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#am not ready to process sadness right now i cannot fucking handle that i think thats the one thing i really dont want to unpack like its big
extasiswings · 2 years
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hi ok listen i am not proud of myself but im having a high anxiety day? month? year? and weewoo got me through the last month but for *reasons* aka *my mental health sucks* i am fucking terrified that i will watch faithfully unto the end and then buddie won't happen and I will not be able to handle that. do you have any wise words
also pls enjoy this gif which is me being fragile about tv characters being allowed to discover their queer selves after the age of 21
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Well, first of all, I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. I definitely know how that feels.
As to everything else...the thing is, we can't know a timeframe. We don't have a blueprint for this. I can say that I'm fairly confident that by the end of this season we'll have some form of confirmed queer Eddie with feelings for Buck because this whole season (and stretching back to Suspicion and "make sure you're following your heart") has been dealing with the theme of hearts + Eddie and what he really wants for his life, but if we didn't get that I would still be confident in Buddie happening eventually. The writers have crafted this story so beautifully, so thoughtfully up to this point. It's not an accident. They are very good at their jobs and they love these characters at least as much if not more than we do.
The other thing is, we also don't know how long the show will last or how much else needs to happen before they can get together. Right now, I don't think Buck is ready. And I don't think he's going to be ready until he has some time after breaking up with Taylor to sit with his ideas of what love and relationships are supposed to look like after all, he misunderstood the assignment, and realize that what he's been trying to find, he's actually been building with Eddie the whole time. This season was Eddie's journey. If I had to guess, I would say next season is more of Buck's. And it would be amazing if they were fully together by the end of S6, but we genuinely cannot know. All we can do is be patient, trust the process, and enjoy the epic love story playing out on our screens.
As far as advice goes, I think the best thing I can say (and not just to you, but to anyone with this concern) is this: a comfort show is a comfort show, it can be a wonderful thing to have. But I think you have to ask yourself whether the anxiety you feel about the potential of not getting your preferred outcome (which could be years away by the time it happens) outweighs the other benefits to your mental health. Because if the stress of worrying about whether a fictional ship will go canon is really detrimental to you, and especially if that anxiety is interfering with your enjoyment of the story or life in general, it may be that the best thing is to take a step back and find a comfort show that isn't going to cause that level of stress. And there's no shame in doing that -- I have absolutely taken a break from shows I enjoyed for any number of reasons, including the fact that I was frustrated with the pace of a will-they-won't-they slow burn ship. There's no law that says you can't come back and bingewatch to your heart's content when the arc you most want to see finally happens.
For myself, all I have to say is that I have hope, I have faith, I have trust. I get frustrated sometimes. I get impatient. I whine and complain. But I have faith. And sure, there's a chance that the show will end in however many years and I will be proven wrong and all the people who insisted I and others were stupid for having that faith will be vindicated. And if that happened, I would likely be sad, I would be disappointed, I might be angry, but it's still...fiction. I've made my peace with the possibility of that happening. But if I may be a little arrogant for a moment, I am also...a very smart woman and a good writer in my own right and I'm not wrong very often. So...there's that.
Ultimately, the most important thing you can do is take care of yourself. Whatever that looks like is up to you.
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snowboiwinwin · 3 years
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can i req for victon reaction when bff! s/o constantly confessing but they think of it as a joke until s/o distances and gets close w another member 👉👈
pls make it a fluff i dont want to cri lmAo
+ im so sorry if this is so detailed sksbskdm
+ take ur time and thank you!
Hi love! 🥰 Thank you so much for your request, I really appreciate it! I’m sorry it took me quite a while to finish this... I’m also sorry if they’re all repetitive! I hope you like it though! 🥺
--------------------------------------------------------
Seungsik:
i find it quite hard to figure this guy out tbh
obviously he is super kind and sweet, but i have no clue how he would react with his best friend confessing
as a friend he is  reliable, honest and very supportive
he is just a great shoulder to cry on
not someone to belittle you or not taking your worries serious
so obviously you fall for him... he is your rock
although he is the oldest and knows a bit about love
i think he would ignore every single signal you send him
like he would be absolutely oblivious and have no clue about your feelings
your confessions? he thinks they are a crazy prank you pull on him
and that really frustrates you... it also hurts ngl
so you decided to take a step back and try to get your feelings under control
but to no avail
Byungchan, the only one of the bunch who is able to tell you’re in love with their leader, tries his best to help you through this heartbreak and somehow manages to distract you with his funny antics
when Seungsik notices you coming over to the dorm less and less and Byungchan always talking about you... he starts to feel weird
maybe jealousy? he really doesn’t know
so he confronts you one day, as he is not one to get into conflicts with his children, and he does that in a very calm and mature manner
no screaming or shouting, just two grown-ups having a serious talk
again, you tell him;
“Seungsik, I. Am. In. Love. With. You! Can you finally be a grown-up about it and stop laughing at my face, accusing me of ‘pranking’ you?!”
he would be soooo taken aback cause
you love him? for real? tf? when did that happen?
but after the initial shock, he is quite relieved 
“I thought you were dating Byungchan... you almost broke my heart.”
you slap his shoulder lightly, crossing your arms and pouting
“you broke my heart first with you constant rejection!”
I’m sorry... but if you would let me, I would love to be your boyfriend. Cause I love you too.”
Seungwoo:
this baby would be SO confused
you constantly want to talk to him in private and then just say “i love you”
he will always reply with an “i love you too” and a big smile on his face
that you are actually confessing... well he really doesn’t get it
he thinks it’s just your way of platonically saying that you love him
and you might be too shy to say that in front of the guys
soooo yeah, he thinks you’re just being his great friend, making him feel loved
he obviously appreciates it and does not understand why these private conversations always seem to ruin your mood
Hanse is the one who kinda notices your sour mood whenever you had a talk with his bro
so of course he confronts you about it and you tell him the whole story
if anyone knows Seungwoo, it’s definitely the boys
and Hanse has actually great advice for you... or so you thought
“Seungwoo is VERY oblivious. Sadly, you will have to think of a grand gesture, or else he will just think of it of something friendly and platonic. Even if you would surprise him naked on a bed of roses... he would still be confused and not get that you’re in love with him.”
how are you supposed to do this? what kind of gesture is grand enough?
Hanse is no help in coming up with an actual plan, don’t get your hopes up
therefore you just go with the flow and ask yourself “what feels right?”
food is apparently the key to the heart, so you settle on a romantic picnic, at night!
Seungwoo is obviously surprised with how secretive you act and what brings you to the park at night
but when you sit him down and tell him sincerely about your plan and what made you do all of this
he is speechless
mind: blown
he did not see that coming
but after the initial shock has set in, he surprises you with a big smooch
“I love you too. Romantically as in my girlfriend.”
Chan:
he would know
and it wouldn’t be a secret that he knows
you have talked to him about it plenty of times
but when he explained that he doesn’t want a relationship just yet, you understood
putting labels on what you guys have, is making him anxious
he knows he can’t be there like a boyfriend should
so knowing he isn’t your boyfriend, pressured him a lot less
you promised you would wait until he was ready and that’s what you did
sometimes it got really frustrating and you tried to distract yourself by hanging out with Seungsik
he is such calm and gentle guy, not hyper like the rest (minus Hanse)
so most of your days are now spend with the leader, obviously very friendly dates, you are not looking for another guy to mess with your feelings
Chan of course noticed how you hung out more with his member than with him
and suddenly he started to fear losing you
because let’s be real, Seungsik is beautiful and he has a great personality
Chan then looked for Sejun and asked him for advice
he feels stupid - how can he say he isn’t ready for a relationship and then be jealous of you hanging out with other guys?
that is not fair on you at all
“channie! you are in love. we know, i know, everyone knows. why are you like that? go and get your lady, please!”
and although he wanted nothing more than to punch Sejun in the face, he decides to finally make your guys’ relationship official
when you arrive at the dorm, it’s show time
“Hey... I don’t wanna beat around the bush... I’m ready.”
“Ready for?”
“Ready to be your boyfriend.”
“What if I’m not ready to be your girlfriend?”
“Don’t mess with my feelings.”
“Joke, let’s make out.”
“I already regret it.... but hey, I love you.”
Sejun:
soooo you guys are a very special pair of friends
you guys have been inseparable since birth
but along the way, you guys decided to become friends with benefits
the rule: no catching feelings
and it worked out fine
until you kinda developed a small tiny crush on the beautiful man
but obviously this is a secret - you don’t want this arrangement to end
Sejun has also developed feelings but obviously you are not aware of that either
both of you are quite oblivious 
due to your guys’ arrangement, you never got your hopes up
but although Sejun fulfilled your needs, you still craved for love
and Chan was seemingly offering you that kind of love
you aren’t sure about that yet, but he has asked you out on a coffee run (date)
when Sejun found out, he was furious
because yes, you aren’t his girlfriend and no one knows you guys are sleeping with each other...
BUT how dare Chan make a move on his bestie?
and love of his life... tf?
after your date with Chan, which was so beautiful
you got a message from Sejun
typical booty call
kinda sad and hurt, you still walk towards the boys’ dorm
Chan is quite surprised to see you yet again but doesn’t ask too many questions
Sejun is already in his room, more than ready to get right into the chill part of netflix and chill
this time it feels different though
as if he is more caring
he handles you a lot gentler than usual
and is constantly asking if you’re okay
not that he usually isn’t caring but he is not as aware of your feelings during the process
after you guys are finished, he pulls you super close
also very unusual
after a while just cuddling, he finally speaks up
“I think I’m ready.”
“For what?”
“To go a step further.”
“... you wanna try anal?”
“WHAT?! NO!!! I wanna date you, you dumb idiot.”
“Okay, works fine by me. I wanna date you too.”
“Great, now shut up and kiss me.”
Hanse:
he is so in love with you
absolutely head over heels in love
but he does not dare to say a word
to him, he is bad news and you definitely deserve better than him
but that’s bullshit cause Hanse is god-like
his confidence hits an all time low when it comes to you
with you it’s different
when he is with you he feels loved, he loves himself and he just enjoys your presence
Hanse knows whenever he hangs out with you, there is no judgement and he can be himself
so obviously he is in love with you, how could he not?
but there was Sejun, the attractive hulk
Hanse loves his friend but the way you look at him and how you always seem to hag out with him, makes Hanse feel sick
he isn’t one to be jealous though
you deserve all the love and happiness
even if he isn’t the reason for it
for you, Hanse was never more than a friend
but nowadays, the way he carries himself, you do kinda feel attracted towards him
and as Sejun is a naturally flirty guy, you go to him and ask him if he has noticed anything different about Hanse and how you can try and steal his heart
unfortunately Hanse overhears your conversation
and let me tell you
HE IS SO HAPPY
he can’t get rid of the smile on his face
but he doesn’t say anything and walks to his room, happily swinging his hips
after your talk with Sejun, you decide to go home but not before saying by to Hanse
as you walk into his room, he immediately pulls you into a tight hug
“I love you so much. I heard everything you said to Sejun and I can’t even put into words how happy I am. I love you, so fucking much, please let me be your boyfriend.”
“I want nothing more than for you to be my boyfriend. I love you too Hanse.”
Byungchan:
i feel like it’s a regular occurrence for you guys to prank each other
so obviously when you tell him you love him more than a friend, he bursts out laughing and asks you where you hid your camera
this is obviously very frustrating
how on earth are you supposed to tell him about your feelings in a serious setting, when nothing you guys ever do is serious?
after various tries, you decide to give up 
you cannot waste your time when he clearly isn’t that interested in you
so you distance yourself and spend more time with Subin
Subin is quite the opposite of Byungchan
he is way calmer and more relaxed than your best friend
it’s a nice change
Byungchan notices how you start watching YouTube videos with Subin instead of him
which he doesn’t care about at first, cause you are allowed to have other friends too!
but when all you ever do is hanging out with baby Subin... he feels horrible
and he gets mad
and he acts on impulse
he is usually very peaceful an solves arguments ina calm manner
but when he sees Subin, he immediately starts to accuse the boy of stealing you from him
Subin is take aback at first but then turns furious as well cause he is well aware of your feelings for the lanky giant
“If you weren’t an idiot that constantly reject her, you wouldn’t need to cause such drama!”
“What do you mean? I am not rejecting her?”
“But you are! She is so in love with you and all you ever do is laugh in her face! Imagine how she feels.”
Byungchan is shook
so he immediately calls you and arranges a meeting
all this time you confessed you were actually serious?
he feels so horrible
he never meant to put you through all of this
before you can even greet him, he smashes his lips against yours and kisses you as if his life depended on it
“Woah, what was that channie?”
“I love you. And I know you love me too. I’m so sorry it took me so long to realise!”
“I love you too. I’m so glad you finally know.”
Subin:
i’m so soft for Subin
he is such a cutie
he is very young, so I think he might not really know that he is feeling butterflies in his stomach and not just the food he is digesting 
telling his hyungs about how he feels weird around you nowadays and them being like: our baby is in love!, has him confused
is he really in love?
you bet he googles his “symptoms” to see, what the internet says about all of this
and good news: all the sites tell him, he is indeed in love (with some expectations but he trusts his hyungs)
but how is he supposed to tell you?
to him you are this unreachable goddess he will never be good enough for
he is a baby, there are more mature guys out there that are far better for you than him
especially Chan
he is also your friend, you guys get along so well
and while Subin is happy you love his friends as much as he does
it breaks his heart little by little every time he sees you with his favorite hyung
little does he know that Chan knows how in love he is with you
it’s not like Sbin tries to be subtle at all
but you are so focused on your friendship, you don’t realise all the little things
so one day Chan sits you down and asks you a bunch of stupid questions
“Don’t you think our Subinie is super sexy nowadays?”
“He is definitely boyfriend material.”
“I would love you two to date!”
Subin walks into the dorm and overhears you guys
he is so embarrassed 
so he storms in and drags you into his room with no words spoken
“what was this all about?”
you ask confused
“I think I might be in love with you.”
Subin stutters, cheeks and ears tinted red
you smile softly and press a sweet kiss to his pouty lips
“good thing i might be in love with you too.”
“WHAT?! FOR REAL?”
“yes... so what do you say? should we date?”
“uhm... I would love to! Yes!”
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panda-noosh · 4 years
Text
lets talk business {Finn Shelby x Reader}
 Words: 9.4k
Summary: Polly Gray comes to you looking for a good business deal. It’s only luck that makes her bring Finn Shelby along with her.
Genre: fluff ?????????????? 
Warning: swearing
Notes: support my writing or ask me about commissions! 
---
“Polly fucking Gray.”
       The woman smiles. Sharp, all cheekbones. She somehow manages to keep her lips pursed, illuminating the mischievous glint in her eyes that much more.     
     Part of you still cannot believe she is sitting in front of you; the woman herself, one of the leading cronies of the Peaky Blinders, one of the most feared people in all of England. She’s certainly got an air to her, one you can’t dismiss as you sit on the other side of the table, hands folded on the wood, heart thumping no matter how calm you may look on the outside.
    You’ve trained yourself to deal with people like her - people who think they can come into your office and twist your arm whatever way they want. Men, women, gangster wanna-be’s - you’ve dealt with all of them, and you have no intentions of letting Polly Gray be any exception to the harsh realities of your business.
      She leans back in her seat, tapping her fingers against the edge of the desk; she has been in here for two minutes already and has not said a single word. 
      “To what do I owe the pleasure?” you ask.
     Polly tilts her head to the side, examining you in the way only a Shelby really can. “I’m here to talk business, Y/N. Don’t waste my time.”
    “I’m not the one who’s been sat in silence since I walked in.”
    “I shouldn’t have to explain myself.”
  You raise a brow. “No? Maybe that’s why you and your little motley crew have been dropping like flies recently - bad communication can have detrimental effects on a business.”
     Polly pauses. It’s brief, barely noticeable unless you’re paying extra close attention. “Is that what you think the Peaky Blinders are? A business?”
    “No more than I am, love.”
    “If I were you, I’d get that out of my head as soon as possible.”
    You narrow your eyes. “Are you threatening me already? We haven’t even got to the good stuff yet.”
    Polly slaps her hand against the desk. Globes and glasses rattle, only the security of your expensive storage units keeping them from shattering. Polly’s nostrils flare, her eyes glaring into your own - but you do not look away.
     You just smile, tapping the little pile of papers to your left. “I’ve got all the details you want right here, Miss Gray. Feel free to start being polite at any time. I’ve got all day for you, love.”
     Polly growls, slowly sitting back. “How many guns can you provide us in a fortnight?”
    “How many do you need?”
   “As many as you can get.”
    You hum thoughtfully, despite already knowing the answer. Keeping her on her toes is a goal, a way to make sure she is aware that you are in charge right now, that you will not be taking orders from her just because everyone else is so willing to trail in her wake.
      Polly inhales deeply, clearly trying to calm herself down. “I haven’t got all day, Y/N.”
    “Let’s put this into perspective,” you reply, resting your elbows on the desk. “My people collect shipments from all over the fucking world, Polly. We get deliveries of twenty to thirty assault weapons every single day - at most, I can get you over four hundred guns in two weeks; it won’t be subtle, and you’ll need to have a hiding place ready for them before the first shipment, but we can do it.”
    Polly’s eyes glisten. “Over four hundred?”
    “If the money’s right on your end.” Her smile fades. You shrug, tapping your fingertips together. “This is an expensive world we’re living in, Miss Gray, and you are dealing with some very expensive business. You gather the funds, we’ll gather the guns. That’s the only way this is going to work.”
    Polly tilts her head to the side, lips still pursed like there is forever something sour playing on her tongue. “I don’t think you understand who you’re making business with right now.”
      You smile. “No. I understand just fine - I just don’t give a fuck. You people don’t scare me. I’ve got wages to pay, love. This isn’t a game.”
      It takes a minute - perhaps a minute too long, but Polly eventually smiles. It’s small, barely there unless you’re looking for it. With her head still tilted, brown curls resting on her shoulder, she nods and says, “Fair enough. We can get the first payment to you before the end of the night, but we expect them four hundred guns in fourteen days. Or else consequences will be dire.”
  “Oh, I know, Miss Gray. I’ve heard all about you and the Shelby boys.”
    You’re not lying - it would be impossible to live on this side of town and not know who the Shelby boys are, the things they do to people who don’t follow their plans meticulously. You have no intentions of falling into that category - but that doesn’t mean you’re going to let them walk all over you, either.
     ----
      The docks are cold this time of day, but the police are nowhere to be found.
   Early morning starts are not high on the laws agenda, apparently, which is why you find yourself half-awake, bundled in layers upon layers of clothes, standing beside the boats currently delivering the guns you requested - the guns for Polly Gray.
     It’s not like you to be there when the deliveries come in - you deal with the issues behind the scenes, often staying locked up in the dark office, sifting through papers and complaints, getting rid of people who have a bit too much to say about the way your business is run.
    But Polly Gray is more than just a normal client. She’s Polly fucking Gray, someone you need to please or else face a wrath unlike any other. So, you dragged yourself from your bed at four this morning, and now stand by the boats, watching the crates of weaponry get dragged from their decks.
    Fingers graze your elbow. You tilt your head to the side, a silent request for the stranger to talk.
    “Someone is here to see you,” an Irish accent says. You turn, first catching sight of Mr Luther Murdock, one of the few men in the world whom you trust with your life. 
    Standing behind him, however, is someone you most certainly did not expect to see this morning.
    Finn Shelby is a tall man - a tall boy? - with the slicked back, half-shaved hair of the Shelby clan. He wears an expensive suit, consisting of only three layers, and you silently wonder how he isn’t shivering right now. But he isn’t, instead standing tall and bold amongst the dust and grime of an early morning business delivery.
    You turn fully, folding your arms over your chest. “Finn Shelby. What a surprise. Has your aunt had my name in her mouth again?”
    Finn shoves his hands in his pockets. He doesn’t even look at you when he speaks, too busy examining everything going on around him - you realise he doesn’t get out much, not as often as his brothers, anyway. This side of things must be so new to him, so bizarre. You nearly laugh in his face - his brothers go out murdering people every single day, but the idea of someone importing guns into Birmingham is what intrigues him.
     “Yes,” you continue when he doesn’t respond to your previous jab. “This is where all the magic happens. See that crate over there?” You point to a wooden box being hauled from a boat onto the platform. “That’s for you and your shit-stain family.”
    Finn smiles. “Is it now.”
    “The money was given to us quite promptly, I will admit. I thought for sure you would have just threatened us till we did what you wanted.”
      “We don’t work like that.”
    “No? So where have all the big bad tales come from then?”
    Finn’s mouth twists. Still, his eyes do not meet your own, giving you plenty of time to smile to yourself. Finn is certainly one of the easier ones to mess with, if just because he’s lived in his brothers’ shadows for as long as he’s been able to walk. He doesn’t have the same confidence, the same quick-wit that the other Shelbys have.
     It’s kind of sad, really.
    You stare at him a moment longer, waiting for him to continue the conversation, perhaps offer up an explanation as to why he’s here in the first place. Most of the time, people make their orders and just leave you to get on with it - it’s very rare someone actually comes down to view the process.
     Finally, Finn sighs, and for the first time since you acknowledged his presence, his eyes snap to your own. “This is an interesting little set-up you’ve got here.”
     “It’s not so much interesting as it is cautious.”
  “Is that why you’re here so early?”
    You shrug. “Don’t get it twisted, Shelby. You won’t find me down here at this time every day - I just wanted to make sure my people were doing the job right for you and your people, yeah.”
      Finn hums. “Nice of you. Considering you’re a twat.”
     “Now who gave you that impression?”
    Finn tilts his head, examining you for longer than strictly necessary. His gaze makes you uncomfortable, being dragged forth to the point where you have to look away and change the topic; maybe that’s where his skills lie. John, Arthur and Tommy carry the guns for intimidation, but all Finn needs is his expression.
    You turn and start walking along the docks, giving Luther a thankful nod that reads go away. Finn follows close behind you, polished heels clicking against the rough wood.
     “So, are you going to tell me why you’ve really come here today?”
    “I overheard Polly talking about her inquiry.”
    You raise a brow, glancing over your shoulder. Finn catches your eye, smiles sheepishly.
    “You really made her angry.”
     You shrug. “It’s business. It’s what we do. If your aunt can’t take that, then maybe she isn’t as tough she likes to make herself out to be.”
    Finn pauses. “What the fuck are you on about?”
    “It’s true what they say, Shelby - being tough doesn’t just come from violence. You might be able to shoot a gun and kill people without blinking, but if you can’t handle a little tough criticism, then how strong can you really be?”
    Finn doesn’t respond. You think you might have hit a sore point for him.
    Barrelling on, you say, “You overheard Dear Pol talking about me. Then what? Your interest was piqued?”
     “I wanted to see what made you so special.”
    You very nearly freeze on the spot. Instead, you catch yourself, glancing at him yet again. “She said I was special?”
    “She said you were a lot of things,” Finn replies. “But we have our own people when we want weaponry - I want to know why she came to you this time. You, of all people. Basically the same age as me-”
    “You’re older.”
  Finn tilts his head. “I guess I just want to know how you fucked your life up so bad that you’ve ended up on this side of things so early on.”
      Your mouth fills with cotton. You swallow thickly, turning back to the path in front - around you, people are bustling back and forth, bowing their heads, giving you tiny little “Hello’s” that are meant to sound pleasant but honestly just reek of fear. You are surrounded by grown men who want nothing more than to impress you, to place themselves in your good books because they know what will happen to them if they somehow find themselves upon the alternative.
     You never would have thought such a reaction a bad thing, but now that Finn has spoken, it does seem a bit weird. You’re successful, rolling in money you honestly don’t deserve, but what does it all mean if you have people terrified of you?
      Finn picks up his pace, strolling alongside you now. His shoulder clips with yours, and it takes everything in you not to turn around and shove him into the harbour. 
     “I’ve never met someone like me before,” he says.
    “You haven’t yet. We’re nothing alike.”
    “No?”
    “I don’t fancy being compared to a Shelby.”
     “Mm. See, I might be wrong, then. Us Shelby’s can admit when something’s true - clearly you can’t.”
     You grit your teeth, balling your hands into fists. “Do you want these guns or not, Finn? Because if you carry on the way you are now, I’ll cancel everything. You can take your fucking money back.”
     “You think you have that kind of power?”
   You whirl around so abruptly, Finn nearly crashes into you. “You think I don’t? Are you forgetting whose business this is? Are you forgetting who’s in charge?”
     Finn steps back. He doesn’t look scared, but he doesn’t look unprovoked, either; slightly widened eyes, a swift swipe of his tongue across his lower lip that proves to you this is not the reaction he was expecting. People from all over the world will drop to their knees to see to every Shelby boys wish and desire - clearly this is what Finn wants from you, as well.
     “If you came here just to spew your bullshit superiority complex, I don’t want to fucking hear it. Unlike you, I have work to do, shit to get done.” You turn, calling out to a nearby dock worker. “Oi! Mate, take this little prick back to wherever the fuck he came from.”
    The dock worker scrambles forward, bending to your every wish.
    Turning back to Finn, you give him a sarcastic smile. Again, he swipes his tongue along his lower lip.
    “Have a safe journey home,” you say. “Maybe you can find a dark alley somewhere to go fuck yourself.”
    ----
       “So I fucked that up pretty badly.”
    Arthur takes a long drag of his cigarette, cold eyes set in a wrinkled face running the length of Finn Shelby as the two brothers sit across from each other in The Garrison.
     Finn doesn’t want to be here. Finn wants to be back in bed, cuddled up under a warm blanket after the early morning he was subject to today. He argues the early morning was entirely against his will, but even he isn’t delusional enough to believe such a thing - the moment he heard you were doing business with his family, he knew he needed to see you.
    And it has been a long time since you and Finn Shelby last spoke; taking from the conversation you two had this morning, he can only assume you don’t really remember your last meeting at all. The smiles, the laughter, the getting-to-know-each other. Today, you spoke to him like he was a complete stranger, and Finn doesn’t know if you’re just trying to protect yourself, or if you really do not remember him.
    Arthur sighs in that heavy way Arthur always does. He has one hand perched on his knee, the other holding his sixth lit cigarette. “I expected nothing less from you, brother. Absolutely nothing less.”
     “I don’t get it,” Finn grumbles. “I don’t even know where I slipped up.”
    “Sometimes it’s best to just move on. If the devil’s not interested in you, then that’s how it is.”
     Finn scowls; it’s become a habit of his to agree with everything his older brothers say, but this is something he can’t get on board with. You’ve changed, yes, but it’s not really in a bad way - you’ve become stronger, more in-tune with your surroundings. It’s a big difference from the timid business-oriented person you were before, sitting behind a mahogany desk, taking shit from anyone and everyone. 
     Part of Finn is happy you’ve grown a backbone. Another, more selfish part of him just wants you easy to bend again.
     He sighs and takes a sip of his whiskey. “Fuck me, man.”
     “Right,” Arthur replies, slapping the table. “How about this, Finny-boy. A whore for the night. I’ll pay for her, don’t you worry, but you clearly need something to get your mind off this Y/N person you’re on about.”
    Finn flicks his eyes up. “Stop pretending you don’t know who they are.”
    Arthur shrugs, slumping back in the booth. He takes a drag of his cigarette, blows the smoke directly into Finn’s face. “Polly’s been raving on about them for a good week and a half now. Sounds like a right handful.”
     “Yeah, well, that’s a bit rich coming from a fucker like you.”
    Arthur grins. “I never said it’s a bad thing. I just don’t know if a handful is the type you should be focusing on.”
    Finn raises a brow. “And what do you mean by that?”
     “Well.” Arthur trails his eyes along Finn’s form, and Finn already knows exactly what his brother is going to say. “You’re not exactly the sturdiest little bastard in Birmingham, are you? Y/N will be trailing you through the streets by the bollocks if this turns into anything.”
    Despite himself, Finn’s cheeks heat up. He looks down, scratching a few lines into the table; Arthur is wrong, of course. Finn can hold himself just as well as any of them, and he’s not about to let some sketchy business-owner boss him around. Yes, he has fond memories of you, but at the end of the day, you’re a different person now. You’re Finn’s rival. He has to remember that.
