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#and how i viewed myself etc etc etc
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There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.
#I think also because I'm a very nostalgic person - THOUGH not in the way that somep poeple mean when they say nostalgia because I've realiz#ed that to some people apparently it means like.. more of a sad emotional thing? Or when I talk about being nostalgic they say 'me too' and#then describe how they're always depressed dwelling on the past wishing they could revisit it and replaying it and feeling sad and etc.#Whereas for me - it's not in a deep or emotional way at all. It's very detached - kind of like someone who is doing like a scientific#cataloguing of something? I don't feel any remorse or sadness or longing or sitting there sobbing for hours over people/pets I've lost or#etc. It's more like a fun contemplative excercise and extension of self analysis plus just documentation. Like I know your memory fades as#you get older OR even as stuff is actively ongoing humans have terrible recall - even the ones who are less emotional/more focused on#accuracy our minds still twist things or etc. SO I looove to have documentations of everything possible so that in the future I will have#as full and complete of a view of myself as I possibly can. sure the image will undoubtedly be a little distorted but having real evidence#of how something was at a time is very valuable. You look through old messages or letters or something and you always find other alternate#versions of yourself. Not in a worse way like inherently inferior Previous Models Of You who haven't yet been perfected but even just in a#neutral way like 'what they're saying is not a BAd thing but also is not how I would say that today.' etc. ANYWAY I find it really interest#ing to document and remember things and love revisiting the past - not in a sad way - but just like. curiosity. reminiscing and recalling#and filling in gaps. or trying to have the same feeling I felt at a previous time so I can remember what it was. Collecting information for#documentation purposes. Like for example - I would love to go back and tour all of my old childhood houses/apartments. Not to like#sit in the middleof them and cry and go 'ohhh my childhood waughhh' - but literally because I want to take detailed photographs so I#can remeber exatly what they looked like and recreate them in sims or some other digital way. Why? idk. just to gather the information. If#I ever live to like 80 years old and I'm still reflecting on my life curious about the dteails of it. I want to be able to fire up my#ancient windows 10 laptop I've kept all these years and open up the sims 4 and tour my old home with accuracy etc. ??#Not sure why really. Maybe an extension of how I generally care a lot about having an 'accurate' view of things? Like I would rather be#accurate than be happy. I don't understand 'ignorance is bliss' because I would always rather know. I always always in any situation am mor#focused on 'what is the well researched practical truth' than about 'how does this make me feel' or etc. Truth above ALL else even if it#were to make me miserable. Aka why I'm a 'boring' 'annoying' 'UM actually..' type of killjoy lol because it's very hard for me to understan#that some people can enjoy something or have a good time even not knowing the full facts of a situation or etc. BUT anyway. since that is#some core driver of my personality for whatever reason (just the plague of ennegram type 5 perhaps lol) maybe that also drives me to my#kind of minor obsession with like 'I must have a complete view and calatoguing of my life that is as accurate as possible within the means#i have' . Is it REALLY important for me to know the exact layout of on of my first childhood bedrooms? no. materially it does nothing for m#in life. BUT hey. it would make a great addition to the Accurate Life Story Catalogue lol. ANYWAY.. But I think a lot of wanting to live in#one place forever is not just the ease of documentation. but the sense of having a constant. Much of what i crave most in life is stability#& familiarity &routine bc of how my brain works. And it just would feel so good to be Settled. Never uproot again. One little place FOREVER
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fearcicada · 1 year
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I am technically aroace but it's like I feel like being ace is so much less important to me and a much smaller aspect of who I am than being aro so I like. Never think about it. Being ace is like ok whatever I'm not attracted to people but being aro is like (the way I view humanity and relationships has been fundamentally altered in every which way and affects how I see the whole world)
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grapecaseschoices · 1 year
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I would love to hear some insight on what your oc creation process looks like. They're so detailed. I love all of the ones I've read about so far and they're all so fleshed out! I just use the same three ocs and slightly change their backstory lmao. You're so good at coming up with the character designs, theyre all chefs kiss. 🤩🤌
Ten days later and I still don't have a response for you anon. After I got over the SHOCK of this wonderfully beautiful compliment, I have been fluctuated between being stuck at work and pondering an answer to this. And I don't think I have a good enough answer for you. Nothing wise or cohesive.
