( fergie vc ) guess who’s so 2000 and late ? i am so so so sorry for the latenes of this ! with being in the worst timezone, having dkjgfd a lot happening at home alongside running the main, it’s been full on ! also warning in advance i don’t think anything makes sense, BUT ALAS. howdy y’all, the name’s lilac, the game is causing all my ocs unimaginable pain dkfgjdf. under the cut you’ll find more about my boi nathaniel, who is ‘ the academic ’ ! and hey-yo let me warn you that this gif is probably the only time you’ll see him smile. we in the business like to call him... mr grumpy gills. ( if you don’t believe me then please know i’m listening to a youtube video called ‘sad melancholy songs to write to’ as i type this up lmfao ). but if you wanna learn about the wreck that is nate, definitely click below. 👁 *evil cackles to set the tone*

NATHANIEL BALLANTYNE

an artillery of books as turrets of knowledge, the expanse of an empty sky, the noose of a tie around your neck, ineligible scribble in notebooks, the companionship of shadows, barbed words and malignant glares, a blackboard spilling with equations, russian literature and blackened coffee, a corner of library that only you have touched, an insatiable thirst to know everything, ink stains on your hands, an empty address book.

faceclaim: bill skarsgård

skeleton: the academic

age: twenty three 

major: astrophysics ( phd )

clubs: chess, book club ( former )

employment: teacher’s assistant at st etienne university

HISTORY

nathaniel ( known endearingly as nate to those close to him, so literally no one kdgfjdf ) was born the first child to one of the most wealthy families in ashmont

the ballantynes have been a foundation to the town’s high society for years. they were overjoyed at a male heir to inherit the riches, and much hope was rested onto the shoulders of a young nathaniel ballantyne, even from birth

it was clear very early on that nate wasn’t like other kids. elective solitude, piercing glances, and his only retort to playmates being the question of why or how whenever anything was presented to him. would have more conversations with a beetle in his backyard than he would anyone his age. even his nannies were fascinated by him. at the beginning of his life many believed he would not amount to much, as it took him nearly twice as long as a normal child to begin speaking. this could speak to the attention that was given to him as a baby, or it could be indicative of the racing mind hidden behind a pair of icy blue eyes. 

as a child he was a little eccentric, and a little introverted, but for a time - nathaniel was a normal kid. he had a handful of friends, could find little joys in the world around him... he certainly was more ‘bookish’ than most, but that wasn’t strange at all. 

but to digress for a moment, his last name sound familiar ?? yeah ??? you may be acquainted with one edward ballantyne... nate’s younger brother

despite being the eldest, the smartest, the tallest, the.... no matter what nate did, it was never enough to be more in his parents’ eyes. like they’d had a portrait painted of the child they desired before nate’s birth, and couldn’t help but compare nate to it long after he was born. on top of that, edward inherited all the charms, wit and characteristics the family could hope for. many other people in their lives felt the same. and since a child, nate couldn’t help but more at home in the shadows than he did with anyone in his family. a manor of that size it was  easy to be a stranger with the people he lived with. however, that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt a young nathaniel.

pls don’t be sad for him though, because this is nate’s villain origin stories, and he’s a fucking douche nozzle 

after a tragic incident [ redacted... because secret ( ͡o ͜ʖ ͡o) ] at the age of thirteen, it was like a switch flipped inside nate’s brain 

the introverted kid soon completely isolated himself. what warmth he had in his heart that was filled with curiosity and a willingness to learn about the world calcified into bitter contempt for those around him 

he became cynical, cruel, apathetic. a beautiful lil nihilist. he hates absolutely everything. and if he doesn’t hate something, he will research it extensively until he finds a reason to

( sidebar: everything except.... the environment. that’s right folks. the guy who hates everything hates green house gas emissions and oil spills more than anything. part of this is through his work in the scientific field he has formed very strong opinions of the selfish people who pollute the planet. he also will take any excuse he can to hate his fellow man dgkfj. )

but for years nate had already felt the resentment brewing inside the family home, but after this point, he knew it to be fact. he hardly spoke to either of his parents, and he seldom attended any functions anymore. regardless of the accolades named in nate’s honour earned for his academic merit, he became a blight to the family. so much so that many new acquaintances to the family didn’t even know he existed. 

from that point onwards at least, nate never felt alone. he made sure he didn’t, as he drowned himself in academia, befriended scholars beyond this world and time, and sought to improve himself by amassing a wealth of knowledge that no amount of charm or money could buy. he had to be the best. [spongebob vc smitty werbenjagermanjensen, he was number one]

in his endevours to learn, well, everything, some could say it was romantic that nate related to the stars, and that’s how his love of astrophysics and astronomy was born. maybe it was more that he felt he could relate to an alien more than an actual human being dkjfgdf. in either case, growing up as a teenager he would sometimes lay out there in the snow to the brink of illness, lost in the sights of what was above. no one was going to stop him, after all. and he had to memorise it all, bit by bit. 

