#also unrelated but two of us played after the video for me
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hiii ^^ I would like some headcanons for riddle, malleus, vil and rook with a fem mc that accidentally ends up making them laugh (because what she says or does is very random xd maybe an example would be like jennifer lawrence sjjs she is very funny ) well that's all, thanks and take care <3
Riddle, Malleus, Vil, and Rook with an S/O who can make them laugh with the most random things
A/N: Hello to you too Anon! I know this has been in my inbox for gods knows how long- But thank you still for sending this in! I hope this is to your liking! I actually did watch some Jennifer Lawrence videos for inspiration and I have to agree the comedic timing she has is perfect!! I also used some google translate in Rooks part so it may not be accurate ^^;
Characters: Riddle, Malleus, Vil, and Rook
Warnings: Cursing to a mild degree, playful mention of stalking in Rooks (I love him I swear!!!), lightly proof read
Fem!Reader
Riddle Rosehearts
Riddle is a bit difficult to get a good genuine laugh out of, at least in my opinion.
Like sure you have a small chuckle when he finds something amusing, but i feel like it'd be a bit of a challenge to get a good genuine laugh out of.
Then you came in, saying the strangest things at the most unrelated times!
And Ace and Deuce find this absolutely hilarious
You'll say the most out of pocket shit with the straightest face and somehow half the people around you start to laugh some others breaking out in giggles
Ace and Deuce have definitely talked about this 'talent' of yours, at least in their words.
You had said some of these strange comments around Riddle and he found them strange a bit endearing as well
I'd think the time you got a good laugh out of him was when you had come with him to take care of some of the hedgehogs
The two of you were sitting in the grass some of the hedgehogs were playing while a few had decided that climbing on the two of you was a good way to pass the time
One had wandered up onto your head and almost fell off but luckily you were able to save the little guy before he fully hit the ground
After Riddle worriedly checked the little guy over you while looking over his shoulder at the small animal said:
"Well at least we know this one has no self preservation"
Unwillingly, or maybe subconsciously, a small laugh makes it's way through Riddles chest to his lips.
Well, now maybe he saw what those two were blabbering on about
Your little comments were always appreciated with Riddle
Even if they didn't cause him to laugh they did brighten his mood at least somewhat
"Yes, this one does tend to be a bit of a handful. Reminds me of a certain rose I know"
He teased before you two fell back into the pattern of caring for the small animals
More chuckles and comments to come no doubt
Malleus Draconia
At first Malleus didn't understand why the rest of Diasomnia found your remarks so comical
Yes his child of man did tend to bring a certain warmth where ever she walked
But he didn't see this as an excuse for the amount of laughter you cause people around you
Most of the remarks you make will fly over his head
I'm sorry but he seems like the kind of guy to not get the joke until you explain it to him-
Now the Thorn Prince does share a few chuckles with those around him when he finds something amusing, similar to Riddle
But it's even more difficult to get a laugh out of him considering he doesn't get a lot of the play on words type of jokes
but something abrupt and slightly out of context?
I feel like that would get some sort of laugh out of him
One day you were talking with Malleus about some of the things you did in your old world
The topic of amusement parks came up and you started listing the rides you used to go on as a child
Roller coasters, bumper cars, lazy rides where you could relax, until you blanked on the name of a ride
It was frustrating considering it was probably something simple and you would remember it after their conversation, but you wanted to keep the ball rolling
Malleus mean while was partly enjoying seeing how frustrated you got over a simple word
You really were a strange thing weren't you Child of man?
"I'm sorry Mal- I know what I'm thinking of! It's on the tip of my tongue- It's like one of those horse tornado things!"
Horse.. tornado..?
Now that got Malleus attention
he understood the other rides you described, favoring the lazy rides
but what ever this horse tornado was... it sounded.. strange, yet curious at the same time
"CAROUSELS!! FUCKING CAROUSELS, THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE CALLED!"
Malleus let out a small puff of air before he started chuckling under his breath
You truly were a strange one weren't you child of man, just like the world you came from
Malleus pressed a kiss to your forehead letting out one more chuckle before speaking
"Truly fascinating, maybe one day you could bring me to one of these 'horse tornados' you have me interested"
Sure jokes your fly over his head, but he would tease you some what for your small skips in memory
Vil Schoenheit
Now Vil, having acted in a lot of movies, (If I'm correct) Would have probably had a few good laughs in that line of work
Weather that be on set or behind the cameras
But he doesn't often let out a good laugh in public, it's not really part of the proper image he'd want to put out there
As for behind closed doors or with close friends he's definitely willing to have a laugh
And who better to bring a smile to his face than his lovely sweet potato?
Though one good moment always stuck out to him that caused him to have one of the most genuine laughs in awhile
The two of you were getting ready to go out to a fancy restaurant, courtesy of Vil of course, hair, makeup, shoes things like that
While Vil was sitting at his vanity working on his eyes when you came out of the bathroom in a stunning dress hand picked by Vil
It brought out all your best features while still being enough coverage to where it wasn't uncomfortable to wear into a public area
The two of you made idle conversation as you sat on a near by chair to slip on a matching set of heels for the dress
As you stood up in the heels to work on your own makeup you lost your balance thanks to the new height the heels provided
Although Vil was quick to catch you making sure you came no where near the floor he still was concerned
"Oh sweet potato are you alright? What happened?"
Yes looking back on it the question seemed dumb but he was concerned
but you just let out a giggle while regaining your balance before saying:
"Well I'm not sure what happened, but I remember wanting to yell 'fuck' as my last words before I embarrassed myself"
Vil took a moment while looking at you
then a chuckle escaped his lips which soon turned into the two of you sharing a small laugh
Now Vil doesn't know why he laughs at your antics, in hindsight they're just normal phrases
But maybe it's the delivery?
Or the way you smile at him?
What ever it may be it always causes a smile to grace his lips or a chuckle to be drawn from him
Sure Vil maybe all about preserving beauty and making sure he looks flawless
But if he happens to get a few smile lines because of your antics, he will never hold it against you
"Well my darling, I'm glad to hear you're alright. It would be a shame if you or your lovely dress got roughed up before we left. Now come, you still want to do your makeup don't you? Allow me to help"
Rook Hunt
Now Rook has plenty of laughs in his life
Weather that be from stalking some poor soul or a genuine laugh among friends
Rook out of the four is probably the easiest to get a laugh from
He's a joyful guy wanting to see all nature and the world has to offer! Can you blame him?
Then enters you who some how can't help but leave Rook giggling when ever you do something!
You put your tie on wrong? Oh silly Trickster aren't you just the sweetest thing!
Then comes your words which to Rook is a whole new ball park
Rook tends to hold onto every word meant for him, weather that be written or spoken out loud
His darling Tricksters words are so elegant and so sweet how could he not treasure everyone!
What really gets him chuckling and laughing is the moments when your words aren't as sweet and graceful
Cut to one day when you and Rook were in the fields often used for flying class
Rook had a desire to teach you archery so he happened to drag you along with a quiver and bow to some targets set by his hand
After the first few moments of Rook teaching you how to properly hold and aim the bow and making sure your arm guard was secure (He wouldn't want his darling trickster to get rope burn!) He let you shoot
All was going well as you hit targets in an... acceptable way
But all that seemed to end when a large gust of wind sent your best shot yet off course and into the ground
And just as Rook was about to offer some encouragement to keep going and try once more
some colorful language came from you to say the least
"Wind!? Really!?! Could you not wait two fucking minuets!! Nooooo! You just had to thro my best shot off course you-!"
Now don't get Rook wrong he hold the sweet words you two share close to his heart
But there was just something about you yelling at the wind of all things that caused him to start laughing
As he laid on the grass of the field eyes closed as he laughed
Oh? It seems your colorful language is directed towards him now? Even better!
"Trickster- reine de mon coeur! Please I believe- I believe you have shared plenty enough words with the wind today!"
A/N: This is actually the first time I've taken a good look at the name of Malleus' dorm. Dia = Dragon. Somnia = Sleep
Diasomnia = Dragon of sleep
just a ting i found silly :)
#twisted wonderland#twst#twisted wonderland headcanons#twisted wonderland x reader#x reader#rook x reader#rook hunt x reader#rook twisted wonderland#rook twst#rook hunt twst#vil schoenheit#twst vil#vil schoenheit twst#vil schoenheit x reader#twisted wonderland vil#vil x reader#malleus twisted wonderland#malleus draconia x reader#malleus x reader#malleus draconia#twst malleus#twisted wonderland riddle#twisted wonderland riddle rosehearts#riddle x reader#riddle#riddle rosehearts#rook hunt twisted wonderland#rook x reader#rook hunt#twst x reader
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y(ours) — P1HARMONY!maknae line
a continuation of what it’s like dating the younger one’s and their familiarity with your personal belongings. ft. non-idol!p1h maknae line x gn!reader
a/n: this is my attempt at easing back into writing, apologize if it’s super rough :(
intak
your vinyl record.
it was gifted to you on christmas about two years ago. you’ve always dwelled on wanting one of your own, but never had the balls to go out of your way to purchase one because they could get pretty pricey. a lot of your extensive research and effort you spent scouring the internet to find the perfect vinyl record you’d like pointed to signs of something completely out of your budget. well, not completely, but unrealistically obtainable with the numbers you’ve been receiving paycheck-to-paycheck from your job.
so, each time that the holidays were around the corner, and whenever your mother would ask for your christmas wishlist, you’d throw in several other items you’d like but never included the idea of wanting a vinyl record. that secret desire of yours was something you kept to yourself, something you never brought up in conversation, nor was it something you’d expect to receive unless it was coming out of your pockets.
lo and behold, on the morning of a wintery cold december 25, when you were gathered around the christmas tree with your siblings and parents to open your presents, there sat a box with a fragile sticker stuck to the wrapping.
to: y/n :)
from: mom and dad
since then your prized possession has followed you to college and your off-campus apartment whom you share with your three other close friends.
intak, especially, took a liking to your music player and never misses an opportunity to use it. whenever he visits your place (which is almost every day) he makes it his unrelenting mission to flip through your vinyls and place his pick of the day on to the turntable. his personal favorite is cigarettes after sex, a band you actually introduced him to.
while you don’t mind sharing things, especially with your partner, you’re pretty sure intak has used your vinyl record more often than you have. ultimately, you don’t mind. it’s rather endearing knowing that what’s yours also belongs to him.
shota
your nintendo switch.
“y/n can i play super smash bros?”
shota doesn’t even need to ask for your approval. in fact, he already knows your answer will always allude to a ‘yes,’ but he does it anyway despite the electronic device already in his possession.
“of course,” you would say.
naturally you grew up owning multiple generations of nintendo ds’s. when nintendo came out with a new updated version you’d go to the game store to trade it in for store credit just to get the latest release. this routine continued up until middle school when your gaming hobby no longer prevailed itself in your interests.
as months passed and 2017 eventually rolled by, the internet buzzed with life after nintendo’s announcement about the upcoming hybrid console came to light. rest assured that you were one of millions who preordered the device and waited impatiently for it’s hard launch date to release in store.
but again, school started to pick up and extra curricula’s were time consuming, that playing video games became less and lesser of an option for you to indulge in.
leave it to shota to pick up your slack. because if it’s not super smash bros that he’s try-harding at, it’s either the suika game, animal crossing (if he really feels like it), or pokemon. an odd rotation but who were you to judge.
“wHat!” he yelps from the couch. “how did he dodge that!”
you giggle at his typical gamer-behavior, closely reminded of yourself.
jongseob
your digicam.
the sony cyber-shot camera has been by your side since you were in the 5th grade.
it was a hand-me-down from your father’s box of electronic gadgets he owned back in the day; a lot of which were collecting dust in the garage for not being used in so long.
while tossing things away to relieve the clutter and deciding what to keep, you remember discovering the digicam at the bottom of the pile after laborious digging. your father briefly taught you how to turn it on and off, what button to press to take a picture, how to record a video, and the different settings you could play around with.
your digicam has followed you around the world to different countries for family trips, witnessed you graduate from high school, contained a lot of embarrassing photos of you and your friends, watched you grow since elementary to your first day of college, and captured numerous flicks featuring new faces.
when you started dating jongseob, your photo gallery has been nothing but candid pictures of you and him (mainly of you).
your boyfriend is constantly bringing it along with him to events or outings, because, in his defense, he just wants to create some memories for you both to look back on someday. sometimes he goes out of his way to point and direct you on how to pose.
once, over dinner, you asked jongseob if he’d rather upgrade to something better and not outdated, like a canon or even a proper film camera. however, he is not one to budge and refuses to give up the obsolete digicam he unintentionally took ownership of.
“it’s special,” he pouted. “and sentimental, too.”
you smiled, “i guess. i just can’t help but wonder if you prefer a greater upgrade.”
“trust me, this has everything i need. now show me that pretty smile of yours.”
#lattenha ☕️#p1harmony imagines#p1harmony maknae line#p1harmony fluff#p1harmony x you#p1harmony x reader#intak imagines#intak x you#intak x reader#intak fluff#shota x reader#shota imagines#shota fluff#shota x you#jongseob x reader#jongseob x you#jongseob fluff#jongseob imagines#p1h shota#p1h intak#p1h jongseob#kpop imagines#kpop fluff#gender neutral insert#gender neutral y/n#gender neutral reader
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As it usually happens on here, we become fans of things by osmosis if we didn't seek it out for ourselves. So I've been following you for a bit and I have finally crossed the threshold from "this person I follow really loves this media and I love seeing their love for it on my dash, so glad they're having fun" over to "I wanna have fun, too." And that's all thanx to @thatgothsamurai's photobooth art.
So, I hope you can guide me on where I should start with patpran and inkpa, and the rest. Like, are they on separate shows that crossover? A spinoff? Like, what's going on, where do I start, how do I watch. Like you, I'm in the US. Any suggestions are appreciated.
AAAAAAAH THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY and thank u @thatgothsamurai for the amazing fanart as always (the photobooth fanart in question, a classic in the fandom)
okay so both patpran and inkpa are canon pairings from the thai bl bad buddy and its related special episodes! all are produced by the thai production company gmmtv.
the show and all related episodes are available to watch on youtube with english subtitles - i'll link to relevant playlists.
THE MAIN SHOW: BAD BUDDY THE SERIES
directed by "aof" noppharnach chaiyahwimhon (who is gay himself), and starring "nanon" korapat kirdpan as pran, and "ohm" pawat chittsawangdee as pat. the original show is twelve episodes, which aired from october 2021 to january 2022. i watched it for the first time in february 2022 and have not known peace every since
the premise is that pat and pran, who have lived next door to each other since birth, have been rivals all their lives because their families hate each other. after pran's sent off to boarding school for three years, they are unexpectedly reunited at university - where they find that their friend groups are also enemies, so they have to keep up the pretense of hating each other. but of course they fall in love instead!
the main story is about patpran, but inkpa is a canon side pairing featuring "love" pattranite limpatiyakorn as pa, pat's younger sister, and "milk" pansa vosbein as ink, a classmate of pat and pran's. though they get less screentime, i still think they have a delightful romantic arc themselves!
