Tumgik
#and sometimes when I’m like ‘maybe we’re wrong?’ it’s such a disconnect
infinitelymint · 2 years
Text
.
170 notes · View notes
thinplacesradio · 2 months
Text
Tumblr media
stacked sound equipment and a radio with glowing green numbers. the image is distorted by VCR static. white text reads:
[026] THE SEEKER... A CALLER WAITS. THE SEEKER HEARS A VOICE ON THE RADIO.
listen here, or anywhere you find your podcasts. transcript under the cut:
[static, radio tuning]
[traveling sales rep: don’t touch that dial! We’ll be right b-]
[a high-register voice, not the Host’s:]
Car radio, yet again. Fixed, for now. It’s from a 2005 Honda CR-V, which I know is old, but, as you know, it’s been acting up for months now, um, and it finally just gave out on me. I don’t even know what worked to resurrect it here, but, well. [tools moving] The mystery of life, I guess. I’m sure it’ll start jumping stations again any day now.
[beep]
I could use a distraction so we are back to the transmitter. I’m building it from scratch instead of from a kit, uh, which basically means I’m just buying the parts that would have been in the kit separately, so I don’t really know if I’m saving money here or losing it. [tools clink] It’s pretty much kid stuff, but hey. It’s nice to go back to the basics sometimes, I guess. I think just to make it interesting I might take one of the old desktops to see if I can link it to some visuals? With different colors representing, I dunno, different letters, maybe? Maybe… make it so the words will show up as you tap the code in? Or I could just leave it with the binary, do kind of a black and white thing. I don’t know. [sigh] I don’t know.
[beep]
[phone ringing] [voicemail]
Hey, it’s me, you know what to do!
[beep]
[phone ringing] [voicemail]
Hey, it’s me, you –
[beep]
No one knows where she is, why does nobody know where she is. I - I think there’s something wrong.
[beep]
[phone ringing]
We’re sorry. You have reached a number that has been disconnected, or is no longer in service. To -
[beep]
I didn’t quit my job today. This isn’t really a project log, but I almost quit my job today, and I didn’t, and I, I think that deserves to be noted down, somewhere. I love what I do. But - doing it doesn’t seem as important anymore when I could be looking for her. I know I haven’t found a single thing, but that’s no reason to stop. I - [sigh]
I don’t know why I’m talking around it like this. Someone that matters to me is gone, and no one knows what happened, or why, or if - 
I wish she was just ghosting me, specifically. Like, that’s not something I want, at all, but I would take it if it meant that she was safe, living her life somewhere else. [sigh]
I don’t. I don’t think she’s dead. I really hope she isn’t dead. Sometimes I’d be at work glancing at the chat and there would be no new messages. Or at home with my phone on the table building myself a new desktop, and there would be no new messages. But I could still feel her on the other side, connected to me with that, I don’t know, electronic tether. Even when she wasn’t there, it helped knowing that she was somewhere.
That’s how it feels, still. I think she’s somewhere. I just don’t know where.
[voicemail]
Hiiiii, iris! Hi-riss! That’s nothing, sorry.  I texted you but I guess you must’ve lost track of time? I’ll just scale the building here and crawl in the IT window - you guys have windows, right? I feel like I imagine you in like a scifi basement most of the time. Anyway. I’m here, I’ll see you soon. Get down here before I bribe the security guard to let me in. I... yeah. See ya. I’ll be here.
[beep]
[morse code beeping] 
T-E-S-T. S-O-S. [pause] Where… are… you? 
Stupid, Iris. Just, stupid.
[beep] [equipment rustling, clinking, scraping]
It was, um, same company, different cities. I called her on the phone before I ported in to fix her computer, and she was – warm? Tired. Not exactly funny, but trying to make me laugh. I didn’t, but I thought about it, just to see if she’d laugh back? She messaged me on the company chat after, to thank me, and sent me a link to an article we’d been talking about while I worked on her desktop. I don’t remember what it was about even though it feels like I should. There are a lot of things I’m already forgetting. But I messaged back, and then we didn’t stop messaging. Until eight months ago.
I always want to know more about everything. Too much, probably. I can never stop digging. But she was the only one who really wanted to know more about… me.
I’m glad I got to meet her, but - I was supposed to keep meeting her - I - 
[beep]
[morse code beeping]
Don’t… be… dead.
[beep] [equipment moving aggressively]
Rob told me today that if I’m not going to go out for drinks with them after work anymore my only hobby can’t be looking for someone who’s been missing for a year. Really kind of insensitive, honestly. [huff] But I have been reading too many police reports, so today I will be starting a new project altogether.
[beep]
It’s the car radio, again, always the car radio. I should just buy a new one at this point, but then I’d never find out what was wrong with this one. Alright, okay, we’re trying scanning again, here we go.
[channels scan] [we hear the Sales Rep, and then the Host, cutting in and out:]
- Thank you for - feel - on - as always, our number is 71–
[Iris scrambles to stop the station but misses it. She tries tuning it back.]
Wait, wait wait wait wait. W-wait wait wait. 102 point 1. Oh my god. Oh my God. Wait. Hold on. 102 point - Wait, come back. Come back. 
I don’t – I don’t understand – [the road prov-] that’s Ha -
[beep] [keyboard clacking] 
I’m not the only person who’s heard her. There are people on subreddits talking about catching a radio call-in show on one frequency, exactly when they needed to hear it, but then not finding it again when they look for it, but just - How do I not need to hear it?
Here’s what I know about “the Host,” from what they know about the Host. Um, she’s always moving somewhere. She cares about her listeners. She’s experiencing impossible things, and so are the people calling in. And there’s a number.
Here’s what I know about my friend. She listened. She hated her job and always wanted a longer break. She loves pigeons and thinks that if aliens exist they’re single celled and acidophilic. She misses her mom. She was always reaching out for something. She was my friend.
[frantic music begins]
I know her voice, even if I haven’t heard it again. I know it was her, and I know I’m going to hear it again. I’m going to find the station. I’m going to find her.
[static] [Traveling Sales Rep: visit us at the - diner just off -] [Various Garbled Voices: the - road - provides - the - road - provides -]
Thin Places Radio is a podcast written by Kristen O’Neal and produced by Kaitlin Bruder. 
The voice of Iris is Kaitlin Bruder. 
The voice of H[static] is Kristen O’Neal. 
Editing and sound design are by Kaitlin Bruder, and the music track you heard in tonight’s episode is: Junoon by RANA. If you have a question to ask, a story to tell, or a suggestion for the host, give us a call at ‪(717) 382-8093. The lines are always open.
[Junoon plays]
20 notes · View notes
Note
Hi there!
So coming up in June, we're starting therapy again and we wanna bring up our plurality with our therapist (since we didn't get a chance to in our past sessions since we've only recently discovered we're a system during our post-therapy break and we're still mostly closeted and only out to our psychiatrist and a few close people) but we were wondering if we could get some tips on how to come out to our therapist as a system? We struggle with severe anxiety so we sometimes have a hard time opening up to others, but we really want to open up to our therapist cause she's really cool and she's someone we trust. Thanks!
Hiya! I feel like we’ve talked about this before but we can’t find a post with the info, so! We’re gonna say it entirely depends on the manner of your system!
If you suspect you have a dissociative disorder or may be a trauma-formed system:
Um, maybe start by bringing up other symptoms of a dissociative disorder you experience. DID/OSDD are not just alter disorders, and they come with a host of other symptoms (depersonalization, derealization, identity confusion, trauma responses, amnesia, depression, anxiety, and more). Talking about these other symptoms first will help your plurality fit into the puzzle when you do bring it up to your therapist!
For example, before we knew we were a system, our host would say things in therapy like “I sometimes feel like I’m not in control of my body and don’t have agency in my life”/“Sometimes I can watch myself do things I wouldn’t do”/“I often feel disconnected or separated from myself and the world around me”/“I experience time jumps where I can’t remember what happened in the past” in addition to statements like “I don’t feel alone in my own mind.” Taking all that together, plus our trauma history which our therapist was somewhat aware of, made it easier for us to finally start talking about being a system in therapy!! >w<
If you suspect you’re not trauma-formed, or you played some role in consciously creating your system:
Maybe start by asking your therapist about plurality and what they know about it! You might ought to mention how you don’t have common symptoms of dissociative disorders, how you’re in therapy for other reasons, but you’re still not alone in your own head. Try coming from a perspective of “This is my experience. I am confident in my own experience and I know that (multiplicity/plurality/otherwise not being alone in your mind) is something I deal with daily.” This can help ensure your therapist that dismissing you will not only be unhelpful, but something you won’t take to heart.
It’s worth mentioning that we thought we were not trauma-formed before realizing we have DID! So if your therapist suggests attempting trauma work or taking a look at your early memories, it may be worth it to hear them out. You may not recover any memories or discover you were traumatized, but that could hopefully reaffirm your identity as a nontraumagenic system!
You may find that you are dismissed by your therapist, no matter how you bring up your system. If this happens, please don’t give up, on your system or therapy as a whole! Not all therapists are understanding about plurality, but many are! Our therapist, for example, is a specialist in treating childhood trauma/dissociation in adults. He sees many patients with dissociative disorders, and he firmly believes that plurality without DID/OSDD can and does happen! Not every therapist is closed minded, and there’s nothing wrong with “therapy shopping” to try and find a good fit! The best therapy comes with trust, communication, and mutual understanding… it sounds like y’all have this with your therapist though, so hopefully she’ll listen to y’all with an open mind! :33
We’ve been plugging our master post a lot (because it’s got a lot of resources!) but if you want a primer on different types of plurality so you’re more prepared to bring this up to your therapist, maybe check out some of the links in our resource post! >w<
We hope this helps somewhat!!
💚 Ralsei, 🐢 Kip, and 🌸 Margo
14 notes · View notes
tineteenieworld3 · 1 year
Text
Okay any lesbians out there. Did you watch ST and get really upset that you didn’t really like Robin’s character? Or maybe just her role, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her character actually, and I don’t hate Steve either. I really don’t have a problem with him, but I do not like that Robin is his sidekick. I just idk this isn’t something they did wrong on the writing part, like she’s a good character, I just I never really liked her much. Personally, I can’t relate to her at all, but that’s also just cause I’m not similar to her. I don’t know what I’m saying, it just never felt right to me. And that doesn’t mean other people can’t relate, like I’m not saying she’s not relatable to everyone because we’re all different, this is just a personal experience.
Maybe it’s just cause I’m watching the last of us and the queer rep is just really good and the ep with Riley and Ellie was the first time I watched a show with lesbians/wlw and felt like this breath of fresh air because it was so correct and that’s what it looks like and that’s what it all feels like and it just makes you think about the other rep given.
Idk I’m rambling and this is purely just my thoughts, there’s nothing factual in there at all and nothing is wrong with Robin or anything like that, I just struggled to like her. Maybe it’s cause of Steve and I felt like her identity was tied in with his feelings. And we got shit on a lot when vol. 2 came out and people were upset about Will and people said like ‘Robin is right there’ and I never understood why that bothered me until recently because she doesn’t feel like a whole character to me. She doesn’t feel like a lesbian like actually as a person and not just a…prop? I’m really excited to see her and Vickie in season 5 though, I do want to see more done with her and more of her disconnected from Steve, it’s just I could never fully relate and maybe that’s it. Or maybe it’s cause her character feels like she’s wearing lesbian instead of being one (sometimes not always). And she is a side character and comedic relief, that’s her role and that’s fine, I just never looked at her and was like ‘yes lesbian rep’ because it didn’t feel right to me at all. AGAIN this just personal experience, it doesn’t mean I’m correct whatsoever. It’s just how I feel. Yeah I’m not trying to say she’s bad rep or anything was done wrong or that the writers hate lesbians lmao, it’s just how I feel about it and I know many people think she’s amazing and that’s really great too and completely valid.
Maybe it’s just cause I related to Will a lot more, and him being gay just feels like him being gay and it’s not something that’s worn as like a costume or something. Again though, he’s a main character so of course it’ll be different. Either way I’m not saying something it wrong or something is right, it’s just my feelings.
