1659.

COVID

How is Covid where you live? it’s finally settled down. we no longer have to wear masks anywhere except hospitals and nursing homes. they even stopped reporting the number of daily cases but it’s still in the thousands as far as i remember

Are you having a food shortage crisis due to drivers having covid and unable to work? not anymore

Are you using check in QR codes or filling in manual check ins everywhere you go? again, not anymore. they were such a hassle, i dont really see how it helped the cause tbh

Are you washing your hands/using sanitizer when you can? always. i was like this before the pandemic

What is one thing about covid that is driving you insane? nothing anymore. the anti-vaxxers kinda drove me insane though. if u dont want to get vaccinated, thats fine but please do not shove uneducated ‘facts’ down people’s throats

Are you sick of everyone talking about covid? no one really talks about it anymore

Do you find you clash with anyone when discussing covid? thankfully no one i was close to clashed with my views. sadly my beautician was anti-vax, imagine having to listen to her views unsolicited while i was supposed to be getting a relaxing facial lmao

What are your thoughts on the vaccinations and boosters? i supported them. i wholeheartedly believe i had a mild case of covid because of the vaccine

What has covid taken from you or prevented? a couple years of potential travel. but tbh i ended up saving a lot

Do you know anyone that has covid? how are they doing? i probably only know like 5 people who haven’t gotten it now

LIFE

How is life for you right now? it’s honestly not bad. im a lot happier tbh

Are you Okay? yes

What is impacting your life the most right now? nothing really, just the thought of getting in shape and saving money before the wedding next year

What is something positive that has happened to you recently? i got the whole weekend to myself!

Any goals for 2022? it’s nearly over haha

Did you make any new year resolutions? no

Seeing many friends through the pandemic? i did

Are you studying? nope

Are you working? yes

Any new hobbies? not really

FRIENDS

Who is your best friend? my fiance

How long have you been friends? 14 years

What is something about them that makes you smile? everything! 

Have they ever supported you through something major? always. theres honestly nothing he wouldnt support me through

Tell me a memory of you both together? traveling to sooo many places together and making memories

Ever travelled together? haha ^ yes, plenty of times. we’ve been traveling together overseas for 10 years now

Do you share similar interests? hmm mostly

One band or artist you both enjoy? the weeknd

One hobby you both enjoy? gambling lmao

What is something you disagree on? sleeping in. im more of a seize the day kinda gal

Name a movie you both love. the hunger games. we just rewatched the trilogy

Name a television show you both enjoy? rpdr hahaha

Any nicknames for each other? yes

PARTNER

Do you have a partner? yes, same person i spoke about above lol

Where Did You Meet? through friends over msn messenger but we officially met face to face at a friend’s 18th birthday

Who made the first move? he did

Have you or have they said ‘I Love You’ yes

Do you get bored in a long term relationship? never

Much drama in your relationship? nope. we havent had a serious fight in honestly so long *knock on wood

Are they loyal and loving? yes

Name 3 things you have in common we both cant really cook, we love to travel and we’re both fucking hilarious

RANDOM

Where are you from? australia

If you could travel ANYWHERE right now, money wasn’t a barrier, where would you go and why? disneyworld, idk i just wna fkn travel, so on rides, eat good food and relax

Alec is out late with friends on a weekend and he gets a text from Fetch to come home because Lefty is worried about him but won't text him himself because he doesn't want to come off as too controlling.

Tym 2 come hom

Alec didn’t initially understand the wording, he knew it was Fetch based on the strange texting language, he also didn’t understand why Fetch had texted him in particular, yes Fetch was synced to everyone's phone and would text them if necessary but he mainly communicated with Greg and Lefty.

His phone then received another message:

U need 2 come hom

Was Fetch asking him to come home?

He did see the time on his phone screen said 10:45 pm, he had been given permission by Lefty to go to the movies with some boys from school, the movie ended a while ago and Alec had decided to grab something to eat, he was just sitting inside the fast food place after eating just using the WiFi to watch videos on his phone.

Now Fetch was texting him.

Fetch had only texted him three times before, once because Fetch couldn’t get in touch with Greg, unaware Greg's phone battery died earlier.

RU on UR way now Alec?

Alec stood up, he had already decided it was time to go home but he decided to respond to Fetch first:

I'll be home in twenty minutes

Fetch responded:

C U soon

Alec checked the time before he went inside the house, he knew Lefty wasn’t particularly about curfews but Lefty did say before for everyone, which included himself, Ralpho, Sarah, Millie, Pete, Oscar, Stanley, Matt and everyone else, that it was a good idea to not be out of the property after midnight. The reason being that there were threats Lefty hadn’t captured yet, like Funtime Freddy, Alec hadn’t seen him aside from pictures but Lefty warned him enough that Funtime Freddy could potentially be stalking Millie and might be coming to watch the house after midnight for an opportunity to grab someone.

Creatures like Plushtrap, Eleanor, and Foxy were also problematic, and the reasons why the doors were impossible to break complete with multiple locks that would give enough time for Lefty to get a spell ready to repel them.

Nothing bad had happened so far, Lefty did say he was certain Eleanor showed up a few nights ago because Fetch kept barking at the window and Lefty saw a tall figure running down the street, obviously spooked by Fetch barking.

Alec pushed the door open, then closed it behind him, he immediately saw in the living room, Lefty was sitting on the sofa, and Fetch was next to him, he appeared to be asleep.

Lefty looked over at him, “Oh you're home...”

“Yes, I live here.”

“I just didn’t know when you would be coming home, that's all,” Lefty answered.

“Fetch texted me to come home,” Alec told him.

“I didn’t notice that he did,” Lefty looked at the dog who was at his side, Fetch slowly opened one of his eyes and looked at Alec.

Alec's phone buzzed, he figured Fetch had chimed in with something and looked at what he said:

Lefty was worried abt U

Alec nodded, Fetch then added on:

He won’t admit

Lefty don’t wna ctrl U

Alec interpreted that as Lefty wanting to let him have freedoms but not wanting him to get hurt by those freedoms.

He noticed from the very first time he met him that even with him unaware who he was, he saw Lefty was trying to protect Helpy from a potential threat. Then when Alec said who he was, Lefty was always looking out for him, at the time Alec was a two-foot Lonely Freddy and could disappear into the vents, Alec even got trapped in a pipe once after he fell into it and it wasn’t fun, Lefty did pull him out when he found him. Lefty was not just looking out for him, but protecting him like how a parent would.

Alec did realise after he was put back into his body that the family life he thought he wanted for several months wasn’t the one he needed.

That was months ago, and Hazel had followed him to this new life with Lefty and the others.

Lefty was still sort of new to being a parent, technically he had eight kids to watch out for, him and his sister included.

“You know if you want me to come home, just text me,” Alec said to Lefty, he didn't want Lefty to worry about him.

“Well, you know what I said... don’t be outside after midnight.”

The whole midnight thing wasn’t as much of a curfew as it was a safety rule, Alec was fine to follow any rules Lefty had because they weren’t unreasonable, Lefty expected him to do homework and chores but he was okay when Alec wanted to take a break, play games and go out for the afternoon, Lefty had never fought with him or scolded him.

“I wouldn’t,” Alec answered, “Because I know you don’t me to get hurt.”

“I don’t want anyone in this house hurt,” Lefty seemed to correct him.

“Not even Matt?”

Alec had spoken the name of an adult man they recently met, Alec knew Lefty was having arguments with Matt regularly but they seem to be less now.

“Me and Matt are establishing a better relationship,” Lefty explained, “He's starting to break a lot of bad habits, I think Spring could also to be thanked for that, I mean yes what happened wasn’t nice but it was a wake-up call, and in a way... everyone here has had some sort of wake up call.”

Alec felt like he had two wake-up calls:

When he realised Hazel wasn’t a manipulative brat, and when he realised he was a lot happier when Lefty was filling the parent role better than his own parents.

“Regardless no one in my opinion deserves to be attacked by a rogue robot.”

“What about the people created Lonely Freddy?”

“Well... I already showed those people their actions have consequences and Karma's a bitch.”

“Well, you are Karma then.”

Lefty chuckled at that, “I guess I am.”

“So not grounded for being out past eleven?”

Lefty shook his head, “Alec, I don’t really ground anyone, you know that but I'd like you to go to bed now, you need to have at least 9 and half hours of sleep.”

Lefty didn't particularly enforce an exact time for sleep, he did however liked everyone to be asleep by eleven, and he said Hazel and Chuck should have about 10 hours of sleep.

Alec nodded, “Okay, goodnight dad.”

Alec did occasionally call him Dad but not always, Lefty wouldn't force it, Alec never saw how Lefty would smile when he heard that.

“Goodnight Alec...” Lefty responded as Alec disappeared upstairs out of view.

Lefty looked at Fetch, who turned his head to him and gave him the innocent look like he did nothing wrong, he gave that look yesterday when he tracked in mud on the kitchen floor.

Lefty saw Fetch had sent him a message on his phone.

U need 2 jus communicate wn U'D lk him 2be hom

“I guess I need to do that... I mean... he's legally my kid now, heck I even considered him my kid long before, I put in the effort that his real parents never did,” Lefty said, ”I don't want to come off as controlling, however.”

I nvr met Alec's M&D but dey don’t sound gd like Greg's, U btr parent 4 them all

“Ian and Meg aren’t the same as Greg's parents...” Lefty told him, “I don’t like talking to Ian or Meg, but I’ve threatened Greg's father saying if he ever hurts him again then he better start running immediately because I won’t be held back this time by anyone.”

Fetch growled at the mention of Greg's father, something they both hated was Greg's father, he then shook his head and yawned.

Bedtime

“Yes, let's go to bed, Alec's back home now, just go to bed, I'm going to have a quick look, make sure everyone is actually asleep,” Lefty stood up from the sofa and went upstairs, Fetch followed behind him.

Lefty checked on Hazel and Ralpho first, he liked her for some reason so he often jumped on her bed while no one else was looking and fell asleep there, he then checked on Sarah and Millie, who were both asleep in their bed. Delilah also was asleep, with her alarm set for eight AM so she could go to work, Stanley, Matt and Spring were asleep.

The boys all were asleep, Alec obviously would still be conscious but his eyes were closed, the only things Lefty noticed was Pete didn’t take off his hat so it was still on his head and Oscar had his phone in his hands, he obviously fell asleep while texting Issac and Raj.

