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#and by god i'd give all the gay up for them to be what they once were
simpxxstan · 5 months
Text
double take
pairing: prince!joshua x f.reader
genre: angst, fluff, smut, childhood friends to lovers, arranged marriage au, royalty au
summary: some lovers are star-crossed. some are destined to rise from the ashes. and some lovers are bound together by duty, but lovers nevertheless. joshua hong thinks fate is too cruel, but little does he know, that there are stars moving to keep his destiny alive.
word count: 22.7k
rating: 18+ (mdni please!) 
warning: there's a ton of angst. death of wonwoo, who is joshua's brother, in the past (not graphic), smut warnings: mentions of masturbation, vaginal penetration, nipple play. alcohol and heartbreak. wonwoo is gay. reader has some body image issues, some descriptions of a midsize body and insecurities related to that.
a/n: i poured my heart and soul into this. took me over two months to complete. i hope you enjoy this!
p.s. there are lyrics from ten songs in this fic. i hope you can find the songs! else, i can link them later if you can't find out or guess them. i'd recommend listening to them while reading their particular parts, really sets the mood.
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i. 
알잖아 우리 사이엔 말보다 더 중요한 게 있잖아 
“You know, there are more important things between us than words”
As soon as the doors open, everyone gasps in awe, looking at you with adoration, jealousy, and sentiment all at the same time. The numerous cameras flash, there are audible gasps spreading across the room, the Choir instantly starts playing the traditional music played at a wedding. The room is decked up in pink and white roses, your favourite, and there are beautiful lights decorating the entire room. The glistening white sparkles off the floor, the walls, the tiles and the decor. Your parents already have their eyes moist; your friends are smiling widely, as they stand with their bouquets ready as the bridesmaids. The entire room beams with the joy of the wedding of the century. 
And yet, he, whose attention you seek, does not even flick an eyelash. His deer eyes remain curved upward in what you know is a fake smile of endearment, his lips pursed in a false look of affection. You know he does for the cameras, he knows you know it too. You feel he doesn’t really want to be here, he knows you feel it too. You hadn’t expected him to really want this, and yet your heart had hoped against hope. But he had not proved you wrong. 
Prince Joshua wants to be anywhere but here. 
Prince Joshua wants to be with anyone but you. 
Prince Joshua wants to do anything but this farce. 
The Choir starts a new song, indicating that it is time for you to step forward towards the altar, where the priest is waiting for you. Your to-be husband is waiting for you. As your heart aches, you make your way towards him, your eyes avoiding his at all costs, while his remain fixed on you. He’s searching for something. An equal apathy towards this wedding? An equal irritation towards the partner? Any hope that you’d call this event off right now and free him for the torture? Last night you had almost been tempted to do so, thinking that at least now he would not treat you as poorly as he had been treating you for the last five months. But you know too well, you cannot give him that satisfaction. 
You’re too in your head through the rituals, hardly paying attention to what vows he makes, barely caring about the reactions of the audience, not even listening to the priest’s statements. You were spiralling, trying to avoid his gaze which was fixated on you. 
Oh god, can we get over this fast?
“Do you, Joshua Hong Jisoo, take Kim Y/N as your duly wedded wife?” 
Is this even a question? This interviewer in my dream gets dumber and dumber. Obviously, it’s a-
“Yes.”
You’re quickly snapped into focus when the answer makes you realise this is not a dream. The priest now asks you, “And do you, Kim Y/N, take Joshua Hong Jisoo as your duly wedded husband?”
This is the moment. You breathe in, breathe out. It’s a millisecond to disaster. 
“Yes, I do.”
_
Joshua had not foreseen this moment five months ago when he had been called back to his country at midnight, after an emergency call from his mother. Brain dulled with grief, thoughts about you had definitely crossed his mind, but not in this way. He had only thought of how you must be coping up with the news, given that you had been next to Wonwoo when the accident had taken his life. He wondered, if it felt like his heart was being ripped out of his body for him, how much worse was it for you. On returning to the palace, he had seen your lifeless face, staring at the night sky, a look he had never seen on your otherwise bright face. 
Living away from his family for the past 7 years meant he was not feeling the grief as actively as his parents and you, who had spent much more time with Wonwoo these few years. He knew he would have to comfort his family, but he had no idea how. How could one comfort a mother of the loss of her youngest son? How could one comfort a father from the death of the apple of his eye? How could one comfort a woman who had just lost her dearest best friend and fiance?
To any other royal offspring, these would seem the most worrisome responsibilities. However, to Joshua, who had willingly given up his throne to his younger brother, who, he was confident, would be able to rule much better, the thought of becoming the Crown Prince was the most daunting. When he had turned sixteen, his father had asked him whether he wanted to become the Crown Prince. Almost immediately he had said no, convincing him to let Wonwoo take the lead. At the age of nineteen, when Wonwoo had come of age to become the Crown Prince, Joshua had left for the States to continue his education. At the age of twenty-two, when he had returned to his homeland for a 6 months break, the longest since leaving for the States, he had realised how good his decision had been to let Wonwoo take over. Wonwoo had both skill and the youthful spirit the people of the kingdom needed. His calmer and smarter personality meant he could shoulder the responsibilities better than Joshua ever felt he could. Plus, Wonwoo was a crowd favourite, being the maknae of the Royal Family, and yet the smartest of the lot, as his parents and elder brother had tagged him affectionately. 
The public had, of course, not taken Wonwoo’s death well. They had been incredibly supportive of Wonwoo becoming the Crown Prince over Joshua (their polls on social media had been another reason Joshua had left) but now it was just augmented as the general image for Joshua was that of the Prince who had Fled. Princes had to be strong, mentally and physically. Careful, enigmatic, and visionary, like Wonwoo. Not deer-eyed, delicate, and cowardly, like Joshua.
Why should we trust anyone who ran away from his duties of being the eldest, to rule us well?
Indeed, the modern Royal Family had stepped past the norms of age hierarchy, but the mathyung usually took up the reins of royal duty. Instead, Joshua had effectively fled from his duties, not just stepped down and aside. He had been away from his country for a solid 7 years, how would he ever know what the people needed? They strongly protested against Joshua becoming the Crown Prince now, but there were no other progeny left to take up the responsibility.
Needless to say, the entire country was mourning the loss of Wonwoo desperately, albeit for different reasons.  
Joshua had soon realised that he had no time to grieve. As soon as the funeral was over, he had to get to work. But how would he survive in this earthquake shaking up his life? 
The first step was getting up-to-date with everything that had happened in the country when he was away. Some of it, he knew. Learning the rest was not a tough task. After dropping out of the PhD program he was pursuing in the USA, he had ample free time in his hand to learn every new fact his advisors fed him. 
The second step was understanding how royalty worked. Having stepped down from his duties as a teenager meant he had never received training per se. He had to relearn traditional etiquette he had forgotten, familiarise himself with the advisors and royal support system, and thoroughly practise his new duties.
The third step, of course, was making himself popular and loved among the public. The PR team had come up with a long list of actions he should consider to improve his public image. His parents had rejected many of them as unnecessary, and said, "There's only one thing to be done. Marry Y/N."
Joshua had looked at his own parents incredulously. How could they suggest such a step? 
When you all were children, he had considered you nothing more than a playmate. An interesting woman, intelligent, witty and warm, a rare combination, he had realised, as he had made acquaintances with more and more people. Of course, you were always closer to Wonwoo. Joshua had known you would end up marrying each other. Everyone had already planned out your wedding with Wonwoo before you had even turned thirteen. Hence your engagement with the Crown Prince last year, had come as no shock to anyone. 
Over the years he had come to consider you as a friend. One he met only during summer breaks, always by the side of his little brother. Lately, he had tried to think of you as a sister-in-law. It was funny that he hadn't thought of you as that sooner. He had anticipated the engagement anyway. 
"I'm sorry, that's not a possibility I want to consider."
"Why?" Your father had asked you.
"She's my sister-in-law. My little brother's intended. This would be the worst way to take his place."
"Jisoo-"
"No. If you want me to marry someone, I'll be ready for whoever you choose fit. Just not Y/N."
And yet here he was. Swearing his wedding vows to you. Destiny had really done him dirty.
_
If you had thought the wedding was a trial, the wedding ball was like the guillotine. Under the attention of at least three million people and a million more cameras, your cheekbones ached from putting up the fake smile. Joshua was nearly always at your side, making small talk with the numerous people who had come to wish you congratulations, ranging from the common people to the elite crowds. His body was inexplicably close to yours, but never touching. You could smell his perfume, but never hear his breathing. You could see his smiles, but never feel the warmth. 
You knew why he was marrying you. The country needed a royal leader who knew them and related with them. Joshua was a westernised man, who forgot to bow on most occasions, forgot to speak formally sometimes, forgot even the most difficult letters of the Hangul script sometimes. You were the perfect mix to satisfy that gap- the daughter of the royal counsel, not even the offspring of a royal clan, educated in Hangul history by your own choice, and a close friend of the Princes. You were well aware that your engagement with Wonwoo had been immensely popular- the result being that you had already become the official face and honorary member for many societies and organisations of the kingdom. 
And now that Wonwoo was gone, but obviously, you had been requested by the King and the Queen to marry Joshua. 
And you had taken it in your stride. It was another responsibility for you to fulfil towards your people, who you had become quite affectionate towards since becoming the Crown Prince's fiance; towards your parents, who had dreamt of you becoming Princess since you had developed a friendship with the young Prince; and towards Wonwoo, who you knew had wanted this match since your first Spring Dance, when both of you had guessed each other's secrets a little too accurately. 
You knew Joshua would never love you. And frankly speaking, you hadn’t expected love in this kind of setup. Even when agreeing to marry Wonwoo, you had zero romantic feelings for him, only seeing him as your best friend. And when your best friend asks you to rule the kingdom at his side, to be his companion in the tough times, to be his closest person forever, how could you ever say no?
And so, you had agreed to this arrangement with Joshua. You had imagined that he would be equally practical as you, and see this as a familial duty he had to complete. You had imagined he would at least be courteous, friendly and civil with you.
But you were, oh, so wrong. He had been anything but civil with you these five odd months. 
_
If the wedding had been disappointing, then the dance after the wedding was … just sad. As Joshua stepped closer to you, his aura radiating with the white suit he had donned for this day, he could feel your breath heavy on your face. Free from the burden of conversation (usually, ladies would keep pestering him with questions and sad, unsuccessful, forceful attempts at flirting with him). He remembered hearing from the dressmaker how you had fussed about each detail of the dress, but Joshua had no doubt, every version would’ve looked good on you. And all that fuss had definitely paid off: the sweetheart neckline showed off your collarbones beautifully. Your neck was empty save one diamond pendant (which the royal family had gifted to you on your eighteenth birthday, how sweet of you to wear this memory on this special day). There were tiny flowers in your hair, bright yellows against the dark brown. Then there were your cherry lips-
“Joshua.” He sees those lips mould themselves into his name first, and then hears them (light did travel faster than sound). “Hmm?” He whispers back, his voice gravelly from the fake laughs he had to laugh through the day. “I think I just… sprained my ankle.”
It doesn’t register in his mind at first. 
A millisecond later, you’re suddenly tripping and wincing, and it hits him. His first instinct is to pick you up in his arms and take you away from the room, afraid that if you have to walk your injury may worsen. His second instinct is to signal to your aide from the corner of the huge hall. His third instinct is to drop the hand from your shoulder and call out loudly for help. 
But he follows his first instinct. Picks you up, in the bridal style the audience had been waiting to see all day. There are swoons and gasps all around, but the most surprising reaction is from you. He half expects you to thrash him, or even screech out. But you only gasp and quickly start saying something, in a low tone that he can’t properly catch, so heavy- why’re you doing this- Joshua- put me down- I’m okay- just- ugh!- argh!- Joshua please. He tunes your voice out, breathy and desperate. He tunes out the noises in the hall. He tunes out his assistants and bodyguard stepping closer to you both, trying to understand the emergency. He just focuses on you. 
Your mouth spelling out different words, your eyes widening in surprise, your cheeks becoming red with embarrassment. The way you keep protesting and yet your hands clutch his shoulders. The way your dress rides up to reveal the culprit ankle. The way your hair moves when he walks towards the door, and straight up the stairs, time passing painfully fast, and yet slow enough for him to truly feel close to you for the first time, on this day which is meant to be so special to both of you. 
But when he reaches your room, he gently brings you down to the floor, your aide already by his side. “What has happened, Your Highness?” “Y/N seems to have sprained her ankle,” Joshua says as he leans you against the sofa, carefully stepping back, allowing your maids to gather around you like fireflies. 
“I just… I don’t usually wear such high heels… I’m not used to them. So while I was dancing-” He can see your face flush, your eyes blinking rapidly, gulping after every word, and avoiding his eye. He almost smiles endearingly, at your little movements. But he dares not, lest you think he’s mocking you. 
“You don’t have to explain Y/N. It’s natural. Jiyoung, please do not let the Royal Princess wear high heels again,” he addresses your aide. 
“Can you speak to the guests? I’ll be down as soon as possible, Joshua.”
“Y/N, can you not fret? Come down when you can. And I’d honestly feel better if you didn’t come down, and instead took rest. It’s anyway been a long day for you.” 
And he leaves the room, his long suit flowing behind him, as he puts on his best smile for the worried guests waiting downstairs, ignoring the immense urge to go back to your room, remove those bloody heels and take your delicate foot in his hands, to see exactly what was paining you. 
_
To say that you were surprised would be an understatement. Uneasy. Skittish. Shocked. Your heart pounding in your chest. The absence of the warmth of his touch. The ghost of concern in his eyes when he had carried you through the hall. 
Oh, how shameful. 
As a woman of public presence, you had never cared about your image, nor your appearance. You knew the rumours about your weight, how your broad shoulders were just like Wonwoo, just like any man, how your hips looked like you’d given birth three times over, how you were utterly unfitting for the beauty standards of the kingdom. But you could care less about these statements- you simply had no time for beauty, and no value for looks. 
And yet when Joshua had picked you up, quite effortlessly, if you may add, your heart had skipped a beat, your brain a neuron, and all you could think of was how embarrassing it was. How he must be regretting this grand gesture as soon as he realised just how heavy you were, how he was doing this all under public scrutiny just to keep the audience happy, how he must be feeling burdened with the thoughts of handling the party alone. Your guilt had just driven your embarrassment to greater heights, until you were speechless and unable to do anything. You had searched for any sign of discomfort, irritation, or regret on his face, but they had completely disappeared- in fact, those had been all the emotions you had seen in the last few months, but at that moment, Joshua seemed like a different man. Could it be… no. You wouldn’t let your foolish heart take flight again, like the thirteen year old you would have. 
Sadly, Joshua was right. Your ankle felt better after the medic had checked it and given you a painkiller, but there was no escaping the dull lull of sleep clenching on to your eyes as soon as those awful shoes were off and the tight gown had been relaxed on your body to make you comfortable. It had truly been a long day, and your brain was on overdrive with all the overwhelming events of the day. Too many thoughts confusing you.
Will he be disappointed in me? I can’t consummate the marriage. Does he think I balked on him today? For all he knows, I might as well have feigned the injury to cling on to him like a desperate woman, or worse, run off from the party organised in our honour. Did he think I was pretty today? What will the public think about me now that I’ve run away from my own wedding party? Wedding… you’re married to Joshua Hong now… for good. But would he ever consider you his wife?
To avoid the thoughts from spiraling into worse demons, you let yourself fall into the easy trap of sleep. 
_
ii. 
당신이 그리워하는 것은 그대일까? (그대일까?)
아니면 미화된 기억 저편의 그때일까? (그대일까?)
“Is it you that you miss? (Is it you?)
Or is it that time on the other side of the glorified memory? (Is it you?)”
That night, Joshua Hong could think of no one but you. Tired, and yet, sleep eluded him. You had sent no word of feeling better, obviously annoyed that he had encroached upon your private space like that by picking you up- oh god, what had he been thinking- and he had felt too shy to visit you to take news about your well being. But oh, when he paced about in his room, all he could think of was how beautiful you had looked today. Although your eyes were sad, with the burden of the wedding, and your body weak, with the worry and tires of royal life, and your heart aching, with your best friend, and quite probably your lover, gone and replaced way too soon by an unwanted man… you were still just as beautiful as the first time he had met you. 
That was what he dreamt of that night. 
You were wearing a yellow skirt, which had twirled in the wind like a sunflower standing tall in a windy field. The day had been gloomy, but your presence had lit it up. He was all but fourteen years old, and you were just eleven. But just your smile had been enough to teach him what infatuation was. 
And then, what jealousy was. When he saw you spend more time with Wonwoo, being closer in age to him and sharing more interests with him.
And then, what longing was. When all he saw of you were brief glimpses in the corridors as you would play hide and seek with his brother. When all he heard of you were hums of your laughter when you would beat Wonwoo in a video game, teaching him the tricks of winning battleship wars. When all he wanted was to speak to you, address this funny feeling in his chest whenever he saw you, but you never gave him a moment to continue the conversation from greetings. Always too eager to leave, always too shy to make eye contact. 
But soon he had gotten over the crush- his puberty had settled in now, he was no longer troubled by rushed infatuations over younger girls. He had decided to focus on studies, having already made up his mind to abdicate the throne. He would meet you from time to time, generally accompanied by Wonwoo, as you were his best friend now, and sometimes by Mingyu, your twin brother and Wonwoo’s classmate. 
You were also growing fast- into a more serious lady. Gone were the giggles, they were replaced by crescent-eyed grins and shy, mature smiles. Objectively, he found you very attractive. But your closeness with Wonwoo had made it obvious to him that your heart belonged to his younger brother, and gently he had started seeing you as a friend. It was a status he was happy with for he knew you were the best for Wonwoo. And he had himself moved on. Once he had blossomed into adolescence, there was no end of women and men waiting for him to give them some attention. Although he hadn't given up on true love, a couple of one-night adventures would harm none. Especially when he was in the States. No one to stop him, no one to shit-talk about him. A stone gathering no moss, wary of a fire to melt the core.
Until he had returned and seen you.
_
It was well past midday when you woke up. You felt really refreshed, and were on the verge of breaking into a happy mood, when you realise exactly what day it was. 
The morning after your wedding. Your wedding day. Gosh. All the memories of last evening came flooding by, and you put your hands to your face in embarrassment.
“Y/N-ah!” followed by a loud thumping. 
You hear your twin brother, Mingyu’s voice from the other side of the doors, probably waiting for you to wake up and respond, or break down the door himself. So you call back, “Yeah, I’m awake!” The door opens swiftly, and your giant brother walks in with the weirdest look on his face. It’s a mix of worry, happiness, pride, and teasing. You can read him like a book, ugh. 
“About time, my loveliest sister. Everyone’s looking for you. Quite the drama you can stir up huh? Who knew you had it in you?” He sits by you, and smiles fondly, knowing very well how his words are burning you. “I know, I’m sorry for the mess.” He reaches out, holding your arm as you sit up in bed. “Hey, there’s no need to be sorry. How are you feeling?”
“Hmm, better I think. Let me try and move my leg.” And you gently kick him, taking him by surprise as he falls out of the bed. You laugh even harder at the look on his face. “Yaah! Aren’t you supposed to be injured?!” “It must not be serious, I can actually move it well now. Should I practice once more?” “Yaaah, Kim Y/N! If you’re going to take advantage of being the royal princess by KICKING ME, I’m going to take you to court!” “Now aren’t you taking advantage of being the royal counsel?” And you both are laughing fondly. It’s truly been a moment since you last sat with Mingyu, carefree like this. You only realise now how heavy the burden of the wedding was. 
But it’s certainly not the end of the burden. This is going to go on for a long time now. Forever, if you’re fortunate. 
A small face peeks at the open door, and you instinctively wrap the blanket around your body to hide yourself. It’s been a shy habit since childhood, avoidance and displeasure in sudden interactions, but when you see the face belongs to your fian- husband, Joshua, you nod at him, asking him to come in. And he looks as immaculate as ever. Hair brushed back, your wedding ring on his finger, his dapper brooch shining against the black suit he’s wearing. Mingyu breaks the ice, “And why are you so dressed up early in the morning, Hyung?” “Simply because he can,” you whisper to him, and you both giggle. Your faces are mirror images of each other, when you realise Joshua couldn’t hear what you had whispered and hence had a puzzled look in his eyes. “I- I’ve a meeting with the council in, like, 15 minutes. And it’s not early in the morning. It’s already noon.” “Noon is a fine time to be in bedclothes, Hyung, in case you didn’t know,” and Mingyu waves a goodbye to you as he leaves you both alone, winking at the other man in the room. 
And then there’s a silence. 
It’s not even a pause. It’s like a semibreve rest, which is stretched bar onto bar using more tied rests. 
And then there’s a disharmonious note clanging through the silence. 
“How’s your leg?”
“Hmmm, better. Thank you.”
“Huh? Thanking me for what?”
You chuckle. “For asking, I guess. But I mean, more generally. Thanks for letting me rest yesterday and handle the event.”
“Yeah I couldn’t let your injury worsen, could I? That wouldn’t be very… husband-like of me.” He makes brief eye contact when saying the h-word, but breaks it immediately, frisking about in the room. You bite your lip. It’s exactly like you thought. He had done it for the cameras.
“Is there anything else…”
“Oh yeah. Just - no rush, obviously,” he explains in the warmest tone ever, his eyes wide, “But the council is asking me about coronation dates.”
“Coronation?”
“Yeah, as the Royal Prince and the Princess.”
“Oh.”
“I understand it’s too soon since Wonwoo-”
“No it’s okay. We should get it over with. Whenever the council suggests, I’m cool with it.”
“Okay then.”
“Umm, also Joshua?”
“Yeah, Y/N?”
Can you give me a peck on my forehead?
“Can there be a way to make up to you for the hassle you bore for me last evening? I’m really embarrassed and ashamed.”
He smiles, so smug and aware of how nervous you are. “No, Y/N. I didn’t do a favour on you. It was what my- my brain asked me to do.”
And he leaves, almost immediately, without giving you a chance to breathe out his scent that lingers so longingly in the room. 
_
iii. 
“You're my paradise, my own paradise
Everytime I look into those angel eyes”
You clearly remembered your first day of middle school. You had joined a new school, an elite school by all means. Your classmates were all nobility and you felt out of place among such crowds, considering how your mother had only recently been promoted to the position of the assistant to the royal counsel. But a stroke of luck ensured that your first day in the new school went off better than you could have ever dreamt of. Because you had met Jeon Wonwoo, the maknae prince, and he was the boy assigned to sit on the bench alongside yours. And although you were too shy to speak to him, he had extended the hand of friendship by lending you a pencil in the second class of the day. 
And then sharing your lunch with you. You two were the only ones sitting alone in the canteen, while the rest had all begun mingling in groups. You had asked if he was unwell. He had said that this wasn’t uncommon, he preferred to eat alone. You had joked about the girls who were sending him looks from the other table and were giggling endlessly. He had smirked, saying he knew it already. You were scandalised, how could he ignore them and let them suffer in this illusion? He smiled, saying he enjoyed the attention. You had asked why he didn’t initiate any conversation with them or even friendzone them. He had simply said, they’re too silly for my time. I can’t talk about nails and hair and dresses. I don’t even know the difference between light purple and dark purple, for god’s sake. And you had laughed out loud, finding your first common dislike for pick-me teenage girls whose conversations centered about appearances and crushes. 
That was the first of your many common dislikes, to be honest. And that was how you had become the best of friends, since then. 
Wonwoo had been by your side throughout, as had you been for him. And although everyone thought your relationship was more than friendship, you both knew very well that you were the best of friends and nothing more, without any regrets or disappointments. For Wonwoo had been, surprisingly, madly, crazily in love with your twin brother, Mingyu. 
You knew Mingyu was oblivious as hell. You also knew that Wonwoo preferred it to remain that way, finding security in secrecy. Even you had found out by accident, but of course how did he think he could ever hide it from you. 
You had gotten drunk for the first time at the age of sixteen, the night when his father had informed him that he had to start training for becoming the Crown Prince. “Y/N, I’m already tired of this.” “Hmm, I guess I do understand why your brother stepped out.” “I know right! The responsibility far outweighs any privileges that I can get!” 
You had laughed at his indignant words, “Yaah, what else do you want?” “Y/N-ah, are material pleasures the only thing one can desire?” “It's what most people desire, Wonwoo. There are very few other things that can make a human happy.” “Such as?” “Love. Family. Friendship,” and you had squeezed his warm hand, showing that you were there for him. “I already have most of that.” “And you’ll find love as well.” 
There was a pregnant pause. 
“I have. For a long time now.”