11 notes · View notes
12.15
Today is Ma’s birthday. Happy birthday Ma! I miss you and I wish things had been different before you passed. But you know all that is and you are once again pure love. So you get it.
Dad is just like you. I don’t know what else to say at this time really.
I get really sad sometimes. The other day it kinda flashed back that maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to die. I wouldn’t do it, I just feel so hopeless. There are ways to subvert any given thing to make one perspective the truth. Which is hard.
But I guess that’s real.
Because nothing is real. And nothing known to man is the TRUTH. We make up all the reasons for everything based on what we see. Based on observation. And then we all agree to things on large scales and while that is useful to form civilizations and coexist, it kinda bleeds out into a lot of other things that prevent us from ascending as a human race. As energy. Like why is it so hard to BE? To live and let live.
And all of us suffer because we’re all damaged and blind and scared. Trying to survive. And on top of that we have to worry about money making or breaking that reality for all of us. We are so disconnected from how to take care of ourselves in the wild. So dependent on the state of things as they are. We cannot go back so how do we progress past this and make the circle back around to simplicity? How do we shake everyone awake?
I’m worried about the wrong shit lol
The reason things on a romantic level don’t work out is because I have not yet mastered myself. I know once I do, my need in a partner will be soooooo pared down and specific that I will just be unshakeable when it comes to the wrong people come around. Things will be so clear then.
I will be able to focus on how that person will impact all that I will have built for myself. I haven’t reached a high height yet! So how would I know what I want down the line? Lol wow
Like what if I get rich? Am I going to want someone who knows how that works to like double our shit and run it up? Probably!
I want a lavish life. I will have a lavish life.
I have to hold to the idea that I am in a serious relationship with the reaper and my higher self.
It is my brain that wants dopamine soooo bad lol
Because I wish so bad to be a girl that just sits and reads and like comprehends what she’s reading and learns things. But it’s just so difficult to be disciplined. I wish I was better at that. I wish I could rewire my brain.
Wish I could stay focused on something long enough to see it thru. Like sewing my hat or reading the books I got in Portland or really just anything. I can’t wait to be done with school and have my own place I can cook and do all these things in.
I am so ready to be someone else. I’m tired of being this one in chains. I want to take better care of myself. I think that’s what my eyebrows are trying to tell me. That compulsion is a message. A big one right on my face.
Maybe I’ll go get coffee somewhere tomorrow and work on my homework and like write something and work on my child support paperwork and all that. Just to like not rot.
I like that version of me
0 notes
aiyiyichat · 5 months
Text
Week 40
Fast Car I’ve been so disconnected from the world that I didn’t know Luke Combs covered one of my favorite songs—Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car” and that together they just won Country Song of The Year. I’m listening to it now and Christ, this might be the best cover since Johnny Cash’s cover of NIN’s “Hurt”. I love that Luke didn’t change a single lyric and kept the line “been working at the market as a checkout girl”. Chapman’s words describing last ditch hope in the face of never ending tragedy still hits me hard. Everyone has a dream. Everyone needs to escape the tragedies life saddles them with. No one is immune to hardship and heartbreak. Play to the very end Commentators on Simulation Theory sometimes dismiss it on the grounds that even if it's true, it doesn’t change anything. I’d like to advance a different take: let’s substitute “simulation” for “video game”. You ever play a video game that gets easier as you advance? There’s no such game. Also, in most video games, the entire world is trying to prevent you from succeeding. The whole world is against you. Maybe Luigi or Tails will show up every once in a while to give you a power up, but for the most part you’re on your own. As you play, you fall into holes, get knocked down by Goombas or time your leaps of faith wrong and have to start all over. We consider this fun, but life is set up very similarly and yet it isn’t? Maybe it is and we’re just playing it wrong. Maybe life is supposed to get harder as you advance. Maybe “life gets easier the more successful you are” is a lie bigger than the Texas sky.  I deploy a specific rule when I play any platformer or shooter—play to the very end. No quitting even if I die twice on level 1. I’ve often surprised myself by sometimes getting further than I ever have despite making terrible blunders at the start. Now when I fall into a hole in my real life, I just think to myself You’re still alive. Good games are supposed to be hard. Play to the very end. AIYIYI Chat is me trying to leap across a chasm. The end of a highway ramp with only a prayer for solid ground beyond that fog. Hopefully this fast car can make the jump.
1 note · View note
evilsnievil · 10 months
Text
So after a terrible breakup from a 10 month relationship with my first ever love that occurred 3 months ago which led to my alcoholic era which ended in me almost deleting myself from alcohol poisoning and almost getting sent to the psych ward like month ago i am finally moving on (i am still deeply traumatized from the breakup and almost dying as well) and in a unforeseen turn of events I think my best friend and I are going to fuck sometime in the next few days.
I met this son of a bitch at the beginning of the school year and we have been through the depths of hell together like we’ve become so close emotionally I’ve never been so vulnerable and comfortable with someone irl and he reciprocates like I’ve been there for him through some tough shit and we just get each other we’re like this 🤞
So when this bitch asked me to call him a slut i swear to god almighty it awakened something within me like y’all don’t get it i was just minding my goddamn business and now for the past like 3 days like i don’t even know I am seeing a new side of this dude this boy wrapped himself around my finger talkin about some “I’ll be your slut” and “I’ll do anything for you” ETC. and good god shit is going straight to my head i feel so powerful it’s so fucking hot.
Anyway i was thinking like ykw fuck it what better way to lose my virginity than to this lovely beautiful good boy who knows about my daddy issues and is the closest relationship I’ve ever had in my life like I’m either very wrong or very right and he’s making it very hard to find the downsides yall dont wanna know how horny ive been everyday every hour since thursday.
With that being said tho I’m very anxious rn idk if it’s because I need to go to sleep (it’s probably because I need to go to sleep) but I’m overthinking this sm and I blame my ex for bringing my hopes up that maybe I’m not unlovable and unattractive and then crushing that shred of confidence and self esteem like a bug which was really fucked up so now I’m just like what if this is a joke what if I’m humiliating myself and being laughed at rn like why would anyone love me let alone want to have sex with me and that’s like really weighing on my soul and Im feeling a huge sense of dread rn and I don’t know what to do.
In my brain I think I’m like subconsciously putting a disconnect between my best friend and the person who wants to have sex with me so like I think the right thing to do is have like one of those semi serious conversations with him and just be open about how fucking insecure I am and I know his angelic self is gonna give me that reassurance that I very badly need to hear and yeah imma probably do that before we maybe have sex and there’s nothing to be scared of I know my best friend is a good and understanding person I just need to hear it from him that things are chill or smth idk
0 notes
lauraaloveless · 1 year
Text
*
I get stuck in this cycle sometimes of wondering what my life would be like if I hadn’t done some things; or what my current life could be like if I had. I know my life would be different if I’d listened to people who could clearly see what I could not. Eyes wide open, a third-person perspective. I dream about it sometimes. I’m there, but not really. It’s like I’m watching myself from a distance. I make mistakes, knowing they’re mistakes, and this version of me who can feel her heartbeat in her fucking ears can scream and scream but it doesn’t make an iota of difference. I still make bad choices, I still say the wrong things. 
I provoke people.  And sometimes it’s on purpose. Sometimes it’s not.I know that version of myself better than anybody else ever could have now, but I’m embarrassed by her. She isn’t me, and I make conscious choices now to disconnect myself. We’re two separate beings. I can’t stand thinking about those times, yet I still rehash them over and over. It’s constant, a clamorous cacophony... but it is never conscious.
I write what I remember in the present. It was never my intention to keep and re-read what I’d said, but I think maybe I knew. I knew it would help me in the future to process things that maybe I couldn’t even face at the time. I looked through my journals today; found one from twelve years ago. I haven’t read it properly, but I leafed through most of it. There were some things at the back: a fourteenth birthday card from my ex-best friend, some photographs from a holiday in Italy, writing from that time. I wrote the first five pages of that journal sat on a beach and I remember that completely. I remember what I was listening to at the time, too. It was when I started crossing my o’s, I remember bits, but nothing feels complete. 
Nothing feels complete.
0 notes
stargazerinmoksha · 2 years
Text
a story about you:
i miss you a lot more than the silence being shared between us. i know that closeness isn’t always defined by physical space, so we’ll always be close no matter the distance. it’s really been strange. do you ever miss me too? it’s really cold right now, but i’m still going to write this. it feels like winter is here a bit too soon, i know that december is a rough month for you. i have asked the stars to sing you back to bed, maybe a few of my thoughts woke you up from a nap, maybe words are all that we are and that’s okay too.
do you ever feel like it’s hard to trust people? i was thinking that i could trust myself enough to let my feelings run rampant, i don’t want any of this to be a clean edit. you’re more important than that. you deserve my honesty. i think some parts of my heart still feel hurt. i thought that i was smart enough, that my intuition is powerful, but in the end, i think we’re all too flawed to figure out what’s right and what’s wrong. who can really judge us when the lights are turned off? every scar looks like the next scar, every lie as bad as the next lie, every smile still feels real, every time that i’ve shared a laugh with you still feels like i actually knew you. i’m walking home and the stars are so pretty! i’m not so fond of the cold, but you are. i miss your voice very much and i know you’d pick up if i called. i’ve been detaching myself from a lot. i spend a lot of time alone, maybe it’s some strange form of punishment for not loving my wonderful company enough. a very valuable question to the sad souls out there, are we lonely people or do we feel alone? is it by choice or unconditionally bound to us as part of the human experience? i still have those monkey mittens that you bought for me. sometimes when i’m anxious i listen to your bloom cover. it’s still my favorite.
i think time does heal all wounds. my rose-tinted viewpoint of life won’t change that. you’re still beautiful to me. and my heart will always have room for you. in the body, in my mind, in this spirit, in my space— i can only pray that god takes care of you and your family. i’ve left my soul in the hands of the universe for quite some time now. my feelings tell me that i need to let you know that much. i still care about you.
i feel like you’re in a good place even though we haven’t spoken to one another in awhile. i just feel it. are you? if you’re not, i just wanted to let you know that it has to. somewhere under all of the pain, there’s something good happening. i have tried to look away from the sun, but she keeps pulling me back. under promises and whispers of warmth, i’ve seen the truth of what happens when you find true love. i found wings in the shape of fire and fire has no shape— formless and ever changing, i am a perfect reflection of all the things i would love to do better, they say that it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission— so i hope you can forgive me for taking so long to write this. there was a huge disconnect in my heart and for some odd reason, the longer my hair got, the less i gave a fuck. and that’s my fault.
this is a reminder to constantly cherish the warm parts of what makes us… us. i know that you love me because i love you too. no amount of trouble could ever take that away from us. i think at the end of the day, we all just want to be loved and feel loved. something genuine. something real. something sweet. it’s that simple. give me a star and i’ll give you a constellation back. give me the truth and i’ll tell you mine. love me like you mean it and i’ll always be there for you. you can have the shirt off my back and i won’t ask for a dime back because no matter where i go or who i become— my karma will answer back in full force because i have demanded the universe to be tough to my heart. i have hurt a lot of people and that has not gone unnoticed by the echoes of truth. i will get what i’m owed, what i deserve, what i am worthy of. no matter the price. cold hands, years of depression, a numbing sensation from disappointed relationships— a quarrel with madness slipping into chaos dressed pretty enough to kiss, but lonely enough to keep me silent down to the bone, to the wire. these aren’t just meaningless letters, this isn’t just a poem about how i missed you and could really use your presence. i think it’s good to let things out. to let things flow. my heart is as naked as it was when i was born. when i had my first cry, when i ate my first meal from deep inside my mother, when my dad tried to love my mom, when i was just in the universe as a tiny light too far for the naked eye to visually see, sometimes madness comes with brilliance— or was it the other way around? i’ve forgotten and could care less. my ramblings are just ramblings. i’m here for only a mere moment with all that i am. it really is cold tonight, but writing this has added some level of warmth in my mind and that will always be the first thing that you taught me as a writer. to start with myself and never look back. i love you so very much, i hope you never forget that. sometimes we just get busy; a reminder that you are loved is never bad. so i love you. i love you even if we don’t speak too often. i love you even if we’re not up to date with one another. i love you even when you’re unsure. i don’t have enough room in my heart to not love you. it’s just enough. just enough to love all that you are— mistakes, honesty, and lies. it’s in our coding, our nature to want to understand one another. you’re not the only fucked up person, my love. i am too. i could never judge you. i can only love you more.
