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texanredrose · 6 years

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Dear Diary - June

aka “Useless Lesbian Observes Other Useless Lesbians, Featuring Blake Belladonna, Who Is Both the Only Sane Woman And Too Much of a Gay Mess To Make Use of That”

June 1st- Dear Diary, I know I said I outgrew you years ago, but I find myself in the unique position of being surrounded by idiots. Moreso than usual, at any rate. Yang- that brute from the boxing team- has become a dear enough friend to me since graduation that I decided to invite her to my birthday party earlier this year. Her sister, Ruby, has truly been the best friend I could’ve hoped for- barring a few... unfortunate incidents... that we swore to never speak of again- and I’d thought she’d come along as a plus one anyway, but the personal invitation seemed to be the better route and while I wasn’t disappointed by including her, it’s quickly devolved into a constant source of frustration for me. At the party, she met Winter, and they are quite possibly the gayest, most oblivious twits on the face of Remnant. I am positively suffering, Diary. I can only stand them dancing around each other for so long! Not to say they wouldn’t make a cute couple- Winter somehow appreciates Yang’s terrible sense of humor and Yang’s always been the supportive sort, and she doesn’t seem the least bit put off by Penny, something I can only take as a good sign- but I’m caught in the precarious situation of full well knowing they could be together but not being able to convey that effectively. Yang’s too hardheaded to do anything other than what she wants to, when she wants to, and Winter possesses the same aversion to ‘good natured advice’ as I do, so I’m forced to be subtle. Yet, the hints I’ve already tried dropping to both of them may as well have been given to a brick wall and a statue, respectively. I don’t think they’re intentionally being obtuse but I’m forced to wonder how metaphorically blind someone must be to miss the signs of attraction between them. How long until they drive me insane? Or until the sexual tension suffocates the rest of us? I’ll let you know, Diary.

p.s. I suppose I should mention this, if only to try to work it out for myself. For the past few months, I’ve been discussing the whole ridiculous issue with Blake. I know Ruby would rather not be privy to her sister’s romantic pursuits, even if she did make it known that she holds the same opinion as I do regarding a potential relationship between our sisters, so my options have been limited when it comes to frank, open discussion. But I’ve noticed she’s acting a bit... odd, recently. I mentioned that, were I Winter, I would absolutely consider Yang’s ‘friendly gift’ of a hand-picked flower bouquet- regardless of the excuse- a romantic overture. The next day, Blake showed me a collection of flowers she’d picked when Yang went and let me have them- a beautiful collection, I might add; she certainly has a tasteful eye for compositions. When I reminded her of my words the day before, she just... turned around and walked away. Quickly. I’m not quite sure what to make of it.

June 4th- Dear Diary, I decided to be proactive. If Yang and Winter deign to continue dancing around each other, than I’ll simply have to coax the two of them together myself, now won’t I? Unfortunately, it’s easier said than done.

I thought it would be easiest to give them a comfortable, casual setting, so I cajoled Ruby and Blake into helping me organize a dinner of the sort Ruby and Yang recalled from their childhoods- a bar-bee-queue, though I’m not sure if that’s the proper spelling. While the food itself was delicious, the mingling portion attracted a few more people than I anticipated. First Jaune showed up, which I probably should’ve anticipated seeing as he remained close friends with Ruby, and he’d brought Pyrrha along. On its own, innocent enough, but I should’ve expected Yang’s penchant for showboating to turn a game of horseshoes into a competition and that Pyrrha would be too polite to decline, and one should never introduce a Schnee to something competitive and expect things not to escalate. Although I’ll admit it’s the most I’ve seen Winter smile in a long while- perhaps since she finalized Penny’s adoption- things quickly got out of hand when Nora and Ren showed up, mainly because of the former and not the latter. Long story made short: there were firecrackers involved, a debate on the proper ratios of gunpowder, the fire department eventually showed up, and we are never letting Ruby ‘prove a point’ in such a fashion again. Thankfully, Winter’s extensive research into first aid ended up being quite useful, though I still believe she’s being a touch paranoid in regards to Penny. She babies the young woman so very much- and much to the contrary of what’s been implied by others, I’m not, in the slightest bit, jealous that Penny’s being treated with kid gloves while Winter gave me more of a ‘tough love’ treatment; our situations are entirely different and we’ve come to terms with the difficulties of our pasts, and I honestly wouldn’t trade the bond we have now as sisters for anything in the world- but I suppose it does have its merits. And watching Yang’s absolutely lovestruck expression while Winter tended to everyone’s wounds, that dopey grin that makes her look like she’s just waking up after a surgery... I’ll admit, I’d rather like for someone to look at me like that. Not in public, perhaps, because she probably should have paid more attention to the firefighter asking her questions, but I’m quite certain Yang would worship Winter if given the chance, and I am trying very hard to ignore the double entendre, dust damnit, I’ve been hanging out with that buffoon too long.