However, leaving that at that doesn't suffice. So, I'm going to try.
I think I've mentioned on here that in the past, I used to use things like zodiac, MBTI, and Enneagram as a baseline. Especially when I first started (actually when I first started, I created self-inserts and let them run wild but that was there early on), I would look at the traits of their Sun Sign (then I discovered moon and rising signs too and added those as well) then apply them to my OC. But it wasn't just from one website, I'd scourge different sites and read the summaries too. I started with the stereotypes and then began reading forums for the people who believed in zodiac but didn't fit fully what they were born under. I researched characters that were born under the sign as my own, and compared and contrasted. (I did the same when I was into MBTI and Enneagram, which allowed for more variation from the norm.)
I complied docs and lists. I took quizzes, etc. I was way too serious about it. But certainly opened me to a lot of adjectives for descriptors as well as the perspective of how people viewed themselves/viewed others, I think.
Another thing I did is I would take bits and pieces of my favorite (and not so favorite) characters and just .... cannabilize them. LOL. For a lack of better word. Make my Frankenstein. This tends to help me a lot when I struggle with 'voice'. Particularly if the character is one from a show or film or podcast. Because for me, at least, it helps me visualize cadence.
Once you have character traits, interests, etc knocked out, I also feel it's important to consider background and desire. Where are they from? Where is their family from? Where have they been? Where are they going? And, of course, what do they want? That last isn't always easy but even the most vague idea or simpliest of goals as well as themes can be helpful.
Kendis: To go to X-TOWN to find out what their brother is up to; to be independent, to become a doctor.
Mason: To head back home.
Andy: To protect and observe.
These are three (of a few) characters that I played in an RP. The details of the goal both specifically to them and the game helped in guiding which character I focused more on (lmao Kendis), but each character's desires gained them plot and gave me something something to fall back on when I felt stuck on what to do with them.
I'm sure there is more stuff but I'm tired. lol. The brain wanes.
I just wanted to say your characters are probably more fleshed out than you give yourself credit. Goodness knows I don't see my babies as "detailed" (so thanks again for continously making my day with that). But I think one of the best ways to make them grow - outside of tinkering on their personality - is to PUT THEM IN SITUATIONS! Whether it's in rp, an if, or headcanons. Challenge them -- see how they are when they're at ease, see how they when they're angry, see how the are when there are stakes, etc.
I bet you'll surprise yourself with what you come up with and what comes out on the other side! Hope this helps <3
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e-v-n-z-a · 7 months
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Firstly, when you get this, you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. Then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)
oh dear lord
ughhhhh, well:
1. i like my taste in music ig? lol, an obvious answer, but seriously. i'm especially proud of how in the recent couple of years i've been trying to listen to more new (for me) music, instead of listening to the same couple of artists over and over again 'till i'm sick of them lmao. i still have lots and lots to discover, what i listen to is not as diverse as i would like etc. etc. but i'm getting there! no point in rushing this, it's not a competition x) (i recently stumbled upon a post from 4 years ago, where i was asked to list my 9 favorite albums, and... let's say there's been a lot of improvement, that list is vile lmaoo)
2. feels kinda douchey to admit this, but i like my art. it's not perfect obviously, and i have a lot yet to learn, but i enjoy what i'm able to create. there is a lot of frustration from time to time, of course, but i wouldn't do it if i didn't enjoy it, would i?
3. i think i'm a pretty approachable, peaceful person, sometimes too kind for my own good. i'm patient with people and don't seek confrontation. it has it's own downsides sometimes, because i'm also a huge people pleaser, but i'm working on finding a good balance between kindness and knowing when to tell someone to fuck off lol
4. running out of thoughts, hm... maybe my perfectionism? i usually hate it and it brings me a lot of frustration and anxiety, but i guess it can be a good thing sometimes, too. if someone asks me to help them out with something, i'll try to do my best? maybe that, idk
5. and as the last thing here's something a lil bit more vain: i like my body :} i might be not so happy about my face from time to time (though i like it more often nowadays than not. we're stuck together forever so it's not like there's any choice but to learn to appreciate it for what it is lol), but at least i'm happy with my physique!