257 notes · View notes
astrologanize · 3 years
Text
2021 for the ascendants 
aries ascendant: man, it’s like you’ve forgotten what you want for the past few years but you’ve been trying with all your might to run through a list of desires with the hope that eventually something will provide you with contentment. worry not, you will be met with situations that highlight your principles so that you are able to decipher what it is that brings you oneness. ask yourself if the company you keep is meeting expectations and if there are behaviors you’ve been allowing, but more importantly, ask yourself if you are leading by example and what you are leading with. this is a time for you to make sure that you are taking the proper initiative towards your own fulfillment, if you’re feeling a disconnect then maybe you should seek for an understanding of the objective; how can you expect others to meet expectations if you aren’t doing the same for yourself? why are you tolerating what you shouldn’t have to? it’s time to up your ambition and strive for resolution by making sure that you are setting yourself up for greatness. “if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything” 
taurus ascendant: life has been a slippery slope for the past couple of years, the way life can change in the blink of an eye and the way we can get carried away without intending to is something you’re awfully familiar with by now. you’ll feel like you’re getting somewhere, you figure things are on the up ya know, and then of course something totally stops you in your tracks and it makes you question yourself - which has only made your taurus ascendant self clam up harder buuuut you’ve been trying to process it. you will be met with situations that allow you to reap the benefit of your efforts. it is time for you to go after what you want, this is prime manifestation time so if you are desiring change to circumstances make sure you are working towards it and utilizing the power of affirmation. if you don’t have a job then i would strongly advise this as a time to obtain one or attempt to obtain one; if you do have a job/are in a career then expect there to be change that is ultimately positive for you even if it may not seem like it at the time. 
gemini ascendant: you guys have been on a mission of self-discovery through the numerous voids we utilize to dissolving other parts of ourselves, i’m getting very “cranes in the sky” by solange - “i tried to drink it away, i tried to put one in the air, i tried to dance it away, i tried to change it with my hair” (etc. read the rest of the lyrics if you’d like!) sometimes in us getting caught up in excessive behavior we’re able to understand that there’s a bigger issue at play and we’re acting from a place that is without authenticity. you will be met with situations that reveal the answers that you’ve been searching for and your perspective will begin to breakdown and reform. this year you should try to think before you speak, in fact, let your actions speak for themselves so that you don’t have to start running off at the mouth. absorb and filter through the information that you have so that you are leading with the facts; no more following unreliable curiosities, bouncing back & forth, and wallowing in careless behavior. 
cancer ascendant: for a while you’ve had to take a hard look at family, support systems, what you bring the to the table, and how you can find liberation for yourself in relation to these things. it’s been easier for you to fall into a pity party because you’ve had to deal with and be met with responsibility in a new way, a way that has showed you where you’re needing to grow up, and this can make you want to sink further into your shell with all your vices of comfort (those ‘security blankets’ can be so pesky). you will be met with situations that can soften out your old ways and in doing so provide you with a chance to have a legitimate regeneration. finding acceptance and embracing vulnerability at it’s most candid is how you will find your footing. this is a time to try to re-evaluate your patterns of behavior so that you can work on creating new, healthier habits for yourself so that you are able to lay down those roots of security that you long for. you have been receiving the tools you need and all you have to do is utilize them instead of trying to shield up and be overly defensive. 
leo ascendant: i feel like life for you has kind of felt like someone took you out of your home, drove you to a forest in the middle of nowhere and dropped you off with the bare necessities and said, “okay, now figure out your way back.” thankfully you are getting a groove back for yourself and taking on a new outlook of the hindrances in your life. you will be met with situations that make you reconsider the way you’ve been carrying yourself, what you’ve been allowing, and the situations that you have been placing yourself in. it’s time for you to be more selective and imagine what you want for your life, what is your ‘dream life’? - answer this question and start taking the steps to getting there, decide what isn’t aligning with this dream, what you need to pull back from, and what is worth the effort. if you have family or a support system then examine your relationship with them - are they holding you back or are they willing to work on things with you and vice versa because it could be you who is needing to be more deliberate with people. if your home (life) isn’t ideal then find a way of to move elsewhere or renovate your space by getting rid of what has no use in your life so that you can add or rearrange accordingly. 
virgo ascendant: ah, attachments and feeling withdrawn, dissatisfied, ineffective are issues that you have been dealing with but this year you will be tending to the source of this by learning how to keep momentum. though you have been putting in effort, it’s you working harder and not smarter because you’re working from a place of inadequacy instead of working from a place of ingenuity. along with working harder and putting in unnecessary effort is you nitpicking to the very last crumb when really this is you just, again, being dissatisfied with where you are in life. you will be met with situations that force you back down to earth and emphasize what it is that you have been evading or how you’ve been evading. this is a time to make the transitions that you’ve been yearning for, this is not a time for waiting things out, if you want something then you need to act on it. you’ve been in your head in a very unhelpful way, you’re like “nope, this won’t work for me because xyz, i can’t do that because of abc, this is too wrong, this isn’t lmnop enough, blah blah blah” and it’s been excuse after excuse. get out of your own way and revise!!! make the best with what you have!!!
libra ascendant: gosh, why has everything felt like it’s been crumbling away? things are supposed to come together, not fall apart, right? as of late your efforts have felt as though they’ve been in vain - other people aren’t taking to you, you’re not attracting what you want, and everything has felt unfair. this balance beam has been feeling anything but balanced! you will be met with situations that bring you back to the notion that what we attract is based around what we’re putting forth. have you ever pointed the finger at yourself? are there any issues that could be stemming for you? maybe it’s you who is needing to learn how to keep yourself in check. after all this crumbling away you should be able to start piecing together the leftover fragments to gather an understanding of what life has come to be. omg i just envisioned the mulan scene: “when will my reflection show who i am inside” - this is your mulan moment!!! negativity has clung and been projected from you in recent years and it’s on you to mend those behaviors and in doing so your paths will narrow down, the indecision will cease, and you’ll see where you can go, where you’d want to go.  
scorpio ascendant: feeling as though you’ve missed something is not something you’re that familiar with because you like to think you have awareness but unfortunately recognition has not been your strong suit as of late. you’ve reached that “who am i?” stage of rock-bottom and the “what in the hell am i even doing?” but what a year 2021 will be for you in terms of being able to end certain cycles, which is a pretty major thing for your ascendant. you will be met with situations that force you to gather your bearings and revise your demeanor, which can be a nerve-wracking thing for someone who doesn’t like to adhere to what they would consider the follies of others. it’s a time for openness so lessen your grip and consider the possibilities rather than feeding into your sensitivities and fixations. how can you transform if you’re too busy digging yourself in deeper? the way scorpio is able to bring together both boldness and vulnerability is what you should be striving for, the self-sabotaging is for the other birds - you’re a Phoenix! 
sagittarius ascendant: i extend my deepest condolences for the past couple of years but you’re starting to get a better idea about the part that you play in matters and what you’re needing to improve upon so that you can find a direction, or better direction, in your life. hopefully you have been paying heed to the areas in your life that have accumulated to the point of no return and are planning a big ol’ yard sale because it is time to bring back some decency. you will be met with situations that test your ability to make the right choices/decisions by infringing upon your lifestyle. this is a time to explore inwardly and address the emotions that you’ve kept tucked away, seeing as your decisions are too often dictated by these unturned emotions. you’ve done enough wandering by now, these upcoming days should be about you tying up loose ends and bettering the circumstances you currently have so that you don’t feel the need to flee. don’t let things go unexpressed this year because this baggage is what is hindering you and freeing yourself of this as much you possibly can would be in your best interest. 
capricorn ascendant: ah, those dark feelings of being misunderstood and having a chip on your shoulder because let’s be honest, you’ve been having an identity crisis and haven’t been the most reassuring person to have around. all i’m hearing is “it’s my life!” and envisioning a person who is refusing to be told what to do, we get it - you think you’re above cooperation. you will be met with situations that challenge the security within yourself and in your life through having to face your own inability to properly articulate yourself to others. it’s time for you to take on the mindset of a novice. everything you’ve established or think that you’ve established? yeah, leave it at the door. try your best to pretend that you know nothing and that the world is brand new because it’s your own preconceived notions that are clamming you up. other people won’t be receptive to you if you’re not being receptive to them. not everything is about standing on the mountain or being ready to die on a hill, you should be enjoying the process and experimenting and considering alternatives because that’s how you find what works. 
aquarius ascendant: so you guys have totally recoiled into yourselves to the point of being lost within, huh? i just know y’all have been going full weirdo and doing shit that probably even you can’t grasp because it’s been coming from such a subconscious place. once you’ve hit a low point it’s easy to become a bitter betty and partake in not the greatest of coping mechanisms because you’re feeling alienated from yourself. there is a reason for this though - you have unacknowledged feelings! have you had any regrets or lingering emotion towards people or towards situations? perhaps these are stifling your ability to feel present. you will be met with situations that turn you inside out by taking away the option of preparing yourself so that there’s no time to go robotic about it. this is a time for you to revel in activity, get out of your ~woe is me, nobody wants what i have to offer~ and start showcasing your abundance! give for the sake of giving, have fun with your generosity, try to tap into that aquarius energy of playful but well-intentioned nonchalance. 
pisces ascendant: well, you have been trying to work on your celestial flow and have dove deeper into your visions and idealisms for life but your moods have never been more easily swayed. these have not been the sort of tides that you have cared to ride because they don’t lead anywhere! they crash and dissolve, crash and dissolve, crash and dissolve - when will they carry you somewhere you’d like to go? your escapisms and illusions have been getting the better of you and floating is a pretty accurate way to describe where you’re at. you will be met with situations that question/alter your reality and reveal to you what you’ve been overlooking. i imagine it as your *record scratch* *freeze frame* “yup. that's me. so you're probably wondering how I got myself into this situation.” moment. it’s time for you to gently pull back and take note of what you’re investing your energy into and what this has been producing in return. your energy is best left being funneled into yourself this year so that you can thoroughly examine where you’ve been pigeonholing yourself; in you examining such you will be able to tap into your intuition in a way that you have not been able to before, it’ll be like unlocking a new level of your own consciousness. 
1K notes · View notes
oumaheroes · 3 years
Text
Old Age
Word Count: 1772
Characters: Canada, England, and France
---
There were some days where Canada truly felt his age.
Most of the time how old he was didn’t really hit him. He happily pottered around work or home as easily as he imagined most humans his physical age did: running for a train he was almost certainly going to miss, tripping down the last few steps on a flight of stairs because he was staring at his phone and wasn’t watching his feet, or spilling coffee on himself when he missed his mouth taking a sip.
His colleagues, despite knowing who he was, spoke to him as an equal and Canada could happily pass weeks, or sometimes even months, without consciously being aware of how old he was- or even really what he was.
It was easy to forget, surrounded by humans every day, that he was not one. His ministers and co-workers spoke to him without questioning his position that high in government- that was admittedly unusual for a face as young as his. Occasionally, he’d bump into a young intern or graduate who didn’t know him and he’d have a nice, genuine interaction before a look of shock crossed their face when someone high up greeted him respectfully. It was a helpful, yet stark, reminder.
But overall, when you were surrounded by people who did know it never really hit him that his presence or job was something he took for granted and the passing of time was something he didn’t really take notice of. It was normal. He was there, he was called Matthew, sometimes, or Canada, but both were his name and the potency of what he was, was surprisingly quite forgettable.
Of course, what he was was never something he could completely avoid. Someone would mention a time, or a date, or a thing that had happened and Canada would immediately feel the distance widen between them all as it was made obvious that, to everyone else, what they were discussing was history. It was something passed, something that had happened to other people too long ago to properly connect with on an emotional level. An old battle, an old political bill; something that someone long long dead had said or written that now remained only as faint ink on curling, dusty paper.
