Sam & Dean: *researching* Sam: *smiling* Dean: You’re not enjoying this, are you? Sam: I like a good research session. I find it meditative. Dean: Is it really that hard for you to be normal just one time?

HaveYou Poll Blogs Masterpost

I don't know if someone has made one of these already, but seeing the recent surge in poll blogs themed around statistics related to the Tumblr userbase, I thought I would compile a bit of a list including all the ones I have seen around (if anything just for MY ease of being able to find and vote for them).

@doyouknowthisartist - visual artists

@doyouknowthisauthor - writers

@doyouknowthismusical - musicals

@do-you-know-this-pasta - creepypastas

@doyoulikethissong-poll - anonymous song clips

@do-you-like-this-song - songs

@haveyoueatenthis - food

@haveyouheardthisband - bands/musicians

@haveyouheardthispodcast - podcasts

@haveyoumadethisdish - cooking/baking

@haveyouplayedthisgame - video games

@haveyouplayedthisgame-poll - video games

@haveyoureadthisbook-poll - books

@haveyoureadthismanga-poll - manga

@haveyoureadthisseries-poll - book series

@haveyouseenthismovie-poll - movies

@haveyouseenthisseries-poll - TV shows

@haveyouwatchedthisshow-poll - TV shows

@obscurewebcomictournament - webcomics (this one is not technically connected with the others, but I feel like it fits the bill, and it was technically my first exposure to the format some months ago when polls were first made available on Tumblr. Submissions are currently closed there, but it is a great source for voting and discovering new interesting things to read!)

I will update and add more to this list as more potentially come out! Happy voting!

DAY 24: two roads diverged in a yellow wood

(wip) a comic about a haircut im procrastinating

One day I write my unnecessarily wordy essay on how Miss Swift's brand actively encourages parasocial obsession because she has essentially made herself into the beloved protagonist of all these musical stories she tells, which makes it so much harder to separate art from the artist and also makes her fans unwilling to criticise her as a real human being (and neoliberal billionaire) because they see her as more of a flawed yet sympathetic fictional character in a series of romance novels.

Idk if this is going to make any sense, but I always feel like there's something missing when I read thoughts about sskk and it really is the impact Kyouka has on them.

Like, a lot of it is "look at the impact Atsushi and Akutagawa have on each other" and "they are so similar at their cores" which is true! And essential for any bsd partner dynamic! But Kyouka also has commonalities - she has Atsushi's general wonder, simple wants and joys, and desire to be helpful and kind, but also Akutagawa's laser focused objectivity, initial lack of questioning orders, and straightforward ruthlessness when required.

But a lot of the external influence on sskk I see mentioned is Dazai and Chuuya's... which I get, because they're the previous double black, but also Chuuya is very minorly involved by proxy only, and while Dazai undeniably is at the heart of sskk conflict (and it's good to analyze in depth!!!), I feel it's understated how much it was actually Kyouka who kickstarted the development between them - Atsushi was brand-new to the Agency, but saving Kyouka cemented his mindset of proving his worth and also gave him someone to look out for - his position became less fragile from that point on and more permanent. Her mix of kindness and darkness also forces Atsushi in the Guild arc to reassess the idea that people are either "good" or "bad". (He's working on this still, but his judgements are becoming much more nuanced than at the beginning.) And as for Akutagawa... I have a lot of thoughts on their dynamic and how I really don't think there's a whole lot of bad blood there anymore after my all-time favourite scene where they fight in Cannibalism arc - but all I will say is that he legitimately thought what he was doing would make her strong enough to survive, and both Kyouka and Atsushi telling him this is wrong, that people can't live being beaten down like that forces him to reassess his own situation in the Hawthorne and Mitchell fight. (He still has a ways to go, but I seriously hope he eventually realizes that his treatment by Dazai was horribly unnecessary and cruel.)