You thought you’d become sober with the kind of shock this information sent to your brain. You jumped up in excitement, and squealed, “Who?!” He had smiled widely at your excitement, pushing up his glasses. 
“I can’t tell you.” 
“Ayy. Don’t be shy now.” “Nope. You cannot-” “Wonwoo!!!!! Don’t be such a spoilsport! I’ll kick your ass if you don’t tell me. We had sworn, no secrets!” He smirked, “Yes of course! The day I discovered your diary entries about hyung-” “Shh! Enough of me!” “Why are you embarrassed now?” “Because that was so long in the past. But your love- it’s in the present. We have to cultivate it.” “Jeez, Y/N. It’s not a crop.” “It is, you dimwit. Now tell me,” you shook his shoulders, borderline violent with curiosity. 
But then there was a change in mood. Wonwoo began biting his lower lip, a telltale sign of embarrassment. “You don’t have to worry, hey. I’m your best friend. I’m never going to tell a soul. Not even my brother!”
He had stared at you as if you had said something wrong. 
“How do you know?”
“Huh?” 
It took three seconds for you to join the dots. But of course! How could you be so blind!
“You like Mingyu?” 
Wonwoo’s face swelled up in bright red, he turned his entire body away from you. Finding his reaction endearing, you hugged him from the back. “Hey. It’s okay. Don’t be embarrassed.”
He still didn’t turn back. “I- I like a boy.” 
“Wonwoo! That’s hardly something to be embarrassed about.”
“I can never tell my parents. Hell, I can’t even tell Mingyu. He’s straight as fuck.” You could hear his breath getting labored in his agitation. He swiftly turned around and clasped your hands. “Y/N. Promise me you’ll never tell him. Please.” 
And you had promised him. With complete sincerity. 
You have seen Mingyu cry plenty of times. When a dog had scratched his knee (he had only tried to play with it). When he had lost his passport (but found it again three minutes later). When you had slapped him for breaking your guitar (you had torn the love letters he had received on Valentine’s Day for he was acting too smug about them). 
But today, there are no tears in his eyes, when he prays for Wonwoo at his funeral. Just a blank face and lifeless eyes, which you know to be hiding so much. Wonwoo’s death had affected Mingyu a lot, albeit not as much as you, but Wonwoo had still been the closest he had to a friend of his own age, when he had been introduced into the world of nobility just like you. Since then, you had seen Mingyu become distracted, drinking alone in the house after midnight, avoiding any gatherings, and delved deep into his work. And today, even when the world perceives him as unaffected and heartless, you know just how broken he feels, by the paleness in his eyes and the weak shaking of his fingers. 
On your other side is Joshua. He, like Mingyu, is also stoic, but you can hear his muffled sniffles. He’s softer than both Mingyu and Wonwoo, and you’re surprised he can hold back his grief. But you guess he has to, considering his completely broken down parents standing in front of him. They seem to lose all control over their feelings as they cry and pray for their son’s peaceful afterlife. 
You’re also crying. Joshua knows you are, and he’s looking at you more than once in a minute. One time, you look back at him, and he immediately puts his hand in yours. You don’t question the sudden gesture of affection, you don’t care enough about it. All you care about is the illusion your heart keeps feeding your brain that you’re not alone even if Wonwoo’s gone. You hold on Joshua’s pinky finger for dear life, and let the tears roll down your cheeks, whispering mumbled prayers as the priests keep on talking. 
_
“It’s so nice to see you after years.” Joshua smiles at your words, his eyes crinkling at the edges as he drinks in the warmth of your presence. It feels so good to be around familiar people in this now unfamiliar world, where everyone seemed to be accusing him for something or the other. 
“Likewise, Y/N. How are you holding up?” He is indicating to your life after Wonwoo’s passing away. “Just about. Your parents want me to go to therapy,” you chuckle, but he thinks his parents aren’t saying the wrong thing. “You should, though. You were his literal best friend and fiance. If anyone needs support, it's you.” “It’s okay. If I really felt that weak, I would’ve taken the support, trust me. But I don’t. I don’t know… maybe because it’s Wonwoo? I feel like… even if he’s not with me, he’ll always be with me.” “Yeah, he does have that, doesn’t he? The little hand on your back all the time. It feels like that to me too.” “Then you understand.” 
And there had been silence. Until you had addressed the elephant in the room. 
“I’ve accepted the King’s proposal. I think it’s only fair for him to request me to marry you.”
He stumbles, trips and almost falls. Then he pauses on the walk, and looks at you. “Y/N. I think he’s being cruel, and you can honestly tell me if you feel so too. You don’t have to worry about your brother’s position-”
“Oh no!” You smile, a weak smile that doesn’t reach your cheekbones. “I don’t worry about Mingyu. I know he’ll survive in the system even if I’m kicked out. I was anyway thinking it’s high time I got kicked out, though. I have no use here anyway. I guess being your wife can be the only reason I stay in.”
You say the words so casually, his fingers burn with electricity. He can’t fathom why you’re so relaxed about it. But you read his mind, “Joshua. I’ve never really… looked for love. So it’s okay if this marriage is loveless. But I do care about Wonwoo. Sorry… did care about Wonwoo. And I think he would want me to support you in any way I can to help you settle down in this new responsibility that’s been dumped on you.”
“Y/N. Please, you don’t have to be so understanding.”
“Joshua, all I’m saying is that I’m okay with whatever arrangement this becomes. If you have qualms, I totally get that. You may not be ready for marriage- or,” he notices the slight change in pitch, “you may like someone else. If that is the case, you can tell me honestly and I’ll step back. I’m not a golddigger,” you laugh, quite sarcastic and bitter though. 
“Y/N, are you sure about this?”
“I am.”
“I’m not, but I’m willing to do it.”
And then you extend your hand to him, and he doesn’t know what to do. Are you asking him to hold your pretty fingers? Or admire the gold bracelet adorning your lithe wrist? Or-
“God, Joshua. You won’t even shake hands with me?”
He doesn’t know why his heart falls. He shakes hands with you, and laughs about his error, before you divert the topic into other matters. He’s so unfocused, mind going back to how soft your hand had felt in yours. 
Your hand feels rougher. Almost as if it’s been burnt at the edges. You have been burnt, though, Joshua thinks, as he looks at your eyes, glimmering with tears shed and unshed, your parted lips, bursting with words said and unsaid, and your face pale with sadness. 
To keep himself distracted, he thinks about why your hand feels more rough. Hurt by the worries of the royal family you’ve been forced in? Uncared for in this palace which is not your home? Calloused with the scars of this burdensome relationship? He doesn’t know why there’s an increasing urge in his heart to try and change all of that, all to see you smile widely again. But it’s too daunting of a task, and Joshua is a coward. 
_
Days pass by quickly. Before you realise, you’ve been married for a month and you’re making your first public presence since that disastrous evening of your wedding. Public presence as a couple. It’s at a conference with leaders of neighbouring countries, where Joshua is expected to speak politics and economics and you’re expected to socialise with the women. But that’s hardly what happens. 
In preparation for this event, you two had met a couple of times in the last week. Your schedules never clashed, so you hardly met each other, but this time, you had made time to meet him. 
“Joshua, I’m not going to that conference to be a flower vase decorating you.”
He had been in the middle of a serious conversation with his secretary, but he signalled everyone out of the room as soon as he realised your mood was off after receiving the invitation to the conference. “No, you’re the Princess. You’re not going to be decorating me.” “I hope so. Joshua, I don’t mingle in your public affairs much, and I stick to the duties I’ve taken up, but I don’t want to be a trophy you carry around. I’m not fit for a trophy anyway-” he coughs, but you continue, “but most importantly, I’m a human with a brain. I need to be able to speak if I feel I want to speak.”
“And you shall. What’s gotten you so worked up?”
You falter for a second, not expecting him to yield so easily. You had expected him to put up a bit of a tantrum, exercising his authority as a Prince, but he seemed genuinely confused with your outburst. 
“I don’t know… nothing, I guess. It’s just that. Historically, our royal ladies haven’t spoken at public forums too much. I don’t want to be like that.”
“I don’t think you could ever be like that, Y/N. Even if God had pledged you to be so. You’re too intelligent to stay shut.”
He leans on his desk, and you take in a breath to see him. He’s looking marvellous. Although it’s late at night and you’re already exhausted and in your pyjamas, he seems to be still working, wearing semi-formal slacks and a shirt. Your breath hitches at the rolled up sleeves of his shirt, but he interrupts your thoughts. 
“I’ve actually been meaning to speak to you for a while.”
“About?”
“About… this. Like…” you can sense his hesitation, and you drop the arms you had folded to make him feel more relaxed. 
“The PR team is asking me to hold your hand… or things like that when we’re in public. To show we’re a newly wedded couple in love.”
“I’m sure the entire world knows that we’re not in love. I’m not some despo who’s in love with Wonwoo one day, and the next day, in love with you.” You almost miss the little wince he makes when you complete your sentence. “But if they ask us to be affectionate, I suppose we-”
“No. I don’t think either of us would be comfortable with it.”
“You’re right. I think holding hands would be the maximum we can go to.” Your voice is steeling up, your heart frozen. He nods in agreement. You say, “Goodnight then, Joshua. Sleep early. You look tired, I’ll ask them to get you some tea?”
“Coffee?” he whines, almost making you smile. “No, tea.” And you leave the room without further words.
_
Joshua can’t, in fact, wait for the day of the conference. He’s been trying to find excuses to meet you, see you, and talk to you, but he can’t bring himself to do it. It’s just like it used to be back then, seeing you in the corridors, sometimes in the gardens, meeting each other only once in a week. It seems nothing like a marriage to him, but it certainly feels more intimate than anything he’s ever done. Any sex he’s had. Any relationship he’s had. Anything. Because his face burns up simply from your presence in his vicinity. His heart pumps when you call out his name. His fingers tremble after any accidental touch between the two of you. It’s foolish, giddy, and distracting. It’s a crush, he thinks. It feels just like he was fourteen, and he would have feverish dreams of playing with your hair, wondering what you smelled like, wishing to hug you and feel your soft curves melt into him. He knows you’re an adult now, and yet the sensations in his heart are so soft and innocent that he’s taken aback himself. 
But all of that changes when he sees you in the black dress you’ve donned for the evening, as he comes to your room to ask if you’re ready to leave. You’re wearing pearls, matching the thin pearl necklace he has worn, and your wedding ring shines on your fingers. He wonders how you look just like paradise without any makeup or any fakeness. 
Shit. He has to spend the entire evening with you. He’s doomed.
_
If anyone thinks they’re doomed, it’s you. You think about it when Joshua walks into your chambers wearing a black turtleneck under a charcoal grey suit, and you wonder why you’ve not burnt up in flames yet. His outfit is so contrasting to his smile, which lilts into his beautiful deer eyes that you so loved to dream about as a teen. His bangs are off his forehead, and when he speaks you notice his lips more than what he’s actually saying. 
It doesn’t help that you both sit in the backseat, quite close to each other, on the ride to the venue. 
It doesn’t help when you hear him rolling out words in English, in the sexiest accent you have ever heard. 
It doesn’t help when he walks up on stage as the Guest of Honour to deliver his speech, looking like the man of the moment, and you can’t help the feeling of giddy pride bubbling into you. Maybe it’s the champagne. Maybe it’s you scorning the ladies ogling his beautiful figure on stage (he’s your husband, you think, not theirs). Maybe it’s you simply proud that he’s getting the attention he deserves. 
He’s finishing his speech, partly in English, partly in Korean. You can see the media personnel immediately raise their hands for questions. And then you feel your blood boil as each question pours in one-by-one. 
“Why does your country still have a monarchy in place? Don’t you think the lack of a democratic system is unfair to your people?”
“What steps are you taking to fill in the gap left behind by your younger brother, especially when you’re unfamiliar with your people now?”
“Do you plan on making Korea the next America? What will you do as the modern leader of the kingdom?”
They’re so intrusive, but Joshua has the sweetest and most patient smile on his face. “I’ll take your questions one by one, thank you.”
“Firstly, I think that there needs to be a clear understanding of what our governance looks like. We’ve held on to traditions and kept the monarchy intact, but what has become quite obvious, honestly, is that our government is not ruled by the king, but by what the people say. That is because all councils are elected into power, all the members of the governing body apart from the royal family are representatives of the people.”
Someone has the audacity to interrupt him, “But your country has the highest proportion of rich nobility controlling so many resources-”
“Please do not break me off mid-sentence. I’ll be patient and hear what you all have to say. That’s why I’m here, ain’t I?” That earns a soft laugh from the audience and shuts up the reporter. 
“I understand your concerns, but the statistics are incorrect. Every economy, every nation has a few members of the society who are powerful and have control over resources. It’s quite an open secret. Due to our transparency you know who they are in our country. In other countries, it’s quite often disguised in the form of benevolent capitalists and social change mongering politicians.” Another laugh from the audience. His sarcasm doesn’t go unappreciated. 
“But yes, it’s necessary to modernise Korea. I’ll simply be following in the footsteps of my younger brother, who understood the country so well. Apart from his contributions, I have so many programs lined up too. You’ll see them unfurling soon, I request you to be patient enough and allow me to find my footing. Anyway, I have my elected representatives and council members to help me in every step, and my wife’s opinions to guide my thoughts.” He pauses, and suddenly, you feel a blush rising up your cheeks as you feel the spotlight has shifted towards you. But your eyes are still on him, as he smiles the most dazzling smile, and you’re blinded. 
With the smile of course, not by the sudden adoration you feel surging in your heart. 
His wife. It’s not real, your brain overrides any silly loops of emotions your heart is riding in. It’s all for the show. Oh, but it feels so real. It feels so good. It’s all for the cameras. 
And then there is applause and the spotlights are out, and you’re back to reality. You bite your lip to hold back the tears. 
_
iv. 
한편의 명작, 하나의 실루엣
우리의 그림은 익어가 빨갛게
“One masterpiece, one silhouette
Our paintings are ripe and red”
Joshua Hong feels dirty and disgusted. He has been nothing but a pervert this past week, and he has no one except himself to blame for it. He wants to flip over and die and repeat that for a million times, but nothing can stop the thoughts that wander into his brain every night, after he finally finishes work. Thoughts in the shower. Thoughts while walking in the gardens. Thoughts while eating ice cream as a late night snack. Thoughts while lying down in his bed. 
Thoughts about you. 
He wanted to avoid them, he really did. He knew you didn’t want him. Not in that way, certainly. You had made that clear to him, ample number of times. And yet, he found himself wanting you. Was it the lack of sex and increased stress these last six months? Or was it that night in the conference that had triggered it all off?
That night, when he said it aloud for the first time you were his wife. He felt so proud, looking at you from the stage, as you sat so elegantly, so much more beautiful than any other woman in the room, hell, more beautiful than any other woman he had met. That night, something had changed, he felt, or maybe it was a figment of his imagination. He had felt you grazing his arms with your fingers more often, on the excuse of calling his attention. He had felt you staring at him for seconds longer than usual. He had felt you speaking to him more comfortably all evening. And he had felt like a teenage boy, almost like taking out his crush to his first prom. He had been so excited to fill up your plate with food during dinner, and had loved it when you had conversed with all the dignitaries at the conference, using the smartest and most technical terms ever. He could’ve honestly, orgasmed right there. 
And that had really triggered something off in him. That night, he had put his hands between his legs for the first time in months, and jerked himself off in his shower, thinking of your voice, your little movements and your incredible smartness. It wasn’t even physical, it was metaphysical, as he explained to himself the next morning, when the guilt hit him hard. It was a one-time thing, it won’t happen again, he had reasoned. 
But god, even the heavens didn’t want him to keep his promise.
The next morning, he was called to your room on an ‘emergency’. Turned out, it was a new plan for the dams that you had thought up that night. And you had opted to explain that technology to him wearing a night suit that left nothing to his imagination. Just one thin strap had to slip off and his dirty curiosity would be satisfied forever. Jeez, Joshua Hong. Get a grip on yourself. This is your brother’s lover, she doesn’t even like you back. 
But could any rational thought help him when all he could do was stare at your smooth arms and neck, revealed perfectly by the spaghetti tank top, and your thighs which were so beautiful he could-
“Joshua. Are you awake enough to even listen to me?”
God, what was that tone? Were you scolding him? For thinking illegal things about you? Yeah, you should, he thought with a swipe of his tongue over his parched lips, as he stared into your eyes, hidden behind a pair of steel-rimmed glasses. God, you were so beautiful, he was a mess. 
“Yeah, I am listening. You can just give me the plans alternatively, and at the next council meeting, I’ll let you know and you can come over and discuss it with everyone.”
Your chest heaved, out of breath with all the explanation you had dished out, and it was a sight for Joshua’s sore eyes. 
“Okay,” you mumbled, continuing about how you were sceptical about the idea but-
“Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out.” 
And he had rushed out of the room before you spotted the revival of his morning wood straining through his cotton pants. 
_
You’re determined to make yourself more involved in the governance work, and this means spending more time in close quarters with Joshua. And even though you’re trying your best (you really are), sometimes you can’t help but steal a glance at his chiselled jawline, gaze too long at his beautiful eyes, and wish that his fingers were wrapped around your neck- shit, that was too much. But it’s been over a year that you’ve received any kind of sexual attention (the last being from a friend of Mingyu’s at his birthday party, before your engagement with Wonwoo had been made public), and let’s be fair, it’s really hard to dodge the bullets Joshua Hong, unknowingly, keeps aiming at you. Because, fuck, your brain had been all messed up and you had begun stammering when he had met you during your long late night walk in the orchid garden. 
“Fancy seeing you here.” That was the first sentence he had said to you that week, and you weren’t in a mood to speak to him, to be honest. Your period was due soon, and you had hoped the fresh air would cure the cramps. 
“My room was too stuffy.”
“Do you want me to shift your room-”
“No! There’s no need for that.”
“I mean, you could always come and stay with me. I’ll arrange for the bedroom adjacent to mine being opened and connected with mine. At least that’ll stop the tattletales in the kitchen about us sleeping apart even though the King and Queen still sleep together.”
He was right. The gossip was getting on your nerves now. It must be because she’s so darn gross and ugly, they said. It must be because Prince Joshua has met sexier women when he was abroad. It must be because she’s a brat and runs her mouth too much. It must be because she had jumped on Joshua once the other Prince had died, but Joshua can’t take her weight, haha. 
And you had tried, you really had. Gone on a diet, lost three kilograms, and focused more on the remnants of teenage acne on your cheeks. You, who had never given a damn about appearances, were now trying to please- who, exactly? The public? The press? Or was it all to get a reaction out of your husband?
One night, you cave into the weakness. You find comfort in your fingers fondling with your nipples, gasps escaping from your lips as you lie in the dark, under your heavy blankets, imagining Joshua’s pillowy lips on your neck. It gives you shivers, and you’re thankful for the warm blanket. 
But as soon as the shot of pleasure shoots through your veins, his words that you had overheard come to your mind. 
It was the day after your first conversation with him, confirming your willingness to enter the marriage. Joshua was drinking with Mingyu in the house you shared with your brother after the death of your parents. You had no idea you’d find the Prince in your house when you returned from the market, bag full of groceries and skirt dirty from the mud in the roods after the rain. 
“Hyung, if you don’t want to marry her, you can just tell your parents.”
“Do you think they’ll listen to me, Mingyu-ah?” he had scoffed. 
“They’ve always been pretty liberal. Letting Wonwoo break the hierarchy has probably been the most controversial decisions of all time, but they were strong enough to take the call. I’m sure if you explain that you don’t want to-”
“Mingyu, it’s not about want or not. I cannot marry her. It is beyond my moral capacity. I really… ugh, it’s so twisted.”
“Maybe it’s not. Maybe you’re just thinking like this because you don’t know her well enough.”
“I do. I know her enough to know I cannot get myself into this marriage. It’ll be the worst decision of my life, I know I’m going to regret it.”
And the euphoria of pleasure dies as soon as it had begun, leaving you empty, both emotionally and physically. You thrash yourself for becoming that stupid teenage Y/N again, crying for a man who you would never get. Joshua would never love you, no matter how much you wanted him to. Maybe you just didn’t deserve him. 
_
The next few days were absolute torture for Joshua. He knew exactly how you felt towards him, in fact you reminded him of it every second, and yet he could not keep his eyes off you. His stupid puberty crush had been reawakened, and somehow, he felt like he was younger when he was around you. Maybe because he trusted you to take burdens off his shoulder when you showed up to council meetings and convinced the balding, middle-aged men (who only stared at your legs and sighed at every novel idea you presented) to let you take over projects which you felt passionate about. A new legal bill for safety for women in workplaces. New schemes to reduce the drop-out rate in colleges. Revamping incentives to ensure the needy families do not prioritise employment over education for their children. 
And he would bask in your warmth. Sometimes it felt like you were the light at the end of his tunnel- when he would be tired after nights of staying awake, worrying about projects or silly politics, you’d turn up, smelling of lavender, wearing your lace night suits and carrying pots of lemongrass tea with you. You were a dream, a mist in the spring, and he was chasing the happiness he felt in your presence. 
Seeing the two of you spend more time together meant his parents were happier than ever and they began inviting you to dinners with them. 
“Y/N, you ready?” 
You open the door to your bedchamber, simply dressed in a white shirt and blue flared jeans that did nothing to hide your tempting ass that Joshua kept wanting to get his fingers on. “Yeah. Not wearing anything fancy, I don’t need to fool them about my looks at least.” 
“Fool them about looks, what are you saying?” He asks you softly as you both make your way through the long winding corridors. 
“Oh nothing.” He catches on to your disappointed voice, how you move an inch away from him after this statement. 
“Y/N-” “Don’t you read the papers, Joshua? I know you don’t have time for society gossip but I’m sure you know what they’re saying.”
Shit. He really doesn’t know. He stops walking and looks at you dumbfounded.
“What are they saying, Y/N?” Please let it not be what I’m thinking it is.
“Never mind Josh.” Josh? When did you start calling him Josh? Not that he’d ever mind.
“I want to know.” He steps in front of you, blocking your way. He can see your pupils dilate and then relax, your beautiful lips part gently to take in air, all while there are clouds in your face. 
“I don’t want to talk about this, Joshua. It’s embarrassing already to know they say all that, it’s even worse to be complaining to you about-”
“You’re not complaining. You’re my wife, you can share your concerns with me.” I want you to share yourself with me, please.
You bite your lower lip, and continue after hesitating, “I don’t know- I know I’m not perfect and I’ve never wanted to look like a celebrity or a model or whatever, and I also know I don’t have the same kind of good looks that Mingyu was blessed with, and I know I’m not size zero and-” 
He steps in and kisses you. 
And steps back almost immediately. 
God knows why he did it, but he doesn’t have time to regret it in spite of the shocked expression on your face. “Y/N. You’re so beautiful. I don’t even have enough words to describe how beautiful you are. And I’m not saying this just for the sake of it. I’ve always thought you’re simply perfect.” 
It seems you’re still out of breath from the kiss. He is too, he just wants to appear composed in front of you while breaking down inside from the fear of you not wanting it as much as he did.
“Y/N. I don’t care what the media says. And I know you’re not one to care about that bullshit either. I want you to know that those who matter to you, love you, for just who you are. We wouldn’t change a thing.”
And he steps away and continues walking ahead, at a slower pace. You start walking a few seconds later, and finally his own heartbeat stops pumping in his ear like a ticking time bomb.
_
You cannot focus on dinner after that. It’s not humanly possible, you think, as you steal gazes at your husband across the table as he laughs with his parents over silly dad jokes he’s been cracking all evening. His mood has relatively improved in the last few weeks, and now you actually enjoy his company a lot. Just like when you were younger and you looked up to him with starry eyes, in awe of how he knew so much more than you in spite of being just three years older.
But you’re dying inside. Your stomach is churning, your skin perspiring and a sheen of sweat on your forehead makes your mother-in-law ask you in concern, “Y/N dear, I’ve never seen you pick at your food like this. Are you not hungry?”
You panic and reply, “Umm, no I’m just on a little diet,” and you cover up with a fake smile, avoiding Joshua’s eyes so that you miss out on the furrowing of his eyebrows at the mention of diet. He asks you, not allowing you to escape, “Why are you on this diet? Are you trying to lose weight?”
“Yes.” It’s true, you have been trying to lose weight. You’ve stopped liking how you look in the many public photographs that get clicked of you nowadays. 
“Why?” 
And all of a sudden, there’s a palpable tension in the room. The mood is dead serious and you know Joshua is angry. 
Why is he fucking angry? Does he not want you to go on a diet? Is this continuing from what he said earlier- oh god, forget about the kiss Y/N!