But to Canada it was there in his head, the words clear and as easy to recall as if they were spoken to him yesterday. A benefit of nationhood, he supposed, to be fully aware of things that had political consequence, to be able to trace the makings of himself back through time and see how they spiralled and grew.
History wasn’t just words, to him, or mere events. Such things made up the foundations of himself, the building blocks of his life and he felt them thrum through him like a song, twisting and moulding him into being.
Becoming aware of his age and the difference between himself and humans were when Canada really felt the weight of the years he carried. Over three hundred of them made themselves known, hanging off his shoulders and settling down to his legs to hold him up. It was easy to briefly forget how old he was, but that knowledge was impossible to rid himself of entirely- Canada was made up of history, of the bones of time and they cracked together as he moved through his life to remind him of who he was with every step.
He had burned, he had bled, he had died. He had seen.
That was the point of him. To watch to passage of time and remember it, to hold the memory of his people within him and use their voices and experiences to push for the continuation of the future. Their future.
Canada was his people, was made by his people for his people and as he sat amongst them, discussing old old moments long gone with humans who could only read and dream of them, the distinction of what he was would hit him like a thunderbolt.
It was heavy, to be so old. To have seen so many things, to have lived through so much. To be what he was.
He had just had one of those instances. He and his cabinet had spent the entire morning discussing the founding of their nation and its independence in order to plan for the yearly celebrations and Canada had suffered through the whole time feeling every second of his age press against him.
When talks finally drew to a close and he could escape, Canada dragged his ancient body towards the centre of town. England and France were visiting, along with the rest of the UN, and he’d promised to meet them both for lunch before they too were pulled into an afternoon of far more internationally inclined meetings.
If he were honest with himself, what Canada really wanted to do was go home and watch TV; switch his brain off so that he could numb himself with bad reality shows. It was a good pastime that he enjoyed with guilty abandon and one that he would much rather have preferred doing. However, he’d made a promise and Canada was nothing if not a nation of his word.
Sadly.
England and France were already there when he arrived, tucked away in a corner table. France glanced up as the door jingled with his entrance, waving him over with a smile. Canada nodded at the waiter who motioned him through and settled himself down in a chair at their table between them.
‘Good afternoon,’ France greeted him with his usual cheek kisses, hair tickling Canada’s nose as he leant in close, ‘you arrived just on time, I was about to throw Arthur out of the window.’
‘You wish,’ England looked up from his phone and shot him a quick, but warm smile, ‘Hello Matthew.’
Canada’s heart sank. He really wasn’t in the mood to play mediator today, ‘Dare I ask why?’ he said, turning to France.
France gave an effortless shrug and settled back in his seat, ‘Do I really need a reason?’
‘Yes.’
Both England and Canada spoke at once and France gave a sly grin, ‘I won’t darling, you don’t deserve the trouble,’ he patted Canada’s knee soothingly and politely ignored England’s muttered “as if you could” from across the table, ‘but the idiot seems to think he’s correct about something which he very much is not.’
‘Oh, of course,’ England retorted immediately, ‘you can’t remember properly but I’m the one who’s wrong.’
‘Yes.’
‘No.’
‘What is it?’ Canada interjected quickly. The waiter who had greeted him at the door was shooting their table looks of alarm out of the corner of his eye and Canada smiled at him apologetically, ‘Maybe I could help.’
To his surprise, England and France shared a look, something unspoken passing between them, ‘You weren’t about yet,’ offered France, sounding apologetic.
‘When was it?’
‘Oh, not too long ago,’ England waved a hand airily, ‘only six hundred years or so.’
Canada blinked, ‘Six hundred?’
‘Or there abouts,’ England frowned again, ‘I’m not sure when exactly, but I know France is wrong.’
France scoffed, ‘You can’t remember when it is, but you know I’m wrong?’
‘Obviously. I know it was about fifty years after Agincourt, I’m not sure of exactly when but-‘
‘Well, there you go! You’ve muddled it up with something else.’
‘I haven’t! You held that ball, the one with the fucking shit tonne of flowers everywhere, and were displaying those golden goblet things you were so damn proud of and I gave you that stupid painting-‘
‘No!’ France interjected angrily, ‘You took that painting and then were made to give it back.’
‘I didn’t! It was my bloody painting- Jesus fucking Christ,’ England held his head in his hands, ‘that’s not the point, I’m using that as a reference-‘
‘Yes well, pick a reference that has a grain of reality in it, would you?’
England opened his mouth to argue back again but Canada didn’t hear him, by now long tuned out of the conversation.
Only. Only six hundred years ago. Canada couldn’t even imagine that amount of time, couldn’t imagine having lived so long that six hundred years was considered to be a mere drop in the ocean.
But to these two, it was. England and France had both been alive for millennia, had known each other for that long and had been alive without each other for even longer before that.
Sitting next to them, his own existence suddenly felt like nothing, felt insignificant in the history of mankind. What had Canada seen, that these two had not? He couldn’t even begin to imagine. Three hundred years felt more than enough.
It hit him, then, how long most of their kind had lived. He’d realised this before, of course, but still the comprehension about the difference in age between him and most of the world left him dumbstruck anew. Fuck, what about China; Lord only knew how old he really was. There wasn’t a point in history that it didn’t seem as though China hadn’t been around to experience, even from across the world. Whole empires and civilisations had risen and fallen and most of the nations Canada knew had personally been involved in them somehow. It was astounding to consider all the people who had lived throughout the centuries that, to Canada, felt like nothing more than characters in a story.
What on earth was three hundred years to age like that? To history that felt so ancient to him, so disconnected that it didn’t really even feel real, but that was as normal to most nations as his own history was.
How many years would Canada have to live until three hundred was something he would describe as ‘only’?
‘Are you alright, lad?’ Canada was jolted out of his spiral to find England looking at him with concern, a hand on his arm.
‘Yeah, sorry,’ he shook his head, ‘it’s just- you’re both so old.’
England coloured and France laughed, ‘We’re not old,’ England jabbed a thumb in France’s direction, ‘Well, he is.’
‘It is more about how you feel and act, dear, that’s more important and in that regard, you are far older than I.’ France yelped suddenly as England kicked him under the table, ‘Does the truth sting, Arthur? Is that why you felt the need to vent your frustrations on me?’
‘As if I need more of a reason-‘
They began again, in earnest, but Canada let them continue uninterrupted, silently and guiltily enjoying the feeling of being a child once more.
---
AN:
I must admit that not much thought or plot went into this. I wanted to write something short and somewhat silly as a treat for spending most of yesterday editing. Ideally, one day I want to take this concept and explore it more with greater care and detail because I think it’s something a newer nation like Canada would really struggle with.
300 years is a long time, and I’m sure it must be hard for him to feel that age and then go and speak to anyone from the Old World and be met with the reality of how truly old their kind can be. Canada is a baby, despite the centuries he has collected for himself, and I feel like there would always be that conflict within him about how old he feels around humans comapred to how old he is next to other nations. Maybe this idea is best explored as a headcannon rather than a fic, but I had a fun time writing it.
Anyway, that is my tuppence worth- thank you for reading!
180 notes · View notes
greensaplinggrace · 3 years
Note
honestly THANK YOU for saying all that abt baghra bc i thought i was going crazy from not liking her??? bc i haven't read the books and only summaries of them on wiki and like. i dunno why ppl like her actually even in the show bc this guy, her son, is like "i wanna make the world better for us grisha" and she's just like "no." even tho he sees that she's MAKING HERSELF SICK from suppressing her powers! she's literally like in bed coughing in the flashback yet seem much healthier at the little palace. also like after everything, after her disapproval, after the fold, after centuries of waiting for the sun summoner.. he never abandons her. he makes sure she's cares for. he doesn't harm her. and i have to wonder if baghra has ever thanks him for that, for just not leaving her alone. like i dunno how im suppose ro believe aleks is a heartless villain when he still cares for his abusive mom like this. like has baghra even told her she loved him (honestly she reminds me of a classic emotionally unavailable asian parent but maybe that's just me). also im wondering if baghra ever told aleks that he had an aunt.. bc like.. now that u bring up her isolating him it's like hmmmm...
not at me being like alina... why do u trust the bitter old woman who literally beats u with a stick and verbally abuses u every chance she gets.. just bc she showed a bad painting... like.. pls use two braincells to see that who u figured out as his mother... is also using his protection..
like baghra could've upped and left with alina. but no. she stayed bc she knew she was safe under aleks's protection.
alsoim just impressed that after his first friend tried to drown him and harvest his bones... he didn't go into hiding???? he still wanted to make a safe heaven for grisha!!! HE STILL WANTED TO PROTECT GRISHA EVEN AFTER HIS GRISHA FRIEND TRIED TO KILL HIM FOR HIS FUCKEN BONES. like... this is the guy im suppose to believe is the villain???
honestly i feel like part of the reason why LB's plotlines seem so bad and disconnected (and sometimes outright racist but that's another rant) and why darkles is disproportionately more violent and villainous in the later books is bc she didn't expect the darkling to be so popular and wanted to stick with her guns of making him the villain. but also wanted the money from aleks's popularity. but like you can't have ur cake and eat it too.
Well thank you for sending this ask! It's very sweet and very passionate. I'm glad you liked my post! I didn't put as much thought into it as some of my others lol. I kind of just talked. But it was nice to be able to finally talk about some of the problems I have with both her character and the fandom/author's perception of her.
HERE is the post this is referring to, in case anyone's wondering.
👀👀 You've hit the nail on the head for so many things, here!
Baghra is extremely emotionally unavailable, basically to the point of neglect. She's also verbally and physically abusive, traits which I doubt were only reserved for her students and not her son. Baghra claims she would do anything to protect him, but I've known a lot of parents who have that mindset and yet still harm their children because they think it's "good for them".
Aleksander stays at Baghra's side for years, and even when they're opposing each other she's never too far away from him. Idk if you've read the books but he does eventually hurt her. And as much as I don't like Baghra, I think his actions were horrid. But I'm also honestly kind of surprised it took him so long lmao.
Yeah I mean, in terms of isolation, let's not forget that she never wanted to introduce him to his father, either. Baghra's sense of eternity clouds a lot of her judgments on relationships, which means she views most people as dust and therefore teaches her son to as well. The problem with that is that he's a growing child, and he needs those social and emotional attachments for healthy development.
I would bet quite a bit of money that Baghra has either never told him she loves him or she has told him so few times it's practically forgettable.
And everything becomes more complicated because so many of Baghra's actions are understandable because of her life and her history, but the impacts they have on the people around her, especially Aleksander, are permanently damaging. And the fact that that's never gone over in critical depth in the books or how it's glossed over in fandom is just very disconcerting. Like, acknowledging Baghra's failings doesn't mean we're excusing Aleksander's actions, it just means we're holding Baghra liable for her own. Which the fandom should be doing, considering she's the epitome of an abusive parental figure.
And Alina trusting Baghra over Aleksander is even more confusing! Especially in the show!! This is the woman who beat her and abused her and tortured her friends when they tiny little children (and who probably still does so now that they're adults). This is the woman who mocks you and harasses you and insults you on a regular basis. Why does Baghra revealing she's Aleksander's mother make Alina change her mind?! Like fuck, I'd just feel bad for Aleksander. No wonder he kept it a secret, I would too! And that painting is enough evidence?! Really?! A random painting shown to you by this abusive mentor that's been making your life hell. That's what you're going to betray your new lover over?
The friends trying to harvest his bones thing is a good point, too. I think Aleksander, especially show Aleksander, is incredibly idealistic. I think he cares too much for others - those he's deemed worth his care (a sentiment given to him by Baghra). Despite everything she's tried to teach him about hiding and abandoning others and never caring and never doing anything to help or reach out or connect with people, Aleksander still continues to do so. It's likely because he never got it from Baghra growing up, and so is desperate for those emotional needs to be fulfilled elsewhere.
His turning point, when Baghra tells him it was understandable that those kids tried to kill him because the world is such a hard place for them - that's crucial. And the reason it's possible as a motivating factor is because of that idealism and that desire to help and that desire to be everything his mother isn't. Baghra tells him this trauma he just experienced was because of the oppression of his people, and instead of following her lead and accepting that, going into hiding and abandoning everybody to their misery, he goes I can do something about that. I can make it so this never happens again. Which is usually how trauma like that combines with one's core personality traits at a young age, especially when there's none of the essential support systems in place to aid in recovery (ie, the role Baghra should have been filling but wasn't, because she decided to exacerbate the problem instead).
