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#and it helps that i know its covid recovery at least - not depression
littlemaust · 2 years
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I am so tired. Still. My brain is like LET'S DO ALL THE THINGS and my body is already on the couch, eyes half closed, being like, Shhhhhh let's get groceries delivered again and take a nap.
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extasiswings · 1 year
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I have been noticing things, and I don't know what to make of them, so I am bringing them to you, because you have been blessed/cursed by Apollo's dodgeball and are also great at connecting dots. I apologise.
I am worried about Buck's lungs. His sats dropped when he was in a coma, to the point of needing ECMO, but during his recovery we only saw him see a cardiologist, no respiratory rehab was mentioned. Now his PT scores are down. The show has also been weirdly pointed about focusing on sats monitors being put on people's fingers during calls. They've done it on at least 3 of the calls since Buck's been back, and at no point have the people's sats been mentioned - even the woman face down in dough, who was started on oxygen. That in itself isn't a big deal - they're a quick way of getting a heartrate, and its standard practice to put one on. But why keep showing them? Then this week, Maddie had the call with the kid where she had to remind him how to breathe.
So, what do you think? Is there anything there, or am I projecting because I'm having to have respiratory physio after covid?
Just when I thought I couldn't get any more unhinged! No, there is DEFINITELY something there and I'm not gonna be normal about it. There are a couple of different places my mind went to (because it's not just Buck, Eddie's in this too) so apologies if this is scattered:
Buck + Death is the big overarching theme looming over Buck's healing journey. Buck's life has been about Death since before he was even born, when he was conceived to be a savior baby...and was a match...but Daniel still died anyway. And Buck has been running towards Death ever since, seeking it out, courting it like a lover without even realizing why, never knowing that Daniel's ghost was haunting him. He has internalized so completely this idea that his value is entirely dependent on what he can do for others, on how much he can sacrifice, can give, up to and including his own life. The fact that the problem was Buck's lungs in the episode where he was reckoning with Daniel for the first time while trapped in his subconscious mind was inspired and a huge callback to Buck Begins, after Buck first learned about Daniel, with Buck in the warehouse fire taking off his mask and telling the guy he was trying to save that he would just hold his breath. And Buck's been holding his breath in a sense ever since. Spiraling. Stagnating. Regressing. He quit therapy. He trapped himself for a year in a soulless relationship because he was already depressed but then the shooting happened and Eddie basically told him he wasn't allowed to keep trying to kill himself, taking away one of his main self-harming coping mechanisms (passive suicidality brushed off by telling himself he's actually helping people), all of that.
There are also the crush injuries surrounding him (which I wrote about in 6A as being super sus). Thomas and Mitchell and a car accident crush injury, the first call where Buck begins explicitly associating romantic love with death. Buck being crushed under the ladder truck, which ultimately led to the blood clots and a pulmonary embolism because he wouldn't let himself rest and recover, wouldn't let himself heal or slow down, because he was too focused on getting back to work where he could (in his mind) be useful, be worth something, could save lives. And he admitted then that he didn't know what/who he was without the job, and ironically almost torched all of his relationships with the people who love him regardless in order to get back to it. And then of course there's also Lev. Lev trying to find the secrets to happiness but instead being crushed to death by a walkway that collapsed because the hotel identified the problem but never made the repairs. And it was through him that Buck started thinking that he could find all the answers he's been looking for in death.
But...Buck died. Actually died. And despite his joke about his math powers and being the guy with the answers, he doesn't have them all.
At the end of 6x11, he took a breath. He took a step. He allowed himself a little bit of self-awareness, of self-reflection, he dipped his toe into the water of the root trauma that has led him to all the others. But he's awake now, and what has he done? By all accounts it looks like exactly what he's done every other time/like he's falling back into the same bad habits. He let his mom steamroll him into getting him a couch that he didn't want. He threw himself back into work as soon as he could and keeps trying to brush off the fact that he went through a serious trauma (physical/mental/emotional) to the point that the people who love him have to keep reminding him that he literally died. He has the tools he needs to heal, but isn't actually taking the steps to get there. And, as you point out, they're potentially foreshadowing that there are still problems with his lungs that may still get worse.
Because Buck is, at heart, one big crush injury. He has been suffocating under the weight of trauma after trauma since he was born, conceived in grief and then discarded. He has been suffocating under the weight of hiding his true feelings from others (up to and including hiding them from himself) and leaving so many necessary things unsaid. But it also makes me think about Eddie and Home Invasion and the call at Marisol's and everything that I've been saying about insulation as protection but too much protection stifling you so much that you can't breathe. Buck being "the settler" in romantic relationships because he can't get hurt (at least not as badly) if he's not actually attached to the relationship, never going after/asking for what he really wants. Eddie being his own variation on "the fugitive" always running from the things that he's most afraid of. Both of them trying desperately to protect their hearts from getting broken and instead ending up in a place where they are both always dying...
Idk, there's something about Buck + Death and Eddie + Fear and Buck constantly suffocating vs. Eddie drowning, and Buck starting the season not wanting to make the same mistakes but also possibly "misunderstanding the assignment" with this death doula, and water finding its level...yeah...yeah...
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thea-dacity · 11 months
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I had to make a separate tumblr for this because my roommates follow me on all my social media, and I cannot make this post there because my roommate will see it, and I cant fudge the details enough that she wont know it's about her. But I need somewhere to vent because if i dont i will explode, even if my usual support group wont be there to help.
4 years ago, my girlfriend and I decided that we were going to live together with another couple in a rental home and split the rent 4 ways. Rent in our area is stupidly high, and I was struggling to make rent, so this seemed like a good deal for all of us.
Lots of details here are not important because if I nailed it to the church door like I want to it would take weeks.
For the first year, we were doing really well. All four of us had jobs, even if the pay wasnt stellar. But between the four of us, paying all our expenses was easy and I was even starting to save.
Then. Roommate A lost her job. Its alright. People lose jobs. It happens.
Then. COVID. Which was not alright, and I think that while it's not the root of all our problems it was definitely a contributing factor.
I want to talk about A for a minute. A suffered a lot of emotional abuse from her mother growing up. She goes to therapy for it, she's taking medications, we're to believe that shes working through her problems at some kind of pace. I'm being pretty understanding that recovery ain't a straight line. Plus, we've met her mother and her mom is absolutely a bitch.
She's very jealous that the rest of us have parents that arent narcissists and abusers, but it's not like we dont all have our own host's of problems (whole house is a concoction of adhd, autism, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders).
Every year, A will throw some kind of tantrum. The first time, it was because I said something about how I felt shoved in a corner. Me, my girlfriend, and Roommate B (A's partner) all shared an office together.
A's former remote job required her to have privacy, so it was agreed that she would get an office to herself. But B's job also required privacy, she they got the nook that we were using as our craft room, and we just agreed to be conscious of her privacy during work hours.
This didnt last very long. I couldnt use my computer to play music very loud and my girlfriend couldn't use the space to sew. And I felt, as I said, shoved in a corner.
So I asked in our house chat if we could reconfigure the working scenario because I felt like I wasnt... given proper space to work.
Didnt even mention A, but A went on a tirade about it- wrote up a whole screed about how she was the bad guy and then locked herself in the office (remember, at this time she was not working from there) and didnt talk to us for three days.
We worked out a solution where B works from the closet of their bedroom in a makeshift cubicle, the nook goes to me and Girlfriend, and A gets the office to herself... for some reason. Eventually this turned into their game room.
But it kind of set the tone that at least once a year this 40 year old throws a hissy fit about something and then doesnt apologize.
Again. I'm trying to be understanding of her situation, but there are days where I have to walk on eggshells.
Well... it's that time again.
Rough update of the events preceeding:
I quit my toxic job awhile back and started a new career as a photographer, which requires a lot of equipment. This job does not make a lot of money and theres a few months where I have to find extra work just to make ends meet.
Girlfriend lost her job and has been deeply depressed, and money issues mean that we are privately going through a rough patch during the slow season. My emotion s are... kind of haywire right now and I'm trying to make it work, but it's hard.
B got a promotion, enough that they can afford a starter home, possibly. They're trying, anyways.
A only leaves the house for doctor's appointments and house showings. She hurt her back some years ago and she hasnt been able to find a job.
After failing to find either a house to buy or an apartment to rent, girlfriend and I decided to stay in the current place. A and B are trying (and failing) to find a house of their own because the market is... very tight right now.
A cant contribute to the move monetarily and has anxiety about not being ready to move when the time co.es (even if it takes a whole month to close on a house.) She started packing in February. Its May, now, and no sign of any move to come, but the amount of boxes in our house would make you think they're moving out tomorrow.
So my stuff is crammed in the craft room (because she asked me to move my stuff out of the garage so she could use the garage as an exercise room, which never happened) a d there's boxes everywhere, making it difficult to get to my stuff to organize it. And she wont put her stuff in the garage because 'theres mice in there' even if her solution to my stuff is to put it in the garage. Its frustrating to live in a place where you cant use the furniture because its covered in boxes.
But let me back up a little because today's tantrum has details.
Last October, I accidentally backed into Bs car. Damage was a crack in the bumper, which I didn't think was a big deal, I offered to pay for it, but B went through insurance instead, which meant I almost lost my insurance. But they didnt pay for any of it, and it was a minor inconvenience- and in any case it was between the two of us, no hard feelings.
B asked if, in the future, I could park on the street, because their car is newer than mine and not as sturdy as my older car, to prevent any future mishaps. I decided this was fair.
Now I think we're up to speed.
My car had a coolant leak this past week and the car overheated. I took it to a mechanic to take care of, but it took a few days and they got me a rental so I could still do my job. And today was the last day of me having it.
B was at the office today, so their parking spot in the driveway was empty. My task today was to return the photo equipment to our main office and since the bags are heavy I decided to park in the driveway just so I could get my stuff in.
I realized as it was sitting there that the grill of the car kind of made a funny face, so I snapped a pic of it and shared it on tumblr before driving off.
So because A follows me on tumblr, she saw the pic and had something to say about it:
"Please dont park next to me. You backed into (B's) car and we just got it fixed."
There's like 3 feet clearance between our cars. I was only there for half an hour. In fact, I was away from the house when she put that in the house chat and didnt respond right away. Girlfriend actually came to my defense first.
"there's no call for that. 1) his implies that (tgea) makes a habit of driving recklessly, which is untrue and 2) the rental is in the driveway to make sure IT doesn't get damaged 3) why is (thea) not allowed to uise the #!%^$% driveway"
And B offered to park behind her car, which was not the point, since my car wasnt parked there anymore. The problem is that B always wants to negotiate and see both sides of a problem, but sometimes one side is simply being unreasonable.
And it really is just fucking ridiculous- I pay rent here, I should be able to park in my drive way for 30 minutes without scrutiny.
Girlfriend told her off in person as well, that she was being fucking ridiculous. I dont know what all she said, but A hasnt talked to me since getting back from the mechanic.
Since moving in here, I never really got the sense that this I was welcome. Like... yeah I live here, but this is A's house, not mine. I'm a tool to be used so she doesnt have to pay rent or cook dinner. Like... I've got my own mental issues, you know? I have self worth problems that this is feeding and I feel like I'm a pest that does inconvenient things like make messes and thats why I'm only allowed in our bedroom, our office nook, and the garage. Like that's why she keeps putting my stuff in the garage- I'm like one of the mice.
These tantrums dont happen on their own, usually. What typically happens is shes in a bad mood because she was eavesdropping on a conversation where i said something she didnt like and is looking for a reason to be mad.
And the only thing that I can think of is that this morning I had a conversation with B about how we had a lot of duplicate items in the cupboard and I was trying to plan meals around the things we have excess of, one of which was an ingredient that only she uses, typically. And that food is expensive and we should try to budget a bit more carefully. Which doesnt seem like the kind of thing that someone might get vindictive about, but guilt does weird shit to your brain.
Unless, of course, she was somehow listening in on the conversation I had with Girlfriend about how I need to put my foot down about food expenses and say that I shouldn't be paying for their convenience foods (premade salads, frozen burritos, bolthouse drinks) or her bougie food choices (pepperidge farm bread, Annie's mac n cheese, brown eggs only, cant buy store brand anything) because when I'm working I rarely eat any of the food that comes in the house.
The walls here are thin, sometimes I hear them arguing. But we keep our voices down, and if the comments I made in my own room, which is one of the FEW places I have to myself, made her mad- then she should have said something about that instead of forbidding me from parking three feet away from her precious Kia that she never drives, in my OWN FUCKING DRIVEWAY of my OWN FUCKING HOUSE.
I'm trying not to go crazy here, but shes making it very hard, and I feel like vermin. Vermin that pays half the rent and makes all her food.
Anyway, I feel a little better having talked about it, but after that I dont know what to do because if I bring it up that she was being unreasonable, then she'll find something else to treat me like shit over and we get back to the eggshell cycle.
I want to block her on tumblr so I can even talk about it where my friends are, but if I do that and she figures out that I blocked her it's going to make this house absolute hell.
I'm literally screaming inside.
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irwinkitten · 4 years
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quarantine and chill | poly!lashton
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notes: so as some of you may know, i got hit with covid-19. i’d kept socials updated with my symptoms and how i was dealing with it but i’ve been quite on the aftermath of what i went through. so i did what i do best, i wrote. similar with teulu, i decided to write it out in the form of a fic. a lot of what happens is what i’ve had to struggle through with regards to recovery and what i’m still struggling with. there is a lot that i haven’t really talked about with it either, however i got the main points down and just wrote. if i was feeling better, i’d probably have shifted it to an oc but this felt much too personal to do. i was debating on whether or not this was going to be posted. at first i wasn’t, then i wasn’t sure. i finally decided to because i enjoy writing and i enjoy giving people something to read, something to enjoy. i also decided on poly!lashton mostly because of the interview on one of the instagram lives where ash said he cooks and i think it was with @sexgodashton​ where were talking about how ashton would mother hen you when you’re sick lmao and then i got daydreamy because i’ve been dealing with the whole situation alone and it’s difficult when your loved ones (both friends and family) are too far away and unable to be with you. i’m rambling at this point but yeah, tldr; this is really personal on how i recovered from that godforsaken virus. warnings: talks of dying, depression, sickness word count: 9k (oops)
donate to my ko-fi here
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When you’d come home from closing up the store, it had been an almost nightmarish day for you. It felt surreal that the store was closing until further notice and you had no idea when you were going to even be back in your job again.
What frustrated you was the fact that you hadn’t been able to book a flight out to LA before the travel bans kicked in, leaving you to be self-isolating in your apartment for the duration of the lockdown, alone.
Luke and Ashton had both voiced their complaints, but no amount of money being thrown at the problem wasn’t getting you back to LA with them.
 “How are you feeling?” Ashton asked over facetime whilst you tidied up. The simplicity of living in communal housing meant that you only had two rooms to tidy and keep clean. Luke and Ashton loved it for the fact that it afforded the three of you some privacy away from prying eyes of the media because you were tight-lipped about where you lived.
“Tired. I’ve cried a lot and I’m missing the both of you.” You admitted quietly as Luke popped into the screen, his head resting on Ashton’s shoulder. His lips wore a tired smile, one that you could match.
“We’re missing you too, love.” Luke’s voice was comforting. You finally settled down on the couch, your body sinking into the cushions and sighed.
“You know you don’t have to worry right? Ash and I are gonna help you.” The reassurance from Luke made your lips twitch up.
“I know. I’m just frustrated. They should have made this decision well over a week ago.” 
Neither of them could say much against that. You’d told the company bosses that you were at risk, you’d warned them that the store wouldn’t pull in enough money to warrant staying open for the week.
But they’d simply said that they were following government guidelines. It had been nothing but frustration for the three of you.
“Are you both home finally?” Your question was much quieter and Ashton grimaced. 
“Because I have a cough, they’ve organised us to be quarantined since we’re together. They’ve done the tests but I don’t think it’s anything, I think it’s just allergies playing up since I’ve been sneezing non stop.” Ashton explained and you sighed.
“Irony at its finest.” You received sad smiles in return from your boys.
“I’ve got some last minute paperwork to finish up and send off since I couldn’t do so at the shop. How about I call you both tomorrow?” Luke pouted and you giggled at the expression, your heart lifting that little bit.
“Fine but next time I’m hogging the phone.” Luke muttered and you laughed before blowing them both a kiss.