“I just… I want to become fitter. I’m thinking of restarting swimming. You remember how I used to swim a lot earlier?” you casually ask him, not expecting him to almost choke. “Yeah I do… it’s a good idea. It’ll help you get rid of stress also.”
Your parents-in-law say something in enthusiastic agreement, but all you can focus on is how good Joshua Hong looks with his hair slicked back, his plain green sweater hanging loose on his shoulders, and how he’s looking at you like he wants to kiss you again. Not that he would actually want that, though. More likely, he’s looking at you to erase that memory of the kiss.
_
The Crown Prince of Korea is seconds away from a heart attack and the reason is his wife. He can’t get the kiss out of his head- he’d be lying to himself if he said that he hasn’t been thinking of this for months now. He realises just how futile his attempts of thinking of you only and only as Wonwoo’s lover and his sister-in-law have been, when he thinks of just how long he’s longed to feel his lips on yours. Months? Hell, it must’ve been years. When his first choice of his plus-one to his first prom night had been you, but then the teacher said he couldn’t invite someone three years younger to him. When you had showed up at his farewell party before he left for the States, your hair much longer then, your eyes even prettier under those nerd glasses. When he had seen your selfies with Wonwoo while he was abroad, and an inch of him had wished he could share his new life with you instead of the girls who flocked around him. 
But you’re avoiding eye contact like the plague. And he knows it must have been the foolish step on his end to kiss you. So old, and yet no control on his fucking hormones? And yet, how could he, when you continued to talk utter rubbish about the stupid comments about your looks that had been rioting on social media, but he found you just as perfect as the woman he had always dreamt of?
Josh.
A pet name? He mused, as he chewed the steak slowly, savouring it along his tongue. He had tried to make the night lively, bringing up topics he knew you’d want to talk about, but he had failed. Your mood was perhaps permanently damaged now, in spite of whatever uphill improvements he had made in the last month. 
But what was marriage if not a labour of love?
Love? Joshua Hong had once been in love with you, for a short time, but now he was not. He knew he was not because he knew it would be unreciprocated. It would be spat upon and crushed with the heels of your shoes and Joshua Hong was a coward. He would never be brave like Mingyu, who was always too courageous for his good, especially after too many drinks. He would never be as determined as Wonwoo, who would turn everything he touched to gold simply with hard work and focus. He would forever be content in the shadows, watching you from aside, waiting for you to look at him with the same want his heart was burning with. 
But how long? The ache in his heart had become a familiar friend over these nights. The wish to walk twenty metres and reach your room in lonely midnight hours, and touch your skin with his lips until it cured his insomnia. The wish to see you smile at him without the burden of royal obligations, with genuine care. The wish to hold your hand when you sat together at council meetings, right next to each other, and yet so far apart. How long could he suppress these wishes?
Oh, but he had to. Otherwise he would make mistakes. More mistakes he couldn’t afford to make, such as the mistake of kissing you tonight. There were more mistakes his fingers itched to make, such as brushing his hand on yours across the table when your hand accidentally grabbed his glass of wine instead of your own, such as touching your feet with his own under the table to show you how much he wanted you, such as claiming an emergency and leaving with you right now to beg of you to love him back and let him be yours. 
When your plate is clean, and your wine glass empty and you sit back on your chair, a contented look on your face, he wants to kiss you again because it feels like a date. It makes him want to take you on a date. It makes him want to court you and woo you and win your heart as he had originally planned at the age of fourteen.
But even if he had started early, would he ever be able to win your heart? He was simply not good enough for you. Wonwoo had been your perfect fit- both in wit and in warmth. And Joshua, alas, was not. Would never be. 
_
v. 
“I'm looking at you, I can't take my eyes off
I don't know what I feel but it's feeling illegal”
“I know there’ll be a time zone difference, but if I call you late at night please pick up because it’ll be urgent.” Otherwise I won’t call you, you felt that the unsaid was quite well implied. You nod. “You eat and sleep well. Don’t get too stressed,” you mumble out, and wave Joshua goodbye as he walks away from you, a cup of coffee in his right hand and his blazer on his left. There’s some international meeting he has to attend, and although the King and Queen had asked you many times to accompany him, you knew it was best to not impose yourself in unwanted spaces. You had given the excuse of spending a few days with your brother, Mingyu, in your childhood home, as you’d been away for too long and you had started missing him, and your parents-in-law had caved in.
“Bye, Joshua!” you call out over the loud noise of the chopper. He stops at your voice, turns back and looks at you once. You think he’s going to walk towards you, his left foot lifted slightly off the ground, but then the bodyguard standing next to him motions him to move towards the helicopter and he puts his foot back on the ground. He whispers goodbye to you, or maybe you just can’t hear him. 
It should feel nice to finally get rid of him, you think, as he walks further away from you, now a speck on the horizon. But your heart feels heavy, the journey back home feels empty, and there’s a voice in your head which makes you regret staying back.
_
“I forgot to pack my blue suit,” he says over speakerphone. Joshua, the silly man he is, couldn’t wait for even an hour after landing, before calling you. As soon as he had landed in London, his fingers had itched to dial the button and call you up but he had resisted. But when he had started unpacking his luggage, he couldn’t stop himself. It’s a gloomy day, the sky overcast with clouds. His assistant is texting him to come to lunch, but he’s not hungry. He wishes he didn’t have to leave you in Korea. 
He can hear your laugh on the other side. 
“I know, I realised it when I reached home and saw the suit lying on your bed.” “My bed? You went to my room?” There’s a pause. “Umm, yeah… I was actually wondering which perfume you used. I want to buy the same for Mingyu, for Chuseok.” “Oh. Did you find it?” He wonders what else you found. 
“Yeah, I did. How’s your suite?”
“Hmm, big?” You laugh again, slightly less awkward.
“It’s obviously big. Is it, like, very fancy, or is it the modern minimalist type?”
“Quite modern, but also fancy. Like there are all these weird lamps- wait let me show you. Do you have time for a video call?”
“Me?”
“Huh, who else am I talking to?”
“Oh. Yeah I mean. One sec! Don’t turn it on until I say so!” 
He waits, his heart pumping so loud he can hear it. Then you finally turn on the video call and he sees your face coming through the black screen, and suddenly it’s not gloomy any more in London.
“Hi there.” You smile widely, your bare skin glowing, and he smiles back, almost on instinct.  For a second it’s just like that. Showing you the hotel room is a forgotten task, Joshua’s excuse to see your face has worked.
He notices that you’re sitting in your house, as he identifies the different wallpaper easily. “You’ve gone to your house so fast?”
“Hmm, felt like there was nothing to do at home.”
Home. Were you missing him? Could it be-
“Is Mingyu around?”
“Yeah, but he’s calling someone. Practically shooed me from the room when his phone rang. Might be important-”
“Pfft. Important, my foot. Probably a new person he likes.” You smile at his comment, “Yeah probably. When do you think he’ll want to settle down?”
“When he finds someone like I have?”
The words slip out of his mouth before he can even think twice and the truth of what he said only hits him when he suddenly sees your video crashing. “Hey Y/N?”
“Sorry!” Your face is back in focus, all red and flustered. “I dropped my phone. Umm, Josh, I gotta go, there’s someone at the gate.”
“Hmm, okay. See ya?”
You smile at him and wave him a hurried goodbye.
The phone becomes lifeless again.
Shit, he fucked up. Yet again. What are these uncalled-for things he’s doing? And why can’t he just control himself, for god’s sake? It’s not like he… oh god. He’s really messed up now.
_
There’s something wrong happening. It feels right, but it’s really wrong. You reckon it started from the kiss. Since then everything is changing, bit by bit. 
The night after that, he had asked you if you wanted to watch the new film in the theatres, and you had agreed, since you actually wanted to watch it (and not because you wanted to spend more time with him). He had booked out the night show in an entire hall, and the two of you had spent more time giggling over the poorly-made thriller and gasping at the unbelievable action sequences than watching the movie seriously. 
Three days after that, you had asked him if he wanted to come swim with you. He knew you had restarted practice but hadn’t said much about it except ask where you were practising.
“Hmm, sure? I mean, if it doesn’t barge into your routine.”
“Joshua, if it did barge in, I wouldn’t have asked you.” He grins, fixing his collar. “Sorry ma’am. I’m free today, when are you going?” “Today?” You weren’t planning on going today at all. “Yeah…” “Umm, in half an hour?” “Cool. Call me when you’re ready.”
And that’s when you realised it was such a mistake to bring him to the pool. Because you were too distracted by him all the time. For two straight hours, you both raced across the 500 metres pool multiple times in a marathon, but towards the end, it became too much fun as you both skipped track divisions and cheated to make it to the end of the race. He would swiftly snatch your goggles and the chlorine would burn your eyes until you had to hold his hands down and get back the goggles from him, all while whining to make him stop laughing like a clown.  Sure, you had provoked it first by kicking your leg out midway to smash him in his chest, leaving him dumbfounded and gaining you a solid ten seconds, but this was too extreme an attack. 
But at the end of all attacks, he somehow ended up pinning you to the wall of the pool, both too giddy with adrenaline to notice how you had landed in this position. 
Thank god the pool was empty. 
But your mind was not. You were now extremely aware of his gaze burning into you, his hair wet from the water and bangs falling on his face, his taut chest muscles golden and ripped, his glowing skin looking even more alive. 
“I love water.”
“I know, I remember how you used to always have pool parties for your birthdays in school.”
“Hmm, you do?” You’re sure it’s completely platonic, but when he uses his left hand to keep you locked against the pool and his right hand to swipe back his hair from his forehead, there are butterflies in your stomach and you just know you’re blushing. Not even an inch of skin-to-skin contact, just his hungry eyes and you’re dying inside.
“Joshua, I need air.”
“What?” He asks, as if he doesn’t understand.
“I need to breathe.”
“Huh ... you’re breathing, though?”
You bite your lip, and he smirks. You can’t help but think he’s doing it on purpose, but he gently pushes himself away from you, and you take the chance to take deep breaths and rouse yourself to sit on the edge of the pool. He points at you and smirks even deeper.
“I win!” He laughs, his eyes growing bigger in excitement. You laugh too, realising that the moment you got out of water, he had won. But he had won far before that…
He dunks his hair in the water and splashes water over you as he rises up again. You slowly get off the edge and stand up, fixing your clothes. You swear you can see him check you out once, but it may be a figment of your delusions.
“Y/N. I’m hungry.” “Huh?” Did you hear him right? “Yeah, do you wanna get chicken?” Poof.
It feels just like those teenage summer parties he used to host. Just you, Wonwoo, Mingyu, himself, and a couple of other friends from school. You’re feeling just as hot and bothered as then, and he’s looking just as cool as then.
“Sure, but you’re paying. Winner winner, chicken dinner!” And you’re laughing now, as you walk away to the dressing room to take a shower and get dressed again. You just want to escape before he comes out of the water and his body makes you weak in the knees again.
_
He’s hard. 
Joshua Hong is sitting through the middle of the third conference for the day and he’s shit tired at this point. Which has probably made his body want things he doesn’t have. Specifically, you. 
So he tries to hide the boner in his suit pants, and he swears under his breath every second because it’s simply impossible. Especially after that picture Mingyu had sent to him a minute ago. He shouldn’t have opened his phone during the conference, but he was too bored.
KMG-[picture]
KMG-in case you’re missing your wifey haha
HJS-what? 
KMG-she sure is. she’s whining like a little puppy. 
HJS-what?! 
KMG-don’t you get it? she’s drunk bro. it’s so obvious?? did you even open the photo?
HJS-i didn’t, sorry. unlike you, i’m in london and it’s afternoon here so i’m at work.
KMG-work?! pfffft. you’re the prince. 
HJS-you’re also drunk, gyu.
KMG-not realllly, but defo under the influence seeing that i’m texting you against my better judgement, which is the slap i’m going to get from my sister as soon as she realises who i’m texting. 
HJS-jeez. she hates me that much lol.
KMG-huh??? hate? you dumbass??? 
HJS-can you not curse me? this conference is tiring enough.
KMG-sorry. 
KMG-you d*****s???
HJS-what???
KMG-the only thing she’s talking about after eight months of living the royal life is you. and i wouldn’t say you’re the only interesting thing at the palace
HJS-what are you implying
KMG-your assistant is pretty hot
HJS-what? i choked on my water!
KMG-don’t tell me you haven’t noticed
HJS-no i really haven’t.
KMG-eww. what marriage does to a person 101.
HJS-i wouldn’t have noticed otherwise either
KMG-sure, says joshua hong who’s slept with every girl in his uni in the states
HJS-why hasn’t your sister found out that you’re texting me and given you said slap yet?
KMG-oh so you want her to find out that you’re pining for her love? 
KMG-you’re so down bad to get her attention huh
KMG-you just wish it was her texting you rn, and not me
KMG-you traitor
HJS-mingyu stop
KMG-you’re missing her so bad
KMG-and she’s missing you too
KMG-ugly missing
KMG-i can see the sadness in her eyeeees
HJS-i think it’s your soju talking
KMG-pls. i can handle my soju v well.
KMG-but you have to admit you’re missing her.
KMG-if you weren’t you wouldn’t have saved that photograph to your gallery
HJS-i didn’t
KMG-liar
HJS-accuser
KMG-cheater
HJS-dumbass
KMG-WHO’S CURSING NOW
KMG-soory this is yn if gyu was disturing you durig he meeing iapopogize. byew
That was a … chat that didn’t help at all. Now his mind is wandering even farther away from the discussion in the conference. 
And the photograph. 
You in tank tops would really be the death of him. Your silky flesh escaping through the loose edges of the satin tank, your short hair falling casually across your neck, covering up all the places he wanted to kiss. Your tiny mole below your left clavicle, and the way you were smiling, looking at the soju glass in your hand, eyes creasing and lips maroon. 
It makes him think of that evening in the pool when he had almost kissed you again, but only the devil in his head knows how hard he had controlled himself from pushing you against the wall of the pool with his chest, feeling your soft skin again his own, and your lips bright red from biting on them all day (they were chapped as he noticed from up-close). He was taller than you even in the pool, and it made him want to devour you even more. Your swimming suit had left nothing to his imagination, the pervert he was. 
He hadn’t planned on taking off his shirt that evening. But when he had started feeling the tingling in his dick after seeing the damp swimsuit clinging to your body, he had decided that two can play this game. 
And god, he had enjoyed seeing you flustered. It felt amazing to know his body still had that kind of effect on women, especially you. The last he had seen you check him out was several years ago, and even then, his blood had rushed straight to his dick when he had received your attention, just like now. Thank god you both were under water so his trunks didn’t give it all away. 
All the thoughts he had conjured up in his mind that night come floating into his mind now. Your husky voice after swimming laps in the pool. Your hair all damp and swept back from your face. Drops of water falling down your neck-
“Mr. Hong?” The lady next to him whispers, and he realises the entire hall has been staring at him. “Your thoughts on how Korea would like to be involved in the new cross-Pacific connectivity project?”
Fuck. Specifically, fuck you. Yes, thank you.
_
He has called you three times over the period of two days that he’s been away. Tiny calls, not lasting longer than seven minutes in all, but they still count as calls. He has also texted you a little bit, and sent quite a few photographs- a photograph of the brunch he had which had a lot of baked goods reminding him of you since you love baked treats; a photograph of the London Eye which he saw while travelling; a selfie in front of the Big Ben. 
And yet you were missing him. You knew it had to be that, because there was no other emotion to pinpoint at the steely ache you felt in your body, a longing for something, a desire to see someone, in vain. 
That had caused your outburst that night, when Mingyu had taken out soju and whisky and decided that it was the night to get drunk for the siblings. You were both emotional drunks, Mingyu slightly more teasing and funny than you, but you had straight up started whining about Joshua. Mingyu had, of course, texted him all about it but you had realised it a minute too late when you saw him shut up and focus on the texts on his phone, grinning smugly. You knew it wasn’t the person he liked, because he was specifically frustrated over how they were a goody-two-shoes, slept before 11 pm, and didn’t even go out with co-workers for dinner and drinks. They were a lawyer he knew through social circles, and although they had been talking for some time now, he had yet to make progress into their bedroom. 
“But I don’t mind waiting. Aaah, for them I’ll wait forever.” He had giggled, and you had punched him in the back. “Sure, let’s both see where this goes.” You wondered how long this puppy love would last.
You weren’t talking to Mingyu all day because of what he had done the previous night. Not just spread misinformation about you, but also send a photograph of you. You hadn’t been able to read the chats, he had snatched it away from you as soon as you had begun to read them, but you knew he had written enough to damage you when Joshua would come back. 
One more day, and your husband would be back. 
What did wives do when they missed their husbands? 
Call them for hours at night and sleep with their voice on speakerphone? Impossible, you lived in different time zones now. If you called him at night, it would be his afternoon, and if he called you at night, it would be your early morning and you’d be in no mood to sweet talk. 
Text more frequently? Again, not possible. There was only so much you would want to do without any expectation of reciprocation.
Send them gifts? A parcel from Korea to London would definitely take a day, if not more. The surprise would be lost. 
Send photographs? He did, but you never sent photos to anyone. Anyone. Not even Wonwoo, you were just too shy to send photos. And anyway, nothing special had happened to be worthy of sending photos. 
There was truly nothing to do to solve your crisis, but oh, it felt like despair. Two days turned into three, three into four, until you couldn’t wait to have him in front of your eyes again. On the last day, you knew from the clock that this was probably bedtime for him, and you decided to call him. Because he hadn’t called you the entire day before that, and maybe you wanted to hear his voice?
“Hello?”
“Hmm Y/N.” There it was, a voice sounding like mellow honey in a pancake, warm and sweet. “How was your day, Josh?” “Tiring? I’m getting ready to get into bed right now. Wanna switch on videos?” 
“Umm, I’ve actually just woken up so I had bed hair-”
Joshua is sending you a request for video call.
“Does it look like I care?” He grins as soon as you switch on your camera, showing him your frazzled hair. “I do! You see me only once in the entire day, I don’t want to look like a stray dog.” “You do look like a stray dog, but you’re cute.” Maybe it’s the morning laziness which hasn’t got off your brain yet, but you melt into his words. “You’re cute too. Your face is all puffy after a day’s work. Did you cleanse well?” “I did. I’m glowing even with the lights off, am I not?” He smirks, and you can’t say he’s lying. Even with the faint nightlight, you can see his features distinctly. He catches you stare at him for too long, and says, “Miss me much? Mingyu-” Your face scrunches up in irritation. “Ignore Mingyu! Ignore whatever he said that day. It was all misinfo. I swear.” “Aww now there, don’t pout.” You don’t even know you’re pouting, but you blush so hard.
It feels so fucking domestic. The bare minimum, and you’re melting into a puddle. It feels like you’ve come home, finally. 
“I’m going to eat kimchi jjigae today. I bought the perfume for Mingyu and he didn’t even like it, so I said I’ll take it back because he doesn’t deserve gifts. Then he started whining, saying that he doesn’t want to smell like you because then I’ll get confused between my brother and my-” you pause. You’ve never really said it out loud. 
He smiles, devilish but also kind. “Did he keep it then?” “No. I’ve got it back, you can use it. I’m never gifting him anything for Chuseok again.” “When is Chuseok, anyway?” “Next week. You have an entire schedule planned, don’t you remember?” 
And then the screen goes black for a few seconds, and then his face returns. 
“Hey, someone called. Sorry.”
“No no. Calling so late?”
“She’s actually a friend from college who saw on my twitter update that I’m here in London and wants to meet up.” You mouth an oh, and then he continues. “I guess she had called if we could go party now… you know, for old time’s sake…” he laughs a bit, and then continues, “But I said I’m too tired now, we can go for brunch tomorrow before I return home to Korea.”
You suddenly feel awkward. Out of place. Reminded that you don’t even know him properly, and you shouldn’t dream of waking up with him in the same bed in matching nightclothes. 
“Oh, you could extend your trip a bit though? If you have friends you want to meet.”
“No, I just want to get back home and rest a bit. Next week will be hectic.”
“Hmm.” 
Then there’s a pause.
“Alright then, I’ll go to sleep. Goodnight Y/N!” And you’re waving him goodnight as he smiles through the camera, before ending the call. 
Reality has hit you, real bad. He was never yours. You’ll never be his.
_
vi. 
“But I could never lie to you
I'm going out my mind for you”
On his flight back home, Joshua misses you immensely. If he was being honest, he wished that you’d wait for him at the airport, so that he could hug you as soon as he lands- satisfying a craving to touch you that had haunted him while he was in London. But he knew it was too extreme an expectation. At max, realistically, he could expect you to greet him when he finally reached home after the fourteen hour flight, with a smile. Over the last few weeks he had felt your warmth grow towards him gradually, and thus, this was definitely a realistic expectation in his eyes. 
“Her Highness is at a meeting, she asked me to inform you.”
He was stunned at his secretary’s words. “At a meeting? I thought she was with her brother.”
“She is with the Royal Counsel, Sir. They are at a meeting together.”
“At 9.30 pm?”
“It’s a dinner meeting.”
“Why didn’t I know about this?”
“It was finalized just today morning S-”
“And since when are you her secretary too, Seewon? Or has her brother done something-” He sees Seewon’s eyes grow wide and he realises he has overstepped. But what is this searing feeling in his head? 
Frustration? Did he really expect you to be waiting there for him? It was absurd, he sees it now. It was absurd to think you treated him any differently than you did a few months ago.
“I’m sorry. I’m just- too tired.”
“Dinner is ready, Sir.”
“Can you get it to my bedroom? I’ll eat there and directly go to bed. I’m too sleepy.”
“Yes, Sir.” Seewon bows deep, but he is already walking away.
_
“It is for the best, Mingyu-ah.” You reason with your brother for the n-th time as he tries to convince you, futile efforts truly, to confront Joshua about the future of your relationship. “I know he doesn’t want anything to do with me. What we have now is… a nice companionship. We’ve both resigned to the fate that this is it. There’s nothing new going to happen in our love lives, and we’ve accepted it. As a teenager, we probably expected our love lives to be beautiful and magnanimous like in the movies, but this is reality. And you know I’ve never sought romance.”
“We all know why that is.”
“Huh?” 
Mingyu stares at you blankly across the table, his eyelids drooping slightly from being tipsy. His shirt is nearly off, the alcohol heating up his body, and in his longer hair, his face looks eerily like yours. Seeing him like this makes you feel colder, and you hug the cardigan closer to your body.
“Wonwoo and I were together. When we found your diary entries about Joshua.”
You’re speechless. How had Wonwoo emitted this very important detail about the biggest secret of your life?
“Hey, Y/N-ie. I know I’m not as close to you as Wonwoo. He was a better friend to you than I could ever be, although we are of the same age. And I know he’d be able to explain this better-”
“Kim Mingyu.”
Now he’s speechless. 
Never in his entire life have you called him by his full name, except when you were really frustated over failing your midterms when he had topped the class or when you had suffered the wrath of your parents when it was actually his fault.
“You knew?”
He gulps. 
“How come you never said anything to me? I can’t believe Wonwoo- that fucker- that-”
“Hey!”
“No, you don’t get it! I’ve- I’ve kept so many secrets for him. It was our pact you know- never spill secrets. And never keep secrets from each other. I told him everything and he- Oh my god. What else do you know? How much has he betrayed me?”
“Y/N-ie. He didn’t betray anything. It was purely an accident that I was there in the room when he started reading it out aloud. None of us knew what was coming as we started reading that page. And then he swore me to secrecy, and made me promise never to tell you. Made me swear on my face too, can you imagine?”
But you were not in the mood for jokes. Angry, hot tears started rolling down your cheeks. It was truly an uncalled for meltdown, but the tears seemed to be a long time coming.
“I can’t believe you know it. I’m so pathetic-”
“No, aaaah-” He shuffles closer to you, somehow patting your hair, before you smack it away.
“Don’t touch me, Kim Mingyu.”
“Okay, sorry. But Y/N. I don’t think you should be so mad at Wonwoo. In fact I had totally forgotten about it, until-”
“Until?”
“Until Wonwoo said how he was considering proposing to you, to be his Royal Consort.”
You look up at your brother. 
“You know why he had proposed.”
“I do. I just thought… maybe if I were him, and if I knew my best friend was in love with my brother-”
“I am not! In love! With his brother!”
“Y/N-aah.”
“It was a teenage thing! A crush! It happens! Hell, Mingyu, you fall in love every week. You don’t have the right to call me out like this!”
“I’m not. But that’s because- that’s just who I am, you know? I feel butterflies and I go for it. I don’t think about it. But you, you’re different. You think twice, thrice, a hundred times, before even feeling something. For the longest time, I thought you didn’t have a heart, you had two brains.”
