Jimmy: ['pick him a sheep, give it a blonde dye job, name it Sharon, paradise for him, that'] Janis: [just like ewwww] Jimmy: ['alright, I hear you, no farmyard threesomes at my housewarming' don't worry bae, won't fuck a sheep lol] Janis: ['I'm just thinking about how I look like a sheep with a blonde dye job' pouty voice] Jimmy: ['shut up' like NO YOU DON'T 'you look-' remembering that we can't just out ourselves 'fit, mysterious and obvs, most importantly, goals'] Janis: ['you would say that' like sheep shagger lol] Jimmy: ['never even seen a sheep before that nativity bollocks, me' oh manchester never been there but I have heard you are shit] Janis: ['I forgot you ain't moors and dales Northern'] Jimmy: [an OTT how dare you kinda noise like you should remember everything about me] Janis: ['I know, I know, gotta study for the next Q&A'] Jimmy: ['gotta go cry my eyes out'] Janis: ['shh, baby' 😏 'twix will comfort you'] Jimmy: ['does look a bit like a sheep, her'] Janis: ['you are an animal'] Jimmy: [a pisstakey grr or whatever which everyone out and about will enjoy I'm sure] Janis: ['do that again' like you're SO into it but we're obvs loling] Jimmy: [does though because no shame] Janis: ['perks of a deaf brother is he has no idea how embarrassing you are, I get it now'] Jimmy: ['not saying I deafened him cos my sister hates me or owt but'] Janis: [gasps like OMG and does the eastenders duff duffs] Jimmy: [loling again because we're just having a lovely time with the bae] Janis: ['so on brand for you' like you did cripple me 'what are you gonna try tonight, like' like how you gonna injure me again but it just sounds saucy] Jimmy: ['I'll think of something' cos we're thinking all the saucy things now] Janis: ['I believe in you'] Jimmy: ['more than that other dickhead' yeah we do mean santa lol] Janis: ['no need to be jealous, he was a right let down for us all'] Jimmy: ['I ain't, my lap's never been a letdown for you'] Janis: [just a noise so then we're like 'shut up' but soft 'cos we're embarrassed] Jimmy: [telling her to do it again like she did but not in a pisstakey manner at all this time] Janis: ['you should be here, then you could make me make whatever sounds you wanted'] Jimmy: ['in a bit' but with way more feeling than it suggests, like that's a promise honey] Janis: ['good' likewise, practically a sigh of relief at the prospect] Jimmy: [a sigh from him in return but because he wishes it was now] Janis: ['I-' and whatever we were gonna say is not gonna be said '-I've gotta go, I think' tbf the fam are probably being annoying so go moodily sit on your phone] Jimmy: ['you-' likewise we're not finishing that sentence 'should piss off then' but soft because we're not annoyed we're just forlorn] Janis: good chat 💪🏆 Jimmy: [sending her even more hilarious 'fan' pics because we gotta do something to cheer us] Jimmy: 👍✔ Janis: when ain't that flasher looking bloke in my DMs, honestly 😂 Jimmy: #same Jimmy: if you were after a threesome, he's the one Janis: we don't need to spice it up Janis: we proved that Jimmy: won't bother asking him if he needs a lift in a bit then Janis: just saying, 💀👑 literally threatened to tell my ma on me Janis: like go ahead, I don't wanna fuck her so Jimmy: your mum might be after a bit of gossip about what a cheating slag 💀👑 is Jimmy: SUCH a bad influence for Gracie, that Janis: sadly not that kind of Sharon Janis: though she already hates her 'cos who don't Jimmy: chuffed for her that she ain't in the running to 💍 Ian Janis: we only PRETEND you're my hot step-brother sometimes Janis: don't ruin the fantasy, guys Jimmy: they've got form for not being seen again, and the orphan at 🎄 bollocks is a bit too cliche even for you, my dear Janis: fine Janis: at least take my sister then Janis: ffs Ian Jimmy: which one? Janis: oldest one Janis: I don't want you to meet her Jimmy: knowing him he could go through 'em all before new year's Janis: ones already dead so it's only 3 Janis: easy Jimmy: there you go then Janis: IOU Jimmy: 💀💀💀 me before new year's and we're even Janis: Promise Jimmy: and have a 💭 where we should leave his car Janis: I know a place Jimmy: I knew you would Janis: I am half criminal Janis: his stereotype is correct Jimmy: me an' all, he just ain't been caught for owt Jimmy: that #whiteprivilege Janis: 'cept the arse slapping Janis: but I ask you, is it SUCH a crime to tell a woman to smile more? Jimmy: slap on the wrist then though, bit poetic Janis: bit kinky Janis: frankly, he was into it Jimmy: 'course Janis: does depend though Janis: do you want his car left alone or do you want it burnt out Jimmy: what kind of question is that? Janis: one you should answer Jimmy: depends if chauffeuring you about is gonna become a regular thing, more like Janis: if I was bothered about that, I'd just date a 17 year old Janis: there's 2 real options, or 3 Jimmy: it's 45 + or nowt for you, Janet, every dickhead knows that Janis: exactly, got those lifts on tap Jimmy: probably shouldn't make my sister that easy prey for Lucas and his mates, the rivalry would be knackering Jimmy: my fake age's already getting a bit old for him 💔 Janis: then there's 2 options Janis: we can put it in a ditch Janis: that might result in a bit more damage, but it might also make him think someone else nicked it? idk Janis: or we can just put it in a field by mine, less damage but it'll be more obvious it were you, if that's what you want Jimmy: I don't reckon he'll pack up and move just 'cause there's dickhead car thieves about Janis: more obvious the better Janis: alright Jimmy: 👍 Janis: just don't crash on your way over Jimmy: I won't have had chance to get pissed, it's alright Janis: 👍 Jimmy: 🥛 out for 🎅 not Ian's precious 🥃 OBVS Janis: very wholesome Janis: nothing to do with how depleted his stock is Jimmy: 😏 Janis: imagine how wrecked 🎅 would be by the end of the night Jimmy: bit like you last night is what I 💭 Janis: You had the outfit Janis: uncanny, some would say Jimmy: alright, enjoy your 💭💕 Janis: shut up Janis: if I was that pissed, wouldn't even remember it so there Jimmy: it were an unforgettable outfit Jimmy: and you've got loads of 📷 Janis: 😏 Janis: I'll go 👀 then Jimmy: go on Janis: don't distract me Jimmy: why not? Janis: because Jimmy: ? Janis: I already want to see you Janis: don't make it worse Jimmy: you won't if you forget about me 👻💔 Janis: that's only the plan for when you've fucked off Janis: or if we end this before then Jimmy: getting Lucas to comfort you in detention, yeah I've heard Janis: just inevitable, that Jimmy: just that #fated Janis: like you said, he strikes when 💔 Janis: #grooming101 Jimmy: it's a 😭 shame the Sharons all are too old for him Janis: biggest difference between him and his bezzie mate Ian, obvs Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Janis: they work around it Janis: so solid Jimmy: OBVS where I get my work ethic from Janis: must be Janis: we'll be nice and not call it an addiction Jimmy: keep you on that list until after 🎅's pissed off Janis: BABE 😤 Janis: I'm ALWAYS nice to you Jimmy: never said you weren't Jimmy: and wouldn't in case you kick off, proper nightmare, you Janis: 😭😭😭 OMG Jimmy: 🤐 Janis: the real #goals Jimmy: 🔪or ✂👅 Janis: ✂ would be satisfying Jimmy: bit rude that we're PRETENDING my 👅 isn't Jimmy: but alright, from 💀👑's SUPER straight POV, I get it Jimmy: closed mouth 💋🐸 Janis: if she's not gonna blow you, you aren't allowed to go down on her Janis: s'like, the rules Jimmy: #daddyperks Janis: only man big enough to trigger her gag reflex Janis: how romantic Jimmy: 💕 Janis: 😬 feel sick myself Jimmy: you said you wanted turning off Jimmy: job done Janis: not exactly what I said, bighead Jimmy: shh Janis: or what Jimmy: you know what Jimmy: we'll be back at square 1 Janis: fine Jimmy: is it? Janis: 😇 Jimmy: wings did suit you Janis: got some weird looks bringing them back on the bus Jimmy: surprised you didn't 🔥 knowing what you're like Janis: should've Janis: they aren't actually mine but dunno why I let that stop me Jimmy: whose are they? Jimmy: 🤞 for your gay brother tbh Janis: he isn't the camp cliche Janis: thankfully Janis: but my mum is weird so swings and roundabouts Jimmy: UGH fine, I'll be the camp cliche your family is missing Janis: thanks Janis: just what I needed a fake boyfriend for tbh Jimmy: duh Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: Oi, don't 🙄 @ me Janis: 🙄🙄🙄🙄 Janis: it's @ the 🌍 Jimmy: nice try on the 😇 for that sec Janis: it's not in my nature Janis: believe it or not Jimmy: that'll why it were such a good costume Janis: Rude Jimmy: it's a compliment, dickhead Jimmy: take it Janis: that I'm a right bitch, yeah, tah Jimmy: that weren't what I said Jimmy: nowt but 😈's getting me out of here Janis: works for you Jimmy: and what, me needing a hand off you does nowt for you all of a sudden? Janis: didn't say that Jimmy: what then? Janis: just reminds me I'm here for the foreseeable Jimmy: I'll shove you in my bag, SO flexible, you, I've heard Janis: and you're so funny Jimmy: you ain't heard that anywhere about Janis: you gutted they're not gossiping about your fit personality Janis: poor baby Jimmy: sounds about right Jimmy: 💔 these dickheads don't know everything about me Jimmy: all I want for 🎄 that Janis: it's great fun Janis: really recommend Jimmy: 👍 10/10 5⭐s Jimmy: you're alright, I've been there, done it Jimmy: bought the 😎 Janis: dunno why you want to go back Jimmy: never said I did Janis: yeah but Janis: don't you Jimmy: for what? Janis: same reason you wanna leave Jimmy: never said that either Janis: everywhere's the same Janis: why does it matter that you piss off Jimmy: it don't matter to me Janis: alright Janis: I get it Jimmy: 🏆 Janis: don't be a douche Jimmy: how am I? Janis: just no need to be condescending Jimmy: I weren't Janis: 👍 Jimmy: you get it, that's not nowt when I'm shit with words Jimmy: take your 🏆 Janis: should've been more obvious Janis: all you care about is your brother and sister Jimmy: don't @ my manager, tah Janis: 🤐 Janis: coffee IS your passion Jimmy: ☕💕 Janis: top 🥉barista boy Jimmy: *🥇 Janis: I put you on the podium, don't push it Jimmy: I'll push you off yours if you're gonna be a dickhead Janis: *pedestal Janis: we can confirm 🥈 alright Jimmy: steady on 🤓 Jimmy: and yeah, you can give yourself 🥈 often as you like Janis: you won't be invited to 👀 Jimmy: don't need an invite when I've got a long lens, babe Janis: 😡 just FYI Jimmy: 👀📷 Jimmy: FYI my 🐕 might look a bit like you but she's a shit muse Janis: 1. so complimentary today, definitely posting all these animal comparisons to the 'gram 2. never work with 🐕, 👶 or 👶🐕 Jimmy: I could do better but you told me you couldn't hack it Janis: no I never Jimmy: don't make it worse, you said Janis: fine, do Jimmy: [a 🔥🔥 sext that's full of compliments because she asked for it] Janis: okay Janis: you're Jimmy: I wanna see you an' all Janis: I can't stop thinking about you today Jimmy: it'll chuck the outfit back on if that were it Janis: not just that Janis: but it was a bonus Jimmy: what else? Janis: just Janis: you were fun Janis: and hot Janis: I don't know Jimmy: Oi, am I not ALWAYS? Janis: shh, you know what I mean Janis: I want to see you especially hard today Jimmy: I'm just taking the piss, you're alright Jimmy: I get it Janis: you better Janis: or I will have to make sure you feel it Jimmy: I already do feel it but that ain't a no Jimmy: on owt you wanna make me do Janis: that's a 💡💭 Jimmy: go on Janis: I keep thinking Janis: we could make use of the car Janis: 📸 some more evidence for you Jimmy: you're impressive Janis: I selfishly just want to, but if we can make it useful we do, that's the rules, yeah? Jimmy: yeah Janis: but you can call me impressive all you like Jimmy: you can earn it however you like Janis: fuck Janis: why are you the only lad that's interesting Jimmy: why do you want other lads to be interesting? Janis: I don't Janis: I didn't think you would be Jimmy: rude Janis: 'cos you thought I would be Jimmy: I wouldn't have picked you if I didn't Janis: I've got eyes, not saying that Janis: it's Janis: I didn't expect this, obviously Jimmy: fit AND mysterious, that means I were interested Janis: reasons there's gay rumours, I guess Jimmy: I don't care what the dickheads at school think, I'm telling you what I reckoned Janis: I'm glad you picked me Janis: for loads of reasons Jimmy: me an' all Janis: I didn't disappoint then? Jimmy: what kind of question is that? Janis: you make it very hard to beg for validation, you know 😏 Jimmy: you make it well easy to beg for all sorts Janis: I wanna hear Janis: I really want that Jimmy: alright but I'm not saying it in front of all your sisters and nans Janis: well that ain't what I want either, oddly enough Jimmy: go to whatever hiding place your mum ain't stashed 🎁🎁 Janis: we always find places to be alone Jimmy: impressive, I said it Janis: I don't disagree Jimmy: good, 'cause it'd only be for the sake of Janis: I'm being nice Janis: I want to be, to you, anyway Jimmy: I don't disagree with that either Jimmy: you're being so Janis: you've earnt it Janis: today would be more shit if you weren't about to talk to so Jimmy: I don't need to go on about how #relatable that is when there's loads more you wanna hear me say but Janis: rude of me when you're not much of a talker Janis: like it when you do though Jimmy: [call her up again this time to talk her ear off in a saucy manner boy] Janis: [into it honey] Jimmy: [we know what #mood you are both very much in rn and where that's heading lol] Janis: [I hope you hear Ian, not in a weird way but fuck you lol] Jimmy: [agreed also not in a weird way] Janis: [start as we mean to go on, and we're fucking you over sir] Jimmy: [not soz because you're literally one of the worst parents we have and that's saying something] Janis: [you do deserve it, even if this doesn't produce the effect you want Jimothy, not soz about that either though] Jimmy: [am very soz you're gonna get hurt but not soz you're staying here with your bae forever] Janis: [yeah that's not nice, we are running awayawayay] Jimmy: [and taking all our faves with us, unlucky Mia] Janis: [we can skip now we've made you pine though?] Jimmy: [yeah we know the vibe is that you're hating life until you can be together and your fams would be keeping you at least a bit busy] Janis: what you wearing if not the costume? Janis: I'm 🤔 Jimmy: what do you want me to? Janis: I'm thinking not church respectable but without being the costumes, you know Janis: festive hoe hoe hoe lite Janis: that's the VIBE babe Jimmy: [sends her options with him doing pisstakey impressions of how the gals pose] Jimmy: ? Janis: YOU LOOK STUNNING, YOU HAVE TO UPLOAD THESE ALL! Janis: but [an option, I'll show you what I'm going with for her and then you can pick whatever you want lol] is good Jimmy: [does upload them all cos no shame] Janis: [so many pisstakey hype comments like 😍😍😍 like we're not lying but we being like the #gals] Jimmy: [just having a lovely time via socials, sucks to suck Mia cos we know you're in the shit hun] Janis: [i'd feel bad if you weren't awful, you need calming down frankly madam] Jimmy: Where we going? Janis: pub, of course Janis: xmas eve pub crawl is tradition Jimmy: 🍻 Janis: that alright? Jimmy: it's what that pisshead 🎅 would want us to do Janis: RIP 'til next year Janis: if you make it Jimmy: you promised to 💀💀💀 me before new year's so if I'm still about that'll be your fault Janis: I'm talking about pisshead 🎅 Janis: he's already 🥴 Jimmy: [sends her a screenshot of this tracker showing wherever he is] Janis: love it Janis: need one for you Janis: #amiriteladiez Jimmy: if it means I don't get lost on the way to yours, crack on Janis: strap a satnav to you Jimmy: need a big strap to go round my head Janis: massive Janis: one of those resistance bands Jimmy: if them athlete rumours weren't bollocks you'll be able to sort that piss easy Janis: can't wait to twang you 'round the face with it Jimmy: 😍🤤🤤 Jimmy: on the same page, us, as per Janis: speaking of Janis: want a preview of what I've decided on for 🙌🙏 or you want a surprise? Jimmy: depends Janis: on? Janis: fair warning, it's no angel look, I don't need to be 🌩 down before you can 🔪 Jimmy: I were gonna ask if my 👴💘 were gonna give out but that answers that Janis: soz, not yet Janis: disappointing now Jimmy: nah, hot priest's jaw'll still be on the floor and your shit nan'll still be 💔 Janis: [this glittery 70s moment] Janis: it's festive but it DOES not honour God so yeah Janis: 😳 and 😡 respectively Jimmy: 🥇 Jimmy: might have to ✎ you for today's 🎨 'cause that's Jimmy: #art Janis: I've even got a discoball to shine in his 👀 when he's trying to read Jimmy: thought of everything, you Janis: well Janis: had to do something to occupy my 🕠 Janis: couldn't keep bothering you ALL day, not very 😇 Jimmy: gonna have to do something to pull my weight Jimmy: not very goals of me to leave this all to you Janis: trust me, just showing up is enough Jimmy: for them, not you Janis: you know what I want Janis: so it is enough for me too Jimmy: alright Janis: you're gonna steal and not crash your dad's car Janis: that's impressive Jimmy: 🍒 for you Jimmy: had no chance to test out my gag reflex so Janis: you know how to drive though Jimmy: yeah Janis: good Janis: not being held responsible for vehicular manslaughter Jimmy: you can leave out the 🤓 words, I ain't letting nowt happen to you Janis: more concerned about you Janis: just don't use me as an alibi, I