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dan-crimes · 7 months
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The world isn't ready for all my amazing and wonderful takes on media but maybe my OCs will make them understand...
#I have a whole Thing where just#I get misunderstood a lot there's only a handful of people who get me and even still there's this air of mystery#which tbf idk how my brain even works sometimes it just has a mind of it's own#anyway I do want people to be able to understand me PURELY bcuz the people who misunderstand me are like#actively annoying about it or straight up malicious and I mean I don't expect them to really ever understand#cuz most of them aren't open to it or are too stubborn to change their mind or just past experiences cause for them to feel a certain way#or we are simply too different as people for them to get it sometimes people just aren't compatible#I just wish people didn't make it /my/ problem when /they/ don't understand me lmao#I'm simply built different 👊😌#in general I enjoy a different perspective on things and I wish other people would also view things in that way#like you don't have to understand just accept it like people Exist and they are simply like that sometime#you might never be able to fully grasp the confines of another person's brain but you can make an effort to just accept them#or at least accept that That is the way they are etc etc cuz like of someone is different than you and it's nothing bad like#¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I dunno what the fuss would be about they are simply different than you#...which is normal since everyone is unique in their own way#anyway I give some of my OCs aspects of myself that people tend to not understand so I can dive into that more#and hopefully come to soms sort of understanding or at the very least see what kinda messed up stuff people have to say abt it lmao#like if anyone does some sort of analysis abt my OCs and is just like This person is the devil in secret read between the lines#then like I know exactly how that person is and how they would act towards me as well LMAO life hax#obviously that is an exaggeration but it's prolly safe to say we would not get along#I also try to have my OCs having traits that I see very commonly in other people to see how many people can relate to that stuff#like there's a lot to it lmao I would enjoy seeing the effects of characters#like I don't just do it for other people I also do it for myself in an attempt to understand how other people work#cuz just there's some common stuff I see in people that I lack and don't have that issue#makes it hard to understand or comfort those people especially when idk what specifically they would want in that moment#I'm more of a distraction vs a comforter and all my comfort is logic based in order to ground people#bcuz idk how the person feels in that moment since it's an issue I don't have#anyway that's another reason I try and make characters like that cuz I wanna be able to better understand that stuff
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hecckyeah · 9 months
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#just feeling very. emotional about a swimsuit#this is all about body image etc so if that’s not your cup of tea just scroll along <3#so#I bought a new swimsuit today and it’s in a larger size than I’ve ever needed bc ya girl is going through some weird stuff#that’s been making me gain weight again#after I lost a ton in 2020#but anyways#I haven’t needed a new swimsuit in a while so I went conservative/practical and got a one piece#and usually. trying on anything over a women’s XL and realizing it fits#would start me panicking. a lot#but I…..didn’t???#it’s not the best#it’s kind of cheap and the chesticle area is a bit saggy and it definitely highlights things i didn’t want it to#but my reaction to the mirror wasn’t anything negative#it was just like. oh. okay#that’s a swimsuit and it’s sturdy enough so I can go tubing with my friends and it has spaghetti straps so I can tan#because honestly. who cares???#I’ve been so perceptive of the way I process how other people look that it spilled over into how I view myself#because if a girl shows up at the beach with belly rolls my first thought is. NOTHING#I don’t think about it#I don’t think hurray I don’t think yuck I just. she exists#and so do i#and I want to be healthy for my own purposes so that I’m not winded by walking a couple miles#so that I can run and enjoy it#not to look skinny#and when I tell you this is REVOLUTIONARY for me#aka it’s only changed in the last 2-3 MONTHS#idk.#I just am happy finally and it’s not gonna be easy but I think I feel better than I ever have about my appearance#call it body neutrality if you will
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mejomonster · 2 years