SPECIAL EPISODES
zero photography: an inkpa special episode that is set after the main show. directed by "tee" bundit sintanaparadee, whom i don't know much about, and aired in august 2022
our skyy x bad buddy x a tale of thousand stars: so our skyy 2 was an anthology of special episodes released between april and june 2023 for a bunch of different gmmtv bls. each show was supposed to have two special eps for their characters, but since two shows directed by p'aof were getting special eps (the other one being a tale of thousand stars, also a delightful show), he decided to use four episodes as a crossover of the two shows. in the bad buddy timeline, these eps take place during a timeskip that happens in the original show between episodes 11 and 12, and features patpran but has a few great inkpa appearances too. you don't really need to have seen atots to understand the eps, i don't think? but they probably are more enjoyable if you have haha
EXTRAS
"just friend" music video: nanon sings two songs on the bad buddy soundtrack, and ohm sings one for our skyy 2, all of which have music videos, but i'm linking to this song of nanon's particularly because the music video its own story unrelated to the show at all! it's very cute and is basically an au where they are employees at the same hotel (and in love of course)
23.5 degrees the series: this is not technically related to bad buddy, but milk and love are going to be starring in gmmtv's first full-length gl, 23.5 degrees, which will be directed by "fon" kanittha kwunyoo (who i believe is a lesbian)! thai gls are just starting to get attention and backing by the major tv studios, and milklove's known chemistry from playing inkpa, as well as an exciting supporting cast and director, are making everyone super excited for this
there are also TONS of behind-the-scenes and making-of extras if you get into the show but i figured this was enough to start with :D
let me know if you have questions about any of this! i'm not sure how familiar you are with thai media or fandoms, so definitely happy to share/explain more as would be helpful! <3
#bad buddy#bad buddy explainer#patpran#inkpa#zero photography#our skyy x bad buddy x a tale of thousand stars#our skyy 2#our skyy x bad buddy#just friend mv#23.5 degrees#thank you for the ask this made me so happyyyyyyy#ask me things#id in alt text#original#asking me answering you
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Alright, more Crisis Core, let's go! This one ended up being REALLY long (we got through two chapters), so I'm putting a read more some ways down so it doesn't kill people's dashes.
The boy said the line!
Yay, Cloud is finally here! He still clearly has the basic infantry model other than the head, but it does mean he stands in the casual almost sassy way they all do haha. In general, it's so weird but cute to see him smiling and laughing. Aw, he's not traumatized yet!
I knew what was coming, but my friend I'm playing with didn't, so it was fun to see her reaction (tho i totally still got so excited anyway haha).
This is just here bc I love them so <3 And then Tseng is also here being a third wheel. The sneaking portion that is right after this I sucked ass at. I couldn't make it five feet without being seen and tossed out, and I just had to wait until the game took pity on me and took the guards away.
Genesis, please I'm begging you just kill Hollander. I do love seeing his hair, once so bright red, getting grayer and darker, how his nice leather jacket is getting all broken, giving a sense that he's not taking care of himself and his things as much as he should be.
My sister has tried to stay more-or-less blind to what happens in Crisis Core (she knows some stuff, I know a little more) but all fics tend to use the same Loveless lines (which makes sense, of course) but I did end up reciting this quote with him bc it's one of my favorites, much to the shock of my sister.
I can't believe Zack really thinks Genesis died tho. Like, the guy has a wing, he can fly, falling is not gonna kill him. I'm still not totally clear what Genesis is trying to achieve, but I've been watching some of ButterBuns CCR videos and she's kind of given me a better sense of Genesis. He's just flailing around, trying to get something, anything, to work. He's a dying man who is desperate and doesn't even know himself exactly what he wants.
HELL YEAH! If the creators weren't cowards they would have let your models touch. Our new thing while playing is being proud of Zack for having two boyfriends and one girlfriend. The boy can get it.
As per usual, my biggest problem with this game is the writing - especially with Angeal, tbh. I guess Angeal is just like Genesis in that he's desperately trying to figure out who he is, monster or man. But every time he talks about being a monster I kind of roll my eyes. He's like an emo teenager. Last chapter I felt like it was getting a better grip and liking for him, but I'm kind of back to just being like 'what's your deal man'.
That being said, I kind of dig his weird monster form! It's a mishmash but super cool, and I love how his arms are folded in front of him. My friend and sister I don't think liked it as much and mostly made fun of it which, fair.
Mostly unrelated, but i really got myself into a big of predicament in that I'm super overpowered, which means I get through battles so quick, which also means I don't get to show off all the limit breaks and summons and such when we're playing ;-; but then I turn it to hard mode and die instantly.
I'm always a sucker for sad sunsets. I might not get Angeal or his deal, but I do at least buy that Zack cares about Angeal. It's kind of like Angeal was too set in his ways of monster vs heroes, and that a monster needs to be killed by a hero. That Zack is the only hero left to kill a monster like him, or that by doing so Zack proves he's a hero. But really all it's done is given Zack trauma and made him more uncertain than ever who he is and what he stands for.
(It kind of reminds me of near the end of Homestuck, when Dave and Dirk are talking, and Dave admits it's possible that Bro was trying to train him, but all it did was make him scared.)
I wish we got to spend more time in the game with Aerith, but at least you get the sense that they do spend more time with each other, especially with Aerith being there for Zack after this.
MY BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL BOY! I wish your limit break looked cooler tho :P
Wait, so are Angeal and Genesis brothers then?? I knew they were connected through Gillian, but I guess how connected never hit me. I mean, Angeal defo has her hair while Genesis has her face, but also I've been imagining and seeing them as boyfriends this whole time???
So many mixed feelings about Zack right now. The first thing is yay, new hair cut! My sister absolutely hated his bangs, so big win for her. I do like that you get to see that, as one of the last remaining Firsts, Zack has started to take on more of a leadership and mentor role for the other SOLDIERs. However, him telling them to protect their SOLDIER honor is weird when Zack doesn't know what that is either. I've felt it, but I am glad Zack himself has acknowledged that he doesn't know what that honor is or what it means. I hope we get to see Zack figure it out. I also like that Zack is kind of unmoored and uncertain now. Puts him in an interesting place for whatever's next.
Beach episode! It is FUCKING INSANE to me that Cissnei just... tells Zack that Aerith is an Ancient. Why? What was the point of that? Cissnei, you can't just say that! I guess it could be seen as her trusting Zack and demonstrating she wants to help him, but it's still so weird. It's nice Zack has been said to be hanging with the turks more, but I wish we could have gotten more of that in game. I don't think he even knows Reno and Rude's names.
BOOO TSENG SHOULD BE IN A SWIMSUIT TOO BOO!
So I know Genesis is still alive, but interesting that this is beign considered since it's Sephiroth's whole deal. Tbh, tho, I'm not sure how I feel about Tseng openly acknowledging that Mako is life. How much is that recognized in general, actually? I mean, people do fade into mako when they die... hm, much to think about.
The chase through the city was so dumb, I've had it with Hollander, how hard can it be to catch and/or kill one guy for real. That being said, I do like how cool the buster sword is, and at the end is Sephiroth :D I'm glad that Zack seems a little bitter towards Sephiroth; they're both mourning in different ways, and it's driven a rift between both of them. But at the same time, they're the closest thing they both have to someone who can understand what they're going through.
Shoutout to Zack's little fidgets :D He's still a restless little puppy, despite it all. Sephiroth and Zack's relationship is just so good and interesting, I need them to hang out more so I can see more of it.
God Genesis is so pretty. Both him and Angeal have fucked up looking wings - which adds to what they're going through - but I actually love it for Genesis. Again, what is this dude's goal? He'll probably tell you once he figured it out himself. I love the reveal that he was also at Junon this whole time. Interesting parallel to how the Firsts fought 'at Junon' altogether and now they can't be further apart.
I need to pet that dog! Is Angeal still alive?? I totally thought he died, he has to be dead, right? Just living on in his copies? Anyway, the dog should be a character who manages to live forever because I love him. Also, laughed so hard when the little Shinra robots came into the church oh my god, it's not supposed to be funny I think but it's hilarious how non-threatening they look.
Wow Kunsel, jealous much?? Also, a little creepy? Is my boyfriend stalking me? If I trusted Kunsel, at this point I'd think he was going to betray me at some point, but I trust him too much for that. It seems more like Kunsel just doesn't know how to say 'I'm worried about you and you should talk to me about what you're going through'. I love Kunsel <3
As usual, this game feels like it goes too fucking fast. It's always one thing after another, nobody's talking or explaining things. Maybe it's because you're expected to do side missions every so often? That would probably break things up a bit more. God, there's such an interesting story here! I just wish it was told better.
Also I've been playing so much of this game and only just learned you can sprint :P
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If you're still doing prompts: I just saw the rooney pic set and the beckham with carra and just either of Carraville being a hot commodity? Other people having crushes or being into them? And maybe them being obvious because they only have eyes for each other or so? Or being possessive
alright lads I am BACK (the essay uh. dont even worry about it.) I've been distracted from drabbles with a) my beville wip which is getting. long. and b) making a gary character thesis statement video which is also getting. LONG.
Anyway I was gonna do a Gary half to this (w/ Stevie and Michael Owen) but it's already at like 1.2k words with just the Jamie ones so if anyone wants me to write the Gary half u will simply have to send more asks adksjfkjdasfsvdsa...
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Wayne is young, and excited, and he’s scoring a lot of goals.
England is fantastic, it’s a break in the routine, a chance to play with new people. A chance to prove to the whole world that he’s the best there is, that there’s more to the buzz around him than just talk. And there’s so many United players in the squad, there’s no fear of feeling lost or out of his depth.
Except, the United players are all senior United players, that little gang of Phil, Butty, Scholesy, and of course their ringleader Gaz.
Gaz is great, but Wayne has to put up with him every day of his life and he’s not sure he can stomach spending his free time at England camp listening to his ranting when he could be doing literally anything else.
The first time he’d been called up he’d still been with Everton, and being the only player at the club to get in the squad he’d not known anyone when he got to training camp. The Liverpool lot – or rather, Jamie Carragher and his less enthusiastic mates – had adopted him, but now just a few months later everything is different, because now he plays for Manchester United.
It’s stupid, really. The club rivalry stuff. The ‘stick with your own teammates’ stuff. David Beckham doesn’t play for United anymore, but he’s still sat at their table every day, saying stuff that’s not even that funny but that makes Gaz do this stupid over the top laugh that Wayne never hears at any other time.
Gaz’ll have a go at him for it, but he’d rather go sit with Stevie and Carra.
They’re sat at a small table in the canteen, just the two of them and Mo. Except Carra’s not sitting next to Mo like he did last season, there’s no easy banter flowing between any of them. Wayne ignores the tension, or maybe he just doesn’t notice it, and he takes the long awaited opportunity to sit right next to Carra.
Gaz likes to complain about the Scousers, and about Carra in particular. He can’t stand him, thinks he’s after his position in the squad or something, like anyone would want to be a right-back. Last time they’d played Liverpool, Gaz had sat in the dressing room moaning about how Carra was a ‘pathetic little whiny bitch’ and how ‘he’s the most miserable looking footballer I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting’.
Wayne’s not sure where Gaz is getting that from, he’s always thought Carra was quite nice. Friendly, even. And he smells nice, which is unrelated but feels like it’s worth mentioning.
Even now that Wayne’s at one of his club’s biggest rivals, he still gives him a little smile and an “alright, Wazza?”
There’s a little flutter in his chest, and he grins back. “hiya, Carra. How’s things in Liverpool?”
Carra squints at him. “Did Neville send you over to spy on us?”
*
David is under a lot of pressure.
This was meant to be his last tournament, one last chance for him to finally do it, and now he’s sat in the dugout and every newspaper in the world is asking what his job is meant to be, exactly. He’s not a coach, his latest injury ruled him out of the squad months ago, but he’s still here, and everyone is still watching.
It’s weird, to be away with England and not have Gary by his side. He’s in a hotel in South Africa and he should be going out, enjoying the fact that for once he doesn’t have to be fit to play, but instead he’s staring at the door wishing Gary would walk through and complain about something.
It’s probably not fair to say that he misses Gary (you’re the one who left, you prick), but well – he does miss Gary. He always misses Gary. It’s a world cup, he should be here.
If he’d known, four years ago – if he’d known. He’d’ve done better, tried harder. But what thirty year old thinks they’re at the end of their international career?
So he’s here, now. He’s not a player, not a coach, he’s just David Beckham. Apparently that’s enough. The squad is changing, shifting into something unrecognisable. The senior players don’t bother with the club rivalry thing so much anymore, there’s not enough of them from each club to really justify it. So at lunch he sits with Frank and JT and Gerrard. And Carragher, who’s not got enough caps to really be a senior player at England, but who’s too old now to count as anything else. He’s always around, anyway – sticks to Gerrard like his shadow.
And sometimes – sometimes, David finds himself looking.
He’s all alone out here. He’s under a lot of pressure.
It’s been years, since he’s done anything like that. Four years, in fact. And it’s not that he’s just substituting one defender for another, but he sees a lot of Gary in Jamie. Always cross about something, always moaning. Always pushing himself in training as hard as he possibly can, always pushing the others to do the same.
And he’s not bad to look at, either. Though David’s not sure if that’s a point in his favour or not, he’s always had a bit of a soft spot for the awkward, ugly ones. Or maybe just for that one specific awkward ugly one.
He’s not quite sure how to broach the subject, spends a few days agonising over it before deciding to just get on with it and go knock on the man’s door.
Carragher squints at him when he opens the door. “Does the manager need me for somethin’?” he asks cautiously, like maybe he’s not sure what David’s job is meant to be either.
“Nothing like that, just wondered if we could talk.”
Carragher doesn’t respond, just crosses his arms and waits for David to talk.
“Um, I was thinking more like – in your room?” he says, trying to load as much meaning as he can into the words since Carragher seems a bit slow on the uptake.
Carragher waves him in and he walks ahead to sit on the end of the bed.
“If this is about that fight I had with your mate a few weeks ago, he’s the one who fuckin’ started it.”
“I – what?”
David’s not quite sure when Jamie would have had opportunity to fight any of his mates, or even which mate he might mean – they don’t exactly run in the same circles.
“I swear, he’s always in the referee’s ear, mouthy cunt.”
Ah. Gary.
He wonders when the last time United played Liverpool was. He wonders when the last time was that he asked Gary how a game went.
“We have nothing to do with the referees,” he says automatically, before remembering that he’s not really part of the we anymore, hasn’t been for a long time.
“Yeah, yeah. Well tell your little boyfriend that if he still ‘as a problem he can say it to my face, but it was his man who dived, not mine.”
“That wasn’t why I – you know what, never mind.”
#do i even tag this as carraville. does this count as carraville.#people showing interest in jamie and him immediately being like. this seems like it has to do with gary neville (it never does)#carraville#drabbles
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ive been thinking about this a lot lately and kinda just wanna say it somewhere.
that said, feel free to just scroll on by bc this is heavy. also super long? i just- needed to get it off my chest, kinda.
cw: sexual assault, alcohol and drug use
so, in highschool there were these two guys who were in my friend group but i wasn't rly friends with, we'll just say L and N. L had an obvious crush on me and kept trying to get me to date him even tho i had a boyfriend and he knew my boyfriend - once i ended up going on a date with him bc my autistic ass thought he was just trying to hang out, lmao. anyway, it was awkward, esp once my friends told me uhhh no that was a date? u just described a date.