     He looks back up. Arthur is already staring at him, amused smile appearing beneath his bushy moustache. “Promise me you won’t tell Tommy anything about Y/N.”
    Arthur scoffs. “Tommy already knows about Y/N, you stupid twat. Even without Pol ranting about them every two seconds, Thomas Shelby knows everything.”
    “Y/N might be a bit different.”
    “Oh, give it a rest, lad. None of this they’re special bullshit - Tommy knows all about them, and listen to me when I tell you this.” Arthur leans in, lowering his voice despite the privacy of the booth they’re seated in. “He’s got them and their little business high on his radar.”
     --- 
    Finn isn’t someone you would ever call a friend.
    Especially not now.
    Once upon a time, perhaps you could classify him as a fascination - but all the Shelby’s were a fascination when you lived in Birmingham - especially Small Heath. Their names were once plastered everywhere until Thomas Shelby started getting a little too big for hit boots. The mans wife died, and he went downhill from there. People stopped respecting them as much; people had less fear; the streets of Birmingham became less of a risk, because people saw that the Shelby clan could be brought down if the need arose.
    Finn, however, was one of the only Shelby boys you ever had any direct contact with. Brief, barely memorable, but it happened, and you remember it better than you are willing to admit.
     You sit in your office now, the only light coming from the lantern lit on the desk beside you. The door is closed, but you can still hear the bustle outside it, employees yelling at each other, people falling over one another in their attempts to get the heaps upon heaps of work finished in time.
    You should be helping them. Usually, you would be out there, making sure your business stays on it’s toes, but seeing Finn today has done something to you that you can’t quite explain - rattled you, maybe. Thrown you off guard. His visit was certainly unexpected, but you’re usually so good at pulling yourself together when you need to. 
     You tug your knees into your chest, leaning your forehead against them. Through the door, someone cries out, another person telling them to suck it up. You close your eyes, try to catch your breath before you really do sink into the territory of absolutely insane.
     You want to drift off to sleep. You want to close your eyes and not resurface until all of this drama has been cleared up, until the Shelby’s are out of your life for good. Only then will you be able to focus solely on the work in front of you.
     A knock sounds at the door. You bite your lower lip, resisting the urge to yell at the guest to just fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, it’s too late for this, you don’t have the mental capacity-
      “Come in!”
     The door creaks open. Heels thump against the carpet. The smell of expensive perfume fills the room. You know exactly who has just entered.
    Slowly lifting your head, you are greeted by Polly Gray. She’s wearing an expensive striped suit, and standing behind her is her young son, Mr Michael Gray, dressed in a simple grey suit with his hair slicked back. Compared to the last time you saw him, he’s certainly broadened out.
     “I see you got your custody back.”
    Polly’s nostrils flare. “It’s like you’re running some kind of zoo out there.” She plucks a cigarette from your desk and sits down, gesturing for her son to do the same. Without invitation, the two Gray’s get comfortable, Polly propping one knee up against the arm rest of her seat, lighting a cigarette at the same time. Michael’s beady little eyes are dancing around in search of alcohol.
     You slump against your own seat, sighing. “I’m tired, Polly. Tonight is not the night to talk to me about business.”
    “Ah, see, that’s not acceptable,” she replies, pointing her cigarette at you. “When you’re working with me, love, you have to be on call at all times.”
     “And when you’re working with me, you need to have a bit of fucking trust.”
    Her eyes snap up, narrowing. “Beg your pardon?”
     “Don’t play dumb, Pol. It’s really not a good look on you.”
    Polly slowly leans forward. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
      “Sending Finn to come check on me this morning was unnecessary.” You pluck the cigarette from her fingers, taking a drag of your own. “My people know what they’re doing. Plus, Finn Shelby is hardly a decent fear tactic - I could snap that boy in two if I wanted.”
     Michael and Polly fall silent, and for a second, you second-guess your sentence choice - did you just make yourself sound stupid? Either way, the pair share a confused glance before Michael leans his elbows on the mahogany and says, “Finn visited you this morning?”
    You freeze. “At around five am, yeah.”
      Polly snickers, a noise that would infuriate you if it came from anyone else. From Polly, however, it just captures your attention, and suddenly you’re awake again. 
      “You didn’t send him?” you question. 
     “We don’t send Finn to do anything,” Polly says. “And this is exactly why. He gets infatuated. He’s not like his brothers, dear - he isn’t completely heartless.”
     You blink, unsure what she means. She’s still smiling, still staring like she’s waiting for you to catch on, too.
    You lean back, folding your arms over your chest. “None of your business dealings have to do with Finn. Keep him out of it.”
     “We never dragged him into it in the first place,” says Michael. He, too, is grinning, though he has the decency to hide it behind his whiskey glass. “That’s all on Finn, I’m afraid, and who are we to tell him to back off?”
    You scowl. “You Shelby’s really enjoy walking on thin ice, don’t you?”
    “You said it yourself, love,” says Polly. “Finn has nothing to do with our business dealings, meaning his actions have no connection to what we’ve got going on. If you were to cancel all of this because of him, you’re going against your own quote.”
    You hate that she’s right. You hate that she’s got your arm twisted behind your back, hate that she has even the tiniest bit of control over you and your decisions. But she’s paid you already. The first delivery of guns has already been set up, already been stored away for later use - taking everything back now would just be a hassle.
    Plus, it would be giving Finn the control he clearly wants, and you can’t have that.
    Because why else would he come and see you? Why else would he want an insight into your business process?
    When you fail to reply, Polly sighs, an almost dreamy sound clearly meant to infuriate you. You look at her through the tops of your eyes, watching as she snatches the glass of whiskey from her sons hand and takes a sip for herself. Michael doesn’t even flinch, just folds his arms over his chest and continues watching you like a predator watching prey.
     “I only came here for an update on my guns,” says Polly. “But I’ve received something much, much more interesting.”
     “Your boy is an idiot,” you snap. “If he thinks he’s getting anything out of me-”
    “Finn isn’t one to care for family business.” Polly grins, tilting her head to the side; it’s that look she’s famous for, the one that makes anyone feel ten times smaller. “If he came to visit you, it wasn’t for business of any sort. I’d maybe ask him what he wants next time you see him.”
    Michael smiles, a dimple popping on his left cheek. “Cute.”
    “Go to hell,” you spit.
    Polly chuckles, placing a hand on Michaels arm. Together, the two of them rise from their seats and start towards the door; they didn’t even get their update, but they both look smugly content, like they’ve gotten exactly what they came for.
    You hug your knees closer to your chest, fully aware that the pose makes you look cowardly, but you don’t care right now. You watch them leave, Polly giving you the smallest wave over her shoulder before her and her son disappear through the door; outside, the halls get quiet. You can hear the back door slam shut before the hustle and bustle of business life starts back up again.
    You close your eyes, letting your head fall to your knees again; you’re exhausted, even more confused than you were when you first laid eyes on Finn this morning, and quite frankly, in no fit shape to be dealing with the Shelbys’  bullshit.
     ---
    “Look, there’s nothing we can do. One of the orders went missing, and we can’t find a way to get it back.”
    “Great. Fucking fantastic! This is exactly what we wanted today, eh?”
    Luther lowers his head, blonde hair falling in his eyes; he’s trying to hide his shame, but you see right through him. There’s horror there, an acceptance of the punishment he and the entire team will be receiving from the Peaky Blinders if this deal does not go to plan.
     You run your hands through your hair. “How does an entire order of guns go missing?”
    “My best bet is it was stolen,” says Luther. “Going through all them borders, it’s not far-fetched to imagine someone with sticky fingers getting their hands on it.”
    “Yeah, well, they’ll think twice when I cut off those fucking sticky fingers.”
     “And who are you threatening?”
     No.
    This is the last thing you need, the absolute last thing you need. You whirl around nonetheless, like Finn is a magnet you are drawn to - and there he stands, tall and lanky and gorgeous but so, so smug and annoying that it nearly makes you want to rip your hair out.
    You grit your teeth, stuffing your hands in your pockets. “Who let you through?”
    Finn grins, striding forward. He examines the crates on his way towards you, stopping only when he is centimetres away from exactly where you are stood. “No one needs to let me through. You’ve got some loyal people here, Y/N, but you’re forgetting the Peaky Blinders run Birmingham.”
    “So the rumours say.”
    “You never answered my question, though - who are you threatening?”
    He’s going to find out eventually. In a weeks time when he and his family are receiving their order of guns and they are an entire crate short, he’s going to know exactly what happened.
    You glance up at him, and you feel something break inside you. You can’t quite pinpoint what it is, but you’ve felt it before, tried fighting it off so many times. It’s linked to those blue eyes, blood-shot with exhaustion and years of seeing things no man should ever have to see. It’s linked to the way he stands, so close you can feel his warmth radiating off them stupidly expensive suits he has the honour of wearing every single day. It’s linked to the tilt of his head, the small smile that seems to only appear when he’s taking the piss out of you.
      You look back to the ground, shoving these thoughts aside enough to say, “One of our orders went missing during delivery and we can’t get it back.”
     The admission is like a blow to the chest, even though it shouldn’t be - it was a simple mistake, one you had no control over. But it’s a mistake that shouldn’t have been in place, a mistake you’ve never made before, a mistake that is linked to Polly fucking Gray.
     Finn pauses for a brief moment. Looking up, you notice his eyes are no longer trained on you, but on a spot just by your head. His lower lip jults out, and if you listen close enough, you can make out the sound of him humming.
     “Polly isn’t gonna be too happy about that,” he says finally.
    You fold your arms over your chest. “No. I don’t think she will.”
     “That’s not very good, is it?”
    You glare. “Fuck off, Finn.”
    He laughs, throwing his head back. The move surprises you, considering it’s the most emotion you’ve ever seen a Shelby display in a sober state; it’s nice, but you curse the warmth that immediately spreads to your chest. It forces you to take a step back, just for safety.
     “Right, what are we gonna do about this, then?” he says, lowering his head to glance at the crates. “I’ve got a few orders I can probably spare - throw a couple onto the pile.”
      You blink, not entirely positive you’ve heard him right.
    He looks down, raising a brow at your silence. “What?”
    “What?”
     He chuckles. “Isaiah and I have more guns than we can store. We can toss a few onto your shitty little pile-”
    “Watch your mouth.”
    “And then you’ll have nothing to worry about. What do you say?”
     “There’s a catch.”
    “No there isn’t.”
    “I’m not stupid, Finn.” You take another step back, very nearly tripping over a worker bustling past. “I know your family. You don’t do things for others unless you want something in return.”
    Finn scowls, folding his arms over his chest. “Why does everyone just assume me and my family have the exact same personalities? We’re different people, you know, and I just so happen to be willing to help you without getting anything back.”
      This is something you can’t even fully wrap your head around - he’s Finn Shelby. He’s a Peaky Blinder. Him and generosity do not - and will not - go hand in hand.
     Finn groans, tilting his head and closing his eyes. “Do you want the offer or not? ‘Cause I can just go back to The Garrison and tell Polly you’re-”
      “Let me see what you’ve got.”
    His eyes flick open. That smile starts again. “Of course. Follow me.”
    And that’s how you end up alone with Finn Shelby, standing in a freezing cold storage locker, surrounded by more crates of guns than your maths skills allow you to count.
     Wrapping your arms around your middle, you say, “Holy fuck,” because that honestly seems like the only decent response you can give to a sight like this.
    Finn slips his blazer off, drops it casually over your shoulders before he strides forward and starts unclipping the lids of the crates. “Yeah, it’s quite a lot. We got carried away when the Russians were around.”
      “Right. Russians.”
     He jumps up, balancing one foot on the edge of a crate as he looks inside and rummages through what can only be a great, great number of guns. They scrape against each other, and you can imagine the scratches currently infesting their slick black armour with how badly they’re being handled.
     You tug Finn’s blazer tighter around yourself, biting your tongue. 
     “We’ve got all sorts,” he explains. “Pistols, automatics, semi-automatics, pump actions-”
     He tosses a pistol onto the floor. 
    You yelp. “Finn!”
    He glances over his shoulder, a glimmering smile on his face. “I knew that was gonna rile you up.”
    You pick up the gun and stuff it in the waistband of your jeans. “You’re such an asshole. Do you know how dangerous it is to go round throwing guns about? What if the safety hadn’t been on?”
    “Why wouldn’t the safety be on?” He goes back to rummaging, shaking his head. “Honestly, you think I’m some kind of fucking amateur-”
    You groan and stomp forward, grabbing his arm and yanking him down from the crates. He stumbles into your chest, turning to look at you, but you’re already pulling yourself up onto the ledge he was previously stood upon.
     “What are you doing?” 
   “A better fucking job than you, that’s for sure.”
    He doesn’t respond, but you hear him chuckle.
     The crates are truly what a serial killers dream would be made of - piles upon piles of guns, all sorts of guns, crammed in a single crate. Some of them have the safety gauze on them, whilst some just hang out loosely, a danger to anyone who handles them too roughly - it’s this danger that sends a thrill swirling through your stomach, this danger that prompts you to reach forward and grab one from the box.
     Finn tenses. “Careful.”
    “A Colt, hm.” You point and aim at the storage room door. “1903 model, yeah?”
    “I haven’t looked.”
    You nod. “Definitely a 1903 model. Don’t see many of these around nowadays.”
    Finn sighs. “Put it down. We’re not here to piss about.”
    “I’m not pissing about. I happen to know exactly what I’m doing.”
    “I’ve never seen you shoot a gun in your life.”
    You scoff. “You haven’t seen me do a lot of things, Finn Shelby.”
     Why he is so rattled, you do not know. Usually so calm and laid back, the youngest Shelby now stomps towards you, grabs your wrist-
    “Finn! What the fuck?”
    You try tugging your hand out of his grip, but his fingers tighten. Your arms are tossed over your head in the quarrel, your own fingers tightening on the trigger, just enough for a bullet to speed into the roof. Concrete crumbles over your head, and you barely have time to yell before Finn’s arms have wrapped round your waist and he’s tugging you to the ground, his broad body thrown on top of your own. 
    An entire chunk of concrete collapses, landing and smashing on the cold floor, just inches from where you and Finn are currently kneeled.
     You pause. Your heart thunders. You can hear nothing but his breath tickling the side of your head, your blood rushing to your ears. The Colt 1903 lays discarded by the crates you have just been thrown from, and Finn’s arm is still on the small of your back when you finally emerge back into reality.
      “Finn,” you whisper. There’s dust in your throat, blood on your elbows and knees.
   “Yeah?” he whispers back.
     “I won’t have to pay for that damage, will I?”
   Finn pulls back, hand snaking along your hip as he pushes himself up onto his elbow to take a look at the damage in question. You hear him take a sharp breath, fingers tightening on your hip before he stands up. You follow shortly after, eyes widening as soon as you take a look at what has happened.
     “Oh, fuck.”
    The cracks in the floor aren’t even the worst bit of it; there’s a chunk taken from the roof, wires and long pieces of wood hanging down. Dust floats through the air, blinding you for seconds at a time until you eventually swat it away. An entire crate of guns has been knocked over, and it’s only by the good grace of God that none of them went off in the collision.
     Finn stands to the side, one hand trailing through his hair, the other rubbing absently at his stomach; his lower lip is pulled between his teeth, a clear sign that he has absolutely no idea what to do, that the two of you are more than likely going to be in deep, deep trouble when one of the other Peaky Blinders finds this mess.
    “Are you alright?”
    You close your eyes. “It’s not really been my day, Finn, so no. I can’t say I am.”
    Finn purses his lips. It’s rare for anyone to see a Shelby look awkward, but the way Finn shifts from one foot to the other screams of nothing more than pure, unfiltered ohfuckohfuckohfuck. He runs his hands through his hair, glancing at the damage done to both the roof, the guns and the ground, and it is very clear that he’s already dreading the process of telling his family what has happened.
     You know you should do something - anything at all, something to help him out of this dilemma. At the end of the day, you played a part in this mess. You had the gun, had startled Finn enough for him to dive towards you in his fragile attempts to get it off you.
    But why was he so worried in the first place?
    You hollow out your cheeks, stuffing your hands in your pockets when you say, “I’ll tell Tommy.”
   Finn stiffens. “No you won’t.”
    “This is my mess to deal with. We wouldn’t even be in here if it wasn’t for me fucking up the order-”
    “Tommy will fucking kill you if he thinks you’ve been screwing with his collection.” Finn starts towards the door. “I’ll tell him. You take whatever crate you want and get the fuck out of-”
    You spring forward before he can reach the door, grabbing his wrist and twirling him around. His eyes widen slightly, mouth parting as he attempts to get a single protestation in, but you’re quicker. You shove him behind you and dart out the door, hearing nothing but a strangled, “Y/N!” emerge from behind you.
     You know where Tommy is; he’s where Tommy always is, hiding away in his office. Despite having not had any communication with the Shelby boy for quite some time, you’ve kept an eye on him and his whereabouts, purely for your own safety. This is why you’re able to make the journey from the docks to his front door in a very short amount of time.
     But Finn is also just as quick as you.
    He grabs your wrist just seconds before you make to knock upon the massive mahogany door, red paint chipped and crumbling beneath your knuckles. He tugs your arm back, and you stumble directly into his chest.
     “You have a fucking death wish,” Finn growls in your ear.
    You lean your head against his shoulder, whisper in his ear, “So will you if you don’t let go of me in the next three seconds.”
    His fingers loosen just enough for you to pull forward and knock the door. Your heart is thundering; you’re doing this for Finn, and you don’t know why, because he’s never done anything for you, but the thought of him walking into his brothers office and taking the blame for something you played a part in will not let you rest.
     The door opens in mere seconds, Francis standing on the other side of it. She raises a brow when she sees you, a sure sign that she’s heard of you before - maybe you’re infamous in the Shelby household, a common name spoken around a candlelit dinner in which Polly Gray has a grand old time talking about how much of a bitch you are.
    Nonetheless, you’re not here to find out.
    “Morning,” you say, giving the maid a nod. “Can I speak to Thomas please?”
   “Y/N, please,” Finn utters as Francis moves out of the way and grants the two of you access to the oversized building - only three people live inside it, but it could honestly be a hotel with how big it is.
    You start up the winding staircase, Finn trailing close behind. You don’t answer his muttered plea, too invested in the artwork lining the walls as you climb to the top level - pictures of Grace, drawn in granite yet somehow managing to capture the way her blonde hair used to curl, used to glint and shine with the unnatural light of the Garrison. Pictures of Tommy, sitting with a young boy in his lap and a scowl on his face that somehow manages to look a little more chipper than the scowl he’s usually wearing; perhaps that is him posing, getting ready for a pleasant family picture with his growing son and dead wife.
     “She was pretty, wasn’t she?” 
   The question is out before you can think better of it. You have halted in the middle of the staircase, transfixed on a picture of Grace stood on her own, small smile on her face, hands folded along the top of an empty chair big enough to be a throne.
    Finn steps up beside you. “That’s why Tommy liked her so much.”
    You risk a glance in his direction. Hands stuffed in his pockets, lip between his teeth, he’s the picture of uncaring. “Did you talk to her much?”
    “No.” He looks at you and shrugs. “You know how Tommy is - he doesn’t share stuff like that.”
  “He doesn’t share women?”
   “He doesn’t share feelings.” Finn gestures to the portrait. “Grace was his whole life for a while. I don’t think he was ready to incorporate us into his whole life.”
    You look away, cheeks blazing for a reason you are unsure of - hearing Finn talk like that, perhaps. So open and honest, like he’s talking to someone he can trust. It makes you feel a little guilty, considering you know for a fact Polly will never allow something like. . . that to form between you. She’s already decided she doesn’t like you - there’s no way in hell she’ll have you as part of the family.
    Dispelling these thoughts - and the disappointment that comes with them - you slowly start back up the stairs. Once you reach the mahogany doors of Tommy’s office, you risk Finn another glance before knocking, knowing there is no going back after this. 
     “Come in.”
   Finn grabs your arm. “Let me go first.”
  “You really think I’m some kind of wimp, don’t you?”
   Finn scowls. “Just let me go first and test the air, for fuck sake.”
    You bow out of the way, gesturing grandly to the door. “Go ahead then, O’Great Little Bastard.”
  Finn kicks you in the ankle before pushing open the door. His broad shoulders cover you, confirmed when Tommy says, “Ah, Finn,” with no mention of you standing behind him. 
   Finn waltzes into the room, and then Tommy’s eyes land on you.
    They’re like ice - you’ve always said that. Piercing and dangerous, holding years worth of stories that look so interesting but too dangerous to hear. He sits with his shoulders drawn back, one hand placed on his forehead and his mouth slightly parted, having clearly not been expecting guests this evening.
    Finn shifts, glancing slightly to the side, making sure you’re still there, that Tommy’s gaze hasn’t somehow managed to obliterate you in the past two seconds. You step forward, drawing your own shoulders back when you say, “Mr Shelby.”
     Tommy doesn’t respond. He slips his gaze to his youngest brother and tilts his head. “What the fuck have you got yourself involved in now, Finn?”
     “Tommy-”
    You take another step forward, grabbing Finn’s arm to silence him. “I shot a hole in the roof of one of your storage units.”
    There it is. That’s all you needed to say, and yet the words taste like acid when they make an appearance. Thomas - forever the professional at hiding his true emotions - keeps his head tilted, but his eyes are on you now, and that makes it all ten times worse. You held yourself well in front of Polly, but Tommy is a completely different ball-game. He really isn’t all talk. He isn’t one to make a decision and then go back on it - if he’s thinking of your death right now, you will be dying.
     Finn lowers his head. “Right, it wasn’t exactly all Y/N’s fault.”
    “I’m still waiting for an explanation,” Tommy says calmly.
    You look at Finn, and he looks back. There’s a tiny, silent conversation being held that lasts only the space of two seconds before Finn is stepping forward, and you’re yanking his arm trying to get him back, and suddenly the two of you are brawling in the middle of Thomas Shelby’s office.
     You’re both trying to explain everything, but the words are mashed and nonsensical because Finn has his elbow in your side and you have one ankle wrapped around his leg. His arm is wrapped around your waist, tightening as he tries to shove you off him.
     Tommy slams a stamp against the desk. “Enough!”
    You and Finn freeze, your hand bundled in his shirt, his hand wrapped around your middle. 
    Tommy scowls. “Fuck me, it’s like talking to children.”
    You separate quickly, brushing your hands down your clothes. “He was gonna take the blame, ‘cause he’s an idiot.”
    “I grabbed your hand!” Finn exclaims. “You wouldn’t have shot the fucking thing if I hadn’t-”
    “We wouldn’t have been there in the first place if it weren’t for me!”
    Finn rolls his eyes. “Oh, give it a rest, Y/N.”
    “Am I wrong?”
     “We’re not here to talk about why we were there-”
   “Why were you there?”
     You close your eyes. You’re a professional, though, and you’ve dealt with issues like this too many times to count. Finn exhales shakily, but you don’t let him take the reigns. You step forward and say, “One of the deliveries for Polly’s order went missing on its way over, so we’re missing an entire crate.”
    Tommy pauses. “So you were going into my storage units to - what? Steal?”
    “I took them in,” Finn interjects. “Tommy, you know what Polly will do if she finds out her order isn’t exactly what she signed for. She would have killed Y/N and their entire crew in two seconds flat.”
    Tommy runs a hand along his face. “And she’s got every bloody right to do that, Finn. You’ve no reason to interject in her business.” Tommy looks up, gestures to you. “Why do you give a shit what happens to them anyway?”
    “Have a fucking guess.”
    Your breath leaves you in one clean swoop, eyes snapping to take in Finn’s profile; he doesn’t even look tense, simply standing there with his arms swinging and his head tilted. You don’t even know how to properly decipher what he’s just said, but you don’t get a chance to before Tommy is sighing and saying, “Fuck sake, Finn.”
    “What?” Finn shoots back. “It was bound to happen eventually.”
  “Not with one of our rivals, it wasn’t!”
    “Sorry, Tom, but last time I checked, Grace wasn’t just an innocent little barmaid.”
    Tommy stands, knocking the desk with his knees. His hands are balled, jaw clenched, and it’s reflex when you step forward and grab Finn’s arm, tugging him back just that little bit. You want to drag him from the room completely, get him out of harms way, pull him into an empty room and question him on what the fuck is going on right now.
     “You’ve got some mouth on you, Finn. I just wanna know where you got it from,” Tommy growls.
    And Finn leans forward, not unlike a shark wading through dark water. “Where we all got it from - the Peaky Blinders.”
     You expect Tommy to snap - with anyone else, he would have snapped a long time ago. The conversation would have long since been over, but now, the older Shelby glares, and you watch as his eyes soften. It’s so unusual, so unlike the Thomas you know; you take it as a warning, tightening your grip on Finn’s arm.
      Tommy’s eyes snap to your own. “I’ll talk to Polly about the missing delivery.”
    Your eyes widen. “You will?”
      “Stay out of her way for a little bit,” he says. “She’ll need time to cool down, but I won’t let her hurt you. Finn won’t let her hurt you.”
    “I’m not scared of Polly,” you reply, because you aren’t, and it feels important to let him know that. 
   Thomas opens his mouth to respond, to maybe call you stupid for not fearing the woman, but Finn turns before he can get the words out, and suddenly it’s as if Tommy isn’t even in the room. Finn’s eyes meet your own, soft and glazed and exhausted from years of mental torment, but for the first time since you met the man, you can see a tiny hint of humanity within them, a tiny hint of human emotion that he certainly never expressed before.
     It’s such a good look on him.
    A small smile graces his features. He tilts his head to the side, placing a gentle hand over the top of your own, still clutching the sleeve of his blazer. “I’ll walk you back to the docks.”
    You would usually say no, but you can’t right now - you have so many questions, so many missing links that you need joined together for this meeting to make sense. In and out in a heartbeat, even though you’d walked in under the assumption that Tommy was going to happily order your death.
     So you and Finn walk out of Tommy’s house, Finn saying a quick goodbye to Charlie before the two of you are once again exposed to the dusty, polluted air of Small Heath. Finn tucks his hands in his pockets, and you dip your chin further into your scarf, neither of you saying a word because neither of you know what to say.
    Which is weird considering your brain is a tangled mess of questions right now.
     It’s Finn who breaks the silence. “That wasn’t how I wanted to tell you.”
    “Tell me what?”
  Finn bites his lip, suppressing a smile. “Don’t act stupid.”
     You shrug like his words from before meant nothing, like they hadn’t made your heart erupt. “I thought it was pretty well done, to be honest.”
    “Yeah?”
    “A little unclear, I won’t lie, but I think I got the jidst of it.”
     “Good.”
    “Yeah.”
    The thing about you and Finn is, both of you are new to this. There is no experience to back up these kinds of feelings, which leaves behind only a vague sense of uncertainty. It’s reaching in the dark. It’s asking for help when neither of you want to give up your pride. It’s wanting to try because this is something new, and the rush from a new experience is what you thrive off.
      These are feelings that trigger both your fight and your flight response, and you’re not sure whether you want to flee or stay and see how things turn out.
     ---
      The desk, cluttered.
    Your head, sore.
     Your fingers, littered with paper cuts.
     You slump in your office chair, a single candle lit on the corner of your desk, the only source of light in the room currently with drawn curtains and no lanterns on; you can’t bring yourself to go around turning them on, preferring the dim light for concentration.
     The papers in front of you make absolutely no sense, but you can’t just ignore them. It’s your job to make sure everything is in order, whether you understand the details or not.
      “Fuck sake,” you whisper to yourself.
     The door flings open then, as if your curse summoned someone.
    You don’t even have to look up to know who that someone is - Finn Shelby is the only person in the world who would just barge into your office without knocking. He’s the only person in the world who can get away with it.
    “Fucking hell, Y/N. You’ll damage your eyes sat in here.”
    You don’t look up. “Don’t turn a light on.”
    “Oh right. You’re busy.”
    You wave a dismissive hand in his direction, using your other hand to shuffle through the pages scattering your desk. So many words, so little time to figure them out. The client will be here tomorrow. They’ll expect everything to be in order, because you promised them everything would be in order, but now you’re sat behind your desk and you don’t even know where to begin-
    Fingertips, light as butterfly wings, tickle along your jaw line. 
