gonna get really sappy and DEEPLY tmi/personal about twenty one pilots on main so im gonna put it under a cut. i am cringe but i am free and clancy tour coming up is giving me Feelings

i've been a top fan since 2016. i initially had some resistance to them bc it was when Stressed Out was at its peak and like, yall know how oversaturation goes. even if its good, its fucking annoying by proxy. all the 12/13 year olds at my high school were into it. i was turning 17. and it was a really fucking rough year.

i've been deep into homestuck since i was about 14/15, but by age 16 i had branched out into text-based rp and met a guy from italy who i kind of had a situationship with i guess?? at the time?? idk if that's what the kids call it. (whenever i describe how many relationships ive had, i count this one as a 0.5) anyways. it eventually got to a point where he was emotionally abusing me for a period of about four months. it was brief, but intense, especially since im a fucking lovesick lonely teen at this point who doesnt know any better. he lovebombs me, talks to me and acts like i am his girlfriend, gets jealous and shitty if i talk about other people, but then the moment he goes and does the same shit i get told i'm the reason he was depressed, im the reason for his problems, etc. until he calmed down and placated me and won me over again. over and over, regularly, for four months. it was a lot for my little developing brain to handle.

i know people have had it longer, have had it worse, but it really left a lasting impact. i was left with a litany of abandonment issues, and self-esteem and image that was already bad was buried dead in the fucking ground. i wanted to die every single fucking day for those four months. he even told me, as i began to question my sexuality properly, that i couldnt be bi 'because i liked him'.

but he LOVED twenty one pilots. would quote their shit regularly. wore the merch. all that stuff.

by 2016 i'd managed to see clearly enough and have enough support from friends that i felt comfortable cutting him and his circle off permanently. and it was fucking hard. i didn't have a lot of irl friends at the time and it felt like my only support network. after i finally left, i was desperate to feel some semblance of control, take something back, my own personal little 'fuck you' i could carry in my heart.

with all the hype around them, i gave top a try. slowly eased my way in. i knew i was hooked when i heard Holding On To You for the first time. it made me feel like i could take back that control and find a light at the end of the tunnel.

i consumed everything they had put out after that. i saw them live at emotional roadshow sydney 2017, i was turning 18. i made so many new friends. i felt such hope in my heart. i sobbed so fucking hard when they played HOTY. they weren't the only reason i made it through, itd be naive to contribute everything to them when i've done a lot of work and so have the people around me, but they were like a lifeline to hold on to when things were hard.

i went and saw them again in 2018 for the bandito tour. i made my own outfit and was surrounded by people who had done the same. i made more friends, had more adventures. i was dropping out of high school the year that Trench released due to having the worst mental health i'd had probably since my abuse and felt so lost but it helped me feel a little more stable and grounded. like that light was still there.

a lot has happened since. i'll be 25 when i go see them in November, once again at Qudos Bank Arena in sydney. i'm in a happy relationship with someone i love who respects me. i'm doing things that make me happy. i'm happy. i've felt and experienced and lived and loved and lost and done so so so much since i was a scared 16 year old hearing them for the first time. i've gotten piercings and tattoos, something i never thought i'd do, and put their work permanently on my body. i'm so proud every time i see my tattoo on my arm. i genuinely love and accept myself exactly as i am, which is something i NEVER thought i'd do.

having Clancy come out nine years to the day from blurryface, an album that has been so deeply important to me in a lot of ways, gets me real misty. this entire tour gets me so misty. i didn't think i'd live past 18 at BEST. but i'm here and i'm fucking happy.

genuinely cannot emphasise how much this album and this tour means to me. i plan on getting a Clancy tattoo once the album comes out and i've had some time to sit with it. it feels very full circle, i guess. hearing Next Semester has just had me thinking about this constantly and all weepy all the time haha. but a good weepy.

i cannot fucking wait to scream in a stadium full of people again in a way that heals my heart.

something happened and im really sad and also happy.

happy chinese new year to all, but YOU GOTTA READ THIS.

for more than a year (3 yrs almost), i’ve done a self diagnosis on myself with spd (sensory processing disorder) and adhd (few others too)

the man took an hour late to arrive but LOL

went to this place and told the man about how i’ve been bullied and what was going on. so i obviously didn’t say i was gay but my mom did bring up how somebody was gay and was bullying me as a gay person (smart man knew i was gay from how I went 😝✌️ along with saying the word “gay” but he didn’t make it obvious until my mom looked away and he smiled and mouthed “yes good im proud for you”).

since i get extremely uncomfortable when they kept talking about my ASD so then i felt like crying cause yk mental health issues + illnesses, etc shit being exposed and almost cried (they never knew bc i never made it obvious but my eyes watered under my hoodie), and yk I felt really really sad than my mood was today.

THEN THE BIG NEWS CAME.

since you never knew i was neurodivergent, i’m gonna let you know.

i didn’t know HALF of what he said because he spoke fast but

i managed to catch half (idk if half atp cause he got LOADS of diagnosis for me but it was too much and he spoke really really fast)

HE WAS FRIENDLY BUT

i FUCKING KNEW. that the spd was right. I WASNT SURE BUT HE SAID I HAVE IT. YESSS A REAL DIAGNOSIS.

he said im diagnosed with asd, adhd, spd (sensory processing disorder), tics (not like tourettes but he did say something WILL cause me to tic but it’s only anxiety that will cause it a few times but if it gets worse, i must tell him) + my anxiety will cause me to tic (like shivering and form different tics but its not like tourettes that people ACTUALLY have).

he also said my auditory sensory processing disorder as well (+ with sensory processing too), he said i had something sensitivity (idk what it was because he spoke REALLY fast) but i think he said sensory or sensitivity disorder (if you knew what it’s called, PLEASE lemme know).

stuttering disorder + high functioning on asd + low functioning on adhd (lemme know if functioning is out of date or not) and some other stuff.