You scoff a mirthless laugh. “And yet I’m the one stuck in this ugly marriage. How stupid of me. I’m torturing a whole man to fulfill some broken childhood wish of mine- something I don’t even feel anymore. That’s honestly the most pathetic thing in the world.”
“Hey!” Mingyu really wraps his arm around your shoulder now, and unwantedly, you cave into his touch. His body is warm and it feels safe. You haven’t hugged him in a long time, you realise. Wonwoo had always been your cuddling partner, by your side through long days and nights. Wonwoo had been your best friend and so much more. Perhaps your true soulmate. 
Wonwoo.
The thought of him brings fresh tears to your eyes, and you’re shaking violently in Mingyu’s arms.
“Y/N. Can you stop beating yourself up? First of all,” you raise your head to look at him, but he shuts you down, “listen to me for once! First of all,” he starts again, “I think you do like him. Maybe it’s not your childhood crush continuing for so long. But somewhere, you do like him. It’s like- a longing you’ve been craving for so long, and now that the sight ebbs closer to you, you can’t help but walk towards it even more.” You look at him again, tears drying up. When did your silly brother become so poetic?
“Second point is. You really shouldn’t beat yourself up for this. He’s - he’s not getting tortured, that’s for sure. He seems really happy to me, and I can read faces well.”
“No, Kim Mingyu, you’re dumb as fuck-”
“No, that’s just what you think! Because you’re my sister. I’m actually very smart. Just like I never think you’re smart, even if you’re a double masters graduate now.”
You sigh. Maybe this was true.
“Anyway, what I’m saying is. Shua hyung doesn’t seem tortured. He talks to me fondly about you, whenever we talk. Yes, he was initially very hesitant. But you know why he was-”
You’re staring at him hard, waiting for him to continue, but he just gulps. Then his eyes widen, and keep widening. Suddenly, he jumps up, and starts jumping in tiny movements. 
“Mingyu, have you finally gone mad?”
“He thinks you’re in love with him!”
“What are you saying?” Your jaw drops. “Mingyu, I think you’re really drunk, you should just-”
“Oh my god. Wonwoo Wonwoo. Aigoo, he thinks too far ahead of this time, don’t you think?” 
“What are you saying, bro-”
“Even after his death-”
“Do you mean he forethought his death too?”
“No! I mean, of course not. Just. The way things turned out. He really set you up with fate. A true best friend, aah,” leaving you still confused, Mingyu pours the rest of the soju bottle into his glass and drinks it in one go. 
“I’m going to bed. I can’t tolerate your nonsense anymore.”
“Hmm, goodnight. Sleep well, cutie sister.”
You throw him a dirty look, and have half a mind to kick his face, but then you feel too tired and you waddle back to your bedroom.
_
It’s only the next morning that you see his texts and missed calls and call him back. He’s been waiting for the call for hours now, so he picks it up as soon as it starts ringing.
“Y/N!”
“Oh, good morning!”
Your voice sounds groggy. Were you drinking?
“I was w-worried,” he stutters, “Where were you last night?”
“Oh, last night? With Mingyu.”
“Oh. I thought you’d gone for a meeting?”
“Yeah, after that. It was a good one, I’ll send you my notes later. I’m too hungover right now, sorry. Was there anything you needed from me? Any work stuff?”
Your voice? A hope to see you returned to the palace when he wakes up in the morning?
“Nothing. I was just, like I said, worried.”
“Aaah, you shouldn’t have been. I have bodyguards you know. They left me only after they saw me going home with Mingyu.”
“Hmm.”
There’s a pause. He wonders if he should bring up the question of when you plan on coming back. He wonders if you’ll ask him anything about the flight. He wonders if he can ask you what you and Mingyu have been drinking so much over.
“Please don’t worry on my account. Mingyu and I…  had some things to discuss. I’ve cleared up my schedule today. I hope you didn’t need me for anything-”
“No. No. Of course not. Enjoy your day.” Even if I won’t.
_
“Kim Mingyu? Where are you?” As soon as your call with Joshua ends, the painkillers start their magic, and you remember bits and pieces of your conversation last night with your brother. You walk towards his room, but alas, you find him still sleeping in his bed, naked except his underwear, evidently too hot after getting all drunk. 
You slap his back sharply, and he jolts up with a groan. 
“Kim Y/N!”
“What nonsense were you saying last night? Tell me now, if you have the guts to tell me when sober.”
“Huh?”
Five seconds. 
Ten seconds. You give him a glass of water. 
Three minutes. You get him painkillers. 
Ten minutes. He brushes his teeth.
Thirty minutes, you’re both awake and sober. And yet, radio silence.
“I don’t know.”
“What?”
“I don’t remember. What were we talking about last night?”
“Yah! Kim Mingyu! You weren’t that drunk!”
He tilts his head from side to side, putting on a show to recollect, but his face is still blank. You have the urge to slap his head, like one slaps a dysfunctional remote to make it work again. But you fear it’s going to damage his few brain cells forever and irreparably.
“I really don’t remember. I just remember… talking about Wonwoo.”
“Mingyu did you drink after I went to bed?”
“Yes, but that’s-”
“Fuck. No wonder you’re out like a light bulb. Did you finish the entire bottle of whiskey too?”
“Hmm, but-”
“Fuck man! Now I can’t even be sure of my own thoughts.”
“So even you don’t remember! Sucker!”
“No I do! But I was just… wondering if I was delusional or if it was real. Mingyu, try and think hard.”
“Umm, I can’t really think so much so early. And today’s a holiday, for fuck’s sake. Can’t a man relax and wake up on a holiday?”
He huffs and walks out of the room, his hair sticking out weirdly. Oh, your brother. Now you have to verify if the nonsense he spewed last night was indeed true or not. And there is, of course, only one way to do so.
_
vii.
“Turnin’ me up and back off like this
What do you want? Do you not like it?”
He had to know. Joshua Hong had never felt the pangs of curiosity so wildly as he did now. It was too much to bear. This suspense. These mixed signals from you. This wild fluttering of his heart that he had to forcefully drown out with the rational thoughts from his brain. Not a moment of bliss and yet so much happiness even in this riot.
“Can you make a cute pose for me?”
You stare at him, and then at the camera. “What?” Your reaction makes him smile. “Cute pose!” “Yah! I’m the Princess, not an idol! Why should I make a cute pose!” “Because that’s your vibe! All the media goes wild for your cuteness. That’s why you’re so popular with the young people of our country.”
“I’m popular because of my personality. I’ve raised Mingyu, okay? I know how to deal with kids.”
He’s laughing out loud now, he doesn’t care if his bodyguards are suspicious of the whispered conversation the two of you are sharing.
“But I insist. Cute pose, please?” He winks cutely, his face full of aegyo. He’s always been good at this, the baby face among the brothers. The delicate boyish charm he never lost. The mature, serious look he never gained, unlike Wonwoo.
“Joshua. I’ve never done it,” you whisper back, slightly embarrassed.
“Umm, can you do a V sign for me?”
You do it, and extend your hand ahead of you. “Now bring it up to your eyes.”
You bring the hand to your eyes, and Joshua bends your fingers slightly to make it look cuter. “Cha! Now you’ve got it! Smile!”
He smiles for the selca, and you smile too. But your smile isn’t the real one he’s used to seeing. So he pokes a finger into your cheek, just to get a reaction out of you, and clicks the burst shot at the same time. 
He’s right. 
You blush, smile and laugh in embarrassed giddiness, all in the series of shots. It’s a small touch, far far shorter than anything he would like to do, insignificant, and mostly friendly. But the effect it has on his heart says otherwise. 
At least now he has the shots the PR team asked him to prepare.
“Are you going to send that photo?”
“Of course not if you’re not comfortable!”
“No. That’s… okay. I just think it makes us look too… childish. Not the image the PR team would want to project of us, no?”
“You’re right. I’ll not send it. Sorry, I just wanted to make you comfortable and smile.”
“Pulling my cheek was your idea of making me comfortable?” You gasp, in mock anger.
He leans in, ignoring the way your eyelashes are fluttering from his sudden closeness.
“Did it work or not?”
Your shy smile is the answer he needs to satisfy his curiosity for now.
But the ugly demon never rests, and his mind remains wildly distracted for the rest of the day. Your photoshoot may have been over a long time ago, but he can’t get his mind over the photographs. He’s thankful you let him keep the photograph where his finger touches the soft pulp of your cheeks. It seems like the only thing he can look at right now. 
_
It’s just been six hours since you’re back in the palace for good. Your mind keeps going back to your conversation with Mingyu, but you’re too afraid to approach the issue. You know it’s a hopeless cause, there’s absolutely no way what Mingyu was hinting at was correct. He’s a real dumbass about feeling something, definitely a TJ and not an FP, since he was so shit at perceiving and interpreting feelings. He must have been going off on tangents which weren’t even realistic.
But somewhere within you, the curiosity burned you alive. It was hell, sitting next to Joshua at the council meeting, pretending to listen to industry experts talking scientific lingo which basically amounted to how the new slum restoration and water purification project needed more funding, but you kept thinking of the same loop of thoughts. The fact that he whispered to you little jokes about how boring it all was, his fingers sometimes brushing over the net stocking of your knees when he leaned in to hear you whisper back, drove you absolutely crazy. If his fingers slipped slightly, it would undoubtedly find out how heated your core was. 
Joshua and you have schedule after schedule, pending work which had been postponed for the trip, which had to be completed before Chuseok so that the festivities passed smoothly. When the day had started with you two eating breakfast together at a public place (actually a gimmick for media to cover it as a romantic date for the wife who missed her beloved husband) and clicking selfies to be released on his twitter, you had thought that was the end of your togetherness for the day. 
But it had seemed to stretch on, when Joshua insisted that you sit with him for all the meetings, to keep him updated on everything he had missed out on, now that you were much more deeply involved in the official world. 
“You have a secretary though?” you had chuckled, begging him to take the hint and releasing you from this trap. 
“Is it too much to ask for a friend by my side when I face the world?” he had all but pouted, and you had, of course, melted.
It reminded you eerily of what Wonwoo had said when he had proposed you. Brothers did think alike, you think, as you flip the pen over and over waiting for the current presentation on tax revenues to get over. You had already thought of questions in the first few slides, realising some loopholes early on, and now the rest of the presentation is predictable. You are, however, waiting for the presentation to end to pounce with your questions, when your eyes go to what Joshua is scribbling on his notepad.
“Hey, I thought of the same concern,” you whisper, showing your own notes on your tablet. 
“Telepathy?” he winks at you, and you smile lightly. “The Prince is too cheerful today. Why all the jokes? Did London steal my serious Joshua?”
He leans in slightly closer, until all you can see is his eyes. 
“I missed you. It’s good to be back.”
Then he leans away, and almost on cue, the presenter opens the floor for questions and his secretary prepares the mic for him to speak into it. Your questions are all forgotten, your notes forgotten, so all you can do is stare blankly ahead until your mind registers what he just said.
_
viii.
싫어 하면, 싫어지면 좋겠어
좋아하는 마음을 멈추고 싶어
“If you hate it, I hope you hate it
I want to stop liking you”
It is two days before Chuseok, but there’s a somewhat half-hearted excitement in the country. It seems like everyone is feeling the same way as you. You’re all reminded of how Wonwoo had suddenly left your side last year, exactly 365 days before this. 
Your recent visit to home had actually worsened the incisions your thoughts about Wonwoo made to your heart. It had been fun to curse him for betraying your secret to Mingyu, but deep down, as the date kept approaching, you could not bring yourself to sleep at nights. Every waking moment, you felt the same pain jarring your body as you imagined Wonwoo must have felt in the moment of the car accident. 
Mingyu and you had drunk every night for the same reason. When you had come home, you had realised soon he was not quite the happy spirit you knew him to be. And when every conversation of yours led to nostalgic memories of the past, somehow centering around the one friend you both had loved so much, but never really talking about him directly, you realised he was grieving too. He knew how to hide it far better, but you wished he would break the dam for you. 
And he did. 
All it took was playing the album that Wonwoo had bought for you and Mingyu to celebrate your 18th birthday, the first album all three of you had liked (an utter shock since you had disparate music tastes), and Kim Mingyu was a wailing, blubbering mess. His head on your shoulder as you hugged him, urging him to take it all out, even though snot was all over your sleeve. But it felt relieving to see him free his own heart, for you knew Wonwoo hated it the most when Mingyu tried to hide his feelings and thoughts.
“How do you think he is doing?”
“An angel like him must be doing well, Gyu-ah.”
He had nodded, and you both had silently listened to the album on loop. 
It was an album about loss. All the songs definitely hinted at losing a loved one. Some could think of it as a romantic loss, but you and Wonwoo had always thought the singer was speaking of losing anyone close to you- a friend, a family member, any beloved human being, or even a pet. It was so fitting for the moment, and you cried too. Ultimately you both had fallen asleep on the couch, for the first time in forever, the two of you on the same couch, cuddling in a desperate attempt to comfort each other.
Once back in the palace, the familiar comfort of your brother, both basking in the shared shadow of grief, was absent. This was an environment you still hesitated to call home, in spite of spending a huge amount of your life between these walls. 
Because there is no longer a spectacled calm sea of love called Wonwoo by your side to tie you in during the high tides of anguish, pain and nervousness. To set you free from the clutches of overthinking and the burdens of your own intelligence. To help you escape from the depths of your mind and heart, and see the world that was beautiful without any dangerous inhibitions. 
There is another person sitting next to you now, kneeling before the elaborately framed, smiling photograph of Wonwoo that is before you, surrounded by candles and flowers as the Royal Family pays their respects to the death of their maknae. Not just the King and Queen are shedding tears, the thundering sky too seems to be crying too and drowning away the tears of the world with its louder downpour. You want to be stoic, but the wetness on the rim of your eyes are unavoidable. But there are no tears in Joshua’s eyes. His eyes are dark, full of an emotion you cannot place, and suddenly you feel very distant from him.
It is this feeling, primarily, that sets off the tears in you more wildly. The only person you expect to be on your side now seems to be so far away, and it seems so cruel that you cannot help the sudden tears that escape you now. The distanced coldness in Joshua is gone as soon as he sees you in this state, reaching out to hug you, but you can't control yourself. He pulls you in one corner, thankfully, and pats your back until you’re more yourself. 
“How are you holding up like this?”
He has the audacity to shrug and break your heart even more. What cruel curse is this that the person you loved the most has not only left your side, but now there is someone you’re left with, who will never love you?
“I’ve been training myself to harden my heart. I cannot cry before my parents, they need me to be strong.”
“But what about yourself?”
“It doesn’t matter what I feel.”
“It does to me.”
He looks up at you, you’re still cowering next to him, your knees pulled up to your chest as you hope to feel warmer.
“There is something comforting in knowing that I’m not the only one who feels like their heart is being broken to pieces by a hammer.”
He winces, but puts a hand around your own.
“If it means anything, it does feel like that to me too. Probably not as bad as you though.”
“But you’re his brother. You’ve known him for longer than I have.”
“But there is nothing stronger than the loss of a lover. Not even the loss of a family member.”
Then someone calls out for him from the crowds, and you’re left to yourself again, as you try to make sense of what he said.
_
“This is the album we used to listen to all the time. Wonwoo, Mingyu and I.” You show him a faded album cover, and he reads the title. 
“Can I listen to it, if you don’t mind?”
“Of course. I wanted to share it with you. Shared grief, you know?” You chuckle, as Joshua goes up to play the album. The first few songs are not even remotely sad, but he can see a tear rolling down your cheeks already. You jerk away the cup of cinnamon coffee from yourself, to prevent it from becoming salty.
When it finishes playing, Joshua lets out a long sigh he doesn’t even know he’s been holding in. This really confirms it for him. It breaks his heart a little more, although he’s known this for years, probably, but it still hurts.
“It’s a very moving album.”
“Hmm. The lyrics are almost poetry.”
“Yes. The way the singer describes the grief of losing a lover…. No wonder you could feel it so deeply.”
You’re looking at him funnily, and he raises an eyebrow.
“It’s not about losing a lover. I think it’s about losing any person who was close to you… the feeling of missing a beloved is not limited to romantic relationships, you know? Do you not feel the same way? Your calmness scares me.”
“No, I… I don’t know how to feel. It does hurt, a lot. But… somehow, the last year has been very hard for me. It’s changed the way I feel things, I think…”
And then you hug him, your fingers squeezing his shoulder blades. You’re impossibly close to him on the sofa, but he can’t hug you back. Not when you’ve literally shown him the album right now.
Not when he knows it for sure that his love for you will be forever unrequited.
He can speak again only when you shift away from him again, breaking the hug.
“Y/N, I… This was the world I wanted to avoid the most. I wanted to run away from it so bad. I did everything I could in the US to convince myself and my family to let me stay away, to prove that I was better off living away. And I had selfishly, left everything to my little brother, who was suddenly pushed into all this without expecting it. And I feel like a terrible person. I don’t deserve to cry-”
“Hey! Wonwoo never thought like that. He knew your reasons, and he never once complained about them.”
“Did he speak to you about it ever? I just feel like a piece of shit for leaving him in the middle of it all, instead of being the reliable hyung he should have leaned his back on and enjoyed the youthful days of his life. I can’t help but feel-”
And he does what he has tried to avoid all day. He doesn’t know what triggers it- your pats on his arm, the way your eyes are glued to his, or the memories of Wonwoo finally flooding his rationale. 
“You’re not responsible for his death, Joshua. You deserve to grieve, but do not beat yourself up. He never complained about anything. If anything, he knew he was a natural at this.”
“But Y/N that’s no consolation! I failed him!” He’s positively bawling now, and you shuffle to take him in an embrace again. He fights it at first, whispering something about snot, but you only chuckle and pull him in closer. There are several moments of silence after this, while he continues to sniffle in the crook of your neck.
“The days after he left, they were hell for me. I would hallucinate, I think. I saw him in my dreams, when I woke up I would call out his name, while eating or doing any work I would talk to myself, addressing myself with his name. Everyone thought I was going to lose my mind, but then… I reeled myself in. My stronger sense of intelligence stopped my emotional senses from losing it all.”
“You’re very strong, Y/N. I don’t know what I would do if I lost my lover.”
There’s another moment of silence. Joshua feels his heart beating fast, but then there is another heartbeat bursting in his ears, and it’s way faster than his. 
He realises it is yours. 
“Wonwoo and I… were never lovers, Joshua. I don’t know why you keep thinking that?”
Suddenly, his world is spinning. Joshua Hong doesn’t know what to say.
“What?”
He moves his body backward to look at you, to see if you’re fucking with him. It’s a cruel joke-
“Wonwoo and I were never in love. Romantically.”
“But you were engaged?”
He sees you take a deep breath in, and his eyes are bigger than the sun as he waits for you to answer. It’s a do-or-die moment for him. He keeps searching your eyes for any sign of a joke, but you look dead serious.
“That’s because… because Wonwoo was gay. He liked my brother. But he could never come out before the world, he knew he would die by public guillotine if he did that. So he decided to do the next best thing to marrying the love of his life. He decided to marry his best friend. That’s all.”
“Marrying his best friend? Wonwoo gay?”
“Yes,” he’s definitely delusional right now. He’s hearing all sorts of bullshit. This is why he was reigning in the tide. Too many tears and he’s light-headed. Drunk in his own pathetic feelings.
“He asked me about his dilemma, and what he was thinking of doing as a solution. We agreed to it as the best thing. I would support him in this tough journey, he knew that. And I knew that it was better to marry him than spend my life in an arranged marriage because I was not even looking for love-”
“Not looking for love?”
It’s your turn to look like your breath had been knocked out of your lungs, but you quickly recover, when you whisper to him, your voice suddenly far softer.
“Joshua…”
“Why did Wonwoo spoil your chances of finding love? You could have found love, you know?”
“Not when the only man I have ever loved was millions of miles away from me.”
No, he’s delusional for sure. It can’t be- no- never…
He sees you freeze, standing up, and suddenly the room is too cold in spite of it being the middle of September. Your body steps away from him, but he can’t move. Can’t seem to get a word out of his mouth, not a single thought in his mind. 
“Oh. I fucked up, didn’t I?”
And then you sprint, shutting the door behind you, and Joshua still can’t move a limb.
_
ix. 
“I love the way that you're designed
Love thе way we intertwine
Still don't need a rеason why
You're beautiful and now you're mine”
It seems like an eternity before you can stop crying. An eternity of unrequited love is burning itself down to atoms in your heart, and your whole body seems to be out of control. It’s been a long day, worn down by the grief of losing your friend, and now the pain of ruining the one friendship you had left.
As a teenager, you had anticipated this moment several times. Especially during the sleepless summer nights, when you would wonder how it would be if you ever confessed to Joshua. You had almost done it too, on so many occasions which kept floating to your brain now. When he had come to see you at your first debate finals in school, and he had hugged you after you had won, and treated you (and Wonwoo and Mingyu, who were your teammates) to bulgogi japchae and fried chicken. When he had patted your hair after you had scored your first goal in football, one of the many games you played with the boys. When he had given you the extra piece of dumpling from his plate because there were no more left and you had just remarked that it was the best dumpling you’d ever eaten. 
You are so lost in your own thoughts that you miss the footsteps behind you. A shame truly because Joshua is extremely loud in his running. Anyone in their right minds would be able to hear him from miles away. But not you. Your mind is blocked too much with echoes of your own voice, pathetic as you must have sounded when you had confessed your silly little infatuation. 
An infatuation that had lasted the struggles of time. 
All the lies you had always said. Not looking for love. Focused on my career right now. Too busy to date. I don’t believe in soulmates and that shit. All excruciatingly stupid excuses to hide the ache your heart made even after years, just at the thought of Joshua Hong. Even when you knew very well he was way out of your league and too far away, physically and emotionally from you, you had chosen him over any other person up your way. That fact in itself was so wretched: you had, like a fool, chosen him over and over, giving up any opportunities to embrace a now that would gratify the innate human need for romance, in hope for an extremely uncertain future. Over Yoon Jeonghan, who had fluttered his pretty lashes and drawled in his cherry sweet voice- but you were insecure that he was way more beautiful than you, and the only reason he was going on dates with you was to boost his ego about his own beauty. Over Xu Minghao, the calm, witty and incredibly romantic boy who matched you in every way possible, almost designed to be your soulmate by your own admission- but even the easily affectionate days you enjoyed with him in your college days had been overshadowed by the flickers of hope that one day, you would make Joshua’s heart race in the same burning, desperate way he still made yours race. 
Your body is exhausted from the overdrive. 
You’ve cried too much, it’s sucked out all the moisture from your system. You’ve not eaten in hours, and the pain of your heart is overcoming you in whole. So you let sleep take over you, expanding the memories to erase any sense of consciousness you retained for so long in vain.
_
Sickening how you’re dreaming of him even in your sleep. It’s extremely hazy, but you see his face smiling down at you, the dawn covering his features with shades of pink and orange that make his eyes glitter even more brightly than usual. 
He’s an angel, you think. 
Except your body is feeling too warm for it to be a dream. His smile seems to grow wider, and you can slowly see more of his face. 
Then he bends down to kiss your forehead. Then you’re asleep again.
_
When you finally wake up, he’s still staring at you. The slow breaths you take and release as you sleep so calmly in his lap, your head ever so lightly shifting from time to time. The edge of the wooden bench pokes his waist, but he would bear anything to see you sleeping in his arms like this. He can scarcely believe it, and he’s afraid that if he moves even a bit, it will disappear, like a myth he had gaslit himself into believing. 
So when you finally wake up, he can’t help but smile at you. The smile that’s been stuck on his lips ever since he realised seven hours ago, that you loved him back. That he was not an absolute fool in hoping he could make you his. That he was not the only one whose heart burned with the desire to touch you every time he saw you. 
He finally understood your point about shared grief. 
As the stars disappeared when the sun rose, he quietly prayed to Wonwoo. It was mean and selfish, to be grateful to him for bringing you to him by giving up his life. But he was able to ignore the demons in his head by thinking that the kind soul Wonwoo was, he had always brought you to him, he was the only one who had pushed you away in spite of his unending efforts. 
Hyung, can you come watch our debate finals? Y/N and Mingyu are also here…
Hyung, let’s call Y/N for your birthday too! She’s your friend too…
Hyung, can you help me choose which photos to post for Y/N’s birthday? I can’t choose, she’s too cute in all of them…
And he had saved all the photos. You were not just cute in all of them, but also the most elegant and beautiful lady he had seen. He was sure he found it harder than Wonwoo to pick just three photos, but he had to suppress the storms that blast his heart from time to time whenever he thought of you.
To think that you were in his arms now, waking up on a beautiful, clear, warm morning, your soft body shifting against his own. Your bright eyes finally opening to see him, as he continues to smile at you, urging you to wake up so that he could finally see the stars in your eyes, although they were long gone from the skies. 