know nothing about this plan 😶 Jimmy: ah the Sharon defense Jimmy: 👍 Janis: your white privilege, you'll be fine Jimmy: Lucas is gonna be SO into you Janis: yeah, need that throwback Jimmy: he does, to when you were years younger Janis: 🤞 for his christmas wish Jimmy: tell me if it worked and I'm fake dating a 12 year old Jimmy: 🤞 you'd be as obvs as Tom Hanks in that film and I'd know but Janis: 🤞 you wouldn't be as down as the woman in that Jimmy: chuffed to bits, her Jimmy: if I ever seem that excited to see you it's 🔪🪓🔧🔨 Janis: obviously Janis: nothing but a deathwish here Jimmy: 🐑🚗 Janis: stop calling me a sheep dickhead Jimmy: it were you who said it Janis: you're repeating it Jimmy: I were just saying you might wanna brace yourself to scrape your mates off my windscreen if them dickheads are owt like you Janis: they're stupid so yeah Janis: farmer's got guns though and that's not how I wanted to go Jimmy: BABE don't call yourself thick OMG Janis: 🙄 Janis: that's the rest of my family Janis: I'm Shaun Jimmy: jumper did suit you Janis: tah Jimmy: can't rate it as high as the wings or silver face but Janis: can accept the 🥉 Jimmy: might have to be chucked off the podium for today's outfit 💔🎻 Janis: but...we matched, babe 😭 Jimmy: 😭😭😭 Jimmy: IDK WHAT TO DO Janis: perils of turning too many lewks Jimmy: so rude of you Janis: maybe I'll make it up to you Jimmy: taking it off won't effect the rankings, Jules Janis: are you sure about that 🤔 Jimmy: you've got your own scale, girl Janis: do I Jimmy: yeah Janis: go on then Janis: don't leave me hanging Jimmy: I never said you were having it Janis: rude Jimmy: you're rude, stop trying to make me 😳 dickhead Janis: 😏 Janis: but it's cute Jimmy: it'll clash with my outfit, duh Janis: red cheeks go well with a red nose Jimmy: piss off, ain't even had a drink yet Janis: plenty of time to remedy that Jimmy: how long's it gonna take me to get to the middle of nowt for you? Janis: not that long in a car Janis: it's only that long on the bus 'cos of all the stops Jimmy: crack on doing your face red for church then 😈 Jimmy: take you ages that will Janis: oi Janis: so rude and so hypocritical Jimmy: you can do mine an' all Jimmy: know how you feel about 🍓👃s like Janis: can do Janis: since you're so against 😳 Jimmy: let a lad be mysterious Janis: you're gonna be Janis: only gracie has heard about you so Jimmy: know she rates me and my ☕🎨 Janis: hardly a 🏆 that Jimmy: I don't want any 🏆 from her, tah Jimmy: weren't like I accidentally picked the wrong twin out 'cause you look SO alike Janis: yeah I'll remember you 💬 that when you try and 💬 otherwise later Jimmy: you gonna smack me in the head til I'm 🧠💀💀💀 in a bit ? FINALLY Janis: you haven't got a brother I'm interested in so nah Janis: soz Jimmy: might do somewhere, don't be too 💔😭🎻 yet Janis: keep you having the odd 💡💭 'til that's #confirmed Jimmy: 👍 Janis: start the family tree, like Jimmy: weren't what I were gonna draw for you but alright Janis: if I have any more pictures of myself, people other than you might catch on to the big head thing Jimmy: I get it, you want a picture of me Jimmy: very subtle Janis: 😏 Jimmy: dunno if I've got a big enough piece of paper tbh Janis: s'what I tell EVERYONE Jimmy: love a Q&A you do Janis: *the fans Jimmy: *you Janis: lies and slander Jimmy: I keep telling you #notallsantas Jimmy: he's a lying pisstaking bastard but ME, nah Janis: 👌👌 Janis: believe in you when I 👀 you Jimmy: I've got the 🔑s, you'll be seeing me in a bit Janis: 🏆 Janis: be waiting Jimmy: Where? Jimmy: I can't pull up and let them all 👀 me Janis: pull up in my neighbours drive instead Janis: I'll be there Janis: [location] Jimmy: be able to spot your ✨ even with my 👴👀 Janis: 'course Janis: try not to blind you with my #shine Jimmy: 🌟 x as high as a northerner can count, you Janis: oh you Janis: 💖 Jimmy: don't be too chuffed that's only about 🌟🌟🌟 Janis: 💔 just as fast Janis: whatever will I do Jimmy: forgive me, obvs Janis: not your fault you're thick Jimmy: and I don't reckon Lucas' priority is improving my literacy, call me dead cynical Janis: wouldn't bet on it, personally Janis: but don't need to bet on this lot dobbing me in so we're 👍 Janis: might even get a cuppa, if I'm lucky Jimmy: if I were gonna call you a slag, it'd be now, with my jealousy 🗨 Janis: 😂 Janis: unlucky, boy Jimmy: 😒😒😒😒😒😒 Janis: shoulda got yourself a travel cup Jimmy: if I'd let the group chat know what we were up to they'd have reminded us Janis: SO helpful Janis: beside, not actually gonna go in Janis: be a bit awkward Jimmy: they've probably got pjs on, I get it Jimmy: too fit and mysterious, you Janis: just don't reckon showing up to your former childhood mates house unannounced is the one Janis: especially dressed like this much of a twat Jimmy: NOW I get it, you're 😍 Jimmy: would be awkward, that Janis: exactly Janis: not like I ain't spoke to 'em in years Jimmy: 😍 and 😳 Jimmy: this were the rom com all along Janis: obviously Janis: my sister did it first so ❌ unoriginal Jimmy: you're welcome for the nudge, mate Janis: SO funny Janis: hurry up and drive, dickhead Jimmy: don't 🥶 my dear Jimmy: there's loads more fun ways for your stubbornness to get you killed Janis: come show me Jimmy: [a picture of whatever shows the speed you're driving for cars of this era like okay we are going as fast as we can] Jimmy: no luck on the 👮🚔 escort, must've pissed off the lads by spending all my time with you Janis: I get it Janis: I miss you too Jimmy: it feels like ages Janis: yeah Janis: just a hectic day init Jimmy: *shit day Janis: that too Jimmy: Oi, you're my ☀ Jimmy: you're supposed to say some bollocks like when this is over we can just Janis: we can do whatever we want Jimmy: what about the 🐕s and ☕s? Janis: apart from that Janis: and school Janis: and the shit we have to do for the fans Janis: called a silverlining, alright, not the whole fucking cloud Jimmy: gonna run out of paper there yourself, all them bulletpoints Janis: not an actual 👼 or other type of miracle worker Jimmy: 😱😱 YOU WHAT? 💔 Janis: never said I was Janis: just a good costume 😈 Jimmy: never acted like you were either, I remember that much Janis: you weren't complaining Jimmy: you do make it hard to 🗨 Janis: you promised you would though Jimmy: I will Jimmy: 🏆💪🥇 me Janis: I'll allow it Jimmy: whatever we want, you said Janis: yeah Janis: I did Jimmy: I wanna keep my promises Janis: okay Janis: I want it too Jimmy: alright then Janis: 🕠 Jimmy: if it weren't your night off you could tell it to the fans Jimmy: shot yourself in the good ankle there, Jean Janis: I'll have to patiently wait instead Jimmy: don't sound like you, that Janis: 😲 Janis: watch me Jimmy: on you go Janis: no, on YOU go Janis: I'm staying put Jimmy: press record so I can 👀🍿 you try to wait Jimmy: be a right 😂 Janis: 😣 Janis: not laughing when I was having tea and you weren't Jimmy: poor baby Jimmy: it ain't my fault you're struggling already though Janis: Shh, I am not Jimmy: 🤏 Janis: I'm not that easy to break, thank you Jimmy: challenge accepted Jimmy: like you're a 🐴 and I'm some rich lass Janis: another animal comparison Janis: making me miss you less by the second tbh Jimmy: one I'd be fine with 🍆📏✔ so alright, you can be the 💰💰 Janis: 😂 Janis: you might be fine, I'd have serious internal injuries Jimmy: UGH okay, just the tip Jimmy: if that's really not how you wanna go Janis: how Bill really wanted to end Romeo and Juliet but you know Janis: he was already 💀 Jimmy: bloody censorship Janis: what's worse, bestiality or necrophilia? Jimmy: if you wanna keep your job, probably get down the cemetery Janis: you brought it up, horsecock Janis: not taking the blame Jimmy: you asked, there's your answer Janis: FINE Janis: get Bill back on the line Jimmy: he's biased, he wants you to fuck his corpse Janis: does explicitly state otherwise on his tombstone Jimmy: I know what I've heard from his 👻 Janis: awh, he talks about me Jimmy: never shuts up Jimmy: oh hang on, he wants you to fuck MY corpse Jimmy: 👻📞 problems Janis: interesting Janis: how either way, he wants me to fuck you Jimmy: his mind Janis: 🌌🧠 Jimmy: all the 🏆👏🌹 Janis: yeah, had to read some of his shit every year since we were like 10 Janis: we 👏 get 👏 it 👏 bill 👏 Jimmy: brb gotta ™ a 👶📖 called That's Not My Bard before some other dickhead does Janis: 🤑💰💰💰💰🤑 Jimmy: now you're impatiently waiting Jimmy: job done Janis: LOVE when you call me a gold digger Jimmy: you'd be a shit one Jimmy: don't make THAT much in tips Janis: not my goal Jimmy: no shit, you'd be on Mia's daddy if it were Janis: yeah Janis: or our neighbours dad Jimmy: or Ella's judging by her house Janis: exactly Jimmy: I'll @ 'em all when I ain't driving and can write a longer brag Janis: or application to be their sidepiece Janis: 👀 you Jimmy: #bitofrough 😘 Janis: 😒 Jimmy: come on, you know you're my fave job Janis: piss off Jimmy: baby Janis: shh Janis: focus on your driving, asshole Jimmy: 👌 Janis: 👋 Jimmy: [show up when it's been long enough sir] Janis: [get out of these people's drive tah girl, probably think you hoeing or something] Jimmy: [that isn't a rumour we need, turn the heating up boy she'll be cold after standing about] Janis: [been as stealth as poss. I hope] Jimmy: [also please don't crash the car cos you're 👀ing at her we don't need that either] Janis: ['you wanna abandon it now or later?' like are you gonna drunk drive or what 'cos obviously we're going out] Jimmy: ['where are we starting the pub crawl?' cos obvs don't wanna have to walk for miles and miles] Janis: ['there's enough 'round here to do one' shrug like up to you] Jimmy: [a nod like alright then we'll stick around here] Janis: [put feet on the dash like I'm warming up first though] Jimmy: [puts christmas songs on like I know you wanna hear these cos it's been a whole second since either of us have been forced to] Janis: [Ughs IRL Jimmy: [finds something less festive and annoying] Janis: ['kid go to sleep?'] Jimmy: [another nod but a face that expresses what fun and games it was to get him to] Janis: ['Libi ain't' 'cos she and mcvickers are probably sleeping over] Jimmy: ['he'll be gutted when he finds that out'] Janis: [mimes 💔 'too much sugar and I told her she can catch santa in the act so they're gonna have to try hard to fool her tonight'] Jimmy: [😏 cos we approve] Janis: [shrugs 'if I've gotta go to midnight mass, fuck their night too, yeah'] Jimmy: [a nudge like excuse you I'm going too so you'll have loads of fun because we do remember earlier when she called him fun and hot] Janis: [nudging him back like what? 'I get to ruin your night too 'cos I'm helping with the car' gestures like duh] Jimmy: ['ruin it then' how suggestive sir] Janis: [a kinda half LOOK 'cos obvs wanna but we're mad at you so can't yet] Jimmy: [a look like ? because we know that's not a full LOOK] Janis: [turns back to the xmas tunes like there you go] Jimmy: [turns them off fully because what's wrong please tell us] Janis: ['rude to Mariah' 'cos when is it not that song lol] Jimmy: ['she'll live' cos everyone else is listening to her lol] Janis: ['if she don't get that high note out, she might explode'] Jimmy: [turns it back on so she can have her moment] Janis: [just like there you go] Jimmy: [just looking at her] Janis: [own ? look] Jimmy: ['what?'] Janis: ['what do you mean 'what'?] Jimmy: [a nudge like you know what I mean] Janis: ['what?' again like, soz, not making this easy rn] Jimmy: ['I asked you first' and drawing a ? on her for emphasis] Janis: ['you didn't need to come early if you didn't want to'] Jimmy: ['I know' like obvs I did want to what are you talking about] Janis: ['a job is gonna be easier if you stick to what actually needs to be done'] Jimmy: [a noise like really this is why you're upset but we're saying 'come here'] Janis: [scowling like don't take the piss and shaking our head 'let's just go if we're going'] Jimmy: [repeating it like no seriously come here and be closer to me and look at me] Janis: ['this is stupid' 'cos we can't handle things normally and going to get out like what are you doing] Jimmy: [does get out like fine if you won't come to me I'll come to you and does so we're in her grill with eye contact 'yeah it is'] Janis: ['get out of my face' but not in an aggressive way] Jimmy: ['don't be a dickhead' likewise not in an aggressive way] Janis: ['stop saying I am' like stop acting like it's all me being stupid] Jimmy: [an exasperated noise that we can't help as is as much like I wish I was better at this than it is like an ugh against you gal 'I wanna be here'] Janis: ['clearly not now' which again is far more of, because I've fucked it up than it is a drag but there we go, again trying to walk away] Jimmy: ['don't be telling me what I want' we're not letting you go hen] Janis: ['it wasn't supposed to be another chore, and I don't want it if it is'] Jimmy: ['I've wanted to be here all day' because true, like that's the chore babe, not this] Janis: [just closing our eyes as we can't move away without pushing him rn and we aren't there yet 'you keep making me look stupid' pause 'not you, like you on purpose but this fucking...situation, I keep fucking it up'] Jimmy: ['me an' all' like I clearly upset you by being a dickhead so I'm fucking up too, it's not just you 'it's a headfuck, we've both said' cos it is and you have] Janis: ['you never come off looking as bad as I do' remembering every stupid thing we've ever said or done 'cos that bitch like wow, I look so lame, great but nods 'yeah' 'cos not disagreeing with that bit] Jimmy: ['I'll make a twat of myself now if that'll help' goes to get on the roof on this car like not even taking the piss we genuinely don't want her to feel bad] Janis: [just putting your arms out like don't slip 'cos lord knows it be icy 'I'd rather I just stopped but sure' like what is your plan tbh boy] Jimmy: [stands on this car roof and loudly recounts some scenario before they were paired up for this computer science project and he wanted to talk to her or whatever but made a twat of himself instead idk but you know the vibe and the trope haha like and this was before we were even in this situation so there you go] Janis: [just looking at him for the longest time then gesturing for him to get down like come here] Jimmy: [does obviously without falling to his death] Janis: ['truce?' and putting out you hand again because we can't and aren't outright apologizing] Jimmy: [shaking her hand because yes] Janis: [pulling him in the direction they need to go like let's get inside then] Jimmy: [get to that pub lads it's been a day for you] Janis: [first pint first pub baby] Jimmy: [you'll be downing that cos it's very much needed] Janis: [adjusting his ears when you sit down] Jimmy: [lowkey has probably forgot he has those antlers on by now so it's like oh yeah] Janis: [lil lol 'knew you loved Rudolph' like okay stan] Jimmy: [a lil lol back and we're humming the song like that's a banger] Janis: [rolls her eyes but affectionately] Jimmy: [draws whatever today's doodle is on a beer mat and then chucks it at her because #mood I like to think it's reindeer and 😳 related because duh] Janis: [just looking at it and smiling 'cos love it, do your socials gal] Jimmy: ['meant to be your night off' affectionately too like oh what are you like and pretending we're gonna chuck our phone in our pint glass but we obvs don't] Janis: [shrugs but not in a dismissive way as of earlier just like, may as well 'more #goals than a shit party'] Jimmy: [a noise like yeah that's not hard and draws the JJ love heart on the table like see, so's that] Janis: [handing him your keys like carve it so it's real, dickhead] Jimmy: [does] Janis: [snaps galore hun] Jimmy: [a look like are you gonna come here now] Janis: [likewise, does] Jimmy: [a really good kiss because what a day we've had] Janis: [get into it kids it's deserved] Jimmy: [honestly] Janis: [obviously we're getting on his lap, 'scuse us pub patrons leave it out of it, I did realise that you're in a jumpsuit so I've really limited how saucy you can be, hohaha what a cockblock, also heaven help you when you're pissed and need all the wees gal] Jimmy: [you gotta gal and he's likewise gotta make a sound because always, it's not for you pub peeps you shh, I had that same thought about the outfit being like oh no she'll be cold having to strip every time she wants to pee, they are so annoying] Janis: [we know it's v mutual, you do need to get a room tbh but at least wait a couple of pubs tah, and they truly are lmao, soz to do you like that but we're making a point with our 'fit here] Jimmy: [we'll let the tension build to an unbearable point and get a few more pints in you as we always do LOL] Janis: ['you're so-' between kisses 'cos always] Jimmy: [writes 'you' on her so he doesn't have to stop kissing to say it and going over and over the word like when he was carving the table because the most emphasis needed] Janis: [the reaction, you're welcome boy] Jimmy: [we know any reaction from her gets as good of a one back from him so you're both welcome] Janis: [these random old men and the show they're getting, soz not soz, just saying 'you' back and forth now] Jimmy: [thank god you're both 1. shameless 2. it's a pub crawl so we don't have to stay here all night 3. you don't have to go back if you don't want to because we're far too #into this] Janis: [we don't care lbr, unless any of y'all are gonna get creepy but don't need to right now] Jimmy: [cockblocked by her outfit and literally nothing else rn] Janis: [not at all frustrating, go get a second drink after a fashion] Jimmy: [doing the MOST so it's not frustrating but that's only more frustrating, oh the struggle] Janis: [clearly getting a stronger drink, like shots, to accompany the pint, that should be the minimum aim of each pub] Jimmy: [love that for you both, get wrecked before church kids] Janis: [oh lawdy shit nan is gonna be fuming, drag you in front of the congregation lolllllllll] Jimmy: [amazing] Janis: [lucky that's what we're going for and she won't for the SHAME of it all but she will be PISSED hence the new years eve dramaaaa] Jimmy: [it's a time for fucking over shitty family members and it all connects honey] Janis: [like these children need more of me and Jesus in their life hello, oh god, anyway, do these shot shot shots] Jimmy: [body shots also cockblocked by the outfit sadly but that's okay these old dudes don't need any more of a show] Janis: [yeah god damn you for wearing clothes for once guys] Jimmy: [when you live together you'll never have to and life will be glorious, hold on lads] Janis: [my boos favourite thing lol] Jimmy: [but for now drink your juice shelby] Janis: ['what did you ask santa for?' 