BUT I GOT AN OFFICIAL DIAGNOSIS GUYSSSSS

i’ve tried to find the “congratulations on the neurodivergency cake” but I found this.

congratulations to me on my further neurodivergent diagnosis :))

long rant incoming, i’ll be talking abt therapy, ed relapse mainly (i may get side tracked lol) really just talking to myself publicly.

so, my therapist is taking a break and i haven’t seen her since last month. she told me to text her if i need support or if i’m in crisis but we all know i’m not gonna do it bc i don’t wanna bother her. last month i managed to reach 3 months without counting calories and stepping on the scale. honestly i was so proud of myself for this. ofc i gained weight but i was finally healthier, i was not just a shell of a human being. i was actually alive. but since i stopped restricting my anxiety become terrible to the point where i can’t go out by myself without headphones. i started getting more frequent panic attacks (which are honestly both physically and mentally draining). i feel like im trapped in a cycle - i manage my depression and anxiety, then i relapse in my ed, i work on my ed, my anxiety gets worse, i use all kinds of relief techniques, nothing helps, so i relapse again to numb my emotions. the day of my last therapy session i had to go to my hometown bc we had to do some renovations for the apartment we’re giving out for rent. we had to stay in a family friend’s house. i love her but she’s just so insensitive to me and my struggles. like she’d constantly say things like “oh your hygiene is terrible” “oh are you really eating this”. of course she had to make comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight, she also asked what happened with the diets i was doing. while we were there we met with my dad’s aunt and she also made comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight. and the thing is i was having pretty bad time with my body without all these comments from my relatives. i genuinely felt so uncomfortable about the weight gain. the day after we got back home i relapsed. i’m counting calories again, i’m avoiding high cal foods, fear foods start to appear again. i was in denial about my relapse but now i have to admit it - i’m relapsing and i hate myself even more. i genuinely feel like i’m such a failure. i’ve spent over 2 years in therapy and it’s all the same cycle over and over. i’m forever grateful for my current therapist bc she saved me from the darkest times of my life. i was actively suicidal and she was the only one who agreed to work with me despite my resistance to get better. i don’t remember much of this time period but she has told me that she was worrying about me in between sessions and every time i was 5 mins late she thought of the worse situation possible. anyways. now i just feel like i’m wasting my time and her time. what am i even doing? will things ever get better? and the thing is i want to recover at some point. this lifestyle is not sustainable. the health complications are not a joke. i’ve ruined so many relationships bc of my mental illness. i’m missing out on so many things. but i’m just terrified of letting it all go. i can’t deal with the weight gain. i can’t deal with all the emotions. what’s the point of even trying to recover when i’ll always end up in the exact same shitty situation?

AITA for leaving my ex in a potentially abusive relationship?

(CW self harm, verbal and emotional abuse)

TL;DR I broke up with a poly couple and I'm afraid that one party is being abused by the other, but I don't feel comfortable reaching out.

I (23F) met ex A (28F) at work last year, she began flirting with me even though she was engaged to ex B (28F), but once they clarified being poly, I agreed to start dating A. Eventually, I got involved with B as well, and around that time, A became slower to respond to my texts. I sought comfort with B, who would give me updates about how A was sad that we didn't go out as much. I admt that I should have been more upfront—I'm pretty inexperienced with dating, let alone polyamory, and I didn't give A the attention she deserved. That's on me.

Eventually, A and I amicably broke up in February. She was very mature the whole time, setting boundaries while still being kind to me, and we ended the night well. The very next night, B calls me on speaker berating me about how I was treating A and going over the same issues I thought A and I already addressed. This talk greatly distressed both myself and A.

Still not seeing the red flags, I continued talking to B until my mental health took a nosedive a few weeks later. TL;DR for a mix of reasons my depression hit me hard and I relapsed on self harm. I did some things I'm not proud of, including berating myself in front of coworkers; for that, I'm TA. Regardless, realizing I need help and comfort, I called B, whose first words to me were "oh anon... you know what this means, right? You need to go see a therapist." Which, yeah, but that's not the first thing I need to hear in crisis!

After scheduling some appointments, I texted B hoping she'd be proud of me for taking care of myself. Instead she continued to berate me for "seeking attention" by hurting myself while on the clock. She broke up with me shortly afterwards, implying I wasn't mature enough for her bc I felt "grown up" scheduling a doctor's appointment (worth noting that my close friends WERE proud of me when I told them), and then admitted that an ex of hers once compared her to his former abuser. While playing it off. Yikes.

We tried to stay friends, but after once again being berated by her over text for not answering a simple question correctly, and then being low-key gaslit when I told her I felt scared around her (basically she told me I had no right to feel scared of her setting boundaries and that it was my fault anyway for "not being honest with [her]"), I decided, encouraged by some friends, to cut her off. I don't regret this action. Looking back, B was very much verbally and emotionally abusive to me. My only regret is not noticing sooner.

Back to A, who's the real person I'm worried about. We weren't as close, but we had a friendly working relationship. Recently, though, she was fired from work. She doesn't post on social media and I'm beginning to worry for her, since if B was so nasty to me, she must be even worse to her fiancee. However, because of the role A played in my hurt (remember, we worked together, and conversations she and I had were sometimes used against me by B), I do not feel comfortable reaching out; what if B finds out and gives me hell? I have B's number muted, but she knows where I live. Then again, this might be an irrational fear I'm using as an excuse to not reach out to someone who might need help. But then again then again, I might be reading too much into this and A's fine.

Ugh, I don't know. This is seriously eating me up and I don't know what the right thing is. WIBTA for ghosting A? Or should I suck it up and ask if she's okay?

I agree something weird happened behind the scenes in Bridgerton because who vilifies the heroine in a romance? Who doesn’t give the heroine a good monologue? Especially after she’s been told off and treated like she’s conniving when we all know she sacrificed years of her life and was willing to sacrifice her happiness for her sister’s sake and suffered all season? Who doesn’t let the heroine say anything about that? Who doesn’t put the heroine front and center in promo? There were so many bad decisions in s2. It’s like they didn’t understand the expectations for historical romance or the audience for it at all. Forever grateful for Simone and JB but the writers and showrunner…I have no words!

I really think there’s layers to it but also just bad management. I think the writing team should have worked together to write episodes and not divided them up. It’s not cohesive.