“Good morning, princess.”
_
You’re hallucinating. Or you’re just still sleeping.
But it feels too real. Joshua’s warm body engulfs you as you wake up. 
“Good morning, princess,” he says again when he thinks you haven’t heard him. Oh, but you have.
“Joshua?” your voice is cracked, from sleep and tears. 
“Yes, Y/N?”
His voice is like honey dripping from a fountain of all things sweet and delicate.
“What are you doing?”
“Looking at you?”
“What? Why?” you’re genuinely confused as you try to get up, but his strong arms prevent you, and keep you trapped in the warmth of his soft lap.
“Because I’ve waited for thirteen years to see you wake up in my arms. And I’m not letting go now.”
You have to sit up now, so you resist his arms, and sit up, your body twisting to face Joshua. 
“What are you saying, Joshua Hong?” A single tear rolls down your cheek, fighting the urge to smile before you’re fully convinced this is real.
“I love you, Kim Y/N. I have, forever. Ever since I realised what love is. I never-”
“What?” Your jaw is open, so he smiles at the sight.
“I never imagined you would like me back.” His voice is softer as he leans closer to you.
You touch his cheek slowly, hesitantly, before completing placing your palm on cheek as he leans into your touch. It’s not real. No. You’re…
“Are you for real?” He smiles again, that angelic smile. 
“Is it that hard to believe?”
“Are you kidding me? Joshua! Please don’t joke with me. I’m dead serious!”
“So am I!” His eyes go wide, and you know now for sure.
It’s still so unreal, that you’re suddenly overcome by embarrassment and you hide your face in his shoulder. He chuckles, a melodic sound.
“Y/N, will you have me as yours?”
You can’t even look up at him, unable to look at the way he’s looking at you. The loving gaze in his eyes that makes your stomach somersault. You better get used to it, Y/N, you tell yourself. 
“As long as you want me as yours.”
“Always have, princess. And always will.”
_
x. 
“Spend a summer or a lifetime with me
Let me take you to the place of your dreams”
The next few days are a dream. A dream you had never dared to dream for longer than five seconds. But now, it seemed to engulf your entire existence. 
For loving and being loved by Joshua Hong is a happy heaven beyond imagination. It’s waking up, in his arms for the first time, on wooden benches in the lawns. It’s waking up next to him, in his arms again, as the sun catches your eyes and breaks your slumber. It’s waking up to the scent of rose and vanilla, which you think is his natural scent even without any perfume. 
It’s also sleeping in his warm embrace. It’s sleeping with minimal clothes but still feeling hot in the night because of how closely your bodies are entangled. It’s sleeping with your faces touching each others, so close you’re breathing in the carbon dioxide he is exhaling.
It’s an elixir that adds a million years to your life. 
It’s a honeymoon phase you know will never end. Not as long as Joshua Hong looks at you with the edges of his eyes crinkling up in explicable fondness, when you explain to him why it’s not correct to use each other’s toothbrushes. Not as long as he kisses you all over your neck and shoulders, complaining about how you had teased him for months in your tank tops. Not as long as he knocks out the breath from your lungs whenever you look at him, and you know that’s a feeling that’s never going to go away.
Or maybe it is just the happiness of Chuseok that permeates into you now, making you feel happier than ever.
_
Joshua knows this is what a dream coming true looks like. It looks like you wearing the softest, fluffiest yellow hanbok, designed to match with his own golden hanbok. Your hair is pushed back, revealing your full cheeks even more prominently, and when you smile, you look like the cutest strawberry.
As you walk up to him, still blushing, as the flashes of the cameras go off, he whispers, “You’re so beautiful, Y/N. I’m so lucky to be your husband.”
“Shut up! Don’t make me more shy than I already am.”
He latches his own arm to yours as you both bow to the crowds waiting ahead of you to open the celebrations for the day.
“I love it when you’re shyly blushing like that. Boosts my ego like nothing else.”
“God, Joshua Hong! You menace!”
“I know,” he whispers later at night, in your ears, almost a low growl, when you say the words again to him, but the annoyance in your voice is now overcome by a desperate neediness that not just boosts his ego but also shoots straight to his dick. For Joshua can’t think without his dick these days. Not when he strips you out of the hanbok, thanking god you had hidden up your curves all day, because if he knew you were wearing his favourite pearly white bra today, he’d not be able to function all day. Not when he kisses your nipples with growing fondness, having quickly realised how sensitive your breasts were. Not when his fingers slide easily into your wet cunt, almost like a habit now after the last few nights. 
He can cry thinking of how many times he’s imagined this, but when finally sinks himself into you, he loses it. Every fucking time he does it, he loses it. 
Tonight, he flips you to sit you down on him, and your eyes are going wide at the new angle, and you try bouncing on him, eager to make him feel good. And you are making him feel amazing, especially when he feels your breasts bounce on his face as he licks the valley between them. But he knows you’re getting tired with how many times his dick slips out when you raise yourself and you have to push yourself back again.
“Let me help you, baby.” And he thrusts himself up into you, causing a scream to leave your mouth, as you lean back against his knees. “You feel so good, Josh! Aaah- aah-” he cuts off your words and makes them into moans with his continuous thrusts. He whispers little words of encouragement to bring your orgasm faster as he feels himself getting closer with every little clench of your cunt. And when you finally cum, he shakes all over and cums into you too. Thank god you gave him the green light to fuck you raw, as you were habituated to your birth control pills. 
“I love you,” he says even later into the night, when he’s kissing you again, the post-orgasm bliss dissipating into a soft love that seals you both into a bubble of love that he thinks can never be broken. 
“I love you too, Joshua.” You kiss his forehead, and wrap your legs around him. As he feels his breathing stabilise against your own, he knows he wants nothing else from life.
582 notes · View notes
thechekhov · 3 months
Text
Dungeon Meshi Quick Reacts
CH.30 (Good Medicine)
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I kind of assumed that things would get worse from here...
...yeah, there's no 'but' to that. Getting Falin back so quick was too good to be true.
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Aren't those the ghosts Falin talked to? They could be friendly.
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"ee gads! a hairless little man!" I'd be frightened too if Chillchuck was suddenly behind a door I'd just opened.
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Chillchuck, buddy, less than 24 hours ago you threw a knife directly into a dragon's eye. You can take care of some worgs, right?
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Senshi's a card carrying member of the smells-okay-to-me-chief club.
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Orcs be like 'oh, dragon's gone? Hm. Curious' and then just carry on. Wouldn't you be worried that something took out the dragon? Could be even more dangerous than the dragon itself.
I feel like at this point Falin might be just that.
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MOUTH TO MOUTH RESUSCITATION!
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Marcille, I don't think you have a lot of options.
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......just realized those moose antlers are holding up her rack. Talk about a pushup bra. Damn. Respect.
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Wait go back to that "create monsters to do their bidding" thing again. Was that the little mini dragons or does that include larger monsters like the dragon itself?!
OR something that was IN the dragon, controlling its actions and make it act irrationally? Is that why the Sorcerer wasn't surprised to see Falin as a separate thing outside the dragon? Was the assumption that whatever THING it was had escaped and become Falin?
And for all we know... it kinda had. It had merged with her spirit....
Or maybe I'm way off.
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Congrats on the larger story plot! :D You're now in even more danger! Hoorah!
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Chillchuck, a normal person would just go 'I'm leaving, pay me'. You're giving yourself away, worrying for them.
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I can't hate him for the reasoning here. The deeper you go, the less likely you are to be found. The only person who cares enough about Marcille and Laios and Chillchuck to find their bodies are.... each other. So if they're dead here, they're likely dead-dead.
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I want to nestle into her bosom and live there as a little creature.
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Moreso than when she was literally in the gullet of a red dragon?! Come on, be reasonable. At least she's alive now. And remembers who she is.
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Ooooh friendly ghosts. Makes sense why Falin was so chill about them.
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All the more reason to believe there's something to be done!
Love the doggo yawning behind Chillchuck.
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He's a coward, but being afraid isn't necessarily a sign of weakness. It's a sign that you realize how dangerous a situation is. Cowardice isn't stupidity, no more than ignorance of danger is bravery.. I think the orc leader is maybe realizing he's not doing it for completely selfish reasons. Mad respect to her though.
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It WAS Falin, wasn't it? It wasn't as if it was a thing pretending to be her. She was there, and she was revived successfully, and then the soul confusion thing happened.
......damn. What a small holiday they got, before the next horrible thing happened...
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hey, Marcille is not dumb! She's got loads of braincells! they're just all focused on doing evil stuff and being gay.
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🎯
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That's right! It's just like you, Chillchuck!
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Was that... there before?
Oh, okay, no, it was. Hm.......
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This stupid man is about to full a Falin and jump out a window to go look for her, isn't he.
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Gods, this sucks for him so much. For all of them. Because they.... they WERE successful! They rescued Falin! They brought her back from the head! They DID that!
But now, instead of getting the reward of it, she's just gone. Is it better, because she's alive?
Or worse, because the threat is even more nebulous?
If they all died, would it be worth it?
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who's the coward...? he's ready to go back.
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For Falin, they went down there. They risked themselves.
For them, after talking to him only a bit, the orc leader went from 'hey, nice snack for my dog' to 'we're helping you get that girl back'.
It's about the CONNECTION!!! IT'S ABOUT HELPING EACH OTHER AFTER LEARNING TO UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER!!!
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springwitch26 · 6 months
Text
hots for teacher (melissa schemmenti x fem!reader)
part 2
summary: you've been infatuated with melissa schemmenti ever since you worked under her as a student teacher. what will happen when you meet again a few years later?
warnings: NSFW content, implied future smut (part 2 on the way??), praise kink, age gap idk
notes: hi everyone! my name is april, and this is my first ever fanfiction. i wrote this for fun and then decided to share it with the community, because i love the little gay women in my phone! i've been reading fics on tumblr for as long as i've been on the internet, so this is a strange experience for me. anyway, enjoy, and let me know what you guys think!
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tonight you looked sexy, and you knew it. you wore a sinfully short black dress with colorful butterflies. it was one of your favorites; it showed just the right amount and hugged just the right places to be tantalizing. your eyes were painted with thin black wings and soft, glittery eyeshadow that made you look like a sweet dream. your lips glistened and your hair was tied up in two dutch braids. you were a vision.
all this meant that you were not the least bit surprised when a deep, sultry female voice sounded from behind where you sat at the bar.
"it should be illegal to look like that in public."
you smiled coyly and turned around to face the stranger.
"why? see something you like?" when you turned to face her, however, you were met with a familiar face. it was a face you'd seen in your dreams time after time: your former boss, melissa schemmenti.
you had been assigned to work with melissa as a student teacher while you were in school for your teaching certification. at the time, she was teaching two grades simultaneously, so she was grateful to have you there to ease the burden. it didn't hurt that you were always so eager to please. you wanted to learn and become the best teacher you could be.
of course, your motives weren't entirely pure. you were attracted to melissa from the moment you saw her. you remembered it like it was yesterday: her flaming red hair was slightly messy from trying to wrangle her double class, and her glasses sat askew on her nose. then you came along and turned everything around. she would give you to-do lists, and you would finish them before lunchtime the same day.
"great job, hon! you're so good, don't know what i'd do without you..." she'd say each time, beaming with pride at her new prodigee.
"o-of course, ms. schemmenti. what else can i do for you?" you'd respond, blushing profusely at the praise and struggling to hold her intense gaze.
within a week of having you, melissa was caught up on all her work. she couldn't help but feel like you were an angel, or some kind of gift from god. whatever you were, she cherished you. as the two of you spent more time together, she started to want you more and more. every project, every conversation, every smile you two shared only added to your chemistry.
she had fun with it--teasing you with special pet names and praise, watching you get all flustered and squirmy. she knew you liked her back. you weren't the most subtle about your desire.
melissa would never act on her feelings, though. you were a doe-eyed twenty-something with big dreams, and she was your much older boss. getting involved with you would be too messy. but she always held out hope, even after you left abbott, that one day you'd meet again.
you studied melissa's sly smirk for a moment, in disbelief at your luck. it had been two years since you left abbott. you had your own big girl job now, and you were a bit more mature. there was nothing stopping you from acting on your desires.
"oh my god, ms. schemmenti! please, have a drink with me. it's been a while." you hoped you didn't sound too desperate, although you definitely looked desperate once you got a good glance at her.
her look was striking. your breath hitched in your throat as you scanned her form, dressed in red leather pants and a button-down shirt. her arms were visibly muscled, even through the jacket. the black button-down shirt she wore was unbuttoned just enough to tease her cleavage. around her waist was a thick black belt that you wanted to pull on. her fiery hair was tied back haphazardly in a high ponytail, just messy enough to be sexy. and her hands—god, her fingers were long and ringed and—
"whatever you say, kid," she shrugged and sat down next to you, giving you a playful smile. "and you can call me melissa now."
she had a mischievous glint in her eye, probably knowing how you felt just by the wanton way you stared at her. when she sat down beside you, you felt your whole body heat up. your thighs were almost touching from the proximity, and you could smell her intoxicating perfume with each inhale. feeling her body so close to yours had you more drunk than the alcohol. it didn't help that her eyes now roamed over your body shamelessly, taking in your glistening lips and lingering on your soft cleavage. you tried your best to play it cool.
you talked for a while, catching up on everything. you told her about your new job at a suburban elementary school, your volunteer tutoring on the weekends, your summers in the mountains. she beamed with pride hearing of your accomplishments.
"that's great, y/n! sounds like you're goin' places."
"thank you! i think i owe a lot of my success to my student teaching experience—everyone at abbott was great, including you. especially you," you looked at her with an intense gaze, feeling your desire catch up with you.
"you were such a passionate mentor. you just had this way of getting me excited..." you trailed off as you fixated on the stirrings of a smirk on her face.
"...excited about learning," you finished shakily.
"mm-hmm," she chuckled.
maybe it was the alcohol, or the simple fact that she was right next to you and seemingly devouring you with her eyes, but you became bolder then. you only had one shot at this.
"i mean, you really touched me in a way that nobody else could," you leaned in, dragging out your syllables for emphasis. "i worked so hard because i just needed to be good for you."
now she was the one shuddering. you had the upper hand, if only for a moment. but she quickly got her boldness back.
"i noticed that. always so bright and attentive. i bragged to all the other teachers about what a good girl you were." to top it all off, she punctuated her sentence by placing her hand firmly on your knee.
you thought you were going to explode right then and there. your skin erupted in goosebumps at her touch, and you spread your legs ever so slightly to indicate your consent. her face split into a smug grin and she began to crawl her fingers up your thigh, agonizingly slowly.
your response came as a shaky whisper. you were sure you must have soaked through your panties just from her teasing touches.
"it's good to know that you thought so highly of me. i looked up to you a lot," you said sheepishly. "um, i'm a bit embarrassed to admit it, but i did have a bit of a crush on you..."
"oh, yeah. that doesn't surprise me. don't be embarrassed, hon. you can't help what you feel," her hand had stalled at the midpoint of your thigh, and she looked at you with sincerity.
"it doesn't surprise you?" you asked, struggling to get the words out once she resumed stroking your thigh.
"i had my suspicions," she said with a knowing smirk. "i'm sharper than i look, ya know."
her darkened eyes sent shivers down your spine. you felt your core heat up at the humiliation of knowing she knew exactly what you thought about her.
"am i that obvious?" you asked, somewhat breathily.
"oh, sweetheart," she laughed. she leaned in close and you could smell her perfume, feel the warmth of her breath on your skin. her fingers pinched the skin of your thigh as she whispered to you. "you sat five feet away from me for months, always wearin' those little black skirts. you think i didn't see you rub your thighs together every time i gave you praise?"
her hand now caressed your inner thigh softly, teasingly. you failed to respond, trying to process her words but finding yourself unable to do anything but whimper almost silently.
"so soft here. mhmm," she husked into your ear. there was a hint of giddiness in her voice, as if she was pleased with herself for taking you apart so easily. "does that feel good, princess? do you like it when i touch you?"
"yes!" you said, almost too loudly for the public setting. "yes, i like it very much."
"good," she whispered as her fingers found the edge of your panties. your thighs spread even wider, and you let out a small gasp.
"we've got lots more to catch up on, don't we?" she continued, her fingers drawing feather-light circles over your clit through the fabric. you wondered if she could feel you throbbing for her. your hips bucked up to meet her hand, and she slapped your thigh in warning. "if you wanna keep talkin', we can head back to mine..."
you turned to her with big, glazed-over eyes. still whimpering, you nodded rapidly, earning a laugh from the older woman. she grabbed your hand and guided you out of the packed bar.
"i'm gonna wreck you, hon," she mumbled without looking back at you.
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eddiezpaghetti · 2 months
Text
It has come to my attention that SOME OF YOU who read my last Byler post remain UNCONVINCED. So I'm gonna tack onto it this:
I'm older than fucking God and air, and I've been out and proud since 2007. Yes, I know what homophobia is, and yes, I know what queerbaiting is. I know about Supernatural and Teen Wolf and Sherlock and blahdyblahdyblah. No new ground is being covered here. I thought I made that clear in the original post, but, clearly, I did not.
I am aware of queerbaiting and homophobia, and I'm still wholeheartedly certain in Byler being canon anyway.
Okay, so there are three types of relationship I want to discuss when it comes to queerbaiting. They're all, like, "queer relationships that could have happened, but didn't".
First off, queer-coding. This isn't really a thing so much anymore, but it still crops up every once in a while. I'd argue it probably happens most with male-male relationships in family shows these days. First example that comes to mind is Mr. Smiley and Mr. Frowny from Steven Universe. You can't make a relationship canon because some shitty overhead bastard overhead said no, so you get as close as you can without compromising the show. Can't make someone gay? Well, now their comedy routine is a blatant allegory for a romantic relationship. Boom-shaka-laka. This is something I don't see being a problem with regards to Stranger Things, but I want it to be there as contrast, a demonstration of one of many things queerbaiting is not. However, one could argue that, thus far, Will Byers is, canonically, queer-coded. It's pretty fucking heavily implied in the show, and the creators have confirmed it, and you're gonna be able to see it if you're not FUCKING BLIND, but word of god is not technically canon which means that interviews don't technically make something canon, blahdyblahdyblahdyblah, technicalities, Robin has been explicitly stated in the text to be queer while Will has, thus far, not, outside of good ol' Show-Don't-Tell. Of course, anyone with two brain cells to rub together can tell that that's going to change by the end of Season 5, but, hey, for what it's worth, I'm throwing this out there.
Alrighty, Thingamajingama Number Two: "Oops, I accidentally made the greatest love story known to man." AKA, a genuine, honest-to-goodness mistake. Unfortunately, we do live in a heteronormative society. Sometimes people who don't think about being gay much write a friendship that's incredibly compelling and don't even consider the possibility that it could have been read as romantic. Something something Top Gun something. This is, again, not queerbaiting. This is Steddie, this is Ronance, this is Elmax, this is your favorite flavor of non-canon ship this week, this is not Byler. The creators know DAMN well what they're doing. They've talked about it. We know this. Nothing new here.
Which brings us to the topic of discussion here. Actual queerbaiting. This usually starts out as an "accidental greatest love story", and then reacts to fan response. And when I say "reacts", I mean like a goddamn chemical reaction. Like bleach and ammonia, bitch. It's noxious and it's gonna kick your fucking ass without mercy. This is when a creator is like, "Hey, let's get our queer audience invested, but we're not actually going to give them what they want because our straight audience isn't here for that/we personally think it's gross/we don't give enough of a shit to want to research a goddamn thing to write a real gay character," blah blah blah whatever excuse they want to come up with this time.
And when you think "queerbaiting", I want you to think "bullying". Because that's what it is. It's lucrative bullying, like beating us up and taking our lunch money, but it's bullying all the same. And it's a real goddamn thing, even if people misuse the word a lot, often when they mean one of the two above, sometimes when they mean "bury your gays", which is another homophobic thing entirely that I'm not going to get into here. Queerbaiting is the thing we're focused on, and it's real, and it's bullying. And here's the reason I want you to think of it as bullying:
They
Think
It's
Funny.
They are actively making fun of us.
That's why Dean had the "Cas, get out of my ass," line in Supernatural. It's why the "Do you like boys?" line happened in Teen Wolf. It's why "Lie with me, Watson," happened in the RDJ Sherlock Holmes movies. Because "It's just a joke, mate." "It was just a prank, bro." "You didn't really think it would happen, did you?" "You should see your face."
So here's probably the biggest reason I don't think it's specifically queerbaiting in this specific instance of Will Byers and Mike Wheeler.
Stranger Things has never, not once, made a gay joke. Ever.
Every single time queerness comes up, it's dead serious.
Lonnie calls Will a fag, and the show is not at all reluctant to show what a goddamn horrible person he is. And when Hopper latches onto that, it's not as "Hahah, is he gay, though?" It's because he's trying to determine a potential motive for Will's disappearance, and even if someone had interpreted it as a joke, Joyce immediately has a line that functions as snapping her fingers in front of the audience's face and yelling "FOCUS" when she says "He's MISSING." Basically outright saying "This isn't funny!"
Troy calls him a fairy, along with targeting Lucas and Dustin for their skin color and disability respectively, and Mike gets damn near murderous. Troy is portrayed as a goddamn monster and the show portrays it as justice when El makes him piss his pants and later breaks his arm.
Steve calls Jonathan "queer" as a slur and gets the shit beat out of him for it.
Billy's father is revealed to be homophobic and abusive in the same breath.
Mike says "It's not my fault you don't like girls!" and we're shown how devastated Will is and Mike immediately follows him to beg for forgiveness.
There is a joke in Robin's coming-out scene, but it's not at Robin's expense. It's at Steve's. Specifically for being heteronormative.
Jonathan has multiple scenes where he's trying so hard to tell Will that he's always going to love him as he is, whether he's gay or not, without pressuring him to come out before he's ready.
Even when there's a little bit of ribbing at Robin's expense, it's always because she's an awkward nerd who's nervous around pretty girls, just the same as Lucas and Dustin are teased when they both first develop crushes on Max, and even then, even then, it always comes as a package deal where they make fun of Steve's girl problems at the same time.
Stranger Things is an emphatically pro-gay show. It may not be the core point of the show the way it is in, say, Our Flag Means Death, but there is nothing less than respect for its queer characters. Its queer characters are always taken completely seriously. No one is making fun of us. They never have. That's why I have serious doubts that this is queerbaiting. It would come completely out of left field for the bullying to start in Stranger Things' final season.
So it's not at all likely to be queerbaiting because queerness is taken completely seriously. The creators have talked about Will's queerness, at least, so it's not an accident. And queer-coding would be silly to expect from this show when it's already on its final season. Like, what is Netflix gonna do? Cancel it? Not to mention all the explicit queerness that's in there already. And no one's gonna "What about the children?" a show that's had sex scenes in it since the first season.
There's no fakeout here. It's gonna happen. Breathe.
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bo0tleg · 18 days
Text
GEMS MY FRIEND SAID WATCHING 'TOP GUN: MAVERICK' FOR THE FIRST TIME:
"The jacket! The famous jacket that pulls women, pulls men, pulls the world!"
"Oh look how hot~ he looks on that motorcicle. He's even pracing his ass!"
(Maverick, on screen: "Well... He's not here yet.") The mans madness has begun."
"MAVERICK DON'T DIE YOU STILL NEED TO HAVE YOUR GAY ROMANCE!"
"He lasted two months at Top Gun? HA. He probably was a bigger piece of work than the students."
"From what I can tell, Maverick tamed Iceman. In the first one he was the little annoying bitch and Maverick saw a challenge."
"I mean, at least these two (Penny and Mav) have chemistry. They hooked up in a plane, after all."
"Iceman solves his problems, Iceman keeps his job, what a simp. That's dog behavior."
"Maverick doesn't look likes he's flirting with her, he's just confused. His confused face looks like his flirting face, and people assume. I know this because people do it to me."
"Yeah, he's kinda like that one Olívia Rodrigo song that she gets confused when she sees her ex... What was it again?" ('bad Idea right?' by Olivia Rodrigo)
"I like him (Bob)! He's pathetic like me!"
"Oooohhh they're (Phoenix and Bob) gonna be besties! I can feel it."
(When Phoenix racks Rooster with the cue) "OHOHOHOOOO I LIKE HER ALREADY."
(Didn't notice Hangman taking Bob's cue, I relayed the information) "Aaaahhh don't steal Bob's cue. Bob's cool, Bob's nice."
(After rewinding the scene) "NO, NO, NO! WHO IS THAT? NOBODY CAN STEAL BOB'S CUE! I don't like him (Hangman)."