'cos Bobby and Libi had the whole convo] Jimmy: ['to take the dog away in that sack' soz Twix 'you?'] Janis: [shakes her head like oh you 'a date, obviously' and a big sigh like we know how that went] Jimmy: [💔 mime] Janis: ['exactly' like you understand my pain, there's probably so many santa hats in here rn, dramatic shudder like the mems] Jimmy: [does some there there pats even if we have to reach idk how you're sitting now] Janis: ['there's always his elf mates' in a #gals impression 'cos very them idea] Jimmy: [never not gonna do a dramatic shudder of his own at the accuracy of that impression and then checking his phone like have they been summoned] Janis: [assumedly were all at the same party but mia and ella] Jimmy: [while he's on his phone checking in with Cass about the Bobby situation like is he still asleep and how much of a dick is Ian being] Janis: [just chill and check out what everyone else is up to 'cos you can be smug about how lame everything would be in comparison] Jimmy: [I do get why everyone is obsessed with y'all aside from the obvious of how you look cos you do make everything look fun and you always are having it] Janis: [being a teenager is just being really bored a lot of the time 'cos you can't do anything and you don't wanna be with your fam, that's the tea of it, so when you actually find someone you vibe with and have fun with, yeah, a mood] Jimmy: [mhmm, anyway get to pub 2 hens, you can 🚬 on the way cos I doubt they're next door to each other] Janis: [like I imagine there's lots of pubs but not like a street vibe where it's one after the other so do some walking deffo] Jimmy: [I vibe that because there always seems to be out in the country and it's lowkey like how do you all survive but okay] Janis: [drink driving is what people do but shh] Jimmy: [we know y'all will at some point even though you shouldn't] Janis: [remember when and everyone was mad, esp. Tess and she wasn't allowed to stay there lowkey] Jimmy: [we definitely need to bring that back because yes] Janis: [it seems more dramatic now for some reason, probably the Libi of it all?] Jimmy: [I was just about to say, because yeah it's 1100000000% that Libi exists and she's the one member of this fam that Janis fucks with rn] Janis: [bit rude to lowkey keep them apart even though we know it wouldn't be intentional but if you gonna be reckless gal] Jimmy: [we know where Tess be coming from but also where you're coming from JJ] Janis: [will be bringing that back, for sure, but let's not tonight, there's enough drama] Jimmy: [yeah there's loads of cool stuff we've done that we should bring back because I also remember another time she ran away and Jimmy and Cass went on a lil roadtrip to pick her up that was really good too] Janis: [oh I'd forgotten about that but yes, 100%, lots of stuff to consider] Jimmy: [anyways carve the JJ heart on a table in pub 2 boy because we're doing it in every one] Janis: [you simply must, #proof of this night, ty ty, saying this place is trying to do something and getting a Christmassy cocktail, why not mix your drinks lol] Jimmy: [they would and this pub would, I love that, they don't have to be good we know you'll accept the challenge and drink them regardless] Janis: [something spiced and gross down it tbh] Jimmy: [honestly it's probably milky or eggnoggy and NO THANK YOU] Janis: [eww, just like DON'T COME NEAR ME 'cos it was that gross] Jimmy: [but that ensures that he will come after you in a playful manner, probably tickling you or something, don't be sick either of you] Janis: [as if we didn't know, casual playfight of course but don't break anything ty] Jimmy: [this pub should have big jengas because they think they're doing something so you can knock someone's tower over] Janis: [dramaaaa the huns and hispters gonna be fuming at you 2] Jimmy: [but you can play if you want cos we know you're competitive] Janis: [you should, he could get 'injured' boy but not really really just in a funny way 'cos big jenga is lowkey lethal lol] Jimmy: [yeah because then she can have a turn dramatically nursing him for the lols, little do you both know he's gonna get hurt for real #foreshadowing and also they should write inspirational boss bitch huns quotes on the jenga pieces because we know he has a pen] Janis: [role reversal mood, even though that's rude, poor Jimothy, yes, make him sit with his feet up for the moment and get busy with the bants] Jimmy: [get a less disgusting drink and live your best lives for a bit] Janis: [I think you should get kicked out of the next one so yes] Jimmy: [oooooh what a mood] Janis: [as you are literally just 15 so it's not unreasonable to say some pubs and peeps clock it lol] Jimmy: [plus you're never on your best behaviour or subtle in any way lol] Janis: [exactly so you only have to piss off one person who's had it] Jimmy: [so easily done haha] Janis: [and you can exact some revenge fun so yah] Jimmy: [love that for you so much] Janis: [if we're doing 12 pubs like in Hazel's book, plenty of moods to go still] Jimmy: [definitely should and yeah we're talking about the 3rd being the one you get kicked out of so loads left] Jimmy: [you gotta hook up in the toilets of one obviously] Janis: [naturally, you're gonna need to at least mid point lol, maybe Pete could be in one with his mates n gf and you can have a little bro bonding moment that'd be cute] Janis: [karaoke obviously happens in one, probably the last though when we're drunk enough] Jimmy: [OMG yay I love Pete and you we have to start this lifelong bromance somewhere so yes that makes so much sense and I agree that karaoke is a nice way to end it because church will be a v different vibe]] Janis: [some carols are bangers but yes, on the whole haha] Jimmy: [gotta steal something either during this pub crawl or from church or both because that's your thing that you two do] Janis: [#mems so sneaky feelsy love that for you two, hmm is there anything else we can think of that we'd like to make a thing or] Jimmy: [there should be a dog at one of these pubs just chilling because that's also a you two thing] Janis: [so many pics of her with dogs in pubs, seriously lmao, so yeah] Jimmy: [sadly not in that outfit I'm sure] Janis: [we'll see if I can work something] Janis: [one should be truly bumping, like more than the others, so they can lose each other for a hot sec, you should probably both realistically get hit on some] Jimmy: [it is christmas eve it's plausible that at least some of these pubs would be packed] Janis: [it is a ting, and esp. in Ireland not to be stereotypical but it's true] Jimmy: [I hope you're not getting flirted with by any old creepy dudes gal] Janis: [simply the worst, why must they, drunk dudes of any age, god, like you can handle yourself but we're still not thrilled about it obvs, also drunk ladies tbf Jimothy, like gobby shrieky mums put him down] Jimmy: [sends her a picture of him with an ugly coloured lipstick mark on his cheek like sos] Janis: where are you Jimmy: where are you? Janis: I was near the bar, now I'm stuck behind this group of #ladsladslads from the ⚽🏀🏑🎾 shop over the road Janis: who the fuck did that to you? Jimmy: some Sharon, still waiting for my ⚽🏀🏑🎾🤴 Janis: what the fuck Janis: hang on Jimmy: look for a circle of middle aged lasses, that'll be me in the middle Janis: what are they using you like a handbag/pole for Jimmy: I dunno Jimmy: hormones? Janis: didn't think the #mommyissues went both way, dirty bitches 🤢 Jimmy: dead giveaway that you've never worked in retail Jimmy: shameless all these Sharons and Karens Janis: dead giveaway they're not having lesbian midlife crises thank fuck Jimmy: ain't 👀 you yet, Judith Janis: I'm working on it, promise Jimmy: give 'em the smack I ain't allowed to Janis: I'm gonna Janis: 🥊 for a 💋 Jimmy: alright, a 💋 off me for every 🥊 sounds fair an' all Janis: yeah? Jimmy: you'll have to keep count for us Janis: [come find your man and rescue him from these thirsty laydeez, we will fight you hens, but deffo giving the ugly lipstick one a slap] Jimmy: [😍 that aren't a pisstake and obvs kissing her like he said he would] Janis: [we're actually so mad at these gals no lie, walk awayayay before it becomes too much of a thing, at least you can because that kiss would bring you back down slightly] Jimmy: [just asking her if there's any lads he needs to fight before they properly leave which you know is more cos he doesn't want anything bad to happen to her than anything else, we know the bae can handle herself] Janis: [shakes her head but this is 'cos she don't want to lose him again and we're just holding him like nope, stay with me] Jimmy: [a snuggle moment like I'm not going anywhere without you because it's not just because of being flirted with that we didn't like being away from her and we all know it] Janis: [just being couple goals showing these flirters right up, gently rubbing this lippy off him like no no] Jimmy: [putting the antlers on her like this is my bae thank you, everyone else back off, and for the shameless excuse to play with her hair always] Janis: [just pulling the nerdiest face 'not quite jail cell peril but-' like who's ride or die now, zoey doey] Jimmy: [a lol because that deer was honestly the most ride or die ever 'not yet' as if he's correcting her with a * and they're gonna be going full bonnie and clyde as the night goes on] Janis: [just pretending we're well offended like oi, how dare you but we're 😏 like oh really #intrigued too] Jimmy: [just writing a list of potential illegal acts on her with our fingertip as if it's a real list like remember these for later please] Janis: [trying to keep up but obviously not getting all that just like ???] Jimmy: [whisper them instead boy because we're still being couple goals here] Janis: [just add your own have a nice saucy back and forth here] Jimmy: [love that] Janis: [I'm trying to think of a lowkey way to fuck with these women, like pouring a drink in their unattended handbags? gotta be sneaky guys] Jimmy: [ooh good idea, can't go too hard with it, it'd have to be something like that or like emptying it out and leaving their shit everywhere] Janis: [clearly gonna be too hype when you get to this one and you're not getting in] Jimmy: [not in the mood to be turned away, we're on a mission here] Janis: [raging in this car park like how dare] Jimmy: [🚬 because likewise and also 😳 like how dare you know I am but a child] Janis: [oh boy, just like 'you cold?' 'cos dem cheeks] Jimmy: [takes the antlers back like it's my reindeer vibe] Janis: [fixes her hair like UGH so rude 'probably why they turned us away'] Jimmy: [😒 af like don't blame me thank you] Janis: [nudging him with your foot like come on 'there's other pubs'] Jimmy: ['Direct me then' like let's go gal] Janis: [putting your hand out like stop for a sec though 'don't you wanna do something about it?' and not at all shamelessly going into his pocket whilst maintaining eye contact and getting out the marker and going over to a car and drawing a reindeer face on the windscreen 1. it'll come off easy so no harm truly done but 2. the pub peeps could clock it was them and know they've been got back, gesturing like come do some boy] Jimmy: [he's gonna draw a ghost with a santa hat because don't need any encouragement] Janis: [just do all the cars in this car park without getting caught, obvs gonna finish with a JJ heart 'cos duh] Jimmy: [just doing a little hand squeeze like thanks for that when you take the pen back to put it away because you feel better now] Janis: [shrugs like nbd but doing a little smile 'you wanna appease the fans whilst we're here too?'] Jimmy: [a nod like it's likewise nbd but the eye contact is not at all casual] Janis: [likewise getting on the bonnet of the JJ heart car like that's nothing and just looking at him like, you know what to do, #goals photo moment] Jimmy: [taking loads of pictures of her looking hot af before joining her to go in on any lovebites he thinks needs to look more extra for midnight mass #flimsyexcusesforever] Janis: [don't go in too hard and set the alarm off by which I mean do 'cos it's funny and also a cockblock to run] Jimmy: [interrupt this dry humping sesh before you get even more frustrated than you already are by this outfit] Janis: [mistakes were made lmao] Jimmy: [you'll both live] Janis: [you can hook up in #4 if I've kept count right lol] Jimmy: [soz not soz to that pub for how loud he's gonna be] Janis: [I hope you're not a tiny establishment 'cos lol even on a busy night that'd be heard, oh guys] Jimmy: [if you weren't shameless Jimothy we'd have some real problems] Janis: [we all know you are but you gotta have your drinks as well can't keep getting kicked] Jimmy: [yeah maybe don't hook up til you're about to leave here guys LOL] Janis: [got to order before you use the facilities xoxo] Jimmy: [and you pair are exactly why] Janis: [mhmm honey, maybe there will be a Christmas quiz or tombola or something at one of these pubs you can crash] Jimmy: [so festive but also believably shit, love that] Janis: [win some kind of prize ty ty] Jimmy: [you gotta and you're not having it shit nan cos we're not pleased to meet you hun] Janis: [even though it's probably something a nan would want 'cos isn't it always god bless] Jimmy: [give it to Tess cos she's not that kind of nan so that'll be funny] Janis: [not that you have to endure mass thank god] Jimmy: [challenge of keeping hold of whatever this is for the rest of the night and not losing it] Janis: [truly, probably some kind of bath set or shit biscuit tin] Jimmy: [don't eat the biscuits Jimmy you fat bastard] Janis: [gives you a half-eaten tin of biscuits, Tess fuming] Jimmy: [it's the thought that counts, nan] Janis: [such a 😎 boy lollllllll] Janis: [do you want to skip to having to go to mass?] Jimmy: [we totally can because we've thought of a lot of shit for this pub crawl honestly] Janis: [we have, very much a vibe was had, now you've got to show up to this church and we're just dreading this entire thing, it'll probably be a fair walk and we're just silent] Jimmy: [handholding cos we know she's dreading it and we're a team here] Janis: [god knows Junie isn't gonna be there 'cos the Venus sitch was this year so it's just ruster fam and you and grace so fun] Jimmy: [ugh what an anti-mood this will be, so glad you've had loads of drinks to help you through it guys] Janis: [billie simply not invited even though drew and meena would have to be there #rude oh what a mess, good thing we're dedicated to making a scene] Jimmy: [not that she would go but that's very rude, though it is a relief for us that paralysed sister secret isn't being outed as well since Libi already spilt the Edie tea] Janis: [drew might actually be in prison, but astrid and ro can come through, a joy, I'm sure lmao, we don't wanna get into ANY of this, god shit nan is gonna be so embarrassing over Jimmy 'cos she's a hoe for a boy, any boy lmao] Jimmy: [another reason for shit nan to shade Grace because she's never brought a boy to mass as if Janis isn't there deliberately doing everything wrong, okay bitch] Janis: [literally like where's ya boyfriend, shh shit nan so rude, it's okay she'd shade Meena for not forcing the kids and Tommy to come, as if these kids were raised remotely Christian] Jimmy: [they are hindus babe get on board, shading everyone's outfits as well obvs regardless of how inoffensive they are] Janis: [wearing the biggest most extra hat in the world like pop off, she's like a cartoon she's so ridiculous, probably gonna cry dramatically over her sons not being here for Christmas what a performance] Jimmy: [seriously it's as funny as it is awful] Janis: [we wouldn't blame you for being amused Jimothy, like we would be but not like we're on your side shit nan just like wtf woman] Jimmy: [he'll be too busy trying not to die because of the incense getting him but I'm sure we'll find parts of it amusing to look back on] Janis: [it's apparently gross I've never been to a Catholic ting so can't fully say but I know they waft it about in that swingy thing, you also bless yourself with holy water when you come in the door so there's that] Jimmy: [he will flick holy water at you bae] Janis: [pretending we're melting because we don't care #churchbants] Jimmy: [now is the perfect time for one of your