I think they did want to do something different that season 1 which okay sure but they took it too far and completely missed the mark for the romance genre like you said.

I think CVD had a realllllly weird obsession with Edwina. Again, which I don’t understand? Like okay flesh her out more but good god they changed her completely??? And then try and make her the main character for some reason? We!! Aren’t!! Here!! For!! Edwina!!!! I don’t!!! Care!!!! About!!! The Goddamn wedding!!!!!!!! Screw all your BTS, the obsession with the dress, etc on that one terrible, episode where you basically assassinate characters left and right. I tried. I tried so hard to understand. But I’m so over it. Everything I have learned or heard about that episode makes me mad. I am not hating on the actress but good god everything she says just makes it worse and makes herself look worse. Did she think she was the hero? Even my causal viewer friends did not like edwina. (Also, that one quote where it felt like her wedding, etc and how she’s can’t quite separate herself from the character…like maybe you’re in the wrong career that’s really not good for your mental health. I’d say the same if it was any other person on who said that instead. A character is always going to get hate no matter who they are. You have to accept criticism. Note: she is a good actress so pls no one try and kill me)

tldr: How did noooo one turn around and say….this is bad?

Also let’s just try and villainize your leads (like let’s be honest there were points where we just didn’t want to root for Anthony with his behaviour) and let everyone shit on them and then try to sell the sister soulmates tag line and the family love (Christ we didn’t even see that with the Bridgertons they were just MEAN).

I’m not one to make conspiracy theories but a part of me really feels like they felt they couldn’t promote a openly gay man and an a brown woman for a romance so they didn’t try. I think CC had a louder voice than SA (who maybe is just quiet generally) and things went her way a bit more promo wise (why do I also think she got babied a bit bc she’s relatively new to acting? That might be my imagination though). I think they scrambled after rege’s exit but for the life of me can’t imagine how that effected the scripts that much (except maybe adding more Featherington scenes?).

Part of me thinks there was alterer motives but honestly I think it comes down to a lack of leadership/direction or at least some people up top had conflicting ideas about the season and this was the garbage they produced

Simone Ashley & Jonathan Bailey you always be famous to me, thank you for your outstanding performances and you did the eldest siblings proud and you deserved so much better 💜

End of rant ❤️‍🩹

“Im drained...im unmotivated...im tired...im done. So many hurtful things have been said to me by the ones who were supposed to care for me...i still rememeber it, and some of it still goes on. Why do I remember the things that hurt me...?”

“Wear some makeup maybe that’ll make it better” -because i wouldnt smile for a picture i didnt wanna be in

“She’s a grown woman she knows what she’s doing”- my great grabdmother & mom when i got mad about my siblings (1-2 and 6-7 years old) being out without me and with my grandma who hasnt had a baby in over a decade

“You need to stop dressing that way”- my great grandma when i showed up to my her house in an oversized sweater

“Your too young”- my mom when i told her i wanted a binder and that i was a boy at 11-12 years old

“ive always wanted a boy”- my mom. Then she got what she wanted and started being ‘better’ as if she couldn’t do that with her 1st 2 kids

“Yeah mhm, or girl what?😒”-my mom, dismissing me whenever i try to tell her something im happy about

“You need to start talking to your grandparents”- my mom everytime i ask her for something, now im scared to ask since everything i ask for is “too much” even though she buys herself stuff everyday

“Ill talk to him”- my mom whenever me and my dad get into our fights...it never gets better and she never talks to him and always takes his side

“Shut the fuck up”- my dad whenever i try to explain something to him even if it’s not that serious(its never that serious)

“Stop being selfish”- my dad whenever i say no to my siblings using my stuff that is strictly MINE and that i dont have to share if i dont want to

“Watch your brother” my dad almost all the time everyday and they’ll just be lying around doing nothing with the excuse of ‘i work i need a break’ you dont need a break all damn week while i have to go to school and handle your wild 3 year old while your in your mid 30s

“Sounds like a personal problem” my mom whenever i tell her that I genuinely can't handle my siblings and am on the verge of snapping (violently)

“Maybe if you had a bedtime then yknow...i dont wanna have to say it”- my mom around her friend talking about my low grade in a class and thinking its bc of electronics when in reality my mental health is in hell and ive been crying more than usual and i dont have the motivation to keep pushing on anymore, but she thinks im up at 12:30 bc of a phone...

“Congratulations”- my mom when i show her my all As. But won’t be as nice and be a bit irritated that i got a low C in something she knows I struggle in

“I'm so proud of you”- my dad hugging me for the straight As. He doesnt hug me ever and he never says those words to me. Not even when its a minor accomplishment

“Has your father ever told you he loves you?” my mom years ago in a random parking lot that got me realizing last week that he never says he loves me willingly, he has to be forced

“I'm obligated to be there” my grandfather after getting married and never calling us to see how we are

“Your ___ eye is bigger than your ___” my friend. I always liked my eyes growing up...not anymore

“She ugly as hell” my 9th grade classmate he just says it whenever he can. I dont even have to be talking to him

It’s getting worse day by day...nothing i do is enough...im tired..

admin zjay

putting thoughts in text in hopes it'll clear my mind enough to sleep 🫡 (aka. a vent. maybe a call for advice...? tho idk if there is any)

i feel like. maybe. i'm having such a hard time lately (beyond like, making a lot of big changes in my life and lowkey overhauling it) bc i'm filled with opposing and contradicting emotions and thought processes

i am on the path to recovery. but i don't want it, bc i want to die. i need to put in a lot of effort into doing anything, but i don't have any energy, in part bc i don't want to do any of this. i know in order to be more stable i need to be kinder to myself, but i don't think i should be, bc i don't think i deserve it and idk how to do it and it's not a good driving force for me bc i'm already lenient with myself enough as is and and and look it's all excuses at the end of the day, truth is i just don't want to

i don't know what i want. ig death is the only thing really. unfortunately that's too much effort too (really i'm just scared of the repercussions of a failed attempt). but i can't move anywhere like that. i don't have a direction. bc i don't want anything

