On Fatphobia, from the perspective of a skinny (white) person

Lmao i keep trying to make a post on this but i can never get the wording right,

There is. A Normalized Mass Societal Fetish of the skinny body and its rly fuckin uncomfortable. We get Idealized and Romanticized and treated as inherently more beautiful/aesthetically appealing for being skinny, and its. Bad?

Like, my personal experience with this is. Already uncomfortable as hell with the concept of my body being seen as sexually appealing at all to someone, as an aspect of my sex repulsion, and i do think that plays a part in my realizing this.

One comment, made by a passing by grown man in the grocery store(yikes already) to tell me that i have "nice legs"(mmmyikes). This happened during a point in my life where i had lost most of my muscle mass, i didnt look particularly Different physically for it, but lack of regular physical exercise over 4yrs of high school meant i no longer had the Strength in my legs from playing recreational league team sports like Basketball and Soccer in elementary and middle school. I didnt look particularly Different, i had shrimp legs* Then, and i have shrimp legs now and have never in my life had Big legs. I was feeling Bad about my body bc i felt Weak. The point? My legs were nothing especially "nice", they werent and arent, bad legs but theres nothing particularly nice about my legs, certainly nothing warranting an unsolicited comment on whether or not theyre nice. My legs were and are like, average at best. They just look like ur average standard human legs. Except for one thing: theyre skinny.

(Shrimp legs: "Crabs and lobsters have strong walking legs, whereas shrimp have thin fragile legs which they use primarily for perching.")

My legs are Skinny and that makes them Nice. And i thought about this, and stuff like this keeps happening. Ppl make unsolicited comments on my appearance and size, and often attempt to make a compliment on my size, bc being Skinny is viewed as Ideal. I remember being weirdly uncomfortable about it even when i was younger, when i was, lets just say, Not Knowledgeable in aspects of Social Justice or Fatphobia. Mentioning my pants size in middle school got comments of "oh my god i hate you" from friends of mine, and it made me feel weirdly Guilty about being skinny. At the time i considered it skinny shaming and Unfair, now i look back and recognize: internalized fatphobia from my friends led to discomfort in our interpersonal interactions, and it wasnt their fault, and while it was incredibly uncomfortable for me, it was also bad for them, bc it overall contributed to the overlying culture that shames ppl for being not skinny, and shames them even more if they dare to exist as a fat person who doesnt hate themselves.

Weird, uncomfortable interactions like this still happen, even from my own mother, tho thankfully she is at least semi joking. Ppl treat bodies like mine as Ideal, while hating their own, and it puts them in a terrible position of self hate for no fucking reason, and me on an entirely undeserved (and personally unwanted) pedestal. In addotion to that, its a prime fucking fertile ground in which to sow seeds of bitter distaste for each other between skinny ppl and fat ppl, and bc skinny ppl are favored by society this ends up hurting fat ppl more. Skinny is not better, skinny is not more beautiful, and society needs to stop fucking treating it as such.

And this isnt!!! The fault of fat ppl who make uncomfortable unsolicited comments to me on my appearance and size, this is a wide societal issue of assuming things about my diet, and health based on my size. Being skinny isnt better, or healthier.

