“Pa’que Pare de Chingar”

El Novio Quarantine Edition: Part 3

AN: Part 3 is HErEEEEEE!!! I apologize for not posting this yesterday. Hope y’all enjoy bc in un ratito Part 4 will be out. 

Warnings: smut, brief mention of weed and brief mention of birth control

requested? nope

Word Count:

Calum leaned back in his seat and scrolled through Twitter while he waited for Claudia to get her birth control pills from the pharmacy. He was still pissed at the lady with the rat. 

Mrs. Garner, the neighbor whose dog bit Damian, ended up leaking a video of him and Claudia making out in the Santos driveway as a way to get back at them for reporting her dog. It was more of a compilation of them dating back to the summer before to just a few weeks ago when they got back from walking Duke and Panchito. It created an uproar. 

Fans were confused and surprised that Calum and Claudia have been together the whole time. Others were angry at the neighbor for invading their privacy. The paparazzi set up camp in the neighborhood in hopes of getting pictures of the couple since Mrs. Garner had also leaked their address. For the sake of Claudia's family and their privacy and safety, Calum and Claudia went back to Calum's house in L.A. where the neighborhood was more private. 

Soon enough, Mrs. Garner got a taste of her medicine when Calum's fans found out she had a wine shop and flooded Yelp and Google with negative reviews. To think she did all of that because her dog bit a little kid. 

He closed the app and replied to Ashton's text confirming the time he and his team were going over for the album photoshoot. Calum still couldn't believe that Ashton wrote and produced his own album in such little time. Nonetheless he was proud of him. Ashton is someone he admired purely based on his ambition and talent. 

There was a soft knock on the passenger side of the window. Claudia waved at Calum and motioned that the door was locked. 

"Shit," He cursed. He reached over and opened the door for her. "Sorry."

"It's okay." She said smoothing out the bed sheet before sitting on it. 

It was well into June, making the weather be over 80° which was not a good mix with the car's leather seats and Claudia's short shorts and rompers. Not to mention she sweated an embarrassing amount through her ass. 

"I'm hungry. Can we get breakfast burritos before going to Target?" Claudia asked him. 

"Of course. San Miguel's?" Calum suggested. It's been months since they went to their go-to Mexican food place at Long Beach. 

"Yes. Let me order it through postmates so we can just pick them up."

She pulled out the paper bag containing her birth control and hid it behind her back while she tore apart her purse to get her phone. She felt one of Calum's cool hands on her back, pulling out the paper bag. 

"Why are you hiding your birth control like it's a bad thing? I know you're on it." he asked. 

"Because." she said, taking the bag and shoving it deep in her purse. 

"Because why?" 

"It's weird." she giggled nervously. She pulled back her hair into a bun. "Like I've never been at this personal level with any of my exes. Not that it's a bad thing, I'm just still, like, getting used to it."

"Oh."

"Yeah…"

"Did I make it awkward?” Calum asked her, intertwining their fingers together.

“A little, but it’s okay. I don’t want you to overthink this. I’m just getting used to this, you did nothing wrong.” 

Claudia leaned over and kissed his cheek. She pulled out her phone and opened Postmates. “Do you want your breakfast bowl hash browns or tater tots?”

“Tater tots please.”

The rest of the drive to San Miguel’s was pleasant. They got into some traffic, but luckily Calum and Claudia were both in good moods, resulting in Calum playing Jose Alfredo Jimenez and Natalia Lafourcade along with other Mexican groups. A few weeks ago, Diego introduced him to them when they both got high and decided to listen to Mariachi music. It was the most they bonded since Calum and Claudia started dating.

Pepe Aguilar faded into the background as Calum lowered the volume. He glanced over at Claudia, she was looking out the window, letting the sunrays dance on her face. 

“Hey Claudia?” Calum asked, getting her attention.

“Yeah?” She answered him, pulling herself away from the window. 

“I know I shouldn’t be asking you this, but if you’re comfortable, what was your other ex like?” He shifted in his seat awkwardly, not knowing how Claudia was going to respond. 

He knew it was one of those wildcard questions. She would either answer him, or go off telling him that the past is the past. But after her comment about her exes, he just had to know. All he knew about the guy was that he played football and was a year older than her. 

“Isaiah was a sweetheart. I met him through his sisters. We got close because I defended them when they got made fun of for liking One Direction, they even showed me some of Luke’s covers too. Anyways, we would always hang out at my place so I never met their brother until the first day of school where we were the only underclassmen in our AP Stats class. After that we became really good friends. We became a thing after he asked me to homecoming. Our relationship was pretty much stagnant. We didn’t do anything like sex wise. He was really respectful about that too and always kept the football team in check about that. 

This one guy from the football team started a rumor that he hooked up with a girl from the dance team and Isaiah called him out. Like overall he was a good guy. So when he graduated, we decided to just stay friends. We didn’t see each other until my senior prom where he was my date because a certain bass player didn’t go to prom with me after he said yes and I reached my goal of ten thousand retweets.”

“That was you?” Calum yelled. “I felt so bad. We had like a two week break, but a day after our show in Dublin my appendix ruptured and was bed ridden until our break ended. I guess that could explain why you didn’t give me a slice of chocoflan when I went.” 

“Damn, I thought your team was just BSing and didn’t want to go. I was really sad and sold my tickets out of spite.” Claudia mumbled to herself.

“I have the corsage somewhere in my room, actually.”

“Seriously?” 

“Yeah, I can give it too with one condition.”

“What is it?” 

“You slow dance with me.”

***

It happened so fast. Claudia was hanging up some shirts she tie-dyed to air dry while Calum watched in the comfort of their new lounge chair. It had a dark wood foundation with a comfy and waterproof mattress on top. A comment about Claudia's peeking out of her silk romper led to one about how they haven't christened the chair. A few teasing touches later, Calum dropped his slutty shorts. It was a term coined by Claudia after Calum accidentally bought some RVCA shorts that were closer to his crotch than his knees. 

Claudia leaned down and captured his lips. She got off the lounge chair, taking her time removing her silk romper. Then she slowly crawled back to Calum. He lifted his bucket hat covered head and leaned up to kiss her once more. He laid back down before pushing back his hat to get a better view of Claudia. 

She coated Calum’s cock with her arousal then she slowly slid down his length. Her hands rested on his tummy and Calum placed his hands on her waist, and slowly guided her. Claudia rocked her hips back and forth. She closed her eyes, gasping at the feeling of him all the way inside her. 

"Just like that pretty girl,” Calum moaned out. 

She opened her eyes and found him staring into hers. Without breaking eye contact she rolled her hips a bit slower, bucking his hips up into her. She moaned as he groaned in pleasure. 

"Calum,” Claudia whimpered. 

He sat up as Claudia wrapped her arms around his shoulders while he held her in his arms. She slowly continued to roll herself against him and Calum let out an incoherent moan in her ear. 

Claudia rested her head against his shoulder. “Hey,” Calum said softly. “Eyes on me." 

She lifted her head to look at him. His eyes flickered from her lips to her eyes and a huge smile formed on his lips. Calum captured her lips. Claudia halted her movements and solely focused his mouth. She held onto his face with both hands, deepening their kiss. 

Without breaking the kiss, Calum pushed Claudia onto her back. Pushing her legs to her chest, he slowly thrusted into her with slightly rough precision. He halted his movements thinking Duke must have gotten out, and looked up.

“Ash?”

“Ashton? I know—”

“Get dressed, Ash and Ryan are here.” He whispered, pulling up his shorts. He tossed her romper and awkwardly stood in front of the chair as she got dressed.

“Are you two seriously fucking?” Ashton yelled from the other side of the pool. “I liked napping in that lounge chair, now you ruined it.”

“Well I liked fucking my boyfriend in this lounge chair, now you ruined that.” Claudia yelled back in the same tone as him. 

She leaned into Calum and kissed his cheek. “I’m gonna make some cookies and stuff.”

She waved at Ryan and flipped Ashton off as she passed them to get to the kitchen. She poured some macadamia nuts on a comal and let them toast on a low heat while she prepped the cookie batter. She was making white chocolate chip and macadamia nut cookies with spinach. She saw the recipe on Fetch with Ruff Ruffman when she was in elementary school and since then it became her go-to recipe for white chocolate chip and macadamia nut cookies. She also liked making them to spite Ashton because he always said her cookies weren't the healthiest. Now he couldn't say anything since she put a bag of spinach in it. 

The macadamia nuts finished toasting in time for them to get folded into the cookie dough along with the chocolate chips and spinach. She placed them in the oven and cleaned up while they baked. Remembering she still had some doggie dough, she also placed them in the oven. She then prepared some agua de jamaica with some jamaica leaves that she let soak overnight. 

Claudia heard Duke’s barks by the front door. She went over and saw the delivery person walking back to their truck. She motioned Duke to back up so she could open the door to get the package. It was her monthly Savage×Fenty package. She took the box up to their room, thinking of ways to tease. Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard the kitchen timer go off. 

Duke was excitedly wagging his tail in front of the oven, waiting for her to get out the treats she made. He backed away and watched her get out the baking trays. 

“En un ratito okay? They’re still hot.” Claudia told him.

Once they cookies and treats cooled off she placed them on plates. She placed the pitcher of agua de jamaica and the cookie plate on a tray and took it outside for the guys. Calum helped her carry it.

“Did you make your spinach cookies to spite Ashton?” He asked her.

“Yeah, pa’que pare de chingar.” She smiled to herself. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed him. “Also, I got a package, so make sure no one touches your phone in the next hour or so, unless they want to see my ass.”

Taglist: @f-mu @another-lonely-heart​ @sunshinebabycal-deactivated2021​   @calumscalm​ @karajaynetoday​ @cherryxwildflower​ @myloverboyash​  @idontneedanyone​ @findingliam-o​ @5-secondsofcolor​ @spicylftv​ @sexgodashton​ @fckingpernico​ @2fangirl4u​ @calpops

the year i turned twenty i stopped waiting for someone to save my life and started eating more vegetables

in the winter of 2018 i got a root canal done on the molar in the upper left-hand corner of my mouth. it had been on the verge of death for a while now; two years prior to that a visiting government-sponsored school dentist had taken a look at it, frowned, and then spent the next two hours wheedling all the rot out of that tiny black hole with a drill. unfortunately the solution he imposed was both extremely painful and temporary, and so two years after the initial incident i found myself once again at the dentist's (this time at a clinic; school dentists don't like to deal with the extra-gritty stuff and are not paid enough to do so). they stuck a needle in my gum, numbed three-quarters of my mouth, then drilled a hole through the center of my tooth and ripped the withering shred of nerve-tissue right out of it.

my dentist helpfully explained all of the above to me during our consultation session in the same office in which he would rip the top half of my tooth off a week later. he was a balding, smiling man whose speech did not, unlike many medical professionals i had met over the years, have an edge of condescension to it. i liked him. i would have liked him more were he not planning to essentially castrated my tooth.

several weeks later i went to another dentist who specialized in helping people in post-root canal limbo, and she stuck a shiny metal crown on what was left of my molar. we then scheduled a series of check-ups to ensure that the crown had not flown off its liege while i attacked an ice cube or something similarly bad for my teeth and mental health, which stretched on for so long that she became, more or less, my primary dental care physician. at first the check-ups were a month apart. then two. time passed. her hair grew longer and our conversations less awkward; she was beautiful and snarky and looked like she would shoot god without hesitation if he stepped into range of her gun. she wore her hair short, red tinged with gold, in a pixie-cut that fell over half of one eye. for a while i thought i was in love with her.

'do you floss?' she asked me on my second check-up.

'no,' i said.

'well.' she broke off a length of dental floss and began to wind it around her fingers. it looked like a death threat and she looked ready to kill, though her eyes were smiling. 'you should.'

for the first year after having an utterly destroyed tooth brought back from the brink of death via a grisly temporary solution that would, at best, buy me one or two decades of peace, i didn't. i didn't floss because when she did it for me in her tiny examination room my gums bled so much it took hours for me to wash the bitter taste of iron out of my mouth. blood is a nice concept and a nicer motif in writing. but it smells awful, and it's worst on the tongue. so i didn't floss my teeth, and i went through life with the kind of casual detached disinterest with which i had approached most things up until then. at my next check-up she asked once again if i had been flossing and i lied that i had. after poking and prodding around in my mouth for a few minutes and taking a scan for good measure she gave me a look and said dryly, 'you haven't been flossing at all, have you.'

disappointing your parents, your favorite high school english teacher, or even your best friend is nothing compared to the sheer embarrassment that comes from knowing your beautiful dentist asked you to do the bare minimum, and you failed to deliver. her voice was arid but we had known each other for long enough by then for me to detect a thin undercurrent of disappointment. i had done it. i had lost the support of the only person in my life who could be counted on to support me. because i paid her for her services. and she was also very funny in a quiet sarcastic way. and she was beautiful.

having had my ego wounded beyond description i resolved to floss from then on and succeeded in dragging my poor aching gums past the bleeding stage to a point where they were merely post-workout sore. then i lost interest and forgot about the white, sterile-smelling clinic that was a fifteen minutes' drive from my house and the little pack of dental floss on the bathroom counter faded into obscurity. two weeks before my next appointment in 2020, an alarm on my phone went off to inform me of the approaching day of judgment. i panicked.

'have you been flossing?' my dentist asked as i lay back in the faded green chair and she put on a pair of new gloves.

'yeah,' i said.

five minutes later, she removed her army of dentistry equipment from my mouth with a satisfied hum. 'i see that you have.' her eyes were smiling. 'your teeth look fine. i'll just clean them a little for you.'

i celebrated impressing my favorite dentistry professional in singapore by forgetting to floss for the next two months. soon after that i got on a plane to america, and then two more for good measure in case i hadn't grown sick of sitting and burning in my own skin already, and then twelve weeks of insanity ensued, the details of which we are surely all acquainted with by now. late nights, walks in the forest, afternoons spent in the sun. mismatched footsteps and strange acquaintances. an elaborate circus act staffed entirely by misguided but well-meaning teenagers. a ring of fire.

two weeks ago i bought a box of dental floss for ninety-nine cents. i think this might be what the anthropologists call 'adulthood'. i was at target with a friend and we were getting toothpaste, which we had both nearly run out of, when i saw the little flat box of dental floss hanging from a hook on the wall. my teeth weren't particularly disgusting (they haven't been, not since i learned how to brush them properly), but they weren't beautiful. it had been a while since i had been on my own mind. for the last three months, others' pain had been my main priority, and now that we had eliminated most of them from the picture, i found myself with more time in the mornings to stare at myself in the mirror and wonder how, exactly, i was doing.

how are you doing? i asked. and the answer was i felt like shit.

while i've stayed in dormitories before for extended periods of time i always got out of doing laundry by either submitting my dirty clothes to an on-campus service which disappeared them into a hole in the fabric of reality and returned them to you a day later, cleaned and folded outside your room so the first time i did laundry by myself in america, a week after arriving on campus, i felt invincible. buying an iced chai from the cafe on a thursday morning and then settling down to work on my laptop until my first class started at noon, i felt like a character in a career advisory ad, like someone who knew where they were going and how they were going to get there. standing in front of the bathroom mirror of my summer dorm, winding a strand of dental floss around my fingers, i felt like i had aged fifteen years in the span of just one, and that just this once, it was for the better.

according to my adult friends, no one ever fully feels or recognizes that they are an adult. adulthood is an ideal that all grown children strive towards the way body-builders aim for more and more muscle mass until there's nothing left of them but a pair of well-toned biceps. there are several industry-approved ways to be an adult, but there are no suggested ways to feel like one. this is part of the gaping maw of inadequacy our generation has fallen into. this afternoon i melted butter in a pan and beat two eggs, milk, salt, and garlic powder together in a bowl. pouring the egg mixture into the pan i began to scrape the edges frantically towards the center with a spatula. the whole process took no longer than two or three minutes. by the end of it my hand was shaking.

according to my adult friends you just wake up one day and start looking for ways to re-organize your pantry and that's when you realize: i'm getting old, aren't i? and i'm getting old, aren't i? twenty's just the start of what a friend recently told me her parents refer to as 'the decade of pain'. but the beginning of something is included in the timeline of its accomplishments, too, and it takes more blind faith to start something than we give ourselves credit for. i have never used a saucepan up until today. in my younger years i often boiled broccoli or cauliflower in a small pot over an electric stove. but the butter, the eggs, the smell of fat sizzling on a pan- this is new to me. this entire life is new to me.

leaving the familiar warmth of your family home, it suddenly occurs to you how fragile life is. how everything your mother has done for you until now has kept you on the path forward, and now you have been given the keys to the basement you have to remember to buy laundry detergent before you run out. it all comes together like this: the humming laundry machines, the hand towels, the fridge full of fruit and cheese. it keeps you alive.

and it's awful. our generation doesn't know what self-care is because we're too busy trying to care for a world which tries, time and again, to kick us off the carousel of life and move on without its ephemeral teenage charges. we are bad at this 'living' thing because we often forget that we are alive at all. look out the window and the world's burning. look into the kitchen, and- quiet. this past year has done nothing to improve the paintings on the wall. we've all known hopelessness. we've all known what it's like to wake up and feel nothing at all.

and yet my flatmate has a new york times cooking subscription that she says we're welcome to borrow if we want to look up a recipe for something like paella, brownies, whatever. the other day she made shrimp scampi and when she knocked on my door and said 'i made food, if you'd like some' i remember thinking living with other people was worth it if you could sit around a table and twirl pasta noodles around your fork in silence. tomorrow i think i'll go to target again and see if i can find more acai. i miss it. i miss singapore's overpriced acai places and their stupid too-high chairs.

and i am living life clumsily, but who cares? a life is a life; all you have to do is live it. the rest can come later, after the dust has settled on the windowsill.

06.09.21

Flower of Evil Thoughts- Episode 13

I think for Episode 13's post, I'm not going recap the whole thing. I'm just going to talk about some keypoints throughout the episode that really stuck with me as these posts are taking up too much time to write and gather caps for. I hope you understand.

Alright, so... we are starting off Episode 13 showing us a bit of Heeseong's past. And it would seem that from the time he was a kid, he was a pretty mentally screwed up individual. Such as throwing bricks off the roof and killing a dog. And I don't buy for one moment, one MOMENT that he "can't remember" and that he's stressed over school and depressed. That's just an excuse. Like I said. He walks out of the counselor's room, smirks and brushes off his fake crocodile tears. He uses that to get people to feel pity for him.

And would you look at that. There's Hyunsoo and his creepy dad sitting there at the psychiatric center. Do Minseok calls Heeseong out there asking if he knows why he did that. "Yes. It was because of teenage depression caused by academic stress." LOL No it wasn't. That sounds like such a fake, rehearsed line to get people to feel sorry for you. Anybody who pays close enough attention to you, or is just like you *cough*DoMinseok*cough*

"You've never met someone like you. You don't know how to play. You must've been lonely while doing it."

Oh my GOD you creeptastic man! We don't mold and groom people to turn into serial killers and be buddied up while doing it, regardless of how *like you* this kid might be. Well, at least now we know how Heeseong became Do Minseok's accomplice and prodigy. Ughhh ewww... that whole scene actually gave me chills.

Okay, so back to where we left off last episode. You know, just Heeseong and his father casually dumping Soon Young's body into the trunk of their car and finding out Hyunsoo and is wife are there at the house. Hyunsoo and Jiwon have arrived at the place they weren't planning to arrive, surprise! Or is it... trash mom looks a little nervewracked over the fact that they're just randomly showing up there. She keeps peeking and checking corners to make sure Heeseong isn't within eyeshot. It's not like a murder was just committed in the middle of the hallway of her house after all. She tries to pull the "I'm feeling tired. I'd like for you to come back tomorrow."

Jiwon interrupts with "I know everything." Uh oh...

So they're in, they're sitting down. Trash mom is all agitated again.

"What do you know and how much do you know?" her fidgety ass gets on my nerves.

Without missing a beat, Jiwon looks her dead in the eye.

"What are you hiding and how much are you hiding?" Girl YASSSSS.

And then they start pulling the whole "you know who your husband really is, and so you'll just accept that?"

"First of all, I want you to know, that I'm on his side no matter what happens."

Damn right she is. That's her man. Whether his name is Do Hyunsoo or Baek Heeseong, that her is MAN and she's got his back. She loves him and she will support him, regardless of what happens because that's what a strong wife does.

So trash dad says there are many things the 4 of them could talk about it.

"There's not only four of us. There's one more person this house, right? Where is he?" LOL GIRRRRRRRLLLLL. I REALLY love her. My badass female lead. She's not wasting ANY time.  And they sure did not waste any time in showing Heeseong hooked up and supposedly in that coma. Claiming he could die at any moment. Oh, please. You can't keep this a secret forever.

"We revealed all the secrets we have." LMAO NO YOU HAVE NOT. LYING SACKS A SHIT.

The way Jiwon and Hyunsoo are looking at each other, they BOTH know something is up and that something is not right.

Ohhh, Hyunsoo, you're brave but playing a VERY dangerous game here. I had a feeling that SOMEHOW this trap he set to catch Yeom Sangchul was going to backfire. But Hyunsoo is right. The person who made a deal with Yeom Sangchul to kill him, the person who offered double the amount of money, the ONLY person who knew he'd struck a deal with Yeom Sangchul that night, who knew the exact amount of money he paid Yeom Sangchul was trash dad,  Baek Manwoo. He also wanted him to kill Park Kyung Choon and was going to pay him to leave quietly. All signs point to there's some seriously shady business going on with Baek Manwoo, and I think Jiwon knows this, no matter how much he and his wife try and play up the innocent act.

"I believe I underestimated you." Well, they definitely handled that well.

"Hyunsoo, it's not me." Thing is, trash dad isn't lying. He's not the accomplice for the murders, but he knows who is and him trying to fake both Hyunsoo and Jiwon out is very obvious. If only they knew that Heeseong is not in a coma.

Oh look, the lights just conveniently go out... and here's how we find out that Yeom Sangchul did not go to the summer house. Because Heeseong tells him not to. This guy is really really smart. He's so smart, he's cunning and having that kind of person for a serial killer is rather terrifying if you ask me.

"Something is off. Something doesn't feel right, but I can't figure out what that is."

Jiwon, you're so close... You KNOW something isn't right and I think Hyunsoo can feel it too.

Also, HYUNSOO DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING IN THAT BASKET. DAMMIT. This is going to be how they frame him for the housemaid's murder. I just know it. He's literally handling everything in that basket and getting his fingerprints all over it. They plotted the whole thing with the lights going out, the candles, the mother dropping the basket of items with a tape roll in it.

They had to figure out how they were going to frame Hyunsoo, and this was too perfect. They are so ahead of the game that it's terrifying, and Heeseong is loving it because it really IS all just a game to him. He's a really scary and creepy character. His calculations are spot on with everything. I'm curious how this is going to turn out when Hyunsoo and Jiwon find out Heeseong is alive and out of his coma and he's the one doing this. I really can't get a read on Gong Mija... is she doing this because she fears for her life hence her almost seemingly reluctance? Or is she doing this because Heeseong's her son? I mean she tried to kill him twice now, so...

"Hyunsoo, I've always thought of you as family. That much I was sincere about."

Is she being serious right now? I mean here she is helping frame him for a murder he didn't commit, but is she also cooperating with Heeseong because she doesn't want her son to kill her on one of his crazy rampages? I think she's afraid of her son and fears for her life, but that she actually does care for Hyunsoo because she knows Hyunsoo is not a monster of a man that everyone has spent years making him out to be? I don't know. It's so strange... she's hard to get a read on.

"No matter what you thought of me, I have never wondered what you sincerely felt, not even once."

What does he mean by saying this? That he doesn't really care what she felt? That maybe he actually knows she's always cared for him? Or that maybe she's never given him a reason to wonder about what she sincerely felt in regards to him? The way she's watching him though as he places everything back into the basket she dropped, particularly when he grabs the roll of tape, is unsettling... I really don't get her. Why would she say that? Is she on his side and is just being used by her son and husband? Or is she on her family's side and enjoying plotting against Hyunsoo, tricking him and then framing him for murder? I can't figure her out yet... she's too back and forth and very inconsistent.

Wow... they're very thorough with framing Hyunsoo for this murder. To the point he's pulling hairs out and putting them in their car. More evidence for the police to find that Hyunsoo is the murderer. Heeseong is one formidable foe. He looks far too amused while sprinkling her hair everywhere. As they say in kdrama, AISH!!!

Alright, who's smoking cigarettes and watching Haesoo...? Is there someone else we don't know about?? Does she have a target on her back too? Can we think at all of who smokes in this drama? Has there been anything suggesting a character like that? Also, the person's handprint is on the window. I would think Haesoo would want to tell the cops this...?

You know, I'm with Jiwon on this. I really wish Hyunsoo would stop getting himself involved, but it's almost like he can't help himself. I mean I can't really blame him. Being pushed into almost committing murder (Park Kyung Choon), being told to leave quietly, having a hit put on his life, his wife finding out who he really is, almost having to leave his entire life and family behind and spending the rest of his life on the run? That's a lot for one man to deal with, but if he'd stop getting himself involved, maybe things wouldn't go so far south. Oh who am I kidding. This is kdrama.

And god love him, he's scared to the core for the safety of his family. The very idea that someone like that could exist in his life makes him sick, and the fact that they could reach Jiwon and Eunha terrifies him. This is definitely one of the WORST times he could've picked to discover he has emotions. I feel so sorry for him right now, because  he's doing what every loving father and husband would around the world. He's wanting to protect his family. And I love how Jiwon tells him that they're stronger than that serial killer. I love how they smile at each other, that seems to give him confidence. that she covers his trembling hand with hers to comfort him. Jiwon is so amazingly strong. I just love her. I can't stop loving this incredible character. I may even love her as equally as I love Hyunsoo.

JEONG MISOOK IS ALIVE AND I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT. I CALLED IT!!! I called it from the VERY START of them saying they never found her body and that she is still missing. Kdrama rules. If the body is missing, it likely means that person is alive somewhere. But still I KNEW she wasn't dead. It was a feeling I had since before Park Kyung Choon tried to kill Hyunsoo. It would seem she has no memory of anything. She didn't even know her own name, so it makes me wonder just what happened to this woman?? Hmmm... and how is Sangchul going to use her for insurance? Insurance of what? Is he going to go up against Heeseong now and use Jeong Misook being alive to his advantage? This is definitely interesting.

It's 2:31am and Hyunsoo is getting a call that's waking him. I think that's me every time someone wakes me up haha. That's a pretty late time in the night to be calling anyone though. Annnnd it's Heeseong. That much is obvious. He starts mentioning Jiwon and Eunha claiming he's a fan, but it's more than obvious by the total creep factor of his voice that he indirectly threatening Hyunsoo's family. And Hyunsoo knows this. He can feel it. And the anxiety and fear in him is high now. His family has a target on their backs.

What does he do? Search up the location of the phone number and leaves... oh NO. DO NOT leave the house!!! This is the perfect opportunity they have to continue to frame you for murder. They will use the "You left the house for awhile last night, so where were you?" Hyunsoo, I admire your fierce determination to protect your family and to continue to put together pieces of the puzzle, but this is REALLY REALLY bad... and OOHHHH there's a dash cam on someone's car!!! I mean I get that they're on vacation, but please tell me that dash cam might come into play??

Inside the payphone box written on the wall is

"Hide and seek. I can see you, but you cannot see me." And we know Heeseong wrote that specifically for Hyunsoo. He knew that Hyunsoo would come to that pay phone trying to find him. He's having far too much fun with this. It's nervewracking how calculating he is.

And naturally, people cleaning up the woods would find the body. Of course. Hyunsoo left the house, went to the pay phone and that body is likely buried very close to where he was at. And poor Hyunsoo. He's so stressed out and nervous about the indrectly threatening phone call he received, that while he's pouring breakfast smoothies he made for his family, he doesn't realize he's spilling it out all over the table. Instead, he keeps repeating the sound of the voice from last night's call and comparing it to the accomplice's voice in the threatening message he sent years ago. He knows they're the same.

Jiwon asks if her hubby is okay because he's thinking so hard about something he's spilling smoothie everywhere. Then sweet little Eunha comes running with a hairclip for her daddy to put in her hair for her. Makes me wonder how often he's went shopping with Eunha, picked out little hair clips and things for her as well as do her hair for her in the mornings before school? It's such a sweet thing between father and daughter. But ohhhh, Eunha. Why do kids have such big mouths? Lol He left early this morning and she saw? Ohhhh noooo... Busted. Jiwon knows you left. And saved by the bell. Or rather, the phone ringing. It's not like he can just start telling his family right there in front of the both of them that he received a passive aggressive call last night indirectly threatening their lives.

Eunha's little "Fighting, mom!" Was soooo cute as Jiwon rushes off to work.

I love how protective Hyunsoo is over his precious little girl.

"Eunha, look at daddy. Did you talk to a stranger recently?" "No." "You didn't think first." "Hmmm? No." "Never go anywhere with a stranger. What are the rules?" "I will not go anywhere with a stranger. An adult doesn't ask a kid for help. Mom, Dad or Grandma would never ask someone else to come pick up Eunha."

Look at their big smiles. I love how holds her face in his hands and tells her she did well.

Awww baby girl is hungry! How is she SO CUTE!?

"Dad! My stomach gurgled! Did you hear that?" And when he puts his ear up against Eunha's belly. Goodness my heart melted but then cracked at the same time. I'm so scared for this little family. I'm scared to death for Eunha... she's so precious and innocent. Heeseong worked for human traffickers that also kidnapped and sold off children. I'm so afraid for her. I'm so scared something is going to happen to her.