N was a lot more chill but also kinda... he was nice and all, genuinely nice, but he was also one of those no no i'm not sexist i'm an equal-opportunity hater haha! guys. so i wasn't rly close with either of them
but when i went to college they were the only two ppl i already knew and i was rly overwhelmed about being all alone on campus at first, so i ended up spending quite a bit more time with both of them, in and out of school. and it was fun when it was the three of us! they were amusingly raunchy and we talked a lot about related subjects and went on walks together and idk, it was nice. this was before i realized i was trans but i think it fulfilled a Just One Of The Guys need i had at that time
got p close with both of them, esp L. ended up at his house by myself quite frequently. and, well, we drank - this being before i realized i had a unrelated liver disease. and by this point i was out as trans and my family was AWFUL about using the right pronouns and i had no in-person connections who used the right pronouns and i was... p desperate for validation. while also using both alcohol and weed quite heavily to cope
so, yknow... hang out with someone who calls me 'he', talk about gender shit, sigh and go along with the eight million dumb YT videos he wanted to show me, but whatever, i got free liquor and it was smth to do, right? i was even able to lean into being a system around him! that was super validating.
so, surprise surprise, we ended up becoming kinda fuckbuddies. and i was okay with that - p open that i wasn't interested in a relationship but like, sure, we can fuck around. so we did. usually drunk. usually quite drunk. but that was okay because there was still consent going on
but i had one very clear, very explicit boundary. and once he started to cross it - i called him out on it and he pushed back and i had to tell him to stop several times. it wasn't like... aggressive? just very, very coercive. took me a long time to accept that it was still a form of rape. hell, i still struggle to type that out, i want to add caveats to it. but it just was. and that was the big change for me, when i realized he wasn't actually going to respect my boundaries. still hung out with him for a while after that and we had sex a few more times while i was processing my feelings about everything and trying to accept that he was in the wrong and i had a right to be upset
but after that, i just started feeling rly shitty on the walk home whenever i left him. there were subspace/subdrop issues at play, too, which was another brand-new discovery for me, and no aftercare ever, but it was... yeah. it was bad.
still, took me a while to break off the relationship. i was actually at a conference for a school thing when i did it, because being around ppl who saw me as a man, who respected me, who treated me kindly... it totally changed how i saw interpersonal dynamics. like, that whole experience was a MASSIVE wake-up call for me. so that was when i cut him out of my life
now, oddly, this story isn't about L. it's about N.
afaik, N had no idea about any of this. but a while ago, idk probably over a year now, he sent me a nice text mentioning that he didn't know why we'd fallen out of touch. and i usually delete texts after a while but i still have that one. sometimes i want to reply - not telling him the details, just like 'yeah so me and L had smth weird and i didn't want to put u in a position where u had to choose' but also just- memories, yknow? i associate them together very strongly bc the three of us spent sm time together
but i still feel kinda bad. kinda miss N. i saw him become a better person while i saw L kinda become a worse person. i just feel... idk. torn? ultimately i gotta take care of me because no one else can, but i think about him quite often, and about that text i've never replied to. and i also spent time with N alone, and it was just chill. he never tried to fuck me. when i slept over he let me have his bed and made sure there were fresh sheets and everything. he watched me play videogames at his house and let me spend forever on character customization and made sure i had vegetarian food to eat. he was nice, without any strings attached. and we talked about, shit, everything. once we walked for hours and hours - p much the entire night - just talking. he rly opened up to me a lot, and i opened up to him - not about everything and not about anything with L, but about a lot of other stuff. it was an important friendship.
and i just... i regret losing that a lot. i've been thinking about both of them a lot recently. part of it is just coming head to head with things i was using weed to repress now that i've been sober for a while, granted. bc i've been thinking about a lot of things in my past recently.
relationships are messy. but i regret that a good friendship got stained by a bad one.
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The Weight of Fame
For some time, a thought has rolled around in my head on the matter of fame. Growing up, I had a very unique viewpoint to this, because as all of you know, I am nowhere near famous. But due to my mother's profession, I grew up around a lot of famous people.
In some cases, they were quite famous long before our paths crossed. Sometimes, fame crept up slowly. And, in some cases, I watched them go from relative obscurity to instant fame. It was dizzying, to be certain.
There is a hazard in the performance profession that if you keep at it long enough, you just might become famous. For some people, this is the entire goal—fame and fortune. But, for me, my biggest dream when I pursued acting was to be "oh, it's that girl from such-and-such" and never to have my name be a household one.
Why? Well, fame is lousy.
Don't get me wrong! There are certain benefits, of course, especially where endorsements and freebies come into play. The thought that a famous person with millions of followers might use your product and post about it is always enticing—especially for small businesses.
But the actual labor of being famous is a task. Very often, fame is unpredictable and arises in its own, un-chartable fashion. In some very rare situations, you can opt into it, like when taking on an iconic role.
Doctor Who comes to mind most readily. There is a certain fanaticism that is next-level when it comes to a long-living, iconic export such as this one. Matthew and I were studying at Leicester when so-called New Who debuted, so Christopher Eccleston was our first introduction to The Doctor.
When he regenerated into David Tennant, that was my first introduction to the Scottish actor. He instantly became someone we recognized in our household at an instant, even as he popped up in roles in other media we watched. It was never, "Oh, it's that guy!" It was always, "Oh, it's David Tennant."
With a single role, David Tennant became a household name for us. But, I feel like that's a known hazard of becoming, "The Doctor". I may be wrong, but listening to Doctor 12—Peter Capaldi—speak on how "Matt" and "David" prepped him on the particulars of the famous role leads me to believe this is not something into which an actor walks unknowingly.
No, there is a certain feverishness fanatacism associated with Whodom, and there are definitely expectations one should have for themselves walking in.
Privacy? Nope. Not going to happen. Everywhere you walk, folks will flood you for autographs. Social Media? Oh, run. You might as well run! You're never going to be able to simply scroll through your mates' latest shitposts and family photos without being assaulted by a million photos of yourself and others' opinions on every one.
In essence, by accepting a role that is a tremendous accomplishment, you have to also accept the weight of unrelenting, unforgiving fame. Every moment will be photographed or video-taped. If you take a step, it will be recorded, scrutinized, and analyzed at length. Fame is the robber of privacy and peace of mind.
And yet there are people who seek it. And, more power to them, I suppose. But, it's one thing to walk in knowingly. It's quite another to have it explode into place or, worse, creep in unexpectedly.
Let's first address the overwhelming surprise of sudden fame. In the 90's, my mother was the assistant makeup on a television show in our hometown. For her, it was a job that would help her support her two children. She was a single mom, after all, and one of the benefits of living in our city was that films and television shows actually shot there.
Much of the year, she took work wherever she could. Sometimes she was in Arizona. Sometimes in England. Sometimes we didn't know where she was. But, to land a series in-town was huge and meant we would see more of her, even with 18+ hour days and fraturday schedules.
During the filming of the first season, before the Pilot aired on television screens across the nation, Mom invited the four leads to our house for spaghetti dinner.
At one point, someone decided to turn on a computer and input each of their names to see what came up in search. For all but one of the actors, it was next-to-nothing. The fourth actor had come into fame as a child, so there was plenty there, and I can assure you they endured a fair amount of teasing that night for what the early internet unearthed.
Within a few months, they were all wildly famous. The internet was filled with their faces, magazines called for photo shoots, and all my friends at school were talking about that show.
Everything changed for them in an instant. Yes, the locals were still decent. I mean, in Wilmington, almost everyone worked in the industry at that point. Seeing a famous person in the grocery store was always met with, "Oh, neat", and then you moved on as if nothing happened. No autographs. No photos. Folks were in town to work and didn't need bothering.
But the tourists. Oh, the tourists! Suddenly, everything these actors did was monitored, broadcasted. "Who is sleeping with who?" rumors erupted. Discussion of acne. All the embarrassing things we hope nobody will notice about us became water cooler conversation for perfect strangers across the globe.
It's not that they didn't know it was a possibility. They're actors, after all, and that kind of fame can come. But it was still... surprising.
Now, I think they handled it as best as they could, truly. But it did change everything for them. Fame always does.
But the third type of fame is the one that I think must be the hardest—unexpected fame. The kind where someone is in no way seeking a public-facing job and somehow, somewhere along the way, they become famous without wanting it.
There are lots of people this can happen to—from scientists to authors to architects. Some people simply want to create something incredible that people connect and relate to, and find themselves thrown into the throes of fame without time to grapple with what it means.
Or, worse, after years of relative invisibility find themselves thrust into the constant churn of fame's unbearable machinations.
"Smile!" "Answer my question!" "Why are you ignoring me?" "You're a diva because you didn't answer my exact question the way I told you that I wanted you to answer it."
These people never sought fame. They sought survival. They sought satisfaction in their profession. They sought to do the job well. And, yet, fame found them. Oh, how difficult that must be.
So, to the fame-seekers, I ask you to think long and hard about it before you pursue it. Are you ready to lose your privacy? Are you ready to have every decision you make placed under scrutiny, down to which clothes you wear (or don't) and how you choose to style your hair?
And to those interacting with famous folks—give them a break. Yes, some of them sought it. Some of them accepted it. But that doesn't mean they are any less human and deserving of kindness, consideration, and courtesy.
Being famous has its perks, sure, but it also strips a lot away. It takes, and it takes, and it takes. So, remember to give famous folks some space, too. Let them be people, still, because that is what they are. At the core... still human.
Because their family and dearest friends won't remember them the same way a fan will. A fan will remember the performer and all the pieces that they gleaned from magazines and interviews. But their friends and family will remember the person, the individual, the heart and soul beneath it all with which they had a meaningful relationship.
They're still human. It's okay to let them be human. At least, that's my take on it.
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Dreaming of Garbage
AKA misc. Tatalov lore dump lol
It's a little late now to be making an analysis post on the Sweet Dreams "Penacony "The Great Tatalov" video, but who cares? I'm still working an Interstellar Journey post and that video has been out for even longer.
The video, for the most part, alternates between two speakers: Shatana and Himeko. Shatana, of course, is Natasha (they share voice actors, and Shatana is an outright anagram of Natasha). Of the two, Shatana is the only one who actually mentions Tatalov outright. Himeko's voicelines can be read as entirely unrelated to the whole Tatalov plotline going on, so for the purposes of this post, I'm ignoring what she has to say.
Most players won't remember this, but the first mention of Tatalov actually occurred as far back as 1.0 through interacting with a trash can in Boulder Town. (Thanks to u/merofsilence for pointing it out, I didn't catch that!) The dialogue is about the defeat of Garbage King Tatalov, by the hands of a younger trash can.
I... highly doubt these roles are fulfilled by Sampo and the Trailblazer, mostly because even in dreams we'd be able to sus out that Sampo wouldn't talk like that, but I digress; it's a dream at the end of the day. (I also have my doubts about the big trash can that Sampo fights being Tatalov, but that's more likely.) Though I do think this will be the same end we see for Tatalov when we arrive in Penacony, though.
The scenes with garbage or those taking place in Belabog are from the Tatalov dream; everything else is from Penacony, or a dream-like version of the planet. One of the inspirations for Penacony seems to have been Inception, a movie about dreams within dreams; so there are layers to these dreams, right? Reality is Penacony as it truly is/the hotel, and the first level of the dream is where all the fun parts of Penacony are. This makes Tatalov's story in a later level.
I imagine that part of the Penacony story (minus the details of interactions with other characters and actual larger-scale conflict) will go something like this:
The Astral Express crew checks into the hotel on the planet and then gets escorted to their respective rooms to enter the dreaming state. After arriving at their rooms, everyone starts to sleep.
We encounter Firefly in the first level of the dream. The photos with Firefly? She's just showing us around. Seems to have been some kind of conflict we're protecting her from and a secret she's hiding from us, too.
Enter the next dream? Or we enter that dream later.
The Trailblazer's dream brings them back to a Belabog populated by Trash Cans (hence the setting being Belabog), where we reunite with our beloved trash and the Big Bad Sampo.
We meet Shatana, played by Natasha, and she begs us for our help to rise up against Tatalov, who regardless of if he is or isn't represented by Sampo, is the Great Evil we must defeat to save the trash.
She tells us, "since that thing from beyond the sky arrived here along with the Eternal Freeze, Tatalov's eyes have been blinded." The thing from beyond the sky is, perhaps, meant to be the Stellaron, and it turned Tatalov into a poor ruler (maybe a reference to Cocolia?). "We must force the Garbage King to mend his ways under the banner of Skyfire" is just fighting back against Tatalov. Skyfire is a curse we can apply on enemies from Foxian Tales of the Haunted to make them explode, dealing Fire DMG... so probably a reference to that, and a nod towards Preservation Trailblazer. If Skyfire here is meant to mean anything else, then my guess is as good as yours.
Firefly might be sharing this dream with us? We do seem to share the dream with her when exploring Penacony (re: speculation that she exists only in a dream), and there was a trash can next to us when we got bombed, followed by Firefly's comment of "what kind of nonsense is this?" Our dream is too much for her, whoops.
I have no fucking clue who Sampo is talking about when he says "Follow me, you two." Like, one of the two people is probably the Trailblazer, but I'm skeptical to assume the second person could be Shatana... so who knows. Maybe Firefly? Anyways, he appears at some point to get in our way and terrorize the trash cans. What a cruel, evil man...
Success(?) and defeat of Tatlov to follow. The dream might end there, or we might enter a new dream, who knows.
As all this is happening, everyone else is down to business and battle and whatever is going down apparently involves whales. Based off the rough timeline from White Night, this would be during the dreaming time.
It's an absurd story we've dreamt up, but given how fleshed out some of the details are and the full on movie poster at the end of the video, it's likely a story we've been thinking about for a while. Trailblazer's Main Character arc to save the Trash Cans!
Parts I wasn't sure where to fit in timeline-wise:
So a massive Sampo throwing us into to Penacony? That happened, I guess. It could be a dream or it could some Alice In Wonderland mushrooms shit, since there was a massive March at some point too, though that was in a dream, I think...
We may have crashed in front of Robin and Sunday after we were tossed down. The ground from the crater looks similar to the ground in the photos.
There's also a normal-sized "Sampo" (he seems to be manipulated by Sparkle, what with the koi fish flying out of the way to reveal him with glowing eyes) who puts us to sleep at some point outside of the Tatalov dream, perhaps to force us back into that dream.
The part with green framing? I guess that's Sam's POV since the green is similar to his wings. And Acheron teams up with Black Swan and the Trailblazer to fight Sam... why is Black Swan fighting. Does she have something personal against the Stellaron Hunters? She's literally a meme, what the fuck. This is before Acheron has drawn her sword, so this is a different point in time than the one shown in White Night.
There's a quick sequence that doesn't really mean a lot yet; some bubbles, the... watch thingy or whatever floating in Penacony (I didn't pay attention during the livestream, no clue what its called), and some ID cards or some shit. I can't make out the letters well enough to translate them to English but it's at 1:04 for anyone interested.
