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asexual-means-no-attraction · 2 years

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Something that also bothers me about the SAM, other than it being redundant and sexualizing sexualities, is that it's legitimately harmful to actual asexual people. I once saw an asexual talk about how they'd been so happy to finally have a label that said "I am not interested at all" without them having to explain every little thing, and it made them be at peace, until suddenly the SAM emerged and made asexuality lose its meaning. They said that they went from being able to say they were ace and having people understand they shouldnt come onto them, to saying they were ace and having to once again explain about the specifics of who they did not want to date or sleep with (which was no one) because now people expected it to come with an addendum. Hearing their story completely changed my view on the whole thing. Asexuals are suffering just as much under this SAM bs as the rest of us, if not more

You are 100% right. That exact thing is part of how I realized the issues with demisexual. Because a "bond" can be defined differently for everyone. When I identified as demi I considered it as meaning several years of knowing someone before you like them (cuz of dysphoria that's how long it took me to realize I liked someone). But then I had a roommate who called herself demi who'd get crushes within a week.

It made demisexual lose meaning altogether. For my roommate a week was a long time and it counted since it wasn't immediate.

When you start to define attraction like that it causes a lot of issues. Sexuality is supposed to be broad enough that it includes a lot of people, but specific enough NOT to include everyone. Really the only time there should be gray area between what your sexuality is, is when you are questioning or have a very specific case (ex: you're a man who's wife just became a husband. You still love him but don't like any other man. You might not really consider yourself bisexual. And so sexuality lands in a sorta gray area). But for most people it's really simple: who are you attracted to. NOT how. Just who.

When you start using the SAM you water down words. You make such specific labels that you can't create support groups big enough to have a meaningful effect. You make it so that everyone can be identified with the SAM and claim asexuality as their own. You make it so asexual literally has no meaning at all just as op said. Not to mention how many of the labels are just repackaged homo/bi/etc pobia and it encourages you not to unpack that.

It just. Has issue upon issue. And I'm really happy to see more people realizing that.

#answered #ask #discourse #asexual discourse #lgbt discourse

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queer-cat-policy · 3 years

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Hi! I’m Ace!

Hi, I am ace. Not like the ace of spades but rather ace as in the slang for Asexual. And here I am, telling you, a stranger this. Not just a stranger but many. Writing essays, countless posts, and telling the world as kindly as possible about how I exist is pretty exhausting. But it is more exhausting being invisible. So now I join a movement, an invisible one fighting for visibility, so that maybe, just maybe, we find others like us.

I like to be fully disclosed, I will give you the definition of asexuality but the rest of it is all me. You cannot apply this article to learn about your friends. Maybe, if they are anything like me, you gain some insight, but the reality is, I write this in hopes that someone reading it will feel a little less alone in the world. Maybe this helps you understand that you are not abnormal, instead you are a human being first and foremost and deserve empathy like one. So, what I am saying is, do not take this article as the be all of asexuality. If you have an asexual friend in your life, you should ask them the questions you have with the intention of strengthening your relationship and becoming informed on a topic you previously were not informed about. And if you are asexual and my experiences don’t resonate with you, I encourage you to seek the rest of the community and know you are valid and you are not alone.

What is Asexuality?

Asexuality by itself at its most basic, universal definition, is defined as a lack of sexual attraction. And that’s it. The rest is a spectrum. There are many different types of asexual people, every single one has different experiences and feelings of attraction or may not even feel attraction at all. So we call this a spectrum and some parts of the spectrum have different titles. I think most people have no idea that attraction outside sexual attraction exists, meaning they didn’t know there are other names for attraction. Someone who identifies as asexual but is still attracted to people can feel aesthetic attraction, romantic attraction, physical attraction, emotional attraction, intellectual attraction, social attraction… and the list goes on.

There is something called the A-spectrum which isn’t just asexuality but aromantic, demi romantic, gray romantic, demi sexual, and gray sexual. Demi means that that attraction does not occur until an emotional bond is formed, gray means someone who has limited experiences with that attraction.

What Makes Me Asexual?

Asexuality means something different for every single person who identifies under it and because I can’t name really every type of asexual person out there, I am going to tell you a little bit about myself.

I am asexual because I feel no sexual attraction to anyone. I, in particular, do not want sex and am quite repulsed at the idea of it. I don’t enjoy the sex obsessed culture either and tend not to partake in it. I do however find people attractive for several reasons, it is usually an individual thing. I emotionally bond with people before I feel anything towards them for one. The attraction from there can be emotional or aesthetic. I know what type of personalities I draw in and enjoy interacting with too. I date and have been in about three relationships in my life but only one was long term.