Alright, so the thumbnail is missing on Soon Young's body again. What is it about Heeseong's obsession with fingernails?? He collects the ones on the left hand from his victims while also biting off his own on his left hand. Is this just how he commemorates the killings of his victims? By collecting their nails? Ughhh GOD he is just so GROSS.

Noona is back at Hyunsoo's shop and confirms to Hyunsoo that the accomplice can't be Baek Manwoo because during the time that he was meeting up with them, someone was watching her. Hyunsoo tells Haesoo about the strange call he received in the middle of the night. Thank GOD she knows this!! This is actually really important, I feel. I'm almost hoping that Haesoo contacts Jiwon to tell her about this after everything goes down. I don't like that Hyunsoo is keeping this a secret from Jiwon. I get why, but I wish he'd tell her. I feel like this is really important. And now Moojin is telling them about the body being found and that it was missing a thumbnail, because neither had any clue about anyone being murdered.

The fact that they found her notebook and her notes inside shows the direct connection she had with the murderer. Jiwon looks unsettled as she's reading the notes and wondering who she'd be referring to when she says "If you do this again, I'll tell madam and Director Baek." And of COURSE the body would be found in Makmun-dong... the same location Hyunsoo was at last night when he was checking where the phone call he received had come from. UGH! The Baeks had this too well planned. How frustrating...

And now that they have identified the body, Sunbae is informing Jiwon that it's her in-law's housemaid. Jiwon thinks back to last night on their drive home when Hyunsoo states he needs to meet with the housemaid. She knows something isn't right and rushes out stating she has something to confirm urgently.

I'm really trying to understand Heeseong's obsession with Hyunsoo. Why is he so obsessed with him? Does it have to do with the fact he's Do Minseok's son? Is there something he has planned in regards to him?

Moojin says something here that I feel is really important.

"Serial killers can't contain their urge to kill. Perhaps it was because they were in a situation where they couldn't do anything for the last 18 years."

He's right. Heeseong was in a coma. That's why he couldn't do anything. That's why the serial killings stopped. I'm sure he worked behind the scenes for awhile with the human trafficking ring, but the night he hit Hyunsoo with the car and tried to bury him alive? That's when everything stopped. His family even went to so far as to lie and state he left the country and was studying abroad. I mean really now.

Awww, Hyunsoo doesn't want his sister being alone and very unsafe and exposed, so he tells her that she needs to stay with Moojin. I'm not really a fan of their pairing, but I do love the fact that Hyunsoo is entrusting her safety to someone. Honestly, I'd rather it be Moojin because there's nobody else out there he can ask or trust to care for her and keep her safe. He makes Moojin promise him that he won't leave Noona alone and that he'll keep her safe.

Hyunsoo, Yeom Sangchul is not someone you can use so easily to get close to the accomplice, especially now that Sangchul has his own ideas and isn't so willing to cooperate with Heeseong now.

I'm really wondering what plans Sangchul has for Jeong Misook. He's not sympathetic over her having it rough. He's gonna get paid? How? Obviously he knows that Baek Heeseong is the accomplice and a serial killer, but since he failed to kill Misook, what are his plans to use this to his advantage? I have to do more thinking on this. If you guys have any ideas of what you think he's going to do, please tell me so we can plot and speculate.

Okay, so Jiwon is fingerprinting her husband and comparing the fingerprints. I'm not so sure she willingly believes that her husband went out in the middle of the night and committed a murder on Soon Young. I think Jiwon knows something is definitely up, because she knows Hyunsoo wouldn't just suddenly at the drop of a hat decide to randomly commit a murder after everything they've been through and after revealing his whole life to her. He had plenty of opportunities where he could have committed murder, but the very idea of it sickens him. He expressed that much on their drive home from the Baek's.

Heeseong continues to disturb the hell out of me more and more. He might love and worship his mother, but I get the feeling that if she made one wrong move, he wouldn't hesitate to murder her ass too. And I think the mother is terrified of her son so she's trying to be careful not to make the wrong move. She doesn't want to set off her serial killer son after all. And just like I said, I KNEW they were going to use Hyunsoo picking up all those items, especially the roll of tape, to their advantage. I knew she was in on setting this trap for him. And she seems almost guilty that she did that, after remembering Hyunsoo gently pulling a string of fuzz out of her hair.

Hyunsoo is calling Yeom Sangchul from the burner phone... And who answers? Well SHIT now. Hyunsoo knows that Jeong Mi Sook is alive!!! And I also feel like this is VERY important and needs to be paid close attention to.

Jiwon enters the shop and starts questioning where Hyunsoo was at. Was it Makmun-dong? So Jiwon tells him who's body they found, and that she was in charge of taking care of a person who's in a coma and that she was the Baek's housemaid? She tells him the fingerprints on the tape turned out to be his, all the while shedding tears.

At first I thought, Jiwon are you kidding me? You're a DETECTIVE. You KNOW where the two of you were last night. You KNOW that your husband disappeared from your side very briefly to help "mother" gather up items she dropped everywhere. You KNOW what kind of man your husband is so WHY are you suspecting him of murder now!? This is NOT your style, this is VERY inconsistent of your character, as well as your claim of "no matter what happens, I'll stand beside him." Those were my first thoughts upon all of this when she tells him he's a murder suspect and she's arresting him without a warrant.

Also, I knew the mother would tell the police that she suspects Do Hyunsoo murdered the housemaid. This whole entire thing orchestrated between the 3 Baeks was too well thought out and too well done. Now the entire police force believes him to be a true murderer and that he's guilty. My stomach just twisted. Sunbae just told all of them that Hyunsoo is Jiwon's husband... oh god...

CAN PEOPLE FOR REAL STOP FRAMING HYUNSOO FOR LIKE FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!? OMG!!! It's unbelievingly frustrating!!!!

Anyway, I don't think Jiwon is suspecting her husband of murder. I think she starts to cry because she knows that he's being framed. She also knows that police are going to find out and will be showing up to arrest him as a murder suspect, so she wants to arrest him first. She even tells him that they will make sure he does not get punished for what he didn't do. Jiwon knows that her husband did not murder that woman and that he's been framed. Jiwon is doing this protect him. She's wanting to take him to the police station because honestly he would be safest there while giving his statement as well, but she is not telling her husband this, because she herself wants to get to the bottom of who's framing him once again. That's what I truly believe. Jiwon has her own agenda, and it makes it hard because she and Hyunsoo are not on the same page.

Hyunsoo seems legit heartbroken that his wife believes him to be a murder suspect. So much to the point that he sees the image of his father, has a flashback to his father telling him this.

"Love can be very cunning. It is very sly. It makes you think you can solve everything, but in the end, it betrays you. Hyunsoo, listen to me carefully. When you feel the urge to trust somebody one day, it means you're becoming weak."

Okay, yes, he is distraught by this. He's genuinely hurt because he thinks Jiwon doesn't believe him. That Jiwon doesn't trust him anymore, so much so that it crushes him and makes him see his father once more telling him this. Jiwon gives him that look because she remembers him "seeing" things before that wasn't there. The fact that his wife would believe for even a moment that  he could be capable of killing anyone has sent Hyunsoo's mental health on a bad decline once again, and I am so worried for him...

"Tell me something. Do you believe me?"

Jiwon can only say "What?" Because I don't think she realizes what's happening to her husband's mental stability right now thanks to her.

"Or deep down inside, do you believe that I really could have killed her?" He tearfully tells her "If you don't even believe me, then who else in the world would believe me?"

And now, here's where I believe Hyunsoo shuts of those emotions long enough to put his own agenda into play. He's not going to trust anyone anymore, because all it's been doing is getting him hurt, getting people out wanting to kill him, putting his family's lives in danger, and even making his wife not believe in him. Like hell he's going to that police station when the lives of his family are in danger and he knows it. I'm pretty sure I know what Hyunsoo is doing. For this moment, he's throwing away love.

It suggests as much from the preview for Ep 14, but it appears to me that he's setting his own trap.

For one, I will say, he's definitely heartbroken over the fact (at least through Hyunsoo's eyes) that his own wife seemingly does not believe nor trust that he did not kill Park Soon Young, so I can understand his hurt here. I think my heart ached for him too. However, I fully believe that the CCTV was a set up, as well as him "attacking" his wife and holding a blade to her throat. That was a set up too.I believe he was trying to show hostility toward his wife to better her chances and give the accomplice less of a reason to want to go after her. Also, back when he attacked Moojin, he had no CCTV set up in his shop at that point in time, because why would he? It's his OWN shop. There's literally zero reason to have a CCTV in there, especially when he never did before. His shop is right below his house. At least I don’t recall ever seeing one in there til this episode. All he did was lock the doors and close the blinds. There was no unplugging cameras at all.

He points Jiwon toward the monitor and he's turning this into a "hostage" situation because now he's been framed, yet again, for ANOTHER murder he didn't commit, and he knows that that accomplice knows about his family. He knows that the strange call he received at 2:31am was from the accomplice and that his family is ultimately in danger and being targeted. He's creating a hostage situation and is going to do his best to get Jiwon and Eunha somewhere safe. I fully and 100% believe this, because that's Hyunsoo's style and because of the preview for the episode. Like him telling his wife in a very gentle voice "We'll see each other again. Don't look at me like I'm going off to die. Wish me luck instead." Also, they're running off together hand in hand. Jiwon doesn't look like she fears for her life.

It would seem like cheap writing for her to just suddenly start randomly suspecting her husband of murder. It's not Jiwon't style and it's horribly inconsistent to her character up til now. I think both Hyunsoo and Jiwon have their own agendas because Hyunsoo kept the secret of the phone call from Jiwon, and Jiwon knows that someone is trying to have him killed, namely the Baeks. Hyunsoo is using the logical side of himself rather than reacting through the emotional side, because emotions CAN make you weak and now he needs to be as calculating in this game as Heeseong does. Now it's his turn to play Hide and Seek while finding out that Heeseong is the accomplice.

My heart is pumping now and I cannot WAIT til next week!!! It's going to be a very long, agonizing wait, these next 5 days.

outtakes [5]

“Well shit, Yunyun — “

“Don’t call me Yunyun. My parents don’t even call me that. Xingqiu doesn’t call me that.”

“ — you’re off the hook now,” Xinyan stares at the travesty unfolding before them. “You’re no longer the easiest target in all of Liyue. How is this guy even alive? This has to be a joke. This is on some kind of camera and we’re being filmed for our reactions. Has to be. There is no way all of this isn’t some kind of elaborate set up. That’s a professional stunt man, there’s a medical team hidden somewhere if something goes wrong, and we are watching a prank show. And Xingqiu definitely calls you Yunyun. Don’t lie.”

Chongyun fiddles with the paper wrapper of his straw, watching the chaos unfolding through the window.

“How come every time we hang out something weird happens?” He asks. “Maybe we’re the ones being secretly filmed for a reality show.”

He pauses before pulling out his phone. “There’s got to be some kind of legal documentation involved for that. You can’t just film people and put them on TV. Waivers have to be signed or something, right? You think Yanfei would know about that kind of thing or Xingqiu?”

“Both. Yanfei’s a nerd who packs in everything she can get her hands on about the law and Xingqiu is just obnoxiously knowledgeable.” Xinyan’s eyes widen. “Is that a fire truck?”

Chongyun startles when his phone starts to ring in his hands, quickly bringing it up to his ear.

“Hey, Aether.” Chongyun’s eyebrows start to raise. And keep raising. Xinyan is torn between watching Chongyun and the spectacle outside. Chongyun whacks her in the arm, eyes wide as his jaw hangs open. “Okay. Alright. Got it. I’ll do my best. I’ll let you know.”

“What?” Xinyan asks, kicking him. She’s wearing her good, thick soled boots. It probably hurts more than his hit to her arm did but Chongyun doesn’t even flinch.

Chongyun hangs up, jumping to his feet and points down to the scene below them.

“Apparently someone’s posting this all over social media. And that’s Aether’s friend.” Chongyun says, “We’ve got to go help him.”

“We?” Xinyan gapes. “We’ve got what? Chongyun, there isn’t helping that guy. Why am I even involved? We? What am I gonna do? Go down there and make a distraction with a mini concert?”

“Maybe," Chongyun snags her jacket sleeve and tugs. “Come on. Aether called us to see if we were in the area and if we could help.”

“Again. We! Who’s we?”

“Alright, he called me, but you’re here so you might as well help.”

“What would he have done if you weren’t so conveniently placed in the area?” Xinyan asks, shooting one last final look through the window before rushing to join Chongyun as they speed walk out of the cafe.

“He’d probably call dage.”

“Xiao-ge doesn’t even live in Liyue Harbor. What’s he gonna do?”

“But he knows literally everyone important who does live here,” Chongyun points out. “Aether might try to call Xiangling. She’s got a weird talent for unexpectedly being in the right place at the right time.”

“I feel like I’m the only one who hasn’t met Aether. How did I miss this guy?”

Chongyun shrugs. “That’s what you get for being popular everywhere but here.”

“Hey! I am a rising star here. I’m just much more appreciated elsewhere. Tell me about this walking train wreck of a guy.”

“His name is Bennett, um. I think he’s in training to be a paramedic or something? I’m not sure. He helped Aether when Aether moved to Mondstadt while his sister went abroad,” Chongyun answers. “And he’s got wicked bad luck. Crazy bad.”

“Maybe your parents should help host an exorcism for him.”

“We’ll see.”

Just before Chongyun and Xinyan can leave the shopping center and enter the street there’s a loud squealing sound. Chongyun throws his arm out in front of her, feet shifting into some kind of martial arts stance. They both gape as a whole car skids out of control and slams into the sidewalk barrier a mere three or so yards from the shopping center’s doors.

Xinyan turns to stare at Chongyun and his one raised fist.

“Were you gonna fight a skidding car?”

Chongyun’s ears turn pink. “Shut up. It’s training. I sense danger and I move.”

“Now what do we do?” Xinyan asks. The crowd on the sidewalk is already gathering to help the driver and whatever passengers are in the car, phones coming out to call for emergency services.

“Another exit?” Chongyun suggests. And then they both jump, turning around at the sound of some sort of loud pop. “Oh, no way. Isn’t that too much?”

“Shit bud, wish it was,” Xinyan says, staring. “Apparently not, though.”

The decorative fountain in the middle of the shopping center’s entryway seems to have…exploded. Or at least the pipes have because now it’s gushing water straight up towards the ceiling and causing the water to splatter everywhere. People are yelling, shop keepers and attendants are rushing to close their doors or lower their steel shutters. The poor hawkers and vendors who don't have a permanent shop are diving to scoop up their goods and pack up their temporary stalls.

“How bad is this guys luck that it’s pouring over into this?” Xinyan asks. “What did he do in his past life? Murder his own parents? How is he not banned from leaving his house or something?”

“Maybe it’s because his karma could sense we were trying to go help him.” Chongyun pulls out his phone. “I’m going to tell Aether he might as well ask someone else for help.”

“Chongyun giving up on helping someone?”

“I’m not giving up. I’m being realistic. What’s next? A power outage?”

“Dude. Don’t tempt fate like that. Maybe it really will be a power outage next.” Xinyan tugs Chongyun into motion. “Come on. We’ve got to find our way around that busted fountain and I’m not looking forward to it.”

I’m gonna lose followers. Oh well... a rant by me.

People who harass others about SHIPPING FICTIONAL CHARACTERS are irksome.

Preface: if you say you don’t want someone role playing a NOTP with you or sending asks about it, or you don’t want secret Santa stuff containing it, if you ask people not to suggest fics with that pairing for your fic collections, if you stay out of your NOTP’s pairing tags, if you choose not to interact with material related to your NOTP, if you blacklist the pairing tag and ask people not to tag your fanwork with your NOTP, if you heed warnings and don’t click something with material you don’t like, I do not have a problem with you.

But if you write novel long posts about why a ship is gross to you and tag the pairing so shippers see it, send people hate over their ships, reblog fanworks of your NOTP with nasty messages to the op of the post, if you make a blog all about hating that ship and anyone who ships it, claim it must be grooming, or if you call people pedophiles or abuse apologists because they wrote something morally heinous in fiction that they will most likely never do irl, I’m not gonna have much respect for you beyond you being a fellow person.

Guess what? Shit you hate is going to exist on the internet. If someone tags their work appropriately or tags with appropriate warnings, you should not be clicking on it and harassing them! They have done what is necessary to protect those pearls you want to clutch.

Banning all questionable material is not going to save people who are targeted by predators and criminals.

Calling people pedophiles because they ship a fictional minor with a fictional adult gives actual pedophiles who go after actual minors a hiding place. These days you can’t tell if someone is an actual pedo or got called one over a ship they ship. Pedos are totally banking on that.

Fiction is supposed to break rules and let people explore dark subjects that are morally messed up because you can close a book or close a website if it gets too weird for you. A child with a predator’s hands on them right this moment can’t click an x or close a book to stop it.

Think about that.

No one is forcing you to go read morally messed up stuff. Not clicking on someone’s creepy fic with your NOTP is nowhere in the same realm as turning a blind eye to actual predators predating on someone.

Running someone off a website because your ass is on fire about them writing a pairing you hate or whatever is not going to stop the bad shit happening in the real world.

Predators and criminals will use anything, so someone’s freaky babyfur smutfic that they wrote to troll a fan website in 1999 is hardly going to normalize bad behavior.

I swear some of you insult the intelligence of people with your moral abuse garbage.

Teaching people to recognize predatory behavior and what to do about it will actually help. Teaching people what is and isn’t a healthy relationship will help.

Remember how people called out Twilight for how unhealthy Edward’s behavior towards Bella was? I’m sure a lot of preteen and teen girls learned to open their eyes a bit more. And I’m sure others still enjoyed the books and movies anyway because it’s fiction. It is the job of parents and guardians to teach their children what is and isn’t healthy in a relationship, but the unfortunate problem there is that can fail if the parents aren’t in a healthy relationship.

That’s why there needs to be more discussions about “this is healthy, that might be fun in a story, but that is not healthy in the real world and anybody who treats you like that is waving abuse red flags” rather than attacking somebody by saying “you’re a monster for shipping that”.

The whole point of art in any form is to create an emotional reaction in the audience.

Fucked up fictional shit exists on the internet. Get over it. I think the fact that people get freaked out by weird stuff in fiction is a clear indicator that it’s not being normalized by that piece of fiction. Flailing about it is not helping anything except your ego. It’s not gonna help survivors who write messed up stuff to cope, it’s going to make them go more silent.

Imagine being someone with an abusive pedo parent who takes comfort in the SessRin ship and being called a pedophile for it, or seeing people in the tag call Sesshoumaru a pedophile. That’s triggering as fuck for somebody.

Imagine being a Starkster going through sexual abuse who takes comfort in the ship, and being called a pedophile for it. Imagine seeing people in the tag call Tony a pedophile. That’s triggering as fuck for somebody.

Imagine having the heinous thing that happened to you being turned onto you as an accusation by people on a moral high horse who forget what pedophile means. That is triggering as fuck for somebody.

Nobody owes you a trauma history in order to be ‘allowed’ to create and post morally messed up fanworks. It’s on YOU to check for warnings and keep scrolling if it’s so offensive to your sensibilities.

What’s better? Discussion of tropes that are harmful if done badly. That’s a place to start. Save the accusations for people who are knowingly doing harm to people and not caring that they’re doing harm.

Go after shit that is actually exploiting actual people right now instead of harassing creators whose trauma you don’t know. Tell pedos their attraction to kids is not a sexuality and they have no place in the LGBTQIA+ community. Warn minors away from MAPs/NOMAPs. Expose predators who have exploitative materials of actual real children. Teach people to recognize predatory behavior like grooming. Find ways to get people out of human trafficking. Question adults if you see them touching or treating a child in a way that doesn’t look right. If you’re a minor and somebody keeps sending you porn material or pictures of their genitalia after you said stop, remind them that you’re a minor and expose the shit out of them. If you’re an adult and know somebody is doing that to a minor you talk to online, help them expose that person. That’s not all you can do, but I can’t think of everything. There’s a lot you can do that will actually help people!

But telling someone not to create something questionable because a predator might misuse it is utter horseshit.

I can bet you anything that every single person who hounds others about their ships has a whole bunch of fucked up stuff they read and never talk about because they know it will get them run off by the same people they use as shields against scrutiny.

I’ve read fucked up shit that I enjoyed because it was done well, but I can grasp that it is not okay to do the same thing in the real world and I would be horrified if I saw somebody doing the same thing in the real world. I am able to experience that moment of being horrified, sit with it and see where the fanwork takes me with that feeling.

I say this after I have just read an awesome morally gray Inuyasha fanfic called “Devour Prometheus” by ladybattousai on AO3. It’s gorey, there is murder, there is abuse, there is exploitation, there are allusions to animal trade and it’s the darkest thing I ever laid eyes on. My stomach twisted several times. It’s a fantastic lens on society right now. (Sesshoumaru’s speech about “don’t hold me to your hypocritical human morality” was epic af.)

And some of you are going to think the author is some kind of violence glorifying freak based only on that.

I feel like a lot of anti shippers and antis in general can’t get past that horrified feeling. They yell that they can’t enjoy the fandom if the material makes a hated pairing canon, so it’s like they don’t want anyone else to enjoy the fandom or the pairing. It’s very immature and scorched earth, and it hurts everyone.

Hey, guess what? I have written pairings with hella huge age gaps. Oh, the horror!

OptimusxMikaela? I headcanon Optimus as being 10 billion + years old, and Mikaela was 18 when they hooked up. Mikaela ages as the stories carry on through the years as my Danceverse series, so she’s in her 30s currently. They fucked and still fuck explicitly.

UnicronxStarscream? Unicron is as old as the universe, so 13 billion + (headcanon), and Starscream is probably 11 million or so (headcanon). They fuck explicitly.

Whouffaldi? The 12th Doctor is 2000+ and Clara is in her 20s. They fuck explicitly.

BeastGojixMiki? Godzilla has been alive for probably close to 65 years in the story, but he acts more like he’s in his 20s and he looks to be in his 20s when he turns back into a human. Miki is 18. They fuck in the story, but it’s written non explicitly.

Bowser JrxOC? Cherry is an oc who is 19. I aged Junior up in that story to be about 20. Their ages aren’t specified, but they’re mentioned to be adults. They fuck in the story, but it’s written non explicitly.

I have written fanfics with rape, abuse, murder, manslaughter, bdsm, stuff that’s morally messed up, etc, and I’m not a murdering rapist who eats children now, am I?

No, because I have no desire to do those things in the real world (because some are not possible...cuz I would date Optimus 😛) and I can distinguish fiction from reality. I can grasp the concept that fiction / art is not always endorsement.

Now get a grip on yourselves, put the pitchforks down and stop policing people’s imaginations.

Pleasure is my Business

It was another late night. Hotch smiled as he watched Piper playfully tug Spencer out of the office, childishly mocking his statistical citations while Penelope hooked her arm around Derek’s with Rossi, Emily and JJ making fun of the group as they walked to the elevator. But unlike them, who stuck together because they had no-one else, he did have a family. And that life had walked away from him. He settled back down into his chair and switched his laptop on. He opened the file Haley had sent him, watching his son ride his bike for the first time, desperately wishing he could be there. An open smile broke onto his face as his son said hi to him. When was the last time he’d said hi back, the last time he’d held his son? But the very reason he couldn’t was the same reason he couldn’t watch the rest of the video. A few weeks ago, it was a case in Alabama. Today, one in Dallas. And there would be another one tomorrow. And it would never stop. That’s how Hotch found himself in an SUV, not heading home, but headed to the airport. It’s how he found himself in Dallas, Texas in a pristine hotel, in front of another dead body. 

“The lawyers want it classified as a suicide. I’m hoping this consult will help buy us more time.”

“Well, first of all, no-one takes Viagra before committing suicide.” Hotch held up a packet with one gloved hand. “He have a wife?”

“Yeah, at home with the kids.”

“So, mistress or prostitute?”

“Agent Hotchner, what I'm about to tell you is confidential information. It's not to be included in any reports. Every Wednesday, Ashford withdrew $10,000 out of a fund in cash. Today was no different.”

“So, a high-end prostitute,” he concluded.

“We interviewed the valet, the concierge, no one saw her.”

“Well, that's not surprising. These women know how to be discreet.” Hotch ripped off his gloves as they walked to the elevator. “You said this isn’t the first?”

“No. We think it’s the second.”

“Well, I’m going to have to call my team.”

“Understood. Anything you need?”

“I just need a place for my team to set up and all your case files.”

“We don't have as much on Michael Stanton, but I'll send it over. I'll be in touch in the morning. Thank you, Agent Hotchner.” Hotch shook the detective’s hand before getting into the elevator with a young blonde woman, her hand resting on a suitcase.

“What floor?”

“Uh…16, thank you.” Hotch patiently watched the elevator doors, ignoring the woman standing slightly behind him.

“Long night?”

“Uh, kind of. Yeah.”

“Yeah. Me, too. These Tokyo markets are killing me.” The doors opened at her floor and she excused herself, wishing Hotch a good night as she dragged her suitcase over the lush carpeting, slowly unbuttoning her silk white blouse, exposing creamy white skin covered by black lace. Reaching up, she undid the tight, messy bun and waited for her client to open the door.

Meanwhile, Piper groggily answered her phone. “Hotch, it is 4 in the morning. Why are you still awake?”

“We have a case in Dallas. I’m already here.”

“Shit, did I miss the flight?”

“No. I was asked to come here personally, as a consult. The jet will be waiting at 7 to bring you all here.” Piper yawned.

“Okay. We’ll be there.” Piper turned her cell of, dumping it on the mattress before she padded over to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. By 6, she’d showered, grabbed breakfast and packed her bag and by 7, was on the jet, sitting opposite to Spencer and next to Emily. She was on her fourth cup of coffee by the time the others joined them, and they started discussing the case.

“Female serial killers are a fascinating field,” Spencer started. “We don't have much information on them, but what we do know involves throwing the rules completely out the window. Signature, for instance. They don't torture or take trophies. Murder is the goal.”

“Incidentally, the first recorded serial killers were women,” Piper remarked. “In ancient Rome, a group of women were rumoured to have been poisoning dozens of men. Livy staged a huge trial and had the women drink their own concoction since they claimed it was harmless.” Rossi stared at her and she apologised quickly. “Basically, women are more efficient at killing.”

“So, assuming that the job is the stressor, what are some of the reasons prostitutes kill their customers?” Derek put forward.

“Money, drugs, post-traumatic stress disorder,” Piper suggested.

“At some point, every call girl, no matter how well paid, gets coerced into an activity she didn't consent to,” Rossi added.

“Aileen Wuornos used to purposefully stage paid sexual encounters as an excuse to murder men she thought would rape her,” Emily suggested.

“But Wuornos was psychotic and disorganized. I think this girl's poisoning them before she has sex with them,” Hotch remarked from the laptop.

“She's using tetra-methylene-disulfotetramine. It's a popular rat poison in China, easily soluble in alcohol.”

“It’s the perfect MO. Quiet, quick…” Piper trailed off.

“And the victims never see it coming because they think they're getting lucky,” Rossi finished.

“At $10,000 a night, these men are paying for discretion as well as sex. She has a history with them. They see her repeatedly. She didn't decide to kill them in the moment. She walks in with the intent to kill them and she's doing it before she sleeps with them.”

“So, she's not just organized, she's also methodical. She decides early which one of her clients are worth killing,” Morgan noted. “Maybe the victims all share the same fetish.”

Piper sighed. “Both males were in their 50s, highly visible, both married a few times with kids. Maybe she was just repulsed by them.”

“And we're facing a corporate culture that'll do everything it can to keep us out,” Emily scoffed.

“Actually, I may have had some luck there,” JJ announced. “Hoyt Ashford’s wife wasn’t happy with how he died. But there’s another bad news. The hedge fund released a statement.” JJ passed over a printed document to Derek and Piper.

"Ashford died peacefully in his home, according to lawyer David Madison," Derek read out. Piper noticed Spencer’s eyebrows furrow.

“What’s up?”

“Does that language sound familiar to anyone else?” Spencer rummaged through his pile of papers before reading out another statement. “According to company lawyer, Stanton died peacefully in his home.”

“Sounds like the same person wrote it,” Hotch noted. As the plane hit the tarmac, Hotch told Prentiss and Morgan to start interviewing the wife and JJ to call both lawyers.

^-^

Derek sipped the glass of soda Mrs Ashford set on the table while Emily asked her questions. “We think your husband might have been targeted because of something... sexual he did with this call girl. We know this is hard, but is there anything you can tell us about what he liked?”

“In bed? I can sum it up in one word. Younger.”

“How much younger?”

“24, 25. It's... That was when I met him.”

“So, your age difference was part of the attraction?”

“Are you kidding? It was the whole relationship.”

“Mrs. Ashford, no offense, but... Your husband spent a lot of money on this woman. Was there anything else at all that he liked from a younger woman besides the ego boost?”

“There's a certain kind of man, agent, for whom the only kind of sex that matters is the ego boost. But in a marriage like ours, you have to work at it. Or in my husband's case...pay for it.”

Meanwhile, Hotch waited inside a hotel for the lawyers, and yet neither showed up. Instead, a middle-aged woman approached him, shaking his hand firmly as she introduced herself. “Ellen Daniels. Bardwell Consulting. They called me to consult on the press releases. My firm specializes in strategic risk management for firms around the city.”

“So, you're a problem solver.”

“And we have a mutual one, don't we?”

“Do you know who this girl is?”

“No. Well, one of your clients might. That's the point.”

“Well, they're not gonna open up to either one of us about it.”

“Then they're putting themselves at risk.”

“Yes, I understand that, but you see, my hands are tied. None of these men are going to admit that they have a professional girlfriend.”

“I can subpoena their financial records.”

“Then I would have to file about a year's worth of injunctions to stall you. Now, who needs that kind of hassle?”