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i should join an ax throwing club. there’s an lgbt one in my area. im not healthy enough to be running nonstop for hours yet again. but boy can i throw hard o3o
#rant#1 i got to throw axes 2 weeks ago and man i was so good at it#2 entirely unrelated#yall know how im nonbinary. which mostly for me means im bigender#and i feel like a guy 90% of the time but i identify with feelin like a girl at times so im nonbinary#also i just. do not care about gender for myself. except that its stupid theres ways society views u based on how u look as a stranger#real stupid if i tell someone im a guy or girl how they tend to treat me different. so like. aside from that no i dont care about gender muc#anyway it is. so funny to me in hindsight how my parents raised me in so many traditionally masculine ways (but of course#whats usual for raising a boy depends on the culture and family lol. because while its typically how u raise a boy#my family was raising ALL the girls this way so it was the expectations put on us FOR being girls)#and like. some of it was toxic masculine bullshit like no crying#no emotions. do stuff on your own. be strong. be independent. never ask for help. be successful or we punish u. u dont deserve emotional#support etc. :/#but then other stuff was like? just expectations kinda generally put on boy kids.#like oh mejos covered in dirt cause kids play outside and get messy. she played fighting outside cause all kids do. she can go fix the#fence or heater or washing machine cause 'all kids' can repair stuff. she can go fix the wiring or tv or cable. she can go put oil in the ca#car. she's got to play sports EVERY YEAR cause a lil girl HAS to play sports. shes GOT to be tough cause lil girls DONT cry#she cant complain unless she literally needs the hospital cause big girls don't cry when they get hurt. they suck it up and get over it#alone. also kind of niche stuff tho#like how boys get conditioned more often to solve problems than learn social skills (legos versus dolls). how boys tend to expect#to solve a problem when communicating. so i hear stuff and wanna go fix things. i like feeling needed. whereas usually girls#get conditioned to empathize as first response and that as 2nd. and vice versa.#in fact i only learned emotional empathy communication as a teen with friends cause ooh boy my mom communicates like a typical closed off gu#so does my dad. (tho he does try some empathy communication skills cause its how he'd try to talk to me - since he felt i should be emotiona#lly supported. but still needed to learn to fix things on my own. which was annoying. aqlways fixing everything myself -.-)#anyway just. its funny to me in retrospect how EXCEPT for the beauty/clothing standards when i hit age 10 (and sudden expectation#to smile and pleasantly give ppl things before they ask). i was otherwise entirely socialized like my dad probs was#and moms probs was. and for some reason my mom mustve gotten raised like a little boy usually does. or decided it was better for her kids#to raise them like that? like. as a result i think my sister and me and my nieces ALL got fairly masculine social skills#and hobbies and internal expectations. its just for us thats also what a 'girl' is supposed to be. so genders stupid
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britneyshakespeare · 9 months
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ok but like do i wanna know by am coming out ten years ago is craziness
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misc. daily life photos again .. for the every once in a while that I collect enough over a few months to actually make a photo set out of them lol
#Not sure how to caption every photo because you can unfortunately no longer caption photos so that text appears#under them when you view them. you can only add photo descriptions (which is more about literally describing#the image for people who can't see it or etc.). I wish they had the ability to have both captions and descriptions as both are useful for#different functions but it seems they took captions away entirely so. I guess I'll have to just number every picture and then talk about th#em in the tags or soemthing?? SO.. starting from top left to right --#image 1: blackberries BUT also if you look close.. there's a tiny little bug on them lol#image 2: little water droplets on the back of a leaf that looked cool.. love anything with tiny water orbs#image 3&4: a spiky fuzzy sort of caterpillar outside on a yardwork glove.. small friend#image 5: THIS is such a bad slogan!!! what a lie!!! I personally would LOVE to have a sandwich party! in fact I would rather attend a#sandwich party than a pizza party because it would be fun to sample a wide variety of sandwich platters with all different meats and chee#& breads & ingredients & etc. !! now I just wish I could go to a cool sandwich sampling party w a full buffet of various mini sandwiches :#image 6: a chicken sandwich I made myself at home. with swiss cheese >:3#image 7&8 : HHRGH it's a CAT and also bubble tea!!! AND is pastel teal! but alas.. it was like $20 and I didnt want to pay that but now#looking back on the photos slightly regret it lol. I think it's more because it's a brand name since the cat is some popular cat like hello#kitty or something. I didn't really notice that until later lol. I was just thinking 'OMG A CAT!'