#honkai: star rail#hsr#recall and retrieve#building an accelerated tree#trailblazer#tatalov#sampo koski is back! even if it's just a dream!#watched inception last week for this lol#it is. a christopher nolan movie alright#the movie is fine but#I think he could benefit a lot from giving female characters a personality#he'd write better females characters if he just made them all male first then genderbent some later... </3
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All the White Rabbit Evidence We Have So Far: A Masterpost
If you know me, you know I LOVE ARG’s and analogue horror. The Mandela Catalogues, Mystery Flesh Pit National Park, Local 58, and so many others are some of my favourite forms of storytelling. So, imagine my surprise now that WWE has seemingly entered into an analog horror narrative of their own! I’m salivating over this so I figure I should compile all the evidence into one grand post for everyone who is as excited as I am about it to speculate without having to dig for links and hints! Here’s a semi-in order timeline of events so far (Updated up to September 19th, 2022)
Friday, September 16:
WWE plays a vocals only version of “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane during a Smackdown commercial break. Everyone is confused:
Saturday, September 17th & Sunday, September 18th:
WWE plays it again at two separate house shows, one of which is linked below. Speculation heats up as to who it might be:
Kyle Scarborough, a designer who has worked with WWE in the past, posts this cryptic tweet, captioned “feed your head” in distorted writing, which is coincidentally (or not so coincidentally) the final lyrics of the song that’s been building interest:
Monday, September 19th:
This is the day it’s all heated up. WWE once AGAIN airs the teaser during a RAW commercial break. Note that none of this has been on TV thus far:
Now this is the big one. Up to this point, there had still been debate as to whether or not this was just a standard sound check thing that is otherwise unrelated to anything else. At 9:23pm EST, however, we learned that most certainly is not the case. At that exact time, someone walked by in the background of a shot during RAW holding up a QR code on a sign (this QR code was also seen behind Austin Theory at one point)
The QR code leads you to this video when scanned:
The video culminates with a flashing “9.23 9:23” likely insinuating something is going to go down on that date at that time. Smackdown will be airing at that time as well, hmmmmmm 🤔 The video asks the question “Who killed the world?” which is answered with “You did.” through a game of hangman. The letters crossed out by the end are DEIMNOUXY in a 2-1-3-1-2 pattern
This is what we have as clear evidence thus far, HOWEVER it is not the end of what we have to work off of.
Karrion Kross is a fan favourite pick for the culprit of all of this due to his previous white rabbit gimmick, however he has seemingly denied any connection to it, which you can read here:
That being said, the presence of the hourglass in the teaser would potentially suggest involvement. He could certainly be lying about a lack of involvement, but it just seems strange to give away such a clear connection to an otherwise well-executed analog mystery as well as it being weird to switch up his gimmick so soon after re-debuting and certainly in the midst of his current deal which is working well for him so far.
Which, if he’s a red herring, leaves us with one other big, exciting, likely possibility. Bray Wyatt. I’m a major fan of his so I’m guilty like everyone else of shoehorning him into everything he might fit into in hopes that he’ll be back. HOWEVER, this might have been something he’s been building up to for some time! Let’s take a look at some clues:
Bray’s bio on Twitter has recently changed to “He who opens the doors below” which is very rabbit hole-esque to me. What is MORE interesting is that seemingly random red circle pictured below:
which matches with the red circle in the teaser vid:
another major clue revolves around a tweet Bray sent out back in July which, if this is related, is the absolute biggest brain 5D chess move I’ve ever seen. On July 4th, he tweeted the below:
this tweet has been nagging me since I first saw it because it feels like a glaring clue for SOMETHING, but I could never figure out what! Someone on reddit may have, though. TL;DR of the reddit post is that when searching up The Devil’s Hole in Self, Arkansas, OP discovered a forum in which some weird freaky strange stuff was said about the location, posted in 2004 by a moderator with the username… drumroll please…
WHITE. RABBIT.
5D chess y’all, i’m telling you. It may be a stretch, but if it ends up being true this man has to be seen as the greatest creative mind in wrestling history.
There are also the lingering threads such as Bray dressing up as The Mad Hatter back in the Funhouse or the fact that they had plans to make fucked up masks of all the Funhouse puppets, which would’ve included Ramblin’ Rabbit.
Whatever the case may be, WWE is doing some cool shit right now y’all! I really don’t think I’ve ever been this excited about a wrestling related thing in my life because of the way it’s providing me with the pieces but letting me and my community work together to theorize and solve it! Analog stories are fun guys, and wrestling is an unmatched art form :) See you all on Friday at 9:23pm EST 🫡
#i’ll be updating this post as we get more evidence through reblogs so follow me if you want that i guess!!!#or if you wanna discuss analog horror#wwe#bray wyatt#karrion kross#professional wrestling
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Between the Lines- Ep. 7
Warnings- PG-13 due to Swearing and Explicit Language, Innuendos and bad jokes, Mature Themes, Violent References
Index
Ep. 6
Not telling Lilly about leveraging my sister’s contacts was possibly the hardest I’ve ever bit my tongue. #IAmJake, for all of my doubts, was actually taking off. There was nothing the internet loved more than the chance to stick it to “the man”, so the story of a government-wanted hacker being thrown into the line of fire while just trying to help find his missing friend played into that narrative pretty well.
I think she knew, though, since she continued to keep me updated on the progress despite the fact that I hadn’t participated directly at all.
I wanted to— I’d actually started several times, but stopped just short of hitting enter. I still had access to Nym-0s and the link to the video about Hannah, and I worried that if I got linked any closer to Jake, it might put what few secrets he had given me at risk. I wondered if Lilly’s involvement wasn’t a bit of a liability, too, but hers could be seen as making amends. Since she’d contacted people directly about the movement, compared to her very public video, most people probably still thought she hated him.
Which, since it would be safer for her, was probably fine with Jake.
Paige had been a godsend, though. I could tell she wasn’t happy about it, at all, but she accepted my determination without much more than cursory protests and then threw her weight into pulling whatever strings she had available.
As it turned out, one of the photographers she’d worked with had some higher profile clients than she’d known, and really wanted to bang her. As a result, I was actually seeing the hashtag on profiles I’d had for things totally unrelated to my own social circle. It was actually a bit trippy the first time I saw it pop up on a profile I’d made exclusively for when I wanted to scroll through cat pictures.
Guess I wasn’t the only crazy cat lady in his corner anymore.
I wasn’t sure how I felt, sharing Jake in this way. Before Lilly’s video, talking to him had felt like my own illicit secret, even the others weren’t totally sure of my level of association with him. Now, they all knew his name, along with so many others, and it felt like what little claim I had on him was gone. Even though Lilly considered us together now, it just didn’t feel the same.
Especially since I still had no idea if he even knew she thought we were together.
It temporarily mollified me a bit when the group automatically assumed the movement was my doing. But even that, I knew, was as much about what they didn’t know as what they did. Jake’s absence, now by far the longest we’d gone since our first conversation, was making me question everything and doubt myself in ways I was struggling to get control over.
I knew he’d be back for Hannah, of course. Now that I knew their connection, it all made sense. How many times had I bent over backwards to put the fear of god in some asshole who was making Paige cry, or drive two towns over to pick her up off the pavement when she got too drunk? And wasn’t she, right now, throwing her professional life on the line over Jake for me?
Similarly, after everything, I was having a really hard time staying mad at Lilly. Looking back, it occurred to me that he’d never seemed angry about it. Annoyed, inconvenienced, maybe even sad. But he didn’t seem to blame her. And he could have deleted her video himself, or just sent one of us his explanation with no strings, but it was important to him that we work through our anger.
She’d hurt him way more than she had me, so it probably wasn’t my grudge to hold. We’d revisit the issue if it ended up he was captured or hurt, though.
I’d also ended up her confidant for her attempts to come to terms with everything. That, I was a bit more conflicted with, but I also knew I was the only one she could talk to. Hannah was missing, telling her parents would only cause more upheaval, and she felt honor bound not to tell the group. So while I had to bite back a cutting remark every now and then, I was pretty practiced at that by now considering my sense of humor.
It was during one of these times that the first hacking attempt startled me into dropping my phone. Which, once I’d gathered my wits a bit, made me feel pretty silly. If there was anything you’d think I’d be used to by now, it would be my phone being accessed by someone else. But since when could my phone recognize that? Was this what Jake had done ages ago when he’d had me open my devices for him? I’d been under the impression that he was mainly looking to shield the dubious nature of our work, or maybe program a kill switch if it went bad and I got arrested or something.
Man, I really needed to learn to ask for details.
The fact that it was Nym-0s that pushed back the attack wasn’t lost on me either, that name was engraved into my mind now from the amount of times I’d listened to that video by now. So it was definitely Jake’s doing.
But why?
I mean, I guess I did opt out of sharing the hashtag for similar reasons. Other than Hannah, who was missing, I was really the only person with a confirmed link to Jake that wasn’t just a casual social media post. Maybe not sharing it made me look more suspicious? Reverse psychology wasn’t my thing.
The second attempt actually made me a bit nervous. Location tracking was a bit more alarming than just trying to access my device. I mean, maybe it shouldn’t have been since I had no idea what they could do with my device versus my location, but there was something a bit sinister about the idea that they wanted to find me, not just search through my chats with Jake.
But I didn’t know anything. What good would knowing where I was do? I guess they could take my phone from me, but that didn’t make sense, I could just break it or something. My phone number alone made it clear Jake couldn’t have come to me to hide, and there was no way I could have gone there without a huge paper trail that would be much easier to trace than my phone.
I couldn’t determine what they wanted from me, but suddenly my location didn’t seem as far from everything as it had before. Worse, the fact that this program existed on my phone meant Jake hadn’t told me something. Again. Boy was that getting old.
We’d have to talk about that at some point. Through this mess, I was discovering that I could accept a lot in a relationship. Reading every word I said, making changes to my device, and being a fugitive? That was fine. But don’t make decisions for me, and don’t keep secrets.
Well, at least I was learning about myself…
I was also learning just how prone I was to bouts of hysterical laughter during stress. That one I knew, abstractly, but had never been hit with enough stressors in a row to really know how warped my sense of humor got when all else went to shit.
MC: Oh my god.
MC: Phil just asked Jessy if I was single.
Paige: WHAT?
MC: He’s still never seen me. What is he playing at?
Paige: 🤷🏻♀️
I was a bit confused when Jessy told Phil she didn’t know if I felt the same way as Jake. I hadn’t really discussed him with her since my pity party a while ago, I supposed, and it was possible that Paige said something to her about Joe (how were they talking? Why hadn’t spy mode alerted me?) but the fact that all of these people seemed so sure about his feelings was just baffling to me.
Am I really just that bad at this???
___
Jessy: Guys, look at this!
When I swapped over to the group chat, I was confronted with a picture of… me. Pink hair, black lipstick, and cat ears.
MC: Oh god.
MC: Where did you find that?
Jessy: Facebook! Well, Paige sent it to me from Facebook.
MC: That was like 12 years ago!
MC: How did you even find my profile?
Jessy: She and I have been friends for a while and I tried looking for you but didn’t see anything. Your name and profile picture are different.
So that was where they were talking. Cool.
MC: Look. I have no excuse except that I was young.
Dan: Damn, MC. You had a nose ring?
MC: I still do, but not the point.
Jessy: And tattoos!
Richy: I never would have guessed.
I decided to let the teasing distract me for a little bit, the group chat had been so serious for a while now.
MC: Yeah, what were you guys like at 18?
Dan: Mostly this.
MC: Okay, that I believe.
MC: I had a goth phase. It happens.
Jessy: I love the hair! The lipstick doesn’t suit you though.
MC: I looked like a ghost. But you know, that’s what I was going for.
Dan: I’ve never seen what you look like now, so you could still be goth
Had I never shared a picture in the big chat? Huh. Jessy already knew, and Cleo too, but it only now occurred to me that none of the guys or Lilly had any idea what I looked like. But Jessy quickly took care of that too, sending the picture that Paige had taken for the Single Ladies.
MC: Okay I don’t look like that either, my sister does magic.
Jessy: You’re pretty! You just look extra fancy here.
MC: And about 5 years younger.
MC: Jessy, why were you looking for my profile?
Jessy: 😘
MC: Do I need to kill Paige?
Jessy: Noooo! She just likes talking about you and stuff from when you were younger.
MC: Don’t take them to heart too much, I grew up and got boring. 🤣
Jessy: You did not!
As if the universe could sense that we were enjoying a moment of light-hearted fun, it all came crashing down. Thomas interrupted with a clip from the news, finally naming the woman they’d found so long ago as Amy Bell Lewis. It was good to have a name, but sobering to be brought back down to earth so violently.
The group was wholly unhelpful in learning about her. It seemed like she was quiet, maybe a loner. For a half second, I wondered how many people would know anything about me if I was killed. At least, beyond a nose ring and tattoo, I guess. But I knew it would take a while before anyone noticed I was missing other than the people from work.
Additionally, it was somewhat disturbing how long it had taken to release her name, and how easily we’d forgotten about her after learning it wasn’t Hannah. She had to have people out there wanting to know what happened to her too, right? Had there been a group chat like this dedicated to finding her? Or had she really gone totally unnoticed for so long that her absence was overlooked entirely?
No one had any idea what her connection was to Hannah, either, so it must not have been anything recent, or significant. Could they know each other from therapy? If they had regular appointment times, they could have met in the waiting room.
Not everyone who is quiet is depressed, MC.
Phil’s arrest, too, threw a cold bucket of water on the group, and once again I found myself wanting to give Jessy a hug and comfort her. So much of the recent activity had hit home for her— the attack, her workplace being marked, and now her brother being arrested. She had so much on her plate and there wasn’t anything any of us could do to help.
I hated to prod her about the attack, but now that her brother had been arrested, I hoped that she’d be more eager to go over it and it would be less traumatic.
Way to pretend anything positive is coming from this. When did I become so cold-hearted?
I’d forgotten that Richy knew Jessy was out the night of the attack. I went over to my notebook and wrote that under him and, praying for Jessy to forgive me, I made a page for Phil, writing about the arrest and Hannah’s call.
Jessy’s blind faith that I was worth the risk, even after she was attacked, left me wallowing in guilt. How could she think that, while I was safe from the culprit, hiding away while he stalked them to scare me?
I had to start planning to go there. It would take time, and a fair bit of it, to get the money together. But I could take on extra hours, and budget carefully. I had to stop thinking of Duskwood as a place I wanted to see, and start thinking of it as somewhere I needed to go. To help my friends.
As I was explaining to Jessy about the attacks on my phone, I sent off an email to my boss about working out additional shifts. My work hadn’t been the best lately, but I’d been there for a while and hoped that my recent boost in productivity counted for something.
___
Oddly, Phil had added himself to my rotation of adopted randos from Duskwood. Maybe Jessy had told him I was single, or I was still just the town’s new shiny toy and he needed to get his turn to play.
Maybe I would throw Paige at him sometime soon.
Not that I didn’t appreciate the attention. Hadn’t that been the whole reason I’d gone out with Joe? I’d never had much self-esteem, and external validation could easily make or break it. Being a hermit for years now meant that just about every man I encountered was either a co-worker, paid to smile and be nice, or a stranger at the supermarket.
He didn’t just flirt, either. We talked about music a couple of times, though he was way more familiar with a broad variety of things where I mostly listened to the same bands on repeat. I suppose he didn’t have much choice, working a bar.