“Ms. Daniels, this is not a game. I need a phone number, if not of this particular girl, then someone like her, someone we can talk to.”

“No escort will agree to sit down with the FBI. But I have something better for you, assuming you might be willing to overlook certain legal niceties.” The lawyer reached into her purse, pulling out a card. “Do you want to buy a house?”

“No.” Hotch kept his face neutral, attempting to analyse what she was offering him. She forced the card in his hands and her heels clicked against the marble floor. Hotch dialled Spencer, detailing the address and instructions.

^-^

Piper waited for Spencer to stumble off her bike, grabbing his arm before he fell off the curb. “You okay?” Her question was muffled by the helmet. “It takes a little getting used to.” He straightened his cardigan while Piper unbuckled her helmet, latching it around her bike handle.

“You know, there were 4,462 motorbike fatalities this year alone,” he said, watching her clip her hair up. “There’s also a reported 80% chance of injury or death on a motorcycle in the event of an accident compared to 20% in passenger vehicles.”

“And motorcycles are about twice as fuel efficient as cars.” Piper unhooked her leg from the bike. “Also, they were a massive part of Allied strategy in World War 1.” Her mouth drew into a line as they surveyed the house up for sale. “So, we’re supposed to meet a madam here?”

“Actually, there's a lot of overlap between real estate and sex work. Property is a safe and inspection-Free investment for large sums of cash. Your brownstone used to be owned by a gigolo.”

“That’s comforting,” she murmured as a middle-aged woman approached the two. “Hi, beautiful day, isn’t it?” Piper beamed at the woman while Spencer looked at Piper confusedly.

“Sorry, are you—”

“Isn't this neighbourhood just fabulous?” The woman interrupted Spencer, and he looked almost injured by her reaction. “And you're gonna love this house.” As they walked into the house, she murmured something to them. “You two need lessons in faking it. I teach a class.”

“Uh, I'm... I'm sorry. I just... I want to be clear,” Piper murmured as soon as the three were alone. “You are a madam, right? You arrange dates for escorts?”

“All I arrange are meetings. What happens between two consenting adults when that meeting is over is something that I'm not liable for. Now... who wants a scone?” The woman beamed before walking over to the sitting room. Spencer made a face quite similar to a polite cat and they walked over. While Piper munched on her scone, Spencer asked her the preliminary questions about the unsub killing these men. “Oh, yes. We all know about this woman. She's terrible for business.”

“I guess there's only so many men that can, uh, afford the service you provide.”

“Well, that's certainly true. But the way she's behaving, she's only hurting herself.”

“And why is that?”

“An escort's client list Is the most important investment she has. It's her daily income and her retirement package when she sells the list.”

“So, she isn't working with a service, is she? No madam would allow an escort to kill off the clientele.”

“What about the, um, type of work your employees do?” Piper choked as a deep blush entered his cheeks. “We're sort of operating under the assumption that this escort is, um, killing men who... make her perform a... specific sexual act.”

“What did you have in mind, sweetie?”

“I... I don't even... I don't know.” Piper swallowed both the scone and her giggle.

“I think what my colleague is trying to say is,” Piper amended as Spencer’s voice faltered. “Why would a man pay an escort 5 figures if it was just for sex?”

“Of course, you've got to be good in bed to be successful. But that's the easy part. What men want more than the no strings attached sex is a therapist. Someone who will absorb the worst parts of their personalities.”

“If I got paid 5 figures to be a therapist, I would not be here,” Piper murmured. “So, she isn’t killing men because of the sex.”

“I can tell you that if the sex was the reason why she was killing these men, she would have broken long before she charged $10,000.”

“So, it isn't how these men act in bed, it's how they act out of it,” Spencer surmised. They thanked the woman and as they left, Spencer noticed Piper’s lips quivering. “Go ahead. Laugh at me.” Piper stubbornly shook her head; afraid a laugh would bubble out if she even opened her mouth. She settled herself on the bike and felt a small flutter as Spencer’s hands lightly rested on her hips.

“Ready?”

^-^

Piper and Spencer filled the team in on their findings and one by one as the hours slipped past, each went back to their hotel rooms. First was JJ and Emily who had been forced out by Hotch after an attempted paper ball war. Next was Derek and Rossi who were sick of drinking coffee. Spencer nudged Piper whose head was resting on her palm, eyes fluttering closed and she agreed to leave before noticing Hotch still inside. She let Spencer wait outside for a minute while she checked on Hotch. “Hey, boss? You wanna come back to the hotel with us?”

“No, but you go ahead.” Piper was divided. On the one hand, she deeply cared for her boss. On the other, she wanted to keep her job.

“Hotch, don’t make me bring Spencer here to spout statistics on sleep deprivation. C’mon, your work can wait till morning.” His pen faltered as he remembered a memory, back when he was a lawyer.

“Aaron, come back to bed,” Haley begged, wrapping two arms around his neck. He felt her lips brush his hair, then his cheek. “Don’t make me tease you.”

“Haley, I have to get this—” His excuses melted away as her lips reached his ear. “Hales—” Her lips brushed against his neck and he surrendered as her lips sucked along his jawline. He turned, pulling her into his lap as his lips met hers, the case file left aside. He rose, her legs wrapped around his waist as he lowered her onto the bed—

“Hotch… You there?” He looked up, eyes meeting Piper’s gaze.

“Yeah, let’s go.” He closed his file, getting up to leave when his phone rang. “Yeah…No, I’m still at the precinct…Okay, we’ll be right there.” He closed his cell, slipping it into his pocket while Piper gazed at him expectantly. “There’s been another murder.”

“Okay, should we call in the team?”

“We’ll wait. Anyone else still here?”

“Just you, me and Reid. SUV’s waiting outside.”

^-^

Piper felt sick as she observed the slightly chubby man stripped to his underwear limp in his chair, a lipstick mark on both eyes in the shape of an ‘X’. “Apparently he was the CFO here.”

“Poisoned and staged. So much for no signature,” Piper scoffed.

“The lipstick’s new. Done postmortem,” Reid noted. “She wants to be noticed.” They turned to observe the commotion near the taped off area. The man barged through, asking for Aaron Hotchner before introducing himself as Larry Bartlett.

“I represent Mr. Fielding in Webster Industries.”

“This is a closed crime scene, Mr. Bartlett.”

“Yes. I spoke to Ellen Daniels. She said you're a very reasonable man.”

“Escort him out, please.”

“No, wait. Please. The press is outside, and they can smell blood. Any way we can handle this discreetly?”

“We're not about to lie for you,” Piper voiced.

“You don't have to lie. Just don't comment.”

“Excuse us,” Hotch said as he pulled Piper and Spencer aside. “Is there any reason to go public yet?”

“Validating her is exactly what she wants,” Spencer advised.

“If we hold back, she's more likely to make a mistake,” Piper surmised.

“He doesn't need to know that.” Piper tried not to beam at Hotch, and they returned to the lawyer.

“We need everything you have on Fielding. Bank accounts, tax records, emails, everything.” He made a show of thinking about Hotch’s deal before shaking his hand. Hotch offered to drive but Piper waved him off, saying she wanted to enjoy the quiet night air.

Aaron drove the SUV back to the hotel and dragged himself to the hotel room, knees buckling at the sight of a bed and despite his best wishes, he was knocked out on the mattress, not even bothering to change. Down the corridor, Emily, Piper and JJ played cards on JJ’s double bed, refusing to let Spencer join for his card counting ability despite his eager protests. Instead, the boys played a few rounds of poker before going off to bed.

Piper walked into the precinct, chatting with JJ about Henry, but their conversation halted as she saw Spencer and Hotch drowning in mountains of files. “This…is everything?”

“Yep!” Spencer was way too cheerful for a job this menial. But she held her tongue, instead gratefully accepting Emily’s coffee. She dumped her bag and started with the first file.

“What are we looking for?”

“Essentially, anything that tells us why he was murdered.” They worked in silence as Spencer devoured the files, his brain working overtime. It was at times like these where Hotch really appreciated the little genius, but the more they worked, the more he noticed Piper’s discomfort in dealing with numbers. Even though he was meant to be analysing his victim’s financial behaviour, he couldn’t help analysing Piper’s fidgeting or how she kept biting her lip. He desperately wanted to shake her, to drill into her head that her numeracy skills, or rather the lack of them, weren’t why she was on the team. Instead, he grabbed the file she was holding and asked her to write up notations on their victim’s behaviour. A complicated mixture of relief and sadness descended on her as she grabbed a marker and moved to the board. 18 cars, 6 houses, and 3 boats. Half a million for a BatCave. But her pen faltered, and she whirled around to face them. A question was formed but never spoken. Instead she rummaged through files for recognisable documents. A smile graced her face as she pulled out four marriage documents as well as a few birth certificates. “How’d we miss those?” JJ laughed at Spencer’s bemused face.

“Because we weren’t looking for them,” Piper beamed. “Did he spend money on any of them? Alimony, child support, anything?” Hotch smiled before Garcia spoke up over the answering machine.

“You know, considering that when Kevin takes me to dinner and a movie, he defaults on his student loans, this amount of money is sick.”

“What did you find?”

“Well, all 3 of our dearly departed rich guys were embroiled in bitter court battles over how much to pay in alimony and child support, and even when the court ruled in the wife's favour, which was almost always, these 3 charmers just, you know, decided not to pay.”

“Garcia, can you generate a list of high-profile Dallas CEOs who are holding out on their ex-wives?”

“One loaded losers list, Dallas edition, comin' at ya. Penelope out.”

“So, why would a prominent businessman who could easily pay child support refuse to?” Emily asked the group from her seat opposite Hotch.

“For this type of overachieving personality, paying money after the marriage ends probably offends him,” Spencer noted, nodding sadly.

“They're spending tens of thousands on an escort, but they won't drop a dime on their wife and kids? That's cold.” JJ just shook her head.

“Narcissistic, self-absorbed, a pathological avoidance of paternal responsibilities,” Piper mused. “Meanwhile, most prostitutes come from broken homes, she's listening to pillow talk. Could serve as some sort of trigger.”

“How their ex-wives are cheating them out of money,” Hotch followed along. “How their kids are nagging them. Everything that these men take for granted and that she never had.”

“Well, should I assemble the police for a profile?”

“I just don't think it's gonna help. She lives in a completely different world than they do.”

“Same with the news-watching public,” Emily added. “And the CEOs who sleep with her won't admit to it.”

“Like I could even get past the team of lawyers protecting them.”

“What if we give the profile to the corporate lawyers?” The group looked at Piper and Hotch turned the thought over in his head.

“They've cleaned up after her, even if they don't realize that they've seen this woman. Because every time we've approached them, they've circled the wagons.”

“What makes you think this is going to be any different?”

“Because she's putting them at risk, too.”

^-^

The BAU was scattered around the large conference room as the lawyers gathered in the room, Ellen Daniels in front of them all. Poetically fitting, Piper thought as she leaned against the wall to ceiling window, watching Hotch start delivering their profile. “We're looking for a white woman between the ages of 25 and 30. She's paid between 10- and $15,000 per session, and she's very well versed in the world of money and privilege.”

“Even though she's a call girl, she doesn't look like one,” Emily continued. “She could pass as a businesswoman or a co-worker.”

“You've probably written up her personal expenses as losses. Shoes, jewellery, clothing. Your bosses pay her in cash, but they may also be paying her in other ways...” Spencer added. “Taking care of her, a new car, paying for her medical bills, even.”

“She probably didn’t grow up with a father figure, and she’s now turning that rage toward clients who walk out on their families,” Piper finished, waiting for a lawyer with a raised hand to ask their question.

“What's going to happen once this woman is caught?”

“She'll be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,” Hotch answered.

“What about the other men she's sleeping with, the ones she doesn't kill? Will they be prosecuted?”

“Right now, we're concentrating on stopping her from killing again.”

“That's all well and good, but our employers are going to ask us about the risks involved in cooperating with an FBI investigation.”

“Tell your employers that the risk is not only a physical one. She's compromising privileged information as well. After she sleeps with these men, they talk to her. It's part of the release they get in seeing her.”

“All that dirty laundry you've worked so hard to cover up...” Emily continued. “She knows it. As long as she's out there, it's not just your clients that are vulnerable. Your firms are, too.” A young woman in the back raised her hand, stepping forward.

“Excuse me. I'm Allison Barnes. I'm a lawyer at Webster Industries where Joseph Fielding worked.” Her superior attempted to hush her but Hotch stepped in.

“We'd like to hear what she has to say. Go ahead, Ms. Barnes.”

“A while back, I, um, looked at some paperwork that Mr. Fielding filed about a penthouse downtown. I asked him what he'd be using it for, and he just kind of chuckled and said it was for a friend. Is that the kind of information you're looking for?” JJ stepped forward to ask if she had an address and as soon as they did, they moved quickly to the SUVs. Piper strapped on her vest as the others moved off in their SUVs and plugged the communications mic in her ear before starting her bike, roaring towards the hotel downtown. She skidded to a stop just next to Dave and Derek before hopping off and double checked her gear. She pocketed the keys as Hotch’s SUV pulled up and they moved in on the penthouse. They cleared the rooms quickly and Piper holstered her gun, walking over to the bookshelf. Meanwhile, Derek and Emily covered her bedroom.

“You got anything?”

“She’s too smart to leave receipts lying around.”

“Yeah. Ruins the mystique,” Derek scoffed as he opened the wardrobe. “She’s gotta be whatever the customer wants.”

“Hey, look at this.” He turned and walked over to Emily who stood near the vanity with a small ring. “There’s a lot of high-end jewellery here and then there’s this.”

“It’s way too small to be an adult’s,” Derek said, holding up the ring on his pinkie finger. She probably kept it from her childhood.”

“Oh, it's a purity ring.” Emily’s voice turned soft. “By wearing it, you promise to save yourself for marriage.”

“She broke that promise a long time ago.” Derek turned back to the wardrobe, smirking as he called out Emily’s name. She walked over as he held out the black leather lingerie to Emily’s body. “Got a whip?” Emily swatted him and walked outside to Piper who was engrossed in a leatherbound novel.

“You find something?”

“Yeah, antique first editions. Voltaire in French too. Lady’s got taste.” Piper looked up at Emily. “A serial killer, yes, but with great literary taste.”

“Anything else?”

“Umm… he was a spy for the French government for a brief period, but he wasn’t very good at it. Frederick the Great caught on very—”

“About the unsub, Piper?”

“Oh. Well, like I said. Good literary taste and she probably didn’t fake it. See the cracked spines. Definitely read it a few times.”

“Meaning she’s well-educated. Maybe even came from money the whole time.” The ring came from behind Emily and Piper tilted her body around her to see the machine ring before yelling for Hotch as a child would when they broke something. The team circled around the machine like it was the first time they’d seen one. Derek dialled Garcia. Emily stood by, letting the phone go to voicemail. The expected beep came and went, and an almost bored voice sang through the telephone.

“Aaron. I know you're up there. Pick up. Aaron Hotchner.” Without hesitation, he picked up.

“Hello?” The team couldn’t hear the other side of the conversation and so, as expected, the conversation became very confusing, very quickly. “I'm at a disadvantage. You seem to know my name, but I don't know yours. Can we start there? Who says you can't? No... it’s flattering to be noticed by a woman like you…But I've disappointed you, haven't I? Just like all the other men in your life who've walked out on their families, who deserve to be punished…No…my wife left me…I have a son…I try to see him every week…I try to see him every week…No, I don't get there as often as I want…How am I a whore?” Piper raised her eyebrows to Rossi who looked just as perplexed as she did. Derek urged Garcia to work faster, signalling that she needed more time.  “But I'm just frustrating you, aren't I? Well, you want to show the world all these bad men and my investigation's just getting in your way… I'm only interested in finding you. You've been betrayed so many times, you don't know who to trust, and that's why that first murder felt so good. But each one since has been less and less satisfying. You know that's going to continue. Am I right?... Come to me and turn yourself in. I will make sure that you get the help you need. I won't let you disappear.” Hope swelled in Piper’s chest as Derek mouthed to Hotch. Just a little longer. But before he could utter another word, he heard a gunshot resound in the distance. “Hello?” But the line was dead, and so was someone else.

^-^

Piper paced in the penthouse while Spencer watched her. “Piper…”

“No. Someone else is dead and it’s—”

“It’s not your fault, Pipes.” She whirled around to face him.

“Isn’t it? It’s our responsibility to protect these people. Except people are dying and for the life of me, I can’t figure it out.” She breathed in deeply, trying not to cry. She walked out onto the balcony, gazing down at the people below.

“Sonder.” Piper looked at Spencer lean against the railing next to her, her honey brown eyes falling to his amber ones. “The realisation that each random passer-by is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.” Piper smiled softly. Only he could do that. “We’ll figure it out. As a team. Because that’s how we work best.” Piper closed her eyes, letting the wind whip at her hair. For just a moment, Spencer caught the exact snapshot of serenity, memorising it before it was over. She breathed in deeply then turned around to face Spencer, determination etched on her face.

“Can we listen to the audio?”

They huddled next to Piper’s laptop, listening intently to the unsub’s voice. “Her use of the word whore is interesting.”

“To say the least. I mean who looks at Hotch and goes, that’s a whore.” Spencer snorted quietly.

“I meant that it suggests she's trying to disassociate herself from her actions.”

“Except she's become more personal with the murders. She's changed her MO from poison to a gun.” Spencer nodded. “And she changed her victimology. Trent Rabner was faithful to his wife until she died. They didn't have kids.”

“Her whole justification for who's worth killing and who isn't is gone. She's obviously devolving,” Spencer noted, nodding.

“This is going to get ugly. She could go on a spree and take out anyone she sees as a target.” Spencer’s eyes glazed over, as they did when he thought too hard.

“The purity ring Emily found... she said it was tiny?”

“Only a little girl could wear it. She wouldn't buy that for herself. It was a gift.”

“Maybe she was given it by her father.”

“Well, if her father was anything like these CEOs, he probably walked out on her, too.” Spencer got up, starting to pace and Piper leaned back against the plush sofa as she watched.

“Ok, so, you're rich, you decide to start sleeping with men who are like your father to get back at him. How do you go about finding clients?”

“Could she have started with the service?”

“She wouldn't need to. Remember the madam said that she trains these girls how to act around these men? This unsub already knows how to do that.”

“She said something else, too. She said that your client list was like your 401k. You sell it when you retire. So maybe our unsub bought her client list from another call girl.”

“It makes sense. They're expensive names. Only someone who came from money could afford it.” Piper grabbed her cell to call Hotch, updating him on the new profile. She put the cell back in her pocket.

“Hotch will give us the address when he gets it from Daniels. Coffee?” The two packed their things and went downstairs to the café across the street.

Meanwhile, Hotch and Rossi glared down at Ellen Daniels who sat in the armchair in their office. “You're kidding.”

“You keep tabs on who your clients sleep with. You know who got out of the game,” Rossi stated bluntly.

“You're asking me to violate attorney-client privilege.”

“We're asking you to help us catch a killer.”

“Well, let's say that your profile is correct, and she is the daughter of my client. If I do this, I'm gonna need immunity on the back end.” Rossi looked to Hotch who was as grim as always. “Come on, boys, give it up. I mean, you two know how this game is played.”

“Yes, we do. So, here's the deal.” Hotch’s voice was calm and tempered, threat gently laced in his words. “Give us the information we want, or I'll arrest you on the spot for obstruction of justice. And while you're sitting in Dallas central booking waiting to make your one phone call, I'll have the entire white-collar division from the FBI here from Quantico, and they'll turn your offices upside down until we find what we want. That's my offer.” He grabbed the file on his desk and walked out, leaving Rossi with Ellen. Unwillingly, she gave him the address.

^-^

Piper let the helmet slide off her head, her hair wispy underneath. She tied it quickly with the elastic Spencer offered as they approached the door. They pulled out their badges simultaneously, asking for Katherine. Piper smiled at a little boy bounding over to his mother. “Oh, honey, go play with your toys, ok? Come in.”

“Thank you.” Piper and Spencer gave her the profile and Katherine sighed.

“Her name’s Megan. Megan Kane.”

“And her father was a client of yours?”

“Andrew. He was one of my 8 regulars. He's a VP at Ebbett Oil now, I think. I saw him for 6 years.”

“And does your son—”

“No. After I retired, I... wanted something good in my life.”

“6 years is a long time to see one call girl,” Spencer commented.

“Most men only have room for one affair at a time.”

“How did Megan know about you?”

“Andrew left his wife because of me. Of course, he... married someone else, but... I wasn't surprised.”

“You must have been surprised she wanted your list. Megan had all kinds of opportunities in life. Didn't you wonder why she wanted to follow your career path?”

“Megan didn't want to be a call girl. She wanted me to go away. She said that after I ruined her parents' marriage That I ruined her life, too. She bought my list so that nobody else would.” Piper nodded, getting up slowly.

“Thank you so much for all your help.” The little boy came running back, hugging his mother’s leg. Piper leaned down, gently bopping his nose. “Take care of your mom, she’s one in a million.” She straightened and they left the house.

By the time they returned to the precinct, they had a brief background of Megan. “So, here’s what we know,” Derek started as they returned. “Parents divorced 8 years ago. After the divorce, she travelled internationally.”

“We're not sure when she came back,” Emily continued. “But she kind of fell off the grid, which is easier to do when you're making tens of thousands of dollars a night.”

“Garcia put a trace on her father, communications, accounts, the whole nine.” JJ leaned back in her chair. “I also forwarded the picture to Dallas PD and upscale hotels,” she directed to Hotch who stared with startling recognition at the woman projected on the screen.

“I saw her 2 nights ago in the elevator of my hotel. Call Ebbett Oil. Tell Andrew Kane I need to meet with him as soon as possible.” Piper glanced at her wristwatch as Hotch left.

“Lunch anyone?”

“I know a place,” Rossi provided. He pulled out his own cell to put in an order. Hotch returned a few hours later and Piper pointed him over to a gnocchi dish on the table.

“We have a tail on Kane at his home and office,” Hotch updated through large bites of pasta.

“We sure this is gonna work?” Derek asked him.

“He knows where Megan is. He'll contact her. To protect his reputation if nothing else,” Hotch sighed deeply, finishing his lunch in a little under 4 minutes flat. While Derek timed Piper and Emily’s race on how fast they could finish their Cokes, Garcia called them with an update.

“Andrew Kane just reserved a room at the Wilmore Hotel, Room 2257 to be exact. Can I get an ick-ick-icky on making an appointment with your own daughter?”

“Megan won't show up until she's sure Kane's there,” Rossi added as Piper lost the race. Emily gave out a burp and JJ laughed, passing her a napkin. “Maybe we should’ve thought twice about adopting them.”

“You make it sound like it was a choice,” Aaron smirked before telling JJ to make sure nobody moved until they got there. Piper and Emily changed into their formal wear despite protests on Rossi not needing to change. His rebuttal was that he always wore Italian suits. There was nothing to change into. Emily switched into a stunning ruffled black dress with a single shoulder. Piper had learnt from her last undercover encounter and changed into a comfortable midnight blue wrap dress. She fixed her thigh holster, checking with Emily that it wasn’t visible. They drove together before walking separately to the hotel and settling casually into their positions. Hotch entered in his usual two-piece suit, eyes inconspicuously sliding from Rossi at the bar with a glass of whiskey, then Piper with her back to the corner with a champagne flute and as he made his way to the elevator, he glanced to Emily at the back entrance playing pool. He walked into the security room to find Spencer watching the front entrance far too closely than necessary. He sighed internally at the ineptitude of his two agents. Looks like Dave was right about that bet. “Reid, what do we have?”

“I haven't seen Kane or his daughter down here.”

“There's a lot of entrances. We could have missed one,” Hotch said pointedly and Spencer was smart enough to redden slightly.

“Um… Morgan’s waiting inside the hotel room.” As though on cue, his voice erupted irritably through the mics.

“Guys, he didn’t show up. Daniels did.”

“Derek, if you’re suggesting I had to wear this dress for nothing, I will—”

“Ah, c’mon angel. Not for nothing. Me and Pretty Ricky don’t always get to see you all dolled up.” Spencer blushed again and he watched Piper struggle to hold back a smile.

“You know what, Derek, I’m gonna go tell Penelope that you secretly hate her food and watch as she destroys you.”

“Ouch. You hurt me angel.” Spencer and Hotch left the hotel to the van, joined shortly by Daniels followed by Derek being whacked by Piper, then Emily and Rossi.

“There are 4 luxury hotels in the area that the unsub frequents,” Hotch noted to the team. “We could split up, but we'll go in blind.”

“Ivory marble,” Spencer added. “She mentioned it on the phone. The men who walk through the ivory marble foyer.”

“The Chase Regent,” Ellen piped up from behind.

“Are you sure?”

“Andrew liked it there.” Hotch started driving towards the Chase Regent, navigated by Spencer who yelled out directions. They got there too late, the van pulling up to the hotel as JJ organised a perimeter from their base. They split into pairs, Bishop and Reid with logistics, the rest dividing into two groups taking the floors one by one from top to bottom. By the fifth room, Derek kicked the door in while Hotch raised his firearm, dropping it to his side at the sight of the petite blonde sitting placidly on a lounge chair in the balcony, an empty champagne flute next to her.

“We’re too late,” Morgan said and Hotch walked over to the young woman.

“Nothing will change,” she said, unprompted as Hotch walked over. “They'll just go back to doing whatever they want and keep getting away with it.”

“Not if I have anything to do with it.”

“Who was it who said, "you don't pay a prostitute for sex, you pay her to leave afterwards"?”

“It was Dashiell Hammett.”

“It doesn't make sense. The men always leave first.” She sighed deeply, handing over a SIM card to Hotch. “I'd give anything to see his face right now.” Hotch took it, holding her hand. “How could your wife have ever left someone like you? You're the first man I ever met who didn't let me down.” She turned to him. “Will you stay with me?”