And yeah, one of my biggest problems with the ham-fisted "beating you over the head with a sledgehammer of evil deeds" look-how-bad-this-character-is! portrayal of the Darkling in the later books comes from the impression I get that Bardugo doesn't trust her readers. She's so desperate to have us hate this character and think him an irredeemable villain, not trusting any of her readers to engage critically with a morally gray character, that it feels quite a bit like condescending fucking bullshit. Which ew, I know how to engage with literature, thanks.
She really does seem to look down on a large part of her fandom, and imo, the infantilization of the female characters in her books seems to carry over to her impression of most of her female readers as well. Which is why the Darkling's character arc gets fucking destroyed. But he's still a good cash grab, of course, so she'll shake his dead corpse in front of the fandom for money every time she wants something from it.
Also! Another reason I think her plotlines feel disconnected (I'm sorry Bardugo I respect you as a person, but shit-) is because the writing in SaB is just bad. I mean, nevermind the absolutely nauseating implications of the way she portrays the Grisha as a persecuted group who's situation is never actually fully addressed as it should be, considering Grisha rights is what her main villain is fighting for (imo for a series called the Grishaverse, LB seems to be pretty anti Grisha), but her characters and story alone are just wrong for each other. They don't fit together.
And the ending is one of the main pieces of evidence in that regard! You can’t say the ending where Alina isn’t Grisha anymore is her “going back to where she started” when she’s always been Grisha. She just didn’t know she was Grisha because she denied that part of herself that she was born with.
Alina is reluctant to move forward or change, she struggles with adapting, and she’s very set on the things she’s grown attached to throughout her life. She also has some latent prejudices against the Grisha, and so denies the possibility of being Grisha for those reasons as well.
Alina’s lack of powers in the beginning of her life because she willfully doesn’t learn about them to avoid change versus her lack of powers at the end of the book when she’s accepted them and then they’re stripped away from her by outer forces are two entirely separate circumstances. You can’t make a parallel about lost powers and lack of Grisha status bringing her back to the start when she was always Grisha and she always had powers and she simply refused to come to terms with it because of personal reasons.
The first situation is an internal conflict that indicates a story about growth and a journey of self acceptance. Denying herself the opportunity to learn about her heritage and to find acceptance with a group of people like her because she’s tied to the past and because of the way she was raised is the setup for a narrative that tackles unlearning prejudice and learning how to connect with a part of her identity that was denied her and learning how to grow independent and self assured. It’s the setup for a different story entirely. The second situation is an external conflict that centers around the ‘corrupting influence of power’... for some reason.
In a world where Grisha do not have social, political, or economic power and they are hunted, centering your heroine’s journey of self acceptance and growth around an external conflict about... the corrupting influence of power (in a group of people that don’t actually have any power?!) just doesn’t work. It is literally impossible to connect the two stories Bardugo is trying to push in Shadow and Bone without seriously damaging the main character’s developmental arc.
The only way a narrative like this would work, claiming that she has gone back to where she started, is either a) if the Grisha weren’t actually a persecuted group and instead were apart of the upper class, or b) if the one bad connection between the two instances is acknowledged - that Alina denied a part of herself crucial to self acceptance and growing up, and that losing her powers at the end has also denied her. It is a tragedy, not a happy ending.
Alina suffered because she didn’t use her powers. She grew sick. It was bad for her. This was not a resistance to 'the corruption of power and the burden of greed', it was her suffering because she couldn’t fully accept herself.
Framing the ending as a return to the beginning can’t be done if you don’t address how bad the beginning was for your main character. You brought her back to a bad point in her life. You regressed her. This should be a low point in her arc. It should be a problem that’s solved so she can finish developing organically or it should be something that is acknowledged as a tragedy in it’s own right, for the future the world (the writing) denied her.
This is a ramble and it makes no sense and I’m really sorry, but my point is that Bardugo put the wrong characters in the wrong story. The character arc required for organic development doesn’t match the story and intended message at all. The narrative doesn’t fit the cast. She's got two clashing stories attempting to work in tandem and she ends up with both conflicting messages that fans still can’t comprehend in her writing and an ending that doesn’t suit her main character to such an impossible degree that it’s almost laughable.
So yeah, there's a few reasons why I think the story and the plot feels so bad and disconnected. I hope you don't mind me making this answer so long! 😅 I was not expecting to write this much.
177 notes · View notes
akaluan · 3 years
Text
Kisuke's wings are an aberration in that they don't seem to exist.  Yet he can absolutely still fly and it confuses the hell out of people.  What is actually happening is his wings are made of energy that isn't normally visible to humans/shinigami but hollows can see it.  Ichigo also ends up being able to see them. And is therefore very confused when people tell him Kisuke has no wings.
-- prompt from Discord user Yuurei
---
There’s something bothering Rukia.
Ichigo casts her a sidelong look as they leave the Urahara Shoten, wondering what about the place — or the residents — has gotten under her skin. This isn’t the first time she’s returned from the Urahara Shoten with a crease between her brows and her delicate, ice-pale wings tucked tight against her back, but he still has no idea what she’s reacting to.
Sure, Hat’n’Clogs is an oddball and the definition of shady, but the man doesn’t seem to be lying to them about anything: avoiding the entire truth, yes, but Ichigo hardly expects honesty out of a man like that.
(Urahara seems the sort to have a past, and Ichigo’s seen what that does to a person.)
(So long as the man doesn’t betray them, Ichigo doesn’t care.)
Rukia catches his glance and huffs, crossing her arms over her chest and muttering, “I’ll tell you when we get home.”
“Alright,” Ichigo agrees easily, not in any rush to force Rukia to speak of whatever’s been bothering her; it hasn’t affected their work so far, so he’s content with not knowing.
(Even if it’s driving him to distraction trying to figure out what’s wrong.)
Still, it doesn’t take long for them to get home and head up to his room, where Rukia immediately hurls herself down on his bed and props her chin on her crossed arms. Her delicate wings flutter and then still, and she grimaces a bit as she slants a glance at him and says, “I don’t know how you can just… just not react to Urahara-san.”
Ichigo blinks in surprise, then tugs the chair out from under his desk and straddles it, crossing his arms over the back and resting his chin atop them. “Not sure what you mean,” he tells her honestly. “I react to Hat’n’Clogs being… *Hat’n’Clogs* every time we go there. It’s hard not to, you know?”
Rukia scowls at him. “I mean his lack of wings!”
“His— what?” Ichigo pauses to digest Rukia’s words, wondering what the hell is up that she can’t see Urahara’s frankly gigantic wings. The man doesn’t even attempt to hide them, with the way he constantly rustles and flares and gestures with them as he talks; in fact, Urahara’s wings are a better judge of his mood and honesty than anything *else* about him, which is…
Well, now that Ichigo thinks about it, it’s a bit weird, isn’t it?
In Ichigo’s experience, the shadier a person, the better control they tend to have over their wings. Urahara though is like… like Yuzu, almost, without any real filter between his mind and his wing motions. Between that and the way Urahara’s wings ripple with color as he talks, Ichigo’s been feeling pretty confident on his read of the man lately.
“Do you— doesn’t everyone have wings?” Rukia asks as she sits up a bit. “All the humans I’ve seen so far do!”
Ichigo stares at her for a moment, then slowly asks, “You really don’t see any wings on his back?”
“No!” Rukia exclaims, then narrows her eyes at him and asks, “Wait, you see wings on him?”
“Yeah, I just… thought his whole ‘I’m a shady shopkeeper, look at me’ routine was bothering you,” Ichigo admits a touch wryly. “The disconnect between the words he’s speaking and what his wings are saying can be jarring until you get used to reading him.”
Rukia gapes at him in shock, then tumbles off his bed and darts over to latch onto his arm, practically yanking him out of his chair as she marches towards the door. “Come on,” she demands as she pulls him out of his room. “We’re going back to the shoten and figuring out what’s going on right now.”
“I don’t think—” Ichigo cuts himself off with a sigh and lengthens his stride to catch back up to her, knowing he’s not going to be able to talk her out of anything when she’s in a mood like this. He gives Yuzu a sheepish smile and a wave as they cross the main room and go right back outside.
(He just hopes Urahara doesn’t take offense at anything that’s about to happen.)
(It’s hard to tell with the man sometimes, even with the tells that his wings give off.)
Rukia pulls him to a stop the instant they come within sight of the shoten, and Ichigo immediately sees why: Urahara is outside talking with Jinta, his back to them and his wings partially flared for balance. He seems in a relatively good mood, Ichigo judges as he takes in the crimson feathers laced with gold. There’s no sign of any of the colors Ichigo’s learned to be wary of, though there’s no telling how long that will last.
“Do you really see wings on him?” Rukia hisses at Ichigo.
“Yeah. You don’t?” Ichigo gives Hat’n’Clogs a thoughtful look, trying to figure out if Urahara’s wings are some sort of… who knows. Illusion, maybe?
(But why an illusion that only Ichigo can see?)
(Or maybe that only Ichigo can see through?)
(… no, that makes even less sense.)
“No!” Rukia grumbles as she leans closer, her eyes narrowed and her attention honed down to a laser focus that Ichigo… actually sort of feels sorry about.
If there really is something weird going on with the man’s wings, Ichigo kind of regrets bringing attention to it; he knows what it’s like to be singled out for something he can’t — won’t — change about himself, and he honestly wouldn’t wish that sort of attention on anyone.
Hat’n’Clogs notices them quickly, his wings closing tight against his back as he rises to his feet and turns to greet them. “Maa, the two of you are back sooner than I expected. Do you need anything else?”
Ichigo eyes the way Urahara’s wings are twitching and the spots of blue-violet that are creeping in across the crimson, then clamps a hand on Rukia’s shoulder and says, “Nah, we were just out for a walk,” despite the offended hiss that Rukia aims at him.
Acid green blooms across Urahara’s wings, though the man’s expression doesn’t betray whatever emotion he’s feeling; a variant on surprise, Ichigo suspects, though he’s not quite sure what exactly acid green might indicate.
(He’s already discarded any preconceptions he has about what colors mean what emotions.)
(Urahara just doesn’t fit into any neat box no matter how Ichigo considers him.)
(Which is perfectly fine, he didn’t really expect the man to, but it still means he’s feeling his way through the dark.)
(Well, he’ll learn.)
“Ah, well, if you do end up needing anything…” Hat’n’Clogs says leadingly, his gaze lingering on Rukia for a moment before sliding back to Ichigo; it’s clear he’s expecting them to say something about his wings — is expecting them to comment on his wings — and that just makes Ichigo all the more intent on not.
“We’ll keep it in mind,” Ichigo declares before Rukia can speak up, then pinches her shoulder just in case.
“Ichigo!” Rukia yelps with a scowl, swatting at his arm.
Ichigo snorts and jerks his head in the direction of home. “Come on, dinner’s about ready,” he says mildly. “You wouldn’t want to make Yuzu sad by missing it, would you?”
Rukia’s scowl deepens and she wavers for a moment, casting a confused look at Hat’n’Clogs, before she gives in with a sigh and pushes past him. “Fine,” she mutters. “But we’re talking about this later.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Ichigo says with a shrug, already expecting a long, rambling lecture from her about… whatever it is he’s stumbled across this time. Not that he particularly minds; it’s interesting to try and piece together what Soul Society is like from the hints she accidentally drops during each one. So far, he’s picked up on a rather telling divide between the noble houses and the average Shinigami, along with some disturbing hints on how loosely regulated the Divisions are, and a whole host of other tiny details that he’s pretty sure Rukia has no idea she’s giving away.
He’s pretty sure this will reveal a whole new array of details about how Shinigami feel about an individual’s wings, which will give him some idea on how they’ll expect him to act if he ever meets other Shinigami.
Still… it’s strange that she can’t see Urahara’s wings; maybe he’ll ask his friends, see what they say about it.