What I mean is, I know Yang would be good for Winter, and Winter’s come so very far in showing open affection since she became Penny’s guardian. I just don’t know how to make them see that. It was positively comical watching them amid the chaos- every time Yang would be wearing that dopey grin, Winter would be entirely focused on the task at hand, while whenever Winter anxiously looked her way, Yang would be trying to cheer up Pyrrha or Jaune- which reminds me, I should check in with them, they seemed a bit shaken up after the explosion- or joking with the firefighters, and watching the relief and softness that came to her expression...

For all our difficulties in the past, I love my sister deeply, and I am resolute in helping her get together with Yang. I truly believe they could be the exact sort of supportive partner the other needs. Now, if they’d only stop being oblivious idiots and assist me, that’d be swell.

Also... well, I didn’t get a chance to mention this during the party itself due to all the excitement but... Blake wore this stunning summer dress and earrings in both sets of ears and I am once again awestruck by both her inherent beauty and her knack for bringing it out in such a subtle way. If I hadn’t been so focused on watching Yang and Winter, I’d probably have found it difficult to look away from her. If there is a bright side to this whole mess, it’s that I’m getting to spend more time with Blake. I’m rather peeved at myself for not doing so before; she’d absolutely delightful company- witty and reserved but passionate and dedicated. I think I should invite her to the mall the next time I go; I’d love to have her opinion on a dress for the gala in a few months.

And hasn’t that given me an idea.

June 13th- Dear Diary, So far, my attempts to convince Winter to ask Yang to the gala have been met with reactions varying from stammered excuses to outright refusals. Apparently, Winter’s of the mind that Yang would absolutely detest such a stuffy affair, and while I don’t think she’s wrong, I also know that Yang is a woman of many skills, and blending in when she wants to happens to be one of them. However, all my efforts on that front have been met with limited success, so I’m forced to try cajoling Yang into giving her opinion on the matter without being quite so obvious in setting her up to do so. Thankfully, Blake’s been a true friend and brought it up during our game session the other night. Oh, she tried avoiding the question at first, but very quickly, Yang stopped dancing around and said that she’d always wanted to go to a ‘fancy party’ but lacked the funds for an appropriately stylish gown. She expressed a sincere concern that her concept of ‘fancy’ and the standard fare for the gala were worlds apart but, other than that, seemed rather interested in attending- which is more than I can say for either of us who are invited.

Well, if there’s one thing the past few years have taught me, it’s that good friends can’t be bought, but money can make the lives of good friends much better. Naturally, when Winter brought up going shopping this weekend for our outfits, I invited along Yang and Blake as well. The four of us doing a little bonding and shopping, what could go wrong? Winter perhaps saw through my attempt at feigning nonchalance with the suggestion, but agreed all the same. Even if she won’t admit it, I think my suggestion is taking root.

I will keep you updated, Diary. Right now, I think it’s the only thing preserving my senses. Oh, and I’m rather looking forward to what sort of attire Blake might opt to wear. I floated the idea that I can’t possibly keep tabs on both Winter and Yang throughout the night alone and asked if she would mind accompanying me. She responded to the idea positively, and I’m glad Yang as such a stalwart friend to look out for her. Maidens know she needs a few, with the way she carries on. I think I might start keeping a closer eye on her; with a friend like Yang, she’s bound to need someone to lean on herself from time to time, and while I have no doubts as to Yang’s abilities to look out for her best friend, I’m sure Blake could always use a little extra support. And, really, she deserves it. Our outing to the mall turned out rather nice; perhaps she’d like to join me for a run through the park one of these mornings? I realize she’s not as interested in maintaining the rigorous fitness regimen she’d kept while a member of the track and field team, but a little job in the morning isn’t too much, right? Considering her figure, I’m sure she’s still athletic enough for it.