When im at work, just doing my job (loading packages onto trucks to be delivered to peoples houses) and a coworker sees how i do my job (i often take packages off the built before they get near the trucks and carry them back, in an attempt to be fast and efficient, bc i want to stay on top of it, not get behind) and comments to a driver that "haha thats why theyre skinny" in reference to me being proactive about my job, its a really!!! Weird amd uncomfortable position to be in. How do you even begin to address that? Bc we know for a fact that if i were fat, me being proactive at my job would go uncommented on. This happened growing up, im a picky eater, but i eat A Lot. I eat Large Qunatities of a Small Variety of Things. One thing i love? Pickles. My own parents, friends parents, adult family friends, would all comment on this, "they eat abnormal amount of pickles and still stay so skinny, maybe thats the Way To Be Skinny" now, admittedly i dont think pickles have a lot of calories, but keep in mind, that was One Thing. I ate pickles as a Snack and then id come home and eat more fuckin pasta than a grown man, as a tiny child. I was not, ever thinking abt calories. Stuff like this kept happening, ppl trying to Puzzle Out, how do i Get so Skinny? Its a trick fucking question, ppl! I dont get skinny, i just am, bc i have a High as fuck metabolism and so far thats meant, I Eat A Lot of fucking food bc i guess my body just Burns thru that shit so fast without doing anything. I joke often that im like a car with Terrible Mileage. It seems like i have to be leaking fuel somewhere, bc it just doesnt Add Up how much fuel(food) i require with what little physical exercise i do and what i fuckin look like. And frankly? We havent found any "leaks"(medical issues that would explain) closest thing is ADHD meds, which can be linked to weightloss and suppressed appetite, but evidence has not shown ADHD meds having any significant impact on my weight. It did, eventually show last year, when i started losing weight after starting my job, bc i was forgetting to eat, and have lowered my dosage and tried to stay more on top of eating. But that was literally the first time i showed any evidence of it impacting my size and weight. Also note: i did not take it during summer and not usually on weekends, and had a few time periods in which i attempted to go without it, once during school and i drank coffee instead, and once like a yr ago when my anxiety was Really Bad so i stopped taking ADHD meds and caffeine. Anyway, point is, ppl keep trying to Puzzle Out what I Do or Eat to Get Skinny Stay Skinny and the answer is i fucking Dont.

It assumes a position of me being Better for being skinny, and that there is some sort of Secret Mystery Thing I Do or Food I Eat that is the Magical Cause for me being skinny, and if they can just deduce what it is they too, could be as skinny as me, bc being Skinny Like Me is Better and A Reward and An Achievement, Something To Aspire To, Obviously, (all Sarcasm) when in reality there is not anything i do or eat that makes me this way, its just How It Is, its how i always Have Been, it wasnt a "reward" or "achievement" its just!!! My body. And its Not inherently Better or Healthier than any fat persons body, and it needs to stop being treated like it is.

My body is neutral, and should be allowed to exist as a neutral thing, not put on a pedestal as an Ideal for being skinny, and especially not put on a pedestal that is placed as a burden on fat ppls bodies, and it needs to stop being presented as some sort of reward, "if you hate yourself enough and work hard you too, could look like this. And remember, if you look like this, you get to be put on the pedestal instead of being forced to uphold the ideal from below!"

Like! This needs to stop, its wrong. Im not even getting the Bad Shit here, and i can tell you its fucking wrong and harmful. Media needs to stop only portraying bodies like mine as beautiful, and stop portraying anything that deviates as ugly and unworthy. Let my body be ugly and average, and more importantly let fat bodies be beautiful and strong, bc they fucking are, theres plenty of fucking ppl out there with fat bodies that are Beautiful and Strong, and yet ppl still act like having a fat character in media be athletic, or adored for beauty, is "pandering" and "unrealistic".

And also? Nobody has to be beautiful or strong or fashionable or healthy to be fucking "worthy" of your basic fucking courtesy. Not skinny ppl, and definitely not fat ppl. Stop treating me and ppl like me better, we havent fucking done anything to deserve your idealization, and personally i dont fucking want it. I refuse to let you treat me as any sort of ideal, and i refuse to be anyones "thinspo" (note any weightloss focused or thinspo blogs that interact with me/my blog will be blocked.)

I didnt do anything to earn this fucking pedestal, and I dont want it, and I especially dont fucking want it at the expense of ppl who havent done anything to deserve your hate and vitriol and disgust except to exist as fat ppl and maybe even dare to not hate themselves and their bodies for no other reason than that they are fat.