But what's great is that Atsushi and Akutagawa influence her development too! I don't even need to get into Atsushi's: he believes in her potential and sees her as the young girl she is - not a weapon but a person. She starts off pretty much attached to him and only him, but as time goes on, she starts to adopt a more positive mindset and becomes more confident making decisions as a result of his faith in her. With Akutagawa, she is, like Atsushi, forced to reassess others, especially after he tells her he's glad for her having found that will to live. Kyouka is unable to continue fighting him after that, and I get the sense she saw him as a person there, instead of only the man who harmed her. I also find it really interesting that she has no shame or concern about her mindset aligning much more closely with his, to the point where she'll work with him if necessary.

This is a bit of a mess but really it's one long-winded ramble on how I loved these three working together in Dead Apple and would love to see them working and fighting alongside each other again. I know, I know, this is probably not going to happen because it's supposed to be about sskk as a duo but consider:

They are a trio in my heart.

I know this is a very unoriginal observation (much like any other), but I'm finally reading The Great Gatsby, and even I wouldn't describe men the way Nick does.

Demyx (my beloved)

Actually I think I do want to ramble a little more on the subject.

While I do love making buzzsaw jokes (especially after completing Path of Pain, like, the fuck?) I do also think the layout of the Dream White Palace wasn't intentional. If he did it after that horrible cry came out of the Black Egg temple the first time when Holly was starting to crack, he must've been in a fucking state.

Like imagine you convinced yourself that what you're doing is for the greater good, that this being that you do love (even if you're denying it to yourself) that you thought was emotionless, a blank slate, only does as is told, has no hopes, thoughts, aspirations, merely exists, suddenly with one cry proves you wrong.

Just imagine that horrible realization that you were wrong about them (you always were, you ignored all of the signs they were alive) and you damned them to a fate worse than death. Eternal imprisonment sucks too, but since they're an unfeeling creature, it's fine, right? Nope. Definitely not. It was not fine, even if they were an unfeeling creature, but now it's even worse because the infection is eating at them now.

All of those children left to die in the abyss? That all happened for nothing.

Those dreamers you made to sacrifice themselves to keep people out? They're now the only thing holding the vessel inside of their prison but they sure as hell are not containing the infection. That too was all for naught. Your daughter lost her mother for no reason.

You did this all to save so many people, your entire kingdom of Hallownest. You choked down the guilt of your decisions because it would save the kingdom. Now you find out it was for nothing.

I think anyone would break, and break the King did.

By that point, there was no one left to stop his spiral. The White Lady was gone, most of the knights too, his council, everyone. No one was left to stop him from making extremely irrational decisions, including putting his palace into the dream realm to flee from the infection along with anyone inside. As he runs into his throne, trying to somehow run from the guilt, the grief, the horror, the palace twists. It becomes extremely hard to follow him, almost impossible. He makes it to the throne, the Kingsmoulds loyally guarding the outside...

It's there he breaks. He spirals. He falls into a deep despair.

I personally think the Pale King died of grief, and with that death, left his surviving children the monumental task of cleaning up the mess left behind.

One thing that gets lost in ship discourse (or its hyper-positive opposite) is that regardless of your feelings on a ship, in order to tell a story, the character relationships do and should have an impact on a character's story arc, and not all relationships are going to offer the same emotional weight throughout any given character's story.

This is particularly true of actual play, wherein each player character is running a separate story as a protagonist, and therefore you have to consider each of them as an individual thread within one larger narrative, on top of the narrative itself.

That being said, the farther you get into the story and the closer to the end you are, the ways those threads can interweave get culled, simply by circumstances. Relationships (platonic, romantic, familial, etc) change over time, and whether they are narratively compelling changes as well. In contrast, "ship" is generally used to suggest a dynamic an individual audience member finds compelling, which may or may not have anything to do with the narrative, even if the dynamic is interesting for reasons of narrative potential (that isn't ultimately explored within canon). These are distinct concepts in terms of analysis. So as a disclaimer, this post is about character relationships within the narrative as it exists—essentially, what makes the story that exists work as well as it does, in the end.

