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#anger is such an uncomfortable emotion for me
suzukiblu · 2 days
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WIP excerpt for tabetharasa behind the cut; alpha Jazz, a dark alley, and a very pretty omega. ( + non-chrono link for mobile users )
Jazz has no idea why Red Hood thinks he smells anything but delicious, but there’s a very reckless and dubiously-ethical part of her that would be willing to prove it to him. Not that she would, obviously, because that would be, again, incredibly unethical and highly inappropriate and also a total dick move. 
She just could, that’s all. Just if it came up or whatever. 
“Well, it’s not,” she says, mildly put out by whatever’s going on here, and Red Hood growls. His scent blockers continue to be useless. Just–absolutely useless, yes. 
Ancients, he smells so good. What is she even supposed to do about how good this omega smells? 
Maybe offer to walk him home, or at least offer him her jacket so he has enough alpha scent on him that no one bothers him on his way back to his den. Although he’s a crime lord–or a vigilante? one or the other, whatever–who’s built like a truck, so that probably isn’t really a concern, she supposes. 
Then again, some people seriously do have no sense of decorum. 
Or survival instincts. 
“Shut the fuck up!” Red Hood snaps. Jazz frowns. That seems like a disproportionate amount of anger in his tone. Maybe he's sensitive about his pheromones. Well, if people have been telling him he smells like death . . . 
Though “death” doesn't necessarily smell bad, in Jazz's opinion. 
Admittedly, that's a liminal's opinion and besides the point anyway. But still. 
“Alright,” she says. “But can you get to your den safely? Or . . . somewhere you can den down, anyway, I don't know. I assume you have a headquarters or a safehouse or two, something like that. Or at least can afford a heat hotel or know a decent clinic.” 
Red Hood hisses at her. It crackles through his modulator, but the sound of it still makes her jeans a little . . . uncomfortable, she'll just say. Sue her, she likes omegas with a bite to them. Johnny 13 definitely didn't win her over by being the sweet and polite type; he won her over by being a blunt asshole in a leather jacket who'd convinced her that he was a sincere and straight-up person. 
She wonders how “sincere” the average Gotham crime boss really is, but it’s a little difficult to concentrate on that question with the scent of old books and burning cedar filling up her nose. And also that note of lilac. That note of lilac is a problem. 
A serious problem. 
“I realize heat drop is probably imminent and you must be uncomfortable, but it’s a valid concern on my part, given your condition,” she says, which normally she’d make sound politely disapproving but really can’t make sound any kind of disapproving right now. Again: the lilac. “So can you?” 
“Fuck makes you think I'd let you anywhere near my den?” Red Hood snarls. Jazz blinks; tilts her head. 
“Nothing,” she says. “What makes you think I was asking to go anywhere near it?” 
Red Hood–stalls, briefly. Jazz tries to be polite about how incredibly obvious a tell that statement was. 
Flattering, but incredibly obvious. 
“I mean, I'd be happy to escort you if you’d like,” she says. “Or lend you my scent, if you need it. But I'm not trying to presume anything.” 
“Fuck off,” Red Hood snarls. “Nobody escorts an omega like me.” 
“Do you think maybe you have some self-esteem issues?” Jazz asks. Heat is almost definitely making him a bit more volatile and emotional than normal, considering the kinds of things he’s been saying to her, but it still seems like a valid question. Being on their cycle doesn’t make people different people; just makes it a bit harder for them to censor and control themselves. 
Or a lot harder, sometimes. 
Judging by how strong Red Hood’s pheromones smell right now . . . 
Well, he might be having a harder time than he’s used to having, so far as “controlling himself” goes. 
Jazz certainly is, all inappropriate knotheaded puns aside. 
Do Poison Ivy’s pollens make cycles hit harder, actually? Or does the suddenness of the effect disorient or throw people off, maybe? 
Well, that’s a worrying thought, since Red Hood seems to be out here alone. 
“‘Self-esteem issues’?” Red Hood repeats incredulously, his pheromones briefly sparking with bewilderment. Jazz decides not to press it, since he might be feeling a little vulnerable right now. 
“Yes,” she says. “Is there someone you can call, if you don’t want an escort or to borrow my scent? I could wait with you until they show. No offense, just Park Row’s not a very nice neighborhood.” 