    Your eyes snap up, breath leaving you in a single swoop when you see Finn sat on the edge of your desk, a fond smile on his face as he traces his fingers along the curve of your jaw, down your neck until he pauses at the collar of your fluffy dressing gown.
     “Stressed?”
    You swat his hand away. “None of this shit makes sense. It’s driving me insane.”
  Finn sighs, swinging his legs over the desk and pushing himself over to your side. He lands beside you and kneels down, taking a look at the pages you were previously dawdling over. 
    You glance at him. “Why are you bothering?”
    Finn picks up a page, squinting. “Just because I can’t read, doesn’t mean I can’t be useful.”
   You snatch the page back. “Yes it does.”
    “Take a break.”
    You scoff, the idea ludicrous.
   Finn raises a brow, tilting his head to intercept your line of sight. “I mean it. If that client tomorrow has a problem, he can come to me about it.”
    “This is my business, Finn. I have responsibilities that need to be sorted.”
    “You also have a lad who also needs to be sorted.”
    You narrow your eyes, glancing at him. “What a pervy thing to say.”
    “It’s my way of telling you I miss you without sounding like a knob.”
    You snort. “It didn’t work.”
   Finn grabs your hand, twirling you around to face him. He stands to his full height, forcing you to tilt your head back to look at him from your place in the desk chair. He smiles, swiping his thumb along your lower lip.
     “How about I get Isaiah to have a look through these pages for you tomorrow morning, hm?” he asks.
    “Finn…”
    “You’re exhausted, Y/N. I’m doing you a favour. Now stop being a twat and let’s get-”
     “I feel like you just want me to go home with you.” You look up at him, raising a brow. “Even though Arthur said…”
    Finn rolls his eyes, grabbing your hands and tugging. “Fuck what Arthur said. Just come home.”
     Home. His place. His room. His bed. His warmth. All of it is home now, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.
     You sigh and stand up, giving into his complaints. His smile gets wider when you rise from the chair and wrap your arms around his shoulders, revealing just how right he was - you are exhausted.
    He hugs you back, swaying a little bit before he presses a kiss to your lips; just a small one, because kissing when he means it is still something a little unknown to Finn Shelby; he used to kiss the girls his brothers hired for him, but he’s openly admitted to you that he never felt like he should, he never felt like them kisses mattered. Now, he kisses you with precision, making sure to draw back every now and then to make sure it’s okay, he’s okay, he’s doing a good job.
    You grin, tapping your tongue against his lower lip in that way that drives him insane. “I liked it when you said you were my lad.”
    Finn scowls, crinkling his nose up. Freckles scatter his face, constellations against a pale sky. “Don’t think too deep into it.”
    “I’m going to.”
  Finn picks you up bridal style. You don’t even squeal, simply rest your head against his shoulder, humming into his neck. “Let’s get you to bed, love. You’ve gone delirious.”
    “Isaiah better not lose me a fucking client tomorrow.”
    Finn chuckles. “We’ll find out in the morning.” 
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jjtheangel · 4 years
Text
Unconditional love with a side of uncontrollable anger
JJ Maybank x y/n
A/N: Hey guys, so this is literally the first fictional thing I’ve ever written for any fandom I’ve ever been in. Of course I’ve written things in school, growing up, but never anything I actually wanted to write. I’m definitely not an English major. This was a hard thing to release to the public. Pretty please don’t judge me too harshly. I tried my best. Also, I wrote it on my phone on google docs and then when I posted it here on mobile, it seemed like it was all weirdly spaced and not indented correctly so sorry if it looks messed up 🤷🏻‍♀️
warnings: angst, fluff, bad language, barely edited
I am confused about mostly everything in my life. I have no idea what my future will be like, if I even have one. One thing I know for sure is, my four best friends will be by my side always. I say four best friends but one of them might be more than a best friend. John B and Pope are like the brothers I always wanted and Kie is the absolute best friend a girl could possibly ask for. I’m so beyond thankful for them. JJ is a whole other story. It’s just completely different when I look at him. It’s not even close to a brother vibe. When I look at him, all I can think about is how beautiful and perfect he is. To all the other pogues and kooks living on this island, he’s just another low-life like the rest of us. To me, he’s a gift from the universe, a total angel that deserves everything he could ever want and need. I’m not exactly sure what I did in my past life to deserve to be in his presence basically every day of my life but I’m so freaking thankful for him.
I mean of course I’ve been in a few relationships and I’ve maybe experienced what people call “love”. Real love to me though, is what I feel when I look at him and what I feel when I get distracted from a conversation with my friends because I’m too busy thinking about him and wondering what he’s thinking about. I have to admit I’m a little disappointed in myself remembering that every time I’ve been intimate with other guys, all I’ve thought about is JJ and how much more better it would be to be experiencing those things with him instead of any other guy in the world. To him I’m just another one of his best friends. Of course he hits on me and says sexual shit to me all the time just like he does with Kie but that’s just the type of guy he is. If only he wasn’t joking around when he winks at me and tells me how sexy I look in a new dress that he doesn’t know I bought just to look good for him.
I’ve shared pretty much everything with that boy, all my darkest secrets, and in return he does the same. One of those secrets includes how much of a terrible person his father is. He’s a total piece of shit and I’m pretty sure there’s no one in the entire world that I hate more than his dad. Just thinking about his dad hurting him physically and verbally makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry for days.
I didn’t know it when I woke up this morning but apparently today was going to be one of those days. I somehow forgot to put my phone on silent when I passed out last night and woke up to my phone ringing loud as hell. John B was calling and it was still pretty early so that had me instantly worried. “Hey y/n, sorry it’s super early but I have some bad news. It’s not surprising but that piece of shit messed up our boy pretty bad again. I know for a fact he wants you here and your company would make him feel a lot better and definitely cheer him up. Get here as soon as you can.” John B said to me with a sad tone of voice. “Ok I’m on my way, thanks for calling dude.” I replied with a few tears rolling down my cheeks. That was the absolute worst news to wake up to but I didn’t really have time to process my feelings, I needed to get to him fast.
I walked in John B's house, the place that always made me feel at home and always made me instantly happy. Today wasn’t one of those days that I smiled while walking through the front door. John B and JJ had their backs to me and I smiled a little seeing John B holding JJ’s hand, trying to give him any bit of comfort he could. I then saw Pope and Kiara sitting on the couch with their arms crossed and a miserable look on their faces. Kie looked up at me with a sad face. While she wasn’t really aware of how totally in love I was with our beautiful blonde-haired friend, she definitely knew I had feelings for him. I was just so thankful that they got here even faster than I did to help comfort the boy we all loved so much. I slowly walked over to where JJ was sitting, not yet ready to see how sad and disappointed he was. I gently touched his shoulder and said “Hi angel, I’m here, here for you. I’m sorry it took me so long to get here. You know how shitty my Jeep is. How are you feeling?” “Definitely better now that you’re here y/n.” he said while pulling me into a hug. He winced a little when he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. I didn’t want to hurt him any more than he already was but I was glad to help him in any way that I could.
Pope looked over at us and realized that he was bleeding through his shirt and said “Hey J, how about we clean you up some and get you some new clothes.” JJ sighed but nodded his head anyways. He wasn’t the best at accepting help because he always wanted to look strong in front of us and be the one that was always here for us. I knew for a fact that he was the strongest person I know and he didn’t have to ever worry about looking weak in front of us. We all loved him no matter what. JJ reached down and pulled his shirt over his head and I gasped. He had bruises and cuts all over his abs and chest. It was worse than it’s ever been before. I felt a white hot rush of anger run through me. I couldn’t take it anymore, having the love of my life go through this pain. I abruptly stood up and everyone looked at me worried about what I was feeling. “You know what? Fuck this! I cannot stand to see our boy go through any more pain! I’m gonna go talk to that piece of shit right now and give him a piece of my mind!”
I rushed out to my car with everyone hot on my heels. They were worried about what I was going to do and what would happen after I confronted JJ’s dad. They knew I was the kind of person who was always sweet and kind to everyone, the kind of person you should watch out for. When I get angry, I don’t hold back at all, especially when someone hurts the people I love. I slammed the door to my Jeep and started it quickly. Everyone was yelling in protest but they knew I was going through too many emotions to listen to what they were saying. They jumped in John B’s van and followed after me. We all arrived at JJ’s house and I rushed to the front door. I faintly heard through my anger John B tell Kie and Pope to wait in the van and that him and JJ could handle me. I burst through the front door and started frantically searching for Luke Maybank with the boys right behind me. I found him on the couch with empty beer bottles all around him and a full one in his hand. “Hey fuckface”, I yelled “ I’m gonna tell you this only one time and you’re going to listen to me god dammit!”
“And who might you be sweetheart?” his disgusting voice slurred. John B and JJ cut in right after. “Y/n I don’t think this is the best idea, don’t make it any worse-“John B said to me, extremely worried. “I promise everything is going to be okay baby girl. I will be okay.” JJ interrupted him.
“No no, let her speak boy. She seems like she can handle herself.” Luke said to all of us.
“I will not tolerate you putting your hands on him anymore! You’re going to keep your hands off of him and keep your mouth shut around him! He does not deserve your bullshit! The things you say to him are not true and the things you put him through, no one deserves!especially not him.” I yelled
“Oh, I see..you’ve got yourself a little crush on my worthless son. Well sweetness, you’ll get over that eventually, he can’t give you anything you need. He’s just a sack of shit.” his father responded to me.
“Actually, you’re a horrible human being and he deserves a father who sees how perfect he is and appreciates him for everything he is! And actually stupid, I’m in love with him, not a stupid crush. He’s the most amazing, most perfect human being that has ever been on this planet and you don’t deserve to even be around him! He’s an extremely loyal best friend and would do absolutely anything for the people he cares about! If I find out one more time that you put him in any pain, physical or emotional, I will come here and make you regret it, I can promise you that!” I was out of breath with tears rolling down my face but I still managed to tell him what I needed to.
“Hey y/n, let's just get out of here. You got your point across, I promise.” John B begged me, ready to get us all out of this situation. JJ just stared at me in awe.
“Yeah I think that would be a good idea for y’all to get the hell out of my house! I’ll think about what you said sweet cheeks.” Luke's shitty voice said to us, with a mean smile on his face.
John B grabbed my arm gently and pulled me towards the door. JJ just quickly followed behind us, still speechless. We all got back in the van and John B took a deep breath and started driving away. Kie and Pope carefully looked at us in the back of the van, waiting for an explanation of what happened. I wasn’t ready to give any kind of explanation. I realized that I had accidentally said my feelings for JJ out loud. I gave her one look and she knew I needed her and reached out to hug me. Before I could get to her, JJ touched my shoulder and looked at me intently. I looked back at his sad eyes and put my hands on his cheeks gently. He then put his hands over top of mine. “Did I just hear you correctly, you said that you are in love with me or am I just dreaming?” He quietly said to me. “You’re not dreaming angel, I meant what I said and I’m sorry I blew up on your dad. I really really hope that he doesn’t punish you for it. No matter what happens, I will always be here for you.” I replied to him.
“You’re in love with me?? How is this possible? You’re freaking perfect and I’m me..” JJ said in surprise.
“You’re the perfect one J and you’re everything I’ve ever wanted, I couldn’t possibly love anyone more than I love you. I know-“ He suddenly interrupted me by putting his lips on mine. Now I thought I was the one dreaming. Was this finally happening? He actually wanted me back? How? He started off kissing me gently then more passionately as the seconds went by. We were both desperate to be closer to one another.
“So..now that we all finally know you guys both are madly in love with each other, can y’all stop doing that in front of the rest of us right now? Please and thanks.” Pope said while laughing.
The two of us broke apart and looked at our best friends in the van, smiling and laughing with us. “So, just so I’m clear, I’m yours and you’re mine babygirl?” JJ said sweetly.
“Yes, I will always be yours angel.” I replied
“Finallyyyy!” Kie and John B said at the exact same time. “Jinks!” they said again while laughing hysterically.
I was just so thankful that my friends wanted us to be together as much we wanted each other. Plus, they all still loved me even when I let my anger get the best of me. No one will ever stop me from defending the four people I love most in this world, especially my darling JJ.
@spilledtee @uwubonebabie @jjouterbanks
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purplesurveys · 3 years
Text
1175
What’s the last vegetable you ate, and when did you eat it?  My dinner had broccoli and bell peppers in it.
What was your last Facebook notification for?  It was Aliyah replying to our comment thread on one of my posts. There wasn’t anything in her comment that was worth replying to anymore, so I just reverted with a Haha react.
What bands have you seen live? Paramore, Coldplay (not super legally), and One Direction.
Tell me an interesting fact about your mother:  She almost became a flight attendant, but she failed the final screening because of her height. I think the idea of her nearly having a completely different career is very interesting.
What do you think is the most important thing to happen to you before the age of 13?  In my case, probably getting my period. I got my first one when I was barely 10.
What were you super against as a young child but aren’t anymore?  Chicken curry. I also hateeeeeeeed Dora the Explorer with a passion, but now I find the show hilarious haha.
What are your plans later today? My work sched this week had been so fucking PACKED, that I want to do nothing but catch up on sleep all weekend. But seeing as I’m a proponent of revenge bedtime procrastination, I also highly doubt I’d let myself fall into a nap (Exhibit A: Me currently taking this survey at 2 AM...) If anything, I’ll probably just continue watching BTS In The Soop and finally start on Season 2 of Bon Voyage.
Are you doing anything exciting this weekend?  Well, it’s the weekend already, so...that ^ I will also have to take Cooper to the vet this Sunday.
Who do you talk to the most? Other than my team at work, Angela. I’ve been extra talkative these days because of our now-mutual excessive love for BTS, that I sometimes feel bad that I keep bombarding her with messages.
What are some things you do regularly that make you feel old?  Talk to my friends who are still in college, especially when they update me about the current happenings in UP that I have absolutely no clue about anymore.
Who is your best guy friend(s)?  I don’t have any best guy friends.
Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?  Neither; I’m fine with my tannish skin tone.
If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it?  Keep it; I already do.
Have you had an x-ray in the past year? Nah. My last one had been nearly 5 years ago, when I needed to get my back checked for scoliosis.
Do you think your first love still loves you?  No. And that’s okay. :)
What is something that is “going right” in your life?  EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGGG I am so so happy with my life right now weeeee. I have the job of my dreams – I’m even working with THE ACTUAL K-POP GROUP SLASH PHENOMENON SLASH ICONS BTS for one of the clients I handle FHKDHGKHGFDKGHDKGH, I have the best and most supportive friends in the world, and I am now starting to grow my collection of BTS merch with my hard-earned money. Everything is going abso-fucking-lutely perfectly, and to think I didn’t think I would make it past 2020.
When did you feel ready to start dating?  Middle of high school.
When was the last time your pet bit you? If you don’t have a pet, have you ever been bitten by someone else’s?  I was play fighting with Cooper earlier tonight, and he got a little bit excited and ended up biting my upper lip quite harder than usual. It stung for a while, but it’s okay now.
Where were you the last time you made out?  I think it was my bedroom.
When was the last time you cried tears of joy? Yesterday.
How do you type your sad smileys?  Just this :(
Do you have “decorative hand-towels” that cannot be used in your house?  Nope.
What was the last soda you drank?  Probably the Coke I drank at an org event last year, pre-pandemic, out of sheer thirst. There wasn’t any water being served so I just gulped down the soda and tried to ignore the annoying fizziness. I don’t drink soda.
What was the last thing someone made fun of you for?  I was having a video call session with my workmates this afternoon as a way to end the week on a good note, and I recounted my experience of being locked out of the office while I was in the middle of a presentation for a client, and how I managed to get myself back in.
Have you ever had any type of surgery?  Nope.
Should kids be allowed to get tattoos/piercings without parental consent?  No.
Who was the last person to hit on you?  No one has in a while.
What was the last thing you decided not to do, that you were supposed to?  A deliverable a client asked me to do. It can wait til Monday.
What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone?  Maybe straight up admitting to my mom that she can be hurtful sometimes. It’s hard because she never actually processes things like that and they do nothing but vanish into thin air, even though it takes everything in me to be that honest.
What do you put on hot dogs?  Mayonnaise.
Ever fallen in the shower?  Like once, when I was 10 or 11.
What’s the worst thing you’ve ever called someone you care about?  Continued from last night. It was probably ‘bitch.’ Based on what I’ve learned from my mom, I put extra effort in particuarly watching what comes out of my mouth, because I know how words stick.
Do you think that things will get better?  I did, and now it has.
Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life?  I think I may have. The story is a little triggering though, so I wouldn’t share it.
What’s your favourite book genre?  Doesn’t really count as a genre but I like auto/biographies.
Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre?  I’ve felt like it, but I’ve never done it.
Do dogs like you?  Yes, at least for 99.5% of my experiences.
Would you say that you project an air of authority?  In certain circles. But there are some groups where I trust others to lead rather than me.
Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool?  Nah, because I’ve never seen one. But even if I did, I think I would be too scared to do it hahaha.
Do you use one towel when you shower or two? (one for hair, one for body)  One. I use it to wash my entire body already.
Have you ever been to one of the great lakes?  No.
Who do you know that had a baby recently?  The son of one of my old college instructors. I believe she had been born in March because that prof recently posted family photos on Facebook that celebrated the baby’s first monthsary.
Do you like Usher’s songs?  Not in particular.
When was the last time you went to a waterpark?  Not a big fan of these as I find them unhygienic haha. The last time must have been...like anywhere between 12-15 years ago.
Have you ever ridden a train? Just once, and I had to go with Jum because I didn’t want to go alone.
What do you eat your French fries with?  Mayonnaise. If there isn’t any available, I’d want the fries to at least be generously sprinkled with salt; otherwise I’d find it too bland.
Do you have family problems?  Nothing blatant, but I know we are more dysfunctional than how we make it out to be.
What’s the last food you ate that was stale?  Pizza. I got two extra large boxes for my birthday last Wednesday and until now we still have some of it around :((( I ate some slices at around 3 AM earlier and they were tough as fuck to chew, hahaha. Still good, though.
How do you like your grilled cheese?  I don’t have grilled cheese sandwiches often. Surprise me.
What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked?  I don’t cook.
What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid?  I liked watching my cousin play video games; playing outside; and answering my friends’ autograph books (aka my pre-survey days, lol).
Have you ever been close to drowning? Yup but just once. I was swimming and was just about to come up for air when one of my cousins, coming from the bottom of the pool, suddenly started to playfully pull me down. I was nearly out of breath by then and he had a much stronger grip on me, so I struggled for a while and ended up panicking and thrashing around a bit before I was able to wriggle myself free.
Have you ever had a panic attack?  It’s rare that it happens, but when it does it’s really bad and there’s no telling when it would subside.
Do you like doing housework?  Some, and only if I’m in the mood to. If I feel like I have to do it, then I get lazy.
Would you ever get implants?  I considered it before as a teen, back when small-chested girls were still bullied or made fun of on an everyday basis. How fucked up is that? I’m so relieved at how much social media has progressed.
Do you own a robe?  No.
Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? I have a younger sister but she’s barely a baby; she’s literally turning 21 this year. Nina.
Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off?  I like crust as long as it’s normal crust or stuffed crust. I can’t stand thin crust.
What was the last song you listened to?  Euphoria - credited to BTS, but it’s a Jungkook solo.
Have any of your family members been to jail?  Not blood relatives, but I know of super extended unrelated family members who’ve been to prison. Is there anyone that you feel you still need some closure with?  I don’t think so. Sometimes no closure is closure.
Can you remember when you first learned how to read?  I can’t, actually. All I remember is that I suddenly wanted to read everything by the time I was 5 and asked for nothing but storybooks every Christmas.
What event in your life has transformed your personality the most?  College. Gabie also had a very big influence on me during our relationship.
Have you ever had any teeth pulled?  Yes, but it was because it was already decayed.
Do you still want to be what you wanted to be in elementary school?  No, but I do elements of it in my work so that works out well for me. I wanted to be an author when I was in grade school, and today I regularly write various materials in my job.
What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into?  I just wanna get reconnected with The Crown again. I was already into it but I had to stop watching for a LONG time, because the show had some personal connections to my ex and so it seemed hard to get into the new season without breaking down lol. Now that I’m doing fine, I feel like it’s a good time to revisit the show.
How would you feel if you were drafted for the military?  Won’t happen here, but it’s the kind of situation where I wouldn’t really have a choice and would have to follow.
What is your favorite Queen song?  I don’t have any.
Do you know how to use any foreign currency? What do you mean, use...? Don’t you just use money to pay?? Hahaha or if you mean convert, then yeah I know how to do that with several currencies – US dollar, Korean won, Euro, Japanese yen, and whatever official name the pound has.
Been kissed by someone who you knew was “bad” for you?  Nope.
Ever taken an at-home pregnancy test?  I have not.
When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do?  I usually don’t have plans laid out on weekends these days anymore, so lately it’s all been a matter of winging it and just wanting to make sure that by the end of the day I get to say I made the most out of my free time.
What did you do on your favorite date with a guy/girl?  The time we did museum hopping + Italian dinner, or the one where we had French dinner + jazz bar.
What’s a movie you have seen in the theater more than once?  I never do rewatches for movies still in cinemas.
What is the reason you’re still alive?  I was stubborn and wanted to see if life would get better; I didn’t want to leave my dogs behind; I didn’t want to miss out on how potentially great and exciting my life could end up being; I didn’t want to cause and leave an even bigger emotional rift on my family.
I’m so happy I stayed.
Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom?  Yeah. Not the best decision, and I wouldn’t do it again lol.
Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed?  Sometimes, so that it doesn’t look like a bird’s nest when I wake up the next day.
Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.)  I don’t think so. I have definitely imagined it in...other ways, though.
Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it?  Both in the superficial and loaded senses, yeah. 
How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about?  I felt kind of like shit, just because I slept for only 1.5 hours – my body automatically wakes me up by a certain time, no matter what time I fell asleep. And also because my back and shoulder muscles were killing me with how sore they felt.
Do you still tell your parents that you love them?  I show it, but I don’t say it. I’m pretty stingy when it comes to that phrase.
Have you ever said “I love you” to someone you weren’t going out with?  Yes? It shouldn’t be limited to people you’re dating? I express it to Anj and Andi all the time.
Have you ever been threatened before?  Sure.
Would you date someone with a physical disability?  Yes.
Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you?  Purely guessing, it’s likely. I’m not updated about her life anymore, though; life has been going on as if she never existed.
The last time you dyed your hair, what color did you dye it?  I’ve never had it dyed.
Think of the last time you went out to eat. Who paid?  I went out by myself, so I paid.
Do you save at least 15 percent of your income?  Yeah. I had a very good saving streak in which I was able to save anywhere around 50-60% every month...and thennnn I became a fan of BTS early this month LOOOOOL so now I’m back to like square three when it comes to my savings haha. Like I still know my limits and when to fucking stop taking out money from my bank account, but I’ve been spending dramatically more than I have been in the last few months.
Do you ever go on Reddit? If so, what are some of your favorite subreddits?  I used to go much more regularly, to the point where it was a part of my daily routine. Now I go at least once a month. I usually check out the Ask Reddit (for anecdotes), Today I Learned (for trivia), and GMM subreddits. Sometimes I’ll get on the Squared Circle subreddit as well to be updated on wrestling.
Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little?  Many times as a flower girl, yeah.
Are your parents in good health?  Fortunately, yes.
Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative?  Nope.
Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason?  Not that I know of.
Do you have a favorite pair of pajamas? What do they look like?  I don’t have pajama sets since I find them too warm.
Do you have any interesting pillow cases?  Eh, I don’t think so.
If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be?  Shoulder muscles or my lower back.
Are you more afraid of spiders or bees?  Bees.
Have you ever worn fake nails? If so, what did the last pair you wore look like?  No.
Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you?  Native American.
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alternitavely · 4 years
Text
Werewolf idea? Chap 1
Shout-out to @kitkat-the-snacc for helping me out so much with this, they're amazing, so check them out!!
_______________
Of course it had to be the one thing he knew so little of how to control that malfunctions.
Edward Richtofen, alongside Nikolai Belinski, Takeo Masaki, and 'Tank' Dempsey had all wound up in somewhere deep in a dark forest, cold and fogged over.
The men look around confused, but none moreso than Richtofen himself who had intended that they arrive elsewhere, nowhere near a forest of this kind. He turns to face the other men, perturbed and a bit nervous.
"Gentlemen! It seems as though we have been transported to an area in which I had not intended, and I am afraid I do not know why."
Nikolai snapped his attention to the German.
"What do you mean, "don't know why"? Is it not you who holds the knowledge of Universe in your Kronorium?" He asked angrily, "Can you not just open another portal?"
"Yeah," Dempsey agreed, "what's the hold up Doc'?"
Edward huffs, irritably. "It is much more complicated than just opening and closing a door. These portals are openings through time and space. Hardly something to fiddle with when it doesn't work properly."
Takeo stepped forward as he surveyed the wooded area. "I fear if we stay to argue here, the light will leave us for the darkness soon." He said, watching the sun lower all to quickly." We need to find shelter from the dangers of the Forest."
Nikolai nodded." Yes, I agree with Takeo. Let us discuss later your incompetence, Richtofen."
The Doctor narrowed his eyes, but did not retaliate. They walked for a time, and eventually found an empty cave.
"Convenient.." Dempsey grumbles, looking for any signs of a wild animal, and finding nothing relevant to their safety.
Edward knew he would only worsen his already dwindling impression on the others, and decided to find food for the others in the forest.
"Are you sure you will be alright on your own, Doctor?" Takeo asked him, taking note of the quicky darkening terrain.
"I assure you that I will be fine Takeo. I will return when I have found something."
Nikolai grunted. "Take your time."
Edward huffed, and made his way into the forest. He walked into the forest for what felt like hours, until he found a lone stag. It was larger than any he had ever seen, and completely oblivious to the rifle he held pointed at his heart. Richtofen fires, and kills it with his rifle, but as he walks back, dragging the large animal slowly, he hears a growl.
A deep, low, threatening sound that makes his hair stand on end, and his body shake to its core. A wolf, larger and more monstrous that he had ever seen, comes out of it's spot in the darkness, hungry for a meal. Richtofen, thinking quickly, tries to back away slowly, posing no challenge to the beast. However, this was no ordinary canine, and it's intentions we're not on eating the fallen fauna, but the scarred man faking confidence before him.
Before Richtofen could do anything to defend himself, the Monster took him to the ground, and bit viciously into his shoulder, its front fangs reaching down to puncture the barely healed wound under his ribs.
He tried to call out, but was muffled by the beastly paw pushing down on his face. He flailed his arm attempting to locate his blade, clawing at the opposing force on his face, finally grabbing it it and frantically slashing at the animals side making it cry out in pain, and flee. Richtofen took a moment to steady himself, groaning loudly as he sad up to bandage his newfound wounds. After a while he managed to stand, and grab hold of the fallen Stags antlers once more, and continued to follow the smoke showing over the trees.
_______
Takeo was the first to notice that Richtofen was very obviously injured, but his question on the matter was drowned out by the other two men's outbursts of astonishment over that large animal he had brought back.
"How did weak man like you manage to move such a large animal, Richtofen?" Nikolai jested,
"Yeah, didn't know you could see past that huge ego far enough to shoot anything smaller than a naval ship!"
Dempsey joked.
Richtofen didn't have the strength to respond. He simply dropped the the deer's head to the ground, tossed his knife to the ground near Nikolai, and stumbled into the shelter, grimmacing
He sat for a while, trying to steady his breathing. His wound hurt incredibly so, he was exhausted, but he promised to be lookout. He was so focused on breathing, on ignoring the pain and staying awake, tht he didn't notice the others calling for him as he faced the wall of the cave.
Takeo decided to confront him directly, rather than have Richtofen just push off the issue like he very often did.
He approached the Doctor, setting a gentle hand on his shoulder.
"Richtofen?" He called, quietly. "Are you alright, Doctor?"
The German slowly came to, realizing that is the man had asked him something.
He blinked, taking a slow, shaky breath.
" I am sorry, Takeo. I am afraid I didn't hear you."