Lefty then snuck to bed, Fetch had already taken his place on the big dog bed in the corner near the door, Lefty walked pass him, he took off his hat and bow tie then laid down, drifting into a dreamless sleep.

That was until Fetch woke him at eight, asking for breakfast like he always did.

Future

Best friends to Lovers!Kang Daniel AU

Note: for the times where you experienced 썸 (some) with your good/best friend and wished that when you do convey your feelings it would somewhat end up this way

“_______, are you done? we’re going to be late,” Daniel stood by the door, watching you putting on makeup

“hold on, i’m almost done! okay which one?” you held 2 lipsticks

“you know i like the red one on you” you smirked at his comment and proceeded to put on the wine red lipstick

“i don’t get why you’re putting on so much makeup. who are you trying to impress?” he gazed at you

“um my future partner? what if i meet him by chance at the wedding?”

“and you’re going to leave your best friend behind?” he pouted

“well…”

“omg you’re really considering it?! i’m leaving” you quickly held his arm, preventing him from leaving

“i’m kidding! c’mon Niel, how can i leave my dearest best friend?” you teased him, pinching his cheeks i wna do that tbh

this would be a good example of your everyday conversation with your best friend, Kang Daniel

you and Daniel have been friends since elementary school

how you first became friends was definitely interesting (?)

your class had to run rounds around school for gym

it was only your second round and you already felt tired so you decided to escape from running

as you were finding a hiding spot, you saw Daniel crouching down and playing with a cat

he got shocked when he saw you behind him

“don’t rat me out please!” he begged you

you then learnt that he too was trying to escape from running rounds that day

that was how you became close friends

both of you grew up together and been there for each other through every milestone, relationship, break up, etc. in life

basically you spent most of your time together, except for when he left for Canada (?) for a few years

it was truly the hardest time in your whole friendship and when he came back, both of you promised to never leave one another

your friend from high school, Doyeon, had invited you to her wedding so you decided to attend it with Daniel since both of you had no one to bring as your plus ones

daniel in a SUIT swoon

you finally arrived at the wedding venue, just in time for the couple to exchange their vows

“I see these vows not as promises but as privileges - I get to laugh with you, cry with you, care for you and share with you. I am blessed to not only be able to share, but to have you be a part of these great memories I am able to cherish forever…”

tears started forming in the corner of your eyes

you took a deep breath in attempt to hold it in but Daniel beat you to it by handing a tissue to you smooth move danik

you managed to mumble out a thanks in between of your sobs

he hushed you then let your head rest on his BUSAN TO MASAN shoulders

you wouldn’t know what you would’ve done without Daniel around

you quickly went ahead to the married couple to congratulate them right after the exchange of vows

“Daniel didn’t pop the question yet?” Doyeon sneakily whispered to you, while Daniel was conversing with her partner

“what? no, we’re not together,” you felt yourself blushed

“oh… i thought after high school, you guys would finally come around and share a future together. it would’ve been so nice to see that,” she said, holding onto your hand

once the ceremony was over, it was finally time for the banquet your favourite

of course Daniel went all out

you came to the table with a plate full of food but he came back with 2 plates and still went back for 2nd round

till this day, you wonder how is he able to consume so much food and still look so good drop em tips boi

“get me some too!” Daniel told you when you stood up to get dessert

you stood in line, with a plate in hand, waiting for your turn when someone approached you

“________? is that you?”

“Sungwoon? omg hey it’s been so long!” he gave you a side hug

you met Sungwoon during your internship, you both were rather close

however, whenever you brought up Sungwoon in your conversations with Daniel, he will immediately tune out

both of you would fight every time he does that, you knew he did so because he was jealous but you never understood why and he would never tell you the reason

Daniel saw Sungwoon’s hand resting on your waist a little too comfortably and he immediately tensed up

he didn’t want to make a scene so he calmed himself down before making his way to the dessert table to get you or more like to make Sungwoon take his hands off you

“babe do you need a hand with those?” Daniel slowly turned your attention to him, which caused Sungwoon to move back, away from you

“babe? wait what?” you were surprised by his choice of words

“ah i see… i’ll talk to you later _______,” Sungwoon walked away, clearly flustered by the situation

“Sungwoon wait- omg Niel are you serious? we were just talking! i can’t believe you!” you pushed him

“he was getting too close! what if he did something to you?” he quickly followed behind, catching up with you

“so what if he is? Daniel, you need to stop being so overprotective of me. I can take care of myself! You can’t just do that all the time. Sungwoon’s a really nice guy and now he’s probably scared to talk to me again coz of you. Forget it, I’m going home,” you stomped away from him

“wait, i’ll take you home. it’s getting late,” he ordered, which you quietly obliged to

the ride home was abnormally quiet

usually both of you would sing along to the songs on your playlist, making jokes and laughing

this time, the radio filled the silence, even so it felt uncomfortable

his grip on the wheel tightened even more, putting all of his focus on the road

you just looked out of the window, deep in thought about what happened earlier

he clearly was being jealous and you hated every time it happens

you aren’t going to stop hanging out with Sungwoon or anyone just so that he will stop being jealous, that would be unfair to you

but you just wish that he would stop it

you finally reached the carpark of your apartment building

you unbuckled your belt and reached for the door handle but Daniel stopped you immediately

“can we talk? i don’t want you to go home all angry”

“…”

“look i just want to apologise. i can’t help but feel jealous and i am sorry that i had to put you in that position,”

you still didn’t want to budge, you crossed your arms and avoided eye contact

he suddenly wrapped his arms around you, hugging you close

“i’m sorry! i didn’t know any better, kid,” he bopped your nose

you felt your heart beating quickly and the heat on your cheeks

you immediately tried to push him away but Daniel hugged you even closer in return

SOMEBODY STOP THIS MAN you are supposed to be angry at him!!!

“hey c’mon please? i’m really sorry about that. let’s turn that frown upside down,” he cupped your face and gave you your favourite eye smile, the one he knew you couldn’t resist i’d faint irl tbh

you can’t help it but to just gave in and forgive him

“just because i forgive you, doesn’t mean i’m not serious about it”

“i know, i’m sorry. i can’t help it,”

“but why? if it’s about them stealing me away from you then-”

“wHAT? NO! i mean yES. i mean- ah i can’t tell you now,”

“WHY! you always can’t tell me why and i want to know why right now”

“i just can’t, no not now please. i’ll tell you next time,”

“no i want to know it right now! can’t you just-”

“I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU OKAY”

silence filled the car once again

you were shocked coz you didn’t expect to hear those words

you had always thought you wouldn’t share mutual feelings coz he had never looked at you that way

and the girls he dated were in no way similar to you, all the more it made you think that you didn’t stand a chance

hearing those words from him made you flustered

“this wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. i wanted to bring you out and tell you how i felt. i even got tips from Doyeon’s partner on it!”

listening to what he had to say made you hide your face in embarrassment

you were so touched, you ended up sobbing into your palms

“wait, no no don’t cry, please. i don’t want you to cry because of me, that’s the last thing i ever wanted,” he held onto your hands

“is that why you couldn’t tell me every time i asked you?” he nodded quietly

“i’m touched by you. i never knew you felt the same way. thank you, for telling me,” you kissed his cheek

Daniel held onto your cheek then pecked your lips

“i’m still going to bring you out and confess to you like how i planned” he grinned to you

Day 79

soooooo i went to bed at 8 am in the morning today. Cause i was on the treadmill. with breaks after 30 mins. for a total of 3hrs. so i started at around 3 am and ended around 7 am almost 5 hours for an actual 3hr workout Oh great! 

oh now i put a sticky note on the webcam thingy on my laptop. Lol now ik for sure why almost everyone at uni puts an ugly sticker on it. cause someone might hack into it and stuff. saw it in mr robot. 

oh yesterday we went to a mall and dad had to park and come later after we already entered the mall. so when he was entering he saw some lady lying on the floor having a nose bleed i think. anyways so later in the car he was talking about it and telling how when he saw that he was almost about to call me and then he saw that the ladys like surrounded by more than enough people so theres no need to but then he was like i came to his mind right away. idk what he thinks about me but im sure i havent thought as much about myself for sure lol. hmph. But i wish to live up to his expectations one day inshaAllah. 

so my doctor has been telling me for months now, and once again from my most recent lab investigations results i am supposedly having a very bad bacterial infection. And i have no idea where the hell it is :) so i have to go to the hospital agaaaaaaain to see a nephrologist or urologist after doing an urine culture & bleh not looking forward to it but gta go. maybe tomorrow 

so my mom is really cool. i mean she knows so much about medicine. ‘clinical stuff’. A lot of it. Tbh she knows more than me. ever since year 2 and 3, whenever i find out some interesting clinical management i always ask her about it only with the intention of telling her about it once she didnt know the answer WHICH i only assumed everytime. She mostly answers them right and on top of that i end up learning a thing or two from her esp the medicine names cause like in med school they dont teach us the brand name but the generic name. she knows a lot of brand names too. i mean shes just awesome mashAllah.  Anyways so why im mentioning all these is cause, she freaks out every time my results are out and the doctor goes like i have a bacterial infection. So from urine analysis. Normal level of ‘pus cells’ should be ZERO to 4. Even SIX pus cells means infection and i have like around 26 Pus Cells. Oh Holy

So after hearing that mom who id expect to not say silly things comes up with all weird theories Ughh! she tells about how im so dirty and i dont wash my water flask so it has lipstick stains on it and maybe thats where i got infected from “-” AND once i laughed it off she suggests maybe its from all the ‘burgers’ i eat from outside “-” “-” and how the fast food chains dont maintain hygiene and all Ughh. 

Btw ik my posts are usually really long and all but then its actually funny sometimes. I mean i hardly write anything. There is just SOOOO much stuck in me. i mean you can say i write 1% of it. And if you think im just bluffing, ill raise it to a 3%. But if i say i write even 10% of whats in my head then Ill call myself a liar! See, the thing is. I dont like talking to anyone about these. “except” for him. And that is because i ‘chose’ to. Like its not that i dont have people to talk to, more like i dont even need people to talk to. Cause i dont want to. Its just me ‘wanting’ to open up to him. to trust him. to let him be a part of my life. What im trying to say is. The reason i have so much stuck in me is not because i cant talk to anyone but more like i dont want to. And theres just one person I want to talk to with. Other than that, I find more comfort in my own company rather compared to anyone elses tbh. 