In fucking Conclusion, fatphobia is real but it fucking shouldnt be, fatphobes can fuck all the way off, @ other skinny ppl, we need to collectively do better, shut this glorification down and stop speaking over fat ppl about their experiences and insist we somehow have it worse???

the one where gansey befriends a deer: the au

hey remember that time ronan dreamed up a deer that was described with language suspiciously similar to how adam’s described, because i sure do!!! anyway

OK.

ok. so. this au’s actually evolved a lot since its initial already-pretty-fleshed-out inception one sleepless night, so me talking about it’s gonna be more than one post, but here’s the first one well actually the second technically yesterday’s warmup doodles were also from this au but i didnt talk about it at all so

and I’m gonna start with more or less the same pitch I gave to a couple people on discord

SO. starting out: it’s standard fantasy times, vaguely medieval but no specific time period because I don’t care enough to be digging into that quite frankly, but it is somewhere in England where this is happening. Story starts with just Gansey, Ronan, and Noah. Fey are very real and known entities and there’s been a conflict in England between the fey and humans, if not in the whole country then at least in the lands that the Ganseys are the lords of but probably the whole island tbh, and Gansey’s not inherited the lands yet but he’s going to and wants to maybe find a peaceful resolution to the conflict. It’s not open warfare by any means but it’s been a big problem. 

To the effect of solving that, he heads to some little village that I haven’t named but it’s right next to a known fey forest called Cabeswater. This village has avoided being stomped by the local fey because, despite witches not being particularly liked by the nobility of the time, there’s a big old coven (the psychics of Fox Way, essentially) situated right by this village that’s kept things in check. Gansey’s made his excuses to his parents about why he’s officially going there but really he wants to talk to the witches and get a better grasp of the conflict from the people actually dealing with it.  He and Ronan set out from home together, pick up Noah along the way--who is not a ghost in this AU, he’s a fey who owes Gansey a life debt, that’s a whole other post and THIS post is mostly about gansey and adam--but anyway they get to this village and NOBODY gives gansey the time of day. 

the witches don’t let him into their house because they don’t like the nobility right back thanks and the next time he tries to visit Cabeswater won’t even let him get to the coven’s dwelling, the one witch’s daughter who regularly stops by the village for supplies and to check if anyone needs anything has a big argument with him the first time he talks to her so that’s going nowhere, and, well, the villagers are polite, but they clearly don’t take him seriously. He’s just the lordling playing at things and potentially meddling in their business to them.

So he starts hanging out just barely within Cabeswater, even though he knows that’s not wise, because he finds this perfect spot by a stream, and he’ll sit out there and think and work on the journal he keeps of all his thoughts and plans, and one day while he’s there has a straight up Disney princess experience when a deer stops by the stream and seems incredibly unafraid of him. he cherishes the experience but accepts that it probably won’t happen again.

and then it does. several times. gansey’s losing his mind. this deer??? apparently likes listening to him info dump?? it’s very therapeutic and also very magical and he’s amazed 

a few times in, he names the deer “Pryderi” after a character from a welsh legend, because “such a handsome creature deserves a princely name,” [[muffled blue laughing and whispering “princely” in the distance]], and he tells ronan and noah about this experience but ronan doesn’t believe him at ALL. 

one time after gansey’s particularly upset at how bad his attempts at getting along with the villagers, Pryderi actually lets Gansey touch him for the first time and gansey cannot shut up about it to ronan who’s finally like “i think you’re bullshitting me about this deer thing. im coming with you next time” and gansey’s like “well he’s a deer he might not show up if a stranger’s around and he doesn’t come every time i go down there anyway” and ronan’s like “this sounds like a lot of excuses, dick, you’re not making me believe you any more with this” and gansey’s like “>8\” 

but pryderi does show up, and gansey is delighted, and ronan stares really hard at him and then goes 

and gansey’s like what? nooo. but ronan keeps arguing it for the duration of the visit and the deer actually starts to look annoyed and at the end ganseys like ok maybe but i doubt it. and then hes like “well since you are a fey apparently (/sarcasm) i ought to say farewell with respect” and bows very mockingly and then the deer makes direct eye contact with ronan and bows back and gansey loses his shit

