#and i'm only girl-adjacent in a very gremlin sort of way | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aeide-thea · 2 years

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on the one hand my body is the body i have and good in many ways both safely normative and satisfyingly non-normative

on the other hand i sure did just fall down an internet rabbit hole and find myself on a gay cis guy's instagram looking at pix of his very beautiful boyfriend and having, like, thigh hair envy, in this very inchoate way where like. what do i even want there. do i want my actual personal thighs to be fuzzier. is this another one of those unreasonable 'gender avatar i'm asking us all to collectively imagine for me' things. unclear. why identify a desire when instead i could just. Yearn in a totally unfulfillable bc undefinable way

#hell psyche #like. unfortunately my gender identity IS basically 'alienated' which like. is not serving me well wrt like. positivity #(lotta hole jokes we could all make here though‚ does that count)#like i'm not a boy except in a‚ like‚ keats or hopkins or auden sort of way #and i'm only girl-adjacent in a very gremlin sort of way #and good god am i not a Woman despite aging—really the aging is just making me *more* resistant on that point #anyway like. ultimately of course it's fine to just ~live the question~ or whatever but. idk #just had a moment in the wee hours like 'literally cannot imagine someone being in love with me' and was like. weirdly devastated abt it #even though like. what the fuck would i do with that anyway. input not valid.#but just like. how 2 imagine self as creature worthy of—anything really.#how 2 imagine self at all.#ANYWAY sry not to have gotten my nightblogging in earlier‚ yikes #lately it's just like. you can't pull on any thread without finding yr dredging up a whole clump of slimy sodden drain hair #embodiment (is violence)#what is gender we just don’t know #feelingsblogging #don't want 2 be dead but don't know how 2 be alive either. (nothing new just par 4 the course)#anyway.

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