Now i remember in one of my post i was talking about our last conv where he told me to wait for him and he’ll come for me one day inshaAllah and i was talking about idk how much i can do with regards to that to make things easier for us! Idk i think theres more to what i can do. I keep thinking about it and, i believe that i need to be stable and successful enough too. And not just simply stable financially but like, I need to be at good place. A marriage is a two person thing and you always need to lift each other up as much as you can.

One way or the other, this thing always just slips whenever i sit to blog but it entered my head and scared the shit out of me quite a few days ago. So i was thinking of us, life.. Btw when i say ‘life’ it still means ‘us’. Its the same god damn thing “-” Aha! So i was thinking about us, and how times passing by. i really cant say if its going fast or slow. so no comments. i honestly dont know! BUT i feel like there is so much to come yet. i mean.. and then i was thinking.. i mean some day itll be the 100th day. cool And then months will pass. AND suddenly it hit me! NOW if theres some month i really wna skip, like s.k.i.p. like God, can you like pause my life or like fast forward it to the next month or something please? THEN, that would be January! Yesssss. Like, i totally have no. freakin. idea. how ill spend that month. Im like -blank- Like idk how ill be breathing in peace. its that much of a killer for me. im not even exaggerating, idk if it sounds stupid but then maybe i am stupid Ugh. But like honestly, im more okay with feb, than i am with jan. i really have no idea what ill do or how ill pass the time :) 

Ill talk more about it prolly tomorrow. but enough for today i guess! 

OH ANDDDDD - “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”  ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ I read that in one of his posts & words cant say what it pulled me out of... Tada b’bye c:

another part of my life is how i can’t wait to graduate and move out from my parents house. As much as i love everyone, i don’t get the same typa love in here. The burden you hold as the first daughter. So much my parents won’t understand. Maybe that’s why i seek love from someone else. Maybe that’s why i’m a hopeless romantic & i want a boyfriend so bad but i won’t admit it. The immense pressure from being the first daughter it’s unreal. I have to set a good example for my younger siblings. When my parents break out into a heated arguement, i have to make sure my two younger siblings are fine and that my older brother’s also okay. I have to take them to the room and assure them that that’s not what people do when they love each other. I don’t need my younger siblings growing up seeing my parents constantly bicker with each other and thinking that it’s what people do when they love each other because it’s not. It’s very unhealthy for children to grow up in such a hostile environment. My mom has a really bad temper like proper anger management issues and i have to stand up for my younger siblings because i really don’t condone violence. I would not resort to hitting people when i’m angry and upset. You can do things in a civilised way ya know? Speak to them in a civilised manner and they’ll understand. Children see the things you do & they’ll think it’s morally correct and do it. The things my mom says to me really hurts me. I understand i come from a very academically inclined family & i’m sorry i’m more artsy and i’m sorry i didn’t get to go to JC i’m really sorry. Nobody supports anything i do i’m really in my own. Probably that’s why i constantly need reassurance all the time because no one compliments my work no one says anything nice to me. Everytime my mom opens her mouth, it’s something negative. I cant believe my own my mom would call me stupid and an imbecile. A good for nothing daughter. She regrets having me. I cant wait to move out. See another thing about me is that i can’t tell anyone about my family issues because i don’t want them thinking badly about my family. My ego uhm is off the charts i must say. I do set aside my ego when i know i’m wrong bc i am wrong nothing to be ashamed off. We get caught slipping once in a while & it’s fine. We’re flawed. I really feel like it’s because i grew up in such a toxic household where i take in criticism just for breathing i’m so okay with everyone else stepping over my head? maybe that’s why im so chill and calm all the time because after awhile you get used to the pain. It’s sorta of this void in you that you can’t fill. You just have a hard time trusting anyone so you keep it all to yourself. I have a terrible habit of analysing and srudying everyone so when they pull the last straw, i’ll implode ya know? My mom says it’s very cunning of me but what about the things they do to me all the time mom? I just wish i had someone to hug and lean on & be comforted by because the things i go thru on a daily reallt makes me wna plummet my death i will not lie. I just wanna be sucked in to a black hole that’s reallt it. Also i don’t really even talk about shit gg on in my life maybe that’s why i’m rhe listener friend ya know? i always think people get bored of me and all so i end up talking about random documentaries i’ve watched. Hm idk hope this feeling disappears one day otherwise i might really take my own life. Okay maybe i won’t i’d probably move to another country. No one cares about me no one would notice me if i was gone. It won’t change a thing. okay time to go back to twitter and pretend everything’s fine ~

Bitch I feel so damn alone.

I need to rant and like writing this here isn’t gonna work. Because I feel relieved if people know what I’m going thru. Like it feels like at least someone (I KNOW, NOT STRANGERS) UNDERSTANDS. As much as I trust strangers with my secrets more cuz duh they don’t even know me. It’s always better when someone actually asks me how I’m doing or ask me to rant to out all on them.

My problems doesn’t sound big or anything. It’s the worrying and over thinking part that makes me batshit crazy.

I just need someone to talk to and like I only have Darius and Josh to talk too. And they are all guys I just want a girl I can talk too. But like all my girl friends are like just… I’m just not that comfortable with them yet. I just feel like, they’re a little too judgey more me still. Like for Shannon and Elizabeth and jiaqi they will listen to my crazy parents problems or my studies problems. But once I have other problems I don’t know how to say it too them.

For me, I just bottle up every worries or insecurities I have. I just want to spill it all out. I feel much better. And like every time I talk to:

Tze wan she understands me and everything. But she will start talking about her problems. Tbh, I don’t mind if you start talking about your problems. Really. But what she does is, she goes on and on saying how I shouldn’t be worried or anything cuz she has it worst. And I’m like, my dad will cane me I’m just so scared. And she’ll be like, aiya don’t scared la that one nothing, you know horh my dad horh he molest and abuse me and blah blah blah. Yes yes Ik her problems are worst but she doesn’t have to ignore that I’m worrying. I rlly don’t mind her talking only about her problems but what she does it dismiss my worries cuz my problems aren’t as scary as hers.

Josh is like really nice he always listens to all my troubles and he tried to cover me when my dad asks about my whereabouts. And he helps me a lot with my studies and like literally so much. But his gf cheated on him he’s taking it really bad the whole thing is so complicated and like I really don’t wna like seem like it ALL ABOUT MY PROBLEMs. so smtimes I rant he listens, but smtimes he just seem uninterested so yeah. But im listening to his problems too giving him advices and shit. We give each other advices and I told him not to fuck around anymore cuz that’s like really hurtful to another person and he just got cheated it’s kinda karma.

Darius is just. Uninterested. Cuz he has his problems to worry. I just rant to him when I have no one. Haha.

And for Bryan. my Gosh. He’s just one of my biggest worries. He has. A big big big big set of problems to worry. And. I just don’t wna burden him with my problems. So it’s like I don’t go to him much for emotional support and it’s just kinda sad. Like he’s supposed to be the one listening. But I don’t want go to him cuz he’s just going thru SO MUCH. And we are both busy with our lives. My finals coming up and he’s has work. So we cant meet up ask much. And whenever we meet up, it will be pretty long and of course both of us will be like craving sex for the longest time. And what do we do? We spend that time fucking. And it’s like sad. Cuz it seems like he isn’t there for me and I’m not there for him. We are like tgt just for sex. Like we know we are here for each other. But I don’t wna burden him by talking Bout my problems. And he hates thinking about his problems and talking about it. So it feels like I can’t be there for him. And we don’t text much either. Cuz he’ll be busy with games where he can escape reality and yeah. I just wna spend some quality time with him. Even if it’s just meeting him for a few seconds to just hug and talk for a little I just want that. I mean till today, he never has once asked about my day or how I’m doing or how was school. It’s always me who has to ask him if I can rant. Or me who’s always been asking how he’s doing and how is work. But he always say it’s fine and doesnt seemed to go much into details. We argued. Cuz I just wanted him to tell me more. Like yeah Ik he’s not fine but I want to know how he’s feeling like is he scared or insecure, yes I know that, but I thought if he ranted it, he will feel better. So I forced it out of him. Turns out he doesn’t like talking about his emotions and feelings cuz that’s what guys do. I just wna be there for him, but I don’t know how. I just can’t be there for him when he needs sex (Or when I need) only right? And he was like: what if I only love you for sex. And I was like that’s how u feel and he didn’t give me a proper answer so.. If that’s how he feel then. We are doing this all so wrong. But I can see he cares about me. He wants to take me to a nice restaurant when he’s getting his pay. Yeah that’s all. So we don’t talk. Yeah we do some catch ups here and there about our friends and his work. But that’s not the real talk yaknow. I can do this small talk with anyone. He hardly shows me his emotions and he still is a little insecure towards me. He doesn’t give me photos of him. He hates it when I secretly take photos of him. He hates taking pictures tgt. I just want him to rant everything to me and be brutally honest with his feelings and emotions. But whenever I asks him, it always seem to him that I’m invading his personal space, me being controlling and possessive as i want to know everything. He gave me the “space” word and like any other girls who would ever hear this, we then deadass crazy paranoid. I worried for 2 weeks. He didn’t talk to me, was always annoyed and angry at me and i was just so scared. I didn’t dare to text him. But everyday I go without texting him, i start to worry more. So me being the crazy girl went to find him at work everyday. But like secretly watching him from a blind spot making sure he’s all okay and fine. But it’s over, he says he was kinda sorry for neglecting me. But now, im just giving him the space he wants. He finally asked me to meet up.but we both decided to use that time for sex so yeah. Sex was good and we cuddled but like the pillowtalk after all the MAJOR EXPLOSIONS is where Bryan is most emotionally vulnerable. So its the only time i can do the real talk with him. But it sucks. That it doesnt feel like we are tgt. But more like fuck buddies. I just want to meet him more be involved with his life more. But he feels its intrusive and oh well, im busy with finals too and i have crazy parents who dont allow me to stay later than 7pm.

I’ve decided, I’ll join the police force no matter what.

Things I need to find out is:

How to become a k9 officer.

Is the salary stable enough to get me a house by 25 years old?

Is promotion and increment of salary slow???

