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#and itd at the worst time too because its the time of the month i need to be printing out and cutting and packaging stuff
bamsara · 2 years
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I have covid hhhhh
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flockofdoves · 1 year
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i think its important to retain compassion and make sure when i actually talk to her i am open to listening to whatever she has to say. obviously thats important even just on purely a level of wanting communication to go well and for her to be receptive to solutions. but also of course there needs to be space kept for me and my gf to vent our frustration on our own time bc just bc pretty much almost everyone can always have some sort of personal justification for why they did something within their constricted circumstances obviously that doesn't mean people hurt by that dont still have reasons to be upset or resent the situation. and i'm trying to be good and healthy in how i balance these two things. 
i'm not always the best at conversations i can be a bit conflict avoidant and i have given up on talking about any of this for a while after my last half assed attempts at communication about this stuff failed (even if i think to be fair to myself some of it very clearly goes beyond what i'd imagine the scope of any misalignment of expectations from past experiences in different living situations could cause. like sure ok maybe you've used other peoples dishes in the past but i cant imagine it takes communication (which i did w this actually!) to know that if you've then let those dishes mold for a month throwing out that persons dishes after they ask you to wash them after they see them outside is not an acceptable next step) but i’m really trying to expend the effort to be better at communicating
but every time i’ve tried she avoids it somehow. and i keep trying harder in more direct but still not aggressive ways and i’m sure theres still more i could do but its just so so frustrating having it continue on this way. 
i feel like theres no space for me to even healthily balance my frustration with not letting that boil into any actual opportunity to talk because its just like a constant situation of having to hope that she’ll actually not avoid things this time and i need to emotionally prep myself for conversation so that i won’t unproductively just come across as angry (or just like. so shaky i cant talk lol) and because i’m just like fucking constantly having to put myself in that state theres not even a healthy space to even be properly mad during me and my gfs time when shes not around
i’m just so so so sick of this i’m so constantly stressed and sad about all of this this is the worst roommate situation i’ve ever been in even when just like. in fun conversations before she was avoiding us and that i still overhear w her friends i really enjoy my roommate. like thats really saying something when i’ve had a homophobic passive aggressive roommate before and a roommate that always turned the thermostat up to 90 degrees!!! but this is still (even after her wayyyy lowballing the utility bills “at their worst” looking back lmao) like the cheapest place i’ve seen around here with this fucking housing crisis happening around my college and at this point itd literally be too late to find anything good for when this lease ends i don’t know what to fucking do i was panicking about housing this time last year and it felt like it might fall through at like any moment once we did secure this apartment last august and then like so soon after that everything started to gradually get more and more stressful as more things happened with our roommate so its been like a fucking year of housing stress about stuff but we didn’t even start early bc it cost so much to furnish this place so our room wasnt just so deeply stressful to live in with the amount of unpacked boxes for months that we only just finally had all the furniture and storage to actually put away that we kept being like well i’m sure if we just communicate better it can improve because we really want to keep living here and dont want to go through All That with apartment applications and moving again any time soon but also jesus christ what if it just doesnt fucking change im in fucking limbo
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spamton-addison · 1 year
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hi its 1 AM which means its time for me to be insane in your inbox but not in the in depth analysis about michael way
i fuckin g figured it out okay <- in reference to the trouble ive been having with figuring out mike/tenna lore
so the knight whoever that is goes up to mike (ruler of tv world, generally an okay guy) like heyyy i heard your boyfriend got got. do what i say and ill get you your boyfriend. and mikes like Okay,
and changes start getting made in tv world
meanwhile tenna (famous rich gameshow host that Mike funds. seemingly mostly benign aside from just being kinda an asshole (he is not in fact benign)) is unhappy w the changes going on (probably because they cut his funding or something i dont know) so hes trying to figure out a way to make mike Not Do That. and then our heroes the fuck squad come along and tennas like heyyyy the ruler of this place is being shitty. Help. and our heroes dont know any better so theyre like Okay !
and then. various ch3 events fuck if i know. but the whole time mike is being hyped up as this guy in charge who Sucks and is making all these changes seemingly for No Reason (similar to queen except you Dont See Mike until the end. probably also corroborated by various Ordinary Guys in tv world)
and then we finally meet mike. big final boss fight, and this whole confrontation of Why Are You Doing This, and mike reveals "The Knight told me to, it promised me it would return someone dear to me who I lost a long time ago if I did what it asked"
ralsei lore dump and damn okay i guess not having my boyfriend is at least better than The Whole World Ending. sorry do what you need to do lightners (this is assuming mike doesnt know abt the roaring im not sure if he would or not. ralsei was surprised Queen didnt but i dont know if thats because the roaring is common knowledge among darkners or because Ralsei Just Knows Things)
and mike doesnt know its tenna's fault that spamsy got got, tenna had to keep it a secret because he knew mike would be Very Upset if he knew. maybe it gets revealed maybe it doesnt i dont know this is all still very rough skeleton of plot
in short. tenna is presented as kind of just an asshole but not the worst (the player knows better <3) whos mad about changes being made in the world he lives in. mike is just Sad and misses his bf
also maybe mike and tenna are exes this isnt relevant to the rest of this i just think itd be funny. maybe mike dated tenna for like 3 months to cope. its deltarune you can never have too much divorce
oh shit ....
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the-good-bad-truth · 2 years
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Is TikTok the worst social media ever created? I might be biased because I'm not on TikTok nor would I like to be. I do feel that every social media is bad but I feel TikTok specifically has a lot of hate or darkness to it. Don't get me wrong, I sometimes see TikToks whether they are posted on other social media that i do use like Instagram or YouTube. I also think one positive thing is there are some really cool and niche communities like booktok, decade, or thrift flip TikTok. However, I feel that there are certain communities or people in TikTok that are toxic. For example, that whole side where people will either fake or self diagnose with a mental disorder. There is also this weird, kind of creepy vibe I get when most dance or any challenges are very sexual or provocative. I'm not trying to say that people can't be sexy or be confident in their looks but it just gets a little weird when I see 13 yr olds making thirst traps to doja cat or talking about how they have a choking kink. At the same time, I remember when I was 13 and some of the kids in my middle school would be talking about having sex, doing drugs or drinking. Now that I'm 21 I look back on that and think that was pretty wild and these kids were trying to grow up way too fast. Another problem that I have with TikTok is the popular tiktokers. I just feel that some don't have a talent or provide any real form of content cuz they got popular cuz of their looks so they find other ways of fame like singing, modeling, or starting a clothing/skincare brand. I watched a little bit of the damelio reality show and watched a reaction to the hype house Netflix. I tried to understand and find something that was relatable but specifically hype house, most members didn't want to put in the work or would feel overwhelmed cuz of fame. There was this one clip, my sister pointed out to me, when Charli is having a meeting with her team of like 10 people and they lay out these binders of what her schedule is for each month of the year. Later on her mom asks the team if Charli is going to have time on her own to dance or learn a language. At that moment I felt like damn this teen girl who just thought itd be fun and cute to dance on an app is now turned into a business that she has to run and made it possible for her older sister who made fun of TikTok to go on tour with Big Time Rush. That's alot of pressure. I also think it's weird how their parents follow them everywhere and I'm all for family support but they go on vacations, follow a 20 year old Dixie on tour, events, moved the whole family to L.A. It just seems almost as if they are helicopter parents or living vicariously through their daughters. Overall, I feel that TikTok does have its good&bad but I think it depends on who it specifically benefits. If you are young, mostly white, attractive then you could reap the benefits. But if you're a smaller creator who's not in L.A then your talent/content can either be stolen by bigger creators or u will have a harder time pushing ur videos.