“Yes.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” And so, he held her hand as it went limp in his.

assassin AU

*me talking to my friend*

Shizaya Redesign!

and !!!! that shizaya redesign! ACTUALLY! look here: initial AU prompt

assassin!shizuo taking care of brat!izaya ! :D

let me tell you in detail

assassin!shizuo send to kill this upstart tech wizz kid izaya who founded his own company and got really succesful and now his adult business partners want to get rid of him. and shizuo does mean to kill him but instead shizuo ends up running away with him through a series of circumstances which make it seem like shizuo betrayed the people who hired him so he ends up fleeing with izaya cause they are now both hunted by other assassins

and izaya totally hates being wih shizuo at first. and shizuo wonders why he bothers with this brat but izayas skills (hacking and tech wiz stuff) prove to be invaliable so its an unlikely partnership based on nessessity. at first. but after killing so much for a living, shizuo thinks for once protecting somehing is nice

okay sorry i wish i could give you more for assassin shizuo taking care of a little shit and slowly coming to enjoy it but i actually never came up with more or concrete scenes

or you know maybe, imagine this. they are staying at some hotel and shizuo was out shopping and comes back and finds izaya lying on his stomach on the bed, playing videogames or you know actually, he lies on his back, his head hanging upside down the edge, and he plays like that and shizuo comes back to such a /childish/ scene that he cant even comment. izaya gives him a welcome back without looking at him and when shizuo walks past him and the tv in order to get to the kitchen he just gets an Hey (for being in izayas field of view haha) izaya then asks if shizuo got the stuff and shizuo just sighs and throws a bag of cheese chips at him which izaya gleefully tears open and starts munching

izaya in this is such a hypocritical contradiction of health cause he will happily stuff himself with all kinds of snacks but draws the line at junk food and instead demands his proper meals are healthy

so shizuo goes to cook dinner while izaya keeps stuffing his face and shizuo tells him to stop or he wont have an apetite later but jokes on him izaya still wolfs down the dinner shizuo makes (and says its delicious) cause izaya is a growing boy.

what the fuck this is way too wholesome with shizuo taking care of like 16 year old genius izaya, there is no way i can put fucking into this later with shizuo way too much of a guardian hahahaha

well i guess not every AU needs them to get together. instead shizuo becomes his bodyguard (izaya later also pays handsomly once the whole plot with the betrayal and framing and other assassins and corporate takeover is over) and they become good friends.

and maybe a few years later when izaya is older (between 18 and 20) and laments (like full on imagine him lying on a bed or couch with his hand dramatically raised to his forehead like hes about to faint like a victorian virgin and just overdramatically ranting. he is such a drama queen bottom bitch) that he could never find an interesing partner cause people are only interested in his looks and money and that shizuo is the only one who sees him for who he is and unaffraid to tell izaya off

so at first izaya jokingly comes onto shizuo or like fullon suggests they should try hooking up (i imagine shizuo is like, mh, 29 when he meets izaya? has been an assassin for a while. so he is like 13 years older.) and shizuo is just like What The Fuck Brat and says if izaya really wants to get laid that bad he could just pay anyone he wants.

izaya says he doesnt trust anyone, "remember that time my businesspartners send an assasin after me?! that was scary!" he says in mock fright. shizuo just grunts.

izaya then drapes himself around shizuos neck, shizuo going stiff, and whispers in his ear "common shizu-chan, its just sex"

shiziuo untangles izayas arms from his shoulders and gets up, leaving. not cause he is afraid he will give in but cause he is afraid izaya will push this too far and then get pissy when shizuo keeps refusing him and it will destroy the trust and friendship they build up. cause shizuo does enjoy this life at izayas side way more than his previous occupation

more from before the timeskip: imagine shizuo carrying izaya under one arm to get away in dangerous situation and the first time it happens izaya hates it, the second time he is completely nonchallant about it and types on his phone while shizuo is carrying him also since izaya is tech wiz hacker he gets them like access to security footage so that shizuo can sneak up on their pursuers

also, i imagine it a bit like Dishonoured videogame? like its a stealth assassin game and the plot is neat but anyway for every 'major' assassin mission for the plot you have the option of just killing the target or finding a noneleathal way of getting rid of them

some of these may include selling them into slavery but hey, at leas theyre alive xD yay morality.

anyway. imagine like this situation shizuo finds himself in, protecting a kid and multiple other strong assassins on his tail. he COULD, and would normally just kill all persuers to ger rid of them but with izayas tech wiz skills (cause iazya doesnt want to kill people) they find other ways to take them down.

like maybe one gets held up in the airport and then arrested and izaya conveniently reveals their identity as a hitman so the police just made a goldcatch. or another gets into a traffic accident and will be out of commission in a hospital for a while first (while izaya reveals their identity to the police...

okay the only way to take down hitmen with technology is to have them caught by the police but still xD nonleathal means xD

and shizuo is really impressed by izayas abilities (and izaya also gets them fake IDs and passports and creditcards and makes reservations in hotels under fake names so he keeps them afloat while they are on the run while shizuo protects them from physical danger. which is also nessesary since some hitmen do catch up with them and shizuo has to take them down. some with lethal force sadly since it was a dangerous situation and it shakes izaya up pretty bad and izaya flinches away from shizuo before he gets  a hold of hismelf again and and tries to laugh it off and say that he is okay but shizuo can see the strain in his eyes and how tense he is. maybe thats towards the begining and thats when shizuo decides that they should try to work out other means of taking down their pursuers

also imagine shizuo teaching izaya his knive skils :3

okay moving to post time skip. like izaya keeps making moves maybe and shizo puts up with it for a while but it gets to a boiling point where shizuo looses his temper and yells at izaya to cut it out (he normally never yelled at izaya) and izaya actually gets scared cause he didnt want to chase shizuo away.

like. izaya had a weird sort of imprinting on shizuo. he does like him as a friend and mentor and guardian but some part of him is scared shizuo will leave? so he tried being more to shizu than just some kid he once protected

so maybe if they talk about it openly they can resolve this and izaya doesnt have to fear shizuo leaving. and shizuo says that izaya can look for a partner his age and shizuo wont get jealous and will instead protect them too and maybe a kid. but izaya also says he meant it serious that noone he meets could ever look past the money he has (and also people are boring). "but shizuchan. shizuchan was never boring. he understands me."

so they do spend their life together in a fullfilling mutually supportive realtionship but it does stay platonic and both are satisfied with that :)

or maybe like 5 more years later when izaya is finally no longer a kid (mentally. that brat) and still says he wants to sleep with shizuo at least once but that it wouldnt change anything between them that they do end up fracking and start a sorta weird mix of platonic and sexual relationship that maybe evolves into romantic so all in all good end (other than that they are totally codependant haha)

or, alternate not good ending: 19 year old izaya pressures shizuo into sleeping with him and shizuo feels horrible about it but satisfies him sexually to appease his temper in order to keep his peaceful life

...

okay more domestic assassin shizaya things: izaya in in charge of their money, ne? and they need to lay low , ne? izaya orders them new clothes online. and shizuo has to wear what izaya buys xD cue them dressing like in the pic above with iazya in the pinks shades and shizuo in the suit. cause that brat wouldnt know subtle if it bit him in the ass

im trying to come up with more scenarios. but i explicitly said izaya DOESNT order copius amounts of take out food. unless its healthy take out food. expensive healthy take out food.

also. imagine. later in life. shizuo teaching izaya some light hand to hand combat self defense. them together standing barefoot on gym mats and izaya is sweating and panting and wiping the sweat off his forehead, his hair sticking in all directions cause he tried attacking and taking down shizuo for the dozends time and shizuo is totally collected and unaffected, blocking and sending izaya to the mat with ease. and izaya gets this really competitive streak. wants to /take him down/.

it actually becomes a sorta game, for a long time. izaya trying to catch shizuo unaware. he only once succeeded, a long while later, after they resolved their problems and fears and live a fullfilling life togehter and shizuo is completely relaxed and at peace and happy.

The Hunter - Like Everyone Else

I FORGOT TO UPDATE THIS FIC! I’M A DUMBASS!

So yeah this one is a bit rushed, but it’s still good...I hope

Also I hold no shame over all the references I made in this

Lonnie had been surprisingly chatty the next morning. As they chased after their mark once more, she retold some stories of her time in the wastes and even some odd rumors she heard whispered about herself.

“You know how I only started doing this once the portal opened?” Lonnie asked, not really wanting or waiting for a confirmation “Because of that a lot of people think I’m some sort of alien bounty hunter who came to Etheria in search for more exotic and dangerous prey” She put on a gruffer voice as she spoke those last words, getting a loud laugh out of Catra. Lonnie couldn’t help but smile at that sound.

“How do people even come up with that shit?” Catra asked once she managed to contain her laughter.

“Right? And you haven’t even heard the worse ones” Lonnie answered, with that same bright smile from last night “Like there is one where I lost both my parents to bandits and then I spent my whole life training with assassins so I could someday take revenge on-”

Catra raised her hand and they both halted. She took her binoculars and looked towards the horizon. Among the mountains and canyons in the distance there was one pass that seemed to have crumbled onto itself, the same pass their target was currently riding towards.

“Looks like we found where that ship landed” Catra commented. She turned to see what Lonnie planned on doing now, but the woman was busy looking through the scope of her rifle.

“There seems to be a small settlement at the entrance of the pass” She informed Catra “Probably not their main camp. I suggest we go up and around and rappel onto the ship from above”

“How good is that scope?” Catra asked, dumbfounded by how far that thing could see.

Lonnie took a shot and their mark dropped unconscious onto the floor. “Good enough” She answered with a smug smile.

“Show off” Catra complained. This was a challenge and she would absolutely take her up on it.

~~~

The climb around the pass was surprisingly easy. Catra had always been the best at those climbing exercises back in the Fright Zone and Lonnie was perfectly equipped for this kind of terrain. Now from their vantage point they could see the clear trail of destruction the massive warship left as it crash landed.

Beneath them the pass seemed closed off by a terrible landslide, but knowing what to look for it was easy to find bits and pieces of the ship poking out from the rubble. Yet there were no signs of life down there.

“You think they’re hidden inside the ship?” Lonnie offered.

“It would be the most defensible position” Catra agreed “Good thing one of us knows their way through Prime warships” 

“And how did you get that information again? Right, you got captured” Lonnie taunted playfully. Catra played along, sticking her tongue out at Lonnie and getting a chuckle out of her “Okay, I’ll take us down and you guide us through the ship” She secured a grappling hook to a rock and extended one hand to Catra “Hold on”

Catra took her hand and was pulled close. Held safely against Lonnie’s chest as she began rappelling down the pass and towards the ship. Those stray thoughts about Lonnie’s defined muscles returned with full force. Catra refused to look up as to avoid seeing the undoubtedly smug and overconfident look on Lonnie’s face.

She wondered if Lonnie could do all this without the powered exoskeleton, probably not with the same ease, but she had seen what Lonnie could do last night and she wouldn’t be surprised if she could. The more she thought about it the more tempted she was to look up and see how Lonnie looked doing this.

Before she had the chance, her feet hit the ground and she pushed herself free of Lonnie’s embrace, trying to focus on more professional thoughts. When she turned around to look at her companion she looked almost hurt. It was the second time she looked at Catra like that in less than 24 hours. Catra mentally kicked herself for that.

Lonnie sighed and put her helmet back. She too had to be professional now and, liking it or not, the helmet was useful. It would just be a weird for Catra to get used to the helmet again after nearly a whole day of normal Lonnie.

“I’ll set up a breaching charge” Lonnie declared in her distorted voice “You lead the way once we’re there”

“Where the fuck did you get a breaching charge?” Catra asked. Lonnie gave her a look that, even with the helmet, Catra understood meant ‘don’t ask’ “Fine. Ready when you are” She sighed.

With military precision Lonnie placed and detonated the charge, leaving a whole with the perfect size for the both of them to enter. They jumped in to find an old, dusty, and poorly lit corridor. It looked exactly the same to either side of it, but Catra already had a good idea of where they were.

“This is the way” Catra declared and began marching down the corridor. Lonnie following behind.

“And what way is that exactly?” Lonnie asked.

“We gotta hit engineering first to see what parts of the ship are still standing so we can have a better idea of where to go” Catra explained, taking a turn as she spoke.

After a few more turns and a considerable amount of walking they found themselves in a large open room, covered wall to wall with complex machinery, several layers of scaffoldings traversed the room and at its centered sat a computer console. Catra completely ignored the proper path leading there and simply jumped through the machinery and climbed onto the platform with the computer, leaving Lonnie to take the long way around. 

“When did you learn how to operate alien computers?” Lonnie asked as she calmly walked down the path to meet her.

“I had to learn a few tricks before my daring escape” Catra answered, half jokingly. Lonnie shook her head and continued walking, but as she went further into the room she couldn’t shake off the feeling that there was someone else in there with them.

Quickly wiping around, Lonnie drew her rifle and aimed towards a figure in the shadows between the machines. The figure darted through the shadows and Lonnie followed in pursuit until it was cornered.

“I’m sorry! I wasn’t trying to escape, I swear!” The shape pleaded as it threw itself on the ground before Lonnie, revealing itself to be a scraggly old man in torn clothes “I got lost is all. I’ll get back to my post immediately” the man scampered to his feet and began running for the exit

“Hey, wait!” Lonnie called, causing the man to halt in the spot “We’re not here to harm you” The man turned around with a confused look on his face, that was soon replaced by one of admiration.

“The Hunter” He whispered and Lonnie had to contain a sigh at the title “We are saved!”

“Saved from what?” Catra asked as she landed behind Lonnie “Who is the old guy?” The man took a trembling step back at the sight of Catra’s whip.

“She is a friend of mine” Lonnie explained, surprising both the man and Catra “We are here to deal with the gang”

“Then you’ll free us?” He asked. Catra shot him a confused look and he explained “They raided our village and when they found out we knew how to work this machinery they forced us to build weapons for them. Please, you must be here to save us”

“You built those weapons?” Catra asked “So you know how to break them?”

“Yes, of course” The man agreed “We can teach you how to destroy what we created”

Lonnie and Catra looked at each other. They had a new plan.

~~~

An entire village hidden inside the hangar bay of a massive spaceship. That was not something Catra ever expected to see, but here she was now, crawling through a vent and watching the poor villagers be dragged from place to place to work on the machinery of the ship. In the farthest corner a massive tent hid what Catra could only presume was the super weapon, but dealing with that was Lonnie’s job.

Catra dropped from the vent, silently landing behind one of the thugs roaming the village and swiftly taking them out. One down, several dozen more to go. Time to prove she was still the best at her job.

One by one the thugs dropped. Not all of them, for that would be a waste of her time, just enough for the captives to have an opening, but not enough for the other thugs to notice. Stealth came naturally to her, like martial arts came to Lonnie and Rogelio and like most things came to Adora.

“Take the back door” Catra whispered to a few villagers as she opened one of their tents “The way is safe, but keep quiet” They moved as fast as they could, whispering ‘thank you’s as they passed Catra. A wave of satisfaction washed over her. She never expected to enjoy helping people as much as she did.

Catra started making her way to the next tent when the ground shook beneath her. She looked towards the large distant tent just in time to see it being torn apart by a terrifying explosion and from the green flames walked a colossal spider bot. Dozens of weapons adorned its sides and on its back stood what Catra knew was the ship’s main cannon.

“Change of plans!” A way too familiar voice commands from the ship’s speakers “We march today and tomorrow the Fright Zone falls and I’ll have my revenge!”  

Several question flashed through Catra’s mind at that moment. How was Tung Lashor still alive? How did he manage to command this whole operation at all? But the most important of all those questions was, is Lonnie okay? Catra ignored the bandits as they ran to keep up with their leader’s war machine. She dashed for the wall of green flames, hoping that Lonnie was still alive somehow. 

She couldn’t lose Lonnie now, when she had just found her again. She lost her when she pushed her away, she lost her when she fled to the Wastes, she refused to lose her a third time. Even if she had to burn in her place, Catra would not let Lonnie die here.

A dark shape emerged from the flames. Her armor was charred, the outer plates melted, the visor cracked, her weapons were completely destroyed, but she was still alive and she wasn’t stopping. She limped past Catra and began following the escaping bandits.

“What are you doing?” Catra asked. She would have held Lonnie back, but the heat from her armor kept her away.

“Chasing them” Lonnie coughed out. Clearly struggling to breath.

“There is no way you can go after them like this” Catra said as she jumped in front of Lonnie.

“We can’t let them reach the Fright Zone” Lonnie declared, trying to make her way around Catra, but she wouldn’t let her.

“And we won’t, but if you don’t get help right now you will die” Catra pleaded.

“I’m fine!” She insisted “Now get out of my way”

“Lonnie, I’m not-”

“Get out!” She shouted.

For a moment their roles were swapped. A young Lonnie tried to comfort a very tired Catra. ‘Go! Leave like everyone else!’ Catra screamed and Lonnie scampered away. They froze in place as the memory hit them both. Lonnie stepped back, looking anywhere but at Catra.

“I-” Lonnie started, before collapsing on the floor.

Maybe

this fic is, uh, something like six years old? I’ve edited it a little for typos but otherwise it’s not revised. posting for the relaunch of the @ask-the-becile-boys blog.

warnings for swearing, violence, and consideration of self-harm

Some things you can only do alone, in private, with a gun in your hand.

They all know you like guns. Hell, they’d have to be blind not to know, and while your family (for lack of better word, for what is blood to those who have none?) is a lot of things, none of them are blind.

So they know you like them, and they’ve got to know you have at least a couple; Father gave you one for Christ’s sake so it’s not like it’s a big secret.  And there’s only so much you can do about the stench of gunpowder and burning oil from your little… exercises.

What you don’t think they know is how many of them you’ve collected over the years. The Thompson they all know about (Father’s sneering little gift, a nod of acknowledgment to your being his little assistant, his loathsome pet), and maybe about the neat little Schmidt M1882, since you bought it yourself instead of stealing it, paid a whole thirty bucks in some back-alley bargaining when it was new and have treasured the thing ever since.

But about the others, no, you don’t think they know. Hare might have an idea; the little rat’s full of so many half-baked theories about what everyone else thinks and does that it wouldn’t surprise you if he thought you maybe had one or two more. And you know now that he’s got himself convinced that you’re out shooting people, out there killing for that jackass you call Father or Master.

You let him think it. Just like you’ll let him go forever thinking that you kicked his narrow aft to hell and back without regret, that you don’t hate yourself for almost killing the stupid shit in your rage. It’s easier to let him think what he wants because he’ll never understand anything else.

To date, you have collected twenty-six guns of various firing speeds and size. All but the first two you’ve stolen from passed out drunks in bars or plucked from the hands of trigger happy brawlers looking to plug lead into something they can’t kill. A couple you’ve hustled in dark corners of seedy sub-markets, trading or bullying for something you want more than what you’ve already got.

Some of them are tiny things; they feel like toys in your hands for all that they could end a life with a careless gesture. Others are complicated, none quite as powerful as the Trench Sweeper but still intimidating in your grip. You’re particularly pleased with the Winchester M97, the severe click-snap of the pump-action striking a base chord in your processor that’s very much like pleasure.

It’s never been exactly made subtle that you look threatening. Unsmiling, stiffly postured, you look colder than your brothers, quieter and more insidiously menacing. From all three of you violence is expected; you’re thieves and bullies and thugs, and of the trio, it is from you people expect the most evil, for you are quieter, more restrained, clearly calculating while Hare is all direct action and Jacky is a mad whirligig of untamable, unpredictable energy.

In reality, you don’t care enough about most things, most people, to be calculating anything. Hare’s the ambitious thief, plotting ways to put money in his pocket. For you, you’d rather just watch, just remain in the backdrop. Failing that, you have no problem reinforcing the idea that you’re the measured one, the scary one; you keep your silence, photoreceptors boring into the eyes of anyone stupid enough to start staring at you.

But contrary to the image you project of the clean-cut criminal, you’re not looking for a fight. Hare will willingly scrap with anyone stupid enough to pick a fight with a metal man, but you’d just as soon walk away. And even Hare isn’t out looking for the fights, even Hare, who wants so badly to let out some of the aggression that been ground so deep into him it might as well be hardwired, isn’t going to provoke a fight.

Because the truth of it is, you’re not programmed for it. You’re perfectly capable of lying and cheating and hurting if you have to; it’s not going to break you to break them, but nine times out of ten, a glare can suffice, or a puff of dark smoke – hell, a raised fist if you must, but that’s enough to send most humans scurrying. And at the end of the day, you’re all of you cowards. You don’t have the guts to be killers; you’re pickpockets and hoodlums and low-down societal dirt, yeah, but none of you are killers.

It makes you feel just that much more complete to have a gun in your hand.

To be clear, you have no desire to become some mindless weapon, to be pointed and fired. You do not romanticize or moon over the idea of killing humans. The idea is actually in its own right quite repulsive to you.

With a gun in your hand, though, you are not the same automaton who must do as Master Becile wishes. You are not the bot who has come to the realization that the only way to keep your brothers in any semblance of safety is to pretend to be their enemy. With a gun in your hands, you wouldn’t have to watch your creator mete out punishment, knowing that anything you did against him would only worsen the situation. You could stand up for your brothers, finally be really on their side instead of quietly placating and suggesting and politicking your way through your Father’s moods.

“I would kill you in a second,” you growl, voice low and muttering though there is no one to hear you. Your hand snaps out, sweet little Remington clutched against your palm, the crack of gun fire shattering the silence of the evening. The barrel smokes, the bottle your bullet crashes through seems to explode off the fence. Roughly seventy yards between you and the target, and it’s nothing short of perfect. You feel good, but it’s a dark good, muddied with pent up rage, a sort of budding mania that often overtakes you on these little outings.

Fanning the hammer, shots fire rapidly, the line of rusting cans and glass bottles disappearing as they either burst or fly off the fence. The harsh grind of your voice raises with the thunder from the gun, biting out words buried deep inside yourself. “Shoot you down like a rabid mutt.”

The Remington is only a six shot, and you toss it, not quite carelessly, back down when it’s spent and grab another handgun. Though this little piece of land is quiet, out of the way and inhabited only by the occasional vagrant, you’ve never taken out either shotgun, and especially not the Thompson. Besides, power aside, there’s something so much more personal about the handguns.

It’s something about how they explode in your hand, smoke and thunder and the acrid stench of gunpowder; each pull of the trigger like hooks inside you, dragging out emotions you pretend not to have. All the anger, all the rage, all the built-up bitter hatred, ripped from you and screaming through the air, ripping into metal and glass and dispersing into nothingness.

It becomes rhythmic, automatic. Fire, fire, fire; six shots, gun spent, drop, new gun. Begin again.

Shots tear through the little field, rocketing into the targets you’ve meticulously placed on the surrounding fences; on stumps and hanging from the crooked branches of nearby trees. As you fire, you talk to yourself, voice rising and falling. Growling and shouting.

You curse your Father, the only man you ever expected to give a single fuck about you or your brothers. The more anger you pour into your words, the hotter your furnace burns, until you feel fire spitting from your maw with each word. And still you scream. You call him a bastard, you call him selfish; you tell him (though you’ll never say it to him, never in life) you wish he would die, that you wish you could kill him. Why, and you want to know so badly; why build us if you hate us? Why keep us around if we’re such garbage?

The words spew out of you, a vomit of wasted emotion. All your hate, all your rage, every single negative thing that you’ve turned back in on yourself, twisted in your guts like barbed wire. And that’s exactly how it feels, it hurts exactly that much, like you’re wrenching barbed wire from your guts and out your mouth. But it must go on.

At some point around the time you’re picking up the sixteenth gun (Smith and Wesson .32, for what it matters) you realize that the words aren’t so much coming out as words anymore; just an increasingly harsh yelling. Giving in to that is good; no more words, just the energy tearing through you, all the blackness pouring out like the bullets, like the flames.

In the end, by some mistake or some unconscious fluke, you’ve expended every target and you’re left holding a gun with one bullet. The gun is your favorite, that little honey of a murder machine, the Schmidt M1882.

Suddenly the intake of air required to keep oxygen on your flames is ragged, your grip on the gun too tight. Your arm is actually shaking from the exertion of the last fifteen minutes’ shooting, or maybe from the weight of the gun in your hand, and you find yourself staring at your hand, willing your fingers to release or at least slacken, but they don’t.

With measured slowness, as if you must be very careful in the action, you lift the gun, turn it, and press the muzzle against your temple. It’s hot; a perfect circle of heat, and you shudder.

Photoreceptors click off, the gun steadies. Why not? What exactly have you got going on that’s so wonderful? Your father is a selfish, moody prick who cares absolutely nothing for you or your brothers; your brothers, one of whom is as close to a drunk as he can be and hates you, and the other who is glitched beyond help and terrified of you. And you care so little for yourself. You’re nothing, a shadow of a man, not particularly successful in your endeavors to protect your brothers and there isn’t one single thing you can think of to redeem the hateful, horrible things you do in your father’s name. You deserve to eat this bullet just for your little meeting with Hare, even if the rat was looking for punishment.

So why not.

Just why the fuck not?

With a sigh, very soft and rasping with embers and soot, you lower the gun, hand finally relaxing as your photoreceptors click back on.

You sit on the grass and pull out the maintenance kit from the bag in which you stash your little collection, fingers glancing fondly over the barrel of your Winchester, still securely folded away in the bottom of the bag. Before you can go, the guns must all be cleaned, oiled, and reloaded; made ready for the next time your anger reaches a point where it might escape in some other way.

As you clean, you do not think about your actions prior; you content yourself with the repetitive action of breaking the guns down, cleaning, oiling, tending to them. You don’t want to go there. You don’t want to think about what you may or may not have done, even though the smell of your overheated system is accosting your olfactory with the reek of burnt oil. It’s better not to go there, not to try facing it. Bury it, throw all the other dark things in on top of it, and shoot it down later.

Because you are a coward, and you are unjustifiable, and you are too low to bother wasting bullets on.

Because you love life even if yours isn’t worth anything.

Because maybe somewhere in that pit of hate and venom, Becile doesn’t hate you. And maybe Hare will understand one day what you try to do, why you’re the bastard that you are.

Because maybe, just maybe, there’s a point to it. You just have to find it.

Leverage - The Nigerian Job

It’s been a while since I watched “The Nigerian Job” and wow, what a joy to do that again. Because there are so many things I love about it. Here are just a few: I love...

... the introduction of Nate - so much exposition is needed and that’s always difficult to deliver without it seeming clunky and, well, like exposition, but Rubinek and Hutton just DELIVER.

... Dubenic. One of my favourite villains of them all. So fucking ruthless, he makes NATE seem like a choir boy in comparison, and that’s saying something.

... Nate’s reaction to “Steal them back”. Yes, he’s interested because of the money and because of wanting to stick it to his old boss, but that look? Yeah, Nate, keep kidding yourself. You WANT to be a thief ;)

... ‘No, but Parker is in-sane.’ And Nate’s look to accompany that, hahaha. Where is the lie.

... the music of this show. The intro music but also the signature “the game is on” music. I have it as my ringtone and my alarm and really, it’s just so awesome. Because right here at the start, a very dark and gritty start, the music sets the tone and tells us: This is gonna be a clever show and a fun show and KEEP WATCHING <3

... Hardison’s first words on the show being “No. No, no, no, no, hell no.”

... Hardison calling Nate ‘Brah’ and talking back at him right from the start

... “This is not the room you’re looking for.” - Also, I know that Hardison can’t possibly actually TELL this story to Nate and the others at this point, but we all know that he will eventually. And I LOVE that this is his mind’s go to story for being the ultimate hustler. Oh, Hardison, how I love you and your geeky priorities.

... “You can hear everything.” - “Not as useless as you look.” - Instant love. Also: HI ELIOT. And hi Eliot’s glasses. What happens to you later on? And seriously, Eliot, why did you decide to wear them for this job? I mean you clearly don’t need them, so is this a fashion choice? Where you reading while you were waiting for the others to set up?

...No but seriously, I LOVE the outfit choice for Eliot here and in the flashback. He looks like he just got up from a coffee with Sartre and Camus and I cannot stress enough how I LOVE how that (aside of course from being funny) already sets up how he is NOT just the muscle <3

...Eliot not even putting down his mug. Yes, he is that badass

...the baseball card

... “You can have the whole box” (Flirty!Hardison - and yes, of course he is fascinated and turned on by Parker instantly, but I think what I love most is how this is different to how he sees her later; he is overall more aggressive, edgy, pushy pre-team)

... “Age of the Geek, baby. We run the world.” - “Hm. You keep telling yourself that.”

... Thief.

... Parker’s flashback being so fucking DARK, even in comparison to Eliot’s who just put down 10 thugs

... the tell-tale ages of their flashback selves - Hardison the teenager, Eliot the adult, Parker the kid. Talk about what shaped you / who you are

...Eliot and Nate being professionals vs. Parker and Hardison being the brats <3

... Parker taking such obvious pleasure in her work

... Nate’s background images being the cold blue schematics

... Hardison being SO TURNED ON by Eliot’s speed / his efficiency / his dislike of guns (love the emptying of the magazine) / his smile

... that shared smile when the door opens. STOP IT, YOU GUYS

... Nate’s I-am-in-command-here voice. Later on he uses that to play generals and higher ups - his favoured role aside from ‘the annoying one’ - but here it’s no game, no play acting. This IS Nate right now

... technically that would be Plan G

...the OT3 working so perfectly together during the burn-scam sequence

...the almost-morning-at-the-end-of-an-obviously-fucking-cold-night atmosphere when they split. Talk about symbolism here. And lovely light

... Dubenic. Seriously. He dupes us, the viewers, fair enough. But he also does this with Nate, Parker, Eliot, AND Hardison. And can we just take a moment and appreciate that because we know how insanely smart they are. - And there is just that HINT of Dubenic playing them in the way he picks up his cup and sips, like he has no care in the world

... the way Hardison holds his gun

 ... the fact that Eliot hasn’t taken it away from hm yet. Because sure, he could. But he actually WANTS Hardison to BELIEVE him, doesn’t he

...Hardison and Parker having brought guns. Which makes sense. Eliot not bothering. Which also makes sense. But Nate? He just doesn’t give a fuck at this point, does he? Dangerous man, he who has nothing left to lose. And that maniac’s laughter when he figures it out? Holy shit, there is something very, very wrong with him

... Eliot helping Hardison up (already the protector <3)

... the reason why Hardison fell in the first place - looking back to check where Eliot is <3<3

...the reflection of the fireblast on Nate’s face. The whole explosion. Damn, that is some fine pyro work there.

...Parker switching so effortlessly between razor-sharp logic and crazy aloofness

...the ever changing dynamic during that conversation in Hardison’s flat. Like, Hardison keeping Eliot from finally losing it and taking it on with Nate and all the other little shifts and changes. Like, Nate already knowing Eliot’s and Parker’s different priorities (Payback and Money / Money and Payback); Parker and Hardison being hooked straight away, Eliot being the cautious one

...Eliot’s FACE during Sophie’s acting

...Nate being so FASCINATED by Sophie

... that flashback - Nate, like the OT, has a very... interesting way of remembering things

...Parker’s super aggressive popcorn reading

... Eliot’s continued ‘Parker is crazy. CRAZY. Am I the only one seeing that?!’ Possibly, yes, Eliot

...Nigerians. I mean, not only is that THE con. But it’s also the con that works because it targets people too stupid to not know better. The fact that Nate uses that on Dubenic. Because they were double-crossed and now HE gets double-crossed with a con that he SHOULD have seen coming because no one in their right mind would buy Nate Ford trying to pull of the ACTUAL Nigerian Scam

...Sophie just walking out on Dubenic

...Eliot’s outfit as an IT expert. That is so offensive, Eliot, even BEFORE the Klingon. I love you. Also? I love the reaction of the secretary as he walks in. Like, damn, he’s fine. She’s not wrong

... the bridge in the background of Sophie’s and Dubenic’s scene outside. God, that is SUCH a perfect metaphor and so pretty

... “I take it to Pierson.” - Sophie is not just a great actress, this little decision here already shows how she will have no problem taking over from Nate when he is in prison

... the Eliot/Nate conversation at the pool table. Easily my favourite scene of the whole episode. I wrote about how I love all the characters’ relationships in an earlier entry (http://afraschatz.tumblr.com/post/175521619189/afraschatz-i-think-the-reason-why-i-love), but Eliot’s and Nate’s is one of my favourites. And this scene breaks my fucking heart EVERY time. I want to be angry at Nate for being so harsh to Eliot reaching out and I want to weep for him at the same time. And Eliot. Oh, Eliot. All of the others so wrapped up in the current con (and Nate in his pain) that they can’t see what he can already sense and what he already sees and understands. Why else would the hitter, the “I work alone” man, Moreau’s former right hand man reach out like that? This isn’t the hitter checking whether the insurance man might turn on him /them; this isn’t even the man set out for revenge trying to make sure that the mastermind behind the plan can focus properly. This already is Eliot caring. And Nate being unable to accept that at this point. Ah, I love them so much

... the hospital flashback. Oh Tim Hutton <3...

... Sophie and the earpiece. Sure, Sophie, you need help. Sure.

... locked up comedy frame. Hardison hahahaha. Love that chair-roll

... Dubenic’s smug expression in the elevator

... “I can take your underpants”

... “This particular project has a different revenue stream” - Ah, eloquent!smug!Nate

...Sophie’s reaction to the HUGE cheque. Like, WHAT?!