“Love you both, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” 
The paperwork was easy to finish off and left you a few hours to shower and change whilst tidying up around. 
When you crawled into bed, you checked your phone to see a photo of the two of them snuggled up together, Ashton practically smothering Luke. You sent them one back of you with the bear they’d gotten you, sprayed in their cologne. 
When you woke up the next day, there was only a slight difference, your blocked nose making you groan. 
“Fucking allergies.” Was muttered as you made your way to the bathroom, waving to one of your neighbours who was just leaving the kitchen.
You’d decided to stock up on food, making quick work of the short walk. It was nice to be able to still move about in the fresh air at least, offering a small, yet nervous smile at the cashier as you paid for your shopping, packed it in your bag and made your way home.
Before you even realised it, you’d settled on the couch and fallen asleep, wrapped up in your fluffy blanket, eyes heavy as you set an alarm. 
You slept through the alarm and when you next woke up, there were three missed facetimes from Luke. You called him back immediately.
“There’s the love of our lives.” Luke crowed when he answered, making you laugh. It was followed by a cough which made Luke pause, his eyes studying the screen. “Said love of our lives doesn’t look too well.” The concern was evident and you rolled your eyes.
“It’s probably allergies and my body finally relaxing from the last three weeks of stress.” Luke didn’t look convinced but you managed to switch the conversation. “Did you find out the results of Ashton’s test?” 
“Yeah, he came up negative. Since we’ve been quarantined for what, three weeks now? We’ll probably be on the next essential flight back home. But that won’t be for another week from what they’ve said. We both agreed to hang back long enough to let other people go ahead.” You frowned at that.
“But baby, you guys need to be back for the launch.” He shook his head.
“Ash was quite forceful with management on this one. There isn't going to be any kind of physical launch so we’re cleared to be delayed, just as long as we have a good wifi connection for the weekend for the various streams.” You sighed but understood their concerns. 
“How is our no longer sick drummer boy?” You finally asked and as if he was waiting for the question, he all but piled himself on top of Luke, a muffled whine escaping as he tried to shove Ashton off him.
You laughed.
“Behave children otherwise no rewards.” You teased them, making the two of them laugh as they settled themselves  down on the sofa they were on.
The conversation was easy between the three of you as they both excitedly discussed the possible plans they had for the album release, relying on them being home on time to do so.
“It wouldn’t do well to be still in the air when we do the release party, but knowing our luck...” Ashton trailed off, making you snort.
“Knowing our luck, that’s what would happen.” You grinned and he rolled his eyes.
“Probably.” 
The three of you talked until you were dropping off, and despite voicing their concerns, you waved them off, pointing out that you always got like this during allergy season. Ashton didn’t argue the point, but Luke still frowned in concern.
“We love you, sunshine. Get some decent rest please.” He’d pleaded with you and you gave them both a gentle smile in return, hoping that it was at least semi-reassuring.
“I’ll be fine, but I’ll go to bed. Love you two.” 
“Love you more.” Came the unified response before the call dropped and you settled back asleep.
Part of you knew that you should’ve realised that they had every right to be concerned when you woke up the following morning.
Your entire body was aching. And what concerned you most was the tightness across your chest coupled with the pain radiating across your body.
When you checked your temperature, you felt your stomach sink at the fact that your fever had crept up and was alarmingly high. So you called the helpline, putting the phone on speaker whilst you waited to get through, sending a text to the group chat you had with your boyfriends.
‘Woke up with fever and body hurts. Struggling to breath too so checking in with the helpline to see what i need to do. Don’t know if I’m gonna be up for calling later bc I wanna sleep.’ 
You felt bad but you could already feel the drowsiness pull at your body. 
When you got through and described your symptoms, the lady on the other end advised you to self-isolate and upon the symptoms getting worse, to call the emergency services.
You relayed the information back to Luke and Ashton before falling asleep after taking some medication, trying to desperately ignore how much your body ached as you slept.
The first few days, it felt like you’d been run over with a truck repeatedly, but what concerned you was the pain that was radiating from your kidneys. Both Luke and Ashton knew of your previous history with kidney failure and both had been urging you to go into the hospital, but you’d couldn’t help but feel that it wasn’t that bad.
By day four, both of your boyfriends were worried because you’d mentioned to them that you were unable to breath properly. It was late at night, but with the pain reaching an overwhelming point, you knew it was pointless to argue. Even your friends had been urging you to contact the helpline once more.
You’d been on hold for over an hour as the pain got worse. You were struggling to focus and it was everything you could do to try and breathe through the agony that was radiating through your body, so you cut off from the hold music and contacted the emergency services. 
This time fear started to settle into your stomach as you answered the questions posed to you, trying to get across that it wasn’t a block of flats but a shared home.
The operator understood and urged you to get help from your neighbours to at least let the crew into the building. You were nervous enough about standing up by yourself but you managed.
When you stood from your bed, the walk to the door, even though it was five steps away, the agony that shot up your legs had you stumbling into the door. 
Pulling it open, despite your neighbour’s door being six feet away, you knew you weren’t going to be able to stumble that far. The pain was steadily getting worse and tears started falling down your cheeks.
“Can someone help?” You finally got out, gasping for a breath once the words were out. Your neighbour was quick to open the door and knew something was wrong.
“What’s happened, are you okay?” 
“Can’t breathe. Called medics, but need someone to let them in.” You gasped out and he nodded, taking a step closer.
“Lets sit you down and I’ll get one of the others to go and wait for them.” The firm grip on your arms supported you, your own hands grasping his arms to keep you from falling as he slowly walked you back to the edge of your bed, setting you down gently.
The pain receded slightly.
“I’m gonna prop the door open and get one of the others to come and give me a hand, is that okay?” And you could only nod tearfully as you tried to take in slow breaths, despite the pain that was radiating from your chest.
With the door propped open, you could hear him banging on the other doors, calling for help and explaining the situation. The hallway wasn’t very long but their voices carried down to you as you tried, and failed, to calm down.
And then the medics were there, pulling the blanket from your shoulders despite how cold you were feeling.
“It’s because of the fever, your body is already warm, you won’t be helping yourself with the blankets.” 
They asked various questions and you tried to answer in the gasping breaths, but then the pain shot up and it felt like you couldn’t breathe.
“Okay, we’re getting you to the hospital.” 
You could barely move, but between the medic and your neighbour, they managed to get the things you needed and help you down the stairs. It took much longer, but you knew that rushing wasn’t going to help and the pain was pushing close to hitting 10 for you. 
Once in the ambulance, you had a cannula inserted, laughing breathlessly between your tears at the first failed attempt and the second attempt to find a vein. 
When you reached the hospital, waiting to hear where you needed to be taken, you finally got out your phone, the morphine hindering your ability to focus, hitting the audio button instead to send a voice note to your now worried boyfriends.
“At the hospital. Been given some morphine but still hurts. Missing you and love you lots.” You could barely keep your eyes open, the words slurring together. The medic gave you a kind smile.
“Partner?” You nodded, the motion making you feel nauseous. 
“Need to drive to the other side, they’ve got a specific ward set up.” You heard and realised belatedly that the driver must have turned up. The drive was short and finally you were helped from the vehicle into a waiting wheelchair. You were too tired to protest and you knew it would be quicker for you to get situated.
You could hear them talking, explaining your medical history and the symptoms you were displaying. Part of your mind was listening but the other part of your mind was wondering how Ashton and Luke were. 
You missed them.
Once in a room, the nurses took over and did some more tests. Eventually you were left alone, your fever creeping higher despite the fact that you felt so cold. You were tired, but the pain that was radiating from your kidneys and joints, it was enough to keep you awake, unable to relax to sleep. 
Your phone was going off every few minutes, various people messaging you, making sure that you were okay. The only ones you were really replying to were Luke and Ashton, but even then it was sparse. 
It didn’t stop them from worrying.
When the doctor on shift came into your bare room, it took every effort to focus on her words.
“We’ve taken some bloods to help rule out any other possibilities, despite displaying symptoms of the virus. When we have the first results of your bloods back, we’ll be moving you onto one of the wards, so it should be another hour or so.” 
You nodded your head, eyes heavy as you let out a tired sigh.
“Any idea of how long I’ll be here for?” Despite the mask in place, you could see her cheeks lifting up into what you assumed was a smile.
“Less than 24 hours, I’d assume. Try to get some rest, another nurse will be taking some obs in about an hour, before you need to be moved hopefully.” You nodded tiredly, curling up on your side. It seemed to be the only relief you could find.
You drifted in and out, the stark quietness of your room so different to the usual noises you had of cars passing by or Ashton and Luke’s steady breathing.
 When the nurse came back in, you were beyond exhausted. You felt nauseous and the pain wasn’t receding. 
“We’re going to be moving you instead, they’ll do all the obs that they need once you’re settled in the room. I’m just waiting on the porters.” You nodded tiredly as she unplugged your phone charger and placed your bag at the bottom of the bed.
You kept your face turned into the pillow, the lights hurting your eyes. 
“Sensitive to the light?” Came a kind voice, you could only let out a muffled noise of agreement. When you were wheeled into the room, the light was dimmed down and you felt more relaxed. 
Glancing at the time you hadn’t realised it’d been so long. The numbers read 7am and you could feel your body shaking, your mind taking a minute to catch up with the fact that you were cold.
The next few hours were difficult. You went from being too hot to freezing cold, the pain creeping up as you tried to curl in on yourself to warm up. Even with additional blankets, you were still shaking, teeth chattering when you tried to talk.
When they took the second round of bloods, you didn’t offer any argument, simply holding out your arm for them to take the blood from. Things were getting hazy and you couldn’t focus on the nurse as he spoke to you about what was going to happen. 
You knew some of it was tiredness. Despite the mini naps you were having, you hadn’t slept solidly in nearly 48 hours. 
“We’re going to be coming in to do the test in a moment.” You found yourself confused as a different nurse explained what was going to happen and she took her time to make sure you understood each part. 
Once it was done, your cough having flared up after having the swab hit the back of your throat you noticed that you had missed calls.
‘How did I not hear them?’ You thought to yourself, confused. You clicked on the notification and realised it was Luke that had been calling.
“Hi angel, we were just checking in.” His voice seemed to set off the tears, unable to understand why you were so tearful. But he heard the sniffle. 
“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You know we’re here for you.” 
“I just wanna be home with you two.” You choked out, a cough escaping, the motion making you feel sick. 
“I know angel, what have the doctors said?” You tried to steady your breathing so you wouldn’t set your coughing off again. 
“Two weeks self quarantine.” You finally got out, wiping a few stray tears away. You heard the two of them sigh in unison. 
“Maybe we could—”
“Ash no. If they are sick with the virus, it’s likely to just pass between the three of us.” Luke interrupted and you had to hold back the sob. 
“I’m scared.” You finally admitted quietly and tried to stop the sob that was crawling up your throat. You knew that if you’d started, you were most likely not going to stop. 
“Baby.” Ashton whispered and you sucked in a deep breath, determined not to ask the question. 
“Lu’s right. It’d just pass between the three of us. I should have maybe another week of symptoms.” Your voice was quiet but they heard you. 
“We’re not going home.” Luke’s voice finally filtered through. “Not with you being in hospital and not with you being so sick. We’re staying in a hotel till your symptoms die down and then we’re gonna come and look after you.” 
You couldn’t even argue with them. They were both as stubborn as mules and having them would make the recovery easier with some help. 
“How are you gonna get here?” You finally gasped out. 
“We’ve got a rented car. We extended it the day you got sick.” You felt your heart warm at their words.
“Okay.” You finally muttered. 
Eventually you were discharged with medication for the fever and a reminder to keep your fluid intake up at least. 
The journey back was exhausting. 
The medic was kind enough to chat to you about your job, about Luke and Ashton. He didn’t bat an eyelash when you mentioned them both. He was quick to help you figure out where the turning was, especially in the dark. And he helped you to the door of the building. 
Just the journey up the stairs was tiring, and your neighbours heard you arrive, the three of them checking that you were okay. 
“Until my breathing gets worse, I can self manage at home. However, I need rest and my body currently feels like I’ve been run over multiple times.” 
One of them checked about collecting your food shop the following morning and you smiled in return before getting into your bedroom and collapsing on the bed. 
You made sure that your phone charger was plugged in before sending a text to Luke and Ashton saying you were home. It was barely another five minutes before you fell into a fitful sleep. 
The following day you were woken to a knock on your door, but you could barely move. Sleep had been scarce and your joints felt so heavy. 
“Don’t try and get up! Just letting you know that I’m off to get your shopping! I should be back in an hour or so.” Your neighbour called through the door and you felt a little bit of relief flood you at that. 
“Thanks!” You called back before coughing, twisting sharply to the side where the bowl lay, your body aching when the coughing stopped.
You’d had the bowl lay there since the night before you’d gone into hospital, terrified that the coughing would lead you to throwing up. You weren’t good with vomit at the best of times but this was another level. 
Collapsing onto your back, taking in slow deep breaths as you tried to calm your heart down, you took a few moments before taking some meds, pulling the covers off your body to help you cool down. This was the one thing about fever that wasn’t fun for you.
You ended up napping on and off, unable to pay attention to your phone at the various texts coming through from concerned friends before there was another knock on the door which jolted you awake, despite feeling disorientated.
“I’m leaving the bags just outside your doors! Give me a couple of minutes and I’ll have them all up.” You didn’t reply as you heard the hallway door shut, and instead slowly moved to collect one of the face masks you’d been given, slipping it on with ease before grabbing disinfectant wipes. 
You ignored the dizziness that caught you off guard, taking a steadying breath as you waited, leaning heavily against the door.
“Right, they’re all there for you chicken!” Your neighbours voice was more distant and you hesitantly opened the door. He was standing halfway down the hallway, a kind smile on his face.
“How are you feeling today?” The concern was genuine and you could only shrug.
“A lot of pain. Not sleeping well.” You got out breathlessly. He frowned.
“Well if you need anything, you’ve got my number now, so just give me a text, especially if you need any drinks. You take care of yourself now.” You lifted your hand in acknowledgement before propping open the living room door and heading in there where your fridge sat.
When the food was put away, you were half staggering the few steps back to your bed, barely getting your mask off and on your desk before you half collapsed on your bed.
Glancing at your phone there was a missed call from Ashton.
“Hi love, you weren’t responding so we figured to call you.” His voice was hesitant when you’d accepted the call.
“Everything hurts Ash.” You finally sobbed, your body protesting the movement, but in that moment you couldn’t care. You missed them both and with the combined pain, it didn’t help.
“Baby.” Luke’s voice was soft and you knew they were worried, but you were too far gone to understand their worries. You just wanted them.
“Want you both, and can’t even have that because of this fucking virus.” You got out a cough ending the sentence as you tried to catch your breath and not choke.
“Calming breaths sweetheart. You’re okay.” Ashton soothed immediately and you tried to follow his instructions. But everything hurt. There was a sharp pain in your chest, coupled with the pain in your lower back as well as the joint aches. It practically burned you.
“Do you think you can manage a shower later, love? It might help.” Luke’s voice was hesitant once you were calm enough and you took in a deep breath.
“Maybe.” You got out, your voice quieter and they knew you were tired.
“Rest for a bit angel, see if you can try and get a few hours at least.” Ashton encouraged and you could feel the heaviness wash over you as you settled down.
“Love you both.” You tiredly got out before you let yourself sink into sleep, taking a slow deep breath as you did.
You didn’t hear their returned words or them cutting the call, you’d fallen asleep easily and your body relaxed just a little bit as you slept.
When you next woke up, it was dark. Making sure that you were at least drinking, you had another glass of juice followed by some water before pulling yourself up to take a shower. You texted them both and your best friend to let them know you’d slept some and you were about to attempt a shower.
It was slow going, trying to keep yourself upright, but the steam helped clear your sinuses, making sure you got every part of you with the scrubber before just standing under the shower, your hands pressed into the cold tiles to keep you upright. 
It’d been thirty minutes by the time you’d returned to your room, feeling more tired than when you’d first woken, so you took the opportunity to try and get more sleep. 
That was when the coughing became so violent at two in the morning that you felt like you were practically choking on air, unable to catch a breath until you’d rolled onto your side and something cleared enough for you to take a gasping breath, your heart racing so fast that you had to call your best friend to calm down.