Now that we've got all that out of the way, let's talk about Caleb.

Caleb's problem for much of the campaign is one of survival and self-preservation. His goal is simply to last long enough to find a way to go back in time. Because that is a very open goal, it doesn't inherently have much to tie him to another character in a relationship sense. He is not looking for that, he does not see himself as worthy of it, and it's really not a necessary narrative question, regardless of what attraction he does have.

But over time (and, I would argue, in a way that is fairly singular among the Nein, but I won't get into that here), his priorities begin to shift. Many of his needs are now met in ways that they previously weren't, allowing him to fully consider what he wants. For instance, between the start of the war and the time they reach Xhorhas, he has changed his mind about becoming involved in this war—because he is not being forced into it by possible conscription. He has significantly more options than he did at the start.

What he ends up realizing, as he finds the opportunity to put an end to the war, is that he cannot trust his own judgment. There is near universal support to end the war—even the nations involved are there because of what they view as existential threats. That opinion is not in question. But everything else is. Caleb is a victim of manipulation and brainwashing, and this is very apparent when he starts pleading with the scourger prisoner of war to give him some kind of proof that people like him can change.

And this is not something that anyone else of the Nein can offer him. They can tell him that they think he is a good person and that they trust him, but because of his history—and because he knows how smart he is, and how far he can fall—this isn't something he can take at face value, especially given that they have not seen or known him at his worst, and have not experienced it either.

Yasha may be able to offer some guidance in that area, but she is working through similar issues at both a different pace and in different ways than he is—she isn't seeking any situation where she would make potentially world-shaping decisions or have influence over others like he would. His goals are singularly risky. Veth comes closest to this, in that she very briefly considers prolonging the war to alleviate her own suffering, but it's not a decision she's ever forced to make.

(Honestly, thinking about this, an arc in which Veth does take that deal with Isharnai is a fascinating alternative universe to consider—it would certainly give her the opportunity to relate to Caleb in this way, but it would probably take another fifty episodes before Caleb could even bring himself to consider forgiving her, given it would be in direct conflict to the one thing he's been working at for a third of the campaign up until then. Still, a fascinating consideration!)

So between Caleb attempting to sway the scourger and going to Astrid's house in secret, this is the point at which it seems like the Nein cannot help him do the rest of the work. They have done a lot to get him here and considering what else he wants! But they can't offer him what that is, which is essentially tangible corroboration of what they've already offered.

And at this point in the campaign when taken as a whole, there's only one character who can actually offer that. Because to have real emotional weight, what Caleb is looking for is someone who is as smart as he has, who has made a similarly horrific decision even in spite of that intelligence, and who has now committed to actual change.

It's the commitment to actual change that is difficult, because it requires a support structure—and in hindsight, there's not enough time left to build that up for someone like Astrid or Eadwulf, but it's already partially in place for Essek.

(We can debate all day long about what could've been different if the hiatus never happened, or the campaign had lasted longer, but this is specifically about the campaign that we have. I think there is also an argument to be made that Astrid or Eadwulf would've required a much longer and more intensive timeframe to reach that point even if the campaign had continued than the format really offered, because they have preconceived notions about Caleb that complicates their ability to take what he says at face value even if they care about him succeeding in his goals—but that's also not relevant to this point.)

But I do think this is why Essek progresses very quickly, and is largely committed to aiding them by 124—he already has been aiding them, and has expressed loyalty to them above anyone else.

This is not as much of a leap as it may appear to some, because even by 91 and 97, he had done significant introspection on his own time. This is only a continuation of how he has been characterized thus far. He's expressed doubt from a very early point, whereas Astrid does not begin to express doubt (regardless of whether she feels it, because this is about capacity for willing admittance) until after the dinner with Trent.