. I love all cats. brand or no brand lol#image 9: my single once a year trip to the drink place that has really nice garlic noodles. this time with beef? which was good too. And#the typical drink order of pina colada smoothie (i think it's coconut pineapple and strawberry?). plain matcha bubble tea (favorite and all#I ever get from anywhere). and a strawberry smoothie thing. I also usually get a coffee bubble tea but the place is like 50% of the time ou#of coffee for some reason so. hggh.. Which I know is like everyday food for some people but. I get food from places SO rarely that it's al#ays an event to take a picture about lol. Just cooking at home 99% of the time makes those trips for fancy food more special I guess#Id rather save the money/dont have much in the 1st place .& also am still a freak who hates using apps/dislikes shit like ubereats or etc.#I would literall NEVER get food delivered to my house under any circumstance unless I was dying alone inside on hospital bed rest with no#support system and no transportation and having food delivered to me was my last possible option. otherwise. if I want something so bad#I can just leave the house to physically pick it up myself without involving a middle man to the process and paying more. .. ANYWAY ghjgjh#image 10: BOY in BOX.. playing a new boardgame and he sits inside! rip to my big beautiful son. I miss him.#UpWords is a fun game though. It's similar to scrabble except you can stack the letters? interesting#Okay. that's all the pictures! Also for the record I do think it's a good thing to have image descriptions! I wasn't complaining in the sen#e that I wish they would get rid of them and bring captions back. more just I would like to have both preferrably. I liked being able to#caption things on the occasional post like this where the layout is better suited towards it.#photo diary
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universalsatan · 1 year
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sometimes i forget how distinctly american my mother is, and how we are generally a product of our surroundings
#personal#just found out she’s pro-military!!! and she was accusing me of being anti-military because of watching x files. like girl i am 10 episodes#into this show. i have had these views for a Long time (VERY specifically about the us military). and im just like. damn. like yeah of COURS#it’s not plastered everywhere. ‘give me some peer reviewed articles’ i would but i just cant bring myself to get the energy to get stuck in#this exhausting npd abuse loop again (sounds exaggerated but im basically falling for exacerbating the situation. which is why it’s always#hit me the hardest i guess. because she Will just straight up either not mention it ever again or just simply deny it. and i’m not exactly#educated enough on the subject to remember specific points. my memory has been destroyed BECAUSE of this kinda shit and i cant recall decent#argument points anymore. not that i even particularly want to!!! read up on all this shit!!!! oh and even realizing that she was Definitely#seeing me as an Extreme. like girl what. i forgot that npd does that#reminds me of how. she’s very liberal. she was the one who got me out of the closet in the first place (bc i wouldnt do so myself)#and yet the other day. i swear she said something that was almost terf rhetoric#FUCK i HATE that my memory has already scrambled it. fuuuuuck and here i thought my memory was coming back#but it was something along the lines of implying that men Would try to get into women’s shelters etc in a skirt or smth and i#i just stopped talking i was so shocked#god. sorry didnt mean to vent lmao but im. hhh im just Tired yknow?#mandont
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chrismcshell · 1 year
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how to play Oblivion
level up your Acrobatics or Athletics or whatever it is that helps u navigate steep inclines more easily (i hear riding a horse can also help with this but idk i prefer just running around)
climb mountains just because you can
enjoy the view.
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almondmilknosugar · 1 year
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I‘m sorry I have to
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snekdood · 1 year
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if you’re so convinced you know what happened, then kill me.