gansey continues meeting up with pryderi but even while his infodumping still happens it does so now with the knowledge that He Does Actually Understand What Im Saying, he may be a fey but he seems like a friendly one and hey that’s way more than gansey thought he would get out here, and also this deer is his friend now thanks, 

he, ronan, and noah (who’s amused by Pryderi but keeps his main thoughts to himself for now) make some excursions into cabeswater, but the thing is noah’s not really native to england, he’s from the european mainland, again i’ll get to it in another post sometime, but. he can sort of help navigate cabeswater but not all THAT well so they get lost a couple times, and every time it does happen pryderi shows up and helps guide them out. there’s some very funny moments of a very jealous ronan getting into weird conflict w/ a very smug deer 

anyWAY one day there’s like a festival, everyone’s drunk because its the middle ages and there’s not really a drinking age, gansey’s making another effort to make friends with anyone, and this one guy about his own age is like “ok look here i’ll teach you the folk dance everyone’s doing ok?” and gansey spends the night dancing w/ a handsome stranger, yes he will recognize the irony in the morning, but for now it goes. well badly because they’re both drunk but it’s fun, and then the guy says “ah, fuck it, i’ll finish teaching you next time we see each other” and gansey’s like “thats a little forward but ok!” and the guy (adam. its adam) panics and leaves while gansey’s back is turned and gansey doesn’t remember that last snippet of conversation the next day nor can he quite recall the stranger’s face. ronan does, because he was watching and not sure which of the two he was jealous of, but neither of them has any idea who the guy actually was. 

and then like, 3 days later, gansey falls asleep at the spot he usually hangs out in in cabeswater and wakes up in the early evening just in time to hear people yelling and for Pryderi to burst into view with an arrow in his flank. he collapses in a bush. gansey snaps into “protect friend” mode and gets the hunters off his trail by being all “oh a strange buck? i saw it pass that way over there friend!” and then when they’re gone he comes back and is all “alright pryderi they’re gone, let me just--” except pryderi’s not a deer anymore. it’s a boy. 

(Adam. its adam. the deer is adam.) 

gansey takes him home, gets the arrow out, noah’s like “i mean he’s not a fey, i dont know what turning into a deer is about but if he were fey the iron in that arrow would already have him dead. he might be partially fey but so little that he’s human in the ways that really matter”, over the next couple days they figure out that pryderi is in fact from the village and is a young man named adam parrish who’s been labelled a changeling and is assumed dead since he was yknow shot, gansey decides for now its probably best to keep him that way, but adam’s not getting better--apparently even having had the arrow in him as briefly as he did has poisoned him, he’s desperately ill and on the third day is finally like “get persephone” so gansey tries again (he’s tried several times over these days, they’d worked out that to have survived this long he must have someone else with a small degree of fey blood teaching him the ropes and the most likely suspects are the witches, but he’s hoping adam specifically asking him to will grant him permission enough to go in) and runs into a very frantic blue en route who as soon as he makes it clear he’s got adam is like “move your ass over on that horse im climbing on too” 

they get persephone, who turns into a fox rather than a deer, she saves adam, everythings cool except adam’s pissy now because he cant go back to the village and he has to give up on the attempts he had in the works to get out of town by working his way out and he takes it out on gansey who doesnt deserve it because this friendship is a mess, he’ll feel bad and take it back eventually but thats yet more posts ANYWAY YEAH theres our starting point 

(also worth noting: due to cabeswater being Right There,  p much everyone in this village actually has a small degree of fey blood, adam just won the genetic lottery) 

tl;dr adam’s a fey-blooded witch’s apprentice and he’s been the deer the whole time and thats the start of this au ty for coming to this ramble 