I still didn’t know ages for the group— it kept slipping my mind to between all of the death and vigilantism—but I suspected that I was somewhere between Jessy and Phil. Jessy’s sweetness and naïveté made her seem far younger than she likely was, yet I felt like I was probably a bit closer to Phil’s age than Jessy’s.
He gave me a few funny stories about regulars, and I talked about the times I had to drag my dad’s drunk ass home from the bar.
MC: To be fair, he’s nicer drunk than he is sober.
MC: You can always tell when he’s had enough, he starts actually talking about his feelings. 😂
Phil: I’ve got a few of those. You learn a lot about them very fast.
MC: My dad’s bartender knows his AND my entire life story. Every time I go home for a visit he starts asking me about stuff I didn’t even think I told my dad.
The one thing I still hadn’t opened up to the group much about was my family, at least outside of Paige. She may have told Jessy about our rather dysfunctional adolescence, especially if she sent her a photo from that time. But I didn’t think Paige would go into much detail about it either. She was less tight-lipped about it all, but also knew I tried not to mix that life with my current.
But it kind of felt good to talk to someone about part of that craziness, and as a bartender, I knew my dad would barely scratch the surface of what it took to faze Phil.
Phil: It sounds like he’s proud of you then :)
Phil: I bet you’re adorable when you show up to get him home safe
MC: Again, I remind you that you’ve never seen a picture of me and have no idea what I look like.
Phil: You could send me one
MC: That would make it seem like I’m encouraging your behavior.
Phil: Tease
Phil: I could just ask Jessy you know ;)
MC: But you haven’t yet. Pretty sure it’s not about the picture at this point, it’s about winning.
Phil: I imagine both would be equally enjoyable.
MC: Nice try, I almost believed you that time.
Phil: It’s almost time to open, talk to you later, Mystery Woman.
Rolling my eyes, I didn’t bother replying and went back to my contacts list, checking to see if Jake was online out of habit. He wasn’t, but Richy was.
For all I felt like I’d talked to Richy, I couldn’t say I really knew much about him. He’d never disappeared the way Thomas and Dan had, or pushed me away like Lilly. But it felt like Cleo and Jessy had both tried to connect with me in a way that Richy had only ever attempted once, with the Dare House.
Maybe it was worth a try again. I had a sense he was hiding something, if only because of how much he occasionally reminded me about what I was hiding.
MC: So, you’ve told me about your childhood trauma from the time you peed yourself in the forest. What else you got?
Richy: Excuse me?
MC: Sorry, that sounded way more friendly and casual in my head. Let me try to speak human.
MC: You told me about the Dare House but I don’t know much else about you and I wanted to learn more.
Richy: So you’re starting with childhood traumas? 😂
MC: To be fair, that’s where you started, too.
Richy: That’s actually fair. 😒
Richy: I didn’t pee, I just almost did.
Richy: But also, what makes you think there’s more than that?
MC: Jessy has to yell at you for your morbid jokes almost as often as she has to yell at me.
MC: You just kind of smile through it all. I know that look.
Richy: Are you saying because I smile too much I must be hiding some dark secret?
MC: It’s the type of smile. But yeah, pretty much. I don’t trust people who smile too much.
Richy: Jessy smiles a lot too.
MC: Jessy feels everything a lot, though. You’ve got that quiet thing going, and it’s always the quiet ones.
Richy: 😳
Richy: Are you flirting with me?
MC: No, but I can see how you’d think that.
MC: I just finished talking to Phil, so his energy must have rubbed off on me or something.
Richy: Phil? Why did you talk to him?
MC: I have no life? And I’m supposed to be investigating aren’t I?
Richy: So you think he’s involved?
MC: No clue, but he’s been super friendly since he got my number.
Richy: 🙄
MC: I can’t be womanized across the world. No one’s that impressive, trust me.
MC: Come on, tell me your damage.
Richy: You don’t let go do you?
MC: Never!
Richy: I guess it’s just my parents. My dad and I don’t see eye to eye much and my mom isn’t well.
I flinched. I hadn’t expected to get to the big stuff that fast, or to relate so hard to his answer. Why couldn’t these people be totally unlikable?
MC: Woof, I feel those.
Richy: So you’ve got parent problems too?
MC: You could definitely say that, yeah.
MC: Okay, I’ll give you once since you played nice with me, too.
MC: Well, you saw the picture Jessy sent. Around that time I was dating this guy. We got up to some crazy stuff, things were hectic at home and my parents didn’t really keep an eye on me very well.
MC: One time we got super drunk and went skinny dipping in this fountain. There were a bunch of us though and one of them apparently was too drunk to remember how to stand up. We had to “save” her from like six inches of water, and for some reason it made me terrified of swimming when I drink.
I hated remembering that day, of course, but in terms of my own damage it was relatively far down the list. But it was decently low-stakes so it wouldn’t bring down the mood too far, and I was hoping that maybe quid pro quo would open him up a bit.
Richy: Teenagers and booze is always a bad time.
I laughed. That was an understatement. Still, of the two I imagined that talking about his parents would help me understand him way more than drunken teenage shenanigans would.
MC: You’re telling me!
MC: It really sucks about your mom, though. Genuinely. I can’t imagine that it doesn’t take a toll.
Richy: That’s why I took over the garage. He’s taking care of her. That’s a full time job some days.
Well now I was feeling guilty. There was always this fine line between playing with their lives and investigating, and right now I felt like I was crossing it. Still, I told myself it had to be good for him to open up, if nothing else. From what I’d seen so far, this group kept far too much to themselves and really could use a good therapist for the lot of them.
Not Barrett, preferably.
MC: I can imagine, it takes a lot to do home care for someone really sick.
MC: You know you can talk to me any time, right?
MC: Isn’t that the fun of internet strangers? You don’t have to care what I think. What does it matter if I judge you?
Richy: I might just take you up on that some day, MC.
MC: Good.
I let a small smile cross my lips. Hopefully I could help my friends in ways beyond just helping Hannah.
___
By the time of the third cyber attack, I wasn’t scared. At least, not in the way it seemed like Jake thought I was.
The attempt to hack my phone had been startling, of course. I’d gotten used to the feeling that I was never alone on my devices, knowing that someone could be there at any time.
But the word hack had become almost benign to me at this point. It represented the lengths you were willing to go to for the people you loved, silently pulling data meant to get you one step closer to ensuring their safety.
I’d gotten used to (and disturbingly accepting of) the idea of curious, but admittedly creepy, observation. At some point over the last few weeks, it’d become almost a game, and there were definitely times I tried to use it to my advantage and provoke him.
This was different. This wasn’t an awkward, formal man refusing to discuss the constant stream of innuendos and bullshit I spew while he carefully reviews for any leads. This was targeted and hostile, an attack.
But truthfully, I was still calm about it. Despite my heart racing and ears ringing when the masked faces appeared on my screen, waiting for my face to appear on theirs, I recalled it even minutes later with almost a scoff. The aggressive, over-the-top performance looked like they’d left it in the hands of the interns to do, using cheap props and left over Halloween costumes. The lack of effort they put into making it convincing made me realize something.
Ultimately, if they knew enough to try to get into my phone, they knew where I was. They knew what I looked like. If they’d been able to nearly track down Jake, there’s no way they didn’t already know everything about me down to when my next period was due. I grew up on the internet, my entire social life was virtual— there were too many leaks to plug, too much info out there, to think otherwise.
To think that they needed to access my phone for that was absurd. But I wasn’t the target. It didn’t matter if I was scared of the ski masks and wordless threats. It didn’t matter if I cared about it if they knew where I was. I was an object, a pawn.
They didn’t want me. They’d probably never waste time actually coming for me, not unless they got desperate. I was useless to them, I didn’t know where he was, I could only contact him if he could contact me, and the only thing I knew less about than computers was Jake himself. Coming to get me would be a liability to them. Open them up to scrutiny, require money, effort, time.
It was Jake’s fear they wanted. And for that, they didn’t need costumes or elaborate plans. It was my existence, and their awareness of it, that left him terrified. And I was only useful alive. Kill me, and they lose their leverage, and make Jake even less likely to ever risk another connection and give them that advantage again.
No, their power was in making Jake think they would use me.
For all that Jake pushed me away and tried to keep me from caring, my feelings didn’t matter to my safety. They never did. The second he started caring, and Lilly’s video linked us and made them aware of it, I became incredibly important in a way I never had been before.
Creating Nym-0s and rushing in to cut their access just made it even more clear. He’d tipped his hand, confirmed their suspicions, and exposed himself even more. If he hadn’t been so worried about putting me in danger… we may have both been in less danger.
It made me want to shake him by the shoulders and yell, but it also made me a little sad.
Not just because of the missed time and hurt it’d caused me, and maybe even him. Not just because I knew he would be carrying the guilt of the risk of association for a while now. Not even just because he’d see this as proving him right.
But because the life he’s led for so long now made it so he hadn’t even considered the result of his feelings, just the actions he took. He’d spent so much time suppressing everything, and now that he couldn’t keep that up when surrounded by the stress and trauma of what we were going through, he risked becoming lost.
I didn’t know him well enough to be as sure of this as I was, but some part of me knew with absolute certainty that no matter what happened, he’d never stop working to protect me from then. Even if I broke his heart and walked away, never spoke to him again, he’d never risk leaving me vulnerable.
And that meant I’d always be his weak spot.
Still, seeing his name on my screen again, I did start to cry. I wanted to get mad at him for being gone, for not telling me when he realized they might be coming after me, but he was so broken up and remorseful about the hacking attempt that I had to wait. I couldn’t kick him while he was down like this. Besides, wasn’t I beating myself up about the same thing for Jessy not too long ago?
But we would talk about it, and soon.
I gave Lilly credit for the social media campaign, of course. It had been her idea, after all, and I hadn’t even told her what I’d done. She probably knew, but we’d left it unsaid and I knew she needed this, needed something to convince herself she didn’t totally ruin her brother’s life.
As the shock of his return began to fade and I relaxed into the conversation, I noticed that he sounded different to me. Still very formal, but less cold. I don’t know if he was exhausted from the stress of running, or still worried about the attacks, but something in his tone had changed. Not for the first time, I wondered if his difficulty reading tone over text extended to being unaware of what he was projecting or if he was allowing the softer emotions to slip through.
The needy part of me, which after so long was the vast majority, wanted to demand his attention for longer. It had felt like such a long time that having a short conversation didn’t feel like enough. But I knew he was behind, that he’d had a tough time, and that pushing him right now would be taking advantage of that. So I held off, only pouting in my head a little.
___
Holding off on pouncing on Jake actually worked out for the best, since not long after he logged off, Jessy dropped the bomb on me that Hannah’s GPS took her to Iris’s house, and that Hannah believed Jennifer’s killer was her stalker.
Once she hung up, I groaned. It didn’t make sense, it didn’t fit. Just another corner piece where I already had more than I’d ever need for one puzzle. The legend centered around vengeance, where Hannah’s diaries and therapy session were clearly guilt related. What vendetta would Jennifer’s killer— whether the method was car or murder— have against Hannah, who was a child at the time? How did Amy fit?
Every time I thought that maybe I had something figured out, something else came in and blew it all up. I could only hope that Jessy’s search into the car gave us something. And I guess just twiddle my thumbs in the meantime.
Dan seemed to be struggling about being left on the sidelines as much as I was, laying the blame on Phil for his car. Even when he was talking to Jessy about Dan missing his shift, I didn’t sense rage to the level of attempted murder. It still seemed to me more like he was tired of the shit, which fit with the conversations we’d had about the group. We were his little sister’s friends and not a whole lot more than that, and he took up way more room in our minds than we did in his.
I still wasn’t convinced that Dan’s car had been tampered with at all, frankly. Occuam’s razor had never fit a situation better than this one to my mind. I wondered if maybe he wasn’t even the tiniest bit jealous, since he was safe and uninvolved while the rest of us were in the line of fire.
I knew I’d lost control of the situation, if I’d ever even had it, once Cleo joined in and started agreeing that Phil was suspicious. I didn’t know the man beyond a few casual chats, so I knew I could easily be missing something, but it just didn’t seem to fit.
I guess I’d just have to wait and see.
___
By the time Jake finished catching up, I was ready to pull my hair out over the whole lot of them. Jessy had quit her job, Dan seemed pissed— but oddly quiet— to find out nothing was wrong with his car, and the whole group hated each other. And I just had to watch it all and do nothing.
My boss had approved O/T, and although I was a bit worried about the load I was taking on, I hoped it meant I could afford to go out there in a month or two, depending on how long it seemed like it would take once I got there. But things were falling apart fast, and I was starting to worry I wouldn’t get that kind of time. And the idea of Hannah having to wait that long didn’t sit right with me either.
As always, Jake was almost frighteningly good at keeping a level head. I’d have to ask him how he did it one day.
Just as I was thinking about how impressive his objectivity was, he asked me about Phil.
Well, “asked” is a very strong way to put it. Really he just stated facts and left it open for explanation, which made me roll my eyes. Things would be a lot easier if he just said what he meant, but that never was his style when it came to feelings he was uncomfortable with. Which appeared to be most of them, when I thought about it.
But when he said he didn’t want me to go to Duskwood, I stopped dead. Was this just coming from Phil asking me to visit? Had he seen my ticket searches? On top of that, I was reasonably sure he was in Duskwood, or at least nearby. I’d never ask, for his safety, but I had the feeling he’d want to be nearby. Did he not want me there because he was afraid I’d look for him?
I couldn’t promise him I wouldn’t go, of course. I didn’t want to lie to him, even with all his secrets and double speak, and I knew it wasn’t a promise I would keep.
My mood dropped significantly after that. Maybe he was telling the truth, that he didn’t want me to go to Duskwood because of the danger, but it felt like more. His sister was already in that danger, and I’d be with the others where I’m alone here most of the time.
I couldn’t bring myself to ask though.
Not about me, remember?
___
Somehow, no one was better at reminding me of that fact than Lilly, who was possibly the only person more in knots over Jake than I was. Her role in his life was much more… established, I supposed, since he could never not be related to her. But she’d never even spoken to him beyond the single conversation they’d had over the video, and I think the uncertainty was weighing on her.
Since finding out he was her brother, and my admission of my feelings for him (and hope-tinged bluff of reciprocation), our conversations had gained a new dynamic. Maybe she saw some bond between us with our shared secrets and worries, but either way I’d started hearing from her more than just about anyone else in the group, especially when Jessy had so much on her mind.
I was texting Paige, telling her that Jake was back and asking for some advice on how she’d made me look so different— I didn’t think I’d need it, but a few weeks ago I didn’t think I’d need a program protecting my phone from people using me as bait for a government-wanted hacker— when Lilly lit up my phone again.
Lilly: MC?
Lilly: Have you heard anything more from him? Apart from the investigation, I mean.
Lilly: I keep fretting over not knowing how he’s doing, and whether he hates me.
MC: He seems fine, though he can be a bit cavalier about his own safety to keep me from worrying. 🙄
MC: And honestly, I was way more mad at you than he was.
Lilly: I never really apologized to you properly either, did I?
MC: No, but, I was mostly mad for him once I step back and think on it. The only benefit of being nowhere near you guys is that no one in my life really cared about what you had to say.
MC: Except my sister, she may be plotting your murder, but she’s even less likely to make it over there than I am, at least I have a passport.
Lilly: Oh, I didn’t know you had siblings!