regardless, as nate grew older, it was clear he was gifted. eidetic memory, an iq over 160, voracious reader, a world ranked chess player. he truly is ‘the academic’. as a teenager, he excelled. his vices were limited to coffee and classical music ( for he was too afraid to risk his mental acuity by ever trying alcohol, and cared too much about his health to try smoking ), and for many none had heard his voice for the 4 years he attended high school. 

to that end, despite his parents forcing him to any gathering his brother would attend growing up, to keep face and remind others that hey, the ballantynes actually had two sons, nate always found a way to wander off and muse to himself - a flavoursome preference to any ‘monotonous conversation’. what many believe to be intruding or snooping was simply nate doing what he does best - avoiding people.

speaking of conversations, nate is known to be blunt. his social skills are so far receded to the point that he has no concept of the hurt some words can do. many people believe nate to be a deliberately cruel person, but the reality is that nate is just heartbreakingly honest and curious, and he doesn’t understand the power words have over people

however, it will be said... nate is not a nice person

like i won’t lie he’s borderline sociopathic djkgfdf, and somewhat masochistic. he does what he can to feel superior at times.

but for someone so absorbed into scholarly endevours, he is still human. he can’t help the kick of exhilaration he feels when he sees a poor reaction to words that he says. the flicker in someone’s eyes as his words course through their veins. nate wants to understand everything, and he can’t help be fascinated by the journey a cruel comment can make. it’s not that he wants to make people feel bad, he wants to understand how it happens. 

in addition to that, nate feels as though, despite the slights of his life being minuscule compared to what many others deal with, it is justified his behaviour. a form of revenge. not only is he tarnishing the precious image his family has always tried to cultivate without him, it felt good to know that other people can hurt too. 

with this in mind, nate does have some good qualities. he is perseverant, and he is curious. the word no means nothing to him, and reaches beyond it every day. he has a hard time to trusting people, but for the 3 people in his inner circle, he is an excellent ally to have. sometimes he is selfless without realising it, and always is honest. he also has a very dry sense of humour. and for those that way inclined, he most definitely is loaded kdjgffd.

but with little in the way of friends, nathaniel graduated high school knowing he wanted to be an astrophysict. without the athletic acumen to ever be an astronaut of any kind, he relished the hopes of research that would be the first of its kind, to break boundaries. with his scores nate could attend any damn college he pleased. his eyes were heavily affixed to oxford. despite the wealth in the ballantyne bank and the trustfund affixed to his name, nate was swimming in scholarships. 

but it wasn’t enough for him. it would never be enough for him. 

nathaniel stayed in ashmont. he attended st etienne. to others, he says he needs to show his parents what he’s capable of. to remind them he exists. that he’s better than everyone in the goddamn town he hates more than anything. the truth was though, for all his attributes, nate had never been good with change. he wasn’t brave. 

so we arrive to the now, where nate is currently studying his doctorate, after having graduated with his bachelor degree. he still intends to move away, very far away, once his degree is done. will it happen though ? we just don’t know !

as for the murder investigation, bIG FAT YIKES

and as you may know, daisey rutherford was nate’s brother’s fiance. nate does not like his brother. so to end this i... i’m just putting that out there. *evil cackle here* (◕‿◕✿)

PLOTS & CONNECTIONS

plotting with nate... will be interesting. he isn’t the nicest person going around dkgjdf, so if you want someone for any negative/enemy type plots, i volunteer as tribute ! and with that in mind, i hope to see nate develop over the course of veritas, and i’d be so honoured if you’re willing to have your muse be part of nate’s journey ! below i have a few REALLY TERRIBLE plot ideas listed, but please give this post a phat LIKE and i’ll come to your tumblr or discord messages and maybe we can plot something out ! i am so so excited to write with all you lovely people, and i hope you give my dgkfdj terrifying son and myself a chance. <3

DINNER PARTY ( plot ) || given that there are a lot of rich socialite families here, i figure that nate’s family is bound to know a few of the other wealthy families !! a fun lil thread we could possibly do is have the pair run into each other at one of these galas. maybe it’s a run-of-the-mill affair, maybe it’s something run by the rutherfords that these two happen to both be attending, maybe it’s run through the university. maybe it’s a charity gala. they could be friendly somewhat, maybe they hate each other, maybe they’re childhood friends. let’s discuss. >:) 

STARS ABOVE ( plot ) || as a major of astrophysics and heading towards his phd, nate loves the stars. it’s probably the only positive emotion he has kjgfdkjgdf. so i dont know HOW this would work, but perhaps nate and someone else look for the stars together. nate has a whole professional set up and is like,,, a total nerd so he’s not fooled by the mysticism or, admittedly, the romance of it. maybe your character is high and happens upon him at night, maybe your muse thinks that nate is the killer ( lmao ) and wants to investigate, maybe your muse is a fellow chess member and wants to get to know this billy goat gruff. 

