also no more outing myself directly to my friends, you will find out about pronoun and name change through the wonders of instagram stories where you talk abt yourself /hj

Eh, this is mildly kind of NSFW, just reflecting on stuff I’ve been wondering about. Kind of explains my views on some things. Ignore this, and please don’t spread it around. 

Sadly, just identity and sexuality bullshit, not questioning the morality of what I’m into or anything actually exciting like that.

Not gonna lie, I'm in this one discord chat for coaster stuff and its full of teenage boys (and maybe one or two girls) and it's strange to me how much these highschoolers are talking about so badly wanting relationships and funtimes and shit.  Unless it's just a boy thing but idk

Not like I'm much older than them being 18 myself, but the more I become of aware of how most people that age are/were, the more it just feels odd because I was never that way myself.  Never sought out naughty stuff online except for shits and giggles and even then I mostly stuck to otherwise sfw odd kinky stuff.  Never really tried to learn about that sort of thing in general through really any methods.  Maybe I was just really sheltered or a late bloomer or something or there is something else up with me.  I didn't even know any swears until middle school and never had "the talk" with my parents since it seemed too awkward to ask about and I frankly just didn't care.  On a sillier note, I didn't know what a stretch mark was until I came on here.  I thought they were just a skin condition or some kind of weird birthmarks or scars from something that people just kind of have, like lumpy veins and wrinkles.  

 Even now there's a fair amount of stuff I only have a vague idea of because I just... really don't care and would feel really awkward looking it up/asking about it. Really, the best thing I can compare it to is probably how I feel about most unsanitary kinks.  Or whatever else grosses you out but isn't really morally objectionable.  Sometimes I look at the people who claim that thinking they were ace or whatever was some way of denying they were gay and I just kind of go hmmm

Because while I fantasize mostly about male characters, I see them as sexless in my mind.  Female characters I'm more comfortable seeing as otherwise and as I might have said before, if I was forced into an arranged marriage irl I'd more likely go with a lady.  They just... gross me out less?  I like a lot of more feminine/androgynous guys visually though.  The thing that makes me doubt this is that it feels more like a matter of girls feel more like the default to me and guys are sort of... alien?  Outsiders?  Not something I totally understand?  Like the reason I don't see female characters as being sexless barbie dolls because I see them as being kind of inherently sexless because it's kind of the way I've always seen myself.   I just don't really acknowledge or care about such things with myself and it's easier to ignore them with others due to the familiarity.

 I'm sorry I probably keep spamming you about this kind of stuff.  I've just been thinking it a lot this past year or so.  Not bothered by it, just puzzled.  I hope I don't come off as one of those people who won't shut up about their orientation and/or gender and basically make it their sole defining character trait, because while this probably has made a pretty big impact in shaping who I am, it's obviously not all I am and it's really more a matter of what I'm not than anything.  I'm really more confused than anything.  But I'm kind of glad that it's just been a mental conundrum more than anything because on the outside, I don't pursue such close relationships or contact.  It really doesn't matter enough to me to be worth the effort.  It feels kind of like wondering what the outcome would be if I flipped a WWII-era steel penny, but I don't have one to flip and don’t care enough to go through the trouble of procuring one.