What ends up happening is that Essek's the one who actually calls Caleb on things. He gives him an ultimatum with the conversation about Trent when the Nein won't. He offers reason and perspective in the paper room when the rest of the Nein get impatient. He checks off all of the boxes of what Caleb is looking for (which is essentially a narrative mirror), and very early into the Nein's trip through Aeor, Caleb seems to have forgiven him, and his fears and misgivings erode from there.

Only this corroboration, because his opinion of Essek is specifically about his opinion of his own capacity for change, allows him to recognize that returning to the past would simply make him the same person he had been at 17, and finally put that plan, the person that he was, and his parents to rest. If he is not able to be anything other than that boy, then he has no reason to not remain as such, and return to the past; but if he believes himself capable of change, then the question of going back in time is one of leaving behind the person he is now in favor of the boy who made that choice. He is asked, if he believes himself capable of change, to acknowledge that he was that person once, but can now be more than that and move beyond it.

And the proof that he needs in order to affirm that when he is given the opportunity to do so is standing next to him.

Fundamentally, this is not related to Caleb's long-term relationship with Essek at all. This could have been the end of it—they could've parted ways and the story would've still been told and completed.

But I think it is important that a) Essek does get to have some happiness, and b) part of that is with Caleb (though this still doesn't have any bearing on platonic vs romantic, only that they have some kind of close mutual relationship in the long run). On a very basic level, because he is now in this position of being corroborating evidence for Caleb himself, Essek becomes a stand-in for how the narrative sees Caleb, and how Caleb views himself.

If the narrative condemns him and leaves him out to dry, it is an implicit reflection on Caleb—and directly conflicts with the narrative implication that Caleb is not solely worth condemnation. And however much it has nothing to do with romance or a relationship of that kind, Caleb's choice to care about him in the long run is an acknowledgement of being willing to care for and forgive himself.

✨"Meet the Artist" ✨

Name: Findus Age: 26 (29.03) Zodiac: Aries Nationality: Norwegian Orientation: Bi/Asexual Gender: Non-Binary (they/them) Education: Masters degree in Archaeology

Sending some questions rom the fic meme, 20, 21 and/or 25 about Palmarosa? Ty

20. What is something you wish more people noticed about this fic?

The tag that says: this is NOT canon compliant. The author's note that says this is isn't canon compliant and adds: "D&D purists enter at your peril." It's always always that I wish the purists would notice that the story is not and is not pretending to be canon compliant.

That. I wish more people noticed that about the fic. The folks who go into FR lore and go 'I bet the author's doing this' and it's like 'I've never heard of that.' Or the folks who are like 'Mephistopheles should be red' and it's like well he has a canonical blue counterpart and also I don't care.

And secondly it's like, I feel like folks set themselves up for disappointment if they miss the tags. I've only ever played one campaign of D&D and it didn't touch Avernus. All I know about vampire spawn and devils comes from BG3 and patchily maintained Wikis. And while I have done a lot of research, I think anyone could say pretty clearly that you can spend a lot of time doing research and still not know a very great deal indeed if you've only ever had limited experience in the world and haven't paid for the canonical materials.

Like I cannot tell you how many people go 'I bet you're doing this because of (X lore I've literally never even heard of)' and it's like anon, I don't even know how to read, I don't go here, blease I beg of you, notice the tags/author's notes.

Folks who expect little cool tricks based off hidden lore in Forbidden Realms canon are going to be extremely disappointed if that's something they're invested in. Like, no. This is a character-driven story where I'm making stuff up that suits the story and the characters. Some stuff is taken from lore, some stuff is invented lore, it's 'whatever works.'

21. What is something you didn't expect people to notice or gravitate towards in this fic?

I didn't actually expect so many people to gravitate towards thinking that Raphael is always jealous when he's punishing or hurting Astarion. That was kind of odd to me, because I don't really think that's how his mind works.