I feel like I should at least make the offer and hope for the best.

June 17th- Dear Diary, On the one hand, success. It took only one look at Yang in a beautiful white gown that accentuated her figure while remaining modest- so much like the one she wore to the Spring Formal during our Sophomore year at college- and Winter could hardly form words. I’ve never seen my sister so gobsmacked in twenty two years of being on this planet. Some part of me is absolutely ecstatic; when I suggested Yang attend the gala with Winter, no one objected. Winter just nodded, as if the power of speech eluded her completely, and I’d be willing to wager Yang had a similar reaction to Winter’s choice of a white tuxedo with blue accents, even if I personally find it a bit... cliche, at least when it comes to Winter. She never did take a liking to dresses, for some reason. Anyway, Yang’s eyes positively lit up, but she retained the power of speech rather effortlessly. She’s always been the resilient one, bouncing back from even the hardest hit.

On the other hand, I... believe I may have miscalculated on something. Blake looked absolutely gorgeous in her selected gown- purples and blacks that made her amber eyes pop out like freshly polished gemstones- but she seemed almost shy when I said as much. I’m concerned; being around Blake is so easy, effortless even- it’s not like Ruby’s high energy or Yang’s sustained exposure, or even Winter’s strong insistence or Penny’s genuinely clueless demeanor. I’m not sure if her sudden shift to being more distant is a sign that my company is unwanted- the very thought puts a pain in my chest, to be frank- or if there’s something else. Perhaps she’s self conscious? It was just a few years ago when we were... less than cordial with each other, and now she’ll be hopefully attending the gala with me to help get Winter and Yang together. It might put her in an awkward position.

I’ll simply have to ensure there’s no lingering discomfort.

6 - 20

Okay. So, like, I haven’t done this in a while- like, a LONG time- but I remember it used to help me figure things out when I was younger, kinda like a to-do list for processing the things I could barely understand after Mom died. I think some therapist suggested it to me, I dunno- not the point.

What IS the point? Straight up: I am falling faster than a sky diving elephant with a tungsten parachute and I have no clue what to do.

I guess I could go back to the beginning, just real quick, because maybe mapping it out will show me what to do next, like, as if I could just draw out a time line and figure out when would be a good time to make the next move- provided I even COULD to begin with, because I’ve been a mess recently, lemme tell ya.

Anyway, so this chick, Weiss- great gal, a bit uppity at the start but that’s mostly passed, a real sweetheart once you get past the frosty exterior- invited Rubes and me over to her birthday party. I figured no big, bring a gift, eat some cake, try not to get kicked out, the usual when it comes to dealing with people who’ve yet to embrace the sacred art of The Pun.

Well, there I was, minding my own business, when I turn and come face-to-face with Weiss’ sister, Winter. She’s mentioned her before- taller, more severe, more exacting, the product of too high expectations and military training pushing her to the limits and her somehow not breaking but coming out jagged and jaded, all in all a rough sounding customer- but this is the NEW and IMPROVED Winter, after they’d reconciled and started fresh, and I’m just. I’m still not over it. I’ve almost steamrolled people before on accident- that’s what happens when ‘each muscle group has its own zip code’ as Blakey puts it- but I bumped into her and almost stumbled myself! Apparently, she’s been keeping up with the military physical regimen now that she’s out. So of course, my next thought is ‘this chick’s gonna deck me’ and I swear I saw it flash in her eyes, but then she just smiles that little Schnee smile, and apologizes- can you believe that! Straight up said the word ‘sorry’ like it was nothing! Geez, hard enough to get Weiss to say that, must run in the family (though, I should give the little frosty some credit, she’s gotten A LOT better since she started hanging out with us).

Well, anyway, I figure I should be polite, yeah? So, we start talking, and she mentions her daughter- she said ‘ward’ is a better term, but after I asked her if that meant she was secretly Batman, she laughed and agreed the word sounded a bit ridiculous out loud.