...Hardison starting to explain what he did - I kinda wanted him to continue explaining that to me because a. maybe he could actually shed some light on some stock stuff that I really don’t get and b. competence porn

...Eliot wanting to kiss Hardison :)

...the slow round-and-round of the camera during the team’s talk outside. I need to write a separate LONG post about how great the camera work on this show is

... Eliot looking at Hardison while Hardison waits for Nate to suggest that they should do that again, then, when Nate doesn’t, immediately trying to get his defences back up and his hopes down. Oh, Eliot <3

... Black king, white knight. Aside from me being very much in love with Sophie’s SHAMELESS flirting (and Nate’s reaction to that), this is such a pretty description and fits him so well

... that last scene and the way they stand / sit. I mean, man, thank you, Sophie, for being kind to the victims while the rest of your team plays a very weird mashup of Reservoir Dogs and Godfather in the background

... NATE, YOU ARE SO CREEPY, I LOVE YOU.

recent private chat highlights, megasilverfist and ‘Ruby’ (trashrightsactivist)

(Note: This is for peoples' OOC reading pleasure, and cannot actually be seen by your character unless you are hacking tumblr to view peoples' private messages.)

Convo 1

megasilverfist

Hey, you might be making a post on this anyway, but any ideas on how I can keep people from lynching the local reds?

Preferably without making them even more angry with Voa, or totally trashing my career.  Though given the life or death nature I'm willing to stick my neck out a little, and we're probably going to war anyway.

trashrightsactivist

I don't even know. I'm still like idek about this whole thing. I hope you have enough food you are psychologically able to eat.

gotta wonder if this wasn't somehow a scheme to get us all killed

megasilverfist

I'm good, Nadles is probably regretting the unlimited noodles clause in my contract.

I don't see how that adds but then again

its not paranoia when the world really is out to get you.

trashrightsactivist

yeah i know it wasn't really it just feels that way

gotta go out of the district and to work soon, dreading it

honstly the best thing i can think of might be to remind people it's a voa blue not their reds at fault, he's a country away and has bodyguards so they're less likely to be able to hurt him

and the war is probably inevitable already

megasilverfist

sigh yeah

trashrightsactivist

anyway I'm going to work.

megasilverfist

cool, try not to die

trashrightsactivist

that's the plan ;)

megasilverfist

and remember if multiple people are coming at you don't let them surround you.

I'd meant to hook you up with some videos on basic street defense but its a bit late now.

trashrightsactivist

thanks. I guess if anything goes down at work... idk, I will try to get behind a corpse and hope they're too squeamish to touch it, idk

we've swapped shifts around so as much as we can people who are pregnant or have kids are staying home

anyway can't risk being late. hopefully ttyl

Convo 2

megasilverfist

You probably already figured this out, but maybe don't trust the food people are throwing out.

https://purpleparenting.tumblr.com/post/163275109612/people-are-reluctant-to-leave-out-their-food-for

trashrightsactivist

[no response]

megasilverfist

[after signficant waiting]

I'm just going to assume you're busy.  Right?

Yeah, thats it.  I should probably go train anyway.

3

megasilverfist

Glad you aren't dead. Let me know if I can help.

Also, like this probably is to much to ask, and might seem a bit creepy, but can you walk me through what happened?  I have a really strong interest in how street fights with untrained combatants play out.

trashrightsactivist

gonna go through what happened on blog but that won't have like. physical details of fight bit. i will go through those with you after post if you want but like. my memory of what occurred might not be 100%. concussion.

 megasilverfist

Yeah, that happens, I'd give you some tips but you've (hopefully?) got some actual medical attention.

 trashrightsactivist

yes. that I really don't remember, getting from fight to hospital.

nurse knows who brought me here but not how so I'mma try to track him down and ask

 megasilverfist

right

Red hospital or normal one?

 trashrightsactivist

red. we can't be patients in the other kind

but honestly being surrounded by only other reds rn is reassuring

 megasilverfist

Thought so, but was hoping otherwise because there are some very new drugs for brain injury that I don't think yours have access to.

Try to get some Alkysine if you can.

 trashrightsactivist

I'll ask. I know like, blunt force trauma is something this particular doc deals with a lot, so probly knows what he's doing

 megasilverfist

Not doubting his skill just access to supplies that are a bit limited among cleans.

 trashrightsactivist

fair. he said my brains not beat up too bad. no bleeding, minimal swelling.

 megasilverfist

That is very good.

 trashrightsactivist

few cracked ribs. coulda been a lot worse

 megasilverfist

Yeah, will you be able to get someone to cover you work for you?

 trashrightsactivist

yeah if they have to they'll share with the pathology techs at the hospital

(clean hospital. the guys who normally do 'why did you die of sick' exams will do 'why did you die of murder' exams)

but idek if they'll want me back at work, thats where the argument started

 megasilverfist

Oh shit.  Can you get another job?

 trashrightsactivist

yeah there is always just pick up to fall back on and can probably learn how to do the medical rather than crime version of the thing i do

 megasilverfist

Well thats good.

 trashrightsactivist

but yeah like.. i will report what i see not what my boss wants to be there

 megasilverfist

Is that (physically) safe?

 trashrightsactivist

well no, as we found out.

 megasilverfist

Oh sorry I thought you meant in your exit interview or whatever it is that you do when you leave an employer.

I'm not clear how that works.

I do stuff for money so I've got a job, but the way competitions work means I'm not technically an employee of anyone.

 trashrightsactivist

so I'm employed by a company, not the police, they just have a contract with the company. so shouldn't have to do exit interview? but. if they have a grudge they can find me.

maybe when it's less crisis-y there won't be a grudge

they would never usually ask that sort of thing, they're good cops usually

 megasilverfist

I think I see.

 trashrightsactivist

but you want me to put on the report those injuries are not from a police-issue beating stick when they are... I reckon whichever cop it was must have just panicked, the guy did look a bit red in the right light

 megasilverfist

Oh yeah, cleansticks are nasty.  I really respect you for doing that.

 trashrightsactivist

but it was stupid of me. I don't file the actual report, I just tell the guy who does what I see, he can cheerfully shred anything I say that he doesn't like

it was a futile gesture

 megasilverfist

Oh maybe a little less respect, but you tried.

 trashrightsactivist

i mean normally he wouldn't, you know

idk

everybody is not themselves now

 megasilverfist

Right.  Its relatively sane in my little bubble, because my gym is getting free nadles and I had enough money to help out my cousins (helps the grama buys instant stuff in bulk anyway).  So we've just been heads down focusing on the fights.  But everytime I get on this site its fucked.

 trashrightsactivist

yeah I don't feel like I have the energy for any of it any more

its all just words

 megasilverfist

I keep trying to help, but there just isn't much I can do.  I'm not a big celebrity yet, and I'm now broke again even though I was planning on streching out my prize money so I can't donate.  I'm tempted to go and try to punch anyone causing problems, but still have some common sense.

 trashrightsactivist

yeah I don't have any suggestions any more

shitty as it was all i want is for things to go back to normal

 megasilverfist

Wow, things really are bad if you think normal would be ok.

 trashrightsactivist

yeah well

talk to me when it doesn't hurt to breathe, maybe I'll get my sass back

 megasilverfist

Right.  I'll let you heal then.  Here's some of my fanfic if you need something to read http://archiveofourown.org/works/2809283/chapters/6304610 ((not by me ooc))

 trashrightsactivist

thanks dude

 megasilverfist

np

4

trashrightsactivist

[ruby will send you as good an account of how the fight went down as she can. It was her and a dude who works for the same company, but mostly at the hospital (who also helped her with this account of the fight), and they were jumped returning to their body transport vehicle. Two cops with extendable sticks. The other red was mostly able to keep out of it since they weren't really going for him, he was trying to get into his work bag for the closest thing he had to a weapon (a scalpel) but by the time he got it out it was over. The cops clearly didn't intend to kill her, just send a message - but at the same time, they can't have been overly concerned with *not* killing her, because they easily could have just by a blow landing a bit differently in a way they couldn't precisely control.

Ruby's only notable action was to try to crawl under the hearse in the hopes that they wouldn't be able to get to her, but since they were willing to lay hands on her they just dragged her out.]

 megasilverfist

Thanks, that was helpful for me, hopefully you won't be attacked again especially by the police but he are some possibly helpful thoughts. The hearse move was a good idea, even if it didn't work.  Playing dead might have been a good idea.  Also using your hands to protect your head while exposing tempting but less fatal targets as sacrifices.  Getting caned in the butt or similar hurts but you know enough anatomy to know you'd prefer it to your current state.  Lastly, its probably best for your coworker that he was forced to stay out of it, but if he had gotten involved using the bag as a shield and /or to entangle the cleansticks (thats the actual name I didn't come up with it) would probably have been a good strategy.  I'm not a cleanstick specialist, but knives are a bad match against them even when pre drawn, but they are *relatively* easy to screw up with tangle weapons and makeshift shields since they don't have a cutting edge or the weight of traditional staffs.

Almost forgot, I was assuming that the bag was heavy enough to hurt when swung but light enough that you can swing it pretty fast like 5-15 pounds.

 trashrightsactivist

Thanks for the advice

I'd be concerned that any sort of fighting back might only make them angrier? Like they were risking a kill but probably not going for one, if we'd fought back..

 megasilverfist

Yeah, thats what I meant by it being best that your coworker stayed out of it.          I included my advice based on the best way to deal with actually fighting but really, like ok if I had been swapped with your coworker by magic AND been able to draw the scapble to dual wield AND you're not in Biyan then I probably could have won the fight.  But thats some rather big ifs and doesn't get into what would happen afterwards.

 trashrightsactivist

yeah I mean ultimately him staying out of it probably saved my life cause it meant he could drive me to the hospital

but I don't doubt it woulda gone differently with a martial arts expert instead of a nerdy autopsy tech

why would being in Biyan make a difference, do cops have different weapons there or something?

 megasilverfist

Yeah, still effectively 2 v 1 with inferior weapons is not a great place.

 trashrightsactivist

yeah I'm in no hurry to leave the district again in the current climate

 megasilverfist

Biyan is just behind us here in Tapa when it comes to overall cleanstick fighting, and thats going by the performance of athletes and police department champions (as in representatives) in tournaments.  I didn't realize this until recently, but my research suggests that they spend a lot more time training their normal non-specialist cops in it than almost anyone else.

 trashrightsactivist

huh. Wonder if they anticipate more fights, or if they're trying to reduce the amount they resort to guns?

 megasilverfist

Well I don't know much about them, but going off what I do know and the  scenarios in this manual I found http://wiktenauer.com/wiki/Paradoxes_of_Defence_(George_Silver) I think they just really hate reds.

 trashrightsactivist

oh, the depressing reason

your fanfic was good btw

 megasilverfist

Yup:( Like obviously part of why cleansticks are used instead of other staffs is that they can be used on you guys, but their supposed to be general purpose weapons. And thats not what I'm seeing here as a highly trained martial artist with color vision.

Thanks.

So I mean obviously you can tell how many of those figures have red hair, but as a highly trained martial artist TM I can tell you the convention is normally to depict every combatant as a grey.

 trashrightsactivist

well that would make sense given cultural norms and all

wonder what you lot would make of the bareknuckle one-on-ones that go down here sometimes

 megasilverfist

I would be super super curious, and would love it if there was a way to get video without the obvious problems with that.

But like what rules (if any) are there.

And (how) do people train?

And what techniques do they use?

 trashrightsactivist

they serve a vaguely similar purpose to duels in being part of the internal dispute resolution system? Similar to what I read about Erithani duels there's a lot of like, chances to back down and apologise worked into the system and their function seems to be more preventative

 megasilverfist

That seems sensible, greys kinda do that, but less that we probably should.

 trashrightsactivist

rules are simple, fists and a bit of grappling though grandads love to debate whether that was allowed int heir day, no kicking or gouging or whatever, and it's over when someone falls down or gives up

kids *practice* in the sense of, they scrap for fun, idk to what extent it constitutes training

it's not very formal and really the point is to be willing to fight to prove your point rather than neccessarily being good?

so it probably looks exceedingly sloppy to someone like you

 megasilverfist

Probably, but there really is something to be said for raw courage.

No gouging and no kicks is a really good idea from a safety perspective, but having more grappling and less punching would probably be a smart move from that perspective.

Not that I expect ya'll to change your culture based on my advice.

 trashrightsactivist

yeah I mean it's mostly a way to contain disputes among like 3.5-6 year olds so there's a socially accepted endpoint and no risk of harming the community fabric or attracting attention from outside the district

 megasilverfist

And they are you from a showing your serious veiwpoint.

 trashrightsactivist

yeah I don't think they'd accept alterations based on safety, cause it's about having the balls, as you said

but given that I have that Red Island separatist fantasy it does make me wonder how the justice system would turn out

'you may either fight the defendant, or have the judge explain this entire mess to your grandmother, how do you plead?'

 megasilverfist

Lololol

My grama would say the mess is fine but why wouldn't you fight em?

 trashrightsactivist

maybe you like your face :P

 megasilverfist

Well I am dashingly handsome.

 trashrightsactivist

I saw your promo pics online, can't disagree there

 megasilverfist

Thanks, though the photographer did a lot.

Legally we can't photoshop them too much, but lighting, picking the best one ect can do a ton, and we can shop a little.

 trashrightsactivist

if I were the type to do selfies, I would not be doing selfies for a good few weeks

 megasilverfist

Yeah, I get that, though we're encouraged to to the occasional beat up shot as long as its framed properly.

 trashrightsactivist

oh of course. but gotta be like, sexy injured not 'mishandled reject tomato' injured

 megasilverfist

Yup, a mix of that and sometimes having to look bad to make the other guy look good for the good of the sport.

 trashrightsactivist

you aren't suggesting any of it is staged are you?

 megasilverfist

Just the photo shoots yes. The matches very no.  In my main promotion that is.  I keep meaning to right a post about this, but there are promotions that are explicitly registered as stunt based entertainment which are fixed to varying degrees.

One of them even has a "red" as one of the "heels".

 trashrightsactivist

what.

liiink

actual *actors* tryna play reds is always tragihilarious, I can't imagine what that would be like

is his special move whacking you over the head with a garbage can

IS HIS CATCHPHRASE 'TIME TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH'

 megasilverfist

Actually he's an undertaker, and makes horrible horrible death puns.

And fights with a piece of "sewage pipe" granted to him by his district elder.

But the overall thing is as corny as you're picturing it.

And frankly I like your idea better.

Not that I really approve, of making him the heel, but I guess you have to take what you can get.

 trashrightsactivist

oh sure, well he was never gonna be anything else

 megasilverfist

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6CD7TUIS7c

 trashrightsactivist

that shit is hilarious

 megasilverfist

Ok, I should go soon, but three things first.

 trashrightsactivist

ok

 megasilverfist

first if you need to get a hold of me outside tumblr in a fairly secure way use ((contact info)) unless you have a better suggestion you seem to know security.

The next two are two good thing to come from this mess.  Well good from your prospective I guess.

 trashrightsactivist

thanks. I don't think I have anything better rn but I'll check and let you know, otherwise that looks good.

 megasilverfist

First, I am sick of this shit.  I still believe in pollution, and I can't do much now, but stars like actual national champs get one controversial position.  I was going to go after the fitness scams that basically everyone but blues fall for but...

yeah.

And lastly oh wait you already rebloged it so much for my climax, but still

[link to 3cool5u’s Allocator Savo fanfic]

 trashrightsactivist

:)

the second one though. What are you planning?

 megasilverfist

I'll need to think of some details after I win, but ways to improve red lives without denying pollution exists.

 trashrightsactivist

I'm grateful that you want to do something. I'll look round see if I got some suggestions for specific points. Most importantly, though - if it made sense to keep a lid on things for now before it probably still does

for now

So, Tuesday was @writegowrite​’s birthday and I’m going to tell you why she’s such a lovely person and such a lovely author. She has always been incredibly sweet and kind, she has so many nice things to say to others, and I would adore her whether she’d written a single word or not, whether she ever writes another word. She’s a positive presence in this fandom, she always makes me feel better to see her posts on my dash, and she’s always so thoughtful and insightful about these characters we love and she has such a warm, steady feel every time I’ve spoken with her. She is one of my favorite people in this fandom and I say that completely separate from her fic writing. But, oh, her fic writing.  I’m absolutely in love with everything she writes, from her happier stories to the beautiful angst to the almost poetic way she can weave together words, and so I’m collecting together all the recs I’ve done for her work and I want to tell you why you should snag everything on this list and read it all and your life will be so much more fulfilled for it. (Equinox and Broken both have updated recs!) ✦ Equinox by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin, sith!obi-wan, 9k    During the Clone Wars, Obi-Wan and Anakin crash on a remote planet and take shelter in the ruins of a grand estate only to find they are not alone. ✦ Home Again by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, dom/sub, light kink, 1.7k    When Anakin’s emotions overwhelm him, Obi-Wan is always there with a firm hand and clear eye to help him find his way back from the dark. ✦ Broken by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka & rex & cast, NSFW, dark themes, sith!obi-wan, 30.8k wip    The Twins are unstoppable enforcers of the Emperor’s will, the sun and moon that hang in the black void of his rule. It is said they are not the same age and that under their hoods they do not look alike, but they fight as one entity, silent and terrible as an eclipse in a spring sky. ✦ Release by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, ~1k    A quick and dirty story about quick and dirty things. ✦ Family by lilyconrad, obi-wan & anakin & qui-gon & darth maul & cast, sith!obi-wan, 6.8k    Seven years after the duel on Naboo, Obi-Wan Kenobi has turned to the dark, Maul has turned to the light, and young Anakin is caught somewhere in-between. Can Qui-Gon rescue his Padawan before it’s too late? ✦ A Walking Shadow by lilyconrad, obi-wan & anakin & padme & luke & leia & palpatine & cast, 74.6k    It is five years into the Empire’s ascension, an order built on the blood and bodies of the Jedi. None survived, they say, and the handsome, icy profile of Lord Vader plastered across every Imperial city leaves no room for doubt in the minds of many. But Vader knows there is at least one left, one that escaped him on Mustafar all those years ago. ✦ The World Undone by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka & maul, nsfw, sith!obi-wan, 143.3k    Anakin Skywalker, proud symbol of the strength and purity of the Jedi Order, is the target of a strange and handsome Sith named Obi-Wan, whose only goal seems to be pulling Skywalker down into the dark with him. ✦ The Warp and the Weft by FireflyFish, lilyconrad, obi-wan & anakin & rey & cast, 3.2k wip    Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet the Force. “We are all a part of the great Cosmic Force and whether we like it or not, when called, we must answer. Even if we’re dead, Anakin.” ✦ Coda by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, modern au, 60k wip    Anakin is an up-and-coming first soloist for the New York City Ballet Company, a brash, confident dancer with a smoldering sensuality to his technique and an electric smile that makes fangirl toes curl and quite possibly his choreographer’s. full details + recs under the cut!