-- gunhardyTemerity [GT] began pestering effluentBalatron [EB] at 22:51 -- GT: Well howdy doodle egberto. GT: Have you got a moment for a chat chap? EB: hey jake. EB: i have all the time in the world as of right now. GT: Oh you do? Thats swell! GT: I guess youre settling nicely at your old house? GT: Be sure to send photos yeah? Id love to see the home of the legend that started it all. EB: sure. i can do that. GT: Not right away of course... when youre doing better and all! EB: i think i can manage to take some comm pictures of a few (relatively) benevolent harlequins. GT: OH BOY. GT: (Relative) benevolent harlequins are my very favorite kind! :D EB: *doctor jingles.png.* EB: *whistles the clown.png.* EB: i hope that tickles your fancy, my dude. EB: it was never really my thing but they're alright i guess. EB: *a whole lot of fucking figurines.jpg.* GT: Hah! Hahaha! OH MAN. GT: I love this whimsical collection of fellows! GT: Theyre so cheerful and full of good spirits! GT: Its men like these that id like to have at a party im not sure about you. EB: pfft. what a party that would be. you, my dad and a bunch of "funny men" as he'd call them. GT: Thats a keeper. Hehehehe! GT: But where would you be? EB: i think i'd skip it. no offense. GT: Even if i were there? Id be sure to make it fun for the two of us bro. GT: Do you trust me or do you trust me?? EB: jesus, dude. i'd have to be a heartless monster to say no to that. GT: HEAR HEAR. GT: So... GT: How are things in the homefront? Anything like you remember? EB: not much changes in this part of the world, jakey. and i like it that way. EB: it's good. it's safe. EB: cold as balls. EB: roxy cleaned the place up pretty good. she's been helping me out. EB: is ruleus ok? GT: Ru the man us has really taken to his own here! I mean... hes sort of claimed our room as his new territory and it certainly doesnt help that citrins gone and supported his new authority. GT: He sure likes the twins though! Who would have thought? EB: oh. i'm glad it's working out. EB: i've been trying to teach him about gentle touches. GT: He sure likes to teach citrin all he knows! EB: hehe. they're such cute lil buddies. GT: Needless to say hes a cutie pie... and youre doing a great job. EB: thanks but EB: i dunno. EB: i freaked out and left him there. i know he's fine with you guys. and probably doesn't even notice but. EB: well. i know. GT: Hey now... GT: It doesnt seem like the effort matters much but. Rest assured. GT: Its something that looks entirely different from his perspective. GT: Hes just a kiddo after all. And youre being a good daddy not showing him anything but the love. EB: i hope that's how he sees it. GT: One day hell understand but until then? Youre only human john bomb. The best kind of human being there is! EB: i don't see how you can actually think that. EB: ugh. sorry. EB: you're just trying to help. GT: Dont be sorry broseph. GT: I... GT: Well. GT: :( GT: I think about sollux quite a lot. GT: If i werent some bumbling oaf with a wasteful of magic power maybe hed still be here. EB: i mean. of course you think about him. EB: he was special to you. and it hasn't been that long. EB: not that it really matters how long it's been either. EB: and...another thing. EB: this magic stuff is a bunch of bullshit! EB: they didn't teach us how to use it or anything. it doesn't matter how powerful we are if we don't know what to do. or when to do it. EB: how are you supposed to know? how am i supposed to know? GT: Well... GT: Its just... GT: Im awful sorry john. If i knew the answer or what to say i would sure try to say it. GT: But ive been so lost and frankly befuddled with how convoluted this magic business is. GT: I think i have been since the beginning. GT: And... im sorry for how complicated it makes things. EB: no, jake. don't be sorry. i just. i was trying to say that... EB: i don't even know. i just feel really angry about it all. and i'm just as confused as you are. GT: Thats alright bub. GT: For what its worth i... know youre trying your best. And i fully believe youre a good person coming out of all of this. GT: If you have your flaws and all... so what? So long as you try to do the right thing in the end? EB: i'm grateful that you think that. and i mean. i'm grateful people are still on my side and stuff. you, and roxy. and kankri. and dad. EB: but at the same time. it's like. EB: i don't know if i actually can. to be honest, dude. EB: ever since i got on the ship i never actually wanted to leave. no matter what terrible shit would happen, i never thought i'd take ruleus and cut out. EB:  even when feferi died. EB: but now i am thinking about it. a lot. even though i am really trying not to. EB: i don't wanna go back to the ship. or be the doctor anymore. GT: And... GT: Whats wrong with all that? EB: what do you mean? GT: You know id still love and respect the hell out of you bro? Even if you did drop and call it quits. EB: but it's a fucking terrible thing to think about. i already promised i'd try to keep everyone safe. after everything everyone has been through, after the sacrifices everybody made. and the people that have died fighting in the war? GT: I... GT: I know. GT: I felt this way too when uhm. GT: I thought of the possibility that dirk wouldnt wake up. EB: oh. GT: It was just me citrin and the twins i felt. What... what was i going to do? What was i good for? EB: aw jake...:( EB: that's different, buddy. your situation is differnet. GT: I couldnt pull it together. I couldnt be someone the world counted on! But... GT: Why was any of this worth sacrificing my kiddies without their dads? I... I was them. EB: i'd never judge you for that. GT: I was the one growing up on my lonesome and wondering what it is that was so terrible about myself... that i felt... GT: Maybe i wasnt enough to keep my grandma with me. It was an atrocious feeling! It still is! GT: So no!!! I dont think theres anything wrong with letting yourself feel this sort of hullabaloo weakness! EB: i'm confused as hell about how i feel. EB: but i can see what you mean. i think...coming from you it's easier. EB: i'm not saying i am actually going to quit. but. GT: Aw buddy... It just... GT: I understand. It just... feels as though it stops being about you and what you want. Mayhaps its easier to focus on what someone who needs you wants instead. EB: mayhaps. EB: thanks jake. GT: I love you! EB: i love you too, bro. GT: I wish i could swoop the hell in and scoop you in a big ole hug! GT: Id spend the night with you easily. :( EB: hehe i miss our movie nights. EB: though i wouldn't mind if the entire dirkjake clan plus ruleus descended on my dad's poor house. EB: it's fun to think about anyway. GT: Whos to say they wont??? I reckon the whole clan ought to travel around and see the sights! EB: who wouldn't want to see snowy picturesque maple valley wa. we have skating. beavers. and old people riding street legal snow blowers. GT: Sounds like a dream! EB: we also now have roxy lalonde. GT: You mean she was missing before? GT: PSHHAW. EB: i'm really confused now. do you know something i don't. GT: Roxyandra Lalonde is a key ingredient to any party gathering! EB: that i agree with. EB: you know who else we can add to the mix. EB: kankri! EB: your favorite. GT: Oh... EB: pff. GT: Yeah sure buddy! Whatever youd like! EB: hahahaha. GT: ;D EB: why are you winking. what's with the wink. GT: I made you laugh my bucko! EB: oh. EB: that was decidedly unrancorous of me, huh? GT: HUH HUH. I guess youre diddly damn so its unrancorous! EB: /rolls my goddamn eyes/ EB: okay. it's time for john to get some sleep. GT: You mean resting your handsome big pearly blues? You gotcha! GT: Ive got kiddies to systematically put to beddy bye now. GT: Youll be alright bro? EB: i honestly have no idea. but. i feel a little more hopeful about it now. EB: that's something i guess. EB: nah, not "i guess". it is something. GT: *Sniffle.* EB: don't cry. GT: I cant help it. D'8 EB: you big hairy baby. GT: I just miss you to pieces!!!!! EB: i hope you legitimately cry in front of dirk so he feels pressured to bring you here. GT: Dont say that because ill be tempted! GT: Dammit john. GT: Hit the hay would you?? EB: :) EB: ok. goodnight. EB: tell ruleus....nothing i guess because i don't want him to feel weird but. think "john misses you" loudly at him. -- effluentBalatron [EB] ceased pestering gunhardyTemerity [GT] at 01:00 --