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softinchibus · 3 years
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🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴
#i am in such a God Awful place rn and it feels like theres nothing i can do to pull myself out??#like. my brain is literally slow i cant think properly anymore idk how to describe it#theres so many things and i cant grasp all of them together#i need to move out rly badly because i think being away from my family for some time will help me#but at the same time im nowhere near stable enough to figure out where to start#the jobs i was doing i had to stop because i couldnt cope with them anymore#and i havent talked to most of my friends/most ppl in around 2 months because i just cant handle it rn#i always knew this breakdown was coming but i didnt think itd be now#now is the worst time for it#and im so lost on what to do#i dont know whether to take a gap year or too try and continue studying but tbh i think the ship has sailed on continuing studying#im just so terrified of being a disappointment to my tutor and my family lmao#idk what to do#i know if i stay home and take a gap year the pressure to keep up with everything is going to be so insane i wont be able to do it#and i just feel like shit waking up here everyday#im so grateful to have a family that cares about me and to have so many good things/priveleges/opportunities in life#but i know that staying here is still hurting me a lot#and i dont wholly blame them; its a complicated situation;;; but idk what to do#so i just lay in my bed n rot bc everything is too overwhelming#if anyone has any advice pls drop a bitch needs it and i will appreciate it greatly even if i only reply months later shdhjsjs im sorry#delete later
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relaxxattack · 3 years
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to be unfortunately fair zayne clingyduo fought and that just ended in both of them getting trauma and never talking about their problems even after both of them showed major suicidal tendencies and even with tommy consistently prompting tubbo to be honest w his feelings </3
i dont think beeduo falling out would even result in them talking i think if they had a big fight theyd both be so avoidant that they genuinely just. dont anymore. theyre back to awkward friends but now they have to work around having a son (and even then, not truly. they never moved in to the mansion, michael lives with tubbo and they cant move him in with ranboo, no point. ranboo can visit, obviously, but its hard knowing now hes just another person to protect michael from in tubbos eyes), the mansion stays unused, ranboo feels too awkward to help with the outpost anymore and tubbo just relies on the stacks of cookies until eventually hes starving and only makes enough to last until he goes back home (after all, he cant ask ranboo for food anymore and he doesnt know who else to ask because they all seem to be rather limited food wise, but hey, at least he can be legit about the cookie thing now. if anyone notices that tubbos voice is flat when he stops asking for money in exchange theyre too afraid to mention it, and if they do they only get false assurances in response)
tubbos so outwardly apathetic towards a lot of things and ranboos known for taking things in the worst way possible, and neither could quite get to a point of being petty, being spiteful, theyd just be. burnt out. ranboo would move on to the prison outbreak maybe, or if that already happened, just helping tommy (except wilbur hates him and so does quackity and he thinks fundys starting to too and hes already hurt over tubbo hating him [from his perspective] that he cant deal with any of it) and in the end just starts retreating on himself, back into the arctic, afraid to talk to anyone because his options are techno, phil, and niki and he loves them sure but theyre destructive and ranboos still scared of what they would do to tubbo if they now knew tubbo hurt him too
theyre dysfunctional together, certainly, but a fight wouldnt help mend anything between them, not a big fight anyways, and if a small fight was enough to make them stay apart temporarily itd be enough to just tear them apart for a long, long time. theyd fall apart and with everyone focused on their own thing, no one else would help them, especially not without tubbo or ranboo reaching out (and we all know they wouldnt, at most theyd make side comments just to wave it off and go "its fine, im fine, im just overreacting, he was right" to anyone that asked). tubbo wouldnt ask for them to talk unless it was to talk about ranboo, and ranboo would want to talk about both of them but tubbos not going to budge on expressing his emotions and ranboo wouldnt push it, and if he did either one or both would get frustrated and theyd be back at square one
i dont think a falling out would help them, theyd just fall apart and eventually it becomes another thing for ranboo to feel guilty about and for tubbo to wave off and go "in the past, im fine, michaels fine, and im sure hes fine as well, in his own little way". really i think itd take gradual growth for both sides. opening up in their own little ways, small questions from both sides that prod at the other until they open up further. and i think thatd work best for tubbo and ranboos rp style anyways, small steps towards growth and mutual confort rather than Big Events that tear them apart or bring them back together (thats more a clingyduo thing, and again, even they dont talk about their problems). quiet growths of mutual respect until eventually tubbos not using "you wont remember" as an excuse for covering up that he just trusts ranboo and feels comfortable enough to share and eventually ranboo shares his train of thought more openly and tubbo gently nudges him into believing in himself more (even if it comes with a few lighthearted jabs)
tubbo and ranboo arent big gestures kind of people, and i think thatd still be the case in terms of their relationship. after all, they just signed the papers, no ceremony or all. it seems like big steps to others maybe, but to them its the most natural thing of all. also i dont think mr and mr "im going to move in with my best friend for 4 months then we're going to stay over again for 3 more months just in a different country and from there honestly we dont know if wed be able to stay apart, it feels so natural that the other is more than just another person to me" would be able to handle their characters being on bad terms. i think if they had to rp a negative event between each other they just wouldnt. like even that experiment scene would be played nowadays like ranboo joking along w tubbo too and them just getting into shenanigans before eventually forgetting that the experiments were going to happen bc theyre having fun mining and making deez nuts jokes or some shit LMAO -🎭🎪
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OKAY FINE. WHATEVER.
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thcweasley · 3 years
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Magical
PAIRING : Fred Weasley X Y/N
SUMMARY : After war, Fred trying to make things back to normal again
WARNINGS : none? shitty fluff
WORDS : 1.6k
A/N: i reposted this cos something went wrong lmao.
Im not sure why i really like the whole idea of Fred X Muggleborn!Reader lmao. i know its autumn in most places, but its been super duper hot here lately. Also this might not be 100% accurate of how things supposed to go, but i just got an idea after watching what not to do at the beach. so I hope you enjoy anyways.
AND THANKYOU FOR THE LOVE ON MY LAST FIC OMGGG. Yes ill upload the 2nd part soooooonn!! so don’t you worry~
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“Lets go lets go!!” Fred said clapping his hands, signing you to move faster.
“yeah yeah” you mumbled.
It was a month after the war yet everything didn’t seem to falls back to normal. The fact that you almost lose Fred in the battle haunted you. Even though he was still standing in front of you now, present and healthy. Still you couldn’t seem shake off the image of him dying in front of you. At the time everyone was so sure there’s nothing they can do to wake him up.
“I didn’t know you’d be this sad to see me dying Y/N” He managed to let out a laugh.
Fred insisted you both to go to the beach today. You’ve told him once that going to the beach with your family and friends was probably you favourite memory of growing up. Before everything, before Fred, before Hogwarts, before Magic. So he thought itd be fun to relive your memory with you, no wand, no spell, no magic, just the two of you.
“are you sure you wanna do this? I thought you don’t like muggles activities” you asked him swirling around your wand in front of his face.
He grabbed your wand and put it away from you “Yes of course no magic, beach day! Now move your feet before I carry you into the car myself”
“I can’t believe you actually rent a car” you looked at him in disbelief.
“Well I want it to be perfect for you” he laughed under his breath. “Look at this” He pressed a button and suddenly the roof of the car starting to fold. “Just like magic!” He grinned, causing you to laugh.
“oh what did I do to deserve such an amazing boyfriend” you leaned on to the driving seat to give him a kiss on his cheek.
“I honestly don’t know Y/N” He moved one of his hand onto your waist “But I know how you could reward me without any magic involved” He squeeze your bum lightly.
“Focus on the road, Weasley” you rolled your eyes smiling, Slapping  his hand away as moving back to your position. His laughter filling the car
** Fred had taken you to a pretty cool beach. quite crowded too He found a spot and lay some towel so you can sit down.
You both lay down on your towel. Watching the clouds moving, enjoying each other arms. when suddenly someone dis-sand his towel right beside Fred and walk away.
You both sat up immediately, coughing.
“what the hell is that?” you said, with an annoyed tone, looking over to Fred. Wondering why he hadn’t say anything.
You saw Fred rubbing his eye. “you okay?” you raised an eyebrow. Confused
“uhh.. i think there’s sand in my eye” he said still rubbing his eye.
You grabbed his hand. Stopping him from rubbing his eye. “don’t rub it..” you said soothingly. “open your eyes”
he tried to open his eyes, failing. “what do you mean? I cant do it!”
“hey.. calm down” you giggled. You put your fingers between his eye, and open his eyes. You keep your fingers there to stop his eyes from blinking. you blow air in front of his eyes. Hopefully can remove sand from his eyes. “now blink”
he blinked a few times. And then look up at you. He realised how close your faces were. He held your cheek in his palm. Leaning in to kiss you. His lips warm and smooth pressing against yours.
You just smile against the lips, enjoying the moment. Until you heard a loud smack coming from Fred’s direction, causing you to pull away from him. A volley ball hit Freds head.
“sorry mate!” some guy shouted behind him. and running towards you both to pick up the ball.
“yeah no worries” he managed to force a laugh. You dropped your head to the side. Looking at his annoyed face.
“you okay Fred?” you asked him. resting your hand on his head.
“yep.. umm.. lets go for a walk”
**
Fred grabbed your hand, dragging you with him as he ran towards the bridge. He sat on the bridge and patted the space beside him, signalling you to sit beside him. “come on!” he smiled widely.
“Do you want ice cream?” Fred broke the silence.
“sounds great” you said as you want to get up. But he stopped you.
“wait here I’m going to guess your favourite” He scrambles to his feet and kiss your nose before walking away.
As you watched the clouds moved, you can hear the waves and some kids running around. Looking all around you, remembering the reason why you like going to the beach so much. The salty air, the sun and now you’re with the man you love the most. It couldn’t be more perfect than this.
Suddenly Fred appeared beside you. Handing you your ice cream with your favourite flavour.  “here you go ”
“awwww” you looked up at him and peck his lips. “thankyou..”
You were enjoying your ice cream when suddenly Fred groans. You looked up at him and follow his eyes direction, you saw some boys running away laughing. You looked back at him. now he’s touching his head. “dumb kids” He muttered
“Oh god!” you said in shock as soon after you pulled his hand away from his head. His hair covered with ice cream.  then suddenly bursted out laughing.
Fred groaned again “you think its funny?” he narrowed his eyes at you. Fred’s hair, he always sensitive with his hair.
“sorry..” you grinned. You reached your handbag and took your wet tissue. “I don’t know that your mouth moved on to your hair” you giggle lightly. Start wiping the ice cream off his head.
“It’s those lil git” he clenched his teeth.
You giggled lightly, its funny how frustrating this day has been for him.  “what do you want now? Go home?” you smiled at him.
“yeah..” then he instantly added “sorry” he bitted his bottom lip.
“Its okay, Let’s go home” you grabbed his hand and ran towards the car.
**
“my hair, it’s so sticky” Fred said once you got inside the car.
you smiled “its cute though, smells like ice cream.”
“it is not..” He said as he started the car
“whatever” you stuck your arms out the open window, holding it straight like the wing of a plane. But then suddenly you felt a cold flickers of water land on your face making you yelp in surprise at first and then groan loudly.
“Rain?” Fred questioned, painful annoyance in his tone.
You both turned your heads up to face the sky and suddenly the droplets are falling down faster and faster, making you flinch every time it hits you. Within ten seconds, the water is hammering down.