(Hangman, on screen: Bradshaw! As I live and breathe!) *Slowly turns towards me with dead eyes*
"That's not enemies to lovers, that's just enemies."
"With just this scene, I can tell this guy (Hangman) comes and goes. 'Sometimes I flirt with you, sometimes I hate you.' He's like a tsudere."
"Oh, got it. Phoenix is adopted into the man's group. She's a bro."
"I wouldn't say that they're his support system, but those two are the people that know him the best. Hangman is paying attention because he wants to be the best and needs to defeat Rooster. Phoenix is demonstrating a more sibling like worry."
"Hondo is like Mavericks babysitter."
"Oh. Oh, now Mav's flirting with her."
(Following the 'Baby on Board' comment) "Don't talk shit about Bob! I don't like Hangman."
"Maverick is like a step father to Rooster. Not in the 'HAHA I FUCKED YOUR MOM' kind of way, but in the way that he helped raise him."
"Where is Iceman? I'm here for the two of them, I don't give a fuck about Aeronautics."
"I think Ice and Maverick had a long relationship, but they're not together anymore. They maintained a friendship, but their lives probably went in different directions. I'd say they were together for 10, maybe 20 years."
('I ain't worried' by OneRepublic starts playing) "This song is from 2022? OH MY GOD THE SCENE"
"DON'T PLAY AROUND WITH GRANDPA!"
*Started chanting "BOB! BOB! BOB!" When he got picked up*
*Eeriely quiet during the bird strike, until Maverick starts talking to Rooster* "OH THEY'RE NOT DEAD. THEY COULDN'T HAVE KILLED BOB! IF THEY KILLED BOB I WOULD STOP AND NEVER WATCH TOP GUN EVER AGAIN!"
"Definitely 20 years. Ice is probably the only person Mav actually loved. Like, not a fling?" "Yeah, probably." "He's been with lots of women, and men, but Iceman is the only person he was ever in love with– maybe still is."
"I think his (Ice's) wife knows. That's probably why she recognizes Mav and is kind of friends with him." "That's probably why she just let him go up to see Ice." "YEAH GO AHEAD, FUCK MY HUSBAND!"
"It's pretty easy to notice that Snowman– No, ICEman."
"That is the face of a man who just lost the love of his life."
"Damn, the mans a beast. If It was me I'd already have cried, alone, in a room absolutely destroyed, never to come out again."
"He's got nobody, dude! I just want his step child to come back, because If he doesn't that man's gonna kill himself!"
"Why does it always have to have a romantic ending. Just leave him with his adoptive son. Go away."
"They (Penny and Mav) aren't going to end up together."
"I have a theory! Fanboy is obsessed with women! Cus he's 'Fanboy'." "But wouldn't he be called Simp, then?" "Ah, then he's obsessed with men." "... simp can be for men too."
"There's gonna be a Top Gun Three? Who's it gonna be about? It ain't gonna be Maverick, that man has a foot in the grave already."
"Bob is my favorite in the second movie. I have no favorites in the first one because everybody is very macho and very gay, and that's boring."
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emo-batboy · 1 month
Note
i'd like the chart thanks!
Also, there's another person who wants to rp Leo, can they?
Okay a few people are asking for the chart so here’s the current chart!! (I took out some characters that are still not as fleshed out. That includes Nathan, Ria, Nina, Ashley, Zoe, Ray, Maggie, and the hater and Metropolis characters, but they’re all filler characters rn)
A Wild Battinson Character Lore Continuity
- Felicity
- Oldest of the bunch, right between Millennial and Gen Z
- Works at an office, besties with everyone there. Corporate girlie (does use the term girlboss)
- Like if a Gothamite/Bruce Wayne fan was swiftie-coded?
- She has a pet pitbull, you know that kind of white girl
- Tatum
- Goth U, Comp Sci major
- Keeps everyone he knows online at arms length so we don’t know much, has a small close knit friend group irl but he’s also mutuals with everybody on twitter because he’s that kinda guy yk?
- But they’re slowly convincing him. He’s getting there
- Marzia
- Oh god poor Marzia
- Italian, born in Northern Italy, English is her second language but you wouldn’t be able to tell if it weren’t for her slight accent
- Biggest Bruce Wayne stan, will go feral, but only gets replies from him at the worst moments possible
- *snorts like cocaine* “Please don’t do cocaine” is my personal favorite
- Goth U, she gives art major vibes but tacked on a double major in psychology last minute so now she’s staying a fifth year
- Reads smut, writes smut, part of the poetry club, def on booktok, you know the type
- Alejandro
- Runs an ice cream stand in the park on the weekends when it’s warm enough
- Bi, Dating Leo (pfp is them holding hands because he’s a whipped son of a bitch)
- He’s like if that normal-looking kind of athletic guy who always wore sweatshirts and basketball shorts to class just suddenly mentioned he had a boyfriend one day.
- He’s straight-coded but more specifically “the straight guy that gay guys have crushes on against their better judgement”-coded
- Knew the whole time he was bi but never REALLY liked a guy until Leo 🥺. whenever he looks at Leo, he’s got those madly in love eyes
- Thinks Batman is hot and suffers constant torment from Leo (who has a crush on Bruce) because of it
- Ale just wants to be bench pressed is that too much to ask? But It’s his fault he’s a twunk dating a twink so—
- Goth U, Really interested in tech stuff but he’s actually a sports medicine major. He wants to be a physical therapist for athletes
- Cannot hold his liquor
- Smile Watch
- Who knows
- It’s a mystery
- Lela
- Goth Girl
- BFF’s with Nico (goth girl, e-boy solidarity)
- Also good friends with Natalie, they lined up all their gen Ed’s together
- Chill in a Morticia Addams kinda way. She is Morticia Addams actually
- Mom owns a convenience store, she helps out after classes a lot
- Studied for the MCAT, did pretty well, she wants to be a doctor (probably neurosurgeon but it depends on what internship she gets)
- Currently completing the undergrad to grad program at Goth University with a masters in public health
- Natalie
- Former intern, now ASSISTANT at Wayne Press
- Got the job because she impressed Bruce with her good reporting skills, now works mostly on organizing press releases and maintaining Bruce’s public image
- Great at her job because she knows social media and Bruce Wayne Stans the best (she is one obv)
- (Babysits Bruce when Alfred is busy, how did this happen, why is this her job now? She’s tired of his shit lol)
- Still technically working part-time because she hasn’t gotten her degree yet, but she’s set to work full time after she graduates Goth U in May
- Sometimes while sitting at her desk she just gets that perspective shift where she’s like “how did I get here” Bruce Wayne Stans’ dreams do come true
- Caleb 🤡
- Literally 18/19 but aging faster than humanly possible with the stress he’s under
- Used to work at Bat Burger, left because the babysitting gig required more time
- Lives with his aunt who’s already retired (used to live alone, she never had kids or a husband so she’s loaded) He’s staying cuz his parents are super busy and travel for work :) and guess what crime-filled alley their window overlooks? I’ll give you one guess
- Babysits Tim, used to be a less serious gig but his parents have been out of town a lot lately (just vacationing without their child 🙄) and thankfully Caleb lives right across from their swanky apartment so he’s practically a nanny now (read: older sibling/third parent)
- Took a ton of childcare courses for this job and now he’s kind of interested in working at a daycare maybe? If Tim doesn’t kill him in his sleep first
- Recently graduated Goth High, now takes online classes at Goth Community College while deciding what to do with his life
- Jarod
- Recently graduated Goth High, now taking a gap year before starting GothU in the fall. Him and Caleb were always in the same classes so they’re super close (they’re the youngest)
- Future Comp Sci/English major (he wants to be a video game writer)
- Has a younger sister, and technically the oldest child but spiritually he’s the middle child.
- His parents and Priyanka’s parents are close friends so he kind of grew up seeing Priyanka as an older sister. That’s why they’re Like That.
- Literally so fed up with Priyanka, it’s not even funny (yes it is) but the second you’re rude to Priyanka, he will deck you, watch yourself
- Katie (Sweater Thief)
- ER Nurse at Gotham General Hospital, mostly does night shifts
- Gives chronically online energy when she’s online, but everyone in real life wouldn’t suspect a thing because she’s so good at having her life together (the code switch will give you whiplash)
- Surprisingly older than most of the others despite being Like That.
- Literally graduated with a 4.2 GPA how tf?
- BFF’s with Leo then became BFF’s with Ale too after they started dating (she is slowly corrupting Ale and I think that’s beautiful)
- Creator of the Babygirl Bruce Wayne Agenda and PROUD
- Priyanka
- Works at coffee shop owned by her mom called Caffe Mood. She plans to run it one day. Currently a barista
- Goth U, business major (accounting)
- Bilingual, knows Hindi
- LESBIAN QUEEN
- Despite being gay, She is allowed to think Bruce Wayne is hot, that is her Right
- Mad fucking crush on Georgia, calls her Georgie. Intends to never tell a soul. Will fail miserably
- Dead fucking set on the idea that Batman’s a vampire
- But she thinks everyone’s a vampire so—
- Her parents and Jarod’s parents are close friends so she kind of grew up seeing Jarod as a younger brother. That’s why they’re Like That
- Jarod is constantly on her nerves, wtf Jarod (but be mean to him and she’ll kill you)
- Leo
- Works at bookstore called Gotham City Bookstore
- Gay, Dating Alejandro
- Twink (derogatory)
- Swears his gaydar is the most accurate there is (always wrong)
- Made being gay his entire personality because he had an identity crisis in middle school and proceeded to have a massive crush on some straight guy all of high school (that guy was Ale, Leo’s gaydar is so off)
- BFF’s with Katie despite being a few years younger. They were in a high school production of Sweeney Todd together and the rest was history
- Calls every single celebrity gay as a joke, Ale reigns him in if he’s getting too out of hand
- Used to have a mad celebrity crush on Bruce, still kinda (definitely) does
- Attends GothU, undecided for a while but ultimately settled on mathematics because it’s ironically his best subject
- One of those mf’s that needs to be held back at all costs, god help Ale
- Rose 🌹
- Works a tailoring job full time
- Good friends with Felicity, she’s like the black cat to Felicity’s golden retriever
- 70% super nice and chill, 30% wild card party girl
- Gets drinks with friends a lot, tweets when drunk but no one can tell the difference. It’s amazing
- Does not seem horny, is horny. But like normal about it? If that’s a thing
- Nico
- Kinda plays the straight man of the group if the straight man was emo
- BFF’s with Lela (e-boy, goth girl solidarity)
- KING of twitter roasts. He makes memes to end lives.
- Pansexual, single, and probably writing bad poetry in his diary about it but don’t tell anyone
- Goth U, actually dunno the major. Probs public health with Lela but doesn’t want to be a doctor. More like research parallel to social sciences
- Has a 8/9yo sister named Madelaine whom he would die for despite not expecting to be an older brother so late in the game (what were his parents thinking)
- Has tea parties with her and all that jazz. She steals his eyeliner and chain accessories all the time, also she’s friends with Dick and Barbie (yes, Barbara Gordon) so sometimes he watches over their play dates
- He’s a “tough emo boy” so he totally doesn’t laugh at Madelaine’s puns. He’s a bitch ass liar
- Kellyanne
- GothU, marine biology. Transferred from GCCC with an associates degree to save money but now she’s got a full ride cuz of the WE higher education fund
- More recent Bruce Stan
- Pretty poor upbringing, that’s how she met Bruce Wayne. He bought her whole family groceries one night after her card declined at the convenience store trying to buy dinner
- Now she’s in it for the long haul :)
- Lia
- GothU, fashion merchandising
- A GIRL’S GIRL
- Older sister also attends Goth U, but she’s in med school
- More recent Bruce Wayne stan, still not particularly in with the culture and jokes but getting there
- Friends with Georgia and Elizabeth irl. Elizabeth was in the same sorority before graduating first. Got to know Georgia after Lia found her dog with Bruce at the park outside GothU. They party together now
- Elizabeth
- Graduated GothU last May and worked an internship at LexCorp, immediately regretted it but snagged a job at WE (thank god)
- Now works as a research assistant at Wayne Tech in the R&D department for commercial products
- Didn’t really get the whole Bruce Wayne Stan thing until Bruce Wayne personally wished her a happy birthday?? The man is so sweet?
- Absolutely loves her job but still screams at rubber ducks over faulty code in her little cubicle, but that’s the industry she chose so it’s a give and take
- Met Natalie through Stan twitter and now they DM each other about working at Wayne Enterprises
- Doesn’t post much on twitter but follows the main Bruce Stan accounts, irl friends with Lia and Georgia
- Georgia
- Has a dog named Bean
- GothU, majoring in like three languages, polyglot (including Hindi 😏)
- Works at a retail home decor kinda store (home goods?)
- So lesbian-coded, but does not know it yet. Priyanka is her gay awakening. She is now a regular at Caffe Mood (She thinks she just likes the coffee (yeah right))
- Works at Goth U’s admissions department over the summer too
- Once got drunk and locked herself onto a roof by accident, ended up hanging out with Batman (he offered to break into her apartment for her but she said “nah”)
- Jane
- Works at Wayne Enterprises
- Runs bring your kid to work day (idk what her actual job is but she’s an Essential Worker, okay?)
- Very sweet, 10/10, looks on the bright side but never in a toxic positivity way
- Super social too, became work friends with Bruce because she’s nice but not draining to his social battery? They have lunch on occasion
- Watched the Graysons die with Bruce, call that trauma bonding
- Watched her toxic ex’s car burn to a crisp after a joker spree and took a selfie with it (she can have a little revenge, as a treat)
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AITA for not helping my family pay for hospital bills?
🎷🔥 so i can find it later
This is going to need a lot of context right off the bat. I (20'sM) am a gay man that comes from an extremely conservative family. My sister (20'sF) is also a lesbian and recently got married and adopted a child. I'm very proud of her, but that's not the issue.
My parents seem to have little to no issue with my sister marrying a woman. They do have a very big issue with me liking dudes, however. Like, it was the reason my parents got divorced "big issue." I'm not gonna go into everything, but my sister ended up with my dad and I stayed with my mom for reasons I'd rather not share.
Our last parting was on... less than decent terms. Upon finding out that I was of the homosexual variety, my dad flipped his lid. He called me several slurs and said some other very hurtful things, and even made moves to physically attack me. My mom, also a very homophobic woman, stepped in and thankfully talked him down. Then divorce, etc etc.
I saved up enough money to move out when I turned 18 and may have done some impulsive things including completely trashing my mom's bathroom, which I know I'm definitely the asshole for, but in my defense my mom kept "forgetting" to pick up my prescriptions and I was manic (I have bipolar). But, again, I know I'm the AH for that.
I now live with my two best friends R (20sNB) and P (20sM) in a house we all pay for. R comes from money so they help out a lot, and I love them both to death. We kind of have a sort of situationship but none of us are poly? Idk it's weird we're just going with it rn.
Anyway, I bring them up bc we all went to my sister's wedding together, and my parents separately chewed me out for bringing them (and for R daring to wear a dress. They're amab for context) and I obviously argued back bc hey they're my best friends and my sister specifically said it was okay for me to bring them (she and R are also friends and they wouldve been invited regardless of me bringing P) and also because R looks very good in a dress and i can handle them shit-talking me but i will not tolerate slander towards R or P.
At the wedding, I went full no contact with them and told them to lose my number. They, ofc, did Not lose my number and I got several calls from extended family saying about what you would expect them to say, so I switched numbers and gave only my sister and her wife my new number.
My sister. I love her to pieces but sometimes she gets on my nerves. She gives my number to my mom to have "just in case," but she reassures me that she won't give it to my dad or any other family. So far, she's made good on that promise, I just have to deal with periodic calls about getting a girlfriend and having kids.
Now, my dad isn't the healthiest guy out there. He has arthritis, osteoporosis, and several other things that i don't really wanna get into. As he's aged he's only gotten worse and there have been several times he's almost died, but recently he's been put on hospice and has an estimated Not Very Long to live.
Here's where I may be the AH. My dad calls me while I'm at a very important, personal event for R (he got my number from my mom) and goes on a long rant on how I'm an unlovable disgrace and how he fed me and clothed me and I could make up for all that by helping him pay off hospital debt. I say no immediately and tell him that he's never been my dad, only my dna donor, and that he's going to be dead anyway and that selling his house could cover all the bills. He calls me many more names and tells me he wishes I was never born (calling my mom some very derogatory names too (she's asian)) and that i should just go ahead and off myself to save the world someone like me. I tell him he should die faster while he's at it because God knows the world already has enough bigots in it and there could never be too many mentally ill queers.
I hung up, but now I'm thinking I went a bit too far. AITA for not helping out with his hospital bills and yelling at him?
What are these acronyms?
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bestpigeon · 1 month
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-Feelings he gives-
LUCIFER X MALE READER :))
Lucifers worker finally makes a move. How will Lucifer react?
Words: 1444
Warnings - kissing, gay stuff, swearing
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-Readers pov-
I was doing what I usually do. Clean. It's boring, but I need money. Plus, I would say it's an honour to work alongside Lucifer. He is the king of hell, after all. I do have to say that I may have a little crush on him. But that's our secret.
I mean, how couldn't you? He's handsome, strong, the king of hell, funny, single. He's everything a person could need. It's only a slight problem. He's straight, and I'm not.
I mean, the guys had two wives. There's no way he'd be attracted to men in any way, and it's not like I'd stand a chance since I'm just a standard cleaner. The only times he ever talks to me is when he asks me to assist him with his work.
I dont know how long I've had these feelings for Lucifer. Maybe a year or 2 now. I've been working with him for 8 years, so I'm quite a loyal worker. The feelings started when he helped Charlie in battle on extermination day. He returned all tired and warned out. He went straight to sleep, so I did his paperwork. He woke up and thanked me. He touched my shoulder and smiled handsomely, all while making complete eye contact. My face went red.
How was I not supposed to fall in love with him? God, my face feels warm just thinking about it.
_______________________________
I was walking around his palace. I was just cleaning the place, making sure I didn't miss anything. I knocked softly three times on Lucifers door. I could hear a frustrated groan as he got up from his desk and opened the door.
"What do yo- oh. It's you, yeah, what do you need, Y/N?" He said softly. As soon as he realised it was me, his voice softened. He leaned against the side of the door frame. He's too short to lean from the top of it. I feel my face growing a little warm, but I ignored it.
"Do you need any assistance, sir, or anything you need cleaned?" I question as I stand straight with my hands held professionally in front of me. He smiled at me.
"I mean, my duck collection could use a bit of cleaning, would you mind?" He says I smile at the thought of a grown man owning ducks. Not to mention he's litrally the king of hell. I nod at his request. He moves out of the way to let me walk through, and I do just that.
I walk into his room and get overwhelmed with the sheer amount of ducks he actually has. He has whole piles of them. He wasn't joking when he said 'collection' of ducks. I smile awkwardly, and I turn to make eye contact with Lucifer.
He chuckles awkwardly. "Yeah.. there's alot..sorry about that, Y/N." To break the awkwardness, I just turn to him and put a hand on his shoulder.
"It's my job, isn't it? I'll be fine, sir, get back to what you were doing before." I say as I hesitantly approach the tower of ducks in the corner. I'll start here.
"Alright...um, good luck." Lucifer says with a slight chuckle as he goes to his desk and continues with his paperwork like usual.
-Lucifers Pov-
Y/N entered my room and automatically started cleaning. I know it's his job, but I still feel bad making him do all my dirty work. Alough, he does look really attractive. Just the way he looks, the tight black suit and nicely brushed hair, along with the pretty horns. He's just overall attractive.
I had a rubber duck sat on my desk with me. I've been addicted to creating the ducks every since my wife, Lilith, left me. It was a way to get her out of my head. Luckily, it worked, but now I've gotten slightly carried away and have a huge collection of them.
I continued to do my work. Every once in a while, I glanced at Y/N. He's kneeling on the floor, nicely organising my ducks. I smiled as I got an idea. I grab a few ducks from my desk and lightly tossed them on the floor beside my desk.
"Y/N? Could you pick these up for me? Im really concentrated on my work, yknow, hard work and..stuff." I say awkwardly. It's not like he could deny, he litrally works for me. I do slightly feel like an asshole. But anything to get Y/N closer to me.
He turns around and nods. He gets off his knees and wonders towards me. I make eye contact with him, never breaking it. I rotate in my spinny chair thing, making him kneel down in front of me. I glance down at Y/N.
Y/N picks up the 3 ducks. Before he gets up, he glances up at me. We both male eye contact and keep it for longer than normal before it gets interrupted by Y/N standing up and organising the ducks in a line on my desk. I could see a faint blush on Y/Ns face as he walked back over to the pile of ducks he was previously organising. I chuckle before awkwardly disguising it into a cough.
"Thanks," I say as I actually get back to my work this time, I did have important work to do. As surprising as that is.
-Readers pov-
My face was red slightly. That chuckle from Lucifer didn't go unnoticed either. He always does this. He knows I get easily affected by him and therefore teased me a lot.
I continued to organise his ducks. He had all different types. Demon, Angel, black, white, anything you could name, he has a duck version. It was kind of cute, though. Imagining him in his office painting and creating these little ducks. You'd never expect the king of Hell to have an addiction to ducks. It was peculiar.
I whipped my head behind me for a moment to look at Lucifer. His hair was slightly out of place, and his buttoned up shirt slightly creased. You could clearly see the concentration on his face as he stared at the scribbled ink on the paper.
He looked fucking handsome as hell. God, 2 years of having a crush on him drives me insane. I'm never normally this brave, but..I couldn't resist Lucifer any longer. I stand up and straighten my clothing before approaching Luicfer with confidence.
I stand in front of his desk and reach for his collar. I pull his face close to mine. His eyebrows lifted. He was clearly obvious to my feelings.
"What are you doing?" He questions. I smirk and keep his face close to mine.
"I apologise for..how unprofessional this is, sir." I say before clashing our lips together into a passionate kiss. I could physically hear his gasp in surprise. I smile when he starts kissing back. I moved myself to be straddling his lap while he sat on his chair.
We make out for a while, and I have no clue where this confidence came from. But I don't mind. To show Lucifer Karma for teasing me, I grinded on his lap. I hear his groans vibrate on my lips as we make out passionately. He's definitely a power bottom.
I bit his lip before pulling away. His luscious golden locks were even more messed up than before. His face was red too, which I found adorable. I smile at him. I peck his lips before getting off his lap. I adjusted my clothing before turning to Lucifer.
"I've finished my work, sir. I believe I'll.. see you later." I say with a smirk as I out of his room and shut the door behind me. Leaving Lucifer completely dumbfounded. I didn't know I could affect him so much. I'll definitely be doing that more often.
-Lucifers pov-
I tried to speak as Y/N left, but nothing came out. I lean back on my chair and rub my hands through my hair. I groan in annoyance as I realise how much he affects me. I groan in annoyance. Not only did I have to deal with my overwhelming confusion and flustereness, I had to deal with the problem in my trousers.
"Fuckk... God sake fucker did that on purpose.." I groaned in annoyance. The problem would fix itself. I stand up and walk over to my private bathroom. God, the things Y/N makes me feel. I had no clue he was that confident. Huh. Kinda hot though
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petrssecrethideout · 4 months
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I'd hoped I would get at least a few days of peace after having to move back in with my dad, but within a few hours I heard honking outside the house. I waited for it to die down as I unpacked my stuff, before going outside to see the one person I couldn't face.
I knew Hunter better than anyone, but now i barely recognized him. the man in front of me had hundreds of pounds on the man I left, his bulk replaced with cut muscle. He had grown a beard too, changed his haircut. He looked so good it made my stomach turn.
"Took you long enough," Hunter said, lounging in his truck bed. I could see the flare of his lats even as he relaxed. "What the hell were you doing?"
"Unpacking," I said trying not to show any guilt or discomfort "What do you want?"
Hunter responded by tapping the tailgate, a motion that just meant to come sit down. I did without thinking, just like i had seen him do for me. It was the most common thing we used to do, besides almost get caught fucking. It was just nice to... talk.
Now, I could feel the body heat radiating off of him as I leaned back against his arm, feeling his bicep against my back. I'd never been so close to so much muscle in my life. I was in awe, mostly just confused on how it happened. I looked down to see his shorts, the only thing he was wearing, were much shorter than I was used to. He used to be afraid of wearing anything that cut off above the knee, too afraid of "looking gay". He must've changed a lot.
"So, how have you been?"
"Pretty good," Hunter said his accent just as thick as ever. "I got a job down at the the steel factory that pays pretty well, and I'm going to the gym again. I think I might be the biggest guy there now."
"I'll say! How the hell did that happen?" I exclaimed.