#im not gonna be the one to do it.i might self harm but yall aregonna hafta kill me bc unfortunately i cant kill myself over a lie.#nor can i kill myself to appease assholes who are short sighted and are only out for bloodl#and will only ever actually question if they were wrong when im dead.#like go fuck yourselves.#since you're so intuitive and just *know*. how aboutyou kill me with that confidence#if you just know so well#i mean you would just know so well random personwho literally wasnt in the room when it happened#oh but you can just *tell* based on my vibes huh?? right? is that your metric?#yall are horrible people. please try to see your behavior from the point of view as you being a nazi doing this to trans ppl#how in tf is your behavior literally any different when you treat ppl like this in your own fucking community.#none of yall can coalition build for shit.#have fun with your hyper left friend group of 5 who agree on everything and god forbid one guy doesnt#gotta kill him or whatever yall wanna do to people#gulags the wall etc etc#freaks#im gonna continue to hate everyone i think because im still being given 0 reasons to trust and like humans#dont worry abt me 'leaving the left' im leaving humanity#fuck yall imma go swing from trees.#infact i can feel the politics leaving my body as we speak#i think ill listen to some kid cudi and smoke weed and not think about anything for 5 hours#just do nothing at all not even speak my truth or spread awareness of things#nah its cool#whatever dawg.#nothing matters after all.#oh the worlds gonna end? sorry iwas too busy becoming dependant on marijuana and watching dumb shit on tv to notice#oh well who cares#itd be cool to do something about it. but well. you see.#not much i can do to helpanyone or the world when the worlds letting me sink in mud#idk so uhm... bye.#fuck yall.
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corpseprince · 2 years
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extremely annoying how i have a hyperspecific set of standards in my head that i not only need to match but also surpass before i consider myself "worthy" of certain friendships/relationships . best (worst) kind of self sabotage
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notanotherinfjblog · 2 years
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ESFJ teaching university
INFJ: What kind of course are you teaching this semester? What is it about?
ESFJ: Do you remember ENTP‘s class we had together before the pandemic? We wanted to conduct this experiment with the whole class, but ENTP never followed through with it. And I read up on it and found out that ENTP actually missed some aspects that should be considered in the experimental design, so now I‘m going to do it, but better and actually follow through with the experiment.
INFJ: So, you’re basically fixing ENTP’s previous mistakes, but with new students? 
ISFP: You are such a nerd.
ESFJ: The young students today missed so much due to online classes when it comes to scientific methods and INTP can‘t save all of them. I owe it to the young generation to educate them properly like INTP educated us.
ISFP: Following in her footsteps?
ESFJ: Some day, I hope so. I’m not as good as INTP yet and I’m still new to teaching.
INFJ: But you’ll get there. 
#i saw them again for the first time in over 2 years and i‘m a bit emotional#they still are the cutest couple on the planet and they made me sit between the two of them and i love them and wish i could see them more#and i love how deep all our gratitude towards our former intp professor runs cause she singlehandedly made us all who we are academically#also little anecdote: i think it's quite funny how most of the socially anxious people i know are fjs like the esfj here or me as an infj#because we're always so preoccupied with how other people perceive us and might misinterpret our words and it can be debilitating#like esfj is such a good guy like the absolute best person out there and he beats himself up about the simplest of things he did#but he's always very vocal about it like immediately afterwards when he's filled with regret over his words#and it's so adorable cause he's always so scared of accidentally hurting people which he usually isn't because we all know him#but then i look at myself also always regretting my own words out of fear of accidentally hurting people#but i'm not vocal about it i'll just play it over and over in my head scared that people were hurt and just don't say anything#and it's reminding me that it's good to come together with other people#and not just learn from each other like me learning from esfj that it's okay to vocalise my regret about my choice of words etc.#but also to learn to view myself the way i view other people that are like me and esfj in this respect#and that way realise that it's completely unnecessary to beat myself up about stuff just like it's unnecessary how they beat themselves up#i just think it's important and i need to be around people more and i know i'm rambling again i'm sorry i'll stop now have a good night#mbti#mbti conversations#esfj#isfp#infj
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failed221b-chill · 2 years
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Had a really good day today and should make note of it!!!
Realised pretty firmly that i do not want to be an archivist long term but i really appreciate the opportunity I've had to experience lots of aspects of archiving thoroughly during my internship to be able to firmly make that decision (and the pay. I appreciate being paid to experience it). But yeah. Not for me long term.