“why it doesn’t work!!” Fred pressed the roof button rapidly. Hoping the roof would start to close itself. “Merlin!” he ran his finger through his hair.
“Hey calm down focus on the road” You replaced his hand with yours, until finally the roof closed itself.
But then suddenly the car stopped. You could see the lights on the car also went off.
“hey, we’re in the middle of the rain why the hell would you stopped?” You laughed not knowing what was happening.
“well this really a cherry on top. What a nice day” he said, sarcastically.
“wh- what happened?”
“I don’t know. Merlin, I really wished I have my wand with me” he muttered. “wait here” he said as he got out of the car.
You took out your phone. No signal what a nice day.
You got out of the car. You saw Fred was standing in front of the car. Muttering loudly.  You shook your head, and ran towards him, hugged him from behind. “im so sorry Y/N I have no idea how muggle car works I don’t know how to fix this” He said as he turn himself around to face you. To his surprise you greeted him with a big grin on your face. “Why are you smiling?” he asks suspiciously, raising an eyebrow
You placed a hand on his cheek. “I was wondering… have you ever been kissed in the rain?”
Fred finally recognising the playfulness in your voice. His frown soon eases up into something less harsh-looking. “I haven’t actually,” he breathed
You closed the gap between you two, kissing him passionately. You feel the water soaking through your clothes as you’re pressed your lips on to his lips as the freezing water dripped down on you both. You grab onto his shirt, starting to shiver. You can’t remember the last time you’ve been happier. Because finally, after a whole month of anxiety, you can just focus on whats happening right now.
You finally separate lips, both catching on your breathes.
Fred strokes a stray raindrop off of your nose. “sorry, this is the worst date ever” he gave you a sheepish smile.
“I don’t think so” you pecked his lips smiling widely, he smiled back.
“are you being sarcastic with me?” he raised his eyebrow playfully.
You shook your head smiling. “For a magic-less day, it was quite magical” AAHAHA im sorry guys this was super cheesy. but.. should we make a part two where we give fred weasley the reward he deserves?
MY OTHER WORKS follow me / send request / talk to me! im lonely (if u send me anonymously maybe click here) my collaborative ford anglia playlist Christmas with the Weasley playlist
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doomednarrative · 3 years
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On the topic of listening to "Marsha, Thank You for the Dialectics" one too many times, and the idea that you might be identifying too much with your trauma and mental illness:
----
If you've followed me for any length of time on this blog, you'll probably be aware of two things about me:
A. I'm clearly mentally ill in some regard, and B. I use music to cope and work thru the issues related to my mental illness and trauma a lot.
The past four years have been both the worst and best years of my life. I ran away from an abusive home, I've gone thru two major breakups and one of them just absolutely rocked my shit for awhile, I've been consistently working thru my queer identity and figuring all of that out for myself, and the list goes on.
Finally leaving an environment that had trapped me in a cycle of traumatic experiences for years left me in a weird place. For once I was somewhere where my illness and suffering was being taken seriously and not constantly belittled and ignored, and my queerness was accepted and respected. And that felt great!
What Wasnt so great about that was the Overwhelming feelings of "oh my god I've been suffering for so long and now that i'm out of that place, I cant stop thinking about it and realizing how much its truely fucked me up and worsened my mental health" that came with everything else.
And with that overwhelm, somewhere along the line I started to identify with that suffering. I had spent so long in a place that refused to acknowledge that I was hurting at all, that now that I was in a place where I could truely express that hurt and how it affected me, I didnt want to let go of it.
This was a cycle that went on for awhile, and one that I didn't really realize I was trapped in until about March this year.
Enter Will Wood and his wonderful music.
I'd heard of him months before, already had Dr. Sunshine and Hand Me My Shovel in my spotify library. But I didn't really give him a Proper listen until Miles suggested I do so, and I fell in love almost immediately with his stuff. Underneath his music just being fun and wild to listen to, Will's music talks so openly and genuinely about deeper themes of personal identity and mortality and the current culture we live in, and so many other important things.
"Marsha, Thank You for the Dialectics" is a song about both sides of the mental health discussion and about the struggle of how everyone deals with their own personal identity in relation to their mental health treatment. Its a song that once I heard what it was really saying, it slapped me in the fucking face to say the least. I havent heard someone describe the things this song is trying to say in a way that actually made sense and summed up my feelings on the discussion so nicely ever honestly. The things Will addresses in this song are important, and its all stuff I've personally pondered on for awhile too.
Some lyrics that really stuck out to me would be these two:
"Who makes the call, whats a symptom whats a flaw, can it be both? Well I suppose thats an answer."
"Ain't your identity at stake? Does aspirin kill you with the pain?"
What a complex question, isnt it? Does treatment kill your identity, change who you are as a person? Is that a bad thing? Whats really a symptom of the mental illness and what makes it that? Do those symptoms also count as personal flaws?
What do you do when you identify too much with your illness that you feel you can't get treatment for it?
That was the real question I got stuck on for myself. Because after a lot of deeper reflection on my own behavior and thoughts towards my illness and trauma, I made a discovery I hadn't known before really thinking about what this song was saying:
I found that I was scared to be treated. I was scared of finding an identity outside of my illness. I had become so accustomed to defining a part of myself by my suffering, that i became afraid of what or who I could become without it constantly weighing me down. And thats a very heavy thing to realize about yourself, but it was a very eye opening thought for me to have.
And I dunno how much longer itd have taken me to figure out if it wasnt for this song tbh. Its just not something I wanted to think about for awhile. I became content with identifying myself by my illness, and I was resistant to seeking out treatment for fear that I wouldnt like who I'd become if I tried to treat it.
Thankfully, this is something I've been working thru more recently after having that revelation.
I don't really have some grand statement to make at the end of this. I'm really just here journalling and writing down how I feel about all of this stuff recently. But, I do think theres something to be said about how art and music can really affect people. Hell knows I've had quite a few good mental revelations about myself since listening to Wills music more recently. Its been helpful honestly.
If you take anything away from this tho, maybe it should be that its not a bad thing to examine just how much you define yourself by your illness and trauma sometimes. You might find that you're in a little too deep sometimes and want to pull yourself out.
You're more than what your illness is. And treatment for it isn't a bad thing either. I may just be learning this for myself, but I do think its true.
Just something for yall to ponder for now I suppose.
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vergeofinsanity · 2 years
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tw: literally everything under the sun. for the love of god dont actually read this
this is the worst my dysphoria has ben in so long. im physically shaking, i had an actual plan to self harm flr the first time in months. my mom started yelling at me about shaving my face. she says its because she doesnt like how it feels on her face. i know itds actually because it reminds her that im not her little girl engmotr. after my sjower she made me listen to her vent for half an hour while in the verge of my own mental break down. she told me she misses when i was a little girl. she told me she misses her little girl. she hates me. she fucking hats me. shes never gonna see me as me. she doesnt care about me. i dont have a plan for my future because i want to kill myself mom. i dont plan to have a future, thats why i dont think in the long term mom. i didnt expect to make it past the 5th fucking grade. i am so done. idek who would mourn me if i died. if i died, they would mourn the one that was already dead. the would mourn carina. my tombstone would read carina elizabeth [last name], daughter and sister. no one would mourn oliver. only one person would. the only person who sees me. i am so done. i am drowning. i am weak. im going to die whether or not its to my own hands. recently ive been wearing my binder that my whole body fucking hurts all the time. i hant breathe anymore. it feels like my back is being stabbed by thousands of hot needles. my shoulders ache with the weight of my dysphoria and my chest is slowly being molded out of shape. its all pointless. i still look like a girl. my chest is too big to look like a boys chest. fuck... im hyperventilating and shaking. i hust shed for the first time in months. i deserve this pain.
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spacingout · 3 years
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For the aro ones: 17 through 21?
What is the worst part of being aromantic?
Everyone assuming that i dont want relationships and am just gonna be alone all my life or that i hate love
What is the best part of being aromantic?
I like how I challenge the idea of love simply by being aro
How did you find out about aromanticism?
I dont really remember, but i do remember that i found it after i found asexual. There was a few months a couple years ago where i just felt lost so i searched through different web pages for hours at night just looking through different identities and reading about them then eventually found asexual and somehow got led to aromantic after coming out as asexual? Its really blurry because it all happened right before covid and quarentine. Technically a few months before it but whatever
When did you know you were aromantic?
Again its really blurry but i found asexual in November (?) 2019 and that was when i came out as such so a very short time after that but i used asexual basically to mean aromantic when i did come out as ace
Do you have any aromantic headcanons?
I think itd be cool if five was aro. Thalia grace would fit too i think.
Oh!! theres this one book trilogy i read and the main character in that is def aro. The first book is called the bear and the nightingale i think its a fantastic book trilogy and i will gladly tell more if interested
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spearxwind · 5 years
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ALRIGHT I can finally post this! The first of hopefully a bunch of big movie cgi monster reimaginings that I want to do. This was also posted one month ago on my patreon, along WIPS and other stuff, so do check it out!! 
Anyway, this is the full, in-depth rework for the indominus rex that i worked on during April!! There’s a LOT of thought that went into this. and i mean A SHIT TON. I took the time to write a long ass artist/design commentary (under the readmore, bc its long) to explain all my decisions for this, design-wise! 
I hope yall like this :’) I spent an inordinate amount of time perfecting it
Artist commentary - Indominus rex
Okay there’s a lot I want to talk about but let’s start…. at the beginning shall we.