Romantically, I don’t tend to identify. I say this because things change from person to person (as in depending on the individual I am attracted to). I will usually umbrella myself following the explanation of my asexual identity, stating that I am queer alongside being asexual or if I’m not comfortable talking about my asexuality, I leave it at queer. I say queer because I am attracted to different people for different reasons and sometimes gender isn’t necessarily a discriminating factor. I have mostly emotionally bonded with men in the past, but I find women physically and aesthetically attractive. Additionally, I am not exclusively attracted to men or women, I also can be attracted to transgender and non-binary people.

Is Asexuality in LGBT?

The Asexual community gets a lot of ping pong discussion about rather or not we are apart of the LBGTQIA+ Community. Some people believe that if you are just asexual and hetero-romantic and cis… then you should not be identifying as part of the LGBTQIA+ Community. I won’t get to deep into it, but the truth is, the A is for the asexual spectrum, not just the queer asexual folks. And we too have struggles, some much like the rest of the community and some very different. To leave out asexual people is aphobic in my personal opinion and a gatekeeping tactic. I one time read someone who was upset that the community had become like “the island of misfit toys.” I won’t tell you what to believe about this, but I’ll definitely talk about this in later posts so if you’re interested in reading more about it, keep an eye out!

The Fears of Asexuals…

We live in a sex obsessed culture. Sex is literally everywhere. It is in music, TV, movies, school, social life, work, art, commercials, food----- This culture is absolutely thriving (this is not a good thing) off of the exploitation of sexuality. Especially of women. If you can’t understand the problem with this, imagine hating the super bowl around Thanksgiving or Christmas at… well Christmas, when every store, elevator, billboard, TV series, and artist is throwing Christmas in your face. Except for asexual people, this is our life everyday we wake up and live in the world. Every. Day.

Because everyone around us is so obsessed with sex, asexual people can feel overwhelmingly alone. And for those seeking a significant other, that is a legitimate fear. Everyone else around us in relationships all require the one thing we will not give: Sex. You’ll never guess the number of times I get unmatched on dating apps after someone asks me what asexual means or after the first time I mention it outside my profile… because I guess if I don’t say anything than all the flags on my profile that include my sexual identity can be potentially false?

Asexual people, because many of us are very uncultured in sexual cues and such, are also at risk of being sexually abused and assaulted. Asexual people have gotten into situations where they are legitimately sexually attacked either because they have rejected someone or someone tries to change them by forcing themselves on them, or because they miss cues. Remember though if you have been sexually assaulted it is not your fault. There is no “what if I did this differently.” We are trained currently to be blameful of ourselves in sexual assault situations. But the fact is, if you did not consent to it- if there was no clear/in the right mind consent to it- it should not have happened and there is absolutely no excuse on the attacker’s part that should change that verdict.

Another part to being in a sex obsessed culture is just the sheer disbelief that people exist that do not want it. Rather it is for the intimacy or instincts, it will truly awestruck people of all kinds to the point they may tell us that we are not real. Not valid. Every asexual person has heard “you haven’t found the right person,” “How do you know if you’ve never had it,” “you can’t be asexual, you have a significant other,” “Love can’t really exist without sex,” “you’re just scared.” And we think about these things like ‘what if,’ and let other people’s invalidation of our identities invalidate ourselves.

Asexual Relationships?

It is a common misconception that asexual people do not date or do not have these kinds of intimate relationships. It is true that some people who identify as asexual also identify as aromatic or choose not to date or seek intimate relationships, but this does not describe the entire asexual community. Some asexual people will only date other asexual people, some do not. Asexual people in non-asexual relationships may come to a compromise in that relationship or vice versa. But it is incredibly important to remember that what matters most is that both parties are being satisfied. That may mean we discover that this partner is not the one. The needs need to be met on both sides.

As previously mentioned, there are a lot of people who think love must come with sex. You are more likely to come across someone with that mindset on the street than not. I personally try to meet people via online dating, and I would not say I have been 100% successful or unsuccessful. I have made several friends, I have had a boyfriend, I have done a lot of dating, I’ve also been unmatched as soon as they realize I am not wanting to sleep with them. That can be extremely… demeaning. And bad for self-esteem. I wrote something a little about how it feels to be consistently rejected for being asexual. I get rejected sometimes before people even know what asexual is. They know it is something from the LGBTQIA+ Community, it’s not straight, it’s not normal. And yes, maybe I shouldn’t want to be with someone like that but it feels like there are more people like that than not and there is no cure for the overwhelming fear that I will end up alone. It also creates an uncertain anxiety when I do not know why I may have been rejected. My brain defaults to “it’s because I’m asexual” and I go through the same devastation I would if I knew for sure it’s because I am asexual.

On the other side are the people who decide to date an asexual with the intention of being the one to “fix us.” Or they think it will change- because ultimately, they don’t believe in asexuality. Or they think it is personal, like instead of me being repulsed by sex I am repulsed by the person. For me, since I am not a very physically affectionate person (even when I am that comfortable with someone, it is very limited), that’s more common than I ever thought possible. That kind of says something about our society more than the individual, in my personal opinion. It says that our society as values our sexuality (especially as women) more than other parts of our personality.