Red Hood laughs. 
“No fucking shit!” he says, spreading his arms. “It’s Crime Alley!” 
“I know, sorry, I just keep accidentally calling it ‘Park Row’ in my head. Still new in town,” Jazz apologizes. She assumes a crime lord would prefer his territory be correctly referred to, anyway. Seems like a thing. She knows standard humans don’t actually have haunts–even most liminal ones don’t, including her–but sometimes she does . . . well, not forget, exactly, but just . . . expect them to anyway, she supposes? 
She spent way too long in Amity, yes. 
Even without Crime Alley being Red Hood’s actual haunt, though, it’s still disrespectful to call it the wrong name. It’s still his territory either way, and she imagines someone on their cycle especially wouldn’t appreciate the mistake. 
“What is your damage?” Red Hood snarls, his voice modulator crackling threateningly as he visibly bristles, and Jazz catches notes of that electric and unexpected edge in his pheromones again. Still vaguely familiar, but still not quite what it seems like it should be. Just . . . 
Really, if she didn’t know better . . . well, she’d think he was liminal. But that seems like a very unlikely coincidence for her first week in Gotham, so . . . 
Then again, her life is her life. 
It’s not really the time to be asking Red Hood about his levels of ecto exposure, though, and she’s pretty sure they’ve both got more important priorities right now. 
“We don’t really have time to unpack all that, to be honest. You really do need to get home,” she says. “Or at least call someone to pick you up. If you go into heat drop alone in Crime Alley, I can’t imagine it’s going to end well.” 
Red Hood hisses. That might’ve sounded like a threat, Jazz realizes belatedly. 
“I didn’t mean it like that,” she says, apologetic again. “But it’s not safe, is it?” 
“If anyone I don’t want near my ass tries to touch me, I’ll put a bullet up theirs,” Red Hood growls, low and crackling. 
“That seems like a lot of trouble when you’re on your cycle, though,” Jazz says. He’d have a body to deal with, and maybe someone would call the cops–well, she supposes it is Crime Alley, so maybe not . . .? But it’d be self-defense anyway, and if he is a crime lord, maybe he has people for that. 
Hm. 
She really needs to get familiar with this area as soon as possible, yeah. And just Gotham in general, really. Every city has its own idiosyncrasies, but Gotham is its idiosyncrasies. 
Well, so is Amity Park, of course. 
“I think you belong in Arkham, lady,” Red Hood says. Jazz feels like a Gothamite should be more understanding of someone taking supervillain attack side effects and hostile heated-up crime lords in stride, but apparently not. 
“Technically, you’re not wrong,” she says with a wry smile. She’d offer him a handshake, but that’s not really appropriate for an alpha to offer to an omega in heat. Especially not an unmated alpha, which Jazz very definitely is. “I start Monday. Jazz Fenton, psychiatric intern. At your service.”
Red Hood manages to very clearly stare at her without actually taking off the helmet. It's actually an impressive amount of expressiveness to get across, under the circumstances. 
Or there could be a touch of liminal empathy happening, admittedly. That's possible too. Especially with another liminal involved. 
Jazz briefly considers what knotting a liminal omega might actually be like if an empathy loop got established somewhere in the process, which is a lie, because what she’s actually imagining is picking up this liminal omega and showing him exactly how delicious she thinks he smells. 
Definitely inappropriate. 
“They will literally eat you alive,” Red Hood says. 
“I mean, there’s a risk of it,” Jazz allows, because nothing is a perfect guarantee. It’s just not a very large risk. Comparatively, she means. 
“You applied to Arkham on purpose, lady?” Red Hood says disbelievingly. 
“Oh, no,” Jazz says, shaking her head. “They made me an offer. Somebody read my thesis and liked it, apparently.” 
Well . . . “thought we should interview you for either a position or to have your file established for whenever the convictions start rolling in”, whichever. The interviewing psychiatrists had a range of reactions during her interview, she supposes is the best way to put it. 
Jazz really doesn’t think it’s fair to classify her parents as actual supervillains, but an increasingly long list of professionals has, admittedly, not agreed with that assessment. 