I did this whoooole thing for two reasons: 1. I want to prove that I am at least some good at creature design, and able to do concept art for my things and 2. a lot of movie monsters, particularly ones made by legendary studios, are never…. that great at all. The indominus had SO MUCH promise as a concept, but in the end they wasted her potential and that was really sad; so i took it onto myself to try and make another, wilder take on it.
OH BUT FIRST, DISCLAIMER: The art is in no way meant to be 100% anatomically correct. First bc this thing does not and hopefully never will exist physically, and second because I’m a simple student and can only dedicate so much time to anatomy and such yes.
PART 1. CONSTRUCTION OF THE BEAST
The indominus, according to the movie, is an artificial dinosaur, made from scraps and selected genetics from both a lot of dinosaurs (tyrannosaurus, gigantosaurus, therizinosaurus, majungasaurus, rugops, velocirraptor, carnotaurus and although it is not a dinosaur it also has deinosuchus dna) and some modern animals as well (including cuttlefish, tree frog and pit viper), making it a chimera of sorts.
The first thing you might notice is that.. i gave it a veil! Like a cuttlefish’s swimmy.. fin thing. The whole top part of the indominus is a cuttlefish “cover”, and hence it can do anything a cuttlefish could do (change colors or textures) but only on that part of its body. The movie pulling the ‘yeah it can turn invisible lol’ card was hhhh because we don’t really see it in action (i mean. That’s the point but also not) and it’s kind of wild that it could have just changed its whole body’s color at will so why not put a little more sense into it and just have it be the parts influenced by the cuttlefish? Oh, and a lot of the animals used to make this genetic trainwreck are water dwelling and/or amphibian so…  this monster is ALSO amphibian. It can swim really well, and generally do well in water for certain periods of time (it’s still much better suited for land but I digress). I think it’d have used the camouflage ability especially when going along the surface of the water so it’s stark white body doesn’t stand out horribly.
For the head I went with a much more crocodilian approach since it’s supposed to be heavy and wide, however the original design had a bunch of mistakes that i aimed to fix with that too, namely: the jaw joint being literally In The Neck for some reason, made it look frail as hell and like it’d have no strength, and also it had a horribly frail looking, shrinkwrapped neck, which I also took a stab at. (Speaking of shrinkwrapping, they did the same for the skull which. yikes.)
The OG head also had a ridiculous width to it compared to the eye placement, so it wouldn’t have been able to see much at all, added to the fact that it had a really, really small brain case.
In this new version i tried to fix all those things, and added a few aspects from other animals like the eyes being a mixture between slanted frog/snake eyes, and then the cuttlefish horizontal pupil. Biologically and realistically, this wouldn’t make much sense at all but fuck it, it can’t possibly be the worst thing.
The indo I made also has a lot of spikes on its head (as opposed to just two) and they’re all forward facing (as opposed to the OG’s backward facing spikes ???) AND last but not least it has heat pits right below its eyes. Those are from the pit viper and can sense heat signatures (cause i mean. why would you make a dinosaur and specifically mention pit viper dna but then do nothing with that. oh my god.)
I also discarded all the hard scales/spikes on the back in favor of it being able to make new ‘spikes’ with the cuttlefish texturing.
Next item: the arms. In the movie they’re a big part of the dinosaur’s action for whatever reason, it behaves like a half quadrupedal half bipedal creature. Sadly i elected to ignore that. The designers gave it long talons and then justified it by using therizinosaurus, which 1. had bigger talons, proportionately and 2. had bird wrists. So it could NOT have walked on its front legs and that’s the direction i went. Amped the fuck out of those claws, and i gave it the tree frog pads on its fingers (so instead of having to always spear things, it can hold onto stuff by patting it with those) and put some webbing all over bc 1. frog dna, 2. bird dna, 3. cuttlefish dna. I also gave it pin feathers on its forearms, because yeah velociraptor dna. Whoever did the OG design just said ‘yeah we gave it pin feathers from velociraptor dna’ which is what those weird spikes on its neck were, and called it a day.
The legs and tail don’t have that much more going on for them, same stuff. Frog pads and then a couple feathers. The tail itself i imagine is less rounded like we’ve been reconstructing theropods and more crocodilian looking so it can propel itself when swimming.
PART 2. GIVING IT FLAWS
Of course, being a genetic trainwreck, it’s not a Perfect Organism™, so you can see fuck-ups here and there because this thing had so many dna used for it...,
Let’s start with the head (because it’s where most of the items are anyway.)
The fucked up teeth. Those drove me up the entire wall in the OG design because yeah, they were fucked up bc of dna and that was cool! But they also had them all on the outside for some reason?? and they were stupid sharp and small so they didn’t look like many at all… just frail in general. I changed that to have a couple external teeth (croc dna again, tbh i just went with a lot of croc) and then a LOT of teeth actually inside the mouth. Also asymmetrical because, again. fuckt up.
In the mouth too, it’s got two tongues. One is actually functional, and the other (the snakey one) is fused to the bottom of its mouth. Itd still function as a smell sensory organ like an actual snake’s, it just cannot be thwiped out of the mouth.
The hole in its lower jaw is also the snake dna fucking up, making a not-quite-split jaw. It’s not functional either, it’s just a hole. It’s also got a regular opening to flick the tongue out like a normal snake, it just can’t.
I … did not give it scales (i did give it HINTS of scales, but nothing major) Because. yeah i figured it would be less likely to have them in this scenario haha
Also apparently in the movie they said it could manipulate its heat signature and i just scrapped that entirely cause what the fuck. I mean it’s cool but it didn’t do much, i feel like it’d be scarier if they could have KNOWN where this thing was but just couldn’t zone in on it either way bc it was that good at being stealthy.
The colors. The OG design is white bc of the invisibility thing, and it gives it an overall artificial feel that is great. I wasn’t quite able to emulate that because I went for a more naturally colored look, it’s just an albino bastard. Being this color would definitely be a disadvantage since it’d make it visible to everyone, so rather than just go ‘oh god oh fuck’ [turns invisible] and be done it’d have to curl up and position itself so the veil covers any would-be visible parts of it.
And uhh that’s about all I have! Ty for reading!
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jungshookz · 5 years
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You know what would be great???? Culinary student! Jin and a hopeless y/n who eats ramen out of coffee pots and eats cool whip straight out of the can. Also ily and I hope you know that
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→ pairing: kim seokjin x reader
→ genre: what a surprise it’s bratty!y/n, culinarystudent!jin and his fancy pasta, humour, a touch of nsfw because i’m obsessed with jin’s broAd shoulders it’s almost ridiculous
→ wordcount: 3.4k
→ note: i hope i did ur request justice also i love u more :~)))
(gif isn’t mine!) ((also i was going to use a gif of him actually cooking but tumblr refusEd to accept it so i’m sorry)) 
listen
being completely honest
jin thinks you’re really cute
like SUPER cute
like he’s really REALLy frickin attracted to you because you’re just so??? yOU and somehow it works and it gets his gears GRINDING okay
you were the one who moved in right next door and you greeted him with a friendly smile and a ‘here, i baked cookies!’ and of course he accepted the cookie because he’s not a complete monster
but good GOD
that cookie was awful
and to be fair he’s a culinary student so it makes sense that he has high standards but even a fOOL would know that your cookies were god-awful
before you got the chance to distribute your nasty cookies out to the rest of the people on your floor jin was like hEY hEY how about you give me.,.,,. all of your cookies,.,.. because i,.,. really like them.,.,., and.,., i want to eat.,.,. all of them.,., thank u., yes,.
anyways
you’ve known each other for almost eight months?
and nothing has happened because let’s be real
you’re both wussies
and no one’s admitting anything to anyone so you’re kind of in this flirty-friendly space and you’re both FULLY aware that there’s like.,.,. a sprinkle of flirting going on.,,
but you know what
that’s beside the point
he doesn’t even know why he’s thinking about his undeniable crusH on you
because right now all jin can focus on is the fact that you’re eating ramen out of a coffee pot
let him repeat himself
you’re eating ramen
out of a
a COFFEE pot
you’re in the middle of rambling to him about your day and he’s trying to pay attention to what you’re saying but he wants to scream every time to pause to sluRP out of the coffee pot
laundry room gossip is a pretty normal thing for you two
you’re both so busy during the day
you with your classes and jin with his culinary classes
so once or twice a week you’ll both coordinate a time to come down and do your laundry together (you guys usually shove all your clothes in together because u end up saving some $$ too) and you’ll both end up sitting there for a couple hours just talking to each other while waiting for your clothes
jin raises a brow before pressing his lips together
his mother raised him not to be judgemental but COME ON
RAMEN
out of a COFEE POT??????
out of all the things he’s seen you done this has to be the absolute worst
here are a couple of examples as to what monstrosities you’ve exposed him to:
a cold pizza sandwich (two slices of cold pizza with a drizzle of ranch and crunched up cheetos as the filling)
cereal eaten out of the baG ITSELF (u poured the milk in and everything)
chicken pancakes?? aka shredded deep fried chicken and shredded cheese mixed inTO pancake batter and panfried and then topped with a dollop of sour cream and a sprinkle of green onions
one time you made scrambled eggs in a mug and dat shit looked nasty
but this
this doesn’t even make sense
disrespecting what looks like a pretty high-quality coffee pot (he remembers you got it for christmas or something) by using it as a holder for $1 ramen
it’s probably going to stink up the coffee pot and every time you make coffee it’s always going to have that faint aftertaste of chicken broth
a shudder goes down his spine and he winces
you perk up when the drying machine suddenly beeps and stops rumbling “god finaLLy”
jin keeps his eyes glued on the damn coffee pot as you set it down next to your basket and go to retrieve your freshly-dried clothes
you bend down and pop open the dryer and the loud hiss makes jin look over
“jin?” he glances away quickly and looks up at the ceiling as a poor attempt to conceal the fact that he was totally just checking u out just now
“hm, what?” he clears his throat
“aren’t you going to come and get your clothes?”