but at the same time i do, like. i want too much. and that's the issue ig. bc it's unachievable. and i'm not willing to settle for anything less. bc nothing is ever enough no matter what

my singing teacher kinda called me out on this today lol like how i'm never giving myself any kind words or how i'm never proud of doing good even tho in her opinion i'm already great. i can't ever be proud of my achievements (in general, not just singing) bc they don't feel like achievements to me ig. bc ik there's always better, so what's the point in less, yknow? to compare it to video games. yeah bronze medals or half collections are fun at first but at some point it's frustrating to not get gold or 100%. but it takes way too much work to get there or relies on things you can't even do

not even getting into things ppl in my life consider achievements when i do them, even tho i know they're below the bare minimum for a normal person lol (like any of the mental health shit i do today). not to mention how much i struggle with it anyway, i can't even get through things that are meant to be fun without feeling like i'm dying before during and/or after them

or how awful it feels to be unable to do things i used to. not even when i'm looking far back (<- peaked at 13-14 y/o) but even like, oh last month i was able to complete this task easily, this month i had a severe panic attack trying to do it or ended up being unable to do it at all

i wanna say i'm trying but idk if i am. bc i have no goal. i am definitely putting in effort, too much by my own standards tbh (hence why i'm in a constant state of debilitating stress and why my body feels like it's falling apart all the time) but it feels all over the place, like instead of pushing a boulder up a hill it's pushing multiple of those but on different hills. just running back and forth between them before i can even get a single boulder to any top

idk how to go at it in a different way or a different pace tho. idk how to make it better. i already committed to this program and if i leave it now i won't be able to get it again later in life. and like, i got into it in the first place for a reason, life of Nothing is so fucking boring and i got tired

but before i started it. i told my friend that being this depressed and doing nothing is better than being this depressed and trying to do things bc at least i'm not putting in meanless effort. and he got mad - we had this conversation more than once and he got mad every time - and said i can't know that, and that if i did things i may not be as depressed. well now i AM doing things and as expected i was right!!!!!!! it IS fucking shitty!!!!!! i AM getting worse!!!!! in ways i wasn't before, even!!!!!! and maybe it's bc i'm so fucking stubborn and it only happened bc i expected it too, but it's not like i can turn it off 🤷‍♂️ that shit happened subconsciously

so that just makes me think. again. how am i supposed to get better like this. my own body and brain battle me on every move and make it thrice as hard, things that are already hard as is, and i am very very weak and don't have any tools to deal with hardships (before you suggest therapy, I've been in dbt for years, my therapist just gave up on me bc he already taught me all of it and nothing ever worked bc my brain is fundamentally broken) so in this 2 on 1 battle i am not even armed in any way, obviously i'm getting wrecked no matter what

(one might argue that part of the issue is me seeing my body and brain as opponents rather than just me. and to that i say. bro if you had these they'd be your enemies too, this shit is hopeless, they're built for suffering is2g if you wanna feel anything positive that's a bummer ig. bc you won't. ever. and no amount of therapy and no medication and no life changes seems to help. and it's been 14 years of only getting worse. not that you were doing great before, you just didn't actively want to kys, bc you didn't know it was an option. so. 25 years of getting worse really. god i'm too old to be this fucking useless still lol)

No Week 7 log but as a recap, it was restful. Just nursing this hip flexor strain back to full health.

Started taking beet supplements which are yummy bc they taste like gushers without the goo inside. Got some actual beets too which I plan to turn into a juice or something.

This week I did a five mile tempo (1mile fast, 1mile at 60%) and my long run was actually in San Antonio as I was visiting my sis. Loved the Salado Greenway trail here, it gave me so much energy seeing all sorts of different people enjoying nature at the ass crack of dawn. Ran 13 miles at 9:07 pace! I was impressed.

Week 8 was incredibly I mean incredibly hot and with an unrelated deadline to meet, I took a few days off running, which was also perfect to give much needed healing time to my strained hip flexor. Things have worked out excellently.

Today is the end of week 8 and I’m feeling good. While the temps have been constantly near record breaking 110 degrees F (for that this week will forever live in my heart in infamy), today I expected it to be a little cooler bc the weather ppl said so. They were not wrong. I will take 98 degrees by noon as a total win.

This week’s (today’s) long run was one of several firsts.

I ran 15 miles. I don’t think I have ever run fifteen consecutive miles in my life before so I feel very proud of myself (my feet especially…man they look rough right now) to have accomplished this feat today. There were moments where I felt like I couldn’t finish but what put me back in the moment was a reminder I’ve adopted: “all that matters is me, here, now.”

It started off a challenge because I drank lots of water beforehand (idk I woke up thirsty). At mile 5 I ran past a mysterious but very much available porta potty. The missed opportunity made things feel mentally worse. Was I actually cramping or was I punishing myself for not using that portapotty? Fortunately for me, the nice cashier at a gas station half mile later let me use his “employees only” bathroom. Sweet, sweet relief. It was only a matter of time before the pee problem would catch up to me. Ppl talk about it all the time—“yup I had to relieve myself behind a tree once…” I’m glad it happened to me sooner than later in the training season because now I get to adjust and account for my timing so that I don’t lose precious minutes stepping off the course into a porta-potty on race day. Note: stop drinking fluids 2 hours before start to allow body time to flush.

Since I accidentally bought several gels with caffeine I decided to go ahead and try one of them. Much to my complete dismay, it caused a spur of jitters. I was briefly sad because there are five more in the pack and I don’t want them to go to waste. Maybe a running friend will take them. At least now I know what I don’t like.

I definitely ran past a man pooping on the sidewalk. I really wanted to help him somehow but all I could think to do was keep running.

—

Today’s long run was 15 miles at a 9:30min pace. I’ve been focusing heavily on upper body and core workouts and I believe it is what has helped me maintain this steady pace. However, this puts me at a 4hour marathon, so I need to zone in and focus on building SPEED. I signed up to run a 5K with a friend in a couple of weeks. Considering taking that as a challenge to run a sub 8 min pace.