She can’t imagine what they would’ve thought if she’d told them about Danny, considering. 
Well, it’s not her problem if someone else is going to be close-minded about things like that. 
“I’m sorry, I’m really not trying to be pushy here, but are you sure you don’t want to call anyone? Or want my scent. Or . . . literally anything,” she says, gesturing a little awkwardly with her shopping bags. “I do get told my pheromones are pretty discouraging to unwanted attention, if that helps?” 
“Sure they are,” Red Hood snorts. Jazz tries not to look disapproving, given his compromised state. That kind of thing can bother omegas in heat, she knows. 
“That’s what people tell me,” is all she says. Obviously it’s not just the default parts of her scent that make it a strong deterrent, but as for the force of the emotions and claim she can put into it . . . 
Well. She just hears it’s “discouraging” to other alphas pretty regularly, that’s all. And also some betas, depending on their sexuality. And, um . . . well, a little closer to “catnip”, for omegas, but . . . 
“I’ll believe it when I smell it, knothead,” Red Hood snorts again. “Prove it.” 
Jazz isn’t sure that’s a good idea, considering–again–his compromised state, but, well . . . he’s clearly a strong omega himself, and maybe she’s a little miffed by him just assuming she’s lying about something like that, that’s all. She knows plenty of alphas do lie about their pheromones or even lay on fake ones, but . . . well, it’s hard not to wonder if he just thinks she’s a lesser alpha because she’s female, or because of how she’s dressed or looks or speaks, or just because. 
Her inner alpha doesn’t love the experience of one of the most gorgeous-smelling omegas she’s ever scented sneering at her worth as an alpha without even giving her a shot to prove it, either way. 
“Are you sure?” she asks.
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blixssily · 2 days
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"i love you, it's ruining my life."
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| being bailed out by your ex is sure to bring back lingering feelings, no?
| dazai osamu x reader
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˓ ꒱ notes and disclaimers: pm!reader and ada!dazai. dazai is reader's ex lover from the port mafia. gn reader. reader and dazai are both in their 20s. incorrect jail description. not proof read, apologies for any grammatical mistakes! might be incredibly ooc and might contain wrong information about the port mafia, apologies for both.
˓ ꒱ authors notes: in light of taylor swift's new album coming out, i'm trying my hand at writing for dazai!! i'm bad at writing angst so please bare with me. :(
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the cold metal confinements are tight around wrists, the officers must've cuffed you a tiny bit too tightly you think. the blank grey walls of your prison are as uninspiring as your thoughts, you can't even find it in yourself to even try to escape from jail. to the majority of the members in the Port Mafia, crime was almost always a guarantee during missions. treading the lines of the law was a common thing, most missions included breaking those precious regulations. it was almost like the law had just become mere suggestions, guidance that you could choose to follow or not.
and sadly for you, the hands of the law had finally caught up with you this time, confining you into a bland concrete box. you were currently sitting on the bed that came with every little cell. not even sitting on it was comfortable, much less laying down on it. despite how uncomfortable the bed was, it would be quiet a pathetic sight for a Port Mafia executive to be sitting on the floor and just staring at the wall so you decided against it.
normally whenever you were unlucky enough to have been caught by the law, someone from the Port Mafia would bail you out, namely Mori or maybe some other executive. you weren't too surprised when an officer informed you that you had been bailed out, preparing your usual apology and to listen through a few lectures from whoever bailed you out on to be more careful during missions.
you're escorted out of your little concrete box, you wonder if the officer is going to remove the hand cuffs around your wrists. you follow the officer down the prison hallway, thankful to not be sitting on that god awful bed that you could've sworn was just a rock with a blanket draped over it. you're expecting to be met with a very displeased boss, preparing your apology for your clumsiness in being caught when.. you don't see him at all. in fact, you see someone you thought you'd never see again.
he looks.. different. he's grown taller, you're sure of it. he's been ridden of his usual black trench coat you always saw him in, his right eye and cheek no longer being covered by the fabric of gauze. instead, he's wearing a tan trench coat now, a bolo tie replacing his usual tie when he was in the Port Mafia. his hair messy and curly, not that it was ever neat, god no. you stare at the absence of bandages around his right eye and cheek, revealing his complete face and you can't help but mentally kick yourself for staring a little longer than necessary.
