#and i made a comment something along the lines of 'blegh i don't want to go visit my family and blah blah blah and have people that i don't
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i think i maybe fucked up a relationship.
#aghhhhhhhhhgejsd#okay so#one of my friends (and the one i had/have feelings for) is a really physically affectionate person right?#and we had just started getting close enough that i think she was finally comfortable to be like that#so when we would watch movies on her couch she'd be laying on me#or she'd kiss the top of my forehead#or hold my hand#etc etc#but on halloween we were chilling playing warhammer right? and i was going to visit family the following weekend and wasn't looking forward#to it#and i made a comment something along the lines of 'blegh i don't want to go visit my family and blah blah blah and have people that i don't#want touching me automatically ASSUMING that it's okay to touch me'#and her face just DROPPED and she immediately was like 'oh my god i'm so sorry sometimes i forget that other people aren't okay with#being touched i'm so so sorry if you want me to stop or you're ever uncomfortable with it just please tell me-'#and to be clear: i do not mind if she touches me!! i am incredibly touch starved!! i crave physical contact but i'm afraid to initiate it!!#and so i go 'oh my god no no no that's not at all what i mean i meant that i don't want family members touching me i promise i don't mind#when you do' and she looks really hesitant and is pretty much just like okayyyyy but you promise you really mean that and aren't just sayin#g it?#and it all seemed to be resolved but when we've been together since it's seemed like she's been really hesitant to touch me at all#and it's been so awkward since and i don't know why#i want to say something because i feel like it's my fault but i don't want to bring it up because what if it has nothing to do with that?#and i don't know how to initiate touch other than like. headbutting someone's arm which is NOT the same#and aghhhhhhh i fucked up i fucked up so bad#i love her so much she's one of my closest friends and i want her to know that i really don't mind but i feel like i'm losing her :(#i really do not know what to do#agh.#tw vent in tags#vent
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