MC: One sister, younger. She drives me nuts as often as she makes me laugh, but I love her.
Lilly: Are you close?
I hesitated over telling Lilly much about Paige. At this point I trusted her well enough, and Paige could hold her own if it came to it. No, I was more worried for Lilly’s sake considering the baggage that sibling relationships held for her at the moment. Although, maybe that was why she asked.
MC: Sometimes. We’re open with each other, actually kind of disturbingly so, she has no filter and I’ve got very little. But we live pretty far apart and she’s got this whole life apart from me.
MC: But when it matters, she’s got my back and she knows I have hers.
Lilly: That’s sweet.
Lilly: Hannah and I live pretty close, but if Jake hadn’t told us all she was missing, I’m not sure when I’d have noticed.
Lilly: Don’t get me wrong, I love her! Of course I do. Please don’t think that’s what I’m saying.
Lilly: But we didn’t talk all that much, not really. I told you that back when she first talked to Jake I wouldn’t have asked her why they stopped, but I don’t really even know if I would have now either.
Lilly: We’re just so different.
Lilly: This is probably the most I’ve talked to her friends in years, since she moved out of our parents’.
Lilly: Maybe that’s why I went so hard after you and Jake.
Lilly: You were no one to her, or at least I thought so, and here you were jumping in to figure things out.
Lilly: It was… easier, maybe, to blame you than to deal with what was going on. It gave me something to focus on.
MC: I get it. If it were Paige, I don’t know what I’d do. Grief is weird and people do dumb shit with it. I just wish you’d talked to me instead. The others tried to figure me out first.
MC: Though, I gotta ask- why do you trust me now? I get Jake, his motivations are obvious now. But nothing changed about me.
Lilly: Well, I guess I just saw what type of person you are. You wanted to curse me out when I first added you, I could tell. But you heard me out when you could have held a grudge. I would have!
Lilly: It made no sense to me that you were helping Hannah. But then it also made no sense to me that you helped me. And I realize: you’re really just that weird.
Lilly: And once you and Jake made sense to me, your motivation became pretty obvious too.
MC: I started helping before I liked him, you know.
Lilly: Yep, you’re weird.
MC: So you trust me because I’m weird.
Lilly: Well, you’re also dating my brother.
MC: We are not at the meet-the-family stage, you know.
Lilly: That’s part of being weirdddddd.
And in that moment, it felt so much like talking to Paige that I had to smile and maybe admit just to myself that I liked her a little.
Which only gave me even more people to worry about when Jessy sent me the picture of the mark on her door.
___
While the others debated about whether or not to leave and took some time to think, I sat around on my ass, worrying. What was I supposed to do? I’d love for them to come to me and us all keep each other safe, but between the distance and the likelihood of Annie murdering me if I brought home that many people, it didn’t seem like the best idea.
When it started getting dark out, I accepted that I wasn’t going to get any definitive news tonight. Before I could sign out, though, I saw that at least one person was still online.
MC: Jake?
MC: I hate this.
MC: I hate sitting here safe while they’re getting stalked, attacked and marked.
MC: You’re in danger too.
MC: Meanwhile I’m just stress eating and getting fatter. My biggest risk is heart disease.
Jake: It is a good thing that you aren’t at risk, MC.
I couldn’t help but huff out a laugh at his total side-step of the stress eating topic. Maybe he wasn’t totally socially inept.
MC: But I can’t DO anything! I’m useless.
Jake: You have done an excellent job with the investigation, even without my help.
Jake: Additionally, I realize you gave Lilly all of the credit for the distraction, but the location information makes it easy to trace two separate hot spots.
Jake: Though I’m not thrilled at the idea of pulling their attention even more in your direction, I know you were involved.
MC: I didn’t even do that, though, Paige did. Just like Jessy and the others are the ones going out and looking for things, I just sift through it all.
MC: I’m sorry, you have things you’ve got to do. I just needed to whine a little.
Jake: You underestimate the effect you have and how important your role has been.
MC: I’m so scared for them, and for you. I know you say I don’t have to worry, but that’s like telling me not to care. Do you want that?
Jake: It would be safer for you.
MC: That’s not what I asked, though.
Jake is typing…
I watched him type and erase for a while, biting the inside of my cheek. I’d told myself I wasn’t going to do this, adding my own bullshit onto the stress he was carrying already. But by now there was just too much going on in my head, and so little I could do to deal with it. It seemed like no matter how hard I worked to unravel the mystery, the more threads I pulled, the more of a mess it became.
I just needed to quiet one voice. Just for a bit. And this felt like the only one I even had the tiniest chance at. It wasn’t fair to him, not at all, but I had to know. So I didn’t jump in to let him off the hook, not this time. I didn’t let my phone go idle or swap screens. I needed a reply, and I was willing to wait for it if I had to.
Jake: Selfishly, no, I don’t want that at all. I know it’s not right and I should be allowing you to be with someone who could offer you more than this, but it was the knowledge that you were there and waiting to hear from me that kept me going. I read your messages whenever I could, and it meant more than I can express to see that you didn’t hate me and that your feelings seemed unchanged by what you’d learned.
Jake: You were so confident that I would return, I couldn’t allow myself to disappoint you.
MC: I’m glad you liked them, I was so afraid I was being super annoying, spamming you like that.
Jake: Admittedly, there were times it became rather distracting. I had disabled alerts for the rest of the chats but couldn’t bring myself to mute ours. It was occasionally difficult not to reply.
MC: I was worried about that, I should have been more careful. I just missed you, I guess.
Jake: No, it was… appreciated.
I fiddled with my phone, at war with myself. I should let myself be happy with this, already far more than he’d ever opened up before. The temptation was too great, though, as if the combination of his absence and the hint of the growing connection made for an addicting brew.
MC: You don’t want me to not come there because you don’t want to see me, right?
After hitting enter, I re-read that and cringed. There was probably a way I could have said that more awkwardly and included more negatives, but fuck if I knew how. Thankfully, he replied much more quickly this time, which I tried to take as a good sign rather than letting my insecurities take over and topple this house of cards we were building.
Jake: That thought hadn’t even crossed my mind.
MC: I know it sounds silly. I think I just get lost in doubt when I’m left to my own devices too long.
Jake: It sounds like we should avoid letting that happen, then.
I chuckled. He may not have meant that as flirty as I took it, but who could really blame a girl for letting her mind wander just a bit, right?
MC: Yes, that’s a very good idea.
Jake: It would certainly be much harder to prevent myself from coming to see you if you weren’t half a world away, and right now it would be too risky. There are too many eyes on us both. But I don’t expect that to mean you avoid my entire hemisphere, nor do I want you to. When the time comes, I want you to meet your friends, and of course I would like to meet you as well.
Jake: I simply would very much prefer that when it happens, Duskwood is home to fewer masked criminals.
MC: Fewer bartenders as well?
Jake: Mmh, it doesn’t seem like you’re much safer from that particular danger where you are, either.
Huh, this was the closest he’d ever come to acknowledging Joe, though he wasn’t a bartender. Still, since I hadn’t gone drinking out of my house since right after this whole thing had started, I couldn’t imagine what else he was referring to.
MC: I imagine that means you got into other messages, then.
Jake: I…
Jake: Yes. I don’t have an excuse for this one, as there was never a chance he was related to Hannah and I knew it.
Jake: It won’t happen again.
MC: I appreciate that, and you telling the truth.
MC: Joe was my reaction, and an immature one, to being pushed away.
Jake: You owe me no excuses, it was my choices that led to the both of us being in that position.
MC: I know, but I want to explain, so there’s no misunderstanding.
MC: He’s a very nice guy, a friend of my roommate’s boyfriend, who I met a while back, before I even knew your name. Annie is pretty desperate for me to be less of a drag, so I think she tried to set me up with him.
MC: You had made it clear nothing could happen, and I tried to make him as aware of the situation as possible without giving anything away about you, so I know I was free to see who I wanted and didn’t do anything wrong.
MC: But it may have sucked for you to read, regardless of whether you should have been or not.
I decided not to point out that I still had no idea whether or not I was free to date someone else, being that we still really hadn’t discussed our status in the slightest since that time. His reaction to Phil, and even somewhat to Joe, made me think that he at least didn’t particularly like the idea, and it seemed like that was hard enough for him to admit as it was.
At the same time, after the number of bad experiences I’d had in the past with it, I wasn’t crazy about committing myself to someone that I didn’t know for sure was committed to me without at least a conversation. But for now, my feelings alone would make dating anyone else a bit of a bad idea, so for now I’d hold off.
Jake: I thank you for the honesty. I certainly didn’t enjoy it, but as you said, you had no reason not to act freely and it was my own fault that I had become aware.
MC: Well, I’d hate knowing you were talking to another girl, so I wanted to clear it up.
MC: I was jealous enough of Hannah as it was 😂🤭
Jake: Yes, that was a bit uncomfortable, as you can likely imagine. It was difficult to think of ways to reassure you without giving too much away.
MC: Guess I’ll have to think of something to call you other than bro now, seems like that’s taken. Dude? My guy? Dan seems to have taken Hackerman up, but I could co-opt it, I do like that one.
MC: Broski is close enough to bro but not quite.
Jake: I have full faith that you will come up with endless alternatives that are plenty physically painful to read.
MC: That’s what I’m here for, isn’t it? 😎
Jake: I’ve missed your ability to make me laugh.
MC: I’ve missed you actually finding me funny.
MC: Oh god, it must be like 3am there, why didn’t you say anything?
Jake: You know that my sleep schedule tends to be rather unusual.
MC: Right, but I’m pretty sure you haven’t been sleeping well while you were running.
MC: And don’t think I haven’t noticed it shifting later and later over the last couple of weeks.
Jake: It only made sense to adjust my schedule a bit considering that’s when you’re most available.
Jake: You spend most of your day working and discussing things with the group, and that leaves us free to debrief in your evenings.
I hadn’t totally been sure that I had anything to do with his changing patterns, but the delay in his response and detailed explanation confirmed it for me. Feeling suddenly much lighter, I giggled quietly to myself.
MC: Well I don’t want to be an excuse for your insomnia tonight, Hackerman. At least swap to your phone and get in bed while you talk.
Jake: I will turn in shortly, I’ve just finished setting a few things up.
MC: Nope, you got me in bossy mode. I’ll be sitting right here waiting until you’re in bed. ⌚️👀
Jake: It’s not even ten for you, I’m not keeping you awake.
MC: First of all, unlike you, I like my sleep. I go to bed as soon as I can justify it and wake up as late as I can get away with. Second, I said you were going to bed, not me.
Jake: If it’s not inconveniencing you, then what’s the harm in my continuing to stay up a bit longer?
MC: Because you need sleep! It’s not good for you.
Jake: I may still be rather worked up from everything and having difficulty relaxing. Our conversation has been helpful in helping me to unwind.
MC: Fine, I’ll go to bed with you then. My boss approved overtime for a while, so I can start waking up earlier, meeting you halfway on matching our crazy schedules.
MC: Tell me when you’re laying down, I’m going to go shower and brush my teeth.
I bit my lip, a little bit nervous. I hadn't explicitly done a long-distance “goodnight” like this in years, especially not with someone I’d never actually been in bed with who I was nagging into sleep. But I really was worried about how exhausted he must be, and once the silly idea had taken hold it felt sweet, if childish.
I didn’t wait for a response, trying to put off the possibility of him saying no, or taking my comment about going to bed the wrong (or right?) way. I set my phone down, hiding the screen from my view, and left it on my stand as I got up to get ready to turn in.
The shower was quick, it never took me long when I wasn’t bothering to wash my hair. Even knowing he wouldn’t see me, I took extra care with the routine to calm my jitters. I still hadn’t checked for his response yet, so for all I knew he’d refused my demand, but after the shower had calmed some of my nerves I somehow no longer thought he would.
After flossing carefully to give him extra time, I threw my hair up into a braid to keep it out of my face and clambered into bed.
Jake: You clearly are feeling bossy.
Jake: It will take me a few moments to get ready, I wasn’t prepared to lay down for a while yet.
Those had been sent not long after I’d given the order, so he was hopefully nearly wrapping up whatever his routine was.
MC: I’ll be patient, I just laid down myself 🤭
I flopped around on the bed, trying to get comfortable. Under the sheet was too warm, but no sheet was too cold. My pillow was too small when flat, but too thick when I folded it. For some inane reason, everything felt just a bit off kilter while I rolled around in bed, stomach buzzing.
When I finally found a position I could deal with, I scrolled for another five minutes or so before he got back to me.
Jake: As you commanded, I’ve gotten ready and laid down.
MC: Good! Comfy?
I was well aware he could be lying to me, but I preferred to think he was doing the same thing I was, maybe even amused by my strange demand. God knows he had to be used to me being weird by now, right?
Jake: Not exactly, motel beds aren’t known for their comfort.
MC: That’s probably true, I haven’t stayed in one in years. As Annie likes to remind me, I’m basically a recluse and I’ve never traveled much anyway.
Jake: Is there somewhere you’d pick to go if you could?
MC: Hmmm, Duskwood? 😘
MC: Otherwise, not really. I never gave it much thought, “travel” mostly meant going to my grandma’s when I was a kid, we couldn’t afford much else. And as an adult, I usually just go back home to see my family. It’s a lot of work and I still can’t afford much else.
MC: You?
Jake: Well, to be honest, travel for pleasure isn’t something I’ve considered much recently. Staying in one place feels much more like a privilege, I suppose.
MC: Well then we’ll both need to think about it and get back to each other with our answers. 😁
Jake: :)
After that, the conversation stayed light and it wasn’t long before my eyelids began to droop and I drifted off with my phone on my chest.
___
Lilly reached out to me rather early the next day, for me at least, but since I’d gotten up early I was a bit more emotionally prepared for what she shared than I would have been normally. It was always polite of the drama to wait for my second cup of coffee before it smacked me in the face, at least.
I noticed the trembling in her hand as she sent a picture of the letter she’d found in Hannah’s post and I wished there was something I could say to reassure her. But with everything else I already knew, the application to visit the prison didn’t look great. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her everything right then, but even without the extra context she seemed to know something was wrong.
Jake wasn’t online yet, and I hoped that it was because he was managing to get some sleep. He’d replied to the last message I sent before falling asleep, and then after a few minutes when he must have realized I’d passed out, he wished me goodnight. So despite the early hour on my end, he’d outlasted me. That kept me from blasting him with frustrated messages when Cleo kept up her accusations against Jessy, accusing her of putting the mark on her door.
I felt for her, knowing she was just trying to make sense of the whole thing, but we needed to stop throwing around baseless claims and yet it seemed like they were just determined to do it more.
We had just as much proof that Richy marked himself as we did that Jessy made hers, really. If she’d been looking to exonerate Phil, there were better ways to do it since we had no evidence the police were even considering the marks as part of the case. As far as I knew, Jessy had never gone to the police with her attacks and Richy had never reported his mark. Dan was the only one to discuss his suspicions with the police, and that was the one I least considered involved, and the only one without a mark.
I had no idea what the beef between Cleo and Jessy was, but I really needed it to stop now.
I checked out of the Duskwood drama for a bit, wanting to get more work done before Lilly made it home. The application to visit seemed much more relevant to the case than whether or not Jessy made the mark herself, and I knew my productivity would be monitored more heavily now that I was taking on extra hours.