(The mystery kind of suits the man, if Ichigo’s being honest.)
(Who knew there were invisible wings out in the world?)
(Weird.)
88 notes · View notes
kalinara · 3 years
Text
On Aspec Identities
I’ve “joked” before that I know that it’s Pride Month, because as soon as June 1 comes around, I suddenly get to see a wonderful flood of aphobic bullshit on my dash.  
Sometimes the people who reblog this shit aren’t themselves exclusionists.  At least I’d like to think they aren’t, given that they’re mutuals who follow me, but out of ignorance, they join in on mocking what they don’t understand.
My block button gets a nice workout during Pride.
Anyway, since I do think (hope) that some of the people reblogging this nonsense do so because they are genuinely clueless, I’m inspired to write this post.
--
It’s very common, during Pride and otherwise, to see people mock the idea of aspec identities.  For example, “fraysexual”, in which people only experience sexual attraction to people they don’t know very well, for example, celebrities.
It’s very common to see otherwise well-meaning people mock this idea.  “I’m attracted to Chris Hemsworth!  Does this mean I’m suddenly LGBTQ?!”
I don’t want to attack their reading comprehension, of course, but they’re missing something obvious in that definition: the word “only”.
If you are a woman and you are attracted to Chris Hemsworth, then you’re probably straight.  Or bi.  But if you’re ONLY attracted to Chris Hemsworth and NO OTHER MEN in the world...then maybe something else is going on.
Lesbians will often talk about compulsory heterosexuality and that’s a thing that asexual people experience too.  Society has an expectation of allo-straightness and it’s very hard to define a negative, so it’s very common for a young person to express attraction to a fantasy, someone safely out of reach.  Most of us will never meet Chris Hemsworth in real life, certainly we’ll never get invited to have sex with him, so we don’t really have to parse through whether this is something we really want to do.  And well, if we’re not interested in the real life men that we know, it’s probably because they just don’t measure up.
Now, I think lesbians have one advantage in this case that asexual people don’t have.  And that’s that they do feel attraction to women.  It’s suppressed, and it may take a lot of time to realize it, but it’s there.  And once you feel the real thing, I think that it makes it easier to see the “attraction” to Chris Hemsworth for what it is.
Most asexual people don’t have a “real thing” to put the fantasy and cultural programming into perspective.  It’s very hard to define a negative, and often you end up doing that by defining everything else around out.  That blank space is what’s left.
And that’s why aspec identities exist: because society has a really complicated relationship with sexuality in general.  A physical sex drive can complicate matters too.  Because that’s a thing that most people have.  Hormones and gonads and all that.  And if you think growing up with all those impulses is confusing already, try it when you don’t have a sexual orientation to direct it.
So that’s, I think, where a lot of these identities come from.  Identities like fraysexual and lithsexual (sexual attraction ONLY if it’s not reciprocated) sound weird to an outside observer, until you understand that the end goal is not to have sex!  The end goal is to process what we’re feeling and not feeling and define it for ourselves.  
As a young person, I didn’t know I was asexual.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  I’d grasp at straws and think to myself that I must be straight, because I liked slash fanfiction.  Because I liked erotica.  Clearly I just never really had the opportunity to have sex.  I have very specific trait preferences.
And then the invitation came!  From someone who was objectively very attractive.  He* was beautiful, a live action and real life version of the characters I’d read about, amazingly smart, great sense of humor.  I’d fantasized about them for a long time before this moment.  (More accurately, I should say “They” as later, they came out as non-binary.  At the time though, I’d believed them to be male, just as I’d believed myself to be female.  People are complicated.)
The fantasy was real!  There was no better time!  And....all I could feel was a resounding “NO.”  I liked them a lot.  But...no.  No.  (They took the refusal with good grace, they were really great!)  The aftermath was rough on me though, because I no longer could fool myself.
I don’t consider myself lithsexual or fraysexual because in my case, the attraction wasn’t so much to the person as to the fantasy of being straight.  But people come in all variations, and we can only really define ourselves.
Ultimately, aspec identities aren’t about you unless they apply to you.  But for us, they can be a literal lifesaver.  I spent a long time thinking I was broken.  Why could I feel a sexual response when reading erotica but not want to have sex?!  Obviously I can’t be asexual if I feel SOMETHING, right?
And then, and then, at the age of thirty or so, I stumbled across the concept of autochorissexuality.  The idea of a disconnect between self and sexual desire.  And I realized, wait.  There I am.  You can’t imagine the sense of relief.
THAT’s why these identities exist.  It doesn’t MATTER if you understand them.  It doesn’t MATTER if you think they’re valid.  They’re for US, not you.  And it costs exactly 0 dollars to shut the fuck up about something that has nothing to do with you.
142 notes · View notes
the-iceni-bitch · 3 years
Text
Puppy Love
Pairing: Jake Jensen/Fem-Reader
Words: 4684
Summary: You and Jake Jensen work together for the first time on a recon mission. You’re the consummate professional, while Jake is basically a man-child with a heart of gold. Will he be able to soften your cold demeanor?
Warnings: Explicit language, explicit sexual content, explicit descriptions of violence, SMUT, 18+
A/N: I ended up be a little later than I had planned with this one as I wanted to do some edits since the first draft didn’t seem quite right to me, but here it is, for day 5 of my birthday week. I actually watched “The Losers” for the first time today and I would highly recommend it. It’s a bit on the cheesy side but Jake Jensen really makes it worth it. I’m going to tag @stargazingfangirl18​ and @starlightcrystalline​, as I know they’re fans of Jake’s. Please enjoy!
Tumblr media
“What’s he look like again?”
“Golden retriever in human form, blond buzz, goatee, Harry Potter glasses.” Aisha instructed you over your phone. “Probably stuffing his face at the buffet. He’ll have a comm for you. Thanks for stepping in for me at the last minute.”
“Well, you didn’t give me that much of a choice.” You said, no real malice behind it. You did owe her after all. “Found him. Talk to you in a sec.”
She had been right, you found your contact at the buffet, balancing two plates on one forearm and loading them with an obscene amount of h’ors douvres. He didn’t notice you walking up behind him, he was so engrossed in the spread.
“Jensen?”
The man nearly jumped out of his skin, just barely avoiding spilling foie gras on his tux.
“Shit.” He muttered under his breath as he set the plates down on a table and turned back to you. “Y/N? Hi! Call me Jake!” He wiped his hands on his pants leg before offering you one to shake in greeting.
You cocked one eyebrow at him as he gave you a slightly crooked grin and took his hand. “Right, you have a comm for me?”
“Crap, yes, here you go.” He handed the small earpiece and gave you a good look, eyes scanning up and down your body. You were wearing a long sleeve green satin gown. The bodice hugged you tightly down to your hips before flaring into a skirt that had a slit running all the way up your leg. The gown didn’t have a back, showing off the lean muscles moving beneath your skin.
Jensen cleared his throat and took what you thought was supposed to be a nonchalant pose; leaning back on one foot with his arms crossed, one eyebrow lifted in an expression you couldn’t identify. “So,” he said in an artificially deep voice. “Where, uh, where are you from?”
You rolled your eyes and ignored the question as you inserted the comm link into your ear. “Comm test, can you read me, Aisha?”
“I read you, I see you found Jensen.”
“Yeah, where are we heading?”
“Right down to business, I can respect that.” Jensen said, nodding his head as he shuffled his feet and crossed and uncrossed his arms repeatedly, trying to give off an air of confidence and failing miserably.
“There’s a hallway to your left that should lead to the north wing of the property where the entrance to the server room is. Security is pretty lax right now but they’re definitely still there so make sure you don’t look suspicious.”
“Got it.” You turned back to Jensen and put one arm through his, giving him a radiant smile as the two of you started to head down the hall.
“Hahaha, what’s happening?” Jensen laughed nervously at your sudden and extreme change in demeanor.
“Relax, Jensen. We’re just taking a stroll to look at the artwork. Nothing that should concern anyone.”
“Oh, ok. Are you acting right now? You’re really good at it.”
Your smile started to strain. Wasn’t this guy supposed to be a professional? “That’s part of the job.” You grabbed a glass of champagne from one of the waiters before you headed down the hallway. You nodded to Jensen to grab one as well, hoping that if he started drinking, he might stop talking.
You were wrong.
“I always feel so awkward when I have to act on a job, you know? Like, what’s my character’s story? His motivations?” He took a sip of champagne. “Mm, this is good.”
You chugged your glass in one gulp. Maybe if you got a buzz going, the constant chatter wouldn’t bother you as much.
“Wow. That was impressive.”
“Jensen, Y/N is too much of a pro to say so, but you need to shut the fuck up.” Aisha said through your comms, exasperated. You heard laughing from the rest of the team in the background and gave a small smirk.
“Right, sorry. I babble when I’m nervous.” He said, taking another sip of champagne.
You were getting close to the server room now and saw a security guard walking towards you. You pulled Jensen off to the side and stared at a beautiful replica of John William Waterhouse’s ‘The Soul of the Rose’.
“Tell me about this one, sweetie.” You said, your voice sickeningly sweet as you giggled breathlessly and looked at Jensen coquettishly, fluttering your eyelashes at him.
“Uhh, this is a painting of… a woman, um, smelling a rose. From…. Sometime in the past?” He said, painfully.
Fortunately, the guard didn’t stop to analyze the absolute stupidity that was coming out of this man’s mouth. He continued past the two of you and you started to head back towards your destination.
“Fascinating analysis, Jensen.” You said dryly.
“Listen, I can’t ad lib. I need time to prepare my lines.”
“How have you survived in this… fuck.” You drew him back sharply before he had a chance to round the corner. There were two guards posted at the door to the server room. “Aisha, we’ve got two bogies right where we need to be. Is there any other way in?”
“Shit, no. Vents are welded shut and the roof is crawling with security, so the sky light isn’t an option.”
You chewed your lips as you weighed the several different scenarios. “Is there a closet or other sort of storage nearby?”
“Yeah, there’s a janitor’s closet right across the hall.”
“Great.” Not trusting your partner to act the part believably, you figured startling him would get him into a convincing state.
You grabbed his ears and pulled his face to yours, kissing him hard. He gave a small yelp into your mouth as you pulled him backwards with you, into the view of the two waiting guards. You separated from him and he gave you a goofy grin trying to kiss you again as you turned away from him, pulling him by his wrist and giggling.
You staggered drunkenly towards the two guards and gave them a sloppy grin. “’Scuse me.“ You slurred at them. Jensen collided into your back clumsily, panting breathlessly. “We’re looking for the bathroom.”
“You need to move out of this area.” One of the guards scowled at you, his hand moving to the gun holstered on his hip.
“How… dare you?” You whined, stepping forward and poking him in the chest. “Do you even know who you’re talking to? Do you know who my daddy is?”
The guard looked past you at Jensen. “Sir, you need to take her out of here.”
“Don’t you talk over me!” You dug your hand in your purse. “I’m calling daddy right now, you are going to be so fired.”
He rolled his eyes and moved to grab your arm when you pulled the syringe out of your purse and plunged it into his neck. He let out a hiss and slumped against the wall. You pulled his gun out of the holster and whipped the other guard across the face with it before he had a chance to reach for his radio.
“Wait, was that not a real kiss?” Jensen asked with a confused look on his face. He stared at the two guards lying on the floor, his brain trying to catch up with everything that just happened.
“Oh my god, Jensen, get your head in the game.” Aisha scolded through the comms.
“Help me get them into the closet.” You hissed at him after you managed to gag and hogtie both of them.
“Right.” You shoved the guards into the tiny storage area and forced the door closed. Jensen moved to the key pad and connected it to his phone, a look of concentration coming over his face as he got to work.
You rolled your neck loosely as you waited and in less than a minute he made a small triumphant noise.
“Jensen comes in in the clutch and the crowd goes wild!” He made a noise like cheers in a stadium and put his hand up to give you a high five.
You opened the door to the server room and headed in, leaving him hanging. You heard him slap his own hand before he followed you. “So serious.” You heard him whisper over the comms. “ ‘Good job Jensen. And by the way that kiss was amazing, let’s do it again.’ “
“We can hear you, idiot.” Aisha said in your ears, her tone dripping with annoyance.