The warrior looked worried, but repeated himself nonetheless.
"I asked if you were alright, Doctor. You are injured, and look unwell. Are you sure you don't with to rest tonight instead of taking watch?"
The German winced, finally processing the weight on his injured shoulder. He gently removed the other man's hand and put up a false show of wellness.
"Surely you've been worse for wear? I was just hit by the Stäg before I managed to kill it, nothing the Doctor cannot handle!" He stood, stretching, but instantly regretting it. " I appreciate your concern Takeo, but I assure you, I am perfectly fine." His speech was strained, and he was obviously in pain, but he knew he wouldn't be able to make the doctor change his mind without force, so he let him be.
Takeo returned to the others, who had cut up the stag and were now cooking sizeable chunks of it. The skin was hung on a nearby tree, and the antlers were severed and set by the mouth of the cave.
Dempsey had hung strips of the animal over the billowing fire with a rather impressive contraption made of sturdy thin logs.
"So, the fuck is wrong with him?" Dempsey grunted,
He had been peeved that the German had fucked up whatever their mission was supposed to be, but he had calmed down when he realized that there weren't any maggot bags to be seen. Yet.
He had been worried, however, when said German came back looking worse than he'd ever seen him. He looked ready to collapse at the sound of the bell.
"He is badly injured, but he insists he is fine." Takeo replied, looking worried himself. "He is still determined to take watch tonight, though I suspect he won't be able to stay alert enough to preform the task successfully. One of us should stay out with him."
Nikolai huffed. "Let him sit out alone, why should we Care tht he doesn't want to care for himself? He certainly hasn't shown his care for us. And he obviously doesn't know what he's doing, leading us to a place mistakingly, and not telling us of his supposed "plan?"" The Russian vented.
He continued on, clearly unforgiving to their German associate.
The other men looked at him, then to each other. Nikolai would obviously not be staying out with Richtofen tonight.
"I can stay with him, Tak'. You and Nik' just rest for tonight, ok?" Dempsey offered, quietly as not to let their Russian comrade hear.
"If you are sure, Dempsey. Thank you, my Friend." Takeo accepted, greatful for the chance to rest and think over what had been happening for the past few months.
Soon enough, two men went into the shelter to rest while Richtofen exited, avoiding the Russian man's gaze. He knew that he had only worsened his relationship with the larger man, and didn't wish to start an argument over the residing issue. He didn't have the strength.
Dempsey left to stay with the German after a bit, seeing him sitting on a log near the pit they had dug, holding the antlers if the Stag he killed.
"Is that what got you hurt?" The Marine questioned the Doctor, dropping onto the adjacent log.
"What?"
"The antler's, from the deer." He repeated,"Did it hit you? I'd that why you look like you were just run over by a trash compactor?"
The doctor looked back at the antlers. "Ah." He said, sounding distracted. "yes, I'm afraid I became... Distracted."
The Marine laughed. "Must have been something out of a nightmare to have distracted you from I giant deer charging at you, HaHa!"
The German chuckled, a dry and humorless sound.
"How right you are, Dempsey.." He said under his breath.
Tank had failed to hear what his teammate had said, but his did notice the lack of resort from the usually quick-to-resort German.
"You sure you don't need to lay down, Doc? God knows you could use some beauty sleep." Demsey said to him, worry evident in his voice.
The Doctor looked to him, a small smile playing on his tired face.
"Ha-Ha Dempsey, very funny."
The German laughed quietly.
"I fear sleeping anywhere near Nikolai may end in my throat being slit. I wish I could explain to you what I must put you all through this, but I cannot." He said, voice heavy with exhaust.
"Well what's stopping you?" The Marine prodded, hopping to gain a bit .ore information, but also wanting to learn more about the other man.
Richtofen faltered, and slowly rocked in his place, trying to find an explanation.
"I cannot.. explain it.. there are things you would misunderstand, and some you wouldn't understand at all. This is not me saying you arent intelligent, just uninformed."
The American took a second to think about what the Doctor told him, and decided to not press any further.
"Are you alright? You're breathing a little hard there." He tried, seeing as the other's rocking hadn't ceased.
"I am fine." The doctor said, shaky and quiet. He nearly jumped out of his skin when a large, comforting and warm had gripped gently on his upper arm.
"You're hiding something Doc, you aren't alright. What really happened when you went out earlier?"
Richtofen looked at the other, desperate for comfort, wanting to break and tell the other everything, what had happened, the strange twist in his gut when he looked at the moon.
But he resisted, shutting his eyes tight and taking a deep breath, calming himself. "I am sorry, Dempsey, but I will not push my own issues upon you when. You have your own to deal with. Thank you, for talking with me, but u think I'd like to rest now."
The Devil dog seemed disappointed in his response, but said nothing in protest.
"Why don't you sleep here? You said you don't feel safe with Nik', and I'll be finishing watch tonight, so I can make sure you're safe."
The German deemed flattered. "You wouldn't mind too terribly, would you?"
Dempsey grunted, "I'm the one offering, Doc."
Edward chuckled, and nodded. He layed down before the log, far enough from the now dying fire to be comfortable, and tried his best to ignore his worry over the shifting of muscle around his newest injury, and sleep.
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neverheardnothing · 4 years
Text
black friday spoilers under cut!!! i’m serious!!!
aaaaaa im going to lose my SHIT
really im about to spoil the entire show
dont read if you havent seen it
oh my GOD OH MY GOD. PAUL. AND EMMA. THEYRE BACK. THEYRE BAKC.
AND THE FUCKING LA DEE DAH DAH DAY MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND IS BACK
PAULKINS. GOD. THEYRE ALIVE. AND FINE. IMGOING TO LOSE MY GODDAMN MIND!!!!!!!!!
“i dont like getting by cars anymore”  this is fucking hilarious why isnt ANYONE LAUGHING
“okay okay okay OKAY” ahhhh theyre really perfect for each other
“my buddy bill” hey im going to start crying.
:( this is so upsetting im so sad for this family.
DYLAN SOLO TIME. HIS VOICE. FUCK. 
“flash, bang, jane” oh my god oh my god i am on the FLOOR. this is HEARTBREAKING.
this song reminds me of inutil from in the heights fuck. im.
“family emergency” OKAY HIS WIFE DIED. DONT BE SO HARD ON HIM.
COREY SOLO COREY SOLO OH YEAH BOI
also they lit a fire on stage
corey’s character is SUCH AN ASSHOLE I LOVE IT HE’S THE PRIME DICKASS. oh my god wait hE’S MR KRABS
MALL SECURITY. ROBERT BEING A COP AGAIN.
ethan is a Look. the plaid around his waist AND the leather jacket oh my GOD.
oh my god the backing music in this moment is from the trailer. god. i love it.
CALIFOR MIA OHM Y OGD
OH MY GOD IT SOUNDS SO GOOD WITH THE FULL ORCHESTRATION
THE CHOREO WITH HANNAH IM CRYING
OH MY GOD THE HAMONIES. ROBERT. 
SMOKE CLUB. IM CRYING.
THE INTERLUDE WITH THE LETTER OH MY GOD IT’S SO GOOD.
BROKE! AS! SHIT!
smoke club hannah.
“that better be fucking floss. let’s go i want a cigarette”
“that’s illegal...... or it should be.” LMAO
WHAT DO  YOU SAY OHYEAH BOI
IT SOUNDS SO GOOD AS AN ENSEMBLE NUMBER AND ALL THE HARMONIES ARE IN
corey really is mr. krabs he’s even in red
GIVE US UR FUCKING MONEY
GIVE US UR FUCKING CASH
WHATEVER THE HELL JAIME IS MIMING IS SENDING ME
“and im in a hurry” A MAN IN A HURRY 
whatever the hell kind of accent is jon putting on i love it
SKDLFASL;DKSS JON “RIGHT IN T HE SUBPEONA” 
“three dollars” god that’s me
OH MY GOD THIS A BACKING BIT JEFF PUT ON HIS STORY
yES I AM LIVING SO FUCKING HARD
i think this is my favorite number so far
THE BEAT DROP GOES SO FUCKING HARD
jon and jeff strangling each other
this is SUCH A GOOD NUMBER AND THE CHOREOGRAPHY
JEFF AND JAMES HAVE REALLY OUTDONE THEMSELVES
GOD I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE CAST RECORDING
this is DEFINITELY the best song musically yet
THE MOTIF FROM SHWO ME YOUR HANDS YES OH MY GOD I LOVE IT
THE RECURRING THINGS FROM TGWDLM I AM LIVING FOR IT S O MUCH
hannah is such an archetype character so far i hope she gets like. More Character soon.
the melody for califor mia returns in the backing here ugh i love it
wow i wonder if these guys have fight call for all this shit
the “eeeeee” noise jon made i just laughed so hard
WAIT FUCK THE SAD PIANO CALIFOR MIA IS IN THE BACKGROUND
WTF ETHAN DIES HERE? WHAT THE FUCK. OH SHIT. FUCK!!!! the first death.
“GIVE ME THAT FUCKING DOLL IM IN A HURRY” OH MY GOD MAN IN A HURRY STRIKES BACK
are we down a tom already too?? jesus fuck i presumed all these characters would die but this is quick.
the reverb/echo on joey’s audio is So Spooky i love it
AHHH THE NEWS THEME BEEPS
the creepy carol of the bells backing music i love it
also is that a fucking barack obama impression
james patting the doll as they all argue is such a mood
OH MY GOD
MCNAMARA
OH MY GOD!!!
AMERICA IS GREAT AGAIN THEME IS BACK
I! AM! LIVING! FOR ALL THE TGWDLM MUSIC REPRISES.
PEIP BAYBEEEEEE. 
“just me and a few of my peeps” im fucknig losing it
GOD!!!!! THIS UNDERSCORING I CANNOT HANDLE IT.
intermission
THE NOT YOUR SEED MELODY ON AN ELECTRIC GUITAR
GOD IT SLAPS!!!!!
oh my god found the bit of choreography that looks like it was from the prom
also love the james lauren and robert solo dance number
the only starkids minus denise who can dance
the ensemble numbers in this show are so fucking good
also nice that tom survived. though like. probably not for long considering how this show is going.
tom: i killed my family
becky: yeah but remember us in high school?
did becky fucking kill her husband
LOL YEAH SHE DID
jesus christ what an admission
oof dylan and kim’s voices dont blend that well together and i think one of them is slightly flat on the belt harmonies
oh my god theyre going to fuck in this movie theater during the apocalypse christ almighty
oh hELL YEAH america is great again theme is playing again
“fuck that, fuck that, FUCK THAT!” mood
his face at “birth canal” is KILLING ME
im so ready for jon wiggly to show up i HOPE TO GOD ITS A FURSUIT
jaime is SUCH a good actress like legitimately
is wiggly going to be the new satan in this fandom oh god
this is like if everyone actually worshipped the duck in firebringer
“unless i get what i shit” lmaooooo
wow ok i legit wonder if they have fight call for all these lifts and fights that happen in the show
the demented califor mia underscoring right now i am Living
“well, webby is a stupid bitch!” lol i love this, though i dont love that theyre just using vulgar words as the punchline
the underscoring of dylan’s i want song in this conversation holy shit
space tour vibes with the helmet lmaoooo
“i cant be evil im a status quo democrat!” LMAOOOOOO
oh im finally getting that the streamers on the wall are also supposed to be like wiggly’s mouth
THE ELECTRIC GUITAR IS FUCKIN POWERFUL
UGH YES NOT YOUR SEED MELODY LINE FOR A SEC
o shit nuclear war with russia
“two doors not one” OHM Y GOD OK
FUCK MAN!!!!!!!!!
HANNAH!!!!!
the melody of “aliens invading minds” reoccurring is Killing Me i love it so much
“friday is black for me” oof
oh shit so both lex and hannah have some weird fucking interdimensional power???
this entire fucking show is SO fucking wild like i honestly dont know what to make of it
“THEYRE ALL INTO FORTNITE DUDE” LMAOOOOOOOO
it’s because all the adults are sad and jaded under capitalism lol
tom’s face this entire time is hilarious
dylan’s voice is literally heavenly oh my god
“should i move these boxes first?” cinematic parallels to the should i take this chair lol
“the hat falling off her head” lmaoooo
curt laughing
“is it some kind of joooooke???”
the yoga choreography i am LOSING MY SHIT
evil carol of the bells motif again!!
JAMES’ DEATH DROP UGH YES
lex set a fire and she burned down the mall!
oh man the “what if tomorrow comes” melody is playing and im crying
“WEAR A WATCH” OH MY GOD LMAOOO
also jon saying “what am i going to  dowithout my iphone” as a former apple store employee is hilarious
the callbacks to tgwdlm were hilarious
god this song is so fucking good
also robert being hot chocolate guy is hilarious
im so ready for nerdy prudes must die
kendall’s voice is so good oh my god
the harmonies im living jesus christ christ i wish they were sustained though there’s some silences between them which is a bit awkward
and this was only the digital ticket im sure they’ll sound MUCH better with the actual editing in picked from several performances and better on the cast recording. 
ok tbh i don’t know quite what to make of black friday yet i will have to rewatch a few times to Really Process it but i do know that there were some fucking BOPS in it. it kinda feels like a bit of a mess
angela did very well singing songs that were originally not written on her voice but u can also definitely tell. i really liked her califor mia but not so much when the song required her voice to be very strong.
and hey at least most of them didn’t die this time.
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notmyrick · 4 years
Text
General Arc 5
/She had a Rick once, but she also had a Diane. Then a Beth. / She and Diane raised Beth without Rick for 3 years, specifically her high school years. Beth was turning out to be a remarkable young woman. But things took a turn for the worse when Diane was hospitalized, near the end of Beth's junior year. She died that summer. "Diane Sanchez died due to depression." The doctor stated as he forlornly gave the news. "According to your reports Ms. Rivas, her body was healthy as could be and her genetic disease was handled with all proper precautions. The forensic department agreed with you. The only underlying cause of death is depression." "But she didn't commit suicide, a heart just doesn't stop when you want it to." Roxx reasoned. She couldn't accept Diane's death, not like this. The doctor gave her a sympathetic look, before answering. "It's unexplainable I know, and it is hard to accept a person's death. The best way I could explain this phenomenon is like trying to prove why medical miracles happen. Sometimes things just happen without rhyme or reason, there is nothing scientific about them. And where there are miracles, there exist the opposite, tragedies." "So your just saying, she was a medical tragedy!" "I'll give you a moment with the patient to mourn." The doctor left and Roxx turned her head to the window which hosted Diane's body. She entered the room and cried silent tears as she held the cold hand. Beth was interning at a different hospital, so she wasn't here. Roxx felt as cold as the body, but she knew that was a lie. "Why? Why did you leave us? I finally got you back." Roxx kissed Diane on the forehead before wallowing in her own grief. /She had a Rick once, but she also had a Diane. Then a Beth. / It was late at night and Beth was over at a friend’s house. Her daughter was enjoying her senior year of high school as she only had 2 core classes and the rest were extracurriculars. When it was only Roxx and Diane raising her, Beth started to both call them her mothers. Roxx never felt so much joy that night when Beth called her mother; Diane didn't mind, she even encouraged it. Roxx was home alone drinking wine. She already finished a whole bottle and was debating opening another. Suddenly she heard noise coming from the garage. She grumbled to herself and got a box of Lucky Charms from the cabinet. Beth exited the house through the garage when her friend picked her up. She would not be surprised if she left the door open for the raccoons to come in. She unlocked the door to the garage, ready to throw the cereal to the driveway for the raccoons to chase. As soon as she opened the door a drunk Rick fell on top of her. She yelped as they both kissed the ground. The clearly drunk as fuck Rick passed out as soon as she opened the door and the less coordinated Roxx fell due to the influence of alcohol and surprise. The cereal box spilled all over the floor, but that was instantly forgotten for the more pressing issue at hand. Roxx maneuvered the blue haired man off her for a moment so she could drag him to the living room. Although the living room was only 12 feet away from the where they were at. With Roxy’s lack of coordination factored with Rick's height and weight, the result was her hitting her hips and stubbing her toes against surfaces. It wasn’t until she flopped him onto the couch did, she hear his mutterings. "It’s all my fault. I did this. Why am I so toxic? I deserve this, I should never be happy." Roxx was sad that Rick was muttering these things. She stumbled her way through the house, though not as much anymore with the lack of mass hauling her down and a little bit more sober. She started to clean Rick up. She wiped away assumed vomit on his lips, grabbed his flask from his hand so it doesn't spill, and stripped him of his dirty coat. As she was about to put the coat in the laundry, but first she emptied out his pockets for anything important. She took out some electronics and a few pieces of paper. She was curious and unraveled the pieces. One was a noted from one of his friends, a person named Bird person. Coordinates that look like it can be inputted into the portal gun. And a certificate. She flattened out the as best she could try to read it. Her eyes widened, she turned the paper over and saw taped to the back of the certificate was a picture of Rick, Diane, Roxx, and Beth, all smiling. She looked at the drunk on her couch as she began to weep once more. The certificate in Rick's lab coat was Diane's death certificate, with the cause of death highlighted. /She had a Rick once, but she also had a Diane. Then a Beth. / "Your mom would say you look beautiful." Roxx said as she placed a necklace on Beth's neck. She was dressed for her high school prom, looking absolutely stunning. "Thank you mother." Beth smiled at the same vanity that used to be Diane's. Roxx smiled in response to her daughter. As she led her daughter down stairs, Rick appeared at the end of the stair case and looked at Beth up and down. "Change." "Rick." "She's not going to prom like that." "You were there when we went dress shopping, you were the one who picked this dress." "And now, I'm saying the dress is too inappropriate for my little girl." Beth chuckled as Roxy and Rick argued about her. "I know these little shits because I was one of those little shits! Beth will attract those horny prepubescent boys like a moth to a flame!" "And you know what Rick, if they get too close to our Beth, they will get burned. Baby girl, I give you full permission to kick a boy’s ass if they get a bit too familiar with you. Don't worry about lawsuits, I can win them." Roxx comforted both Rick and Beth. Beth smiled at her parents and gave them both a hug. Both parents reciprocated as the doorbell rang. Beth's friends squealed at the sight of her and thus began the grueling process of photographing. Rick oversaw all the pictures as Roxx relaxed on the sideline. Rick lost rock, paper, scissors. However, it wasn’t as "troublesome" as Rick complained about it to be. She saw a brief smile as he took pictures for Beth with her friends. She sat down on the couch reading her favorite book with a plate of cannolis beside her as she heard her husband yell "More?!" And the group of giggling girls moved to the backyard. She turned the page. ------ "You piece of shit!" Roxxanne held a boy by the collar of his shirt against the wall. He was nervous and confused. She lifted him off the wall before slamming him right against it again. This hormonal teenage child had the audacity to come to her house, after he knocked up her daughter, and dare say to her that he could support her. All because Beth did a pity lay. A DAMN PITY LAY. Because she felt sorry for the guy who seemed to be the next top candidate for 40-year-old virgin, Beth had sex with this no spine, conniving, useless, shit stain of a man. Her Beth was having a midlife crisis at the age of 17! Luckily Rick took Beth out today for some quality father daughter bonding time. Because if Beth was home and saw this tool out here, she no doubt have another mental breakdown. "M... ma-... m-ma'am. I- I promise to support Beth..." "So you don't think I can't support my own daughter, you punk!" "N-no! Not at all. Not that I mean you can't support her, I mean you can obviously support her, we would be blessed if you could support us!" "So you were planning to dependent on us! Am I and my husband only cash cows to you!" "No that wasn't what I was trying to imply!" "What are you trying to imply!" "I know Beth is a smart girl and she has dreams to become a surgeon. So a child will obviously hinder her plan-" "Boy you better stop while your ahead of yourself." "I'm just saying the cost of an abortion-" Roxxanne flung the brown haired boy to the side and grabbed a belt from the coat closet and used it as a whip. The sudden sound scared the boy as his eyes grew wide. "You! Don't get a say in anything. You don't even mention this possibility to my daughter. What she does with your unwanted sperm donation is up to her. If she wants to keep the child, she'll keep the child, if she wants an abortion, she will get the abortion. She does not need your shit filled input to decide what she can or cannot do to HER body. Don't you dare try to make her lean towards one choice or the other for your shitty fantasy." She stepped menacingly toward the boy who crawled backwards toward the door. "Regardless of her choice, your life belongs to me. You WILL take responsibility for your actions. You WILL listen to every command I give you. And you WILL compensate by any means necessary for the troubles you inflicted on MY daughter." At each emphasis Roxx whipped the belt at the feet of the young boy, effectively scaring him as he edged closer and closer to the door. "You will pay for you actions Jerry Smith, I guarantee you that." Finally the young boy scrambled up at the door and ran out of her house. When he left, she place the belt back into the closet, grabbed a glass of wine, and waited for her daughter and husband to come back. /She had a Rick once, but she also had a Diane. Then a Beth. / "Are you sure mother?" "Yes, yes, yes. A million times yes! Don't worry, Rick and I got this, just have fun with Jerry. Okay baby girl?" Roxx shooed her daughter away toward her husband Jerry. They said goodbye to Roxx and Rick as the blue haired man held onto their granddaughter. Beth and Jerry ended up keeping the baby and did a shotgun wedding. Because Beth wanted to keep the baby, she thought she would have to give up being a surgeon. Roxx quickly dismissed that idea saying she and Rick could watch over the baby while she's getting her degree. They argued for a while, but Roxx ultimately won at the end. In addition, because Roxx believed Beth was too good for Jerry, the only way the stupid male could marry her daughter was to be at the same level as her. So, the first thing she had a problem with Jerry was his looks. Instantly she made him do military drills from all sectors, 6 days a week for 12 hours every day, not including mealtimes. Not only did his body barely become passable, his personality shifted 30 degrees in the right direction. He was still annoying and dumb, but at least he can be passable eye candy. After military training was done, she encouraged him (read forced) to pick a major that won’t embarrass her daughter. All the art majors were immediately disqualified for him. He ended up picking marketing, which wasn't the best, but it would not embarrass her daughter. She made sure Jerry understood, passed, and excelled on all his classes. Only when he was on his way to finish his undergraduate’s degree and got a paid internship with a ladder system, did she deem him as a viable candidate for Beth's husband. Not the best, but viable. Only then did she approve of their marriage. They may have married young, but she didn't let Jerry lived with them until last year. Up until then, he still lived in his parents’ house and only visited Beth, not even staying over nights. Anyway, Rick carried their 2-and-a-half-year-old granddaughter to the living room. She wasn't as smart as Beth, but she was smarter than average. Summer amused herself with crayons and paper and went to her room.  Roxx leaned against Rick and sighed. "I am way too young to have a grandchild already. My hair didn’t even start graying yet." "I know the feeling, we don't even qualify for the early bird special yet." They chuckled as the TV played in the background. "So I was thinking..." "And what thoughts are going inside that mind of yours." Rick replied as he kissed the top of her head. "Maybe we should move out." "Roxx..." "Just hear me out Rick. This house is worth more to us than mansions in California, penthouses in New York, or even estates in Texas. This place has sentimental value. So, I don’t want to sell it. Plus, we already bought it out. We can give the deed to Beth, under her name. She can start a family here and grow into the person I know she could be." "And what does us having to move out clash with Beth's development." "You know there isn’t enough space here for all of us, especially if Beth wants her family to grow. Plus, Beth has grown a dependency on us, specifically you. This dependency can impair judgment, we both know that. Look I'm not saying we should go across the globe. I'm just saying, maybe 30 min. Or an hour away drive. Close enough if she really needs us, but far enough to deter her from "casually" dropping by." Roxx laid her head against Rick's chest drawing patterns on his chest. "Plus, instead of having to stay at a motel every time one of us want to do it, we have our own place." Rick grabbed Roxy’s ass and gave it a firm squeeze. "Should've argued with that first." "Shut up." She smiled and chuckled.
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taylornock · 4 years
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sadness + a pandemic
its march 18th, 2020. the nation is in a state of emergency due to the spread of coronavirus; a viral infection with flu-like symptoms that can be severe [potentially fatal] for the immunosuppressed, elderly, and very young. as a result of this horseshit - everything on the calendar is cancelled. everything including classes for the rest of the semester. so Ohio State has kindly asked us to move out of our current campus housing and say goodbye to this year from the quarantine of our own homes.
-
i keep trying to remind myself of how blessed i am; something that has been a common theme in my life. “people always have it worse” “in the grand scheme of things” etc. but this is so hard to have that mindset. I am trying to check myself and be grateful for what i have, i am in no way suffering more than those who are going to lose meals, family members, shelter, or jobs due to this fucking virus. but my feelings are still heavy, + threatening a downward spiral in my mental health. also cough syrup just came on so like, now im really unstable and my room is pitch black i do not feel well
in the past week i have been forced to accept the end of so many things. A) my experience living in my sorority house, B) my college friends until fall, C) the seniors graduating and moving on, and D) half a semester in college that I can’t get back.
To start with A - the sorority house. my heart is WRENCHING over this. i cant even begin to put into words how much that damn house means to me as stupid as it sounds. In that house, I didn’t just make friends. I didn’t just go to school and come home to eat or sleep. It completely changed who I am as a person, and brought me further out of the shell that I didn’t realize was still covering me. I have been blessed with amazing people in my life and I was fortunate enough to meet even more of them in that house. over 7 months, i met girls who made me feel validated and loved in a way that only a few people had shown me before. Without them I would not have the confidence to do so many things I did this school year, and i cannot thank them enough for their support through it all. I could talk about my sorority until my mouth gets dry, but its all because i feel so passionately about what it has done for me. Im not ‘paying for my friends’ or for frats or for free t shirts (that aren’t even free might i mention)…. these people mean the world to me. seeing their faces everyday in the house brought me so much joy and peace of mind that i am terrified for what i am going to do without it. i am a people person to my death, and living somewhere where i could walk down the hall and pop my head into people’s rooms to bother them was the best thing that has ever happened to me. my anxiety chilled the f out in this house; because i was forced into conversations i didnt want to have and forced to socialize with girls at dinner when all i wanted to do was go eat by myself and cry about food like i used to do in high school. this experience was truly     once    in     a    lifetime,     and i had the best memories with all of those people. i never felt so at home like i did in the chee as we call it - that place gave me the same sense of shelter that id cry about leaving behind in cleveland. because of these strong memories associated with that house, my chest is physically tightening when i remember i have to leave it behind tomorrow morning,,,, tomorrow morning! its just not fair to have something that great and that makes you so happy ripped away from you without warning - and again i know this happens all the time in life but it doesn’t suck any less when it does!! you know what else sucks about the house? i actually didnt want to live in it, at all. I thought my life was perfect last year and i wasn’t willing to change it for the world - but i took a leap (or was kind of forced to jump) and it is the best decision i have ever made. i didnt want to do it, i did it, and now im so happy —— so naturally life comes in with the “let it go now before you’re ready”. you’re joking? the best things in my life come out of what i think are going to be the worst things, and now i am so sad that i didn’t have that attitude 7 months ago and wasted even a minute questioning what was right in front of me.
to my college friends; i love you so so much. thank you for being a part of the family i have at OSU… a school I thought was going to be too big for me. I will miss your smiling faces every day. I will miss the different conversations and the little run ins and the squadding up at bars that have been my entire college experience. stay healthy and well i love you all and cant wait to see you again (also come visit me please im sad and its not long before im going to start punching walls)
to my seniors. my freaking seniors!!! this is so unfair to you — and i honestly think that the only thing keeping me sane throughout the whole thing is knowing that if you can have a positive attitude about all of this ending so quickly than i fucking better have one too. im not ready to let you go even a little. i couldn’t even TYPE that sentence without starting to feel a lump in my throat. there are so many people i unfortunately just got to know this year that have given me an example of the person i want to be. you all have been great role models for me (even when you think you haven’t) and i am so grateful for the memories we did get to have together. at our preference round of recruitment, hearing the seniors speak made me start crying immediately. i hate change. i hate people leaving. even though you are doing great things in your young adult lives i just don’t want you to go!!! is that fair just to have your face around all the time?? I am so so sad that i didnt get a proper goodbye —— that you didnt get a proper goodbye to your school like you’ve dreamt of. this is all too sudden and unfair and i want to squeeze you all to pieces and tell you i love you 100 times and not to forget me. please dont forget me because i will never forget you. (crying again) THANK YOU for showing me kindness, hard work, fun, and true love for your friends. THANK YOU for showing me what its like to have an unmatchable energy level and be excited about waking up every day… everyone can use that mindset. THANK YOU ALL, please dont go. i want nothing more than to take this virus away from you just so you can have a second to look around and breathe.
half a semester in college i cant get back. its true what they say ~the years get faster as you get older~ and i really wish it wasn’t. I already feel like im growing up too fast, like my parents are growing older too fast, or my younger cousins growing up too fast (and not just because of tik tok). i feel like time is moving so much faster than i can handle. i feel like i am spiraling into my dark hole of losing everything - and the feeling of not being able to stop your life from slipping through your own fingers. i want to make it stop; i want to freeze time and relive all of the amazing memories and laughter fits i have had this school year. i only get 4 real years of college, and to think that im losing some of one breaks my heart. i feel like i never truly value a moment until after it happens, and you really don’t know what you have until its gone. i am so FUCKING sad to have to say goodbye to sophomore year like this; and i pray that i can make up for it in some other way and that things dont change. i am so fucking scared of things changing - and i was so happy 2 weeks ago with life that im not okay with anything fucking with it. im sad, im trying to cope, and trying to process everything that’s happening. but i really just wish it all wasn’t. i dont want to feel like im always running out of time.
tell everyone you love them & stop to smell the flowers. appreciate what you have now because you never know when a virus is going to take over the globe and destroy the idea that you have everything planned out. im sad, i havent felt like this in a minute. and it goes up from here, i know it does! but the light at the end of that tunnel is a little dim right now. i think my flashlight needs a few more batteries (metaphorically! ha ha! now im not sure if it makes sense and is deep or im just jet lagged) 
okay goodnight! 
xoxo sad taylor hours 
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thefateofdesire · 5 years
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Coachella - Day 2 - Continued
“Diana,” I said, taking a step back. “What… what are you doing here?”