And like I wna get married as soon as possible and get a bto and yeahhh. I just want to settle down as fast as possible. Get a stable income, get married get a house.

“Oh these times are hard,

Yeah, they’re making us crazy

Don’t give up on me baby”

happy birthday jess!!!! 

i told myself i was gna make u a gifset w all ur favs aka dev, lisa, reece, namjoon, vernon, mark, dean, nd then either jennie or hobi i hadnt decided 4 the last gif rip sakdj but r we surprised ,, i nvr actually made the gifs ?? thts a No sdlakjf bUT still ok i wasnt just gna !!! do nothin for ur birthday so : )) here we r this is abt 2 get Soft nd emo but it’s okay bc !!! when am i nOt im gna Scream ok !!! 

jess !!! i already talked to u this morning oFC nd i said i wasnt gna make it long or Corny bc i wanted u to enjoy ur day and i hoPe u did/are!! but : ) )) i’m gna make this Soft nd prob a lil too long but it’s okAy bc im not gna show u this til u get homE bc i want u to enjoy ur trip!! but ok nyway !!! happy birthday bub!!! it’s rlly rlly hard to meet people that u just kinda ?? click w right off the bat nd i alwaYs liked u sm even frm the start i thought u were suPer sweet nd i think we got along rlly well even when we were awkward as Heck ;afsj but im glad we stuCK it out nd started talking more nd more bc i genuinely ?? cant imagine us nOt being friends like ur literally the first person i mssg when i wake up and the last before i fall asleep nd we manage 2 somehoW talk all day nd nvr run out of things 2 say nd i lov it s M ah : (( u alWays listen to me even when im bein annoyin nd emo or jst annoyin in general fksaj nd u never ever complain you’re literally !!! sO kind nd caring nd considerate nd selfless it’s made me compleTely reevaluate the kinda ppl i want in my life bc we’ve neveR had a bad conversation nd ive never felt anythin but love from u and fOr u which makes me so !!! happi bc i wldnt wna be friends w anyone else : (( tht cancer nd pisces Emo luv bye im laUGhign  a;sdfk nywyai loVe listenin to u talk abt ur day nd rant abt whatever lil thing it is thts going on in ur life nd even the lil 10 min talks we get to have between classEs or when ur on break at work make me s o happi !! you’ve only been gone for a day nd i already miss u sM i feel like !! smth’s missing but i know u r having the Best birthday nd the best trip nd im sosso happi that u r out nd doing things that u lov nd tht make u happy!!! i’m soso proud of u for all of the work u hav been doin this yr and how haRd u have been working to get into school nd rlly take control of ur life nd u alwayS make me wna do more or change smth to make me happier bc u truly !! r such a happi lil angel nd hope u know how much i love u !! thank u for literally alwAYs being there even before i realize i need someone to talk to and for always givin the best advice nd makin me smile nd i hope u know that u deserVe the world nd all the stars nd i cnt wait to see everything tht u accomplish this yr !! it’s gna b ur yeAr nd i’m alreadi sO proud of u and u should be too!! this is literally So soft but im sure u r used to me bein soft nd emo alreadi s;adf but i jst !!! want u to know how much u mean to me and i hope u hav the besT birthday ever : )) )) i cnt wait to heaR about it when u get home !!! ilysm u lil shit thnx for bein my better half : ) ) ))) 

1596.

1. How has covid affected you? it had its pros and cons. we’re just about to come out of a 3month lockdown and honestly i was okay with it. i got to work from home, i saved a ton of money from not going out and i got a lot done. 2. What is a comfort show of yours ? the office 3. Are you open about your past or do you not let anyone in? im pretty open about it when asked 4. Favourite fast food joint? kfc! 5. Do you think we were put on this earth for a reason? if im honest, probably not. we aint shit compared to the rest of the universe

6. What is something you have done this year you’re proud of? bought land to build a house on 7. Do u ever feel like surveys are usually the same questions? yes. i wouldnt be surprised if ive done that same survey multiple times over the years 8. What were you doing 10 years ago? i was still at uni, living life lol 9. Do you call out Karen’s when they’re harassing a cashier? i honestly havent come across that in public  10. Animal crossing , yay or nay? yay! although, i did get over it after 2 weeks. i bought a switch just for it and now its basically unused 11. Why do you like to do surveys? something to pass the time 12. Did you ever have a MySpace ? yes 13. Do you think breaks are toxic in a relationship? not really. it depends on what youre agreeing to. i think the space apart can actually really help 14. Do you have a YouTube channel? If no , would you create one? If yes what’s your content? yes and i havent uploaded in years. i traveled a lot like 5 years ago so i documented all my vacations 15. Are you a math person? i can do simple maths pretty quickly but thats about it 16. What’s the worse thing someone has said to you? hmm none comes to my head but theres been shit said to me for sure 17. Have you ever befriended someone because you felt bad? nope 18. Would you ever date someone online? mostly likely not 19. Have you been ghosted before? Would you ghost someone? no 20. When do you think things will be normal again? i dont think itll ever be normal. i feel like people will forever be weird about massive crowds etc 21. Do you watch anime? only as a kid. i got a free trial on anime lab to watch sailor moon and i couldnt get into any other shows. its just not my thing 22. Biggest goal you wanna reach before 2020 is over ? 2020 is over and done with 23. How old did/do you turn this year ? im old haha, i dont wna talk about it :( 24. Do you like tiktok? yes 25. Do you ever miss vine? i never got into vine 26. How are you doing, seriously? look, im fine. i just need to start getting shit done 27. Is there someone you want to talk to but you know you can’t? kinda. and thats fine. 28. Do you make jokes to cope with your problems? nah 29. Have you ever had someone call you their best friend but you didn’t even consider them a close friend? hahaha no, thatd be awkward 30. Have you ever dealt with a pathological liar? cant say i have 31. Long or short surveys? in between. sometimes long boring surveys are just draining 32. If ur in school , are you doing it on zoom or in class? not in school 33. Would you ever have a pet rat? noooo 34. Favourite memory with your best friend? travel memories <3 probably san francisco 35. Favourite type of content to watch on YouTube? a bit of everything. interviews, travel vlogs, podcasts 36. Are you allergic to anything serious? nah 37. Dream job? id love to be the person/people who create new scents for bath and body works haha 38. Do you think dreams mean anything? nothing that would dictate your life but im sure its def got something to do with ur subconscience  39. Fav clothing brand? h&m 40. Do you miss anyone? my dad

851.

Who was the last person you talked to, whose name started with ‘S?’ sinead.

When was the last time you met someone who seemed very unpleasant? tonight. some people are just generally horrible to everyone. it’s quite sad.

Name everyone you’ve had an online conversation with today. maria, ger, irene, milos, toni, sinead.

How many people have you kissed, whose name started with ‘J?’ i haven’t.

When was the last time you turned down an invitation to go somewhere? Why? my friend’s boat party. we’re not super close and i genuinely forgot about it and ended up working :(

Who was the last person to cry in front of you? someone at work.

Do you know why they were crying? no idea, they were talking to someone else too so i didn’t wna pry.

How many Facebook friends do you have? around 300.

Is there anyone on your “friends” list that you dislike? nope.

Is there anyone you dislike, that you have to see/speak to regularly? haha yes.

Does anyone have a romantic interest in you, that you don’t return? not that i know of.

When was the last time you ate a cookie? yesterday.

Has either of your parents ever borrowed your computer? no, everyone’s got their own.

Have your parents met the person you’re currently interested in? yes.

When you’re interested in someone, do you let them know? i’ve been with the same person forever. so i let him know easily lol.

Is there anything happening tomorrow that you’re looking forward to? yes!

Have you ever kissed anyone named Daniel or Danielle? no.

How many alcoholic drinks have you had in the last week? i had maybe seven drinks last saturday over a whole day and night coz of a bachelorette party. i spaced my drinks out so far apart so i didn’t get that drunk lol.

Have you ever received a compliment on anything you’re wearing? not anything i’m wearing right now.

Have you had any caffeinated beverages today? nope.

What was the last alcoholic drink you tried for the first time? strawberry long island iced tea. it’s amazing!

Did you like it? omg yes!!!

Have you eaten any chocolate today? What kind? nope.

How many people have you hugged today? no one.

Do you have a favorite hair color or eye color on your preferred sex? not really.

Is there anyone on your mind at the moment? yes.

When was the last time you had Pop Tarts? What flavor were they? it’s been years. probably in canada back in 2014. i only remember this because my boyfriend tried one for the very first time.

Is your birth year an odd or even number? even.

Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity? most likely.

When was the last time you had Nutella? i feel like the cake i had on the weekend had nutella in it, but i’m not 100% sure.

Who is your favorite character in “The Simpsons?” ralph.

What are your parents’ middle names? neither of them have one.

Are your eyes the same color as your siblings’ eyes? yes.

Have you received any compliments about your appearance today? i think so? someone said i look like a completely different person without my glasses on, idk if that’s a good or bad thing.

Do you have any ice cream in your freezer? What flavor is it? yes. vanilla.

Have you spoken to any of your neighbors today? no.

What food(s) have you eaten a lot of recently? rice.

Have you recently bought a gift for anyone? yes.

Have you gone out with someone, then ruined the friendship you had before? nah.

Do you think you will be married by the time you’re 25? haha i’m over 25 and still not married.

Who did you last ride in the car with under the age of 18? omg no idea tbh.

Did you sleep alone last night? yes.

Would you rather have your nose or tongue pierced? nose. i already have it pierced.

Have you hugged anyone in the last 72 hours? yes.

You can only drink one liquid for the rest of you life. What is it? water.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months? yes, easily.

Do you have a younger sister? yes.

Did you eat a cookie today? no.

Have you ever fallen asleep in someone’s arms? yes.

In your opinion, which is more attractive: nice biceps or washboard abs? biceps. more noticeable in normal clothing.

Do you have any currency that’s not your native country’s? yes, plenty.

Are you talking to anyone right now? nope.

Do you use the microwave a lot when it comes to cooking food? hardly ever. i only really use the microwave to heat leftovers.

Are you any good at poker? i’m okay. not amazing but i know what i’m doing.

What do you want? sleep and a massage.

Whose house did you go to last night? my boyfriend’s.

Why are you on the computer right now? coz it’s just routine before i go to sleep lol. 

Last text from? sinead.