ROCI IM SO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO REPLY I FORGOT 😭😭😭

but okay lemme go one by one by what i remember from what you said

i’m so sorry you’ve been going through a hard time. it isn’t easy when you feel like your mental health is failing. i know firsthand how hard it can be. but i’m so so proud of you for working on yourself and your mental health. and i’m glad you decided to take a break for yourself. i hope the break has been fruitful!

and gosh i’m so sorry about your bunny :( it can’t be easy. my cats go play around away from the garden for a bit and i freak out when i don’t see them around. so i can’t imagine how terrible it must be.

but AHHHHH NEW KITTYYYYYY!!!! so excited!!! did you get the kitty already? what’d you name it? what kind of cat is it??? heheh i love cats and i’m so excited for you!!

i’m proud you’re working on your self esteem and i get that sometimes the stuff we want comfort from most tend to become the most stressful because we’re in a bad place and the magic and comfort just doesn’t feel the same and it just… ultimately feels worse cause it feels like you lost something very important to you :(

but i hope slowly you can return. i miss seeing you on here and i miss your lil asks and your opinions on my random posts jshdjsjdjsk but no pressure! take your time and i hope you feel better soon 💛💛💛 and i’ll be here~ with a bunch of comfort fics if you wanna ever read em hehe

nooo don't worry, i don't frequently check my notifs anyway so i didn't notice 😭

yeah, my biggest problem was getting out of survival mode, i am the avoidant type of person so it's very hard for me to deal with anything in my life that's out of my comfort zone, but i finally stepped up and started to figure things out. ofc it's still hard and because i've been focusing solely on survival for so long i don't really know what i want from life anymore?? but i am proud i can at least relax a bit more and i can give time to myself to think and reflect. thank you for the words~ you're so kind

yeah, i kinda got used to the idea that i'll never see my bunny again and i'm consoling myself with the thought that she's in a much better place now and that she's hopping happily without my cat bothering her lol 💗

unfortunately smth came up so i can't pick up the cat yet. i'm actually getting him from my friend bcs her cat gave birth a few month ago and she's giving me one of her kitties, but i have to wait 2 more weeks till i can finally get him. also, because i'm getting it from my friend, i actually don't know its breed 🤣 my friend doesn't know the exact breed of her cat and the dad is unknown (lol), so i can't tell for sure, but the mom is a combination of a tabby with some other fancy breed that i cannot recognise. it has many orange spots of her coat mixed with the regular tabby colors, does that make sense?? but he kitty i'm adopting has a dark coat with no orange spots at all. it looks like a tabby, but much darker than usual, idek how to explain 😭

ALSO i actually SUCK at giving pets names 😭😭 i always get overwhelmed bcs it feels like such a big responsibility to me so i always collect ideas from other people. sooo if you have any cool male cat names in mind 👀👀 i'm more than glad to hear

yeah, that's exactly how it feels with comfort places 😭😭 that's why i got away from tumblr a little bit, i didn't want it to start feeling like a 'responsibility' or like something i needed to do, i tend to do that with my hobbies sometimes and it makes them unenjoyable. i also stopped writing for a while and opening tumblr was reminding me about that and it made me feel a little guilty haha

but! it's summer vacation now and things are moving in the right direction (in my opinion at least) so who knows.

aw, THANK YOU, TI, you're so sweet 🥹🥹 i miss sending asks and answering on random stuff too 😭 i am glad i was not an annoyance with those lol

and!!! i actually do want to read what you've been posting since i disappeared 👀 is there anything you'd recommend me to read first??

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...

miss my father figure my fencing coach

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I don’t know if this is just mental health places in the US or if it’s a world wide thing but this is fucking ridiculous. I worked in a transitional group home for two and a half years and it got so much worse during the pandemic, naturally. I finally got up the courage to quit a month ago, not without being wracked with guilt for leaving my coworkers and the teens I had built strong bonds with. Before I left, half my team quit literally one month after the other and I am so happy and proud of them for quitting. It made my job more difficult bc no one wants to work barely above minimum wage in these conditions, but I supported them getting the fuck out 10000%.

We constantly get threatened, many of these youth are suicidal, working through PTSD and many other various mental illnesses. None of this is their fault; I will never blame the kids. However, because the government does not help fund mental health services, many places cannot offer much more money than slightly above minimum wage. This results in a shortage of staff, which leads to higher levels of burnout in a shorter amount of time. And ultimately these teenagers, who have already gone through so many things, have people leaving them constantly, bad structure because people keep leaving, and basically stay traumatized. And the staff are traumatized by what they have to do to keep these youth from acting out their traumas!

All of this is me screaming into the void about how absolutely useless I feel in this field. I want to make a difference. And our system is just so fucked. I feel helpless and hopeless and if you even kind of grasp the feeling I’m conveying here, please leave a reply or something in the tags. Knowing I’m not alone would really help rn

so this is the so ooc that i stopped caring thing. also i didn't originally plan on posting this but now i'm drunk so

bakugou katsuki x reader

warnings: graphic depictions of self harm and thought processes that justify self harm, mental health issues

the title of this in my google docs is "when i think about you i cut myself" bc i think i'm funny

Some days are okay. You get up, you move on with your day, you go back to bed, and you do it all again the next day. Today is not one of those days. God only knows what triggered it this time, but the thought of getting out of bed fills you with dread, hot and heavy in the pit of your stomach. You have to get out of bed. You have things to do. But all you have in your brain is that bastard and what happened to you. How are you supposed to keep going when you feel like this? Dirty and worthless and bitter. All you want is to rip yourself open. Nightmares and flashbacks every single time your eyes close. There’s too much under your skin and you just want to slash at it until it passes.

You can just imagine how good it would feel to let that go, but you’ve been doing so fucking well lately. It’s been months since you last cut yourself and you’d been so proud of yourself for not relapsing, but the thought of the release of pain, bright and sharp, is almost too good to pass up. You have one last ditch effort to prevent yourself from wasting all your efforts. The phone rings once, twice - god what the fuck are you doing, he’s probably busy and has more important things to do than deal with your dramatic bullshit, but before you can hang up, there’s an answer. “Yeah?” Katsuki’s voice comes through loud and clear, already clearing some of the storm clouds. How can such an angry asshole make you feel so much lighter? You’re tempted to hang up, but he’ll only call you back. “If you butt dialed me I swear to god-”

“No, no. Sorry. I’m here. I, uh, I- God this is so stupid. I’m sorry. I’ll see you when you get home, okay?” You can’t believe how fucking stupid and weak you’re being. He’s a pro hero for fuck’s sake. He’s got shit to do. The fact that you called him over nothing is appalling.