dramatic death scenes, boy, everyone's just horrified] Janis: [just so 😍 as we pick him up off the floor lmao, tryna make sure he's sat nowhere near Rio, even though she's probably trying to be polite and introduce herself and the gang we're like good day] Jimmy: [sit next to Grace jimothy, she won't talk to you excessively and you already know she's embarrassing] Janis: [shit nan gon' be too busy being a busybody so that's something] Jimmy: [will put his head on the bae's shoulder like we do whenever we're bored by a flatwhite function before church has even started as much for the shade as a variation on the feelsy lean like I'm here for you gal] Janis: [at least you can text under your pamphlets 'cos rude and is the goal, as well as the rest, but leaning into this lean too and writing 'soz' on his arm] Jimmy: [and you have signing for shading people now and later because none of y'all would know any, putting a line through where she wrote her sorry like no you don't need to be] Janis: [a look like, it ain't over yet] Jimmy: [a look like I can handle it] Janis: [😏 like challenge accepted] Jimmy: [is sneezing already though probably how adorable] Jimmy: 😈 coming out Jimmy: bit awkward Janis: [loling] Janis: it's grim, ain't it Janis: jesus was a stoner, who knew Jimmy: worse even than ☕ Jimmy: 🤞 jesus won't @ my manager Jimmy: [pretends like he's gonna wipe his nose on her jacket cos I vaguely remember a furry one with her lewk] Janis: you don't need MORE competition, like Janis: [yeah, it's probably graces so you can be offended gal like 'scuse me] Jimmy: imagine the tips that dickhead would get Jimmy: SO on brand for them, him Janis: gonna put a help wanted ad in the collection plate for him Jimmy: don't how famous your dad is mate, fill in an application like every fucker else, tah Janis: that's his whole thing, sickening, tbh Jimmy: and OBVS every time he name drops it'll make the lasses frothier than their ☕ but still Jimmy: what's your CV without the miracles? Janis: you should be happy, not jealous Jimmy: can't be a slag for tips if nobody's bothered Jimmy: is he gonna feed me 🥖 and 🐟 or what? Janis: have to come back to find that out Janis: (spoiler alert, yeah, some 🍷 too) Janis: just covering his miraculous birth tonight, like Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: [is gonna carve the JJ love heart into this pew, look away shit nan your heart won't take it] Janis: [we're about it though obvs] Jimmy: You going home after this? Janis: where else? Jimmy: where else do you want to? Jimmy: already nicked one car, can make it 2, easy Janis: oh right Janis: we have to get you home Janis: [mad on the low like this part of the plan escaped us how] Jimmy: can't 📞 Ian for a lift, might do though so he realises his car's gone Jimmy: but you're alright, I'll chuck doll jesus out of his straw bed Janis: we'll work it out Janis: not that an actual lift from any of this lot sounds like a right laugh but Janis: [shrugs like they obvs would] Jimmy: I'll just shout about that I need somewhere to😴 some dickhead'll put me up in a barn Jimmy: nowt more festive than that Janis: if only you were a knocked up teen Jimmy: 💔 fucked over by being a straight white lad YET AGAIN Janis: tell my nan about it and she'd adopt you Janis: it's not that far to yours Janis: got vehicles you wouldn't have to steal, technically Jimmy: not having her round the other 2 unless healing hands actually work Jimmy: happily have her car though Janis: [looks around at the fam like does it look like it works] Janis: 👍 Jimmy: [we loling not soz to the hot priest] Janis: [shushing him in an even more obvious way as is the point like omg babe] Jimmy: [being like soz and making it even more of a thing as is also the point] Janis: [shit nan already in a mood 'cos there's 2 small children here and we know what that's like whenever you're meant to be quiet, at least she can pretend that's cute] Janis: tomorrow is gonna be so shit Jimmy: yeah Janis: least you can actually join in with the shit Bobby wanted Janis: that'll be alright Jimmy: he'll wanna compare 🎁 with his new best mate, get her 📞 Janis: baby 💔 Janis: you can let him Janis: she'll be gutted about the lack of attention she's getting as it's princesses' first xmas Janis: [side eyes baby venus] Jimmy: what are you and her doing the day after? Jimmy: might be a good shout to get them together Janis: I'll ask but it's usually more of the same, so fuck all Janis: with leftovers Jimmy: sounds about right Janis: they'd love it Jimmy: 💔 there weren't any reindeer in your fields I could nick an' all Jimmy: he's obsessed now Janis: soz about that Janis: we've got some donkeys but that's not very 💖 Janis: if they'd have spiced up the nativity he might be bothered but as it stands Jimmy: I'll do one out of snow when I get back Janis: alright, michaelangelo Jimmy: [nods at the heart he's carved into this pew like you weren't taking the piss then] Janis: you're my favourite artist Janis: SUCH a compliment Jimmy: [giving her OTT 😍 to hide that we're embarrassed by said compliment] Jimmy: all down to the muse, that Janis: I probably will be taking the blame for that so why not the glory too Jimmy: there you go then Jimmy: 🥇 Janis: you can come back with me for a bit Janis: for drinks and shit Janis: sadly, shit nan does not attend 💔 Janis: but there'll be loads of other fuckers, if you wanna Jimmy: alright Janis: you don't have to Janis: she'll make sure EVERYONE knows Jimmy: I said alright Janis: ALRIGHT Jimmy: [IRL 🤫 without making the shh sound] Janis: [mouthing 'make me' in a way definitely a few people are gonna clock] Jimmy: [A LOOK like I'd rather make you do the opposite] Janis: [you know what hit me like kinda obvious but also hasn't been stated so] Janis: [shit nan is probably HERE for this, aside from when they're pissing about rn, she'd be like oh you dressed like a girl for once and brought a boy you aren't related to, like accidental fail 'cos shit nan has weird priorities l o l] Jimmy: [OG supporter and spreader of those gay rumours like not another one on my watch honey] Janis: [just banging on about how they never bring boys around like yeah this is why but also mind yo business, she's so extra, and she'd just think jimothy was shy and be like aww] Jimmy: [when you antisocial but people think you shy, their future daughter can relate] Janis: [mhmm] Janis: is the incense making you feel 😵? Jimmy: If I say it is can we piss off? Jimmy: [because yes but we don't wanna admit it because we're so tough okay] Janis: is what I was getting at Janis: ['cos we're done with this and leaving early is the only sure-fire way to annoy shit nan at this point plus what a LOOK, so grabbing his hand like he's about to vom like 'SCUSE US WE GOTTA GO RN] Jimmy: hang on then, I'll have another crack at it Jimmy: *SO 😵😵😵 me Jimmy: have a word Jimmy: [and we're out of here, bye but we're not actually saying bye fam] Janis: [actually making him get some fresh air before we start smoking or anything of the sort] Jimmy: [allowing it because it did actually get him] Janis: [cold air sobering in all the ways it's needed right now] Jimmy: [mhmm] Jimmy: [asking her if she's okay by writing it on her with a ? when we could just ask because we're outside now] Janis: [shrugs 'used to it' we talking 'bout the smoke or everything else hen] Jimmy: [offering her a 🚬 or the pen or keys like choose your weapon for killing yourself with] Janis: ['too obvious if her car gets keyed' and takes a 🚬 but makes a big deal out of getting far away from him like you're so sensitive] Jimmy: [throws some snow at her like if you're gonna be rude so will I] Janis: [tipsy snowball fight realness] Jimmy: [gonna do snow angels because where better than outside church RIP to Grace's jacket if she joins in lol] Janis: [obviously we are, excuse us] Jimmy: [get art hoey and make them look like JJ boy] Janis: [that's a mood] Jimmy: [lots of hair for her and sunglasses and grumpy face for you, we know the vibe] Janis: ['thanks, by the way'] Jimmy: [a shrug like don't worry about it] Janis: [having to look at him to look like, seriously, I know they're all extra and that was a lot] Jimmy: [when you were gonna touch her face/move her hair out of it in a romantic way like seriously it's okay but your hands are freezing from doing the snow angel details so it's like ! oh no soz] Janis: [move them down so they're around your waist under this furry coat like warm them up boy but usually that'd be skin to skin contact so you're gutted 'stupid, fucking jumpsuit'] Jimmy: [holding on tight anyway and pulling her closer to you because always but eventually letting go for long enough to put your lighter in her hand  'for in a bit' like you can set this on fire later babe that'll cheer you] Janis: [just looking at it like it's a ring in a box 'this is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me' love joking but double meaning means lowkey not really] Jimmy: [looking at it and getting the key out like can I engrave something onto this would it work because we can always be more romantic] Janis: [I'm dying 'cos the actual gift she got you for xmas is literally very related to this so that's swagger] Jimmy: [cackling that we both had the Shakespearian rose idea and also because my idea for what he gives her that I obvs can't do because I'd never find anything like it is a swag copy of romeo and juliet you know when they have nice covers and he's like doodled inside and crossed lines out to rewrite them and like written a sonnet etc and then like at some bit of the play they don't fuck with probably the beginning when Romeo is a hoe like carving a space out which she could fit said lighter in but obvs he didn't have that specifically in mind he was just like lol a secret hiding place cos remember how easy they found Ella's diary] Janis: [I'm dying that's such a mood, like okay, pretending we aren't even friends or something LOL] Jimmy: [gonna say that there is also some Bobby doodles in there too because yolo we a squad now and if he'd had chance to get Libi to add to it he would've but sadly there was no way] Janis: [simply dying, if only you could spend tomorrow with each other alas gotta entertain the fam literally this one day a year] Jimmy: [I'm so happy you're gonna see each other though even though you don't know yet] Janis: [like the lowkey shock you're gonna have to hide rn so you don't spoil the surprise for him tomorrow, ugh, your minds, our minds] Jimmy: [at least he'd be concentrating on carving this rose with a literal key trying to make sure it doesn't look like a blob so that'll help you gal] Janis: [oscar-worthy performance lol] Jimmy: [and you can just kiss him if all else fails] Janis: [also I think this midnight mass should've been 11-12 so when they hear the finale going on inside they know it's xmas, v cinematic] Jimmy: [yasss I support that, obvs say merry christmas to her boy even though you're forlorn at the prospect of and dreading it] Janis: [practically loling at the prospect 'cos likewise but kissing him back] Jimmy: [have your moment kids before everyone comes out of this church] Janis: [clearly wanna fuck off before any of the fam can see you like byeee] Jimmy: [escape lads] Janis: [or lifts will be offered and lord knows you don't want that, you wanna be alone and cute] Jimmy: [we all know you should go home now and get some sleep before Bobby wakes up ridiculously early but we all know you won't and the reasons why] Janis: [at least it's a very ali/fam in general vibe that there's drinks and party food going on so you can and it doesn't look like what it clearly is] Jimmy: [enjoy your walk back there alone before you have to deal with peeps again] Janis: [at least it doesn't need to be literally everyone, and a fair amount of you have kids you'd need to be home for, too bad Libi is probably asleep even if she tried really hard lol] Jimmy: [she could wake up when she hears everyone if we want that lil mvp in our lives] Janis: [just peeping down the stairs tryna be sneaky then she sees Jimmy and is like MY BFFS ARE HERE 'cos thinks they come as a duo at all times obvs] Jimmy: [she's not wrong about it and he will pick you up and spin you round lil queen cos we stan] Janis: [we love that, directing him to the tree like BUT 👏 HAS 👏 HE 👏 BEEN 👏 and deffo not babe the adults are still getting pissed but god bless you] Jimmy: [but jj should give her something they've picked up over the course of this wild night like there you go bab] Janis: [we're thrilled, also like is your dog asleep, my dog's asleep 'cos Killer cannot come to this cat castle sadly but she's got Star under her arm like hey] Jimmy: [telling her that Twix, Bobby and Snow are all asleep but also telling her she can record a voice memo for them if she wants so they'll get in when they wake up] Janis: [probably screaming MERRY CHRISTMAS such is our excitement then being like I hope you got xyz from his list that she's managed to remember well done bab then being like I'm up SOOOO late little brag like imma catch Santa and see if this one knows signing and has a real beard] Jimmy: [Jimothy is gonna teach you some more signing bab cos lbr the only other person he wants to talk to here is Janis so we're chuffed you're here] Janis: [at least mcvickers are not so strict they're gonna march you back to bed right away, you may as well stay up a bit now you are so you don't wake everyone at the crack of dawn like I did lol] Jimmy: [and like Bobby will do, there's gonna be no point Jimothy going to bed lol] Janis: [honestly, all nighter it is, at least once the meal is over and the drama you can be back together huns don't worry, also lol @ mcvickers being like oh you again 'cos when Libi ran in lmao] Jimmy: [Tess has her eye on you boy but she'd be secretly thrilled to see how good you are with Libi, not in a cringey shit nan way but just] Janis: [you're clearly not a total fuckboy of a teenage lad, we can be lowkey happy about that always lol, meanwhile just securing the good scran for us right now whilst Libi probably talks Jimmy through every dec and they're probably mostly homemade by the kids so like enjoy that] Jimmy: [Poor Grace is probably crying and angsting in her room about whatever shit nan said and did to her so there'll be enough food for you boy] Janis: [honestly poor Grace like we just made it worse for you accidentally, shit nan stirring the pot always] Jimmy: [I like to think Ali is coming through for you because she knows exactly what shit nan is like] Janis: [we aren't the type to be too busy hosting or whatever to not notice when our kids are upset, thankfully] Jimmy: [she's a good mum and like Tess and Janis she always notices things so] Jimmy: [the question we need to ask ourselves is about Billie's whereabouts because if she's there then obvs Jimothy isn't gonna be like gimme the tea but like he will know now] Janis: [she's gonna be about 18 so yes, she's almost definitely there, even if she was out earlier it's like late enough that she'd be back] Jimmy: [literally rolling up with whatever mates she was out with like LOL how was church everyone because we all hate shit nan in this house] Janis: [Janis really going in on how shit she was to everyone and doing an impression which we're clearly just great at tbh, also overplay how scared poor hot priest is] Jimmy: [she'd love it and you know she'd be commenting on Janis' outfit being like bet she was so down for you being dressed like that because she's been shaded herself for being dressed like a boy clearly] Janis: ['surprised she didn't have it off me to borrow' like who does shit nan think she is honestly, kind of iconic but not, also shading Ro 'cos we all love to do that in this household too, especially after the Rio ting even Ali ain't gonna stop you] Jimmy: [Billie do HATE Ro because she loves Astrid and we know she's not doing the best for that bub so obvs asking how she was because bringing her to church when she's autistic af and you can't deal with her anywhere is never gonna be the one tbh] Janis: ['lucky she had her wrapped up tight enough she could hide in her scarf' 'cos the smells, the sounds, the sights, TOO MUCH 'she liked the nativity scene though' hot priest being cool and letting her play in it 'cos lord knows Ro doesn't have the strength to control her literal it's so dangerous] Jimmy: [Billie do be fuming because you know full well that Ro wouldn't let her look after her as if she's incapable when POT KETTLE] Janis: [mhmm, rosaline, get in your own wheelchair you're at death's door you cow, just shrugging like I know and telling her about Meena 'cos always coming for her life as well shit nan like 'you could've at least brought Thomas and his REAL children' like you'll leave the adopted ones at home OKAY HUN] Jimmy: [Billie LIVID because she's not Ali's REAL child but she is though, fuck you shit nan, thank god Jimmy is busy with Libi cos he don't need all this tea in his life yet] Janis: [also the hypocrisy 'cos Drew and Meena aren't your real children either but are when it suits you silly woman, honestly, lowkey then just hoping Billie will get distracted and not wanna be introduced to him lmao, like who's dis, idk, bring him his food and Libi the bits you've sneakily brought her 'cos you're meant to be ready for bed not nomming again] Jimmy: [luckily she'd be drunk-ish and have brought friends so easy to distract because we don't need to do that rn gal, so much has already happened this holiday season] Janis: [seems