Like I do think he's possessive, but that to me is different. And I think he's possessive because he's Lawful Evil and has a contract with Astarion, so anyone who acts as though they have power over Astarion and the contract, is therefore acting as though they have power over Raphael, which makes him furious. And I do sort of see how people turn that into 'oh he's jealous because Astarion is his' but it's like well, no, it's not really about Astarion as a person at all. It's about the principle of the contract and the threat to his seat of power which is - as we've seen - a threat to his life.

Likewise, he doesn't hurt Astarion or whip Astarion because he's jealous or for any kind of 'relationship' reason, but because he's been lacking in souls, he's weaker than he used to be, he's used to feeding a much broader sadistic appetite, and Astarion was weak and Astarion was there and I suspect he knew and found it very appealing that Astarion would feel betrayed after he'd done a good job and he thought that would lead to better sadistic satisfaction than tormenting someone like Fhaeleb (and he'd be right, as I said in my author's notes, Astarion suffers very prettily).

I guess I'm always kind of surprised how many people folks try to (in retrospect very understandably) attribute predictable human motives to Raphael's actions. Some of his actions are predictable, especially in the context of him being a sadist. But what I find the most fun about writing him, is that his motives are different by and large to many of us.

His core focus is always attaining more power and more souls, and also feeding via sadism, and he will do other things! We know he enjoys other things in life that seem a lot more 'human' and have very little to do with directly attaining power or torturing people, but I also think he's living his best life when he's kind of doing all of it at the same time, lmao, like watching a pornographic play while debauching Astarion, who is both into it and not into it, which creates a low-key delicious anguish that I think Raphael is very into, on the way to getting even more things that he wants, lol.

He's not falling in love with Astarion, although I do also - on the flipside - think he's a bit more human than some people think he is (since killed and resurrected - I've said he's lost his pit fiend form which means now he really is 50% human again), but that'll be talked about in the next chapter.

But it is really interesting watching people kind of like... try and find ways that Raphael works that aligns with what they know of people they've met. And while there is logic to his actions, it's not 'I'm attracted to Astarion so I'm jealous of anyone else touching him' logic. Possession can look a lot like jealousy, but to me they're two different things!

(It's very interesting watching folks either ascribe wholly human motives to all his actions or alternatively, wholly evil and manipulative motives to all his actions, in a very black and white kind of way. I think we see enough of him in the canon to realise that it's not that simple, for a start he's definitely got his own internal ethical compass, and he's also a horrendously sadistic torturer - enough that it goes against canon to have him not be worse to Astarion, which is where the fic is actually most not canon complaint tbh, and I killed him and resurrected him into a weaker form to justify that lmao - and he's just... Imho, to me he resists 'he's doing this' quantification in that he's doing about 10 different things, and some of those things contradict each other, because he's going through a rough time right now. So anyone who's like 'he's doing this one thing' is like... I mean maybe, but he's got these 9 other things going on. But sometimes he's also just not doing that thing at all. Like Raphael is not jealous of Temter, but he certainly finds Temter and amusing sore spot to keep pressing on to make Astarion twist on the hook).

25. Is there anything you would change now about this fic? Why or why not?

Oh definitely not. So far it's going how I'm wanting it to go (considering it has no plan!) :D Idk I'm enjoying writing it, and I don't like to go back and change things once I've committed to them, so it's rare that I actually even consider thoughts like that? I'm not that kind of writer where I go back and think like 'oh I should have done this' or 'I should have done that.'