and suddenly, you become hyper aware of the sinking feeling in your stomach. it makes you sick to look at him, sick that your brain subconsciously forces you to relive your shared memories together. you avert your gaze down to the grey grounds of the prison lobby, unable to meet his gaze without glaring bitterly at him. your ex had apparently bailed you out of jail. your ex boyfriend from years ago when you both were in the Port Mafia. a cocky little smirk adorned his features, maybe he hasn't changed that much in some ways.
you find it in yourself to look up at him, emotions brewing behind your eyes. anger, confusion.. mostly anger, and yet you find it in your heart to feel relief at that fact that he's alright. that's he's not harmed. he had up and left without a word, not even a goodbye to you. you worried for him days on end, calling and texting but to no avail which ended up in you just calling it a breakup, calling him your ex boyfriend. despite the relief, it's minuscule in terms of your anger towards the man you once loved. you glare at him, glare at his stupid cocky smirk and how he seems like he doesn't even care about the history between you two. it's like nothing ever happened between the both of you.
"you're the one who bailed me out? what is this, some sick game you've decided to play?" you scoff at him, there was no way he just.. decided to bail out a Port Mafia executive out of the goodness of his heart, no.. no no no. that couldn't be true. "shame, not even a thank you?" you roll your eyes at his feigned sigh of disappointment. an officer releases your wrists from the metal confinements, red mark were already formed on your wrist. you bring your hands to your wrists, trying to soothe your irritated skin from how tight the hand cuffs were. you don't realise the look in his eyes, the slight change in his expression when he noticed the marks on your wrists. he doesn't like seeing you hurt, he absolutely hates seeing you in pain even if it's a mere scratch or.. in this situation, marks from a police officer's hand cuffs.
"come on now, the least you could do is thank me." he says with another cocky smile, you wish you could just slap it off his face but something tells you that he wouldn't exactly be ecstatic with you slapping his face in a police station.
"what do you want?" you snapped, not in any mood to be dealing with his teasing words accompanied by his usual shit-eating grin. he couldn't have bailed you out for fun, or for some sentimental reason. he wanted something, there was also a price when it came to him. "ah, how harsh! you're breaking my heart here.." the asshole has the gull to even jokingly suggest something like that.
"nothing much, really. just thought i'd help out an old friend." he hums, and you don't know if his words only spark a new flame of anger inside of you or if it wrenches your heart. the fact that he would consider you an "old friend", when you were his literal partner when you both were teenagers.
"an old friend? be a man you asshole, own up to who you broke up with." he doesn't answer, as expected. you're not sure whether you'd even prefer a response from him or just silence.
"let's talk, hm? maybe somewhere else?" he suggests after some time, calmly putting his hands into the pockets of his tan coat. you notice the slight change in expression in his face, you've spent years trying to practically decode this man and it only added to his amusement when you both were teenagers. now, you're thankful you took the time to observe him. you don't know exactly what he wants to talk about but, you know it's something serious.
"fine." you begrudgingly agree to him, sighing as you notice him leaving without another word and you know that's your queue to follow him. you don't know what you were expecting from the bandaged man, but he leads you to a little café. you raise an eyebrow at him when you two reach the front door, not exactly expecting him to take you to a cute little café that sells pastries and drinks. he meets your suspicions gaze with an innocent smile, urging you to step inside before him. what a gentleman. you step inside the humble establishment, greeted with a friendly smile by the cashier before settling into a seat near the back. he sits opposite you, it's almost as if he's treating this like you're his friend and you both are just going for lunch.
"so? you never answered my question." you reminded him, crossing your arms as you lean back on the plush backing of the seats. "what do you want, dazai." it hurts him the way you say his name, his surname. you never did that when you both were together, he liked being addressed as 'osamu' or 'samu' by you, it feels like salt being rubbed into the wound when you call him by his surname.