It became frightening as days began to pass and you could barely recall them, your mind confused and muddled with exhaustion mixed in with the hunger that was plaguing you. But when you’d eaten, your body had rejected the food immediately so you didn’t try again. 
By day ten, you were struggling. You’d cried far too much and your body felt like lead. You knew that both Luke and Ashton were concerned at this point, knowing that this was the point where either you’d start to get better or it could get worse.
Two days later, between fitful nap and gasping breaths after a coughing fit, your phone went off.
It was Ashton.
“Baby?” You got out tiredly, keeping measured breaths as you sat up slowly.
“Take a look outside your bedroom window.” You frowned, moving to the otherside of the room, leaning enough to peer out of your open window before a sob escaped.
They both stood there, arms laden with bags. Both were looking up at you.
“Reckon you can come let us in angel? Lu and I are gonna commandeer your living room ‘till you’re better.” It took everything in you not to go racing down the stairs. You knew it would set you back further so you took hesitant breaths before looking back to your phone then you heard a voice in the hallway.
You were quick enough to catch your neighbour as he was heading back to his room.
“You alright there petal?” His voice was concerned and you held your hand up indicating you needed a moment to catch your breath. He waited patiently.
“My, my partners, they’re downstairs with some shopping and taking over my living room till I’m better. Could you let them in for me please?” You were hesitant in asking, but the pleading eyes you had seemed to have his shoulders wilt as he took a step forward.
“I take it they’re gonna be self-isolating for the two weeks they need to?” You nodded. 
“I’ve got to wait seven days after my fever stops as it is before I can even be in the same room as them. I know that they’re worried and being so far hasn’t really helped.” He smiled kindly.
“Got you, petal. Get back in and I’ll go get them for you.” 
You could hear their voices get closer and it took everything in you not to throw yourself out of the room at them. You didn’t want them to get sick.
“Delivered safely petal, feel better soon.” Your neighbour called and you tried not to let out a sob.
“Hi angel.” It took everything in you not to open the door. You had to clench your hands into a fist, head resting on the door.
“I don’t know what’s harder. You both being away, or you being so close but I can’t even see you.” You let out a choked cough and Luke let out a soothing noise.
“Well we’ve got you some good wifi now, and we’re here for you angel. We’ve got a couple of streams and you best be watching when we go live.” You let out a breathless giggle. They were there.
The first few days were the hardest. They’d leave cartons of juice and bottles of water outside your door. It finally added to fruit when you managed to keep an orange down.
Watching them do the streams from your living room was strange, but it seemed to settle your anxiety that they were so close. You could see it was being brought up about their shared change of scenery which prompted them to explain after you’d texted Ashton and told him that it was okay for them to know about your situation.
“So our partner, well they got pretty sick at the start of last week. We were already stuck in the UK at this point, so we just extended it so that we’d be with them when they got better. None of us handle being sick alone very well.” This made the other three laugh. You grinned.
“I think that extends to the rest of the band too.” Luke piped up, making the other two complain loudly. You giggled before coughing violently.
“Oops. As you can probably hear, it got real bad and real close by the end of last week. It’s why we were so distracted on the live because we were so worried. When they told us that they’d slept for a solid six hours last night, we made the drive back to theirs, shopping in tow to help look after them. We can’t see them, and Luke and I are stuck on the couch for the next two weeks at least, but we couldn’t just fly out and leave them alone.” 
Ashton’s explanation had well wishes pouring in for you and it warmed your heart to see that there were fans that cared. 
Part of you wished you could at least be watching them, or better yet, be cuddled up with them, to hell with the stream. But you knew they were trying to keep the focus on the album. You’d already had texts from the others to check in with you and you took your time to reply to them and settle down, your eyes heavy as you snuggled under the covers.
It was nice to watch them, seeing the ease in the way they joked about. You knew they worried but it was obvious to anyone who saw them when you’d gone into hospital that the tension that was sat on the both of them was both obvious and heartbreaking. 
You could see the shadows under Luke’s eyes and you wondered if they traded the nights between each other to make sure they wouldn’t miss an update or a call. 
You tried to squash down the guilt instant that reared up. They were doing this because they cared. There was nothing in it for them, apart from the possibility of you getting better. But you knew they expected nothing back. 
Your eyes were tired and you took in the time. It was creeping closer to midnight so you closed off the stream and texted the chat to let them both know you were going to sleep. Had you stayed on the stream a few moments longer, you’d have seen Ashton’s face relax as a gentle smile crept onto his lips, causing the two that were still stateside to tease him. 
The following morning was better in some way but also worse. Your cough wasn’t easing up but your fever seemed to have broken in the night. 
You weren’t overheating but you weren’t cold either. You took a few moments to move your limbs and regretted it almost instantly. But you knew that if your fever stayed down, it would be a further week until you weren’t contagious. 
Part of you wanted to practically sing in joy, but as you took in the early morning, you decided against that, knowing your men would be fast asleep still. 
Slowly you got yourself up, collecting your shower stuff before making your way down the hallway to the shower. The warm water felt almost luxurious on your skin as you took care in washing your hair, still leaning against the cold tiles to keep yourself upright, your legs trembling as you did so. 
It took the same amount of time as the previous shower, but once you were clean, you knew it made a small amount of difference as you stumbled back to your room, crawling under the covers to take a well deserved nap. 
You missed the text from Luke asking if you were awake. 
Now that you seemed to be stomaching food, Ashton kept it simple with dry toast, not willing to push your body too far. And you agreed with his judgement after he’d placed it in front of your door and you waited for the other door to close before you opened yours. 
“Love you.” You felt your heart melt as he spoke through the door. 
“Love you too Ash. Thank you.” You returned quietly before stepping back into your room. It was getting harder to stay in, especially when your cuddle monsters of boyfriends were just in the next room. 
It hurt. 
They FaceTimed with you to keep you company, both of them making a strong effort to not only keep you company but to also stop you from giving into temptation to just join them. 
Ashton was practically insistent on that. 
You knew by the time that you would be allowed to have them back in your room, their own self isolation would be over. 
It didn’t fail to amuse you how Ashton started cooking once you started being able to stomach more than dry toast. It took a few goes but he kept it plain enough to not make your stomach complain but changed it up so you didn’t get bored of it. 
What made it even better were the small notes of affection they left for you on the tray which held your food. You had them pinned up to your cork board without a second though, the small pieces of heaven from them only making it feel that much cosier. 
Something to ward away the bad days in the future. 
Luke snuck you some of your favourite snacks, even after the scolding Ashton gave him when he tried sneaking you a chocolate bar. 
It’d made you giggle and they’d both paused to hear it. 
It was a sound they hadn’t heard in nearly a month and it made their hearts soar. 
Despite the pain you were in, it felt like you could at least breathe with the both of them with you. Even if you couldn’t see them. 
By day nine after your fever had broken, you were beginning to feel semi human once more. You still had issues with exhaustion and light sensitivity, but you certainly felt more better than you had done in weeks. 
Luke had given up on waiting. 
“Ash, they said a week after the fever went down, they’d no longer be contagious. This is killing me.” You’d chosen to curl up on the side that was proclaimed as Luke’s side. 
Your heart was feeling heavy again. 
“I mean. We’re what? A week and a half?” Ashton’s voice was hesitant. You missed the mutter in return before the door opened and there was a knock on your door. 
Luke stuck his head in and you wanted to cry. 
“Reckon you can put up with some self care cuddles?” You simply nodded your head and shuffled into the middle of the bed. Luke wasted no time, his arms wrapped around you and you could feel every part of you seemingly shaking. 
Ashton followed a few minutes later and your memory seemed to fail you in that moment. You could barely remember the last six weeks, but the feeling of comfort was something entirely different as they held you. 
That was when you began to sob in earnest because you’d missed them. And they knew it. 
When you’d calmed down, part of you felt torn because you wanted to hold them both, not let go and just lay there. But they didn’t protest when you’d snuggle up to one, legs tangled and arms wrapped around tight and eventually switch to the other. 
If anything, it amused them both. 
As the day got later, Ashton untangled himself, pressing a kiss to your shoulder. Luke was your current cuddle buddy of choice. 
Turning your head, your confusion must have shown because Ashton smiled gently. 
“We need to keep up with the meals, love. I’m gonna make some soup for all of us, how does that sound?” You hummed in agreement. 
“It’s allowed I guess. But you gotta come back.” And he chuckled, leaning over to kiss your forehead, doing the same to Luke before disappearing out of your room. 
“You realise that he’s going to mother hen you to death, right?” Luke teased and you shrugged. 
“He’s here. You both are. That’s more than enough for me.” You murmured softly. Luke held you that little bit tighter.
“You up for a shower sweetheart?” You hesitated, your mind drifting back to the previous two times you showered. The hesitation must have been obvious because Luke pressed a kiss to the top of your head, not willing to push you.
“Will you, will you help? It’ll be a tight fit but, I struggled the last two times.” You finally admitted to him and he smiled. 
“C’mon. We can let the chef know as we pass him.” You giggled at his words, allowing him to help you out of the bed and making your way slowly across the room. Luke didn’t push, but he kept his arms available and easy for you to grab if you needed him.
You’d made it to the kitchen before you relied on him a bit more, your joints achy and your legs shaking. 
“Gonna get this one showered and clean.” Luke called into the kitchen where Ashton was cooking. He glanced back and grinned at you both before turning back to the food and you two carried on. 
Luke was nothing but patient with you as you climbed into the shower, his tall body fitting into the rest of the space. He was gentle as he helped you and it took the pressure off you, focusing on keeping yourself upright as his hands started working the shampoo into your hair.
You’d forgotten how well he massaged your scalp when washing your hair, and you only protested when he rinsed it out, making him laugh.
“I forgot how nice your head massages were.” You groaned as he worked the conditioner in. You carefully washed your body with the shower gel, cleaning Luke’s body whilst you were at it. 
He tried to stop you but you gave him pleading eyes and he relented easily. Using the time whilst your hair was soaking in the conditioner to wash his own hair quickly whilst you cleaned his body.
And then his fingers were back in your hair, cleaning out the conditioner and you had to stop yourself from leaning into him.
Once you were clean and dried off, dressed and the towels over Luke’s shoulder, you could feel yourself begin to flag again, leaning heavily on Luke for the short trip back to your room.
“I’ve got you sweet.” He murmured as you passed the kitchen. Ashton was talking with one of your neighbours who gave you a small wave but didn’t stop you to talk. Part of you felt guilty, but the larger part felt relieved because you were almost certain once you’d eaten something, you were going to be asleep.
Once you were back in your bedroom, you scooted so that your back was resting against the headboard whilst Luke let the towels hang so that they could dry and put everything back in its place. He understood your need for everything in its own place, whilst Ashton understood, but still sometimes made a small game of moving things to see if you’d notice.
Luke could see that you were too tired to even be playful.
When Ashton returned, he frowned for a moment before resting the first bowl on your lap, spoon already in the bowl.
“Don’t worry about eating it all. Just try to eat something for us.” He encouraged gently, handing Luke his own bowl before heading back to retrieve his own.
You were slow and methodical before your stomach protested and you left the spoon in the bowl, your head resting on Luke’s shoulder.
“M’ready for sleep.” You muttered and he hummed in acknowledgement. He’d long since finished his bowl, as had Ashton.
“You alright with Ash for a bit, love? Since he cooked, I’ll clean.” Luke murmured and you just nodded before shuffling till you were laid down. Ashton followed and you snuggled into him. 
You barely heard his murmured “sleep well” before you were fast asleep.
It was the first night that you’d slept for eight hours and it felt almost refreshing, especially after having the shower the previous night.
You were still nestled into Ashton’s side, Luke’s arm was slung over you both, his hand resting on Ashton’s stomach. You felt very safe between your men and you were so grateful that they were with you in that moment.
It was another hour before either of them stirred, but you’d been resting in that hour, not really awake but not asleep either. Luke was first to move, pressing a kiss to your shoulder as he moved off the bed.
“Morning, love. How are you feeling today?” He murmured as he stretched. You shifted onto your back and gave an experimental test of your joints. They weren’t so bad and your cough had eased up that your chest no longer hurt if there was the occasional cough.
“Better, I think. It’s only a dull ache, the kind I get when you two put me through the paces at the gym.” You admitted softly and Luke grinned as Ashton stretched out, almost like a cat before turning on his side to face you.
“Nice to hear that, angel. And good morning.” You grinned at him and kissed him gently before glancing at the time. 
“What are we doing today?” You asked quietly as Luke continued to stretch out his muscles. Part of you felt bad for them both to be stuck inside with you, but you were much too selfish to let that bad feeling linger. 
“I’m gonna do some exercises and then Ash is probably gonna do his own. And then a movie day for the rest of the day?” He posed the question and you paused before nodding your head. It sounded good to you and it meant you had some individual time with each of them.
The morning passed by easily. They did their exercises and showered before returning to your room that Luke had playfully dubbed ‘The Den’. Ashton had laughed at that as he went to set up in the living room for another live, but this time Luke was staying with you. They’d been trading off which had bothered you first, but then Ashton explained their reason.
“We don’t really want to leave you alone. Not that you can’t take care of yourself,” he hastily added on upon seeing your look of outrage, “but being so far away whilst you were so ill, it kinda scared us. We don’t want to leave you by yourself yet. It’s more to ease our own anxieties.” And you relaxed before shoving any negative thoughts to the back of your mind.
Luke was napping when your phone went off-Ashton was still on the live-and you answered the No Caller ID hesitantly. 
It was the hospital that you were at, a nurse confirming who you were before she’d go any further. It took a few moments before she got to the point of the phone call.
“So we’re calling you about the various tests. I’m assuming that you know you were confirmed with COVID-19, correct?”
“Yeah, about two days after the test, someone called to let me know.” You responded hesitantly. You wondered what this was about.
“And how are you feeling?” You were confused.
“I mean, I’m coming up to two weeks of no fever and starting to feel a lot better. I’m just more exhausted but I suspect that’s because of what my body went through.” You explained quietly and you heard her hum in agreement. Luke shifted beside you and you noticed that he was  awake, only because his hand had started to drift up and down your spine.
“That’s good to hear. What I’m calling about is that you’d said your kidneys had been hurting upon admittance, correct?” 
“Yes.” You were worried now.
“So when we looked at the numbers, we noticed that they’d started dropping. Not drastically enough for us to have you in intensive care, but that was why we moved you to the ward. It was as a precaution.” You felt your heart race at her words.
“They’d started failing again, hadn’t they?” You whispered and she sighed.
“Yes. However, because the numbers were back on the rise when we took your second blood test, we felt that we could discharge you safely. Had they dropped further, you’d have been admitted to intensive care. The only reason why you weren’t told immediately was because we didn’t want you to panic or go into further distress which could’ve made it much more worse.” 
It hit you like a ton of bricks what she was saying. 
“Is there anything I need to worry about?” You finally choked out, your hands trembling.
“At this time, no. When things ease up, we will request you get another test just to confirm you’re clear of the virus. Otherwise for now, just rest up and feel better soon.” 
“Thank you.” You got out, ending the call. Luke took the phone from your trembling hands and he sat up, pulling you onto his lap, his arms around you.
“What happened, love?” You were trying to take in slow deep breaths to stop the panic attack, knowing that it wouldn’t help you.
“They’ve just told me, when I went into hospital, my kidneys were failing.” You whispered and his arms tightened around you tighten enough that he understood the implications.
You’d told them both of the previous two times when you’d been so ill that your kidneys had started failing and as a result you’d been on death's door. 
You didn’t realise you were hyperventilating until Luke began to rub his hands up and down your arms to try and distract you, but your mind was too focused on the fact that you’d escaped death, again.
“Ashton!” Luke called loudly, a tinge of panic in his own voice.
Ashton practically crashed through into your door and his face was ashen as he took in your state, a look of relief followed by concern filling his features. He clambered onto the bed, his hands cupping your face gently. When you didn’t flinch away, he ducked his head to catch your eyes.
“Slow deep breaths sweetheart. We’ve got you.” It took you a while before you could finally focus on Luke’s hands which were still rubbing your arms gently.
“How’s your sense of smell?” Ashton teased as he noted that you were fighting to keep your breathing under control.
“Smell you and Luke, favourite smell.” You muttered and he grinned. You closed your eyes for a moment, leaning into his touch and he let his thumb brush across your cheeks in comfort.