Katsuki knows something is up as soon as his phone rings. You don’t call unless it’s important. You know how important his job is, and you’d never intentionally distract him, even if it is just a paperwork day. His suspicions are confirmed when he can hear the tightness of tears in your voice; even more so when you try to backpedal away from it. He knows when you’re spiralling. He’s gotten good at picking up on the signs, and this sounds like a bad one. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called. I just had a moment. I’m okay, really. Just text me when you’re on your way home, okay?”

“I’m packing up now. I’ll be home soon.”

“If they need you at work, please stay, I didn’t mean to-”

“Stop it. These morons don’t need me. I’ll be home soon, alright?”

“But-”

“(Y/N),” he repeats firmly. No room for argument. He hears a sniffle from the other end of the line, but you hum your agreement, scratching at your arm. “I have to go for right now. I’ll be home as soon as I can, alright?” The signal is too spotty on the trip home to stay on the call.

“Yeah. S-see you in a bit.”

“I love you,” he reminds you. Usually he’s quiet when he says that, but this time it’s loud and clear. Like he wants you to know he’s standing by it.

“I love you, too,” it’s almost impossible to get the words out, but you manage.

You’ve been absently scratching your arms the whole time. By now the lines are deep grooves, sticky with blood and serous fluid already caking into your nails. Fuck, you didn’t mean to, you really didn’t mean to. You force yourself to stop, but you’re just getting worse and worse. You made Katsuki leave work. That’s your fault. You’re interrupting him. You’re ruining everything. He works so hard and you can’t even handle one bad day without making him pack everything up and comfort you. Disgusting. Pathetic. Your clenched fists slam into your thighs hard. It’s too much. Everything is too much and you can’t handle it.

You stop yourself from punching yourself again. Stop hurting yourself. You’re going to fuck everything up. You’ve been doing so good but you just can’t take it. Everything is too much. You lurch into the bathroom, closing the door but forgetting to lock it. You sit against the vanity, knees clutched to your chest in the small space. Your razor is right there. Right within reach. As you extend your arm, practically against your will, you see the bloody grooves you’ve carved into yourself. You’ve already fucked up. In for a penny, in for a pound.

You hesitate with the razor clutched in your hand. But then you do it, quick and smooth. An easy slice into your skin, and your head clears up a little. But you look at the blood coming from those slices, and you’re disgusted. “Stop, stop, stop!” you slam your head back into the vanity, banging loudly against it one, two, three times. The third rattles you out of it. It hurts too much to go again, the ache already radiating from the site of impact. Rubbing at it only makes it hurt worse. Stupid. What if you concussed yourself? That was fucking stupid.

You’re so stupid. You’ve fucked everything up even worse. You made Katsuki leave work. You’re bleeding all over the place. You’ve relapsed on self harm worse than you have in quite a while. As the shame and hate well up inside you, you find yourself cutting again and again. Crisscrossing lines over the skin of your stomach. You’ve already fucked up. Who cares. Katsuki’s going to see it. The thought makes you cry harder, but doesn’t stop your hand. It takes another couple of slashes to calm down. It’s grounding. It’s dragging you out of your head. The pain and hurt helps. It makes things easier to handle.

You’re so wound up, wrapped up in your own personal hell, that you don’t hear the door open. Don’t hear Katsuki running towards the sound of you sobbing, not even pausing to take off his jacket and shoes.

He doesn’t knock before opening the bathroom door. He’s worried about you, filled with adrenaline and not even thinking. So he finds you with the razor in your hand, clenched so tight you’re shaking from the strain, head bowed over your knees, just trying to hold it together. “(Y/N)!” The sound of your name startles you. You jump so hard the razor flies from your hand, and you bang your head on the vanity again for good measure.

The interruption brought your brain to a screeching halt, but when the situation strikes, it bowls you over. You don’t even know what to do. What does one say in this situation? He just walked in on you cutting yourself like an emo teenager. Maybe you are that same emo teenager you were a decade ago.

Katsuki breaks the tense silence. “Can I come over there?” he asks. You shake your head. You don’t want him to see this. He doesn’t need this shit. “Can I have the razor?” You nod. What else are you going to do? You know it’s the right thing to do. Give him the razor. You both watch the way your hand shakes when you toss it at his feet. He kicks it aside, out of your reach. That’s for the best and you know it. He squats down, trying to be as nonthreatening as possible. He might have learned a thing or two about panicked citizens over the years. And right this second, he’s never been more grateful for the de-escalation training. “Are you bleeding?” he asks, gentle as you’ve ever heard him. You nod meekly. He tries to hide how that makes him feel, but he can’t help the hard swallow; the tensing of his jaw. Luckily you’ve gone back to staring at the floor, tears still dripping down your cheeks one by one. “I’m going to get the first aid kit, okay?” The first aid kit is in the vanity. Right next to you. Another nod.

Katsuki makes his way over, kneeling in front of the vanity, but making sure not to touch you. You’ve got enough space to get away if you want, but you don’t. He hasn’t even made a face at you. You shouldn’t be surprised, of all people. He knows you have a history. He’s seen the scars. None of that scared him off. You take a deep breath, and make a terrifying choice.

The first aid kit is retrieved without incident. “Can I?” He asks gently, opening the little box of supplies. With a deep breath, you nod again. You can’t talk. It’s not coming, even if you want it to. “Where is it?” He still hasn’t even seen the cuts. You’re too tightly curled to reveal them. Another deep, shaky breath. You stretch out your legs and lean back, exposing a bleeding checkerboard on your stomach. This time you’re carefully watching his face. It’s not fair to him to take the nearly perfectly concealed wince personally, but you do. You can’t think of the last time you’ve been so embarrassed and ashamed.