Something I will include in here, friendships. A lot of my friends do not know how to talk about my sexuality. They don’t know what it is, it makes them uncomfortable, they think they have to give me the sex ed run down, or they think I have to be in PG settings all the time to be comfortable. No, I don’t necessarily want to hear in detail about your sex life but if there’s something you want to tell me, I’m not a fragile flower you have to protect. Friends also may constantly bring up my sexuality in an environment where it may not be comfortable. My friends have sometimes flaunted it like a golden ticket, like a token queer friend. I have to tell them to stop and if they don’t, I have to reconsider our friendship. Our sexual orientations are personal, no matter how out and forward we are, it belongs to us, to you. Coming out belongs to you and it is never insignificant enough to deserve to happen against your own free will.

Dear Ace Community Let’s Communicate!

The last thing I want to add here is just a suggestion for the asexual community. I see a lot of people who post about the exhaustion that comes with having to constantly re-explain ourselves to partners, friends, people of interest… Stop being exhausted. Do not tell them to google it. Someone is trying to understand you, googling is not understanding you. Take it as a compliment and be ready to explain and advocate for yourself and our community. Communication is so important. Google does not tell that person who you are, especially because we are on such a wide spectrum. I advise strongly against it. And probably, when you have to have that conversation, don’t have it over text. At least for me, I say so many more meaningful things when it’s face to face or over the phone at the very least versus over text message. I’m not just being a parrot of information from what I know the internet has told me, I’m telling that person about myself and what it means for me to be asexual. Communicate what it means for you to be asexual.

If you have an asexual friend, don’t be afraid of them. Know that you can’t change who they are, they don’t want you to try, you can’t “fix them.” If you don’t understand them, ask questions and don’t be critical.

Thank you so much for reading! If you have any question, reach out on my tumblr or contact page!

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ckret2 · 4 years

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do you have any tips on writing ace/aro characters, so that they come off as natural n not forced?

I'm gonna assume you're coming at this from a non-ace/aro perspective, so like, lemme give a super simple quick-and-dirty trick, and then I'll give you a couple of caveats to it. Also every time I say ace/aro in this post I mean "ace&aro OR ace OR aro." The example I'm using for this trick is more ace-oriented but like, apply the same mental exercise to romance. Here we go, here's the trick:

Pretend you're writing inside the mind of an adult character in a series aimed at little kids.

On the surface that sounds terrible I know, but bear with me while I explain it.

If you're watching, like, Sesame Street? There are adult characters running around. Various humans, Oscar the Grouch, Bert and Ernie, etc.

None of these characters think about fucking.

Like, ever.

I know, this concept is jarring, because Oscar is clearly a freak, and we all have headcanons about Bert and Ernie—but like, realistically speaking, they live inside a show aimed at preschoolers, and therefore they never think about fucking. They think about taxes, they think about repairing broken home appliances, they think about the state of the environment, they think about great works of art, but they don't think about fucking. You can examine the thoughts inside their heads at any time and fucking never crosses their minds.

Now, this doesn't mean they're childish/immature/naive. I specified "adult characters" for a reason. (Which is why, say, Elmo can't count for this example; the reason Elmo doesn't think about sex is because he's a baby.) Oscar is the wisest person on the planet. Bert and Ernie are out there living adult lives—and Ernie's a bit of a dork, but he's clearly an adult with some goofy thoughts, not an adult with the mind of a child. The human characters on the show are all normal humans, and the only trait they have in common is that they all get along with kids or else they wouldn't be on the show. You could write any of these characters into serious adult plots, just age up the vocab a bit, and they'd work just fine.

These adults are also all living in a real-ish world, and all have adult educations and knowledge bases. If you removed these characters from the setting of Sesame Street to ensure there are no preschoolers around and like, asked them if they know what sex is, they'd be like, yeah. Sure. Obviously. They wouldn't be naive. They are probably all reasonably knowledgeable about sex, to whatever extent we can expect out of muppets.

But none of them think about it. None of them care about it. They don't not know about it, they just don't think about it. If a guest singer comes on with a low-cut top, none of them will even notice that you can see almost all of her cleavage. If someone shows up who they personally consider extremely good looking by whatever their respective standards are, they will admire that person's looks but not once think about that person naked. On Valentine's Day they will think about handing out chocolates to their friends, and not think about the state of their sex lives. Due to the fact that they're not naive, if SOMEBODY ELSE goes "got a date for valentine's!! Hope we'll be up late. ;)" they might go "oh congrats, gonna see a late movie? ...... oh no wait, I figured out what you mean, haha good luck."

They aren't clueless. But the nature of the reality they live in precludes sex from naturally occurring to them or appealing to them.