"Well," Hunter "One of my buddies told me about this Mutant Juice stuff, and I just thought it was some kinda hoax, but it was fucking crazy. Expensive as hell, but I think I'm getting my money's worth. I thought I'd just stop after a round or two, but at this point I think I'm just gonna keep growing until it stops working. Just get real fucking big, bigger than anyone else around here. Maybe I could even be on the ads for this stuff, flexing all of this muscle wearing almost nothing. I think I'd look pretty good like that, don't you?"
He knew what he was doing, and it was working. I needed to feel him, to hold him, to rip those shorts off and just have him again, but something still stopped me.
"You like all of these muscles?" Hunter said, reading my expression. He slowly bounced his pecs. "You always did stare at me a lot. God, did I love it. Still do. Something about the looks you give makes me feel like a fucking beast."
I could feel my dick straining my pants, begging for release. I couldn't do that, not yet. I had to find something else to talk about.
"How's your family?" I asked, veering the conversation away form anything too horny.
the words poured out of my mouth, but it immediately got Hunter to stop bouncing his pecs. Something in his expression changed, he looked... pissed.
"We haven't talked in almost a year. After you left without a word I told them, and... it didn't go well. I got a place of my own after a while." Hunter said
"You weren't..." I could feel my own heart shattering. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. I was the weird one, the freak. His life was perfectly mapped out, just like all of the men around here that had come before him. A decent job, a christian marriage, kids before 25. He had a happy life ahead of him, and I selfishly ruined that.
"I didn't stop being gay when you left. Even if that's what you wanted." Hunter said, his voice filled with a cold anger. "I was just...alone."
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I tried to blink them away, before I felt his arm wrap around me and pull me towards his torso. the feeling of being in a hug of his was enough to get me to cry.
"I missed you." I said.
"I missed you too." Hunter replied as he sniffled from crying. "Y'know, for someone so smart I don't know why you sent that letter. Dear Hunter, I love you, I'll never forget the time we had, but please forget about me. I can't ruin your life. What the hell did you think was gonna happen?"
"I was trying to be all poetic, and self-sacrificial, and... yeah it was bullshit but I thought I was corrupting you. I still kind of do."
"You ain't doing shit. All you did was help me figure out who I actually wanted to be, which is gay and fuckin' massive. I'm just glad I can finally do both of those things now without anyone telling me I can't."
My head nuzzled into his neck as I thought about the man I was currently holding growing even larger. My hands couldn't even fully reach around his back as it was, what was I going to do if It got even wider?
"I'm glad to have you back, even if it won't be forever." Hunter said.
"Maybe next time you could come with me?" I asked, a question I knew would get shot down the last time we talked. He loved his family, and his hometown too much to ever leave, but he had changed a lot since I left.
"Sure. we'll do it together."
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haunted-headset · 3 months
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💜 Oh, Distant You. 💜
Summary: Tommy asked what happened between you two.
a/n: hello! i was in the mood to make a short angsty fic, so i present this to all of you! this was (obviously) based on "Oh Distant You"
contains: angst, a break-up with you & Wilbur, crying, flashbacks, cursing, a cliffhanger ending, mentions of presumed death, the reader is said to have had mental health issues in the past, & mentions of suicide.
words: 651
tags:@zuuriell @somebody-v @vibestillaxxx @ax-y10 @joviepog@themonsterunderurmom @ogelizasoot @wilburstan@smolsleepykitten@funnyreally2009@crows-death@dykepunz@aresriiots@0miamor0@defonotval@chipch0p@mazzistar16@unmellowyellowfellow@thosecolorfulsheets@vopix@aine-lasagna@merianakross@veeislost@urfav-sapphic-siren@shazbaz58-blog @wifiatthetrainstation@mcr-pr-fob@shd454@rqvii@idioticion@m0thza@artistphantom @lexx-the-gay-rubber-ducky @finleyforevermore @poraphia @radio-to-trenchcoat-demons @mysticalsoot @21-cats-in-a-trenchcoat @strangleetomz (let me know if u don't or do wanna be tagged)
[Wilbur's {3rd person} POV]
Tommy had invited Wilbur to his house for an "intervention". He'd been locking himself in his apartment for days without messaging or calling anybody, streaming, or going to the studio. The Lovejoy members called him & messaged him uncountable times, but he never responded. Some of his friends thought he had killed himself. Nobody had heard from Y/N, either; they were an active streamer, usually streaming twice or thrice a week, but they hadn't streamed for two weeks. Y/N wasn't on tour with their band, either, & hadn't announced a break, so it worried Y/N's followers & fans.
"What's going on with you?" Tommy asked him. "Nobody's heard from you or Y/N in a few weeks. Did you two have a secret wedding & a honeymoon without telling anybody?" While the light-hearted joke was obviously intended to make Wilbur feel better, it just made him feel worse.
"We broke up, Tommy," he murmured, covering his eyes with his hand.
"You what?" Tommy raised his brow, not hearing Wilbur correctly.
"We broke up, Tommy," Wilbur repeated, louder this time.
Tommy was shocked. "I thought everything was good between you two! Why did they dump you?"
"I dumped them, Tommy," Wilbur said shakily, holding back tears.
"Why the fuck did you do that?" Tommy asked.
"Because I'm an idiot, Tommy, that's why!" Wilbur shouted, removing his hand away from his now red & glossy eyes. "Because I'm an idiot who thought prioritizing my music & my career over them was the better option! & they could be dead right now, for all I know! Their mental state was terrible when I broke up with them, so for all I know, they could be hanging from a noose right now, dead as a motherfucking doorknob."
"Woah, woah, woah, Wil, take a breath," Tommy said, his eyes wide from how Wilbur reacted. "Tell me what happened."
"I just--I got in over my head & started panicking & being an anxious idiot like how I was when I was a kid & I thought that my career & my band needed to be prioritized over them," Wilbur explained shakily.
"Why did you think that?" Tommy asked.
"Because I thought my career was better than them," he said softly.
"Is your career better than being with them?" Tommy asked, his eyebrows raised slightly.
"God, no, Tommy," Wilbur said with a catch in his throat. "I hate the way I talk when I'm trying to compliment or praise them because it'll never give off the praised esteem they have. They're two stars from grace & I'm convinced that this world turns for them & nobody else." He paused. "No offense, Tommy."
"Were you looking for somebody better or--" Tommy started.
"If the Lord or the universe or whoever fucking controls everything were to whip up a clone of them," said Wilbur, "I wouldn't even glance at it, so, no, Tommy. & if I did date that clone, I'd have to take a month off work & everything to sit down in the kitchen, & explain all our in-jokes, & cry with them to Wall-E, & still, I'd fuckin' miss Y/N."
"So you regret it all?" Tommy asked.
"Of course I do!" he exclaimed. "I thought I was creating the solution to their problems, that I was being the fix-all, but I was just the villain. & every single modicum of energy that I gave to all the little things compounded all my placidity, & I drove out all the good things & made life so fuckin' heavy, & now I can't wake up & talk to them." He was crying at this point, having to pause a few times to calm himself down.
Tommy held his phone up & pointed at the screen. He was on a call. He was on call with Y/N. He had been this whole time.
"Hi, Wilbur."
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dangermousie · 4 months
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2023 End of Year Post - cdrama edition
Yes, we have a lot of December left, but I don't think anything else I want to check out will air before 2024 hits (it's cdrama so caveat is - you never know.)
This is only going to cover cdramas that aired in 2023; if I watched it but it was made in a different year, it's not on the list. This was a pretty good cdrama year, all in all.
DRAMAS WATCHED
(In order of liking from least to most as opposed to pure quality; I am including if I’ve seen enough to make up my mind; yes I realize that’s inaccurate, but that’s my list)
30 legend of twin flower - Not dignifying that drama with capital letters, as the only capital that should be associated with this is capital punishment - which is what watching this feels like.
29 Dominator of Martial Gods - sounds like a bdsm gay porn title. Would probably be better acted and written if it was.
28 Beauty of Resilience - you'd need a lot of said resilience to sit through this incoherent, barely acted mess. The thing that I remember the most other than my annoyance is all the jingly-jangly head gear on JJY. Perhaps they could have sold some of them and spent the money on a better script.
27 Divine Destiny - if you think you have too many brain cells and want to get rid of some, boy do I have a drama for you!
26 Wanru’s Journey - honestly it's probably tied with SEL - I mean it's worse but it has actors who are nowhere as well known and a fraction of SEL's budget. Still, this is a big fat nope. I will not say what I think of Aoi Rupeng's "acting" or I'd have to put money in the curse jar.
25 Snow Eagle Lord - Gulinazha's stone face, nonsense plot, terrible CGI. Take your pick as to why this is terrible.
24 Scent of Time - it was uneven but fun but then that ending was dumb enough to destroy the whole thing. Show me on the doll where common sense hurt you, makers!
23 Royal Rumors - Jeremy Tsui and Meng Ziyi are utterly wasted in this nothing trifle of a drama.
22 Legend of Anle - I had high expectations but alas. This is the drama version of color beige. There is nothing offensive about it but nothing good either. Mediocre actors are mediocre, good actors become mediocre, this is just a waste of our finite time on planet earth.
21 Romance on the Farm - it's not you, it's me in action. I can see why people would like this wholesome slice of farming family life, but it's tailored to trigger every one of my "nope" opinions.
20 Back from the Brink - if I were 12, it would be my favorite thing. I am not 12.
19 Journey of Chong Zi - objectively a terrible drama with plot holes the size of Mars and a leading lady whose face has apparently frozen when the wind changed. But I am a total sucker for the trope of upright shizun falling for his demonic disciple and going mental so here we are. Objectively, garbage, subjectively my precious!
18 Love you Seven Times - just call poor Ding Yuxi "Atlas," he carried this mess so hard.
17 Blooming Days - trashy dogblood harem fight fun throwback. It's not that great (and the fact that it was shredded doesn't help) but it's probably the last gasp of that genre for the foreseeable future, so I am grading on a curve.
16 The Starry Love - a fun fantasy where the secondary OTP stole the thunder but overall a really solid fantasy xianxia romance.
15 The Longest Promise - it could have been better - the secondaries were unbearable and there was too much of them and what they did with Alen Fang's character still gives me rage fits, but the main couple was impeccable and lovely and I rooted so hard for them.
14 Chang Feng Du/Destined - visually gorgeous, solidly acted, impeccable first half. Bland as hell second half. Win some, lose some.
13 Circle of Love - this drama is a nonsense trash heap on fire. After a typhoon hit it. It was also the most entertaining, addicting drama on this whole list.
12 Hidden Love - the sole modern on this list, this story has barely any plot but it made me care about the young, decent lovers so hard.
11 Choice Husband - starts out wacky, continues with angst and blood and happy ending. I loved it, but I've always had a soft spot for melo and schemers turning devoted.
10 Pledge of Allegiance - bromance, super solid acting, visuals, a really dark take on officials and the world. Insanely underrated.
9 Provoke - a truly fun Republican revenge and love tale, showing that short format can be wonderful.
8 Gone with the Rain - some of the secondary characters are rage-inducing (hi there, cardboard boy!) but the scheming, ruthless, vulgar FL is amazing and her slowburn with her age gap general who is delighted by her out-there-ness is great!
7 Wonderland of Love - Fei Wo Si Cun goes wholesome and the result is surprisingly entertaining. Battle couple, glorious visuals, a fast paced plot. It's the first Xu Kai drama I enjoyed in years (and he plays a rare cdrama ML it would be pretty neat to pair up with in rl.)
6 My Journey to You - that ending is infuriating (and I am OK with open endings if done properly) but what a visual feast, probably the most gloriously shot drama on this list, and that's a tough competition. Also it packs a hell of a lot of couples and familial and adversarial relationships into its slim running time; assassin lady won over by a gentle man is my favorite trope and so this is extra great.
5. Till the End of the Moon - the ending is a rage-inducing disaster for me, but this drama was the most incredibly emotionally intense, visually eye popping experience. It was deeply flawed but when it was amazing, it was like nothing else in its visuals, its characters and its narratives. It took insane risks; some paid off and some did not, but it was glorious.
4. Story of Kunning Palace - I don't often care for reverse harem stories but this one was such fun - the main OTP was glorious (strong FL, unhinged ML) but honestly everything about this was just so excellently done.
3. The Ingenious One - the most adult drama on this list. Smart protagonists, intelligent plot, emotions that felt true, this is a revenge and a mystery and found family and goes into so many directions you do not expect (Su Mengyu's PTSD after his first kill - that is something you never see in dramas, definitely not prolonged and profound - not like this.) If I was to say which drama was objectively the best on this list, as opposed to favorite, it would be this.
1 (tie) Lost You Forever 1 - this is an exquisite emotional jewel of a story about damaged people moving forward, with damage always present - their past informs their present and always will. The narrative about Xiao Yao and three very different men in her life makes me think that it's an equivalent of a neutron bomb going off right before the main narrative starts and now we are watching the survivors wander in the wreckage. This is very high fantasy setting but it's one of the most emotionally human narratives out there.
1 A Journey to Love - everything I ever wanted - assassins, ride or die adult OTP with genuine believable conflicts, great and complex secondaries, beautiful fights. Oh, and yeah Liu Shi Shi domming the hell out of every man in a ten mile radius, as she should.
FAVORITE DRAMA
It's a tie between Lost You Forever Part 1 and A Journey to Love. LYF1 is a bona fide art piece but it's only part 1 and who knows if part 2 will be any good (seeing the huge ep number cut, I have my doubts) and so it's incomplete. AJTL is an old school wuxia romance with incredibly competent, adult people in love and great cast of secondaries. I can't pick.
WORST DRAMA
romance of twin flower - this is a drama that should not exist. If I could hex everyone involved with it, I would. It's a terrible, stupid, shrill, badly acted drama to start with, but where it really is catapulted into stratosphere of horror is that is took my very favorite non-danmei web novel of all time, a smart and complicated tale with incredible protagonists and turned it into that barftastic abomination. Peng Xiao Ran kept making horrible drama after horrible drama but I kept giving her a chance because of Goodbye My Princess but after this disaster, I've had to accept GMP was a fluke and she is on my "if she's in it, I am out” list. Ding Yuxi is not that far yet (his performance in Seven Lifetimes was the one thing carrying that mess afloat) but he's on freaking thin ice. Anyway, I like to pretend this drama does not exist.
FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER
It was hard because there were so many I loved this year - Deng Wei's traumatized, gentle Seventeen from LYF1 (if someone told me I'd swoon and weep for a character played by Deng Wei, I'd have told them to examine their brains asap), Liu Yuning's incredibly capable, deadly, contained Ning Yuanzhou from AJTL, Zhang Linghe's unhinged Xie Wei from SoKP, Chen Xiao's schemer with a heart Yun Xiang from TIO.
But ultimately, it couldn't be anyone else but Luo Yunxi as Tantai Jin/Demon God/Ming Ye/Cang Jiumin in Till the End of the Moon. He was everything - a demon, a saint, a martyr, a monster, a tormented abuse victim, a savior, joyful, unhinged, smart, pitiable. It was the cdrama performance of the year for me. Luo Yunxi even in a mediocre role is impressive but in a complex (series of) role(s) designed for his strengths, he is a force of nature.
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FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER
Xiao Yao (Lost You Forever Part 1). Once again, there were runner ups - Bai Lu's smart a little evil FL in Kunning, the gloriously unhinged assassin domme Liu Shi Shi in AJTL, Esther Yu's assassin longing for a different life in MJTY etc etc etc. But Xiao Yao's damaged, difficult, very self-aware woman stole my heart. I was skeptical going in because I haven't enjoyed a Yang Zi performance in a long time, but she was the wounded beating soul of this incredible drama.
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NEEDS TO BE MURDERED
Where do we start? How about all of Seventeen's (LYF1) monster family? His brother, who tortured him for years physically and emotionally to such a degree his body is a horror map and his personality is permanently altered because "mommy liked you better." Psycho mother who created a situation where the kids were going to turn on each other and "let's get my grandson raped" grandma. Where is a well-placed meteorite when you need one.
FAVORITE SHIP
Xiao Yao/Seventeen, LYF1. Yes, a ship of characters played by Yang Zi and Deng Wei is my favorite. Leave me alone, I am on my tenth helping of crow already. They are both incredibly damaged, barely functioning survivors who find what they need in the other - he finds a savior and someone who sees him as a man and rebuilds himself around her and she finds someone who will always put her first and only, and subsume himself in her. Is it healthy? No. Does it make sense for them and is it making them slowly functional? Yes.
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Runner up: Ren Ruyi/Ning Yuanzhou, AJTL - two adults, so competent, so chemistry full. She has so much damage and so little normalcy but is so strong and he is oddly gentle (in between murders) and incredibly self-reflective. They are each other's mirrors and I love them.
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FAVORITE SECONDARY OTP
Su Mingyu/Ke Menglan, The Ingenious One - the idealistic merchant who wants to join jianghu until he sees its horrors firsthand and a slave entertainer who wants security but decides she wants him more. They are gorgeous and glorious and wholesome and I adore them.
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Runner up: Liu Gong Quan/Ming Zhu, The Ingenious One - that drama was a shippy gift, especially impressive considering it wasn't even romance-centric. He's the officer who has to bring down her treasonous father but loves her. Delicious.
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Another runner up is Chao Feng/Qian Kui, the angelic good girl and the scheming bad boy in The Starry Love. They stole the drama from the main OTP for me.
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NOTP
Scent of Time endgame. What the hell was even that. It made NO sense.
FAVORITE SCENE
So many good scenes this year - Tantai Jin taking apart Li Susu in prison in TTEOTM, the OTP fighting in perfect sync and insane rhythm in the gorge battle in AJTL, Chen Ruoxuan's character stopping the execution in Pledge, Yan Lin's coming of age in Kunning, the poison/antidote "gamble" in MJTY, Cang Xuan detoxing in LYF1. But I think ultimately, me being who I am, my favorite scene is Xiao Yao kissing Seventeen's damaged, scarred knee to show he is in no way inferior for her. AAAAA!
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In terms of pure jaw dropping visuals tho nothing will ever beat Ming Ye’s battle against the Devil God in TTEOTM.
BIGGEST CRUSH
Ning Yuanzhou, AJTL. He's sexy as hell (that height, that way he moves in battle) but he's also so incredibly competent, so adult, so self-reflective and so attracted to a woman for her strength. He also gets whumped on the reg. Anyway, my hormones are ready.
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BEST SCENE STEALER CHARACTER
Gong Yuanzhi (My Journey to You) - I loved the unhinged, brocon poison boy. He was everything. Also Yan Lin (Kunning) - talk about sunshine; I totally got why all these people felt they needed to save him.
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NEEDS A SEQUEL
My Journey to You - what the HELL was that ending?
NEEDS SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT
legend of twin flower - that is, stab it with scissors like it stabbed the novel until it's dead.
TOO MANY SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT
Till the End of the Moon - they clearly cut stuff to fit into the new regs about runtime and it made the last 1/5 rather abrupt. Gimme!
TROPE THAT NEEDS TO DIE
The emperor cannot be irredeemable. WTF, China, you are a communist country!
FAVORITE TROPE WE’VE SEEN A LOT OF
This is the year of a ML who yearns to be dommed by his FL. Long may it continue.
BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT
The Legend of Anle - the novel had a great plot, the cast were all actors I either enjoy a lot or somewhat and we got - whatever that soggy piece of wonderbread toast was.
BIGGEST GOOD SURPRISE
LYF1 - I only checked out to mock because nobody could explain the story to me and nobody in the cast did anything I like either ever or in years. And then I fell utterly and completely in love and had to eat so much delicious crow.
2023 DRAMAS I HAVEN’T SEEN THAT I MOST WANT TO WATCH
Ancient Love Song is the only one on that list. It looks really good, I just need to brace myself.
BEST NON-2023 DRAMA I’VE WATCHED IN 2023
The Imperial Doctoress - best slowburn and pining and glorious character development and adult leads.
MOST ANTICIPATED
Anticipating any nonaired cdrama is a mug's game but if they air, I will definitely check out all the Fox Matchmaker dramas, LYF2, JoL2 and The Last Immortal. If Prisoner of Beauty ever is allowed out of the vault (dubious), it goes on the list too.
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tabithatwo · 11 months
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okay, it has been a HOT fucking second, but it's time for the rest of my jackie taylor is a lesbian and she knows it (or she at LEAST knows she likes women) thoughts for the pilot (this is a continuation, if you feel like this is abrupt click the link <3)
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jackie trying to set shauna up with randy LISTEN she does it in SUCH a lesbian-minded way...like ah yes, a boy that can be an accessory and what if you dated randy and you wouldn't like him (i KNOW you wouldn't like him) and i kept dating jeff (i don't like him and don't you KNOW that i don't like him?) and then we could always insist on double dates and every time i have to go out with jeff, i'd actually be going out with you <3 <3
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jackie is not even looking much at shauna's outfits when shauna turns to her for feedback and y'know why??? the existence of BOOB DRESS!!! the sheer lesbianism of that line continues to amaze me. shauna! just wear the dress i got you that makes your boobs look sooooo good pleasssse?? LIKE HELLO??
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shauna gets frustrated which jackie clearly didn't expect, so what's she gonna do?? immediately make a joke <3 back off <3 try and make her smile <3 (sidebar idk how people read this scene as intensely mean and controlling jackie like i beg you to watch again, they're teenagers being teenagers, jackie unintentionally upsets shauna and shauna gets frustrated and jackie smooths it over and shauna chills out like that's the scene baby)
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jackie being sooo happy that shauna is joking again (this is one of those times we see the smile/laugh that only shauna really gets out of her)
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she's got her arm around jeff but her eyes on shauna for much of this scene and we get a completely different jackie here with jeff than we saw in the opening because she is PERFORMING! like this is the man she makes herself tolerate serving his purpose for real, such a young lesbian experience
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okay that is ENOUGH of that man (truly three seconds with her arm around him, where her eyes were still on shauna not him), jackie hands jeff her drink and immediately reaches for shauna when she wants to dance
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okay more performance yes, like she's clearly putting on a show here but also?? it is SOOOO obvious that little miss broody shauna is watching right now and jackie actually looks directly at her for good fucking measure, like she is very aware of shauna watching her and shauna's attention being on her. she does this AGAIN when she's desperate for shauna's love/attention/affection in doomcoming when she walks away with travis (to FUCK HIM IN SHAUNA'S BED)
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the compliments scene? so fucking flirty, so fucking gay, so clear that this is their usual dynamic. like the level of baby dyke flirty love in the i dunno...you haven't said anything nice about me yet and all the little smiles and the ritual of it the you're my best friend as a stand in for i love you like we really don't get a ton of them precrash but the pilot establishes SO MUCH of their relationship prior to all the trauma so beautifully ughhh
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jackie wanting to be dropped off first GOD THIS SCENE, it is so often taken as her being selfish for selfishness sake (or out of fear of her parents) but she also does NOT want to be left alone in the car with jeff!! we saw her discomfort with being sexual with him right away in the pilot, it was immediately established, he ignored every sign that she did NOT want him to be touching her. i don't know about you but this was a dance i did allll the time at that age!! the plotting to not be alone with the boyfriend!!
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also her performative happiness with jeff EVAPORATES, like that is for public straightness perception, she does the minimum saying bye to that man and then she hugs shauna like its her goddamn job
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jackie taylor queen of gay-zing tbh
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y'know when your parents are terrifying but your girl got really anxious last time you flew somewhere so you steal your insane mother's valium for her??
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but that's not enough so you have to GIVE HER THE HEART NECKLACE THAT YOU WEAR EVERY DAY AND SAY THERE NOTHING CAN TOUCH YOU NOW (because you have my heart, you have my love, jackie taylor ALSO queen of discomfort with saying i love you verbatim but saying it in a million other ways, this is a thought for another day but!! a heart!! that she wears!! next to her heart!! for the girl who has her heart!!)