"oh? i'm deciding whether to get the latte or..." he trails off, noticing the most unamused expression ever on your face. he chuckles at the sight, shaking his head. "i'm only joking." he hums, stopping his little act at looking at the menu on the table. "i.. wanted to see how you were doing, is all." he shrugs, not really having a good explanation for bringing you to this cafe or hell, even bailing you out of jail. "i mean no harm by doing any of this, truly." he adds on before you get to question him, knowing what you were just about to ask him.
did he really mean that? that he wanted to just.. talk? you don't know what you should reply with, as a Port Mafia executive you should've killed him by now for being a traitor, but as his ex.. you're not sure what to feel. truthfully, sure you were pissed off at him for leaving without a word but you just couldn't find it in yourself to hate the man.
"fine, one hour."
"oh come on, two?" he pouts childishly, a sight you hadn't seen for awhile.
"one hour and a half. make it quick." you relent once again, it seemed like he still had the ability to make you soften up to him.
and so with that, you two proceed to awkwardly choose out your drinks for the time being while at the café and try your hands at small talk. it was.. incredibly awkward between the both of you, undoubtedly it was a little weird to even talk about work since well.. him being a Detective at the ADA and with you being a Port Mafia executive, what was there to talk about? it's weird to be so stiff with someone you used to be so comfortable with, you used to be able to talk about anything when you were younger but now it's just.. not the same.
while you two were talking, your phone screen lit up. some message from another Port Mafia member came up, said something about it being urgent. "i.. have to go, it's important." you looked up from your phone to face him, rolling your eyes at the tiny little pout that graced his lips. "a shame, maybe next time?" he suggests, hoping to have another time to talk with you again. you get the feel he misses you dearly.
"maybe." you shrug, standing up from your seat. you slid a napkin over to him, pointing to the corner of your mouth to signal to him that he had something on his. he mutters a small 'thank you', a tiny bit embarrassed that he might indeed have something on the corner of his mouth. as you leave, he uses his phone to check his appearance and.. there wasn't anything there? he thinks it might just be a silly little prank on your end to tease him after so long, he mindlessly flips the napkin in his hands as he puts his phone down.
in the corner of his eye, he noticed some.. writing on the napkin. your... number? you had changed your phone number some time after he left and now, you had given him your current one! it meant that you at least weren't that mad at him after so long, and that you at least wanted to stay in contact with him.
he decides to text you, just in case you decide to change your mind in the mean time of your separation.
your phone lights up as you made your way down the street.
[unknown number, 3:46 p.m ➜ you] "same place, friday?"
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arlo-venn · 2 years
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Guess what! I got food stamps back!
Literally the only way we were able to make this happen is by finding out that one of Tyrell’s friends works for job and family services– so she was able to arrange some phone calls for us and got me through! So food for Remy is now covered for a while :’) 🥳
But we could really use some help with a bag of Arlo food ($15-$40ish size depending), and I’m 6 days late on my $80 monthly doctor bill. Arlo’s held over for now but it’s running low.
It’ll still be a couple of weeks before this litter of rats is ready to be homed. Tyrell’s been out of work herself this week healing from an injury so it���s a little harder for her to help this month. If you can spare any, ... 🙏🏼 Venmo: @remywolfe CashApp: $remywolfe PayPal: [email protected] or paypal.me/wolfstephollow ApplePay: 4805199559 kofi: ko-fi.com/remywolfe
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ickypuppi3 · 1 year
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wildmelon · 7 days
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isn't it interesting which characters/ocs you fixate on based on what you're going through...
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bonefall · 9 months
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how do you get yourself to write about such upsetting topics (mainly the fascism/bigotry) without getting upset yourself?
Oh, but I do get upset. I don't write like a detached, passive observer. The trick isn't to not get angry at all, it's to channel it into something constructive.
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pebblezone · 1 year
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🧍‍♂️
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orcelito · 26 days
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Having lost my cat, my uncle, my great grandmother, my grandma's best friend (& one of the people who helped raise me), AND my dad all within the span of 9 months,
I have little sympathy for people who use deaths as an excuse to be an asshole. I get it, it sucks. Get the fuck over it. Your grief is not an excuse to treat others like shit. What the fuck.