You can do ace characters like that. You can also do aro characters like that—this specific example is focused on ace because like, even toddler shows will show romance in the form of A Mommy And A Daddy Who Are Married or whatever, and I couldn't think of an easy broadly-recognizable example for romance-free settings. But you can apply the same "knows about it, doesn't think about it, doesn't care about it" logic to aro characters.

The advantage of taking that approach is this: you never have to focus on I wonder what it's like to never think about sex/romance? because it is, at least in my opinion, VERY easy to imagine the aforementioned characters never thinking about sex/romance. You don't have to stop and try to figure out how they interact with the world, because they just DO interact with the world, never thinking about the things they don't feel the need to think about.

A lot of times I see ace/aro characters written as somehow preoccupied with their own absence of XYZ feelings, or else mentally explaining/justifying why they dislike XYZ activities as if their orientations are something they thoughtfully reasoned out rather than something innate/unconscious; and in both cases I think that's a reflection of allo writers being preoccupied with the absent feelings or trying to come up with an explanation that makes sense to THEM for why someone would "decide" to have this orientation the writers themselves don't have an internal instinctive understanding of.

But the same writers would probably have no problem writing Oscar without sexual thoughts because it probably never occurred to them to give Oscar sexual thoughts in the first place. It's not something they need to think about and justify. They can just do it.

Now, here are the caveats:

- Of course you don't want to LITERALLY write ace/aro characters like ACTUAL characters from shows aimed at preschoolers. You can AND SHOULD have them be gritty and intelligent and willing to go commit murders or whatever, and can AND SHOULD have them demonstrate all the depth and complexity of a character in a Victor Hugo novel. This example isn't given as a suggestion for a basis of characterization, but just as a thought exercise to help someone I'm presuming is allo get into the mindset of what it's like to have a character who simply never thinks about sex or romance. "How to have a character not be thinking about sex" is all you should take from this. Please don't write ace/aro characters like you're writing to a five-year-old audience.

- Of course, ace/aro folks are all different. Some of them think about sex or romance a lot. Some of them find romance fascinating to think and write about specifically because they don't have an internal sensation of it—hi there, yours truly. Some of them are demi or gray and do feel sexual or romantic attraction once in a blue moon. Some of them aren't merely neutral to the topics, but actively repulsed, uncomfortable, hostile, etc, whether that's because of just an instinctive Ew Yuck reaction or because they live in a society where the topics (and sometimes the activities) are forced on people all the time and they got sick of it. Some of them are actively sad/wistful that they don't experience those desires. Some are very pleased with how they are but still spend a lot of time comparing/contrasting their experience of the world with other people's. "Completely oblivious and completely disinterested and completely neutral" is a real possibility, but only one possibility out of many, and it would suck if that's the only sort of ace/aro rep we get.

But—BUT—if you're new at writing ace/aro characters, particularly if you're still figuring out the very basics of how to write about them in a way that sounds natural, I still recommend this thought experiment as a way to wrap your mind around the very basic root level experience of what it's like to have a character that doesn't feel attraction. Everything else can be piled on top of that foundation later.

Because if you hop straight on to something complicated like "smut scene with a character who's ace but sex positive and into doing kinky shit," what you might actually end up writing is "character with a token line included about how they don't desire sex but think it's fun and then they spend the rest of the scene having extremely allo-sounding thoughts/reactions," whereas if you've already had some experience/practice putting yourself into the head of a, like, basic tutorial level ace character, it's easier to extrapolate from that and do things like go "well, this character is into kinky sex, BUT I probably shouldn't have them get aroused at the thought of seeing their partner naked, since their source of fun is from the act itself and not from a physical attraction to that person..." or whatever.

- If you want an example of a character who is definitely ace but who also definitely has weird sex, it's Oscar the Grouch. I will not be accepting criticism. You know it's true.

#asexuality #aromanticism #(I feel like I oughta apologize for putting this post in those tags specifically for the Oscar comment)#writing #anonymous #ask #m #(I also apologize for the fact that TUMBLR BROKE MY READ MORE)

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daphuu · 4 years

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I hope you don't mind me asking but how did you know you were asexual? I think I might be but I don't know... like maybe I'm just confused and it's not like I ever tried it? You don't have to answer if the question is too private or something

Hi hiii!! No, I certainly don’t mind you asking! Okay, I’m going to answer this ask as thoroughly as I can for you, anon!! Let’s break down your questions—

“How did you know you were asexual?”

My journey to realizing my asexuality was a bit unusual compared to most stories I hear. I’m 25 now. When I was figuring this stuff out, I was just hearing about genders and sexualities for the first time. I didn’t know asexuality was a thing until I was in college (around six or seven years ago—did I mention that I’m old?).

My journey began when I was 14. I saw people kissing and going gaga over people of the opposite gender. I’m going to make a numbered list so you can see my thought process in order, and how I sort of “moved” through several sexual self-identifiers.