✦ Equinox by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin, sith!obi-wan, 9k    During the Clone Wars, Obi-Wan and Anakin crash on a remote planet and take shelter in the ruins of a grand estate only to find they are not alone.    Chapter 1: I was always going to be biased, since this was a birthday gift for me, it was always going to appeal to everything I wanted, but, oh, I genuinely love it and would have whether it was meant for me or not. There’s so much really beautiful imagery in the first chapter already, there’s so much lush description of the planet that Jedi!Obi-Wan and Jedi!Anakin land on, there’s such a feel of it being a gothic horror piece already, just from the atmosphere the fic paints. And already I love the little details, the way Obi-Wan and Anakin worry over each other, the way Obi-Wan tells Anakin to just sit down as he pours more energy into healing Anakin as best he can, no matter how much it costs himself, the descriptions of the mansion they find themselves at, and the killer cliffhanger ending, of course. I want the next chapter so badly already and I am so eagerly looking forward to the two pairs meeting each other and having to deal with seeing how much is or isn’t reflected back at themselves and whatever else will come from this story. It’s a great set-up and I’m going to be circling this one like a hawk, let me tell you.     Chapter 2: This is an update rec and will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. I am, of course, entirely biased towards this fic, because it’s a present for me and because it’s tailored to the things I enjoy, but I legitimately love this fic so much and every chapter (even if it’s just two right now, I expect this trend will continue) gets me further and further hooked. This is where the Jedi versions of Obi-Wan and Anakin meet their other universe selves, where there’s this really well-done undercurrent of how these people look like them, aren’t them, but there are these little things that are so unsettling in all the right ways. The way the fic uses small touches, like the way SIth!Obi-Wan pulls on Sith!Anakin’s hair, which makes him tip his head back and go a little slack, the way Sith!Anakin twirls his saber before he settles on an attack, the way they work as a team, it gives this really beautifully done air of how these characters are familiar yet not. The details they use to convince Jedi Obi-Wan and Anakin that they are who they say they are! It’s unsettling in the perfect way.    And I’m so impressed that there’s a moment in the fic (the hair pulling) where it’s not even explicit at all, but, damn, did it get under my skin and wind its way into my thoughts, it suggested so many things without being suggestive, and it was beautifully written. The fic does a beautiful job with already winding in those elements of a d/s relationship in a way that works for the characters, it does so in the way that hits my id dead on, but also is legitimately lovely writing for these characters. This is what I’m here for and, ahhh, it’s so good and so gorgeous already!    Chapter 3: This is an update rec and will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole, though I do my best to avoid too many major spoilers! I almost can’t believe that this fic is over 15k already and it’s only a quarter of the way done and it just has me entirely hooked on it, that of course I enjoy everything I read of Lily’s, but this one is going to be special to me, even beyond that it’s a gift for me. And this chapter just further cements that in, with the way there’s something that gently pulls at me the entire chapter, some combination of waiting for the big reveals we know are coming and waiting for the shit to hit the fan as things always do and this sense of… the whole time I was reading this chapter, as Obi-Wan and Anakin were trying to figure out what was going on, trying to figure out what to do next to get off this planet, I felt the sense of something not quite making sense here, in that way that an adventure set in the canon itself would feel. You know somethig isn’t exactly as benign as it appears on the surface, you know something is going on here, but you’re not quite sure what it is and you can feel it but there aren’t enough pieces to put it together yet, all of which was done so very well by the writing here, it’s exactly that kind of creeping tension that makes a story, whether fic or canon, so good.    Of course it’s not just that, there’s also the other touches that are written into the story, like the way Obi-Wan and Anakin work together, the way they obviously care deeply, the way they’re such good friends and I can feel that it’s been a hard-won friendship between them, but that it means the galaxy to Anakin–which, of course, is what will make the reflection of that dynamic in the Sith versions so sharp and have such impact on the Jedi versions, because it’s another inverse reflection of their relationship. And I love the structure here, but oh man when Anakin does finally stumble over them, it’s worth the wait, it’s one of those moments that quietly shatters something in him, not really in a bad way, there’s a sense of how something seems to… maybe not quite click into place, though it’s not far off from that and it’s definitely not as horrible as he might have expected it to be, instead it sneaks under his skin and gets to him, makes all these images and thoughts bloom so much more into focus for him.    But it’s also the little touches of this story, the way Veris talks to Isten when Anakin overhears them, the way there’s something so charming and yet dominating about their relationship, and, oh, does that hit my id and work so well for me. It’s also about what that does to Anakin, how relatable his reaction is, as well as that I love the gen dynamic between him and Jedi Obi-Wan, that we seetheir friendship here, we see the care, in the way they walk to each other, the way they each help the other, the way they metaphorically put their backs to each other and face whatever’s coming, the way they heal each other, the way they talk to each other (such lovely and fun and sparkling dialogue! I lovedgallows humor, because it’s so entirely them!), like it works as a way to compare/contrast against the Sith, but it would have been a joy to read just for its own sake as well. This fic has absolutely caught me and taken over me and I love it dearly and just want to vent my feelings for like an hour about it–as you can see.    Chapter 4: This is an update rec and will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. I’m also going split this rec into two parts, the first half will be my usual mostly non-spoilery version, the second will be a much more detailed reaction. Because I want to and I have things to say! Non-spoilery: I’ll preface this by saying that this fic was written for me and so it’s tailored to my wants, so I cannot speak with true objectivity on it, but I can still recognize when something is beautifully written and when it’s just ridiculously good. While reading this fic, it was like I could feel my brain lighting up from it, there was almost a physical feeling in my nerves for how much I enjoyed a certain scene in this chapter, where Obi-Wan and Isten (Sith!Anakin) have a conversation and it gets at the heart of what is so, so fascinating about these two pairs meeting–they’re not the same as their other self, but they are a negative image of each other, and that the contrasts are all there, beautifully done, but there’s also more comparisons than Obi-Wan (or Anakin) would be comfortable with. And it takes nothing away from the canon, nor does it make these beautiful Soft Sith versions any less the ones of my heart, and that’s exactly what I hoped for.    The tension in that scene, after the almost lazy and unhurried scene between Obi-Wan and Anakin, is incredible, that this Isten is recognizable as Anakin in some ways and everything that means to Obi-Wan, but he’s so different and that means the tone changes, it changes in the way the scene unfolds, in the showing of it, not the author telling it. And, oh, good god, that scene doesn’t even have to be explicit to be smoking hot, the imagery is ridiculously good, and the final scene, the reason why Obi-Wan goes, what he sees, what it says about those two as well as himself and Anakin, all of it just smacked my id down to the floor and told it not to get up again, in the best possible way. Of course, that’s not even all, there’s a growing mystery, there are little character details all over the place, and a beautifully creepy scene in the hallway that’s only a moment, but had me hooked for the plot, too, not just the gorgeous twining around all four of these characters do with each other.    SPOILERS: I think the above rec could be read without having read the chapter itself, but beyond this point I’m absolutely going to talk about specific things and I think the chapter is better read first–but I still want to do this because a) FEELINGS and b) I know I like reading responses from other people sometimes, too! I loved all of this chapter, it’s easily my favorite of the fic yet, I loved the way Obi-Wan and Anakin’s relationship is this friendship fraught with the same issues we all recognize from canon, that they care deeply about each other, but they’re wound tightly because of the war and that there’s that bit of distance between them that feels not right. Then along comes the Sith duo, especially Isten, who can’t help poking at them, for whatever reason he does it, because he’s bored, because he likes doing it, because Veris (Sith!Obi-Wan) wanted him to, because he has a plan, because he just wants to see things explode, or even just because Obi-Wan is still a version of his Master. And he’s so like Anakin in some ways, so much of a cocky attitude, so much power roiling through him, and yet he’s more settled in his skin than Anakin himself is, there’s something that feels like it’s clicked into place for him, and that scene does a lot to show Obi-Wan just exactly what that is. He needles this version of his Master with how he and Veris are together, how he listens to Veris, how Obi-Wan wants to know why that is, and then shows him.    It’s not even an explicit scene, but it was still one of the hottest things I’ve ever read, how he sinks to his knees and loosens his clothing and touches himself, softly pleads with his Master to touch him, how much he wants this. That Obi-Wan isn’t out of line to think that Veris forces him to be the way he is, to see him still wearing his tabards because Veris likes it (and that was a beautifully subtle touch, for further comparisons and contrasts), to see the way Veris grabs him by the hair to pull his head back, to hear Isten say that Veris has him every night, but that it unfolds and we see that it’s what Isten wants, that he enjoys the guiding hand Veris uses on him, that he easily gives it over for the control Veris can wrap him up in, despite his incredible strength and power. And that it’s a scene about the way Obi-Wan reacts, the iron in his voice when he commands Isten to stop that, the way Isten stills at it and the moment of intense satisfaction it brings Obi-Wan before he’s horrified, that spark of finally reigning Anakin in, finally putting necessary boundaries on him, then the guilt that he would enjoy it, despite that Isten flourishes under it, needs it. That comparison to go with the contrast, what it says not just about this other version of Anakin, but how it immediately turns thoughts to this Anakin, how little control he has over himself, how much more unsettled and unstable he feels, how much more angry he is, and it can’t help but intrigue.    Not that the fic is done with me yet! Oh, to have Obi-Wan happen to see Veris and Isten in the middle of actual fucking, especially after Anakin had stumbled over them as well, was delightfully executed here, it wasn’t just that it made sense, but that it got at my feelings, that this was still a version of Anakin and, if he was in trouble, Obi-Wan had to help him, no matter that it might have been a trap they were setting. It says everything about Obi-Wan, that he recognizes the potential risks here, he’s not blind about what it could be, but if there’s a chance, he has to help. It’s still Anakin. Even if it’s not, because the scene with the Jedi is… even when they’re sharing a room, even when it’s clear they’re very close, there’s that sense of distance, it’s something just a little less warm, which is so different from Veris and Isten, the sheer amount of intimacy and want. Of course it’s different, they’re in a different type of relationship, there’s going to be more of a specific kind of passion to lovers than there will be to friends, but I still felt it, it’s never said in the writing specifically, but I felt it.    The imagery in the scene Obi-Wan witnesses, as Isten’s hands are tied to the headboard as Veris fucks him, only an open tunic on him as his long legs wrap around his Master, everything else, even his glove, bared to his Master, no stubborness or forcing himself to be stronger than he is, just letting his Master hold him and have him and fuck him. Pleading for more of it, complately trusting Veris to have every part of him, parts Anakin keeps angrily hidden. And, oh, when Veris calls Isten Anakin, it’s this beautiful shock to my system, to Obi-Wan’s as well, that we’d gotten used to thinking of them otherwise, even with the reason he came here was because this was some version of Anakin, but to hear Veris say his name, to hold him so dear, how beautiful and wanted this Anakin is to him. When Isten comes at Veris’ command and then he rolls them over to have Isten continue riding him, the memories of the first time Obi-Wan had another man riding him like that, how everything about it twines together around the image of Anakin Anakin Anakin in my mind, was also gorgeous. I loved these scenes for the sex, they were ridiculously pleasing to me on a personal level, but it’s also all the things that aren’t so different after all, everything that’s being said about these characters and their motivations under the surface, what’s true about all of them, that’s what really light my mind up like I can’t even describe.    Of course, there is actually a developing mystery here–slow bits of plot being teased about why this mansion is here, what drew them to it, why the Force feels so strange here, what’s happening with Anakin at the end, what was the shadow that wonderfully creepy doing there, what do the journals mean or even say, who was watching them that wasn’t the Sith? All of it has me absolutely hooked, it’s all building and building and I actually loved this chapter enough to be satisfied for the next two weeks, but also that I am so ready for this fic to be in my hot little hands now. And, yes, every word of this rec was necessary, shut up. ♥    Chapter 5: This is an update rec and will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. This chapter does more lovely things, there’s an almost laid back, peaceful scene with our two Jedi, except for the part where something still feels a bit off in the house around them, how things just aren’t quite how they should be, and while I’m defniitely here for the interaction between the characters (all versions of them), I am loving that creeping sense of “was that tool really just there a minute ago?” and “so what do those journals really mean and what will they tell?” to go along with the “what the hell is this place??” that’s been so enjoyable. The author does so well with pretty imagery that it creates these really well-done moments–like the feeling of echoing footsteps coming closer and closer, but you can’t see who it is, there’s this feeling that it’s someone or something else, and you know something’s off, but is it the character or the house? So good for me!    But I think my favorite aspect continues to be the interplay between the Jedi and these Soft Sith versions that have so worked their way under my skin, that I’m so intrigued by–I can’t tell what their true motivations are, if they’re helping or biding their time before doing something worse, if they’re something ethereal made real by this place or if they really were drawn here just as the Jedi versions were. Having Veris and Obi-Wan interact in this chapter is fascinating, because it’s entirely different from how Obi-Wan interacts with Isten, who is still some version of Anakin and of course Obi-Wan distrusts him for what he’s become but still wants to help him, that he doesn’t treat this version of “himself” the same way. That there’s something so precise and lethal about this version of canon character, all that intelligence and predatory skill our version keeps on a very tight leash isn’t so caged up anymore, and even when he’s not doinganything, just talking to Obi-Wan, you can feel that sense of, “oh, I wouldn’t want to cross him, ever”. And, oh, there’s this line: “Isten, he noted with more than a little shame, he now knew how to get rid of. Veris was another matter entirely, and it did not help at all to think about the last time he had seen him, lying between Isten’s thighs.” which says so much about the dynamics–how well he knows Anakin, how deeply unsettled he is by the memory of the previous chapter and the spark of what it’s lit with him, but how different it is when it comes to “himself”, that it’s harder to work around him and harder to be faced with the things he doesn’t want to see there. All wrapped up in a brief thought about how one was easier to get rid of than the other.    What’s getting me here is what I’ve always believed about Sith!Obi-Wan–Soft Sith!Obi-Wan, really, because few of us want canon!Sith!Obi-Wan, this is so much, much better–is that I have trouble seeing him fall to the dark side on his own, not after everything that canon threw at him and he still never was consumed by the dark, he always worked through and came to terms with the dark things that he felt. But that’s a situation where Anakin was lost and here–here Anakin can be held onto, here Anakin can be kept, here Anakin can be with him, so loved and cherished and never let go of. If Obi-Wan was ever going to fall, the best chance of that is going to be centered around Anakin, this one that he has loved so much that it shapes his life. Everything else can be worked through, but not Anakin, not the promise of Anakin, no. And that will get me every time, just the suggestion of it in this fic, the way Veris taunts and needles Obi-Wan with the dark version of something Obi-Wan wants, in a way that’s a horror to him, but still worms its way under the skin because, oh, Anakin. And that’s a straight shot to both my id and every feeling I’ve had about these characters, that’s what this fic is winding its way towards and what makes it so good for me.    Chapter 6: This is an update rec and will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. As always, my thought whenever I finish a chapter of this story is, “Noooo, why does it have to end there, I want to keep reading!” And this is a chapter that’s about Anakin and Isten’s interaction, as well as the growing mystery of whatever creepy thing is happening in the house, and it’s all just so very lovely. There’s a sense of something shifting and roiling with Anakin here, he’s unsettled and I can really feel it in everything he does, whether it’s tossing and turning in bed at night or in his angry conversation with Isten. Whether it’s the house getting to him or being confronted with things he doesn’t want to think about (my answer: PROBABLY BOTH), it’s getting under his skin and let me tell you about how much I love Anakin Skywalker being a mess and being contrasted against the Sith version of himself and not wanting to hear what he has to say or feel how much more settled that version is in his own skin. The nightmares that haunt him (which are beautifully used here, how that’s something that still lingers in his heart and drags him down again and again, how it claws at him), the darkness that terrifies him, the way he feels like he’s not really in control, all of it is building and, oh, I’m so entirely here for that.    The insights Isten has into Anakin’s character, what he utterly understands about the person who is a mirror image of himself in a lot of ways, is fascinating, because it’s true–for all that Isten has Fallen, for all that one shouldn’t trust him, for all that he’s probably capable of terrible things, that just means that he knows how to face the truth and turn it into a weapon that cuts and undermines Anakin, he knows how to hurt with it. And the unsettling thing about the dark is that it’s not always 100% wrong, especially why he isn’t bothered by the house, but Anakin is. That he’s right about what Anakin wants when he acts out, how desperately he wants attention, how giving himself over to the one he wants will stop the noise–and, whatever else Isten may or may not be wrong about, he’s not wrong about that, when he himself is proof of it. And, oh, that contrast, that parallel between these two Anakins, that’s so good for me.    Of course, there’s still more going on. The house and the shadows that are slowly creeping forward are more pronounced now, even if the character themselves don’t see them. It’s slow and insidious and there’s something there, but you can’t put your finger on it yet and it’s beautifully creepy. And I still have no idea what drew these people together, if the Sith versions are just id made flesh or if they’re something else, I don’t know what they want or which of them is telling the truth about who Fell or if both or neither are, and there’s a growing closeness between Jedi Obi-Wan and Jedi Anakin, partly sparked off by seeing these other two together and the lust that inspires in both of them, but also because they’re in a situation that unsettles them and it’s natural to look to the other to or for help. And, oh, the ending of this chapter got me, I didn’t see it coming, but it was built up to perfectly and it made so much sense with everything Anakin felt up to then and Obi-Wan’s response to Anakin gave me a ton of feelings. Because it’s always just Anakin that he thinks this way for, that he wouldn’t care as deeply about someone else, he wouldn’t have such sympathy for someone else, he wouldn’t draw the parallel (because they’re not the same thing) for anyone else, he wouldn’t say what he does for someone else, just Anakin. And wrapped up in the darkness they’ve been forced to confront, it’s a beautifully built narrative element, all added to how it’s Anakin crying on Obi-Wan and that’s just like one of the easiest ways to my fannish heart, especially when it’s so beautfiully written. ✦ Home Again by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, dom/sub, light kink, 1.7k    When Anakin’s emotions overwhelm him, Obi-Wan is always there with a firm hand and clear eye to help him find his way back from the dark.    Holy hell, this fic was made for me, but also it’s just incredibly lovely and perfect. It’s set in a relationship between them that is dom/sub, in a way that benefits Anakin so much, you can feel even in a pwp fic that Anakin has all this noise in his head and the way Obi-Wan takes him in hand cuts through that and clears it away. I would have loved it just for that. I would have loved it just for the delicious and well-described sex, the light kink and the spanking and then the fucking, it has some really beautiful imagery here! But I think my very favorite thing (if just barely, because I have many favorite things about this fic) is the tension the author builds up–the way Obi-Wan seems like he’s ignoring Anakin, but you feel how much his attention very much is on Anakin, the way he gives Anakin an order, who doesn’t quite know what’s coming, that tension that nearly boils over in him before Obi-Wan cuts through it. The build-up had me feeling wound up, so that the release was even better, making this a really satisfying and well-written fic! ✦ Broken by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka & rex & cast, NSFW, dark themes, sith!obi-wan, 30.8k wip    The Twins are unstoppable enforcers of the Emperor’s will, the sun and moon that hang in the black void of his rule. It is said they are not the same age and that under their hoods they do not look alike, but they fight as one entity, silent and terrible as an eclipse in a spring sky.    Chapter 1: At the time of this rec, only the first chapter had been posted, so it will focus on that, rather than the fic as a whole. I don’t always go for really dark fic, but I’ve liked this author’s other work so much and there was the promise of Anakin riding Obi-Wan like a greedy, desperate thing, so, okay, I’ll give it a shot! And it’s really lovely writing and there’s something so entirely unsettling about the silence of the two of them, contrasted against how we’re familiar with them as loud and bantery characters, that they’re the old married couple who bickers constantly. Here, that’s been stripped away from them, instead it’s taken them down to little more than base instincts, yet that connection between them remains, and it’s the strength of the writing that really pulls that off, that really makes me able to see this and feel so much about it. That I still see the characters I knew from canon in these warped and twisted versions of them was heartbreaking, but also the thing that super made it worth reading. Well, that and the furiously intense aftermath of their mission where they crash against each other and the sex is rough and harsh and Anakin climbs onto Obi-Wan’s lap and rides him like a demon possessed and, okay, I’m really into that, the darker quality to their relationship, as well as the pretty writing.   There’s such a lovely image in this moment: And then after more gasps and moans and fumbling with sweet slickness they had switched, Sen in the plush seat and the milky white disc of the planet outside a strange halo around Koh’s head as Koh rode him as hard as he could, thighs apart as he straddled Sen’s lap and their breaths harsh gasps against the faint ticking of the chronometer in the silence of the apartment. It’s taking all the good things about their relationship and inverting them, in some ways a negative image of what they are in canon, and making it lovely and heartbreaking and addictive. There are always undercurrents of darkness in the Star Wars canon, especially with these two, but they’re not always teased out in the right ways, but, oh, this one worked very, very well for me. Also, that sex scene was lovely and I’m always here for Anakin’s head crowned with a halo as he sits on Obi-Wan’s lap, give me that always.    Chapters 2-3: This is an update rec, so it will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. This continues to be a very heartbreaking, unhappy fic that almost assuredly isn’t going to get much happier, so you have to go into the fic expecting that. This is a galaxy that’s terrible and awful and painful, but that’s what I’m here for with this one, even as much as it breaks my fannish heart. And I continue to love the sense of how utterly dangerous they are in this fic, how my heart can hurt for what became of Obi-Wan and Anakin, especially for what it must have taken to break them down like this, yet some part of me is still satisfied at how co-dependent they are with each other, twisted into something so dark and awful here. The use of the people who knew them, the use of the people who only know them as the Twins, the eerie, creepy way they move in synch, all of it reminds the reader of what they once were, the elements that were always there, but now in this dark funhouse mirror version of them that’s so awful and yet so intriguing.   These chapters also show how they are in battle, how they are when they’re separate for even a few moments, and that’s worse, but then! Anakin is hurt and there’s this raging river underneath the story, the terror and the furor when one of them is hurt and the other feels it, that they can bite and claw at each other, but they’re two halves of a set, that even in this twisted version of them, Anakin still gets wound up and twisted around by his feelings, and still needs someone to fight him, to push him down and roughly hold him in place and fuck him, pin him face down and push into him and wrap a hard hand around his throat, give him a pain and a pleasure that wipes everything else from his mind, because even in this dark version, he’s still Anakin Skywalker and even in this dark version Obi-Wan will give him what he needs.   This isn’t a fic for if you want something happy or something that will probably work out, but if you like something that exposes all the connections between them and then takes them down a dark path, then this one is an absolutely fascinating, engrossing read!    Chapter 4: This is an update rec and will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. This fic continues to break my heart, but also utterly engross me–it’s still not a happy fic, it’s almost assuredly never going to be a happy fic, you gotta roll with that when you start it, but it’s well-told and has this really sharp edge to everything, it doesn’t try to oversell what’s happened, but instead lets the horror of all of this breathe, lets what happened with Obi-Wan and Anakin have the room to settle and is almost understated, so much is unknown, but it still carries the weight of just how awful it is. This is one of those chapters that really hit me with how much has been lost between these two, how much of who they were is just gone, even if bits and tattered pieces remain somewhere long buried, it only hurts more because they can never really fully come back from this, it can’t be undone. Seeing the reactions from Ahsoka and Rex, the interaction Dooku has with both of them, drives home just how little is even there anymore, even when they’re set off by something or other. They’re truly feral here and the final scene of the chapter has this incredible frantic energy without trying too hard, I just felt the chaos and sheer intensity of it!   But, really, my favorite thing about this fic is how it takes the bond between Obi-Wan and Anakin and twists it to something so much more desperate and dark, the one thing they have when all other lights go out for them, the one thing they hold onto when everything else must have been pain. I loved seeing them through Dooku’s eyes, the way it was such a waste of who they’d been, that the fic does such a lovely job of showing how terrifying The Twins are while still making the audience sad for how much was lost to get them there. It’s dark, but it’s so good for me.    Chapter 5: This is an update rec and will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. This chapter reminded me all over again how heartbreaking this whole story is, to see how much of Obi-Wan and Anakin have just been forever lost, that there may be embers left, but who they were are really and truly gone. And it was difficult to read because it implies what must have been truly soul-breaking to get them to this point, to see them so destroyed in spirit and so afraid and so pliant to what Sidious orders them to do. Seeing it through Ahsoka’s eyes, the contrast against how you know this won’t be a happy ending of a story, they’re too gone, there’s not enough left, they’re just empty shells of who they used to be, only the most basic of instincts and connection to each other left. And it’s so sad, but also beautifully done, that even if maybe I have a little hope that they might get a bittersweet ending (and I’m not prepared to hold my breath on that, but either way I’ll be satisfied, I know I’m not reading a sunshine fic here), and I know I’ll have a lot of feelings along the way. Plus, the bits of clone world building with the way they look at strong enemies, really just gave me a lot of feelings, like… it’s not better this way, but there is at least something to hold onto, however small it is. I feel like that describes so much of this fic, too!    Chapters 6-7: This is an update rec and will focus on these chapters, rather than the fic as a whole. I will do my best to balance between not giving away too many spoilers and yet still writing a rec for these chapters/flailing about my feelings, because I’ve been enjoying this fic all along the way, but it’s definitely in even higher gear, now that we’re in the middle of the fic and heading towards the end. Of course shit is hitting the fan at this point and I’m eating it up like it’s delicious candy. In a way, it’s relieving to go into this fic knowing that it’s clearly not a happy ending piece, that I’m not getting my hopes up for a good ending, but instead I’m enjoying it in the sense of “well, at least there’s one universe where things went worse” and something that’s harder to put into words, something about how fascinating it is to see so much of these characters stripped away and broken and twisted and having fused together just to surivive. It’s such a dark twisting of their relationship from canon and to have echoes of who they used to be still reverberating through them sometimes is deliciously painful.    With everything ramping up in these chapters, as Ahsoka’s presence kicks off a bit of a landslide inside each of them, I’m absolutely on the edge of my seat. I’m completely engaged with how these characters have woven themselves together, how they wouldn’t survive a separation or even much of anything, yet it’s still darkly beautiful, the way their Force signatures have woven together is beautifully described and the scenes where they get something of their memories back and how it affects them is just so beautifully painful and seeing Ahsoka again is more beautiful pain and this is never going to be a happy fic, but the strength of the writing and the way the relationship is written has me completely onboard with it and makes it worth the pain. Such a good, good fic!    Chapter 8: This is an update rec and will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. One of the things I most appreciate about this fic is that it’s not grimdark for the sake of being grimdark or edgy, but that I knew from the outset that this wasn’t going to be a happy fic, that it does justice to what has happened to Obi-Wan and Anakin, that to have broken them, it must have been something so terrible that it can’t be undone again, that that’s how strong the characters were before and that’s what the weight of this story and these events mean. Where that’s ultimately headed, I’m still not even sure, but I’m eager to find out–even as I’m sad that there’s only one more chapter left, because I feel like, with the way things have been set up, it could be a bittersweet ending or it could be an entirely tragic ending. The bits of memory that have floated back, even the good parts, just hurt more for the contrast against what they are now and the associations of what happened later that they bring with them.    It’s also lovely for Ahsoka’s role in this, the emotion she brings to the reader and to the other characters, both when they do and don’t recognize her, she’s used so very well for that effect. It shows just how little of who they used to be is left, and yet there are still echoes, which is so sad, but is exactly what this scenario calls for. The fight against Ahsoka and the realization of what’s looming even beyond that, all of it has such great pacing, I could just read and read and read, if I had the rest of it available in front of them. The memories floating to the surface, the clashing of senses of self between Obi-Wan and Anakin and Sen and Koh, the fight with Ahsoka, the rapidly approaching next fight, all of it was beautifully done, there’s something so elegant about this story, something beautiful even as it’s horrible and broken. I’m going to be sad when this fic ends, but I’m also looking forward to the conclusion and having hurt feelings about it, in the exact way I should.    Chapter 9: This is an update rec and will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. So, this was the final chapter for this fic and it’s just as sad as I expected, it was exactly what was coming the entire time, and yet I thought I was prepared. But between letting go of this particularly story and the actual events of it, yeah, okay, I was definitely crying by the end. But I wouldn’t have had the story end any other way than what it did, after the previous chapters had the resurfacing memories the way they did, there was never any other way this could have gone, not really, and given that it was a satisfying ending, that it went out as it was the entire way–a story about how broken these characters wound up being, that they loved each other so much and that allowed them to survive, that there was so little beyond that bond that could reach them anymore. But Ahsoka was there and they remembered her and it was so satisfying for that. But also that, ultimately, this was a chapter about Obi-Wan and Anakin and this awful thing that had happened to them and the swirls of beauty that they’d made of it. It was about these characters resurfacing again, not just the good but all the bad that Sen and Koh had done as well, that they could find the strength to rise above it one more time.    The balance between saving Ahsoka and what they had to do for themselves, between their fury at the world around them and the clones trying to attack them and the good they struggled to find in themselves, the balance between fear and peace, all of it was just exactly what I hoped for from this final chapter. That it touched me as a fan of these characters, their relationship, and this author’s work. It was a satisfying ending in that it went exactly how it had to go, even if it was sad and brought tears to my eyes, it was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time, that there was peace and hope even amongst all the tragedy of what had happened to the two of them. And, oh, if I hadn’t been there before it, the epilogue absolutely would have brought tears to me as well (and it did), because the galaxy keeps moving forward. And, for all that this was a horrible situation for them, the fic does such a gorgeous, gorgeous job of how they were together in this, that it saved them from something that would have been worse, in a different way, that it’s not entirely awful (the clothes gave me so much hope, that warm touch of comfort that I needed not to be an emotional wreck!). The ending was beautiful and bittersweet and hopeful and sad and absolutely everything it needed to be. Such a lovely experience of a fic! ✦ Release by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, ~1k    A quick and dirty story about quick and dirty things.    You know how sometimes you have one of those fics that’s a pwp and not even a thousand words and yet it’s absolutely everything that it needs to be and everything that you’ve been wanting to see in fic? This one hit me hard because it’s appealing to my id, but also because it really is just spot on for the characters, that the writing and imagery used is lovely, the sex is scorchingly hot and satisfying, but also, god, this Anakin is everything. It’s this gorgeous mix of hard and fast fucking, because they were fighting and of course they resolve it with Anakin bent over a table and getting a very thorough fucking, of course that calms him down and turns him playful, because Obi-Wan is unleashed with him, because he’s pleasantly a bit brain fuzzed like this, not having to think about all the usual stuff that winds him up. Even when they’re interrupted, it’s a chance for Anakin to be a cheerfully bratty little shit by grinding back onto Obi-Wan’s cock, while Obi-Wan is trying to keep a level voice.   The language of the fic is lovely and rich, there are some beautiful lines in the fic: Anakin looks over his shoulder with a pleading pout, his dark hair a rich brown against the black of the burned-out wall behind him, as Obi-Wan slows and leans forward to settle against and inside him. After their frantic, demanding rhythm, this luscious motion almost drives Anakin to come right there, the lazy friction spreading in gorgeous, maddening heat through every bit of him. does me in every time, as well as the way Anakin is playful and teasing, trying to get a reaction out of Obi-Wan, who absolutely gives him one in the form of hair pulling that just turns Anakin on even more, before finally ending the call and roughly fucking him again in repayment and I’m just. Reading this like, jesus, this is it, this is what this pairing is made of, this is the summation of their relationship and what I’m looking for in this fandom and what I will seek out again and again, because it was everything I could have asked for. ✦ Family by lilyconrad, obi-wan & anakin & qui-gon & darth maul & cast, sith!obi-wan, 6.8k    Seven years after the duel on Naboo, Obi-Wan Kenobi has turned to the dark, Maul has turned to the light, and young Anakin is caught somewhere in-between. Can Qui-Gon rescue his Padawan before it’s too late?    I don’t know how I missed this fic until today! But, oh, I really loved it, as it’s such a manipulative and angry Obi-Wan, who seems to care about Anakin in some way, but also absolutely uses him and isn’t with him for entirely altruistic reasons. The surface may be similar in a lot of ways, but it’s such a different character from canon (in exactly the way it’s supposed to be!) where he loved Anakin so much, where he would never have used him for such selfish purposes, though, in almost any universe, their connection and their sheer chemistry is still alive and crackling. I love the moments with Qui-Gon, who carries such a heavy weight, whatever he is or isn’t responsible for with Obi-Wan’s path and the loss of Anakin, he feels the weight of it on himself anyway and I felt so much for him, all the more so because he desperately did want to put things right, but wouldn’t cross certain lines. And Maul maybe not being good, but not being the creature of hate, not being the Sith that he was before! And the ending! All of this was really, really fun and captured my imagination and wrote some lovely interactions we don’t see much (Maul talking about how he found himself and Anakin similar! such a lovely and deft touch the fic had with that!) and was perfect as it was. ✦ A Walking Shadow by lilyconrad, obi-wan & anakin & padme & luke & leia & palpatine & cast, 74.6k    It is five years into the Empire’s ascension, an order built on the blood and bodies of the Jedi. None survived, they say, and the handsome, icy profile of Lord Vader plastered across every Imperial city leaves no room for doubt in the minds of many. But Vader knows there is at least one left, one that escaped him on Mustafar all those years ago.    Chapters 1-11: I have been enjoying this fic! I like the way it starts out, the confrontation between Obi-Wan and Anakin, in a different universe, where Vader isn’t in the suit, where Obi-Wan doesn’t have the same path as he does in the canon, their fight was really intense, both emotionally and physically, these two people who’ve known each other for so long, who really do know each other, even as they no longer understand each other. As I was reading, the fic just sort of slipped right on by me before I noticed, because the writing is solid and lovely and it’s easy to just sail right along, but also because I wasn’t really sure where the fic was going until chapter 11, that it was a different universe, but I didn’t really have an idea what the fic was building towards. And, as much as I enjoy reading fics as they’re in progress, I think I’m glad that I picked this one up when I had ~20k of it to read (at the time of this rec) because it allowed me to get a better sense of the flow and because it helped show me the building tension of it. And I do really like the little touches of world-building here, the different path the fic has put the characters on, Vader especially, and it’s just a really solid fic that I’m looking forward to reading more of!    Chapters 12-19: Now that I’ve caught up through the rest of the fic (that was posted at the time of this rec), oh, a story that intrigued me and had really interesting moments all along the way, became one that absolutely enthralled me. Chapter 11 or so is absolutely where this story kicks into the next gear, where the point of the story becomes clear and everything builds up to a breaking point that I absolutely loved. (And if you want to avoid spoilers, skip the rest of this rec!) Because I am always here for fic where Anakin comes back to the Light because he has to face what he’s done, how much he hurt Padme, and because his children need him to not be a horrible villain, especially in combination with Obi-Wan pretty much helping him to raise the twins. And that it’s not just a quick fix, that the next ~30k are spent on him feeling horrible about it, that everything isn’t just instantly forgiven, that it’s only through necessity that Obi-Wan will bond with him again, will trust him again, and Anakin actually has to work for his redemption, he’s not even that close to it yet, only with these three people has he been forgiven (though, not wholly repaired), that he may never be able to fully fix what he’s done wrong. I love stories like that, especially ones that make his relationship with Obi-Wan difficult, yet I still trust that one of the core tenets of their relationship is that Obi-Wan loves him no matter what, that he can never stop loving Anakin, and that may not make it easy, they still have a lot of shit to work through, Anakin has destroyed so much between them, but I trust that they will get there, because it’s one of the fundamental truths of Star Wars: Obi-Wan Kenobi loves Anakin Skywalker.   But also! Obi-Wan and Anakin raising the twins and trying to figure out how much to get involved with the Rebellion! Having to really work to put their relationship back together! That it’s gen in this story, but you could probably read Obi-Wan/Anakin potential into it, even if they really have other things to be working on right now! And, oh, I was so into the scenes where Obi-Wan’s anger started leaking out around the edges, that he’d been run so ragged for so long that the edges of him had been sharp and cutting, that when he unleashes himself against the Stormtroopers because they need to be taken care of before he can escape with Anakin and the children, there’s something so incredibly dangerous about him. The Jedi have always been lethal, but Obi-Wan Kenobi is one of the most dangerous of all, so getting him into a situation where he let himself off the chain, probably more than he should have? So goddamned good for me, yesss, remember that Obi-Wan may not like to do it, but he is deadly in a fight, he’s dangerous and powerful and knows how to use his skills, especially after the war they’ve all been through. I shamelessly enjoyed that.   Oh, I will warn that chapter 19 ends on a bit of a terrible cliffhanger, but I can see why (and I find myself unsure of whether I hope it drags out, because I want more of this fic for a long time to come or if I want everything to finally be back on the right track–I feel like I want things to be better, but does everything Anakin’s done really let him off that easy? I tend to lean towards not, I lean towards that it’ll still be a long ways for him to go, even if at least Obi-Wan and the kids are with him now) and it just makes me want the next chapter and whatever else happens here soon! And I really love the pacing of this one, that all the scenes are used well, that there’s some breathing room (especially as their little family travels around the galaxy while hiding from Palpatine) even as plot things loom over their heads, that they’re a family, even as they struggle to put themselves back together. I’d read another 100k of everything that’s happening in the fic right now. *__*    Chapter 20: This will be an update rec and will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. I probably should have waited until there were at least two chapters before doing an update rec but, eh, I was excited!!! because I love this fic and it doesn’t matter that this chapter was only 2.5k words (which actually is a solid chapter length) because I really, really enjoyed it and seeing more of it, especially with Ahsoka coming face to face with Anakin, who is still adjusting to trying to grasp everything that he’s done and trying to figure out how to accept how others think about it, trying to figure out how or even if he can atone for it. There’s a quietness to him in this chapter, but it works because he’s walked away from being Vader and all the terrible things he did, but also he still did them and he doesn’t really know what to do anymore and so he just stands there and lets events happen around him and, oh, Ahsoka’s reaction to that, the desperate anger and fear of how to even begin trying to accept this, to struggle with everything he did and now he’s trying to be Anakin again, and there’s just so, so much anger at him, but also, just. It’s Anakin. How can anyone not love him even after all that horribleness? So, I’m glad I read it as soon as the new chapter was posted, even if it means going back to not-so-patiently waiting again. :D    Chapter 21: This is an update rec, so it will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. I meant to at least let two chapters pile up before picking this up again, but then I just started a little bit of it and promptly got sucked in–because Anakin whump! Obi-Wan being pretty goddamned terrifying as a fighter! Bail showing up and having a conversation with them! Anakin trying to atone for his past actions and being full of self-loathing but still trying anyway! These are the things that I’m forever hungry for and so I just got swept up in the chapter and, suddenly, I’d read the whole thing. It’s such an ouchy story, but in a way that’s like catnip to me, because there are never enough fics where Anakin really has to face the shit situation that he’s put himself in, that even if it’s maybe not particularly fair the scenario that comes up here, you can’t really say it’s wholly unwarranted. I love when fic can give me complicated feelings, when I can absolutely and utterly love a character, but they made their bed and now have to lie in it, I love when fic has plot like this that I’m just as eager for, as I am for those moments where Obi-Wan won’t leave Anakin and where he’s still dangerous as hell if you cross him, just let me eat that up like candy. :D    Final Rec: This is one of the earliest fics of Lily’s that I read and it’s created a special place in my heart because I love the concept, that Anakin redemption fics are incredibly special to me, and I felt like I went on a bit of a journey with this one, that I’d been following it for awhile and each update meant something to me. Ultimately this fic is about the path of redemption, that it’s not an easy road to step onto, much less walk down one that never really has a specific end, and this fic does a beautiful job with that, how Anakin does such terrible things and the ways he is or isn’t able to come back from them. And while I love canon a great deal, Anakin never really was redeemed, he died to save his son, he had one moment of selflessness (in a selfish way, honestly, because that’s Anakin for you, I love him so much) rather than actually doing any of the work, but this is a story that has a real cost for him. This is a story where it’s not easy, where he struggles, but it’s worth it in the end. Because his chilren love him, because Obi-Wan loves him, because he can’t hurt any more people that he loves.   It’s a story that’s novel length because that’s what it takes to write Anakin’s redemption in full like this, and it’s about the fight on Mustafar going differently, that leaves Vader without the suit, and I love that Padme is such an important weight in this story, even as it’s largely about Obi-Wan and Anakin at the heart of it. It’s an entirely gen fic, this is about them as brothers, but my id was pleased because they’re both parents to the children, because Obi-Wan is the shining light in Anakin’s darkness, because Anakin is the reason Obi-Wan gets out of bed in the morning, because the ending of the fic was so very, very Anakin Skywalker, so desperate to keep the people he loves close and safe, so teetering on the edge of darkness because he doesn’t know how to handle things, because he’s so wrenched around on the inside, and how things end up… I definitely kind of got a little misty-eyed by the end, because it was the exact bittersweet notes that a fic like this needed.   Which isn’t to forget that there’s actually a plot going on here! And world-building! There are a lot of really cool, interesting details and a genuinely intense final fight that has shades of horror in it in such a great way, the creatures that show up in this fic, the Sith artifacts that are used, are genuinely creepy and had me on the edge of my seat while I was reading because the action was so good! But, oh, the second to last scene (and, hell, the epilogue as well), especially with the kids, just hit me right in the feelings place and I can’t tell you how satisfying this fic was. It’s such a good, good fic for all these elements, for both of these characters, for fans of plot, for fans of having to work for redemption and how that makes it all the more satisfying, for fans who just want a good story. I’m sad to see the story end, but it was a great end and so incredibly worth reading. ✦ The World Undone by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka & maul, nsfw, sith!obi-wan, 143.3k    Anakin Skywalker, proud symbol of the strength and purity of the Jedi Order, is the target of a strange and handsome Sith named Obi-Wan, whose only goal seems to be pulling Skywalker down into the dark with him.    Oh, I hardly know where to start with this fic! I admit that it took me a bit to get into, for personal reasons (I usually turn right around at fic where someone other than Obi-Wan trained Anakin if it isn’t a complete disaster, I’m not a big fan of Maul’s character/thought Dooku or Sidious would have been in his role), but those aren’t really criticisms, they’re just things that popped up on my own radar. I mention this because, if someone’s tastes are like mine, I want to encourage continuing with this one because once the story kicked into gear for me, I just got swept away in it, I kept reading and reading because I wanted to know where it was going. Once Obi-Wan and Anakin started interacting regularly, once the attraction between them was unable to be ignored (even if it took awhile for some resolution), and once the main mystery of the story got underway (which I would say was about halfway through when I read this fic), it became a really well-plotted and paced story.   The fic does so many things that I really love about it, right down to the language has shades of something like poetry but the author makes it work, it never had me doing that, “wtf does that even mean” feeling, but instead… oh, like when they finally have time to be together, when they have just enough space to breathe for it and there’s a line that really struck me: Obi-Wan only drove in harder and faster, a shooting star in free-fall along its own doomed line toward earth until it flashed and burnt itself out in its own flare of beautiful white heat inside the velvet night of Anakin’s body. What might have been too flowery in another fic, I really loved this line, I love that it was highlighted their relationship, how passionate this Obi-Wan was about Anakin, how desperate Anakin is to clutch at something, to have Obi-Wan in him, as a steadying presence and to fill him up, that that’s both a culmination of the long attraction between them and shows how their relationship works here. Because this isn’t canon, but it still has so many elements of it, the way they care about other people (especially Anakin and Ahsoka’s relationship has several meaningful scenes, it’s very much an important part of Anakin’s character), but they revolve around each other, Anakin still needs Obi-Wan like that.   The reveals take awhile to happen, but they’re worth waiting for, because they’re satisfying and so interesting, the slow pealing back of the layers and hints, until we finally get proper flashbacks and you understand how the characters came to where they were. The author knows how to pace a story, how to write something long without feeling like it was dragged out, that it takes its time, but it’s not padded to hell and back, and that kind of solidity is incredibly appreciated. It’s one of those fics that just feels… smooth and solid, one of those that’s satisfying to have such a long fic that knows where it’s going and you can feel that even from the beginning, whether or not it grows some here and there or expands in a few unexpected places, it keeps on topic and is paced just right for me. And, of course, I enjoy so much the way Obi-Wan and Anakin are slowly coming together here, that it’s a long path for them to take, but each step forward is sure-footed and will get there. ✦ The Warp and the Weft by FireflyFish, lilyconrad, obi-wan & anakin & rey & cast, 3.2k wip    Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet the Force. “We are all a part of the great Cosmic Force and whether we like it or not, when called, we must answer. Even if we’re dead, Anakin.”    One of the things that leaves me feeling disconnected from TFA fandom is the lack of connection to the origins of everything that happened–I’m a PT fan largely, so especially Anakin’s role in things is what I’m here for. By which I mean, a fic where Obi-Wan and Anakin find themselves rebodied in familiar people from TFA and it’s hilarious already. It’s definitely cracky, but it embraces that and it makes it all the more fun! It’s mostly set-up for right now, but there’s some fun payoff when each of them(/the reader) realizes just who they’ve been rebodied as. I’ll definitely pick this one up again as soon as it has a new chapter! ✦ Coda by lilyconrad, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, modern au, 60k wip    Anakin is an up-and-coming first soloist for the New York City Ballet Company, a brash, confident dancer with a smoldering sensuality to his technique and an electric smile that makes fangirl toes curl and quite possibly his choreographer’s.    Chapters 1-3: A ballet AU is not something I thought I would be that interested in, but I’ve enjoyed the author’s other fic, so, sure, why not. And I promptly got sucked in like you wouldn’t believe! It helped that the fic started out with Anakin sitting on Obi-Wan’s lap while jerking the both of them off (well, not right off, there’s set-up first!), but I think I would have fallen for the fic even without that, because it’s everything I really enjoy about human AUs in this fandom–the characters are easy to picture in these circumstances, there’s some gorgeous clothes, there’s something so sharp and charismatic about the writing, and the attraction between these two characters is wild. It reaches that part of me that feels these two characters would find each other in every universe and would be wildly attracted to each other in all of them, but it also reaches the part of me that’s super into well done AUs, where Anakin as a dancer works surprisingly well and Obi-Wan as a choreographer is just as good. It helps that the fic feels like it knows where it’s going, that it has a solid outline, and, okay, sure, it’s only three chapters so far, but it feels like 12 chapters will be just the right length for it and I’m so eager to see where it goes, where the relationship between these two will go. Because they have a legitimate reason to stay apart from each other, to not date, but it’s not like that’s going to last terribly long, not with the attraction between them! And it’s just… also a really good combination of low-key drama and fluff, so it’s not sugary sweet, but it’s not heartbreaking either, and I really, really enjoy that combination in these chapters! And it has such lovely descriptions of Anakin’s dancing, of course he’d be a beautiful dancer, all that grace and passion! There’s such a solidity to the fic and it has such great little details (the bit with the wine in chapter 3 was lovely) and… there was a comment the author made, that this is a fic that’s an echo of their personalities, rather than the circumstances of their canon lives and I think that’s what I’ve been trying to put into words, that it’s a fluffy fic and I love that, but I feel like it’s that one world where they got a nice life together and I WANT THAT FOR THEM. ♥    Chapter 4: This is an update rec and will focus on this chapter rather than the fic as a whole. Ahhh, I continue to love this story, it’s a little bit more angsty in this chapter, but in general it’s not a heartbreaker of a story, and I’m just really enjoying the chance to have something kinder and softer for once in their multitude of lives across various incarnations and fics. I also really enjoyed the interaction between Anakin and Sabe in this chapter, so often the other characters can just feel like talking heads or only there to be mouthpieces, but I felt Sabe had a real charm to her, a sparkle that I can’t put my finger on specifics, but I certainly felt it, and it was just really nice to read something that didn’t feel like it was trying too hard, like there’s this… really warm, natural, easy charm to everything, including their adorable scene together! But also the sheer amount of attraction between Obi-Wan and Anakin, the grace in both characters, slightly different but there with both of them, which reminds me of the canon and how they’re both physically gifted there as well, but in a different way from that, yet works for me here. The way Anakin is drawn to him, the way they movetogether, oh, that all went straight to my shippy heart, just as much as Anakin getting on his knees and blowing Ben and I love that they try to stay away from each other but, oh, that never lasted long and it doesn’t have to be shocking or a major reveal to be thoroughly engaging and charming a read!    Chapter 5: This is an update rec, so it will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. Ahhhh, this chapter was really… well, I hesitate to say “fun” because it was full of some questionable stuff (deliberately so, of course) but it really actually was sort of fun, to see Anakin’s stalker pop up and to see how Obi-Wan dealt with him. Sometimes, because we mostly see Obi-Wan interacting with Anakin or Ahsoka or clones or other Jedi, whom he’s either very fond of or has respect for, it’s easy to forget how dangerous that guy is, to forget how lethal and terrifying he is. So, a chapter dedicated to Obi-Wan fucking up the stalker’s life? To just beating him down without touching him, in a way that still felt physically threatening? That was really, really satisfying. And it was really well written, too! The physical aspects of the scene were never quite stepping over the line, but I very much felt that danger the entire time, it was not at all hard to half-imagine how it might have gone, that uneasy sense of looming physical violence was portrayed incredibly well!   Yet at the same time, this is still Obi-Wan, who can be so kind, who Anakin trusts completely, who has my heart as well, because I love him so much. The parts around the major confrontation in the fic are just as wonderful–Anakin’s reactions to everything, there’s just such a magnetic sort of chemistry between him and Obi-Wan, a delightful cameo from Rex, and Anakin straight up lying about behaving himself. Between the satisfying badass Obi-Wan scenes to protect Anakin, to solve his problem for him, because Obi-Wan always solves Anakin’s problems, and all the other stuff, this was an absolutely delightful, engaging chapter to read!    Chapter 6-9: This is an update rec and will focus on these chapters, rather than the fic as a whole. It’s been awhile since I sat down to write a proper rec for this fic, but let me absolutely fix that now, because I really love this story and I have a lot of feelings about it and I can’t believe the story is at over 50k now and yet it’s still perfectly paced and wonderful. Chapter 6 is the one I’d been waiting for for ages, of course, where we finally get to the Good Stuff and, oh, it was lovely and warm-hearted and satisfying for the two of them coming together, that it’d taken ages, but it was worth the wait because there was such love here. It’s not a totally, 100% fluffy fic, there’s a lot of angst in both their pasts and their futures, of course, because chapter 6 is just barely past the halfway point, but there’s so much care and connection here, that it’s a universe where they cantell each other things, that they’ve been nudged into the right direction for it and given the chance and it’s so, so satisfying to see them actually telling each other about their personal issues. It soothes something in me to read fic like this! But, well, also sexy times! The way Ben is so gentle and slow with pushing into Anakin finally, Anakin so needy and desperate for him, and they come together in this warm, kind way, Anakin holding himself up and open for Ben, having all that love and attention poured onto and into him, like they were meant to be drawn together just like this. It’s such a lovely scene, that it’s eager and hungry with both of them, but also soft and full of love, exactly what this modern AU called for. And the writing has such lovely, pretty imagery as well, there’s something beautiful about it, in a way that evokes such clear images in my mind, like fanart come to live in my head, and I love it for that, too. (The line about a hundred worlds and lives together, the line about Anakin’s tanned fingers against the black wood of the headboard, the way Anakin’s arms and legs wrap around Ben, so many pretty images!)    But sometimes it’s little things as well! Chapter 7 starts with a warm, sleepy morning after, just complete and utter domesticity that works so well because Anakin is so in love, of course he’s in love, this is completely Anakin Skywalker and how could Ben not love him back in the same way? There’s something so cozy and intimate in these scenes, it’s so easy to see why Anakin falls so hard and fast (as well as Ben falls in love with him, because, oh, it’s Anakin, how could anyone not?), that they have this incredible thing for awhile, that life is wonderful and good and kind. I love that the chapter has so many fun scenes, with just the two of them or with their friends, out in a park where they can just be. Having those moments builds up the relationship, in addition to just being fun to read because, goddammit, they deserve happiness sometimes! You know it can’t last, not forever, but it’s so good while they have it! Talking about dream roles while lounging on each other and having a picnic in the park? With another author I might have found it too sappy, but Lily’s writing works for me, it’s soft and kind here, but it embraces the premise and appeals and is just really well-done! And chapter 8 is more warmth and connection, where we get more of Ben’s past, where it’s this really wonderful scene of trust and feeling able to tell the other person about themselves, showing a universe where they can have this and can do this, which I would love the fic for by itself.    But I can’t lie, I knew chapter 9 was coming and I kind of ate it up like delicious candy–not the least because it starts out with this lazy morning, where Anakin has been working himself over and open, so when Ben slowly wakes up, Anakin is ready to slide a leg over him and ride him slowly and deliciously, this utterly warm scene that’s almost decadant in how rich and beautiful it felt to me. Perhaps I’m just weak to the elements of the fic, god knows it’s hitting my id pretty spot on, but I really think there’s a magic here, a charisma and charm that the author has in spades and makes their writing so very good! Of course, the kindness can’t last and shit has to hit the fan and it’s, oh, it’s so Anakin in how he reacts, how viciously he lashes out, how cutting he can be in his anger and fear and despair, that all the good things previous to this are very much Anakin Skywalker, but so too is him losing his shit and shredding everything he can that’s between them because he can’t stop himself.    It might have seemed gratuitous in another fic, but between the set-up and the writing and how it felt destined to go here from pretty much the beginning, I actually kind of really loved it. I mean, my heart hurts for both the characters and there’s such angst and you know it’ll take awhile to fix, but it’s true to the fic and it’s beautifully done and it gave me feelings! It’s one of those things where… it’s cruel and such a terrible wound, but there’s something beautiful about all of it. This really is a gorgeous fic.    Chapter 10-12: I meant to make these three chapters last a bit, once I started catching up, but I just couldn’t, I read all of them in one sitting because I couldn’t put it down and it was probably the better choice because these three chapters make for an incredibly satisfying arc-within-the-greater-story and where I’m left off is a really good place. By this point, I think there will be some spoilers in the rec (which I usually try to balance with “this is why I think someone who hasn’t read this fic should read this fic!” vagueness), but you can read the above recs still if you’re trying to decide whether you want to read it or not, if that’s helpful to you. But also I think, given the pacing and overall track the fic took, that a breakup was coming at some point, so I wasn’t really surprised by it and while I absolutely had a lot of feelings about it (especially Anakin lashing out in anger because he’s such an emotional storm that gets out of control), I think I was more affected by the aftermath of it in chapter 10. The dull, heavy, ache in my chest that I remember from when I’m upset or depressed, that sense of the world having all the color leeched out of it, just the sense of being sad was really well done there, after Anakin realizes how much he’s fucked up and how much Ben blames himself for how things ended between them, that he felt it was his fault somehow. And that was a heartbreaking echo of canon, that Obi-Wan holds himself responsible for things that could not possibly be his fault, because he thinks he should do everything perfectly the first time, and because he loves Anakin so much, because he’s so protective of this person he sees vulnerability in and cares so much for him, like that spirit is very much one I recognized from canon events.    But I love that it doesn’t go too overboard with it, it’s clear that Obi-Wan is actually depressed and in a modern AU he’s on anti-depressants for it, yet chapters 11 and 12 are about doing the hard work of actually working through things. (And this is one of the rare fics where Obi-Wan being depressed is done well for me!) That Anakin is so incredibly sorry about what he’s done, that Ben is hurt by Anakin’s words, but sets them aside because he’s such an incredibly caring person, but also he won’t just forget them, either. They both have to workto communicate, but it won’t just instantly be solved, because Obi-Wan Kenobi simply is a reserved person, as some people are, and while he’ll work to better communicate with Anakin, he’ll never be naturally effusive and that’s something that needs to be accepted, just as Anakin is naturally demonstrative and he has to learn to trust better and not fly out of control so much, but that his emotional storms being so close to the surface is just as valid a way to be as Obi-Wan’s reserved nature. That they find ways to connect and understand each other even knowing those things about each other!    Which is why the little details of this story are so wonderful, because they’re all about that showing-rather-than-telling, especially when it comes to Ben’s character. The use of his drawings, what they mean and what they say about him, that’s beautifully done, it has weight because that’s the sort of understated but entirely genuinely meant gesture Obi-Wan would do. Or the ways they touch each other, the touch to Anakin’s face or Anakin curling up on his leg to rest after a hard day’s exercise, these things aren’t just pretty images (though, they are that, too) but they have such charisma to them because they mean something, they’re all about the state of the relationship the characters are in and where they’re at with each other and how they’re this lovely quiet intimacy! This is why the fic is so good about showing the passion between them, why it’s a lovely extention of Ben’s passion that’s always been there when they do finally come back to each other, when they can touch and love each other again, and he practically shoves Anakin onto the bed to fuck him, nearly overwhelming Anakin, who is filled up with everything in that moment, just as he wants to be. I think I loved that image as much as I loved the kiss in the rain, that they agreed to try again (and, oh, my heart had been so invested in that moment, too) and they shared a beautifully passionate intimate moment where the rest of the world wasn’t even there anymore. The fic really does a beautiful job with that, with how everything else just fades into the background when these two are together, whether they’re lounging in bed together or on the sofa or fucking or kissing in the rain, it’s just beautifully crafted intimacy.    It’s a fic that’s very much about softer edges (even with the breakup, I would still classify this as being more of a fluff fic than anything), this is a universe where they have so much more breathing room, so that when the internal issues between them (versus the external issues in canon, like the war and Palpatine) come up, they have the space and time and kindness of this softer universe to work through them. That we get to see them struggle through an awkward conversation about what they each need from the other, which they can do because they’re not being pressured from every angle, but instead can see the road through this problem and so they start to walk it. It’s a fic about a kinder universe for the characters, a fic about their relationship, and that’s probably not going to be for everyone, it’s definitely a shipper fic, but it’s such a good one, it engaged me from the very beginning and I haven’t let up with that joy in every page I read for a moment. And, oh, it has such pretty, pretty imagery! Kisses in the rain! Warm, loving, intimate sex during their first time! Finally coming back together after months apart and Ben holding Anakin down against the mattress to fuck him, that Anakin is his again, finally, as he should be, that Anakin soaks all of this up and all the other noise is pushed out of his head. It’s a fic about loveand how its course does not always run smooth, but it can still find a way.    Chapter 13: This is an update rec and will focus on this chapter, rather than the fic as a whole. When doing update recs, I do generally try to keep the spoilers to a minimum, in case someone’s just joining me at this point or has picked a fic up for the first time, but as a fic gets towards the end (and I want to talk about specific things–even as I keep the truly spoilery stuff to a minimum!) that gets harder. So, if you’re interested, I would say check out the recs on this post instead! Because, oh, I had feelings about this chapter and how well it’s continuing the pacing of everything that’s come before–yes, there are things that come up that are angsty, but they’re ones that have been in the DNA of the story from the very beginning, so instead of feeling like they were thrown in for the sake of drama or to drag things out, rather I feel like, yes, this is the stuff I am here for! Give me all the break-ups and getting back together and the impossible situations they find themselves in because their lives have been so different and only temporarily connected to each other from the very set-up of the story! That eventually their time would be up and they’d have to move on, but it would pull them in different directions and, hell yeah, I ate it up like delicious candy. Partly because the fic has given me every impression that it’s going to be a happy ending, but also because it’s just the really fun, satisfying kind of angst! And that it doesn’t shortchange the softer, happier moments they have together, the teasing and playful moments they have together, the quiet intimacy and domesticity that they’ve earned, that they had to work very hard to create this space for themselves and so they work to keep it, rather than just that these characters would slide naturally into easy fluff. (Not that I’d have minded that, either.)    But the other thing I loved is, oh, Anakin, who so desperately loves Ben that, even when he’s in a better place, it kind of overrides everything else for him, he gets kind of obsessive even now (as of course he would), that there’s this clawing feeling to the character, the desperation that something will slip away from him, and he’s so, so determined to not let it happen, it starts to eat at him again. Not like before, he’s making such emotional progress and that further contributes to the feeling of something right here, but it’ll probably always be there in some degree, that the fic gets just the right balance of. And that, of course, Anakin gets such emotional comfort from the physical touch, so it’s only one or two lines, of Ben having bent him over the counter to fuck at least some of the noise out of his head, yet it was enough to put stars in my eyes because it was a lovely image and because it’s so true to Anakin’s character, what he wants and needs. The whole chapter is just the right amount of sweet and something bitter that aches and it’s such a perfectly poised penultimate chapter that, whatever happens in the end, I know this will have been such a beautiful, lovely ride.