“oh, right.” jin pushes himself up off the ground and grabs his basket
he props it up on his hip and starts picking out his clothes from the pile
“hey, these are cute.” jin can’t help but smirk as he twirls a burgundy thong around his finger
your cheeks flame up immediately
“cut it out, you perv” you scowl playfully and grab it from him quickly
the little voice in the back of your mind can’t help but wonder if perhaps jin would be interested in seeing you wear the thong
it comes with a matching bralette
hm
“ya-“ jin pokes your arm and you look over at him “was that your dinner?” he points to the coffee pot and you glance over at it “didn’t you have ramen yesterday?”
“…yeah. instant ramen has been my dinner every day for the past week. why?” you hum nonchalantly and continue picking through the pile
you help jin out and toss one of his white t-shirts into his basket
jin can’t help but let his jaw drop
you’ve been eating processed garBAGe for the past weEK
how???????????
“it’s never enough for me tho so i usually eat a bag of chips too. i might have a frozen mac n’ cheese thingy in the freezer so that’s an option too.” you gasp excitedly “ooh i can crumble the chips over the mac n’ chee-“
“oh my god.” all of a sudden jin reaches over and puShes the rest of the clothes into his basket before grabbing your wrist and dragging you towards the door
“hey, we haven’t finished sorting out the-“
“we’ll do it later i just need to get some actual foOD into your system before all the MSG and sodium starts breakING down your internal organs”
as he’s dragging you up the stairs (the elevator is broken again what a surprise) you can’t help but admire how b r o a d his shoulders are
the cotton shirt he’s wearing is kinda thin and u swear u can see his back muscles flexing slightly
you can’t help but wonder what it’d feel like
running your hands all along his back
digging your nails into his shoulders as he,.,,., y’know
wrapping your legs around his tapered waist as he.,,.,.,. y’knOW
s i g h
you purposely pull back a little so jin slows down and gives u more time to ogle him
are you a pervert for doing that
you might be
“let me see what’s in your fridge so i can work my magic”
he’s never actually been in your apartment before
well
he’s never had a reaSon to
(you always wanna invite him in to watch a movie or something but u get shy and shrivel up immediately)
he has a good idea of the layout because his place is exactly the same as yours
he’s not surprised to see that your place is relatively neat and organised besides a couple scattered markers on the coffee table and a throw blanket tossed haphazardly over the couch
there’s a candle burning away in the middle of the coffee table that makes your place smell like warm vanilla
but then
he enters the war zone
the kitchen
oh my god
this is a living nightmare
this is HIS living nightmare
there’s just
he sees all the takeout boxes in the bin and the pizza box sitting on your kitchen island and the- well that must’ve been your breakfast or something because you sprinkled cinnamon toast crunch on a bagel smeared with waY too much cream cheese
“oh hey i forgot about this” a piece of jin’s soul dies and floats up to heaven when you pop the rest of your cinnamon-cream-cheese-bagel monstrosity into your mouth and chew thoughtfully
why does he like you
“ah, i probably should’ve offered you a bite… i’ll make one for you tomorrow if you want!”
whY DOES HE LIKE U
“i’m… good. i think i’m more than good.” he shudders before nudging past you heading to your fridge “lemme see what we’re working with here…”
“you know you really don’t have to make anything for me. i told you i had a frozen mac and cheese…” you’re rambling and jin is most certainly not paying attention to you mainly because he’s shocked becAUSE you have like NOTHING in your fridge
a bottle of three-cheese ranch
a couple oranges, an avocado, and one red apple
a half-eaten sandwich?? it looks like turkey and a shitload of mayo
a takeout box with…,,. three pieces of orange chicken and a piece of broccoli that you’ve taken a bite out of
a baby carton of chocolate milk and a regular sized carton of milk
and a can of cool whip
unless he makes an orange-chicken-turkey-avocado sandwich with ranch on the side accompanied with a glass of chocolate milk with a dollop of whipped cream on top there’s not a lot he can do here
is thiS how you live
“you know what, maybe you should just come over to my place!” jin closes the fridge and clasps his hands together “yeah, let’s do that.”
“what do you mean?? i have plenTy of food in my fridg- okAy” you stumble over your feet when jin grabs your wrist and drags you away from the fridge
when you enter jin’s place he pushes you down on the couch and you nearly bounce off of it “you stay here, and i’ll whip something up for us.”
as he turns to head towards his kitchen he hears a vioLent schrrr
he turns back around and your finger freezes on the nozzle on the whipped cream canister
“wha- where did you even hiDe that” jin furrows his brows and you shrug before squirting some more into your mouth
“you sure you don’t need any help??” you’re already bored and you’ve only been here for less than a minute
“i don’t want you burning down my kitchen, so i’m good.”
“but i’m boRed and i’m hunGRY” you whine and flop back against the couch
jin raises a brow before bending down and grabbing the remote
he turns the tv on and it just so happens to be playing the late-night cartoons
perfect for a petulant child like you
miraculously jin gets 20 minutes of peace and quiet until he hears you whining again about how hunGry again
that’s what happens when you eat nothing but empty calorie foods
your eyes light up with excitement when jin emerges from the kitchen
he has a rag tossed over his shoulder and a grey apron hanging around him that you assume is from his culinary school
his cheeks are kinda pink from the heat of the kitchen which is adorable
he sits down next to you and you turn to fully face him while crossing your legs
he hands you the plate
wow
“….do you go to culinary school or something?” you tease and jin snorts
the pasta’s been plated into a loose nest and there’s a pretty little basil leaf sitting on top
“chicken, bacon, and spinach spaghetti. and since you’re a whipped cream freak we can have assorted berries and whipped cream for dessert.”
“assorted berries.” you mock quietly and jin scowls playfully before handing you a fork
he doesn’t know why but he’s a little bit nervous lol
like he KNOWS he’s good at cooking but for some reason he feels like he’s presenting a dish to gordon ramsay or someone of that calibre
you twirl a bit of pasta around the fork and shove it into your mouth
and you didn’t think it was possible
but you’re pretty sure your mouth is having an orgasm
HOLy shit
fireworks are going OFF
the bacon has retained its crisp
the spinach is wilted but not toO wilted that it’s falling apart
the chicken is so soft and tender
the spaghetti is cooked *ahem* al dente
and the sauce!!!!
it’s so creamy
so flavourful
you swallow your bite and blink down at the plate of pasta
“what’s wrong?”
“this is…. almost too good.” you mutter and poke at a piece of perfectly cooked chicken before stabbing into it and popping it into your mouth
jin’s cheeks warm with pride as he watches you continue to eat
“it’s almost as good as my frozen mac n cheese meals.” you joke and jin resists the urge to smack you with his rag
it doesn’t matter if you’ve eaten 20 pounds of food for dinner because you’ll always aLWAys have room for dessert
especially if dessert involves whipped cream
it’s healthy-ish!! it’s basically dairy and don’t u need dairy for strong bones or something
and strawberries and blueberries are fruit
and fruit is healthy
so if you really think about it assorted berries and whipped cream is the ideal combo if u wanna get in shape
jin doesn’t trust you with the canister of whipped cream (because he’s 100% sure you’re just going to hog all the cream and squirt all of it into your mouth) so he’s squirting some out onto a particularly juicy looking strawberry that he knoWS you want to devour
he turns and offers it to you and your mouth opens automatically as you lean forward to take it into your mouth
“hold on now.” your brows immediately knit together when he pulls away juSt as you’re about to take a bite “admit it. my spaghetti is much better than your stupid mac n cheese meals.” there’s a glint of playfulness in his eyes as he points to his ear and waits for your response
“i dunno. i get the mac n cheese from whole foods so you know it’s good.” you tsk but keep your eyes right on the berry hovering in front of you
“huh. i guess i’ll be enjoying this seasonal japanese strawberry for myself, then.” jin pouts mockingly
“nO i WANT IT“ jin yelps when you’re suddenly clambering over and grabbing his wrist so that you can shoVe the berry right into your mouth
now
a normal person would eat the berry and then return to their seat
unsurprisingly
you are far from a normal person
you keep your hold on his wrist and suck the whipped cream off his thumb after swallowing the strawberry
god have mercy
your eyes flicker up and you see jin staring right at you with parted lips
“…something the matter?”
and within one second
the berries and your trusty canister of whipped cream have both been abandoned in favour for
well
“can’t believe it took you thiS long to make a move” you murmur against jin’s mouth and he responds by nipping at your bottom lip
“says you!” he gawks before proceeding to press kisses down your neck
and you finALLY get to feel his muscles rippLe underneath the soft cotton of his shirt as you slide your hands from his waist to his back
meanwhile jin’s hand has found its home in between your legs and your eyes flutter shut “god, jin…”
“something the matter?” he mocks before pressing a chaste kiss to your mouth “you gonna admit it now?”
“admit wha- oh, jin - admit whaT”
“that my food is better than your frozen TV dinners” you would’ve burst out laughing if it weren’t for the shocks of electricity tingling up your spine
“n-no way-“ your back arches against his chest and your mouth falls open in a silent moan
and suddenly
you let out a pathetic whine when jin’s hand pulls away from in between your legs “fine. i guess we’re done here!” he sits up but keeps your legs wrapped around his waist
god
you are just a vision aren’t you
you’re flopped back against the arm of the couch
your chest is heaving slightly
your cheeks and nice n rosy
“you are the absolute worst.”