I stared at her across the parking lot, inching closer to Carlos, afraid she might be there to potentially harm him.
“I,” Diana said, removing her cigarette from her lips, “am here to check up on you.” She flicked the butt of her cigarette on the ground, stomping it out with one of her heels as she strutted towards me.
“What for?” I said, softly clenching and relaxing my right fist.
“That’s a good one,” Diana said, chuckling to herself. “I mean, I am just the one witch that helped you get off with this probation period instead of having to completely revoke your magic. I’m still waiting for that thank you basket you promised, by the way.”
Diana wasn’t wrong. From the very beginning, she was on my side; even when I wasn’t aware of what was going on. When I was being whisked away in my dreams to the council for my pre-trial punishments and transformations, Diana was secretly compiling reasons and justifications to not sentence me to become a mortal. At the end of it all, I would’ve been trapped in the 18-year-old twink body I was eventually transformed into, and stripped off my magic; forced my live the rest of my life completely powerless.
“My bad,” I said, still tense. “My brain isn’t exactly the way it used to be. I swear, nowadays I find myself more drawn to lusting after my own reflection than remembering the promises I made to people.”
“That I can believe,” Diana said. “In any case, I see you’ve decided to go through with the arrangement: prove to the council that your methods of transforming mortals is for the better of this world and ours.”
“I have,” I said. “I’ve already directly improved four lives, and who’s to say how many more considering the first three was a gang of bullies.”
“I agree,” Diana said, pulling another cig from her purse. “Nevertheless, since I stuck my neck out for you, I’ve been assigned to monitor you for the remainder of your probation to make sure you don’t fall out of line and start transforming anyone, mortal or magical, for your own personal agenda.”
I squinted my eyes. Typical of the council – they never liked being challenged. And now after processing what Diana just told me, I should’ve expected this to happen. I vaguely remembered one of the warlocks scoffing that a “kid will do what a kid wants to do” during my trial and how “children need surveillance.” Pfft. It’s not my fault I was biologically 28 years old and the old fart was pushing five centuries.
“I don’t need a babysitter, Diana,” I said, crossing my arms. “I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but I think I can handle this on my own.”
“Raul,” Diana said, exhaling smoke. “It’s not up to me. It’s up to them. I have to give at least weekly reports from now on, sometimes more when there’s repeated transformations occurring. And since you’ve already done, what, four, you said? I think I’m going to need to pop in a couple more times this weekend.”
Sometimes I wondered if Chad was a low-key clairvoyant; I swear he could feel when something bad was coming from a mile away.
If I couldn’t shake Diana off my back, I couldn’t shake the council off it either. I would have to be extra cautious from here on out. Adam’s transformation still would be considered safe under the arrangement, as would the bullies, but I would be liar if I wasn’t already thinking about tweaking Chad a little when I got back home. Guess that was out of the picture for the time being.
“Fair enough,” I said, not wanting to cause any more friction. “You do what you gotta do. But, next time, do you think you could give ya boy a little bit of a heads up?”
“That,” Diana said, the side of her mouth curling up, “is something I cannot promise.”
Well, it was worth a try.
“Oh, and Raul,” Diana said. “One more thing before I go.”
I raised my eyebrows, feigning interest.
“The council wanted me to lay out what would happen if you fail to provide enough justification throughout this process. If you fail to prove your transformations provide significant improvements to both the mortal and magical worlds…”
“I’ll have my powers stripped away,” I said.
“No,” Diana said, stamping out the rest of her cigarette, “I’m afraid I couldn’t manage to get them to agree on that for your potential sentencing.”
I furrowed my eyebrows and bit the side of my lip. Worse than becoming a mortal? What could be worse than that?
“If you fail, Raul,” Diana said. “You’ll be required to restart your magical studies, with a different specialization, as a first year student, of course, and be given an entirely different identity. Raul Flores will be no more.”
“What?” I said, my voice rising. “But in order to learn a new specialization I would have to be-“
“An adolescent, yes” Diana said, interrupting me. “You’ll be regressed back into young teenagerhood, and enrolled at the institution in the magic world, considering your first time ‘round learning in the mortal world would be deemed a failure. You won’t have your mind erased – you’ll be forced to remember your past life, your past powers, yet unable to ever cast any shape shifting spells ever again, and you’ll start completely over.”
“But,” I said, my eyes widening. “Chad…”
“Yes, I’m afraid he would continue to live out the remainder of his mortal life, not remembering you at all. Everyone here in the mortal world would live out the rest of their lives without you, actually.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
This couldn’t be happening to me. How could I be so stupid? I should’ve just listened to Chad, months ago, and not used my powers until my probation was up. Now… now I was putting him and myself at risk… and this time, I could really lose everything.
“Well,” Diana said, turning around. “I guess I’ll leave you and your new friend to enjoy the rest of the festival. Handsome man, by the way. Surprised temptations to transform him haven’t occurred in your mind. And I know they haven’t; I am a mind reader, you know.”
I stood there, staring out past Diana, out into the crowds of frozen people dressed in their festival gear. Large hats, bandanas, flower crowns, shades, neon-matching fits.
Everyone could forget me. Everyone… but me.
“Raul.”
I turned to look at Diana, tears beginning to well in my eyes.
“I know you’re a good person,” Diana said, continuing. “I have faith in you. I want you to succeed, even if it doesn’t seem like it. I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to prove you didn’t do anything wrong last year if I didn’t think you had something… Don’t let me down.”
“Hey, you okay, buddy?”
I blinked, and Diana was gone. The world was back in motion, and for a moment, I thought maybe I imagined it all.
“Huh?” I said, wiping the stray tear off my cheek. “Yeah, Carlos, I’m good. I just- I don’t know…”
“You sure?” Carlos said, placing his hand on my shoulder. “If you’re not feeling good, we could head back to the room for a bit?”
“No, no,” I said, shaking my head laughing. “I’m fine. Really. I just thought of something randomly and it got me sad. You pour a heavy mimosa; you already got me in the crying stage of being tipsy.”
Carlos laughed as he squeezed my shoulder, taking the bait and allowing us to change the subject. We walked on the shuttle and sat about halfway down in order to not be those assholes who sit in the front of the bus when there’s plenty of space in the back, but also not in the very back so it wouldn’t take us too long to get off once we arrived at the festival.
As more festivalgoers boarded the shuttle, Carlos rambled on about how awesome Adam was and how he was glad they at least exchanged numbers since they wanted to see one of the DJ’s playing later that night. I nodded and smiled the more he talked, but found myself completely distracted by my encounter with Diana.
I could lose Chad.
That’s all that kept playing in my head. Fuck turning into a teen again, although relieving adolescence sounded like a nightmare in itself, but losing Chad… I didn’t know if I could deal with that.
Worst of all, there was no way to back out anymore. The ball was set in motion. I pushed it, and now it was tumbling down the mountain and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I would get crushed, and still have to suffer my fate.
I had to get this point across. I was going to prove to the council that I was really helping both our worlds and making them a better place. I knew I was.
Right?
--
The first half of our time at the festival was a blur for me.
Carlos and I had been running back and forth between stages and the bars. We even got ourselves a smoothie at some point.
But I couldn’t focus. Diana really threw a goddamn wrench in my mind. She was all I could think about; her, and the council, and Chad, and my fucked up life.
I was finishing up the last sip of my margarita when Carlos mentioned he brought molly in the festival grounds with him.
I hadn’t done any kind of drugs in years, since I was still in college, but at the moment, being high and wasted seemed better than being lost in my thoughts.
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to you know,” Carlos said, popping the pill in his mouth and washing it down with his own marg.
“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “But I want to.” I stuck my hand out, waiting for Carlos to drop the E in my palm.
“Ayeee, that’s my little dude!” Carlos plopped the pill in my hand before smacking my ass lightly.
We were already pretty tipsy, so maybe taking the pill wasn’t the best idea, but, if anything, I could try to detox the poison from our bodies if we started getting too faded.
Placing the pill on my tongue, I chugged the rest of my drink. Tossing the plastic cup in the nearby recycling bin, I smacked Carlos’ ass to let him know I was ready to head out of the beer garden.
“Where to next?” I said, dusting off the bits of dust that had accumulated on my shorts over the last few hours.
“Well, I texted Adam,” Carlos said. “He said he can meet us at the Outdoor Stage an hour before the DJ goes on. So… we still have a good… 45 minutes before that. Perfect timing too; the pill should be in full swing by the time the DJ’s on.”
“Nice,” I said, crackling my knuckles.
I pulled my phone from my front pocket, remembering I needed to text Chad that I had been at the festival. I thought about also informing him about the council, but decided it was best to save that until tomorrow, the earliest - perhaps even when I got back home. I needed to have a good time and forget about all that drama.
Hitting SEND on my messaging app, I turned back to Carlos, who had started grooving as we passed by the restrooms, which was convenient considering we probably wouldn’t have time to go again once we were at the Outdoor Stage.
At least I had Carlos with me right now to distract me. He was a good time, and his friendship made things feel a little less hectic.
“You gotta piss?” I said, pointing to the line forming outside.
“Mmmm,” Carlos said, his dancing slowing down. “Yeah, we probably should.”
“Good call,” I said, walking to the back of the line.
“Watch it!” a man yelled, as he shoved his shoulder past mine.
“YOU watch it!” Carlos said, yelling after the man. “What a prick!”
“It’s fine, Carlos,” I said, rubbing my shoulder. “Just an asshole.”
I stared at the man who rammed into me as he walked only 15 steps behind me at the water refill station. He was a pretty average guy, probably in his early to mid 30s. Enough muscle mixed with a little fat, on the taller side. He was dressed like a tool, though. A backwards cap with a basketball jersey about 2 sizes too big, and cargo shorts that didn’t deserve to see the light of day.
“Watch it!” the man yelled, pushing past a younger guy about to fill up his water bottle.
I clenched my teeth.
“Dude, I was here first,” the younger guy said, pushing his way back into his spot at the water fountain.
“Fuck off, bitch,” the man said, pushing the other guy to the ground and putting his mouth directly underneath the faucet.
I glared at the older man as patrons in the area helped the younger man back to his feet and fetched his water bottle.
“What the fuck,” Carlos said, muttering under his breath.
Rubbing my fingers together and muttering under my breath, I turned around to face Carlos, moving forward in the bathroom line as people came and went.
“Carlos,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. “Who do you want to see after this?”
“I don’t know,” Carlos said, putting his hands on his hips. “All that commotion reminded me we should probably get water before we meet up with Adam though. And another drink. Or two.”
“Wh-what the fuck?” a voice said behind us.
A group of people turned to look at the older man from before, his chin and chest dripping with water. He had his arms completely extended out in front of him. He was staring at his hands, turning and twisting them, with his eyes bulging out of his head.
“Someone please help me,” the man said, choking on his words.
A small crowd soon began to form around the water refill station as he continued to panic. They whispered amongst themselves, confused about the commotion.
I smiled as Carlos and I joined in on the staring. Since that asshole cleared enjoyed drawing the attention of others, I figured he’d want an audience as he experienced his transformation, which was triggered by the amount of water he chugged greedily from the fountain.
What the man wasn’t aware of, however, was he and I were the only people noticing the changes to his body. To the crowd of festivalgoers around him, he just looked like someone experiencing a bad trip.
The man’s mouth dropped as the hairs on his arms began to recede, leaving them completely hairless. The rest of his body hair quickly followed suit before his clothes began to loosen up around him. He shrank closer and closer to the ground as his muscles softened, not with fat, but from the loss of tone. The trimmed goatee on his face faded into nothingness as his cheeks rounded a bit, looking more and more like the fresh-faced recent high school graduate he was steadily becoming.
“Someone please help!” the now 19-year-old boy repeated, his voice cracking slightly.
“Someone go get the medic,” a woman said, pointing to the medical tent a few yards away.
The teen grasped at his shorts, threatening to fall off his thinning hips. His jersey billowed like a tarp on his torso. His breathing increased as freckles lined his skin and metal brackets appeared on his crooked teeth. Where there once was a wannabee thuggish man now stood a wannabee punkish college-drop out.
“What seems to be the problem here?” the medic said, pushing his way into the crowd. “Everyone back up, give the kid some space.”
The crowd began to disperse, deciding it had enough watching punk of a teenager freak out.
“You gotta help me man,” the teen said, tightening the belt on his shorts. “I’m shrinking man, I don’t know what’s going on.”
“What’s your name kid?” the medic asked, putting his hand on the teen’s back.
“My name is Scott and I’m not a kid!” the former man said, with a slight lisp as his tongue tripped over the metal in his mouth. “I’m 34 years old and something is seriously wrong!”
“Are you here with anyone else?” the medic said, ignoring Scott’s pleas.
“Yes, my girlfriend Stacy and my best friend Hank, wait there they are! Stacy!”
Stacy, accompanied by Hank, turned to look at Scott, confusion written across her face.
“How do you know my name?” she asked, wrapping his arm around Hank’s.
“Stacy!” Scott said, tears forming in his eyes. “It’s me! Scott! I know I look like a kid right now, but it’s me. I don’t know what’s going on but-“
“Let’s get out of here, babe,” Hank said, pulling Stacy away.
As the couple walked away from the water fill station and towards the beer garden, Scott stared in disbelief before falling to his knees and losing consciousness.
“Fuck,” the medic said, pulling out a walkie-talkie. “I need a stretcher out by water 3; kid just passed out from an apparent trip.”
“Jesus,” Carlos said, shaking his head.
“That can’t happen to us, right?” I asked, trying to play up the drug-trip narrative. I snapped my fingers, ensuring Scott would wake up thinking the entire ordeal truly was a bad trip.
“No, no way,” Carlos said, turning back around. “My shit is clean. Not laced with whatever the fuck that prick had. I’ve never seen anything like that. He was so young too.”
“Yeah,” I said, as we finally entered the restroom. “Kids nowadays…”
--
About an hour later, Carlos and I were on cloud 9. After we finished using the restroom and refilled our water bottles, we made our way to the beer garden and chugged a couple beers. Now, we were resting at the Outdoor stage, waiting for Adam and his girlfriend. My head was spinning from the alcohol and the E coursing through my veins. I opted to sit down against a fence as Carlos tried finding our newly acquainted friends.
I pulled out my phone to check if Chad had responded to my texts. Much to my dismay, I had no service.
“Raul!” Adam said, suddenly. “I want you to meet my girlfriend, Cristal. I was telling her all about you guys and how you took me out of the funk I was in this morning.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Raul,” Cristal said, extending her hand. “Thanks for helping with Adam; he’s so hard on himself. He beats himself up whenever he tries new things.”
I stood up, the biggest smile plastered on my face, partially from the compliment, but mostly from how insanely fucked up I was.
“Aw, it was no problem,” I said, shaking Cristal’s hand. “He’s a really cool guy – he made Carlos and I enjoy our walk to the shuttle a bit more. It’s nice to meet you!
Cristal smiled before moving back to Adam, resting her head against his chest. Carlos walked over to me before offering his hand so we could head into the crowd.
As we walked closer to the Outdoor Stage, the DJ began his set.
“Fuck I’m so pumped!” Carlos said, as we all weaved our way through the sea of people.
“Me too,” I said, giggling. I squeezed Carlos’ hand, enjoying the feeling of his fingers intertwined with mine. I moved my thumb over the back of his index finger repeatedly.
“Damn, you’re on a good one huh?” Carlos said, smiling down at me.
“Fuck. Yeah,” I said, laughing.
When we finally found a suitable spot, the four of us began dancing. I bumped my head to the beat, swayed my hips to the lasers, and pulsed my muscles to the bass flowing through my body.
My head twirled along to the music, my body moving in ways I had forgotten I could dance. I pressed myself repeatedly against Carlos as he danced with me, his arms holding me close at times.
I closed my eyes, picturing all the colors and shapes of the light show in front of me. I imagined my body changing back to it used to be, knowing I was banned from changing it until my probation was over. But with the way I was rolling, my imagination began to feel real.
I saw my thick chest and tight abs, and my strong biceps and shoulders that would make even Carlos jealous. I felt my thick rod and bulge between my legs, my powerful thighs grooving to the music. I shook my muscular ass, feeling the vibrations course up through my broad back.  
I imagined Carlos and I dancing there, feeling like we were floating above the ground.
I thought of Chad… wondering how he would feel if he knew I was here, cross-faded out of my mind, getting incredibly close with another man.
But I knew Carlos was just a friend. That’s all he ever would be. But in that moment, I also needed to have intimacy, because deep down, I was terrified. Terrified that I would fail. Terrified that I would lose. Terrified that I could wreck my life and have nothing left to show for it.
“Raul.”
I opened my eyes, my train of thought broken. I looked down at my body; slightly disappointed to see I was still the 21-year-old I had become.
I turned to look at Carlos, when my jaw dropped.
“Carlos?” I said, my voice wavering.
Carlos smiled at me, weaving his fingers around mine before squeezing them. He continued to dance and I stared at his body, not believing my eyes. I knew it was him; still 25 years old, but he was completely different. His muscles were practically gone; he stood a mere inch, if anything above me, and the light stubble he kept on his face had completely vanished.
“I’m having such a great time with you, Raul,” Carlos said, his voice a few octaves higher. “Please promise me we’ll hang out so much more when we get back to LA.”
I opened my mouth to say something, but I couldn’t. A tear fell down my face, when Carlos quickly wiped it away.
“Don’t cry, Raul,” Carlos said, his brows furrowing.
I closed my eyes, more tears falling down my cheeks. Did I do this? On accident? Diana? Someone else? I didn’t understand.
“Raul,” Carlos said, squeezing my hand tightly.
I took in a deep breath before I opened my eyes. I gasped when my eyes met Carlos’. He was fine. He wasn’t transformed at all. He was still the tall, muscular man I had been hanging out with the past couple days.
“Are you okay? Do you need water?”
I laughed, breathing a sigh of relief.
“Yeah, that would be great,” I said, squeezing Carlos’ hand. I think I’m just rolling a bit too hard.”
“I got you, man,” Carlos said, taking out the water bottle from his backpack. “I’ll always have you.”
I smiled, wondering how I had gotten so lucky to have two beautiful men in my life. I took the water bottle and pressed it against my lips. As I drank, I felt my anxiety dissipate and my tension balance out. I took deep breaths, in and out, and handed the bottle back to Carlos.
“Thank you,” I said, smiling. “I’ll always have you too. I promise.”
Carlos smiled back, before slowly pulling my back against his chest.
“We can dance relaxed like this until you feel better,” he said, whispering in my ear.
I nodded my head and swayed along to the rhythm. I went back to bumping my head to the music, and looked over to Adam and Cristal, who were too busy making out with each other to notice anything at all. I felt a vibration in my pocket and grinned.
Chad.
I closed my eyes, and sighed. I was going to do whatever it took to win over the council. I was going to win, no matter what.
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hexfelicis03 · 4 years
Text
Am I ready or not?
I’ve been in several dates and one night stands in the past 3 years. I know, it’s nothing to be proud of but I did enjoy my single life and got used to being alone. I loved myself more and learned how to be independent.
Now, don’t say that I haven’t tried to work on a relationship with someone. I did but I’ve pushed people away many times because I am afraid of being hurt. So instead of them doing it first, I’ll be three steps ahead of them.
But suddenly, it makes me look back 2016. I really was working it out with Saul. He was a Spanish expat who was the former CFO of Lazada. We met in Tipple n Slaw and that was were our story started. The Despacito song and Versace on the Floor was one of the highlights of our “relationship” We will have either breakfast, lunch or dinner or even out of town trip together. It was there. I met his friends, he met mine. He met and Jarrod. But there are times he wanted to hangout and I would choose my friends. I drink a lot. I party a lot. Then when I moved to Heineken, that’s where it just went off. No good byes. It was left hanging. Now he has a girlfriend. Was I ever over it? I was supposed to meet him last August 2018 but I blew it off too. If I met him, would we be back together? Or was it the supposed to be “Closure”? I missed those time with him but I have to accept that it was never meant to be. 
Then was Araam... who I met after Saul. It was in Libertine for Nico’s night. He was on a holiday in the Philippines. I wasn’t even feeling that I wanna go out but there, I went. I wasn’t in the mood the flirt or whatever. I was introduced to Chi and he introduced me to Araam. Then suddenly, conversation just flowed. We laughed and talked about anything. He went out to smoke and I can feel that I’m about to pass out because I’ve been drinking day and night. I was working in Heineken back then. I just stormed off without saying good bye. A few days after or maybe it was a day or two after, I saw notifications in both Facebook and Instagram. I saw Araam’s message. He asked me not to freak out because he stalked me and sent two messages in both social media platforms. He said if I wanted to stay in touch, he gave his WhatsApp number. I checked messenger first though and gave him my number there instead. We talked more. It was Heineken Circus in 2020 in Makati. Nico and I went while Raam, Chi and Theresa went too. I invited them over for more beers. Anyway, I didn’t see Chi and I saw Raam and Theresa. I didn’t know who Theresa was and was actually devastated when I saw them together. Then Chi came and Nico asked them to kiss... the typical Nico kiss and shot. That’s when I knew that they were husband and wife. Lol. Then Nico faced us and asked me and Raam to kiss. We were both hesitant and Raam whispered “I would definitely want to kiss you right now but I don’t want to be too forward cause we barely know each other.” That’when I knew that he liked me. I smiled and when the night was getting late and Nico asked us to kiss - we did. It was all sparks and chill. He went to Cebu with Chi but when he was back, he went to our event again in Tunnl. With Araam, he will be sweet and fun but he will ask if it is time to socialize. It’s all easy with him. I can trust him and he can trust me. We jive. I don’t get paranoid when there is a girl with them in the conversation. He would look at me and pull me and kiss me in the forehead. Even if we didn’t go out in the same place, he will leave his door open and ask me to go home to him. We both stopped talking for almost a year. I knew that maybe he had someone and I also had guys with me... LOL. December 2018 he sent me a Facebook messenger. I totally forgot that I didn’t send him my new mobile number. He thought I deleted him but no. I did not. We went to Vietnam after Valentine’s day and I was with him for almost 5 or 6 days. That’s where we talked and he said that if we were in the same place we would definitely be dating. I jokingly said “Are you sure?” He said “Definitely. I wouldn’t allow other blokes to have you.” He visited Manila in June 2019. All I know, if ever I want a boyfriend, I’d want the qualities of Araam... or can it be just us? 
Before Araam and I talked back in December 2018, I met Jonathan. Well, I’ve been seeing him in John’s social media because of the French community but we never really talked. Until July 2018. He told me I was beautiful and that maybe I should know. Jonathan and I talked and talked online whether it’s in WhatsApp or in Instagram. He was sweet, compassionate and passionate. He is too emotional though and that it was one voice only... but hearing his voice made me feel calm sometimes. He can sing, act. He is an artist. We made it official August 16. He booked a ticket to Manila on September. I remember the first time I saw him. No butterflies or sparks and flowers. It made me think that the picture I painted in my head when we were apart wasn’t the same as reality. There were off days, there were okay days. I felt like the meanest person because I pushed him away. I hurt him real bad. For his last day, he wanted to talk more and to spend more time with me. But instead, I pushed him away and left... never looking back. We still kept talking and talking. There were times when I would call him in the middle of the night because I’m sad. His voice still calms me. He told me he might go back to Manila and we should meet. I thought it was another chance for us. Maybe I was ready. Maybe our timing was finally right. He came and we never met because of his schedules and mine. He was about to leave the next day and I met him. Apparently, he will just break my heart. Karma, right?
I think one of the factors why Jonathan and I never worked out was because of Hannes. The German Heineken guy. Ever since I gave my resignation in Heineken, he showed more interest in me. I do know he was interested while I was still part of the team but when I was about to resign, that’s when I confirmed it more. He has been the distraction of my life. Giving me mixed signals here and there. I know he have other side chicks but I chose to ignore it. Even when I was with Jonathan, I will still go to Hannes. He is like a drug that I cannot ignore. I wanted more. I knew he was having a thing with another Heineken girl but I can’t be the one to judge or to be angry because we were never exclusive. He was surprised when I showed no signs of anger and jealousy. He made the situation seem like it was nothing to me... like he was nothing to me. Hannes and I can chill at home. He cooks for me and takes good care of me. He is more of the guy who will likely make me stay in more than go out. But don’t be fooled, I know it’s just him hiding who he’s dating. Like I said, he gives mixed signals. One day he is sweet. One day he is not. One day he will be angry for being jealous. Then one day he will say he will date other girls. He is toxic but I seem to like the drama. I like the excitement and that he was jealous when I posted a photo of Fede, his fellow friend in Heineken. We tried to work it out with communication and trust. Trust. What a word. We met after his trip in Germany and my trip in Australia. We tried long distance when he went to Amsterdam. But I can’t. I was in Vietnam with Araam when I started to tell Hannes I can’t do it anymore. He became more lose and more chill. Letting me enjoy time with friends. Sending me sweet messages. He was asking my plans ahead and when can I go to Amsterdam. I felt the pressure because I don’t know if I can even process the visa to Europe. I don’t want to lead it on with false hope and I don’t see we can work it out given the long distance situation. I think it just dawned on me all the pain of betrayal and also the fact that I���ve been blinded with his affection. I ended it... it didn’t end well. He forever hated me.