“What happened?” Despite the question being directed at you, you knew that Ashton was also asking Luke.
“A nurse from the hospital phoned I think. They explained about the blood tests they’d run. Apparently their kidneys were failing when they’d gone in, but not enough to alarm the hospital staff or get them rushed to intensive care.” His voice was calm and you needed that. 
You knew that Ashton understood what he wasn’t saying, but also you weren’t too sure if you could voice it properly without crying.
“Come here sweetheart.” Ashton’s tone brokered no arguments and you moved so that you were cradled in his lap, his back resting against the headboard. Luke was nestled as close as possible.
“Part of me knew something was wrong, but, not that.” You whispered finally. Ashton made a soothing sound as you let your head rest on his shoulder, face pressed into his neck.
“It’s one thing to guess, it’s another thing to be told, love. You’re allowed to cry because it’s a frightening thing to be told.” His voice was one of reason and you finally let it out, allowing them both to comfort you as you processed what had been said.
He wasn’t wrong. It was one thing to guess, but to be told that your kidneys had started failing once more, it was frightening.
Neither of them moved away from you as you got it off your chest. You couldn’t pin how long had passed until you finally took a steadying breath, lifting your head from Ashton’s neck. Luke was first to move, his thumb wiping the tear tracks and you gave him a weak smile.
It dawned on you then that Ashton had been on a live.
“Ash, I’m sorry.” You finally whispered and he gave you a confused look.
“What are you sorry for? You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” He murmured, pressing a kiss to your temple.
“The live you were doing...” You trailed off and he shrugged.
“They’ll get over it. You’re more important and we’re doing more radio interviews on the live so it doesn’t matter.” He muttered and you didn’t push, relaxing in his hold. Luke glanced at the clock and gave you a gentle smile.
“My turn to make lunch. Nothing cooked unfortunately, but I make a damn good sandwich.” He teased playfully which made you giggle, a sigh escaping your lips as he left after giving you both gentle kisses.
“Just think, tomorrow we can take you out for a short walk.” 
“Freedom.” You muttered deadpan, making him laugh as his lips found yours.
“Even for half an hour, it’ll help. Home stretch now.” You mustered up a smile for him before stretching your legs out and he moved with you, his arms not quite leaving your body.
“Am I not allowed to lie down?” You queried and he shook his head, a playful grin on his lips as he pulled you flush against his body, his lips finding your neck.
“No, all mine to have and feast on.” The cackle like laugh that he let off had you giggling as he blew a raspberry on your skin. This earned a squeal from you, laughing as he rocked you back and forth. “No one can take you from me!” 
You were still laughing when Luke returned with three plates, an amused grin on his lips as he raised an eyebrow.
“Save me Lu! Ash is gonna feast on me!” You shrieked again as he blew another raspberry into your neck, the ticklish sensation making you laugh as he held you tightly. 
Luke set the plates down before climbing on the bed, his lips curving into a smirk, making you pause.
“Can I feast with you Ash?” And you groaned as Ashton laughed as Luke straddled the both of you, his body causing the three of you to fall back onto the bed, effectively trapping you between the two of them as Luke left gentle kisses along your neck and you held back your moan, knowing that if he started to pull at the skin you were a goner.
Pulling back, he had a cheeky grin on his lips and you groaned as Ashton laughed.
“You two are the worst. Let me eat, you monsters!” You cried out playfully, making them both laugh as Luke shifted himself off you to get the plates once more and Ashton loosened his hold on your waist.
The rest of the day passed quietly, Ashton had apologised for having to ditch and the three of you settled watching movies long into the early hours of the morning.
Despite the lack of sleep, you were still up early excited that you were finally allowed to go for a walk today, and both of them laughed at your excitement.
Once you were dressed, they followed your lead and got ready. And then you were out of the building and the fresh air felt glorious, even if there was a spattering of rain. You didn’t care.
You led them both to a small pathway that led to the river that ran through the town, the edge of the river filled with cherry blossom trees. Both of them were taking as many photos as they could and you couldn’t hide your smile if you tried. 
Ashton managed to get a nice selfie of the three of you under one of the trees and before long, you realised that the half an hour had gone by and you were beginning to struggle, your legs becoming a little bit shaky. 
But it didn’t deter from the fact that you’d been able to go out for a walk and enjoy it. Both Luke and Ashton could see the immediate difference.
“We’ll go out every day and stay an extra five minutes longer. Build you up. How does that sound?” Ashton asked as you walked up the driveway, arm in arm with the both of them.
“That sounds good. Onwards and upwards from here and I am so going to kick your butts at Mario Kart now.”  
Their laughter rang around the empty drive as you reached the building and you felt much more positive with them by your sides.
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@sexgodashton​​​, @goth5sos​​​, @calumsmermaid​​​, @empathycth​​​, @wildflowergrae​​​, @calpops​​​, @rosecolouredash​​​, @cal-puddies​​​, @clockwork124​​​, @loveroflrh​​​, @stellar5sosrecs​​, @ashtoniwir​​, @cthla​​, @liketheydidwithyou​​, @sc0ttish-wildfl0wer​​, @bluehairedtracii​​, @drummerboy794​​, @feliznavidaddycal​​, @ukulelecal​​, @wokeupinjapanisabop​​, @converse-luke​​, @madbomb​​, @ccnicole02​​ @youngblood199456​​, @megz1985​​, @lukesidentitycrisis​​, @snapback-irwie​​, @neonweeknds​​, @666yourwitchyfriend666​​, @cherrycolamike​​, @cashtonasfuck​​, @ashtaway​​, @conquerwhatliesahead92​​, @itjustkindahappenedreally​​, @kchillout​​, @damselindistressanu​​, @colormekaykay​​, @findingliam-o​​, @sublimehood​​, @sugarcoated-pain​​, @singt0mecalum​​, @singledadharrington​​, @calumspeachy​​, @colourfulcalum​​, @lostincalum​​, @burncrashbromance​​, @asht0ns-world​​, @flusteredcliffo​​, @ixcantxdecidexwhosxmyxfave​​, @fangirl-everythang​​, @lashtondaddies​​, @calumssunshine​​, @ambskiwi​​, @abundant-stars​​, @myescapefromthislife​​, @lmao5sosimagines​​, @beyoncesdragon​​, @jae-writes-fanfiction​​, @cxddlyash​​, @tresfandom​​, @utterly-u-n-p-e-r-f-e-c-t​​, @niallisworld​​, @lietomevalntyn​​, @babylon-corgis​​, @monochrome44​​, @behind-my-hazeleyes27​​, @ghost0fy0u​​, @lyllibug​​, @bloodmoonashton​, @ghostofmashton​, @summerellaz​, @a-little-less-sixteen​, @cashworthy​, @smokeinherlungs​, @longlastingdaydream​, @h0tsos​, @sweetcherrymike​, @5sosnsfw​, @sugar-nico​, @angel-cal​​, @samros95​​, @maluminspace​​, @lukeinblue​​, @cakesunflower​​, @allamerican-betch​​, @britnicole11​​, @gigglyirwin​​, @loverofcashton​​, @iovehemmings​​, @g-l-pierce​​, @jannimoeller3​​, @wildmichaelflower​​, @lukeskisses​​, @5sossstan​​, @youngbloodchild​​, @abb-lan-5sos​​, @calumsbub​​, @flameraine​​, @here-for-the-uproars​​, @mateisit-balsamic​​, @ilovelukey​​, @goldenmndes​​, @musiclover1263​​, @alloutofcashton​​, @tobefalling​​, @sarahshepherdblog​​, @cassie-sos​​, @banditocth​​, @cthwldflwr​,
if you’ve been removed from my taglist it’s because i couldn’t tag you!! 
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chemicallydamaged · 3 years
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Recovery: The Stigma Of Struggle 2/2 (TW)
Please do not read further If you are easily disturbed or affected by mentions of self harm, weight gain, or suicidal behaviors. I wrote this to help someone feel less alone and share my experience- not to potentially trigger someone. Please be safe.
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I told my parents about my several-year long addiction to self harm, despite starting at the age of seven. I've never once been to a therapist, counselor, psychologist, or a psychiatrist. I mainly have scars on my thighs, but I also have them on my waist, face, feet, hands, hips, and so on. I have used needles, glass, push pins, scissors, exacto-blades, knives, razors, and whatever else I could get my hands on. It became an addiction before I even knew what and addiction was.
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(This is an unprofessional, messy rough draft that I wanted to post so you know i'm not dead. I may edit this sometime in the future and delete this lil message thingy.)
Suddenly, you become a liar- that's how these things go on for so long, that's how this cycle eats you alive; “I hate getting wet”, “I just get cold easily”, “The cat scratched me”, and so on. You do anything to protect this secret, this horrible fucking brain eating, exhausting secret- while also hoping someone would ask how you are, maybe ask what's going on, and yet you still lie to them. Help doesn't feel for you- help doesn't always feel like an option. 
I always felt like everytime I cut, it was like shutting my thoughts up for a few seconds. I had so much swarming in my head, so many negative, screaming thoughts eating away at my brain, that I would do anything to relieve the tension. Everything irritated me. So when I got home, and all these memories of screaming parents and asshole students and shitty teachers screamed in my thoughts, I couldn't take it. For me, I convinced myself of two options; self harm, or ending my life.
June, maybe July of 2020. I haven't gone outside for a very long time, using covid fear as an excuse. I would be in such deep wallows of depression I could barely move; at that point I had gained so much weight I was scared of taking showers. I was scared of going outside. I was scared of eating. I used a group chat in one of my friend’s servers to get me through it, at least so I could socialize in one way or another. I wanted to get better, yet I was too exhausted to take the steps of recovery. I had tried to quit a few times at that point, only to fall back in. I would be taking a plane ride to see family (safely) and I was so fucking scared. It would be incredibly hot over there, I couldn't wear shorts, I was depressed, I had low-self esteem, and now I had to socialize with family I hadn't seen in several years. I was convinced they would be disappointed in me, I really didn't want them to be ashamed. 
When I finally got there, everything had changed. They looked so different- my little cousin, who I remembered as a toddler, was now a kid. My aunts were more stressed out than I had ever noticed before. Some pets had passed away, and the area of town had become pretty run-down. I had always wanted a little sister, and felt like I missed out on a lot of those years- so I tried to spend as much time with her as I could. She was so happy and so energetic, I was so surprised to see that she was excited to meet me. She didn't care about how I looked or how awkward I was, she just wanted to do art and make mudpies and jump on a trampoline, like a kid. I missed out on water balloons, refusing to wear shorts, which upset everyone because I wouldn't be able to play. I took that time to lock myself in a bedroom and cry. When I thought of her ever doing what I was doing to myself, I broke down completely. I would have been self harming for a year by her age. I missed out on so much. To think that she could ever go through that terrifies me and shakes me to my core. She is like a little sister i've never had. I thought of my brother and how he would be upset, so see his actual little sister go through this the whole time. This is still hard to think about. This was my first kick in the ass to recovery. I was going to commit.
I came home in a lot of pain. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I kept impulsively grabbing objects, picking at my skin, biting my nails, and going fucking crazy. I was so close, so many times. I can barely express the amount of stress I was in, not being able to use what I believed to be my only coping mechanism ever since I can remember, knowing for sure I absolutely could not and would not do it. I had to fight with my brain 24/7 just to stay afloat, to have self-control.
Fast forward 4-ish months and I was finally about to tell my mom, but at the wrong time. The closest self harming behavior I had was skin scratching, but that was better than cutting. We had gone to the store to pick out some clothes and I was really excited about it; however, the closer we go to the changing room the harder my heart throbbed out of my chest. If she went in with me, she would see all the scars. We had gotten to the changing room, and she went in with me. I froze up, in cold sweat, and couldn't do or say anything. Just as she said “Oh woops do you not want me in th-” I broke down. In a grocery store changing room. For everyone to hear. She sat me down and comforted me, like a cool mom. I was  surprised, I thought she would be embarrassed. I told her about everything. She supported me. I couldn't stop shaking, unsure of weather to be sad or happy. I finally said something. I was relieved. I finally did it.
My dad was less accepting after my mom told him first. Because he doesn't believe in “organized help” and instead believes you have to “get through anything on your own, because that's what I DO” It was probably a bit of a struggle for my mom to talk to him. He avoided me for a few days, until he was ready. When I had finally told him, it turned out to be ok. He wasn't happy with me but he wasn't pissed either so that's a positive. My brother had a similar reaction. A lot of friends didn't care. But some still did, and I'd rather have a few real friends than a lot of fake ones. Sounds like a bunch of hippie dippie Karen bullshit but I genuinely feel way more positive about this then when I first told my parents. I hope to get mental health help soon, although there are so many people trying to get it that its difficult to find a good therapist thats available (Thx c0v1d, u sur3 r g8 0n m3ntal h3alth <3). For now, i'm just doing the best I can- im still going to struggle, but that's part of life. Im happy with that. 
This is only my side of the story.
Yours doesn't always have to be the recovery, but it can be the ask for help.
(2/2) 
Hope your doing well, wherever you are.
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sinceileftyoublog · 4 years
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Helvetia Interview: Back to Normal
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BY JORDAN MAINZER
On the surface, This Devastating Map sounds like other albums from Jason Albertini’s Helvetia, a mix of short-form and mid-range tracks, its slinky, meandering, spindly pop weirdness mixing nicely with his muted vocals. It also presents like a victory lap for a busy half-decade for Albertini, who had a short run in Built to Spill and saw beloved slowcore band Duster (he is one of 3 members) reunite for shows, a box set, and a new record. But dig a little deeper into the lyrics and titles, and you start to feel the record’s true context. This Devastating Map--a reference to Albertini’s battles with drug addiction and current sobriety, plus quite literally the scars on his body--is a record about finding the clarity in himself once again, getting clean of drugs and mitigating the mental struggles that made him turn there in the first place. And the recording of it, with Steve Gere (also a member of Built to Spill during Albertini’s tenure) and Samantha Stidham, was a therapeutically social process, in contrast to what Albertini normally undertakes in silo for Helvetia records.
Speaking to me from his home in Portland, Albertini opened up about his story of addiction, one which he wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about. He eventually decided to on account of the fact that, according to him, it’s, like it or not, a part of who he was, or is. But he doesn’t take for granted the fact that This Devastating Map came out, nor that he’s been ceaselessly working on new music during the pandemic. Over the last few years, struggling with addiction, he was busy, but not creative. Now, as he says, making music is all he wants to do. “Who knows how many years I’ll feel that this is okay, just hanging out and playing?” he said. Plus, he thinks the next record to come out is the best one he’s ever done. He’s proud of himself again.
Read our conversation below, edited for length and clarity.
Since I Left You: To start: The record was inspired by you getting clean.
Jason Albertini: I dealt with a substance abuse problem. It mainly comes from my foray into trying to clean up my depression. In my late 20′s, I started experimenting with drugs to relieve this part of my personality I couldn’t really explain. It was fairly innocent for a while, but then I did slip off and became a heroin addict for a while. I haven’t really talked about it and wasn’t sure I was really gonna talk about it. 
In the last year, I got out of rehab. I went to one rehab for a couple months. It’s weird the way it slipped in: The first time around, it was just a few months that took me down really quick. Then I got off and started playing music again--when I’m loaded, I can’t create anything. I had a relapse, and that one was pretty bad. 
It’s kind of hard to explain. It was a real fight. When I was getting off the maintenance drugs, I started recording a lot in my freedom. I stopped taking anything, [still] getting help with ADD. [But] there were all these things that for me bloomed into a serious drug addiction. Adderall, anxiety medication, it all stopped working after a while, and I got really unlucky. Over a year now I’ve got out of rehab, I’ve been doing really well. It was really hard getting off all that maintenance stuff, and it was hard for my mind to start working properly again--not music-wise. The music came right back. But me relating to other people and me dealing with what’s still my insecurities and the bad habits I had to break that aren’t just drug-related. Years of isolating. 
That works for music. When I fell off, it wasn’t for a long time, but the reverberation from that I still deal with, even though I am as sober as can be at this point. I don’t do AA, because I’ll drink wine every once in a while. I survived. The music was all dealing with trying to make sense of what happened. At first, I was gonna make it a personal mission to shed light on mental health and what help there is for people that slip into drug addiction, and how much it hijacks people’s brains. I was gonna draw attention to it. The further I got away from it, I was weary of putting myself out there. I had to tell all my friends, and everyone in my world knows. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to really talk about it, but I am, now. A lot of people deal with that stuff. It was really embarrassing for me, to think about how I slipped like that. But it happens to strong people, all kinds of people.