I gave short answers as they made plans to go to the cabin of Richy’s friends, then at the last second realized that if they were leaving, that meant that I was running out of time to get someone to investigate the pawn shop. I quickly assigned the task to Cleo and Thomas, hoping that wasn’t a mistake considering they weren’t known for their subtlety or sweet-talk.
There’s no way they’ll break into the pawn shop, right?
___
While I was at lunch, I was caught off guard by Annie walking in and sitting down at the counter across from me. It only occurred to me then that I hadn’t really seen much of her recently, and she almost never joined me at lunch. My suspicions were confirmed when she fidgeted nervously and avoided my gaze.
“MC, I need to tell you something.”
I froze, my fork full of rice hovering halfway between my plate and mouth. I lowered it slowly. “Is everything okay?”
She nodded, but still looked twitchy. She took a deep breath before replying. “I… well, I’m moving in with Steve. This weekend, actually.”
My mouth fell open and I stood up so fast that I bumped my ribs off of the counter in the process. “What? Annie, there’s no way I can find a roommate that fast, I can’t afford the place on my own.”
She nodded, twisting the ends of her hair between her finger tips idly. “I know, I’m so sorry. I’m not leaving you in the lurch. My parents agreed to buy out the lease with you instead of the landlord, that way if you can’t find anyone to move in that you like you’re not stuck just moving someone in without vetting them. I’ll just give him the normal 60 day notice when it comes time to renew. It’s only a month more than what he’d charge me for breaking the lease now and it gives you a bit more flexibility.”
I blinked, still reeling. We didn’t totally get along, and I had been a bit of a spazz lately, but we’d lived together for quite a while now. I’d moved in with her fresh out of a bad relationship where I hadn’t been on the lease, so when he decided he wanted the girl he’d been dating behind my back to move in instead, I had to find somewhere fast. So while we weren’t friends, I had a soft spot for her since she’d kept me from ending up in a bad situation.
“I know I’ve been weird lately, I’m sorry. I’ll go to therapy if it’s about that—“
She put her hand up, cutting me off. “No, MC, it’s nothing about you. I’m, well… pregnant. We’re not getting married right away, but we want to at least live together so that he’s there for all the milestones and support and stuff, you know?”
I puffed my cheeks up with air and released it slowly. Realistically, I knew she wasn’t really at all young to be having a baby, but it still felt like it to me. Maybe it was mainly because I had years on her and felt like I’d be lost if I were in her shoes, but still.
I realized what a dick I was being and plastered on a happy face. “Congrats, Annie! I’m so excited for you!”
She laughed and shook her head. “You don’t have to pretend, MC. Besides, we’re still not to the excited place yet. We want to keep it—them—the baby, but I think I’m still mostly in shock and scared. And it’s weird to imagine another human just kind of hanging out in there.” Her eyes were wide and her hand kind of drifted toward her stomach instinctively. “I know it’s normal, and we found out a couple of weeks ago, but I only just had my first ultrasound today and I think it’s starting to feel real.”
“You’ll do great,” I said reassuringly, almost surprised to find it was genuine. “You’ve had practice lately taking care of my sorry ass, and you and Steve are great together.”
She scoffed, but her smile was grateful. “No matter how bad you got, your head didn’t have an off button and your neck didn’t flop around like a dead fish.”
I conceded that point, realizing I had no idea what it was to take care of a baby and that maybe what she needed right now was to vent, not reassurance. “That’s true, I also cleaned up most of my bodily functions on my own like a big girl.”
With the first laugh that sounded truly real, she wrapped her arms around me in a hug. “Usually. But I had my fair share of vomit sessions myself.”
“I’m guessing you’ve got plenty of that in the future.”
She clutched her stomach dramatically. “And the past, and present. It’s actually worse than a hangover.”
“Good luck to Steve then, you’re a huge bitch when you’re hungover.”
We chatted through the rest of my lunch, and when I went back to it, she wandered up to her room to get started on packing. I waited until she was fully out of sight to let my head fall back onto my shoulders and sigh. I had no idea what I was going to do now.
___
I didn’t know how much of Dan’s sudden need to help stemmed from Jessy being marked, but I think it surprised me more than the letter Lilly scanned and sent. He was starting to go stir crazy, and considering he’d already come up with the idea that his car had been tampered with to feel included, I figured giving him something to work on was in everyone’s best interest. Sometimes it felt like babysitting, I needed everyone to be occupied before they took matters into their own hands.
As I waved Annie off and she promised to come back tomorrow to continue packing, I pondered what he’d told me. It wasn’t much to go on, but I couldn’t help but agree with his last point. What the hell had Hannah gotten herself into?
With the benefit of hindsight, it was obvious that the MWAF hadn’t been a hallucination the way that her doctor had thought, but why hadn’t she shown anyone this video? This at least proved that something was going on.
Considering the length her friends were going to find her, there was no way any of them would have denied her a safe place to stay if she’d come to them. Could it really have just been the depression keeping her from seeking refuge with one of them? Or had she known exactly what her stalker wanted with her, and couldn’t bring herself to confide in anyone?
What could have been so bad as to potentially risk her life just to keep hidden?
The group was going to the hideout the next day, and as much as I couldn’t help but join Dan on the FOMO, I was glad that they were going to be together. Safety in numbers and all that.
Though now that I was going to be living alone, I envied them that comfort as well. Even with the distance, it was unsettling to know that I would have no one here with me if anything happened and no one due back to find me after.
Richy’s Boy Scout list only made me more jealous— it seemed like he, too, was having trouble separating this from a fun friends’ outing. To make myself feel better, I decided to give him some shit about it and fall back into our routine of jokes.
I was surprised when he admitted he hadn’t been sleeping well, even when he presented it in a light-hearted fashion. Maybe he’d taken it seriously when he said he’d take me up on my offer to talk more, and I wanted to make good on it if he was ready.
His burst of positivity seemed unwarranted, but I bit my tongue and kept myself from telling him that. That was made easier by the topic shift to the fact that Dan’s car was, unsurprisingly, not tampered with.
Hopefully that would take that false lead off the table.
I let myself express one of my fears— that my involvement really had just made everything worse, just like Lilly said— when Richy heard the scream coming from the woods. I strained my ears to listen and my eyes on the screen, trying to notice anything that could help, but there was nothing. As far as I could tell, the forest was silent save wildlife and Richy.
When he took off running, the same feeling I’d gotten in my stomach the day of Jessy’s attack overtook me again. This was wrong. What was the chance of it being Hannah, in broad daylight, just on the edge of the forest? This wasn’t how it worked, it had to be a trap.
I yelled at him to stop, to call the cops as backup, anything, but there was no way he heard me as it looked like he took a tumble and the screen went dark for a moment. Until my mind caught up, I was almost able to pretend he’d just fallen from running in the woods, catching his foot on a root or something.
The blood streaming from his mouth and his eyes going empty and unfocused shattered that delusion, and I spent a long time watching the ravens circle the sky before I could bring myself to hang up.
BONUS
#duskwood mc#duskwood fanfic#duskwood fanfiction#duskwood#duskwood fandom#duskwood episode 10#duskwood everbyte#duskwood jake x mc#duskwood jake#jake x mc
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two tuesdays ago i traversed uptown to get my left ear cut open. back in october, i had impulsively gotten a new earring while i was pitifully sad during a morning walk. “to feel something,” i’d sighed to friends, who mostly rolled their eyes.
it never stopped hurting. helix piercings are notorious for taking longer to heal, but mine remained extra stubborn, consistently tender to the touch and annoyingly easily irritated. i winced every time i slept on it (i knew there would always be at the very least a dull ache and willingly went forward with it anyway, even as a side sleeper). on new year’s eve it started showing signs of infection. the back of my ear swelled up to an alarming size, hot and beet red and bulbous. just a handful of hours later – 11:53pm, minutes before the clock struck midnight and the year turned over – i used my phone to take a photo and saw that the skin had completely closed over the jewelry, backing and all.
the pain numbed almost instantly. my body had swallowed this foreign object in defiance, embedding it into my cartilage, threatening to remain in my bones.
i flew back to new york and spent a week mindlessly tugging at it, aware i should probably get it looked at but not bothered enough to feel much of an urgency at all. it wasn’t until my roommate, who i flippantly told the story to one afternoon, shone a flashlight onto the back of my ear and insisted it was genuinely concerning. she said she was coming with me to urgent care that weekend.
at urgent care i was referred to an ENT up at columbus circle for an emergency appointment. as i sat in the waiting room, i scrolled tiktok with the sound off (my new preferred way of interacting with that app, until i delete it entirely). i saw a video about an old song exploder podcast episode featuring phoebe bridgers and marshall vore diving deep on “scott street” from 2017’s ‘stranger in the alps,’ which i’ve long considered a truly Perfect Song. it was my favorite for months after it dropped and has remained highly important to me for the past half decade. i’d listened to that podcast when it came out, but by now had forgotten nearly everything that was said. i reminded myself to give it another listen on my trip home.
minutes later, a plastic surgeon examined my fucked up ear and confirmed that my version of what happened was true. he numbed it up, handed me some odd vibrating device that was supposed to help “distract my brain from the pain.” still, it was excruciating. i heard him make the incision then use a variation of sharp metal tools to dig out the jewelry. grating, like nails on a chalkboard. when it was out, i shyly asked if i could keep it; he handed it back to me in a tiny manila folder.
“you probably shouldn’t get it pierced in that same spot again,” he said.
i turned on the “scott street” podcast as i left the surgeon’s office, hearing marshall and phoebe break down the track. marshall spoke of a previous relationship that inspired the lyrics.
“this person did love me, but they were also working against me," he explained. "i wonder if they’re ashamed of that, and i wonder if they’ve grown up.”
“it’s so sad and weird to play catch up with someone who was so intimately involved in your life for so long,” phoebe added.
at the conclusion of the episode, “scott street” played in its entirety as i walked through the passageway from the E to the G at court square. i closed my eyes, hands in my pockets drumming along to the familiar series of bells and train horns, ear bandaged and shot up with lidocaine. i considered friendship, shame, forgiveness, and my penchant for purposely reopening wounds while the outro of the song repeated over and over again: “anyway, don’t be a stranger.”
maybe you've caught onto the fact that this story isn't about an earring.
in an unrelated moment of desperation last fall, i’d posted a zoomed-in selfie on my close friends instagram story with a massive text block overriding it, reading: “CAN SOMEONE CONFIRM IF TIME REALLY HEALS?” several people responded with casual optimism (and probably exasperation towards my visible months-long spiral), but adam’s response stood out:
“it just lives in you differently.”
EDIT: walked past the shop i got my piercing at today; this sign sat outside:
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Is there any freedom in china?
Even the kids in school are being monitored closely with the help of self-developed "AI" technology.
The image attached above is what China did to the school student in order to CLOSELY monitor their progress in the classroom. This may sound very high-tech, but for me, there are consequences more than the benefits of it.
"Bluetooth wristbands record heart rates and how much time a student spends in the library or on the playground. Proponents say such information can boost safety, help teachers quantify learning progress and make education more individualized."
(Directly cited from the website.)
From a real-world perspective, this is a great way to monitor and increase efficiency in making sure the student is making progress and getting what is taught by the syllabus.
But for me, this is kinda breaching one's students' needs to fulfill their dreams and make sure they can sculpt their future on their own. Think about it this way, you are a mediocre student, who dreams of being a sports person, but instead, you are forced to do tons of homework just to fulfill your needs and to improve your IQ level, rather than focusing more on your sports needs.
Where is freedom when it is needed?
This leads to kids who are still in school does not have their desired and well-deserved childhood time, where they will be bombarded with school work because of how "STUPID" they are in the class. This interconnects with the student's privacy, where we know Asian parents tend to force and monitor their children closely when they are not performing well in their academics. This will overturn their privileges of leisure time, and also, communication with their friends will be limited.
If you saw a clip where a girl in China cried over her father because of burning out from finishing up her homework and is given extra tasks right after she finished up her homework? It is pretty saddening... (link to the article attached below)
From making headlines of children being stressed and feeling tortured, to countless memes circling the situation of the Social Credit System in China.
MEMES
This part is totally unrelated to the things discussed above, but we can enjoy quality memes that are shared across the world about China's Social Credit System.
Denying the bloody Tiananmen Square crackdown ever happened earns you 15 points in social credit. Playing no more than two hours of video games per week gives you 20 extra points. But calling Taiwan a country? That’ll cost you 30,000,000 points.
This meme template has been used all over the internet, especially YouTube videos. “It’s pretty funny, but it’s not very accurate,” says one of the representatives from Vice, where it is only for comedic references and not reflecting on how the Credit Scores actually work.
Studies showed that, even if a citizen itself is having a low credit score, it will not bring major negative consequences oneself.
FINAL CONCLUSION OF THE SEMESTER
China is a great Asia country, without a doubt (cause almost everything is "Made in China." This shows how China is trying to build a country with the highest IQ per person that is born and receiving education in its country, to fulfill the vision of the government itself, to become the powerhouse of the world.
Even if we, as outsiders, felt and saw what is happening in China is kinda sad with people basically turning into robot-like citizens, I can assure you most of the citizens will think it is a patriotic practice if they can fulfill the vision of their country and helping their country to become one of the most powerful countries in the world.
As the great Confucius once said:
"When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals; adjust the action steps."
Showing China had re-divert and amend its steps and ways to control and make use of its expertise to help and shape its citizens to become highly intelligent and to reach its ultimate goal of becoming the powerhouse of the world.
Thank you for reading my whole blog posts for this semester Bertha, hope you can give me good marks LOL
And as always, Stay Safe, Stay Passionate.
Signing Out, Amirul.
Refs:
<https://says.com/my/news/daughter-tells-father-off-for-extra-homework-after-school>
<https://www.wsj.com/articles/chinas-efforts-to-lead-the-way-in-ai-start-in-its-classrooms-11571958181>
<https://www.vice.com/en/article/pkpe3z/china-social-credit-meme>
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2022/07/10 Blog post by Wakana 配信が決まったよ！！〜共に居られる喜び〜
❗This is Fan Club EXCLUSIVE content❗
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We Will Do a Live Broadcast！！〜The Joy of Being Together〜
The other day, I watched an online broadcast of the "Spirited Away" stage play! I've always wanted to go and see it, but it was so popular that the tickets were constantly sold out. I pretty much gave up all hope and wished for a home video release in the near future... But then, I saw an article announcing a live stream of the final performance and all of a sudden I realised that I would actually be able to watch a broadcast! However, time went by so quickly and before I even noticed, it was already the eve of the last day of the archive broadcast period. The following day I had a rehearsal scheduled with Yurie-chan so there was no way I could stay up too late to watch the stream... (-_-;) By the way, we are talking about a 4-hour performance here! I had literally no idea what to do!!! 😂😂 Out of desperation I came up with an ingenious plan. Thankfully the play was separated in two big acts so I decided to watch the first half until midnight that evening, then I would rest and get a good night’s sleep. And in the early morning I would continue with the second half! \\\\ ٩ ('ω') و //// It was awesome! I was applauding alone at home, my “bravo” calls echoded through the walls 😭✨ Everyone did such a great job, the changing set pieces and the development of the scenes were amazing, and the characters felt like they were straight from the anime, running, singing and dancing around freely. It was truly great. I want to watch it again! !! !! !! !!