“Oops.”
“Where’s the server we want?” You asked him over your shoulder.
“This way.” He led you down an aisle to your right before arriving at the server you needed, pulling a small tablet out of his tux jacket and connecting it. “This should just take a few minutes.”
“Great.”
“So, um, how do you know Aisha?” he said, trying to fill the silence.
“High school.” You said flatly.
“Oh, really? That long?”
“No.”
“Of course not. She mentioned something about Finland?”
“Yep.”
“So, snowy there, huh?”
“Sure is.”
“Oook.” He felt horribly awkward. He knew he had no game, but dealing with women like you and Aisha really cemented that. He turned his concentration back to the algorithm that was running and started singing Bon Jovi to himself.
You rolled your eyes. You couldn’t believe Aisha worked with this man-child. He must be a genius with computers for her to put up with this bullshit. Granted, he filled out that tux real nice; his broad shoulders stretching the back of the jacket in a titillating way before his torso narrowed in an almost perfect V to his hips. The jacket covered it some, but you could tell he had a nice ass under the slacks as well. Maybe she kept him around for the eye candy.
“Wanted, wantehehed, dead or alive! And done!” He finished up, disconnecting from the server and turning to give you another goofy grin.
You smirked at him and started to head back out of the room.
“Was that an almost smile, Y/N?” he said teasingly behind you. “Are you warming up to me?”
“Please stop talking,” You told him half-heartedly, too mentally exhausted to really scold him.
You turned the corner and ran into three armed guards. You all stared at each other for a second before they drew their guns and brought them up to fire.
You shoved Jensen behind the servers and dove after him as bullets started ricocheting everywhere.
“We’re blown, Aisha! We need an exit.”
“Shit, hold them down while I work something out.”
“Got it. You armed, Jensen?” You looked at him as you slipped out of your heels.
“Fuck, no. I was worried a gun would ruin the lines of my tux.”
“That is so fucking stupid.” You hissed. Of course, you hadn’t brought a gun either, but that was because you knew the venue’s security measures would have gone into hyper drive if you had gotten caught with one. You shoved your shoes into Jensen’s arm along with your purse as you pulled out a ceramic blade from under your skirt.
“Where were you keeping that?” Jensen asked you, eyes bulging as he tried to imagine where you could have been storing the giant knife in your skintight dress.
You gave him a grunt as you edged your way between the servers slowly, moving closer to the gunman as they shuffled forward, continuing to fire at the two of you.
You reached the server next to the nearest gunman and shot your arm out to knock the gun out of his hand. You brought a knee up into his diaphragm and plunged your knife in between his shoulders and then his neck, slipping back between the servers as he dropped to the floor.
The other two guards seemed to remember suddenly that they were in a room full of delicate computer equipment and they stowed their weapons, dropping into fight ready stances as they tried to determine where you were.
You shot out like a whip, punching the first guard in the gut then the throat and grabbing him around the waist to tackle him. You used the momentum to carry you forward and delivered a scorpion kick to the other man’s face, making him stagger back into the servers, clutching his nose. The first man wasn’t going down, so you released him and sprung off one leg to push off a server wall and whip the opposite foot around to drive into his face hard, sending him sprawling as you landed on one knee beside him, plunging your knife into his chest.
“Jesus, Jensen what’s happening?” Aisha yelled over the comms.
“Uhh, Y/N is kicking some serious ass.” Jake watched you stand up slowly from the second body, spinning your knife through your fingers as you turned to face your final opponent.
“Well both of you need to get to the skylight ASAP for extraction, Pooch’ll be there with a chopper in exactly one minute.”
“Got it. You get that, Y/N?”
“Yeah, just a second.” You jumped up to grab one of the pipes running along the ceiling and wrapped your thighs around the guard’s neck, squeezing him hard enough to cut off blood and oxygen to his brain. You didn’t notice him draw a knife of his own from a sheath at his thigh.
Jake hissed when he saw and grabbed the gun the first guard had dropped, shooting your opponent three times in his chest before he had a chance to slash across your femoral artery. You landed on your feet as he dropped between your legs.
“Nice shot.” You told Jake, giving him an approving nod as the two of you started to jog to the extraction point.
“Aww, shucks.” Jake groaned internally at that, not wanting to think about how stupid he sounded.
“We’re here.” You told Aisha over the comm.  “How exactly is Pooch getting us out of here? There’s no room on the roof for a chopper.”
“He’s going to drop you a line.”
“Great.” The skylight was purely for show, there was no way to open it. You pushed Jake back and took the gun from him when you heard chopper blades, and shot the glass out of the window.
A rope dropped through the opening immediately and Jake wrapped his right leg and arm through it before holding you to him with his left arm.
“Hi.” He said sheepishly as he looked at you. “Wait, weren’t there guards on the roof?”
You didn’t get a chance to answer as the two of you were lifted into the air as the chopper took off. You heard gunfire and saw muzzle flashes before you were exposed to the open air.
A bullet ripped through the air less than 6 inches from your face and Jake swore. “Don’t drop me.” You told him as you started firing at the guards on the roof, making sure to pick your shots carefully so you didn’t waste any bullets.
Once you were safely out of gun range, someone in the chopper started pulling the two of you up. Jake gave a melodramatic sigh once the two of you were safely inside, laying back against the floor, still holding you to him, before he let out a whoop and sat up quickly, releasing you. He watched you with one of those ridiculous grins on his face as you settled yourself into one of the seats.
“That was exciting!” He said giddily. “Cougar, you should have seen it. Y/N took out three guys with guns with just a knife and, like, her legs.”
You couldn’t help it, that damn smile of his was too infectious. Your lips curled up slightly as he narrated the fight to a disinterested Cougar, leaning you head back against the chopper. The idiot had grown on you.
“And, hoo, when you kicked that one guy in the face, while you were tackling the other guy. Man, that was fucking ace!” He finished up his narration as you landed back at the warehouse.
Clay and Aisha greeted you when you landed. Aisha let out a deep breath once she saw to two of you step out of the chopper, tension leaving her body.
“You two get it done?” Clay asked.
“We sure did, boss! Backdoor is open for us anytime!” Jake said excitedly.
“Perfect, let’s all get some drinks.”
“Glad you’re ok, Y/N.” Aisha said, handing you a shot of tequila when you arrived at the basic bar set up.
“Well, we’re officially even now.” You told her around a grin before tossing back your shot and pouring another.
“Don’t worry, I won’t ask you for any more favors.” She said through a smile of her own.
“Aw, c’mon, Aisha. The two of us make a pretty killer team! I think she should maybe join our little loser club!” Jensen draped an arm around your shoulder. He had undone his bowtie and the top few buttons of his shirt, exposing a light dusting of dark hair at the top of his chest. He looked down at you and gave you a grin and a wink.
Well, fuck.
You slammed your second shot back, nodded to Aisha, and pulled Jake by his wrist to follow you to one of the side rooms of the warehouse as he gave you a look of confusion.
“Have fun, you two. Don’t break him, Y/N!” You heard Aisha call behind you.
“Um, what are we doing?” Jake asked as you pulled the door to one of the storage rooms closed behind you.
“Stop talking, before I change my mind.” You told him, placing a finger over his lips as you slid his tux jacket off his shoulders.
You stepped into him, your body pressing him into the door as you brought his face to yours for a kiss before he could start babbling again. You teased at his lips with your teeth before running your tongue around the cushion of his bottom lip and he opened himself to you, groaning into your mouth. He kneaded his hands into your hips, pulling you against him close. You felt him starting to harden through his pants and gave him a sigh before you started moving your mouth down his jaw to his neck as you started to unbutton his shirt.
“Shit.” He murmured as you lightly sucked against his pulse point, drawing a soft bruise against his skin as your hands finished their work on his buttons and he shrugged his shirt off. You stepped back to let him remove his undershirt too and gave a moan when his torso was fully exposed, running your fingers over his abs lightly before pressing your palms against the plain of his chest.
“Mmm, who knew you were packing all this under here sweetie.” You murmured before moving your mouth back to his neck before you started slowly traveling south.
“Um, Y/N? Is this just like, a post-mission type thing? Or what?” His voice cracked when your tongue ran over his nipple as you tweaked the other. You kept moving down his abs until you reached the top of his pants and started to undo his belt, kneeling in front of him. “Not that there’s any pressure, or anything, just curio-- mmph.”
You had slipped your panties off as he chattered away and shoved them in his mouth before you went back to undoing his fly.
“Seriously, Jake, you need to shut the fuck up.” You pulled his zipper down finally, and drew his pants and boxers down his legs so they pooled around his ankles.
You gave yourself a little hum as you examined his cock. His swollen head was already leaking pre-cum before you had even touched him. You spat in your hand before wrapping it around his impressive length, giving him a few pumps as you lapped soft kitten licks over his slit. He gave a groan from deep in his chest and leaned his head back against the door, thumping his fist against it at his side.
You took the head of his cock in your mouth and hummed around it, causing him to twitch before you moved him further in and slowly back out, repeating the process to take him a little further into your mouth with each bob of your head.
Jake was using all his concentration to keep from coming 30 seconds into a blowjob like a chump. The tangy taste of your arousal was on his tongue as he bit down on your panties, which wasn’t helping. When you started breathing through your nose and relaxed your throat to swallow around him though, he was lost.
He let out a muffled groan and pressed a hand to the back of your head when he bucked his hips and shot his release down your throat.
You let his softening dick slide out of your mouth as you wiped a small amount of drool from around your mouth with your fingertips. You drew yourself up to your feet and plucked your now saliva soaked panties from his mouth before pulling him in for another kiss.
“Was that good for you, honey?” You asked, giving him a wicked smile as he rested his forehead against yours, panting as he came down from his orgasm.
“Fuck, yeah, that was good.” He said, kissing you again as his big hands pressed into the small of your back before moving their way up to your shoulders.
He slid the shoulders of your gown down your arms slowly and then down your hips once your arms were free. You stepped out of it as it pooled on the ground and he turned you suddenly until he had you pinned against the wall.
Jake took a step back and drank you in. He ran his hand over your hips and up your abdomen until he was cupping your breasts, gently running his thumbs over your nipples until they were raised to sensitive peaks.
“Mmhm, pretty girl.” He murmured as he palmed your breasts, making you gasp. “I’m gonna make you feel good too, baby.”
He removed his glasses and set them on the table behind him before stepping into you and curling his thick fingers over your mound. You bit your lip and moaned as he teased his way between your soft folds, brushing his fingers through the arousal at your entrance as he sank to his knees.
He pushed your lips apart gently, then dragged his tongue over your slit heavily, causing your knees to buckle when he found your clit. He moved one of your legs over his shoulder to keep you from falling as he started licking small circles over the tiny bud.
He shook his head from side to side to press himself deeper into you before sucking gently, making you cry out. His tongue entered your canal and he started to alternate between fucking you with it, and sucking on your clit.
You felt your core tightening as your orgasm built and you ground yourself into Jake’s face, begging him for more. He wrapped his lips around you tightly and sucked hard, and you felt the coil in your belly snap as you screamed his name and your release gushed all over his mouth and chin. You kept grinding against him as you came down and once you had finally finished, he gave you a wicked grin from between your legs before rising back up to kiss you.
You felt your desire stirring again already when you tasted yourself on his tongue and you let out a heavy sigh. He pressed himself into your front and lifted you until you could wrap your legs around his waist. He pressed his face into the hollow of your throat and softly nipped at the skin there. You gave a soft whine and gripped the back of his neck.
“You good with me fucking you against the wall, sweetheart?” He asked against your neck.
“Oh, fuck, yes.” You said breathlessly as he continued nuzzling you softly.
He kept you propped against the wall as he moved a hand between the two of you to line up at your entrance. You felt his tip brush against your folds and let out a sigh, trying to grind yourself into him.
He pulled his head up and gave you one of those grins before lowering you slowly onto his length. You moaned as you stretched over him until he was fully seated in you.
Jake gave a grunt and braced one hand against the wall before he started moving his hips, fucking his cock up into you roughly. His breath was hot against your neck as he panted in time with his thrusts, making you whimper softly in his ear.