Any plans for tomorrow? yes, definitely dinner at night with my boyfriend.

Are you currently trying to get over someone? no.

Would you say that people consider you a major flirt? hell no.

What is the weather like right now? cold.

What does your last sent text say? fml.

So, have you had any bread today? If so, was it good bread? If you haven’t had bread, are you gonna eat some? nope.

Who sits in front of you in Math class? not in school.

Do you know anyone who plays the harmonica? no.

Have you ever been hypnotized? no. not interested in it either.

Have you ever been on a gondola lift? yes.

Do you know anyone who’s been on TV? If so, which show? me haha. drop the mic.

Are you ever tempted to step on the crunchy leaves? yes.

Did you ever have any unreasonable teachers? eh not really.

Do you have any lockets with pictures inside? yes.

497.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 25

2301. Who is the hottest celebrity you can think of? i honestly don’t have many celeb crushes anymore. 2302. Have you ever been to the following diaries(on opendiary.com)? If yes, what do you think..if no, then based on the name, does it sound interesting to you? Hicks: Shukhevych: Cinderella: Oliver: A tinfoil valentine: Burning River: joebeginswithajay: i hate these questions. 2303. Do you ever get so nervous that you can't even think? opposite actually. i’ll get so nervous that all i’ll do is overthink. 2304. Do you sing when there is no music? not often.

2305. Would you rather cast a spell or say a prayer? say a prayer. don’t wna fuck with the supernatural. 2306. Why does the US dollar bill have a pyramid on it? no idea. 2307. Who was the best political leader in history and why? tbh i don’t have enough knowledge to answer this. 2308. What was the first sex toy you ever used? haha who knows. i’m sure people got creative. 2309. If you hated a book, would you burn it? no. 2310. What are your feelings about pornography? i don’t really watch it. some of it can be really demeaning to women, but as long as all actors are consenting, getting paid well and are safe then whatever. 2311. What are your feelings about people who are against pornogrophy? that’s cool, i respect everyone’s opinion. 2312. If you could dance with anyone in the world right now, who would it be and what song would you dance to? my boyfriend. we’d milly rock hahaha. 2313. What is your favorite flavor of schnapps? butterscotch. 2314. Finish this sentence your own way. There are two types of people in the world... those who do surveys, and those who don’t. 2315. What have you saved since elementary school? a lot of my awards funnily enough. 2316. Have you ever won an award? yes. 2317. Are you more: good or evil? good. wise or foolish? foolish. safe or dangerous? safe. satisfied or envious? envious. honest or decietful? honest. faithful or perfidious? faithful. sane or mad? sane. strong or weak? weak. enigmatic or plain? plain. aggressive or peaceful? in between. brave or timid? timid. humane or cruel? humane. critical or appreciative? appreciative. temperamental or calm? calm. sad or happy? happy. normal or unusual? normal. 2318. How do you feel about Terri Schiavo? who? 2319. Do you feel more connected to the sun or the moon? sun. 2320. Do flaws make people interesting to you? not all of them. 2321. Who is your favorite historical figure? frida kahlo. 2322. White bread or wheat bread? white. 2323. Would you rather never have sex again or have sex once with a walrus? ummm. not sure.. 2324. Would you rather sky dive or deep sea dive? maybe deep sea tbh. i’d hate to do either though. 2325. What is the kinkiest thing you've ever done? done it in public. 2326. What is your favorite pick-up line? i hate pick up lines. 2327. Do you usually do things fast or right? if i know how to do it well, i’ll do it fast. 2328. What will the most common halloween costume be this year? it was eleven this year. 2329. What was it last year? harley quinn. 2330. Is love a choice or something that can't be helped? both. but once you’re in love it’s hard to get out of it. 2331. What is your preferred method of birth control? the pill. 2332. Is there someone you see everyday (or sometimes) that you would like to hug and talk to but you just don't know them well enough? no lol. 2333. Are you or have you ever been in a band? no. 2334. Here are 4 statements about me. Only one of them is true. Which one is it? a. I lost my mind doing drugs. b. I've been arrested before. c. I have 9 cats. <---- this. d. I have a children's book published. 2335. What do you think of the smashing pumpkins? nothing. 2336. Would you wear a thong bathing suit in public? nooo. 2337. Hello I love you won't you tell me your name? no. 2338. If you had to be surgically attached at the hip for two years to either Britney Spears, George W. Bush or an ugly creepy troublesome but nice troll, who would you pick and why? britney because why not. 2339. Let's assume that there is a "meaning of life," a reason for humans to be here on this planet. Would you give up both of your legs and one of your arms if it would mean everyone else would learn the meaning of life? no. the mystery of it is better. 2340. If you could meet God and talk to him for 5 hours, -or- find out whether or not there is intelligent life on other planets and make contact with them, which would you pick and why? (Note: If you meet God, you will never find out if there is intelligent life on other planets, so you can't ask God if aliens exist. Also, you would get no proof that you had talked to him or her. And finally, if God doesn't exist then you don't get to meet him or her!). i’d find out whether or not there’s intelligent life on other planets. i don’t want to choose god and then find out he never existed. 2341. Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, or the Breakfast Club? breakfast club. 2342. Before you read this question, pick a person from your life, any person. (You have to be thinking about someone before you continue!). Would you rather have the ability to watch that person for one hour per day, or would you rather have that person watch you for one hour per day? Who is it and why? (you pick the hour - they don't know that they are being watched - it's like there are invisible TV cameras following them around)? i’d rather watch my boyfriend for an hour a day. i like my privacy. 2343. Would you rather be guaranteed to have your dream job or never be heartbroken? i’d rather take my dream job with the possibility of getting heart broken. 2344. Have you thought about death today? no. 2345. What is your favorite breakfast? a big breakfast. eggs, bacon, hash browns, pancakes. 2346. What is your favorite classic movie? sound of music. 2347. Gold or silver eyeshadow? gold. 2348. Are you the life of the party? no. 2349. Do you wish you were? no. 2350. Sdrawkcab daer uoy nac? yes. 2351. If you realize that a student at your school or a colleague from your job has plagiarised part of their work from the internet. What do you do? i’d approach them first to discuss it. 2352. What does your computer look like when you aren't looking at it?? idk. 2353. If you aren't looking at it, how do you know it's still there when your back is turned? i wouldn’t know. 2354. If you hit an animal with your car would you get out to try and make sure it was okay? it depends what animal tbh. i’d be wary about getting out if it was a predatory wild animal. 2355. If it was someone's cat (collared with address) would you knock on their door and appologize for hitting the cat? yes. 2356. How do you feel about the people who are teased in high school suing the bullies who teased them for emotional damage? that’s cool. i didn’t know it was a thing. 2357. Do you have an interest in any of the following: guns: explosives: marilyn manson: trench coats: the mafia: death: satanism: nazis: that doom game: none of these. 2358. Do you believe that people live in their own worlds or realities or do you think we all share the same world/reality? i’m sure there’s people out there that live their own reality. 2359. Do you believe that Nazism was a characteristically German thing, or do you think a similar type of government could spring up in any country? not sure. 2360. Is your diary in the internet archive wayback machine (http://www.archive.org/web/web.php)? idk. 2361. When do you get your most peaceful and satisfying sleep? when i’m really tired and it’s dark and quiet af. 2362. What thought gets you out of bed in the morning? if i have something important to do. 2363. Do you get along better with guys or girls (as friends)? it honestly depends on one’s personality. 2364. What does tx81z stand for? no clue. 2365. How many points is the letter Z worth in Scrabble? 8 or 10? i forgot. 2366. In poker, which hand is better: four of a kind or a straight? four of a kind.  2367. What is the official language of Australia? english. 2368. On what continent would you find British Columbia? north america. 2369. Have you been to homestarrunner.com? no. 2370. What promise could you never keep? something that meant life or death. 2371. No cat has 8 tails. Every cat has one tail more than no cat. How many tails does every cat have? one. 2372. What are you a member of? my work’s union lol. 2373. If you and your mate were stranded at sea on a scuba diving trip like in the movie Open Water, how would you survive? fml no idea, best thing to do is keep swimming until we see land. 2374. Do you feel confident that you would know what to do under emergency circumstances? not at all. 2375. Have you ever been stood up? i don’t think so. i’ve been flaked on but i’ve never been somewhere waiting for someone and they never showed. 2376. Use a simile to describe yourself. cbf. 2377. Good. Now use a metaphor. no. 2378. Have you ever had an unusual piercing? nope. 2379. Have you ever experienced culture shock? nope. 2380. Imagine you were trapped in one of the world trade center towers on 9/11/01. Who would you call and what would you say to them in those last few minutes? definitely my mum or dad. 2381. Do you ever go to school or work when you feel like you do not look your best?? yes. 2382. Does doing this effect your whole day? not really. 2383. What was the last movie you watched and what did you learn from it? i forgot. 2384. Do you believe that everyone who doesn't believe in your religion is going to hell? nope. 2385. What is the best thing about winter? cuddling. 2386. Do you ever shovel your neighbor's walk? no lol. 2387. How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking? half the time. 2388. Have you ever looked back at someone you loved and wondered 'what attracted me to THEM?' haha sometimes. 2389. What do you think of Drew Barrymore? no opinion. i did like her netflix show though. 2390. Name one thing you refuse to ever do. bungee jump. 2391. Name one place you refuse to ever go. north korea. 2392. Do you think people see you more as who you are or what you are? what. 2393. Pick 3 random letters: sex. Now think of the first 3 things that pops into your head that starts with each letter. sex, electricity, xylophone. 2394. Do you dress more revealing or more to cover up? depends. i do both. 2395. What does it take to be a 'real gentleman'? be kind, charming, respectful. 2396. Where would you go if you were going somewhere you don't usually go? the beach lol. 2397. On the first sept 11th anniversary, the new york lottery's winning numbers were 9,1 and 1. Do you believe this is fate, coincidence or a conspiracy/plan? how can there be two 1′s in the lottery? 2398. Have you ever noticed that there is a lie in the middle of the word believe? ha ha ha. 2399. When (and if) people (or animals) go to heaven, do they become angels? i guess we’ll find out. 2400. What is your most important body part? brain.