lowkey shady on both your behalfs like am I not good enough to be intro'd but we're not trying to be like and here's this person and that person and make it too #real] Jimmy: [this party has a chill vibe and she's a chill person she's not gonna pull a Rio and be like MUST INTRODUCE SELF we all know Janis has never brought a lad back before and we're not trying to embarrass her] Janis: [exactly, it's already happened once, almost as a point like YOU CANNOT IGNORE ME JANIS lmao, just telling Libi to go get the kennel they made Snow out of a cereal box or something to show Jimmy so she'll actually leave him be for a hot sec, squeezing his hand like alright?] Jimmy: [just smiling at her because actually has had a nice time with Libi even though it would have made him feel bad for not being at home with Bobby rn and leaving him earlier, like boy it's okay he's a sleep but he always feels guilty regardless] Janis: [#mumguilt because we're raising our brother, so rude, just smiling back like thank god this isn't going as bad 'wanna show off how crafty I am too, obvs' in reference to this kennel like such an #arthoe] Jimmy: [waves a picture of that sheep costume on his phone at her like girl I know] Janis: [😏 and stroking the lighter than is in our hand 'cos obvs taken the jacket off and there's no way there's pockets on that thing lol] Jimmy: [pulling her chair as close to his chair as he can because we just always wanna be closer to her all the time and something falling off her plate when he do so we're keeping that for Star to eat when Libi gets back as if she's a real dog] Janis: [😳 that we can pretend is just from coming inside to the warm] Jimmy: [also taking whatever fell off her plate and she lost off his so she can have it but why give it to her normally when you can feed it to her/put it in her mouth because you're that bitch] Janis: [just LOOKING at him like, there has not been enough alone time today remotely] Jimmy: [obvs LOOKING back but before he can suggest they go get her out of that outfit Libi is back so we gonna look at this kennel and feed Star and that whole thing] Janis: [gotta do some parenting, cockblocked, at least you'll be getting sleepy and made to go back to bed soon enough hun you ain't partying the whole night away] Jimmy: [they can be the ones to take her though cos then they'll be upstairs already and won't have far to go to her room to finally be alone for a bit] Janis: [and you are that bitch, like no no, I want THEM to do it #princesslife sure you have some story that you can be read either about Christmas or dogs] Jimmy: [if not they'll make one up for you, Jimothy is 10000% that bitch] Janis: [Star and Snow going on an epic adventure, love that for them] Jimmy: [I hope you remember it so you can tell it to Bobby tomorrow night or whenever] Janis: [do your best, drunk babes] Jimmy: [you're not totally wasted like you were when partying, you should remember most of this stuff] Jimmy: [especially the joy when that jumpsuit finally comes off for good] Janis: [yeah, no excuse of being blasted this time] Janis: [it's also glittery, so that's scratchy, simply not a vibe apart from the lewk of, you can break it if you want guys] Jimmy: [that's a saucy mood] Janis: [you have form and you're both frustrated af by now] Jimmy: [fun as hooking up in that pub toilet would have been, that would feel like forever ago and it's not the same vibe as when you can take your time and be as extra as you want] Janis: [should also note hi to her house and bedroom this convo, not that we're taking it in but just for reference later] Jimmy: [yeah he's very preoccupied rn and there has been a lot of peeps and stuff going on but you can't not notice Ali's vibe and all the cats and the contrast between that and her bare as hell room will be jarring when you realise] Janis: [pretend we do not see, more important things to do rn lads] Jimmy: [we're very in love tonight and it cannot be overstated how much of a cockblock that outfit was when the bae always be giving you so much skin to work with usually] Janis: [not your usual at all, we're all mad about it and making up for it now, excuse us] Jimmy: [enjoy that lads, we know you will] Janis: [soz to the people upstairs, aka Grace, put your headphones in gal] Jimmy: [hopefully Ali has gone so we can say she has] Janis: [or she will if you two start, don't need that in any of our lives lol] Jimmy: [Grace is having a shit enough night without hearing you two] Janis: [when you know he lowkey has to leave now and you don't want him to] Jimmy: [and he knows and doesn't wanna leave either so it's like let's just keep kissing forever and prolong this and pretend I don't] Janis: ['how hard do you think your dad is gonna flip shit?' when we're lowkey worried but doing the most to sound like we ain't and we're just curious here] Jimmy: [just shrugging because we know exactly but we're not gonna answer honestly and the point is it's supposed to be nbd and we don't care but also then doing a 🤞 and an impression of Bobby's impression of angry Ian because Ian flipping out is what we wanted and we obvs hope it's enough for us to go back up north] Janis: ['his was better' and patting his shoulders like there there 'christmas miracle, I guess' and crosses her fingers back, getting up to find clothes to throw on] Jimmy: ['should've done the sound effects' cos obvs Bobby doesn't on his cos can't hear Ian shouting and is mute, chucking a pillow at her like oi cos we don't want her to get up because that means he has to leave soon and no] Janis: ['have to settle for second for now' and shrugs like oh well, and just looking back like 'scuse me when he throws the pillow] Jimmy: [just picking her up because he hasn't all night and chucking her back on this bed like 1. I won't accept second thank you and 2. come back] Janis: [just like oi and 😒 at him like what you want] Jimmy: [tucking her in like stay put gal] Janis: ['you've got to go' like he was the one getting ready] Jimmy: [dramatically flopping down next to her like I can't possibly I'm so comfortable] Janis: [pushing him like you're gonna pushing him out the bed but obviously don't] Jimmy: [push her back but again not hard] Janis: ['how are you getting back?' and folding our arms] Jimmy: [a very helpful shrug] Janis: ['what's wrong?'] Jimmy: [when you're about to say nothing but that's such a lie that it feels pointless so you're just there like 👀 and then 'you said it' because she did when she said he had to go that's the entire issue here] Janis: [just silent for a while 'cos what can either of you do about that 'yeah'] Jimmy: [just getting ready to go because what else can you do boy] Janis: [getting up and stopping him like ! 'don't go' even though you know he's got to right now 'cos you're thinking about if the plan works and they go back to Manchester] Jimmy: [hugging her because you don't want to go and saying as much even though it's muffled and also obvious lol] Janis: ['it'll be more shit again when you do' from inside this hug] Jimmy: [hugging her tighter because true for you too] Janis: [breaking it apart like that's enough now] Jimmy: [dramatically kiss her before getting ready to go for a second time] Janis: [do you want him to walk/or does he want a lift? 'cos obvs she wouldn't make him go with whoever alone so that adds another bit if so] Jimmy: [he'll probably just walk even though it'll take ages because we're in no rush to get back] Jimmy: [unless she's like no get a lift you idiot and then he will because we're a pushover for the bae] Janis: [we'd know that's the vibe and thus wouldn't argue, like we might wanna go with but what is the point 'cos then he'll wanna walk you back and it'll be a farce lmao] Jimmy: [you can chat to him to make sure he's still alive if you want gal but you can't come with or you'll end up staying and the fam will be fuming] Janis: [*angrily comes to pick you up* got to be folorn and separate soz guys it won't be for long] Janis: don't turn into a ⛄ Jimmy: use your head, girl, it'd save me building our kid's reindeer Janis: could Jack Frost your dad Janis: he melts away at the end, yeah? Jimmy: I dunno that one Janis: I think it's depressing so won't recc it for your Christmas day watch Jimmy: sounds like a top pick for us, that Janis: play with your dead dad for the winter then take him up a mountain when he starts to melt, still melts though Jimmy: I googled it, he's what they invented my 😎 emoji for Jimmy: rock star dickhead Janis: and he was batman Janis: you're so outshined Jimmy: 😭💔🎻 Jimmy: piss off and fake marry him if you love him that bad, Jasmine Janis: question, if the harmonica was magic, could he see him every winter from then on Janis: and how many winters before the kid is like, let's just skip that whole charade this year Jimmy: depends how many bollocks sequels they were reckoning on doing when they wrote that bit Jimmy: how old were the kid? by the time he's 12 he'll be telling batdad to piss off Janis: I swear he was already that old Janis: one time deal and we accidentally break that harmonica Jimmy: gutted it ain't that easy to be rid of Ian Jimmy: but promise I'll melt when you're #overthis Jimmy: no need for a fake break up Janis: yeah right Janis: you're no Jack Jimmy: 😱😱😱 Janis: 😭💔🎻 is mutual Jimmy: will be when this is the last you see of me Janis: shut up Jimmy: if that's what you want your last words to me to be Janis: if you were freezing to death/getting murdered/a combo of the two, you wouldn't have the time to be pissing about in the 💬 Jimmy: always have the time for you, baby Jimmy: fine with them being my last words Janis: an empty promise? Jimmy: there's nowt empty about it Janis: it's empty if you're fucking off and dying Janis: the ⏲ running Jimmy: what 'cause 💀💀💀 is gonna separate us? Bill won't be having that Jimmy: 👻💕 Janis: he does write it Jimmy: and his writing were heavily ❌ which you know he's FUMING ABOUT Janis: heavily plagiarized, so I've heard Jimmy: 🤫 he'll haunt you Janis: that's what he wants Jimmy: he might do but you don't need to be nicking my mates Janis: you've got a new one Jimmy: ? Janis: your barista buddy Janis: with the 🎄 foliage Jimmy: piss off, he's not my mate Janis: alright Janis: boyfriend Jimmy: if I had him, I wouldn't need to fake date you Janis: 1. rude 2. we're all gutted he's taken don't take it out on me Jimmy: I don't fuck my co-workers, his missus or how 💔 any dickhead is don't come into it Janis: alright Janis: obviously a pisstake but well impressive how noble you are Jimmy: @iantaylor8 for being a 🏆 cautionary tale Jimmy: if nowt else he's useless for what not to bother doing Jimmy: *useful [watch me write the literal opposite word to what I meant because I'm tired and you usually are useless sir] Janis: I don't think he'd mind a cheeky bum squeeze Jimmy: depends who off of Janis: not your dad, obvs Jimmy: 🤢 obvs dickhead Jimmy: your 🧠 is only on the 1 track at the minute Janis: I'm trying to keep you company dickhead Janis: you wanna talk about how cold and dark it is? Jimmy: why are them your options? Janis: I'm just talking Janis: why do you wanna talk about something specific or? Jimmy: what kind of question is that? Janis: what do you mean, it's simple Janis: you've either got something in mind or you ain't Jimmy: what's simpler than saying something if there were owt on my 🧠 Janis: you're known for that Jimmy: and you're known for being funny Janis: if 'piss off' is on your mind, hurry up and get it off the tip of your tongue Jimmy: What so you can put some more words there? You're alright Janis: I haven't said you said shit Jimmy: not THAT thick and you ain't that subtle Janis: ? Jimmy: just call me a mardy prick or owt else you reckon Jimmy: that's where this is going Janis: you're being weird, that's where this is Jimmy: it weren't me who brought up the mates or boyfriends I should have Janis: it was a joke, not going to say that again Janis: and I'm surrounded by both, aren't I? Janis: gonna open myself up for that easy shot Jimmy: no need to beg me to repeat how funny it were Jimmy: 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 Janis: forget it Janis: just tell me when you've got home Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: [literally a hot second later because Jimothy don't wanna leave it like this ever] Jimmy: fuck this, no Jimmy: I don't wanna just tell you when I'm back Janis: stop being a total arsehole then Janis: I know you don't wanna go home right now Jimmy: I'll leave it out Jimmy: it's just Jimmy: weird Janis: why? Jimmy: What do you mean why? You properly turned christmas eve round Jimmy: I'm used to it being shit but not this Jimmy: and it's doing my head in that I can't see you tomorrow Janis: we could Janis: still allowed 🚬 breaks, right? Janis: once the main events 🎁🦃 are out the way Jimmy: bit far to come to nick all my 🚬 Janis: someone has to walk Killer Jimmy: alright Janis: if you want Jimmy: I said Jimmy: it's if you want Janis: I suggested it Jimmy: there you go then Janis: you're so awkward Jimmy: how am I? Janis: you just are Jimmy: if you ain't got any #receipts hun, don't come for me Janis: 😂 Janis: eurgh Jimmy: 💅🤷 Janis: wonder how their xmas eve went Jimmy: 💀👑 probably started opening her 🎁s at midnight Jimmy: still cracking on Jimmy: 💎💰🐴💄👜👠💰👗💎 Janis: I'm SO jealous Jimmy: me an' all, obvs Jimmy: but she can keep the new 🐩 Janis: Christ Janis: I swear to GOD if my sister has got that baby a fucking puppy Jimmy: 💭 of the 🐕🏃💰 Jimmy: 💪🏆🥇 trainer, you Janis: I wouldn't if they paid double Jimmy: we'll @ Mia's daddy to negotiate the rates Janis: hot Janis: can't wait Jimmy: the ONLY christmas gift worth having, I get it Janis: Obviously Janis: the 💔 would finally off her Jimmy: 👍✔ Janis: you can hit him up Janis: not calling dibs Jimmy: He's SO fit and mysterious I dunno which of us is more his type 🤔❗❓ Janis: you're thicker Janis: could be his secretary Jimmy: hang on, are you calling me fat or Asia? Janis: Honey, you're both 😘 Jimmy: 😍 Jimmy: I'm tiktok Tammy Janis: You really are Janis: I know who I am, we don't need to say Jimmy: SO complimentary after midnight, you Janis: wow, Gremlin is a new low Janis: you're as rude as ever Jimmy: come on, you can be the cute ginger one Janis: you're the fattest one Jimmy: least you didn't say I were the dickhead lad Janis: not actually seen 'em, tbh Janis: if the shoe fits Jimmy: I'll suggest it for our sleepover with 💀👑 and her gremlins Janis: such a shame we never got that Jimmy: I'll make it happen for you, my dear Janis: gotta desecrate all her beds or what's the point Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt Janis: 💪🏆 Janis: how long can I get away with lying in tomorrow do you reckon Jimmy: @ Libi with them Q&As Janis: 😩😩 Jimmy: baby Jimmy: [🥺 selfie] Janis: it's rude that you're so fit even in flash lighting Janis: dickhead Jimmy: you could let me have it Jimmy: how fit you are Janis: but Jimmy: ? Janis: I don't wanna miss you Jimmy: don't, I'm here 👋💕 Janis: 😏 Jimmy: I meant what I said Jimmy: tonight were good Jimmy: I don't want it to be done for ages Janis: alright Jimmy: [sends her a 👍 pic like a nerd] Janis: we'll do something 🥊 day Janis: even if my nan says no to Libi coming, yeah Jimmy: she'll be 💔 but yeah Janis: yeah, 🤞 Jimmy: if Libi knew she'd have a word with 🎅 probably 🥊 him Janis: see if I can convince Buster to put on the beard and let her go for it Jimmy: get your shit nan to grow hers out Janis: 😶 Janis: and you were SUCH a nice boy Jimmy: should've said you wanted me to 🥊 her Jimmy: did owe you after that Sharon 💋 Janis: there'll be other chances Janis: not the only one who attracts people having mid-life crises Jimmy: we have SO MUCH in common Jimmy: I'll 🥊 Lucas for you whenever Janis: 🥰🥰🥰 Jimmy: his is an end of life crisis but Janis: 🔪🔪🔪? Janis: 😳 Jimmy: I were on about him being 👴 Jimmy: but obvs I'll stab him if you want Janis: we can do it together Janis: bit more macbeth but Bill should still be alright with it Jimmy: #datenight Jimmy: that'll be SO romantic Janis: 💋🩸 Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Janis: how cold are your fingers? Jimmy: as a come on goes Jimmy: well creative Janis: it would be if you weren't (hopefully) nearly home Jimmy: I ain't the athlete you are, Jenna Janis: Oh, babes Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Janis: gonna have to train you too? Janis: what a #humblebrag Jimmy: depends what treats you've got Janis: what was it Janis: pies, pints and ...? Jimmy: 🥔 DUH Jimmy: but I'll have 🚬 off you an' all once I get another lighter Janis: well that explains it Janis: sensitive subject Jimmy: said you'd be calling me a mardy prick Janis: I was talking about the famine Janis: you've got a lot to learn, boy Jimmy: go on then 🤓 Janis: you want a history lesson, you're the 🤓 Jimmy: if you ain't up to teaching me something, I'll take it back Janis: psh Janis: didn't say that Jimmy: so go on Janis: [a rundown I ain't gonna give lmao] Jimmy: 🏆 Janis: um, give me more 👏🌹 dickhead Janis: that was EFFORT Jimmy: *🥇 Jimmy: alright? Janis: it'll do Jimmy: what more do you want? Janis: I said it'd do Janis: 😇 Jimmy: but Jimmy: effort for effort, like Janis: You need to get some sleep Janis: we can talk about effort tomorrow Jimmy: I've got a snow reindeer to build Janis: you're gonna be knackered Jimmy: used to that an' all 👴🎻 Janis: 🚬 break will make it better, promise Jimmy: I miss you Janis: you'll think of me when you make your Rudolph sculpture Jimmy: got any 💡🥇 for how to make his nose glow? Janis: 🤔 Janis: except for making him blush, not really Janis: can't use any 💡 or 🔥 Jimmy: reckon he's gonna be more of a challenge to get 😳 than you Janis: that's funny Janis: not how I 💭 it being Jimmy: bit weird that Jimmy: 'cause it's how it were Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: Oi Janis: what Jimmy: 🙄 is what Janis: it's better than 😳 Jimmy: 😳 suits you Janis: maybe it suits you too Jimmy: does it? Janis: yeah Janis: a lot Jimmy: [a lil 😳 vid while he's doing this snow reindeer is he just cold, we all know the answer] Jimmy: 🎁 Janis: oh Jimmy: you gonna give me one back or what? Janis: a competition to see who can 😳 the most isn't one I wanted 🥇 for but Janis: [obvs does, obvs cute and dying] Jimmy: you can have it though Janis: rather you came back Janis: but I'll take it Jimmy: 🏃 Janis: should've let you stay longer Janis: SO hard being SUCH a good person Jimmy: all that dickhead 🎅's fault Jimmy: having a list Jimmy: SUCH a tory Janis: massive tory Janis: no prezzies for poor kids Janis: lump of coal to rub it in Jimmy: he's about as subtle as my dad, funny that Jimmy: ALMOST like they might be the same bloke Jimmy: with an identical fetish for the mines Janis: 😱🤢😵 Janis: keep that to yourself before you ruin anyone else's Christmas Janis: explains how he's always working Jimmy: !!!