SILY: Was touring with Duster making things more difficult?
JA: What happened was Duster got back together--I was clean at this point, but I had already had my year-long battle with substance abuse between getting let go of Built to Spill and when Duster started, which was a short gap. When Duster played in New York, I was still sober. I got back from there and promptly relapsed really hard. I got clean again for tour, but relapsed again when I got back. Those guys were really patient with me. They tried to hook me up with help. Everyone has to do it for themselves. When that box set got released, I was struggling. I always expected Duster to start up again, but it never would. It finally did, and I felt like I was letting my end of it down. I contributed to the new record--it all happened really quick, at least that’s what it seems like.
I was just getting ready to do a lot of touring with Helvetia, and then COVID happened, so I’m just playing every day, recording, and taking care of myself.
SILY: It seems like as tough and scary as a pandemic is, it has for a lot of people given them an opportunity to mentally reset and pay attention to what makes them feel good, mentally and physically. Do you find that’s the case?
JA: Yeah. I imagine there’s so many people getting back into whatever passions they have, and I think it’s good for that. You always have to make the best of the situation, as impossible as it all seems. With rock shows being a way’s off, and are they gonna come up with a vaccine? If they don’t, it really messes a lot of things up for everybody. The food industry. We’re song and dance people who go out and play shows. We get used to it. It’s a nice break in between recording. It doesn’t seem like that’s gonna be happening for a while. Make the best of it. Getting used to the new way of life.
SILY: Was you getting let go of Built to Spill just because Doug Martsch was trying to rotate the lineup every record?
JA: Yeah. [Drummer Steve Gere] and I came in--Steve plays in Helvetia, too. When we went in together in 2012, I didn’t think it was gonna be something that lasted a long time. We toured a lot, and I really enjoyed that experience. I consider Doug a really good friend. We’ve been through a lot of stuff together. That was really cool, but when he got rid of the other two guitar players during that time, and we got down to a three-piece, I got really stretched out at that point. It wasn’t the Built to Spill I thought people wanted to see. We were about to go to Brazil, and Doug decided he wanted to switch it up. I think he just got bored of it. When Doug went to Brazil, he hooked up with some musicians there who are really cool. I was surprised when we were let go, but that’s just the way he has built up his band, that he can do that. I think it’s best for Built to Spill. I went and saw them when they were in Portland for 4 nights. It was good to see him. It was a really great experience, but until you’ve actually toured 5 months out of the year--that was my dream, being a musician that makes money doing that--but it isn’t the easiest thing ever. There’s a lot of grinding it out. It’s impossible to complain about it, because you’re doing a lot of things that people want to do.
SILY: Do any of the lyrics on This Devastating Map explicitly reference your struggles with addiction?
JA: I start the whole record off talking about getting clean. I don’t want to spell it out, because it’s pretty brutal, but that’s what it is. The whole record is as clear as I wanted it to get. It’s all over it. That came out of the struggle. I would say most songs deal with the repercussions from that. When you’re in recovery, time is so important. Every day you gain sober is really big. You’re waiting to get back to normal, and the songs kind of deal with that waiting. It’s tough. But I can say for sure that after a year, it gets a lot easier. It is possible to get over it, but you really have to have the worst time of your life doing it. It’s so unfortunate that getting into hard drugs is so easy nowadays. It’s a bummer. [laughs]
“Reaktor”, the video that game out, that’s even just me trying to be upbeat. I’m a new person now. Back to normal, able to be a dad. 
SILY: Do you regularly listen to this record?
JA: I listened to it a bunch while I was making it. I struggled with the order of the songs, and which songs to keep, and I changed it a few times after we mastered it. When I was done with it and finally sent it off, I stopped listening to it. I’m a couple records down the road. But I’m really proud of it. I’m proud of myself for getting my shit back together. That was one of the biggest drawbacks of dealing with addiction--my creativity fucking sucked. I could sit there and try all I want, but I couldn’t finish. Finally getting back to normal, I’m keeping that going. I’m recording as much as I can. I’m 45, man. This is the life that I chose. I never really grew up. I’m still a young person in the head. In hindsight, I think it changed a lot of things, but that’s just hindsight. I’m really lucky: I have good friends, people that encouraged me to be the best person I can be, and I’m not complaining. It was a struggle, and I feel bad for anyone else going through this.
SILY: What inspired the phrase “this devastating map?”
JA: It’s as simple as the songs together tell the story of my addiction and my recovery, and also just the scars on my body. It’s way more hardcore than I want it to be, but that’s the way it is.
SILY: There’s a certain realness to the record. Are you always singing from your point of view?
JA: No, I’ll inhabit any personality I can think of. A lot of times, I’ll refer to myself in the third person. That’s the thing: This record is more autobiographical than other records, but usually, I have a relationship with my past catalog. I always wonder, “How many records are you gonna make with what you have to offer?” I rework old ideas and do things over and over and wait for better results. A lot of the lyrics are tongue-in-cheek. A lot of what’s lost is the sense of humor. The reason I didn’t give you lyrics is because what you imagine what’s being said is more appropriate than what I actually wrote. When I listen to music, I make it my own. That’s what’s great about music. You put it out there, and other people make it their own. This record, there’s a lot of “me” in it.
SILY: To me, a song like “Love Me” seems pretty strong and direct.
JA: I’m a people pleaser...I’m looking for love, even though it’s not that simple all the time. I’ve never written a song that even talks about love, so that was tough for me to actually put that on the record. Every band I like talks about love, but it’s the most basic aspect of my personality: wanting to be accepted.
SILY: Can you tell me about “Castle Rock”?
JA: [laughs] I was digging through some old 4-track stuff, looking for sound collage things. I found the nucleus of that. That song, in my mind, was a triumphant thing. What’s another thing bands write about? How they’re gonna rock your face off. It’s kind of a joke, like, “Storm the castle! I’m gonna get my shit together!” That song was cool because I just like the way the breaks worked out. The drum machine. It’s a little more nonsensical. A “We Will Rock You” kind of thing.
SILY: It definitely provides some levity.
JA: I can’t talk about how much you suck or shit sucks [all the time]. Sometimes, it’s just songwriting 101...I’m not that great at it. [laughs]
SILY: Making an album inspired by a difficult and emotional period in your life, did that find its way into the recording process? You recorded it with other people who knew what you were going through.
JA: Duster, we were kind of a band that recorded with each other, but it started off as everyone doing their own and putting it on the record. Helvetia I’ve always done by myself. It’s by definition a vanity project. Everything’s done exactly how I want it to be done, and it satisfies all my pop urges, stuff I wouldn’t be able to get away with with Duster. Steve’s the guy who put me into rehab. I play with him regularly, but music for the most of the time is a solitary thing. I do like the process of playing with people, but for this project I don’t do that. So the recording was by far the least stressful part of this. It was really therapeutic for me. Every day, get ideas down. Making records to me is really entertaining. Whittling away at it until it’s cohesive.
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SILY: What’s the inspiration behind the album art?
JA: My friend Creighton Barrett from Band of Horses, we were in the same friends group in Seattle in the early 2000′s. We just kept in touch, and he posted a poster he made on Instagram. Before this record was finalized, I thought it was gonna be really heavy, so I wanted some artwork that was more playful. So that’s Creighton’s artwork.
SILY: Do you have any idea how you might adapt these songs live, when the time comes?
JA: This record, we’re playing 3 songs from it...this one doesn’t have the easiest songs to play, so I decided to work within the confines of regular tuning and have a new record come out after this. That’s the problem: When you’re recording a lot, you’re a couple records ahead of where the releases are. I don’t think about this record at all. I started thinking about it again when it was announced, and it’s not that I don’t love it, but I’m not gonna play a lot of songs from it. Maybe that’ll change. I have to think about how they’re gonna come across live. There’s a new set of songs that’s gonna be more fun live. I don’t know how a lot of this stuff translates. I think some people like the meandering, soft rocker stuff. I’m not worried about playing this record.
SILY: Were you thinking about doing a live stream?
JA: Not for Helvetia. We did a Duster thing where we all did a cover of a Duster song in isolation, and it was cool, but I have yet to watch a performance of someone at home. Well, I watched Doug Martsch do his Daniel Johnston songs, and that was cool, but I wouldn’t want to do it by myself, and I can’t get my band to hang out with me, since we’re worried we’ll get each other sick and die. I don’t want to play a backing track. I don’t think the world needs me performing by myself right now.
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dragonkitty · 3 years
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A practice in Word Vomit
It speaks so many volumes that as I type this on my laptop, I’m struggling with keys and using it so poorly. Some is that the keyboard layout isn’t great, but some is that I just... haven’t written. It’s muscle memory in a lot of ways, putting down words. I think of my formal writing, my fiction and my fanfiction and it saddens me because it’s been months. I’ve written pieces here and there, but ultimately it’s been mostly invisible. I feel invisible.
There we go. On a roll.
I’ll put the rest of my Tragic Tale of Allie under the cut, in case you don’t want to read it. You may not care. I’m not offended.
For a while it’s felt like a lot keeps hitting me. My first serious blow was the neck surgery about two years ago. Spine surgery, if we’re being specific. Two degenerated discs bulging and pressing into my spinal cord. I went through PT, two (YES TWO) needle injections into my spine itself that I was fully conscious and awake for. But my pain level was such i didn’t even recognize it. I definitely felt it after. And the surgery took a lot of recovery. I couldn’t sit at my computer, let alone type anything. A lot disappeared and my depression really crept in.
Work was awful after and I lost my job during my attempt at recovery. It was a huge blow and it hurt. Throughout this, I was in Seattle and had also moved to a place where I was more isolated and alone. I was away from family. Everyone. And even after losing a second job (arguably worse), I found a good one, but had to make the decision to go home.
My friend Lindsay had let me live in her house for a while. She swore she saw me as a sister and cared for me. Loved me like family. But when she met her new partner, her days without her kids she spent with him. I respect that, but its so hard coming home to a large house, empty and dark, and being alone. And I kept asking how things were going, if I should be worried about moving. She kept telling me no. Until it was yes, out of left field, while I had been planning to move back to Boston (though not for a few months).
By the grace of... god, or whatever, I had a friend let me stay with her. But the process included a new job (it was good), finding a moving company, finding rental units, figuring out where I’d live... etc. And in that time, I found out my mother was dying which certainly sped the process up.
I spent thousands moving back home to Boston. I don’t regret it, though. Don’t think I do. But I came back with no job and a hard bout of depression that wracked me, knowing my mother wasn’t well. I got a job at Starbucks in October, but it was a solid month and a half of me feeling miserable and unlovable. It had been years since I’d even kissed someone and I felt so alone. How I didn’t do anything stupid I don’t understand.
I got a new job, my current one, doing what I love doing, and covid hit. Living with my parents still, helping my mother through her chemotherapy and general living, I was forced to stay and work from home. I was completely isolated. Completely. Finding an apartment that wasn’t horrible is still a shock to me. But I found one and moved out and thankfully I’m sitting in my Boston apartment as we speak. But work is hard and I’ve been quite mistreated recently, leaving me pretty hurt. 
Of course I was also given the news my mother has, at most, weeks left. I will be losing her shortly.
This sums up two years, give or take. 
I get angry a lot. I don’t trust people but for good reason. People aren’t to be trusted. Life is hard and I understanding quite well it was not a thing designed to be an easy walkthrough. I get that there’s never “a good time” but can we at least agree I’ve had a hell of a go? 
I miss being held. Kissed. Doted on and loved. I miss having my hair brushed back and smiled at. I miss small little kisses against my neck or my cheek, or smiles given when I’m not paying attention. I miss a person sending me texts with my favorite memes attached or a BUNCH ALL AT ONCE. I miss having group chats with friends, too. Being in a circle or a group. I miss being a part of something. Of friends that just share pictures of poorly posted signs or when my cats are lying upside down. I miss being important to people and loved by people. Or someone.
There is a lot I’ve lost in the past few years. A lot of gained, I won’t forget that, but I worry about my brain in a real way. I have to get an MRI now as well, on my brain. I can’t walk straight. I fall a lot, which I wasn’t telling people. Another one of those “Oh wait not everyone falls and has piercing migraines and loses time and is suddenly wrought with intense vertigo?” No. My neurologist wants me seen. He’s worried. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it’s an answer. Maybe it’s another fucking thing in my life.
I try not to hold onto resentment. Pain. I had a dream the other night, I’ll post it on its own, but it was so full of love that when I woke I tried to hold onto. Not sure why. Maybe it was some reassurance that I have that capacity inside of myself, to love. To be loved. I think sometimes I don’t have it. Or I won’t feel it again. I hope I do. 
But my creativity has hit such a... well, hit. I haven’t written, as I said, in a long time and it hurts. I think I wrote this hoping it would kickstart that again and maybe it has. Maybe I’ll do my own journaling a bit to get into it again. Get myself in shape for NaNoWriMo. Maybe I’ll tackle that.
I’ve put my dreams on hold, though. My dreams of being a writer. A novelist. Of showing the world the other stuff I write that’s in my head, my hundred pages of a story that’s changed and morphed into something more real and important to me. I’ve stored that away. Because with fanfiction, even if it doesn’t get likes or comments and people don’t engage, I can blame the fandom and try not to take it personally. That’s how I survive, though I assure you I do assume I am EPIC at judging myself and my work. I hate my writing. But I do it. A practice in futility I suppose.
I have my dumb cats right now. Staring at me as I binge Lucifer, on a break from work because I thankfully had time off and my supervisor’s supervisor suggested I take time. After it was divulged to her about my mother dying despite me not giving permission for that information to be shared. But I digress.
If you read any of that, I commend you. It is proof that I am frankly not that interesting and honestly kind of whiny. My life is full of so much more than all that, but I guess I needed to put that part down somewhere in the world. So it doesn’t get lost. Go missing. And maybe someone will read this, even just one person, and finally, maybe, I’ll feel like I’ve been seen. 
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calzona-ga · 4 years
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SPOILER ALERT: The story includes details about the season-finale episode of ABC’s Grey’s Anatomy. While it wasn’t the planned ending, tonight’s Season 16 finale of ABC’s Grey’s Anatomy, written by Mark Driscoll and Tameson Duffy and directed by Deborah Pratt, was fitting. Indeed, this season was cut short due to the halting of production in response to the COVID-19 pandemic.
You can’t be the longest-running medical drama on television without overcoming some challenges, and Grey’s already has proved its ability to pivot when the unexpected happens. The production shutdown was is the second major curveball for the show this season after original cast member Justin Chambers’ abrupt exit. No word on whether the four unproduced episodes from Season 16 will roll over to the next season. But this episode, titled “Put on a Happy Face,” had enough to tide us over until Season 17.
Let’s start on a positive highlight. After Richard (James Pickens Jr.) experienced hallucinations as well as a very intense and very public breakdown, fans feared that they might be losing another veteran Grey/Sloane surgeon. Determined not to accept his Alzheimer’s diagnosis, Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo) and Andrew DeLuca (Giacomo Gianniotti) worked around the clock to pinpoint the problem, with DeLuca coming through with a game-changing discovery: His dementia was a result of cobalt poisoning from a hip replacement surgery.
Not a hard fix. Dr. Link (Chris Carmack) was brought in to remove the cobalt, and it appears that Webber is on the road to recovery with his health. However, his marriage to Catherine is not out of the danger zone. Turns out the hallucinations had nothing to do with his marital discord. “Did you stand by me while I was being fired? You buy my hospital to humiliate me, or is that my mind playing tricks, too,” Webber contends before sternly kicking Catherine out of the room.
Meanwhile, DeLuca, who has been exhibiting erratic behavior and angry outbursts all season, isn’t able to bask in his incredible catch. Instead, has a breakdown of his own — signaling that it might be time to address his bipolar disorder-like symptoms, which are similar to his father’s.
DeLuca and Grey have become quite the medical duo this season but still couldn’t figure out how to make their romantic relationship work. It’s unclear where that will land next season as a new contender entered midseason — and he goes by the name of Dr. Cormac Hayes (Richard Flood). The two seem to have a connection, though it appears to be on a friendly level at this point (Hayes was a present sent to Meredith by “her person” Cristina Yang). Could this be the next Grey’s love triangle?