And, yeah, her laugh? It sounds R I D I C U L O U S. I swear, it’s like she’s so unused to actually LAUGHING that she hasn’t figured out how it’s supposed to sound. Ah, that probably sounds mean, but it’s not really a bad thing! Listening to how her laugh changed, became more natural as I kept telling jokes- honestly, I’m digging it!

So, anyway, I mention how I basically raised Ruby, and the convo started gettin... kinda heavy I guess? We started talking about regrets and stuff- things we wish we’d done differently, how proud we are that our sisters turned out so good after the hell they were put through. I get the feeling Winter blames herself for a lot of it and well... yeah, I can see that, but I can also see she’s trying to do better with Penny. Gave her some tips, told her to not lose faith in herself.

Look, I know it’s not much, but when she looked me dead in the eye and said she appreciated my advice, that it sounded smart and heartfelt? It got me. It’s been a while since someone didn’t take a look at either the muscles or the hair and assume I’ve got less between my ears than there is water in a Vacuon desert. Hell, even BLAKE gave me shit when I tried giving her advice, and she’s my best friend!

Anyway, that’s all a few months ago, and between then and now, I think I’ve gotten a pretty good read on Winter. She’s still trying to figure out how to be supportive without being abrasive and while she’s not super crazy about being called out on it, I think I’ve figured out how to do it without ticking her off. It’s worked a few times, anyway, and it made me feel good that I could help her out, like a friend would.

But, ya know, I’m also thinkin... maybe we could be more than friends? She’s smart, she’s strong, she’s dedicated almost to the point of being self destructive, and while she’s got some rougher areas, she’s genuinely trying to be a better person- for Weiss’ sake and Penny’s. I noticed she’s hugging both of them more than she used to, anyway, but that also might have something to do with a... kinda... near death experience that I had no part in whatsoever, nope, I did NOT start that. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

Maybe it’s just my ego getting into it a bit but... I dunno. I mean, part of any relationship is growing together, while also growing as individuals, and everyone I’ve been with in the past romantically I’ve left in the dust. With Winter it’s like... yeah, she’s ahead of me in some ways, but way behind in others- she does know her way around an engine, though, lemme tell ya- and it’s a nice change. Because there’s things I can teach her and there’s things she’s teaching me, like how changing my posture helps improve my mood and stuff. She says half the work is mental but I dunno, I think she’s onto something.

Geez, now I’m even more confused. I mean, she laughs at my jokes, like REALLY laughs, and she doesn’t act like I’ve got some sort of reputation to live up to or stereotype to abide. I can just be ME and she seems to really like ME. But she doesn’t sugar coat ANYTHING; she definitely isn’t the type to beat around the bush. I’ve gotten so used to people just avoiding the bad spots in my past- I mention my bio mom abandoned me as a baby, and they stop mentioning moms altogether, even though I had a GREAT mom for a long time! It’s just little stuff like that- but Winter’s not the type of person to avoid the parts that hurt. When I started going off at the BBQ about finally getting a hint about Raven, she listened and encouraged me- cautioned me, too, because it’s been over twenty years and I get it, it’s not like I’m expecting a happy ending- but ya know. I can’t even get Dad to talk about her, and Ruby never knew her, and Qrow’s too drunk to speak any language more than half the time so... having someone to just talk to about the things that bother me who isn’t going to try and turn it around or something... it meant a lot.

But also, like... have I mentioned she’s drop dead gorgeous? Because she is. For whatever reason, Weiss invited me and Blakey on a shopping trip, looking at fancy dresses for this big party they have coming up, and I thought, ya know. I look good, I know it, so might as well try and hedge my bets, yeah? Picked out a nice dress- that I wouldn’t be able to afford if it wasn’t for Weiss spotting me the money, gotta figure out how to pay her back, I’d almost forgotten that part- and, yeah, I rocked it.

But Winter. Holy- there’s no words. I never really thought about it before but I have a weakness to women in suits, I’ve suddenly discovered, because my knees went WEAK. Like.