🤯 Jimmy: send tweet to everyone but our kid and Libi Janis: you're good with her Jimmy: ain't much of a job to piss about with her Jimmy: she's alright Janis: you should takeover Gracie's gig instead Janis: swapsies Jimmy: Ian should just pay me but won't hold my breath Jimmy: not with these lungs Janis: suppose he pays you with the roof over your head and that's the excuse for everything 🙄 Janis: know the sort Jimmy: can't forget hot water, food, clothes on my back, be a right pisstake Janis: of course Janis: where is his 🥇 Jimmy: he really did reckon he deserved one for the 🐕 Jimmy: 🎻💔😭 mate Janis: LOVE another mouth to begrudgingly feed Jimmy: 👍✔ Janis: how old was your dad when he had you Jimmy: how old's he now? 105?? 🤔 Jimmy: hang on, nah, what's that saying? Only as old as the lass you smack on the arse Janis: 😏 past it then Janis: point remains anyway, people stay stupid Jimmy: northern and thick Jimmy: top combo that Janis: all people are the same Janis: collect a load of 👶👧👦🐶 you think you want 'cos it feels good at the time Jimmy: Dunno if it ever did for him, more in it for the 🎻💔😭 Janis: 💘 of the tragic backstory Jimmy: *life story Jimmy: that goes on and fucking on Janis: its called generational trauma Janis: you'd know if your ma was a wanna-be hippie Jimmy: @ him Jimmy: and my mum Janis: it's just a word to throw about Janis: if she knows how to heal it she's keeping that one to herself Jimmy: that'll work, they both love throwing words about Jimmy: don't matter if they know what they mean or not Janis: there you go Janis: @ each other Janis: spark that back up Jimmy: there's that 🎄 miracle my sister has her 🤞 for Jimmy: she'll be chuffed to bits Janis: 😬 Janis: shit Jimmy: been ages but if any dickhead can sort it 🎅 Janis: 🚗❓😡🛫🛬🏡🙏 Jimmy: sounds about right that Ian would 💭 my mum had popped back up just to nick his car Janis: I mean, fairplay if she did Janis: I just meant if your plan works though you'll be 🥇 brother x2 again Jimmy: dunno about that Janis: maybe for like, a day, anyway Jimmy: 🤞😁🤞 Jimmy: be me Janis: awh Janis: cute Jimmy: soz I meant Jimmy: *🌧😒 Janis: easy mistake to make Janis: still cute Jimmy: stop flirting with me Jimmy: if I  keep 😳 all the snow'll melt Janis: 👋 shit dad Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 full orchestra Janis: so emotional Jimmy: 💰 on that soundtrack being top quality Jimmy: have a look Janis: there's 3 hanson songs Janis: none of which being mmbop Jimmy: what the fuck Janis: 1998 was a time, apparently Jimmy: 💔 I ain't a time travelling 👻 or ⛄ Janis: "It's possible for the Jim Henson folks and Industrial Light and Magic to put their heads together and come up with the most repulsive single creature in the history of special effects, and I am not forgetting the Chucky doll or the desert intestine from Star Wars." Janis: when your dad gets dragged Jimmy: 😂 Janis: I guess it's better than when they redid the whole Jack Frost vibe later and they made him look like one of your coworkers Jimmy: if he pops a CV in I'll be out the door Janis: yeah you will Janis: 💔 for the fans Jimmy: OI Jimmy: you're meant to reassure me, dickhead Janis: Babe Janis: you're the best barista they've ever had Janis: better? Jimmy: late than never Janis: Baby boy Jimmy: you weren't taking the piss when you had shit that were actually edible offered to you Jimmy: all the 🏆 for me then Janis: I'm not taking the piss Jimmy: bollocks Janis: out of the fact girls lose their shit over you 'cos you can make a coffee, maybe Jimmy: 😎🚬 is more of a skill, we both get it Janis: I don't know if I'd say it's more impressive but more interesting, sure Jimmy: but if you want another go at ☕🎨 I'll ❌ this bit out Janis: if they paid me, happy to Jimmy: barely pay me, mate Jimmy: that'll be why I spend loads of my shifts 🗨 to you Janis: just so 🥱 Jimmy: *😍 Janis: 🥅 nice save Jimmy: ain't a 👏👏🌹 chaser like you, girl Jimmy: I could hack being a goalie for a bit Jimmy: just that good with my hands any road Janis: 😂 Janis: you 🤞 to prove it and I'll come see you some more Janis: teach me what you like Jimmy: be thicker than I look to refuse an offer like that Janis: right answer Jimmy: I can really see you tomorrow, yeah? Jimmy: that's not just Janis: yeah Janis: can't stop me going out for fresh air, like Jimmy: 🤞? Janis: Promise Janis: I don't give a fuck Janis: I wanna see you Jimmy: that feels like the right answer to me Janis: I've got to see and pretend to listen to loads of people I don't wanna see Janis: only fair Jimmy: drive over if you want, there'll be somewhere else we can leave the 🚗 that'll still do his head in Janis: might take you up on that Jimmy: bring the dog like you said if you want an' all, that'll piss him off Janis: ha Janis: he'll proper think I've got no home to go to then Janis: 🥺🎻 Jimmy: DUH the obvs answer is you drive back home after, why didn't I think that though? Jimmy: don't need anywhere else to leave it Janis: it's okay Janis: you were so buzzing Janis: no 🩸 in your 🧠 Jimmy: just don't want you to leave Jimmy: near the same thing Janis: 😎 Jimmy: [sending her pics of this finished reindeer moment] Janis: that's not the abomination I reckoned it'd be Janis: he'll be well 😁 again Jimmy: how hard do you wanna backhand that compliment? Janis: who's good at making snowmen, never mind snowreindeer Janis: only that blindly 🙌👏🌹 of you for the fans Jimmy: me, dickhead Janis: not gonna say soz for my caution Jimmy: that snow angel ended up so much like you 💀👑 'll be doing shit to it as we 🗨 Janis: anything to cool her down Janis: 🥵 to 🥶 Jimmy: clinging to life to finally dead, it's alright, you can say it Janis: 💁 what happens happens, babe Janis: how are we to know/pray Jimmy: what I'm willing to make happen for you, I don't need jesus about for 👀🍿 unless he wants to help clean up or hide a bit of evidence, as a mate Janis: 1. that's actually hot so fuck you 2. you are practically saved now, you're welcome Jimmy: mixed messages there Jimmy: I get it, you need a minute with the visuals Janis: I said what I said Jimmy: 😏 Janis: go inside now? Janis: get warm Jimmy: 🛏 or 🚿? Janis: what was it you said about visuals Jimmy: take a minute with them Jimmy: to decide Janis: you're not gonna get enough anyway Janis: may as well 🚿 Jimmy: 👍 Janis: nothing else impacted my decision, at all Jimmy: dunno what would Janis: it's a mystery Jimmy: [do get in the shower with your waterproof phone of the future] Janis: [what a time to be alive] Jimmy: [honestly, what more could you need when you're young, in love and extra] Janis: I don't wanna go sleep Jimmy: why? Janis: 🎅🎁🎄 Janis: excitement is too real Jimmy: now the answer that ain't bollocks Janis: it's stupid Jimmy: I doubt that Janis: I just don't wanna stop chatting to you Jimmy: so stay with me Janis: okay Jimmy: it is Jimmy: you don't have to feel stupid Janis: 🤏 Jimmy: ❌ Janis: 🙊 Jimmy: that weren't an animal comparison I made Jimmy: bit dangerous Janis: go ahead and be racist if the mood takes Janis: I don't care and I TOTALLY WON'T use the receipts later when you piss me off Jimmy: not my dad, you're alright Janis: thank GOD you reminded me Jimmy: easy mistake, that Janis: hardly Janis: gonna ask your brother to do an impression of you next, nothing like it, guaranteed Jimmy: 😒 twinning's all it takes Jimmy: look enough like him, nowt I can do about it Janis: yeah Janis: I get it Jimmy: you don't look like Gracie Jimmy: she wishes Janis: plenty of other unfavourable options of people I do Jimmy: I ain't got that list Janis: my nan, mostly Janis: non shit Jimmy: fit nan and shit nan Jimmy: easy to remember Janis: shut up Jimmy: what? Janis: that's gross Jimmy: I'm not gonna ask her on a fake date Janis: 🤐 Jimmy: take the compliment Janis: for my nan? Janis: yeah, not gonna pass it on over the turkey but tah Jimmy: she's fit 'cause she looks like you Jimmy: mysterious she can have Janis: 👌 quit whilst you're ahead Jimmy: don't sound like me, that Janis: you're bad at cards, got it Jimmy: spread it about, we'll have some piss easy wins Janis: 😏 alright Janis: bit of an obvious trick but they are all exceptionally stupid so Jimmy: not the worst plan we've come up and had to pull off Janis: suppose not Jimmy: 🤝 Janis: 🔪🖐🩸 Jimmy: open a vein so I know it's real, babe Janis: go ahead and take your pick Jimmy: you're the 🧛 I don't play favourites Jimmy: they're all 🥇 Janis: arteries explode out and veins slowly bleed out, I think Janis: you've already made your intentions clear Jimmy: have I? Janis: slow and painful death Jimmy: for me, not you Janis: yeah? Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: up to you, that Janis: considerate Jimmy: sound more shocked, dickhead Janis: maybe I told you what I wanted already Jimmy: and what, you're never gonna tell me again? Janis: depends Jimmy: on? Janis: if you wanna hear it Jimmy: why wouldn't I? Janis: you're saved Janis: don't wanna drag you down Jimmy: what if I want you to? Janis: careful what you wish for Jimmy: fuck that Jimmy: If I'm wishing for it that means I want it Jimmy: I don't have wishes to waste on bollocks Janis: three's standard Janis: but won't do the whole, fucking you over 'cos you weren't specific enough/need to learn a valuable lesson bullshit Jimmy: leaves me one Janis: go on then Jimmy: tell me then Janis: I want slow and painful too Janis: I want you to kill me and drag me down Jimmy: I promise Janis: Good Jimmy: starting tomorrow, Jules Janis: tomorrow Jimmy: but it's today Jimmy: well past midnight by now Janis: okay Cinderella Janis: you didn't turn back into a pumpkin Jimmy: or melt under the 🚿 Janis: thank goodness Janis: don't want to have to keep a constant 👀 on you Jimmy: UGH fine, I won't give you the log ins for the stalker account Janis: and definitely DON'T video call me next time you need a 🚿 Janis: would just hate that Jimmy: fuming does suit you Janis: you are very frustrating Jimmy: without trying an' all Jimmy: 💭 if I were Janis: I can't bear to think about that Janis: to be honest Janis: I'll just Jimmy: it's alright Jimmy: you can just Janis: can I Jimmy: yeah Janis: tomorrow Jimmy: *today Janis: right Janis: not gonna tell you I'm counting the minutes or anything but the fans would 💖 Jimmy: if I could count Janis: 🖕✌🤟 baby Jimmy: 😂 Janis: I'll show you how to do it backwards and everything Janis: but I'll let you be working with less alcohol more sleep Janis: I'm nothing if not fair Jimmy: and just 🤏 rude Janis: you like it Jimmy: never said I didn't Janis: just saying you do Jimmy: til I do, you can Jimmy: I'll need better working conditions to 🖋 the FULL list Janis: you'll have to at least tell me your conditions if you want them to be met Jimmy: you'll know when you've met them Janis: 😒 Jimmy: that won't be my face, for a start Janis: 🤞😁🤞 Janis: I remember Jimmy: bit far down the other end of the scale but alright Janis: 😊? Jimmy: have to get the red cheeks in, I 👀 you Janis: there's got to be something in it for me, like Janis: not a 😇 Jimmy: and you reckon that'll be all there is in it for you? Janis: they're your conditions Jimmy: but what kind of fake boyfriend would I be? Jimmy: not 🥇 Janis: assumed your ideal wouldn't have much fan pandering in it Jimmy: LOVE the fans, me Janis: my mistake Jimmy: another easy one, obvs Janis: it's the 😒 Jimmy: @iantaylor8 for his share of that blame Janis: didn't say I didn't like it Jimmy: you never said you did either Janis: yeah I have Janis: loads of times Jimmy: so say it again Janis: well fit and mysterious Janis: duh Jimmy: 😊 Janis: mm Janis: that's weird Jimmy: can't win with you Janis: I just Janis: what's that line Janis: like you, just as your are? Janis: go with that Jimmy: festive Jimmy: I bet his jumper were itchy Janis: just jealous of the rudolph one Jimmy: nowt else to be after from that posh lad Janis: his hair is nice Jimmy: I dunno I were looking further down Janis: 😂 Janis: his beautiful eyes, sure Jimmy: if you need to go have a bit of alone time with them visuals, crack on Janis: 🖕 Jimmy: if that's the technique you wanna use, nowt to do with me but Janis: shut up Janis: you wanna give me tips now Jimmy: I'd have to show you if I'm 🤐 Janis: you're always bragging about being good with your hands Jimmy: that'll be 'cause I am Janis: sure Jimmy: I'll show you Janis: if you're gonna slag me off in sign, way ahead of you Jimmy: depends on how shit of a review you give me for what I am gonna do Janis: seems unlikely Janis: track record, and how nice I am Jimmy: not doubting myself, Judith Jimmy: way ahead of you on how unlikely it is Janis: not sorry for wanting proof Jimmy: you won't be sorry when you get it Janis: come on Janis: stop teasing me Jimmy: I'll have a job to touch you from here Janis: 😣 Jimmy: I know Janis: 😠 on the scale, actually Jimmy: 😡 'cause it's festive and you reckon the colour suits me Janis: yes x2 Janis: on brand Jimmy: 💡🥇 hang on Jimmy: [a saucy lil video of how good he is with his hands on himself because the best we can do rn as far as proof goes] Janis: Jimmy Jimmy: 🎁 Janis: you're just going to do that Janis: and act like you haven't killed me Jimmy: I said I would Janis: you weren't messing about Jimmy: slow and painful as I could manage Janis: I can see that Janis: Jesus, boy Jimmy: can't have you calling me a tease Janis: challenge accepted, yeah? Jimmy: always Janis: 🥇 is right Jimmy: for you, yeah Janis: it is for me Jimmy: Where are you on the scale now? Janis: If I could tell you how 🤯 I am, it wouldn't convey it Janis: speechless or 🥴 Jimmy: not gonna be a prick and call it a 🎄 miracle Janis: if I show you back you can call it that Janis: nice list still possible Jimmy: dunno if you can keep saving me and say you wanna drag me down but alright Janis: I want dragging you down to be fun, on both accounts Janis: what fun's a shit Christmas with no presents? Jimmy: you've given me loads of 🎁s Janis: if you don't wanna see me Jimmy: I'd never say that Janis: so say you wanna Jimmy: [voice memo just because] Janis: [some risque photos but not doing a video because we don't trust and the issues there sorry] Jimmy: [that's so real] Jimmy: speechless is right Janis: I just wanna show you I miss you too Jimmy: you did Jimmy: we're on the same page, no pisstake for once Janis: you have no idea Jimmy: 🤏 Janis: okay, some idea Janis: it's not 🥇 though Jimmy: Oi Jimmy: I give the 🏆s out Janis: yours was better though Janis: but I'm not mad to take 🥈if it means I get to feel that Jimmy: you weren't expecting it, nowt else Janis: weren't expecting you is a good way to put it Jimmy: I get that Janis: I dunno Janis: I'm drunk and horny, that's all Jimmy: is it? Janis: I don't know Jimmy: alright Janis: 'tis the season Jimmy: 🥛🍪 Janis: he's been and gone, babe Janis: I checked Jimmy: he's in your 💘 forever, girl Janis: 2000 miles, yeah Jimmy: don't be get getting 🎄🎵 in my head Janis: I need to get you out of mine Jimmy: rude Janis: not like that Janis: it's your fault Jimmy: there's loads of room in your head for me Janis: ha ha Jimmy: let me stay Janis: how could I refuse Jimmy: Bill'd have suggestions Janis: he's not speaking to me right now Jimmy: it'd only be some bollocks with a fan Jimmy: like we don't have other ways to send secret 💌 Jimmy: what did you do to piss him off? Janis: like if I smack you 'round the head with it I might be a bit pissed off? 