Elsewhere, Amelia Shepherd (Caterina Scorsone) finally had her baby! And she opted not to have an epidural because she’s an addict, and the epidural has fentanyl in it. While baby daddy Link wasn’t able to be present during the birth (he was performing the surgery on Webber), she had fellow “pregnancy club” sister Miranda Bailey (Chandra Wilson) by her side. The two share a tender moment when Bailey hops on the bed to support Amelia as she is giving birth, calling back to the time when late George O’Malley (T. R. Knight) did the same for Bailey during her labor back in Season 2.
Alas, not everyone got a happy ending. Owen Hunt (Kevin McKidd) and Teddy Altman (Kim Raver) were set to walk down the aisle, but Teddy needed her one last go-round with Tom Koracick (Greg Germann). Unbeknownst to her, she somehow recorded it and sent it to Owen, who had to endure the embarrassment of hearing it while in the OR surrounded by his colleagues. The wedding eventually is postponed, with Owen giving the excuse that he was pulled into surgery last-minute. In typical Grey’s fashion, there is never a wedding without drama.
Deadline spoke with Grey’s Anatomy showrunner Krista Vernoff, who unpacked the final episode, hinted at what’s to come next season and revealed what storylines she wished they were able to air this season. She also weighed in on the fan reactions to Alex Karev’s controversial exit.
DEADLINE: The Season 16 ender wasn’t what was expected, but like you said in your tweet, it was very satisfying, and a fitting Grey’s ending. How do you plan on carrying over the storyline to next season, or is there a plan to carry over the storyline from the last four episodes to next season? KRISTA VERNOFF: I have not formulated that plan yet. In about four weeks, I’m going to get in a room with the writers, and we’re going to talk about all of it. I know that a lot us are having brainstorms since we have so much time at home. A lot of us are texting each other, and going, “Oh, what if we did this? What if we do that?” So I have a feeling that their stories are going to change some, from what we had planned, and that we’ll repurpose some of what we had written and use it in the early episodes of Season 17.
DEADLINE: The production shut down was the second major curveball for the show, after Justin Chambers’ exit. What were your thoughts on the reaction to his exit?VERNOFF: Well, you know, I haven’t been commenting on this much, but I just did an Instagram Live where I said that, so, I’ll say it to you too. I believe that there would’ve been at least as big an outcry if we had killed that character off-camera, and those were our choices. It was kill the character off-camera, or come up with some believable way that he gets his happily ever after, and some of the fans have posited, ‘well he could have just been off-screen in Seattle like April Kepner, but then you’ve got an actress on the show who doesn’t get to do any of the fun, sexy, playful thrill that we’re known for, then you penalize the actors who are staying on the show by limiting what you could do creatively with them. So I was really proud of that episode. I think Elisabeth Finch did an extraordinary job with a nearly impossible task.
That episode made me cry. It made me laugh. I felt really deeply. I felt satisfaction, and I will say that I have received a great many comments from fans who felt the same way, but the angry people are always the loudest ones.
I wasn’t surprised by the fan reaction, but I know it would’ve been equally angry if I had killed him — so it was like, these are your choices, and I felt really happy with what we chose.
DEADLINE: The fact that you didn’t kill the character off also leaves the door open that we might see them in the future. So is there any chance of [Justin Chambers] or Katherine Heigl, ever coming back? VERNOFF: When I left the show in Season 7, people asked me if there was any chance of me ever coming back, and I was smart enough to say, “Never say never.” Here I am, so who knows?
DEADLINE: Jo was able to accept Alex’s decision in a short amount of time and come to terms with everything. Did that have anything to do with her character’s stint in the psychiatric hospital, at the beginning of the season? VERNOFF: Yes. Jo had had such a dramatic, emotional, painful arc, the second half of Season 15. None of the writers, frankly, none of us wanted to see her go back down into a hole. One of the things about the way the character was written off is that she had a lot of time to wonder, and to fear the worst, and I have found in life that when you have a lot of time to wonder and fear the worst, then when you get an answer, even if it’s terrible news, it feels better than not knowing. And it helps you move on, more quickly.
DEADLINE: I want to just touch on Richard’s illness. Is it safe to say that he’s out of the danger zone? Also, did his illness contribute to anything that had to do with his relationship with Catherine? And what can we expect from that couple in the future?We’ll start with the illness — is he in the safe zone now that they’ve caught it early and treated it? VERNOFF: Yes, and I thought that that was one of the most amazing things about this diagnosis was that the cobalt poisoning thing is real and it really can cause all of those symptoms. It can cause dementia-like symptoms. It can cause Parkinson’s-like symptoms —  tremors, hallucinations — and the amazing thing about it is that once you diagnose it, and you get the leaky hip out of your body, you can recover, totally. That felt, just as the storyteller, an amazing thing because it let us give Jim Pickens this really rich, rich material, without us having to permanently disable his character. I think that that was an amazing ride for the fans, because the outcry of we’re showing symptoms that don’t feel like they have cures.
There’s not really a cure for Parkinson’s. There’s not a cure for Alzheimer’s. So I know everyone was in a panic, and so, we got to tell this really satisfying story, and we got to let people know that sometimes, there’s another diagnosis for those symptoms, which we found fascinating, as a group of writers who write medicine, that it’s so rare to see something this satisfying.
DEADLINE: Did the symptoms from the cobalt poisoning have anything to do with his attitude toward Catherine? What’s in store for them? Can we still hold out hope for that couple? VERNOFF: I think you can always hold out hope for any couple on Grey’s Anatomy. You never know where it’s going, and I think that the way we designed this was that the fracture, the real fracture in Catherine and Richard’s relationship predated the cobalt poisoning.
So the way we imagined it was that, with the depression, everyone thought it was related to his divorce, and it was actually a symptom of cobalt poisoning. And then the tremors were a symptom of cobalt poisoning, and then the hallucinations, so that when he forgave her, he forgave her in a hallucination. And when he was well, he remembered the actual events from his life, for which he has not yet forgiven her. The reason that I hold out most for that couple is that Catherine rediscovered her deep and profound love for Richard when she almost lost him. I think that that may enable her to apologize in the way that Richard will need to hear.
DEADLINE: Speaking of forgiveness, in true Grey’s fashion, there’s never a wedding without any drama, as we saw with Teddy and Owen. We’ve seen their relationship woes throughout the series, and this season felt like they were going to finally get it together and find each other and have their happy ending. Why haven’t they quite found that happy ending, and can Owen forgive Teddy? VERNOFF: I think that those are questions that we will have to explore in Season 17. I will say that of all the storylines that were left hanging, that is the one that I was the most disappointed about. Actually, there were two: I’m disappointed that I cannot give Teddy — we had an episode coming up where we were able to better articulate and better understand what’s prompting Teddy’s behavior, and we don’t get to air it. Who knows, maybe it’s going to change between now and when we’ll actually shoot it for Season 17, but I feel for Kim Raver. The amount of standing is high, and we’ve left her in a strange place. It’s compelling, and why? Your question is big. Why? Why would she sabotage — why, when she was finally getting her happy ending, did she sabotage it? I think it’s the super-rich area personally.
And then the other story that I was really disappointed that we couldn’t complete — and I will tell you that I haven’t told this to anyone else, but we did a story where there as a victim of human trafficking, like two episodes ago, and DeLuca we got recognized it but he was in such a mentally compromised, manic state that nobody listened to him and the girl left. We had an episode where she comes back, and I am really sad that we can’t air that episode this season because it felt important to offer that kind of hope to people who are living that experience. I may still complete that story next season.
DEADLINE: I want to touch on DeLuca, who has gone through this really rocky journey with Meredith this season. Although they haven’t really been able to figure out their personal relationship, they’ve proven to be a great medical team. What can you tease about this couple? Last season, we talked about Meredith being ready for love. What can we tease about this couple in the future? Is somebody else going to throw a wrench in everything? Somebody by the name of Hayes? VERNOFF: There is hope for Meredith and DeLuca, and I think that there is hope for Meredith and Hayes. I will be fascinated to see how that storytelling emerges in season 17 because this story played in a way that I didn’t picture. You know, you write a thing, and then the actors play it, and then it gets all put together, and then you know what the story is. You don’t know how it’s going to play when you write it. It’s been amazing for me to watch this story this season. I feel like Giacomo has been so compelling, and DeLuca has risen so much, and simultaneously, Hayes has been really compelling and feels very much like Meredith’s equal. At this point, I’, not even sure which couple I’m rooting for, and that’s always an exciting thing.
DEADLINE: Yeah. We love our love triangles on Grey’s. VERNOFF: Yeah. Yeah.
DEADLINE: One couple might have found their happy ending, it seems, is Amelia and Link. The birth of the baby was such a nice ending to a season full of ups and downs. Was that one thing you were excited about? To see Amelia who had her complications with her first pregnancy, and this one turned out fine. VERNOFF: Yeah. I love that story and I am so grateful that … we got to air it this season. It would’ve been really a bummer if we hadn’t made it there, this season. So, that was just luck and I’m grateful that it was in that episode. I love that scene where Bailey gets in the bed with Amelia, and we call back to when George got in the bed with Bailey and it’s just so beautiful. It was pitched by Meg Mooney, who’s been with the show for 15 years. It made me cry when she pitched it, and it makes me cry every time I watch it. I, like everyone else, at this point really am loving Link and Amelia, and I was so happy. That ending for them felt so hard won this season.
DEADLINE: Is the next season being envisioned as the final season since it’s the second of the two-year pickup, or are you guys having conversations about potentially more seasons? VERNOFF: You know, what I always say to this question, is my answer again today, and that is: I will not start planning the end of Grey’s Anatomy until Shonda [Rhimes] and Ellen and ABC all sit down together, tell me that this really the end this time. The truth is those conversations might be being had if we weren’t dealing with a global pandemic, but everyone’s gone home, and I suspect we’ll start talking about that in a month, or two.
DEADLINE: Speaking of this global pandemic, obviously Grey’s is known for taking things that are happening in the world, and incorporating it into the series. Are there any plans to reflect on this current pandemic on the show for next season? VERNOFF: I haven’t had a minute yet to sit with the writers and talk about it. So, we’re all at home, and we’re on hiatus, but in about four weeks, we’ll gather, and we’ll talk about it. I have a hard time imagining that we don’t have to acknowledge this massive thing that we’ve all gone through, in our fictional world, too, but I have no idea how. I don’t know what it’s going to look like.
DEADLINE: Station 19 — we still have more episodes coming with that series. Are we going to see any of the Grey’s characters in the final couple of episodes? VERNOFF: Yes. Happily, yes, you are. The Grey’s characters are all over the last two episodes of Station 19. So, that is a really nice treat for the fans, too. Many of our Grey’s characters are in Episodes 15 or 16 on Station 19.
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Article from The Atlantic “This Is Not a Normal Mental Health Disaster” (posted July 7th, 2020). Excerpt:
In any case, the full extent of the fallout will not come into focus for some time. Psychological disorders can be slow to develop, and as a result, the Textbook of Disaster Psychiatry, which Morganstein helped write, warns that demand for mental-health care may spike even as a pandemic subsides. “If history is any indicator,” Morganstein says of COVID-19, “we should expect a significant tail of mental-health effects, and those could be extraordinary.” Taylor worries that the virus will cause significant upticks in obsessive-compulsive disorder, agoraphobia, and germaphobia, not to mention possible neuropsychiatric effects, such as chronic fatigue syndrome.
The coronavirus may also change the way we think about mental health more broadly. Perhaps, Schoch-Spana says, the prevalence of pandemic-related psychological conditions will have a destigmatizing effect. Or perhaps it will further ingrain that stigma: We’re all suffering, so can’t we all just get over it? Perhaps the current crisis will prompt a rethinking of the American mental-health-care system. Or perhaps it will simply decimate it.
Shared in entirety under the cut for those who can’t access it:
This Is Not a Normal Mental Health Disaster by Jacob Stern
If SARS is any lesson, the psychological effects of the novel coronavirus will long outlast the pandemic itself. 
The SARS pandemic tore through Hong Kong like a summer thunderstorm. It arrived abruptly, hit hard, and then was gone. Just three months separated the first infection, in March 2003, from the last, in June.
But the suffering did not end when the case count hit zero. Over the next four years, scientists at the Chinese University of Hong Kong discovered something worrisome. More than 40 percent of SARS survivors had an active psychiatric illness, most commonly PTSD or depression. Some felt frequent psychosomatic pain. Others were obsessive-compulsive. The findings, the researchers said, were “alarming.”
The novel coronavirus’s devastating hopscotch across the United States has long surpassed the three-month mark, and by all indications, it will not end anytime soon. If SARS is any lesson, the secondary health effects will long outlast the pandemic itself.
Already, a third of Americans are feeling severe anxiety, according to Census Bureau data, and nearly a quarter show signs of depression. A recent poll by the Kaiser Family Foundation found that the pandemic had negatively affected the mental health of 56 percent of adults. In April, texts to a federal emergency mental-health line were up 1,000 percent from the year before. The situation is particularly dire for certain vulnerable groups—health-care workers, COVID-19 patients with severe cases, people who have lost loved ones—who face a significant risk of post-traumatic stress disorder. In overburdened intensive-care units, delirious patients are seeing chilling hallucinations. At least two overwhelmed emergency medical workers have taken their own life.
To some extent, this was to be expected. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, substance abuse, child abuse, and domestic violence almost always surge after natural disasters. And the coronavirus is every bit as much a disaster as any wildfire or flood. But it is also something unlike any wildfire or flood. “The sorts of mental-health challenges associated with COVID-19 are not necessarily the same as, say, generic stress management or the interventions from wildfires,” says Steven Taylor, a psychiatrist at the University of British Columbia and the author of The Psychology of Pandemics (published, fortuitously, in October 2019). “It’s very different in important ways.”
Most people are resilient after disasters, and only a small percentage develop chronic conditions. But in a nation of 328 million, small percentages become large numbers when translated into absolute terms. And in a nation where, even under ordinary circumstances, fewer than half of the millions of adults with a mental illness receive treatment, those large numbers are a serious problem. A wave of psychological stress unique in its nature and proportions is bearing down on an already-ramshackle American mental-health-care system, and at the moment, Taylor told me, “I don’t think we’re very well prepared at all.”
Most disasters affect cities or states, occasionally regions. Even after a catastrophic hurricane, for example, normalcy resumes a few hundred miles away. Not so in a pandemic, says Joe Ruzek, a longtime PTSD researcher at Stanford University and Palo Alto University: “In essence, there are no safe zones any more.”
As a result, Ruzek told me, certain key tenets of disaster response no longer hold up. People cannot congregate at a central location to get help. Psychological first-aid workers cannot seek out strangers on street corners. To be sure, telemedicine has its advantages—it eliminates the logistical and financial burdens of transportation, and some people simply find it more comfortable—but it complicates outreach and can pose problems for older people, who have borne the brunt of the coronavirus.
A pandemic, unlike an earthquake or a fire, is invisible, and that makes it all the more anxiety-inducing. “You can’t see it, you can’t taste it, you just don’t know,” says Charles Benight, a psychology professor at the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs who specializes in post-disaster recovery. “You look outside, and it seems fine.”
From spatial uncertainty comes temporal uncertainty. If we can’t know where we are safe, then we can’t know when we are safe. When a wildfire ends, the flames subside and the smoke clears. “You have an event, and then you have the rebuild process that’s really demarcated,” Benight told me. “It’s not like a hurricane goes on for a year.” But pandemics do not respect neat boundaries: They come in waves, ebbing and flowing, blurring crisis into recovery. One month, New York flares up and Arizona is calm. The next, the opposite.
That ambiguity could make it harder for people to be resilient. “It’s sort of like running down a field to score a goal, and every 10 yards they move the goal,” Benight said. “You don’t know what you’re targeting.” In this sense, Ruzek said, someone struggling with the psychological effects of the pandemic is less like a fire survivor than a domestic-violence victim still living with her abuser, or a traumatized soldier still deployed overseas. Mental-health professionals can’t reassure them that the danger has passed, because the danger has not passed. One can understand why, in a May survey by researchers at the University of Chicago, 42 percent of respondents reported feeling hopeless at least one day in the past week.  