Boys are gross. Totally a lesbian!!

But hey I think I like guys? Maybe I’m straight??

Both are pretty equal, actually. Bisexual?

More genders?? What’s this? And I’m attracted to them all the same amount, so?? Pansexualllllll~!!! (And at the time “bisexual” was much more limited than “pansexual,” or so my uneducated self thought!)

Well, yeah, I’m attracted to them all the same amount, but it turns out that amount is “barely existent at all.” Asexual.

Romantic attraction is different from sexual attraction? What?? So!! Panromantic. Asexual and panromantic. Yes!!!!

This process took me around six to seven years during which my poor parents were getting whiplash and my friends weren’t taking me (or my sexuality) seriously much anymore. My mother still calls me a lesbian, though I think that’s more about the stupid jokes we make than anything else. The process included me sleeping with a lot of people mostly out of curiosity. What was it like with a girl? With a boy? With people who identify as both, neither, anything in between and outside those restrictions? I realized I was having sex not because I wanted the person I was sleeping with but because I wanted sex. I wanted the intimacy of sex. I still do. I am not sex-repulsed, though you might find a lot more of that in the asexual community than in other areas of the sexual attraction rainbow.

(Sex-repulsed: when someone finds the idea of being involved in sex absolutely abhorrent and repulsive. These people tend to go one of two ways: never have sex and live with the repulsion, or try to work through that repulsion with their significant other. Both options are equally valid. There may be other paths for these people that I’m unaware of—if you think you might be sex-repulsed, please do more research and collect more information that what I’ve provided here!!)

Liking sex was a huge blow to me when I realized I was asexual. I didn’t think I could be asexual and like sex. I didn’t really know a lot about asexuality. I cried when I first fell in love after realizing my asexuality. Could I never have sex again? Were asexuals allowed to love? I didn’t know.

I started researching. I needed answers. Who am I? What are my limits? How does being asexual affect my day-to-day interactions with people? Do I need to tell people I’m asexual so they don’t lust after me? Are people allowed to lust after me? It took me about a year to realize that love is “allowed.” It took me a few months longer to realize that sexualities don’t “limit” people. I came to the idea that people lusting after me wasn’t something I could control, and I genuinely didn’t give a fuck whether people knew I was ace or not. What would they do with the information? What did it matter to them? To me?

It didn’t matter. It still doesn’t. I have no limits. I’ve felt sexual attraction before. I’ve looked back through my past. Asexuality isn’t limited by whether I’ve had sex or whether I’ve wanted sex or whether I’ve ever felt sexual attraction before.

“I think I might be [asexual] but I don’t know...”

Alright, the worst part about asexuality is trying to figure out if you feel sexual attraction or not. Some asexuals feel sexual attraction and still identify as ace (like myself, who feels sexual attraction towards my romantic partners after a while—though this, too, I often mistake with the desire to be intimate rather than sexually desiring my partners). First, let’s look at asexuality a little differently for a moment. People often refer to the “spectrum” of asexuality, but what does that really mean?

Now, I’m certainly no expert on every form and shape of asexuality. I’ll do my best for you, anon! Let’s look at some sexual orientations the term “asexual” encompasses.

Asexual Spectrum & Terms

Straight Up Ace As Fuck (commonly known as “asexual”): never feels sexual attraction. Ever. Pretty straightforward, really. Also the generic term greys

“Grey-A” (or “grey(s)”): rarely but occasionally might feel sexual attraction. Known as the “grey area” of the asexual spectrum. Fits anyone between asexual and allosexual (not asexual). Might identify with other sexualities as well. (There are many variations of this, but since I’m not gray-a I really don’t feel comfortable delving into it too deeply.)

“Demisexual” (also called “demi(s)”; also, me!!): Someone who doesn’t generally feel sexual attraction until after forming a strong romantic bond with someone. For example, I sometimes feel sexual attraction towards my romantic partners. I seldom feel sexual attraction towards anyone when I’m not in a strong, stable relationship with them.

“Allosexual” (aka “allo(s)”): someone who isn’t asexual. That’s the easiest one, in my opinion.

So there’s a whole spectrum here—mostly ranging from “I feel no sexual attraction ever” to “I feel some sexual attraction sometimes” to “I feel some sexual attraction in a very specific situation” to “I feel more than ‘some’ sexual attraction!” You could fall anywhere in this spectrum of sexuality. While allosexual isn’t under the asexual spectrum, it is a term found mostly when talking about the asexual spectrum.

To make matters even more confusing, there’s also romantic attraction. Romantic attraction is very different from sexual attraction. Romantic attraction is wanting to romantically be with/date somebody. Sexual attraction is wanting to sexually be with/fuck somebody. Do you see the difference there?