I’m done dating here and there and going back to square one. Looking back at the guys I’ve met, it’s only a few I remained friends with. Others have left Manila too. I enjoyed my nights with friends. I go out now just to be with them. Go home alone and drunk.Work and play was my daily routine. Then I met Bonnar. Bon was his nickname. Scottish Chivas Brand Ambassador. I was working with Bryan and his meeting was in Nokal with Niccolo. Bryan left and I stayed. I was drinking until I saw Chino and his team together with Bon and Julian (Jameson Brand Ambassador). Chino introduced me like he always introduces me to everyone. I was the Jameson queen. Just in time, it was a Jameson event in Nokal. Chino said of course I would be there because - duh- it was Jameson. Like Araam’s story, I was just there having fun. I didn’t really talk to Bon. I was just having a great time. I left them too. I did my ninja move. I saw that we all followed each other in Instagram. He sent me a message in Instagram that it was nice to meet me and I disappeared all of a sudden (see? like Araam). Then the next day he asked if I was going out. I had to check if I wanted to cause I was tired. I decided to go out still cause my friends are going out. I invited him to join. We pretty hung out and slept together - like literally just sleep. A few days more of hanging out, he mentioned that he really likes me. I was easy to talk to and very chill. There was this one time in Versus where I kinda ignored him and he said that five dudes wanted to fuck me and that I was annoying. He kept dropping hints about exclusivity, mentioning girlfriend, etc. I don’t know if he’s fishing or if he just wants to tone down. What I am afraid of, he is young (25 and I’m 29) and new here in Manila. Also my job required me to relocate here in Iloilo. I am also scared to be the paranoid girlfriend. I don’t handle overthinking well. I have anxiety issues. I don’t want to get hurt. He have some qualities like Araam but the part of socializing with people - I can’t say I am calm like I am with Araam. He explains who he was talking to but I don’t know. I don’t want to lose what I built. I don’t want to be weak. But my friends told me that he also wants to know what I want. What do I want? Am I ready to take it the next step? How? What’s stopping me?
Lol... Stay With You of John Legend just played. 
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jiminshoney · 5 years
Text
Where You Belong (Part 3)
Word Count: 10,773
Warnings: language, cheating, brief mentions of black mirror’s black museum episode (spoiler ig if you haven't seen it?), a cliffhanger, and angst but you knew that
[ tumblrs a jack*ss and links are broken, pls check my blog to catch up on the first three parts ]
Your body betrays you by waking you up agonizingly early, before your alarm has rung and before the sun has even had a chance to rise. The glaring numbers on your phone reveal that it’s barely 5 AM. You groan into the cushions beneath you, frustrated because you have to be at work in three hours and you were just robbed of a potentially meaningful last hour of sleep.
Opening a single eye to look back at the device’s bright screen, you can’t ignore the top notifications which continue to blink and beg for your attention. 15 missed calls and a somewhat impressive 28 unread texts all from Jungkook. It’s more than he sent in the month alone.
Your first thought is to ignore them, you want to ignore him, it’s too early to even think about processing what he has to say or replaying last night’s events. A sharp pain spreads through your chest, stretching until it meets your rib cage where there lies an almost forgotten void. There’s always those few seconds the morning after something terrible has happened, a moment of ignorant bliss, until your mind and heart remember and everything hurts again. The ache reminds you why last night went the way it did.
You don’t know that you can handle whatever he has to say, though you are curious...
Curious if someone who’s still in love and terrified of losing their girlfriend sends 28 texts and calls 15 times. Is that what it meant? Was he scared, desperate, remorseful? Or did he only offer a pathetic apology in twenty-something streams of the word sorry?
Driven by curiosity, you press a thumb to unlock your phone and open all the unread messages from last night.
From: jungkook♥ [5:19 PM]
Y/N
Can we please talk about this?
can you jus t come back please??
From: jungkook♥ [5:21 PM]
hello?
Y/N please answer
From: jungkook♥ [5:22 PM]
please pplease please
From: jungkook♥ [5:27 PM]
Where did you go
????
Im outside just tell me where you are
From: jungkook♥ [5:30 PM]
If not can tou answer?
Please answer the phone
From: jungkook♥ [5:32 PM]
fuck
Hello? Where did you go
Tell me where you are
From: jungkook♥ [5:33 PM]
Its fine if you decide to hate me for the rest of your life btu let me talk to yo about this first
Just give me a chance to explain everything
I mean there is no excuse but i wanna talk about this
From: jungkook♥ [5:35 PM]
pick up!!
From: jungkook♥ [5:37 PM]
I am begging you rn justsay something
Im outside, Please?
From: jungkook♥ [5:40 PM]
If its too soon i get it just  let me see you for a second
If its too soon just tell me
but atleast tell m where you are?
From: jungkook♥ [5:45 PM]
Do you want the apartment? I’ll leave nd get a hotel
From: jungkook♥ [5:50 PM]
???
ffs just let me know you’re safe ok?
Please thats it
From: jungkook♥ [9:36 PM]
I love you y/n. Whenever you see this, you don’t have to call me back jus let me know that you’re somewhere safe alright?
  “You love me? Right.” After a click of your tongue you chuck the phone back onto the table. Out of sight, out of mind, you think with a throw of the blanket over your head.
His messages didn’t offer any relief, all they’ve done is overwhelm and mildly irritate you because he acts as if you at least owe him the status of your location and quite frankly- you don’t owe him shit.
How dare he act worried about you and have the nerve to type out that disingenuous four-letter word like- I know you just found out my coworker sucked my dick but goodnight, love you. The audacity! Why should you have to tell him where you ran off to when he cheated on you and hid it for a week? Oh so well, as one may add, because there hadn’t been a sliver of suspicion. Had Taehyung not even been a factor, would he have ever told you? It’s unlikely and no one will ever know. It’s possible that he may have after much much time had passed, so maybe you’ll possibly tell him that you are in the safe confines of someone-who-actually-loves-you’s home… after much much time, of course.
All of this quickly reminds you that you don’t have any of your things. Your hygiene products, clean work clothes, fresh underwear, makeup, etc. You didn’t even have your purse after abruptly leaving your apartment.
A frustrated groan escapes you because now you must figure out how you’ll properly get ready for work the way you normally do. The last thing you wanted was to go back and run into Jungkook. Some days he left bright and early at 5:30 AM and you can take your chances and hope it’s one of those mornings, but it could just as likely be a day he’s decided to sleep in until 8. His app is finished so he shouldn’t have any standing reason to go in early, if not for the fact that he missed nearly a week of work, so he may. The odds were 50/50, it’s better to not risk it.
There’s also the option to call out of work, to stay in and sulk until an hour that he absolutely couldn’t be home, pack all your things and run away to a small town where nobody knows you until things get better. While tempting, you’re realistic and know that you cannot just uproot your life because you’re sad. The mere thought of having to go out and put on a brave face in front of the world today while you felt broken inside was tiring in itself, but sulking seemed exhausting. It wouldn’t make you feel any better, so you might as well go on like it’s any other work day. You could just shower here, pull your hair in a bun, stop at a Target for clothes and other necessities on the way and everything would be fine. At least you’d be able to busy your mind with something other than the fact the love of your life shit on a three year relationship for another woman no less.
-----
Around 9 AM, your work phone rings loudly against the desk. It sends your heart racing into a frenzy because the only person who ever called was your boss, and she only called for impromptu staff meetings or more specifically- to fire someone.
“Y/N~” To your surprise, the lobby receptionist’s voice sings at your pickup.
“Hyerin, good morning!” You smile, thankful that you aren’t losing your job too.
“You have a guest down here waiting for you.”
“What..?”
Your poor heart doesn’t get a chance to relax, there was only person who came to visit you at work. A person who shouldn't be visiting you right now.
“Mhmm! He brought you coffee~!”
“He?” Your jaw clenches, there could be no way. Jungkook could not be ridiculous enough to show up to your job first thing in the morning. He specifically said he understood if it was too soon for you! Why is he doing this?  “I-- tell him I’m not in today!”
“He would know I’m lying!” Her hushed voice scratches against the receiver, tickling your eardrums uncomfortably.
“Then tell him I’m busy.”
“But he’s being so patient,” She says, her once melodious voice becoming sympathetic. “Shall I have him wait a few minutes?”
“Just tell him I don’t wanna see him, okay?”
“Oh but Y/N! I said he brought you coffee! Don’t be impolite and just come down, okay?”
Her end briefly goes silent before the endless dial tone beeps to indicate she’s hung up before you could utter another excuse. You mentally curse her because her greatest quality is that she’s the kindest person on earth, but her worst quality is that she’s the kindest person on earth and can’t tell unwanted guests to go away. In her defense, she doesn’t know that your boyfriend has been unloyal and you have a very valid reason for not wanting to see him.
On the way downstairs you are fully prepared to pour coffee over Jungkook’s head and curse him out for showing up to your place of work uninvited under the current circumstances. It’s disrespectful and he’s crossing a line by being here, you couldn’t wait to send him on his way. He couldn’t force you to talk if you didn’t want to. Though, that reaction would surely cause a scene. You will instead kindly let him know he’s being unprofessional and ask him to leave.
You practice the words again and again, it’s a must in order to not break the moment you face him. After all, the last time you saw him you were a bawling mess with mascara smearing on your fingertips and telling him you hated him while feeling like you might pass out. You couldn’t be the weak one this time.
Walking down the hall from the elevator your heart is still racing but you feel a sense of confidence even if it’s mild and fake, you’re just ready to get it over with. He’s leaning up against the front desk, distracted in a conversation with Hyerin as you approach. Heart thumping, the back of his head becomes clearer, strands of ash brown hair…
Your feet freeze against the marble flooring, “Taehyung?”
He swiftly turns at the sound of your voice, shoulders visibly relaxing when his eyes land on you. “Hey!” He pauses to turn, grabbing two concealed drinks off the edge of the reception desk, and closing the gap as he walks to you. “You left without saying anything.”
You should feel relieved but your mind and body hadn’t aligned, heart still shaken up over thinking he would be someone else. “Y-yea… I’m sorry. I left you a note, it was really early.”
“Oh! My fault, I didn’t see it. I came to make sure you’re okay.” He quirks a brow, letting you know his statement is indeed a question.
Not well given everything that’s happened, but that’s obvious. It wasn’t lunch time yet so it was possible in a few hours you’d be ready to slam your head into a wall but you’ve survived so far.
“I’m fine, Tae.”
His lips fall to an exaggerated frown, he is unconvinced and unimpressed by your attempt to not even sound dry. “How are you really, Y/N?”
You sigh, he would not be Taehyung if he didn’t at least try to get more from you. “Well… I’ve already cried once at my cubicle, I’m wearing $3 concealer that does nothing for the bags under my eyes, I have a minor headache and I just nearly had a heart attack because I thought you were Jungkook but other than that I’m okay, really.”
“You cried?”
You open your mouth to speak but get caught on an answer. Maybe you shouldn’t have slipped that part out not only because it’s embarrassing but now he’d just worry more than you knew he was. But it’s too late and the confession was made.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
A month or so after Jungkook you’d also gotten a job, specifically the one you had now. Like Jungkook it wasn’t at all what you wanted to do. The first few weeks after graduating were hard, all of the places you really wanted to work just weren’t calling back or would immediately send the dreaded thanks but no thanks email. Your mom had forced you to stop being so nit picky and apply wherever you could, passively sending you links to job openings she would spot online herself. Eventually you scored a job in the corporate world- lucky enough to make a decent amount of money, get home early, and not work weekends. Not so fortunately, you were stuck in some boring entry-level position in a finance department. It was the last thing on earth you wanted to be doing but you’d felt obligated to take it because up until that point your parents were helping with rent and other money related responsibilities.
The only person who really knew how you felt back then was Jungkook. At first you claimed it was different, like you’d said to him then, at least he was doing something related to his dream career. But no, really, he got it. He understood the fear you had of not being able to move away from this, the weight of life’s responsibilities, the overwhelming desire to just do what the hell you were passionate about, he knew it all too well.
On your first day of work he printed one of the hundred-something selfies you two had taken on graduation day and bought a frame for you to prop on your desk. He’d told you not to peak and to assemble it once you got to work, obviously you didn’t and couldn’t resist temptation, and the surprise was a short note he wrote on the back.
Baby, Congrats !!!
I know you’re not excited but I will be excited for you because I’m really proud of you still. You always remind me that bad days are temporary when I complain about work, ha ha, I want to remind you that too. I know nothing is perfect right now, a lot of things suck, but you still have me. I look forward to the future because I still have you. We may not have our dream jobs but we have each other so hopefully we can live our dream life soon. Just hang in there!
I love you more than anything  - Jungkook
You couldn’t stop grinning the first time you’d read it. It was hard to find the words to say to him, hard to express your gratitude and how thankful you were you had him, you could only text him and say I love you so very much and that was enough for him.
Seeing that photo of your younger selves first thing in the morning was aggravating to say the least. You’d immediately slammed the frame down, picking at the back to take the pieces apart, intentions to tear the picture in half. But when you yanked it free from the slot and blue ink came to vision, you paused and read what he’d written less than a year ago. Tears were brimming before you realized. You didn’t have the guts to rip up the picture then, instead you shoved it in one of your drawers to be forgotten until you stumble upon it another day.
Taehyung looks at you worriedly, and it’s the same look he gave you yesterday before he turned your world upside down. A look you can now identify as the I-have-bad-news look.
“I saw Jungkook on my way here.”
“Okay?”
“He asked me if I’d heard from you.”
“Oh God... Taehyung please don’t tell me you told him I spent the night at your place.”
“I told him.”
“Why!? Why would you do that!?”
Hyerin’s only a few feet behind him, so as her head turns and her prying gaze briefly catches your eyes you glance around the two of you quickly, checking that no one else heard your brief outburst.
“I- I didn’t realize- I don’t know? I’m sorry?”
Taking a deep breath in you close your eyes to calm yourself. You don’t mean to yell at him, he hasn’t done anything wrong or gone against verbalized wishes. You know this. You’re just on edge, emotional, and you didn’t want Jungkook to know where you were.
“Is it because it’s me? You didn’t want him to know you were with me?” He asks.
“What? Taehyung, oh my God, no! It’s not about you.” You try not to raise your voice anymore, though you were sure you were probably scowling at him, annoyed with his assumptions.
“Forget I asked.” He’s good at keeping his voice level, manages to not react after you, but you can tell he’s just as annoyed with you when a muscle tenses in his jaw. “Which one do you want?”
He raises the two drinks in his hands, one’s holding a clear plastic cup with dark liquid chilled over ice, and in the other he has a large paper cup, presumably the same dark liquid but hot. It’s a harsh reminder that you’re being snappy with the wrong person. No matter how irritable you were, he didn’t deserve the back end of it. All he did was give to you, even now when you keep being rude to him.
“Tae, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”
“It’s okay.”
“No, I’m sorry. I just got upset because… I’m not ready to talk to Jungkook and I don’t want him knowing where I am.”
“If you’re worried he’s gonna pop up on you, I don’t think it’s like that. He seemed really worried and I think he wanted to know you’re safe.”
Yeah, you think, that’s exactly what he said.
You finally take the hot coffee from his hand, finding a way to divert the conversation away from Jungkook.
“Thank you for this.”
“Of course. I have to leave soon. I’m shooting this guy for his acting portfolio. Then my friend is working a fashion shoot afterwards and invited me to help so I’m not sure when I’ll be done. I wanted to give you this.” With his free hand he reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a shiny gold key. “Just got it copied.”
He smiles widely, giggling as you hesitantly take the key into your own hand. You don’t know why he’s gushing about this but it has butterflies floating in your stomach.
“Is this to your apartment?”
“Where else? I mean- this isn’t me asking you to be my roommate but... I wanted you to have somewhere to go even if I’m not home.”
“Tae! You didn’t need to go copy a whole key I- I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything.”
-----
Taehyung’s apartment is empty when you get there after work, and while it’s not surprising because he did say he had work you still feel disappointed. Leaving work you were eager to get some alone time, but not like this.
All your coworkers actually showed up today, and being that it was the day after New Year’s, everyone wanted to talk about how great their New Year went. The universe was making a mock out of you, you were sure of it. A few of the girls priorly knew about your plans with Jungkook and had hopeful heart eyes as they asked about the cruise, and while the actual night was fine, yesterday was not something you even wanted to think about.
You’d always find a way out, excusing yourself to go make copies or apologizing because “I really need to finish writing this report.” Your sweet coworkers, they understood. Saying, “Right, I need to respond to a few emails” before running back to their own cubicles and leaving you alone. That is until a new question popped in their mind that’d have them strolling back over.
You were the only woman in your office with a standing long-term relationship, they all loved to live vicariously through you while struggling with their own love lives. You knew you’d break their hearts when you’d finally have to tell them the truth. At least for today, you omitted that bit of the story. Not only for their sake, but also for yours. It’s embarrassing to say the least.
You’re not sure yet what it says about you to be someone who got cheated on. Will people wonder what you did to push him that far? Will they pity you? Will they figure you must be a bad girlfriend and did something wrong?
Did you do something wrong?
Making your way to the kitchen you decide to scavenge Taehyung’s fridge for something to eat. Your stomach started grumbling a few hours ago after you made the silly choice of skipping lunch. Looking back, you’re not sure why you did because the persistent headache you’ve had since morning is likely due to the fact that you haven’t ate anything. Unfortunately for you and your pain his fridge is empty of anything edible, only stocked with a carton of milk, a pack of bottled water and a single bottle of wine.
“How do men survive like this?” You mutter, deciding to at least continue to hydrate your organs if you couldn’t feed them. You slump onto a chair at his small dining table thinking, Jungkook’s fridge would also look like that if it weren’t for me.
Across from you, his shiny macbook seems to wave hello, and beyond that you notice his camera bag is on the chair. If his camera is here then he can’t be at a photo shoot right now. Unless his friend told him not to bring it, then again why would you tell a photographer not to bring their camera? It’s possible he’s already been home, but you haven’t a clue where he’d be now.
The laptop shimmers in the light, begging for your attention once more, quietly reminding you about the interesting contents it holds.
“I know.” You grumble aloud. More to yourself because you are aware it’s an inanimate object that can’t actually communicate and it’s your own conscious taunting you. Yes, the pictures, I know.
The tempting voice asks if you’re even a little bit curious, if there’s a small part of you that wants to know what Taehyung saw in Jungkook that night? How he knew it before you, how he knows when he doesn’t even really know. It’s in the pictures like he’d said, and you could easily pass your fingertips over the smooth surface, you could open the lid, you could see for yourself.
But wouldn’t that be an invasion of privacy? Snooping through his laptop while he’s not even here just to see the way Jungkook interacts with some girl feels selfish and wrong. He probably has a lock on there anyway.
Oh but dear, the laptop says, he wanted you to see them after all! You could look through his camera, they might still be there. Taehyung wouldn���t mind at all! You should check!
It’s tempting, you think back, but I don’t know…
Don’t you wanna see the face of the woman who he found room in his heart for?
The words are way too personal, a blatant throw back of Jungkook’s confession. Another reminder that you definitely aren’t talking to a laptop and this is just conflicting dialogue in your own head.
Maybe there is a part of you that wants to know. It’ll probably hurt but you won’t stop wondering if you never look. Even just once.
You move from one seat to the other, placing his bag onto the table carefully. You’re gentle as you pull the Canon from it’s compartment, the weight of it shifting into both palms reminds you that if you do anything wrong your friend just might kill you because this baby costs (literal) thousands.
Thankfully, as the camera comes to life his, presumably, last photo taken appears on the small square screen which means you don’t have to press a million buttons just to find what you’re looking for. You scroll through the first photos, dozens of group shots of people wearing different hot pink garments, wondering briefly what the photo shoot was for. Eventually you land on close up photos of a younger guy, the head shots for Taehyung’s friend, you’re close. Until finally, there’s a photo of an older man and woman holding two thumbs up, the festive backdrop giving away they’re at a holiday party.
This is it.
You take a moment before continuing to scroll, preparing yourself mentally because you aren’t sure when you will finally land on a picture of the two in search, but you will reach them and when you do, you must contain your emotions.
It’s fine, it’ll be fine.
Moving on, you’re slower this time, carefully scanning each passing photo to be sure not to miss Jungkook. The first few ones, or rather last several, are group shots with the same old man as before, until they become more candid.
The first time you spot him, he’s in the background giving some guy a hug.
There’s another photo of him at a table, not alone, but not speaking to anyone. He’s completely unaware that he’s being captured in the background which makes his oblivious doe-like daze a little adorable. He’s so cute, you think. Also oblivious to the smile that’s perked on your lips.
That is until you skip to the next photo and noticeably feel it drop when you finally see her. Somehow, you just know. There’s a second woman in the photo who seems to be talking with her hands, Lia’s smiling and making eye contact, but Jungkook’s eyes are on Lia.
You pass it, moving onto something else. There’s another. This time, they’re the focus of the photo, sitting at a table with another you haven’t met, all engaged in laughter.
You skip a few more, until the next one with them is again in the background. He’s smirking but you can’t see her face because she’s sat at an angle and her hair’s in the way.
The next photo is captured from behind, but you know it’s them because of her red dress and the fact you can recognize Jungkook from any angle by now. One arm around his shoulder and her head leaning into him, what warranted her to come this close?
You pass many, many more photos until you see them again. A posed picture, with the same guy from the laughing one, and like this you can really get a good look at her. You’re not too prideful to admit that she is beautiful and she holds an enticing look in her eyes. Maybe that’s her special feature, but other than that what’s special about her? Past the pretty face and perfect smile, what separates her from you? What was there under her surface? How’d she win over Jungkook?
The next pictures you go through are mostly boring, just photos of everyone at the party eating and conversing. But there’s one common factor in all of them with Lia and Jungkook, he was always looking at her. Most of the time smiling while he did so. And most of that time, she was looking at him too.
There’s something obvious there, that maybe Taehyung also saw, they have a connection. That, even if you hadn’t known him, you would think they had something going on too with all the ridiculous googly eyes. But with that, because you know him, there’s something else you see- That he is absolutely fascinated by her, drawn to her, intrigued. Whatever special thing she possessed, he’s latched onto it and it’s pulled him away from you.
Tears begin to well and you have to set the camera down to wipe them away harshly. It’s annoying, this marks the third time today, and if you let yourself cry now it’ll only worsen your headache into a migraine. You don’t want to cry over him, he doesn’t deserve it. Crying means you care and well, obviously you care. You love him, but he doesn’t deserve that either. Why should you still love him after what he’s done to you?
It’s useless to keep rubbing your eyes, your knuckles pointlessly tug the skin just for them to become wet again. You didn’t want to cry but your body was intent on releasing it’s frustration.
It’s not fair that after so much time together this other person just gets to come in and move his heart- quite literally, like he said, making room inside of it. It’s not fair that just two months ago he said to you he couldn’t see himself with anybody else just to fall for another girl who knows how long after. Maybe it’d happened before he even said it. The fact that he was willing to explore how he felt about her should’ve been a dead giveaway that he was in denial at the time. Maybe you were too.
Could it be that she’s the reason your relationship spiraled in the first place? After he started work that’s when the distance between you two started to extend. There were a lot of other things you thought it could be. You thought he was depressed over the new job, closed off from you because he was closed off to the world. And at the time, you tried your best to be the optimistic one.  You tried to lift his spirits and be encouraging but maybe it wasn’t enough. Where did you go wrong? Where did you fail at making him happy?
Why weren’t you enough?
You desperately want to know what it is about her- what is it that Lia has and you don’t?
Is it all because he felt you weren’t reciprocating his efforts to fix things? Maybe you didn’t try hard enough. You should’ve done more- you should’ve been more affectionate and caring. You should’ve loved him better.
You flinch at the soft thud of the door closing, jumping out of your seat because it’s startled you. It’s just Taehyung, standing there silently with a harsh expression of worry.
“You were crying.” He says plainly, a hint of guilt in his tone.
“No.” You lie, wiping your face once more and forcing a laugh.
He shakes his head as he makes his way to you, setting a white to-go box on the table before standing in front of you.
“You think I’m stupid? Your eyes are red.” His voice is unnecessarily gentle as he cups your face in both hands, thumbs wiping away left over traces of tears. The sound of his voice alone makes your entire chest warm- you hate it. “Also, I saw you.”
“I’m fine.” You push his hands away because his affections are way too much for your weakened heart to handle. He seems displeased. “What’d you get?”
He glances at the table and then back to you. The pierce of his brown eyes makes your lungs constrict, even his gaze is difficult to hold.
“Fried chicken. You saw the pictures?”
“O- y-yea…” You force yourself to look away- if you breathe properly maybe you can talk without sounding like a moron. “I’m really sorry for going through your things I just got curious and I shouldn’t have but that’s-”
“It’s okay, Y/n.” He assures you, “Are you okay?”
Your mouth forms to say yes and he already knows the lie to come, fixing his question before you can.
“I mean you’re not okay. I’m asking if you wanna talk about it.”
“It’s okay.” There were too many layers to uncover, between your emotions and the pictures and your anniversary and what really happened at that party, “It’s a lot.”
He shrugs at your words like they don’t matter, “I’ve got some time. And I’ve got food.”
“Tae-”
“Tell me what’s on your mind.”
“I’m just confused. But I don’t want to ramble and get upset.”
“Why are you confused?”
“I just… I don’t understand Jungkook. I don’t understand why he likes that girl. I don’t understand why I wasn’t good enough.  I don’t understand why he was so good to me if there was someone else, even after what happened, all the way until I found that he fucking let her-” You stop there, unsure what words to use to explain what happened other than the disgusting frank description that was there in your mind. Your stomach was already churning, you couldn’t say it.
“He let her…?”
“They… you know…” You vaguely wave your hands between your bodies, back and forth from the direction of your mouth to his crotch, hoping he caught on to the innuendo and wouldn’t force you to be explicit. He’d already successfully tricked in you into saying more than you originally wanted to.
“Ahh, wow um…” Surprised, he understands, but uncertain with himself if that’s really what you meant. If only he knew just how bad it gets.
“Yes, and I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Alright, alright.” He holds his hands up defensively, letting the topic go at once.
At some point over the last few months he’d stopped being passive and tried harder to pry information out of you when you were being closed off. Not too forcefully, but it was silently appreciated. You’d become grateful for his willingness to listen to whatever was weighing on your mind no matter the topic, it was always followed with thoughtful responses and advice. Now though, it’s a bit more frustrating. Something about this was different. This was not something that was easy to open up about and you wished he would say OK and let it be.
You know there’s an elephant in the room and at some point the healthy thing to do will be talking about it and having that conversation with him, your closest friend, but today wasn’t it.
He makes his way to the farthest side of the table, “Well, I’ll have to eat dinner with you quickly because I have to go check on a tenant downstairs. Their heater isn’t working and as you can imagine in the middle of winter they aren’t happy about it.”
“If you have business to take care of it’s fine. I need to go back to my apartment anyway to grab some things before Jungkook gets home and then find a hotel somewhere.”
“You’re being ridiculous, you don’t need a hotel. And you should at least eat first.”
“It’s okay, I’m not hungry.” Your prolonged headache would beg to differ but you didn’t have much of an appetite anymore. You’re not sure how to respond to his first remark because it’s obvious you don’t have anywhere else to stay. You’d stay here, but only if he offered. You weren’t going to ask since you had no plan and it’d be quite the favor to ask someone to crash at their place for an indefinite period of time. “Ah, also, I don’t have my key… would you mind helping me get in?”
“Not at all.” A moment of silence drags on for a minute too long as he stares at you sadly, worrying his bottom lip, until he speaks up again. “You sure you don’t want to eat something?”
“I’m sure.”
With that, he heads over to the cabinet below the kitchen sink and pulls out of a bulky rectangular safe. Upon unlocking it there’s nearly a hundred keys organized on rows of hooks- a key to every room in the entire complex. He plucks yours straight from the center and then begins to count towards the bottom before he pulls another one.
After locking everything back up and putting it in it’s discreet place he places the keys in your hands silently. One reads 503, the other 705.
“What is this?”
“There’s a furnished room on the top floor. It’s clean, it’s got running water and it’s all yours.”
“Huh?”
“We only use it for tours because it has extra square footage compared to the other one bedrooms- don’t tell anybody that. Also, please do not lose these because if Mr.Lee finds out I’m doing this-”
“I understand!” You sputter, gripping the cold metal tightly. “Thank you, Taehyung.”
He beams at you, “It’s no problem. You still have a key here so don’t feel like you’re not welcome to visit.”
To visit, right, not to stay.
You weren’t going to ask him, no, but you do feel disappointed that he hadn’t offered. And maybe that’s selfish of you to think considering he’s risking his job just to offer you a private place of comfort and here you are wondering why you can’t stay with him.
You can’t help but feel this is his subtle way of getting rid of you, which is fair, your moodiness is probably annoying. Still, he’s being nothing but kind and going out of his way for you, and yet for some reason it’s all making you sad.