Day 81

i keep talking to myself all the time - no not cause im mad or alone - but like i said earlier - i pretend like its ‘him’ and just him. meaning, no, im not those people who talk to themselves cause they enjoy doing it, or like um neither those who talk to themselves cause they dont have anyone else to talk to - but rather, -i-just-talk-to-him-

wow, no that was a nice way to put it out there. so much for defending myself lol

ok so im kinda energetic - as in -my mood is- i am not, physically energetic though. i mean i just spent the last hour and a half in bed scrolling through my phone until my phone shut off cause it ran out of charge and only then i dragged myself slowly to the washroom to pee which i shouldve done 60 minutes ago. so yeah - very lazy 

speaking of time. WTH is going on with this world? i feel like the number of seconds in one minute is a subject to small rise and falls like the world currencies! I mean seriously, i swear nowadays “1 minute” = “EIGHTY seconds” No Kidding!!!! It all started from after fajr today!!!!! 

yeah so after fajr today, at first i kind of blanked out - as in - that rush, impatience and i dont even know how to describe it - kinda feeling i was telling? about missing him and all that? like i need some action something to happen and wow this is such an off season - so yeah i was kind of stuck in my chair,, just switching from one social media to another doing nothing literally other than idk - trying to fast forward life and hit play somewhere cool ugh ok

so then something happened and it cheered me up and i got on the treadmill as was planned. usually do 3 hours but i knew doing 3 now, including my tiny 3-5 min breaks every 30 mins would take too long 

anyways ended up doing two hours at around 7 30 and then was too tired to take a shower so i just pulled a bed sheet from my closet and slept on the floor, cause no way im putting my stinky body to bed. 

when i got up, prayed zuhr and YESSS i did the one hour i skipped in the morning and yeah well thats pretty much it for the day. i mean then i sat and ate and then went to the hosp came back, chilled and still chilling right now as im typing :) 

oh something i said yesterday about how i wish life was full of action like in movies. like i just wish it was although i know its BS thats totally against how this life works. whats more surprising is how i actually wish for stupid stuff - i mean you know how on social media - one gets to present themselves the way they want. i mean you can be anything. happy sad widow married depressed gay - its like - its in your hands - how do you want to present yourself to the world mam? yeah you get my point? but like i lot of people fall for it. you look into others posts and you might wonder how their life is so wonderful and yours is not, how someones life is picture perfect and yours is not and BLABLABLA but Lol - i neverrrrr fell for that. pretty much cause i sugar coat my life too loool 

Its actually funny - im actually laughing - anyways where im getting at with this is - i was thinking about it - i mean for someone like me who never fell for all the crap people put up on display on social media - i sure am one hell of a dreamer to ‘wish’ for a busy ‘movie-like’ all colorful life. But then again in my defense - those are real people and people are full of crap so yeah i dont fall for their shit but i mean a movie is a well organised script being played out - ofcourse you ‘wishing’ for something like it is acceptable yasss (whatever makes you sleep at night:3 ) 

Also i assure you my vocabulary aint that poor, i just seem to lose my words when im posting anything here. mostly cause i have no words - everything is so messy and twisty and complicated Ugh 

Also its really weird that i feel like a days just passed by too fast this week. i mean i mustve slipped. i mean im like a human clock. lol i mean it. i mean when im not on vacation - and you ask me the time, anytime - my guesses are so close to accurate - like im aware of every second ticking by - now, im just saying im aware of it - that doesnt really mean i make the most out of time - but then i do know how precious it is, and i do feel like crap when im just shitting it away. and just randomly wasting time is one thing, but trust me when you are aware youre doing shit - ouch that burns! 

so august is coming, and i was kind of planning on fasting - i mean i didnt fast in july cause i wanted to get used to working out and fasting would just be disturbing. but yeah now its almost august and i think i should fast - for like the whole month - yeah :) cause i barely fasted for i think 8 days this Ramadan i need to make all the rest of it up. AND THEN AFTER THAT, it is sunnah but not one im actually brave enough to do to be honest but but but i think i have no choice - i mean i think i have to fast like every monday or thursday every week - cause i have a lot and a lot of fasting to do to make up for ALLLLL the ones i missed my entire life and trust me thats quite a lot - not the normal amount any girl would miss - cause ive been having problems and so i had to skip a lot and stuff - and i never kept an exact count - well actually its impossible cause its been a problem for years but then i do have to admit that i never tried either - cause idk- i guess i kind of took it as - oh cmon its just fasting - i mean i think i missed around 20 roughly - so ill just fast 30 - thatll cover it up plus ill fast extra - which is a good thing and blabla all that random thoughts! 

anyways i should now just focus on the 30 i wna fast for this year, in august but idk i have to come up with some legit plan where my work out schedule fits in perfectly too. both  are important to me, and im not choosing one over the other, i dont want to and i dont have to inshaAllah 

oh just a random thing - but i go for brands! Meaning, you know if something is sold by a really well known brand youd obviously expect it to have good quality and most of the time yes youre right. sometimes, nope! but then there are things which are not “branded” but the quality is amazing, and the price? well most of the time it is cheaper, but yeah i guess sometimes the price is almost similar - well the thing is - i am the type of person - whod want the brand name on PLUS the quality. like if there were 2 bags for example or two shoes, SAME quality, but one is cheaper ONLY cause it does not have a famous brand name on it - i am definitely the person whod pay wayyyy wayyy more for the branded one! - SO now you know the type of person i am :) :) :) :) 

Lol im sure that kind of information is something a lot of people would use to judge someone :3 But then im not all so irrational loool - like thats definitely something that is “goals” for me! I mean, i am a medical student being financially supported by my dad right now and will be for atleast the next 3 years. ATLEAST! ATLEAST! ATLEAST! 

SO yeah im not saying i cant afford branded products right now but i sure am not comfortable living a life of luxury at this phase of my life. I want to earn it. With my own sweat and energy. I want to tell myself that i deserve it. So yeah, thats the type of person i am but im not currently ‘practicing’ it like religion and one day IF i do, i know it will be something i earned and something Allah will not be unhappy with, because I am not planning to disappoint Him 

Okay enough with that. i really dont need to talk about it as long as i know ill be alright inshaAllah 

Oh something really interesting - so i REALLY REALLY need to smile. like NOT “smile more” but like “SMILE” for gods sake hahhaha. I mean idk - its like i hate people so much and idk i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me, and its not like i even care or want them to like me and thats exactly why im like all -pokerface-pokerface- but like cmooooon! if youre really talking to someone, something as simple as a short interaction in the hospital for example with the receptionist or pharmacist - i mean cmoon - just smile a little? i mean i REALLY need to work on it. cause if i am planning on being a doctor - OH PLEASE - smiling is part of the job OH WAKE UP LADYYY!!!!!!! 

but like im not kidding - like i just said - i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me. and ofcourse its not true, i mean MOST people dont even know me. like in the hospital i went to today for example - whyd everyone hate me? :) i mean idk its just something i feel. its weird. but sheeeeeet. have to work on it. fake a smile honey :) 

Okay and idk how wrong or right it is. but i thought of it and i dont feel like there is any harm to it. Like, id like to have the idea in my head that me and him, we love each other and we are meant to be together one day. inshaAllah. For which i always and always pray to Him and ask from Him. But as of right now, we are not together. but deep deep deeeeep deeeeeeeeeep deeeeeeeeeeeeeep and deeeeeeeeeeep’errr in my heart i keep telling myself that. We are.

now idk if its wrong, or right - but - i believe it is not making me do something which might anger my Lord.  All what it does is calm my heart. a little. And so i guess its okay! At least for now, i cant let go of the idea. Not today <3  Tada, guess thats enough for today! 

xox

Day 70

Seventy.

Life is going on. With ups and downs. Good days and bad days. Well life is mostly grey for me. 

As every day passes, i just realize more and more how much i love him. I really dont want to bluff about it but I just couldnt stop from typing it out because the realization blows my mind away. And one big reason is because I would never do what i did, or can do for him, and no one will ever mean anything even remotely close to how much he meant to me and will always mean to me. 

This might all just sound like a cheesy note any person in love would say but Oh God! trust me, this is what comes to my head after quite a good number of not-so-nice crap i have in my big fat head. So yeah! thats how i just know. This is not ever going away. And if I ever got a chance to re-live, i wouldn’t have wanted to fall in love with anyone else, orrrrrrrrrrr id just wish I was alone. That’s pretty cool tooo!! lol 

Speaking of which. Yeah. I pretty much do enjoy my own company. I just dont like communicating much with people. for a lot of reasons actually. Well, to begin with. I believe im a really complicated person. LIke, everyone has their own story and theres something twisty about everyone and bla bla but then I really do thing Im just not that easy to understand, and to top all that, I dont even like opening up to people so thats more of a reason to not get me. I am kind of aware of the fact that i seem to have a lot of ego and seem to be filled with pride and arrogance. But thats not true, thats just how some people see me, and i cant blame them because i think that is something i mask myself with. However, many people do find me really sweet and all but whatever side anyone sees, its always clear, im not really interested in getting too close with anyone and that i appreciate my own space. Sometimes, i do wonder if i really do enjoy being on my own or i actually want some good friends. But then the thing is, i have really really good friends back from high school. the only thing is, theyre not in the same country, theyre far away. but then again, even when we were all on ksa, we still mostly communicated on social media and stuff so it shouldnt matter much i guess. what im trying to say is. despite all the misunderstanding people might have with me, or people actually finding me sweet or whatever. or me not liking them much or wanting them to be my friends or whatever. the thing is, its not that i dont have anyone at all. because i do have people who know me. they dont know every little detail about me though, and thats because i dont talk much to them either. but they know me as a person. like i dont need to kiss their ass to get their attention, i can be myself with them.. i can be mean, and rude, or not keep in touch or act like im full of ego, like im so full of my shit and theyd still accept me. because they know that thats just how i am. im not sugarcoated. 

But.. it still doesnt matter

What im saying is. I prefer sitting alone on my own. doing literally nothing. no phone. no laptop. no means of communication with the outside world OVER actually chatting with anyone. or even someone who knows me so well and is close to me. 

Ok man, i talk a lot! So yeah that’s the thing! but when we were together, i wouldve done anything to not miss a chance to talk to him lol - thats just an easy way to put it out there, that he was different. 