👍 Janis: his mind, honestly Janis: not being very 💘 right now Janis: letting you leave so easily, not very starcrossed of me Jimmy: I've got no complaints, he can leave his out Jimmy: before you start, I know that don't sound like me Jimmy: but if he's gonna be mardy, might as well break character and really do his head in Janis: he's got NOTES about the lack of ⛓⛓ Janis: but when I told him he was trying to compete with Dickens he went full 😒😒 instead of you 😱 Janis: meant to say FUCK OUR FAMILIES and be all about each other only, not, fair play, reckon you should go back before the kids wake up 🙄🤷 Jimmy: he can't say we didn't take that stage direction Jimmy: fuck Ian is written in every margin Janis: exactly Janis: he wants me to kick the 🐶 in the face or what? Jimmy: I think that were me Janis: doing the kicking or getting kicked Jimmy: obvs kicking the 🐕 Jimmy: but a 🥊 would be festive if you've got your 💘 set on it Janis: he's probably into some light ⚽🏀 torture Janis: I 👀 it in your future, Romeo Jimmy: 👍 Janis: 😏 Jimmy: how far in the future have you had a look? Janis: 🔮 NYE Jimmy: night of my 💀💀💀 Jimmy: I get it Janis: Obvs I cannot IMAGINE life after that Jimmy: duh Jimmy: what kind of life would it be Janis: NOT the one Bill wrote, that's for sure Jimmy: he ain't thinking about how fit you'd look in all that black Jimmy: I'll have a word Janis: I've not got an ugly cry face either Janis: just put that out there Jimmy: it's all coming up 🌹s Jimmy: he'll get his head round the rewrite and be chuffed to bits Janis: 👎 Jimmy: ? Janis: I wanted slow and painful Janis: not to fake 😭 forever Jimmy: set the date then, baby Janis: have to see where you are after your dad finds out Janis: doubt you'll be going anywhere before NYE Jimmy: he'll have his own murder to do Jimmy: can't have Sharon pining forever AND have all the 💔😭🎻 for himself Janis: ooh fun Janis: odds on he'll strangle her though, predictable Jimmy: Dunno if he's got the stamina for it Jimmy: might have to just smack her with something Jimmy: gutted he don't have any 🏆 Janis: 😬 #cantrelate 💘🙌💪 Jimmy: can't escape the comparisons, me Jimmy: ⛏ or 🔦 from his mining days'll do 🤞 Janis: get caught for keeping the murder weapon Janis: just can't let go Janis: I like it for him Jimmy: coal dust at the scene of the crime and her last meal were 🥧🥔🍺 Janis: 😂 Janis: was nice of him to make sure she was fed Janis: blame, where??? Janis: 🥇 bloke Jimmy: she'll have made it for him but if she don't crack on to them leftovers how'll she have enough stamina herself to do the washing up Jimmy: he's learnt from past mistakes there Janis: don't smack her 'til the chores are done? Janis: keep that in mind Janis: thought it was his motivational tactic Jimmy: and get the next one to clean up the 🩸🦷 so you can't hang about smacking that Sharon's arse an' all Janis: got a system Janis: almost have to respect it Jimmy: @ him Jimmy: best 🎄🎁 going Janis: I'll pop out a box tomorrow if he likes Jimmy: you got one massive enough? Janis: oi Janis: fat shame me on christmas Jimmy: 🗨 about nowt but your head Jimmy: but 💭 about it, doing your 🦒 neck in would be AGONY Janis: OFFER 👏 ME 👏 A 👏 MASSAGE 👏 OMG Janis: -100 #goals points Jimmy: give me chance, dickhead Jimmy: you ain't even out the box yet Janis: not in it Janis: let me eat my dinner and unwrap my presents first Jimmy: there you go then Jimmy: don't be taking #goals points off me Janis: well you'll have to think of your own idea now Janis: can't copy me Jimmy: easy Janis: we'll see Jimmy: making it sound like I ain't had loads of 💡🥇 already is a bit of a pisstake but alright Janis: not that easy Janis: I've already been well too nice to you Jimmy: ❌ out the bit where you're chatting bollocks and we're left with the right amount of nice Janis: 🎅 is the ONLY man who makes those kind of calls Janis: how dare you Jimmy: ain't stopping him 📞 in Janis: alright if you reckon he'll side with you Jimmy: I'll talk him round if he's pissing about on yours Janis: Good luck he doesn't do sign Janis: and I don't think he could understand your accent either Jimmy: better at not talking, me Janis: hoe Jimmy: #seducesanta probably already trending Janis: unoriginal but popular Janis: basically this plan in a nutshell Jimmy: I'm nowt if not on brand Jimmy: and #suckingoffsantaclaus is a bit Jimmy: it's just not mysterious enough Janis: SO weird no 😎 Jimmy: what else is he 📞 at this time of the morning for? Jimmy: bloody tease Janis: he's just finished work and he wants to debrief Janis: it's like you don't even care Janis: one-track mind 🙄 Jimmy: UGH fine #spooningsanta Janis: 🥉 you tried Jimmy: he'll rate it Jimmy: you're too jealous to give me any credit is all Janis: oh please Jimmy: stop begging, I can't cuddle you from there Jimmy: you'll have to get a lift with 🎅 Janis: 😑 twat Jimmy: soz I'm not a 🦧 Janis: that's my type now? Jimmy: I dunno what other animals have long arms Jimmy: you tell me Jimmy: 🐍 spooning just sounds like I'm gonna suffocate you Janis: 🐙 Janis: and 😍😍🤤 Jimmy: SHIT that'd have been a top one Jimmy: fucking hell Janis: 🏆 Janis: what do I win? Jimmy: I'm too fuming to 💭 Janis: rude Jimmy: blame that 🐙 dickhead Jimmy: making me look even thicker than my face does Janis: soz you can't compete with me or tentacles Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: who's 🦑 an' all? Janis: 😬 Janis: at least it's not 🦐 boy Janis: remember him Jimmy: how could I forget? Jimmy: what a #lad Janis: yeah Janis: no arms at all there though Janis: ❌❌❌ Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Janis: you can have him Janis: he'll be so 😁 Jimmy: and what, you're saying grateful is my type? Janis: as that would be a fake self-drag Janis: I would NEVER Jimmy: 🦐'll have to live without me Jimmy: or 💀💀💀 if we're starting that trend Janis: he might be that gutted when you're gone Janis: if I have the misfortune of having to stick around here and be a 👻 Janis: I'll let you know, somehow Jimmy: 🤞 him and all the other dickheads who do your head in Jimmy: 'cause you won't be a 👻 unless you have unfinished bollocks Jimmy: and I reckon that's gotta be a bit more than 🐕🏃 so you'll be alright Janis: tah for your expert opinion Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: rot in peace, my dear 💕 Janis: with so little going on, how could I not Jimmy: it's a done deal Janis: 👍 Jimmy: 🥀 Janis: think one of the kids has woken up Janis: brb Jimmy: 👌 Janis: [obviously we're dipping] Jimmy: [you wanna post this then gal it's probably long af] Janis: [we can start actually xmas day in a different convo if you wanna yeah]

Panic on Melody Lane There wasn’t a lot of room in our car. My roommate, Eric, and I packed the vehicle to its maximum capacity. A tent, a cooler, duffle bags, sleeping bags, and a black stash box in a sedan of which we still had to fit one more person and his belongings. I left the apartment and drove to pick up our friend, Jerry, who was an athletic son-of-a-bitch with long hair and piercing blue eyes. He never seemed to break contact with you. We pulled into the parking lot of his dorm-room at the university down the street from our apartment. Jerry walked out carrying a dirty mattress topper which we shoved into the back of the car. “Out of the front seat. I call shotgun,” Jerry said as he opened the door and pulled Eric out of the front seat leaving him fumbling on the ground. Eric struggled to shove his giant gut in between all the boxes, and the cooler, and the tents in the backseat. “Let’s get going,” I said. I was in a rush. “What’s the hurry?” asked Jerry. “We got all weekend.” “I just want to get there.” We picked up the final tent and stuffed it into the back of the car which packed to the brim of its  roof. “We can’t drive like this guys.” “Why? What’s the problem,” asked Jerry. “I can’t even see out the back window.” “Who gives a shit!? Let’s just get going!” “Look, I ain’t about to drive four hours with this shit blocking my rear view.” Now Jerry’s smile turned sour. One could never know what to expect with Jerry. J a little crazy. He rarely blinked and rarely ate. He must have weighed 145 pounds, had crooked teeth, and long dirty blonde hair. We’d been in the car all of 30 minutes, and you could already see his leg was starting to twitch and move up-n-down rapidly.   “Fine, we’ll  have to drop some stuff off at sam’s,” he said. “I bet they'll have room.” We drove to Sam’s. He lived in a house not too far from the university. It had a lawn and a white picket fence and looked like it was transported from a 1950s TV show. Leave it to that beaver, Sam, to find a quaint little spot amid a loud and obnoxious town. I knocked on the door. Jerry brought a cooler, duffle bags, and a mattress topper to the stoop. “Uhh. Hello. Can I help you,” said a voice behind the metal security door. An old man answered. He wore fuzzy pink slippers with bunns, a checkered collared shirt tucked into jean shorts, and a raggedy baseball cap. He was accompanied by another older gentleman. “Who are you,” asked Jerry, who pulled open the door and dropped everything in the middle of their floor. “Look you better get out of here,” said the man in the slippers. “Yeah,” said the other man. He was smaller, and bald. “You guys aren’t gonna be having one of your wild little parties like last weekend. I don’t know who threw up in my closet, but I mean, come on guys. Get some sense, that type of drinking will kill―” “Look, I’m sorry about what happened here a week ago,” Jerry said. “The mess, the noise, the puddles of beer on the living room floor; it’s not gonna happen again I promise. We just need to leave a few things here for Sam to take with him when he meets us out there. We’re going camping this weekend and we can’t fit everything in our car, it would mean the world to us if you could help us out.” By then Sam had sauntered into the living room walking toe-heel instead of heel-toe. His hair was bedraggled. He must have come from a bender of online poker, facebook, and smash bros. “Hi, how are you gents doing,” Sam asked. He was smiling, but his face was blank. He had a strong jaw which jutted out, and a symmetrical face. He could have been an Abercrombie model if his life hadn’t spiraled out of control after the excessive use of Nintendo and marijuana. Often, concurrently. We all stared at Sam and there was a moment of silence. He stood up straight. This man always retained good posture. “What seems to be the issue,” he asked. “Well your buddy seems to—” “Wait, wait, wait wait wait.” Jerry interrupted the old man “There’s no problem here at all Sam. We just wanna leave some stuff here for you to take with you on the way up to the desert.” “That may work,” Sam said. “Provided, we have enough room.” “You’re only riding with Tom,” said Jerry. “You’ll have enough room.” Jerry took the cooler and shoved it against Sam’s torso, pushing him back. “Y-you guys should probably leave now. “I’ll see you guys up there. He led us out of the metal security door onto the front lawn. “Sorry to kick you out, but my landlord’s here and I don’t think he really appreciates you coming by.” “But isn’t he always here,” I asked. “Doesn't the guy live in the house?”   “No he lives with his friend in the silver trailer in the backyard.” We looked back at his landlord who was now staring at us through the blinds of the window. “There’s a trailer in the back?” asked Jerry. “Yes! You don’t remember running in there intoxicated last Saturday night, screaming ‘Gahahahaha What’re y'all hiding in here for?’ do you?” “Uh, no. I don’t.” Jerry took a long swig from his water bottle. “Well, anyway,” said Sam. “I’m pretty sure the guy in the slippers is my landlord’s boyfriend―” Jerry spit out the water from his mouth. “They live there all alone in that little trailer,” said Sam. “Hahahaha, Now why would he stay back there when he owns the place?” “I don’t know man, but they are definitely a thing, if you know what I mean.” “Oh my god, I could just picture it… ” The landlord with the fuzzy pink slippers climbing up the schlong of Mt. Baldy. It was a match made in heaven. His landlord came to the doorway. “Hey Sam, are you going to move your car,” he asked. I looked over and his Nissan Altima was blocking his landlord’s blue Fiat. Sam looked at the small man dead in the face. His eyes told the landlord there was no way in hell that he would move that car.   With a breath, Sam calmly said, “Alright. Just, allow me to have lunch first, is that okay?” His landlord said nothing and retreated back inside the house, a defeated man. “Hahahah, Oh my god, what was that Sam?” We laughed, got back inside the car, and drove off down the street playing music. “Did we just see what I think we saw,” asked Eric. “I don’t know, what did we see?” “Bro, Sam just big-dicked his landlord.” “You can see why he likes living there, they're the only ones who’d ever let Sam jerk them around like that,” I said. “Yeah,” Jerry said in agreement. “You can really see who wears the pants in that house.” “Agreed,” said Eric. We continued driving along the city-road and then pulled into a gas station to refuel. I sat in the car and watched Eric come out of the convenience store with a brown hot dog, a bag of pork-rinds, and a giant big-gulp of root beer. “Jesus, my guy, you stocking up for the winter, or what?” “No, I just like food,” said Jerry as he shoved the dog in his mouth. In a muffled tone, with a full mouth, he said, “Besides, It’s a long drive.” “How long,” asked Jerry. “About four hours,” I said. “Ahhh shit. This sucks!” Twentynine Palms was on the other side of the state, and with the amount of traffic we faced, the drive became even longer. We drove through one small town after another, inching along the freeway. We passed mountains in the distance. On the left-hand side of the road was an Indian reservation. Several Mexican restaurants and a booze run later, we came across thousands of windmills on the right side of the road. Then it was just a short ride to the city of Twentynine Palms. And they weren’t lying. There really were an abundance of palm trees that lined the main street of this desert-hipster dump. Liquor stores, palm trees, air-b-and b’s, and restaurants seemed to make up the majority of the town. The main street seemed to have undergone serious gentrification. We continued down the road as it began to narrow out. One home had an array of lawn gnomes and odds and ends in the front yard. Pink flamingos and animal sculptures were spread out on the lawn. There was a sculpture of a dog holding up a pizza, and a Tyrannosaurus Rex head mounted in the center of a mansard roof. Another house had lights strung across its yard, surrounded by a fence entirely covered in bottle caps. Another house had pieces of glass and transparent stones with blue tints deep-seated in the smooth green stucco. A minaret sprouted up from the roof like Taj Mahal. We made a sharp left turn onto an even narrower dirt road. We were close. We passed by multiple cars ditched on the side of the dirt road. Some had been stripped for parts. One had a missing bumper and the grill was exposed. Another had busted out windows. And one was missing its hood, doors, and had only one wheel left on its well. They all had one thing in common; no one was in them. It was now dark. We made a right turn into a plot of land. “This is where the directions lead us.” “Let me see that,” I said. I grabbed the iphone out of Jerry’s hands and tried to make out where we were on the map. I couldn’t. We were lost. “Fuck Apple Maps.” Suddenly a light appeared in the distance. We drove toward it. Then there was another light. And another. Three beams of light flashed us, waving back-n-forth from left to right. “Follow it! Follow it,” said Jerry. Driving through the dark, all I could see were the lights.Everything was pitch-black. We drove over some bushes and tumbleweed before we reached the lights. Then they went dim all of a sudden. A horn sounded at us, as we all jumped up in our seats. We heard laughter as the brights of a pickup truck flashed at us. “See, I knew it was them,” said Jerry. “We’re here.” We got out of the car to greet the boys: Tom and Sam. They seemed to have arrived before us. Too many stops. We built a fire together, pitched a couple tents, cooked some hotdogs, and told stories around the circle of the firepit of the rustic desert getaway. It was the kind of place desert locals steer clear from, but the type of place to be praised by privileged hipsters from the city for its novelty and character. “Can you believe they rent this place out? It’s a dump.” I said. “Yeah,” said Sam. “But it’s got character.” Tin bells hung from the framing of the window frame, which overlooked a vast mountain range. There was no ceiling, exposing the entire night sky. I’d never seen so many stars before. We drank beer, red wine, and vodka before passing out underneath the stars. Around 10 a.m. we all woke up. Sam and Jerry cooked the leftover hot-dogs for breakfast. I ate nothing. “I looked off in the direction of old structures in the distance. I think I’m gonna take a little walk,” I said. “I’ll go with you,” said Tom. “Me too.” Tom, Eric, and I left, as Jerry and Sam stayed behind. We walked in the opposite direction of the mountains toward the only man-made structures in sight, until we came across an abandoned home. Its windows had been broken, and a decaying wall contained a mural with a pair of blue eyes, and white circles in the middle of the pupils. The white circles gave the eyes a twinkling effect, meant to look like light glistening off of the retina. There were also yellow polka dots painted around the perimeter of the eyes, like a mask. “I wonder what happened here,” I said. I looked on the ground and picked up a purple shotgun shell and put it in my pocket. “Look at this. A little souvenir,” I said.   We climbed in through the window. The house was empty and filthy. Floor boards were missing, and the ones that remained had faded in color. There was a toilet which wouldn’t flush. God only knew how long the excrement had been sitting in the bowl. There was a giant doggie bed that looked like it was made for an animal the size of a bear, and in the middle of the main-room was a wooden table. SItting on it was a fork, a knife with a serrated edge, a plate, and a bib that had ‘Get ready for spaghetti,’ printed on the front. On the stovetop, was a large silver cooking pot for stew. There was also a 1950s fridge. We opened it up and found a leather shoe that was falling apart, and an old tire iron with what looked like the remains of blood on the tip. There was one more room that we couldn’t access. We tried kicking the door down. We took turns ramming it with our shoulders.  