Hello I’m back and I want to be thin again

17th November 2023

When I told my mum I didn’t know what to have for dinner she’d reply, “Have a piece of toast” as if it is the most obvious answer in the world. I stand up for myself, I tell her that’s not a meal and she shrugs.

Suddenly I am twelve again, thinking it’s normal that mothers don’t eat dinner. Then I am twenty hearing that we don’t have to have dinner because lunch was so big. My mother acts as though she doesn’t understand my disordered eating when she knows it better than I do.

We laugh it off as though no real consequences have come from her cavalier approach to food when deep down, we truly know how much it destroyed her only daughter.

I wish she had never put these ideas in my head.

Hmmm

I ℎ𝑎𝑡𝑒 my waist.

craving coffee so bad rn

I will weigh myself every day until I reach 40kg!

Pls ana need you'r help

I want fuzzy sweaters to engulf me this fall

I want them to barely hang off of my boney shoulders and exposed collarbones

I want the sleeves to be baggy enough to fit two more of my arms without having to get larger sizes

Is that too much to ask?

I just made this and thought someone else might relate tbh 🥴

bruh just give me skinny already

the severely mentally ill urge to date someone equally mentally ill or with the same illnesses so i get worse just from being with them

but why am i not skinny

guys please, please recognize that ALL ana coaches are full of BS. none of them have your best interest at heart. please don’t seek them out, please don’t accept their offer of “help” if they dm you, and please don’t send them pictures of yourself. this is serious and dangerous. they are all creeps, every single one of them. anyone actively looking to further your mental illness and receive pictures from you is not someone you should be in contact with. please be careful.

14th September 2023

I hate that writing does not come as naturally to me when I am not in a state of mental anguish. It's like any creative inspiration that I can conjure up can only be attributed to pain and suffering.

I re-read my posts, only to feel helplessly frustrated at my ability to articulate the torment that existed when my mind and body were at war with each other.

There was no part of my relapse or recovery that I feel were romanticised, and yet there is a big part of me that is envious of that version of me. It's weird, surely? To miss that 2D version of myself: hollow and trite. My life is more full than it has ever been and yet I still crave the thrill of self-destruction. I miss the perception I had that I simply did not exist in the world around me. That everything happening was happening to an alternate version of myself, a fictitious character whose story would end with a neat, closing chapter.

I am very aware of how sick I was; how my body was cannibalising the grey matter in my brain. There is no neat ending, the ball of wool continues to unravel for the rest of our lives, and beyond that.

Lookin‘ good today!!

When you hurt your rib and the paramedics come and your friend just stands in the corner body checking her ribs

My seizures have returned, I have lost 4.7kg out of 50 to lose, I am looking for support. I don't want to be a fat girl anymore...

I don’t just want to be skinny

I want to be low-rise-jeans-and-a-crop-top-while-sitting-down skinny