“c’mon… say it…”  he hums and slides a finger from your knee cap to your inner thigh
you know for a fact you two aren’t done here because jin’s already hooked a finger into the waistband of your shorts but you’re naturally a veRy impatient person and so-
“fine, you idiot. your food is significantly better than my frozen TV dinners. happy?”
“…i’ll take it.”
((spoiler alert: you are rewarded with not one not two but thREE mind-blowing orgasms for admitting it))
((maybe you should learn to be less stubborn))
“good morning!” jin is startled awake when you plop on top of him with your legs on either side of him “it’s 10 o’clock and i made us some food”
“christ, don’t scare me like that!” jin scolds you playfully and reaches up to pinch the side of your bare thigh
you’re wearing the shirt he had on last night and it’s starting to droop off your shoulder
“good morning indeed.” his voice is thick with sleep and his hand slides up from your thigh to grasp at your waist “whatcha got there?”
“cinnamon toast crunch bagel” you murmur with a mouthful of bagel and swipe at a lil chunk of cream cheese on the corner of your mouth “my wonderful creation that i made fresh for you”
you’re getting crumbs all over jin but he can’t seem to care because the idea of a cinnamon toast crunch bagel makes him want to throW YOU ouT THE WINDOW
he sits up slowly and wraps an arm around your waist before nuzzling into the crook of your neck “you’re lucky i like you otherwise i would throw your wonderful creation righT into the garbage bin right about now.”
you scoff in mock offence and pull away from him before jabbing a sticky finger into his bare (b r o a d) chest
“don’t knock it til you try it!!”
“the day i try one of your inventions is the day i- mmph!” you shut him up and shove the last bite of your bagel into his mouth before clasping your hand over his mouth so he can’t spit it out
jin chews slowly
and swallows
what the hell
that actually..,,. that tasted good
“that was okay, i suppose. kinda sweet. but i can think of something that might taste a little sweeter.” before you know it jin is flipPing you over and you find yourself pinned underneath him
you’re a giggling mess because you’re trying to get the cream cheese and sugar particles off your fingers but jin is being very vEry distracting
“hOLd on a second sir i have breakfast waiting for us in the living room!” jin’s already made his way down your chest and is about to set up shop in between your legs
he looks up at you before offering you a cheeky grin “…i’m in the mood for breakfast in bed, aren’t you?”
help me help you make your wishes come tru (aka send me a request)
masterlist
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Text
no more vanilla bean ice cream
they were out of vanilla bean ice cream, they had vanilla, french vanilla, sweet cream vanilla and cheesecake vanilla, but not vanilla bean, when did everyone all of a sudden get into vanilla bean, everyone was a pig they could not care less about the bean in the vanilla or not, but now apparently everyone was into vanilla bean ice cream because last week there was a full row of umpqua vanilla bean ice cream and now there was none
so I’m waiting in line at safeway with my subpar vanilla ice cream after I had gone on a much needed quarantine run right after spending two hours texting my friend and she was telling me about how google owns all the data in the world and not only has enough data to know me better than myself, but since they know everyone else’s data too, they know my friends data so they know me in context, the whole thing was very depressing so depressing i didnt even want to use a period in my writing anymore because what the fuck was the point of punctuation anyway in this world, i would still be nice and use commas, just to give my fingers a break and be able to get a thought in or so. 
i guess i could also accommodate for paragraphs break at visually appropriate times, it didn't matter if it was contextually appropriate or not, i was going to drop a paragraph break because i know people like paragraphs, charles dickens and dostoevsky and jane austen and leo tolstoy never made paragraph breaks that's why no one ever read their books, people just say they read them to seem smart but they never really read them they just knew it was the right thing to say that they were literary geniuses because their books were so long, see people like to lie and say they know the work of a great author even though they only read a few  quotes by them, but that was enough to say good and bad things about writers without ever knowing what the hell they did, few understand the theory of relativity but everyone calls einstein a genius. 
the thing about quarantine was that at this point i had gotten used to seeing very few people in my life and i was enjoying it so whenever i had to go to the supermarket i had to see all these people and boy were they gross, maybe i would not have seen them as so gross if had gotten my vanilla bean ice cream but i had not so, they were gross, they were all getting so fat, and fat in like weird ways, not like fat on the sides like the michelin tire guy or a cute belly like the pillsbury dough boy or like that kinda funny superfat like homer simpson or peter griffin they were just gross fat, like it looked like they had just been eating garbage and watching netflix fat, like this one guy seemed like if you got a pillowcase filled it up with hot lard and then poked two pool cues on the bottom of it, this other lady looked like a minifridge emptied into a potato sack.
the asses were the worst part, it was kinda hot so everyone was wearing shorts and it was not appropriate when they wear shorts always have that like red line right under the shorts and it does not look that great, the oddest one was the skinny ass but with fat legs, i did not get that one, the person would have no ass mass at all but then the legs were super fat i did not understand what they were doing to get their bodies to look this way, a lot of people were also walking around with wedgies, a lot of people were also walking around in pajamas covered in animal hair and it was gross, its like you have nowhere to go, you are all complaining about not having the right to go out, so when you do go out why not maybe spruce things up, honour life, honour your fellow human, no, screw that we are all going to behave like the whole entire public sphere is a big ass pijama party,
the whole facemask thing, wait before, i start talking about the facemask thing, everytime i start a new paragraph, google is trying to force me into capitalizing the first letter, it doesn't even ask me if i want to capitalize it, it just goes ahead and does it, google is such an presumptuous douche sometimes, now when i write in gmail, it autocompletes all my sentences, great so we can all sound like robots, and it does it like automatically, so i ending having to erase the lame sentence it wrote, i mean i would have probably come up with something similar or exactly the same too, after all there are only  so many ways to say goodbye, but id like to think it was my idea, these engineers had no savoir faire, just so you know, so now i hope that everytime you start to read a new paragraph you imagine me hitting the backspace button to delete their fascist capital letters, and its frustrating because im really trying to write as fast as i can, i bet you can tell
see it happened again, and its not that i just have to hit the delete, i have to get my mouse and put my cursor there so it like detects its not just on mistake i am trying to delete their smartass capital letter, so yeah to the facemask thing, the whole facemask thing was pretty dumb, i mean if the facemask was the windshield to the coronavirus i didnt get how casual people were being about, they would just pull it right down under their noise, oh great now you have all your coronavirus on your nostrils, what the hell, i didnt get it, im pretty sure noone in that safeway store had coronavirus, and it was coronavirus not covid19, what is it about us having to find dandy little names for things, it was the coronavirus and thats that, so yeah we were all carrying about these facemasks that if they were really protecting us from the coronavirus lingering in the air then we were being flagrantly irresponsible in our use, but deep down we all felt it wasnt, but we just had to wear one because it was the rule, but we all knew noone in the store had coronavirus
it may sound weird, but i think you know when someone has coronavirus, its like you can just tell, you know like other things you can just tell about a person, i remember i once went up to san francisco about a month ago, and i saw this guy on the muni line headed to the bayview that for sure had coronavirus, he wasnt coughing or anything, but i saw him and i knew he definitely had coronavirus, it wasnt because he was black or chinese or  anything, this isnt like a hidden racist joke, i could just tell, i freaked out , and i havent gone up to the city since then, and then, lo and behold they announced that a muni driver got the corona and that the bayview district had the most corona cases in the cities, see sometimes you can just tell
im pretty sure that day i even had the corona on me, i mean i didnt get it, but im pretty sure it landed on my hand, but i washed it before i touched any of my mucous parts, but it was there with me, i dont think it was from the guy on the bus thought, i think it landed from this other guy, i went to a deli to buy water, bananas, coca cola and chocolate and this guy was kinda drunk and talking real loud and coming real close and i could feel the air get really moist when he passed by me and my hand was exposed and i know that at that moment some of it got on my hand, but i didnt panic, i knew i couldnt lose my cool, i had to just play it smooth, and wait till i could get to the studio and wash my hand and everything else, i was really thorough i walked the whole way back to the studio with my hand outstretched so it wouldnt touch my jacket or anything, i could feel it was there, it was for sure there, but i played it cool and washed it and nothing happen, but i was that close 
 and thats why you have to wash your hands because you could be that close too to having coronavirus, so see im not that crazy, that the reason they recommend us all to wash our hands, because at some point it could be that close to you, and if you don't wash your hand before your touch your eye, boom you got coronavirus, crazy to think that you too could have had coronavirus on you, and you could have, but now i think there isnt that much coronavirus on things anywhere, i think the coronavirus is like hiding or something, i think the coronavirus are like finding their niches and stuff, like if you ask me i think the coronavirus right now is probably somewhere where the sun dont shine, i bet it like flew to a a dirty dive bar that was totally shut down windows boarded and everything, but its there just chilling on the sticky counter, waiting to come back in the summer, i also think it might be at like some nasty to-go food place, like there is this wing place open till midnite around my house, i bet there is a little coronavirus there, but only a little bit, and its like one of the lazy ones, so i dont think it feels like jumping on anyone
at work i have to tell the staff how to wash their hands, i tell them they have to wash on top of their hand, palm of their hand, each finger, in between fingers, under the finger nails, and up to the elbow, but i mean if they have coronavirus, and their touching my food, i think its going to get on the to go box anyway, but its the rules so i play along, i even translated the rules, and told them to sign a paper, the paper also said that they had to wear a facemask, its not like they have multiple facemasks, i mean we are going to give them a few, but its up to them to wash it, one guy asked me if he could use the same one for a few days, i told him no, but i mean even if he washes his facemask before work and then lets say he puts it in his pocket, what if his jacket has corona but his facemask doesnt, itd be a real shame if his corona jacket infected his noncorona facemask, but i saw him and i dont think he had corona anyway