I'm writing a serial, if there's stuff I think I should have done, I can usually find a way to introduce it later

~

From this meme!

the sumeru archon quest popped off. I started the second act and I just HAD to finish it today because I was so engrossed. this feels like a big step up from inazuma's wobbly writing, and it's also a more interesting and ambitious plot than mondstadt and liyue had. I particularly like that the traveller feels a bit more...engaged? Like an actual character? In the other nations, the traveller has kind of been a bystander. while I wish they would commit to giving them more voiced lines, the sumeru storyline feels more geared around them. With the other nations, it often felt like the plotlines could progress in almost the same way whether the traveller was there or not. this time, they have clearer and more specific motivations: it's obvious why they want to find the dendro archon - specifically the god of wisdom - and ask her questions about their sibling. their relationship with dunyarzad is also developed enough to provide secondary motivation, too - she feels like a much more successful, developed npc in comparison to teppei, who we actually get enough time with to care about.

all of the characters are introduced at a nice pace, as is a lot of the worldbuilding. I like that we meet new characters with each new area - collei and tighnari for the forest, dehya, nilou, dunyarzad and nahida for sumeru city, alhaitham and dori for port ormos. it breaks it up well and stops it from feeling overwhelming. the fact that the first act lays the groundwork for how sumeru works - the eremites, the akademiya, canned knowledge, the akasha, etc. - means that second act can delve into these concepts more thoroughly without being too confusing. I love how creative and weird the second act was, too! I wasn't expecting them to go with a weird, time-loop type thing, and I love that a genshin storyline actually managed to throw me off and do something unexpected for a change

it's a much stronger start than sumeru had, and the fact that the archon quest may not actually be wrapped up until 3.2 gives me a lot of hope for the rest. I can't wait to see how scaramouche ends up involved. my guess is that the fatui will have some hand in the dream-harvesting that the akademiya is doing, but beyond that, I'm not sure what to expect. I'm very excited, though

also alhaitham is a sussy bastard. I could fix him but whatever's wrong with him is much hotter

ohhhh my god im going to fucking throw up thinking again about the scene where sawashiro almost lopping off ichi's pinky parallels the scene from earlier where arakawa's mom threatens him with scissors

expectations vs reality: crow edition

expectation: I will feed my crow friends so over time, when I go outside and use my crow call, I will summon the crows to me and it will be the coolest most goth thing ever

reality: the crows land in my yard and summon me by screaming until I give them snacks

Tagged by @voxofthevoid

Last Song: Home to Me by Devil and the Deep Blue Sea. Got the whole album after hearing it on @words-writ-in-starlight's Kencyrath playlist!

How dare you love me like you've never known fear When you've got more troubles than minutes in the year And a voice like your father's tells you nothing good's for free Well that may be, but you're walking home to me

Currently Watching: Brain not currently accepting video input? Really wanna finish Spy x Family and watch Nimona tho. And Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Currently Reading: Uhhh. Uhhhhhhh.

Non-fiction (Academic)- Collecting, Preserving, and Interpreting the History of Electronic Games by Jon-Paul C. Dyson for an essay I should be writing about the "discourse community" around archiving video games and connected materials

Non-fiction (Leisure)- Word by Word: The Secret Life of Dictionaries by Kory Stamper and The Billionaire's Vinegar by Benjamin Wallace (it's about wine fraud)

Fiction- direly tempted to, instead of writing my essay, start either In the Watchful City by S. Qiouyi Lu (an extrasensory human, Anima, starts to question ær job maintaining and protecting ær city when a cabinet of curiosities comes to town) (FUN PRONOUNS) or Tentacle by Rita Indiana (trans masc protagonist in the Dominican Republic tries to get transition drug and also prevent environmental disaster with time travel)

Fanfiction- where are they fucking hiding the Star Wars clone shenanigans. This fandom is massive why can't I find more CLONES and (this is important) co-dependence and polyamory. Anakin is a background character unless it gets me more Padme and Obi-wan being considerate and kind translating directly to bottoming has gotten old fast

Current Obsession: I have brainworms about GrimmIchi and have recently been consumed by Don't Starve Together (game).

Tagging: Gabe (above), @aethersea @tanoraqui @smallblueandloud @thesuninperigee @starcloud-nova @firecoloredwater and @mothman-etd