#speculation nation#this isnt anything personal. im just reacting to a post that kind of pissed me off.#to be fair i was never close with my great grandmother so im not particularly broken up about that one#but it's still yet another death in the family within such a short period of time.#my cat is on this list bc he was the first one and it majorly fucked me up. so yeah it deserves to be here.#the others. well. my grandma's best friend makes me sad but at least she was getting up in years#my uncle and dad though. especially my dad. yea those have fucked me up the most.#im never gonna be the same after experiencing all of this in such short succession.#it sucks in a major way. and things are still continuously tumultuous.#but you dont see me lording it over people and using it as an excuse to be an asshole.#maybe i make people uncomfortable with how casually i mention it. but like whatever. it's simply my truth.#that's still just like. me just talking about what ive been up to. that kind of thing.#idk acting like someone needs to be treated with the most tender of touches after experiencing a major death#to the point where you cant even tell them when theyre being a manipulative little asshole?#i dont fucking think so!#yeah okay all grief hits different but ive pulled myself up by the bootstraps and kept my head on straight#even after i experienced death after death after death after death after Fucking Death#whats your excuse? youre Sad? we all fucking are. thats just life.#it's horrible and awful and it sucks that we have to live with this but you CANT let that affect how you treat other people!!!!!#and here i am making my own post venting about it instead of replying to the aita post that sparked this#bc the person the post was about just made me so angry to hear about.#but i am... a reasonable adult who separates themselves from situations before reacting in anger...#and so im making a tumblr post to get the emotions out instead of getting emotional at random strangers lol#anyways i actually had a pretty good day today. but in the way of grief. the smallest things can trigger moods sometimes.#but i am letting the emotions flow... here they are... i have expressed them... and i shall now release them... amen...#negative/#i guess lol. i sure did rant enough for it.
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prettybard · 2 years
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god i fucking love ofmd so much but some of the shit the white fans have to say abt the show genuinely kinda fucking hurts sometimes
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blackwinged-soul · 2 months
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Actual thing I just half-hissed/whispered at my computer:
"I swear to f*cking god, if you people don't start tagging your memorys|hipping, I WILL eat you."
(There MAY have been a subtle Ry/ou shift lying in wait because I listened to In My Life today, which is a HUGE Ry/ou song for me, but that was HOURS ago. I saw that and it felt my entire back bristle and I SWEAR I felt sharp teeth, and I wonder how much of that may have been touched by the Ring S|pirit, come to think of it....)
(( What is it with this fandom/source and people shipping me with the people that I, personally, would LEAST like to see ever again? ))
( (( Aaaand per the usual Y/G/O Multi-Reincarnation/Version Life Chaos, now I'm sitting here baffled by trying to unravel how much of this feeling is Ry/ou and how much is S|pirit and how much is The Corruption. )) )
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mxtomituck · 3 months
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Angry and tired. Too wired to rest and too sleepy to actually do anything.
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latinxfeels · 4 months
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Love it when I’m ridiculed for showing passion during the discussion of politics 🫡
This idea that politics and any discussions surrounding important topics such as Zionism, genocides, racism, classism, and anything that might bring discomfort needs to be sterile and completely dispassionate is absurd. The inclusion of empathy and compassion and anger and sadness and joy are what enable us to talk about these things and to realize that what is happening is harmful and the denial of these feelings is simply another form of silencing. It is basically saying that if there is feeling attached then the point being made is irrational and therefore incorrect. Whatever facts, empirical or otherwise, are immediately discredited due to the tone of voice or facial expression that might be present.
Also, it’s another way of closing off conversation from people. If you can’t hold a conversation without being ridiculed, then people are less inclined to speak about it. I understand that important conversations are uncomfortable and must be so to be productive, but it can be disheartening to constantly experience disrespect, even though we know that conversations must keep happening.
I’m just sensitive though, so what do I know.