-----
It’s been exactly 10 days since you’ve seen Jungkook, which is impressive considering you both return home to the same complex every day and have yet to cross paths. For the first time ever you were thankful for the difference in your schedules, by now assuming that he was likely back to his usual 10 AM to 6 PM shift and that’s why you two hadn’t. But, you’d be a liar if you said you didn’t wish to see him every day.
There were countless times you had to stop yourself from calling him, thinking I just want to see how he’s doing. In the morning, on the way to work, in the evening, on the train, at night- especially at night, especially when you had to lay in bed alone. Other times you instinctively pressed for 5 on the elevator, only remembering you were on the wrong level when the doors opened to familiarity, you would consider for a moment getting off and just going back home, but deep down you knew better than to make that mistake. Your self control was also impressive.
In your own defense, your moments of weakness were absolutely valid, you two had been inseparable since that first day of sophomore year over three years ago, you never went more than two days without seeing each other. Well, that’s not entirely true. There was the winter break before you started dating, and his family’s week long vacation two summers ago, but you still talked every day so it’s not the same.
This last year in particular your lives were built around each other- you freaking moved in together. Every day for a year you woke up and he was there, you went to sleep and he was there, right next to you. Even your body knew that something was missing as it tossed and turned at night, falling asleep had become difficult. Unless you cried, but you tried to minimize that to every other day.
The spacious apartment did not help your loneliness either, you tried to find comfort and treat it like a get away, but really it was unfamiliar and lacked personal touch. You didn’t even feel like a guest in someone else’s home, the space felt outside of reality, outside of your norm.
The only time things didn’t feel so odd were when you were with Taehyung. In his space he provided the consistent comfort you craved. The only problem was that the past week just so happened to be a week he was packed with gig after gig after gig. He’d been very busy with his photography and while he did his best to call you throughout the days and make sure you were simply surviving, the physical time you spent together had dwindled down significantly. Another hard pill to swallow since you’d gotten used to seeing him every day too.
Your loneliness was becoming suffocating.
Thankfully tonight some of the girls from your job made dinner plans that you were included in, which turned into an impromptu trip to a nearby karaoke bar afterwards. It was a nice break away from your usual routine to go out and spend time with friends rather than sitting inside alone on a Friday night. It was also the most you’d laughed all week.
Your plan for when you got back to the apartment complex was to go straight inside, change out of your work clothes, quickly go through your bedtime routine before your mind had a chance to start wandering through every reason you had to be sad, and go to sleep. That all becomes impossible the second you step into 705 and are welcomed by it’s freezing cold draft, it feels like you’ve just stepped back outside into the winter night.
The thermostat claims the heat is on, set to 70 degrees, but the current indoor temperature reads as 42 degrees fahrenheit.
“Jesus Christ, not me.” You groan at the ceiling, letting your bag thump to the ground before bending over to fish for your cell phone.
To: Tae [9:42 PM]
Please tell me you’re home :(
You hold the phone in your hand for a few minutes, waiting for his message to pop up on the screen but his reply is not immediate. You begin to worry because he’s typically a quick responder as long as he’s not working, and though it’s late maybe he was still at a shoot, or he also decided to go out tonight. Either way, you’d have to figure out what to do because there was no way you could sleep in this place tonight.
From: Tae [9:47 PM]
I’m here
Sorry about that I was making tea
what’s up angel?
A-Angel?
You’re not sure that he’s ever called you that before and don’t know where it’s come from and your face may be heating up at the pet name but there’s more important matters at hand.
To: Tae [9:48 PM]
Uhh hate to bother you but… I think the heaters broken
 From: Tae [9:48 PM]
Nooo You’re the third person this week :(
From: Tae [9:49 PM]
I’m sorry, do you wanna sleep here?
Do you even have to ask?
---
When you arrive downstairs moments later he welcomes you in with a tight hug, as if it’s been months since he’s seen you but it’s only been three days. Regardless, the affection is much needed as you’ve been deprived of all physical forms, you feel yourself wanting to reach back out as he pulls away.
“I still have hot water, do you want me to make you some tea?”
“Hm, I’m okay, but thank you.” You were still fairly stuffed from dinner and the several virgin margaritas you enjoyed during karaoke.
Leaving your bags in the living room, you follow his path into the kitchen. Sure enough, there’s a kettle on the counter next to a small box and mug, he moves quickly to clean up the small mess and put things back into their place.
“Well since you’re here, do you want to watch a movie or anything? I think there’s a new episode of that weird sci-fi show you like.”
“First of all if you’re talking about Black Mirror, it’s not weird, but yes there’s a new interactive movie.”
He glances back to roll his eyes at you before dusting scraps into the trash bin. “You made me watch an episode where they trapped someone’s consciousness into a teddy bear… it’s a little weird.”
“There was so much to take away from that episode and that’s still all you talk about!”
When season four had first come out, you and Jungkook nearly finished it within a week, but life got in the way and you never got a chance to finish. One day you decided to just complete the season without him and enjoy the finale with Taehyung who’d never seen the show. You thought it’d be fun, thinking he’d provide insightful commentary, instead, he couldn’t get passed how cruel it was a character couldn’t express sadness beyond “Monkey needs a hug.”
“Would you rather talk about the guy who literally got off on murdering someone?”
“He-- no, please.”
He’s smiling as he walks back over to you and you can’t help but giggle because okay it is kind of weird and maybe you should’ve chosen a different episode to introduce him to but it was still really good!
“I’ll let you show me another episode, preferably one less dark.”
For whatever reason, he pulls your head against his chest to rest his own atop yours and wraps you back into his warmth. This time your heart immediately starts to race, nervous about the random affection, though your arms don’t hesitate to wrap around him either.
“It’s okay, I actually just wanna go to sleep.”
“Oh… okay...” He holds you tighter, sounding a bit disappointed.
You squeeze him back, a way of silently apologizing. You expect him to pull away then, but he doesn't, and neither do you because even with a jumping heart being like this was too comfortable. He was always so warm, and so cuddly, and his clothes always smelled like lavender. Which would confuse your brain at first when you’d get a whiff of him, the light fragrance so contrasting to that of your favorite- a warm blend of citrus notes and amber on Jungkook- but you also adored whatever floral fabric softener Taehyung used because you found it calming. In fact, you could stand here forever because the combination of all he had to offer was that relaxing. So relaxing that you can’t help but ask-
“Tae…” You release your hold so that you can step back and look at him but he doesn’t let you go, only slides his hands to the lower part of your back providing enough space for eye contact, responding with a yes? “Can I… sleep in your bed tonight?”
“I guess so? I don’t mind taking the couch.”
“No, I mean, with you.”
“Uh-” You catch the way his eyebrows almost raise with widening eyes before he can stop the reaction. You worry about the implications of your words.
“Unless it’s weird. Is that weird? I’m sorry.”
“No!” His hands abruptly fall away, swiping at the back of high thighs as he creates room between you two. “Not at all, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m- it’s just hard sleeping alone, you know?”
“Y-yeah, it’s alright.”
Not long afterwards, after you both had changed and freshened up, you found yourself sitting up in Taehyung’s bed with your back against the wall. It seems silly to you now that you’ve never slept together let alone even stepped foot in his bedroom. But before all this, things were different, and even though you’re only friends it definitely would’ve been inappropriate taking all things into consideration- Taehyung’s feelings, your relationship, maybe even your fleeting non-platonic thoughts about him.
Now, you don’t question it too much, it’s not inappropriate or weird. You’re the only one making it a little weird because you keep thinking about the fact that Taehyung still likes you, or at least you assume so, and that he could use this opportunity to make a move on you. Deep down you know he would never, he’s too respectable for that. Maybe you’d let him- ONLY because you’re vulnerable! He knows that. Which is why he shouldn’t, he’d be taking advantage of that. He won’t, but you still wonder if he will. Even as he rambles on about the earl grey tea his mom bought from Europe, a small yet very expensive Christmas present. There’s a reason why this French tea company is so special, but you wouldn’t know because see, you’re being weird.
How Jungkook would feel about all of this? What’s he up to anyway?
“Y/N? Are you listening to me?”
You’re startled by the sound of your name, but you nod furiously. “Of course, Tae. You were saying your mom and… amazing French company, great story!”
He shakes his head disapprovingly, “That’s how I know you weren’t paying attention. My mom bought the tea in France but it’s a Singaporean company!”
“Oh, see! I was close! I just missed that one little tidbit.”
He squints his eyes at you, knowing you’re telling a tale. Letting out an exaggerated sigh he rotates on his side to face you and props his elbow to rest his head in his palm. “Alright, what’s wrong? Spill the tea. No pun intended.”
“I know you’ll think I’m an idiot but I’m gonna say it. I miss Jungkook.”
“No I won’t!” He sits up fully in bed, seeing that the thoughts that plague you are deeper than he anticipated. He mirrors your image, crossing his legs before reaching to hold both your hands. “First of all you’re not an idiot and I would never think so little of you. It’s okay if you miss Jungkook, it’s expected. You don’t just forget about someone you love overnight or even within a week.”
Was that true, though?
“Why not? He did.”
Whether in the blink of an eye or months before you realized, he’d forgotten about you, forgotten what you meant to him, forgotten what you two had. Or is it that he didn’t love you anymore and that’s what made you so easy to forget?
“Didn’t I already tell you he’s a dumbass?” He grins, but you can’t find it in you to laugh, the insult doesn’t even make you feel the slightest bit better.
He sighs, rubbing his thumbs over the back of your hands. “Can I ask you something?”
You nod.
“Do you want to save your relationship?”
Your hands pull away, not because of him, but almost as if to brace yourself for the weight of reality as you press them into the bed on either side of you. You hadn’t really thought about that, your thought process never got that far. Would Jungkook even want that?
“I don’t know that it's possible. Jungkook told me he likes Lia, and if that’s true, then it’s serious. He isn’t easily swayed by pretty faces.”
Taehyung snorts, “Who said anything about her being pretty?”
Your arch a brow at him, unsure if he’s trying to insinuate something. “Well I saw her, she is pretty but… that’s just it, that's not the point. He actually needs to get to know someone if he’s gonna pursue them. I told you before how in college there were so many girls interested in him and he didn't like any of them. Not even me. Not until he knew me.”
“And now he likes her…”
“Exactly.”
“But that’s not what I asked. Put him aside for a moment and stop thinking about what he feels. What is it that you want?” He asks, pressing a finger into your knee.
What I want? That is still a lot to consider. A lot that you haven’t gone over. You’ve only focused on the current distance between the two of you, and keeping it that way until you felt strong enough to face him. You’ve only gone through past memories, you hadn’t thought of what the future held nor what you wanted it to.
“I don’t know, Tae. It sounds ridiculous but I can’t envision my life without him. The idea of going back to him feels daunting because I don’t know how to forgive him for what he did or how to trust him after this. Or even, how I could allow myself to love him. I don’t have answers but it’s like if I don’t then what? Where do I go and who do I become?”
“You don’t become anyone, if not just a better version of yourself. You don’t need him to have a complete identity.”
“That’s easy for you to say-”
“I know it’s easy for me to say,” His rebuttal is sharp, almost defensive. “No I didn’t just spend the last three years of my life with someone just for them to shit all over our history, but I’m right. You were somebody long before you even met him and you will still be somebody without him, if you choose to let him go.”
“I know that, but it’s not just easy for me to say, okay, bye Jungkook, and go on and be content with being alone.”
“You think you’d be alone?”
“Well, yes?”
It all circles back to what you first said, you can’t envision life without him. Even if you try, there’s nothing there, you, but nothing more. Maybe that should be enough, but that blank image in your mind feels empty, life would be lackluster and dull, something would always be missing.
“That’s not true.” He looks down for a moment, finding a loose string on his comforter to tug on. “You have me.”
At that, and as his eyes finds yours, the air in the room starts to thicken. The statement feels too direct. You know he means that as a reminder of his loyal friendship, you know it’s his way of saying hey I’m here, but it feels like something more.
“As long as I’m alive, you’ll always have me.”
“Hm, like forever.” Your own gaze slips away this time, unable to stop yourself from chuckling at the boundless promise of his words. An older version of you may have believed him, a version of you that believes love is timeless, the version of you with a committed boyfriend. You want to believe him because Taehyung is honest, he wouldn’t say it if he didn’t mean it. But words like this have been spoken truthfully to you before and look where it’s brought you.
“Jungkook and I are not the same.” It’s almost embarrassing how well Taehyung knows you, how spot on he is about what you’re thinking. “There was a point in time Jungkook couldn’t even see you, he didn’t see you then and he doesn’t see you now. Me?” He stops himself, you can tell by his tone that he knows he’s crossing a line again, about to walk past usual boundaries, about to say something he couldn’t have said before today, but he says it anyway. “The way I’ve felt about you has never changed. Every day I still feel what I felt the day I first met you… Even when you’ve confused me, even when you’ve cursed me, even when you’ve pushed me away, even when you defined the line in the sand and made it clear we could never be more than friends, even when you don’t see me… I feel it. So yes, like forever.”
You’re too afraid to look at him because you think you might crack the way you once had months ago, when a flood of emotion for him overtook you, when you considered giving into him.
“And I’m not asking you to- I’m not saying anything other than I’ve come with you this far and… whatever you do, nothing's gonna change.”
You have no words for him, nothing coherent, at least for now. You nearly throw yourself at him, sprouting up from your position on the left side of the bed to wrap your arms around his neck. He reacts quickly, thankfully, because as he falls sideways onto the mattress with a huff you realize you could’ve sent him tumbling backwards to the floor which would’ve been bad for the both of you.
You feel the soft laughter rumble beneath his chest as he tightens his hold around you, “Thank you?”
You’re overwhelmed with both gratitude and frustration, so much so that you think you could cry. How did you get so damn lucky to have this man in your life? It wasn’t fair. Logically, and karmically, it was not fair. Even as he said and listed reasons he’s had to pull back, to change his mind, to drop you, he hasn’t. He genuinely loves and supports you unconditionally and you don’t know how the hell that happened or why but there’s one thing you are certain of.
You are more than lucky, you are blessed to have Taehyung. And you hope that this friendship is eternal because you can’t imagine having to lose him too.
----
“Do you remember the first time we ate here?”
“Of course I do.”
You’d spent the first half of your Saturday lounging in bed, or rather Taehyung’s bed, all by yourself because he’d had an early morning shoot for… something you don’t remember because you were half asleep when he’d said. You’d stayed that way for a while, grumpily, because you were starving and too lazy to go out and eat and too stubborn to order delivery. By lunch time when your hunger hit peak aggravation you sent him a very aggressive text message in all caps to PLEASE BUY SOME FUCKING GROCERIES YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE BREAD. He promptly responded with a slew of laughing emojis, then letting you know he was already ten minutes away and to meet him downstairs.
He’d taken you the short walk to the taco truck around the corner, the very first place you hung out, a very telling choice after what he said last night.
“You never did thank me for showing you the best taco place in town.” He flicks at his bangs dramatically, turning a shoulder to you in faux offense.
“That’s because it’s not. I mean, it’s good but my favorite is this restaurant up north.”
“Why have you never taken me then?”
“They closed down last summer.”
“Must not have been too good.” He looks at you pointedly, flicking at his silky strands once more. You raise a fist, pretending like you might hit him, though you’re laughing at his obnoxiousness.
“I promise, you would’ve loved it.”
Just then, a lady pokes her head out from the wide window, calling your name for your order. Taehyung is first to run over and grab the small bag, though you take it back from him, offering to carry it on the walk back.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“What was your first impression of me?”
“Oh…” His question comes as a surprise, but you don’t think much of it, reflecting back to the day last spring. The very first time you met. “I thought you were very polite.”
“What about the first time we ate back there?”
“Well,” That question takes a little bit more digging. You have to remember the things you talked about that night, how you felt, how he seemed. “You seemed so… so… normal. Like, before that, I guess I kind of put you on a pedestal, I don’t know. You just seemed so composed and confident and like you had everything together but then we talked and you opened up to me and it was like ah, we’re not so different. It was refreshing.”
You look over to him and smile, he smiles, but he keeps his gaze towards to concrete as you continue up the block.
“Why do you ask? What was your first impression of me?”
“That you were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen.”
You instantly stop in your tracks, it takes him a second to register but when he does the balls of his feet scratch against the gravel as he turns around.
“Stop it.” You say, squinting your eyes suspiciously at him because why is he trying to flirt and joke around right now it’s making me blush! “Tell me.”
“That’s it?” Even his eyes frown at you, confused why you won’t accept his answer.
You roll your eyes and push past him, taking a right at the corner as you continued ahead. His legs are long so it doesn’t take anything of him to catch up, and he asks why you don’t believe him.
“I thought you were attractive but I gave you a better answer than that.”
“Wait-” He takes a few skips to jump in front of you, forcing you to come to another stop as he blocks the way. “You thought I was attractive?”
“What? I said you were handsome.”
“No, you said attractive.” He says, wiggling his eyebrows.
Oh my God, did I?
“I- it doesn’t matter, it’s basically the same thing.”
You step right, he steps left, you step left, he steps right, refusing to let you go around while he dons a ridiculous smirk that you try really hard not to look at.
“What!”
“Don’t you wanna know my first impression?”
“...yes.”
“Don’t judge me.” He points a finger at you, waiting on your nod before he continues, tucking his hand back into his coat pocket. “When we were standing in the elevator together, my heart was beating so fast because I was so nervous, but I thought you were mean! You kept giving me short answers and you glared at me when I was just trying to be helpful!”
“Come on, you asked me where I lived, give me a break.”
He giggles, “I was just nervous and talking out of order. But then you relaxed after I told you who I was, and you even laughed at something I said and…”
“And…?”
“I felt really warm. My heart, my insides,” One hand moves from the left side of his chest then down to his abdomen. You can see that he hesitates, biting on the corner of his lip nervously, but he looks back to you and sees the harsh expression on your face. “It’s stupid.” He forces a laugh and continues to walk home. You’re only about 10 yards away, the front entrance is visible not far beyond him.
He’s misread your reaction, misunderstood your furrowed expression. You weren’t frowning at him because of judgement or because you thought it was stupid, you were frowning out of pure confusion because he’d described the same feeling he’s given to you.
And it was so simple, such a simple feeling, a simple word. But, warm, yes, you understood. You felt it too that very first day, you felt it the first time you hung out. You feel it when he looks at you, when he talks, when he hugs you, just being next to him in itself was like sitting by a fire. You were never sure what it was or what it meant, you never looked too much into it, but if the sentiment was mutual shouldn’t you tell him you feel it too?
You run ahead to catch up, he’s still standing outside the door, presumably waiting for you to go inside.
Taehyung had said before that you always know what to say, but you disagree. Maybe when it comes to uplifting others kind words come naturally, but you aren’t good with words themself, at least not when it comes to sharing and expressing your emotions.
That is precisely why you cup his face into your hands as he turns to you, unbothered by the tacos that get smushed somewhere between your arm and his chest, raising onto the balls of your feet and pulling him down the distance you couldn’t close to press your lips into his.
You’re not entirely sure why you’re kissing Taehyung, or rather you can’t explain why. It’s impulsive but it feels right as that familiar feeling overtakes your entire chest, replacing the vacant ache you’d grown accustomed to over the last week and a half and overwhelming you with so much desire for more. And at first, he gives in to you. His gentle hands find your hips, head turning as his mouth opens in sync with yours to deepen the kiss.
In that moment you place words on the purpose. Kissing him said way more than your grateful hugs ever could, and that was all you’d done before. But this wasn’t even about saying thank you, this was about admitting that maybe you felt the exact same way. This was easier than facing the fact that there really was no reason to keep suppressing your emotions. But then he abruptly pulls away, eyes wide as he sounds frightened when he says your name.
Your heart sinks because he’s looking at you like you’ve just done something you should not have done. Heat creeps up over your ears, this time because you’re actually uncomfortable, completely embarrassed because maybe you just made a mistake.
Your open your mouth to say something but nothing comes out, stuck on shock, you don’t know how to even begin saying sorry.
“Jungkook is inside.”
Wait… what?
If you couldn’t speak before, you definitely couldn’t now as all the air escapes your lungs, frozen and unable to breathe. You want to believe that you heard him wrong, or that he didn’t even say Jungkook’s name. But you’re too terrified to even look and confirm. You still aren’t ready, you don’t know what feelings will come up just by seeing him. Worst of all, you don’t know if Jungkook just watched you kiss Taehyung and you cringe at the thought.
You look right, and sure enough, on the other side of the clear glass Jungkook stands there just feet away looking right at you. The way your heart picks up speed is almost painful, you can tell by the disgruntled look on his face he’s seen everything.
TBC
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nancydrew65 · 5 years
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SKAM Austin Season 2 Episode 8 Thoughts
Well, the tone of this shifts dramatically during my reaction to the last clip of this episode. I am so tired of getting my hopes up for a remake to change problematic scenes from OG and then redoing them exactly the same. It is exhausting and just hurts.
Pretty Easy
Grace is taking her SAT! I couldn’t tell if she was on the section with all the bubbled in answers or if she was on the second section and hadn’t put in any answers. I mean, even if it was the second option, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Luckily, you can take the SAT as many times as you like.
This clip really resonated with me because I was also taking the SAT at the exact same time Grace was. One of those days where the clip matches up exactly with your life.
That effect where Grace got a flashback to Clay when Kelsey touched her shoulder was really cool. But I wished they had also had it in that clip with Daniel earlier in the week, for consistency.
Kelsey is just blabbing on and Grace could not be more uninterested. This clip really serves to highlight Grace’s disconnect from the world around her. I wish Kelsey noticed how badly Grace is doing; unfortunately, all she comments on is how she thought Grace was avoiding her because of the whole Daniel situation. I feel like the past two weeks has been me screaming at my screen for Grace to tell the girls.
Not Tired
It is 3 in the morning and Grace cannot sleep at all. She pulls out her to-do list and goddamn are there a lot of things on there. She’s had to deal with that long-ass list plus possibly being sexually assaulted?? How is she surviving?
So, Grace gets the wonderful (crazy) idea of organizing the kitchen. At some point Eve walks in, wondering what the hell is going on. She tries to persuade Grace to go back to bed, but when that doesn’t work, she pitches in to help Grace, humming a little song.
I think this is my favorite scene with Eve so far in the show. In other clips, she has kind of been annoying or a little rude, even when she was trying to offer help. But in this scene, she is calm and realizing that clearly something is wrong with Grace, does not push her to talk, but just helps her.
Too Extra
Ooh, I have the same sweater as Grace except mine is more of a mustard color! Wow, I’ve been really syncing up with Grace this episode.
Grace once again finds a way to avoid Daniel and goes to sit with the girls. I actually found the scene with her and Daniel interesting because she is not really paying attention to what he is saying and just going along with it. But then he calls her out on it, saying she doesn’t seem like her normal self and we see her trying to correct her response, in an imitation of how she usually is. One of the saddest scenes her I think because it is such a subtle way of showing her trauma.
Oof, Grace bumps into Shay and Shay goes off on her. It is obvious Shay is taking out her anger towards Megan onto Grace. Tyler is a decent dude and pulls Shay away before anything more can happen.
The girls discuss Jo’s love life and support her bold message to the guys she’s been talking to online. Go, Jo!
Then, the conversation turns to Prom. All the girls are confident that Zoya will be elected to Prom court, but Zoya has reservations.
Then Hunter comes walking up. Apparently he told Zoya he would beat up whoever wrote “terrorist” on her locker. The girls encourage Zoya to ask him to Prom. I am still suspicious of Hunter. His first line has never left my mind. If he hadn’t made such a rude statement (I know it was supposed to be a joke, but still…) then I could probably get behind him.
I am so glad they are addressing Ramadan!! Last year, none of the remakes mentioned Ramadan even though multiple remakes were airing at this same time. This year all the remakes have stepped up their game. SKAM Austin, DRUCK, SKAM España, and SKAM NL have all mentioned Ramadan.
Aw, and Grace can’t handle the talk anymore and walks away.
Night
Grace wakes up at one in the morning from a nightmare, I suppose, or perhaps a flashback. Instead of trying to go back to sleep, she starts writing her submission for the essay competition.
Day
Grace is on a writing streak! She is pounding out that essay like there’s no tomorrow. She has written sufficiently more than Noora wrote. Given that we also didn’t get a scene of Daniel writing on the computer, I’m guessing she will write the essay all by herself? I hope so!
Daniel stops by Grace’s house with soup. OK, that is really sweet. I know I am hard on him, but Daniel has been very kind and supportive these past few weeks. I only hope he continues to be once he finds out what happened.
Grace looks like a cornered animal when Daniel shows up.
Hmmm, I don’t know how I feel about this scene. I mean, obviously Grace was not doing OK and Daniel being there eventually calmed her down and she was able to get such much needed rest. On the other hand… Grace was literally yelling at Daniel to get out. This is a scene where a young woman is clearly telling a guy to leave her alone and he completely disregards her. And SKAM Austin portrayed this as Daniel knowing what is best for Grace and so him not paying attention to her is alright. In a broader context, this could be a potentially dangerous message to broadcast. It completely disregards the whole “no” means “no” policy. I think maybe if Grace hadn’t been so clear in not wanting him to be there, the scene would have worked for me better? I don’t know. But Kennedy’s acting in this was superb. I felt all her hyper energy and her anxiety.
Not There Yet
The conversation in the bed started out great, and then turned really confusing to me. Grace sounded like she was angry that Daniel had read her essay without her permission, but I guess she actually wasn’t? And Daniel sounded like he didn’t like her essay, but then he commented that he liked her honesty.
Grace says she has to tell him something, but she isn’t quite ready. Daniel calmly accepts that, thank god. And they say “I love you” to each other, aww. Remember that, Daniel, when you fund out what happened.
Something Happened
I let out the breath I had been holding for two weeks when I saw this clip. Grace can finally begin her healing process.
I think adapting this scene to prom dress shopping was really great - especially as it is the perfect segue into talking about sex.
Wow, I really loved how they had that moment with the shopkeeper looking at Jo and Megan, thinking they were going to steal something just because they are Latina. That hits close to home for me, as a Latina. I have been fortunate to avoid many similar experiences because I am white-passing, but that kind of thing happens to my friends all the time and it sucks.
That was a good little scene with Kelsey, talking about how she wants to be strong and beautiful. She really wanted to buy that pantsuit, but when she saw the price tag, she quickly put it back. Nice nod to OG Vilde who struggled with money problems.
I find it sad that Kelsey thinks she won’t have as much fun at the dance, just because she doesn’t have a date! You will have so much fun with your girls, Kelsey! I would rather go to the prom with Megan, Zoya, and Jo than with Daniel.
And Hunter rejected Zoya. Apparently she was too “different” for him, but he was down to hook-up with her. I knew he was an asshole. I love how quickly the girls go to insult him.
Then the conversation turns to sex, Grace starts getting these awful flashbacks and she has to run out of the shop.
I thought this retelling of the scene was very interesting. In OG, Noora kind of drops a bomb on the girls, saying she thinks she was raped. In SKAM Austin, Grace slowly describes the events leading up to the sexual assault and she leaves it very unclear that she might have been raped. I think both scenes worked in their own way. I liked how slow this one was, but it also had its disadvantages, mainly weird cuts to the other girls’ faces where they had no expression because they were just listening. Those shots were so awkward and I kind of wish they had focused on Grace the whole time because Kennedy’s acting in the scene was so heartfelt and beautiful.
I love how the first things out of the girls’ mouths were “It was not your fault”. That is something all sexual assault survivors need to hear.
The girls go to the hospital with Grace and the whole beautiful montage ensues.
Want My Cousin Back
Grace and Eve are watching a movie when Daniel sends a text tp Grace. Eve asks if Grace has told him yet. So, apparently Grace told Eve about her sexual assault off-screen.
Eve being a little detective on Grace’s behalf is wonderful.
Grace seemed so defeated when she talked about not remembering anything beyond the girl’s green nail polish. I can’t imagine being in that situation and not even knowing what happened. It is too awful for words.
Eve’s little pep talk seemed to do the trick to awaken Grace’s spirit. I know I give Eve a hard time, but she has been amazing and supportive in this episode and I really appreciate that.
I loved her comment about how she was going to kick Clay’s ass. I’m like, girl, you are tiny!! But it’s the thought that counts.