Yeah, so writing this out isn’t doing me ANY good, obviously, because I can’t even figure out HOW TO WORD right now just remembering it. I just.

Winter ticks a lot of boxes for me. Blake says that’s an awful way to put it, like people are just a series of traits that can be easily put in boxes rather than a complex series of emotions and tendencies, but there’s no better way to put it! She’s not perfect by any means but I’m starting to see the woman beneath the rough exterior- it’s just like how Weiss took some time to open up and not be a total brat.

And I really wanna be there to see it, up close.

I dunno. It’s probably me getting ahead of myself- wouldn’t be the first time- and I should cool my jets. From what Weiss has said, she’s still adjusting to life outside the military and they’re both getting used to freedom away from their family. Maybe I’m just excited- I love meeting new people, and Winter’s definitely a character in her own right, and Penny’s absolutely adorable, I think she hit it off with Ruby and they’re, like, best friends now.

I guess I’ll see where things go. I mean. I like her, but it’s only been a few months, so maybe this crush is entirely superficial and it’ll die out.

Oh, but I am going to the fancy party with her! I guess bringing someone along is a pretty big deal and it’d be a shame not to wear this dress somewhere. Probably won’t ever have a chance again.

Not sure I can curtsy in those heels, though. I think I’ll practice that and just get through the party, then worry about the rest. Think I’ll go pick some wildflowers for her again; she really seemed to like that.

Maybe there’s some merit to this ‘writing shit down’ thing after all.

20170623

Some part of me vehemently disagrees with the notion of recording my thoughts and feelings anywhere they might be found but I find myself at an impasse. Traditionally, if I encountered a problem, I would construct a sand table with whatever materials were available to me and work things out from there, but this isn’t the sort of problem that can be flanked or out maneuvered. I can at least take comfort in knowing that Penny won’t stumble onto this, so long as I keep it in my desk.

It’s been just over a year since I left the military service. Reintegration to civilian life has been... bumpy to say the least but progress is being made. I have a decent job, I have means of transport, and I make enough to support myself and Penny comfortably. By all accounts, I’m doing rather well and even James agrees. I certainly wouldn’t be this stable had I remained in the rotation, so leaving has proven to be the best solution to fit my needs.

However, I know there’s a long way to go in many respects. Weiss and I have begun repairing our relationship but I feel like there’s much more work to be done, especially after seeing the way she puts a mask on when Penny’s around. It hurts, knowing that my past transgressions will likely forever haunt me, but I can do little to change the past. Recent months have been better- Weiss has taken rather well to being called ‘Aunt’ and I think she’s just as ecstatic as I am regarding Penny’s development. She’s improved by leaps and bounds in several areas, such as conversation and picking up on social cues. How she survived for so long cut off from civilization is a mystery we may never be able to solve but I’m glad she has a home now. It’s given me a clear goal to focus on and has made the transition smoother.

Of course, trying to forge this new family dynamic isn’t the only source of... mixed results in my life post separation. Sometimes, I feel far too young to be raising a nineteen year old while simultaneously being too old to date casually. At twenty six, I realize I should probably be looking for a long term partner; the chance to ‘party’ and ‘sow my oats’ never interested me, so I let it pass me by. Unfortunately, this has left me rather... unprepared for finding long term companionship.

Upon reflection, perhaps the fact I’m calling it ‘long term companionship’ is a sign I might be... skirting the issue.

I want a girlfriend. There. That’s as direct as I can be.

I sound like a child.

It never came up while I served. It would be impractical to maintain a long term commitment with someone I’d hardly see. Dating within the ranks never worked out well for anyone- with the few exceptions, but even they had their tribulations to overcome. Any dates I went on prior to my tenure were borne of social obligation and nothing I, personally, wanted to do.

So the question becomes... where do I begin?

I’m tempted to default to what I know- it’s a goal to strive towards, which means it fits the definition of a mission, and I know how to accomplish those- but Yang’s encouraged me to step away from that mindset. The advice is sound but actually applying it... I’m not so sure.