On a different note to 12x16, do you have any thoughts/meta on spn + virgin shaming? It's the one thing that I really, really despise about the show 😩

Yeah, it does bother me that it’s persistently an easy target. Also the 3 big moments I can think of? 3x12, 5x12 and 9x08? written by women. 3 separate women as well (Sera Gamble, Julie Seige, Jenny Klein - the last one of which had some really nasty stuff about women in general, like some implications about one of the larger women stealing food, or general cattiness among that church group…)

In a weird way, “Like a Virgin” by Adam Glass was the LEAST weird about virgins and written by a man, although one who always seemed aware that he should at least try not to be a dick about women, though I always thought it was kind of with mixed results with execution (e.g. I watched 8x18 today and I still think the guy in that group of kids is a grade A creep, and Josephine and Krissy are plenty dismissive of him and his behaviour in the start, but nothing is made of him going through Krissy’s phone for evidence of a boyfriend, there’s the whole teasing her that she liked kissing him while playing bait (and the fact they DID that) so Josephine telling him he’ll get nowhere with Krissy with bad pick up lines or whatever totally misses the point even while the writing seemed aware he was a creep and going about it all wrong, and of course at the end it’s that sort of assumption they’ll get together, and the warning Dean won’t kill him for Krissy she’ll do it herself, which is the sort of old school feminist victory in writing female characters, not the one these days that would actually seem progressive by addressing all the issues that make him a creep instead of handwaving it all with “yay girl power she can look after herself” - I mean she CAN but the writing doesn’t really do anything to admonish the guy being a creep or open up a good discussion on what to do about it, you know? Anyway. Massive diversion. Literally just watched that episode in the last few hours. Pet peeve about male writers in general typified there :P) - I mean same deal, with his virgin episode, that it still makes a big deal out of the women being virgins, I think that’s the one where Dean reads the girl’s diary talking about her “special gift” and so on… Also reminds me in 5x14 Edlund had the couple in the cold open where I think it was implied the girl was a virgin and had been saving herself for the right person, although in that case everything else was so fucked up I don’t think there was time to get too judgy about that, when she and her boyfriend ate each other :P

Anyway at least that episode they were just incidentally virgins and that had to be established somehow or other, but all things considered it didn’t get weird or police them or whatever.

In 3x11 I think the Nancy thing that bothered me the most was that after all her strength and generally not being presented SO badly in the main drama, that rooftop scene, she’s like “I’m having so much sex after this is all over” despite the fact it seemed like she’d had a huge religious experience with discovering demons existed, and she’d been on a really interesting personal journey with that great speech about believing in demons and all, but then that’s really her last character beat except for I guess she’s around for the wrap up at the end for the winchesters, and being killed by Lilith - so it seems her conclusion from all that is just “wow being a virgin means now I know I could be sacrificed at any moment for a spell, better give up waiting for whatever important personal and probably religious reasons I’d remained a virgin and just, like, indulge in casual sex now” - it was just… weird. I don’t think her faith broke at all in that episode about other things? Like, she even volunteered to be sacrificed because she felt it was the right thing to do to save everyone; unless the Winchesters trying a different way where no one sacrificed any virgins, suddenly made her contextualise her whole life that it was a meaningless concept anyway (despite clearly being important if it was used in such a spell) and realise she could try to live her life another way without this ritualistic saving herself… 

I don’t know, it’s just… that’s her big take away from everything, it seems. Being a virgin sucks, better have sex so I don’t get sacrificed, and once I do that, it’s not just hurrying up to find Mr Right and not being scared to hook up instead of waiting for marriage or some other safe compromise, it’s like there’s this dam between being a virgin and having ALL the sex.

And in Swap Meat, Gary is basically implied to have done all the witchcraft because he’s a bored frustrated virgin, and if the pretty girl had just hooked up with him, she “wasn’t into witchcraft, she’s into you” or whatever Sam said - like, sex cures satanism and would turn Gary into a well-rounded person. With the bonus creepy non-con that he goes and uses Sam’s body to get laid.

And overlooking the fact they’re HIGH SCHOOL students, like… I’m just saying, he’s probably not the only virgin in his year group and some of them would be generically attractive and popular students - and Gary is just unfortunate enough to look like the sort of kid no one would ever believe had sex at his larval stage of development where a mixture of puberty and allergies have been unkind to him… Maybe the others haven’t either but people don’t look at them and just assume they’re a virgin, because it’s got connotations of being undesirable and a loser in this context.

(It’s especially disappointing Sam says it there - again, it seems weirdly out of character like preconceptions about virgins and assumptions about it just immediately derail characterisation… I just don’t think Sam would judge, and also honestly probably between being an outcast and feeling cursed since forever and the total lack of privacy and apparently Dean hooking up with his prom date… who knows when Sam lost his virginity but I’d bet he made it most of the way through school at least >.> And he kept his virginity pledge from 9x08, accidentally maybe, for years…)

Also 9x08 is a trainwreck when it comes to this and. Ugh. :P Maybe 6x12 just seems good because this is the comparison about when an episode isn’t just incidentally about virgins, but explores it - all these horny but determinedly chaste women immediately breaking into a sweat around Dean, made out to be unattractive or frumpy in various ways to suggest maybe they’re virgins because they wouldn’t get any anyway, except for the retired porn star wearing a hoodie to make herself look more drab… Jody, who we look to, just laughs it off about promises she can’t keep when asked if she’d do it, which is great Jody characterisation but then at the expense of making it clear all these other women are going about it all wrong; they’re unhappy and breaking their oaths because they all secretly want sex (except the slightly-larger-than-TV-skinny woman who just wants to steal cake) and then the goddess complains about how they’re all tainted and impure, because in this universe, virginity is an actual state of purity of the body, with strong magical properties. And then Jody kills her because she’s, I guess, spiritually pure somehow, despite happily admitting she’d have sex and wants to, which makes it basically nothing to do with virginity, like it’s always been a false way to be spiritually clean - like was Nancy only a useful virgin for the spell because she was religious as well? Gary was a little shit of a satanist but he was a virgin - if they’d had him in the police station, would Ruby’s spell have worked?? Maybe not! Who knows!!

Anyway it’s messed up and I am nowhere near qualified in like, whatever sort of sociology and other stuff you need to have to discuss this in a wider context, so I’ll just express general horror that I always pull a face when the show mentions virginity because it’s just such a MESS and unkind and despite the fact everyone is a virgin to start with and it’s a silly social construct and many people are virgins longer than the expected social average (which is shockingly low, and, dude, we had great sex ed in my school and I still don’t think I was REALLY ready when I was at university as a supposedly grown up adult living my life so I can’t imagine how terrible teenage fumbling is except I see it described with that word so often it can’t be a worthwhile experience except for, well, the bragging right to say you’re not a virgin :P) and it’s all so pointless to judge anyone for this??? It’s still such a common thing I don’t think people even realise just how pointless and unkind it is, that it’s just a part of human behaviour and it seems weirdly normal to treat virgins like they’re weird or magical or whatever. 

OH WAIT I nearly rounded this off before I remembered Cas and various escapades relating to his virginity and… you know what it’s 2am, I’m just going to make a face and post this :P 

‘Cheap Swag’: How the Promo Industry Is Fighting a Decades-Old Perception Problem That Just Won’t Quit

— This article was originally published in PromoMarketing Magazine

The promotional products industry has come a long way from the days of cheap giveaways, the proverbial “trinkets and trash.” The best companies have put the focus on value, quality and responsible sourcing, helping the industry to a record-breaking $23.3 billion in 2017 revenue.

So why can’t it shake the nagging perception that it sells mostly cheap swag—and why does it matter?

by Sean Norris January 24, 2019

On Friday, Nov. 2, 2018, Fast Company published an article titled “It’s time to stop spending billions on cheap conference swag.” The thesis was right there in the headline, direct and unambiguous. But the page title—the one that appears on your browser tab and in some Google search results—was even more unforgiving: “The $24B promotional products industry is an environmental nightmare.”

You can probably guess how the rest of the article went, but here’s the gist. The promo industry produces a lot of cheap, disposable goods, many of them overseas. Brands buy a ton of these items, slap their logos on them and hand them out at conferences. Attendees leave with bags full of junk they don’t want, and throw most of it away. With the planet on the brink of an ecological crisis and consumers (especially younger ones) increasingly drawn to experiences over stuff, brands should seriously consider alternatives to promotional products.

Or, more succinctly: “We could get rid of cheap swag altogether.”

It wasn’t exactly a flattering portrayal of the industry. And, needless to say, it didn’t just strike a chord in promo circles—it was like an entire orchestra blaring at once. PPAI issued a response within hours, addressing criticisms of the industry’s environmental footprint and challenging the assertion that people toss most promos they receive. A widely shared post from commonsku more or less agreed that the industry has some work to do, while pointing to the progress it has made and arguing that a particular passage in the article inadvertently proved how effective promotional products are. (More on that later.) Other industry voices contended that, actually, promotional products do work, and people love them, and nothing to see here.

It was encouraging to see such a swift, concerted response from industry leaders. And it was even more encouraging to see the article spark serious conversation and thoughtful self-reflection. Commonsku’s post, in particular, caught the attention of Elizabeth Segran, author of the Fast Company piece. “Read this with great interest,” Segran said in a Twitter reply to the post. “Thanks for writing it.”

It seemed like a relatively happy ending to what was unequivocally a bad look for the promotional products industry. Damage control was done. Civil discourse was had. And, in what may have been a first for Twitter, nuance was acknowledged and—it sounds crazy, I know—even appreciated. The industry acquitted itself well, and came out looking better for it. Mission accomplished. Crisis averted. Or was it?

When I talk to Segran a few days later, via email, the buzz surrounding the article has mostly died down in promo circles. But I want to know if the industry response had changed her mind, if the volley of statistics and counterpoints made her think differently about promotional products. It hadn’t—not really, anyway. She agreed that certain branded merchandise, the kind people seek out and pay for, wasn’t necessarily in the same class as the piles of stuff foisted upon people in convention 
halls. And she acknowledged that the small-but-growing number of companies producing sustainably and ethically sourced promotional products was a “good intermediate step.” But, for the most part, she stood firm.