im repeating the same point and the rant is losing steam, so i gotta ramp it back up, or maybe no, maybe its not all just about ranting, maybe i should tell you some good things, like ill tell you about my run, the day was so nice, it was bright and sunny, and thats really all i gotta say, the point that i have more to say about right now is that i feel like im writing like that kid from catcher in the rye, that kid was a real case, i cant say i disliked the kid, but i wouldnt hang out with him, i mean in general i wouldnt be hanging out with high schoolers, but i might hang out with him after he grows up, i think we were all like that kid at some point, and the ones that arent, are soul dead and just go to work and drink craft beer and probably become those engineers without savoir faire that figure out the code to finish my email sentences
but i also feel that i am writing likes james joyce in ulysses, those are two books that i read from cover to cover ulysses and catcher in the rye, all it takes is a good fucked up guy to write something honest and you can get me to finish it, james joyce was all about stream of consciousness, crazy to think that ulysses is regularly named the best book of the century, and it wasnt even that bad of a century for books, it was a crazy book, and it was daring and new to just expose how he felt a person thought, and i mean it was pretty smart, because that is how we think, we jump around and we get nervous and self conscious and horny and we think in simple letters, and our memories associate things weirdly, i mean dante was the best writer of all the time, but i dont know anyone that thinks inside their brain in metered stanzas, if there was such a person, i dont know if id like to meet him, it would be a lot to handle good novels have taught me a lot, they've confused me too, but overall taught me things, see life is a grey thing, like there arent absolute values, 
for us human beings, its easy to think of things as black and white, good and bad, yes or no, but thats not how it goes, there is a lot of grey area, and thats why i guess i liked ulysses, see the whole book is about this guy that is roaming around dublin, while he knows his wife is cheating on him, the last chapter is a stream of consciousness from his wifes mind, in which she just goes through her mind thinking about her past lovers and this guy she is cheating on her husband with, and ultimately she feels bad and when her husband climbs back into bed with her, shes like thinking oh there he is again, old leopold, but hes my leopold and she i guess kinda does admit to loving him, life hurts like that sometimes, a woman can still love you but cheat on you, a man can do it too, anyone can cheat on you, but still love you, anyone can hurt you and still love you, its a rough reality, remember i wrote an essay on this book, and the teacher said that i should save it and give it to the woman i marry it was so good, i didnt save it so i guess that wont ever happen, i cant even remember what i said, probably something about forgiveness and the abstract beauty of love, i was only twenty, i could have said anything
i wish i could remember what i wrote though, nowadays a lot of people are walking around with fear of intimacy issues, they are scared to open up to people, you know a lot of people are saying that they have intimacy issues, so i wanted to figure out more,  i looked it up on wikipedia and it said there were four types of people, normal people that love themselves and can share intimacy with others, people that think themselves unworthy of intimacy but seek it, people that are scared of being intimate with others out of fear of rejection, and people that have self worth but think others are undeserving of intimacy, i think the whole thing probably comes from parental stuff, that's always the freudian way of looking at things, its kind of a shame because i think people really do like laying in bed and talking comfortably with someone after a wild fuck, when i wrote the essay i didnt have intimacy issues, but i might now, i dont know, and even if  i did i dont know what type of of person i am,  i guess sometimes people do say some stupid things, and stupid things out of  a naked person are the worst kind of stupid things, whatever its wikipedia, anyone could have written, just like the original science study it supposedly based on,
ok this all getting too gooey and it lost its sharp vibe, i think that we were on a roll, when we were on the coronavirus landing places part, but then i get too serious and stuff, i do still want to talk about books i like, you know like thats one of the favorite things english teachers like to do, they like to analyze all the references that an authour made to other books, normally its the bible or the odyssey or some other greek or roman classic, like ulysses was modeled after the odyssey, i remember the teacher always talked about that, ive never read the odyssey or the iliad, ive heard they are great books, but i try not to say it myself, i do say that homer was a great poet though, but i never read his stuff, i mean ive read the first line, but i dont know the whole story or anything, i guess we are all hypocrites at some point or another, i do know however that ulysses was in one of dantes circles of hell, because he was advisor to deceit, the deceit of having that big horse full of soldiers go into to troy, so he ended up in hell, talking about hell that was another book they loved to reference, the bible, the bible doesnt see things grey, they see it black or white, this morning i woke up at four in the morning, and i couldnt get back to bed, so i pulled to a random spot and started reading proverbs, they make it seem so simple, this is good, that is is bad, i wish it were that simple, it used to be that simple like that when i was little kid, maybe it still is but,  i just refuse to see it that way
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engekihaikyuu · 5 years
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Hyper Projection Engeki Haikyuu – The Tokyo Battle
Entertainment Station Interview Translation with Nagata Takato and Kondou Shouri
Full interview translation and more photos under the Read More! Please do not repost my translations or scans.
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Nagata-san and Kondou-san, it’s been about year since we’ve seen you appear in this series since “Start of the Giant.”
Takato: One year huh... Ever since we first appeared back in December of 2016 with “Karasuno, Revival!” we’ve done an Engeki Haikyuu every six months afterward, and at that pace I sort of worried if I might get a little tired of it, but I’ve been able to add to my experience with other plays in the past year, and now I really want to bring “The Tokyo Battle” to life.  
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Shouri: Karasuno High won’t be appearing in “The Tokyo Battle,” but together with everyone in Fukurodani and Nohebi, we’re going to get everyone even more excited about the amazing production that is Engeki Haikyuu!
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When you’re doing photoshoots for the play visuals, do you get back the feeling of Kuroo instantly once you put on the hair and the makeup and the uniform?
Shouri: In one sense, but even more because we move around a lot during those shoots, and when I start to feel sore after we’re done, then I feel like, “Ah, this is Haikyuu!” (laughs)
Takato: Once rehearsals start, you basically live with a little bit of muscle soreness all the time.  Every single time we do this, the day after the first day of rehearsals, I’m sore all over and it’s hard to even walk.
Shouri: I move around a lot in other shows too, and I go to the gym regularly, but even so Engeki Haikyuu rehearsals are seriously tough! The stage is slanted, and just from that alone you end up using muscles you don’t normally use just to brace yourself on certain parts of the stage.  
Takato: That’s how we train our “Haikyuu muscles.” (laughs)
Speaking of those “Haikyuu muscles,” which specific muscles would those be?
Shouri: Mostly your lower half.  Your thighs and calves get especially rock-hard.  The road back to rehearsals is a lot of, “Yeah yeah, that! That pain,” but that is part of the Engeki Haikyuu experience, and I’m going to enjoy it all over.  
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This time we’ll see Fukurodani Academy and Nohebi Academy as they compete for a spot for the Spring High national tournament.  What are your impressions of your opponents?  
Takato: When it comes to Fukurodani’s Bokuto Koutarou and Akaashi Keiji, this will actually be our third time appearing together with them, but this will be Nohebi Academy’s first appearance... so I wonder?  But you can tell just by looking at the school names that our secondary theme is “Battle of the Animals,” and the thing to look for will be to see how the fight will go when it’s cats versus owls or when it’s cats versus snakes.  
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As a fan, I’m very much looking forward to see how Engeki will portray the various highlight scenes from the manga.  Do you personally have any parts where you think, “It’d be great if we could have that scene from the manga,” or “I’d love to make this my highlight scene?”  
Shouri: For me, it’s the combination plays between Kuroo Tetsurou and Kozume Kenma.  When I read the manga, I immediately thought, “That was amazing!” for certain parts and I definitely want to recreate some of those on-stage.  
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Takato: In the manga, this is the part where we get a lot of great expressions from Kenma.  For example, after Haiba Lev joins in, the usually poker-faced Kenma starts to make a lot of snide comments. (laughs)  But that side of Kenma is cute too, and I always want to play him while keeping that in mind.  And then of course, Nekoma will be the main school this time, so we’ll be situated right in the center of everything, so our level of responsibility has changed. We’re going to lead the company with confidence and make a magnificent play.  
Shouri: For Nekoma, I’m looking forward to seeing the first-years develop.  I’m looking forward to Ishikura Noah’s Haiba Lev and Kimura Fuuta’s Shibayama Yuuki, and the new female cast members!
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Since this will be an episode without Karasuno who have been the main characters thus far, and adding in the new cast members as well, this production as a whole is going to have a different atmosphere and color and style, isn’t it?
Takato: If we don’t change to something new and good, then everything we’ve built up so far will go to waste.  I think it’s going to be extremely difficult, but we’re continuing the will of the Engeki Haikyuu that we’ve built up together with Suga Kenta and everyone else in the first generation of Karasuno who led the way, and from now on, we have to be the ones to lead the way... I firmly believe that.
Shouri: Let’s help each other!  We’ll help each other, support each other, boost each other... because that’s our specialty on Nekoma.  
Takato: Yeah.  I can say with confidence that we won’t lose to any other school when it comes to our teamwork.  We’ll display that great teamwork of ours front and center, and hope to create a new Engeki Haikyuu with everyone in the cast. 
And now I’d like to look back on previous tours.  I’d like to ask you about your memories of the Karasuno cast who graduated at the end of last year.