A good deal of this uncertainty was inevitable. Pandemics, after all, are confusing. But coordinated, cool-headed, honest messaging from government officials and public-health experts would have gone a long way toward allaying undue anxiety. The World Health Organization, for all the good it has done to contain the virus, has repeatedly bungled the communications side of the crisis. Last month, a WHO official claimed that asymptomatic spread of the virus is “very rare”—only to clarify the next day, after a barrage of criticism from outside public-health experts, that “we don’t actually have that answer yet.” In February, officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention told Americans to prepare for “disruption to everyday life that may be severe,” then, just days later, said, “The American public needs to go on with their normal lives,” then went mostly dark for the next three months. Health experts are not without blame either: Their early advice about masks was “a case study in how not to communicate with the public,” wrote Zeynep Tufekci, an information-science professor at the University of North Carolina and an Atlantic contributing writer.
The White House, for its part, has repeatedly contradicted the states, the CDC, and itself. The president has used his platform to spread misinformation. In a moment when public health—which is to say, tens of thousands of lives—depends on national unity and clear messaging, the pandemic has become a new front in the partisan culture wars. Monica Schoch-Spana, a medical anthropologist at the Johns Hopkins Center for Health Security, told me that “political and social marginalization can exacerbate the psychological impacts of the pandemic.”
Schoch-Spana has previously written about the 1918 influenza pandemic. Lately, she says, people have been asking her how the coronavirus compares. She is always quick to point out a crucial difference: When the flu emerged in America at the end of a brutal winter, the nation was mobilized for war. Relative unity prevailed, and a spirit of collective self-sacrifice was in the air. At the time, the U.S. was reckoning with its enemies. Now we are reckoning with ourselves.
One thing that is certain about the current pandemic is that we are not doing enough to address its mental-health effects. Usually, says Joshua Morganstein, the chair of the American Psychiatric Association’s Committee on the Psychiatric Dimensions of Disaster, the damage a disaster does to mental health ends up costing more than the damage it does to physical health. Yet of the $2 trillion that Congress allocated for pandemic relief through the CARES Act, roughly one-50th of 1 percent—or $425 million—was earmarked for mental health. In April, more than a dozen mental-health organizations called on Congress to apportion $38.5 billion in emergency funding to protect the nation’s existing treatment infrastructure, plus an additional $10 billion for pandemic response.
Without broad, systematic studies to gauge the scope of the problem, though, it will be hard to determine with any precision either the appropriate amount of funding or where that funding is needed. Taylor told me that “governments are throwing money at this problem at the moment without really knowing how big a problem it will be.”
In addition to studies assessing the scope of the problem, which demographics most need help, and what kind of help they need, Ruzek told me researchers should assess how well intervention efforts are working. Even in ordinary times, he said, we don’t do enough of that. Such studies are especially important now because, until recently, disaster mental-health protocols for pandemics were an afterthought. By necessity, researchers are designing and implementing them all at once.
“Disaster mental-health workers have never been trained in anything about this,” Ruzek said. “They don’t know what to say.”
Even so, the basic principles will be the same. Disaster mental-health specialists often talk about the five core elements of intervention—calming, self-efficacy, connectedness, hope, and a sense of safety—and those apply now as much as ever. At an organizational level, the response will depend on extensive screening, which is to the mental-health side of the pandemic roughly what testing is to the physical-health side. In disaster situations—and especially in this one—the people in need of mental-health support vastly outnumber the people who can supply it. So disaster psychologists train armies of volunteers to provide basic support and identify people at greater risk of developing long-term problems.
“There are certain things that we can still put into place for people based on what we’ve learned about what’s helpful for PTSD and for depression and for anxiety, but we have to adjust it a bit,” says Patricia Watson, a psychologist at the National Center for PTSD. “This is a different dance than the dance that we’ve had for other types of disasters.”
Some states have moved quickly to learn the new steps. In Colorado, Benight is helping to train volunteer resilience coaches to support members of their community and, when necessary, refer them to formal crisis-counseling programs. His team has also worked with volunteers in 31 states, the United Kingdom, and Australia.
Colorado’s approach is not the sort of rigorously tested, evidence-based model to which Ruzek said disaster psychologists should aspire. Then again, “we’re sitting here with not a lot of options,” says Matthew Boden, a research scientist in the Veterans Health Administration’s mental-health and suicide-prevention unit. “Something is better than nothing.”
In any case, the full extent of the fallout will not come into focus for some time. Psychological disorders can be slow to develop, and as a result, the Textbook of Disaster Psychiatry, which Morganstein helped write, warns that demand for mental-health care may spike even as a pandemic subsides. “If history is any indicator,” Morganstein says of COVID-19, “we should expect a significant tail of mental-health effects, and those could be extraordinary.” Taylor worries that the virus will cause significant upticks in obsessive-compulsive disorder, agoraphobia, and germaphobia, not to mention possible neuropsychiatric effects, such as chronic fatigue syndrome.
The coronavirus may also change the way we think about mental health more broadly. Perhaps, Schoch-Spana says, the prevalence of pandemic-related psychological conditions will have a destigmatizing effect. Or perhaps it will further ingrain that stigma: We’re all suffering, so can’t we all just get over it? Perhaps the current crisis will prompt a rethinking of the American mental-health-care system. Or perhaps it will simply decimate it.
In 2013, reflecting on the tenth anniversary of the SARS pandemic, newspapers in Hong Kong described a city scarred by plague. When COVID-19 arrived there seven years later, they did so again. SARS had traumatized that city, but it had also prepared it. Face masks had become commonplace. People used tissues to press elevator buttons. Public spaces were sanitized and resanitized. In New York City, COVID-19 has killed more than 22,600 people; in Hong Kong, a metropolis of nearly the same size, it has killed seven. The city has learned from its scars.
America, too, will bear the scars of plague. Maybe next time, we will be the ones who have learned.
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unicorpseboi · 4 years
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Hey, if I could get a boost or some help, I really need it. I’ve been trying to have top surgery for 3 years, but I’ve never been able to save up enough. And with quarantine, my dysphoria and depression have been at its worst. I need the boost, and I’m desperate for help. I’ve been faced with nothing but hardship, and after my fight with my parents over this being “the worst mistake of my life” and that I’m just going to “regret every decision [I’ve] made” up until now in transitioning, I need something to look forward to again. I am disabled, I have schizoaffective disorder, psuedoseizures, and I was just diagnosed with lupus. I cannot get on disability because I haven’t “worked full-time long enough” despite having a college degree and 5 years of part time/seasonal work experience and having paid the SS tax. And they refuse to answer my calls when I try to apply for SSI because my name was legally changed 3 years ago and they claim they can’t “verify my identity” in their system. I’m an artist, I sell at conventions and on Etsy and normally I’d be able to save up enough over the course of a few months to have my surgery with my cons but covid has snuffed that fire and I’m barely able to keep up with my bills let alone save for any sort of transition-related procedures. Shares and donations are both cherished and needed!
My name is Xander Kelley and I'm 23  years old. I'm starting a Go Fund Me to help fund my top surgery. I started my transitioning journey 3 years ago after I left my abusive home situation, and started setting money aside to have this life changing surgery for myself. Except life caught up with me again, and due to a toxic relationship I ended up getting left with a bunch of bills, rent, living expenses, no insurance, and a part time job to pay it all off, so all of my savings got depleted. I put my surgery on hold, and I've been trying to save up for the last 2 years to get back on my feet and I'm still having issues keeping enough in my savings for my surgery. I finally got an opportunity to have top surgery, but even with what I have saved up I'm still coming up short so I decided it's time to turn to the community and ask for help. This amount includes the cost of surgery, consultations, prescriptions, outpatient fees, along with recovery costs since I will have to be out of work for at least 3 weeks minimum. I know this surgery will be the push that I need to finally be comfortable in my own skin. Not waking up everyday and not recognizing myself in the mirror is a day I've dreamed about since I was a teenager and I'm finally able to have that for myself. I want to feel normal, and recognize the stranger staring back at me. Anything helps! And if you can't donate, please please please share! Thank you all in advance, I literally have nowhere else to turn for help, and I will forever be eternally grateful to anyone who can help me out.
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moodboardinthecloud · 3 years
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Your ‘Surge Capacity’ Is Depleted — It’s Why You Feel Awful
Here’s how to pull yourself out of despair and live your life
Tara Haelle
Aug 16·13 min read
https://elemental.medium.com/your-surge-capacity-is-depleted-it-s-why-you-feel-awful-de285d542f4c
Itwas the end of the world as we knew it, and I felt fine. That’s almost exactly what I told my psychiatrist at my March 16 appointment, a few days after our children’s school district extended spring break because of the coronavirus. I said the same at my April 27 appointment, several weeks after our state’s stay-at-home order.
Yes, it was exhausting having a kindergartener and fourth grader doing impromptu distance learning while I was barely keeping up with work. And it was frustrating to be stuck home nonstop, scrambling to get in grocery delivery orders before slots filled up, and tracking down toilet paper. But I was still doing well because I thrive in high-stress emergency situations. It’s exhilarating for my ADHD brain. As just one example, when my husband and I were stranded in Peru during an 8.0-magnitude earthquake that killed thousands, we walked around with a first aid kit helping who we could and tracking down water and food. Then I went out with my camera to document the devastation as a photojournalist and interview Peruvians in my broken Spanish for my hometown paper.
Now we were in a pandemic, and I’m a science journalist who has written about infectious disease and medical research for nearly a decade. I was on fire, cranking out stories, explaining epidemiological concepts in my social networks, trying to help everyone around me make sense of the frightening circumstances of a pandemic and the anxiety surrounding the virus.
I knew it wouldn’t last. It never does. But even knowing I would eventually crash, I didn’t appreciate how hard the crash would be, or how long it would last, or how hard it would be to try to get back up over and over again, or what getting up even looked like.
Psychiatrist and habit change specialist Dr. Jud Brewer explains how anxiety masquerades as helpfulelemental.medium.com
How to Live When Your Mind Is Governed by Fear
In those early months, I, along with most of the rest of the country, was using “surge capacity” to operate, as Ann Masten, PhD, a psychologist and professor of child development at the University of Minnesota, calls it. Surge capacity is a collection of adaptive systems — mental and physical — that humans draw on for short-term survival in acutely stressful situations, such as natural disasters. But natural disasters occur over a short period, even if recovery is long. Pandemics are different — the disaster itself stretches out indefinitely.
“The pandemic has demonstrated both what we can do with surge capacity and the limits of surge capacity,” says Masten. When it’s depleted, it has to be renewed. But what happens when you struggle to renew it because the emergency phase has now become chronic?
By my May 26 psychiatrist appointment, I wasn’t doing so hot. I couldn’t get any work done. I’d grown sick of Zoom meetups. It was exhausting and impossible to think with the kids around all day. I felt trapped in a home that felt as much a prison as a haven. I tried to conjure the motivation to check email, outline a story, or review interview notes, but I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t make myself do anything — work, housework, exercise, play with the kids — for that whole week.
Or the next.
Or the next.
Or the next.
I know depression, but this wasn’t quite that. It was, as I’d soon describe in an emotional post in a social media group of professional colleagues, an “anxiety-tainted depression mixed with ennui that I can’t kick,” along with a complete inability to concentrate. I spoke with my therapist, tweaked medication dosages, went outside daily for fresh air and sunlight, tried to force myself to do some physical activity, and even gave myself permission to mope for a few weeks. We were in a pandemic, after all, and I had already accepted in March that life would not be “normal” for at least a year or two. But I still couldn’t work, couldn’t focus, hadn’t adjusted. Shouldn’t I be used to this by now?
“Why do you think you should be used to this by now? We’re all beginners at this,” Masten told me. “This is a once in a lifetime experience. It’s expecting a lot to think we’d be managing this really well.”
It wasn’t until my social media post elicited similar responses from dozens of high-achieving, competent, impressive women I professionally admire that I realized I wasn’t in the minority. My experience was a universal and deeply human one.
An unprecedented disaster
While the phrase “adjusting to the new normal” has been repeated endlessly since March, it’s easier said than done. How do you adjust to an ever-changing situation where the “new normal” is indefinite uncertainty?
“This is an unprecedented disaster for most of us that is profound in its impact on our daily lives,” says Masten. But it’s different from a hurricane or tornado where you can look outside and see the damage. The destruction is, for most people, invisible and ongoing. So many systems aren’t working as they normally do right now, which means radical shifts in work, school, and home life that almost none of us have experience with. Even those who have worked in disaster recovery or served in the military are facing a different kind of uncertainty right now.
Americans are faced with more risk than ever. Understanding how the brain navigates this new reality can build…elemental.medium.com
Life Is Now a Game of Risk. Here’s How Your Brain Is Processing It.
“I think we maybe underestimate how severe the adversity is and that people may be experiencing a normal reaction to a pretty severe and ongoing, unfolding, cascading disaster,” Masten says. “It’s important to recognize that it’s normal in a situation of great uncertainty and chronic stress to get exhausted and to feel ups and downs, to feel like you’re depleted or experience periods of burnout.”
Research on disaster and trauma focuses primarily on what’s helpful for people during the recovery period, but we’re not close to recovery yet. People can use their surge capacity for acute periods, but when dire circumstances drag on, Masten says, “you have to adopt a different style of coping.”
“How do you adjust to an ever-changing situation where the ‘new normal’ is indefinite uncertainty?”
Understanding ambiguous loss
It’s not surprising that, as a lifelong overachiever, I’ve felt particularly despondent and adrift as the months have dragged on, says Pauline Boss, PhD, a family therapist and professor emeritus of social sciences at the University of Minnesota who specializes in “ambiguous loss.”
“It’s harder for high achievers,” she says. “The more accustomed you are to solving problems, to getting things done, to having a routine, the harder it will be on you because none of that is possible right now. You get feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, and those aren’t good.”
That’s similar to how Michael Maddaus, MD, a professor of thoracic surgery at the University of Minnesota, felt when he became addicted to prescription narcotics after undergoing several surgeries. Now recovered and a motivational speaker who promotes the idea of a “resilience bank account,” Maddaus had always been a fast-moving high achiever — until he couldn’t be.
“I realized that my personal operating system, though it had led to tremendous success, had failed me on a more personal level,” he says. “I had to figure out a different way of contending with life.”
That mindset is an especially American one, Boss says.
“Our culture is very solution-oriented, which is a good way of thinking for many things,” she says. “It’s partly responsible for getting a man on the moon and a rover on Mars and all the things we’ve done in this country that are wonderful. But it’s a very destructive way of thinking when you’re faced with a problem that has no solution, at least for a while.”
That means reckoning with what’s called ambiguous loss: any loss that’s unclear and lacks a resolution. It can be physical, such as a missing person or the loss of a limb or organ, or psychological, such as a family member with dementia or a serious addiction.
“In this case, it is a loss of a way of life, of the ability to meet up with your friends and extended family,” Boss says. “It is perhaps a loss of trust in our government. It’s the loss of our freedom to move about in our daily life as we used to.” It’s also the loss of high-quality education, or the overall educational experience we’re used to, given school closures, modified openings and virtual schooling. It’s the loss of rituals, such weddings, graduations, and funerals, and even lesser “rituals,” such as going to gym. One of the toughest losses for me to adapt to is no longer doing my research and writing in coffee shops as I’ve done for most of my life, dating back to junior high.
“These were all things we were attached to and fond of, and they’re gone right now, so the loss is ambiguous. It’s not a death, but it’s a major, major loss,” says Boss. “What we used to have has been taken away from us.”
Just as painful are losses that may result from the intersection of the pandemic and the already tense political division in the country. For many people, issues related to Covid-19 have become the last straw in ending relationships, whether it’s a family member refusing to wear a mask, a friend promoting the latest conspiracy theory, or a co-worker insisting Covid-19 deaths are exaggerated.
Ambiguous loss elicits the same experiences of grief as a more tangible loss — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — but managing it often requires a bit of creativity.
A winding, uncharted path to coping in a pandemic
While there isn’t a handbook for functioning during a pandemic, Masten, Boss, and Maddaus offered some wisdom for meandering our way through this.
Accept that life is different right now
Maddaus’ approach involves radical acceptance. “It’s a shitty time, it’s hard,” he says. “You have to accept that in your bones and be okay with this as a tough day, with ‘that’s the way it is,’ and accept that as a baseline.”