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of course she's also got to watch shauna put it on (gay-zingly) and did i need to include 10 screenshots of this moment to make my point?? MAYBE NOT but YOU'RE WELCOME cause LOOK AT THEM!!
more to come eventually <3 <3 this one was largely fun sweet precious honestly compared to the last and the ones to come, so yeah i really went wild with the photos <3 <3
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mcflymemes · 8 months
Text
PROMPTS FROM RED, WHITE & ROYAL BLUE *  assorted (and slightly adapted to suit this meme format) dialogue from the book by casey mcquiston, adjust as necessary
on purpose. i love him on purpose.
i've always thought of myself as a problem that deserved to stay hidden.
i'm going to have you offed. you'll never see it coming.
take anything you want and know you deserve to have it.
get in there.
you're literally putting your dick in the leader of a foreign state.
before you, i was all right letting everything happen to me.
i can't believe even mortal peril will not prevent you from being the way you are.
sorry, are we not? did i skip ahead again?
you've been warned.
he died as he lived: avoiding plans and sucking cock.
my life is a cosmic joke and you're not a real person.
hey, have i told you lately that you're brave?
i honestly have never thought i deserved to choose.
we're gonna make it work. you and me and history, remember?
if you finish that sentence, i'm gonna spend tonight in jail.
but the truth is, also, simply this: love is indomitable.
i actively wish for the sweet release of death.
yes, good, carry on.
i won't hear a word against it.
we're gonna do it together.
i said you look great, baby!
i meet you in every dream, and when i wake i cannot close my eyes again for ruminating on your sweetness.
i'm so in love i could die.
you can take your legacy and your decorum and you can shove it up your fucking arse.
i wonder if it's too late to swan dive off the roof.
i'm learning all your hidden depths today, sweetheart.
you must invent an entirely new system.
a curious thing about grief is the way it takes your entire life, all those foundational years that made you who you are, and makes them so painful to look back on.
he's proof that it doesn't matter where you come from or who your family is.
i've bloody well had it!
we can unpack the ironic symbolism later.
that's beyond our sense of decorum!
i'm not afraid of anything i feel. i'm afraid of saying it. i'm only afraid of what happens when i do.
aw, you do care.
if there's any legacy for me on this earth, i want it to be true.
straight people probably don't spend this much time convincing themselves that they're straight.
the moment you first called me a prick, my fate was sealed.
you are the absolute worst idea i've ever had.
should i tell you that when we're apart, your body comes back to me in dreams?
can you perhaps stop putting your sodding life in danger now?
what are we even defending here?
history will remember us.
when i sleep, i see you.
i hate this so much.
every person who bears a legacy makes the choice of a partner with whom they will share it with.
we're just gonna fucking fight.
he is my choice.
i can appreciate that maybe this isn't your fault.
i've been gay as a maypole since the day i came out of mom.
when i wake up in the morning, it feels like i've just been with you.
i can feel your skin against mine, and it makes every bone in my body ache.
your spine's a ridge i'd die climbing.
for a few moments, i can hold my breath and be back there with you, in a dream, in a thousand rooms, nowhere at all.
the phrase 'see attached bibliography' is the single sexiest thing you have ever written me.
i promise you, one day we'll be able to just be, and fuck everyone else.
give yourself away sometimes, sweetheart. there's so much of you.
i want to set myself on fire, but i can't afford for anyone to see me burn.
you see, for me, memories are difficult.
never tell me the odds.
i wish there weren't a wall.
jesus christ, it's like they can see into your soul.
you're it, okay? i'm never gonna love anybody in the world like i love you.
i'm finished. i don't care.
god, i want to fight everyone who's ever hurt you.
the whole world watched, and history remembered.
are you quite finished?
just so we're clear. i'm about to have sex with you in this storage closet to spite your family.
you insane, hopeless romantic little shit.
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helaelaemond · 6 months
Text
Who Else Is Gonna Put Up With Me This Way? - Billy Washington x reader
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Pairing: Billy Washington x female reader
Summary: You’re in an unstable relationship with Billy Washington - you've broken up with him countless times, and he's found himself back between your thighs again. This time, though, it's for real. But you're the one thing worth fighting for.
Dark!Billy, dub-con, possessive Billy, fingering, penetrative sex (f receiving), rough treatment, degradation.
Warnings: mentions of rape (none committed), mentions of domestic abuse (none committed by Billy, reader slaps him), discussions of Islamophobia,
Rating: E
Word count: 2.9k
Based on the results from this poll. Doing it for the girls gays and theys!
tagging those who showed interest: @tssf-imagines / @slytherincursebreaker / @humanpurposes / @arcielee / @elizarbell / @heimtathurs / @ewanmitchellcrumbs / @targaryenrealnessdarling / @valeskafics
"What are y'doing?"
You shove past him and storm into the bedroom, grabbing a bag from the wardrobe and dropping it onto the bed. "I'm done. I'm fucking done."
"Are you serious?" Billy stands in the doorway with a red face and thin lips, watching you with wide eyes.
You spit the answer back at him. "Does it look like I'm joking?" You grab whatever you can from the draws next to your side of the bed and shove them into your bag without looking.
"Over this?"
"This? This? You've lost your fucking mind! I don't recognise you anymore!"
"Oh, c'mon, I was drunk, and no one got hurt-!"
"Those people woke up to find they've been victims of your stupidity, all because you believe bullshit you've read-"
"Give me a fucking break!" He slams his hand on the door frame, and his eyes blaze.
"You hitting that because you want to hit me?"
Billy slinks over to you and rips the bag from your hand. "Don't act like I'd ever lay a hand on you; you know I wouldn't."
"I don't know what you'd do anymore," you answer defiantly. "I didn't think you'd ever smash up a Muslim butchers, yet here we are!"
"For fuck's sake! Who cares? No one got hurt!"
You wrench the bag from his hands and throw in a couple of tops and trousers, before pushing past him to the bathroom. He dogs your steps.
"They're real people; you know that, right?"
"I'm sure they're insured. Everyone knows those people are tight with their money. Got their own banks with special rules and everything."
"Those people? Your brain's been rotted by those fucking pigs you call friends! I don't even recognise you half the time!" After grabbing your toiletries, you're back in the bedroom packing up phone chargers, your earring box, your hairbrush. Whatever you need for a few nights, before you come back to get the rest of your stuff.
He keeps close to you. Threatening you. Shadowing you. He's so tall. You hate him. You fucking love him. That's why this is so hard.
"I'm still me," he says lowly.
"Oh yeah? Prove it."
"How?"
"Get rid of those cunts rewiring your brain, and start giving a fuck about people again."
His lip twitches and he catches your arm, pulling you close to him. "I care about you."
With more strength than you realise you have, you press your hands against his chest and escape his clutches. "Not enough."
He follows you when you go into the living room. It's messy, covered in beer cans and food containers and papers and cables, and you let out a shout of frustration. "I hate it here! I fucking hate it!"
"If you hate it so much, why do you keep coming back?" he thunders.
You open your mouth to reply, but no words come. You know why. He knows why. It's pathetic, really. But you can't quit him. He poisons your life, and God, you love the way it tastes.
Fury flashes in his pretty eyes, the eyes that capture you every time. He smirks, but there's no humour in it. "That's what I thought. Can't stay away, can you? You know you're mine."
"Don't play that game," you warn.
"S'not a game."
Billy steps closer to you again, and something akin to dread rushes through you. "No, it's not. So fuck off."
"D'you hate me?"
You glare up at him. There's fire in you now, fire in your belly, in your eyes. "Yeah, I do."
"Liar."
You suddenly slap him, and he grunts as his head is knocked to the side. God, it feels good to do that. Even when he turns to look at you in shock, in disgust, it feels good. "I hate you."
When he grabs you by the waist and shoves you against the wall, it's not a surprise. That doesn't make it any less of a thrill. He runs his nose up your neck and inhales deeply. "So if I shove my hand against your pussy, I'll find you dry?"
"Don't fucking touch me!" You hit his chest to try to get him away from you, but he's stronger. He doesn't go to the gym anymore, but he's stronger. You grab his hair and pull, but he's stronger.
"This is what you want, huh?" His large hands push up your shirt and grasp without care at your breasts. It hurts. It's good. "To pretend you hate me and pretend you don't want this?"
"I don't want it!" A half lie. You shouldn't want it. You know you shouldn't.
"Oh yeah?" he grunts. One hand wraps around your throat, finger and thumb pressing against the edge of your jaw, and the other slips under your waistband. You clench your legs together in response - but he's stronger. The heat between them betrays you, and he wedges his fingers between your folds to find slickness gathering there. "Sure feels like you want it."
"That's got fuck all to do with you."
His eyebrows are raised as he looks down at you, towering tall. Sandy hair flops messily over his eyes, unkempt and greasy. He's disgusting. But you chase his hand.
"I think you like me like this." Dropping his voice, he runs his finger around your clit, as if you're in any way ready for that.
"Like what?" you hiss. "A fucking rapist?"
"No one's getting raped, baby. You want this. You want me to force you to stay."
"No, I don't!" But you grab his wrist to hold it in place. For a moment, it seems like he's taking your words to heart and so his fingers still, but you hold him fast to make sure they stay where they are.
Looking into your face, he grins coldly. "You're such a slut, aren't you? You gonna come on my fingers?"
"You wish! You couldn't make me come now if you tried."
The fingers on your throat tighten slightly, and they apply pressure to the thick veins under your skin. He will be able to feel how quick your pulse is getting. Billy leans his close facer to yours. "You think anyone will be able to make you feel like I do?"
You shake your head slightly. "No. That's the point."
"Hmm." His lip twitches in anger. And then his fingers are pressing against your soft folds, digging it, dragging nails down them, and your stifled groan makes his eyes glint. "You love being used however I want."
"No, I don't. I'm not your thing to play with."
Then, his hands are gone, and he presses the length of his body against yours, and you're trapped tight between him and the wall, and it feels crushing, it's overwhelming, it's stifling-
Billy bites your ear and blows into it. It makes your nipples hard. "Yes, you are. Always have been." He rolls his hips against you, and it presses his half-hard cock against your stomach. As you clench around nothing, a shiver runs through your body. Of course, he notices, and he grins. "See? You want me to use you like the whore you are."
"I'm not a whore," you rasp. "You never fucking paid me."
"Maybe I should have done. You suck my cock like a porn star. All needy and whimpering like you can't live without it."
"Get off me!"
But you grasp the back of his shirt and claw at the skin at the base of his spine. It's so soft there, the gentle peach fuzz comforting under your fingertips. He's still Billy, somewhere underneath it all. Maybe. He presses harder. It's difficult to breathe.
Messily, he licks against your ear and groans. The obscene sound makes your eyes roll back."You leave this flat, you're never coming back."
"Then let me go."
"Never."
You drag your nails over his skin. Red welts are left in the wake. "You're a monster."
"What does that make you, then?" Billy asks with a dry chuckle.
"Stop trying to turn this into a game."
He pulls back to look at you with hooded eyes, lips parted. "I already told you, this in't a game."
"Even if it was, you'd lose." Something comes over you, and you spit in his face. "Fucking loser. Freak."
It makes him snarl. It makes him rough. With all his strength, he turns you to face the wall and shoves down your trousers, your underwear. You can barely spread your legs before he slaps between them, a hard hand grasping your cunt from behind. He squeezes and you yelp in pain. A strong arm is pinned across the back of your shoulders to keep you in place.
Then he squeezes your clit. At this angle, it's caught between two fingers while his thumb shoves against your entrance. It stings, the pressure, but it's worse when he takes his touch away. "If I'm a freak, you're the pathetic slut who wants to get fucked. God, you can't help it, can you? Getting this wet for me?" You can hear him inhale deeply, and the wet noises of him licking your taste off his fingers. You struggle slightly against his firm hold, but it's half-hearted. More than anything, you just want him to touch you again. "God, you taste so good. You ready to take me like the little fuck toy you are?"
"No," you lie, again and again. "Billy, don't you dare-!"
With knees bent, he pushes down his grey joggers and pulls his cock free, and slides between your thighs from behind. "No one's gonna treat you like this."
"You're a fucking monster!" Leaning forward, you press your forehead against the wall. You clamp your legs shut and trap his cock between them, and he responds by shoving you harder against the wall.
"And you're a cunt. My cunt, every dripping inch of it. Spread your legs."
"Make me."
Billy twists the arm on your back to grab your hair instead. The pull on it hurts, makes your spine arch uncomfortably, and a needy whimper escapes you. Fuck. He doesn't need to know how good he's making you feel.
"That's all you ever want, isn't it?" he whispers against your ear. "Me to take away every last bit of your control until you're nothing but a fuck toy for me."
Having your head pulled back this far makes it hard to speak. Between your thighs, his cock can't move, and you can tell how irritated it's making him. "I don't want anything from you."
"Open your mouth."
Your lip curls. Even with your hair wrapped around his hand, you manage to shake your head. Insolence isn't kindly received, and so rough hands suddenly straighten you up and flip you so your back is against the wall again. His hand goes back to your face and he presses against your cheeks until it hurts so bad you can't do anything but open your jaw. Without hesistating, Billy spits into it, heavy eyes watching your mouth. It makes your knees fucking weak.
You want to whimper. You want to swallow. Every part of him is sacred, and you want to consume him whole. At any other time, you would.
His voice is a murmur. "Swallow."
To let you do it, he lets go of your jaw, but his touch does not stray far. It finds its place on your throat, hoping to feel you obey him. Instead, you spit his taste out onto the floor. He doesn't like that.
"You stupid bitch." Suddenly, his fingers are buried back against your cunt and he rubs cruel and wide circles around your clit, fingers digging into soft and swollen flesh.
So, you grab his flushed balls and squeeze and he yelps in surprise, in pain. The hand at your throat shoves your head against the wall. The other leaves your heated core and shoves down your trouers and underwear until theyre at your ankles. Whether you would allow him or not, he takes them off completely, and as he bends down to do so, you wonder if he'll kiss your cunt.
Billy looks at it with longing in his eyes, but then he glances up at your face and the softness is gone. "Don't even need me to spit on you here, do you? You're so wet already."
"Nothing to do with you," you lie again.
"You need me."
"I'd rather die."
With more strength than seems possible, he looms over you and hooks his arm under one thigh. It makes you reach up onto your toe desperately, and then his blunt head is pressing against you. He holds it there for a moment, a threat, a promise. "Say you need me."
You squrim away from him half-heartedly. It makes you sick to your stomach that he's right. "I hate you!"
"Say it!"
One hand grabs a fistful of his hair and yanks. The other claws at the small of his back in an attempt to pull him closer. And then he does. The intrusion hurts in the best way. Your mouth opens in a silent scream, your throat refusing to let the noise escape.
And then he moves.
Billy is relentless in his pace, slamming into you over and over again. He doesn't give you time to adjust, time to relax, he just takes and takes and takes.
"Mine," he grunts, voice shaking.
"No," you choke.
"Yes."
"Fucking bastard!"
Billy kisses your mouth messily before you have a chance to turn away. It's sloppy, wet, desperate. His tongue presses roughly past your teeth and it makes your stomach tighten. But still, you turn your face away to deny him, so he covers your cheek and neck in hot kisses instead.
"Mine," he grunts again against your ear.
"Not anymore."
He returns his hand to your cunt again and as he keeps a steady and fast pace that makes sweat break out on his brow, he rubs you fiercely. It makes your hands clench into fists.
"I'll keep you forever," he promises. His words are punctuated with rough thrusts. "I own you."
Words are so beyond you now. He's rough, he's possessive, and he's fucking right. You fling an arm around the back of his neck and hold him close as he fucks you like it's the first time, the last time. His pace gets faster, more erratic, and then the tell-tale gasps begin to come.
"Don't you dare!" you cry out.
"With me," he answers breathlessly.
"Make me!"
You feel him nod as you hold him close. He licks your ear, making your heart rush in your cunt, and he moans for you just as you like. It drives you higher along with his hand, and then there it is, that pressure in your stomach, the tension between your thighs that pushes you higher.
"Shit, shit, Billy, yes, yes-!"
"With me," he begs. "Cum with me, baby."
"No!" Yes. Yes, cum with him, please, please, please-
"That's it, ah-! Fuck, like that, baby, keep-! Fuck, I'm-!"
Billy's hips stutter and he shoves them against yours as his thights tremble. His orgasm forces him to his toes, and his hand shakes against your clit. It washes over him again and again, and as the last of his seed spurts inside you, you follow him into oblivion. This time, your scream is not silent.
Against the wall, he holds you safely. Your heartbeats are matched as your chests press together, only thin layers of cotton separating your skin there. Your breathing is in time with his, too. In, out. In, out.
He kisses your neck. It makes you squirm. "Let me go."
Carefully, he pulls out of you and sets your leg down. Smiling softly at you, he kisses your forehead. Already you can feel his seed trickling out of you, and it turns your stomach. You can't be here a second longer. It's fine, you can shower later, get his stench of you.
You'll never be free of it.
"I need you," he murmurs as you pull your underwear and trousers back on. Now, his touches are soft and searching, petting your hair. You slap his hand away. He frowns. "I'll never leave you, you know?"
"I know." You might escape his presence, but he has taken root in your heart, for good or evil. "But it's done."
His trousers are back over his hips, and as he ties the string, he looks up at you with wide eyes. "What?"
"I'm done with you, Billy. I know you love me, every inch of my soul, but it's not enough anymore."
Large hands grasp yours. He winds his fingers through yours, and you let him. "You're my one true love. You can't go."
"You can't stop me."
And then his face darkens. Your lips part, and slowly, his eyes open, he kisses you on your open mouth. Pulling away, he smiles slightly and it doesn't spread kindly across his face. "I can."
"What're you gonna do, Billy? Tie me to the fucking bed?"
His hands return to the laces of his trousers, and as if he's not even thinking about it, he undoes them and begins pulling them through the waistband. Your stomach drops. And he takes your wrist, and kisses it. "If that's what it takes. I'll keep you forever. I own you."
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introspectivememories · 7 months
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high school timber is all about repression!!!
it's about bernard desperately trying to prove to himself and his parents that he's straight!! because his parents already don't like him and he cannot be gay. not now not ever!!!! so he puts up this front of a ladies man and he picks a girl he cant ever get together with and maybe he kisses like 3/4 of the female population at grieves and gains a reputation but hey! at least he's not gay! but he's so caught up in making sure his eyes don't to stick too long on tyrone's face or michael-from-biology's eyes or kabir-from-study-hall's thick thighs that even his attraction to women is under a filter. and it's not that he doesn't like women, he does! very much so!! but it's that he's soo caught on not being perceived as gay that he cant show his attraction to women the way he'd like to. it's all under this filter of what he thinks Real Men who are attracted to women act like so it's this brash, loud, crass, thing and it's not him at all. it's "ooh tim, ms. winters is soooo hot!" or "hey kayla, why don't you and i get to know each other a little better, if you know what i mean?" or "god her tits are soo big. she's so fucking hot!" and all this other shit when he really means, "tim, why the fuck does your stepmom have such a pretty smile?" or "kayla, you said you liked yugioh? i'd love to hear more about it!" or "god fuck, that girl has such pretty hands. i think if i held them i'd combust." but none of that is how a Real Man likes women so he shuts that shit down before it even has a chance to come up. it's fine, he's fine. so what if no one ever holds him like he holds those girls? it's fine. he'll take the manwhore label and the fuckboy title and he'll give out as many kisses as those girls want and if sometimes when he's kissing a girl he wonders what it'd be like to sit on kabir's thighs or if tyrone's lips really are as soft as they look, that's just the devil speaking. and if sometimes when he walks back into the cafeteria at lunch, lipstick still smudged on the corner of his mouth, after making out with a girl and his eyes skirt over tim's lithe body and he wonders what it'd be like to draw out the same sounds he's heard girls make when he kisses them, or what it'd be like to brush his thumb over tim's hands, or what it'd be like to hold tim or press a kiss to his shoulder, or a million and one other things, well that'll just have to be another one his secrets.
and it's about tim who's in a relationship with stephanie and his dad knows he's robin and he doesn't have time to figure out why his mouth goes dry when the light hits bernard's hair just right. he's too busy trying to figure out a way back to his nightlife. and so what if bernard has pretty pink lips that look very plush? so what if he's looked at some of his teammates and thought they were handsome? he's not blind!!! he has a girlfriend! and he loves her! and so what if his hand brushes bear's during fourth-period bio? so what if the tingles last all day? it was just some static! and it doesn't matter that when bear laughs his eyes get squinty and they water over -- cause bear always laughs so hard he almost cries -- and it sounds like bells. and it doesn't even matter, that sometimes when bernard walks back into the lunchroom, 10 minutes before the bell rings, lipstick smeared across the corner of his mouth, lips tilted up in the most charming smirk he's ever seen, that his chest fills with jealousy. it doesn't matter that his hands clench into fists so hard that his nails leave crescents marks all day. it doesn't matter that he wants to be bear's flavor of the day, week, month, whatever. he wants to leave the lipstick marks!! he wants to know if bear really is as good as he hears the girls speak about!!! he wants to know "that thing bernard does with his tongue!" is! he wants to drape himself over bear the same way he sees those girls do! he wants to know what bear's hands feel like gripping his waist. he wants, wants, wants!!! but it doesn't matter. it doesn't. he's got a girlfriend, her name is stephanie, she's gorgeous and, most importantly he loves her. he's too busy for bernard anyway.
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autisticlancemcclain · 5 months
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fic rec friday 47
hello and welcome to fic rec friday! where, on friday, i rec five of my favourite fics.
Damnit, Pidge by spirkylurkey
Pidge has some top-secret-classified-don't-tell-Keith-info that she accidentally lets slip to, you guessed it, Keith. Lance is an embarrassed mess. Keith isn't faring much better, to be honest.
this one made me LAUGH the way that this all pidge's fault and she's literally like. well. you shouldn't be so gay then. and she's right!! they're so dumb i love them
2. Operation: Faking It by @writeonclara
“What the hell, guys?” Pidge squawked, wrestling away from Matt. “Why are you pretending to be a couple?” Or: Matt and Lance pretend to be a couple because Shiro and Keith are clueless as hell.
do you guys remember shatt?? i remember shatt. adashi will always have my heart but shatt will literally always be funny bc ofc thats ur fic name. anyways. this fic is mostly klance but the entire concept is just so ridiculously goofy that u have to laugh. do you like lance and matt? do you like fake relationship to real relationship? do you like inverted tropes? do you like pining? do you like comedic jealousy? then this fic is well and truly for you because it has all that and more
3. all's well that ends well to end up with you by @coruscatingcatastrophe
Keith's jacket gets ruined, so Lance decides to be a good Samaritan and give him his. This is the beginning of the end.
megan's fic literally make me want to eat cement i'm so serious. i've read and been obsessed with TONS of her stuff but this one???? this fucking one???? oh god the slowburn kills me. the blossoming realisation that oh god we've been dating this whole time huh. the CHIVALRY...............a romance novel in the truest of senses and i am going to fry
4. as long as it won't separate you from me (i'll be fine) by @coruscatingcatastrophe
A little intrigued—not that she’d ever admit it—Pidge begins to climb the stairs. But before she even reaches halfway, the door—slams shut. All on its own, or so it seems. Pidge pauses, brows creasing in confusion, as she turns to look down at her dog. “Did you see that?” she asks. Peculiarly, she notes that Bae Bae’s fur is bristled, and he growls at the door before barking twice. That’s weird. Bae Bae never growls. Turning back to the door, Pidge feels unsettled, but she tells herself not to jump to ridiculous conclusions. There’s a logical explanation for everything. Maybe there was a gust of wind from the air conditioner, or the doorframe isn’t level. Whatever it is, she’s going to figure it out. - Or, a Beetlejuice au (kind of). Pidge isn't a fan of her new house, Lance and Keith are the ghosts haunting her attic, and together they hatch a plot to convince Shiro and Adam to skedaddle out of the house. There may be demon summoning involved. But seriously, Adam. Getting your hair set on fire really isn't that bad.
HAPPY (late) HALLOWEEN!!! ive been thinking about this fic all october and finally let myself reread it. ive never loved beetlejuice more than when i read this. it's so fun!! so interesting!! pidge gets a chance to shine!! klance are so!!! the way it had the story of beetlejuice but adapted well!! im!!
5. never thought i'd see the day in my life by @coruscatingcatastrophe
But Keith has somehow gone even paler in the short amount of time he’s been at the table, and he shakes his head. “No, something is . . .” His gaze flickers back to Lance, and he’s startled to find that Keith’s eyes are purple. They’ve got to be contacts. Ridiculous. As if the mullet and gloves and personality weren’t enough. Keith pushes away from the table abruptly, looking incredibly put-off now. “I, uh—gotta go,” he mutters, before angrily gathering up the backpack he’d dropped into the chair next to him and storming out of the cafeteria. “Huh,” Hunk says. “Well, that introduction could have gone a bit better. Don’t take it personally though; sometimes Keith’s just like that.” - Or, a Twilight au starring Lance as Bella, Keith as Edward, and the rest of the Voltron gang as themselves. Lance is insufferable, Keith is awkwardly trying to figure out why Lance is the way he is, and along the way they fall in love, or something. It's probably, definitely the best love story since Twilight itself.
now ive never read twilight and i refuse to on principle. but i didn't find this one creepy and instead it was super fun and dweeby and lance is indeed a ray of sunshine, thank you megan for noticing, and it turns out when the story isn't a hetero mormon wet dream it's actually a good time!!
that’s it for today!! i’ll see y’all back next friday for the next fic rec post!!!
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