“God, sweetheart, you’re so tight. This pussy feels so good.”
He started to pick up the pace then. You screwed your eyes shut and tilted your head back with a low moan, loving the full feeling he was giving you in this position. Jake lifted his head to look at you and watch as you took his cock, your tits bouncing each time he drove up into you. He bent his face down to nuzzle against them and you gasped as he drew his tongue over your nipple.
His cock was hitting your sweet spot each time and the position you were in had him rubbing right against your clit. You could feel yourself building towards an orgasm fast and dug your nails into the muscles of his back.
He felt you starting to flutter and clench around him and picked up the pace, adjusting the hand he had holding you up so your hips tilted just a bit and that small change sent you over the edge.
“Fuck, baby, that’s it!” You cried as every muscle in your body tightened and vibrated while your pleasure released violently. Jake kept his relentless pace up as you rode it out and you sagged against him when you came down.
You felt his hips start to stutter and then his dick was twitching inside of you, his cum filling you up until it was leaking out around his cock.
“Fuck, sorry.” He murmured against your hair as he held you to him. “I meant to pull out.”
You lifted his head up and slowly unwrapped yourself from him, placing your feet on the floor gently and almost collapsing on your shaky legs.
“That’s ok baby.” You said, giving him a reassuring pat on the cheek. You gave him a hungry kiss, painting the inside of his mouth with your tongue before whispering in his ear, “I love feeling your cum leaking out of my cunt.”
He gave a laugh that was on the hysterical side as you started to slip your gown back on. He was sliding into his pants when you turned back to him, and he gave you a sheepish grin. He found your panties as he was drawing his shirt off the ground and tried to hand them to you.
“Oh, sweetie, you keep those.” You told him with a throaty chuckle. “They can be a little souvenir.”
Fuck, that’s hot. He thought to himself as he tucked them into his back pocket.
“So, should we do this again sometime?” He asked awkwardly, not knowing what to say to you now. He definitely wanted to do it again. He wanted to do it a lot. But he was worried this was just a quick fling for you, a release after a stressful mission.
“Aww, puppy.” You pouted playfully at him. “We’ll do it again. Those stupid grins of yours have grown on me. I don’t think I have it in me to break your heart.”
He gave you one of those signature grins now as he pressed himself into your back and nuzzled in your hair. You whipped the door open and held his hand as you led him out to a chorus of whistles and catcalls, and he wore that stupid grin all night.
Permanent Tags:
@drabblewithfrannybarnes​
731 notes · View notes
ivyglow · 3 years
Text
Jealousy in a cliff | Frederik Andersen
A/n: I decided to mix both requests because that’s how my imagination wanted to lol -jk. It’s my first time writing smut in here, so I hope everything is ok, but you guys can always tell me if there’s anything wrong. Hope you like it! <3 ALSO, A huge shout out to @sebs-aston​ for proofreading this piece! (You’re amazing, Liv!) 
Request:  67 with freddie Andersen please!! Smut  Could you do 18 with Freddie Andersen? Maybe angst and smut? 18. “I didn’t realize I needed your permission” 67. “hey have you seen my- Oh.”
Word count: 2k
Warnings: pretty much just language, angst and smut (tight riding). 
Summary: you and freddie are best friends, at least before you move in together and that friendship become something more. 
Tumblr media
Usually, when people talk about sharing an apartment with a male friend, they picture messy clothes around, a very unkept home, and some headaches involved. However, that wasn’t yours and Freddie’s case, and sometimes you like to think that maybe -just maybe- that’s why things started to escalate past the strong friendship you two had. He wasn’t messy, he knew how to cook, he liked to listen to you talk about your Ph.D. degree, and he knew you since you were six. That alone gave him hundreds of points ahead because he was familiar with your personality, he was able to recognize when you were sad or happy or excited. 
You considered living by yourself when you first got the opportunity to continue your master’s in Toronto, but you liked to be around people, and living alone would feel lonely considering the amount of work you had to put up with, and add to that, it was expensive living in the heart of the city. So, as soon as you told Freddie where you were going -he was the first to know- he suggested you move in with him, and damn he knew exactly the arguments to convince you. 
Four months into living together and he was also able to convince you of the friends with benefits arrangement, and let’s face it, it wasn’t that hard to get you on this train. Frederik was handsome, experienced, and older,  to be honest, you always had a crush on him. 
It was now eight months of living together, which means four months of being more than his friend, and even though you liked how things were working, you couldn’t help but wish for more than his friend with benefits and you hated how secretive things were. Needless to say, you also couldn’t figure out the best way to discuss the subject, and that’s how you two ended up fighting last week (the cherry on top of the cake being him not inviting you as his plus one to a Leafs’ event). 
You’re in your room getting ready for the night because William was cute enough to invite you as his plus one. Taking a long look in the mirror to analyze your reflection, you sighed, the blue satin dress was the perfect fit, and the long cut from the top of your tights to your foot showed just the necessary amount to feed imaginations, you just needed to fix your hair, but somehow things did not feel quite right. 
You’re trying to pinpoint what’s wrong, if it’s about your situation with Fred or if it’s really something about your looks when he enters the room unannounced, “Hey, have you seen my- Oh”. His voice dies down on his throat when he looks at you and you feel a shiver runs down your body with the way he’s scanning you. 
“Hi,” you breathe out.
“Where are you going?” he looks taken aback and you hold back a sight.
“The same place as you,” you answer simply, and he raises his eyebrows, confusion written all over his face before you explain. “William invited me as his plus one.” 
“And you’re going?” now he seems upset. 
“Yeah?” you knew why he was upset, it wasn’t only the fact that you were going with another guy who happens to be his teammate, it was because the said guy also had a thing for you and was not even a bit concerned about hiding it. Since you and Freddie were nothing more than good childhood friends to everyone, Nylander did not see a problem hitting on you. 
“You know he likes you…” 
“And so does Mitch, Auston, Jimmy…” you start pointing out, trying to seem unbothered. 
“It’s different and you know,” Freddie crosses his arms in front of his body, the jacket of his suit clinging to his muscles. 
“We’re friends, there’s nothing wrong about it.”
“You’re not going with him.”
You turn from the mirror to face him, his jaw clenched. You hold your ground with a defiant look, “I didn’t realize I needed your permission.”
“Fuck,” he curses under his breath, a whisper yells that if in a different situation would leave your legs shaking. “It’s not like that. I’m sorry, it’s…” words seem hard for him to find, his silence does the same for you. Why couldn’t he see their relationship as what it was: a relationship. Or at least put more effort into reading you. 
“Then tell me how it is,” you say turning back to the mirror only to realize you were now ready, things would never seem one hundred percent right while you kept that situation on hold with your best friend, so you just grabbed your handbag along with your lipstick and left.
You uber to William’s house, trying not to overthink during the whole fifteen minutes ride. William was your friend, but not close enough so you could talk about Fred with him, and to be honest, the way you two handled things no friend seemed close enough to know about your complexity. When you got there Nylander was almost ready, asking for your advice on which tie to wear and you happily helped him out before you two finally left. 
The night rolled on with you mingling around, talking, laughing, and drinking. It wasn’t weird or anything since you already knew almost everyone, it actually felt good to distract your mind for a while with nice and friendly people. William eventually left and you talked a little more before excusing yourself to go to the bathroom. 
The corridor was empty and you enjoyed the click of your heels until you reached the door and got in, but before you could close it, a foot got stuck in the way. 
“Andersen, this is not the time to talk,” you hiss at him, but he seemed unbothered and determined. It was a five seconds stare contest before he got inside too and closed the door, locking it right after. “I mean it, we will talk at home…” you started. His big eyes staring at you knowingly almost made you wobble. 
“Who says I wanna talk?” he inquired and you felt your mouth go dry with the closeness and the faint idea that crossed your mind. An idea that clearly crossed his too.
“Listen, Frederik, I’m really not in the mood for games. Can you just be honest with me? What the fuck is going on with us? Why don’t you just-” your question was interrupted by his mouth in yours. You saw when his right hand left the whisky glass he was holding on the bathroom counter and his left one brought your body closer. His mouth was a mix of alcohol and with a hint of mint, they were cold and soft against your lips you let your tongue be guided. 
Now his right hand is on your shoulders, calloused and hot, playing with the strings of the dress before bringing it down to your elbow exposing one of your breasts to him. That’s the moment when he finally disconnects your lips, just seconds to be able to appreciate your body, the way it curves and bends towards him, how your sensitive nipples are already pointing to him. He licks his lips before kissing your shoulder, it’s soft, the complete opposite of the previous kiss, and the mix of feelings makes you whimper. You wanted him, wanted his mouth on you, his hands on you, but you also wanted more, you wanted the aggressive sex and the strong orgasms. 
“I missed having you close,” he confesses before trailing kisses from your collarbone to your neck and cheeks. You gasped, “Me too.” 
It’s seconds before your lips are connected again, and he moves one of his big tights between your legs. You almost moan at the feeling, he flexes it again when he feels your body’s response. 
“That doesn’t change the fact that we need to have a serious talk about our relationship,” you say when he lets go of your mouth to kneel in front of you. The vision of the mop of hair and strong legs in front of you almost made you dazed. 
“I’m counting on it, baby,” he remarks before his fingers find their way inside your dress. Freddie hooks his fingers to your panties before bringing them down to your ankles. You step aside and he puts the piece of lingerie inside his dress pants’ pocket. “But for now let me make you feel good.” 
Then his tights are between your legs again and this time the friction is more intimate, you whimper. “Freddie!” 
“I’m sorry for being such an asshole to you,” he whispers holding your butt and starting to guide your movements. It’s slow and steady and sexy and all you want to do is let your body go down the spiral that’s starting in the pitch of your bellybutton.
Freddie’s mouth finds your neck, the sweet spot just down your earlobe. He sucks and bites, before kissing it and the friction of his beard makes you want to jump too. Every touch of his, the sweet nothings he starts to say to your ear, his nose, and the way his breath is heavy against your skin.
You’re wet and he can feel it through the fabric of his pants. 
He keeps kissing you while guiding your body, at this point your clit is aching for relief and you move one of your hands to your breasts, pinching one nipple lightly. He sees the action and squeezes your butt tighter. With your eyes closed, you let yourself be guided closer to the cliff, drinking from every touch and sensation, he’s hard against you, he’s whispering and praising you and your body, and you can’t help but believe everything, to feel pretty and hot, and good, just like Freddie says. 
You also can’t help but agree that he’s the only one, no shame in that. 
“I love you,” he mumbles lowering his kisses until he is face to face with your breasts, your back arched to give him full access, one of his hands sprawled to keep you safe from falling. You gasped once you felt his cold mouth biting your nipple, tugging it to him, he kissed and savored like it was his last meal and your pussy clenched. 
He was getting you there.
“It’s messing your dress pants,” you protest when you thought the wetness was too much.
He chuckled so low while rubbing himself into you with more force, “Yeah, and I want you to cum on it.” 
Oh, there it was! 
The cliff.
The fall.
So close.
You could feel it twisting and tugging.
The cold in your stomach, the way your foot almost curled on the heels. 
“C’mon, baby, let it go.” 
You hold on to his large shoulders, bringing his body closer and hugging him while rubbing yourself more against his tight. Your forehead is rested against his solid chest and it’s less than a minute before he whispers something dirty into your ear and you’re coming right on his leg. The hot and white liquid strains his pants and some of it runs down your legs. He guides you and keeps rocking your body against his until you’re able to push him because the sensation it’s too breathtaking.
“You’re so hot when you cum,” he grins bringing his mouth to yours again. 
The two of you spend some minutes there just kissing while you recover from your high and when you do, you start to clean yourself and grasp with the view of Freddie’s dress pants.
“How are you gonna cover that when we go back to the party?” you almost say something about his disheveled ginger hair too, but choose not to. 
He arches his eyebrows, “who says we’re going back to the party?” 
“Oh-” you blurted. 
“We’re going home, I’m not done with my apologies yet.” And just like that, you feel the knot on your stomach again, the view of the cliff there and the sensation that you would fall over and over again that night, but it was ok since he was there to get you and guide you through it. 
277 notes · View notes