“I’m just going to clean you up and dress these, alright?” He talks you through everything, warning you before every gentle touch. It hurts, but you don’t even flinch. It’s your fault you’re injured. If Katsuki wasn’t doing it, you know for a fact you would not be tending to these cuts right now, if at all. Suck it up.

While Katsuki feels like he’s doing the bare minimum, you’re having a hard time accepting the kindness. It’s an uncomfortable flipping of scripts. Usually you’re the one changing bandages, pretending that you don’t hear the hiss of air when cleaning a particularly bad gash. The vulnerability is painful, but… You can return the favor and show your own belly. It won’t kill you. Might even save you, if you’re being honest. Not that you’ll tell him that. He doesn’t need any additional pressure (unfortunately, it’s all too obvious you’re one exceptionally bad day from offing yourself).

-

It happens again not even a week later. This time you don’t even get the chance to make a phone call. You find yourself swept up in an emotional tidal wave, and the only thing that makes your thoughts slow down is that bright spot of pain.

As soon as you can breathe again, you regret it. If the last time didn’t drive Katsuki away, this will. The cuts on your stomach haven’t even healed yet, and now your arm is bleeding profusely. Maybe if you’re careful, and you wear long sleeves, he won’t even notice. (you already know it’s futile, but goddamn you can try)

You do a surprisingly good job keeping your wrist hidden from view in an oversized hoodie. But then you have to do dishes. And to do dishes you need to roll up your sleeves (not to mention how much the hot water is going to hurt but you did this to yourself). So you shoo Katsuki out of the kitchen, and once he’s out of sight, you roll up your sleeves and get to work.

You don’t even hear him come up behind you. “What’s that?” It’s not his usual bark, but he startles you so badly that you drop the plate you’re washing back into the soapy water, splashing it all over yourself and the counter. You can’t move, like, if you stay perfectly still, he won’t be able to see you. He’s not a t-rex, but you’re not thinking clearly. You know you’ve been caught. That’s what you get for doing something so- “(Y/N)” Still in a gentle voice. You know he didn’t yell last time, but he should be this time. You did it again. And you didn’t reach out like he told you to if you were feeling like that again.

Movement comes back all at once in the desperate urge to flee. You don’t want to talk about it. You don’t want to do this. You can’t face this. It’s all your fault. “Don’t make me say it,” your voice comes out small and broken. The cuts are so obviously self inflicted, but admitting it makes it real.

“Have you cleaned them?”

“Does soapy dishwater count as ‘cleaning?’” How you can be so flippant, you don’t even know. Might be the only defense mechanism you have left. Katsuki doesn’t find that half as funny as you do, though. So no, dirty dishwater does not count as cleaning then.

“Let me take care of those.” it’s not really a request.

“I have to finish the di-”

“I’ll take care of them later,” he’s already trying to pull you away from the sink, so you let him. What good is arguing going to do? You can only imagine the lecture he has in store for you for the latest in your series of fuckups.

“Stay,” he sits you at the kitchen table before leaving for the first aid kit. It feels a lot like a childhood scolding, and it’s sure to only get worse when he really lays into it. You can practically hear him talking about how stupid you’re being. How ridiculous it is that you’re falling back on what is easily your most unhealthy coping mechanism. All the things that come with that stigma of self harm.

Katsuki returns moments later with the first aid kit, but your brain has been wreaking havoc on you the whole time. Without even realizing, you’ve ripped open the scabs scratching yourself. You’re only making things worse. Very gently, he pulls your hand away from your arm so you can’t keep scratching. No yelling. No scolding. All he does is move your hand and pull out a chair close to you.

He works quickly, and quietly; patching you up with his full concentration. Within moments you’re bandaged and cleaned up. No bleeding. No mess. “You didn’t call me.” Not a question. Not even an accusation really. Just a statement.

“I didn’t want to bother you,” barely above a whisper.

“This bothers me more than a phone call,” he reminds you.

“You have important things to do and I’m just-”

“You’re the most important thing to me.” In a thousand years, you never expected him to flat out say that, and it knocks the wind out of you. “Please call me if you feel like that again,” he finally looks up from where he’s bandaged you, and you can see the shine of tears in his eyes. Your stomach hurts so much you think you’re going to throw up.

“I’m sorry.” you know an apology doesn’t undo a damn thing, but you do feel awful for doing this to him. (funny how you injure yourself and worry about hurting others) The look on his face hurts you much more than a few scratches ever could, especially when he scrubs at his eyes to try to cover it up.

“You don’t have to apologize. Just promise to call me next time, alright?”

“I don’t want to interrupt you just because I’m being dramatic. You have real emergencies to deal with.”

“Having thoughts of hurting yourself is an emergency. You know that, right?”

The sit there for a moment, eyes fixed on the floor. He’s right. Thoughts of hurting yourself is part of the textbook definition of a mental health crisis. That’s an emergency. “Even if you don’t call me,” his jaw tenses. He wants to be the one to help, but this is bigger than him. “Call someone. Anyone. Even fucking Deku if it’ll help, alright?” Your eyes snap to his, jaw practically on the floor. In a million years you didn’t think he’d tell you to call Deku instead of him. He’s serious. “Don’t look so shocked! I just want you to be okay, alright?”

“I’ll call someone next time.”

“Just don’t forget you can call me.”

“I won’t forget. And I’ll call you next time. I promise.” You mean it. You have to make yourself call next time. No more second guessing it.