And then i got to go to an event id had to ask permission to attend, and it was one i was expecting to know quite a few people from the crowd of local history stuff i used to be immersed in and actively presenting my research to from way back in 2019 (aka the best part of my life so far)
One of my old supervisors was running the event and i hoped to mingle with old friends from the scene and network a bit, maybe put out some feelers for jobs, and then once id surprised my supervisor bc i look drastically different since 2019 bc of my haircut, he didnt even make me ask for a job, really, he had just presented an entire talk on the research that still needs doing into xyz area of local history and then when i said "hi!" he practically offered me work doing the research and introduced me to a bunch of people who might fund it and decide projects for me and vouched for my Very Good Research Skills while we were drinking champagne and eating canapes at the reception after the symposium.
So that was a fun 8 hours.
And then my supervisor was asking me about phds... and for the first time since summer 2020 the idea of doing a phd is actually appealing to me again because fuck i love research and thinking and writing and sharing my thoughts and being enthusiastic about things.
And there just arent jobs outside of academia that focus on those things in the freedom i want.
So yeah. Genuinely considering starting a phd next year. Wild. Might even be a little bit better mentally adjusted by then. Even Wilder.
Also realised i have never done official academic work while mentally okay or even stable. Undergrad was so yikes for so many reasons Very Bad. Masters was fantastic bc i was keeping myself so Very Very busy to cope with/avoid the angst of coming out to my grandparents and their immediate reactions, and then uni strikes happened and then the fuckin pandemic and of course the rest of my masters studies i was just fucked up by grief. So like. Might be nice to see how i function doing academic work when im not majorly depressed and my brain might actually work enough to let me feel happy.
Might be very fun to do a phd if i have some even halfway decent mental wellbeing.
Would be very fun to be Dr Caitlin. Would be very fun to do history research for 3 more years. Would be very fun to get to stay here and in the same research community and department.
And in the meantime some funded lil projects with my old supervisor would be a delight. So glad i went to todays event that i only found out about by chance and then realised like ohhh if i show up here i might get a job at least for a lil bit.
#💖 good things happening to caits 2022 🥳#me at the start of pandemic: i dont want to live like this for the next 3yrs. im done with being a student. no more phd for me.#yknow the whole#pandemic studying is hell but i will get there and i will finish it or whatver my tag was that tumblr wont suggest to me anymore#but the significance of that moment was acknowledging and giving myself permission to see my own self worth w/out academic identity!!#its the im actually sunshine and ive been sunshine the whole damn time and i dont need academic validation to prove that#it was a very important moment for me. but i think i might be changing my mind on the literal decision now my circumstances have changed#the symbol of me being sunshine and my worth not coming from academia remainsbut the idea of doing a phd and getting to do history research#that is an idea that is more and more appealing to me. maybe i am supposed to be a lecturer after all. or at least maybe i can try. maybe i#can enjoy the next step of doign a phd even if i end up not going through the post phd nightmare trying to find a job. mum had a v good#point that literally nowhere and no field has job security anymore so its not like im makign a stupid irrational choice to do something#with no guaranteed cushy permanent job at the end. but also im me i have lots of transferable skills. maybe I'll go into bid writing after?#maybe I'll jump careers entirely? idk. but i like the idea of doing a phd when i think about what i would be doing day in day out.#remove the awareness of how shitty academia and overworking boasting can be. theres a lot of good things about doing a phd. and. very#importantly. i do not have to change the world completely all by myself. it is in fact impossible. phd doesnt even have to be on queer hist#if i dont want to be exposed and or embroiled in discourse etc and having to navigate the tie of my personal life to work and public view#then i dont have to. i have redfic and tumblr and other fics and my irl friends and my online friends to get all my personal heart stuff#my phd research does not have to be a) intrinsically triggering like my ug diss nor b) deeply about my own personal identity like ma diss#it can in fact be about something that isnt all that personal. that definitely isnt about processing trauma. and that would be lovely.#like wow. imagine doing history that isnt inherently hurtful to me at the same time. like i already love it anyway when its hurt me so much#imagine doing history on something only minorly consequential and then helping to change the world in other practical ways instead#wow. um. mark the date. 26th july 2022 i think i decided i wanna do a phd. wont start until october 2023 probs. time to change mind lol.#i gotta speak to lots of people about this before i make this decision properly but omg its a happy one i might actually let myself do it!!
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