Hello, this is Wakana (0￣ ▽ ￣0) /
Nothing makes me happier than seeing something that really impresses me. \ (^-^) /💕
By the way, we decided to offer a live stream option for "Wakana Botanical Land" Summer Party ~ Talk & Mini Live ~ " which will be held on July 18!! (((o (* ﾟ ▽ ﾟ *) o))) Even if you can’t come to the venue, I would like you to enjoy the event at home or on the go or in whatever way suits you best. Let me show you a glimpse of the rehearsal for such a fun event 😊
(Yurie-tan's powerful piano playing!!)
(Since I was still on my "Spirited Away"-high, I brought my Kaonashi & Yubaba bag ♫)
(Maybe we were pretending to consult on a serious matter here while we were actually talking about something completely unrelated)
(Our first rehearsal was a lot of fun 😊)
I will also be posting about our next rehearsal!
Everyone, there are so many things happening these days. Thought-provoking, sad and painful. We are all living together in the here and now. It's amazing 😊 To meet you like this 😊 Thanks to this miracle, all I can do now is bring music into your life. It's all about creating special moments full of fun and happiness. Music is always with you. I always think of you when I am singing. Let's create a wonderful time together on the day of the event!!
See you soon ~ (*'▽' *) /
*** Wakana ***
『Wakana Botanical Land “Summer Party ～ TALK &MINI LIVE ～”』
【Date】2022/7/18
【Day Performance】 Open 14:30 Start 15:00
【Evening Performance】 Open 17:30 Start 18:00
【Venue】Mixalive TOKYO B2F「Hall Mixa」
‖Ticket Details
Ticket Seller：Bitfan Ticket
Live Stream Platform：Bitfan Live
Purchase Period: 7/8～7/21
●【FC Limited】Event Viewing Ticket ¥3,500 per performance
※The archived version can be viewed as soon as it is ready after the broadcast has ended. You can watch it until July 25.
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Japanese tutorial for BITFAN | My tutorial for BITFAN
#kalafina#wakana#wakana blog#fan club exclusive content#botanical land#summer party#that final part got me really emotional#right in the feels
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some flyers @ blues thoughts...
i kept forgetting it was the blues pride night 🏳️🌈
they posted a cute vid of one of the three players i know (hah) taping his stick with pride tape on insta which i showed the kid but she only had eyes for the flyers yesterday and was like get this garbage out of my face. when the flyers wore pride tape she lost her mind bc that’s what she has
the arena graphics were cool and the lookalike thing was vaguely gay themed but didn’t have jerseys and otherwise didn’t seem to do anything? i’m disappointed. couldn’t they do a video message from a player saying everyone is welcome at blues hockey? something? our city is so gay and our logo is a music note like we could have had an awesome local artist design us really cool jerseys but of course the nhl has to be disappointing
they did light up the arena and the ferris wheel at union station (which may be unrelated i haven’t been down there at night in a minute) super gay which was nice
i’ve had good seats twice now i’m ruined forever TAKE MY MONEY
thought i was going to have to get bitchy with a clueless fan creeping in on our space and talking loudly on her phone after we waited patiently for an HOUR. didn’t help that her boyfriend/friend/whatever was in a blackhawks shirt?? sir your team sucks and isn’t playing get that shit out of my face.
tiny baby flyers fan with the danny b jersey rocking your hockey bucket at the game please know that i love you
talked to a really nice guy in an oskar jersey and got emotional about him all over again
warmups are so worth it. its a little trying going that early with a kid and waiting around forever and then making it through the whole game but it is SO WORTH IT. i feel like especially at an away game... the players were so sweet and kiddo was so excited... her favorite part of every game we’ve done that for
provy smashed into the boards right in front of us and chilled a bit before noticing kiddo and the little one next to us. he smiled at her and showed her the puck and made sure i had my shit together before he tossed it over. i was super stoked the pucks from last night are pride themed! very cute! he gave little dude a puck too.
we saw tons of players up close... i think we were in a better spot this time! or maybe the flyers just move around more than the pens idk.
tk seemed to zoom around the most so i didn’t know if he would come over... he was also always the one to go get the pucks out of the net. apparently i have a type and its pretty boys with long hair who like to fish pucks out of the net...
he skated by us a zillion times and kiddo banged on the glass and hollered every time, but he finally was going a little slower and saw the sign she made with his name and number (she also had TK on one cheek and 11 on the other bc we love to be extra). he smiled SO BIG when he saw it. when i tell you this man could get me to do ANYTHING for that smile... oh jeez.
he kept skating and finished whatever he was doing but he skated right back around and came straight up to her to give her a puck. i don’t remember anything about this he’s too pretty i’m just proud of myself for catching it and not letting it bonk her on the head (y’all i could not be less sports inclined... the pressure of catching a puck for my child is A LOT to ask of me). he didn’t interact with anybody near us or give anybody else one that i saw...he just came right up to her to give it to her (his biggest fan)
considering divorce as husband got good pics of provy but not tk 🙃
my love of big nic continues... i feel like he was def in dad mode and tossed pucks to the all the kids down by us, even some folks that were further back. he flipped one at us and it went right behind me (y’all i caught two i deserve some kind of medal three is really too much to ask of me) but i gave it to the guys next to us (oskar jersey and his son) bc they had no tiny adorable child to woo players with
frosty is very cute. bee is really little?
one of the main draws of going to warmups is to watch the slutty hip stretch in person and scotty laughts delivered. thank you for your service, sir 😘
kevin looks perpetually like he has no idea and has never had any idea what is going on <3 bless
i’ve never been on the opposite side of the benches and must say that watching the boys come out of the tunnel for the game is a whole moment. very cool. it was also fun to see the guys going on and off and watch them on the bench.
there were no flyers fans behind baby goalie and it took ALL OF MY RESTRAINT not to run over there and scream “we love you you’re doing great sweetie!!!” i was fully ready to get violent if anyone harassed him he brings out all of my mama bear tendencies.
tippy’s hair is so violently red... he took his helmet off on the bench for a bit and it was like a beacon i couldn’t look at anything else
its cute how i thought my flyers love was waning I’M BACK BABY I’M ALL IN I LOVE THIS TEAM despite their countless flaws! if they have tk i’m in who cares go flyerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs 🧡🖤🧡🖤🧡
is there a support group for sports fans who fully commit to two teams who hate each other? asking for a friend who loves to do sports wrong 😶
lastly and definitely least ladies jerseys are not it. i gotta sell this shit and get a huge boxy one. i saw the one i want awhile ago and didn’t get it and now i’m piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed but oh well :/
#well shit that was long#but i needed to put all of my thoughts somewhere#also we were on tv?#AHHHH#so that's bananas#grace rambles#flyers#stl blues#i'll look and see if i have any other pics or videos i can post
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MANSION BY THE LAKE
CHAPTER FOUR--- Be Careful What You Wish For
Weeks of relentless ass pounding passed. Initially, as my hole was being ravaged, I felt like I would never want to get fuck again. But Master knew what he was doing. The training films got my head to embrace the fact that I was destined to be a slut. The continuous, unrelenting pounding would turn my ass into an insatiable hole that would be constantly begging for more.
Only the occasional listening to FOX News kept me in touch with time. Sometimes the news even sounded relentless. Fortunately, Master was not using FOX as a means or torture (or was he).
I was beginning to settle into the routine that Master had for me. Just like on a dairy farm, there was a milking twice a day. I was usually kept in rubber with only my crotch fully exposed. From time to time a cloth diaper and plastic pants were applied as I was about to fall asleep. If I woke up messy, the diaper and I were hosed down.
Frequently, Master wanted to dress me up in leather and play ‘nutz cracker’ with his boots. It hurt like fuck but seem to please him a lot. Perhaps my nuts were becoming accustomed to this. The anticipation sometimes was worse than the actual ball busting.
But today, after getting hosed and milked, Master showed me something new. I had seen one like it before on the internet. He fastened the leather parachute to my nuts and let the chains dangle down to my knees. Mitts were applied to my hands in order to prevent me from removing the parachute.
“Let’s have some play time today!” Master stated, “Are you up for some fun?”
“SIR! YES SIR! Was the only reply that I was now allowed to make. No sooner had the words left my lips than I began to dread what may be coming next. I felt like I was a gladiator all suited up for today’s match at the coliseum.
I was brought into another room. There was another slave clad in rubber just like me. Also like me he had mitts on and his junk was hanging out with a parachute on. It was another contestant, my opponent! I assumed it was Matt and the hair on the back of my neck started to stand up. I felt like lashing out at him but I knew Master would not allow it. Master stood us up facing each other about a foot apart. This was too close for my comfort. It seemed that Matt agreed with me as he tried to pull away. Master pushed a button on the remote and a shock brought Matt back into compliance with whatever Masters wishes were. After that some of my own rage toward Matt subsided. I was also familiar with the shock collar.
I could hear and feel it as Master linked Matt and me together with the leather parachutes that were wrapped around our nuts.
Master removed the gags. “I am going to let the two of you alone to work things out for a while.” Master indicated as he left the room. I correctly assumed that Master was watching this remotely and catching it on video as well.
Initially, Matt and I gave each other a firm tug to assure we were linked. We both had hoods on but we were able to see each other. Even though it was going to hurt me as much as Matt I could not resist giving him a brutally rough yank on the parachute. He let out a loud moan as my tug had the effect that I wanted it to have. I then had to recover myself as well.
“I know I deserved that one!” Matt indicated.
“Dam right ya did!!” I replied still angry but not as enraged as I was when I first saw him.
We maintained a firm steady tension on the parachutes.
“I am sorry man!” Matt continued, “I screwed up with you but believe me I am not your enemy in this situation.” I could feel Matt releasing some of the tension on the parachutes.
“What happened with your ‘trade deal’ with Master.” I asked. Giving him a firm tug on the parachutes.
“Master had misgivings about letting me go and I was not able to get away.” Matt replied.
“So, no hope of any help on the way?” I asked.
“Have ya figured all of this out yet?” Matt asked, giving me a little tug on my nuts.
“Whatcha talking about?” I was clueless as to what Matt was getting at. I sensed he was going easy on me for some reason. I was not so generous and I cringed in pain as I delivered yet another blow to him.
“Where have you seen the parachutes before?” Matt asked.
I thought for a moment and recalled seeing a parachute tug of war ‘cock fight’ on-line.
“Ya, what about it?” I asked giving a firm but not as hard a tug this time.
“Has he done anything to you that was not in your on-line fantasy archive?” Matt asked returning a serious tug.
“OH, I AM SO FUCKED!” I yelled out as I realized Matt was right. The cock fight on-line concluded with a reward for the winner and a consequence to the loser. A consequence that involved their worst nightmare.
“Listen up!!” Matt continued, “You have to fight me as if your life depends on it. I have to do the same to you even though I do not want to. This tug of war he is making us do will determine our fate! Give it all ya got.”
“Matt! I forgive ya!” was all I could say before Master came in the room. I was able to give Matt a fond gentle tug.
“Ok boys! Stop your dancing and love making. It’s time to make this real!” Master stated as he delivered a shock to both of us.
I pulled my hardest and the tug of war with Matt was on. He responded almost immediately while I was still recovering from the tug, I delivered to him.
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8/9 - 12:51PM
Whoops. I kind of forgot this blog existed, lol, my bad.
Not much has been happening though so that's alright. Here's the rundown regardless for anybody who might be bothering to keep up with this blog (I know at least two of you, hello!).
So far, everything is healing up pretty well. I haven't really needed painkillers in quite some time, though I've taken some once or twice when my chest happened to have more shooting pains/twinges than usual. Not because I needed it - the pain has been manageable - but because I am kind of worried that if I don't take pain meds, it'll get worse, and I'd rather kick it before it gets to that point. Nothing crazy though, I haven't had the oxycodone in a while.
Itching isn't as bad finally, though it is still frustrating. We've been changing out bandages and cleaning the grafts, which look gnarly as hell but are progressing well, I think. The steri-strips over the incision marks is starting to peel off as the stitches beneath them dissolve. I'm going back to the medical centre again for a post op appointment on the 11th, which is also when I'll yet again attempt to contact someone about that goddamned paperwork.
Ah yeah, the paperwork. Where I'm at there: apparently I was denied paid medical leave because I'm like, 50 hours short of having worked at a real job for an entire year. I wasn't going to bother appealing the decision because like... it's not as though I can magically provide another 50 hours of work out of nowhere, I doubt they'll approve me.
But shortly after I got that news, I got an email from work basically stating that I should appeal it, because if I don't get medical leave approved, all they can do is put me on a thirty day leave of absence, and then I have to use my PTO to cover any other recovery time.
I personally think that sounds like horseshit, especially since (wrong form or not), they have a doctors' note written by my surgeon in his own handwriting stating that I'm not supposed to really go back to work until September 9th. So what exactly can you do except allow me to recover for that long? Firing me over it (since by the way, I don't even have enough PTO, since I've only accrued maybe thirteen hours in the last half a year) seems illegal.
But whatever. I'm gonna appeal it. However, unless I want to actually meet with a court and have a hearing - and I very much do not - what I can do instead is just request a review or something. Unfortunately, for that, I need the correct paperwork - which if you recall, is floating around in Red Tape Hell somewhere in the far off distance.
So I'm gonna wait another day to see if that paperwork gets back to me, but if it doesn't, what I am going to do is contact my social worker - he called that same day I was dealing with this shit at the medical centre and when I told him what was up, he said that if this isn't taken care of in a week, to call him and tell him and he'll try and get people moving.
Unrelated - I hope - but I got a horrible nosebleed the other night too. Like... I'm not gonna get too graphic but it was freaky. Lots of coagulated gross shit and way more blood than I feel is normal. I used to get terrible nosebleeds when I was younger due to stress and cold/dry weather usually, and I could breathe much easier when it stopped, so I'm pretty sure that it wasn't anything serious, just a combination of factors and my congested sinuses finally clearing out somewhat. But I'm trying to keep a mental eye on things just in case it might be something to worry about.
And that's where I'm at with that.
Otherwise... life is about the same as usual. I just play video games, watch videos, try to spend more time reading or drawing or anything but looking at a screen because I do that way too often. I've been obsessed lately with WolfQuest, an oooold game I used to adore as a preteen that I recently rediscovered. You play as a wolf in Yellowstone, and it's centred on realism/teaching you through gameplay about Yellowstone's wolves. I like it.
Mentally: stressed. It was nice up until the 4th or so to just. Not have anything to freak out about. But of course with the nonstop haranguing by my job and the inability to get medical leave squared away ASAP, it's right back to frayed nerves.
Which I hate but hey, capitalism.
I'm stressed about money, and already thinking maybe I should try to be... I dunno. Doing something worthwhile, as in, worthwhile to society so that I can get money to scrape by with, but I'm not physically capable of most things right now. I just really wish I could find an at-home job that I could survive on so I didn't have to put up with this, it's destroying me mentally, and I'm not even WORKING right now. (Which is part of the problem while simultaneously meant to be the solution.)
I'm trying to distract myself as best I can from the thoughts though, because I never get to just exist without stressing about work, and I want to make the most of it before I'm thrown headfirst back into the Rat Race.
And that's about it, yup. Anyway, I'll try and update again soon.
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