“Good.” He hauls you up out of the chair and crushes you to his chest in a hug. Normally you might be offput by the tightness of your lungs, but this is nicer than breathing, to be honest. You return the hug, doing your best not to cry. You hate that you’re like this, but Katsuki loves you enough for the both of you.

re: iz*one

first of all, i wanted to say i didn’t plan on writing something about the disbandment. the past few months have been incredibly rough on my mental state to the point where i feel as if i’ve lost all sense of self. shit has been so rough for me, their disbandment being confirmed made that even worse for me. however, i realized i need to learn how to be okay with like...being open about my own emotions in a time of uncertainty and writing them out helps me in a way even if a lot of those emotions i’d rather keep private. i’ve also been going thru a time where i’m currently reevaluating this past year and everything i’ve done/felt in the past few yrs (2.5 of those years being izone’s run), so i thought i’d write something about the disbandment and what iz*one means to me, esp during this point in my life. i’d write more about what led me to this point, but if i did, i’d end up writing a whole novel, so i’m just going to keep this as short as possible.

also if this is a jumbled mess, i’m sorry!!!!

since we’re here to talk about the inevitable, i just wanted to say that i’ve probably had a harder time accepting them being gone than i thought. i knew they were gonna disband eventually bc lol produce group, but also, knowing what happened with the voting scandal and the panasonic, it makes it even worse for me. i hate that they didn’t even bother to handle their disbandment in a way that wasn’t complete horseshit. i hate how the pandora screwed everything up. i hate how we didn’t even get a proper goodbye from the girls. i knew that this was going to happen, but i fucking hate how it all turned out. i can’t say i’m 100% happy with the ending and honestly, don’t think i’ll ever be able to fully accept that they’re no longer a group. 

that said, i’m not here to vent.

while i’m obviously upset that they’re gone, the fact that they were ever a group to begin with--i’ll forever be grateful. i avoided getting into them for the longest time because of my own trauma from being involved in the 48 fandom (smth i’ll talk about at a later time bc it’s a lot), but the moment i decided to watch their “up” performance and actually give them a chance beyond looping la vie en rose, that’s when i fell in love. i fell in love with the music. i fell in love with the visuals. i fell in love with the bond between the girls. most of all, i fell in love with the fact that during a weird transitional period in my 20s, i found a group that gave me the closure i needed in a time where it felt like the world was against me while also giving me the strength i need to move on. 

while we’re on that topic, let’s talk about kwon eunbi.

as you already know from my url, eunbi is obviously my bias. she’s the leader of the group, under the company my ult group, lovelyz, is also in, and THE absolute all-rounder. she’s extremely talented, super fucking funny, a babe of THE highest order, and the best single mom you could ever ask for. every time i watch a video of iz*one’s or look at any of their pics, i’m always in absolute awe of her. while i love all of the girls (j-line has a very special place in my heart bc of my time in 48 fandom) and do consider the entire group to be one full of bias wreckers, it’s eunbi that instantly caught my eye and the one i’m incredibly proud to call my ult.

“now, drea, why is it that you’re taking so much time with talking about how special this group and that girl are to you?” well, it’s mainly because that eunbi and i are the same age (both 95-liners, but i’m older by 2 months) that i’m so drawn to not only her, but the group as well. yeah, it’s normal to be drawn to members born in your birth year, but for me and esp in this case, it’s far more complex than it seems.

around the time i got into the group, i was (still am) going thru a quarter life crisis. i had just finished my a.a., was a few months away from turning 24, and had pretty much decided i was going to take an indefinite hiatus from twitter due to the amount of harm its done to my mental health over 10 years. i felt like shit knowing that so many people my age were living their lives, getting married, having kids, etc all that shit while i felt as if i was frozen in time and like i could never accomplish any of those things because according to society, my time was up. as a woman on the autism spectrum, i never felt like anything i did was enough and knowing that even after years of trauma, the feeling that if i don’t have my entire life sorted out by 24/25 scared the living shit out of me. knowing that a panini happened made those feelings even worse. 

i know it’s weird to like...feel so many emotions over this esp since 23-25 is young and starting your career out at that age is normal. that said, knowing how eunbi was already in a group prior to joining iz*one that ended up disbanding months after they debuted, the road she took to get to where she is now, and the fact that she’s 25/26 and will get so many chances to start over is what gives me hope after such a shit year. i can finally get to where i want to be, i’ll graduate from university, i’ll hopefully get a job that will earn me enough money to move out of my mom’s house, i’ll find love, etc who the fuck knows what’s going to happen? i hate that after years of hating myself and being afraid of getting older because people often have this mentality that you should abandon all sense of yourself once you hit your mid 20s, it’s taken me THIS long to actually start accepting myself for who i am and living my life for myself, but i’m excited to see where the fuck life takes me after years of self-hatred, trauma, and trying too hard to please ppl that don’t give a shit. seeing eunbi just have a fucking blast on stage, take care of her members, and overall be the amazing person she is gave me the strength i desperately needed to actually get to the path i want to be on as someone that’s a few years away from turning 30.

as i said earlier, i’m not ready to just outright accept iz*one being gone. i’ll probably spend the entire month of may just watching their content since there’s still a shitton of stuff i have yet to watch and i’m lowkey embarrassed that as a fan, i’m admitting this, but also: there’s no time limit. i can always watch that video at another time, i’ll like that pic later, etc. i wish iz*one was one of those things that had no time limit because i’ll always cherish them, but in the 2.5 years of their existance, i achieved some big things and survived a pandemic. i left twitter, got closure in chapters i needed closure in, finished my a.a., etc among many other things during that time and it’s partly because of iz*one that i’ve pushed myself to do all of those things. it’s hard esp since it’s easier to just write smth like this on tumblr than actually do it, but the girls and their music were part of the reason why 2020 wasn’t a complete dumpster fire for me. 

most of all, i wanted to write this because i wanted to shout-out the amazing folks at @izonetwork​. i joined super late in the game, but the convos i’ve had, the laughs we’ve had on discord/among us, etc i’ll never forget it. meeting all of you was one of THE highlights of an otherwise shitty year and i’ll always credit you as one of the reasons why i wasn’t completely emotionally distant during such a dark time. all of you keep me grounded and i’m forever grateful. super honored to call you guys my friends. <3

so yeah, thank you iz*one. thank you, eunbi, sakura, hyewon, yena, chaeyeon, chaewon, minju, nako, hitomi, yuri, yujin, and wonyoung. i don’t speak korean or japanese, but know i’m eternally grateful for all the joy, strength and bops you gave me in the past 2.5 years. i’m even more grateful for the friends i’ve met thru my own fandom of the group. i’m excited to see what every single one of you does next regardless of what it may be. 

now if you’ll excuse me, i have to go catch up on all the enozis i’ve missed. 

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