And also putting it out there how my life is right now. I prefer my own company. I dooooo badly wish i had a ‘partner’ though - an ‘eating partner’!!!!!! haha! I really wish i could go to restaurants with someone to try food randomly. But then. idk. i mean its not that easy to find someone who has the same love for food and aso someone whos willing to spend money to try food or someone whod be able to hang out with me. especially i dont even have any good friends in ksa right now Ugh

Another really important reason i dont like talking to people much is the commitment. I hate commitment!!!!!!! And when i say commitment i dont even mean something serious like being in some relationship. i mean.. even the smallest commitment. like when you even knock someone and the person expects you to reply fast. Like okay give me a break! We dint exchange vows or something, yth do i need to reply fast. or whyd you even expect me to reply fast like idk. do people just pause their lives and just talk to other people? bleh Im not even ready for that so yeah! 

buttttttttt then again - with him. it was SO different. but like i said. it was only him!!!!

Something cool was the fact that i had a dream of him the other day. we never met each other f2f after our last conversation, so him in my dream was the first time we met f2f which wasnt actual anyways!!! But!!! I was so full of attitude. Like I could totally see my facial expressions and go like. “Oh God Youuu” to myself! Im usually full of attitude in front of other guys, if i ever am, which is kinda rare. just saying! 

So i read his post about him going to bd and stuff, and i wont even lie about how i totally never like that. but then this time its different obviously. In many ways though. One way to look at it is how i just remembered about the time when he was in bd last year! ~~~ And the award for the roughest of all times goes to!!!! 

Now comes the part were I actually give the reason why I dont blog much! Well tbh i want to blog all the time. But then!!!! Who am i kidding???? Its obviously cause I want him to read my post and blabla so yeah I dont! I mean. I really want to, but i dont. The same way. Forget blogging man. I mean. In this generation, with all these advancements and i say, no barrier at all. If we could decide like two mature adults to stop talking for nothing but good intentions then i sure as hell can keep myself from blogging about every little thing, and keep my shit together, and only blog when my mind and my heart says that i got it in my hands and im not going to screw up! 

and so that would mean that anything i post about, is just a very little, incomplete detail of the entire story and i almost always will sugarcoat it a million times and put it up here! 

but like i said - every thing just ends with me realizing how in love i am with him and as long as that is how it ends, i like it. 

So “losing weight” is like the --aim of my life-- right now. Just that its so boring oh maa gawd - and so i end up watching suits. which is soooooo niiiceeeeee omgg. And i actually love the couple there. Mike & Rachel! - oh and also its kinda funny to me idk why but whenever i see any couple onscreen that i like, my inner me kinda teases me going like “sarah, you loser!!!!!” and then i look down from the screen for a second or two like an actual loser would doo and then yeah i just “laugh it away” - like silently! ~ No hard feelings!

umm.so yeah i was saying. The main thing is losing weight and i want to lose one kg a week WHICH I AM NOT BY THE WAY. so i kind of get sad from time to time and all, and then idk get ok with it, and then sad again and alll that. and then battling myself against food is there. Today though i kind of figured out that if i watch suits while on the treadmill ill kinda stay distracted, and it wont be boring anymore and ill be able to go somewhere i guess. 

so theres around 9 weeks left for uni to open and i wish vacation never ended but yeah lets just face reality. And about my brother, 6 weeks left.   So that means I wna lose around 9 kgs before uni reopens but its smart to kind of plan a bit more than you actually want so that if you dont totally achieve your goal youll still land somewhere good. if you know what i mean. 

Now there is a lot i want to say. SO muchh. But I cant be fooling myself. It would obviously be for him only. So Ill just hold everything back in!!!!!! 

But one thing I want the world to know

Everyone has their own problems and their own imperfection and perfections and whatever. But ever since I had my eyes on him, i knew he was different. infact that is exactly why i liked him in the first place. I dont wna go in depth with this but ill just say it in the simplest way I can. 

When I was with him, yes, I did pray for a fairytale story. But not an actual one. because those dont exist. I had my own modified version of a fairytale ending. And in their, everything was not perfect. Everyone was not perfect. there was pain, there were people who didnt know what they were worth. All I ever wanted is to be the person to be ale to mend hearts, to help someone find their way out from the sufferings, to be a part of someone happiness. And even though we are not together right now. I wish the same. I just wanted it to be through me before. Now it doesnt necessarily need to be, cause it definitely will be coming from Allah both ways inshaAllah. 

I pray he gets to see what I see in him. And what people see in him. And most importantly, what he sees in himself but fails to value at times. 

P.S. My family is excluded from consideration in this post. when i talk about people, i mean everyone else except my family.  --ALSOOOOO-- I just randomly sat down at 5am and decided to blog today and so i sat with my laptops and this is all what flowed outta me! 

A totally random post! 

BUT i do wna mention how the tumblr app on my phone s.u.c.k.s. Cant give notifications properly *&^&%&^$%&%*^(0

Bye c: 

311.

Are you a mean drunk?: not at all. i’m just really loud i guess.

Do you listen to a lot of mainstream music?: not a lot but definitely a good handful.

Do you think you’re pretty?: no.

Have you ever been in a long distance relationship?: no, don’t think i could handle it.

Do you go clubbing?: been there done that. i went a lot when i was 18-20, i still go a couple times a year but i’m so over it.

Have you ever actually read?: yes.

Are you a hopeless romantic?: not really. 

When do you have to wake up tomorrow?: whenever.

Do you think Ludacris is ugly?: no, but i don’t find him attractive.

Do you fit any stereotype?: nah.

Do you associate songs with memories?: yes a lot.

What’s the weather like where you live?: we have all four seasons but summer is a bitch. like sweltering heat hot.

What’s your opinion of Lady Gaga?: i respect her as an artist and i’ve seen her live twice. i’m just not into her stuff like i used to be.

Do you appreciate raunchy humor?: i don’t mind it.

Do you ever listen to Lily Allen?: hardly, but i liked some of her old stuff.

Have you ever been racist?: no.

Have you ever added someone you don’t know on Facebook?: neverrrr. it’s my one rule with fb, if i wouldn’t say hi to them in public then i usually won’t add them as a friend.

Do you make playlists?: yes.

What’s your worst feature?: my arms.

Have you ever kept a diary?: yeah, as a kid.

Do you actually use your calendar?: i’ve been starting to recently coz i have a lot of shit on.

Do you have dirty pictures in your phone?: no.

Have you ever looked up porn on the internet?: yeah i did when i was younger lol.

Are you an angry person?: not really, i get annoyed easier than angry.

Are you close with your family?: yeah.

What kind of music do you listen to when you’re sad?: upbeat stuff actually.

Do you like hippie jewlery?: my first job was at a ‘hippie’ clothing/jewellery store. it’s not my thing but i do appreciate it.

Have you ever used the word “groovy”?: no.

What are your grades like?: not in school but they were decent. 

Have you ever watched the original british skins?: maybe the first season. totally forgot what happens in it though.

Do you like oreos?: yes.

Have you ever had a sex dream about someone you barely know?: yeah i have. like an actual stranger.

Were you a cute baby?: um, yes haha.

Do you ever listen to angry girl music?: What is it? i don’t think i do.

Would you ever shoot someone right in the face?: only if i were inches away from dying because of them.

Have you ever sold drugs?: no.

What color are your headphones?: white.

What are you like first thing in the morning?: pretty grumpy unless i’ve had enough sleep. 

Do you get crazy sex hair?: nah.

Do you download your music illegally?: i used to all throughout high school, but now i use apple music.

Have you ever crashed a wedding?: no.

Were you a blink 182 fan back in the day?: nah.

Were you ugly in middle school?: yep.

Have you ever been to Boulder Colorado?: no.

Do you rage against conformity?: no.

Have you ever yelled at a self check out machine?: no.

Have you ever been shot?: no.

Is everything going to be okay?: i hope so.

Are you stoned right now?: no.

Do you listen to Sublime?: no.

Has someone ever understood you more than your understood yourself?: sorta/ 

Are you on good terms with your parents?: yes.

Have you ever written a letter to Santa just for kicks?: as a kid yes.

Do some people have way too much time on their hands?: haha for sure.

Do you ever drink 5 hour energy shots?: i’ve tried them before. probably wouldn’t have them again.

Does country music ever make you cry?: no.

Have you ever had a moment so wonderful it felt like magic?: yeah i guess.

Have you ever snorted pixie sticks?: no.

Are you okay on your own?: i guess but i prefer having my boyfriend, family and friends around.

Does your face twitch when you’re about to cry?: no.

If heaven and hell are real, which one are you going to?: hopefully heaven.

Have you ever had a premonition?: no.

Did you ever try cutting yourself?: no.

Do empty streets creep you out?: only at night.

Have you ever seen your dad cry?: yeah once. i never wna see that again.

What’s the last concert you went to?: the weeknd.

Have you ever gotten sick of talking about yourself?: haha no.

Could you ever be a therapist?: probably not. it really frustrates me when people don’t take my advice.

Have you ever made yourself throw up?: yeah coz i felt sick.

Do you know someone who looks like one of the beach boys?: no.

Are your nails currently painted pink or purple?: dark purple.

Do you adore mini sticky notes?: no.

Do you have bad short term memory? hmm my memory is generally good.

What’s a song that will always give you the chills?: idk.

Have you had any major tragedies in your life?: yeah, mainly losing all my grandparents.

What do you think of open casket funerals?: it’s fair enough but i don’t think i’ll look into anyone’s anymore. i don’t want to remember them in that way.

Are you bad at spelling?: no.

Have you ever had a pet rat?: no.

What do you binge on?: netflix shows.

Do you want a cigarette right now?: no. 

Can you shake your ass?: well i guess i could.

Do you know someone named Dick?: no.

Do you have a childish sense of humor?: not really.

Do you like free samples?: hell yeah!

Are you a coupon fiend?: no, i never find any good ones.

Who would you love to be with right now?: my boyfriend.

Could you go a year without sex?: probably.

Are you wearing any rings?: no.

Are you homophobic?: no.

Do spiders make you jump around and squeal like a little girl?: nah. unless it’s absolutely huge.

Are you a sexist pig?: no.

Have you screamed at anyone in the past week?: no.

Do you have road rage?: yes.

Have you ever made yourself look like a fool for love?: hopefully not.

Did you ever see the harry potter movies on opening night?: nah.

Could you ever eat a worm?: i only would for money.

Do you have low self esteem?: yes.

When you hang out with someone a lot do you start to pick up their habits?: haha yeah, i can’t deny that.