But that acceptance doesn’t mean giving up, he says. It means not resisting or fighting reality so that you can apply your energy elsewhere. “It allows you to step into a more spacious mental space that allows you to do things that are constructive instead of being mired in a state of psychological self torment.”
Expect less from yourself
Most of us have heard for most of our lives to expect more from ourselves in some way or another. Now we must give ourselves permission to do the opposite. “We have to expect less of ourselves, and we have to replenish more,” Masten says. “I think we’re in a period of a lot of self discovery: Where do I get my energy? What kind of down time do I need? That’s all shifted right now, and it may take some reflection and self discovery to find out what rhythms of life do I need right now?”
She says people are having to live their lives without the support of so many systems that have partly or fully broken down, whether it’s schools, hospitals, churches, family support, or other systems that we relied on. We need to recognize that we’re grieving multiple losses while managing the ongoing impact of trauma and uncertainty. The malaise so many of us feel, a sort of disinterested boredom, is common in research on burnout, Masten says. But other emotions accompany it: disappointment, anger, grief, sadness, exhaustion, stress, fear, anxiety — and no one can function at full capacity with all that going on.
Recognize the different aspects of grief
The familiar “stages” of grief don’t actually occur in linear stages, Boss says, but denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are all major concepts in facing loss. Plenty of people are in denial: denying the virus is real, or that the numbers of cases or deaths are as high as reported, or that masks really help reduce disease transmission.
Anger is evident everywhere: anger at those in denial, anger in the race demonstrations, anger at those not physically distancing or wearing masks, and even anger at those who wear masks or require them. The bargaining, Boss says, is mostly with scientists we hope will develop a vaccine quickly. The depression is obvious, but acceptance… “I haven’t accepted any of this,” Boss says. “I don’t know about you.”
Sometimes acceptance means “saying we’re going to have a good time in spite of this,” Boss says, such as when my family drove an hour outside the city to get far enough from light pollution to look for the comet NEOWISE. But it can also mean accepting that we cannot change the situation right now.
“We can kick and scream and be angry, or we can feel the other side of it, with no motivation, difficulty focusing, lethargy,” Boss says, “or we can take the middle way and just have a couple days where you feel like doing nothing and you embrace the losses and sadness you’re feeling right now, and then the next day, do something that has an element of achievement to it.”
“Our new normal is always feeling a little off balance, like trying to stand in a dinghy on rough seas, and not knowing when the storm will pass.”
Experiment with “both-and” thinking
This approach may not work for everyone, but Boss says there’s an alternative to binary thinking that many people find helpful in dealing with ambiguous loss. She calls it “both-and” thinking, and sometimes it means embracing a bit of the irrational.
For the families of soldiers missing in action in Vietnam that Boss studied early in her career, or the family members of victims of plane crashes where the bodies aren’t recovered, this type of thinking means thinking: “He is both living and maybe not. She is probably dead but maybe not.”
“If you stay in the rational when nothing else is rational, like right now, then you’ll just stress yourself more,” she says. “What I say with ambiguous loss is the situation is crazy, not the person. The situation is pathological, not the person.”
An analogous approach during the pandemic might be, “This is terrible and many people are dying, and this is also a time for our families to come closer together,” Boss says. On a more personal level, “I’m highly competent, and right now I’m flowing with the tide day-to-day.”
It’s a bit of a Schrödinger’s existence, but when you can’t change the situation, “the only thing you can change is your perception of it,” she says.
Of course, that doesn’t mean denying the existence of the pandemic or the coronavirus. As Maddaus says, “You have to face reality.” But how we frame that reality mentally can help us cope with it.
Look for activities, new and old, that continue to fulfill you
Lots of coping advice has focused on “self-care,” but one of the frustrating ironies of the pandemic is that so many of our self-care activities have also been taken away: pedicures, massages, coffee with friends, a visit to the amusement park, a kickboxing class, swimming in the local pool — these activities remain unsafe in much of the country. So we have to get creative with self-care when we’re least motivated to get creative.
“When we’re forced to rethink our options and broaden out what we think of as self-care, sometimes that constraint opens new ways of living and thinking,” Masten says. “We don’t have a lot of control over the global pandemic but we do over our daily lives. You can focus on plans for the future and what’s meaningful in life.”
For me, since I missed eating in restaurants and was tired of our same old dinners, I began subscribing to a meal-kit service. I hate cooking, but the meal kits were easy, and I was motivated by the chance to eat something that tasted more like what I’d order in a restaurant without having to invest energy in looking through recipes or ordering the right ingredients.
Okay, I’ve also been playing a lot of Animal Crossing, but Maddaus explains why it makes sense that creative activities like cooking, gardening, painting, house projects — or even building your own imaginary island out of pixels — can be fulfilling right now. He references the book The Molecule of More, which explores how dopamine influences our experiences and happiness, in describing the types of activities most likely to bring us joy.
“There are two ways the brain deals with the world: the future and things we need to go after, and the here and now, seeing things and touching things,” Maddaus says. “Rather than being at the mercy of what’s going on, we can use the elements of our natural reward system and construct things to do that are good no matter what.”
Those kinds of activities have a planning element and a here-and-now experience element. For Maddaus, for example, it was simply replacing all the showerheads and lightbulbs in the house. “It’s a silly thing, but it made me feel good,” he says.
Focus on maintaining and strengthening important relationships
The biggest protective factors for facing adversity and building resilience are social support and remaining connected to people, Masten says. That includes helping others, even when we’re feeling depleted ourselves.
“Helping others is one of those win-win strategies of taking action because we’re all feeling a sense of helplessness and loss of control about what’s going on with this pandemic, but when you take action with other people, you can control what you’re doing,” she says. Helping others could include checking in on family friends or buying groceries for an elderly neighbor.
Begin slowly building your resilience bank account
Maddaus’ idea of a resilience bank account is gradually building into your life regular practices that promote resilience and provide a fallback when life gets tough. Though it would obviously be nice to have a fat account already, he says it’s never too late to start. The areas he specifically advocates focusing on are sleep, nutrition, exercise, meditation, self-compassion, gratitude, connection, and saying no.
“Start really small and work your way up,” he says. “If you do a little bit every day, it starts to add up and you get momentum, and even if you miss a day, then start again. We have to be gentle with ourselves and keep on, begin again.”
After spending an hour on the phone with each of these experts, I felt refreshed and inspired. I can do this! I was excited about writing this article and sharing what I’d learned.
And then it took me two weeks to start the article and another week to finish it — even though I wanted to write it. But now, I could cut myself a little more slack for taking so much longer than I might have a few months ago. I might have intellectually accepted back in March that the next two years (or more?) are going to be nothing like normal, and not even predictable in how they won’t be normal. But cognitively recognizing and accepting that fact and emotionally incorporating that reality into everyday life aren’t the same. Our new normal is always feeling a little off balance, like trying to stand in a dinghy on rough seas, and not knowing when the storm will pass. But humans can get better at anything with practice, so at least I now have some ideas for working on my sea legs.
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sciencespies · 3 years
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New Zealand survey reveals the positive aspects of the country's strict lockdown
https://sciencespies.com/humans/new-zealand-survey-reveals-the-positive-aspects-of-the-countrys-strict-lockdown/
New Zealand survey reveals the positive aspects of the country's strict lockdown
It’s easy to focus on all the negatives amid a traumatic global pandemic, but there are some positives, too.
A new online survey has found the psychological outcomes of New Zealand’s super strict lockdown were not all bad.
The study mirrors other mental health studies on COVID-19 in New Zealand, which had one of the most stringent lockdowns in the world. Instead of asking questions about loneliness, depression, and drug use, researchers wanted to know whether participants experienced any positive aspects during the stage 4 lockdown last April.
Of the 2,010 participants surveyed, nearly half reported experiencing a personal silver lining, and over a third said they’d experienced a silver lining for society as a whole.
“Lockdown represented a major flashpoint in people’s lives and created an opportunity to stop, take stock, and to reflect and connect with others,” says psychologist Matthew Jenkins from Otago University in New Zealand. 
“Many people reported that kindness and helping behaviors became more common over this period.”
It’s still unclear exactly what long-term effects this traumatic experience will have on people’s lives going forward, but at least in the moment, it seems there was some amount of post-traumatic growth occurring at the same time as post-traumatic stress.
A public survey conducted halfway through New Zealand’s stage 4 lockdown found levels of stress, anxiety, and depression rose higher than normal, especially among younger people. 
Whether or not this was due to the lockdown itself or the wider threat of COVID-19 remains unclear. However, one of the first longitudinal studies on the mental toll of the pandemic found social distancing measures and mask mandates were associated with a greater sense of positive mental health. 
Letting people take control of their lives and aid others appeared to help relieve some of the stress they felt, while a loss of social support was the strongest and most consistent predictor of anxiety and depression.
The most recent survey in New Zealand found something similarly hopeful about locking down. While isolation measures kept the public away from each other physically, many participants described “an old fashioned sense of community and caring… that was not apparent before lockdown.” 
This enhanced community spirit appears born from the very trauma of the pandemic itself. Suddenly, it seems, people became far more aware of those around them and their place in the world. This increased feeling of social connectedness may have even helped them cope with the unusual times they were living in.
A recent study in Turkey, for instance, found a sense of belonging was associated with greater psychological well-being among students during the pandemic.
Even above simply surviving, people were also finding ways to thrive in these strange times. In the survey, many said they took the time to personally reflect on their values and future so they could “decide what is really important.”
Just over 30 percent of respondents reported feeling a greater sense of perceived agency, setting their own hours for work or exercising more. “I can stay at home and pursue the hobbies I enjoy,” one respondent explained.
During lockdown, people generally valued materialism less – “not wasting money on stuff one wants rather than what one needs” – and cherished family and friend time more than ever. 
In fact, more than half the respondents said they were grateful for their new social interactions and a renewed sense of community cohesion. Some even said they had received grateful comments from older adults in their community who thought they had been forgotten.
“Because of the social distancing measures in place, technology became a major way for people to connect socially and for work via online services such as video conferencing,” says Jenkins. 
“One participant reported they ‘got to speak with my Dad, who lives overseas, daily’ while another joined a global online knitting group to maintain social interactions.” 
A clear and effective response from the government is obviously key in this. Many participants in the New Zealand survey said they were happy to comply with government restrictions because it made them feel like they were doing their bit for their community. 
These sacrifices made some individuals feel like they were contributing to the greater good, helping to keep vulnerable members of the community as safe as possible. 
“This reasoning highlights the crucial role of clear government messaging,” the authors write. 
“The New Zealand government provided daily updates on case numbers, recoveries, and testing; the high transparency received international recognition.”
By keeping the public abreast of the pandemic’s reality and what individuals could do to help, the New Zealand government appears to have bestowed a strong sense of agency and, therefore, high compliance for pandemic rules among its citizens.  
The public understood the lockdown rationale and what it would take to contain the virus. As one respondent put it: “I believe the level 4 lockdown has helped the country keep the virus under control.”
In May of last year, after a successful lockdown, the prime minister thanked her ‘team of five million‘ for all their hard work in eliminating the virus. 
This gave New Zealanders a renewed sense of national unity and pride, which one respondent said they were honored to be a part of. “[W]e may be a small country,” they said, “but we are doing an amazing job.” 
Such silver linings might not hold for other countries, especially those that have not enforced strict lockdown measures to contain or eliminate the spread of the novel coronavirus. That said, the authors hope these results will help reveal how governments and mental health practitioners can help the public cope during prolonged and stressful events like the current pandemic.
“Our findings show that in a time of turmoil, unrest and psychological distress, many people nonetheless found silver linings,” the authors conclude. 
“We also speculate that, despite the impact of the lockdown, many people had their psychological needs for social connectedness and autonomy met, and these were likely to have influenced compliance with lockdown measures.”
The study was published in PLOS ONE.
#Humans
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olgagarmash · 3 years
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US health agency will invest $1 billion to investigate ‘long COVID’ – Nature.com
NEWS
04 March 2021
The National Institutes of Health will fund researchers to track people’s recovery, and will host a biospecimen bank.
Nidhi Subbaraman
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US National Institutes of Health director Francis Collins has announced an initiative to study the effects of COVID-19 that can last for weeks or months.Credit: Saul Loeb/CNP via Zuma Wire
The United States has announced that it will spend big on research into ‘long COVID’ — the long-lasting health effects of a SARS-CoV-2 infection. The funding comes as the scientific community is just starting to recognize the impact of the condition and unravel why it occurs. On 23 February, the US National Institutes of Health (NIH) announced an initiative worth US$1.15 billion over four years to fund investigations of the condition, and listed some first priorities.
Symptoms of long COVID are wide-ranging and include fatigue, fevers and shortness of breath, as well as neurological conditions such as anxiety and depression, and an inability to concentrate. They can appear weeks after a SARS-CoV-2 infection and linger for months. The NIH has begun referring to the collection of after-effects as post-acute sequelae of SARS-CoV-2 infection, or PASC.
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Some of the NIH PASC Initiative’s main goals are to better understand the biological basis of PASC, and what makes some people more vulnerable to the condition than others — with a view towards eventually finding treatments.
“We do not know yet the magnitude of the problem, but given the number of individuals of all ages who have been or will be infected with SARS-CoV-2, the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, the public health impact could be profound,” NIH director Francis Collins said in a statement announcing the effort. A study1 of 177 people published last month determined that 9 months after infection with SARS-CoV-2, one-third of them were still reporting symptoms such as fatigue. This shows that with more than 115 million COVID-19 infections worldwide so far, the number of people with PASC could be massive.
“Other than the general consensus that the phenomenon is real, all we really know are the questions,” says Steven Deeks, a physician and infectious-disease researcher at the University of California, San Francisco, who is leading a project to study people with long-lasting effects from COVID-19.
A fuller picture
One of the first projects the NIH has said it will fund is a recovery-tracking effort. Investigators will collaborate to record the recovery paths of at least 40,000 adults and children with SARS-CoV-2 in a ‘metacohort’, to observe who develops long-term effects and who doesn’t. The metacohort will cover people of all ages, including pregnant people, to help researchers pin down the range of effects that people experience while recovering from an infection.
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Such long-term tracking is necessary to gain a fuller picture of the phenomenon, says Carlos del Rio, an epidemiologist and infectious-disease physician at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia, who has called for lengthy longitudinal studies to improve understanding of the disease2.
A separate project will record the effects of COVID-19 on various organ systems by collecting evidence from autopsies. This type of analysis has so far indicated that the disease can destroy tissue in the lungs, as well as other organs — but researchers would like more detailed information. In another effort, the NIH will host a bank of biospecimens such as blood, urine, faeces and cerebrospinal fluid from people with PASC; researchers will be able to access the samples to inform future studies.
Patient perspectives
People who have experienced COVID-19 and its long-term aftermath, including some researchers, have mobilized to argue that better attention should be paid to post-COVID effects.
Such groups are worried about whether and how researchers will take their experience into consideration, says Shobita Parthasarathy, director of the science, technology and policy programme at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. “There is a concern among patients that their experience and knowledge won’t be taken seriously — that in the process of becoming a scientific inquiry, their experiences will not be used to guide the understanding of the condition.”
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“It’s a confusing and difficult illness to describe if you haven’t had it,” says Hannah Davis, who is one of the leaders of Patient Led Research For COVID-19, an international group of researchers and advocates who themselves have long COVID. “I think that working with patients will facilitate understanding of long COVID much more quickly.” The NIH’s name for the condition, PASC, is more accurate than some others that researchers have proposed, says Davis, but it is a departure from ‘long COVID’, the name that people with the condition have themselves settled on.
So far, the NIH has received $3.6 billion from the US Congress to fund COVID-19-related work and research, in addition to the $1.15 billion for studies of PASC .
In February, the UK National Institute for Health Research announced it was investing £18.5 million (US$25.9 million) to fund four studies of long COVID.
“It is of course impossible to truly understand the long-term consequences of a disease that did not exist a year ago,” says Deeks. “We are doing our best, but this will take time.”
References
1.
Logue, J. K. et al. JAMA Netw. Open 4, e210830 (2021).
2.
Del Rio, C., Collins, L. F. & Malani, P. J. Am. Med. Assoc. 324, 1723–1724 (2020).
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