Daniel
Well, fuck this.
I didn’t realize how much I had gotten my hopes up for this scene until I watched it last night. Daniel had been very kind to Grace up to this point and was there for her when she was going through her panic attack. Out of all the remakes, this was the one where I thought they might change up his response to finding out about the whole Clay thing. But I was so wrong.
First off, it doesn’t even make sense that Daniel found out because Grace hadn’t even confronted Clay at this point. It was Noora’s confrontation of Niko that prompted him to lie to William. I don’t know why Clay told Daniel right now.
It is so sad because Grace is finally smiling again and hanging out with the girl squad. Daniel just has to ruin everything.
I didn’t know how they could make this scene worse, but somehow they managed to. Grace told him, she fucking TOLD him she blacked out and didn’t know what happened. And he STILL walked away from her and shrugged her off. I can’t tell you how many comments there were on the SKAM Austin website that were along the lines of: “This was better than OG” or “I can’t believe people aren’t trying understand Daniel more”. I am so pissed off now that I can’t even gather my thoughts into something coherent and pointed. So, I am just going to add an excerpt from @lightsandlostbells tumblr post about this same scene in SKAM France that addresses this: “Fuck this narrative that is constantly putting a guy’s boner feels and manpain above the female lead’s agency, rational concerns, and mental health. Fuck this narrative that is constantly encouraging us to empathize and understand an entitled dude’s emotions and actions, including sexism and violence, while the same entitled dude shows little empathy or understanding for a potential rape victim, a girl whose self-image was damaged by him telling her she wasn’t attractive enough, or a girl who rejects him romantically. Fuck the double standards of women having to understand and empathize with men when they are behaving like assholes but men not having to empathize or show compassion to women, including when they are victimized, by putting aside their own feelings for a goddamn minute.” All credit goes to her for this post. If you want to read the whole post it is here: https://lightsandlostbells.tumblr.com/post/174851088104/skam-france-210-and-211-reaction 
General Thoughts
I don’t have any more energy for this. I could comment on all the wonderful things that happened this episode like Grace finally telling the girls, but it is all overshadowed by Daniel’s awful, inexcusable behavior. Sorry, for the rant. Actually, not really. Because I should not have to apologize for commenting on shitty behavior from male leads that is completely unnecessary for the story and straight-up damaging for young viewers to watch and hold up as their ideal love interest. 
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hellholland · 6 years
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A Queen and Her King || Tom Holland x Reader [Part 1][Gang/Assassin AU]
IMPORTANT NOTE: This is my very first action AU, so I apologize for things that seem oddly unrealistic in the crime world. I obviously don’t know much about it. If you have tips or feedback, please message/ask me about it! I created the idea for this fic through a song called Natalie by Bruno Mars, but I also want to credit @hollandroos​ for her fanfiction, Blow A Kiss, Fire A Gun. It was the very first Mob!Tom fanfiction I read (The first AU like that I’d ever read, actually.) and it still inspires me as I hope to continue this series. I hope for this to get better as it goes along. Just so you have the basic knowledge, this is kind of like a Mobster!AU meets Assassin!AU and a lot of wild crossover shit. 
TRIGGER WARNING: Violence, language, guns, knives, suggestive sexual actions, mentions of pedophilia (It’s not any more graphic, it might even be less, than basic horror movies you might’ve seen. The description is mostly about action, not in depth detail of what it looks like. It’s an assassin/gang/mafia AU, so it’s kind of fucked up anyway.)
DISCLAIMER: This story contains content that I am just writing for the sake of the story. I do not condone/support it. Your “character” as the reader, may also do things you personally would not do. Please don’t read if you can’t handle that. THIS DOES NOT ACCURATELY REPRESENT TOM, HIS MORALS OR ANYONE HE’S ASSOCIATED WITH. I’M MERELY USING HIS IMAGE AND A NAME TO CREATE THIS STORY. PLEASE DO NOT EVER TAKE THIS AS AN ACCURATE PORTRAYAL OF TOM. (This is more of a movie in my head, and a character Tom is playing)
I have trigger warnings at the scenes that should need them. Please let me know if there are other subjects that need warnings!
Prologue
As three shrill beeps replaced dialing noises, Tom’s anger skyrocketed. He began to pace and repeatedly clench his fists at an attempt to hold back everything he was feeling. 
 “We’re sorry, you’ve reached a number that is either disconnected or no longer linke-“ Tom spun around and threw the phone, sending it flying into his bedroom wall and crashing to the floor. “Goddamnit!” He sat down on the corner of his bed, staring out through the wall-to-wall glass pane that separated him from the rest of the world. The skyline was a vibrant dark blue, turning to purple and black. 
 Every  dollar in his safe he’d worked his ass off to get was gone. There was no trace, no logical reasoning as to how it got stolen. That safe was one of the most protected vaults in the world.
 Natalie, or Natalia as Tom used to call her endearingly, was gone too. 
Disappeared. No word, no warning. 
 Not only had she cheated on him, she robbed him.
 “Tom, what do you want to do to respond?” His best friend and co-leader Harrison asked, frustration clear in his voice.
 “I don’t fucking know. Nothing yet, we’re too vulnerable. We’ll...need alliances.”
 She took his heart out of his chest and walked all over it, puncturing it with her stiletto heels.
 He found out everything she’d done after she left. Of course the man was riddled with sadness and hurt, but the only feeling he let control him was anger.  
He couldn’t be weak. Not now, not ever. 
 After willingly letting her in and finally bringing his guard down, she wrecked him. You know what everyone says? That Natalie Rose Giovanni can never be overthrown. She’s notorious for the lives she takes and everything in between. That she’s untouchable. But in the end, the greatest revenge is going out and accomplishing what is said to be impossible. And that is exactly what he would do.
 This was personal now.
 Natalie, Europe’s top drug queenpin with a terrifying hidden past, versus Thomas Stanley Holland, the most notorious mafia leader in almost every corner of the northern eastern hemisphere. 
 She took everything he had, even some of his very best men.
 His team.
 His power. 
 His reputation. 
 His empire. 
Soon enough, he was going to take every single bit of it back, even if it meant ruining her fucking life. 
 Even if it meant killing her.          
One
“Hang on,” you giggle softly, looking up at the man in front of you. “Why don’t we go back to your room?” 
 His hands had made their way under your thighs and he had you up against a wall, giving him easy access to touch your body. “We’re not exactly in the most private area of the hotel.”
 “If it gets that dress off you, then that’s fine by me,” he replies, kissing down your neck.
 “Eugene!” You push his hands down and stand straight up, smiling coyly at the millionaire while listening for any instructions in your earpiece.
 “You’re doing good. Get the card to his room and be quick with this, (Y/N). This operation has some complications.” 
 “I’m just telling you how I really feel, Allison.” Of all the names Felix could pick for an undercover op, why choose such a plain one? 
 You slip your hand into his pocket, pulling out the key card and tucking it into your bra, all without breaking eye contact with him. “I’ll meet you there in ten,” you whisper in his ear, running a finger down his chest as you walked away.
 “Fucking pig,” you mutter to the man behind the earpiece, making quick time to the elevator.
“Right?” The man in question is Felix Sternberg, (Known as Judas by his “enemies”) one of the most elite proxy murder directors in the world, or at least the most famous among federal government organizations and operations that do things not commonly associated with the human moral code. (Murder, drug dealing, etc.) He’s one of your newest co-workers. The brains behind your newest weapons, technology and escapes. It’s possible that without him, you would’ve been in a supermax prison by now. 
The most intensely protected in the U.S filled with the worst kind of people imaginable.
 People like you.
 “What’s his deal again?” You ask, shaking your head away from the doubting thoughts that often plagued you. 
“Rape, robbery, embezzling, pedophilia, the usual.” Felix says nonchalantly.
 “God, I cannot wait to shower tonight, that’s disgusting...” 
 “You’re also technically a contract murderer for a living, so I don’t know if you’re one to judge, (Y/N).”
“But I’ve never done shit to kids or forced myself on a person. I only kill people who deserve it.” 
“That last part is debatable, but we’re moving on. Wait for the bellboy in the elevator to leave before going up.”
“Sounds good.” 
The red silk dress draped on your body was apart of the job, a request made by the contract. The person who hired you was actually his wife, Valerie Pence. She wasn’t much better than him when it came to money, but once she found out what he’d done, the decision was easy. There also might’ve been infidelity involved in her reasoning.
She’d informed you that the best way to get to him was probably seduction and that his favorite color was red. The combination of the two would make it easy to get him alone. She took you shopping for the dress herself, an odd way of saying thank you (other than money) for the favor. When you stepped out of the changing room to show her, she simply smiled, but her watering eyes displayed a different emotion.
“You look stunning. This’ll work.” You wonder what her thought process was with hiring you, how their relationship came to be and everything in between. Getting personally involved with clients was a beginner’s mistake, but in some cases it was incredibly hard not to even think about what happened between some duos.
“He’s gone, move fast.” Felix interrupts your recollection, snapping you back to your work.
Eventually, you end up in his room, only stopping for a minute to marvel at the lavish decor and to peek around. White silk sheets dressed the king sized bed, complimenting the other colors in the room. Dark reds, black and grey all combined to give the room a sensual and eerie feeling.
Eugene appears soon after, hastily moving toward you, lust in his eyes. “Hang on, let me just go get something ready okay?” You stopped him, one hand steady on his waist the other over his shoulder.
 “Alright...”
“I want you to wear this, though.” You found some questionable fabric, presumably left behind the last hotel-goer, and started to tie it around his eyes as a blindfold. “Now lay here,” you pushed him down on the bed, a little too roughly, but he didn’t question any of it. 
You enter the bathroom swiftly, the door clicking behind you. 
“Felix, where’s my stuff?” You whisper. 
“Underneath the sink. There’s a silenced pistol. The bag has a change of clothes in it and some sunglasses. Put your hair up, too. I have someone ready to tamper with the security footage, but just in case I want you to try and be very discreet and exit through the fire escape. No one should see since you’re on the back of the building. Your ride will be waiting to take you home.”
“Thanks.” You grab the bag and begin to undress, leaving only your satin gloves on. This replaced the fancy dress and heels with what you could only describe as an outfit straight off if 2015 grunge tumblr, doc martens and all. 
Not the worst, but not the best outfit choice.
“I have one more...treat for you you, Mr. Pence.” You call out through the door, smirking to yourself. 4 sets of handcuffed glistened in the bag, and a gag. 
“Thanks for leaving them in there Felix. Did you put her fingerprints on them?” 
“You’re sadistic, but yes. The police and FBI will likely arrest Kathryn and any of her employees. I planted stuff to lead them to the kids. You’re in the clear but you need to get a move on, even if that includes speeding up your ‘process’.”
Kathryn Moseby, a “friend” of the millionaire. She holds a position in congress. She’s also the ringleader of a pedophilic sex trafficking ring. 
“Like I said, he deserves my ‘process’. They all do. I’m doing the world a favor right now.”
“Whatever you say.” 
 You sigh, plucking the bag off the ground and walking back to the bedroom. “I hope you like your girls dominant, Eugene.” You quickly click the handcuff onto his hand and to the bed frame before he could even respond. His breathing started to become uneasy, but he nodded. 
 “It’s new...but I’ll try.” 
“You don’t have a choice.” You whisper, clicking the second handcuff shut. The other two might’ve been too loose, but they’d restrain him. “Final touches,” you smile, climbing into the bed and almost straddling him. He seems taken aback as you jerk the gag tightly to make sure it stays on. “We don’t want anyone to hear us, now do we?” He shakes his head nervously in response.
 As an extra precaution, you switch on the TV to a music station, turning the volume up just enough to mask loud conversations. “Alright Eugene. Let’s begin.” You pick up the pistol and a small knife, crawling on the bed.
You run your fingers along his chin, feeling less gross about touching him because of the fabric between you two.
“I fawt yoo changfed?” He tries to ask in reaction to feeling the gloves, barely audible or intelligible.
“Oh, I did.” You giggle, removing his mask.
[TW: Violence]
He’s shocked, confused, and now scared. His eyes take in your figure and then the gun in your hand. He starts to panic.
“You didn’t think I was gonna let you off easy, did you?” The knife from earlier now glints menacingly in the soft lighting. “I don’t normally do it this slowly, but you’re a special kind of messed up. We’re all fucked up, especially me, but you, you’re a rapist and a pedophile. A cheater. Kind of the scum of the earth.”
He still wasn’t processing his situation entirely, but his chest was rising and falling rapidly. 
He wasn’t screaming. 
He wasn’t begging.
 Yet. 
You jabbed the knife directly above his knee. Angling it towards the bone. This time, his entire body jerked and he started to yell, but the music drowned out his shouts.
“That was for every child and person you’ve ever touched.” You pulled it out, watching the tears stream from his eyes, then ripped past the buttons on his suit shirt. “And this is for Valerie.” 
You slowly carve the knife into his skin, toward the right side of his stomach. It was a number that you carved. 334. 
“I wonder who my 335th will be?” 
“Hey (Y/N), as much as I enjoy tuning your weird shit out and waiting for you, you need to be fast. Like now. We’re cutting our time too close.” 
“I got it.” You frown sarcastically at the pathetic, convulsing man beneath you. “I’d love to stay and chat, but I have to go.” You pull the knife away, wiping the blood off with your gloves. 
The red contrasts the starch white in a disgustingly satisfying way. You stand up, brandishing the pistol excitedly. His screams are becoming increasingly louder, and more annoying. 
Watching him writhe in pain and desperation filled you with a twisted sense of pride. You keep telling yourself that he deserves it to justify your actions, but there’s still that one ounce of innocence in you that rejects those thoughts. 
Then you remember Valerie’s voice on the other end of the phone when she called, tearfully begging for help. She sounded desperate and sad, not angry.
She just wanted him gone. 
Had she tried to divorce him, she might’ve been endangered. If she turned him in for his crimes, he’d send people after her. 
That’s all you need to get the job done.
“I’ll see you in hell.”
Bang.
Please leave feedback! I will gladly accept civil/kind worded constructive criticism. -Ciel
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caricaturist23 · 5 years
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//Obscurity
They say that fiction has a way of translating into one’s real life, and vice versa. I, for one, like to believe that fiction, or be it any form of storytelling, for that matter, has a way of catharsis about it.
So today, I am going to tell you a story. It might be fiction, it might be real, it might be a biography, or an autobiography. I guess they are all different, but really, what is the difference? A story is nothing more than a story.
There once was a feeling at the back of my mind. This feeling, in all it’s entirety, tried its best to find a way out of the confines of my cranium. It screamed, scratched, clawed, gnawed - tried every way fathomable to escape. But I didn’t let it. Today, I think I realize what it was. It was loneliness. I was alone, even when I was surrounded by people who loved me, people who considered me family.
I know it sounds ungrateful. I know it sounds shallow. But it’s true. I did not realize that this entire time, this voice in my head was calling out your name.
Two years ago, everything changed. Everything changed, and yet nothing really did. They say that when you leave college, the “real” world awaits. But they don’t tell you the power that vices can have on you, the control they can inflict, the sadness they can carry.
I was absorbed by a vice. I took a job right out of college, and I hated every living moment of it. I had no one to share my sadness with, even though I had the entire world to share the burden of it. I guess I didn’t want to share it with anyone but you. But you were so happy. You wouldn’t understand.
You were so happy, and I was a fucking mess.
I didn’t know how to deal with it.
And so, I befriended alcohol. It would always be there, it would always share my sadness. It started with a drink, and ended with a bottle. Every night of the week. It made me feel light, and yet, ironically, I was getting fat.
I was so lonely. I was so sad.
I missed my best friend so much. I was happy that you were happy, I guess.
I hated who I was becoming. I wanted to do something with my life. I wanted to be an artist, a storyteller, maybe both. I guess there was some aspect of me which romanticized the idea of sitting on a beach in the south of France, with a glass of wine and a typewriter, maybe a moleskin, and some shade - writing away, drawing away - people I met, people I dreamed, people that were real, people that weren’t. There were so many stories in me, there had always been. Instead, I was wasting away in a cubicle, working for a company from nine to five, selling solutions to just about anything but my own life. I guess the paycheck was worth it. A few thousands weighed out the tremendous load that often comes with having dreams. Hey, at the very least, I could afford a handle of whiskey.
And so, the nights flew by.
So did the days.
I would want to check on you every now and then, to see how you were doing. I would try calling you, but I couldn’t.
Do you know what it is like, to feel that your own best friend hates your living guts?
To know that the person you would run to, to talk to about your day, your month, the person who once shared your happiest and saddest moments was better off without you in the picture? To know that this person would rather do anything but be associated with you?
You don’t. I hope you never do.
Anyway, back to me. I made some mistakes. I hurt some people. I hurt the friends who were family. I hurt my family. No one liked to associate with me at one point in time. Where had it all gone wrong? If I try to pinpoint one particular instance where it all started to go downhill, I seem to be at a loss for words. Because there isn’t any. It was slow - the process, but it was steady as hell.
They say that you should savor the day. Seize it. Carpe the fucking diem. Enjoy your moments, because they are fleeting, and cherish the ones you love. They tell you to count your blessings and they tell you to be thankful. I tried. I really did.
Everything changed last year. The color came back into my life. I could see again. I had everything I had ever wanted, and I took it for granted, yet again. I hurt this color, the way I hurt everyone close to me. I lied to this color. The color, which had changed my black and white world to something I could care about, to something of vibrance and life - I hid my past from it.
I did not want the color to know how black and white my world had become. How drained I had become, how tired, how many people I had hurt, and how lonely I was. I did not want to blame anyone but me. Not even my friend, the bottle, or my friend loneliness. I wanted to appear just as colorful as I had been before the color had left my life.
I did not do right by my color, and for that, I am sorry. I am sorry to everyone and everything that I hurt. I thought I had stripped away that former self, and I thought that if I never spoke about him, he would never come back. But he was waiting. He was still inside, and he had grown stronger. He lingered. The claws of his prior existence were embedded far too deep within my soul to leave so easily.
He had vowed to return, and return he did. 
I don’t really know what the point of this story is. Maybe it has no point. Maybe it isn’t fiction, maybe it’s a rant, a way of telling myself what I already know. Maybe I am standing at this cold, empty hallway, peering over the edge, and maybe I see a door. Maybe the door has a sign above it, and maybe that sign reads the name of my former acquaintance; “loneliness”. Maybe this letter is addressed to him.
Maybe the door peers into the very darkness that sits brewing inside my head, the darkness that has waited so long, the abyss that gazes back into my soul in those rare, tiny moments of self-reflection.
I understand you, loneliness. 
I understand what it is like to be alone. 
I understand what it can do to you.
Come, for I have been waiting - with closed arms.
I cannot say that I am ready to accept you, but maybe, just maybe - this is what I deserve.
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babybirdgyeom · 6 years
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breaking up isn’t easy part 1 → jackson wang series
part 1 / part 2 / part 3 wourd count: 2.3k genre: angst summary: you and jackson broke up. this didn’t mean you forgot about each other though.
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12.01.2017
It’s been exactly seven days since you and Jackson broke up. Despite your expectations you survived. After dating him for what felt like a lifetime it was the strangest feeling to, after all, be alone again. The days were okay, you could deal with being alone while the sky was blue and you had something to do. What became hard were the nights.
It has only been a week and all you want to do is talk to him. You needed to know how he felt in this situation because you are used to know how he feels. Suddenly not being able to just call him anymore makes you feel more desperate than you would have thought.
You decided to leave a text for Jackson, just for the case he’s feeling the same way you do. Maybe he lies awake wondering if you think about him too. If he was doing fine and would not be interested in hearing from you he could still ignore you.
You → The last nights I was awake thinking about if I should write you or not. Day for day I decided to give you time and not bother you but tonight it just doesn’t feel right. When we broke up we didn’t talk about how to continue. I don’t know your point of view which makes me almost go insane. We will have to see each other every now and then because of our friends so how do we react when we see each other? You said you needed time when you left and I am willing to give you that, if you don’t want to answer then you don’t have to. I just want to inform you that if you have the urge to talk to me then you can write me. I am not mad at you and I don’t feel like we should fight. Have a good night, (y/n).
Writing Jackson this formal was something you never have done before, not even when the two of you were fighting. It felt strange but you didn’t know how to handle the situation at all.
Shortly before you finally fall to sleep you heard your phone ring, looking at it with one eye closed, reading what Jackson had to say.
Jackson → Hey (y/n). I’ve been thinking about you a lot and it hurts more than I would’ve ever expected. I’d love to not fight and to someday have a normal friendship going on between us but for now I need to heal a bit. I don’t want to hurt you more than I already did so let’s give each other a bit space to process and get over everything. Sleep well (y/n). See you soon.
The thought that this was the first thing you heard from him since the break up hit you. It’s only been seven days but especially the beginning of being without him hurt you. You tried to not think about it anymore and about an hour later you finally managed to go to sleep.
22.01.2017
‘Oh (y/n) my love. I am just walking home from the bar we always used to visit years ago when we started to first see each other. I know I was the one who broke up with you but that does not at all mean that I just out of nowhere stopped loving you. I- how late is it anyway? - Oh shit my bus is only coming in twenty minutes, now I have to wait in the cold at 3 in the morning. Anyways I have been thinking. When we broke up I feel like I was a bit cold to you and I am sorry for that. Don’t think I forgot about all of those sweet and lovely moments we share. You know, that’s exactly my problem, I simply cannot forget about them. Maybe I will completely regret sending you this memo tomorrow but I will not think about this right now. When we broke up I said I just don’t see our relationship lasting in the future and even though I meant that but that wasn’t always like this. I feel embarrassed right now to be honest. I should stop recording now even though I could go on for hours. Alcohol is a bad decision. Good night.’
This was the first thing you heard in the morning. Jackson’s voice, that somehow got even more deep whenever he was drunk, was echoing in your head after the memo stopped.
You → Good morning you drunk fuck. It was nice hearing your voice again. As I see you didn’t completely forgot about me yet which makes me kind of happy if I am honest. I suppose you will probably regret this right now so I will not say anything to it. Are you coming to Jinyoung’s party next week? I wanted to go and I just thought I should tell you I will be there. I wrote Mark to get you something to eat so your hangover ass will not starve when you wake up.
After your workshift you checked if Jackson answered and he did. Even though it was only a short answer you were relieved that at least you got one.
Jackson → Oh my god what was that. I am sorry. Yes I will be at Jinyoung’s party next week! Also thank you, somehow you are still taking care of me even though we broke up. The breakfast was exactly what I needed.
29.01.2017
Waiting for Jaebum to pick you up for Jinyoung’s party made you more than nervous. You literally couldnt stop biting your nails even though you stopped that a long time ago. Since the last message from Jackson you didn’t hear anything from him. You’ve been doing really bad if you were honest to yourself. Even though it seems that you and him could be getting along in the future this was still not what you wanted. In the end you still loved him and wanted him back even though you knew this was not an opinion.
You were wearing your best outfit including the dress Jackson used to love at you. Of course you tried to impress him even though it probably wasn’t needed. After Jaebum send you a message saying he’s waiting outside your house in the car you fastly put your shoes on and got outside.
“Damn (y/n).”, Jaebum smirked at you while you were getting inside the car, “you really dress to impress tonight.”, you tried to hug him which turned out to be complicated since you both were sitting in the car but you somehow managed it.
“So I look good? Thank god.”, you sighed, being obviously tense.
“Yes, don’t worry you look great. Are you nervous?”, he asked while starting to drive to the party. You and Jaebum never were the closest but he still always got your back.
“I feel like throwing up Jaebum. I need to face him sooner or later I knew that before but we just broke up and I don’t know how to face him yet.”
Jaebum looked over at you for a short moment before looking back to the dark street.
“You know, both of you didn’t tell me why you even broke up. What happened? You didn’t seem like you were unhappy.”
“Oh I mean he broke up but I kinda agreed with him.”, your voice became a bit more quiet so Jaebum turned the radio down, “we weren’t even fighting a lot but he said that he just doesn’t know how to meet my expectations of our life in the future. He obviously wants to continue making music with you all and I am okay with that but I also want to settle down someday and he just said that it was a big pressure for him.”
“Strange. Jackson always seemed to me like he would be the first one to settle down and get married.”
“I know right? I guess he still wants to but-”, you swallowed because the thought hurts you a bit, “I guess he just couldn’t see his future with me. I really don’t know we barely talked when we broke up because we both were too sad.”
“Breaking up without fighting is cruel because you don’t get to be mad or something. You just feel this sadness.”, Jaebum added to your surprise because usually he never really is a man of big words.
The rest of the drive was peaceful. You and Jaebum talked about lighter topics and he made you laugh every now and then to cheer you up. Finally he parked the car in front of the location and rushed over to your car door to open it for you.
“Let’s go inside. If you wanna leave I will gladly walk you home later.”, Jaebum said, knowing he will not be able to drive.
“I will just sleep at Jinyoung’s place since it’s only a few minutes away but I appreciate it a lot.”, you said smiling at him and then looking at the door, taking a deep breath, nodding and following Jaebum in the loud and dark party inside.
As soon as you came in you saw your best friend who also happened to be Jinyoung’s girlfriend. “(y/n)! We are going to get you a drink.”, she said dragging you with her to the bar. The two of you got your drinks and sat down on a couch in the corner looking at the party that was already going on with loads of people on the dancefloor. Your eyes searched for Jackson.
“He’s upstairs with Jinyoung and Youngjae right now, still getting ready.”, your friend turned to you knowing exactly that you were looking for him. She looked you in the eyes with a sad smile, “You look beautiful and I know you dressed up this pretty and put on such a beautiful make up to make him regret ever leaving you and I bet it works but instead of wasting all of this-”, she pointed at your body, “maybe try to distract yourself and talk to someone. Not saying I invited a super cute boy who said you are very pretty when I showed him a picture of you.”
Your eyes widened in disbelief, “I can’t believe you’ve done that (y/f/n)! I promise I will not try to get Jackson back to day but I’d love to maybe at least talk to him. It would be a great way of finally being honest to each other since we both are going to be drunk as shit.”, you said taking a big sip of your drink.
Soon your first drink was empty and Jinyoung, who was downstairs by now, was already bringing the two of you new drinks.
“Hello (y/n). You looked like you need more alcohol. No being sober tonight.”, he said giving you a hug.
“You’re a devil and an angel at the same time.”, you said to him, taking another big sip of your new drink.
Time went by a bit and because it was unbelievable crowded you actually didn’t see Jackson yet. You didn’t know if it was a good thing or if you were dissapointed. But even though you didn’t see him yet the evening was still long. Two hours after you arrived you and Jaebum who joined you again got pretty tipsy.
“The guy over there is staring at you the whole time while we were dancing”, he screamed into your ear because otherwise you wouldn’t even be able to hear him through the music, “do you know him?”
You looked over and he was smiling at you. You were pretty sure this is the dude (y/f/n) invited for you. “(y/f/n) tried to set me up with him but I am not interested.”
Half an hour later you found yourself talking to the guy. It turned out that he was actually pretty boring so you had two options: drinking and hoping he would turn out to be a bit more interesting or drinking and having a great time with your friends who were just having the time of their lifes on the dancefloor.
You decided for the second option and made your way to them when, after three hours and several drinks, you were suddenly standing right in front of Jackson. When your eyes met you could see his smiling face turning into a shocked one and you looked at him the same exact way he did.
“Hey.”, he screamed in your ear, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah I’m pretty drunk if I am honest. What about you?”
“Me too. I just wanted to get another drink. Do you wanna come with me?”
You really wanted. But you knew that this guy was still standing by the bar and you really didn’t want to meet him with Jackson together. Also all out of a sudden you felt very uncomfortable standing in front of him. You felt like throwing up but also like crying. Seeing him again after weeks brought back feelings you thought you could ignore.
“I am actually on my way to Youngjae and co. But come and join us after you got your drink?”, you asked him trying to sound relaxed.
“Yeah sure”, he said giving you a sad smile and then dissapeared.
He didn’t join you. For the rest of the night you didn’t see him again. You had no idea if he left or if he still was there but a part of you really was relieved that you haven’t had to face him again. It still hurt after all.
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