Have you ever called your mom a bitch?: no.

Do you have a cute laugh?: haha no.

Do you write on your arms/hands?: no.

Do you believe that you can get ink poisoning from that?: no idea.

Do you think you’re gonna sleep okay tonight?: hopefully.

258.

A – Accidents

01. Have you ever been in a car accident? never. *touchwood* 02. Do you have a lot of scars? no. 03. Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone? nope. 04. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake? nope. 05. Have you ever had stitches? Where? on my hand i believe.

B – Beauty

06. Do you consider yourself beautiful? no. 07. Are you self conscious of how you look? yes. 08. Do you put on a lot of makeup? not a lot, but i do wear makeup whenever i go out. 09. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery? no. 10. What do you think makes a person beautiful? their spirit and personality.

C – Consequences

11. What was the longest amount of time you’ve been grounded for? i don’t remember ever being grounded lol. 12. What would you do if you got pregnant, keep it or have an abortion? i’d keep it. 13. Do you ever think about how your actions affect other people? not usually. 14. What do you think is the worst punishment someone could give you? making me never see my loved ones ever again. 15. What is one thing you wish you didn’t do, just because it wasn’t worth it in the end? start working for my current job four years ago.

D – Dealing

16. When you are mad at someone, how do you show them? i’ll tell them or ignore them. 17. Name a time when you had to be strong. when my parents separated. 18. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting? Any kind of abuse at home? my parents had a lot of verbal arguments before they broke up, thankfully no abuse. 19. When people at school don’t accept you, or have problems with you, how do you react? i don’t go to school. 20. Have you ever lost someone to death? Explain how you got through it. yes, i’ve lost all my grandparents. some were harder than others. you just gotta cry it out, remember the good times and think of them.

E – Experience

21. Have you ever had a job? Any volunteer jobs? yes. 22. Do you think that you are sexually experienced, or not at all? i’ experienced enough i guess. 23. Have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far? i’ve gone through a lot but i’ve pretty much swept things under the rug. 24. Do you think you are ready to be on your own (have your own home, job, etc.)? not yet. i need to find another job first. 25. How old do you act? my age.

F – Family

26. Is there anyone in your family you don’t talk to? Why? i talk to everyone in my immediate family. 27. If you had to choose, family or friends? family. 28. Can you tell your parents or one of your parents anything? if i had to, yes. 29. Do you have any siblings? If so, do you ever get jealous of them? yes, a younger sister. not jealous of her, we’re at very different stages of our lives. 30. How often do you spend ‘quality time’ with family members? every week.

G – Growing

31. How tall are you? How tall do you wish you were? 5′4″. i’m happy with it i guess. i could do with a couple more inches but i’m not fussed. 32. Do you think that you have grown more in the past year than any year before that? no. 33. As a person, do you think you are mature for your age or still act childish? somewhere in the middle. 34. Are you scared to think that one day you will turn 30, then 40, then 50? not really scared of it anymore. as long as i have my shit together. 35. Do you believe you still have a lot to learn? of course.

H – Hope

36. Love – real or not? real. 37. Are you a pessimist of an optimist? realist. 38. Do you believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason, or do you think that our actions lead the way?  honestly our actions lead the way. 39. Do you think that after we die our spirit is still alive? no idea. 40. What gives you hope when you just feel like dying? there’s always tomorrow.

I – Issues

41. Do you suffer from depression or constant sadness/loneliness? no. 42. Do you have any type of disease or disability? no. 43. Are you currently in a hard relationship or have bad luck with the opposite sex? neither. 44. Do you think that you are alone in this world? no. 45. How often do you think about death, suicide or running away? never.

J – Jokes

46. Say a word or phrase that would not be funny to anyone but you & one of your friends (an inside joke) millus. 47. Are you usually the one who makes people laugh,Or the other way around? a bit of both tbh. 48. Do you cry when you laugh hard? not all the time, but it’s happened. 49. Write down a hilarious moment you had with someone that makes you laugh to this day! i’m good lol. 50. Do you ever get in trouble for laughing or talking a lot during class? it’s been years since i’ve been in class.

K – Knowledge

51. The purpose of school: to learn, to cause trouble or to hang out with friends? all of them. 52. Do people refer to you as smart, dumb, or average? smart but i’m far from it. 53. What was the highest grade you have received (full course mark) ever? i’ve received full marks before, during early high school days. it continually got worse after lol. 54. What was your last average? This year would you like to maintain it or aim higher? idk haha. it’s been years. 55. What do you find the most interesting subject to be (to study or to talk about)? art.

L – Love

56. Are you currently in love? If not, have you been before? yes. 57. Do people around you show you a lot of love (tell you they love you, hug you, kiss you, etc.)? yes. 58. Is love worth it? most of the time. 59. Do you hate it when girls in their young teenage years say they ‘love’ someone that they’ve been dating for a few months? haha i never hear it so i don’t care. 60. Does it take a lot for you to say you love someone, or is it just a word? it takes a lot.

M – Money

61. Do you believe that money makes the world go round? in some ways, yes. 62. Is your family on the poor side, average, or above average when it comes to money? average. 63. Are you saving up for college/university, or planning to? i’ve finished college. 64. Would you rather win millions of dollars & be set for life, or find the perfect person to marry & start a family with? find the perfect person. 65. On a scale of 1-10, how important is money to you? 7.

N – Naughty

66. Are you a virgin? no. 67. What do you think about doing sexual things with someone you’re not going out with? it’s fine as long as you’re not cheating. 68. Do you know anybody you consider a ’slut’? What makes you say that? no. 69. If you could, would you erase some things you did in the past or make it so you did more? neither. 70. Do you consider yourself more nice or more naughty? You can’t say both! more nice lol.

O – Openness

71. How long does it take for you to open up to someone? quite awhile. 72. What does it take for you to fully trust someone? just building up a good relationship, being open with one another etc. 73. Are you generally untrusting towards people because of past experiences, or any other reason? i’m untrusting towards people i don’t know. 74. When are you comfortable with someone sexually? idk, you just know i guess. 75. When it comes to parents and close friends, what’s the limit of what you can tell them? not fussed.

P – Positive

76. Have you ever had an experience with someone that didn’t necessarily end positively? If so, would you rather erase the memory of that person because of

the sad times or keep the memory of that person because of the good times? keep the memory of the person because of the good times. 77. Do you agree with the saying: better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all? haha idk. i don’t wna even imagine losing someone i love. 78. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic? What do you try to be? i’m a realist. 79. Do you agree that something good can come out of everything? not always. 80. Have you ever had a time where something really bad happened, but something really good happened because of it? If so, please explain what it was: no.

Q – Questions

81. When faced with a problem, do you ask for help or try to figure it out yourself? i’ll try figure it out myself first. 82. Do you often question the world and how we came about? What are some things you would like to know about creation? i don’t question it at all. 83. Do you think the government is truthful? If you could ask the president one question, what would it be? let’s be real, probably not. 84. When someone does something wrong to you, do you confront them and ask them why they did it or just let it go? i’ll confront them. unless it’s not worth going into. 85. What is one unsolved mystery about the world that you want answers to? idk.

R – Respect

86. How do you show respect? use manners, be polite. 87. What can someone do for you to lose all respect for them? do something intentionally bad to me for no good reason. 88. Do you respect your teachers, parents, and other authority figures? yes. 89. When you are disrespectful to your parents, what is the punishment? i’m hardly disrespectful. 90. If someone is mean to you, are you mean back or do you kill them with kindness? i’ll be mean back.

S – School

91. If you are still in school, what grade will you be going into? - 92. When will you graduate high school/college? - 93. After high school, what did you do/are you planning to do? - 94. Do you like or hate school? What do you like/hate about it? - 95. Have you ever been suspended, expelled, or dropped out of school? no.

T – Temptation

96. Have you ever done something wrong, knowing it was wrong, because something inside of you said it was okay? yep. 97. Has anyone ever pressured you to smoke or drink? Did you do it? no. i just decided to do it myself. 98. Did you ever cheat on someone? Why did you do it? nope. 99. Did you ever want to do something sexual with someone you didn’t really know or love? What did you end up doing? no. 100. Do you give in to temptation easily, or are you more independent and strong willed? i’ll make up my mind myself.

U – Unique

102. Do you do a lot of things because your friends are doing it? no. 103. Do you follow trends, wear whatever you want, or wear really unique pieces? wear whatever i want. usually boring shit. 104. Do you give in easily to peer pressure? Do you do things such as smoke, drink, or have casual sex? hardly ever. 105. What makes you different from people your age? i’m over the whole partying thing. i’ve had my time.

V – Value

106. What’s the most expensive thing in your room? probably my macbook or camera. 107. What’s more valuable: your life or the lives of your loved ones? Would you sacrifice your life for other people? yeah i’d sacrifice my life for my family. 108. What is something you value not because it cost a lot, but because it means a lot to you? anything that’s been given to me by family. 109. If there was a fire in your house/apartment, what is the first thing you would grab? my handbag and laptop. and my dog. 110. Do you think past memories and experiences are more valuable than what could possibly happen in the future? they’re about the same.

W – Wishes

111. If you had three wishes, what would they be? unlimited money, health and happiness for me and my family. 112. Would you rather wish yourself to be happy, or your loved ones? my loved ones. 113. Do you believe that wishes come true if you really believe in them? haha no. you gotta make it happen yourself if anything. 114. Have you ever had a wish come true? If so, what was that wish? no. 115. Do you find wishing for things a waste of time because everything that’s meant to happen, will happen? more like, you have to make it happen yourself.

Y – You

121. Are you more independent or social? independent these days. 122. What is something that makes you very mad when you see it? acts of terrorism. 123. Do you think that you have potential to do great things? hopefully. 124. Do you think people are born a certain way, or develop their personalities based on what they go through in life? definitely nurture over nature. 125. Do you think people are generally good ? i feel as though everyone is born good.

Z – Zest

126. Are you currently happy with your life? Why or why not? no, i should have a more stable job tbh. 127. Do you go on FacebookCraze.com to get facebook survey’s and quizzes like this one? no. 128. When change occurs, do you get scared or are you excited for it? scared always, but i push to be excited for it. 129. Do you like to try new things, meet new people? i hate meeting new people. 130. What is the most motivational thing in the world? idk.