FOR BETTER OR WORSE ( connection )|| nate is a perfect person to fulfill everyone’s favourite trope of ‘the good person wanting their love to transform the bad person into a good person’. maybe it’s platonic, maybe it’s romantic, but someone wants  to make nate a better man. what i say to them - good luck lmfao. however i’d love to plot this out as it could go literally anyway !!

ENEMIES  ( connection )|| fuck, i need nate to have all the enemy connections. i figure most people will dislike him on principle anyway bc he’s human rubbish kgjkdf BUT maybe they are academic rivals ? maybe they grew up together and have always been competing ? maybe they used to be friends and they fell out ? maybe nate said something horrible to them and they were never forgiven ? maybe they are super close with nate’s brother and since nate dfkgjdf dislikes him, they are enemies by consequence ?

HATESHIP ( connection ) || i can’t decide what i want more kdjfgdkf but basically ??? this friendship is of two people who don’t like each other, but they hate literally everyone else so they join together in their mutual hatred. maybe they actually bond more over time, maybe their somewhat petty rant sessions about everyone else never change. either way, it would be super fun to have nate be in a 70 year old woman dynamic with someone dkfjgd.

BETTER MAN ( connection ) || so many people love to reveal the ‘heart of gold’ underneath someone surly and temperamental. it happens all the time. for some reason unbeknowst to anyone, someone takes an interest in nate for some reason. sees more to him than is strictly there. wants to see him become a better person. jokes on them, nate probably won’t develop kdgfjdf BUT it could be a really fun connection to play out ! it could be extra spicy if we add a dash of kjdgdf romance to it too somehow !

okay this was a huge ass mess. i usually go to bed at 9pm every night ( IM NOT KIDDING ) and its currently 12:44am my time so dkfgjdf. i am going to leave this here. i hope this makes sense ??? but thank you so much for reading. remember to like this if you wanna plot, but either way i look forward to seeing you on the dash !! <3 <3

i’m going to mainline some tylenol and forget that this whole afternoon existed

I see a therapist, like a real live person, at the beginning of may. I’m so utterly petrified that I’m going to say the wrong thing and undermine the help that I need. I wish, like I always do, like I have always, always wished that I knew the right thing to say and the right way to act. I need to be honest, and calm, and somehow condense my 20 plus years of medical history and my fucked-up family life into a succinct, half-hour session. I have to trust this person immediately, be open, be attentive. that’s ...a tall order. like I said, I’m petrified that I won’t say what I’m supposed to in order to make my case and I’ll be dropped from priority. I come across as....well, as not really that ill.  My psychiatrist called me defensive and combative. which I am. it’s not a pleasant trait but my god its firmly in there.  I’ve been living with depression since I was about 10 but it’s not...not very visible. It takes a very long time for that sadness to be apparent to someone else. It comes across as hostility and nihilistic humour, to be honest. I don’t like admitting it to myself, how deeply this combination of futility/self-loathing goes. It comes on like it’s never left. I think I failed my exam today. I’ve been contemplating dropping out of school completely because I don’t really see the point in continuing. the margin for error is so so small and I am unforgiving towards any mistakes when I could have tried so much harder. I don’t really know how to fight, you know? And it’s all so horrible, self-reinforcing. I know, point-blank, I have no reason to be like this. Yeah, emotional abuse from my father and my mother probably is autistic and is entirely too logical and judgmental for a fuck up like me as a daughter. also she was horribly horribly emotionally abused for like, a long ass time. - like I learned no coping skills or emotional regulation and I have like, negative self-worth and I have always been super super intense, childish, and the last to pick up on any emotional cues. that’s all pretty small stuff though, like everyone has a shitty childhood? my life has been pretty privileged, I cannot deny that at all. my psychiatrist keeps looking for trauma, reasons for me being like this. I don’t...really know how to explain to him that there’s no real reason, I’ve just always been this way. too loud, too close, too possessive, too needy, too young, too slow, too judgmental, too constantly seeking validation. Wholly, completely self-centered. Emotionally manipulative. I look into my memories and there is barely anything real, it’s all just a miasma of anxiety and talking over people. like, I don’t remember what things were like when I liked myself? I must have, at some point. I don’t remember when doing stuff didn’t fill me with fear, when the memories of good times weren’t tainted by my fuckups. And the constant, constant need to be liked, to have some kind of purpose, connection, something real. Some reason to keep getting up and putting myself through all this. The amount of friendships I have ruined or that have slipped through my fingers, or I have undervalued, or I have strained, just by being me. I never, ever, know it’s going to happen until it does. There’s an inevitability to it. I mean, my father was a lovely person, until you got to know him. He would give you the shirt off his back but he’d never, ever apologize for anything. We were all happier when he lived on a separate continent. IK mean, we talked all the time and we saw him a couple times a year. But the day to day living? That’s...that’s the kind of distance my presence requires. He knew he made us that unhappy. He was so terribly unhappy himself. He had plenty of reasons. I miss him a lot. We’re basically the same person. Unhappiness just kind of oozes out, infecting everyone around us. It’s hard to see at first. But it’s there. You feel it once you get to know me. 