Takato:  We spent about two years with them starting with “Karasuno, Revival!” and in a certain sense, we have an inseparable relationship.  Even if we’re a different school, we’ve been Karasuno members ourselves in some ways...
Shouri:  It does feel like even the Karasuno cast think of us as part of them.  “Karasuno and then some.”  During the Miyagi portion of the “Start of the Giant” tour, me and Takato, Kenta-kun, Kosaka Ryoutarou, and Arita Kenji were talking, and then suddenly everyone from Karasuno had gathered together, and someone said something along the lines of, “This will be the last Engeki Haikyuu with these guys, and that’s sad,” and I just involuntarily started crying.  
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Takato: We had a closing party of sorts in the middle of the tour, and when I hugged Kenta-kun, I just wailed.  
Shouri: At first I thought, “Come on, we haven’t even finished all our shows yet,” but then suddenly it was me and Takato and Kenta-kun all hugging and wailing together. (strained laugh)  Seeing us like that, everyone laughed and said, “You guys, we’re not even done yet, why are you crying?!” but we were really sad about Karasuno’s graduation.  
Takato: But it doesn’t mean that our relationship ends just because they graduated, and I definitely want to act together with them in some other production.  Probably they’ll come hang out during rehearsals of “The Tokyo Battle”?
Shouri: Kenta-kun said, “I’m going to keep watching over Engeki Haikyuu from the audience, and I’m going to stay over in the dressing rooms too!” (laughs)
Takato: In exchange for us just turning over a dressing room for Kenta-kun’s use, he can treat us to bentos!
Shouri: Let’s LINE him and say, “Treat us to some bentos ♡”.  (laughs)
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As rehearsals formally begin for “The Tokyo Battle,” is there anything you’re especially looking forward to?
Shouri: There’s a lot I’m looking forward to, but the most important thing is that we stay careful and focused so that we don’t get injured!  I really think we have to be careful about injuries, and in the worst case that someone does get injured, that the damage will be minimal.  So I’ve been thinking that I need to do some training on my own starting now.  
Obviously this is true of cast injuries, but when I heard that even the director Worry Kinoshita-san isn’t free from injury, I was surprised. (laughs)
Takato: Ah, that makes it seem like it’s our fault but it’s not! (laughs)  Worry-san will watch us at rehearsals and then on his own just go, “No, not like that! That part’s more... -jerks his ankle- Owww!” and then he twisted his ankle, but we didn’t do anything.  
Shouri: Worry-san gets the most excited when he’s with our group.  When the music gets going, he’ll dance his “Worry☆Dance,” and then when he gets too excited from that, he ends up hurting himself. (strained laugh)
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Engeki Haikyuu obviously has dancing, lifts, and acrobatics, and I’m always surprised with the various ways in which you use your bodies to express everything.
Takato: It’s the appeal of Engeki Haikyuu: it surpasses the general concept of a stage play and greedily takes in and incorporates all sorts of challenging things.  We attack our limits and then the breadth of what we can show gets steadily more expansive. It’s fun for us, and I think it’s really cool.  
Be honest, have you ever once had a moment where you said, “This is impossible!”
Takato: Even if I think it’s impossible, when I try it out I can be surprisingly capable.  In “Start of the Giant,” there’s a part where Shouri and I do a one-handed backflip followed immediately by a dolphin and then from there we do a scorpion to get up... Trying to explain it is... It’s easier to understand if you just watch the DVD (strained laugh), but even that seemingly impossible sequence of techniques is doable once you try it.  In “Summer of Evolution,” when Shouri and I were using pro-wrestling moves like Luchadors, I got that down in one blow.  
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That was when you wrapped your legs around his neck and then flipped around, right?
Takato: Yes, exactly.  That’s a contact move, so it’s really important to have a lot of trust in each other.
Shouri: If we don’t match our timing, he’d go flying so it’s a pretty scary technique, but we just went, “Something like this?” and tried it, and we did it.  
Takato: At Engeki Haikyuu, we have brainstorming sessions and there people suggest things going, “I want to try this kind of thing,” and then we decide what we’ll use.  During “Start of the Giant,” I wanted to throw in hints to a line from the manga about “a controlled fist-fight” and suggested, “For the Nekoma and Fukurodani match scenes, what if we have us appear on-stage in those hooded robes like boxers wear and make it look like a boxing match?” and people went, “That’s great!” and we went with that.  
Shouri: And this time I think we’ll be using a lot of moves that mimic animals according to our school names, so please look forward to how that’ll look.  
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“The Tokyo Battle” opens on April 5th starting in Osaka, then moving to Miyagi, then Tokyo for a one-month long tour. Please give us a message to everyone who’s looking forward to seeing this play.
Takato: We are carrying on the torch for Engeki Haikyuu, and from here on I think a brand new Engeki Haikyuu will begin.  We will meet the expectations of everyone who’s loved Engeki Haikyuu until now, and to people who haven’t yet seen Engeki Haikyuu, we’ll show them the Engeki Haikyuu charm.  To that end, everyone on the cast will give their all together, so please come see us!  
Shouri: This is a production that children and adults, men and women can enjoy without question, so if you’re on the fence going, “Should I go see it? Hmm, what should I do?” I want you to take this chance and definitely come see us.  We’ll definitely make you have a good time, and put on a production that’ll work up your spirits!  We’ll be waiting for you at the theater!!  
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Translated by @nimbus-cloud Please do not repost my translations
If you appreciate the work I do for this blog and want to support my translation efforts, please consider donating a ko-fi!  (x)
The original interview can be read online here: (x)
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Bonus: Kenta quote-RTing their interview
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Kenta (x) The crybaby duo.
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helperhoopoe · 4 years
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hi! recently i just started college and im doing an aerospace engineering. I relly like the career, i mean im pretty happy with it, but i dont know why, lately i just find so unsatisfying to do something at all, like study, get up to go to classes, making meals and dinners... i just want to sleep all the time and im tired all the time and spend the day watching netflix or finding some distraction to not do anything at all, and the worst of all is that i dont know how to fix it, i lost (part 1)
the interest in everything and i dont know why. I moved to go to college and im living alone and i dont have that many friends yet, but its like im not sad, like, i dont miss my family, i dont cry like, i dont feel anything at all, nor excitement for college nor sadness nor anxiety, nothing- its just as if i had this void inside of me and i dont know what to do about it. I havent told anyone about this because if i tell some friends i feel like itd be a burden for them and if i tell my(part 2)
- my mom- she would think im not happy with my career or that i dont like it and i really do!! but i dont know whats wrong with me. what should i do?
you’re experiencing depression - you basically just gave me a laundry list of all of its symptoms. try taking the [phq-9] for a quick read on how bad things are.
if you’ve just started college, you’re probably around 18, which is when many mental illnesses not caused by external factors start to manifest. if you look back a few years you’ll probably notice that this has been creeping up on you for much longer than you thought it was.
it’s absolutely essential that you talk to your friends about it, if not your mother. the deadliest part of depression is how it isolates you. a support network is absolutely essential to your wellbeing. chances are if you’re afab that your mother has it too whether she realises it or not, because it tends to run in families.
i also recommend looking into medication and therapy. if money is an issue, there are ways of getting discounts for both of those things if you look. it will probably take a few attempts to find a medication that works for you, because every brain is different - whatever you do, do NOT start on prozac. speaking from experience there because hoo boy that was a bad month
my [depression] tag might be helpful for you.
act as soon as you can - if you try to ignore it, it’ll only get worse. but it’s not unbeatable, and it’s not permanent. you’ll be okay.
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jovishark · 5 years
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silas
in the spirit of silas im gonna do em ALL
full name: Silas Beauregard Rosen
best friend: alicia, through thick and thin
sexuality: questionable. the man will date or sleep with anything that treats him well
favorite color: fuschia
relationship status: largely single. aside from marrying alicia, hasnt had a relationship last more than 1 month
ideal mate: someone who can meet his level of compassion or wont put him down/be uncomfortable with his intensity and can-do attitude. someone with lots of empathy and love who gets excited like he does, but can keep him grounded too.
turn-ons: candles. music. lazers. ABBA.
favorite food: believe it or not, spaghetti.
crushes: itd be easier to name everyone he Hasnt had a crush on. but the notable ones were alicia during their marriage and nash while he was the clandestines doctor.
favorite music: things with tangible guitars or ladies singing. so, ABBA.
biggest fear: being forgotten.
biggest fantasy: universally renowned courier and legendary commodore and postmaster general of the interplanetary postal service, and happily married with a gaggle of tentacle children and able to balance work and family like no man ever has
bad habits: smoking when hes stressed. saying/doing things on impulse. ranting when he shouldnt to the wrong people
biggest regret: not forcing the crew to turn back and rescue nash.
best kept secret: he was responsible for the death of over 200 innocent aliens at a cocktail dinner when he went feral. it wasnt a government event and nobody has proof it was him. he still has his old blood covered uniform in a garment bag under his bed
last thought: (assuming this means most recent) "if we get past the c-86 wormhole by 6, i can start dinner at 7, and we can still have time for movies. okay, cool, awesome. cool"
worst romantic experience: he dated what ended up being a chaos god who left him naked in the middle of an active volcano. he misses them
biggest insecurity: both nash and alicia were nominated for captain before he was, and he was chosen because nash died and alicia said no. he constantly feels inadequate and tries twice as hard to prove to himself that he isnt.
weapon of choice: hand to hand combat and martial arts, or two matching little blaster pistols.
role model: hard to answer cause its the future and nothing is real.
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