We even picked up the bed frame, flipped it on its side, lifted it, and tried using it as a battery ram― still, nothing― the door wouldn’t budge. “Guys, this ain’t working,” said Tom. “Let’s just get out of here,” said Eric. We must have been a few miles from the campsite. We knew we had to go in the direction of the mountains. Along the way, we tried to look for any recognizable landmarks, but weren’t seeing any, and the fact that we drove there in the dark didn’t help us familiarize ourselves with the landscape whatsoever. “This place is totally deserted.” I said. “Crazy. Whose idea was it to come here anyway?” “Oh,” Tom said. “It was Jerry’s.” “Jerry’s?” “Yeah. He said he’s been coming here since he was a kid.” We passed a few more gutted homes and trailers and came across a large plot of land with an old metal mailbox that had the name Jenkins  painted in white letters on its left side. It was the only place we had seen within a few mile radius that looked inhabited. I hopped over the fence. “C’mon guys what’re you waiting for?” They both stood there dumbfounded. “C’mon!” “Jack,” said Eric. “This is crazy. We can’t just waltz through this guy’s land, he could be a fuckin serial killer for all we know.” “I don’t like this one bit,” said Tom. “Me neither.” “Guys. We need directions back to camp. We don’t know the area, this guy might just be our only hope. Trust me.” “You know what,” Tom said. “Jack is right. We could be wandering out here for hours. We have no water and no directions. I say we go and at least see if the man is home. Who’s with me?” Tom hopped over the fence and stood by my side. “But guys,” Eric said. “The signs on the fence clearly say ‘No trespassing and no soliciting: violators may be shot.” “Ahhhh,” I said. “Keyword: ‘maybe.’ That doesn't mean he will definitely shoot us. Just cause he’s got that sign doesn't make him a man of malice intent, he could just be exercising his constitutional right to keep his land— maybe his family, his livestock even― safe. But how are kids like us in any threat to those things?” “He’s got a point,” said Tom. “Oh really, Tom? He’s got a point? Okay, fine, if you wanna call methamphetamine livestock.” Eric took a few more steps back.” “You know what,” I said. “Suit yourself. But I’m going over there to figure out where the hell we are.” “I’m going too,” said Tom. ` We headed toward the front porch of the house. Eric waited for a minute, heard the shaking of a rattlesnake tail in the brush, and screamed. “Hold on, fellas. Wait for me,” he cried. He tried to hop over the fence, but the leg to his pants hooked the fence post. He fell forward over the fence and landed on the ground. Tom and I turned around to look at him. “I’m okay,” he said. He gave us a thumbs up and we continued walking toward the porch. Michael rolled over, got up, and followed behind us. As we walked to the porch down the dirt driveway, the path narrowed out as I focused on the front door. The house was old and unkempt. The white paint on the wooden planks was peeling off. The hip-roof was dried out from the sun and missing a few shingles. A couple of windows were boarded up and there was an American flag flowing in the wind, held up by a pole on the right side of the yard. Along the driveway, were tires and bales of hay. In the distance to the right, you could see a field of wheat. On the other side of the yard was an old blue pickup truck from the 1970s with one red door. Strolling up the driveway, a figure seemed to appear out of nowhere. He stood on the porch. It wrapped around the entire house, and there were bells that chimed in the wind, hanging from the framing. The man watched us. He was a skinny man, had dirty-blonde hair, and a long and scruffy goatee. He wore a straw hat and his hair was shoulder length. He had blue overalls on, but was shirtless underneath, and he was chewing on a blade of wheat which stuck out of his mouth. He was barefoot and had long yellow toenails. He spoke out. “Whut is yo’ kids doin’ wan’erin’ about these parts hyar?” “Sir, we were lost and need directions,” I said. “Can you point us to Melody Lane?” “Wal, sho'nuff ah can he'p yo' fellas out. Yo' look tired. Yo' need ennythin', a jack, a Coky Cola, mebbe a rin' aroun' th' old rosie wif ol’ rosie back thar? The man spoke out with the blade of wheat still dangling out of the side of his mouth. He pointed to the shed on the side of the yard. It looked like an outhouse with a moon-shaped opening on the top of the front door. Chains were wrapped around the shed, keeping the door locked. “Uhhm, you know what,” I looked around and said. “I think we’re good on the old ring. Maybe we’ll just retrace our steps. Sorry to bother you. We’ll be going now.” “Come on let’s get out of here,” said Eric under his breath. We all began to step back, when the old man said: “Wait now, yo' come onto mah propuhty. Then yo' disrespeck me by turnin' yer backs on an old man!? O' ah knows whar Melody Lane is an' ah can hell all yo' fellers out.” I stopped walking, took a breath, turned around, and listened. "Fust yo' hoof it straight on down thet road thar, yo' make a lef' at th' old hangin' tree, then yo' foller down thet road thar about ha'f a mile until yo' see th' old ram skull layin' about. Make t'other lef' an' about an'other mile down yo'll see a sign post thet reads ol’ Melody Lane.” “Wow, thanks mister,” Eric said. “Yeah, thank yo' mister,” said Tom sarcastically.. “Wal shoot, yer sho'nuff welcome! Yo' kids take care now. Goo'bye.” “Let’s go guys,” I said. “Wait,” said Eric. “I have some questions for the guy.” “So,” he said. “What can you tell me about the history of this place?” “Eric, it’s time to go.” “Now hold on, I’m curious.” I rolled my eyes at the sonofabitch. “Continue,” he said. “Wal, thar's not much t'know. Th' place was foun'ed in 1927 when ol’ colonel Henry Warshin'ton was surveyin' th' San Bernadino Baseline, he was. Cor'din' t'lejun, th' origeenal oasis down hyar corntained 29 palm trees planted by th' Serrano varmints fum native Mor'ongo an' Yuhaviatam, dawgone it. Thar's an ol’ lake down at th' basin of th' mountains on over yan'er, but thet done dry up a long time ago. Since then, they fimed th' technicolo' movie, Tell Them Willie Fella is Hyar, aroun' these parts, an' even Robert Billy Bob Plant, fo'mer singer of a li'l ban' called Led Zeppelin, had a hit sin'le called 29 Palms, fum his solo album, Fate of Nashuns, back in nineteen hundred an' ninety three! Yup, this ol’ town hyar has got a lot of histo'y, it sho'nuff does!” “Wow,” I said. “Thanks for the history lesson. Now I think it’s time we―” “In fact,” interrupted the onld man. “I can recall on noomrous occasshuns city fellers a-comin' hyar reckonin' they own th' place, but yo' seem like nice a’yo’ng boy. Now whut in god's name is yo' doin' in place like this ol’ town hyar'?” “We’re camping,” Michael Said. “Campin'?” “Ahh-yep,” I said in a sneering voice. “Down on ol’ Melody Lane, yer campin’?” “Yup.” “Oh Wow. Yo' kids bess be careful now, yep. They say thar's a kinnibal wif a pet mountain lion named roamin aroun' down thar. “What?” I said. “That’s crazy talk.” “Yep,” he said. “The th' ol’ mountain lion's name is Timothy.” “Timothy?” “Yep! Ol’ Timmy-Boy  is a real stellar hunter when it comes t'yo'ng fellas sech as yournelves. In fack, ah w'dn't be surprised eff'n he's watchin' yo' all fum a distance right now as we speak.” We all stared at the old man, dumbfounded. He smiled at us revealing his rotten teeth. He hacked up a ball of phlegm and spit at one of the bells hanging on his porch. The bell chimed from the impact of the glob of spit. “On that note,” I said. “I think we’re gonna get going. Thanks for the directions, and you have yourself a fine day, Mister.” I waved to him, turned around, and started walking to the front gate. He proceeded to warn us as we were walking back. “No problem at all. Yo' fellas stay safe out thar, an' remember, eff'n yo' hear ol’ Timothy callin', bess be on yer toes, b’cuz his old master might not be too far, an' eff'n he git yo', well, yo' might as fine beg th' old lo'd t'take yer life right then an' thar, on account o' when he takes yo' back, an' yo' see them blue eyes he got up thar, yer gonna knows thet life’s was a precious gift t'be treasured, in all t' tarnation.” He raised his voice. “Like hay! Fry mah hide! Now make it while th' sun still a’shine! Fry mah hide!” I turned around and looked at the old man one last time as he let out a diabolical laugh, turning into an intense series of coughs. I turned back around at my friends, who both gave me nervous looks.   “Ah, nice boys,” I heard him say under his breath. We left the house and never looked back. “Crazy old hermit.” I mocked him, “Ju guys hear thar's a kinnibal on over yan'er?”  Pshhhh, give me break.” Eric looked at me, concerned. “You guys don’t think there’s actually a―” “What,” I said. “A cannibal? With a pet mountain lion?” He looked back at me anxiously. “No,” I said. “It’s a silly story the guy’s just using to scare us. He probably just doesn’t like us, coming from the city, and disrupting his isolated little world. But you know what? We have just as much of a right to be here as he does. Now c’mon. Let's get back to camp.” We exited the campsite. I looked back at the old gutted house and could still make out the pair of painted blue eyes from afar. We took the hermit’s directions. We made a left at the old hanging tree and followed the road until we saw the ramskull lying on the corner of the intersection of two dirt roads. I looked back at the wall and saw someone walking from up the road ahead. It was the first person we’d seen walking out there. He walked off in the other direction. We made another left and continued along the road until we saw the signpost that read Melody Ln.   “I see it,” said Michael. “I see it.” Smoke was rising from the boys’ barbeque and we could see our camp in the distance. We walked toward it. “Where did you guys run off to,” asked Jerry. “Oh. Nowhere special,” I said. Jerry shrugged and sat down by the fire pit. He went to the car, and dug through the trunk. He pulled out the black brief-case and took it over to the homespun shack. “Guys, check this out.” He entered the briefcase’s combination and put on a pair of rubber gloves as everyone gathered around. Sam turned on a song I’d heared on the radio. “Overthinking’s got me drinking. Messin’ with my heaeaeaead. Tell me what you hate about me. Whatever it is I’m sorry. Yeah ayeee, yeah, ayee yeaaahh. Yeah ayeee, yeah, ayeee yeahhhh. “I’m coming to terms with a broken heart, I guess that sometimes good    things fall apart.” I hated the verses but (in the moment) the chorus gave me goosebumps as I sat and listened to the music. I saw the mountains in the distance, and with the sun shining on our campsite, I thought the world is beautiful. “Guys, do you see this,” I asked. “What man? What is it,” asked Jerry. “This. All of this. Do you see?” “It’s a great spot.” said Eric. “It's amazing.” We stared off into the distance. There wasn’t a road in sight. There were no cars, or buildings, and aside from a few old farmhouses and trailers, there weren’t any people. The only thing in front of us was a vast mountain range overlooking  a dried up lake. From where I was standing, it was hard to tell how far the mountains actually were. “I think I’m gonna go out there,” I said. Sam looked at me in disbelief. “Out there?” he said. “Yeah. I’m going out there.” I walked toward the mountains. They looked to be a least a few miles off. I stared back atTom, Eric, Sam, and Jerry.   “Come on guys,” I called out. “Let's explore.” “You know,” Sam said. “There isn’t anything out there besides barren land and desert trash. Now, if you wanna make the best of this experience, sit down, and just listen to the music. It’s hot out and if you go out there alone, you’re just going to get severely dehydrated.” I kept walking. I wanted to make it to the mountains and I was also wondering who was willing to follow. I saw some power lines in the distance. If I could make it to the power lines, I’d have a clearer sense of how far away the mountains were. I walked through the basin. There were some plants scattered around, but it was mostly just rocks and dirt. I stepped in a tiny mound with black ants crawling about. It was an anthill. My body tensed up as I scurried away, shaking my foot around. It was another twenty minutes or so before I reached the power lines. I thought once I had reached them, I’d have a better sense of the distance to the mountains. But it looked like the mountains were about twenty times the distance I had just traversed. Suddenly I felt a breeze and heard footsteps from behind me. Someone grabbed me by the shoulder. I turned around and it was Eric. “Eric.” I shook my head. “ It’s not smart to sneak up on somebody, especially when there's no one else around.” “Bro,” he said. “This place is beautiful.” “Yeah it is.” I looked out at the mountain. “I can’t tell how far those mountains are. I thought once I got to these power lines they wouldn’t feel so far, but now they seem even further.” “Some kind of optical illusion,” he said. “You know, I run track laps at school and here I am trying to quantify the distance between me and these mountains― wondering how many track laps it would take to reach those mountains, but out here in the wild,” I said. “There are no measurements, no track laps, and all these numbers…”, we shared a look and both started laughing. “They don’t mean shit,” he said. “Exactly,” I said. “It doesn't matter out here. It’s just endless land.”   “Do you see how the mountain’s are at different distances? It looks like they’re stacked on top of each other.” “I feel like Mosses, wandering around this desert.” “What are you on about?” “You know all these biblical guys who wandered around the desert who say they spoke to god?” “Yeah,” I said. “What about them?” “Do you ever wonder if maybe all they did was exactly what we’re doing right now? You always hear stories of the burning bush and, well, who knows? Maybe Moses just took a whiff of something he shouldn’t have, and had a vision.” “Could be true,” he said. “I know I’m definitely feeling some type of way right now. Out here, looking at all of this, I could see how someone could feel connected to a higher power.” He had black sunglasses covering his eyes, and a smile was brewing on his face. “You know you don’t have to follow me out here,” I said. “In fact, you probably shouldn’t. I’m a fool. I'm the type to wander alone out here and get lost.” “It’s okay fam, I wanna be out here the same as you.” He took a deep breath of air and let it out. He walked ahead of me looking as though he were ready to conquer the mountains ahead. After a few more steps he collapsed to the ground and vomited. Then  he sat on the ground and looked up at the sky. He kept vomiting as I patted him on the back. He then made his way into a meditative position as the wind passed through his body. You gonna be okay?” I asked him. “Oh, I’m fine,” he said. “You go on.” “I won’t go far,” I said. I walked out into the basin. The landscape shifted purely to desert. There were no plants or animals. There weren’t even any bugs on the ground. Just reddish soil and rocks. It looked like Mars. I came across an old rusted out Volkswagen Bug. There were bullet holes on the driver’s-side door, but there were no remains of a body to be seen. I figured the scene had to have been from a while ago, so I kept walking. I found an old refrigerator with more bullet holes, except these bullet holes were tiny and clumped together in concentrated areas. I looked around the refrigerator and found a purple shotgun shell. My heart skipped a beat and I dug through my pocket. I pulled out the other purple shell I had found, and held the identical shells side-by-side up to the light. They were exactly the same. There was a lump in my throat. I took a deep breath, counted to three, and opened the door. A skeleton plopped onto the ground in front of me. The arms and legs had been removed and the breastplate on the upper left quadrant of the torso had been broken. Someone had gone for its heart. On the inside of the refrigerator door ―just where the shells had hit― was a painting of two eyes; the same two eyes as the wall of the empty house. I slammed the refrigerator door, and saw a figure in the distance coming towards me. I was able to make out its silhouette. It was a brooding man with long hair and he held an iron in his right hand. I sprinted to the mountains as fast as I could, but felt a hand on my left shoulder pulling my body back around. I couldn’t fight it. Then I heard his voice. “Hey Jack, what’s the problem?” I rubbed my eyes and blinked a few times. “Jerry?” I said. “Why do you have a tire iron?” “Protection,” he said. “You never know what you’ll run into out here.” “You sure don’t.” He laughed, relieved that he had found me. “You've been out here a while, man, I was worried. C’mon I’ll take you back to camp.” He gave me a pat on the back and we headed off together. The sun beginning to set.