How do I describe that to someone I don’t know? I can barely describe it to myself. I can barely type it without crying. How inevitable and ingrained this unhappiness is. And there’s no reason for it. It’s just...it’s like I’m missing something. Some piece of humanity that would make me real. That would make what I do sincere and normal. I know I have an issue with boundaries. I know I come across way way way way too much way too quickly.  It’s been a constant refrain since I was about 10: if only I didn’t need people, I would be all right. I don’t know what I’ve done until after the fact, until its too late. Needless, endless apologies should be my tagline. 

it’s just so horribly lonely. I’m so tired of being alone. I’m constantly trapped by and surrounded by my own self-hatred. It’s so cliche it makes me sick of myself. I don’t have any reason to be this hard on myself. I don’t have any reason to be this depressed. I can barely qualify as having depression. I just ...don’t see any point? Of living? Of trying?  I don’t remember what it was like not to feel this way. I don’t think I was ever normal. 

it’s this constant struggle of ‘I have a mental illness’ and ‘no i’m just lazy and entitled and I don’t want to do the work I just want perfect results’ and ‘I don’t have a legitimate reason to be this way’ and ‘I really cannot handle this for another second’. My whole family is the type to say they’re fine when they are literally crying their eyes out/in severe amounts of pain/ready to collapse/at their limits. everything’s fine, fine, fine, always fine. 

i do know that in the end, the only one who can save me is me. i just don’t really see any reason to. Like, I keep grasping at straws? I can’t kill myself though, I can’t do that to my mother or my brother. The thought of living for another 40 years (I mean, my diabetic complications will probably get me sooner than that) just feels me with dread and exhaustion though. The primary reason I don’t want to have kids (other than medical, cause I’m on too much medication that’s rough on a fetus) is because I don’t want to be resentful towards my kid for having to stay alive for them. Who can I say that to? How horrible does that make me sound? What a fucking load of shite, I’m so full of it. For some stupid reason, I thought things would just be better? I thought being on meds, and having a stable life, and being back at school after fucking it up so badly the first time, that I’d be better? 

It’s a wasteland, though. The space between not wanting to live and not being able to die. It takes such constant effort to keep all my shit in check. everythin just spilling out everywhere. 

But I’m just...like this. This is just the way that I am. I’m so sick of myself. I can’t fully put it into words how much I hate myself. All these opportunities and possibilities and a life that’s been free of trauma and responsibilities, and I’m just ...kind of a waste? A big ole burden on my family and friends? It’s...the weight of that makes it hard to breathe. It makes it really hard to try to do anything and it’s so fucking stupid. Just this big old cycle of never ending uselessness. I don’t really believe I can do anything. Everything, friendships, communication, school work, organizing shit, engaging with things, meeting up with friends, keeping my life together. All of it is ...more than I’m really able to handle. Everything’s a bit too much? Like i was supposed to tell my bank that I’m a student by november. I got the letter and everything. 

I just never went with it to the bank. 

Still haven’t. 

Thats such a microcosm for my life. All the materials, all the ability, all the chances, all the ducks lined up in a row and then...nothing. Just a disappointment and a missed chance. 

I can’t believe I’m 32. Nothing but my own self-hatred to keep me company from here on it.  Well. And my cats. I am though, a bad cat owner. keeping these hellbeasts inside is more than I am capable of. Haha, that’s pretty low on the priority list though. 

This is the work that I need to do. I don’t have a clue how to approach it. That’s what I need help with. Finding something to hold on too. It’s getting harder and harder as I get older. It shouldn’t, because my life is actually so much better now that it was. The bad stuff just gets harder and harder to walk back from. I think it’s the loneliness? I wish I wasn’t so horribly horribly lonely. My choices are always, do it alone or don’t do anything at all. Reach out and be rejected. Reach out and panic when someone reaches back. Reach out and alienate the person forever. Reach out and be told it was not my place. Fail, again and again to differentiate. Fail, again and again to learn. 

anyway. Tylenol. sleep. one more week of exams. 

my marks are going to be so horrible this year.