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lesbiansanemi · 1 year
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You know also in regards to things said in that particular comment (though this one is very widespread throughout the whole fandom)… people’s intense hatred of Shinobu is so clearly rooted in misogyny
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corbinite · 6 months
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watched through steven universe future for the first time almost two weeks ago and I still feel kinda messed up about it
#mine#personal#su future spoilers in the tags below#I weirdly saw myself in a lot of what he was going through#don't fully know where that came from#the part where he runs away to jasper and Changed in particular kind of took me out of my body#I mean I can be kind of suggestible and prone to identity disturbance so there's very likely at least an element of that here#but still#there were just some notes there that hit in a weird and uncomfortable way#also the part where he was mad at his dad and all his dad could focus on was how that fit into his own projection of how things should go#and it just made him madder#I can understand why I reacted to that part at least#(my dad turned into the kind of person I can talk to about trauma AFTER the chance to actually process it right had already expired)#(and he tells me whenever it comes up that if I want to just yell at him I can do it I can just yell at him and he'll take it)#(and I already know that wouldn't help me)#(there's certain things that can't really be fixed and there's just nothing to do but move forward)#(especially cause so much of the source of the trauma is a distant memory by now)#(so even if the emotional scars are still there what would I even yell about when I barely remember the events any more)#anyway yeah I understand why steven got so pissed at greg about wanting him to rebel#also I think the arc where steven sought out jasper unearthed some of my self esteem issues re: my history of anger#there's a darkness inside of me sometimes I scare myself yada yada insert shadow hedgehog jpeg#but yeah when I say that arc took me out of my body I mean it KNOCKED me out and I'm still sort of re-sewing my soul back in place#discombobulated as all hell#did more talking in the tags than I expected here
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is this actually that uncommon? I don’t even unpack just the DAY I return from somewhere, but it’s literally the first thing I do. I do nothing else until I’m unpacked, I have everything organized back in it’s proper place in the house within an hour of getting home lol.. I thought this was typical??? What’s the cultural norm?
#same with groceries or anything else I;m bringing home from outside -  i put it away or d o soemthing with it immediately#I just don't like looming tasks in the background taking up my mental space like 'oh i still have to do that later' etc.#I can't relax until everything is taken care of. If i try to relax or rest when I just got home from a trip there's just always the nagging#sense that I'm going to have to get up and do something else LATER (put the stuff away) so why not just do it now#It's the whole principle of 'be more uncomfortable in the present in order to help yourself in the future'#Samme thing with covid like. Follow the social distancting tules and wear masks and do everything extremely dillignently NOW no matter how#annoying or inconvenient it is at the MOMENT because the future pay off will save you more discomfort later (more vairants coming out - long#er lockdowsn because of wider spread - you or your family getting sick - etc.)#I am ALWAYS willing to inconvenence myself and ''suffer'' temporarily in the present if it will help my future self or get me a larger#benefit down the line. etc. etc. But to me that just seems like.. literally the only rational thing to do#what's more important? my temporary emotional satisfaction or my long term wellbeing ? always the long term#it might feel good to just come home and flop onto the floor and shove the suitcases aside but is that like hour or so of rest worth#the annoyance later when you realize you've still got to put everyhting up and now you REALLY don't feel like it and etc. etc. ?#just save your future self the trouble and get it out of the way#But again I just thought it's like... everyone would also do that??? If not then when do you unpack? days later???#Kind of like how in childhood I still had a lot of issues (hadn't developed cognitive empathy really at all - no affective empathy - don't u#nderstand social cues well or people at all - etc.. which is a recipe for frustration when Living In A Society since people are always#doing things you don't understand and you struggle to communicate properly or be understood like everyone's just speaking a different langua#ge than you) and worse anger problems and there were a few times I would come home from shcool or something and just freak out and#knock my shelves in my room over and break things or etc - and it's like OKAY that feels fine in the moment but.. consider the aftermath!#now I have to spend like a whole fucking hour cleaning my room and putting everyhting back together and etc. etc. and it's like a negative#feeling on top of a negative feeling. not only am I still kind of mad but now I have EXTRA work to do when I just want to go to sleep#So in a more minor way it's the same thing like.. If I feel shitty from traveling I don't want to DOUBLE the shitty by having extra stuff to#do later and some task looming over my head. I want to get all the bad out of the way first so I can just have uninterrupted peace later lol#if that makes sense? idk lol#The one exception is once recently I had been somewhere and got legit heat exhaustion and was throwing up by the time I got home so#I didn't unpack everything then. But after cooling off and having pedilyte and stuff I still shakily unpacked before I went to bed lol
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devotedlystrangewizard · 11 months
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its so funny when people go "wow u sound so calm despite ur stressful situation" like yeah thanks my mom bullied me into never showing any intense emotions ever
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