Yang’s probably the only reason I’m entertaining any of this, truly. A friend of Weiss’ from university- we met earlier this year and she’s... been on my mind more and more as time wears on, truth be told. Lurking behind a brash personality is a very tender soul and I find myself drawn to how effortlessly she pours compliments and support to those she cares about, how quick she is to help even strangers, and how she’s a constant source of joy- even of the exasperated sort, though I can tell Weiss is more fond of her antics than she lets on- but I also see something beneath that. She acts unafraid yet there is fear; she acts strong enough to take on the world yet there is weakness; she puts on a mask but it’s for the benefit of others and not to protect herself. She gives gifts freely- she gives so much freely. It’s something I greatly admire.

Weiss has tried encouraging me recently to... get to know Yang better by inviting her to the upcoming gala. While the idea itself sounds amusing I’d hate to burden Yang with the dull pageantry of ‘high society’- a clever way of describing those with their heads buried up their ass.

Penny, if by some chance you find this, never repeat that last word. Never repeat any of this, in fact, and come find me right away. You know you aren’t supposed to go through my desk.

At any rate, Yang agreed to go, for no better reason than to show off her beautiful gown, and I must say, I never put much stock in fictional descriptions of love interests before. The way authors like to wax poetic about a prospective match for the protagonist- I found them laughable.

But I would be lying if I said I didn’t lose my breath when I saw her.

I find myself at a loss. Yang seems like the sort of person to have her choice of partner; all she has to do is look. Yet, she’s single, so there must be a reason. I’m not sure if I’m considered a close enough friend to inquire but she seemed rather insistent about not having a girlfriend or a boyfriend during the... barb EQ? I’m admittedly unsure how that’s spelled but whatever that gathering was... it brought to light a few things about Yang that make me at once more sure I would rather like getting to know her in a romantic sense and even more hesitant. She speaks of traveling to find her mother but I have a duty to stay here and help Penny through school; Ruby’s been a blessing in many ways and it’s good to see Penny with a friend her own age but, still. I think it would be good for Yang to get that closure but I’d be worried about her going alone.

I’m getting ahead of myself. I probably shouldn’t be acting as if a relationship is even viable without talking to Yang first, and doing that presents a number of issues itself.

My wrist is beginning to cramp and I’ve come no closer to figuring out where I stand. I like Yang and I enjoy her company but I’m not sure if things between us will or even can develop nor how to go about nudging them along.

I am, still, at an impasse.

June 30, 2017

I guess part of the appeal when it comes to blogging is the anonymity inherent in the design. Yet, it’s a double edged blade, because it wouldn’t take someone who knows me exceptionally well to put two and two together. Still, enough of you lovely readers seem invested in the real life soap opera that my personal life is turning into to warrant an explanation for my sporadic shouts into the void, so... here it is. More under the cut.

I mentioned how I’ve been getting closer to Princess these last few months. If you’re just tuning in to the drama, she’s the one I mentioned in my author’s note for Ninjas of Love: My Katana and how we’d... well, not started off great, but had significantly improved our relationship by the time I graduated. An enemies to friends sort of arrangement. Recently, it’s become... more than that. I knew she had her hang-ups and her issues- don’t we all?- but now it’s almost like she’s a completely different person- or rather, she’s finally the person she’s always wanted to be. She’s not being held back by outdated ideals and terrible misunderstandings of the world...

... but she’s a meddler.

You think I’m kidding but I’m not; she meddles. Her heart’s in the right place but there’s only so much that can be done about some things. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t force the horse to drink, as the saying goes, but she possesses the sort of will to make me sincerely doubt that age old wisdom.

Anyway, the whole issue is with Princess’ sister- hmmm, I’ll call her... Ice, I guess- and Dragon, my roommate from college. (Actually, we’re switching pseudonyms. Dragon is Fire now, for thematic appropriateness.) Princess is convinced that Ice and Fire would make a cute couple and, honestly, I agree. They’ve got the sort of dynamic that compliments the other’s faults really well- one’s an ex-military hardass trying to be less of a bitch and the other’s a grown-up-too-fast mom friend with a mischievous side who won’t let others take care of her- and they’ve got that aesthetic appeal, too. One’s tall and lean muscle, subtle and stern, while the other’s shorter and built like a tank, all vibrant smiles. So, yes, I admit, this is one of those times when Fire and Ice go rather well together.