Romantic attractions follow the same prefixes as sexual attractions. “Homoromantic” is to feel romantic attraction toward members of the same sex or gender. Likewise, biromantic, panromantic, and aromantic, etc., all have correlating meanings. Some people identify as ace/aro, and that means they’re aromantic and asexual. They feel little to no romantic or sexual attraction towards other people. I identify as ace/pan—asexual (demi) and panromantic.

You can feel romantic attraction without feeling sexual attraction (and vise versa—aro/bi, for example). You can crave romantic intimacy but not want the sexual part of a relationship. You can crave strong friendships instead of romantic relationships. You can have strong sexual desires without wanting a romantic relationship. The attractions you might feel are limitless and may vary with time.

“...like maybe I'm just confused”

Most people are confused, anon. If you aren’t completely sure about your sexuality, well, nobody is rushing you to figure it out. For a long while I just gave a vague shrug when people asked about my sexuality and laughed it off. Who knows? Who cares? Certainly not me. Don’t think that just because you aren’t 100% certain about your sexuality that you aren’t just as valid as the people who are. Honestly, it’s more than fine to say things like “I’m still figuring it out,” or “I haven’t fully explored my sexuality yet.” Don’t stress about it, anon. I know that trying to understand your sexuality can be as frustrating as taking a university-level math exam with only the most basic of grasps on mathematics. Just know that as you live and learn and grow so will your perception of your sexuality, alright? Keep it in the back of your mind, but don’t let it overwhelm you.

“...and it's not like I ever tried it?”

“It?” Do you mean sex? Oh, anon, please please please do not limit yourself like this. People can have had sex with only members of the same gender before they realize they’re heterosexual. People can have had sex loads of time or not at all before they realize they’re asexual or bisexual or pansexual or any-sexual. Who you have sex with has no bearing on who you’re sexually attracted to. Let me repeat: Your sexual attraction to others is not based on previous sexual encounters or lack thereof.

If you want to add to this post then please do so!!! I love hearing how others explored and figured out their sexualities. 💜☺️

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bonesandblood-sunandmoon · 4 years

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Aro Community Wishlist

CoA prompt for Nov 2019 - “Aro Community Wishlists” [Call for Submissions].

A by no means exclusive wishlist:

Resources: For mental health professionals.

Despite previously internally freaking out about disclosure to the intake counselor, I actually stuck with simply answering questions without diving into explanations. I vagueblogged about it, but it would just take a little tweaking to phrasing on their questionnaire to reduce the mental translation.

Q: How long was your last [context: romantic] relationship?

Thanks for assuming that I’ve had one. Now, instead of filling in the amount of time, I have to add an answer the system wasn’t prepared for.

Q: How many intimate [translation: sexual] partners have you had?

Please just cut to the chase if you mean sex because intimacy isn’t exclusively sexual, and I’ll wind up with a different answer than what you’re trying to ask if I pick apart what an intimate partner means. (My first thought was emotional intimacy after having a question where I had to answer if I had someone “as a support”, but I can overshare emotional shit with far more people than I’ve “been sexually intimate with”.)

I would also appreciate if I knew I could mention quoi, greyro, or the aro spectrum in passing without needing to walk the therapist I’ll be assigned (for the actual counseling) through basic terms. I made a point of asking for an LGBTQ-aware therapist in order to hopefully avoid that for basic trans terms, but I honestly don’t know what they’re going to know yet.

Resources: For other health professionals.

It kind of depends on the area in question if a medical person really needs to grok a-spec identities or could get by with introductory knowledge, but if someone’s intake questionnaire only asks me about sexual orientation, I would ideally like to know they’d understand my answers if I were honest. This whole five answer deal doesn’t give me a lot of faith - 1) Hetersexual, 2) Homosexual, 3) Bisexual, 4) Other with space to write in, and 5) Choose not to disclose. I must admit that I wouldn’t really expect every medical specialist to ask, but if I have to get referred to someone dealing with sexual health, I really wish someone could offer them some training or something.

(Please not that I used ‘a-spec’ on purpose here. I know aros don’t want to be lumped in with aces while forming a separate community, but if we’re talking about updating that intake questionnaire and general awareness, someone should also be brought in to cover the ace part. As much as the split attraction model isn’t helpful for some a-spec people, it provides a quick way to explain why anyone is even trying to talk about aromanticism when the question was about sexual orientation. And fixing the gender choices under that section (also vented about). Like, thanks for the attempt, but please, actually do the LGBTQIA+ friendly thing right.)

Intra-Community: If general aro spaces are set up to be romance free for the romance-repulsed, what do the romance-confused do?

It’s where the quoi in the greyro/quoi really shines through, but I struggle with how I’m supposed to warn for romo [link] or contribute to something like RomoAlert [link]. Granted, some of these questions are community level works in progress, but when romance is a nebulous, ‘red-orange, qamuSHa', 4i’ situation, it can come across like it’s horribly easy to set off romance-repulsion and make fellow aros uncomfortable. [qamuSHa' means “I love you” in Klingon, which is being used as ‘language I assume the reader also does not know’ in the metaphor.]