“I actually do think that the broader promotional products industry is problematic—not just conference swag,” Segran tells me. “In the midst of the current environmental crisis, I think that producing products whose ultimate utility is not functionality, but to serve as a canvas for a brand to improve its recognition is not a great use of resources. There are so many creative, non-wasteful ways to communicate today, especially on social media. And of course, since utility is not the ultimate goal of these products—since they are ultimately just billboards—they are often made cheaply, which makes them somewhat disposable. I still think there are far better ways to develop brand recognition and loyalty that aren’t as destructive to the earth.”

Segran’s not some college freshman with a Tumblr blog and a bunch of blind idealism. She’s written extensively about fast fashion and its social and environmental impacts. She’s been published in The Atlantic, Foreign Policy, The Nation, The New Republic and more. She’s got a Ph.D. from UC Berkeley. She knows her shit. And, more importantly, she’s the voice of the modern consumer. Writing her opinion off as an outlier would be a bad idea. Shrugging and forgetting about it would be worse. Do either, and you’ll only end up with more articles like hers, more people nodding in agreement as they read along. Her viewpoints on sustainability might have been extreme 10 years ago. Now, they’re commonplace.

And, besides, to ignore the criticism would be to ignore the bigger challenge for the promo industry, one that the responses and reactions and discussions in the aftermath of Segran’s article hinted at but never quite hit on: Despite the best efforts of a handful of forward-thinking companies, organizations and individuals, the perception that promotional products are mostly cheap novelty stuff—the proverbial trinkets and trash—is alive and well. And, more than that, it’s a perception rooted in reality.

“The industry is nowhere near close to doing enough,” Tim Brown, MAS, executive director of Quality Certification Alliance, the industry corporate social responsibility accreditation organization, tells me. “Moreover, in some cases, it is a reality, not a perception. The industry trade association and other organizations such as ours are continuously shouting the message of value and responsible sourcing. Yet, no matter 
what industry representatives—the trade association and others—do, ultimately it is up to industry practitioners to own it, which to this point only a select few truly do.”

The question is, how do you get 23,000-plus promo businesses to own it—and what happens if you can’t?

Let’s talk supply and demand for a minute. I know, I know—economics 101. But, really, that’s where this all starts. The stuff Segran and Brown are talking about up there? None of that is unique to promotional products. It’s more indicative of the general state of consumerism today. “The idea of ‘wastefulness’ and ‘cheap junk’ is a thought that is completely independent of the promotional industry,” says RJ Hagel, marketing manager for Goldstar, the supplier based in San Diego. “U.S. consumers as a whole tend to invest their dollars into the quantity of products at scale instead of quality products that offer longevity and are made in socially responsible environments.”

He’s not wrong. Just look at fast fashion. That industry revolutionized consumer apparel by optimizing the supply chain, cranking out an ever-rotating assortment of cheaply made T-shirts and spaghetti tanks, and selling ’em for $2 a pop. Its success—H&M made $22.7 billion in 2018, Zara $23.3 billion—was no accident. By and large, consumers have shown they want cheap, mass-produced stuff, and companies have been more than willing to provide it. This has been going on for a while. It’s how we ended up with Walmart and Amazon. It’s how we got five Michael Bay “Transformers” movies.

All of that extends to the promo industry. For every person who prefers a free massage or some other experience, as Segran suggests in her article, there are 10 more shoving piles of stuff into their convention tote or rolling suitcase. For every brand that pays to work with an accomplished distributor on a smart, targeted promotional campaign using responsibly sourced products from a reputable supplier, there are 10 more happy to order a bunch of cheap items from who-knows-where on the internet. So, yeah, brands and consumers aren’t off the hook here. It starts with them.

“The fact is that the waste and product quality is typically driven by the brands and consumers that have commoditized the medium,” Brown tells me. “Far too often, brands seek to do nothing more than provide a giveaway, at the lowest price they can, without giving any thought to how it ties into their marketing message, or how effective it may or may not be for a given promotion. By focusing on price and quantity—instead of value-added messaging, advertising effectiveness, client or prospect satisfaction and value, usefulness and even desirability of the product—brands and consumers are getting what they are asking for. The industry is merely responding to their demands.”

And who could blame it? Right now, promo business is booming. In 2017, total industry revenues reached $23.3 billion, the highest sales volume in 18 years. Revenue increased 9.31 percent over the prior year. Overall sales have risen for eight years straight. But how long will it last? The fast fashion industry is already showing some cracks. H&M is still a global powerhouse, but in 2018 its profits dipped to their lowest level in 16 years. It opened 390 new stores last year, but closed 170, the most since 1998. According to Bloomberg, that’s a 44 percent ratio of closures to new stores—up from 19 percent in 2017 and significantly higher than its 12 percent average between 1999 and 2017. Forever 21, another fast-fashion retailer, saw its revenue decline by 15 percent in 2017.

H&M, one of the world’s largest fast fashion retailers, has faced growing criticism over corporate social responsibility issues, mostly due to its environmental impacts and working conditions. In 2018, the company’s profits were its lowest in 16 years. Here, graffiti on a wall in London, England takes aim at the retailer. Photo: Getty Images by Chris J Ratcliffe

  Those are retail examples, sure, and it’s impossible to pin them on any single factor. H&M’s sales could just be leveling off after years of massive, unsustainable growth. Or maybe Amazon, as it aggressively expands into apparel, is cutting further into brick-and-mortar fashion retailers’ profits. But there’s mounting evidence that shifting consumer preferences are driving at least some of these changes. H&M and other fast-fashion retailers have faced growing criticism over factory conditions and 
environmental impacts. Victoria’s Secret is a mess right now, in part because customers didn’t take well to its recent shift toward fast fashion, but also because younger customers realized that the company’s overall message about beauty and body positivity is not, in fact, very woke.

We’ve known for some time now that consumers increasingly want to buy from brands whose values match their own. Millennials may be broke, but 73 percent of them say they’re willing to pay more for sustainably sourced products. More than ever, people are holding brands accountable. Slowly but surely, demand is shifting. This is a point of emphasis for Segran, and it’s why she took to Fast Company to write about it. “Millennial and Gen-Z consumers are far more socially conscious than generations that came before,” she tells me. “Every week there are more stories about the devastating impact of climate change on our lives. Do brands really want to be contributing to the problem?”

And, like it or not, the promo industry is contributing to the problem. Nearly everyone I interviewed for this story agreed on that, even if they took issue with some of Segran’s other points. Here’s Taek Sung, senior vice president of sales and marketing for iClick, Seattle: “Yes, companies want environmentally friendly, but they may not want to pay for it. When your clients choose only on price, it’s pretty cutthroat out there. I wish I could say product testing wasn’t required in our business, but competition breeds people looking for an edge.” Here’s Jordy Gamson, CEO of The Icebox-Cool Stuff, Atlanta: “The writer does make valid points that many lower trade show giveaway products could very well end up being discarded, since many of those items are at the bottom of the food chain as far as what our industry has to offer. You can only get so much for 50 cents to $1.00 per item.” Here’s Natasha Rawls, sales rep for Sourcepoint by Proforma, Kansas City, Mo.: “There are strategies suppliers and distributors use to grow their business, and ship quickly to meet deadlines. Price is a determining factor for many clients, and some do 
compete online to sell at rock-bottom prices.”

About that last point: In its 2017 Sales Volume Study, PPAI reported that online sales grew by 28.1 percent, to $5.3 billion, accounting for nearly a quarter of total promotional products industry revenue. Sales from non-industry providers—companies not listed with PPAI or other industry organizations—grew by 20 percent, to $3.4 billion. There are plenty of good, reputable distributors and suppliers contributing to those figures. But some percentage of those online sales and non-industry sales, many of which are also online, are buyers blindly picking a bunch of products from a website. I can hop on Alibaba right now and order 5,000 custom logo pens for 4 cents apiece. They might be from a vetted, accredited factory. Or they might not be. Most people buying on Alibaba probably won’t look, and they’re definitely not working with a distributor. Even when a distributor is involved, the transactional nature of online sales means they often skip the effective but expensive consultative process that leads to most successful promotions. “This is part of the reason that online promo distributors are flourishing,” says Brown. “Buyers believe that they can just pick something out to give away.”

“Promotional specialty advertising is not a do-it-yourself activity,” Gregg Emmer, vice president and chief marketing officer for Kaeser & Blair Inc., the distributor based in Batavia, Ohio, tells me. “People that simply buy specialty items on their own make several serious mistakes. The most critical is that there is no real understanding of what they want to accomplish, and their most important consideration is cost per unit. Next, if any attention is put on objective, it is based on the thought process of a producer, not a consumer. So the message is not usually as effective, or effective at all.”

That all adds up to a lot of products of questionable origin and purpose landing in consumers’ hands. Supply and demand. Factor in those shifting consumer preferences, and you’ve got a whole bunch of potential landmines hitting the marketplace.

Sometimes, they blow up.

Every week there are more stories about the devastating impact of climate change on our lives. Do brands really want to be contributing to the problem?

—Elizabeth Segran, Fast Company

It’s impossible to tell exactly how many people read the article in Fast Company, but we can ballpark it based on some publicly available information. SimilarWeb, a web traffic stats and analysis tool, lists Fast Company’s overall monthly site visits at 13.52 
million for November 2018. That’s not astronomical traffic compared to, say, Forbes, which got 112.64 million visitors in November, but it’s about the same as Entrepreneur (14.52 million) and in the neighborhood of Inc. (18.26 million). It’s enough to put Fast Company at No. 66 overall for news and media magazine sites worldwide, according to SimilarWeb. And, well, 13 million is a lot, no matter how you break it down.

Then there’s what we can infer from Google News. For weeks after it ran, the article was at or near the top of Google News results for the search terms “promotional products,” “swag,” “promo items,” “promo industry,” “conference swag” and more. Google has its news algorithm sealed up tighter than The Rock’s peanut butter jar, so nobody outside of Mountain View knows exactly how it determines what stories rank where. But we do know that traffic plays a central role in how the algorithm prioritizes news stories, making an article’s Google News ranking a rough indicator of its popularity. That tells us two things: One, enough people were reading Segran’s article that it maintained top status for weeks, and two, that led to a snowball effect, wherein anyone who searched “promotional products” or related terms was likely to see the story.

On social media, the article was met by enthusiastic retweets and shares, including one from Associations Now, which published its own article summarizing and endorsing the Fast Company piece, and one from MeetingsNet, which 
bills itself as “the meeting industry’s portal for decision-makers planning meetings, incentives and events.” Associations Now has 10,272 Twitter followers. MeetingsNet has 20,792. Fast Company, which also tweeted the article, has 2.32 million.

That, on its own, is a lot of negative exposure for the promo industry. But this isn’t the first or only time this has happened. There has been worse.

On Nov. 9, 2011, then-President Barack Obama signed Executive Order 13589, subtitled “Promoting Efficient Spending.” Aimed at “cutting waste in federal government spending and identifying opportunities to promote efficient and effective spending,” the order directed government agencies to trim budgets by 20 percent in a half-dozen different areas, including travel, technology, printing and car services. But it was Sec. 7. that got all the headlines: “Extraneous Promotional Items: Agencies should limit the purchase of promotional items (e.g., plaques, clothing, and commemorative items), in particular where they are not cost-effective.”

This was already a blow to the promo industry. Here was an entire vertical market, or at least a major subsection of one, suddenly slashing its promotional products budget in incredibly public fashion. But, somehow, it got worse still.

Here’s how CBS News covered it:

And here’s The Washington Post:

Politico:

The Hill:

And here’s how CBS covered it on The Early Show, its morning news broadcast at the time:

You get the idea. All anyone wanted to talk about was the swag. So the promo industry found itself plastered all over the news, the poster child for waste, the punch line to a joke. Did you hear the one about the White House M&Ms? The year before, California Governor Jerry Brown introduced a similar bill, upon which Obama’s executive order was based. Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin has made cutting “swag spending” a priority in her state budgets. Those stories grabbed similar, if 
not quite as national or bombastic, headlines.

All this is to say: These things happen on what feels like a routine basis. And when they do, a whole lot of people read them, or at least see them pop up while scrolling through their Twitter feeds. The internet is littered with articles like Fast Company’s. Forbes ran one in 2016. The Next Web, a site with 6.42 million monthly visitors, ran one in 2018. Los Angeles Magazine and The Weekly Standard each had one specifically on promotional totes. Even if only half, or a quarter, or an eighth of readers agree with these stories that promotional products are bad news, that’s too many. The people reading Associations Now and MeetingsNet aren’t just a bunch of random Facebook uncles (no offense to your uncle or mine). In some cases, they’re decision-makers, people with actual say in determining where and how their organizations spend their marketing budgets.

The frequency with which these things happen tells us a lot about how the public perceives promotional products. But there are two reactions, in particular, that highlight the real complexity of the challenge facing the industry.

First, there was a blog from The Washington Post, published two days after Obama signed Executive Order 13589, commenting on the action’s economic impact. “The swag cutback, unlike what the GOP styles as Obama’s ‘job-killing’ regulations, will have virtually no effect on American jobs,” author Al Kamen surmised. “That’s because most all of this stuff, even down to our official CIA baseball cap, is made in China.”

Then there was a report from Cause of Action, a nonprofit watchdog group that, in 2012, launched a six-month investigation into how government agencies adjusted their promotional products spending in accordance with Obama’s mandate. While the report was mostly critical, punctuated by itemized lists of agency expenditures on “hamburger yo-yos” and “USB flash drives shaped like police cars,” it praised a handful of government entities that had complied with the order. That section read:

Federal agencies have respected the mandate by refraining from purchasing items from high-end merchants, abstained from expensive customizations or optional additions to standard items, and by spending the fair market value for promotional items. For example, the Department of Justice (DOJ), Office of Community Oriented Policing Services (COPS) procured 1,500 lapel pins with their logo in red and blue for $2,448, just over $1.63 per pin. The agency had the option of purchasing different flashing lapel pins from The Promo Touch, a distributor often used by the GSA, the DOJ COPS and other federal agencies, for over $20 each. In another instance, the USDA FSIS purchased 500 twenty-ounce survival stainless steel sports water bottles for less than $6 per bottle from the Delaware Industries for the Blind, even though Delaware Industries for the Blind sold special thermal bottles, with agency logos, at a cost of nearly $30 per bottle.

Kamen’s assessment that a lot of promotional products are made in China is correct, but that’s about all he got right. He makes no mention of the 400,000 industry jobs, most of them in the U.S., that would absolutely be affected if a major vertical suddenly decided to reduce its promotional products budget. That’s because Kamen almost certainly wasn’t aware that those jobs even exist. It’s a fundamental misunderstanding of the promo industry’s structure and purpose. If a journalist for The Washington Post thinks the entire industry is just a bunch of stuff imported from China that magically appears in consumers’ hands, it’s a good bet the public thinks the same thing.

The Cause of Action report takes it a step further. It doesn’t just imply that promotional products are cheap. It outright argues that cheaper is better, that spending less on promotional products—rather than spending a bit more for what may be a more effective or better-quality product—is the optimal solution. It’s clear that Cause of Action doesn’t view the promotional products industry as a provider of effective marketing and advertising solutions, as the industry wants to be known, but 
as a purveyor of, well, hamburger yo-yos.

Companies and organizations are encouraged to spend less on promotional products, so they do. They buy cheap ones online and distribute them with no real strategy or plan. Consumers get stuff they don’t want or can’t use, and don’t 
really know where it came from. Someone writes an article about how wasteful the products are. Those same consumers agree that all they’re getting is crap. Companies and organizations are encouraged to spend less on promotional products. Repeat. So goes the cycle. It’s no wonder these articles keep coming up.

The promo industry has tried to combat this by emphasizing value. Show that the products work, the thinking goes, and you’ll win over critics—brands and consumers both—who still view them as trinkets and trash. Focus on quality. Give people stuff they’ll actually want and use. By and large, this approach has worked. When Jeremy Parker and Josh Orbach started Swag.com in 2016, they made it their business model. The New York City-based company, which has been the subject of profiles in Inc., TechCrunch and elsewhere, assembled in less than three years an impressive portfolio of clients that includes Google, Starbucks, Facebook and Netflix. Its tagline is “custom promo products that people actually want to keep.” The site curates its product selection, working with more than a hundred suppliers to select and offer the best items in each product category. That model, along with an extremely search-friendly name, has seen Swag.com grow revenue by 300 percent yearly.

The best promo companies figured this out a long time ago. The top distributors have been doing it for years. Paul Bellantone, president of PPAI, preaches it. “We have our Get In Touch! campaign, which is actually a multi-year, multi-million dollar program,” Bellantone tells me over the phone. “At the end of the day it’s an advocacy program. We’re advocating for the benefits of using promotional products, and then the benefits of working with trained professional promotional consultants. We’re advocating because we believe that the combination of those two—our industry with the right consultation—helps avoid that perception that we’re just cheap products.”

PPAI created Get In Touch! in 2016 as a way to raise the overall profile of the promo industry, to enhance its perception with consumers and, hopefully, increase the overall share of advertising dollars coming the industry’s way. As part of the campaign, PPAI places national ads, runs broadcast TV spots, created a free local marketing toolkit of downloadable materials for promo businesses—digital ads, gifs, logos and graphics, a buyer presentation—and increased its presence at Advertising Week. In 2013, the association launched Promotional Products Work! Week, a now annual celebration of the industry that also aims to get the message out about its value and purpose. It also has Product Safety Aware, “a larger PPAI initiative to create confidence in promotional products.” Bellantone, as the face of PPAI and, by extension, the promo industry, advocates for promotional products wherever possible. When Fast Company published its article, he had a reply up within hours.

“We talk directly to media buyers, and the agencies and corporations that are buying promotional products through our outreach—like with Advertising Week in New York, the interviews that I did with Ad Age, and our partnership with the American Marketing Association, our work with professors and students,” Bellantone says. “We’re talking about the viability of our industry. We also have our legislative events where we go to Washington, D.C., and we say, ‘We’re frustrated when you hold up a promotional product and tag us in that same sentence about waste, fraud and abuse when you talk about government expenditures. Because we can give you case-by-case analysis of where promotional products have moved programs forward faster and for less money than had you not used promotional products.’”

Indeed, there’s a large body of evidence that the products work. PPAI has a library of studies showing their recall rate, return on investment, cost per impression and other convincing statistics. In his response to Segran’s article, Bellantone listed a number of them. Everyone I talked to for this story has seen it firsthand. “What do people say when you give them something quality, something good? You say, ‘Thank you,’” Jeremy Parker, the Swag.com co-founder, tells me. “It’s really the only ad 
medium and marketing medium where somebody says, ‘Thank you’ after receiving it. So we know how powerful it can be, but 
it only really works if the quality is there.”

You still have something like 95 percent of our industry is really one- and two-person operations, at least on the distributor side, and their focus is really on their day-to-day survival of their business.

—Bill Mahre, president, ADG Promotional Products

Heck, even Segran has seen this. She’s lived it. In the intro to her story, she confessed that she once cancelled her subscription to The New Yorker just so she could re-subscribe and get another of the tote bags that come free with membership. Folks around the promo industry seized upon this passage. This right here is the reason brands buy and use promotional products, they said. Even the writer of this piece slamming our industry acknowledged how well our product works.

This isn’t wrong. And it certainly shows that not all swag is disposable junk that no one is asking for. But Segran going out of her way to snag a promotional tote doesn’t disprove her overall point. People would go out of their way for a free stack of hundred dollar bills, too. But if those bills all came from a bank robbery, well, you see the problem. Promotional products can be effective and still be wasteful. They can be well made and still get thrown away. They can be things people want and still not be things people really need. Value is only part of the story. For Segran and that growing segment of consumers focused on sustainability and ethical sourcing and other social issues, it’s no longer the most important part.

The industry has recognized that, too. Quality Certification Alliance was founded because of it. Nearly 30 suppliers, some of the largest in the industry, have completed QCA accreditation, a process that “requires the organization to analyze all of its manufacturing, compliance and responsible sourcing processes.” One of QCA’s five compliance areas specifically requires accredited companies to ensure that all products they import or manufacture meet environmental standards at all stages of the supply chain. Another area focuses on social responsibility. (After this article was published in our print magazine, QCA announced a restructured participation model that opens it up to more suppliers, distributors and end-buyers.) PPAI holds a yearly Product Responsibility Summit, which in 2018 saw more than 170 industry professionals gather to discuss “the pressing business implications, challenges and opportunities associated with compliance.” Some suppliers, like Fairware and Redwood Classics, were founded specifically with this in mind, and have baked it into their business model. Many suppliers offer eco-friendly products. Even 10 years ago, this stuff was barely a thought. Now, it’s coming along.

“I think of everything from our Green Pavilion at Expo to making environmental and social concerns one of the pillars of our product responsibility,” says Bellantone. “Going back just a couple years, we actually changed what we do here from ‘product safety’ to ‘product responsibility.’ It’s now Product Responsibility Summit. The reason we do that is we recognize that our responsibility to the marketplace was more than just making sure that the product was safe. We have a code of 
conduct that talks about labor conditions, that talks about meeting the laws in the countries where the products are being produced, whether those are environmental laws or labor laws or financial laws or prison labor laws. We’ve adopted that.”

“Some people may say on environmental things we’re evolving more slowly,” he adds. “I just know that we’re working on it.”

“We understand that for the industry to improve, it will only happen when the market demands that change,” Tim Brown, the QCA chief, tells me. “That being said, I hear all the time from suppliers and distributors that they are waiting for more demand from their customers before they will invest in going above and beyond in these areas. This type of mindset only serves to prove that the industry has more work to do.”

Here’s where things get messy.

As we saw up there, the industry really has come a long way on value and sustainability and responsible sourcing. The best companies and individuals—the most successful ones—are doing all those things, attempting to dispel the notion that promotional products are cheap crap. They really are working on it. But it takes a village, as they say, and the promo industry is less village and more Greater Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. It’s sprawling. “I think with any of these things, it’s all basically volunteerism, and when you look at our association or industry, you’ve got 25,000 entities between suppliers and distributors, if not more,” Bill Mahre, president of ADG Promotional Products, Hugo, Minn., tells me over the phone. “I think the last number I saw was in excess of 400,000 people. So it’s a pretty big animal to get people lined up and all on the same page, and that makes it difficult to get a consistent message out there. I think that’s the biggest challenge.”

Mahre, who’s been in the industry for 10 years, is deeply invested in its success, so much so that he ran for PPAI board of directors last year, winning a four-year term that begins January 2019. And he’s right about the numbers. According to PPAI’s own statistics, there were 23,563 distributor companies in 2017. Getting the message out to all of them is difficult. Getting them all to actually buy in feels nearly impossible. The industry’s structure makes it that way. The largest 843 distributors, those with yearly revenues greater than $2.5 million, account for 58 percent of industry sales, but make up just 3.6 percent of industry businesses. That leaves 42 percent of the market share, a sizeable $9.8 billion, for the other 22,721 distributors, most of them smaller.

“You still have something like 95 percent of our industry is really one- and two-person operations, at least on the distributor side, and their focus is really on their day-to-day survival of their business,” says Mahre. “So they’re probably not going to spend as much time and energy educating customers and doing that kind of research. They’re building their relationships and they’re maintaining their connections for their business.”

“You have the top-tier, respected distributors who provide creative solutions and products that enhance a brand,” says Jordy Gamson, of The Icebox-Cool Stuff. “There is also the competing force of mediocre distributors who are pushing 
products without regard for what is best for the customer. These are the companies that sell ‘trinkets and trash,’ and are viewed as such and damage the overall reputation of our industry.”

In the online discussion following the Fast Company article, a common response among promo professionals was that there’s an easy solution to the problems it raised: Just don’t sell the kinds of products Segran was talking about. Many distributors said they regularly turn aside sales if customers are looking only for product at the lowest price. Others told me they don’t go for low-cost clients at all. Larger distributor companies—and the most successful, business-savvy individual distributors—can get away with this. But, like Mahre said, smaller companies don’t necessarily have that luxury. They can’t refuse sales so easily, especially not on the basis of some intangible, far-off concerns. When you’re trying to survive in an increasingly competitive marketplace, it’s easy to miss the big picture.

“As an independent business that succeeds based on how we serve our clients, we are here to support them,” one distributor, owner of a three-person operation, told me. “I think we could be a voice in our marketing and in our client meetings to promote sustainably and ethically sourced products, and especially items that will be used and kept by end-users long term, as opposed to quickly discarded along with the branding message. But it is unrealistic for our company to only sell these at this time.” That distributor said his business, despite having products on its website, doesn’t allow customers to place orders online, and that it tries to avoid items with known quality issues. But, ultimately, it comes down to the customer. “The final decision on what to buy lies with our clients,” he says. “We will facilitate an order that they want unless it is clearly not available to meet an in-hands date, or has a known recall or similar legal reason for not being suitable.”

So, what the heck does the industry do? One option is to wait. As the industry continues to consolidate at the top—and as large outside competitors continue elbowing their way in—the businesses that don’t figure this stuff out will be the first to disappear. Time and market forces will solve some of the problem naturally. Or maybe demand will shift so slowly that the industry will have time to adjust in step. After all, it’s humming along just fine at $24 billion and growing. Right now, this isn’t an industry-wide existential crisis so much as one more challenge each individual business will need to overcome in order to grow or, depending on the situation, survive.

But waiting would be a gamble. That perception that the industry sells cheap crap is no boogeyman. It’s out there. Ignoring it won’t make it go away, and it has the potential to actually impact business. It’s already doing that. We saw it in Obama’s executive order, and in California and Oklahoma. We saw it in Capital One’s 2018 Go Swagless campaign encouraging businesses to use budget they “would normally spend on giveaway items to support a nonprofit.” We saw it in the enthusiastic responses to the Fast Company article. We saw it in the organizations that have announced they’ll no longer use promotional products at their trade shows and events.

That brings us to option two: owning it, whatever way you can. No supplier or distributor is actively trying to damage the industry’s overall reputation, and plenty of smaller businesses are doing their best to improve it. Even if some are just doing enough to get by, many others are doing great work, providing creative solutions for clients and thriving because of it. But almost everyone, on some level, is contributing to the issue. It’s not just small versus large. Everyone has some work to do. Everyone has to own it. The top industry companies, with their focus on value and responsible sourcing, are doing that already. It’s time for everyone else to catch up, to do more, to get the message out to every link in the supply chain, to start the arduous but necessary task of educating buyers and end-users.

“You hear it all the time in Expo education and PPAI webinars—industry professionals need to have more respect for the medium they sell and value themselves,” says Tim Brown. “Taking orders for ‘cheap junk’ does nothing for the industry. It puts money in someone’s pocket but adds no value to the medium, the brand or society. I do not know how one would get an industry of this size centered on a given goal when the majority of industry practitioners invest zero time in education and improving 
themselves to be better professionals. Product Safety Aware and Get In Touch! were developed to address these issues and are valiant efforts. However, they do not go far enough from an accountability standpoint—nor should they.

“The industry needs to stop giving lip service to responsible sourcing and value, and more seriously embrace corporate responsibility and sustainability,” Brown continues. “This includes how the products are made, caring about who makes them and what the expected life-cycle is for a given product. As I have been saying, the industry is not alone. Brands and consumers must respect their own reputations enough to spend more on quality products.”

It won’t be easy. Changing perception never is, especially when that perception has been shaped by decades of truth. And it may not even be possible to win over the hardliners—those who, like Segran, believe we simply own too much stuff. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. And at least we’re having the conversation. That’s a start. And there are a few things everyone can do, right now, to build on it.

“Distributors should always ask the question ‘why?’ says Taek Sung. “Remember, buyers are millennials now, and it’s important to understand their perspective as we move into the future. It’s the responsibility of suppliers, distributors and end-clients to end the waste. Suppliers should stop making the junk, distributors should stop selling the junk, and end-clients should stop demanding the junk. I, for one, with my company as a supplier, promise to put only useful items out there. You can be low cost and innovative.”

“I’d like to see more distributors, suppliers and end-users discussing this,” says Natasha Rawls, of Sourcepoint by Proforma. “I’d like factories and items to be recognized to see which products or companies have the lowest or most reduced carbon footprint. If items are discovered to be poor quality, they should be removed. We should all share information for suppliers that are succeeding, and bring attention to those who may need some help reducing their carbon footprint, too. We’re all learning, and we can all help each other.”

“I don’t know that we’re not going to see articles like this, because society evolves and the things that are important evolve,” says Paul Bellantone. “I think what’s more important than whether or not it ever happens is do we have a good story to tell? I don’t mean story like in a fake way, but do we have the answer that somebody might not be aware of that we can share with them? As society evolves I think we as an industry have to have the courage and the confidence to evolve along with it. I was at Advertising Week and I heard somebody say this: ‘the confidence to evolve.’ It was really about how do you brand your company, how do mature brands deal with disruption. The thing that they said was, ‘They have the confidence to evolve.’”

“I really took that to heart for our industry,” Bellantone continues. “We’re 115 years old as an association. As long as we have the confidence to evolve, I think we’re doing what we should be doing. People will argue in the margins of whether we’re doing it fast enough or strong enough or putting enough impact on it, but I see us evolving in the ways we’re talking about here.”

“We can do everything we want, but over time, the marketplace dictates your brand and your image,” says Mahre. “You’re right, we are fighting some historical past, but the bottom line is the industry’s improving, the message is much better, and I think there’s a really good story to tell.”

The post ‘Cheap Swag’: How the Promo Industry Is Fighting a Decades-Old Perception Problem That Just Won’t Quit appeared first on Quality Certification Alliance - QCA.

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