I think finally understanding how differently I act when masking VS when not was a delight. I mean, I don't act on it consciously most likely, but I have been wondering abt it for a while so coming to a conclusion at least brings me some kind of satisfaction.

I noticed that when I unmask my voice gets significantly deeper and slower, I don't mind sitting in weird positions around the person (or people) I'm with and I allow myself to be more excited or emotional about stuff that I like. And with that, I also struggle less with eye contact.

When I do mask however I speak in a significantly higher tone (that I myself hate), try to make myself as small as possible during the conversation, and just stare into the void a lot. AND I stare more at my phone a lot more.

Idk if I'll ever be able to change this or if I even want to, since I'm pretty closed off and wouldn't unmask around others I don't feel a 100% safe with. The thing is that with my masking also comes a lot of infantilization cus it's like I make myself as less threatening as possible and my clothing style + overall features don't make me look 20 (because we all know that a frilly skirt suddenly makes you a child, heh), so I'm conflicted on how to feel about it...