Intra-Community/Subgroup: So . . . those quoiromantic folks?

It’s one thing to opt out of interacting with specific romance-repulsed users, but if I extend non-interaction to general aro spaces, I wouldn’t really have much of an aro community to interact with. It’s possible that spaces that make room for romance-favorability might be easier to navigate because I won’t be setting of someone’s repulsion on accident, but that doesn’t really solve the larger issue of how to handle quoiromantic interaction within aro spaces. (Not to mention that romance-favorability is sometimes talked about as if it’s a small, confusing, practically mythical section of the aro community, so telling quoiromantic people to just go hang out with the romance-favorable aros doesn’t actually come across as helpful.)

At least on tumblr, there’s a lot of pride merchandise and including quoi in aro-spec lists, so I’m writing from the assumption that quoiros are supposed to be included in the aro community. (See “(What) does the aro community want (with) quoiros?” [link] for a more uncertain take.) I’m not entirely sure where else people who don’t jive with romantic attraction, don’t understand it, and may not be able to differentiate it from other forms of attraction are supposed to go. Maybe quoiros could chill with the idemromantics, some of the nebularomantics, who knows how many others. *shrug* But, like, what will the aro community do?

I’m not saying that quoi/greyro people like myself should take over the limelight and be the focus of general aro resources, but sometimes, there’s a feeling akin to thinking your carpool group will remember you (you have a designated seat in the back and everything) only to realize that they’re rushing to your location because the driver forgot you. I don’t want to become the driver of the carpool just so I’ll get remembered, y’know? Mostly, I don’t want to feel like an afterthought that’s inconveniencing others with last minute accommodations, or something along those lines.

Subgroup: Aros who may experience hypersexuality.

I know I’ve seen acknowledgement (#positivity), but that doesn’t feel the same as actually addressing hypersexuality. Hypersexuality is talked about separately from allo/ace as self-identifiers because it’s not a sexual orientation, so a hypersexual aro may be allosexual, asexual, gray, demi, etc. However, when it comes to how aro community spaces are talked about, discussions of sex and sexuality can get roughly sorted under alloaro, so it’s likely a hypersexual person of any sexual orientation will utilize alloaro resources unless sex related discussions are not designated as happening in solely alloaro spaces.

~ Do aroaces want their own spaces for any discussions of hypersexuality in the aro community? Do they want to utilize ace community spaces? What about aros who aren’t comfortable with and/or don’t use the allo/ace division? I’m honestly not sure, but the impression that any aro who needs a space that allows sexual discussions is an alloaro means the seemingly common reassurance that alloaros aren’t “using” or manipulating sexual partners can fall flat.

Now, I am *not* saying that all hypersexual people, across the board, do in fact use and manipulate people, but it doesn’t take a lot of imagination to see how hypersexual aros can be portrayed as an example of a negative stereotype or be misinterpreted as attacking alloaros if they come in with questions or concerns about manipulating people.

~ How do hypersexual aros balance talking about negative symptoms/side effects/episodes, which may for example involve impulsively hooking up, with the need for alloaros to have an environment that’s affirming of such experiences?

~ How do hypersexual aros balance talk of management tactics (celibacy, reducing sexual encounters, etc.) with pushback that a less than welcoming attitude is bringing in sex negativity, or accusations that an ace is trying to take over the conversation?

Hypersexuality doesn’t always manifest as partnered sex, but it’s the most immediate example that I can think of that intersects with common alloaro talking points. Also, I must admit that I’m not 100% sure to what extent flirting and romantic impulsivity are tied to allo-allo expressions of hypersexuality (in which starting a new romantic relationship is tied up together with the sexual impulsivity), or romantic impulsivity is a possible manifestation of hypersexuality that’s not separated out in most resources.

(It’s only been through brief mentions in personal perspectives from others describing their (hypo)mania that I’ve seen some specificity about romantic impulsivity (focusing on flirting), but I’m not aware of any of them being on the aro spectrum. I’m also not sure how separate this may be for others who experience hypersexuality.)

#My writing #aro spectrum

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ckret2 · 4 years

Text

Hey guys wanna watch me talk about fanfic as an excuse to talk about my romantic orientation as an excuse to talk about fanfic?

In canon sources, Alastor has only thus far been identified as “ace”—not where he is on the ace spectrum, and not anything at all about his romantic orientation. I headcanon him as fully ace/aro (“fully” as opposed to “demi” or “gray,” since to my knowledge there isn’t a specific term for that). Except of course when I want to ship him, which, y’know, is fun, in which case I’ll make an exception and briefly shuffle him over to ace/demiromantic.

I should mention that I myself am ace/aro.