However. There are limits in what I’m willing to do for friends.

It started at Princess’ birthday when these two dolts- her terminology, though I can’t fault its application in this particular situation- met and hit it off, apparently. I was... distracted at the time, a bit too anxious about whether or not she’d like my gift (she did) but she noticed. Ever since, it’s nearly all she can talk about.

Which... okay, I get it. Princess and Ice might be sisters, but they had a pretty rocky relationship growing up. It’s not my place to unpack someone else’s baggage, but we’ve talked about it before. I know they’re trying to make amends and be better going forward, and they’re doing a pretty good job on most fronts. Princess just wants to see her sister happy.

But it feels like, recently... she’s kinda oblivious to everything else around her because of it? She gets that way sometimes- so focused on a certain task that the rest of the world falls away and I... absolutely love it. I really didn’t realize it until last month, but being the one she talks to about the whole thing... if she wasn’t so utterly oblivious when she gets like this, I’m pretty sure she would’ve caught me staring at her like a lovestruck fool. Which, while it sounds great in fiction and is something I tend to use... real life isn’t as forgiving. There’s no summary and “angst with a happy ending” tagged on it; it’s a gamble. Considering we’ve just reached a point where we’re on pretty good terms, I’m hesitant to put that in jeopardy already for the sake of sating my curiosity.

I thought maybe creating a little distance would help. It would suck but it might help me figure out if I’m just seeing things; a few attractive traits don’t necessarily make for a good relationship.

Of course, that didn’t... quite pan out like I’d hoped. I mean, I can’t cut contact entirely- both because it’s completely uncalled for and because I don’t want to- so we’ve still talked and seen each other since. I went to a barbecue where Princess tried yet again to get Ice and Fire on the same page- failed in that respect but, on the upside, I now know who to never trust around holidays with small children- and she’s... just something else. She shouldn’t look so pretty in summer- she’s more of a colder seasons person if ever there was one- but she wore a tank top that showed off her collarbone and shoulders and I might be much thirstier than I previously thought because I’m definitely blushing just thinking about it.

And it’s not like I haven’t tried hinting at us getting together. I tried giving her a bouquet of flowers (something she told me she would take as a romantic gesture!) and all I got was confusion in response. Not... negative, entirely, though I didn’t stick around to find out too much how that reaction went, but it wasn’t met with a smile and a kiss and a ‘yes, I’d love to go out with you’, so not exactly encouraging.

But somehow (and I swear, I’m still trying to connect the dots on how) I’m going to be her date for a party. Not “date” as in “person I am actively seeing”, though, more like “accomplice” because I’m pretty sure she only invited me to help her spy on Ice and Fire, who will also be going.

I just... I want to support her. She’s been there for me in ways I never would’ve expected. I feel like we’ve grown- both as people and closer to each other- since those... well, admittedly terrible first impressions we had of each other. And while I want to know how things can continue to develop, I worry about losing such a good friend.

On top of that, I’m dealing with Fire talking my ear off about Ice. They might be sisters but Ice and Princess are two very different women, yet they share just enough in common that listening to Fire gush... I keep wanting to agree or disagree, but I’m keeping my mouth shut for now, and it hurts not to talk to my best friend about this, but she’s... well. She’s over the moon for Ice- she tries to play it off like it’s just a crush, but it’s clearly not- and I don’t want to detract from that. Fire’s the sort that, if I told her I have a crush, too, she’ll completely drop everything to help me get together with Princess. I love her like a sister, but sometimes it’s hard to get her to focus on her own problems instead of everyone else’s.

So, yeah, I’m kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place, and while that’s a situation I’ve written as being rather nice in certain circumstances, living it is hell and I want off this ride, pronto.

I’m probably going to be sporadic the next few weeks until this party. I don’t know why but something in my brain keeps saying ‘learn to dance! Fancy dance! Then ask her to dance!’ and it’s not being cooperative on why that’s an obviously dumb idea.

On the upside, Fire (somehow???) knows ballroom dancing, so we’re going to practice. Maybe one of us can get a happy ending in this mess.

#Elderburn #Monochrome #and a secret ship that you'll NEVER guess hahahahah #TRR writes

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