So here I am writing a romance fic with Alastor that I’ve planned from the start to be a tragedy, with the traditional definition of “tragedy” in which the terrible & otherwise avoidable events are driven by the character’s flaws (Alastor’s flaw is that he’s being an entire dumbass), and as I’m writing this fic I’m realizing... what I’m writing is basically an aromantic horror story. I don’t know a better phrase to describe it.

I’ve seen other aros over the years express that they felt disappointed/afraid as they realized they were aromantic—because they wanted to be “normal,” because they were afraid not having the mental wiring for romantic love made them “broken,” because they thought love looks lovely and wish they could have that too, because they’re afraid they’ll be rejected by family/friends, because they’re afraid they’ll end up alone if they don’t have a romantic partner, etc etc etc.

I’ve never felt any of that.

I learned what aromanticism is—from neutral, factual sources—narrowly before figuring out that oh hey, I don’t feel like, any romantic attraction for anyone ever. Until then I didn’t notice I didn’t feel attraction, or didn’t feel like it was odd. I thought my lack of interest in surrounding people was due to a lack of sufficiently interesting people. I didn’t yearn to fall in love, I didn’t long for a relationship; I was given a firm You Are A Strong Independent Young Lady And You Don’t Need A Man (Or A Woman, Whatever You’re Into) To Complete You upbringing, so I went all right, cool, no pressure to pair up, it’s not necessary. I figured they were things that would happen when they happened, and then they didn’t happen. And then I figured out that was probably because I’m just not designed for them to happen to me. All right, cool.

I’m proud of my orientation. Not “proud” in some weird “ah yes my orientation is SUPERIOR” way, but “proud” as in “I like who I am, I see the ways that my orientation is woven into the person that I am, and I like those patterns.” And I have been ever since I picked out the words to describe it; it wasn’t something I had to grow used to or make peace with or slowly learn to love. I know that’s rare with queer folks in general, and that's no exception in the ace & aro communities I’ve seen, where it often seems to me that self-pride is something people have to fight for and coax themselves into.

Not only have I never been in love, but I don’t want to be in love, in the same way that I don’t want to go scuba diving or learn to play the saxophone: they’re all fine activities for the people who are into them, I’m sure, and I support the interests of anyone who’s into them, but they hold no appeal to me.

So I think very few things would shake up my sense of self more than suddenly falling in love, when I don’t want to and have never found in me any capacity to be able to. It would be like waking up and realizing I fluently speak a language I’ve never studied. Oh and also I’m handcuffed to an airplane seat in the middle of an international flight to the country where that language is spoken with all my worldly possessions packed in the luggage. I don’t want to move there! It might be a lovely country, but I’ve already got a life in the one I’m currently in! How do I move myself and all my stuff back home??

It’s not that I’ve got anything against romance. In fact, I very much enjoy it—in fiction. I just know that it’s not for me.

And so—look, we’ve looped back around to the fanfic—and so, this is what I mean by “aromantic horror story.”

In so, so many stories, lovelessness is presented as the horror. “The monster is incapable of love.” “The poor protagonist fears being doomed to a life without love.” Sure, oftentimes in these stories “love” includes platonic love, familial love—but romantic love is typically centralized. The Beast can’t be cured until Belle falls in love with him.

I’ve never seen love itself presented as the horror. Not even “love that’s been twisted into obsession,” not even “abuse masquerading as love,” just plain old love all by itself. Not because there’s something wrong with the love, but just because it is—and because, in its being, it’s antithetical to everything the person feeling it knows about their own identity. Because it rings discordant with everything else in that person’s soul. Because they feel like they were built whole and complete without the spot that most people have in their hearts for the “romantic love” puzzle piece to fit in, and so trying to shove something into that spot anyway shoves everything else in their heart into disarray. If you can feel that something doesn’t have a place inside of you where it fits, would it be terrifying to find it in you anyway? Even if the “something” is love?

“But there’s nothing horrific about plain old love, nothing at all,” you scoff. And I agree with you—but there’s nothing horrific about lovelessness, either. But nevertheless, a storyteller can twist lovelessness into a monster. I don’t see why love can’t be twisted around that way, too. Just to spice things up. Particularly for those of us who get a “can’t relate” grimace every time we see a character talking about how empty and hollow their life is without (romantic) love.

Now, I don’t think I’d actually go full-blown "terrified protagonist in a psychological horror movie” if by some freak twist I somehow fell in love with somebody someday. I’d probably do what most people do in similar situations: hold hands a lot and file taxes together. Because I’m a normal person rather than an emotionally isolated cannibalistic misanthrope in a fanfic. I don’t think falling in love IRL would actually be a horror story.

But I’m certain enough that I can’t fall in love that it would sure be jarring if it happened.

And there’s room for me to play around with that in fiction.

#about my writing #writing #aromanticism

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